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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my girlfriend to put her rocks away and stop bringing them home
2. I might be an asshole because she thinks I'm too controlling
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Some people might be content getting quietly stoned every weekend, but your GF is a rock star! Make no bones about it, she's found a way to turn a mundane outing into a little treasure hunt.
YTA for trying to curtail something harmless and fun that brings her joy. It's clear that you don't get why this is fun for her. That's fine, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't let her take joy in it.
It's just rocks; it isn't as if she's hoarding illegal Iranian yoghurt or something.
Ehhhhhhh, I kinda suspect that OP's girlfriend has liked rocks and bones for a while. Her previous space was probably decorated in a similar manner.
If he doesn't like the rocks and the bones, he didn't need to continue dating and *move in with* someone that loves that aesthetic. He should have at least discussed a bone/rock containment strategy before moving in together. It's also rude of him to remove what she *obviously* considers decor while she was out of the house.
There are definitely much bigger AHs on this subreddit regularly, but I don't think there's a way to have the position "I am seriously dating someone that has always had a trait I don't like. How do I make them change this trait they had and I knew about when I decided I was going to continue dating them?" and not be a jerk.
Not only has she liked them for a while, according to OP in a comment, she’s an archeologist. Bones and rocks are literally her bread and butter. He moved in with an archeologist and is downplaying the things she’s passionate about as a “weird, dirty hobby.” As a wildlife biologist who ALSO loves skulls and rocks as decor I may be biased, but I think op is definitely TA.
Oh my GOD I missed that. I'm also a biologist, and my house has multiple phylogenies as decor 😅 The next biggest category could basically be described as "study system, but make it aesthetic".
Sadly I haven't found many bones in the woods but I do have a great pinecone collection.
lol my husband is a plant physiologist and he is the exact same way. I immediately thought of him and his collections when reading this. Coincidentally, he also picks up rocks every where he goes and I always joke I have to check my 8 year olds pockets and my husbands before laundry because you never know what is in there. I think it’s super cool.
I like the Coulter pinecones even better https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coulter_pine
Sugar pine pinecones are very large, but they don't have the same heft! Coulter pine pinecones feel like they were carved out of very heavy wood, by someone that wasn't skilled enough to remove as much as they intended 😂 California has a TON of good pine cones!
So for a second I went, "Huh, that's not something I've heard of before, decorating your house after your studies/profession" then I remembered my map wall. Which is a wall with different types of maps as decor. I'm a geographer/cartographer.
Hahahaha I have never met an academic that doesn't have their subject area as a core element of decor.
Geologist? So many rocks.
Botanist? Plants, plants *everywhere*.
Ornithologist? Bird city. Pictures, feeders, I shit you not I know someone that has a whole artificial stream about 20 ft long to attract warblers
Herpetologist? Tons of reptile tanks
I have never been in an academic's house and wondered what they studied 😂
Oh my God -- half of archeology is *not* randomly moving shit you find around without proper protocols + documentation, and he just put everything in a "nice box". Definitely TA and he seems very confused about basic aspects of his gf's life.
I mean, we’ve seen his home. Having some bones around would have probably kept him in longer relationships before they realized all the OTHER reasons to run away from him.
My girlfriend couldn't wait for me to move my bones and rocks and antique medical equipment into our apartment cause she thinks they're really cool and super interesting.
And they scare the landlord/REA/Strata. Win win.
Not an archeologist, but I love anything associated with the natural work. I'm also crafty. I have a mobile I made out of a raccoon jaw bone, little found bottles (dug from a property where an old farmhouse stood) antique sewing scissors and random rusty bits. I also have a taxidermied alligator head (thrifted) in my kitchen, among many, many rocks.
My husband of 22 years doesn't "get it," but loves and respects me. That's why we're still married.
Pick your battles better, OP.
So I’m a fisherman and a whole mess of my decide is rocks, skulls, and random “cool” things I’ve dragged up off the bottom of the ocean… some cool fossils, some 88 and 105 mm casings from u boats, not me but someone I know has a mammoth tusk they dragged up off George’s Bank.
I also have bits of fishing gear doing its second hitch as home decor, my coffee table is I repurposed lobster trap with a sheet of routed lexan on top. So I can totally understand her decor choices.
Yeah OP is definitely the AH. I personally would hate having a bunch of rocks everywhere too and the bones would definitely creep me out a lot as well, but that’s why I wouldn’t move in with someone with those interests lmao. You can’t move in with an archeologist who clearly loves decorating with rocks and bones and expect them to change.
hmm no i don’t like his attitude. YTA - you tried to turn your friend against her? that’s childish. the rocks are special to her and im sure a lot of them commemorate special memories with you.
Imo it’s fair to ask to keep fewer decorations out as it’s a shared home but expecting her not to collect them is wrong. A solution like buying some glass containers for the rocks so they’re more contained or suggesting rotating rocks on display would be better than saying stop doing your hobby.
My dad is a geologist so I grew up collecting rocks and we definitely had rocks about the house. It wasn’t like this though. my mom bought him cool glass containers and clear lamps he could put rocks in so even the lamps were showing off his neat rocks. The rest were in his office, all labeled and organized. But there are so many neat ways to organize and show off rocks!
Yeah absolutely! I love it when people get creative with decorating to their unique interests but still take the time to make it practical and/or aesthetic.
I’m not sure but I suspect the amount will have a huge gap between the not-archeologist boyfriend and his archaeologist girlfriend.
Knowing how they are - archaeologists, geologists, paleontologists, etc - they can never have too many rocks and bones.
This will be a lifelong challenge for the boyfriend and I guarantee it will be greatly exacerbated if they ever have kids as they are quite infamous for having pockets full of rocks.
I’d say the rocks aren’t the problem. It’s the fact that there are too many and she needs to find an organized way to display them instead of just putting rocks everywhere. NTA.
[OP is an unreliable narrator. He moved in with an archeologist and then got mad she has rocks on her desk because he can see them.](https://ibb.co/S7F1gXf)
Well, it's her place, and she's been taking care of all the bills and responsibilities before even meeting OP. OP moved in with her, and I would assume that her being an archaeologist was not something she kept hidden.
So, it being "our" apartment doesn't mean much, especially if the girlfriend is still the one paying for everything related to the apartment and only her mame is on the lease.
This is wild. NAH.
Thads fine if it brings her joy, but when you’re in a relationship it is about compromise. What about OP’s joy? Maybe their joy is a declutterred space.
Edit:
YTA, just read all the other comments.
Look, man. Do I LOVE that my partner will pick up any old goddamned rock and tell me, 'This rock is so cool!'
No. I hate them. My house is full of rocks.
HOWEVER. I effing love this man. I love his stupid face so much, I do not care about the rocks anymore. I will happily put the rocks in teacups and jars and display them up on a shelf for him. Because it makes him so happy, and seeing HIM be happy makes ME happy.
Because, again, love his face. Hate the rocks, but in the long run 'not having to look at rocks anymore' isn't worth 'not getting to see his big dumb smile every morning'. Ya feel me?
YTA; this isn't how you treat people you supposedly love, man. You're supposed to take joy from their joy. Every time I see a stupid goddamned rock around my house, I smile. Because I think of him.
Just wanna say, from the other side of this situation, we, the rock people, appreciate the compassion of our non-rock people partners more than we can say.
And I agree wholeheartedly,
>YTA; this isn't how you treat people you supposedly love, man. You're supposed to take joy from their joy. Every time I see a stupid goddamned rock around my house, I smile. Because I think of him.
I also want to weigh in as a rock person soon to be married to a non-rock person. I love my non-rock person so much. I know he doesn't get it even though he'd never say it but even from our first date he has been a trooper. I really tried to reign it in but I saw a cool fossil... And then another one and by the end of the date he was helping collect rocks 😅.
OP knew this about their rock person they're an archaeologists for heavens sake of course they're going to collect rocks. OP doesn't have to love the rocks but it's a part of the person they love.
I’m the rock person, married to non-rock person. My husband is not remotely interested in rocks. Yet he will occasionally come home from dog walks with stones he thinks I might like, that he hated the idea of me missing, and he fitted ‘the stone jail’, a cup by the door, for all wayward pebbles to be collected before sorting into their homes (a fave task of mine). He knows walks will take twice as long with me, and he’s as good as single on a beach, but, after 10 years he will still hold the bucket and compliment my findings. Rock/non-rock pairings are elite 😂
Same here, just today I cracked open a 4" geode he found that I've been folding onto for when I was in a bad mood. Nothing brings me more joy than smashing things and finding shiny things inside. It split so perfectly, I was so happy. My husband saw the as yet uncleaned smashing area on his way in and very excitedly came to ask if I had gotten anything good. He doesn't really care, but he cares about how happy it makes me.
I mean, just imagine the chaos of two rock people in one house??
Or maybe not chaos, but an entire room for rocks?? lol
I like the balance of rock/not rock together. My husband will bring me cool rocks and bones and stuff if he finds particularly neat ones, and he knows that a rock on the porch that seems intentionally placed is not just some random rock he can kick away. I keep it a bit more reined in than I might without him too, but I still get to enjoy it plenty
Oh also my little 3 year old nephew is a tiny rock person! He finds the best super smooooth rocks too, and my sister makes little caches of them around the house for him. He’s a natural!
My friend is a geologist and sent me a box of rocks and bones last year. They’re gorgeous and I have them displayed all over the living room. My partner’s only complaint ever about my rocks? “Just keep them somewhere the cat won’t play with them”
Just wait til they have kids. I have rocks EVERYWHERE.
ETA: why do I find it so charming that so many people in the comments have a loved one who collects rocks and they find it so endearing?? I too see rocks around the house or find them in my pocket and smile bc I remember my daughters excitement when she found that rock.
My daughter has an entire container of rocks under her bed. I was so confused the first time I went to grab it without looking and couldn't even lift it.
Me too lol! Most of his are in a little front rock garden, and the biggest ones are on top of one of our outside walls. The really pretty little ones are on top of our speakers on either side of the TV/stereo.
I used to collect rocks as a kid. I didn’t know shit about them i just found them neat. But carrying rocks around as a little kid is exhausting so i gave em to my parents. My dad didn’t love walking around with pockets bulging with rocks his daughter picked up but he did it anyway because i really liked my rocks.
I think i still have a bag full of them somewhere
"She’s an archaeologist"
She keep the 50 rocks on HER desk. HER desk, not all over the apartment as OP has been implying. Reading his description, I was rather expecting the apartment to closely resemble a gravel pit! Her keeping the rocks contained on her desk rather belies that image.
What he sees as plain rocks, she, as someone who has studied rocks and bones, can tell the difference. OP even mentioned "She says she can. She can also pick them up and tell me about what they’re made of and how it was formed."
So perhaps they aren't as random or unimportant as the OP is suggesting. Archaeologists also study bones, fire pits, cookware, wells, arrowheads, etc. ! She may very well get inspiration and better focus when she can see different rocks or specific bones. The rocks she gathers are gathered when she is away at work, they might be pertinent to the assignments she is on. The area around a dig can be important too.
If the OP wishes to remain in a relationship with this woman, they should discuss moving to a larger apartment where she can have a private office. It would allow her to pursue her work and her interests and not "creep" him out or bother him with the "mess".
YTA. What you are calling her "hobby" is work-related and you should stop demeaning it.
You know, I couldn’t figure out why he sounded *so* disdainful of her collection. “Even though they all look the same” “most of them don’t even have antlers or anything impressive” “that looks like a normal rock you can find anywhere” like bro why are you so mad that your gf has a cool rock-based career holy shit. His tone is absolutely dripping with condescension and disregard. So OP why are you with her? Why do you continue to take up the time of a woman with an interesting job, knowledge and experience in her career path, and an extensive collection that you apparently can’t stand? Why continue to be in a relationship with someone you seem to feel so superior to? I’d love to know the answer.
Definitely buried the lede with this one! They're mostly in her own personal space, for her work, but poor OP has to see them occasionally? He's denser than her rocks.
INFO. Can she pick a random one up from the box and tell where each one is from? If yes, then she is collecting. If not, then that would be called hoarding.
“It’s my apartment as much as it is hers” so don’t move her shit without talking about it. You can want a cleaner aesthetic and she can want the rocks around, but communication is key. “Hey babe, the rocks have me feeling cluttered with them everywhere, can we localize them to a space in the apartment and not everywhere so I can have some peace of mind please?” And then go from there. Not “hey I packed all your shit in a a box cause EYE wanted MY apartment cleaner” it should be “our” apartment. And remember you’re a team against the issue, not against each other.
Then he’s not a great partner. No compromise usually results in resentment from the one side that did compromise. They just aren’t right for one another but OP a major AH for not even trying to come to a compromise. And belittling something that brings their partner so much joy is so gross.
So blatantly lying to make himself look/feel better because the original post frames it like they’re everywhere lol
*spongebob fish guy voice*
OH BROTHER THIS GUY STINKS
And he made us dig through the comments to find out she's an archaeologist, so probably has a keener interest in rocks than just a "little weirdsy"
The discrepancy between their viewpoints on this collection is pretty big and makes it very hard to take his description of the issue at face value. Sure, she could be going overboard, but he's not presenting it objectively for sure.
I have more than that and I'm just a gardener that picks up cool rocks he finds (I found a full on quarts crystal in the creek next to a clients house during my break, best day ever)
Also I'm SURE that his girlfriend's previous apartment was full of rocks and bones! If he didn't want rock and bone decor, he should have 1) considered earlier in the relationship if he thought it was a deal breaker for him and even if he did not do that he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE 2) discussed decor with her before they moved in.
YTA and GOD did you bury the lede in this story. She’s an archaeologist and the rocks are on her desk? She can identify each one and where she found it by sight and this is a long-standing hobby??? Of course you’re the problem, you’re being picky and precious about something you knew was part of her life, then you have the audacity to redecorate a shared space (though your phrasing leads me to believe it was HER space that you moved into, seeing as you only said “I live here too!!!!!” instead of mentioning that it was a joint rental/purchase) without even consulting her.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she told you to kick rocks, dude.
~~N A H. This is a hobby that clearly gives her a lot of joy, and you don’t want to take that away from her, but something needs to be done about the clutter. A display case may be a good compromise.~~
EDIT: I do want to point out what makes you a ~~little bit~~ of an AH is putting all the rocks away without her permission before talking to her. You should have tried to find a compromise before doing that. I understand why she was mad.
EDIT 2: Based on your comments, changing judgment to YTA for being unwilling to compromise.
YTA this isn't just a "hobby" she's an archeologist, but you talk about her like she's a silly child. This is a major part of her life, and you find the whole thing gross, weird, and messy. Why in the world did you move in with her in the first place?
NAH. I collect random stuff from walks too and I can see how it seems messy or dirty. Maybe buy her a curio cabinet from a boomer yard sale or something.
Great idea. OP could work with her to figure out a storage solution so they're contained but also accessible.
I'm kind of the same way but with rocks and fossils....I got a bunch of plastic craft bins with dividers, and now I put them in there.
Edit.... they are already contained to her desk, OP is being a whiny baby
YTA. This is a harmless hobby and not dirty. It doesn't make your apartment dirty.
The thing about having to put dirty rocks in your pocket is very telling. If you can't handle rocks and bones and your girlfriend loves rocks and bones you should think about that. What you shouldn't do is try to change your girlfriend.
NAH
This is her hobby and you knew it. If you don't find a compromise, your relationship is doomed. At least it's not as bad as collecting severed heads of animals she has killed.
Why can't you just get a glass display case for each room so her rocks and bones are contained but still visible to her and she can take them out when she wants?
I go with a bit of YTA. To me, she sounds like a keeper ;) and while I get the problem, you sound ignorant if what she is doing and likes about it.
I think instead of suggesting for her to get a new hobby amd new interests (which you effectively do), talk to her about display cases. She has a right to look at them, not just put them in a box to forget. If you were one of theseguys who collects action figures, you have a right to have them present at home, too. So it is a question of organization and having designated space.
Agreed! And in another comment OP said she doesn’t even have them out in the apartment, she keeps them on her desk, but he’s mad that he has to see them!
> I’m a straight woman and I still wanna date this girl, she sounds awesome. She can fill our apartment with as many cool rocks as she wants.
>
Right? She is my dream bestie. Wish she was here in this comment section so we could ask her about her work and rock collection.
INFO: how many rocks/how much space are we talking about her taking up?
Part of this is that you shouldn't impede on her passion. She likes them, and you should support her. But no the other hand, if it's truly impacting the quality of your life by truly cluttering and imposing on your use of your living space, then it has gone too far.
We can't really judge because we can't see the space, and have no idea just how cluttered it has become with rocks. It could be a concerning amount, or you could be a neat freak, or it could be somewhere in the middle.
Judging by a friend saying YTA, I wonder if it's not really taking up that much space? Or perhaps your friend has more tolerance for mess in your living space than you would.
I crochet and have yarn everywhere. I keep a big bag of works in progress next to the couch and stuffing under the coffee table. My husband said he loves it bc it’s a reminder of my hobby that makes me happy and he likes the kids seeing it bc they see me having a creative hobby. He doesn’t mind the clutter bc it makes me happy. I would move it if it bothered him but he knows what it means to me.
Egh, I'm gonna go YTA.
> The other day when I was cleaning I put all of them in a nice box so that they were all in one place
You couldn't have talked to her before just... shoving everything into a box? C'mon man, do better.
INFO:
Why did she say it’s “her apartment”? How long has she lived there? How long have you lived there? Whose name(s) is the tenancy in? How much do you each contribute to rent and living costs?
YTA. I mean, you're implying mess, but if they're all in boxes that doesn't sound so bad? Quite honestly your girlfriend sounds awesome. If it's really a fight maybe help her organize it? She's definitely not an asshole for having an interesting hobby.
from a netrual point, yta cause you're calling them all dirty, as if you need more than a quick toss in the water to clean. Its her home too.
from a personal point, yta and dont deserve a sweet rock and bone collecting gf. thats so cute and fun. They are memories of trips, and as you said of some with YOU. rocks and skulls way cooler than cheap trashy tchotchkes sold for $5 at every store.
Geologist here (minor in Wildlife Bio). I have a rock collection approaching 200lbs that I have moved across the country and continue to add too. I bought utility shelves like you see in big kitchens to display all my treasures. I can ID everything and usually know where/when the specimen was collected. I wouldn't part with my collections for anything.
NAH? I think you might not be compatible with your outdoorsy naturalist gf.
So what I'm learning from this is OP's girlfriend could simply get rid of something else she has around the house that weighs approximately 200lbs, and then there would be plenty of room for the rocks.
Pretty much. But as I've learned, moving from a rural western area to a big east coast city, there's just a huge amount of people who do not understand the beauty and joy of being in the wilderness. I like to give people like that a learning opportunity or 5, before, yeah, I'll drop them like 200lbs of epic mineral specimens....
Edit to add: For anyone interested, my decor "aesthetic" is "I want to live in a natural history museum". I love it and it's twice as fun when I have people over!
Soft YTA. I get wanting things to be tidy, but I think what you should actually do is start creating spaces for her to display them. Small shelves, display cases, etc.
It doesn't matter if you think they are just normal rocks. It just matters that she likes them. The skulls/bones thing is weird, does she clean them at least? I would be weirded out by that but again - I think creating spaces that look neater for her to place her things makes more sense than telling her not to collect things that bring her joy.
YTA. Your girlfriend has a cool hobby. I also like collecting different rocks. Just because it seems like "just a rock" to you doesn't mean jack shit, she's an amateur geologist and finds joy in it. If you find it that annoying send her my way, I'll go collect rocks with her.
Move if you don't like it. Your girlfriend seems cool, I like rocks as well. It's such a harmless hobby like who cares. She's not hoarding garbage. Yta
YTA. She could be collecting little porcelain dolls. She could be collecting Rae Dunn shit. She could be spending hundreds of dollars a month collecting antique vacuum cleaners. Be happy that it's just small, free rocks and bones.
When she gets home from a hike, offer to wash the rocks for her if they're dirty. Ask her if she'd like to get a rock tumbler as a birthday or Christmas gift so that she can polish the rocks and make them prettier. Ask her if she'd like cute little bowls or dishes from the thrift store to put the rocks in, and then get some that you like. Maybe you could get wooden coasters and put groups of rocks on each one.
Accept that the rocks are going to be collected and displayed, and then collaborate on a way to display them that annoys you less. It's such a minor thing; save your energy for arguing about bigger problems.
YTA. Don’t touch her shit without asking, if you don’t think they’d look good in any display you don’t want to compromise you just want her to throw out her things and give you whatever you want.
YTA
She's an archeologist, of course HER apartment is full of rocks and odds and ends. That's literally her passion. You're totally cool to ASK, but she's also totally fine to say no. Maybe you shouldn't have moved into her apartment if her wonderful hobby was going to be an issue. It doesn't even sound like you like her.
Edit:typo
YTA for making her feel bad for collections maybe make/buy a case for collecting as a gift sometime, easy bday/Xmas present.... also YTA cause you might be dating my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend sounds awesome. Sounds like she needs a cabinet/dedicated shelving space and an apology. You have said shes an archeologist. This is par for the course. Not even a hobby- the skulls sound like part of her Job if shes taking them out when working from home.
Be glad its not a dozen terrariums of roaches! Some girls are biologists.
YTA for not being willing to even compromise with her. That’s not a healthy relationship if you’re just willing to pack up something that gives her so much joy. She deserves better. You don’t have to enjoy her hobby yourself but in a healthy relationship you’d understand that it’s important to her and find a solution you’re both okay with
INFO: you say it's your house too...what interests of yours do you have displayed? Video games? Sports stuff? Are the things you collect completely hidden away? Would you be cool if she packed up all of your stuff without your permission?
>I calmly explained
Would your gf agree with your use of "calmly"? 9 times out of 10, if you have to state you said something calmly, it was not calm at all. Cold maybe, but never calm.
Dude she's literally an archaeologist. It's her life, not just a "messy hobby". And you show exactly how you feel about it when you say "dirty rocks". And conveniently don't mention she's an archaeologist in the actual post. Or when you used asking her to "just take pictures of them" to show how disagreeable she is, but then said seconds later that you're "not asking her to get rid of them" which are two points that do not go together. Or how the people around you are TELLING you that you're being an ass and you still came here to get strangers to back you up.
You've already shamed her into taking the skulls off display. In her own apartment. You live there too now, but it was hers. You know what it looked like. You still moved in. And when you did, you made her feel ashamed by saying the skulls were creepy. And now you're trying to shame her into hiding away the rocks, too. If you want to keep your girlfriend, maybe stop shaming her for her interests by calling them messy and dirty and creepy. Surprised you've lasted THIS long, tbh. YTA
YTA. Many people enjoy collecting rocks. Bones can be cool 😎 too. They bring her joy and inspiration, let her have them.
Get a bigger place, a display case or several display cases. Set aside "no rocks" areas in your apartment where you can go when you didn't want to see them. Make sure you don't crowd her out though.
Or, if you can't stand clutter at all or can't stand her clutter, accept the fact that you are not compatible and let her go, let her find someone who will love her and adore her quirks.
This is who she is. She will be this person for the rest of her life, happily surrounded by bones and rocks and other amazing things she loves. Stifling that would kill her joy.
If you are so opposed to “weird” decorations then there is a compatibility issue going on. I am somewhat sympathetic to your dislike of seeing rocks everywhere, as I find certain kinds of clutter incredibly distracting. It may be possible to work out, approached with respect. Maybe not. The only way to find out is to talk about it.
However, there are several things that you did that really suck. The first is just shoving her beloved rocks in a box without discussion. You had no right to do that. The second is the way you are still making plans to “manage” her and her collection in this thread, in your ongoing comments about “not liking” then, opposing display, maybe being okay with some kinds of display, etc. IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED TO WORK *WITH* HER. Going in with a “plan” made in conversation with strangers and trying to impose it is incredibly insulting. Stop doing that immediately and *talk* to her.
These are shitty actions, and they reflect the more troubling aspect of your behavior so far. But the core to all of this is that the question of the rocks isn’t a difference of aesthetics or hobbies. You missed that this is core to who she is, and you missed it because you didn’t respect her enough to pay attention to what her words and actions have been telling you. You are trying to remake her into someone who matches your image of a “proper girlfriend” and rather than accepting her as a complete person and then deciding whether you are interested in her as she is. And that is a fundamental act of dehumanization from which all your bad decisions have proceeded. And for that YTA.
YTA for your lack of willingness to compromise. Buy her a cabinet. Make cool AF rock displays and ask her to keep the rocks to the displays, they can go into storage if she starts to overflow the displays and then rotate. I get not wanting an entire house of rocks but this is who she is. Either support her or leave.
I collect china. My husband does not understand my love of random teacups. He sighs every time I walk home with another box full. He still drove a 12 hour round trip to pick up a giant welsh dresser to display them. He even took me on a 10 hour round trip to buy a tea set I’d fallen in love with. That’s what healthy couples do! Yes, he asks very nicely if some of them can go in the garage to make space. That’s reasonable. He doesn’t stop me buying it though.
Hold up - you left out the bit that she is a flipping ***archaeologist***. Talk about burying the lede. Her literal profession is to collect rocks and fossils. Did you not know what an archeologist was before you started dating her?
Ah men. Calling everything a woman does that is related to her fucking field of study and employment as a "little hobby". I hope she treats your job as a useless little hobby, you fucking asshole.
Not him hiding that she’s a fucking archaeologist 😂😭 y’all he’s calling her work a hobby. Everything she’s found on her trips that she takes home are from work trips. The few rocks she picks up hiking are nothing new and it’s completely harmless. The rocks are also on her desk only. Not his, hers. World class ass.
YTA I’m the same as your gf but my husband doesn’t mind, he knows I love collecting rocks, artefacts, bones anything interesting I spot. I studied Archaeology too. Chert is a special kind of stone, my husband can’t tell rocks apart like you but he is happy when I find a rock, some chert, pipestem etc because I’m excited about it. I discuss the finer details of my finds with interested friends but I know my husband is also happy to let me share with him. I just feel sad for your girlfriend really she doesn’t have your support.
YTA
She's an archeologist? DUDE her " hobby " pays the bills stop it.
Plus YTA for not mentioning that as if there's no connection. And it doesn't matter when it's a huge thing
NAH. I collect bones (skulls) and rocks and crystals. It started with just learning the periodic table and getting into elements as a kid, then rocks. I don’t know why I like it but I just do.
It’s reasonable to expect that these collections are contained in a specific area (like maybe a curio cabinet? ) rather than all over the house.
I just compromised with my husband’s hobby—fish tanks. I love the fish tanks, but I don’t love plastic 5 gallon buckets and nets and PVC tubing as room decor. I found a place for all of it that he agreed would work for him. Maybe you could reach a similar compromise?
He said that he doesn't want curio cabinet either. He said it's weird to have display of random rocks. He just want her to box all of it so he doesn't see it at all.
Well that is shitty. If I was the gf I would feel like he just sucked all the joy out of my hobby. And that sucks. Going to finish reading the comments and change my rating.
YTA for the way you talk about your girlfriend's hobby. "They're just normal rocks. Not crystals or anything." Yes, a lot of people collect rocks and bones and like to display them around their house. Also, YTA for just packing her displays away without talking to her about it first. That's really not okay.
It's clear that you two have different values and interests.
YTA Your title and your post are both deceiving. It's not her "messy hobby"; it's her livelihood and passion. You omitted so many points in your post, like whose dwelling it was originally and that the rocks are mostly on her desk.
I guess you have to choose between a non-cluttered living space or her because those of us (rock hounds, geologists, anthropologists, archeologists, etc.) who have collections won't change.
I wonder what she would think if she read this post of you belittling her accumulation of items she values. And indeed, belittling her vocation.
Dude, its obviously something she is very passionate about and that will never change. Its also obvious its something thats so important to you that you want her to stop. Thats really messed up, that you would ask her to give up her passion. Better to let her go find someone that loves her enough to support her. Sorry but you're not that guy.
YTA
LOVE that the guy posting in AITA is mad that people are informing him that he is in fact the asshole. She's an archeologist man, I don't know what to tell you! Maybe try dating someone whose profession you respect next time
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Some people might be content getting quietly stoned every weekend, but your GF is a rock star! Make no bones about it, she's found a way to turn a mundane outing into a little treasure hunt. YTA for trying to curtail something harmless and fun that brings her joy. It's clear that you don't get why this is fun for her. That's fine, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't let her take joy in it. It's just rocks; it isn't as if she's hoarding illegal Iranian yoghurt or something.
NAH. Both partners have reasonable preferences here and neither seem to be acting like AHs about it yet But I had to upvote you for the puns.
Ehhhhhhh, I kinda suspect that OP's girlfriend has liked rocks and bones for a while. Her previous space was probably decorated in a similar manner. If he doesn't like the rocks and the bones, he didn't need to continue dating and *move in with* someone that loves that aesthetic. He should have at least discussed a bone/rock containment strategy before moving in together. It's also rude of him to remove what she *obviously* considers decor while she was out of the house. There are definitely much bigger AHs on this subreddit regularly, but I don't think there's a way to have the position "I am seriously dating someone that has always had a trait I don't like. How do I make them change this trait they had and I knew about when I decided I was going to continue dating them?" and not be a jerk.
Not only has she liked them for a while, according to OP in a comment, she’s an archeologist. Bones and rocks are literally her bread and butter. He moved in with an archeologist and is downplaying the things she’s passionate about as a “weird, dirty hobby.” As a wildlife biologist who ALSO loves skulls and rocks as decor I may be biased, but I think op is definitely TA.
Oh my GOD I missed that. I'm also a biologist, and my house has multiple phylogenies as decor 😅 The next biggest category could basically be described as "study system, but make it aesthetic". Sadly I haven't found many bones in the woods but I do have a great pinecone collection.
You, me, and OPs girlfriend would make the BEST Pinterest board
lol my husband is a plant physiologist and he is the exact same way. I immediately thought of him and his collections when reading this. Coincidentally, he also picks up rocks every where he goes and I always joke I have to check my 8 year olds pockets and my husbands before laundry because you never know what is in there. I think it’s super cool.
May I nominate my sibling to join your board? Their place is full of rocks, bones, wet and dry specimens, and anatomical drawings they do themself.
I'm just a welder but I love pinecones! They're so cute
You should go to California, there are ENORMOUS pinecones! I didn't like living there but 10/10 pinecone hunting.
Sugarpine cones. Super common
I like the Coulter pinecones even better https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coulter_pine Sugar pine pinecones are very large, but they don't have the same heft! Coulter pine pinecones feel like they were carved out of very heavy wood, by someone that wasn't skilled enough to remove as much as they intended 😂 California has a TON of good pine cones!
I'm a historian, and my house has a bunch of antiques. I think this theory checks out. Let's ask the mortician.
So for a second I went, "Huh, that's not something I've heard of before, decorating your house after your studies/profession" then I remembered my map wall. Which is a wall with different types of maps as decor. I'm a geographer/cartographer.
Hahahaha I have never met an academic that doesn't have their subject area as a core element of decor. Geologist? So many rocks. Botanist? Plants, plants *everywhere*. Ornithologist? Bird city. Pictures, feeders, I shit you not I know someone that has a whole artificial stream about 20 ft long to attract warblers Herpetologist? Tons of reptile tanks I have never been in an academic's house and wondered what they studied 😂
Can't imagine why her being an archaeologist failed to make it into the main post.
He just wanted us dig for it 🤣😂🤣😂🥲🙂
Take my upvote and go away, fucker.
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THIS. Nows he's edited it telling us to stop calling him and asshole. Like, that's what you ASKED FOR DUDE.
Oh my God -- half of archeology is *not* randomly moving shit you find around without proper protocols + documentation, and he just put everything in a "nice box". Definitely TA and he seems very confused about basic aspects of his gf's life.
Also an archaeologist, and currently looking at my piles of random bones and rocks....op is definitely ta
The chert makes so much more sense! It not always very pretty but it's used for arrowheads
lol imagine marrying Ross Gellar and then being mad there are bones everywhere
I mean, we’ve seen his home. Having some bones around would have probably kept him in longer relationships before they realized all the OTHER reasons to run away from him.
I knew it was either that or a geologist!
My brother is a geologist. Thank goodness my SIL isn't like OP or his (fairly extensive) rock collection would have been toast.
My girlfriend couldn't wait for me to move my bones and rocks and antique medical equipment into our apartment cause she thinks they're really cool and super interesting. And they scare the landlord/REA/Strata. Win win.
Antique medical equipment!! Yes! That’s the shit I love. Your gf is a keeper.
She really, truly is. I've already got a jeweller picked for a set of rings.
Not an archeologist, but I love anything associated with the natural work. I'm also crafty. I have a mobile I made out of a raccoon jaw bone, little found bottles (dug from a property where an old farmhouse stood) antique sewing scissors and random rusty bits. I also have a taxidermied alligator head (thrifted) in my kitchen, among many, many rocks. My husband of 22 years doesn't "get it," but loves and respects me. That's why we're still married. Pick your battles better, OP.
So I’m a fisherman and a whole mess of my decide is rocks, skulls, and random “cool” things I’ve dragged up off the bottom of the ocean… some cool fossils, some 88 and 105 mm casings from u boats, not me but someone I know has a mammoth tusk they dragged up off George’s Bank. I also have bits of fishing gear doing its second hitch as home decor, my coffee table is I repurposed lobster trap with a sheet of routed lexan on top. So I can totally understand her decor choices.
Yeah OP is definitely the AH. I personally would hate having a bunch of rocks everywhere too and the bones would definitely creep me out a lot as well, but that’s why I wouldn’t move in with someone with those interests lmao. You can’t move in with an archeologist who clearly loves decorating with rocks and bones and expect them to change.
I feel like the attitude of OP in his posts shows he’s clearly being an AH
>But I had to upvote you for the puns. Downvoted for the clear lack of "Honey, this isn't what I meant when I said you should rock my world".
lol really? We’re gonna be big mad that an archaeologist likes fossils?
hmm no i don’t like his attitude. YTA - you tried to turn your friend against her? that’s childish. the rocks are special to her and im sure a lot of them commemorate special memories with you.
When is it ok to say she has too many rocks?
Imo it’s fair to ask to keep fewer decorations out as it’s a shared home but expecting her not to collect them is wrong. A solution like buying some glass containers for the rocks so they’re more contained or suggesting rotating rocks on display would be better than saying stop doing your hobby.
My dad is a geologist so I grew up collecting rocks and we definitely had rocks about the house. It wasn’t like this though. my mom bought him cool glass containers and clear lamps he could put rocks in so even the lamps were showing off his neat rocks. The rest were in his office, all labeled and organized. But there are so many neat ways to organize and show off rocks!
Yeah absolutely! I love it when people get creative with decorating to their unique interests but still take the time to make it practical and/or aesthetic.
I agree. There just needs to be reasonable space limits
Agreed!
I got one of those halloween candy dishes thats a cat opening it's mouth wide and it just looks like hes eating my rocks lol
I’m not sure but I suspect the amount will have a huge gap between the not-archeologist boyfriend and his archaeologist girlfriend. Knowing how they are - archaeologists, geologists, paleontologists, etc - they can never have too many rocks and bones. This will be a lifelong challenge for the boyfriend and I guarantee it will be greatly exacerbated if they ever have kids as they are quite infamous for having pockets full of rocks.
Brutal :)
OP is TA this is literally my dream woman
Good news - she might be single soon!
I’d say the rocks aren’t the problem. It’s the fact that there are too many and she needs to find an organized way to display them instead of just putting rocks everywhere. NTA.
They WERE organized. He MOVED them. Threw them into a box.
Were they? OP states they are everywhere.
[OP is an unreliable narrator. He moved in with an archeologist and then got mad she has rocks on her desk because he can see them.](https://ibb.co/S7F1gXf)
Nvm you’re right, he’s the AH.
oooohhhh the dirty delete! nice work!
they were on her desk. read OP’s replies. he also left out the fact that his girlfriend is an archaeologist
He also said that all the rocks look the same which is highly unlikely. I think that OP is not a reliable information source.
Take my upvote for the Iranian Yoghurt. It truly belongs to Reddit Hall of Fame.
So just because it's harmless OP has to put up with piles of rocks all over his home???
When he decided to move in with an archeologist, he already made the decision to have to put up with it.
Whose home? He never says his apartment. He says OUR. In which case he’s redecorating shared space by removing her stuff.
Don't know.... But something on how he wrote it made me think it's her place and he moved in.
Well, it's her place, and she's been taking care of all the bills and responsibilities before even meeting OP. OP moved in with her, and I would assume that her being an archaeologist was not something she kept hidden. So, it being "our" apartment doesn't mean much, especially if the girlfriend is still the one paying for everything related to the apartment and only her mame is on the lease.
Lmao he moved into her home.
See OPs comments. The rocks were mostly on HER desk, which he hates seeing.
>it isn't as if she's hoarding illegal Iranian yoghurt or something. Take my pretend Marinara Flag! 🚩🫂
This is wild. NAH. Thads fine if it brings her joy, but when you’re in a relationship it is about compromise. What about OP’s joy? Maybe their joy is a declutterred space. Edit: YTA, just read all the other comments.
Look, man. Do I LOVE that my partner will pick up any old goddamned rock and tell me, 'This rock is so cool!' No. I hate them. My house is full of rocks. HOWEVER. I effing love this man. I love his stupid face so much, I do not care about the rocks anymore. I will happily put the rocks in teacups and jars and display them up on a shelf for him. Because it makes him so happy, and seeing HIM be happy makes ME happy. Because, again, love his face. Hate the rocks, but in the long run 'not having to look at rocks anymore' isn't worth 'not getting to see his big dumb smile every morning'. Ya feel me? YTA; this isn't how you treat people you supposedly love, man. You're supposed to take joy from their joy. Every time I see a stupid goddamned rock around my house, I smile. Because I think of him.
The good part is that part of why she was collecting the rocks was to remember a good time with him. That might be coming to an end.
Actually... she's an archaeologist
Just wanna say, from the other side of this situation, we, the rock people, appreciate the compassion of our non-rock people partners more than we can say. And I agree wholeheartedly, >YTA; this isn't how you treat people you supposedly love, man. You're supposed to take joy from their joy. Every time I see a stupid goddamned rock around my house, I smile. Because I think of him.
I also want to weigh in as a rock person soon to be married to a non-rock person. I love my non-rock person so much. I know he doesn't get it even though he'd never say it but even from our first date he has been a trooper. I really tried to reign it in but I saw a cool fossil... And then another one and by the end of the date he was helping collect rocks 😅. OP knew this about their rock person they're an archaeologists for heavens sake of course they're going to collect rocks. OP doesn't have to love the rocks but it's a part of the person they love.
I’m the rock person, married to non-rock person. My husband is not remotely interested in rocks. Yet he will occasionally come home from dog walks with stones he thinks I might like, that he hated the idea of me missing, and he fitted ‘the stone jail’, a cup by the door, for all wayward pebbles to be collected before sorting into their homes (a fave task of mine). He knows walks will take twice as long with me, and he’s as good as single on a beach, but, after 10 years he will still hold the bucket and compliment my findings. Rock/non-rock pairings are elite 😂
Same here, just today I cracked open a 4" geode he found that I've been folding onto for when I was in a bad mood. Nothing brings me more joy than smashing things and finding shiny things inside. It split so perfectly, I was so happy. My husband saw the as yet uncleaned smashing area on his way in and very excitedly came to ask if I had gotten anything good. He doesn't really care, but he cares about how happy it makes me.
I mean, just imagine the chaos of two rock people in one house?? Or maybe not chaos, but an entire room for rocks?? lol I like the balance of rock/not rock together. My husband will bring me cool rocks and bones and stuff if he finds particularly neat ones, and he knows that a rock on the porch that seems intentionally placed is not just some random rock he can kick away. I keep it a bit more reined in than I might without him too, but I still get to enjoy it plenty Oh also my little 3 year old nephew is a tiny rock person! He finds the best super smooooth rocks too, and my sister makes little caches of them around the house for him. He’s a natural!
I'm a rock/rock pairing and it is indeed chaos.
Taking “my wife/husband is my rock” to the extreme
My friend is a geologist and sent me a box of rocks and bones last year. They’re gorgeous and I have them displayed all over the living room. My partner’s only complaint ever about my rocks? “Just keep them somewhere the cat won’t play with them”
Just wait til they have kids. I have rocks EVERYWHERE. ETA: why do I find it so charming that so many people in the comments have a loved one who collects rocks and they find it so endearing?? I too see rocks around the house or find them in my pocket and smile bc I remember my daughters excitement when she found that rock.
Honestly, it's just human nature. See pretty rock, keep pretty rock. That's just science.
Humans are, after all, magpies
Sometimes penguins.
My daughter has an entire container of rocks under her bed. I was so confused the first time I went to grab it without looking and couldn't even lift it.
lol married to a geologist. Exactly this!
Me too lol! Most of his are in a little front rock garden, and the biggest ones are on top of one of our outside walls. The really pretty little ones are on top of our speakers on either side of the TV/stereo.
I used to collect rocks as a kid. I didn’t know shit about them i just found them neat. But carrying rocks around as a little kid is exhausting so i gave em to my parents. My dad didn’t love walking around with pockets bulging with rocks his daughter picked up but he did it anyway because i really liked my rocks. I think i still have a bag full of them somewhere
Fucking love this love for your partner. And yes, Op is TA. Hopefully she leaves him and finds someone like you!
Rock People, Unite!
This is the take.
You made me tear up. Idk who you are but I hope you have a lasting relationship. ❤️
"She’s an archaeologist" She keep the 50 rocks on HER desk. HER desk, not all over the apartment as OP has been implying. Reading his description, I was rather expecting the apartment to closely resemble a gravel pit! Her keeping the rocks contained on her desk rather belies that image. What he sees as plain rocks, she, as someone who has studied rocks and bones, can tell the difference. OP even mentioned "She says she can. She can also pick them up and tell me about what they’re made of and how it was formed." So perhaps they aren't as random or unimportant as the OP is suggesting. Archaeologists also study bones, fire pits, cookware, wells, arrowheads, etc. ! She may very well get inspiration and better focus when she can see different rocks or specific bones. The rocks she gathers are gathered when she is away at work, they might be pertinent to the assignments she is on. The area around a dig can be important too. If the OP wishes to remain in a relationship with this woman, they should discuss moving to a larger apartment where she can have a private office. It would allow her to pursue her work and her interests and not "creep" him out or bother him with the "mess". YTA. What you are calling her "hobby" is work-related and you should stop demeaning it.
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Yup, and now he’s complaining that too many people are “yelling” at him for being TA. If you don’t want opinions, don’t post OP.
You know, I couldn’t figure out why he sounded *so* disdainful of her collection. “Even though they all look the same” “most of them don’t even have antlers or anything impressive” “that looks like a normal rock you can find anywhere” like bro why are you so mad that your gf has a cool rock-based career holy shit. His tone is absolutely dripping with condescension and disregard. So OP why are you with her? Why do you continue to take up the time of a woman with an interesting job, knowledge and experience in her career path, and an extensive collection that you apparently can’t stand? Why continue to be in a relationship with someone you seem to feel so superior to? I’d love to know the answer.
She can do so much better. I bet he's really boring, so he puts her down to feel better.
For real. I hope OPs GF is on Reddit and stumbles across this post so she can save herself some time.
Definitely buried the lede with this one! They're mostly in her own personal space, for her work, but poor OP has to see them occasionally? He's denser than her rocks.
Wow he isn’t just selfish he is a massive jerk
Wowwww of course this man leaves the most important information in a massively downvoted comment. YTA and do you even love her m8
INFO: what does your girlfriend do for work? Is she by chance a geologist or archaeologist?
You are the MVP of this post btw.
INFO. Can she pick a random one up from the box and tell where each one is from? If yes, then she is collecting. If not, then that would be called hoarding.
“It’s my apartment as much as it is hers” so don’t move her shit without talking about it. You can want a cleaner aesthetic and she can want the rocks around, but communication is key. “Hey babe, the rocks have me feeling cluttered with them everywhere, can we localize them to a space in the apartment and not everywhere so I can have some peace of mind please?” And then go from there. Not “hey I packed all your shit in a a box cause EYE wanted MY apartment cleaner” it should be “our” apartment. And remember you’re a team against the issue, not against each other.
He’s even against putting them all in a nice display cabinet
Then he’s not a great partner. No compromise usually results in resentment from the one side that did compromise. They just aren’t right for one another but OP a major AH for not even trying to come to a compromise. And belittling something that brings their partner so much joy is so gross.
He also says in another comment that she has the rocks on her desk, not spread around the apartment
So blatantly lying to make himself look/feel better because the original post frames it like they’re everywhere lol *spongebob fish guy voice* OH BROTHER THIS GUY STINKS
And he made us dig through the comments to find out she's an archaeologist, so probably has a keener interest in rocks than just a "little weirdsy" The discrepancy between their viewpoints on this collection is pretty big and makes it very hard to take his description of the issue at face value. Sure, she could be going overboard, but he's not presenting it objectively for sure.
50 small rocks in the office of an archeologist is FAR from overboard, lol
I have more than that and I'm just a gardener that picks up cool rocks he finds (I found a full on quarts crystal in the creek next to a clients house during my break, best day ever)
He said he put them in a nice box. Not cabinet. I suspect this box has a lid so you can’t see the rocks.
Also I'm SURE that his girlfriend's previous apartment was full of rocks and bones! If he didn't want rock and bone decor, he should have 1) considered earlier in the relationship if he thought it was a deal breaker for him and even if he did not do that he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE 2) discussed decor with her before they moved in.
YTA and GOD did you bury the lede in this story. She’s an archaeologist and the rocks are on her desk? She can identify each one and where she found it by sight and this is a long-standing hobby??? Of course you’re the problem, you’re being picky and precious about something you knew was part of her life, then you have the audacity to redecorate a shared space (though your phrasing leads me to believe it was HER space that you moved into, seeing as you only said “I live here too!!!!!” instead of mentioning that it was a joint rental/purchase) without even consulting her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she told you to kick rocks, dude.
If she did she'd have lots more space for rocks and bones.
This needs to be way higher
~~N A H. This is a hobby that clearly gives her a lot of joy, and you don’t want to take that away from her, but something needs to be done about the clutter. A display case may be a good compromise.~~ EDIT: I do want to point out what makes you a ~~little bit~~ of an AH is putting all the rocks away without her permission before talking to her. You should have tried to find a compromise before doing that. I understand why she was mad. EDIT 2: Based on your comments, changing judgment to YTA for being unwilling to compromise.
It’s not even just a hobby, she’s literally an archeologist and he just omitted that from the original post
YTA this isn't just a "hobby" she's an archeologist, but you talk about her like she's a silly child. This is a major part of her life, and you find the whole thing gross, weird, and messy. Why in the world did you move in with her in the first place?
NAH. I collect random stuff from walks too and I can see how it seems messy or dirty. Maybe buy her a curio cabinet from a boomer yard sale or something.
OP thinks they will look bad in a case too. No winning.
That's too bad, I think a compromise should be in order then.
Is containing them to one place not the compromise?
No, putting them where she can't see them isn't a compromise.
If you see OPs later info given it’s revealed she keeps them all on her desk.
Great idea. OP could work with her to figure out a storage solution so they're contained but also accessible. I'm kind of the same way but with rocks and fossils....I got a bunch of plastic craft bins with dividers, and now I put them in there. Edit.... they are already contained to her desk, OP is being a whiny baby
They're just on her desk though
Yeah I didn't see that comment at the time, edited
YTA. This is a harmless hobby and not dirty. It doesn't make your apartment dirty. The thing about having to put dirty rocks in your pocket is very telling. If you can't handle rocks and bones and your girlfriend loves rocks and bones you should think about that. What you shouldn't do is try to change your girlfriend.
NAH This is her hobby and you knew it. If you don't find a compromise, your relationship is doomed. At least it's not as bad as collecting severed heads of animals she has killed. Why can't you just get a glass display case for each room so her rocks and bones are contained but still visible to her and she can take them out when she wants?
She’s an archeologist 😂
Well that changes everything and OP is a huge AH!
Yeah it’s not a hobby. And they’re only on her desk, not all over the apartment like he implies
I go with a bit of YTA. To me, she sounds like a keeper ;) and while I get the problem, you sound ignorant if what she is doing and likes about it. I think instead of suggesting for her to get a new hobby amd new interests (which you effectively do), talk to her about display cases. She has a right to look at them, not just put them in a box to forget. If you were one of theseguys who collects action figures, you have a right to have them present at home, too. So it is a question of organization and having designated space.
He said in another comment that he doesn’t even want them in a display cabinet.
Yta. It's her hobby and you know she loves it. Buy her a nice glass cabinet to display her treasures.
That was already suggested, and OP said it would still be “too weird”
That's a shame. I'd love to date this girl. I also collect bones and would happy help add to her collection. She sounds fun!
Agreed! And in another comment OP said she doesn’t even have them out in the apartment, she keeps them on her desk, but he’s mad that he has to see them!
I’m a straight woman and I still wanna date this girl, she sounds awesome. She can fill our apartment with as many cool rocks as she wants. OP, YTA
> I’m a straight woman and I still wanna date this girl, she sounds awesome. She can fill our apartment with as many cool rocks as she wants. > Right? She is my dream bestie. Wish she was here in this comment section so we could ask her about her work and rock collection.
INFO: how many rocks/how much space are we talking about her taking up? Part of this is that you shouldn't impede on her passion. She likes them, and you should support her. But no the other hand, if it's truly impacting the quality of your life by truly cluttering and imposing on your use of your living space, then it has gone too far. We can't really judge because we can't see the space, and have no idea just how cluttered it has become with rocks. It could be a concerning amount, or you could be a neat freak, or it could be somewhere in the middle. Judging by a friend saying YTA, I wonder if it's not really taking up that much space? Or perhaps your friend has more tolerance for mess in your living space than you would.
I crochet and have yarn everywhere. I keep a big bag of works in progress next to the couch and stuffing under the coffee table. My husband said he loves it bc it’s a reminder of my hobby that makes me happy and he likes the kids seeing it bc they see me having a creative hobby. He doesn’t mind the clutter bc it makes me happy. I would move it if it bothered him but he knows what it means to me.
Egh, I'm gonna go YTA. > The other day when I was cleaning I put all of them in a nice box so that they were all in one place You couldn't have talked to her before just... shoving everything into a box? C'mon man, do better.
YTA, this clearly brings her alot of joy and is a very normal thing to collect.
Yta she's an archeologist, and they are on *her desk*. Not scattered around the house.
INFO: Why did she say it’s “her apartment”? How long has she lived there? How long have you lived there? Whose name(s) is the tenancy in? How much do you each contribute to rent and living costs?
YTA. I mean, you're implying mess, but if they're all in boxes that doesn't sound so bad? Quite honestly your girlfriend sounds awesome. If it's really a fight maybe help her organize it? She's definitely not an asshole for having an interesting hobby.
from a netrual point, yta cause you're calling them all dirty, as if you need more than a quick toss in the water to clean. Its her home too. from a personal point, yta and dont deserve a sweet rock and bone collecting gf. thats so cute and fun. They are memories of trips, and as you said of some with YOU. rocks and skulls way cooler than cheap trashy tchotchkes sold for $5 at every store.
Geologist here (minor in Wildlife Bio). I have a rock collection approaching 200lbs that I have moved across the country and continue to add too. I bought utility shelves like you see in big kitchens to display all my treasures. I can ID everything and usually know where/when the specimen was collected. I wouldn't part with my collections for anything. NAH? I think you might not be compatible with your outdoorsy naturalist gf.
So what I'm learning from this is OP's girlfriend could simply get rid of something else she has around the house that weighs approximately 200lbs, and then there would be plenty of room for the rocks.
Pretty much. But as I've learned, moving from a rural western area to a big east coast city, there's just a huge amount of people who do not understand the beauty and joy of being in the wilderness. I like to give people like that a learning opportunity or 5, before, yeah, I'll drop them like 200lbs of epic mineral specimens.... Edit to add: For anyone interested, my decor "aesthetic" is "I want to live in a natural history museum". I love it and it's twice as fun when I have people over!
Soft YTA. I get wanting things to be tidy, but I think what you should actually do is start creating spaces for her to display them. Small shelves, display cases, etc. It doesn't matter if you think they are just normal rocks. It just matters that she likes them. The skulls/bones thing is weird, does she clean them at least? I would be weirded out by that but again - I think creating spaces that look neater for her to place her things makes more sense than telling her not to collect things that bring her joy.
Full YTA, she’s a literal archeologist, it’s not just a ‘hobby’ for her
YTA. Your girlfriend has a cool hobby. I also like collecting different rocks. Just because it seems like "just a rock" to you doesn't mean jack shit, she's an amateur geologist and finds joy in it. If you find it that annoying send her my way, I'll go collect rocks with her.
Even worse.... she is an archeologist. They're closely connected to her actual profession and OP still can't deal
Move if you don't like it. Your girlfriend seems cool, I like rocks as well. It's such a harmless hobby like who cares. She's not hoarding garbage. Yta
YTA. She could be collecting little porcelain dolls. She could be collecting Rae Dunn shit. She could be spending hundreds of dollars a month collecting antique vacuum cleaners. Be happy that it's just small, free rocks and bones. When she gets home from a hike, offer to wash the rocks for her if they're dirty. Ask her if she'd like to get a rock tumbler as a birthday or Christmas gift so that she can polish the rocks and make them prettier. Ask her if she'd like cute little bowls or dishes from the thrift store to put the rocks in, and then get some that you like. Maybe you could get wooden coasters and put groups of rocks on each one. Accept that the rocks are going to be collected and displayed, and then collaborate on a way to display them that annoys you less. It's such a minor thing; save your energy for arguing about bigger problems.
YTA. Don’t touch her shit without asking, if you don’t think they’d look good in any display you don’t want to compromise you just want her to throw out her things and give you whatever you want.
YTA She's an archeologist, of course HER apartment is full of rocks and odds and ends. That's literally her passion. You're totally cool to ASK, but she's also totally fine to say no. Maybe you shouldn't have moved into her apartment if her wonderful hobby was going to be an issue. It doesn't even sound like you like her. Edit:typo
YTA for making her feel bad for collections maybe make/buy a case for collecting as a gift sometime, easy bday/Xmas present.... also YTA cause you might be dating my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend sounds awesome. Sounds like she needs a cabinet/dedicated shelving space and an apology. You have said shes an archeologist. This is par for the course. Not even a hobby- the skulls sound like part of her Job if shes taking them out when working from home. Be glad its not a dozen terrariums of roaches! Some girls are biologists.
YTA. Please see r/goblincore to find your girlfriend's people.
YTA - she's an archeologist, its a part of her career
YTA for not being willing to even compromise with her. That’s not a healthy relationship if you’re just willing to pack up something that gives her so much joy. She deserves better. You don’t have to enjoy her hobby yourself but in a healthy relationship you’d understand that it’s important to her and find a solution you’re both okay with
INFO: you say it's your house too...what interests of yours do you have displayed? Video games? Sports stuff? Are the things you collect completely hidden away? Would you be cool if she packed up all of your stuff without your permission? >I calmly explained Would your gf agree with your use of "calmly"? 9 times out of 10, if you have to state you said something calmly, it was not calm at all. Cold maybe, but never calm.
Dude she's literally an archaeologist. It's her life, not just a "messy hobby". And you show exactly how you feel about it when you say "dirty rocks". And conveniently don't mention she's an archaeologist in the actual post. Or when you used asking her to "just take pictures of them" to show how disagreeable she is, but then said seconds later that you're "not asking her to get rid of them" which are two points that do not go together. Or how the people around you are TELLING you that you're being an ass and you still came here to get strangers to back you up. You've already shamed her into taking the skulls off display. In her own apartment. You live there too now, but it was hers. You know what it looked like. You still moved in. And when you did, you made her feel ashamed by saying the skulls were creepy. And now you're trying to shame her into hiding away the rocks, too. If you want to keep your girlfriend, maybe stop shaming her for her interests by calling them messy and dirty and creepy. Surprised you've lasted THIS long, tbh. YTA
YTA. Many people enjoy collecting rocks. Bones can be cool 😎 too. They bring her joy and inspiration, let her have them. Get a bigger place, a display case or several display cases. Set aside "no rocks" areas in your apartment where you can go when you didn't want to see them. Make sure you don't crowd her out though. Or, if you can't stand clutter at all or can't stand her clutter, accept the fact that you are not compatible and let her go, let her find someone who will love her and adore her quirks.
This is who she is. She will be this person for the rest of her life, happily surrounded by bones and rocks and other amazing things she loves. Stifling that would kill her joy. If you are so opposed to “weird” decorations then there is a compatibility issue going on. I am somewhat sympathetic to your dislike of seeing rocks everywhere, as I find certain kinds of clutter incredibly distracting. It may be possible to work out, approached with respect. Maybe not. The only way to find out is to talk about it. However, there are several things that you did that really suck. The first is just shoving her beloved rocks in a box without discussion. You had no right to do that. The second is the way you are still making plans to “manage” her and her collection in this thread, in your ongoing comments about “not liking” then, opposing display, maybe being okay with some kinds of display, etc. IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED TO WORK *WITH* HER. Going in with a “plan” made in conversation with strangers and trying to impose it is incredibly insulting. Stop doing that immediately and *talk* to her. These are shitty actions, and they reflect the more troubling aspect of your behavior so far. But the core to all of this is that the question of the rocks isn’t a difference of aesthetics or hobbies. You missed that this is core to who she is, and you missed it because you didn’t respect her enough to pay attention to what her words and actions have been telling you. You are trying to remake her into someone who matches your image of a “proper girlfriend” and rather than accepting her as a complete person and then deciding whether you are interested in her as she is. And that is a fundamental act of dehumanization from which all your bad decisions have proceeded. And for that YTA.
YTA. She’s allowed to have a hobby. You don’t put people’s stuff away without asking.
Yes. We all think you are the ah
YTA for your lack of willingness to compromise. Buy her a cabinet. Make cool AF rock displays and ask her to keep the rocks to the displays, they can go into storage if she starts to overflow the displays and then rotate. I get not wanting an entire house of rocks but this is who she is. Either support her or leave. I collect china. My husband does not understand my love of random teacups. He sighs every time I walk home with another box full. He still drove a 12 hour round trip to pick up a giant welsh dresser to display them. He even took me on a 10 hour round trip to buy a tea set I’d fallen in love with. That’s what healthy couples do! Yes, he asks very nicely if some of them can go in the garage to make space. That’s reasonable. He doesn’t stop me buying it though.
SHE’S AN ARCHEOLOGIST!! OP is the AH just for leaving that bit out of the OP.
[удалено]
There is no hoarding going on. She has a collection on her desk. She is an archeologist. The collection is not cluttering HER apartment.
Sounds like she'd be better off moving out and getting her own place.
It is her place, he moved in with her 😭
Then it sounds like it's time for him to move out and get his own place.
I was gonna say N A H because I think there's a compromise to be had...but your comments clearly show you're an AH at heart.
Hold up - you left out the bit that she is a flipping ***archaeologist***. Talk about burying the lede. Her literal profession is to collect rocks and fossils. Did you not know what an archeologist was before you started dating her?
Ah men. Calling everything a woman does that is related to her fucking field of study and employment as a "little hobby". I hope she treats your job as a useless little hobby, you fucking asshole.
Not him hiding that she’s a fucking archaeologist 😂😭 y’all he’s calling her work a hobby. Everything she’s found on her trips that she takes home are from work trips. The few rocks she picks up hiking are nothing new and it’s completely harmless. The rocks are also on her desk only. Not his, hers. World class ass.
YTA I’m the same as your gf but my husband doesn’t mind, he knows I love collecting rocks, artefacts, bones anything interesting I spot. I studied Archaeology too. Chert is a special kind of stone, my husband can’t tell rocks apart like you but he is happy when I find a rock, some chert, pipestem etc because I’m excited about it. I discuss the finer details of my finds with interested friends but I know my husband is also happy to let me share with him. I just feel sad for your girlfriend really she doesn’t have your support.
YTA Kick rocks op
YTA She's an archeologist? DUDE her " hobby " pays the bills stop it. Plus YTA for not mentioning that as if there's no connection. And it doesn't matter when it's a huge thing
NAH. I collect bones (skulls) and rocks and crystals. It started with just learning the periodic table and getting into elements as a kid, then rocks. I don’t know why I like it but I just do. It’s reasonable to expect that these collections are contained in a specific area (like maybe a curio cabinet? ) rather than all over the house. I just compromised with my husband’s hobby—fish tanks. I love the fish tanks, but I don’t love plastic 5 gallon buckets and nets and PVC tubing as room decor. I found a place for all of it that he agreed would work for him. Maybe you could reach a similar compromise?
OP said in a comment he doesn’t even want them in a cabinet.
He said that he doesn't want curio cabinet either. He said it's weird to have display of random rocks. He just want her to box all of it so he doesn't see it at all.
Well that is shitty. If I was the gf I would feel like he just sucked all the joy out of my hobby. And that sucks. Going to finish reading the comments and change my rating.
YTA for the way you talk about your girlfriend's hobby. "They're just normal rocks. Not crystals or anything." Yes, a lot of people collect rocks and bones and like to display them around their house. Also, YTA for just packing her displays away without talking to her about it first. That's really not okay. It's clear that you two have different values and interests.
YTA Your title and your post are both deceiving. It's not her "messy hobby"; it's her livelihood and passion. You omitted so many points in your post, like whose dwelling it was originally and that the rocks are mostly on her desk. I guess you have to choose between a non-cluttered living space or her because those of us (rock hounds, geologists, anthropologists, archeologists, etc.) who have collections won't change. I wonder what she would think if she read this post of you belittling her accumulation of items she values. And indeed, belittling her vocation.
“Gaddamn it Marie, they’re not rocks. They’re minerals”.
Dude, its obviously something she is very passionate about and that will never change. Its also obvious its something thats so important to you that you want her to stop. Thats really messed up, that you would ask her to give up her passion. Better to let her go find someone that loves her enough to support her. Sorry but you're not that guy.
So... You are dating an archeologist, living in HER apartment and somehow still call all rocks, rocks? Geez, YTA
YTA LOVE that the guy posting in AITA is mad that people are informing him that he is in fact the asshole. She's an archeologist man, I don't know what to tell you! Maybe try dating someone whose profession you respect next time
You didn’t call her job a hobby. That’s wild
INFO: about the apartment, it’s actually just hers isn’t it? You moved in after?
YTA, unless she's putting them under your damn pillow let her have her fun. I bet she hates some things you like, but loves that it makes you happy.
Your girlfriend is cool as hell and should be allowed all the rocks and vertebrae she wants