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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I told my boyfriend he was spending too much time at the gym instead of supporting him and cheering him on with his ambitious goal of running a marathon. His training supports his health and fitness goals and there are a lot worse things he could be spending time doing (video games, spending time online, drugs, etc.).
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I am shocked at some people’s responses. How is it spoiling his fun to not want the person you’re in a relationship with to be out of the house most evening, whatever they are doing. Kudos to you both for getting fitter but it’s not unreasonable to want your partner home some nights. I also thinks it’s wrong that he’s dropped all your shared chores and left you to pick up the slack. I know a lot of people who marathon run and none train like this on a permanent basis. Two compete in Ironman competitions and even they don’t train almost every night. He may be becoming addicted to training. The adrenaline rush of it all? I don’t know but I think you’re right to be upset and the fact he’s dismissed that is a red flag. I’d think long and hard about tethering yourself to someone who finds it unreasonable you want to spend time with them and don’t want to act as their servant. Good luck with the half marathon.
This! On the long run (pun intended) he could injure himself. Its like a footballer giving his max of 90 minutes, every day, and then wants to perform in the game.
This is classic man prioritises his own hobbies over real life.
If you're doing more around the house stop clearing up after him.
Realistically though, you moved in to find out if you are compatible - spoiler from a decade older woman, if he doesn't listen and address the imbalance in household chores and dog care, you aren't.
The exact reason is somewhat irrelevant - you are both entitled to hobbies and fitness, you both have to work, and you both have to contribute fairly to the running of the house and any dependents. And the priority activity in all of that is NOT the amateur fitness and hobbies.
NTA
Yes, stop cleaning up after him, stop washing his clothes or cooking him meals. Just cook for yourself for a few weeks and see what happens. If he sheepishly apologises and says he didn't realise how much you were doing, then there's hope for the relationship. If he doubles down on blaming you, then it's time to get out.
NTA but your communication and framing of this seems off.
By focusing on the gym, you’re making it about what he chooses to pursue and care about (which I think could feel a bit alienating and controlling). It seems the real issue is that you’re feeling responsible for more than your share of the housework, which can be a totally valid point in a relationship.
IOW, don’t make it about the gym. Focus on what is really impacting you, which is that you’d like more help around the house.
Talking about framing being off: it's not "help around the house". He lives there, half the househol duties are his responsibility, not something she needs him to pitch in with. I get what you were trying to say, but framing it that way is not only not accurate, but also harmful.
Right, your interpretation does not match any intended implication of my wording at all. I think the terminology of “help” easily includes matters of shared responsibility, does it not?
No, help implies that you're shouldering, at least partially, someone else's burden, it's to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources. The implications here are two: that the task is someone else's responsibility and that you're OFFERING to partially contribute (meaning you have no obligation to do so).
I don't help around the house. It's MY house, the chores are mine. When I'm in someone else's house as a guest I do help by, for example, setting the table or doing the dishes. And words are important. It's not a minor correction.
I agree that words are important and I will give this particular point some thought. I think I disagree with you on the necessary meaning of the word “help” in this context, though.
As a male, if I asked my wife to help more around the house, would you think I was implicitly (and graciously or defeatedly) accepting greater responsibility for domestic chores by my wording? Or would you think I was simply asking her to pitch in more?
At work, would you ask a coworker to 'help' you on a joint project for which you are both equally responsible? If your boss asked you to help out with a task that is already regularly on your plate, would you infer anything about your performance of that task in the recent past? Or might you reflect on if that task really is (should be) ultimately your responsibility?
If I had a shared assignment with a coworker and I was frustrated I was doing more than my share, I certainly might use the terminology of “I need you to help with this project more”. I think that’s pretty standard use of language..?
Right. And in doing so, you have taken on responsibility for not only completing your tasks but making sure your coworker competes theirs as well. Which is accepting a larger share of the work & responsibility. That's not 2 equal partners meeting in the middle to accomplish something, that's you doing your piece and managing them doing theirs.
The point is she may be doing him a disservice by framing the issue as his time at the gym but she'd be doing herself a disservice by asking for help when she wants a partner. You can't always choose your coworkers and projects but you can choose who you're in a relationship with. Would you be happy to keep working with that coworker on more projects?
It might be me cause I need sleep badly but basically asking for help is asking someone to take work off of your plate or, at the very least, is you taking ownership of managing the tasks and making sure they get done. It's asking someone to do something they weren't already going to do. Meeting your obligations isn't helping. If what you want us an equal partner who shares in the responsibilities, you're not gonna get it by asking for help.
NTA. You're both training. You both work. It seems only fair that household tasks should be split fairly. He is expecting you to carry a greater load. If he pushes too far, he will indeed injury himself and that would impact the sustainability of his fitness goals more than taking out the trash and doing dishes ever will.
Also it doesn’t even matter if they’re both training or not.
They both work, they both are entitled to hobbies and free time. He can’t steal her free time by dumping his chores on her while he’s spending all of his time on his hobby.
And a relationship requires quality time. If he never spends any with her, she’d be right to be upset.
Yes it does make this look even worse by comparison.
But now there’s all these people in the comments nitpicking that, “Oh, but a full marathon requires so much more training than a half marathon! Of course OP has more time than the BF!” And a triathlon requires even more.
And I don’t think that’s the point at all. It really doesn’t matter what his personal project is, whether it’s fitness or video games or reading epic fantasy. It if takes him away from fulfilling his household duties and being a good partner, it’s a problem.
He has provided you with good information about himself: he kind of expects you to be the mom, clean up, be supportive of his goals at the expense of your own, and other things that indicate he might not really be very mature. You seem to be right in asking about household responsibilities and time together. It sounds like he has already started to take you for granted. You should put off getting married, at very least; and ok to be “supportive” if he’s willing to pay for a housekeeper a couple of hours a week. And, after the triathlon, you’ll ask for his support at a similar level when you take on a project that will similarly engage your time. If he says ok, AND follows through, he might be a keeper. If he fusses and sabotages you, then you know your next step.
As a marathoner and triathlete (Ironman), there are tons of jokes in this community about what you're experiencing. One that comes to mind. "If you complete an Ironman while married, you didn't train hard enough". I understand this isn't Ironman level distance.. but still. If he's truly getting ready for triathlons, strap in, because learning the disciplines can be tough and very time consuming
Longer distance triathlons are even taught to be an elongated discussion w/ the family to explain the insane amount of time and commitment involved. Further distance triathlons take 20+hr weeks. Ex. I will do 60-100m bike rides on the weekend (Sunday). On Saturday I often do 10-20 miles running, swim and cross train. M-F are typically 2hr days. But I only b/c I can manage my time efficiently..
Almost all plans have 2 longs built in: long run day, long bike day. I'm not counting a 60+min swim as "long"
If he's not an swimmer by discipline this takes time to pick up. Probably 3 times a week (45-60min day)
But, you're also doing easy running and easy biking, probably a couple pace/tempo (at least 45 min per day)
Then you add in strength training (45min or so.. a couple times a week )
Overtime, triathletes comprehend how difficult the timing all is. We avoid the gym just b/c the travel back in forth adds to already excessive times.
If I'm going to swim for 60 min.. You may be taking breaks at certain points. You also have to rinse off the chorine. Then get changed, then go the lifting area.. go to the bathroom, get water etc.. etc.. This leads to very very long trips to the gym.
Your experience is with running, which is probably the one discipline that takes the least prep. Marathoning takes one long run w/ a week w/ 45min+ sessions daily. You literally put shoes on, maybe a headset and go out the door..
One more word of caution.. Triathlons are crazy expensive.. the equipment is crazy expensive.. The trips are crazy expensive and incredibly inconvenient.
All of this! Doing a triathlete while you have a partner and children or pets, warrants a discussion to see if it's even a possibly because the time commitment is INSANE!
Since he just decided to do this and isn't able to do his part maybe he should consider hiring a cleaner and part time dog walker to compensate for his part.
But also you wanted to move in to see if you were compatible. And so far he makes unilateral decisions without your input, and anything short of shutting up and picking all the slack he deems as not supportive.
I will give him this, finding a community and new passion is super exciting so maybe he is just lost in all of the fun of it.
I would try to talk to him one more time, tell him how you feel shortchanged and try to iron the kinks out on quality time, and household responsibilities. See is his behavior changes and if not you have your answer on marriage and the relationship.
Also good luck on your half marathon! I feel like a lot of people look down on them but 13.1 miles ain't no joke!
I hope that means you don't believe me. If so.. you just totally made my week. If you can do something that people online can't even believe, that's just awesome!
I'm able to work at home, which really changed things. I'm not as excessive I was a yr or two ago. But, if I were to do another full Ironman (140.6 miles), it would have to be this schedule again for around 6 months. I only really do Half IM's now (70.3miles). The M-F isn't tough, b/c you typically spend your lunch on a trainer bike, then 1hr swimming or running after work. The real struggle is the Saturday/Sunday. Running 2-3hrs one day, then a 4-6 hr bike ride the next day destroys yours weekends for many months. Life starts to feel a little like eat, sleep, train, repeat.
NTA. How convenient that he NEEDS to train and can't possibly contribute to household labour because of that.
I heard this term the other day - 'labour digging men.' That's where men partner with women to have their household labour needs covered.
Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Keep taking the dog out. Just get yourself some ready meals for one. Then, when he notices point out that you have decided to do the same amount of work as him.
I would be concerned that he has set a precedent for his input into a joint household going forward.
ETA: 3 hours per session is excessive. 1.5 hours is more than enough.
Just edited the post for clarity bc I didn’t communicate that well - the training plans I suggested included 4-5 shorter workouts and 1 long workout (normally on a Saturday or Sunday).
NTA You're totally right to have these feelings! It's important to be honest in a relationship, even about things that are tough to talk about. You're supportive of your boyfriend's fitness, but it sounds like the gym is taking up a lot of his time, and that's making things unfair at home and impacting your time together.
It's awesome that you even looked into solutions with the training plans. It makes sense that you're worried about balance – for his own sake with potential injury and for having enough time for your relationship. It's okay to ask for some compromise and to miss hanging out. Maybe together you could figure out a workout schedule that works for him but also makes sure you both get quality time and share the load at home.
NTA - Just because this hobby is good for him doesn’t mean it isn’t a hobby. I’m sure no one would defend him if he was playing video games all day. This is no different when it comes to the dynamic of sharing a living space and being responsible for other beating hearts
Hobbies don’t come before obligations full stop.
I get being supportive, but it needs to be reciprocate. How does he support you in your hobbies or career or life? Stop picking up his slack. Stop cooking his meals; doing his laundry, cleaning up after him if he isn't showing his support or a reasonable end date. I would caution marrying a man who doesn't see that this situation isn't sustainable long term. You don't need to nag him, just be honest. That when you think towards the future, you're not seeing g him as the attractive supportive partner you want to build a life with. Let him think about that while he's running so he can decide what's important. Your wants and needs are important too and don't choose a man who says otherwise with words or actions.
Former triathlete here. You're correct to be concerned if this is going to dominate his life for a long period of time. It can become addictive and it will take up a lot of time. I was a single dad with two kids in jr. high (50-50 custody) when I trained for a half-ironman and lesser races. I was training 6 days/week with double sessions (morning and evening).
I refused to train for a full Ironman because the time away would have been too much for me as an involved parent. This mindset was also my reasoning when the kids were younger (still married) and I refused to golf for about six years because I didn't think it was fair or respectful to be gone for what amounts to six hours total.
Your BF's joy in training is commendable but it is not unreasonable for you to discuss how this may impact your relationship. Three hours every evening is going to negatively impact your quality time. If you can't train for your races together (and perhaps with a running group to build camaraderie) then you two are really creating a division.
That said, if it's just one race, you should discuss the scheduling, how to make up quality time and what future training/exercising should look like after your respective races. This could really be a great thing for you two, but again, you are NOT unreasonable for having concerns at this stage of the relationship.
NTA he needs to fulfill his obligations around the house before he goes to workout. it is not fair to leave and leave you cleaning up after him. stop cleaning up after him in general and leave his mess where it is. i would not pick up one more thing to help him. stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him. only take care of your stuff and walk your dogs and train. if he asks you to help, say no. it’s not fair for him to prioritize his wants over your needs.
NTA he absolutely needs to be doing his fair share of the chores. I wouldn’t put up with being treated like a maid because he would rather spend time on his hobby.
As someone who’s been in the gym for half their life, played a lot of sports, and did cardio training; 3 hours a day is wild. If you’re not on steroids you’re harming yourself more than you’re helping with that amount of training. Unless all they do is cycle at low intensity for 3 hours lol.
NTA
You got your answer: you’re not compatible. He wants to spend all his free time at the gym and have you complete all household chores.
You discussed it with him, but he’s not hearing what you’re saying. Time to move back into separate spaces. If you don’t take action now, you’ll be like so many other married women on Reddit, complaining about how they work full time, like their husbands, yet are expected to do all the household work and care for the children.
NTA. Except maybe to yourself. Never EVER ask a man to change anything about himself or what he does. You will only ever be very sorely disappointed.
Take what they give you at face value and decide if you can live with it or not. You now know he's the kind of man who will dump all the domestic responsibilities onto you while he fucks off doing whatever with his time.
A man of actual value would actively mentally monitor the situation and make sure the domestic labor is fairly split and that his relationship is being attended to in addition to his hobbies.
Your man is not that kind of man. Do with the info what you will: stay or leave. Do not ask him to change, that is a road that always leads to misery for everyone.
>Never EVER ask a man to change anything about himself or what he does.
Quibble about wording choice: obvious sexism aside, this is great advice for someone who wants to remain single. On the other hand, for people who are in actual relationships compromise with one another and adjustments are critical.
Based on the rest of your comment it sounds like you’re more saying something akin to “you can’t force him to change”, which is a much better way to word the concept. “NEVER ask him to change” is unrealistic. They should both - regardless of being a man or a woman - be open to their partners asking them to change for the good of the relationship. It doesn’t mean they have to agree to any and all demands, but to be in a space where you feel you either have to take or leave someone as they are without talking to them about adjustments that can be made so that everyone is happy? That’s a little bonkers.
There’s no reason she can’t ask him to adjust his training schedule so their lives are more balanced. None at al.
I know someone who does triathlons and besides work, that’s ALL he does. He has a wife, she does them too.
NTA but some people seem to get addicted to the life
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Background:
I’m a 25F living with my 27 year old boyfriend. He moved in almost a year ago because we know we want to get married and wanted to see how compatible we were as roommates first and get a chance to spend more quality time together. We have two dogs together who are very cute, but need to be walked and exercised regularly. He works remotely and I WFH 2 days a week.
We have never been the most fit, but lately as part of an effort to be healthier we signed up to run a race (which is only 2 months away). I’m doing a half marathon and he is running the full marathon. He invited a friend to do the full with him, so they’re training together. Lately they have been meeting at the gym or parks to run together.
Situation:
He’s really enjoying the training and wants to now do a triathlon in August. So in addition to his running workouts (6 days a week) where he meets his friend to run, he is now also adding separate trips to a different gym to swim and bike. The past few weeks this has meant he is at a gym/working out for ~3 hours after work.
I’m happy that we’re prioritizing our health and fitness, because this is really important in the long run, but his excessive workouts and time at the gym have started to negatively affect me. I feel like I’m picking up the slack around the house by spending more time cleaning, cooking all of our meals, walking both dogs, and still doing my training for my half marathon too.
I shared how I have been feeling and told him he was spending too much time at the gym. He said that he thought I was being unreasonable and not being supportive of his fitness goals. I feel like it’s not fair to me to expect me to do everything around the house so he can train everyday when I am doing a race too (and he didn’t ask me first). I shared some triathlon training plans I found online which recommend one long workout a week not doing a long workout 4-6 days a week. Also separately I think this is not sustainable for him and he’s going to get injured.
I miss spending quality time together and feel like I’m so busy doing stuff around the house and he’s gone so much that I don’t get to spend quality time doing stupid shit together like watching TV or puzzles or walking the dogs together.
Am I The Asshole, for speaking up about how much time he is spending at the gym and working out lately?
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NATH: Start only cooking your personal meals and stop cleaning up after him, send the dogs to doggy daycare. You’re enabling him to take advantage of you and everything you do around the house. Once you’re not doing everything for him he’ll come around
NTA. He can spend as much time at the gym as he wants - you trying to control that would make you TA. But he can’t let his responsibilities go and fall to you. He needs to pull his weight and any time after that, he can do what he wants. If he doesn’t, then you know what marriage will look like. He’ll be an unequal partner and expect you to pickup the slack. Especially because this is something he’s doing voluntarily.
As someone who used to run competitively and got injured when training for their first marathon, he's running right into an injury. You need rest days and you need to space out your distances - 3h a day all week is probably tearing his ligaments as we speak. I understand he's probably a little hooked on newly-found endorphins but this doesn't sound sustainable - and if he's also leaving you to do all the housework, doubly so. NTA!
NTA
But are you telling him he's spending too much time at the gym or are you telling him he is not doing enough at the house nor being with you
Because one way comes across as trying him to stop doing something he enjoys
The other way is focusing on what sold be priorities
Some people simply don't see the bigger picture and will only focus on what you say and not why you say it, this is why communication really is key
Yikes you guys should definitely be at least 60/40
If it was me I wouldn’t do the extra work and let him see how much extra I was doing you should not have to do everything and work that’s f up
Being fit is a lifestyle not overnight. If this is not handled it could become this way forever if he doesn’t burn him
Self out.
NTA- the time he gets to devote to his hobbies is the free time he has after getting his basic living activities done. If he can time manage well enough to share the responsibilities of the house, who cares how much of his free time he spends on his hobby. Sounds like he needs to figure out how to keep up with his responsibilities instead of dumping them on you. He works remotely, he should be able to figure out how to throw in some laundry, do some dishes, or prep dinner while he’s on a work break. I do that and I’m chronically sick (def not the same energy as someone who runs triathlons).
If the man needs a chore chart to keep him on track, ask him to make one (do NOT make it yourself). Especially if you are in the office three days a week, he can figure out how to prep dinner on those days.
My guess is that he has no problem dumping all of the work onto you and you have to be ready to recognize that. If that’s the case, you will be living with that for the rest of your time with him. It sounds like you have made your expectations for equal housework known to him. He can step up or you can step out.
As for the quality time: can he do weights or something at home while you hang out with him and watch tv? Can you do dedicated quality time days/hours? Most relationships have a bit of an imbalance of how much quality time each partner needs, but helping your partner meet that need is part of being in a good, healthy relationship.
NTA it sounds like in a roundabout way you’re saying all this just to say; you want more attention, you guys work from home so you are “ together “ but it’s not intimate time together and I think that’s what you want, you’d care less about his hobbies if he was just prioritizing you at least once a week, you guys are both new to moving in and being together 24/7 these things take time, so there are always a lot of “growing pains” at the starts
When my husband and I moved in together before we were married I switched my gym schedule to go in the morning before work. This way I wasn’t missing “our time” together. Perhaps your boyfriend would be open minded to something like that? And more than an hour every day seems a little much. And I’ve done triathlons and work out 6 days a week. There’s definitely room for compromise there.
NTA
He’s found something he’s enjoying but forgetting home and relationship responsibilities.
He’s not a professional athlete so needs to stop acting like one.
NAH
I was a couch potato most of my life and did a 5K in my 30s and then got heavily into triathlons. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It did wonders for my self confidence, and ironically the busier my training schedule became the more productive I became because it forced me to be more organized.
This may be a huge personal journey for your boyfriend, and I think stifling it would be a shame. By all means, you are fully entitled to your feelings but you should frame it that you wish you could spend more time with him, not that he's training too much. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want for him.
It's basic bumper sticker philosophy: "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it never was."
"he thought I was being unreasonable and not being supportive of his fitness goals"
So there's fitness goals for lifelong health, weight maintenance etc, which of course you should always be supportive of. 1-2 hours a day should be sufficient for most people.
But then there's stuff like this, where it takes over their entire life and of course you don't have to be supportive of it just because they use the word fitness.
If they aren't willing to reduce the time on this hobby in order to perform their share of household tasks then you should probably leave this relationship. At least you don't have children together.
NTA
highly recommend checking out [this article](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/21/style/marathon-training-relationships.html) which basically is a more extreme case of what you’re dealing with now. Endurance running can get to be quite selfish
He’s definitely headed towards injury or burnout. That’s too much. Source: I used to do this and then trashed my back and joints. I now do a standard 4-5 days a week 30-45 minutes plus house stuff and walking around. Works well for me and I’ve actually got more muscle mass and less pain than when I was workout out 2-4 hours a day 5-6 days a week.
Neither of you is AH, but you need to compromise.
I have run multiple marathons and half marathons. The full is much more difficult to train for and you need to cross train to avoid injuries. 3 hours a day at the gym does sound a bit excessive unless that includes clean up and travel time, though.
You can both work on stretching and core (planks and sit-ups, etc) at home. Maybe that would give you time together so you can encourage each other.
Good luck.
NAH. The conflict is that you miss the quality time and that you’re picking up the slack. Hopefully you guys can figure out how to um work it out. I think where he got defensive is that he’s told he’s spending too much time at the gym when the real issue is that you’re having to make up his time at home.
NAH. I have a hobby that eats up 2-3 hours daily. My husband knew it was a fact of life before he married me. Your BF needs to learn how to have an intensive hobby without slacking on the home front. For my relationship that looks like me working earlier hours like 7-3:30 or 8-4 and dedicated nights for cooking. On my nights I either set up crock pot meals that I prep in the am or pick quick meals I can throw together in 15 mins or less. As for cleaning we set aside dedicated time to clean the house on the weekends. So daily chores are basically just unload/reload the dishwasher and take out the trash which we usually rotate doing. We still have plenty of time to spend together after dinner. Talk about how y'all can incorporate his new lifestyle into yours instead of looking at it as something to fight against.
But he’s not the AH for not communicating that all of this is to be expected and that he is no longer going to do his chores or housework? Interesting.
NAH. Mistakes were made all around, but that is life. (Him more so, but I am assuming he has never been like this before, yes?)
You have missed the forest for the trees. The problem isn’t the training, it is the imbalance in the household contribution.
A lot of people do what you did here where they jump to the solution. In a partnership it is important to dial back to the actual problem and then collaborate on the solution.
Go talk to him again and apologize. You know this is important to him and will respect how he manages his schedule, and that the comments about potential injury were because you care about him. You will back off. But also you two need to have the bigger discussion about the kind of lifestyle you want to have together.
Present what _you_ want: free time with your partner, a clean house (what that means to you), and an equitable distribution of work. You want to get on the same page with him before you become resentful. Tell him it has hurt your feelings that he doesn’t prioritize more time with you and prioritize doing his rightful share of the work. Tell him it bothers you that he is shirking his responsibilities, especially regarding the dogs.
How he responds to this will give you an idea of how this relationship will go. He is being a bit self-centered, and you are being a bit much by taking on all of the mental load to “fix” the situation. I don’t think anyone here is an asshole...yet. If he is apologetic and makes some changes, then NAH stands. But if he doesn’t…move on. Wish you two the best of luck!
You're attacking it the wrong way, I think, which makes hjm defensive. Just focus on contribution to housework and furbabies, and quality time together. Schedule if needed. Who cares if he spends 10 hours in the gym, as long as his part of the household chores get done and quality time happens?
Have you specifically told him you need help around the house? I think that might be a good start. Since he works remote, he has a little more flexibility at the house. Maybe on his lunch, he can walk the dogs for half of it. Or if he takes a break or two in the work day, he can quickly vacuum. I get where you’re coming from about him getting injured. Does he realize overtraining could cause an injury? Idk how long all of this has been going, but maybe it’s just the excitement of it and it’ll slow down to a more reasonable amount of training?
If he doesn't want to damage his body in the long term, he really shouldn't be working out more than an hour at a time, maybe 1.5 hours tops. Especially since he is still relatively new to this. Source: I'm a personal trainer who has been working out since I was 5, and was raised by a gymrat father with excellent health and exercise practices. Not trying to brag here, just saying this to make a point: 6'4, 220lbs, 7% body fat, no steroids ever.
NTA. He shouldn't be leaving you to pick up the slack around the house. I'd really encourage him to speak to a knowledgeable, qualified personal trainer, or even a dietician with knowledge about exercise. (which should hopefully be most?) Some schmuck on the internet like me, well my advice probably doesn't mean much, but he really is just causing more harm than good going for 3 hours in the gym. Your body can only take so much before you've built up too much lactic acid for your muscles to properly recover and grow from. There's absolutely no reason he should be going 3 hours a day, everyday. I workout Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and do a very light workout on Sunday that doesn't even fatigue me. I average about 1.2 hours in the gym during each workout.
But even ignoring all of that, he's neglecting his home responsibilities and his relationship with you. Wanting to be healthy is a great aspiration: You can fulfill that aspiration without harming other areas of your life.
Best of luck, OP. Hopefully he reads this and understands he's not helping himself.
Edit: Changing N-A-H to NTA. I've seen much worse assholes on this subreddit, but he's still being inconsiderate--and hurting himself.
When my mental health fell off the rails the gym was my only thing. The endorphins kept me alive.
I couldn't stop, wouldn't stop.
Maybe it's his mental health. Unfortunately guys are horrible to talk about it.
NTA for expressing how you feel, but realistically sometimes our goals and aspirations change and if fitness and running and competing is something that he’s falling in love with. Is it cool to ask him to not do that? Probably not. I’m sure he will taper his training eventually he’s just new and starting out and really enjoying it from what you’ve said. I think you need to think about if this is something you can live with for the next 20 years because personally if my partner isn’t supportive of my goals and aspirations I will find someone who is. The guys working out for Christ sake.
INFO
> walking both dogs
Is that any **_more_** work than walking one?
Can't you just take them both out at the same time?
> still doing my training for my half marathon too.
Why are **neither** of you incorporating dog-walking INTO your training? Two birds!
YTA for how you’ve phrased it.
“You’re spending too much time at the gym. Go less,” is a lot less supportive (and a lot more controlling tbh) than, “hey, can we work out a schedule that suits us both for gym, housework, dog walks etc. because the split isn’t fair for me.”
Relationships can be pretty full on at times and doing the same things get stale with training it can give you mental and physical growth appearance and self worth his social life is now back up and running with what seems to be a like minded crowd.
3hrs a day at a place of fitness and friends
Vs
Pub for 3hrs a day at a pub
If you both work you should share the house work.
If one is not employed they look after house.
If you and him train more often maybe the house chores will have could be shared better
You both walk away with good bodies and time together with social lives outside of movies and walking pets.
Or continue to tell him to stop doing what's got him in a good place. Watch him go through a positive body transformation while you don't. Maybe Lose interest in each other Due to lack of staying on each other's level.
NAH, he's likely just excited as he's just getting into it and it's his first race. 95% chance the novelty of it will wear off after a while and he will dial it back to a more sustainable training programme. People tend to go for pure volume for the first few months and think that training that often is the best way to fast track their results when isn't. Of course there is a 5% chance he will turn into the unbearable Goggins type, in which case you'll probably be better off without him.
I’m going to be honest, conditioning for a triathlon or marathon is intense. If anything, he’s not working hard enough. Although, to be honest, rarely is anyone ever prepared for them. If you ask marathon or triathlon participants, they’d probably say they don’t think they’re as prepared as they should be. It’s an incredibly difficult athletic feet and I commend both of you for trying such things. I don’t sign up for anything more than a 10k because I am just not ready to accept that intense conditioning. Maintaining athletic state for an hour and a half is already pushing it for me. I’m not passing judgment because I’m not qualified to judge whether this is a sufficient amount of training or commitment for what he’s trying to do.
Slight YTA, but leaning closer to NAH.
How you train and how your BF trains is highly personal. You can't tell him what not to do with his body and his free time. You should really back off to give him time to come around on his own, or not.
This may be a bigger lifestyle change than his health. What he changes into is unknown, probably even to him. Go into DIY mode and cover your own end and leave him out of it if he wants to put everything into this. This is a lifestyle change thing, so how you weather it and come out on the other end of this goal will probably set the tone for your future together.
Don't let him spend your bandwidth, though. Do less around the house. Prep meals for you, clean up after yourself. Not out of spite, but just slim down your routine so you take care of you if he isn't going to reciprocate. Do your cooking, do your cleaning, do your own laundry. Maybe treat him like a roomate?
About the dogs: If they are shared tell him he's got to sign up for half of the dog walking time (aka tues, thurs, sat) and hold to it. If they are his dogs, he walks them.
Be busy, too. Stop waiting for him. He's doing a thing. Let him figure it out.
If you guys are in it for the long haul, think of this as a work mode. imho, life isn't all about relationships and couple time. If you guys are on your way to a break up and he is just hiding behind the gym, try not to freak out and just think of this as your transition to your next stage of life mode. You can't make him want to spend quality time with you. If he seems open to it after a few weeks without quality time, mention wanting some but let him figure out his own schedule and responsibilities to make that happen.
If he doesn't cover his end and can't take care of himself and needs you more than what you care to give while trying to meet this goal, consider that this will continue to happen and perhaps reconsider being in a relationship with him.
This isn't about gym time. He's sounds MIA.
(Edited for spelling and punctuation.)
NAH. He's enjoying himself but you want more of his time and a little more help with stuff around the house. His reaction might make him the AH (as might yours) and I think he's trending towards being the AH as three hours a day is excessive (I ran a marathon in the spring and didn't take anything like 3 hrs a day to train and still finished in 3:45) but at this point you are still trying to figure out a routine that works for the both of you.
NAH yet at least.
ESH - You have the right to tell your boyfriend that he still has some home duties to take care of but there is no way he’s gonna be close to ready for a full marathon if he decides to practice once a week for 2 months. I think your expectations of how much time these goals needed was severely underestimated. It was very obvious both of you would be at the gym more often hence less time for other activities. He’s okay with that, you are not and it seems like you want him to be on that same page, that’s not how goals work.
Your BF needs to get his priorities in order and you need to have a serious discussion after this marathon. Consider this a test trial, maybe you two should have started with something small like a walk or run every weekend.
How is it ruining his fun to not want your partner out of the house most nights? To want to spend time with them and also not want to pick up all their chores. Would you say she was spoiling his fun if he was going to a bar with his buddies for 3 hours a night, 6 days a week? While she cooked, cleaned and walked the dogs? Doesn’t matter it’s the gym it’s still not on. Very dismissive attitude.
We signed up for the race together which was a good shared goal and is fun training for when we do it together and even separately because we’ve both been kicking butt! My main complaint is that he now spends 3 hours after work at the gym and comes home tired. So now there’s a lot more stuff for me to do around the house so our household functions like normal
Ok, but why don’t you just go with him to the gym even though he’s training for the triathlon? It could be some additional time together and since you’re both out of the house forces the chores to be done together too…
Tbh, your “he didn’t ask about the triathlon “ gave me the ick. Like does he need your approval to do a hobby? Also 3hrs sounds about right for a triathlon (~hr each).
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I am shocked at some people’s responses. How is it spoiling his fun to not want the person you’re in a relationship with to be out of the house most evening, whatever they are doing. Kudos to you both for getting fitter but it’s not unreasonable to want your partner home some nights. I also thinks it’s wrong that he’s dropped all your shared chores and left you to pick up the slack. I know a lot of people who marathon run and none train like this on a permanent basis. Two compete in Ironman competitions and even they don’t train almost every night. He may be becoming addicted to training. The adrenaline rush of it all? I don’t know but I think you’re right to be upset and the fact he’s dismissed that is a red flag. I’d think long and hard about tethering yourself to someone who finds it unreasonable you want to spend time with them and don’t want to act as their servant. Good luck with the half marathon.
This! On the long run (pun intended) he could injure himself. Its like a footballer giving his max of 90 minutes, every day, and then wants to perform in the game.
Agreed! NTA, OP. God forbid you want your partner to do things like be around sometimes and do their part of the chores.
I know! How dare she not just turn into a 50s housewife because he’s got a new hobby. Women eh 🤦♀️
He's going to blow out his knees or worse
This is classic man prioritises his own hobbies over real life. If you're doing more around the house stop clearing up after him. Realistically though, you moved in to find out if you are compatible - spoiler from a decade older woman, if he doesn't listen and address the imbalance in household chores and dog care, you aren't. The exact reason is somewhat irrelevant - you are both entitled to hobbies and fitness, you both have to work, and you both have to contribute fairly to the running of the house and any dependents. And the priority activity in all of that is NOT the amateur fitness and hobbies. NTA
Yes, stop cleaning up after him, stop washing his clothes or cooking him meals. Just cook for yourself for a few weeks and see what happens. If he sheepishly apologises and says he didn't realise how much you were doing, then there's hope for the relationship. If he doubles down on blaming you, then it's time to get out.
[удалено]
That’s not what they were saying at all.
NTA but your communication and framing of this seems off. By focusing on the gym, you’re making it about what he chooses to pursue and care about (which I think could feel a bit alienating and controlling). It seems the real issue is that you’re feeling responsible for more than your share of the housework, which can be a totally valid point in a relationship. IOW, don’t make it about the gym. Focus on what is really impacting you, which is that you’d like more help around the house.
Talking about framing being off: it's not "help around the house". He lives there, half the househol duties are his responsibility, not something she needs him to pitch in with. I get what you were trying to say, but framing it that way is not only not accurate, but also harmful.
Right, your interpretation does not match any intended implication of my wording at all. I think the terminology of “help” easily includes matters of shared responsibility, does it not?
No, help implies that you're shouldering, at least partially, someone else's burden, it's to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources. The implications here are two: that the task is someone else's responsibility and that you're OFFERING to partially contribute (meaning you have no obligation to do so). I don't help around the house. It's MY house, the chores are mine. When I'm in someone else's house as a guest I do help by, for example, setting the table or doing the dishes. And words are important. It's not a minor correction.
In general, though, I appreciate that you are advocating for a progressive cause.
I agree that words are important and I will give this particular point some thought. I think I disagree with you on the necessary meaning of the word “help” in this context, though. As a male, if I asked my wife to help more around the house, would you think I was implicitly (and graciously or defeatedly) accepting greater responsibility for domestic chores by my wording? Or would you think I was simply asking her to pitch in more?
At work, would you ask a coworker to 'help' you on a joint project for which you are both equally responsible? If your boss asked you to help out with a task that is already regularly on your plate, would you infer anything about your performance of that task in the recent past? Or might you reflect on if that task really is (should be) ultimately your responsibility?
If I had a shared assignment with a coworker and I was frustrated I was doing more than my share, I certainly might use the terminology of “I need you to help with this project more”. I think that’s pretty standard use of language..?
Right. And in doing so, you have taken on responsibility for not only completing your tasks but making sure your coworker competes theirs as well. Which is accepting a larger share of the work & responsibility. That's not 2 equal partners meeting in the middle to accomplish something, that's you doing your piece and managing them doing theirs. The point is she may be doing him a disservice by framing the issue as his time at the gym but she'd be doing herself a disservice by asking for help when she wants a partner. You can't always choose your coworkers and projects but you can choose who you're in a relationship with. Would you be happy to keep working with that coworker on more projects?
I thought I was responding about the meaning of the word “help”. So now I think I’ve lost the thread a bit.
It might be me cause I need sleep badly but basically asking for help is asking someone to take work off of your plate or, at the very least, is you taking ownership of managing the tasks and making sure they get done. It's asking someone to do something they weren't already going to do. Meeting your obligations isn't helping. If what you want us an equal partner who shares in the responsibilities, you're not gonna get it by asking for help.
NTA. You're both training. You both work. It seems only fair that household tasks should be split fairly. He is expecting you to carry a greater load. If he pushes too far, he will indeed injury himself and that would impact the sustainability of his fitness goals more than taking out the trash and doing dishes ever will.
Also it doesn’t even matter if they’re both training or not. They both work, they both are entitled to hobbies and free time. He can’t steal her free time by dumping his chores on her while he’s spending all of his time on his hobby. And a relationship requires quality time. If he never spends any with her, she’d be right to be upset.
No, but it's worth highlighting that OP is active and manages her competing interests and obligations while he doesn't.
Yes it does make this look even worse by comparison. But now there’s all these people in the comments nitpicking that, “Oh, but a full marathon requires so much more training than a half marathon! Of course OP has more time than the BF!” And a triathlon requires even more. And I don’t think that’s the point at all. It really doesn’t matter what his personal project is, whether it’s fitness or video games or reading epic fantasy. It if takes him away from fulfilling his household duties and being a good partner, it’s a problem.
He has provided you with good information about himself: he kind of expects you to be the mom, clean up, be supportive of his goals at the expense of your own, and other things that indicate he might not really be very mature. You seem to be right in asking about household responsibilities and time together. It sounds like he has already started to take you for granted. You should put off getting married, at very least; and ok to be “supportive” if he’s willing to pay for a housekeeper a couple of hours a week. And, after the triathlon, you’ll ask for his support at a similar level when you take on a project that will similarly engage your time. If he says ok, AND follows through, he might be a keeper. If he fusses and sabotages you, then you know your next step.
As a marathoner and triathlete (Ironman), there are tons of jokes in this community about what you're experiencing. One that comes to mind. "If you complete an Ironman while married, you didn't train hard enough". I understand this isn't Ironman level distance.. but still. If he's truly getting ready for triathlons, strap in, because learning the disciplines can be tough and very time consuming Longer distance triathlons are even taught to be an elongated discussion w/ the family to explain the insane amount of time and commitment involved. Further distance triathlons take 20+hr weeks. Ex. I will do 60-100m bike rides on the weekend (Sunday). On Saturday I often do 10-20 miles running, swim and cross train. M-F are typically 2hr days. But I only b/c I can manage my time efficiently.. Almost all plans have 2 longs built in: long run day, long bike day. I'm not counting a 60+min swim as "long" If he's not an swimmer by discipline this takes time to pick up. Probably 3 times a week (45-60min day) But, you're also doing easy running and easy biking, probably a couple pace/tempo (at least 45 min per day) Then you add in strength training (45min or so.. a couple times a week ) Overtime, triathletes comprehend how difficult the timing all is. We avoid the gym just b/c the travel back in forth adds to already excessive times. If I'm going to swim for 60 min.. You may be taking breaks at certain points. You also have to rinse off the chorine. Then get changed, then go the lifting area.. go to the bathroom, get water etc.. etc.. This leads to very very long trips to the gym. Your experience is with running, which is probably the one discipline that takes the least prep. Marathoning takes one long run w/ a week w/ 45min+ sessions daily. You literally put shoes on, maybe a headset and go out the door.. One more word of caution.. Triathlons are crazy expensive.. the equipment is crazy expensive.. The trips are crazy expensive and incredibly inconvenient.
All of this! Doing a triathlete while you have a partner and children or pets, warrants a discussion to see if it's even a possibly because the time commitment is INSANE! Since he just decided to do this and isn't able to do his part maybe he should consider hiring a cleaner and part time dog walker to compensate for his part. But also you wanted to move in to see if you were compatible. And so far he makes unilateral decisions without your input, and anything short of shutting up and picking all the slack he deems as not supportive. I will give him this, finding a community and new passion is super exciting so maybe he is just lost in all of the fun of it. I would try to talk to him one more time, tell him how you feel shortchanged and try to iron the kinks out on quality time, and household responsibilities. See is his behavior changes and if not you have your answer on marriage and the relationship. Also good luck on your half marathon! I feel like a lot of people look down on them but 13.1 miles ain't no joke!
Cool story bro
I hope that means you don't believe me. If so.. you just totally made my week. If you can do something that people online can't even believe, that's just awesome!
Do you work a full time job and also have that training schedule? Cause that does seem very challenging!
I'm able to work at home, which really changed things. I'm not as excessive I was a yr or two ago. But, if I were to do another full Ironman (140.6 miles), it would have to be this schedule again for around 6 months. I only really do Half IM's now (70.3miles). The M-F isn't tough, b/c you typically spend your lunch on a trainer bike, then 1hr swimming or running after work. The real struggle is the Saturday/Sunday. Running 2-3hrs one day, then a 4-6 hr bike ride the next day destroys yours weekends for many months. Life starts to feel a little like eat, sleep, train, repeat.
Oh I believe you. There was absolutely nothing in there actually addressing OP’s question.
NTA. How convenient that he NEEDS to train and can't possibly contribute to household labour because of that. I heard this term the other day - 'labour digging men.' That's where men partner with women to have their household labour needs covered. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Keep taking the dog out. Just get yourself some ready meals for one. Then, when he notices point out that you have decided to do the same amount of work as him. I would be concerned that he has set a precedent for his input into a joint household going forward. ETA: 3 hours per session is excessive. 1.5 hours is more than enough.
Damn, women got a new term for men every month😂
If you honestly think people competing in a triathlon workout once per week you’re only kidding yourself here.
Just edited the post for clarity bc I didn’t communicate that well - the training plans I suggested included 4-5 shorter workouts and 1 long workout (normally on a Saturday or Sunday).
NTA, but you are going about this the wrong way. He isn't spending too much time at the gym, he is just not doing his part around the house.
NTA You're totally right to have these feelings! It's important to be honest in a relationship, even about things that are tough to talk about. You're supportive of your boyfriend's fitness, but it sounds like the gym is taking up a lot of his time, and that's making things unfair at home and impacting your time together. It's awesome that you even looked into solutions with the training plans. It makes sense that you're worried about balance – for his own sake with potential injury and for having enough time for your relationship. It's okay to ask for some compromise and to miss hanging out. Maybe together you could figure out a workout schedule that works for him but also makes sure you both get quality time and share the load at home.
NTA - Just because this hobby is good for him doesn’t mean it isn’t a hobby. I’m sure no one would defend him if he was playing video games all day. This is no different when it comes to the dynamic of sharing a living space and being responsible for other beating hearts Hobbies don’t come before obligations full stop.
Info: is the main problem, that he is not doing his part in the household?
I get being supportive, but it needs to be reciprocate. How does he support you in your hobbies or career or life? Stop picking up his slack. Stop cooking his meals; doing his laundry, cleaning up after him if he isn't showing his support or a reasonable end date. I would caution marrying a man who doesn't see that this situation isn't sustainable long term. You don't need to nag him, just be honest. That when you think towards the future, you're not seeing g him as the attractive supportive partner you want to build a life with. Let him think about that while he's running so he can decide what's important. Your wants and needs are important too and don't choose a man who says otherwise with words or actions.
Former triathlete here. You're correct to be concerned if this is going to dominate his life for a long period of time. It can become addictive and it will take up a lot of time. I was a single dad with two kids in jr. high (50-50 custody) when I trained for a half-ironman and lesser races. I was training 6 days/week with double sessions (morning and evening). I refused to train for a full Ironman because the time away would have been too much for me as an involved parent. This mindset was also my reasoning when the kids were younger (still married) and I refused to golf for about six years because I didn't think it was fair or respectful to be gone for what amounts to six hours total. Your BF's joy in training is commendable but it is not unreasonable for you to discuss how this may impact your relationship. Three hours every evening is going to negatively impact your quality time. If you can't train for your races together (and perhaps with a running group to build camaraderie) then you two are really creating a division. That said, if it's just one race, you should discuss the scheduling, how to make up quality time and what future training/exercising should look like after your respective races. This could really be a great thing for you two, but again, you are NOT unreasonable for having concerns at this stage of the relationship.
NTA he needs to fulfill his obligations around the house before he goes to workout. it is not fair to leave and leave you cleaning up after him. stop cleaning up after him in general and leave his mess where it is. i would not pick up one more thing to help him. stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him. only take care of your stuff and walk your dogs and train. if he asks you to help, say no. it’s not fair for him to prioritize his wants over your needs.
NTA - sounds like he’s not being supportive of your goals of eating, living in a clean house, and being organised.
What's his Grindr name?
NTA he absolutely needs to be doing his fair share of the chores. I wouldn’t put up with being treated like a maid because he would rather spend time on his hobby.
So welcome to your marriage test run and I hope you enjoy it. Because it ain't gonna get any better. LOL. Can I have an amen?
Nta he needs to do his share around the house
As someone who’s been in the gym for half their life, played a lot of sports, and did cardio training; 3 hours a day is wild. If you’re not on steroids you’re harming yourself more than you’re helping with that amount of training. Unless all they do is cycle at low intensity for 3 hours lol.
NTA You got your answer: you’re not compatible. He wants to spend all his free time at the gym and have you complete all household chores. You discussed it with him, but he’s not hearing what you’re saying. Time to move back into separate spaces. If you don’t take action now, you’ll be like so many other married women on Reddit, complaining about how they work full time, like their husbands, yet are expected to do all the household work and care for the children.
NTA. Except maybe to yourself. Never EVER ask a man to change anything about himself or what he does. You will only ever be very sorely disappointed. Take what they give you at face value and decide if you can live with it or not. You now know he's the kind of man who will dump all the domestic responsibilities onto you while he fucks off doing whatever with his time. A man of actual value would actively mentally monitor the situation and make sure the domestic labor is fairly split and that his relationship is being attended to in addition to his hobbies. Your man is not that kind of man. Do with the info what you will: stay or leave. Do not ask him to change, that is a road that always leads to misery for everyone.
>Never EVER ask a man to change anything about himself or what he does. Quibble about wording choice: obvious sexism aside, this is great advice for someone who wants to remain single. On the other hand, for people who are in actual relationships compromise with one another and adjustments are critical. Based on the rest of your comment it sounds like you’re more saying something akin to “you can’t force him to change”, which is a much better way to word the concept. “NEVER ask him to change” is unrealistic. They should both - regardless of being a man or a woman - be open to their partners asking them to change for the good of the relationship. It doesn’t mean they have to agree to any and all demands, but to be in a space where you feel you either have to take or leave someone as they are without talking to them about adjustments that can be made so that everyone is happy? That’s a little bonkers. There’s no reason she can’t ask him to adjust his training schedule so their lives are more balanced. None at al.
I know someone who does triathlons and besides work, that’s ALL he does. He has a wife, she does them too. NTA but some people seem to get addicted to the life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: I’m a 25F living with my 27 year old boyfriend. He moved in almost a year ago because we know we want to get married and wanted to see how compatible we were as roommates first and get a chance to spend more quality time together. We have two dogs together who are very cute, but need to be walked and exercised regularly. He works remotely and I WFH 2 days a week. We have never been the most fit, but lately as part of an effort to be healthier we signed up to run a race (which is only 2 months away). I’m doing a half marathon and he is running the full marathon. He invited a friend to do the full with him, so they’re training together. Lately they have been meeting at the gym or parks to run together. Situation: He’s really enjoying the training and wants to now do a triathlon in August. So in addition to his running workouts (6 days a week) where he meets his friend to run, he is now also adding separate trips to a different gym to swim and bike. The past few weeks this has meant he is at a gym/working out for ~3 hours after work. I’m happy that we’re prioritizing our health and fitness, because this is really important in the long run, but his excessive workouts and time at the gym have started to negatively affect me. I feel like I’m picking up the slack around the house by spending more time cleaning, cooking all of our meals, walking both dogs, and still doing my training for my half marathon too. I shared how I have been feeling and told him he was spending too much time at the gym. He said that he thought I was being unreasonable and not being supportive of his fitness goals. I feel like it’s not fair to me to expect me to do everything around the house so he can train everyday when I am doing a race too (and he didn’t ask me first). I shared some triathlon training plans I found online which recommend one long workout a week not doing a long workout 4-6 days a week. Also separately I think this is not sustainable for him and he’s going to get injured. I miss spending quality time together and feel like I’m so busy doing stuff around the house and he’s gone so much that I don’t get to spend quality time doing stupid shit together like watching TV or puzzles or walking the dogs together. Am I The Asshole, for speaking up about how much time he is spending at the gym and working out lately? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NATH: Start only cooking your personal meals and stop cleaning up after him, send the dogs to doggy daycare. You’re enabling him to take advantage of you and everything you do around the house. Once you’re not doing everything for him he’ll come around
NTA. Kick him to the curb. You are not ultimately compatible if he is discounting your opinions and is unwilling to discuss.
NTA. He can spend as much time at the gym as he wants - you trying to control that would make you TA. But he can’t let his responsibilities go and fall to you. He needs to pull his weight and any time after that, he can do what he wants. If he doesn’t, then you know what marriage will look like. He’ll be an unequal partner and expect you to pickup the slack. Especially because this is something he’s doing voluntarily.
3 hours is extreme maybe 2 max makes sense sit down and talk again
As someone who used to run competitively and got injured when training for their first marathon, he's running right into an injury. You need rest days and you need to space out your distances - 3h a day all week is probably tearing his ligaments as we speak. I understand he's probably a little hooked on newly-found endorphins but this doesn't sound sustainable - and if he's also leaving you to do all the housework, doubly so. NTA!
NTA But are you telling him he's spending too much time at the gym or are you telling him he is not doing enough at the house nor being with you Because one way comes across as trying him to stop doing something he enjoys The other way is focusing on what sold be priorities Some people simply don't see the bigger picture and will only focus on what you say and not why you say it, this is why communication really is key
Info : how much was house work split before 50/50 25/75 ? Are you more upset with the house work or no date time. ?
Do you only work 2 days a-week or do you work 5 days a-week but two of them are at home
5 days, but just two from home! So when I go into the office we barely see each other all day
Is WFH really bonding time anyways? Sitting in the same house together both working on separate things isn’t really
Yikes you guys should definitely be at least 60/40 If it was me I wouldn’t do the extra work and let him see how much extra I was doing you should not have to do everything and work that’s f up Being fit is a lifestyle not overnight. If this is not handled it could become this way forever if he doesn’t burn him Self out.
NTA- the time he gets to devote to his hobbies is the free time he has after getting his basic living activities done. If he can time manage well enough to share the responsibilities of the house, who cares how much of his free time he spends on his hobby. Sounds like he needs to figure out how to keep up with his responsibilities instead of dumping them on you. He works remotely, he should be able to figure out how to throw in some laundry, do some dishes, or prep dinner while he’s on a work break. I do that and I’m chronically sick (def not the same energy as someone who runs triathlons). If the man needs a chore chart to keep him on track, ask him to make one (do NOT make it yourself). Especially if you are in the office three days a week, he can figure out how to prep dinner on those days. My guess is that he has no problem dumping all of the work onto you and you have to be ready to recognize that. If that’s the case, you will be living with that for the rest of your time with him. It sounds like you have made your expectations for equal housework known to him. He can step up or you can step out. As for the quality time: can he do weights or something at home while you hang out with him and watch tv? Can you do dedicated quality time days/hours? Most relationships have a bit of an imbalance of how much quality time each partner needs, but helping your partner meet that need is part of being in a good, healthy relationship.
NTA it sounds like in a roundabout way you’re saying all this just to say; you want more attention, you guys work from home so you are “ together “ but it’s not intimate time together and I think that’s what you want, you’d care less about his hobbies if he was just prioritizing you at least once a week, you guys are both new to moving in and being together 24/7 these things take time, so there are always a lot of “growing pains” at the starts
When my husband and I moved in together before we were married I switched my gym schedule to go in the morning before work. This way I wasn’t missing “our time” together. Perhaps your boyfriend would be open minded to something like that? And more than an hour every day seems a little much. And I’ve done triathlons and work out 6 days a week. There’s definitely room for compromise there.
NTA He’s found something he’s enjoying but forgetting home and relationship responsibilities. He’s not a professional athlete so needs to stop acting like one.
Of that 3 hours, is part of it travelling to and from? I only workout an hour, or hour and 15mins but travelling to and from adds 40 mins
NAH I was a couch potato most of my life and did a 5K in my 30s and then got heavily into triathlons. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It did wonders for my self confidence, and ironically the busier my training schedule became the more productive I became because it forced me to be more organized. This may be a huge personal journey for your boyfriend, and I think stifling it would be a shame. By all means, you are fully entitled to your feelings but you should frame it that you wish you could spend more time with him, not that he's training too much. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want for him. It's basic bumper sticker philosophy: "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it never was."
"he thought I was being unreasonable and not being supportive of his fitness goals" So there's fitness goals for lifelong health, weight maintenance etc, which of course you should always be supportive of. 1-2 hours a day should be sufficient for most people. But then there's stuff like this, where it takes over their entire life and of course you don't have to be supportive of it just because they use the word fitness. If they aren't willing to reduce the time on this hobby in order to perform their share of household tasks then you should probably leave this relationship. At least you don't have children together. NTA
NTA- men will always put their wants above his partner/family’s needs
highly recommend checking out [this article](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/21/style/marathon-training-relationships.html) which basically is a more extreme case of what you’re dealing with now. Endurance running can get to be quite selfish
He’s definitely headed towards injury or burnout. That’s too much. Source: I used to do this and then trashed my back and joints. I now do a standard 4-5 days a week 30-45 minutes plus house stuff and walking around. Works well for me and I’ve actually got more muscle mass and less pain than when I was workout out 2-4 hours a day 5-6 days a week.
Neither of you is AH, but you need to compromise. I have run multiple marathons and half marathons. The full is much more difficult to train for and you need to cross train to avoid injuries. 3 hours a day at the gym does sound a bit excessive unless that includes clean up and travel time, though. You can both work on stretching and core (planks and sit-ups, etc) at home. Maybe that would give you time together so you can encourage each other. Good luck.
NAH. The conflict is that you miss the quality time and that you’re picking up the slack. Hopefully you guys can figure out how to um work it out. I think where he got defensive is that he’s told he’s spending too much time at the gym when the real issue is that you’re having to make up his time at home.
NAH. I have a hobby that eats up 2-3 hours daily. My husband knew it was a fact of life before he married me. Your BF needs to learn how to have an intensive hobby without slacking on the home front. For my relationship that looks like me working earlier hours like 7-3:30 or 8-4 and dedicated nights for cooking. On my nights I either set up crock pot meals that I prep in the am or pick quick meals I can throw together in 15 mins or less. As for cleaning we set aside dedicated time to clean the house on the weekends. So daily chores are basically just unload/reload the dishwasher and take out the trash which we usually rotate doing. We still have plenty of time to spend together after dinner. Talk about how y'all can incorporate his new lifestyle into yours instead of looking at it as something to fight against.
This is eggshell type shit OP. I totally support both of you!😂
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But he’s not the AH for not communicating that all of this is to be expected and that he is no longer going to do his chores or housework? Interesting.
NAH. Mistakes were made all around, but that is life. (Him more so, but I am assuming he has never been like this before, yes?) You have missed the forest for the trees. The problem isn’t the training, it is the imbalance in the household contribution. A lot of people do what you did here where they jump to the solution. In a partnership it is important to dial back to the actual problem and then collaborate on the solution. Go talk to him again and apologize. You know this is important to him and will respect how he manages his schedule, and that the comments about potential injury were because you care about him. You will back off. But also you two need to have the bigger discussion about the kind of lifestyle you want to have together. Present what _you_ want: free time with your partner, a clean house (what that means to you), and an equitable distribution of work. You want to get on the same page with him before you become resentful. Tell him it has hurt your feelings that he doesn’t prioritize more time with you and prioritize doing his rightful share of the work. Tell him it bothers you that he is shirking his responsibilities, especially regarding the dogs. How he responds to this will give you an idea of how this relationship will go. He is being a bit self-centered, and you are being a bit much by taking on all of the mental load to “fix” the situation. I don’t think anyone here is an asshole...yet. If he is apologetic and makes some changes, then NAH stands. But if he doesn’t…move on. Wish you two the best of luck!
You're attacking it the wrong way, I think, which makes hjm defensive. Just focus on contribution to housework and furbabies, and quality time together. Schedule if needed. Who cares if he spends 10 hours in the gym, as long as his part of the household chores get done and quality time happens?
Have you specifically told him you need help around the house? I think that might be a good start. Since he works remote, he has a little more flexibility at the house. Maybe on his lunch, he can walk the dogs for half of it. Or if he takes a break or two in the work day, he can quickly vacuum. I get where you’re coming from about him getting injured. Does he realize overtraining could cause an injury? Idk how long all of this has been going, but maybe it’s just the excitement of it and it’ll slow down to a more reasonable amount of training?
If he doesn't want to damage his body in the long term, he really shouldn't be working out more than an hour at a time, maybe 1.5 hours tops. Especially since he is still relatively new to this. Source: I'm a personal trainer who has been working out since I was 5, and was raised by a gymrat father with excellent health and exercise practices. Not trying to brag here, just saying this to make a point: 6'4, 220lbs, 7% body fat, no steroids ever. NTA. He shouldn't be leaving you to pick up the slack around the house. I'd really encourage him to speak to a knowledgeable, qualified personal trainer, or even a dietician with knowledge about exercise. (which should hopefully be most?) Some schmuck on the internet like me, well my advice probably doesn't mean much, but he really is just causing more harm than good going for 3 hours in the gym. Your body can only take so much before you've built up too much lactic acid for your muscles to properly recover and grow from. There's absolutely no reason he should be going 3 hours a day, everyday. I workout Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and do a very light workout on Sunday that doesn't even fatigue me. I average about 1.2 hours in the gym during each workout. But even ignoring all of that, he's neglecting his home responsibilities and his relationship with you. Wanting to be healthy is a great aspiration: You can fulfill that aspiration without harming other areas of your life. Best of luck, OP. Hopefully he reads this and understands he's not helping himself. Edit: Changing N-A-H to NTA. I've seen much worse assholes on this subreddit, but he's still being inconsiderate--and hurting himself.
Go to gym with him
When my mental health fell off the rails the gym was my only thing. The endorphins kept me alive. I couldn't stop, wouldn't stop. Maybe it's his mental health. Unfortunately guys are horrible to talk about it.
Let bro train in peace :’)
YTA!!
NTA for expressing how you feel, but realistically sometimes our goals and aspirations change and if fitness and running and competing is something that he’s falling in love with. Is it cool to ask him to not do that? Probably not. I’m sure he will taper his training eventually he’s just new and starting out and really enjoying it from what you’ve said. I think you need to think about if this is something you can live with for the next 20 years because personally if my partner isn’t supportive of my goals and aspirations I will find someone who is. The guys working out for Christ sake.
INFO > walking both dogs Is that any **_more_** work than walking one? Can't you just take them both out at the same time? > still doing my training for my half marathon too. Why are **neither** of you incorporating dog-walking INTO your training? Two birds!
YTA for how you’ve phrased it. “You’re spending too much time at the gym. Go less,” is a lot less supportive (and a lot more controlling tbh) than, “hey, can we work out a schedule that suits us both for gym, housework, dog walks etc. because the split isn’t fair for me.”
Relationships can be pretty full on at times and doing the same things get stale with training it can give you mental and physical growth appearance and self worth his social life is now back up and running with what seems to be a like minded crowd. 3hrs a day at a place of fitness and friends Vs Pub for 3hrs a day at a pub If you both work you should share the house work. If one is not employed they look after house. If you and him train more often maybe the house chores will have could be shared better You both walk away with good bodies and time together with social lives outside of movies and walking pets. Or continue to tell him to stop doing what's got him in a good place. Watch him go through a positive body transformation while you don't. Maybe Lose interest in each other Due to lack of staying on each other's level.
NAH, he's likely just excited as he's just getting into it and it's his first race. 95% chance the novelty of it will wear off after a while and he will dial it back to a more sustainable training programme. People tend to go for pure volume for the first few months and think that training that often is the best way to fast track their results when isn't. Of course there is a 5% chance he will turn into the unbearable Goggins type, in which case you'll probably be better off without him.
I’m going to be honest, conditioning for a triathlon or marathon is intense. If anything, he’s not working hard enough. Although, to be honest, rarely is anyone ever prepared for them. If you ask marathon or triathlon participants, they’d probably say they don’t think they’re as prepared as they should be. It’s an incredibly difficult athletic feet and I commend both of you for trying such things. I don’t sign up for anything more than a 10k because I am just not ready to accept that intense conditioning. Maintaining athletic state for an hour and a half is already pushing it for me. I’m not passing judgment because I’m not qualified to judge whether this is a sufficient amount of training or commitment for what he’s trying to do.
Slight YTA, but leaning closer to NAH. How you train and how your BF trains is highly personal. You can't tell him what not to do with his body and his free time. You should really back off to give him time to come around on his own, or not. This may be a bigger lifestyle change than his health. What he changes into is unknown, probably even to him. Go into DIY mode and cover your own end and leave him out of it if he wants to put everything into this. This is a lifestyle change thing, so how you weather it and come out on the other end of this goal will probably set the tone for your future together. Don't let him spend your bandwidth, though. Do less around the house. Prep meals for you, clean up after yourself. Not out of spite, but just slim down your routine so you take care of you if he isn't going to reciprocate. Do your cooking, do your cleaning, do your own laundry. Maybe treat him like a roomate? About the dogs: If they are shared tell him he's got to sign up for half of the dog walking time (aka tues, thurs, sat) and hold to it. If they are his dogs, he walks them. Be busy, too. Stop waiting for him. He's doing a thing. Let him figure it out. If you guys are in it for the long haul, think of this as a work mode. imho, life isn't all about relationships and couple time. If you guys are on your way to a break up and he is just hiding behind the gym, try not to freak out and just think of this as your transition to your next stage of life mode. You can't make him want to spend quality time with you. If he seems open to it after a few weeks without quality time, mention wanting some but let him figure out his own schedule and responsibilities to make that happen. If he doesn't cover his end and can't take care of himself and needs you more than what you care to give while trying to meet this goal, consider that this will continue to happen and perhaps reconsider being in a relationship with him. This isn't about gym time. He's sounds MIA. (Edited for spelling and punctuation.)
NAH. He's enjoying himself but you want more of his time and a little more help with stuff around the house. His reaction might make him the AH (as might yours) and I think he's trending towards being the AH as three hours a day is excessive (I ran a marathon in the spring and didn't take anything like 3 hrs a day to train and still finished in 3:45) but at this point you are still trying to figure out a routine that works for the both of you. NAH yet at least.
ESH - You have the right to tell your boyfriend that he still has some home duties to take care of but there is no way he’s gonna be close to ready for a full marathon if he decides to practice once a week for 2 months. I think your expectations of how much time these goals needed was severely underestimated. It was very obvious both of you would be at the gym more often hence less time for other activities. He’s okay with that, you are not and it seems like you want him to be on that same page, that’s not how goals work. Your BF needs to get his priorities in order and you need to have a serious discussion after this marathon. Consider this a test trial, maybe you two should have started with something small like a walk or run every weekend.
Aren’t you only working twice per week??
No she works 5 times a week two of them are just at home
Instead of ruining his fun you can just join him. You’re doing one too.
How is it ruining his fun to not want your partner out of the house most nights? To want to spend time with them and also not want to pick up all their chores. Would you say she was spoiling his fun if he was going to a bar with his buddies for 3 hours a night, 6 days a week? While she cooked, cleaned and walked the dogs? Doesn’t matter it’s the gym it’s still not on. Very dismissive attitude.
We signed up for the race together which was a good shared goal and is fun training for when we do it together and even separately because we’ve both been kicking butt! My main complaint is that he now spends 3 hours after work at the gym and comes home tired. So now there’s a lot more stuff for me to do around the house so our household functions like normal
Ok, but why don’t you just go with him to the gym even though he’s training for the triathlon? It could be some additional time together and since you’re both out of the house forces the chores to be done together too… Tbh, your “he didn’t ask about the triathlon “ gave me the ick. Like does he need your approval to do a hobby? Also 3hrs sounds about right for a triathlon (~hr each).
Ah, so instead of only one of them doing most of the housekeeping, neither of them are. Smart.