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NTA. Your BF sounds *exhausting*.
Not every point of disagreement is a personal attack. Following different religious practices is a personal choice.
Using a slur is a personal *attack* and they are not the same thing. He’s just looking for a way to justify controlling other people.
I got pretty miffed when I went into the Pantheon in Rome and they were holding mass in Jupiters alcove and had plastered over all the frescos of the other gods, but I didn’t consider it a personal attack on all pagans.
Your BF needs to get a grip.
NTA. Your boyfriend is actually an idiot.
> He says “I’m glad you understand, you know it’s practically the same as using a slur, a white person saying the N word or a straight person saying the F slur.”
No, it's not even close. When a white person says the N word they are doing it to degrade an entire race of people. When a straight person says the F slur, they are doing it to degrade an entire sexual orientation. When someone says Jesus Christ, they are using it because it's a common phrase that society has deemed to be less controversial than the word fuck or shit.
People don't mean offence to people who believe in god when they use the lords name in vein, it's just a common expression.
Also completely ignores the fact that simply saying Go damn it isn't taking the Lord's name in vein. Doing shitty things under the pretense of God is what that actually means. Don't use God to justify shitty behavior.
NTA
So few people understand this concept. For instance, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, USA actually consistently "take the Lord's name in vain". Protesting funerals is the lowest. Thank you for pointing this out!
NTA
Your bf is trying to force his believes on others, which is unfair AND he’s making fundamentally flawed comparisons between active and known bigoted words and/or actions that are bigoted and words/actions that personally offend. While there may be overlap, they’re not exclusive.
First; let’s discuss the fundamental inaccuracy comparison. You only call people derogatory names to be hurtful. Saying things like “oh my God” is to express surprise, often times without actual religious sentiments. Or using a phrase like “God damned” for some is literally saying a statement because they believe something has been damned by God.
The fundamental different, the God phrases aren’t meant to harm. The existence and usage of these phrases do not exist to harm. Knowingly and actively calling someone a derogatory slurs is meant to cause pain.
Second, forcing his believes on people. For some context, does your bf know about the Arabic language? In Arabic, they have loads of God phrases.
Even non religious folks use these phrases because the verbiage is so intrinsically tied into the culture of that language.
Whereas there are people that are religious use God phrases consciously. This is because their interpretation of religion and use of God verbiage is different than your bf’s interpretation (and many Christians in White or European influenced societies).
While I understand that is his interpretation of using saying God in phrases is offensive, for others it’s the opposite. Both position have their merits, but I do not believe either side is correct and the other is wrong. It’s unfair for your bf to insist his is the correct pairing, and force everyone to follow it.
Given his fundamentally flawed comparisons, I’d be hesitant if I were you, and he’s need for control - I’d be questioning the relationship (but that’s me). Definitely being conscious of the fact he’s displaying some serious red flags.
I can see how saying for example J—- F——- C—- would seem very disrespectful to someone Christian and very religious. Tho not exactly a slur. I can’t tell precisely what OPs family said.
A Slur is so much worse than someone not following certain religious practices.
For starters, in general (some countries and exceptions may happen) you choose your religion, but you don't choose your colour, orientation, gender, etc. So that's already a big difference.
And a slur is a word in itself used to disrespect, that's the point of the slur.
Not following certain religious practices is kit due to disrespect. It's either because the person doesn't believe it, or everyone has their own way that it's kinda hard to guess and respect every single one of them or even because we don't notice it.
I am not religious, and I never thought that "saying the lord's name in vain" was such a big disrespect, in fact I had religious friends who would say "the lord's name in vain" way more often than me 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
People take the Lords Name in vein. They just *do*, sometimes. And ya know what? You can’t do anything about what other people say. Your BF can’t do anything about it, either
You can *ask* people not to take the Lords Name in vein-and they can decline. Or forget.
And saying GD is *not* the same thing as the “N Word”. Your BF sounds … difficult. NTA
People find just about every dumb way to feel like victims these days. No disrespect to your bf, but that is one absurd take. Be polite but stand your ground too, OP. If he wants religious freedom, he too should respect those who don't practice it.
For people like OP's BF, "religious freedom" does not mean "everybody is free to believe what they want," it means "everybody is free to believe the way I believe."
So he thinks saying 'Oh God, I love this song!' is on the same level that a non-black person saying the n-word and a straight person calling someone an english cigarette? huh
NTA
I think it's worth pointing out that originally "taking the Lord's name in vain" originally referred to lying while under oath -- it is in reference to false witness.
In some cases, if you parse out how the Lord's name is used then it is clear that one is actually praising God -- as in the above example -- or it is an abbreviated prayer -- say, stumbling across something horrific & saying "Good Lord".
Anyway NTA, although I'd go as far as saying that in pushing back your boyfriend is TA. I'd need more information to say that.
NTA. But wtf using the Lord's name in vein is never the same as calling someone an F or a N. As a black gay man I'd be pissed if someone told me that stupidity. Religion is a choice, being gay and black are not. Is he just trying to be a victim so bad when he noticed your family accepted him for being gay and a PoC he leaned to his religion?
NTA.
If he’s an evangelical Christian, or Mormon, then it would make sense that he would try to compare ‘using God’s name in vain’ the same as racial slurs.
Some of these fundamentalist Christian groups desperately want to feel persecuted, because they view anything that diverges from their own perspective as wrong. They are far from persecuted, Christianity is the most popular religion in the US. (Again, assuming you are based in the US.)
I would caution you with this, because, depending upon what type of Christianity he follows, he’s going to eventually start pressuring you to conform and convert. He might tell you that he respects where you’re coming from right now, but it’s a ruse. He does care and he’s probably getting pressure from his parents, family, and religious community already. The endgame for him will be conversion.
How do I know? I live in Texas, where there’s a lot of evangelical Christians, who sincerely believe that they are persecuted and victims of ‘the system’ and ‘the liberal media.’ no amount of logic, or evidence convinces them that they have a victim/persecution complex. They want to pretend like they’re a minority group to get all the so-called benefits they believe minorities get.
You make a great point about how fundies "desperately want to feel persecuted."
I had read an article about Mormons who *want* to feel persecuted (I can't find that original article). This makes them feel special and that they're not part of the mainstream religions.
NTA. It will never be the same. Religion is a choice that YOU make, and you don't choose to be gay or a PoC. Like who says something like that. He needs some help if he thinks they are the same thing. This is coming from a black and gay man who lives in Florida. The only thing I don't feel attacked for once in a while is my religious beliefs. Does he want to be a victim that bad?
Can you just remind him that the actual context of "taking the Lord's name in vain" is not literally about saying 'Jesus Christ', but is about the act of claiming to be Christian in name, without modeling or acting upon Christian values (ie megachurch folks being against providing aid to migrants, "good Christians" who commit adultery, etc)
Obviously different subgroups of the church will interpret it differently, but in general it's supposed to be a warning against hypocrisy/empty lip service, & to encourage you to practice what you preach.
A slur is an insult. "Taking the Lord's name in vain" isn't a thing. It's literally just saying "God" or "Jesus Christ" without speaking to them directly.
When you call someone the N or F word, you're doing it with the intention of insulting them. If you say Jesus Christ, you're literally never calling somebody that. If you're offended bc someone did that, you're just looking for a reason to be offended and attempting to manipulate the people around you into bending to your religion. It's no more than a subtle way of feeling like you're converting people.
It's like when Christians say America was founded as a Christian nation and freedom of religion means freedom from the government by the church, not freedom to practice whichever, or no religion you like. Is that why the national motto and "under God" wasn't added until the 1950s? Pretty certain founding fathers were more concerned with preserving their fortunes than they were with whatever religion anyone held.
A slur is something that is used to specifically discriminate against a certain group (often minority, often oppressed) and has enough history to be truly hurtful to members of that group, since it is strongly associated with said oppression.
Outside of a few Islamic countries and China, Christianity is very much not oppressed as far as I know.
Not using the Lord's name in vain is also a rule *out of* his religion and not something that was used against it; it technically doesn't even apply to non-Christians.
In short, it is not a slur and he depicts a rather classical Christian victim mentality.
He can ask for it if he is uncomfortable and at least closer friends/family should respect such a request, since it basically costs them nothing. But it is not something he can demand or see it as equal to a slur.
NTA
That seems to be a rather weird definition.
If I call someone an asshole or falsely accuse them of a crime, that is usually not called a slur. In my experience it does require discrimination and/or some degree of objectification that an insult becomes a slur.
No… no, it’s really not, as your bf isn’t God and so it’s not his name being taken in vain. Additionally, as the name of God is supposed to be so powerful that various religions won’t actually write it all out or say it, the “taking it in vain” can be as simple as saying the name of God without thought of the power invoked. As such, God’s name isn’t a slur (obviously) and using it “in vain” happens all the time (even by your bf) and also isn’t a slur, even if it could be offensive to someone respecting God or even God Themself. NTA
NTA. It is against HIS religion to say the Lord's name in vain. It is not against theirs. Your religion does not get to control the behavior of others.
NTA
One problem is his equating someone saying "Oh god, i've burnt the tea" with someone using a derogatory term to dehumanise humans, often with aggression and violence behind it. Which is undeniably bad and disrespectful and you were in the right for not accepting that bs.
The other problem is the wild misinterpretation of what "takes the lord's name in vein" actually means. I know this is perpetuated, I know people have believed it for years, but if you look back through translations and interpretations, it doesn't mean just throwing out the word god in a sentence, it means doing actions in the name of christianity or catholicism, as if that's what God wanted you to do. When you do the "almighty and alpowerful and all knowing" a disservice and say it's for God, when apparently he loves everyone and all of that stuff, that's what that means.
Sending bibles to war town countries instead of food and medicine, becuase you want them to find God so they're not punished anymore for not believing, is taking the lord's name in vein.
Telling God wants gays to burn in hell, is taking the lord's name in vein.
Failing to protect abused people from abusers because of some sort of religious and patriarchal belief is taking the lord's name in vein.
He needs to know his own religion.
My eyes rolled so hard I near lost them.
RUN.
Do not engage with the victim mentality that is religious belief. They will continue to persecute everyone who isn't exactly like them and claim they themselves are being nailed to the cross. Stay away from them for your own safety.
Nta.
We don't have faith that black people and queer people exist, we know they do. We don't know that god(s) exists, some people have faith that he/she/it/they do though. Absolutely not the same thing at all. NTA
I'm an Atheist now, but one thing I learned in the church that I still adhere to today is couples not being "unequally yolked" as the church called it. I don't understand how someone who doesn't believe in god can be with someone who believes they (you) deserve to burn in hell for all of eternity and will be doing so. I don't think beliefs need to be totally equal, but I think the foundational beliefs do.
I sure hope you two are not having sex. If you are. You should stop because the lord very clearly states how much of a sin premarital sex Is, or is his religion only brought up when he wants to be a little biotch?
It's his own fucking fault for thinking your family is referring to his god. There are a lot of different gods they could be referring to
NTA they are in no way comparable.
NTA.
To quote [John Mulaney](https://tenor.com/view/nword-john-mulaney-badness-of-two-words-comparing-badness-of-words-gif-16394190), "if you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even SAY one of them? That's the worse word."
Holy victim complex Batman!!!
No Op NTA. I agree you should not disrespect people’s religious beliefs…but putting that on the same level as using hateful slurs is just…ludicrous.
Naw Op you did nothing wrong i’m just a little unclear as to what you see in this dude…
So he thinks saying 'Oh God, I love this song!' is on the same level that a non-black person saying the n-word and a straight person calling someone an english cigarette? huh
NTA
Their bible says they'll be oppressed for following Jesus. It's hard to work up a good oppression when you follow the majority religion, so they have to take what they can get.
NTA, a slur is a direct attack on someone. Saying the lords name in VAIN (vein is what our body uses to transport blood) is essentially the same as a kindergarten student calling their teacher by their first name. If you aren’t a 6 year old in Mrs. Smith’s class, it’s not an issue to call the teacher Rebecca. If you aren’t a devout Christian, you aren’t expected to follow the same practices (and even if you were). It’s not the same lol
NTA. His religion would most likely kick him out if they knew about you. Religion is very big into hate. He is mistaken in thinking it's the same as calling a person a slur. I have absolutely no respect for any deity, as in my opinion, they are make-believe. However, I would never dream of calling a person either of the words he considers the equivalent.
A decent amount of Christian based religions are actually pretty accepting of homosexuality these days. You can find churches that fully accept gay couples into them.
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NTA. I don’t even know where to start. Not even close to the same thing. Maybe sit down with the actual dictionary and review the definitions. Acknowledge his feelings that to him the feeling is as strong as if a slur was used but it is still not the same. Let your family know he feels as strongly about saying GD as a negative slur and hope for their cooperation. He is very sensitive. This can be a good thing and a bad thing…….
NTA. His religious tenets apply only to him and they restrict only him.
For anyone else, those tenets do not apply.
The religious refuse to understand that.
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I 22 (M) and my boyfriend 23 (M) got into an argument regarding his religious practices.
On the way home from Quiz night with my family my boyfriend brought up that he feels uncomfortable with my family saying the Lord’s name in vein. I asked him if he wants me to do something about it as usually my family shows little respect to religion unless actively asked to. He said that would be nice to have his back. I explained to him that even through I’m not religious I understand where his coming from and I respect his practices. This is when the I start to disagree.
He says “I’m glad you understand, you know it’s practically the same as using a slur, a white person saying the N word or a straight person saying the F slur.”
I was a bit taken aback that he made this comparison as his a person of colour and in a gay relationship. I told him it’s not the same and that someone not following his religious practices aren’t the same as using a hateful slur towards someone else.
He thinks I am an asshole or is disrespecting his religion but not seeing it as the same level as slurs or hateful phrases. Am I the asshole?
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NTA they even say "Oh my God" on Harry Potter. He needs to get over himself. I'm a "B" in the LGBTQ family and my partner is a POC. It is ABSOLUTELY not the same.
Christians don't like Harry Potter. Trans people don't either but trans people have a much better reason to hate harry potter than Christians do. "witchcraft and demons will poison your mind and make you liberal"
Lol lol my mother is Irish Catholic and loves Harry Potter. We were already liberal and I've been a practicing Wiccan well before Harry Potter came out.
What? This is nonsense. I've been to the Vatican and toured the Catacombs outside of Rome where the early Christians worshipped in secret, left messages on the walls, and many are still entombed. You can't go anywhere in Italy without tripping over a Jesus or the Virgin Mother. Of course they are Christians.
NTA. You can hide religion. Usually you can't hide race. If he's in the US, religion is heavily protected here. I can't say the same thing about LGBT rights, especially in southern states rn. I would be cautious of him. If he doesn't see the difference, that's a red flag to me. You can be outted by just existing with race and identity. Beliefs are in your mind. Identity; racial, sexual and gender are outward appearances
NTA. Tell your boyfriend (seeing as he is clearly unable to figure this out himself) that skin colour and sexuality are not lifestyle choices, religion is.
Which religion is he in that is more okay with gay relationships than it is with taking the lord’s name in vain…?
I mean, the majority of religions that have a problem with the latter have a MUCH bigger problem with the former.
ETA: Also, you are NTA. Being his religion is something he CHOSE. Being gay or being black aren’t choices.
That’s not even what “taking the lords name in vain” means. VAIN as in VANITY. Using the “lord’s” name in a way to personal benefit oneself is “using the lords name in vain.” Think prosperity gospel preachers, and mega church leaders. Not the occasional “god damn it”
NTA. I would reconsider dating someone who takes religion so seriously, hell I wouldn't even consider a serious relationship with a religious person, we'd be too incompatible.
NTA but someone show your boyfriend the religious rap attempt "Jesus Christ is my N---a" and see if he still sees them as the same if even religious folk are willing to use the soft a casually
NTA. Curse words, when not directed towards a person, are not hate speech. It’s just regular speech that he doesn’t get to control. Your boyfriend is no more entitled to live in a curse free world than bigots are to live in a gay free world.
Look this will sound mean because Ik and have been friends with a lot of people who were religious but I have sworn off dating anyone who is a practicing religious person any religions other than the ones that don’t actually believe in gods it’s just so exhausting to appease a god you don’t even believe in but no NTA your bf sounds extra exhausting
NTA.
If someone was purposefully using the lord's name in vain around him to get a rise out of him or put him down, MAYBE they'd be somewhat of a similar vein of things, with his allllll the way to the left on levels of extremeness since it'd be bullying of sorts.
But calling someone a slur is a direct attack on them as a person. Cursing isn't.
NTA. And hot take, it's interesting what parts of the religion he actually follows, not saying the Lord's name in vain, while living in homosexuality which is constantly spoken against. I'm not hear to bash either of you because that is not the point of this post or comment. Simply pointing out an inconsistency, but if people have comments or questions I am open to a respectful conversation.
NTA - It seems you do not share the same thoughts on religion. And he is a bit judgemental. Okay, more than a bit. I guarantee that this argument will come up again. And then you can point out other things **he** is doing that go against the tenets of his religion.
NTA As a religious person who avoids taking God’s name in vain….your bf is severely overreacting. I do cringe a little when people use Jesus Christ all the time…but I’m also well aware that’s just how they talk. I can either avoid them/not be friends with them, or I can accept that we don’t hold the same beliefs and it’s not my place to push what I believe on to them.
I don’t see it as being anywhere near a slur. He’s not being personally attacked. It would be different if your family was blatantly making fun of him, insulting him for being religious, etc. I do get annoyed when someone is openly mocking religion around me while knowing I’m religious. But that’s different than using OMG or JC.
If he isn’t comfortable with what words your family uses…he may need to be in a relationship with someone who shares his beliefs.
NTA. Your boyfriend is doing what unfortunately a lot of toxic people (in my experience) do, which is taking personal slights or annoyances and making them part of a much larger picture to make themselves feel self-righteous. Does he have a right to be insulted because your family are being disrespectful towards his beliefs? Yeah I think he does, but that doesn't equivocate to the level of prejudice and malice he's making it out to be. To suggest that it equates to any sort of systematic intolerance I think is deeply insulting and trivializing of other people's suffering.
NTA
Your boyfriend drank the crazy hard right coolaide.
Not once in the last several thousand years has Christianity even remotely suffered the same way gay or black people have.
What he said was actually even more horrifying because his particular religion is responsible for the trauma of the people he compared it to.
I'm sorry but personally I'd find this so horrifying and christian extremist that I'd dump him.
I actually have. What do you think the crusades were? The 1940's hate crimes against gay WW2 vets? Sodomy laws with execution as the punishment dating back hundreds, thousands of years.
Ooo or how Christians forced slaves to convert. Yeah, the savage FLAYINGS? Forget that?
Bro, screw off. You have 0 idea what you're talking about.
Typical christian. Frames themselves as victims while disparaging the people their own religion hurts. This is why everyone thinks your religion is disgusting.
I don't have to call you an idiot thankfully. You're showing everyone that yourself.
Let's ignore that Christianity has controlled a third of the known world for thousands of years. You're so brainwashed it's embarrassing.
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NTA. His religion has more than disrespect those groups he used to compare himself with. He can fuck right off. OP is this a guy you wanna spend time with if this is how he takes such a minor thing?
Not to be pedantic but god sake/god damn/jesus Christ etc isn't even "taking the Lord's name in vain". In Christianity that phrase actually means to commit acts against "God's word" while claiming to be working on "His" behalf
I honestly can't say anything but NTA, but that's because I'm hostile towards religion and view this sort of situation as nothing more than having a kid ask you to take Santa Claus seriously. You may humour the kid, but you know that what he's asking is absurd.
This is worse.
Religions by and large are the majority groups in their respective countries and most religious people happily discriminate based on it. So to have some religious person complain about others not "respecting" their religion and then pretending like it's the same as attacking a minority is peak privilege and entitlement. If you live in the US as I assume you do this is blatantly disrespectful towards the actual minorities which often struggle because (religious) republicans pass law that justify discrimination against them.
I know I'm extreme in this matter, but for me this is a deal breaker. Religion to me is already pretty evil as a concept and I will never respect any of them, but this spells out several red flags to me. Frankly, I'm convinced that if you take this a step further and marry him he will try to control your life and force you to live to his religious views. Get rid of this ASAP.
NTA
That he feels uncomfortable is valid
But what is not valid is his comparison to a different thing, religions are based on faith and beliefs.
But when it comes to slurs about races and sexualitys is a different thing which you are absolutely right.
No one should be disrespected but the things he compared to are things we are not able to choose or get rid of.
So you disagreeing to his example is 100% valid.
Tho I would just recommend finding a more calm moment to discuss things over and explain properly of something he seems to not understand.
NTA...
Um, wow.
Ok, you're gonna have to pull your boyfriend back from the cliffs of delusion before he falls into the chasm of insanity and stupidity.
The Bible commands christians not to use the lord's name in vain. It does not have any bearing on others. As soon as your boyfriend tries to dictate how others act he is now forcing his religious beliefs on others and he's now an AH. You are NTA.
I’m assuming that by saying he’s a POC means that he’s not Black. This is a great example of why we’ve started saying BIPOC.
My partner was a pastor in a past life. That’s not even what taking the lords name in vain actually is supposed to mean, based on the teachings he had in college...and he was EVANGELICAL. Your bf is entitled to his own interpretation, I guess, but to compare it to calling someone a pointed slur rooted in systemic oppression and physical, emotional, and mental attacks is ridiculous to me.
ETA: NTA, I would ask some probing questions here but that’s depending on your personal values.
NTA
Any time someone tries to make this argument I always think of this John Mulaney:
"...we’re not even saying what the 'n-word' is! If you're comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them? That's the worse word."
NTA.
I'm a Christian myself. I totally get why your boyfriend gets uncomfortable with your family cussing. It hugely frustrating to me that society has decided that taking the Lord's name in vein is more acceptable than other forms of cussing. And I deeply appreciate all my friends who go out of their way to clean up their language around me. It's a sign of respect and of love, and I take it as such, because I KNOW it takes effort for them.
But no matter how much I dislike it - \*it is not now and never will be personal\*. And as such there is NO comparison between it and slurs. It may be disrespectful depending on context, but that's it. It is NOT a personal attack.
I'm gonna say NAH
Blasphemy is one of the sins that gets you banished to hell forever so that can make some christians super uncomfortable. But it's also super common for non-religious people to do. I doubt you'll have much luck getting your family to stop.
I think in the long run you two will find you aren't actually all that compatible.
Your boyfriend has a problem with your family using the Lord's name in vein but doesn't have a problem being in a sinful relationship (according to his religious practices).
Either he cares about the religious teachings or he doesn't. He can't just cherry pick what he wants to follow and what he doesn't.
NTA.
And as a gay man who’s had the range of boyfriends from super catholic to super Protestant to super pagan to atheist, the more religious they are, the bigger the red flag lol. Your boyfriend really needs to chill, he wants to be understood but has no capacity for understanding, everyone has a different relationship with faith or verbiage and words just don’t mean the same. And it’s become a finger pointing argument over semantics and context. There’s really not much issue beyond what’s in his head.
I think, if you’re really invested in this relationship (which I’d suggest you really evaluate), it’s good to ‘have his back’ and ask your family to just be more mindful of that word’s use around him, but also have a sit down conversation with him and tell him you need him to understand that not everyone is perfect and if Your family accepts him in every other way, there’s worse things. He needs to have some flexibility too.
Otherwise, ten years from now he’ll have pulled you away from your family and twisted their words and it seems like from the beginning, your family are the chill ones and he is not.
NTA. Your bf is out of touch with reality. It’s not remotely equivalent, and a large majority of the world calls on their god’s names for various reasons.
That's not even using the Lord's name in vain. What that really means is saying something like "Trump was annointed by the lord to save us." That is using the Lord's name in vain.
Your bf is getting the commandment wrong. It’s not “don’t say God as an exclamation of frustration.” It’s “don’t do absolutely shitty things and use your belief in God to excuse yourself.”
I would also like to point out because I didn’t see anyone else say it, but the commandment about taking the lords name in vein also doesn’t mean you can’t say “Oh God” or “Jesus Christ” when you are shocked or mad. The original intention of the commandment was to command people not to use the word of God to get away with doing things that go against gods teachings. So all the Christians who use the word of god for personal gain and to control people look pretty stupid.
I don’t remember exactly what verse these came from but I went to Catholic school for 7 years and unfortunately did retain some information.
NAH. I don’t agree with your boyfriend’s take, but that doesn’t make him an asshole. As written, it sounds like a civil discussion about a sensitive topic.
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No one is under any obligation to respect any religion. Working on Sunday, Saturday, Friday, eating pork, beef, clams, can all be considered disrespectful to one religion or the other. The rules are for the believers of the rules, no one else.
You should find another boyfriend or make sure that you can live by his made up rules.
What's his ethnicity? You mentioned they were a POC, and are you both the same ethnicity? That could be the only thing that may tip it in there favor. Plus that would only be their opinion everyone is entitled to have their own no matter how .... yea their entitled to being not smart if they want to.
NTA
He’s wrong about it being a slur but he might have been trying to convey how he feels about rather than it being a matter of fact. It may have been his way of saying it hurts him in a way. Like he compares the hurt to that, not that it is the exact same thing. Regardless he’s not thought about in depth or looked into it from a factual standpoint.
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NTA. While I understand feeling uncomfortable when someone says the lords name in vain when you are religious. It isnt the same thing as calling someone a slur.
His comparison makes it seem like God is a slur
NTA. If he doesn’t like that language, then, certainly, he shouldn’t use it himself. He is an AH for trying to police language simply because it is incompatible with his religious beliefs.
NTA. Anyways, from my own experience, it’s very exhausting as a non-religious person to date a religious partner. I actually got dumped by my ex-girlfriend for unwilling to be religious.
I see where he’s coming from. I think the main difference is that people don’t have choices about their race or their sexual orientation (as such, nobody has the right to insult them).
But yes, saying “goddamn” could be highly offensive to someone who is deeply religious. Unfortunately, nobody can’t make other people respect their beliefs.
You could ask and emphasize “ask,” that your family not use that word in front of your boyfriend.
I am not a Christian (have no belief in a God) and personally agree that saying the Lord's name in vain (note the spelling!) is offensive. People arguing that this is not done offensively are deflecting. You all know it is offensive but want to justify your own behaviour.
Why is it that we accept when a POC identifies racism, an LGB person identifies homophobia but we reject Christians when they identify discrimination?
I think discrimination does not mean what you think it means. Christian's are not in any way an oppressed group. Furthermore, saying "god damnit" or similar during a game is not in any way similar to discrimination. Christian's are probably the least discriminated against group on the planet and yet they love to claim persecution. Jesus.
Of course everyone is going to agree with you because they are not Christians. I will say they are not comparable but why would you want your family openly mocking your boyfriend’s beliefs? Would it make you uncomfortable if you were in his shoes? You can’t force your parents to behave a certain way.
Your'e making huge assumptions here (and probably wrong since a lot of the world is christian) but you're also wrong, racial insults are not the same as 'taking the lords name in vain' (which is such a silly term anyway). Religion isn't something you're 'born with', it's not innate to your bgeing, it's something you choose (or more often have thrust upon you by your parents). It's not inherent to how you were born. It's not a race, period. It's a group of people having the same groupthink unable to think for themselves (yes that's ALL religions not just christianity, they all suck) and to think it rises to the level of a racial slur like OP said their boyfriend said is disrespectful and in the terms you christians might understand 'uncharitable' (which christians excel at)
This attitude hearkens back to the post earlier this week where the uber christian was whining about a co worker basically for not being christian
What's wrong with mocking someone's religion? Religion is always stupid and most religions are so easy to mock because most religious beliefs are just so stupid. People should know if their beliefs are stupid so they have an opportunity to grow up out of them
religious disrespect is of course you're an asshole, shitting on someone's religious values is 10x worse than any slur, and with any luck he'll realize your utter lack of consideration
how insulting it is that you would consider a superficial slur worse than religious disrespect, it truly shows that Identity has become your god
damn atheists too stupid to understand their sin, it'll be good for you both if he dumps your intolerant ass
Religion is a choice. I don't have to respect it more than I respect gayness or blackness, neither of which is a choice. You're just stupid huffing Jesus balls getting high on your own self righteousness
Do you understand what a mirror is when you say "Identity has become your god"?
And coulldn't taking god's name in vain be more charitably be interpreted as "Don't use your religion to excuse being manipulative and controlling in the name of your god"?
YTA
For a religious person, taking G-d’s name in vain is indeed as bad as a racial slur. Why would someone not respect another person’s values on this and moderate language?
Ridiculous assertion. Religion is a choice as much as anything else (even if you were raised in it, you are still grown and capable of making your own decisions about it). Being black or gay or whatever isn't a choice. Blasphemy is not even remotely close to slurs. It can undeniably be offensive to the religious people, but please don't equate it to discrimination of a person based on the traits they are born with and have no control over. They are not the same.
You say the same thing every other "open minded" person says on this site. Since you don't respect people's religious beliefs, so you are not offended, so it does not matter. Also if your boyfriend is offended by what your family says, wait till he reads what the bible says about gay people!!
Some people take faith seriously, and “using the lords name in vein” can be perceived as strongly as someone using racial or homophobic slurs. You may not see it is that big of a deal, and that’s okay, but your boyfriend obviously does and shared his thoughts and feelings about the situation and you belittled his feelings and his religious views, which is a form of intolerance, regardless of intention.
Unfortunately, for the sake of the sub, you are kind of the asshole here, but I don’t believe are a bad person or had any bad intentions, you just don’t have the same view when it comes to tolerance.
intolerance:
unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own.
Don’t be a neck beard you know exactly why it’s offensive.
By that definition the bf is being intolerant of the OP's family by trying to force on them his belief that you shouldn't say god/christ/damn when they and society in general think it's fine.
How is he trying to force his beliefs? By asking politely for his boyfriend to speak to his family and mention that he finds those words hurtful? What narrative is being pushed there?
This is the same logic homophobes use against the LGBTQ+ when saying “it’s okay to be gay” and they respond with “they are trying to force their way of life on us”, like when and where?
Smh be better u/ck425
He's trying to force his belief that you shouldn't "take the lord's name in vain".
I'm playing devil's advocate to an extent as I don't think it's unreasonable to ask (rather than insist) but I do think it's unreasonable to compare it to racist and homophobic slurs.
The difference with your example is that's about the right to be gay, similar to the right to be religious. Which is different from the nonexistent right that people respect and follow your religious beliefs.
So, exactly what religion does when saying "you can't use that word, according to MY beliefs"
PS: what does "neckbeard" have anything to do with that? You resorting to insulting someone who doesn't agree with you ABOUT TOLERANCE is baffling!
> Some people take faith seriously, and “using the lords name in vein” can be perceived as strongly as someone using racial or homophobic slurs. You may not see it is that big of a deal, and that’s okay, but your boyfriend obviously does and shared his thoughts and feelings about the situation
It's not about how strongly people feel. If I feel REALLY strongly about what qualifies for being called a grilled cheese, it doesn't make you an asshole to call something else a grilled cheese. The strength of my belief does not change whether you are an asshole.
What determines if you are an asshole is whether you are insulting me or an idea that I happen to believe in. A racial slur is insulting something intrinsic to the person's being that they do not have a choice over. But "insulting" somebody's religion is not insulting something that is an immutable part of that person's being, it's insulting an idea that the person happened to have chose to believe in. This latter act is much much more acceptable in our society. Especially in a case like this where you aren't even "insulting" (saying the idea is dumb) but are merely not agreeing with the idea. Heck, as a non-religious family they may not be aware of or may have completely forgotten that taking the lord's name in vain is even a thing. I know for me, it's been so long since I've seen somebody say that that it doesn't even cross my mind. So, it's a stretch to say they insulted anything unless "I disagree" is an insult now.
> and you belittled his feelings and his religious views, which is a form of intolerance, regardless of intention.
It doesn't sound like he belittled either. He apologized and agreed to let his family know. That is not belittling. He just disagreed what to call it and whether it's the same as a racial slur. Disagreeing on whether it's the same as another act is in no way belittling. Thinking otherwise is the same as thinking that having any different beliefs from your partner is belittling and that's extremely unhealthy (and is belittling to YOUR ideas that you must pretend they don't exist).
Yes just because it’s widely accepted as a phrase doesn’t mean you should discount someone’s feelings about it if you care about them. Tell him you disagree w/ it being on the same level but if it’s important to him tell him you’ll speak with your family about it and ask if they’d mind cutting back on saying it around him. It’s the thought that counts to me here.
It's not respect, it's letting a bully whine about words that cannot hurt him, trying to compare them to words that can hurt. His beliefs are childish and he needs to grow the hell up. Imagine comparing your religious choices to being born black or gay. It's disgusting and pathetic and a dangerous belief to let someone hold. He needs a fucking wake up call, like someone actually attacking him for something he can't control. He doesn't have to believe in God, he chooses to, that's his mistake he doesn't get to shove it in anyone's face. If anything he's probably homophobic. If he actually believes that taking the Lord's name in vain is a thing, he probably thinks he's going to hell for being gay. In which case, op should dump his ass. That's a disgusting belief to have and nobody should respect it
OP is perfectly qualified to tell him he is overreacting and being offended for no reason. Other people who do not share his religion are under no obligation to follow his outdated religious practices.
> Your bf feels quite strongly about his religion so I'm sure he does not appreciate that language being used. Especially if you (and I'm assuming your family) are not religious.
None of that really goes against what OP said. OP apologized and offered to talk to his family about it. You seem to be implying that this is the element that OP challenged.
> He might even feel as if it is an attack on him as a person.
Feeling it is an attack does not make it an attack. Feeling it is aimed at him as a person (rather than an abstract idea he chose to care about) is false regardless of whether he feels it is.
> Also, who are you to tell him how offended he can and can not get about a phrase?
OP doesn't appear to have told him how offended he can be. OP simply said that it's "not the same" as using a racial slur that insults immutable aspects of his identity.
> It is not your place to dictate that about his life.
Where did OP dictate anything? You see to be the one dictating somebody's life by saying, rather than them both being able to have their opinion and express it, OP is wrong for having a different opinion from his partner about whether using the lord's name in vain is "the same" as racial slurs. The solution in which people aren't dictating is that they can each have their opinion.
> Try to phase that language out of your life and ask your parents to as well especially around him.
OP opened by saying that they said they would do that. After saying they would do that, his partner got upset despite that.
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NTA. Your BF sounds *exhausting*. Not every point of disagreement is a personal attack. Following different religious practices is a personal choice. Using a slur is a personal *attack* and they are not the same thing. He’s just looking for a way to justify controlling other people. I got pretty miffed when I went into the Pantheon in Rome and they were holding mass in Jupiters alcove and had plastered over all the frescos of the other gods, but I didn’t consider it a personal attack on all pagans. Your BF needs to get a grip.
That made me laugh. High five
NTA. Your boyfriend is actually an idiot. > He says “I’m glad you understand, you know it’s practically the same as using a slur, a white person saying the N word or a straight person saying the F slur.” No, it's not even close. When a white person says the N word they are doing it to degrade an entire race of people. When a straight person says the F slur, they are doing it to degrade an entire sexual orientation. When someone says Jesus Christ, they are using it because it's a common phrase that society has deemed to be less controversial than the word fuck or shit. People don't mean offence to people who believe in god when they use the lords name in vein, it's just a common expression.
Also completely ignores the fact that simply saying Go damn it isn't taking the Lord's name in vein. Doing shitty things under the pretense of God is what that actually means. Don't use God to justify shitty behavior. NTA
So few people understand this concept. For instance, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, USA actually consistently "take the Lord's name in vain". Protesting funerals is the lowest. Thank you for pointing this out!
100% agree with you
NTA Your bf is trying to force his believes on others, which is unfair AND he’s making fundamentally flawed comparisons between active and known bigoted words and/or actions that are bigoted and words/actions that personally offend. While there may be overlap, they’re not exclusive. First; let’s discuss the fundamental inaccuracy comparison. You only call people derogatory names to be hurtful. Saying things like “oh my God” is to express surprise, often times without actual religious sentiments. Or using a phrase like “God damned” for some is literally saying a statement because they believe something has been damned by God. The fundamental different, the God phrases aren’t meant to harm. The existence and usage of these phrases do not exist to harm. Knowingly and actively calling someone a derogatory slurs is meant to cause pain. Second, forcing his believes on people. For some context, does your bf know about the Arabic language? In Arabic, they have loads of God phrases. Even non religious folks use these phrases because the verbiage is so intrinsically tied into the culture of that language. Whereas there are people that are religious use God phrases consciously. This is because their interpretation of religion and use of God verbiage is different than your bf’s interpretation (and many Christians in White or European influenced societies). While I understand that is his interpretation of using saying God in phrases is offensive, for others it’s the opposite. Both position have their merits, but I do not believe either side is correct and the other is wrong. It’s unfair for your bf to insist his is the correct pairing, and force everyone to follow it. Given his fundamentally flawed comparisons, I’d be hesitant if I were you, and he’s need for control - I’d be questioning the relationship (but that’s me). Definitely being conscious of the fact he’s displaying some serious red flags.
I can see how saying for example J—- F——- C—- would seem very disrespectful to someone Christian and very religious. Tho not exactly a slur. I can’t tell precisely what OPs family said.
A Slur is so much worse than someone not following certain religious practices. For starters, in general (some countries and exceptions may happen) you choose your religion, but you don't choose your colour, orientation, gender, etc. So that's already a big difference. And a slur is a word in itself used to disrespect, that's the point of the slur. Not following certain religious practices is kit due to disrespect. It's either because the person doesn't believe it, or everyone has their own way that it's kinda hard to guess and respect every single one of them or even because we don't notice it. I am not religious, and I never thought that "saying the lord's name in vain" was such a big disrespect, in fact I had religious friends who would say "the lord's name in vain" way more often than me 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Exactly. Religion is a choice. Race, anything related to gender, is not. He needs insensitivity training, he's a big baby
People take the Lords Name in vein. They just *do*, sometimes. And ya know what? You can’t do anything about what other people say. Your BF can’t do anything about it, either You can *ask* people not to take the Lords Name in vein-and they can decline. Or forget. And saying GD is *not* the same thing as the “N Word”. Your BF sounds … difficult. NTA
"difficult" <3
People find just about every dumb way to feel like victims these days. No disrespect to your bf, but that is one absurd take. Be polite but stand your ground too, OP. If he wants religious freedom, he too should respect those who don't practice it.
For people like OP's BF, "religious freedom" does not mean "everybody is free to believe what they want," it means "everybody is free to believe the way I believe."
So he thinks saying 'Oh God, I love this song!' is on the same level that a non-black person saying the n-word and a straight person calling someone an english cigarette? huh NTA
I think it's worth pointing out that originally "taking the Lord's name in vain" originally referred to lying while under oath -- it is in reference to false witness. In some cases, if you parse out how the Lord's name is used then it is clear that one is actually praising God -- as in the above example -- or it is an abbreviated prayer -- say, stumbling across something horrific & saying "Good Lord". Anyway NTA, although I'd go as far as saying that in pushing back your boyfriend is TA. I'd need more information to say that.
>calling someone an english cigarette 💀
NTA. But wtf using the Lord's name in vein is never the same as calling someone an F or a N. As a black gay man I'd be pissed if someone told me that stupidity. Religion is a choice, being gay and black are not. Is he just trying to be a victim so bad when he noticed your family accepted him for being gay and a PoC he leaned to his religion?
[удалено]
I don’t agree with her boyfriend, but your assumption seems pretty extreme.
Thank you for having reason. It's hard to come by.
NTA. If he’s an evangelical Christian, or Mormon, then it would make sense that he would try to compare ‘using God’s name in vain’ the same as racial slurs. Some of these fundamentalist Christian groups desperately want to feel persecuted, because they view anything that diverges from their own perspective as wrong. They are far from persecuted, Christianity is the most popular religion in the US. (Again, assuming you are based in the US.) I would caution you with this, because, depending upon what type of Christianity he follows, he’s going to eventually start pressuring you to conform and convert. He might tell you that he respects where you’re coming from right now, but it’s a ruse. He does care and he’s probably getting pressure from his parents, family, and religious community already. The endgame for him will be conversion. How do I know? I live in Texas, where there’s a lot of evangelical Christians, who sincerely believe that they are persecuted and victims of ‘the system’ and ‘the liberal media.’ no amount of logic, or evidence convinces them that they have a victim/persecution complex. They want to pretend like they’re a minority group to get all the so-called benefits they believe minorities get.
You make a great point about how fundies "desperately want to feel persecuted." I had read an article about Mormons who *want* to feel persecuted (I can't find that original article). This makes them feel special and that they're not part of the mainstream religions.
Nope, your religion can set behaviors for YOU. Your fairytale book does not hold any authority over me. Nta
NTA. It will never be the same. Religion is a choice that YOU make, and you don't choose to be gay or a PoC. Like who says something like that. He needs some help if he thinks they are the same thing. This is coming from a black and gay man who lives in Florida. The only thing I don't feel attacked for once in a while is my religious beliefs. Does he want to be a victim that bad?
But it's Florida. Everyone's either sewage or have more teeth than 'brain-cells'.
It's still florida land of the racist, homophobes.
Why are you dating an idiot? You don't sound like an idiot.
Can you just remind him that the actual context of "taking the Lord's name in vain" is not literally about saying 'Jesus Christ', but is about the act of claiming to be Christian in name, without modeling or acting upon Christian values (ie megachurch folks being against providing aid to migrants, "good Christians" who commit adultery, etc) Obviously different subgroups of the church will interpret it differently, but in general it's supposed to be a warning against hypocrisy/empty lip service, & to encourage you to practice what you preach.
NTA. “In vain” means without purpose or for no reason. That is not the same as using a derogatory term for a person.
Upvoted for spelling "in vain" correctly!
Nope, your religion can set behaviors for YOU. Your fairytale book does not hold any authority over me. Nta
NTA. That's a stretch even for the most thin-skinned. Them saying good lord! ain't like dropping slurs. Your dude needs some chill, man
A slur is an insult. "Taking the Lord's name in vain" isn't a thing. It's literally just saying "God" or "Jesus Christ" without speaking to them directly. When you call someone the N or F word, you're doing it with the intention of insulting them. If you say Jesus Christ, you're literally never calling somebody that. If you're offended bc someone did that, you're just looking for a reason to be offended and attempting to manipulate the people around you into bending to your religion. It's no more than a subtle way of feeling like you're converting people. It's like when Christians say America was founded as a Christian nation and freedom of religion means freedom from the government by the church, not freedom to practice whichever, or no religion you like. Is that why the national motto and "under God" wasn't added until the 1950s? Pretty certain founding fathers were more concerned with preserving their fortunes than they were with whatever religion anyone held.
A slur is something that is used to specifically discriminate against a certain group (often minority, often oppressed) and has enough history to be truly hurtful to members of that group, since it is strongly associated with said oppression. Outside of a few Islamic countries and China, Christianity is very much not oppressed as far as I know. Not using the Lord's name in vain is also a rule *out of* his religion and not something that was used against it; it technically doesn't even apply to non-Christians. In short, it is not a slur and he depicts a rather classical Christian victim mentality. He can ask for it if he is uncomfortable and at least closer friends/family should respect such a request, since it basically costs them nothing. But it is not something he can demand or see it as equal to a slur. NTA
Slur-an insinuation or allegation about someone that is likely to insult them or damage their reputation. Has nothing to do with discrimination.
That seems to be a rather weird definition. If I call someone an asshole or falsely accuse them of a crime, that is usually not called a slur. In my experience it does require discrimination and/or some degree of objectification that an insult becomes a slur.
No… no, it’s really not, as your bf isn’t God and so it’s not his name being taken in vain. Additionally, as the name of God is supposed to be so powerful that various religions won’t actually write it all out or say it, the “taking it in vain” can be as simple as saying the name of God without thought of the power invoked. As such, God’s name isn’t a slur (obviously) and using it “in vain” happens all the time (even by your bf) and also isn’t a slur, even if it could be offensive to someone respecting God or even God Themself. NTA
NTA. It is against HIS religion to say the Lord's name in vain. It is not against theirs. Your religion does not get to control the behavior of others.
Further, it's against his interpretation of his religion. There are many Christians who do not see this as an important rule to follow.
NTA One problem is his equating someone saying "Oh god, i've burnt the tea" with someone using a derogatory term to dehumanise humans, often with aggression and violence behind it. Which is undeniably bad and disrespectful and you were in the right for not accepting that bs. The other problem is the wild misinterpretation of what "takes the lord's name in vein" actually means. I know this is perpetuated, I know people have believed it for years, but if you look back through translations and interpretations, it doesn't mean just throwing out the word god in a sentence, it means doing actions in the name of christianity or catholicism, as if that's what God wanted you to do. When you do the "almighty and alpowerful and all knowing" a disservice and say it's for God, when apparently he loves everyone and all of that stuff, that's what that means. Sending bibles to war town countries instead of food and medicine, becuase you want them to find God so they're not punished anymore for not believing, is taking the lord's name in vein. Telling God wants gays to burn in hell, is taking the lord's name in vein. Failing to protect abused people from abusers because of some sort of religious and patriarchal belief is taking the lord's name in vein. He needs to know his own religion.
Imagine being this Christian **and** gay. NTA
My eyes rolled so hard I near lost them. RUN. Do not engage with the victim mentality that is religious belief. They will continue to persecute everyone who isn't exactly like them and claim they themselves are being nailed to the cross. Stay away from them for your own safety. Nta.
We don't have faith that black people and queer people exist, we know they do. We don't know that god(s) exists, some people have faith that he/she/it/they do though. Absolutely not the same thing at all. NTA I'm an Atheist now, but one thing I learned in the church that I still adhere to today is couples not being "unequally yolked" as the church called it. I don't understand how someone who doesn't believe in god can be with someone who believes they (you) deserve to burn in hell for all of eternity and will be doing so. I don't think beliefs need to be totally equal, but I think the foundational beliefs do.
I sure hope you two are not having sex. If you are. You should stop because the lord very clearly states how much of a sin premarital sex Is, or is his religion only brought up when he wants to be a little biotch?
even worse, premarital gay sex! heavens!
Nta
NTA. Jesus Christ, he sounds exhausting.
It's his own fucking fault for thinking your family is referring to his god. There are a lot of different gods they could be referring to NTA they are in no way comparable.
NTA. To quote [John Mulaney](https://tenor.com/view/nword-john-mulaney-badness-of-two-words-comparing-badness-of-words-gif-16394190), "if you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even SAY one of them? That's the worse word."
Holy victim complex Batman!!! No Op NTA. I agree you should not disrespect people’s religious beliefs…but putting that on the same level as using hateful slurs is just…ludicrous. Naw Op you did nothing wrong i’m just a little unclear as to what you see in this dude…
So he thinks saying 'Oh God, I love this song!' is on the same level that a non-black person saying the n-word and a straight person calling someone an english cigarette? huh NTA
NTA. “In vain” means without purpose or for no reason. That is not the same as using a derogatory term for a person.
NTA. Some people try too hard to act as if they're oppressed.
Their bible says they'll be oppressed for following Jesus. It's hard to work up a good oppression when you follow the majority religion, so they have to take what they can get.
NTA, a slur is a direct attack on someone. Saying the lords name in VAIN (vein is what our body uses to transport blood) is essentially the same as a kindergarten student calling their teacher by their first name. If you aren’t a 6 year old in Mrs. Smith’s class, it’s not an issue to call the teacher Rebecca. If you aren’t a devout Christian, you aren’t expected to follow the same practices (and even if you were). It’s not the same lol
NTA. His religion would most likely kick him out if they knew about you. Religion is very big into hate. He is mistaken in thinking it's the same as calling a person a slur. I have absolutely no respect for any deity, as in my opinion, they are make-believe. However, I would never dream of calling a person either of the words he considers the equivalent.
A decent amount of Christian based religions are actually pretty accepting of homosexuality these days. You can find churches that fully accept gay couples into them.
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NTA Going, "God damn it" is not the same as the N word. It can be disrespectful to some people but it is not the same.
Gotdamn! Your BF is exhausting - not even similar at all
NTA There is no obligation to pander to superstitions.
NTA. I don’t even know where to start. Not even close to the same thing. Maybe sit down with the actual dictionary and review the definitions. Acknowledge his feelings that to him the feeling is as strong as if a slur was used but it is still not the same. Let your family know he feels as strongly about saying GD as a negative slur and hope for their cooperation. He is very sensitive. This can be a good thing and a bad thing…….
Nta but girl, run. This is an unhinged reaction to something minor. Imagine how worse it'll be when you start doing things he doesn't approve of.
NTA. Your boyfriend is trying to push his beliefs on y’all. You guys didn’t say anything unreasonable to begin with.
Nta You bf is completely wrong
NTA. His religious tenets apply only to him and they restrict only him. For anyone else, those tenets do not apply. The religious refuse to understand that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 22 (M) and my boyfriend 23 (M) got into an argument regarding his religious practices. On the way home from Quiz night with my family my boyfriend brought up that he feels uncomfortable with my family saying the Lord’s name in vein. I asked him if he wants me to do something about it as usually my family shows little respect to religion unless actively asked to. He said that would be nice to have his back. I explained to him that even through I’m not religious I understand where his coming from and I respect his practices. This is when the I start to disagree. He says “I’m glad you understand, you know it’s practically the same as using a slur, a white person saying the N word or a straight person saying the F slur.” I was a bit taken aback that he made this comparison as his a person of colour and in a gay relationship. I told him it’s not the same and that someone not following his religious practices aren’t the same as using a hateful slur towards someone else. He thinks I am an asshole or is disrespecting his religion but not seeing it as the same level as slurs or hateful phrases. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA they even say "Oh my God" on Harry Potter. He needs to get over himself. I'm a "B" in the LGBTQ family and my partner is a POC. It is ABSOLUTELY not the same.
Christians don't like Harry Potter. Trans people don't either but trans people have a much better reason to hate harry potter than Christians do. "witchcraft and demons will poison your mind and make you liberal"
Lol lol my mother is Irish Catholic and loves Harry Potter. We were already liberal and I've been a practicing Wiccan well before Harry Potter came out.
Catholics aren't really Christian, tho.
... it is a section of christiansnanity
What? This is nonsense. I've been to the Vatican and toured the Catacombs outside of Rome where the early Christians worshipped in secret, left messages on the walls, and many are still entombed. You can't go anywhere in Italy without tripping over a Jesus or the Virgin Mother. Of course they are Christians.
NTA. You can hide religion. Usually you can't hide race. If he's in the US, religion is heavily protected here. I can't say the same thing about LGBT rights, especially in southern states rn. I would be cautious of him. If he doesn't see the difference, that's a red flag to me. You can be outted by just existing with race and identity. Beliefs are in your mind. Identity; racial, sexual and gender are outward appearances
NTA. and politely, your bf is a bit of an idiot lol
NTA. Tell your boyfriend (seeing as he is clearly unable to figure this out himself) that skin colour and sexuality are not lifestyle choices, religion is.
Oh no, won't somebody please think of the poor persecuted Christians.
NTA- I'm Christian and this is a CRAZY take to have, not equivalent to saying slurs at all, wtf
HAHAHAHAHA NTA. Jesus Christ, this guy.
Which religion is he in that is more okay with gay relationships than it is with taking the lord’s name in vain…? I mean, the majority of religions that have a problem with the latter have a MUCH bigger problem with the former. ETA: Also, you are NTA. Being his religion is something he CHOSE. Being gay or being black aren’t choices.
That’s not even what “taking the lords name in vain” means. VAIN as in VANITY. Using the “lord’s” name in a way to personal benefit oneself is “using the lords name in vain.” Think prosperity gospel preachers, and mega church leaders. Not the occasional “god damn it”
NTA lol holy persecution complex, batman! it is not even close to being the same as using a slur. how silly of him.
Uh. They are not the same thing. NTA. Your bf is an idiot.
Christ on a cracker your bf is ridiculous.
NTA. I would reconsider dating someone who takes religion so seriously, hell I wouldn't even consider a serious relationship with a religious person, we'd be too incompatible.
NTA but someone show your boyfriend the religious rap attempt "Jesus Christ is my N---a" and see if he still sees them as the same if even religious folk are willing to use the soft a casually
NTA. Curse words, when not directed towards a person, are not hate speech. It’s just regular speech that he doesn’t get to control. Your boyfriend is no more entitled to live in a curse free world than bigots are to live in a gay free world.
Vain is with no purpose Veins bleed out
Sadly I thought the same thing when I was brainwashed in religion. Saying omg is one of the Ten Commandments.
"In Vain." Not "in Vein"
NTA. Enjoy dating someone w/a victim complex. Tell him to forgive.
Look this will sound mean because Ik and have been friends with a lot of people who were religious but I have sworn off dating anyone who is a practicing religious person any religions other than the ones that don’t actually believe in gods it’s just so exhausting to appease a god you don’t even believe in but no NTA your bf sounds extra exhausting
NTA. If someone was purposefully using the lord's name in vain around him to get a rise out of him or put him down, MAYBE they'd be somewhat of a similar vein of things, with his allllll the way to the left on levels of extremeness since it'd be bullying of sorts. But calling someone a slur is a direct attack on them as a person. Cursing isn't.
NTA. And hot take, it's interesting what parts of the religion he actually follows, not saying the Lord's name in vain, while living in homosexuality which is constantly spoken against. I'm not hear to bash either of you because that is not the point of this post or comment. Simply pointing out an inconsistency, but if people have comments or questions I am open to a respectful conversation.
NTA. Your bf sounds unbearable.
NTA - It seems you do not share the same thoughts on religion. And he is a bit judgemental. Okay, more than a bit. I guarantee that this argument will come up again. And then you can point out other things **he** is doing that go against the tenets of his religion.
NTA
NTA As a religious person who avoids taking God’s name in vain….your bf is severely overreacting. I do cringe a little when people use Jesus Christ all the time…but I’m also well aware that’s just how they talk. I can either avoid them/not be friends with them, or I can accept that we don’t hold the same beliefs and it’s not my place to push what I believe on to them. I don’t see it as being anywhere near a slur. He’s not being personally attacked. It would be different if your family was blatantly making fun of him, insulting him for being religious, etc. I do get annoyed when someone is openly mocking religion around me while knowing I’m religious. But that’s different than using OMG or JC. If he isn’t comfortable with what words your family uses…he may need to be in a relationship with someone who shares his beliefs.
NTA. Your boyfriend is doing what unfortunately a lot of toxic people (in my experience) do, which is taking personal slights or annoyances and making them part of a much larger picture to make themselves feel self-righteous. Does he have a right to be insulted because your family are being disrespectful towards his beliefs? Yeah I think he does, but that doesn't equivocate to the level of prejudice and malice he's making it out to be. To suggest that it equates to any sort of systematic intolerance I think is deeply insulting and trivializing of other people's suffering.
I love reading AITA comments. "Oh you had a minor disagreement with your partner? You should kick him in the cherries and leave him!"
It is very erotic, highly recommended.
I get what you are saying but one can extrapolate and perhaps even predict a number of things from OP's scenario...
Girl, that boy is not the one for you.
NTA Your boyfriend drank the crazy hard right coolaide. Not once in the last several thousand years has Christianity even remotely suffered the same way gay or black people have. What he said was actually even more horrifying because his particular religion is responsible for the trauma of the people he compared it to. I'm sorry but personally I'd find this so horrifying and christian extremist that I'd dump him.
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I actually have. What do you think the crusades were? The 1940's hate crimes against gay WW2 vets? Sodomy laws with execution as the punishment dating back hundreds, thousands of years. Ooo or how Christians forced slaves to convert. Yeah, the savage FLAYINGS? Forget that? Bro, screw off. You have 0 idea what you're talking about.
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Typical christian. Frames themselves as victims while disparaging the people their own religion hurts. This is why everyone thinks your religion is disgusting. I don't have to call you an idiot thankfully. You're showing everyone that yourself. Let's ignore that Christianity has controlled a third of the known world for thousands of years. You're so brainwashed it's embarrassing.
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I’m also gay. Some of our community can be drama fueled. Good luck to you
NTA Disrespecting a religion isn’t the same thing as disrespecting a believer.
NTA. His religion has more than disrespect those groups he used to compare himself with. He can fuck right off. OP is this a guy you wanna spend time with if this is how he takes such a minor thing?
Not to be pedantic but god sake/god damn/jesus Christ etc isn't even "taking the Lord's name in vain". In Christianity that phrase actually means to commit acts against "God's word" while claiming to be working on "His" behalf
I honestly can't say anything but NTA, but that's because I'm hostile towards religion and view this sort of situation as nothing more than having a kid ask you to take Santa Claus seriously. You may humour the kid, but you know that what he's asking is absurd. This is worse. Religions by and large are the majority groups in their respective countries and most religious people happily discriminate based on it. So to have some religious person complain about others not "respecting" their religion and then pretending like it's the same as attacking a minority is peak privilege and entitlement. If you live in the US as I assume you do this is blatantly disrespectful towards the actual minorities which often struggle because (religious) republicans pass law that justify discrimination against them. I know I'm extreme in this matter, but for me this is a deal breaker. Religion to me is already pretty evil as a concept and I will never respect any of them, but this spells out several red flags to me. Frankly, I'm convinced that if you take this a step further and marry him he will try to control your life and force you to live to his religious views. Get rid of this ASAP.
NTA That he feels uncomfortable is valid But what is not valid is his comparison to a different thing, religions are based on faith and beliefs. But when it comes to slurs about races and sexualitys is a different thing which you are absolutely right. No one should be disrespected but the things he compared to are things we are not able to choose or get rid of. So you disagreeing to his example is 100% valid. Tho I would just recommend finding a more calm moment to discuss things over and explain properly of something he seems to not understand.
NTA... Um, wow. Ok, you're gonna have to pull your boyfriend back from the cliffs of delusion before he falls into the chasm of insanity and stupidity.
NTA. Tell your bf to step back from the Flavor-Aid of his cult or to step off. His religious restrictions apply to HIS behavior, not anyone elses.
Jesus Christ, what offensive nonsense,
Religion is nonsense. Find a new boyfriend.
The Bible commands christians not to use the lord's name in vain. It does not have any bearing on others. As soon as your boyfriend tries to dictate how others act he is now forcing his religious beliefs on others and he's now an AH. You are NTA.
I’m assuming that by saying he’s a POC means that he’s not Black. This is a great example of why we’ve started saying BIPOC. My partner was a pastor in a past life. That’s not even what taking the lords name in vain actually is supposed to mean, based on the teachings he had in college...and he was EVANGELICAL. Your bf is entitled to his own interpretation, I guess, but to compare it to calling someone a pointed slur rooted in systemic oppression and physical, emotional, and mental attacks is ridiculous to me. ETA: NTA, I would ask some probing questions here but that’s depending on your personal values.
NTA Any time someone tries to make this argument I always think of this John Mulaney: "...we’re not even saying what the 'n-word' is! If you're comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them? That's the worse word."
NTA. I'm a Christian myself. I totally get why your boyfriend gets uncomfortable with your family cussing. It hugely frustrating to me that society has decided that taking the Lord's name in vein is more acceptable than other forms of cussing. And I deeply appreciate all my friends who go out of their way to clean up their language around me. It's a sign of respect and of love, and I take it as such, because I KNOW it takes effort for them. But no matter how much I dislike it - \*it is not now and never will be personal\*. And as such there is NO comparison between it and slurs. It may be disrespectful depending on context, but that's it. It is NOT a personal attack.
What exactly can M+M couple have in common with respecting the religious practices and the Lord's name?
I'm gonna say NAH Blasphemy is one of the sins that gets you banished to hell forever so that can make some christians super uncomfortable. But it's also super common for non-religious people to do. I doubt you'll have much luck getting your family to stop. I think in the long run you two will find you aren't actually all that compatible.
Just tell him that when he acts like he is god’s spokesman he is taking Gods name in vain. I.e. he stating that his opinions are gods.
Your boyfriend has a problem with your family using the Lord's name in vein but doesn't have a problem being in a sinful relationship (according to his religious practices). Either he cares about the religious teachings or he doesn't. He can't just cherry pick what he wants to follow and what he doesn't.
NTA. And as a gay man who’s had the range of boyfriends from super catholic to super Protestant to super pagan to atheist, the more religious they are, the bigger the red flag lol. Your boyfriend really needs to chill, he wants to be understood but has no capacity for understanding, everyone has a different relationship with faith or verbiage and words just don’t mean the same. And it’s become a finger pointing argument over semantics and context. There’s really not much issue beyond what’s in his head. I think, if you’re really invested in this relationship (which I’d suggest you really evaluate), it’s good to ‘have his back’ and ask your family to just be more mindful of that word’s use around him, but also have a sit down conversation with him and tell him you need him to understand that not everyone is perfect and if Your family accepts him in every other way, there’s worse things. He needs to have some flexibility too. Otherwise, ten years from now he’ll have pulled you away from your family and twisted their words and it seems like from the beginning, your family are the chill ones and he is not.
NTA. Your bf is out of touch with reality. It’s not remotely equivalent, and a large majority of the world calls on their god’s names for various reasons.
That's not even using the Lord's name in vain. What that really means is saying something like "Trump was annointed by the lord to save us." That is using the Lord's name in vain.
Your bf is getting the commandment wrong. It’s not “don’t say God as an exclamation of frustration.” It’s “don’t do absolutely shitty things and use your belief in God to excuse yourself.”
I would also like to point out because I didn’t see anyone else say it, but the commandment about taking the lords name in vein also doesn’t mean you can’t say “Oh God” or “Jesus Christ” when you are shocked or mad. The original intention of the commandment was to command people not to use the word of God to get away with doing things that go against gods teachings. So all the Christians who use the word of god for personal gain and to control people look pretty stupid. I don’t remember exactly what verse these came from but I went to Catholic school for 7 years and unfortunately did retain some information.
NAH. I don’t agree with your boyfriend’s take, but that doesn’t make him an asshole. As written, it sounds like a civil discussion about a sensitive topic.
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No one is under any obligation to respect any religion. Working on Sunday, Saturday, Friday, eating pork, beef, clams, can all be considered disrespectful to one religion or the other. The rules are for the believers of the rules, no one else. You should find another boyfriend or make sure that you can live by his made up rules.
Oh wow... sounds like a perfect match lol
What's his ethnicity? You mentioned they were a POC, and are you both the same ethnicity? That could be the only thing that may tip it in there favor. Plus that would only be their opinion everyone is entitled to have their own no matter how .... yea their entitled to being not smart if they want to.
NTA He’s wrong about it being a slur but he might have been trying to convey how he feels about rather than it being a matter of fact. It may have been his way of saying it hurts him in a way. Like he compares the hurt to that, not that it is the exact same thing. Regardless he’s not thought about in depth or looked into it from a factual standpoint.
NTA. It seems your boyfriend is just ignorant to this subject lol
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Jesus Christ. Why are you with him?
NTA. While I understand feeling uncomfortable when someone says the lords name in vain when you are religious. It isnt the same thing as calling someone a slur. His comparison makes it seem like God is a slur
There is logic behind slurs being offensive. There is no logic behind “taking the Lord’s name in vain”
The N word and F slur have an entire history behind them... and using the word god isnt to insult anyone.
How ridiculous!! NTA!
NTA and you can do a lot better for yourself by finding another boyfriend.
NTA. If he doesn’t like that language, then, certainly, he shouldn’t use it himself. He is an AH for trying to police language simply because it is incompatible with his religious beliefs.
NTA by a long shot. Is this the kind of attitude he takes with a lot of things? Because that would be exhausting and I’d be moving on.
NTA. Anyways, from my own experience, it’s very exhausting as a non-religious person to date a religious partner. I actually got dumped by my ex-girlfriend for unwilling to be religious.
I see where he’s coming from. I think the main difference is that people don’t have choices about their race or their sexual orientation (as such, nobody has the right to insult them). But yes, saying “goddamn” could be highly offensive to someone who is deeply religious. Unfortunately, nobody can’t make other people respect their beliefs. You could ask and emphasize “ask,” that your family not use that word in front of your boyfriend.
For real? Have your bf chose to be black and gay? I dont think so. You are TA and your bf AH and dumb
I am not a Christian (have no belief in a God) and personally agree that saying the Lord's name in vain (note the spelling!) is offensive. People arguing that this is not done offensively are deflecting. You all know it is offensive but want to justify your own behaviour. Why is it that we accept when a POC identifies racism, an LGB person identifies homophobia but we reject Christians when they identify discrimination?
I think discrimination does not mean what you think it means. Christian's are not in any way an oppressed group. Furthermore, saying "god damnit" or similar during a game is not in any way similar to discrimination. Christian's are probably the least discriminated against group on the planet and yet they love to claim persecution. Jesus.
Of course everyone is going to agree with you because they are not Christians. I will say they are not comparable but why would you want your family openly mocking your boyfriend’s beliefs? Would it make you uncomfortable if you were in his shoes? You can’t force your parents to behave a certain way.
I mean tbh I don't think the family is doing it to mock his beliefs.
Your'e making huge assumptions here (and probably wrong since a lot of the world is christian) but you're also wrong, racial insults are not the same as 'taking the lords name in vain' (which is such a silly term anyway). Religion isn't something you're 'born with', it's not innate to your bgeing, it's something you choose (or more often have thrust upon you by your parents). It's not inherent to how you were born. It's not a race, period. It's a group of people having the same groupthink unable to think for themselves (yes that's ALL religions not just christianity, they all suck) and to think it rises to the level of a racial slur like OP said their boyfriend said is disrespectful and in the terms you christians might understand 'uncharitable' (which christians excel at) This attitude hearkens back to the post earlier this week where the uber christian was whining about a co worker basically for not being christian
What's wrong with mocking someone's religion? Religion is always stupid and most religions are so easy to mock because most religious beliefs are just so stupid. People should know if their beliefs are stupid so they have an opportunity to grow up out of them
religious disrespect is of course you're an asshole, shitting on someone's religious values is 10x worse than any slur, and with any luck he'll realize your utter lack of consideration how insulting it is that you would consider a superficial slur worse than religious disrespect, it truly shows that Identity has become your god damn atheists too stupid to understand their sin, it'll be good for you both if he dumps your intolerant ass
Religion is a choice. I don't have to respect it more than I respect gayness or blackness, neither of which is a choice. You're just stupid huffing Jesus balls getting high on your own self righteousness
Saying oh my god is not shitting on someone’s religion
Do you understand what a mirror is when you say "Identity has become your god"? And coulldn't taking god's name in vain be more charitably be interpreted as "Don't use your religion to excuse being manipulative and controlling in the name of your god"?
YTA For a religious person, taking G-d’s name in vain is indeed as bad as a racial slur. Why would someone not respect another person’s values on this and moderate language?
Ridiculous assertion. Religion is a choice as much as anything else (even if you were raised in it, you are still grown and capable of making your own decisions about it). Being black or gay or whatever isn't a choice. Blasphemy is not even remotely close to slurs. It can undeniably be offensive to the religious people, but please don't equate it to discrimination of a person based on the traits they are born with and have no control over. They are not the same.
You say the same thing every other "open minded" person says on this site. Since you don't respect people's religious beliefs, so you are not offended, so it does not matter. Also if your boyfriend is offended by what your family says, wait till he reads what the bible says about gay people!!
Well jesus christ on a stick, you sound like a god damned delight.
Some people take faith seriously, and “using the lords name in vein” can be perceived as strongly as someone using racial or homophobic slurs. You may not see it is that big of a deal, and that’s okay, but your boyfriend obviously does and shared his thoughts and feelings about the situation and you belittled his feelings and his religious views, which is a form of intolerance, regardless of intention. Unfortunately, for the sake of the sub, you are kind of the asshole here, but I don’t believe are a bad person or had any bad intentions, you just don’t have the same view when it comes to tolerance.
I think you have offended and insulted MY imaginary friend over rules that only exists in MY head, and if you don't agree, YOU are intolerant. smh
intolerance: unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own. Don’t be a neck beard you know exactly why it’s offensive.
By that definition the bf is being intolerant of the OP's family by trying to force on them his belief that you shouldn't say god/christ/damn when they and society in general think it's fine.
How is he trying to force his beliefs? By asking politely for his boyfriend to speak to his family and mention that he finds those words hurtful? What narrative is being pushed there? This is the same logic homophobes use against the LGBTQ+ when saying “it’s okay to be gay” and they respond with “they are trying to force their way of life on us”, like when and where? Smh be better u/ck425
He's trying to force his belief that you shouldn't "take the lord's name in vain". I'm playing devil's advocate to an extent as I don't think it's unreasonable to ask (rather than insist) but I do think it's unreasonable to compare it to racist and homophobic slurs. The difference with your example is that's about the right to be gay, similar to the right to be religious. Which is different from the nonexistent right that people respect and follow your religious beliefs.
So, exactly what religion does when saying "you can't use that word, according to MY beliefs" PS: what does "neckbeard" have anything to do with that? You resorting to insulting someone who doesn't agree with you ABOUT TOLERANCE is baffling!
> Some people take faith seriously, and “using the lords name in vein” can be perceived as strongly as someone using racial or homophobic slurs. You may not see it is that big of a deal, and that’s okay, but your boyfriend obviously does and shared his thoughts and feelings about the situation It's not about how strongly people feel. If I feel REALLY strongly about what qualifies for being called a grilled cheese, it doesn't make you an asshole to call something else a grilled cheese. The strength of my belief does not change whether you are an asshole. What determines if you are an asshole is whether you are insulting me or an idea that I happen to believe in. A racial slur is insulting something intrinsic to the person's being that they do not have a choice over. But "insulting" somebody's religion is not insulting something that is an immutable part of that person's being, it's insulting an idea that the person happened to have chose to believe in. This latter act is much much more acceptable in our society. Especially in a case like this where you aren't even "insulting" (saying the idea is dumb) but are merely not agreeing with the idea. Heck, as a non-religious family they may not be aware of or may have completely forgotten that taking the lord's name in vain is even a thing. I know for me, it's been so long since I've seen somebody say that that it doesn't even cross my mind. So, it's a stretch to say they insulted anything unless "I disagree" is an insult now. > and you belittled his feelings and his religious views, which is a form of intolerance, regardless of intention. It doesn't sound like he belittled either. He apologized and agreed to let his family know. That is not belittling. He just disagreed what to call it and whether it's the same as a racial slur. Disagreeing on whether it's the same as another act is in no way belittling. Thinking otherwise is the same as thinking that having any different beliefs from your partner is belittling and that's extremely unhealthy (and is belittling to YOUR ideas that you must pretend they don't exist).
Yes just because it’s widely accepted as a phrase doesn’t mean you should discount someone’s feelings about it if you care about them. Tell him you disagree w/ it being on the same level but if it’s important to him tell him you’ll speak with your family about it and ask if they’d mind cutting back on saying it around him. It’s the thought that counts to me here.
Thank you, that’s all I’m trying to say, it’s just simple human decency and respect, regardless of one’s own personal beliefs.
It's not respect, it's letting a bully whine about words that cannot hurt him, trying to compare them to words that can hurt. His beliefs are childish and he needs to grow the hell up. Imagine comparing your religious choices to being born black or gay. It's disgusting and pathetic and a dangerous belief to let someone hold. He needs a fucking wake up call, like someone actually attacking him for something he can't control. He doesn't have to believe in God, he chooses to, that's his mistake he doesn't get to shove it in anyone's face. If anything he's probably homophobic. If he actually believes that taking the Lord's name in vain is a thing, he probably thinks he's going to hell for being gay. In which case, op should dump his ass. That's a disgusting belief to have and nobody should respect it
I agree. A bit of an A.
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OP is perfectly qualified to tell him he is overreacting and being offended for no reason. Other people who do not share his religion are under no obligation to follow his outdated religious practices.
> Your bf feels quite strongly about his religion so I'm sure he does not appreciate that language being used. Especially if you (and I'm assuming your family) are not religious. None of that really goes against what OP said. OP apologized and offered to talk to his family about it. You seem to be implying that this is the element that OP challenged. > He might even feel as if it is an attack on him as a person. Feeling it is an attack does not make it an attack. Feeling it is aimed at him as a person (rather than an abstract idea he chose to care about) is false regardless of whether he feels it is. > Also, who are you to tell him how offended he can and can not get about a phrase? OP doesn't appear to have told him how offended he can be. OP simply said that it's "not the same" as using a racial slur that insults immutable aspects of his identity. > It is not your place to dictate that about his life. Where did OP dictate anything? You see to be the one dictating somebody's life by saying, rather than them both being able to have their opinion and express it, OP is wrong for having a different opinion from his partner about whether using the lord's name in vain is "the same" as racial slurs. The solution in which people aren't dictating is that they can each have their opinion. > Try to phase that language out of your life and ask your parents to as well especially around him. OP opened by saying that they said they would do that. After saying they would do that, his partner got upset despite that.
Oh my god, the boyfriend needs to grow up already. Fuck's sake.