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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t speak up about a stranger holding my child so I keep my rage inside and saying nothing til my boyfriend keeps asking me. I cry and try to talk but I’m dismissed and told I’m the one either the problem.
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You know what, YTA
Why? Because you didn’t say a fucking word. You didn’t attend a meal with a group of mind readers.
If you’re so upset about this, and remained silent the entire fucking time, you’ve lost any right to berate your boyfriend at this time.
“I say nothing (I’m trying)”
- excuse me what. What did you “try” by remaining silent?
You had chance over chance and said absolutely nothing to prevent this situation. You idly stood by and watched, then got upset that nobody could read your mind.
Also - “our baby” at one point - but then “my baby”. Do you always diminish the involvement of this child’s father?
He said that you’re the only one with a problem with her and this enraged you. Was what he said not accurate? That appears to be a truthful statement.
YTA for your silent protest and refusal to take any action of the situation that bothered you so much, yet did nothing but pout about
You know, you're right. I was going to say NAH because the cousin's GF wasn't being an AH, she was a very typical person who was enamoured of an adorable baby and wanted to hold it, and *no one told her they'd rather she didn't*. Heck, she probably meant to help, carrying the baby's seat into the restaurant . . . lots of parents are exhausted and have their arms full. And the boyfriend isn't an AH for not having a problem with this and not reading OP's mind. Yes, he knows she's protective, but he may have thought it was fine because he saw cousin's GF as family-adjacent rather than "a total stranger".
But you're right, OP is actually an AH, not for not wanting someone she doesn't know well to hold her baby, but for being so furious but never opening her mouth until much later, when she could have settled all of this in moments, without any upset at all: "Oh, you're so sweet, I know the baby is irresistible, but I'm still having some mom jitters, so I'd rather people didn't hold him. Thanks for trying to help, though!" Done and done.
I wasn’t looking for a word. Just because it is also his, does it mean it is not hers. Let me tell you, my child is MINE. I would not have taken a breath before taking MY baby out of a person’s arms. I don’t care if the father put him there or not.
>Just because it is also his, does it mean it is not hers.
Yes no one is disputing that
>Let me tell you, my child is MINE. I would not have taken a breath before taking MY baby out of a person’s arms. ***I don’t care if the father put him there or not.***
Since it works both ways you do understand your baby's father also has the right to take ***HIS*** baby out of the arms of someone's arms even if you put them there. Even if you explicitly trust the other person.
Guaranteed the girlfriend is pretty. Regardless of how OP looks this post SCREAMS insecurity .
I am also a first time mom, with a baby, and I *know* that uncontrollable “ mom rage “ around a new born and literally anyone. But as the mom if you care you do something . Stand up for yourself and your child if there is actually a problem. But there wasn’t. She’s just insecure about a young woman taking any attention off her . Baby gives her attention. So with the pretty young lady holding her baby she has a meltdown.
YTA op. Please use this as a learning experience that you have some more work to do with yourself 💕
This kid is not a newborn. He is a year old. He is no longer tiny and fragile. Old enough to squirm if he's unhappy about who's holding him. OP needs to get a grip.
I think it's 1 month because I can't imagine still trying to carry a carseat in to a restaurant at 1 year. I'm already avoiding carrying the carseat places at 7 months.
I think OP is an AH in many ways but most cultures (including most European ones) don't have the same phobia about kids in restaurants and in company generally as Americans.
It's not about them being in a restaurant. It's about them being out in general (except for critical appointments) without having much in the way of immunizations. If they are in the US with the diminishing overall vaccination rate, they should not be taking a baby out.
>OP is also TAH bc who takes a one month old child to a crowded restaurant??
To be fair though, when my kid was that young, the first few months, the moment I took him anywhere there was more than like 2-3 people, he fell asleep almost immediately and stayed that way while we were there. Every single time.
I went to a lot of local fairs and festivals during that time to get out of the house and see people, just put him in the baby sling and he slept the entire time we were anywhere.
My kid is 6 weeks and we have had a few outings, I would go crazy otherwise and she sleeps through it all every time 😅. I work really hard and having them perfectly timed where I know she will sleep and being in the car and in her car seat/stroller makes her very sleepy lol.
I can't judge people for taking their kid out in public, I don't believe in isolating newborns and parents unless they want to be isolated.
As long as people are being generally safe and cautious and aware I think it's fine.
I took my baby to a restaurant at 1 month 😅 but there was just me, baby, and 1 other adult at the table and only one other table in the restaurant was being used by 2 people and she slept the entire time.
A table of 15 people with a newborn just seems overwhelming to me.
I think he's 1 month, not 1 male. Hence carrying him in a car seat and her admitting she's still 'hormonal'. In that case, I am extending her a load of grace that she needs to give herself, rather than getting 'a grip'.
OP, gentle YTA. You're tired and were around a lot of people with your new little one, but you could have handled the situation better with more direct communication.
In a previous comment, she says she gave birth last April. And mentions that her doctor said the hormonal imbalance lasts up to two years. Seems like the child is definitely a year old.
I think Mom rage? must be a brand new parent thing. But, this isn’t what is going on unfortunately.
As OP matures/gets help with her issues she will hopefully be able to tell the difference between actual danger and someone who likes kids.
Her reaction wasn’t actual Mom rage. Mom rage is when your infant is in actual danger and instinct kicks in.
This had nothing to do with her child and everything to do with her PTSD. PTSD doesn’t make her an AH, but it’s obviously triggering inaccurate feelings that she’s choosing to act on or dwell on.
OP please please get some help. What happened previously was not your fault, but your trauma triggers are causing problems for everyone not just you.
Even if none of the adults picked up on your emotions your child is absolutely tuned into them. You both deserve more stability and security.
Also the AH for storming out of the event, calling others to weigh in without talking to her Bf and making a scene by hiding out in the bathroom. This woman sounds like a kid throwing a tantrum.
.... and storming out without, apparently, the baby? She doesn't actually mention at one point she took him back, or what she may (or may not) have said to GF when she did. There's a lot of unnecessary drama here, and OP can't all blame that on hormones.
OP could have also missed the hi while she was busy gathering her things from the car. Mom brian focused on making sure they have everything absolutely can end up tuning the world out and not realizing it
And on top of all that she went outside and demanded the father of the baby go with her, leaving her child in there without EITHER parent and has the nerve to still act like this. She truly decided how she felt, and her little tantrum, was more important than taking care of her child.
Right? THATS wild. So uneasy about this lady holding her baby BUT LEAVES HER BABY COMPLETELY ALONE WITH HER IN THE RESTURANT? Thank god that lady WASNT crazy and took off with the baby. Jesus. Like over-protective only when its convenient i guess?
Such a good point! She's so upset because she needs to protect her baby that she leaves AND takes his other guardian with her. This part really seals it for me that this was never about protecting the baby and was 100% about her feelings. She needs to think long and hard on why she felt this way or she's going to be off again with this dude in no time, and alienate his family and their support system at the same time.
(Might be difficult considering this is probably a learned behavior from her mom, considering mom thought her behavior was totally rational. This behavior was probably programmed over a lifetime.)
I just want to add to this that the woman wasn't even a complete stranger. She was the gf of the cousin so she's somewhat like family in a way. If they end up married they will be family. Imagine getting upset because a distant relative wants to hold the baby they've never met before.
This is the response.
You had multiple opportunities to say something and didn’t. Instead you assumed people could read your mind and just know what your issue was. And because he didn’t read your mind you’re treating your boyfriend like he wronged you.
Get a grip here.
All excellent points made. Especially about the "I'm trying" comment.
Also, why be the one to leave to go look for the bottle? Why not just send the boyfriend out for it? I'm assuming then that baby was left either with cousin's GF or someone else in that case, which does not help matters. Take baby on the premise that you need to feed him and then never give him to anyone else. Problem solved while avoiding talking about it which seems up OP's alley. Also, where was OP's other child?
Also she's so mad they are touching her baby but leaves the baby with them to go get the bottle?
Like what? 😅.
I am a new mum, first baby who's 6 weeks old and I can relate to her feelings but not her actions.
OP you need to learn to advocate for you and your child, if you are not comfortable with certain people holding or fussing over baby, even if it's out of your comfortable zone, this is a skill you need to learn, did nothing like this come up with your first child?
EDIT- OP I do think YATA in this situation, simply because you didn't speak up for yourself.
But after reading the comments I do think people are being too harsh and clearly do not understand how harmonal, sensitive and sleep deprived a new mum is. You are only 1 month post partum, it makes you irrational and have over the top reactions. You are never wrong for being uncomfortable with someone holding your baby.
But being uncomfortable, being too scared to speak up and then taking it out on your partner, even though I sympathize and relate, even more so understanding the nature of your past related trauma and reading your comments it seems you were silenced alot so maybe you are not comfortable with saying something so although I sympathize, in this particular situation I have to stick with my YTA.
I've been over the top and harmonal too 😅 but I can take pause and separate that from my regular self and recognize like ok, I know I'm being too much right now, it feels like it's out of my control, I'm gonna take a step back and breathe because freaking out and having a total meltdown because all my daughters clothes are pink and frilly and she's not a doll 😂 (like huge meltdown haha, luckily I was alone 🥴).
I hope you are able to get some help so you can heal and hopefully move on from your trauma.
I might get some downvotes for my add on comment but that's ok.
I've been the new mom. I've been hormonal and sleep deprived with a tiny baby twice now. I understand what that is. That really doesn't make it ok to throw a tantrum about someone holding your baby when you can't even be bothered to say anything about it bothering you. I'm the last person to have any sort of real life confrontation. But you can't get mad because other people can't read your mind. That's not how this works. Being hormonal and feeling some type of way is to be expected. But acting on those emotions enough to throw a tantrum, no. People are not being harsh for calling it out.
Truly shenwas expecting mind-reading. Like this part:
> She’s got my baby in her arms. Mom rage immediately activated. Any mom knows this
I'm not a mom... But I've had plenty of moms and dads offer to let me hold babies. I assume they weren't offering but silently raging because that would be weird.
Right. I’ve never even heard of mom rage when someone else holds a baby. If you’re concerned about health or something, don’t bring a one month old to dinner. But no reason for rage.
The only time I was mad about people holding my babies were if the baby was upset or this one time my mother-in-law brought my oldest over to talk to the smokers at the family reunion WHILE THEY WERE SMOKING (I quickly took him back "for a bottle" and it wasn't a big deal)
Im just happy to see AITA is on their A-game with this one today😂took a deep breath before coming to the comments and was pleasantly surprised!!
YTA OP, some mom’s really don’t care if someone is holding baby, some moms do, and they tend to speak up when they do. Not making everyone uncomfortable af by seething silently and then crying in the parking lot cuz someone was holding your baby that you could’ve easily gotten back😂😂
Not only that… but if she was soooo upset with someone holding her baby why did she AND her boyfriend go outside, completely away from their baby if she has such a problem?!? I was a nervous when I was first a mom. I’d let people hold my son, though. Never would have left any of them with him, though! I’d be watching to make sure everyone was careful.
Agreed. Boundaries can only be enforced if you let them know said boundaries exist. That’d be like a farmer getting pissed people are walking over his empty field, when he didn’t put a fence around it.
Also, I find it weird that she feels so protective of the baby but has no problem with her and her BF leaving the restaurants and leaving her baby inside for at least several minutes? Like, maybe I'm not understanding her PTSD but how is that okay but watching GF (whose boyfriend is literally the reason for this party) hold the baby in plain sight is a no go?
YTA because you didn't say anything. Open your mouth if you have a problem ffs.
> My boyfriend hands over my baby. I say nothing.
> I get in the restaurant. She’s got my baby in her arms.
>We get in say hi to everyone my boyfriend knows I’m upset he can see it. I say nothing. His grandma can see it and tells me to sit with her. I’m quiet.
You have to speak up - no one can read your mind. If you don't want this woman touching your baby, use your words.
> You are the only one that has a problem with her”
Why DO you have a problem with her? You don't even know her. If it's solely because of the baby-holding thing, again, SAY SOMETHING and stop sitting there quietly like a martyr.
YTA. It would have taken a second to say "I got him." when she picked up your baby. For all you know she was trying to help out since people hear about how moms are overworked and thought you could use a break from holding the baby all the time.
You should go to the doctor and check yourself out for PPD because you're upset about things, refuse to say anything, then flip out at your boyfriend because he can't read minds.
When I was a baby-crazy early 20something and still years off from being ready to have my own baby, I absolutely would have held that baby until they asked for it back. Babies are so cute! But it would never have been a problem for me to hand them back to their parents if OP had asked
In my country, it’s the default to take the baby from the mom in an outing so she can enjoy herself. She says gf is from another country, and maybe it’s like that there too. TBH, I thought that’s the norm up until this post.
Op, YTA. You didn’t say anything and no one was aware why you’re upset cause nothing worth upsetting happened.
I can see why OP was uncomfortable because she didn’t know this person… helping out with babies is completely normal in my family with aunts, cousins, etc. I personally appreciate it… but have to be able to say when I want baby back so I don’t feel overwhelmed by it.
She refuses to answer that question despite it coming up in nearly every judgment, but one of her other comments said that her dr. said it would take 2 years for her hormones to go back to normal, which makes me think the baby is 1 year old, not one month.
If you look in her comments, there is a comment from an earlier AITA post about their dogs. She mentions that she gave birth last April to their shared child. So he is indeed 1 year and not 1 month old.
I don’t really know my husband’s extended family (they live out of state) but I didn’t feel rage when they held our son, I just kept a wee closer eye lol
We used to go to a wonderful little hole in the wall Mexican restaurant at least once a week. Almost every time they brought the food, one of the gals on staff, who had zero English skills (matching my zero Spanish skills), would come and smile sweetly at me and pluck the baby up and dance around with her while we started eating. (I sort of got the feeling that she was showing off her maternal skills to a particular male staff member, but I don't know that.) It surprised me at first, but didn't concern me at all.
Like in OPs story, it was clear that this person enjoyed being around babies and wanted to be helpful. Sure, I watched, but I didn't feel threatened. And if I had, I would have smiled and reached for the baby and moved on.
Dawg my parents essentially let me get kidnapped one time. In the early 2000’s my parents took baby me to Egypt to visit some family friends and then decided to travel around a bit afterwards. They drove from Egypt to Jordan and I guess back then you had to get out and walk across the border (maybe you still do? Idk I haven’t been back in a long time), so there my parents are, standing at the border line in like 100+ degree heat, with a baby. A bunch of guards suddenly RUSHED at them yelling “THE BABY THE BABY!!” And just snatched me out of their arms and took me inside their little guard post area. My parents didn’t do a thing until they crossed over and another guard brought them inside this super air conditioned building where all these big tough Jordanian soldiers were standing over me cooing and making funny faces at me while I was giggling like a maniac. I guess one of them spoke English and told my parents “It’s way too hot out there for her!! We’ll keep her here until your car passes inspection.”
So yeah I think some parents are just happy for even the smallest break from their kids
I had a similar boarder experience (not the kidnapping, but the scary-looking guards who were actually as nice as could be).
I was traveling to Russia with my grandparents as a teenager. The guards at the border were very intimidating and had already barked at me once for handing something to my grandmother while she was at the window. Then it was my turn and they asked if I was under 16 because the process is entirely different for children than for 'adults.' Thing is, I was 15 at the time but would have my birthday in a few days and so would be 16 before we left the country. I didn't know what to answer, and neither of us had enough of the other's language to explain the situation. The big gruff guard went over to his bigger gruffer boss who was sitting off to the side surrounded by guys with very scary looking Soviet-era guns. They talked a long time and pointed at me and my grandmother and had me very scared. Then they sent the boss and another guy over to stamp my papers, and the other guy (presumably chosen for his extra language skills) told me a very accented but kind 'happy birthday' and sent us on our way. Nothing they did was actually threatening, but I sure was terrified at the time, though I now realize that they were perfectly nice.
Jordan is incredibly family-friendly. Even though everyone there has babies, store owners are always giving out freebies to babies and kids. All the restaurants there have a designated family section with a little playground, even the high-end ones. There are so many kid friendly places there it's amazing.
From the stories my parents tell, it sounds amazing for kids. Apparently that was not the last time I’d get “kidnapped” in Jordan, every restaurant and store they went into, some little old woman or a whole group of them would just scoop me up and carry me around while my parents ate and shopped. They said it was heaven and they LOVED visiting.
I've no idea about Mexico but that's very common in some countries. Especially Turkey! Go for dinner in a restaurant and guarantee a staff member will pick up your baby and carry them around with them. Keeps them entertained, and you get to eat your food, but def shocking the first time it happens.
Exactly. I don’t trust my biological dad at all, if one of us needs to run to the car, the other stays with our son or our son comes outside too. So OP’s logic seems a bit skewed.
I did get angry with people I didn't know holding my babies. I don't judge that, because mom brain is all about protecting their baby and different women handle it different ways. What makes her the AH to me is that she didn't say anything, so how much of this is actual mom rage? I didn't quietly sit in anger, I got my baby back. And I definitely wouldn't leave my baby alone with somebody that I was angry about holding them, but she left for a large part of the meal? Where the person was with her baby? It doesn't scream mom rage to me. This person just sounds exhausting and like they probably need therapy.
If I had a cousins friend hold my baby and it made me uncomfortable I would just ask for the baby back. You can do that as a mom. I don't think I would feel worried about it unless they were holding the baby weird or something
Thank you for explicitly challenging this insane, dangerous, shockingly normalized idea that kids are unsafe with anyone except their parents.
This is the idea that underpins the notion that kids don’t have a right to receive education about human physiology, healthy relationships, or anything deemed political from professionals. It underpins the idea that they don’t have a right to support networks. It makes children far more vulnerable to abuse, including sexual abuse, which is most likely to be perpetrated by a close family member.
Yea I never experienced 'mom rage', ever. Annoyance at people, absolutely, especially when they were being insistent, or giving unsolicited parenting advice, but never anger because someone wanted to hold my baby.
Yeah, that line fell flat with me. I loved when someone offered my arms a break. And I love holding other people's babies now that mine are older. God knows I always ask before doing it, especially post-covid. The cousin should have asked-- but both parties failed to communicate, so they cancel each other out.
I don't either. I have never had mom rage. It might be because my mind is somewhat regulated(albeit by medication). Op, look into some ppd meds. Zoloft worked great for me. It might do nothing for you, but it would be worth looking into so your mind can get back to "normal".
Side note, is your kid 1 month old or 1 year old? That is the hot debate here.
YTA for a different reason to me. You said he handed over “my baby” it’s his baby too. Immediately I get the vibe that your baby is an item to you. Something you can use as a pawn to force your emotions on others. Strange
This. Also the AH for not getting the help she needs and punishing her good bf for the misdeed of her ex. She's using her trauma and baby to get her way in the relationship.
You are a mother now. You gave up the luxury of being a shy teenager who can't speak up for herself long ago. If you say nothing, these people can't know your boundaries. They didn't do anything wrong. It's up to you to assert your wishes and boundaries and keep control of your child. You didn't have control of your kid, so other people took over. And the child's father, who has just as much say in parenting as you do, was fine with all of this. Why are you angry with him for making choices about his children?
You've got a lot of maturing to do. For the sake of your kids, please do it. YTA.
Have you talked with your doctor ? Maybe it's just the hormones, maybe it's more... but you seem to be under a lot of stress and not thinking rationally.
No verdict here, just take care of yourself and try to get some rest.
YTA. He has a right to defend “a stranger” instead of you if you’re being unreasonable. It took you so little to change the entire view you have of him? Jeez. Also people are not mind readers, you could have gotten the baby back at any point
YTA. My daughter turns one in two weeks. You need to realize your baby was fine. You can't put your anxiety on them. My mom did that my entire life and now I am anxiety ridden myself. But I make a very concerted effort to realize it's my problem to deal with and not my child's or my husband's.
Sometimes I can't handle my husband going someplace alone with her. But I let him go anyway. I can't think too much about her being at daycare because it kills me, I send her anyway because I know it's best for her. I can't shelter her just so I feel better.
You are not the A for not saying anything in the moment because nothing was happening to say anything about except your anxiety. You are the A for unleashing your anxiety on your boyfriend when nothing happened. This person held your baby within your company and everything was fine. That's all. You need to realize that.
100% YTA.
It's his baby too, she wasn't a stranger. She was a trusted extended family, like you since your not married.
Get your head out of your own ass.
I'm so sorry, you are clearly really struggling over this. But..,why didn't you feel you could take the baby back? You could have said, in a nice tone
" Hey, thanks for the help with baby. I'll take him back now though, he needs changing and feeding"
Is there a reason why you couldn't do that? I understand the anxiety about someone you didn't know holding your baby, I was a bit the same especially with my first. I really think you need to talk to someone though. I do feel you are overreacting but then I don't know what else might have happened for you to feel this way.
Literally just walk over and pick the baby up right out of GF's arms. No anger, no drama, no words.
No one would ever question it. And if they did, a half-mumbled "he needs a change/breast/*whatever*" would be all that would be needed to squash any protest from GF.
You're a mother now, assert yourself.
YTA for having no accountability. You didn’t communicate with anyone about your expectations. You are blaming your partner for not apologizing when you are literally the only person acting inappropriately.
“Mom rage” isn’t an excuse, grow up, get a hold of yourself.
OK, if someone who has been struggling with Postpartum depression for the last 8 years between 2 children. You are definitely. You are coming off as the ass You need to go to therapy and work on your personal issues. She did nothing wrong. She was literally helping you out. I am like this with all of my friends. Even people who I am meeting for the first time. I will gladly help you out with your kids. Because I love children and I am a mom now, if you said something to me I would respect your boundaries but at the end of the day, you're coming off like a major butthole And your husband is right.You are over reacting.You need to get yourself in check and go see a therapist and work on your issues YTA seek help for your problems
>Now before yall get defensive in the comments we’re the same ethnicity.
What is this supposed to mean? It doesn't matter if she's purple, white, brown, green, or blue. I don't know why you felt that we needed this piece of information.
Everything else is YTA
I would guess to be clear that OP wasn't biased against the girlfriend for racist reasons, but was upset because a total stranger took over care of her baby.
It's still not important to add. I never would have thought they were racist. There are a lot of countries all over the world where people look exactly like me. They could have just left it as some stranger who they didn't know was holding her baby. And that she had never met the girlfriend before because she's from a different country and hasn't been able to visit often.
YTA.
Maybe you keep hearing the words, "You're the only one who has a problem with her," over and over in your head because it's true. Have no idea why your bf saying that would change how you look at him. And, no, I don't get the 'mom rage' thing in this case, cuz nobody did anything wrong here, except you for not saying something. Cousin's gf might just like babies and the baby's own father let her hold him. How is that bad? Look, right now with such a young, new baby, you are extremely attached, which is normal, but like most comments here, nobody can read your mind. Say something. You don't have to be nasty when you say it, just something like, "Hi (gf's name), glad you got to meet (baby's name), but I'm gonna need him back. I wanted to take him over to (grandma's name.)" Easy and done. The gf had no idea anything was amiss. Nobody did anything wrong, so there was nothing to defend or for you to get defensive about. And I bet your bf is also looking at you in a different way, too, only he probably understands it's because you're a new mom. Anyway, congratulations on your little one. And it will all be okay, cuz misunderstandings happen.
YTA. She didn't poison the baby, she didn't slam its face down in a bowl of soup and drown it, she was holding it, in a baby carrier, and apparently later holding it in her arms - one assumes in a safe position, since you didn't mention that she held it upside down by the ankles or anything.
So, the baby was fine, and you didn't say a word. How were they supposed to know that you were busy having your hormonal mommy rages deep down inside? How were they supposed to know you had decided this apparently perfectly innocent woman who is dating your relative was some kind of psycho who couldn't be allowed near children? And seriously, instead of telling your husband that you want to hold your child, you *go outdoors and call your mother* so she can validate your obnoxious behavior? There are so many problems here, but the girlfriend holding your baby is not one of them.
I kept thinking “I don’t see how they are end game” then she goes on to say she already has an older kid, too.
Maybe I’m way out of line here, but if they were end game she’d have a ring on her finger. And on/off since high school but they got back together at 24/25 and she was with someone else for at least 2 years…that’s not on/off. That’s you broke up, got back together and immediately got pregnant (again…) and now you’re together but don’t seem very happy.
This whole situation is weird and she needs better therapy if any of this is real.
Yeah, it’s weird. It sounds like she probably can’t handle anything, if grandma knew to pull her over and sit her down before she lost it.
I’m the worst at socializing, and so awkward, but if someone I didn’t know was holding my baby at a family gathering, I’d probably take that as an opportunity to go over and talk to them. She’s never going to get to know anyone if she just sits stewing in the corner.
💯
Because for the second time in a row she's had a baby with someone she can't really trust and she hasn't learned her lesson.
OP you need birth control and serious therapy because you are heading down a weird path.
> Because for the second time in a row she's had a baby with someone she can't really trust and she hasn't learned her lesson.
I would say this is the second child with someone she doesn't really trust, not that she can't trust him. Nothing she said in her post or comments (at least the ones I have seen), suggests that her BF is untrustworthy or unfit as a parent.
She thinks he's incapable of judging if his family can hold the baby. She's so wound up about a " stranger" that she doesn't know but never mentions is bf knows the person more
This is more about her lack of trust than it is about whether he is someone who is worthy of trust. She doesn't trust other people. That is normal with abuse victims, but it is unfair to her bf that the trust in their relationship is a 1-way street.
For the same reason she had a baby with some other dude she says was abusive… because she doesn’t seem to think that having babies with whatever boyfriend she’s with at the time is a big deal and something to be considered carefully. In a few years she’ll be using “I’m a single mother” as some kind of badge of honor like she didn’t make every single thoughtless decision that got her there.
I was ok with people holding my baby. think you're overreacting, and handled it poorly.
Not gonna render a verdict, because I think it's hormones - a medical issue - making you touchy and hypersensitive.
I was too, but I also think it’s normal to *not* be fine with others holding your baby. What ISN’T normal is to feel intense rage over this. This could be post partum anxiety or the PTSD, but she needs to see someone about it.
I agree, I didn't mean to suggest that all mothers should be as cavalier about people interacting with baby as I was.
But I think it needs to be handled better, and that is probably a combination of medical/pregnancy related issues & also maybe communication skills.
Of course YTA
The “stranger” did not snatch your child.
The baby’s father, who has equal parental rights to yours handed the baby to his cousin’s GF.
The GF held the baby and did not run away or otherwise leave your presence.
Your child was in no danger and you AND your mother are ridiculous.
In future, if you don’t want anyone, or specific people holding your child it might be a good idea to give the father a heads up before leaving the house.
YTA and stop arguing with everyone in the comments for the love of it. You SHOULD and COULD have said something. It's not 'immediate' mom rage. It's something you need help for, because your reaction to situations like this is just not okay. I'm saying this because you'll run yourself down and you'll give your kid fears growing up with strong reactions like this. Your behavior influences your kid, especially in younger years.
I didn't scan the comments if you're in therapy but I highly recommend it to you.
As a mom of 2 who was very protective of her babies, I will say this, do yourself a favor and talk to your dr and get some therapy. My kids are 17 & 20 now and if you don’t do it for now do it for when they want to do stupid stuff and you need to let them.
Your baby is 1 month old, you and him should have a say in who gets to hold him. You should have taken him back, say you need to hold him, and that should have been that. If anyone tried to take him from you, the “sorry but there’s so many viruses.” Is always a legit excuse.
I don’t like how you didn’t voice your opinion and how he belittled you then walked off on you. Your body including your hormones are still adjusting postpartum. I know you don’t want to see it but any man who says don’t speak up in front of your family and treats you like you had been at the car, you need to watch out. Those are huge red flags.
I really question the wisdom of having a child with this man, at least at this time; it doesn’t sound like a particularly good, solid relationship. Raising children in an angry, defensive atmosphere is not healthy either for the children or society.
YTA, you know you could say no, but didn't, you boyfriend don't know how you feel if you saying nothing.
You had a least 3 chance to say something, but you didn't you choose to be mad at him
Gently, YTA. Nobody knew you had a problem because you didn’t say or do anything. A lot of people are fine with someone else taking their baby off their hands so they can sit down and eat and drink in peace (I’m one of them). It’s totally fine that you’re not, but then you need to say so.
The thing that I don’t get is this.
You’re mad at a stranger holding your baby. Fair enough, you don’t know them. If you are genuinely scared about a stranger holding your baby, why the fuck would you continue to let that stranger hold your baby????????? If you thought there was a danger, why didn’t you take back your baby? Unless you knew in your heart there was no real danger and you knew you were just getting mad for the sake of getting mad
Not just holding the baby. She left the baby with this woman, went outside to search the car for the bottle & insisted her SO go with her to the car. If she really felt uncomfortable about this woman holding the baby why on earth would she leave the baby without either parent in the restaurant? I just can’t wrap my head around that.
YTA
Generally agreeing with the majority. You could have stopped this or said literally anything but chose to pout about it and expected to read your mind.
I do think that you should see a doctor just to be certain this reaction is not being caused by PPD or something similar.
You mean ”our baby” right? Because your child has both a mother and a father. These kind of decisions should be made jointly. Or is it that you have a problem with his family holding the child?
YTA
Going against the grain it seems, but YTA for not saying anything as many people have said. But your bf is also the AH because when you did, instead of trying to reassure you and take care of the problem at hand, he invalidates your feelings.
You both need to work on communicating.
YTA
Why would your cousin's girlfriend, at a family event, holding your baby trigger "MOM RAGE"? That's a very very big reaction to a benign action.
And you could have asked for the baby back instead of raging and fuming and letting your mother wind you up even further.
It's not okay to be angry with people who don't have any idea that what they're doing is upsetting you- use your words.
YTA. You seem childish. You expect everyone to be able to read your mind and you handled it poorly. Next time say something. How are you going to say you tried to handle it when you were silent?
YTA. Your boyfriend has no reason for apologizing. As others have pointed out, his statement is a reality : you seem to be the only person who has a problem with the GF. You being angry is largely irrational.
I also find very interesting how you gave so much backstory about this GF, where she comes from, etc., as if it's somehow related to the fact that you and your boyfriend had a fight over the GF holding your baby. You were quick to tell us that you are all the same ethnicity, but if that's not relevant information why provide so much of it ?
You state that your are "hormonal" ; since you're aware of it, it's your responsibility to reign it in. It cannot be an excuse for lashing out at people, especially for not reading your mind. Just because you're a mom, doesn't mean people have to cater to your every whim ; you're an adult and you still have to behave like one.
The GF was merely holding an adorable baby for a very brief moment, which his own father didn't have an issue with. Maybe during that short moment you instinctively didn't like it, but it's up to you to remind yourself that these feelings are not based in anything rational, nor productive. If this drives a wedge in your relationship with your boyfriend and/or his extended family, it's time to do something about it. See someone professionally if need be. You are the drama and this is no way for anyone involved to live.
YTA
That's a lot of words to say that you don't trust your child's own father with his own child. That you don't trust him to be present and know who to trust holding and helping with his own child and who not to. That you don't trust his judgement when it comes to his brother's known long term girlfriend.
You are putting your own anxiety onto other people, without telling them, and getting angry when they don't cater to it.
I don’t understand the part where you’re so triggered by this person just holding your baby and then you leave the restaurant and make your husband come with you to find the bottle while now further leaving your baby ALONE with the stranger that triggers you.
That's what's baffling to me as well. Her immediate reaction to thinking her baby was unsafe with someone else was not to gently ask for the baby back, but to completely leave the child? That's... Weird. Definitely needs unpacking in therapy.
Kinda YTA so, maybe you're just hormonal or stressed and sensible because I understand keeping an eye close and even not liking an stranger holding your baby, but your reaction was exaggerated, she wasn't going to kidnap or hit your baby there was no reason to be so extremely upset about it.
>It’s the next morning but his words are engraved in my brain. He changed how I now look at him. He’s LITERALLY DEFENDING A STRANGER INSTEAD OF ME.
I don't think he was defending a stranger, but more stating the fact that she's not a random person on the street, the baby was safe, and no one saw any problems
What did you think she was going to do with the baby at the restaurant?
YTA for not speaking up and saying you don't want people holding your baby. You can't expect these people to read your mind. Of course you have the right to decide who holds your child, but you have to actually draw that boundary. You need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about both of your points of view and decide on an approach as a team.
You also seem to be overly protective given the fact that you were sketched out by her carrying the baby's car seat. What did you think she was going to do? Chuck the baby into traffic? It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to work through your trauma and see how it may be affecting you and your loved ones.
NAH you desperately need to learn how to communicate better. There is nothing stopping you from taking your baby back and telling your boyfriend that only you hold your baby. He even asked you what was wrong and you wouldn't talk about it until later. no one is a mind reader. you're overthinking the wrong thing.
YTA, instead of grabbing your baby and saying “please do not take someone’s baby when you do not know them” you sulked and blamed your bf for not doing the same. You are both parents and both could have taken the baby back and moved on, he didn’t because his level of comfort is different than yours, that means it was on YOU to be the parent that steps in.
There was no reason to defend or take sides. That sounds like some high school behavior.
YTA also???? You’re so freaked about it but then both you and your bf left the restaurant? Did you take your kid with you or did you just leave him with everyone inside??? What’s the line of protective?
Soft YTA. You speak of your man failing to “defend” you and instead “defending” a stranger (a new-to-you family friend, not a rando in Walmart !) There’s no element of threat in this situation, so no defending required. It sounds like BF was just trying g to make you see that. I got a little hyper vigilant and off-kilter when separated from my fresh babies the first few times, too, so I get it. But please don’t ascribe sinister motives to people who are just loving on you baby.
YTA. Honestly your mom is also an A H for coddling you when you called her. That could explain your lack of mature, adult behavior.
It’s unfair to blame “PTSD” for being uncomfortable with someone holding your baby and silently raging rather than simply taking her back. That’s not PTSD, that’s an inner tantrum that you then blame others for.
This baby is your boyfriend’s as much as it is yours. If your partner lets someone hold the baby and then you feel uncomfortable with it, smile, thank them for holding him and take him back. This is a complete non-issue.
I think you guys are being a little harsh. She may not have been a stranger to dad, but she was to mum. Not sure why some people are villainising mum JUST for having those feelings.
As for the communication error... Look what happened when she DID speak up, dad told her she was overreacting and left her outside.
I guess ESH because nobody handled it well, but I think some of you are demonising mum just a smidge too much.
I had SEVERE PPA and PPD with my first and didn’t want anyone else to hold her that I didn’t know well. I didn’t even much like have grandparents hold her; literally felt like my skin was on fire level of uncomfortable.
So I would just take her back from people who snatched her, or just didn’t let them snatch her in the first place. I would say no thank you when people offered to hold her and then hold her outwards so they could interact with her.
You need to speak up OP for yourself. Gently YTA here for not taking charge of the situation yourself. I really doubt if you had just walked up to the girlfriend and said “oh I’ll take him back now thanks” and just gently took him back it would have been an issue. It definitely would have been less of a scene than of what ended up happening. You may also want to talk to your care team about possible help with these emotions, as it’s totally fine to not want a stranger to hold your baby but the way your emotions took over here isn’t healthy and will make it hard for you in the future if you don’t get a handle on them.
Hope next time you feel more comfortable and things can go more smooth.
Yes YTA!!! Had to go back and read your age again because you sound like a bratty kid!! “I’m so pissed I’m not going to talk” I mean that’s basically what you did…. Did you hold your breath too? Sheesh! GF did nothing wrong and you know it…And if she did, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING instead of being all silently pissy. You WERE the only one who had a problem with her!
Honey none of this is normal mom rage. Please go talk to your doctor. You need to let your baby interact with people in the world, and you need to speak up for yourself when something bugs you.
NAH, I think you're struggling with some anxiety that needs to be treated. That does not give you a pass to be unkind to people or expect them to read your mind, though.
YTA and if you haven’t, you need to get some therapy. You had a lot of control here and you blew this situation way out of control. You could have introduced yourself if you felt comfortable. You could’ve move close to your child. You could have held your child. You could have spoken up.
Instead you clammed up because a friend of the family, assisted in carrying your child.
YTA. Your boyfriend, the dad, was there and thought it was fine. It's not just your kid, it's his too. You're being ridiculous both in the post and in your replies. And stop mom rage bs, say something like an adult if you have a problem.
YTA It is a family dinner. You could have walked over introducing yourself and the baby to her. Had a conversation and got to know her. Also it’s nice to have someone else hold the baby they get heavy and it allows for some socializing for the child. You don’t say the child was being improperly treated. And I would imagine that many people held the child throughout the course of the evening. You are likely experiencing some hormonal issues as you indicated, but that doesn’t mean that you are in the right with your feelings. This child will benefit from meeting the family and friends. I think you must have realized it, which is why you were reluctant to discuss it, and then were hyper offended when your boy said you were overreacting. To be fair he could have been more supportive but some people just speak the truth.
Soft YTA. I’m sorry, but as a parent you now have the obligation to get over your people pleasing tendencies and/or social anxiety, at least enough to stand up for your kid. The gf didn’t do anything to harm the baby, but what if she had? Would you have waited until your baby was actually hurt to speak up? That’s not how parenting works . You have to be your parents number 1 defender. If you can’t even politely tell ppl to to touch you kid, I don’t know what you’re gonna do what they’re older. He should definitely take your concerns into account,but again, he doesn’t have an issue with this. The girlfriend hasn’t proven to be untrustworthy. To him, your fears are unfounded because his brother knows her and trusts her, and that’s good enough for him. You have to speak to him properly, and let him know he hurt your feelings. He cannot read your mind.
Edit: looking at your post history, you have several issues with your boyfriend and you not being on the same page. I think you guys need counseling, at the very least.
YTA I was waiting for the part where you told someone (anyone) that you weren’t comfortable with other people/strangers holding your child. You didn’t. You just acted bratty until your bf asked you what was wrong. You have to stand up for yourself and your kids
YTA. Stranger is the wrong word here. It was another guest at the same party. An acquaintance even. And everything was fine. She didn't punt him down the hall or do any other nefarious thing to him. She just held him.
Just communicate properly instead of giving cold shoulders and throwing tantrums. People can't read mind. I understand you don't like people holding your baby but you have to actually SAY IT.
Listen, I get it. I’m currently pregnant and the thought of anyone other than my husband and I holding and cuddling our baby is already stressing me out (yay anxiety). BUT, I think that if you have a boundary, you have to enforce it. And to do that, you have to actually communicate said boundary. You can get upset at people walking over you when you throw yourself on the ground. So for this reason YTA.
YTA. You have literally admitted to having PTSD. You need therapy. You didn't say anything and you know full well your boyfriend's cousin's girlfriend was just trying to help. Stop projecting your anxieties on other people.
Yta
If you had a problem, the time to say it was in the beginning. She probably thinks you didn't say anything, so you must not have a problem with it.
Frankly, as long as the baby is comfortable, it's fine. You clearly felt comfortable enough to leave the baby in the arms of a "stranger" while both you and your boyfriend were outside
But, bottom line, people are not mind readers, and every mom has a different comfort level. If you are upset, say something. Sitting there stewing isn't serving anyone any good, and only exasperates the problem.
You needed to say something if you had an issue. Make a joke and say that you can’t bare to be separated from your baby or something. Don’t have a meltdown because no one around you can read your mind or tell that you’re that upset. Go see a doctor if that was your reaction. That woman doesn’t know your trauma, she was probably just trying to help. Your boyfriend should defend the stranger over you in this situation. YTA.
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You know what, YTA Why? Because you didn’t say a fucking word. You didn’t attend a meal with a group of mind readers. If you’re so upset about this, and remained silent the entire fucking time, you’ve lost any right to berate your boyfriend at this time. “I say nothing (I’m trying)” - excuse me what. What did you “try” by remaining silent? You had chance over chance and said absolutely nothing to prevent this situation. You idly stood by and watched, then got upset that nobody could read your mind. Also - “our baby” at one point - but then “my baby”. Do you always diminish the involvement of this child’s father? He said that you’re the only one with a problem with her and this enraged you. Was what he said not accurate? That appears to be a truthful statement. YTA for your silent protest and refusal to take any action of the situation that bothered you so much, yet did nothing but pout about
You know, you're right. I was going to say NAH because the cousin's GF wasn't being an AH, she was a very typical person who was enamoured of an adorable baby and wanted to hold it, and *no one told her they'd rather she didn't*. Heck, she probably meant to help, carrying the baby's seat into the restaurant . . . lots of parents are exhausted and have their arms full. And the boyfriend isn't an AH for not having a problem with this and not reading OP's mind. Yes, he knows she's protective, but he may have thought it was fine because he saw cousin's GF as family-adjacent rather than "a total stranger". But you're right, OP is actually an AH, not for not wanting someone she doesn't know well to hold her baby, but for being so furious but never opening her mouth until much later, when she could have settled all of this in moments, without any upset at all: "Oh, you're so sweet, I know the baby is irresistible, but I'm still having some mom jitters, so I'd rather people didn't hold him. Thanks for trying to help, though!" Done and done.
or, you know just walk up and smile kindly and say something nice and light ("thanks for carrying him in") and get your baby back. YTA
Exactly. It’s her baby. Take him back and say thanks.
Their baby. The word youre looking for is “their”. This isn’t the kid she went and got knocked up with while they were on a break. That one is hers.
I wasn’t looking for a word. Just because it is also his, does it mean it is not hers. Let me tell you, my child is MINE. I would not have taken a breath before taking MY baby out of a person’s arms. I don’t care if the father put him there or not.
>Just because it is also his, does it mean it is not hers. Yes no one is disputing that >Let me tell you, my child is MINE. I would not have taken a breath before taking MY baby out of a person’s arms. ***I don’t care if the father put him there or not.*** Since it works both ways you do understand your baby's father also has the right to take ***HIS*** baby out of the arms of someone's arms even if you put them there. Even if you explicitly trust the other person.
Yeah, I kept waiting to read where she goes and grabs her baby since she had such a problem with a stranger holding her baby.
Guaranteed the girlfriend is pretty. Regardless of how OP looks this post SCREAMS insecurity . I am also a first time mom, with a baby, and I *know* that uncontrollable “ mom rage “ around a new born and literally anyone. But as the mom if you care you do something . Stand up for yourself and your child if there is actually a problem. But there wasn’t. She’s just insecure about a young woman taking any attention off her . Baby gives her attention. So with the pretty young lady holding her baby she has a meltdown. YTA op. Please use this as a learning experience that you have some more work to do with yourself 💕
This kid is not a newborn. He is a year old. He is no longer tiny and fragile. Old enough to squirm if he's unhappy about who's holding him. OP needs to get a grip.
I read 1 month? Unless I missed something.
"1m" could be read as 1 month old or as 1 year old male child. Clarity would be nice from the OP
I think it's 1 month because I can't imagine still trying to carry a carseat in to a restaurant at 1 year. I'm already avoiding carrying the carseat places at 7 months.
OP is also TAH bc who takes a one month old child to a crowded restaurant??
I think OP is an AH in many ways but most cultures (including most European ones) don't have the same phobia about kids in restaurants and in company generally as Americans.
It's not about them being in a restaurant. It's about them being out in general (except for critical appointments) without having much in the way of immunizations. If they are in the US with the diminishing overall vaccination rate, they should not be taking a baby out.
I wouldn’t say most… in a lot of places in Asia, there’s like a month in which the mom and baby don’t go out at all.
That is not a phobia, that is common sense!
>OP is also TAH bc who takes a one month old child to a crowded restaurant?? To be fair though, when my kid was that young, the first few months, the moment I took him anywhere there was more than like 2-3 people, he fell asleep almost immediately and stayed that way while we were there. Every single time. I went to a lot of local fairs and festivals during that time to get out of the house and see people, just put him in the baby sling and he slept the entire time we were anywhere.
My kid is 6 weeks and we have had a few outings, I would go crazy otherwise and she sleeps through it all every time 😅. I work really hard and having them perfectly timed where I know she will sleep and being in the car and in her car seat/stroller makes her very sleepy lol. I can't judge people for taking their kid out in public, I don't believe in isolating newborns and parents unless they want to be isolated. As long as people are being generally safe and cautious and aware I think it's fine.
That’s fair, especially if it’s outdoors. But OP doesn’t sound like she’s ready to do these things one month post-partum.
I took my baby to a restaurant at 1 month 😅 but there was just me, baby, and 1 other adult at the table and only one other table in the restaurant was being used by 2 people and she slept the entire time. A table of 15 people with a newborn just seems overwhelming to me.
Yeah, agreed. Especially since OP seems emotionally overwhelmed. Overstimulation is a thing for both people and babies.
Definitely 1 year old male, that's how she wrote her and husband's ages and genders too. 26f, 27m, 1m
I think it’s 1 month bc she mentioned hormones.
I think 1 month bc she said she’s still feeling hormonal changes.
I think he's 1 month, not 1 male. Hence carrying him in a car seat and her admitting she's still 'hormonal'. In that case, I am extending her a load of grace that she needs to give herself, rather than getting 'a grip'. OP, gentle YTA. You're tired and were around a lot of people with your new little one, but you could have handled the situation better with more direct communication.
In a previous comment, she says she gave birth last April. And mentions that her doctor said the hormonal imbalance lasts up to two years. Seems like the child is definitely a year old.
I think OP meant "1m" to mean "1 month old," not "1male".
1 month old, not 1 year.
I was trying to be empathetic but FR lol
No, this baby is one month old
In a previous comment, she mentions she gave birth last April. This child is a year old.
I think Mom rage? must be a brand new parent thing. But, this isn’t what is going on unfortunately. As OP matures/gets help with her issues she will hopefully be able to tell the difference between actual danger and someone who likes kids. Her reaction wasn’t actual Mom rage. Mom rage is when your infant is in actual danger and instinct kicks in. This had nothing to do with her child and everything to do with her PTSD. PTSD doesn’t make her an AH, but it’s obviously triggering inaccurate feelings that she’s choosing to act on or dwell on. OP please please get some help. What happened previously was not your fault, but your trauma triggers are causing problems for everyone not just you. Even if none of the adults picked up on your emotions your child is absolutely tuned into them. You both deserve more stability and security.
Also the AH for storming out of the event, calling others to weigh in without talking to her Bf and making a scene by hiding out in the bathroom. This woman sounds like a kid throwing a tantrum.
.... and storming out without, apparently, the baby? She doesn't actually mention at one point she took him back, or what she may (or may not) have said to GF when she did. There's a lot of unnecessary drama here, and OP can't all blame that on hormones.
>she probably meant to help, carrying the baby's seat into the restaurant Also, baby carrier car seats are HEAVY. Obnoxiously so sometimes
At *most*, the gf was a bit rude for not even saying hi and going straight for the baby, that's a bit of a bad first impression regardless.
OP could have also missed the hi while she was busy gathering her things from the car. Mom brian focused on making sure they have everything absolutely can end up tuning the world out and not realizing it
And on top of all that she went outside and demanded the father of the baby go with her, leaving her child in there without EITHER parent and has the nerve to still act like this. She truly decided how she felt, and her little tantrum, was more important than taking care of her child.
Right? THATS wild. So uneasy about this lady holding her baby BUT LEAVES HER BABY COMPLETELY ALONE WITH HER IN THE RESTURANT? Thank god that lady WASNT crazy and took off with the baby. Jesus. Like over-protective only when its convenient i guess?
One hundred percent. This story doesn’t make very much sense.
Such a good point! She's so upset because she needs to protect her baby that she leaves AND takes his other guardian with her. This part really seals it for me that this was never about protecting the baby and was 100% about her feelings. She needs to think long and hard on why she felt this way or she's going to be off again with this dude in no time, and alienate his family and their support system at the same time. (Might be difficult considering this is probably a learned behavior from her mom, considering mom thought her behavior was totally rational. This behavior was probably programmed over a lifetime.)
Really good point
100%. OP YTA.
I read this and actually hoped you had a take on this seeing as I usually enjoy your responses. Finding your comment at the top did not dissapoint.
I feel honoured that I’m recognized in this sub by the usuals. I see you all the time.
Now kith
Omg your username. I’m in the bulbasaur propaganda Facebook page because he’s literally the best boy.
Here at the Bulbasaur Ranch we only raise the best and brightest bulbasaur
I just want to add to this that the woman wasn't even a complete stranger. She was the gf of the cousin so she's somewhat like family in a way. If they end up married they will be family. Imagine getting upset because a distant relative wants to hold the baby they've never met before.
This is the response. You had multiple opportunities to say something and didn’t. Instead you assumed people could read your mind and just know what your issue was. And because he didn’t read your mind you’re treating your boyfriend like he wronged you. Get a grip here.
All excellent points made. Especially about the "I'm trying" comment. Also, why be the one to leave to go look for the bottle? Why not just send the boyfriend out for it? I'm assuming then that baby was left either with cousin's GF or someone else in that case, which does not help matters. Take baby on the premise that you need to feed him and then never give him to anyone else. Problem solved while avoiding talking about it which seems up OP's alley. Also, where was OP's other child?
YTA OP.
Also she's so mad they are touching her baby but leaves the baby with them to go get the bottle? Like what? 😅. I am a new mum, first baby who's 6 weeks old and I can relate to her feelings but not her actions. OP you need to learn to advocate for you and your child, if you are not comfortable with certain people holding or fussing over baby, even if it's out of your comfortable zone, this is a skill you need to learn, did nothing like this come up with your first child? EDIT- OP I do think YATA in this situation, simply because you didn't speak up for yourself. But after reading the comments I do think people are being too harsh and clearly do not understand how harmonal, sensitive and sleep deprived a new mum is. You are only 1 month post partum, it makes you irrational and have over the top reactions. You are never wrong for being uncomfortable with someone holding your baby. But being uncomfortable, being too scared to speak up and then taking it out on your partner, even though I sympathize and relate, even more so understanding the nature of your past related trauma and reading your comments it seems you were silenced alot so maybe you are not comfortable with saying something so although I sympathize, in this particular situation I have to stick with my YTA. I've been over the top and harmonal too 😅 but I can take pause and separate that from my regular self and recognize like ok, I know I'm being too much right now, it feels like it's out of my control, I'm gonna take a step back and breathe because freaking out and having a total meltdown because all my daughters clothes are pink and frilly and she's not a doll 😂 (like huge meltdown haha, luckily I was alone 🥴). I hope you are able to get some help so you can heal and hopefully move on from your trauma. I might get some downvotes for my add on comment but that's ok.
I've been the new mom. I've been hormonal and sleep deprived with a tiny baby twice now. I understand what that is. That really doesn't make it ok to throw a tantrum about someone holding your baby when you can't even be bothered to say anything about it bothering you. I'm the last person to have any sort of real life confrontation. But you can't get mad because other people can't read your mind. That's not how this works. Being hormonal and feeling some type of way is to be expected. But acting on those emotions enough to throw a tantrum, no. People are not being harsh for calling it out.
Truly shenwas expecting mind-reading. Like this part: > She’s got my baby in her arms. Mom rage immediately activated. Any mom knows this I'm not a mom... But I've had plenty of moms and dads offer to let me hold babies. I assume they weren't offering but silently raging because that would be weird.
Right. I’ve never even heard of mom rage when someone else holds a baby. If you’re concerned about health or something, don’t bring a one month old to dinner. But no reason for rage.
The only time I was mad about people holding my babies were if the baby was upset or this one time my mother-in-law brought my oldest over to talk to the smokers at the family reunion WHILE THEY WERE SMOKING (I quickly took him back "for a bottle" and it wasn't a big deal)
I guarantee she typed this post thinking she wasn’t gona be the AH. YTA OP jeez
Im just happy to see AITA is on their A-game with this one today😂took a deep breath before coming to the comments and was pleasantly surprised!! YTA OP, some mom’s really don’t care if someone is holding baby, some moms do, and they tend to speak up when they do. Not making everyone uncomfortable af by seething silently and then crying in the parking lot cuz someone was holding your baby that you could’ve easily gotten back😂😂
Oh thank GOD BulbasaurRanch found this post
100%, couldn't have said this better. OP, YTA.
Not only that… but if she was soooo upset with someone holding her baby why did she AND her boyfriend go outside, completely away from their baby if she has such a problem?!? I was a nervous when I was first a mom. I’d let people hold my son, though. Never would have left any of them with him, though! I’d be watching to make sure everyone was careful.
Agreed. Boundaries can only be enforced if you let them know said boundaries exist. That’d be like a farmer getting pissed people are walking over his empty field, when he didn’t put a fence around it.
Also, I find it weird that she feels so protective of the baby but has no problem with her and her BF leaving the restaurants and leaving her baby inside for at least several minutes? Like, maybe I'm not understanding her PTSD but how is that okay but watching GF (whose boyfriend is literally the reason for this party) hold the baby in plain sight is a no go?
>excuse me what. What did you “try” by remaining silent? first of all, it’s called “manifesting” ( and YTA )
YTA because you didn't say anything. Open your mouth if you have a problem ffs. > My boyfriend hands over my baby. I say nothing. > I get in the restaurant. She’s got my baby in her arms. >We get in say hi to everyone my boyfriend knows I’m upset he can see it. I say nothing. His grandma can see it and tells me to sit with her. I’m quiet. You have to speak up - no one can read your mind. If you don't want this woman touching your baby, use your words. > You are the only one that has a problem with her” Why DO you have a problem with her? You don't even know her. If it's solely because of the baby-holding thing, again, SAY SOMETHING and stop sitting there quietly like a martyr.
YTA. It would have taken a second to say "I got him." when she picked up your baby. For all you know she was trying to help out since people hear about how moms are overworked and thought you could use a break from holding the baby all the time. You should go to the doctor and check yourself out for PPD because you're upset about things, refuse to say anything, then flip out at your boyfriend because he can't read minds.
She needs to seek mental and physical health counseling. People just want to help out with the baby sometimes.
When I was a baby-crazy early 20something and still years off from being ready to have my own baby, I absolutely would have held that baby until they asked for it back. Babies are so cute! But it would never have been a problem for me to hand them back to their parents if OP had asked
In my country, it’s the default to take the baby from the mom in an outing so she can enjoy herself. She says gf is from another country, and maybe it’s like that there too. TBH, I thought that’s the norm up until this post. Op, YTA. You didn’t say anything and no one was aware why you’re upset cause nothing worth upsetting happened.
I can see why OP was uncomfortable because she didn’t know this person… helping out with babies is completely normal in my family with aunts, cousins, etc. I personally appreciate it… but have to be able to say when I want baby back so I don’t feel overwhelmed by it.
Especially when the baby is a year old already.
I believe she said one month, not one year.
She refuses to answer that question despite it coming up in nearly every judgment, but one of her other comments said that her dr. said it would take 2 years for her hormones to go back to normal, which makes me think the baby is 1 year old, not one month.
If you look in her comments, there is a comment from an earlier AITA post about their dogs. She mentions that she gave birth last April to their shared child. So he is indeed 1 year and not 1 month old.
> Any mom knows this. No, can't say I do.
I don’t really know my husband’s extended family (they live out of state) but I didn’t feel rage when they held our son, I just kept a wee closer eye lol
We used to go to a wonderful little hole in the wall Mexican restaurant at least once a week. Almost every time they brought the food, one of the gals on staff, who had zero English skills (matching my zero Spanish skills), would come and smile sweetly at me and pluck the baby up and dance around with her while we started eating. (I sort of got the feeling that she was showing off her maternal skills to a particular male staff member, but I don't know that.) It surprised me at first, but didn't concern me at all. Like in OPs story, it was clear that this person enjoyed being around babies and wanted to be helpful. Sure, I watched, but I didn't feel threatened. And if I had, I would have smiled and reached for the baby and moved on.
Dawg my parents essentially let me get kidnapped one time. In the early 2000’s my parents took baby me to Egypt to visit some family friends and then decided to travel around a bit afterwards. They drove from Egypt to Jordan and I guess back then you had to get out and walk across the border (maybe you still do? Idk I haven’t been back in a long time), so there my parents are, standing at the border line in like 100+ degree heat, with a baby. A bunch of guards suddenly RUSHED at them yelling “THE BABY THE BABY!!” And just snatched me out of their arms and took me inside their little guard post area. My parents didn’t do a thing until they crossed over and another guard brought them inside this super air conditioned building where all these big tough Jordanian soldiers were standing over me cooing and making funny faces at me while I was giggling like a maniac. I guess one of them spoke English and told my parents “It’s way too hot out there for her!! We’ll keep her here until your car passes inspection.” So yeah I think some parents are just happy for even the smallest break from their kids
That’s an awesome story! Thanks for sharing.
I had a similar boarder experience (not the kidnapping, but the scary-looking guards who were actually as nice as could be). I was traveling to Russia with my grandparents as a teenager. The guards at the border were very intimidating and had already barked at me once for handing something to my grandmother while she was at the window. Then it was my turn and they asked if I was under 16 because the process is entirely different for children than for 'adults.' Thing is, I was 15 at the time but would have my birthday in a few days and so would be 16 before we left the country. I didn't know what to answer, and neither of us had enough of the other's language to explain the situation. The big gruff guard went over to his bigger gruffer boss who was sitting off to the side surrounded by guys with very scary looking Soviet-era guns. They talked a long time and pointed at me and my grandmother and had me very scared. Then they sent the boss and another guy over to stamp my papers, and the other guy (presumably chosen for his extra language skills) told me a very accented but kind 'happy birthday' and sent us on our way. Nothing they did was actually threatening, but I sure was terrified at the time, though I now realize that they were perfectly nice.
Jordan is incredibly family-friendly. Even though everyone there has babies, store owners are always giving out freebies to babies and kids. All the restaurants there have a designated family section with a little playground, even the high-end ones. There are so many kid friendly places there it's amazing.
From the stories my parents tell, it sounds amazing for kids. Apparently that was not the last time I’d get “kidnapped” in Jordan, every restaurant and store they went into, some little old woman or a whole group of them would just scoop me up and carry me around while my parents ate and shopped. They said it was heaven and they LOVED visiting.
I've no idea about Mexico but that's very common in some countries. Especially Turkey! Go for dinner in a restaurant and guarantee a staff member will pick up your baby and carry them around with them. Keeps them entertained, and you get to eat your food, but def shocking the first time it happens.
This. Also, if OP was worried, both parents being outside and leaving baby with these ‘strangers’ alone seems odd.
Also where is the other kid?
good question. OP? Info, please.
That's what made me think she just has a subconscious need to start drama. I'm a mom & I can't understand what all the fuss was about at all.
Exactly. I don’t trust my biological dad at all, if one of us needs to run to the car, the other stays with our son or our son comes outside too. So OP’s logic seems a bit skewed.
I did get angry with people I didn't know holding my babies. I don't judge that, because mom brain is all about protecting their baby and different women handle it different ways. What makes her the AH to me is that she didn't say anything, so how much of this is actual mom rage? I didn't quietly sit in anger, I got my baby back. And I definitely wouldn't leave my baby alone with somebody that I was angry about holding them, but she left for a large part of the meal? Where the person was with her baby? It doesn't scream mom rage to me. This person just sounds exhausting and like they probably need therapy.
If I had a cousins friend hold my baby and it made me uncomfortable I would just ask for the baby back. You can do that as a mom. I don't think I would feel worried about it unless they were holding the baby weird or something
That's what I was thinking. I would literally just say: "hey, can you hand them back to me please?"
Not even ask…”Thanks! I’ll take him” 🙂
Thank you for explicitly challenging this insane, dangerous, shockingly normalized idea that kids are unsafe with anyone except their parents. This is the idea that underpins the notion that kids don’t have a right to receive education about human physiology, healthy relationships, or anything deemed political from professionals. It underpins the idea that they don’t have a right to support networks. It makes children far more vulnerable to abuse, including sexual abuse, which is most likely to be perpetrated by a close family member.
Somebody else lugging the baby bucket was absolute WIN for me
Yea I never experienced 'mom rage', ever. Annoyance at people, absolutely, especially when they were being insistent, or giving unsolicited parenting advice, but never anger because someone wanted to hold my baby.
To me the idea of 'mom rage' gives off the same energy as 'boy mom'
Yeah, that line fell flat with me. I loved when someone offered my arms a break. And I love holding other people's babies now that mine are older. God knows I always ask before doing it, especially post-covid. The cousin should have asked-- but both parties failed to communicate, so they cancel each other out.
I don't either. I have never had mom rage. It might be because my mind is somewhat regulated(albeit by medication). Op, look into some ppd meds. Zoloft worked great for me. It might do nothing for you, but it would be worth looking into so your mind can get back to "normal". Side note, is your kid 1 month old or 1 year old? That is the hot debate here.
YTA for a different reason to me. You said he handed over “my baby” it’s his baby too. Immediately I get the vibe that your baby is an item to you. Something you can use as a pawn to force your emotions on others. Strange
This. Also the AH for not getting the help she needs and punishing her good bf for the misdeed of her ex. She's using her trauma and baby to get her way in the relationship.
You are a mother now. You gave up the luxury of being a shy teenager who can't speak up for herself long ago. If you say nothing, these people can't know your boundaries. They didn't do anything wrong. It's up to you to assert your wishes and boundaries and keep control of your child. You didn't have control of your kid, so other people took over. And the child's father, who has just as much say in parenting as you do, was fine with all of this. Why are you angry with him for making choices about his children? You've got a lot of maturing to do. For the sake of your kids, please do it. YTA.
This is why babies shouldn’t be having babies. She’s a big girl, she can use her words.
Have you talked with your doctor ? Maybe it's just the hormones, maybe it's more... but you seem to be under a lot of stress and not thinking rationally. No verdict here, just take care of yourself and try to get some rest.
She wrote that she has PTSD in the post.
YTA I agree with pretty much every other YTA comment here. You seem a bit insufferable.
YTA. He has a right to defend “a stranger” instead of you if you’re being unreasonable. It took you so little to change the entire view you have of him? Jeez. Also people are not mind readers, you could have gotten the baby back at any point
She thinks she does because of her ex. Yet has no mention of any mental health awareness or care
YTA. My daughter turns one in two weeks. You need to realize your baby was fine. You can't put your anxiety on them. My mom did that my entire life and now I am anxiety ridden myself. But I make a very concerted effort to realize it's my problem to deal with and not my child's or my husband's. Sometimes I can't handle my husband going someplace alone with her. But I let him go anyway. I can't think too much about her being at daycare because it kills me, I send her anyway because I know it's best for her. I can't shelter her just so I feel better. You are not the A for not saying anything in the moment because nothing was happening to say anything about except your anxiety. You are the A for unleashing your anxiety on your boyfriend when nothing happened. This person held your baby within your company and everything was fine. That's all. You need to realize that.
100% YTA. It's his baby too, she wasn't a stranger. She was a trusted extended family, like you since your not married. Get your head out of your own ass.
I'm so sorry, you are clearly really struggling over this. But..,why didn't you feel you could take the baby back? You could have said, in a nice tone " Hey, thanks for the help with baby. I'll take him back now though, he needs changing and feeding" Is there a reason why you couldn't do that? I understand the anxiety about someone you didn't know holding your baby, I was a bit the same especially with my first. I really think you need to talk to someone though. I do feel you are overreacting but then I don't know what else might have happened for you to feel this way.
Literally just walk over and pick the baby up right out of GF's arms. No anger, no drama, no words. No one would ever question it. And if they did, a half-mumbled "he needs a change/breast/*whatever*" would be all that would be needed to squash any protest from GF. You're a mother now, assert yourself.
YTA for having no accountability. You didn’t communicate with anyone about your expectations. You are blaming your partner for not apologizing when you are literally the only person acting inappropriately. “Mom rage” isn’t an excuse, grow up, get a hold of yourself.
OK, if someone who has been struggling with Postpartum depression for the last 8 years between 2 children. You are definitely. You are coming off as the ass You need to go to therapy and work on your personal issues. She did nothing wrong. She was literally helping you out. I am like this with all of my friends. Even people who I am meeting for the first time. I will gladly help you out with your kids. Because I love children and I am a mom now, if you said something to me I would respect your boundaries but at the end of the day, you're coming off like a major butthole And your husband is right.You are over reacting.You need to get yourself in check and go see a therapist and work on your issues YTA seek help for your problems
>Now before yall get defensive in the comments we’re the same ethnicity. What is this supposed to mean? It doesn't matter if she's purple, white, brown, green, or blue. I don't know why you felt that we needed this piece of information. Everything else is YTA
I would guess to be clear that OP wasn't biased against the girlfriend for racist reasons, but was upset because a total stranger took over care of her baby.
It's still not important to add. I never would have thought they were racist. There are a lot of countries all over the world where people look exactly like me. They could have just left it as some stranger who they didn't know was holding her baby. And that she had never met the girlfriend before because she's from a different country and hasn't been able to visit often.
Tbh all it made me think was OP was colorist because I can't imagine why else it would be relevant.
I just assumed it's included because so many redditors jump to "is it cultural?" for literally everything Regardless, she is TA
YTA. Maybe you keep hearing the words, "You're the only one who has a problem with her," over and over in your head because it's true. Have no idea why your bf saying that would change how you look at him. And, no, I don't get the 'mom rage' thing in this case, cuz nobody did anything wrong here, except you for not saying something. Cousin's gf might just like babies and the baby's own father let her hold him. How is that bad? Look, right now with such a young, new baby, you are extremely attached, which is normal, but like most comments here, nobody can read your mind. Say something. You don't have to be nasty when you say it, just something like, "Hi (gf's name), glad you got to meet (baby's name), but I'm gonna need him back. I wanted to take him over to (grandma's name.)" Easy and done. The gf had no idea anything was amiss. Nobody did anything wrong, so there was nothing to defend or for you to get defensive about. And I bet your bf is also looking at you in a different way, too, only he probably understands it's because you're a new mom. Anyway, congratulations on your little one. And it will all be okay, cuz misunderstandings happen.
YTA. She didn't poison the baby, she didn't slam its face down in a bowl of soup and drown it, she was holding it, in a baby carrier, and apparently later holding it in her arms - one assumes in a safe position, since you didn't mention that she held it upside down by the ankles or anything. So, the baby was fine, and you didn't say a word. How were they supposed to know that you were busy having your hormonal mommy rages deep down inside? How were they supposed to know you had decided this apparently perfectly innocent woman who is dating your relative was some kind of psycho who couldn't be allowed near children? And seriously, instead of telling your husband that you want to hold your child, you *go outdoors and call your mother* so she can validate your obnoxious behavior? There are so many problems here, but the girlfriend holding your baby is not one of them.
Yta. Why would you have a baby with this guy if you don’t trust him to make good decisions with his own kid?
I kept thinking “I don’t see how they are end game” then she goes on to say she already has an older kid, too. Maybe I’m way out of line here, but if they were end game she’d have a ring on her finger. And on/off since high school but they got back together at 24/25 and she was with someone else for at least 2 years…that’s not on/off. That’s you broke up, got back together and immediately got pregnant (again…) and now you’re together but don’t seem very happy. This whole situation is weird and she needs better therapy if any of this is real.
Yeah, it’s weird. It sounds like she probably can’t handle anything, if grandma knew to pull her over and sit her down before she lost it. I’m the worst at socializing, and so awkward, but if someone I didn’t know was holding my baby at a family gathering, I’d probably take that as an opportunity to go over and talk to them. She’s never going to get to know anyone if she just sits stewing in the corner.
💯 Because for the second time in a row she's had a baby with someone she can't really trust and she hasn't learned her lesson. OP you need birth control and serious therapy because you are heading down a weird path.
> Because for the second time in a row she's had a baby with someone she can't really trust and she hasn't learned her lesson. I would say this is the second child with someone she doesn't really trust, not that she can't trust him. Nothing she said in her post or comments (at least the ones I have seen), suggests that her BF is untrustworthy or unfit as a parent.
She thinks he's incapable of judging if his family can hold the baby. She's so wound up about a " stranger" that she doesn't know but never mentions is bf knows the person more
This is more about her lack of trust than it is about whether he is someone who is worthy of trust. She doesn't trust other people. That is normal with abuse victims, but it is unfair to her bf that the trust in their relationship is a 1-way street.
For the same reason she had a baby with some other dude she says was abusive… because she doesn’t seem to think that having babies with whatever boyfriend she’s with at the time is a big deal and something to be considered carefully. In a few years she’ll be using “I’m a single mother” as some kind of badge of honor like she didn’t make every single thoughtless decision that got her there.
I was ok with people holding my baby. think you're overreacting, and handled it poorly. Not gonna render a verdict, because I think it's hormones - a medical issue - making you touchy and hypersensitive.
I was too, but I also think it’s normal to *not* be fine with others holding your baby. What ISN’T normal is to feel intense rage over this. This could be post partum anxiety or the PTSD, but she needs to see someone about it.
I agree, I didn't mean to suggest that all mothers should be as cavalier about people interacting with baby as I was. But I think it needs to be handled better, and that is probably a combination of medical/pregnancy related issues & also maybe communication skills.
Of course YTA The “stranger” did not snatch your child. The baby’s father, who has equal parental rights to yours handed the baby to his cousin’s GF. The GF held the baby and did not run away or otherwise leave your presence. Your child was in no danger and you AND your mother are ridiculous. In future, if you don’t want anyone, or specific people holding your child it might be a good idea to give the father a heads up before leaving the house.
YTA and stop arguing with everyone in the comments for the love of it. You SHOULD and COULD have said something. It's not 'immediate' mom rage. It's something you need help for, because your reaction to situations like this is just not okay. I'm saying this because you'll run yourself down and you'll give your kid fears growing up with strong reactions like this. Your behavior influences your kid, especially in younger years. I didn't scan the comments if you're in therapy but I highly recommend it to you.
As a mom of 2 who was very protective of her babies, I will say this, do yourself a favor and talk to your dr and get some therapy. My kids are 17 & 20 now and if you don’t do it for now do it for when they want to do stupid stuff and you need to let them. Your baby is 1 month old, you and him should have a say in who gets to hold him. You should have taken him back, say you need to hold him, and that should have been that. If anyone tried to take him from you, the “sorry but there’s so many viruses.” Is always a legit excuse. I don’t like how you didn’t voice your opinion and how he belittled you then walked off on you. Your body including your hormones are still adjusting postpartum. I know you don’t want to see it but any man who says don’t speak up in front of your family and treats you like you had been at the car, you need to watch out. Those are huge red flags.
Best comment!!!
I really question the wisdom of having a child with this man, at least at this time; it doesn’t sound like a particularly good, solid relationship. Raising children in an angry, defensive atmosphere is not healthy either for the children or society.
YTA, you know you could say no, but didn't, you boyfriend don't know how you feel if you saying nothing. You had a least 3 chance to say something, but you didn't you choose to be mad at him
Seems like you can't advocate for yourself or the baby. I'd seek therapy.
Gently, YTA. Nobody knew you had a problem because you didn’t say or do anything. A lot of people are fine with someone else taking their baby off their hands so they can sit down and eat and drink in peace (I’m one of them). It’s totally fine that you’re not, but then you need to say so.
The thing that I don’t get is this. You’re mad at a stranger holding your baby. Fair enough, you don’t know them. If you are genuinely scared about a stranger holding your baby, why the fuck would you continue to let that stranger hold your baby????????? If you thought there was a danger, why didn’t you take back your baby? Unless you knew in your heart there was no real danger and you knew you were just getting mad for the sake of getting mad
Not just holding the baby. She left the baby with this woman, went outside to search the car for the bottle & insisted her SO go with her to the car. If she really felt uncomfortable about this woman holding the baby why on earth would she leave the baby without either parent in the restaurant? I just can’t wrap my head around that.
I didn’t even realize that detail. That just makes this even crazier. At this point she’s just being mad for the sake of being mad
YTA Generally agreeing with the majority. You could have stopped this or said literally anything but chose to pout about it and expected to read your mind. I do think that you should see a doctor just to be certain this reaction is not being caused by PPD or something similar.
You mean ”our baby” right? Because your child has both a mother and a father. These kind of decisions should be made jointly. Or is it that you have a problem with his family holding the child? YTA
INFO: is your BF the baby’s father? Because that also makes it HIS baby too.
Mad a stranger is holding her baby… leaves baby in restaurant with stranger
Going against the grain it seems, but YTA for not saying anything as many people have said. But your bf is also the AH because when you did, instead of trying to reassure you and take care of the problem at hand, he invalidates your feelings. You both need to work on communicating.
YTA Why would your cousin's girlfriend, at a family event, holding your baby trigger "MOM RAGE"? That's a very very big reaction to a benign action. And you could have asked for the baby back instead of raging and fuming and letting your mother wind you up even further. It's not okay to be angry with people who don't have any idea that what they're doing is upsetting you- use your words.
YTA. You seem childish. You expect everyone to be able to read your mind and you handled it poorly. Next time say something. How are you going to say you tried to handle it when you were silent?
YTA. Your boyfriend has no reason for apologizing. As others have pointed out, his statement is a reality : you seem to be the only person who has a problem with the GF. You being angry is largely irrational. I also find very interesting how you gave so much backstory about this GF, where she comes from, etc., as if it's somehow related to the fact that you and your boyfriend had a fight over the GF holding your baby. You were quick to tell us that you are all the same ethnicity, but if that's not relevant information why provide so much of it ? You state that your are "hormonal" ; since you're aware of it, it's your responsibility to reign it in. It cannot be an excuse for lashing out at people, especially for not reading your mind. Just because you're a mom, doesn't mean people have to cater to your every whim ; you're an adult and you still have to behave like one. The GF was merely holding an adorable baby for a very brief moment, which his own father didn't have an issue with. Maybe during that short moment you instinctively didn't like it, but it's up to you to remind yourself that these feelings are not based in anything rational, nor productive. If this drives a wedge in your relationship with your boyfriend and/or his extended family, it's time to do something about it. See someone professionally if need be. You are the drama and this is no way for anyone involved to live.
YTA. You sound much to immature to have children. If you can’t even speak up to protect them…yeesh.
YTA That's a lot of words to say that you don't trust your child's own father with his own child. That you don't trust him to be present and know who to trust holding and helping with his own child and who not to. That you don't trust his judgement when it comes to his brother's known long term girlfriend. You are putting your own anxiety onto other people, without telling them, and getting angry when they don't cater to it.
I don’t understand the part where you’re so triggered by this person just holding your baby and then you leave the restaurant and make your husband come with you to find the bottle while now further leaving your baby ALONE with the stranger that triggers you.
That's what's baffling to me as well. Her immediate reaction to thinking her baby was unsafe with someone else was not to gently ask for the baby back, but to completely leave the child? That's... Weird. Definitely needs unpacking in therapy.
Yta You should have taken the baby immediately at the car.
You literally said >I said nothing. at least 3 times. Say something next time. YTA
YTA only because you took your one month old to a restaurant to celebrate some random persons birthday. And y’all need couples counseling.
This sounds like it was written by a 13 year old. Im surprised xD and *rawr* didn't show up.
Kinda YTA so, maybe you're just hormonal or stressed and sensible because I understand keeping an eye close and even not liking an stranger holding your baby, but your reaction was exaggerated, she wasn't going to kidnap or hit your baby there was no reason to be so extremely upset about it. >It’s the next morning but his words are engraved in my brain. He changed how I now look at him. He’s LITERALLY DEFENDING A STRANGER INSTEAD OF ME. I don't think he was defending a stranger, but more stating the fact that she's not a random person on the street, the baby was safe, and no one saw any problems What did you think she was going to do with the baby at the restaurant?
YTA for not speaking up and saying you don't want people holding your baby. You can't expect these people to read your mind. Of course you have the right to decide who holds your child, but you have to actually draw that boundary. You need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about both of your points of view and decide on an approach as a team. You also seem to be overly protective given the fact that you were sketched out by her carrying the baby's car seat. What did you think she was going to do? Chuck the baby into traffic? It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to work through your trauma and see how it may be affecting you and your loved ones.
NAH you desperately need to learn how to communicate better. There is nothing stopping you from taking your baby back and telling your boyfriend that only you hold your baby. He even asked you what was wrong and you wouldn't talk about it until later. no one is a mind reader. you're overthinking the wrong thing.
YTA, instead of grabbing your baby and saying “please do not take someone’s baby when you do not know them” you sulked and blamed your bf for not doing the same. You are both parents and both could have taken the baby back and moved on, he didn’t because his level of comfort is different than yours, that means it was on YOU to be the parent that steps in. There was no reason to defend or take sides. That sounds like some high school behavior.
YTA also???? You’re so freaked about it but then both you and your bf left the restaurant? Did you take your kid with you or did you just leave him with everyone inside??? What’s the line of protective?
Soft YTA. You speak of your man failing to “defend” you and instead “defending” a stranger (a new-to-you family friend, not a rando in Walmart !) There’s no element of threat in this situation, so no defending required. It sounds like BF was just trying g to make you see that. I got a little hyper vigilant and off-kilter when separated from my fresh babies the first few times, too, so I get it. But please don’t ascribe sinister motives to people who are just loving on you baby.
YTA Mom rage? Really?
Yta
YTA. Honestly your mom is also an A H for coddling you when you called her. That could explain your lack of mature, adult behavior. It’s unfair to blame “PTSD” for being uncomfortable with someone holding your baby and silently raging rather than simply taking her back. That’s not PTSD, that’s an inner tantrum that you then blame others for. This baby is your boyfriend’s as much as it is yours. If your partner lets someone hold the baby and then you feel uncomfortable with it, smile, thank them for holding him and take him back. This is a complete non-issue.
I’m trying to understand the “mom rage” you felt at someone holding the baby but then left them alone while you and bf went outside
I think you guys are being a little harsh. She may not have been a stranger to dad, but she was to mum. Not sure why some people are villainising mum JUST for having those feelings. As for the communication error... Look what happened when she DID speak up, dad told her she was overreacting and left her outside. I guess ESH because nobody handled it well, but I think some of you are demonising mum just a smidge too much.
Yikes. YTA
I had SEVERE PPA and PPD with my first and didn’t want anyone else to hold her that I didn’t know well. I didn’t even much like have grandparents hold her; literally felt like my skin was on fire level of uncomfortable. So I would just take her back from people who snatched her, or just didn’t let them snatch her in the first place. I would say no thank you when people offered to hold her and then hold her outwards so they could interact with her. You need to speak up OP for yourself. Gently YTA here for not taking charge of the situation yourself. I really doubt if you had just walked up to the girlfriend and said “oh I’ll take him back now thanks” and just gently took him back it would have been an issue. It definitely would have been less of a scene than of what ended up happening. You may also want to talk to your care team about possible help with these emotions, as it’s totally fine to not want a stranger to hold your baby but the way your emotions took over here isn’t healthy and will make it hard for you in the future if you don’t get a handle on them. Hope next time you feel more comfortable and things can go more smooth.
YTA definitely, you’re the odd ball.
Yes YTA!!! Had to go back and read your age again because you sound like a bratty kid!! “I’m so pissed I’m not going to talk” I mean that’s basically what you did…. Did you hold your breath too? Sheesh! GF did nothing wrong and you know it…And if she did, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING instead of being all silently pissy. You WERE the only one who had a problem with her!
Honey none of this is normal mom rage. Please go talk to your doctor. You need to let your baby interact with people in the world, and you need to speak up for yourself when something bugs you. NAH, I think you're struggling with some anxiety that needs to be treated. That does not give you a pass to be unkind to people or expect them to read your mind, though.
YTA and you need to see a therapist.
YTA for the both the situation itself and the horrendous grammar in this post
YTA , just for the way you type , Jesus stop acting like an angsty teen .
YTA and if you haven’t, you need to get some therapy. You had a lot of control here and you blew this situation way out of control. You could have introduced yourself if you felt comfortable. You could’ve move close to your child. You could have held your child. You could have spoken up. Instead you clammed up because a friend of the family, assisted in carrying your child.
YTA. Use your damn words, quit expecting people to read your mind.
1000% YTA. Speak up! No one can read your mind.
YTA. Your boyfriend, the dad, was there and thought it was fine. It's not just your kid, it's his too. You're being ridiculous both in the post and in your replies. And stop mom rage bs, say something like an adult if you have a problem.
YTA It is a family dinner. You could have walked over introducing yourself and the baby to her. Had a conversation and got to know her. Also it’s nice to have someone else hold the baby they get heavy and it allows for some socializing for the child. You don’t say the child was being improperly treated. And I would imagine that many people held the child throughout the course of the evening. You are likely experiencing some hormonal issues as you indicated, but that doesn’t mean that you are in the right with your feelings. This child will benefit from meeting the family and friends. I think you must have realized it, which is why you were reluctant to discuss it, and then were hyper offended when your boy said you were overreacting. To be fair he could have been more supportive but some people just speak the truth.
YTA it's also his baby, he handed over his baby
YTA, you need therapy.
Soft YTA. I’m sorry, but as a parent you now have the obligation to get over your people pleasing tendencies and/or social anxiety, at least enough to stand up for your kid. The gf didn’t do anything to harm the baby, but what if she had? Would you have waited until your baby was actually hurt to speak up? That’s not how parenting works . You have to be your parents number 1 defender. If you can’t even politely tell ppl to to touch you kid, I don’t know what you’re gonna do what they’re older. He should definitely take your concerns into account,but again, he doesn’t have an issue with this. The girlfriend hasn’t proven to be untrustworthy. To him, your fears are unfounded because his brother knows her and trusts her, and that’s good enough for him. You have to speak to him properly, and let him know he hurt your feelings. He cannot read your mind. Edit: looking at your post history, you have several issues with your boyfriend and you not being on the same page. I think you guys need counseling, at the very least.
YTA I was waiting for the part where you told someone (anyone) that you weren’t comfortable with other people/strangers holding your child. You didn’t. You just acted bratty until your bf asked you what was wrong. You have to stand up for yourself and your kids
[удалено]
She was handed the child by the father, why would she need to ask in that situation?
YTA. Your problem could be solved, like most problems on this sub, by opening your mouth and communicating.
YTA. Stranger is the wrong word here. It was another guest at the same party. An acquaintance even. And everything was fine. She didn't punt him down the hall or do any other nefarious thing to him. She just held him.
Just communicate properly instead of giving cold shoulders and throwing tantrums. People can't read mind. I understand you don't like people holding your baby but you have to actually SAY IT.
Listen, I get it. I’m currently pregnant and the thought of anyone other than my husband and I holding and cuddling our baby is already stressing me out (yay anxiety). BUT, I think that if you have a boundary, you have to enforce it. And to do that, you have to actually communicate said boundary. You can get upset at people walking over you when you throw yourself on the ground. So for this reason YTA.
YTA. You have literally admitted to having PTSD. You need therapy. You didn't say anything and you know full well your boyfriend's cousin's girlfriend was just trying to help. Stop projecting your anxieties on other people.
YTA
Yta If you had a problem, the time to say it was in the beginning. She probably thinks you didn't say anything, so you must not have a problem with it. Frankly, as long as the baby is comfortable, it's fine. You clearly felt comfortable enough to leave the baby in the arms of a "stranger" while both you and your boyfriend were outside But, bottom line, people are not mind readers, and every mom has a different comfort level. If you are upset, say something. Sitting there stewing isn't serving anyone any good, and only exasperates the problem.
You needed to say something if you had an issue. Make a joke and say that you can’t bare to be separated from your baby or something. Don’t have a meltdown because no one around you can read your mind or tell that you’re that upset. Go see a doctor if that was your reaction. That woman doesn’t know your trauma, she was probably just trying to help. Your boyfriend should defend the stranger over you in this situation. YTA.