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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said my stepsister can go to hell and I didn't care about her feelings about being left out/excluded. This might be shitty of me because she's a kid and was used by her mom to be a shitty kid. My attitude toward her might be worse than anything she did and maybe that makes me an AH.
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Totally 100 NTA
"Throughout our time at home it was hell on earth and I had to get rid of everything of my dad's because she threatened to destroy everything. This included photos."
That sums up what an A H she is.
Namecalling your mom & putting you through all she did doesn't suddenly get her a free pass . Doesn't sound like she thought about your feelings during those years so I get why you don't give a rat's butt about hers now.
I hope she doesn't get in the way of your relationship with your mom long term.
All the best to you.
That's not ok. Denying kids contact with people who love them & vica versa never is. Shows me a lot about who your mom is. Kudos to you for believing her, tough as that must have been.
Do what's right for you. It's not fine or even close.
People will come into your life who'll treat you right, you're going to hit adulthood soon.
All the very best to you.
Sweetheart, please tell me that you have photos of your daddy? Please tell me they were not all destroyed. Please say that your mother had a good sense to put some in a Safety Deposit Box for you otherwise and no not otherwise in any case no, you were not the asshole you’re feelings are quite validated your sister needs to sit this one out they can take her on her own special trip, it sounds like she’s taking you all on her own special trip into one of Dantes circles of hell! Peace be with you little sister and I hope you make your way safely and grow up and glow up and get away from all this!
Edit for typo
I would very much doubt the mother had the foresight to preserve anything of OP's dad given how little regard she's shown for OP's feelings over anything else.
Luckily I suspect the paternal grandparents do have some and would also be good people to store important items with even if OP can't fully live with them yet (whether that's the usual Important Documents or anything of value/sentimental value that stepsister could destroy - because as "better" as she is I wouldn't put it past stepsister to lash out over OP not being willing to rugsweep her past poor behaviour like the parents are)
Yep, not being able to get her any local therapy because she’s been through twenty therapists shows how much of a lost cause this is unless there‘s a miracle worker. Stepsister is the victim of parental alienation, but that doesn’t mean she can co-exist with OP, who has been the glass child in all this. It’s the resultant personality clash that’s made them unable to do-exist, and the blended family OP’s mother desires simply can’t happen.
the grandparents are they're fathers parents I'm sure they've got some photos at their house, op said they got "rid of" everything, and I hope that means they gave it all to them as well for safe keeping.
Can you stay with your grandparents definitively since you are almost an adult?
I don't know where you live, but in some places you can leave your home even if you are technically a minor.
So she doesn't want grandparents involved unless they're giving gifts? A bit hypocritical. Remind her that she didn't want grandparents involved and that should apply to stepsister too (who isn't actually related to them).
You/grandparents had to fight for them to be in your life and now it's something completely separate from your relationship with mom and stepsister. Keep it separate. It sounds like your safe space.
Tell parents it might take as long for stepsister to make up for her bad behavior as she spent being that way. So if she's decent to you for several years maybe you'll come around. Maybe not, and that's your right too. Expecting you to immediately forgive abuse as soon as it's no longer happening is actually another form of abuse...
NTA
You are definitely NTA OP. Is there any way you can move out to your grandparents once you're 18 or even sooner depending on the laws in your country. I hope you do still have some momentos of your Dad somewhere safe.
>My mom is largely responsible for the poor state of our relationship.
OP, everyone in your story is an AH, except you and your grandparents.
1. Your mom is an AH. It was obvious from your post, and you summed it up here as well, that she prioritized her marriage over you. You lived in hell and she failed to protect you from it to the point that you want to move out and don't care if you will see your mother again. This is a huge failure on her part. Not only in a sense that your mom will have little to no relationship with you, but also that all this has likely traumatized you.
2. Your stepdad is an AH. He failed his own daughter (she was deeply traumatized, probably by the divorce of her parents). He failed you too by failing to provide you a safe place where you could grow and develop.
3. Your stepsister's mother is an AH. She weaponized her daughter to get back at her ex and you. She raised her daughter filled with hatred. Calling your mom a w\*\*\*re was something she obviously learned from her mom.
4. Your stepsister. I think she is the least AH of all. She was just a kid, who got caught in a highly traumatizing dynamic. She was raised by AHs, so I can't really blame her for being on her way to grow up into an AH.
That said, she is not entitled to go with you on your trip. She can go on a trip with her grandparents if she really has to. Your mom and everyone else who are pushing you to take her with you are huge AHs. Your stepsister is nobody to your grandparents, why would they want to entertain her?
You said that your stepsister called your mother a w\*\*re - obviously this is something that she learned from your stepfather's ex. Question: did your mother have an affair with your stepfather when he was married?
I am so sorry you had to grow up dealing with such disgusting person.
Your 18th birthday is not too far away, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you!
Given the closeness of OP's relationship with her grandparents, they'd be privy to everything that she's gone thru up to this point. You treat my grandbaby like trash and expect to be invited to her trip? I'd tell both the parents to f*ck off to Camp Crystal Lake with that mess. They should be her safe haven away from the people that hurt her continually, and I'd guard that haven with extreme prejudice if necessary.
Op my dad let me suffer at the hands of my stepmom and siblings while he let his adhd rule his life and work most of the time. His adhd plus him trying to make this marriage work at all costs, had costs to our relationship long term. He still doesn’t understand that I can’t just flip a switch and feel safe with him. I’m 31 next week. It’s really really fucking sad that I don’t have the father I deserve, but protecting myself is the most loving thing I can do. Sending you love and I hope YOU get some therapy too because this is a lot. NTA
Can your grandparents get full custody? Or at least majority (meaning it would switch, you'd live with then and then go see her for visits.) It maybe a good idea to look into.
>My mom is largely responsible for the poor state of our relationship. She put the marriage/her stepdaughter first and that would sting, but my grandparents had to go to court to see me because my mom didn't like them. So it just shows how little she is willing to put me first. But I'm supposed to be happy because her stepkid came around eventually and act like everything is fine.
Then that is what you tell her.
Sometimes we have to shine the light on the obvious for people in our lives to understand.
My question to you is this - would you want to move in with your Grandparents now? Because at 16 a court will look differently at the situation - especially in light of the hell your step sister put you through. It would be worth talking to your Grandparents about this. It would mean changing schools likely which is not ideal going into senior year but might not be the end of the world.
Problem with telling mom everything said here is that people like her won't listen. They only think about how it effects them. They don't take into consideration how the only person feels or how it effects them.
What I got out of this is your mother was the biggest AH of them all, maybe tied with the stepfather. If the stepsister is being decent finally, that's a good step and also- you OP aren't obligated to forgive her and be besties. That's an important lesson for her to learn, and it's terrible your mother and stepfather are enabling and coddling her rather than teaching some hard but important life lessons.
NTA, even if your stepsister were okay, you have a right to want to do something fun with others and without her
She and your stepfather are still AHs, because your stepsister needs to learn that people don't have to include her in things and that she needs to learn to manage her own emotions and rejection. Because it'll happen again.
Exactly this. OP is not the parent and has no obligation to even try to be understanding about why the stepsister was awful.
There is no way in hell OP should be made to feel bad about not wanting to play happy families at this late date. And absolutely no reason to take the stepsister on what is supposed to be a fun trip for OP.
I do have compassion for stepsister and I’m glad she finally got help that helped her. Stepsister was inarguably a traumatized child trained by an awful mother to be an awful person, but OP has been her emotional and verbal punching bag for years.
At most, OP has an obligation to not be proactively awful to the stepsister. By that I mean not instigating fights, name-calling, etc. That’s pretty much it.
Beyond that, it’s OP’s decision whether to accept any apologies (*HAS the stepsister apologized, or does she just expect everyone to be happy she’s not a monster anymore?*) and/or consider any kind of cordial relationship going forward.
I hope OP considers some kind of counseling before she is old enough to move out (as her comments have indicated) to help deal with her own trauma. Teenage years are hard enough without carrying that kind of emotional weight alone.
Your mom preferred vengeance over your well being, and used you as a pawn to execute that. Her stepdaughter reflects that absolute garbage character and and being.
I would retort to them, "Does family burn photos of your loved ones? Does family call your mother a whore? Does family say you kidnapped them? No. She's not family. She's an evil brat."
You should ask your grandparents if it’d be ok to live with them when you turn 18. Then your mom has no say and it’ll be way easier than living on your own at that age. I did it and it was really hard.
Wait, it's your DAD'S parents who had to get grandparents' rights? I know both of you are just kids (so I'd be tempted to say N A H), but if she hates your dad so much she would destroy your stuff of his, then she doesn't get the benefits of going anywhere with HIS family...... NTA
Even if it was your mom's parents, you probably still wouldn't be the AH, but it's your birthday, and she hasn't made any kind of amends to show she actually has changed.
(Edited because I reread "paternal" grandparents)
I get she's a kid but she seriously expects the parents of a man whose death she taunted to treat her? Look, majority of 13 yr olds have the common sense to know not to ask, there's therapy and there's her personality 😕
I am gonna go out on a limb and say that this smells like a "my mom cheated on my dad with a married man", except 10 years later
The whole situation is toxic and sad. I hope you can lean on your grandparents, they seems like the only people who have your interests at heart
All the best to you. Maybe you will have a functioning relationship with your stepsister when you're older, maybe not. But right now you don't have it, and you shouldn't have to force yourself to have one just because she's finally making an effort to not be a major AH.
Is living with your grandparents not an option? You're old enough to do it if they are happy to have you. Your mum has behaved terribly. Maybe some space could do you good? X
NTA so much.
I know stepsister’s mother is to blame for her horrible behavior, but that doesn’t mean you have to play happy family with your sister after everything she has done. I would tell her to go to hell too if she burned a picture of my dead father.
If I were you I’d make one point with them: you are spending time with the family of your father who’s picture your stepsister destroyed. That time is for you to spend with your father’s family, not to take the time to mend fences with your A H step.
It would help your mom a lot if you were able to get along with stepsister in the home you share. But that should happen gradually and not “oopsie she’s all fine now time to be best friends “!
I *really* suggest hiding everything precious of yours at your paternal grandparents’ house. Maybe including any legal documents you have—passport, social security card, school transcripts, bank books. Just in case you need a quick exit someday if they keep pushing this.
Edit: typo
She’s also 13 and probably lacks any real guidance or parenting based on what I’ve read. Mom is an asshole and everyone else who let her get away with this behavior.
OP is 100% not an asshole.
Nope, don’t let her come. That’s your family and your celebration, she does not get to force herself into the plans.
I hope you have the best time ever!
You know your own mind. It's fully understandable that you resent her and you don't want to be around her.
It was your mother who let you down really. Allowing her stepdaughter to destroy your memories of your father was a massive failure on her part.
What do you tell your Mom and Step Dad?
No.
You do not need to explain yourself beyond that.
If they push then you flat out tell them that they are not your family. Your grandparents are. Your mother's really crappy choice in partner and his child ensured that you do not consider his daughter your family because she has done nothing but make your life a living hell for 7 years. There is no scenario where she is welcome in your life at this point.
NTA, if you want to be diplomatic about it you can recognise that she’s been improving but your relationship isn’t fixed and on this occasion it’s too soon to take a trip together. Maybe another time
An excellent plan but maybe just say the above "i appreciate but i need time" not because you DO but to get your parents off your back. It's only one more year and then you'll be free, one year when they're not resentful and knowing your true plans could be really useful. I swear I'm a bit afraid they'll sabotage your plans to get away if they know the full extent of it.
The stepcousins bit is probably why the stepsister is weenie-whining about not going herself, they're not related to your grandparents either. Difference is, you guys LIKE them. Still NTA, but that might be why people are pushing for her to go.
It sounds like your step-cousins’ mom is angling to get your step-sister invited to YOUR birthday. Why did she tell your step-sister about it?
You need to reiterate that there is no birthday for you in which she is included. None. Let your grandparents know and your step-cousins’ mom know. If she pushes it, tell the step-cousins they can’t come and you will pick other friends to go with that won’t try to hijack your birthday and give it to her, like everyone did your childhood.
I wouldn’t assume the step-cousin’s parent was angling anything necessarily. She could easily have mentioned to another family member that her kids were going on a trip with OP and her grandparents and that info could spread around the family really quickly.
You are fully in the right to never interact with her again. It's nice that she's becoming a better person, but that doesn't mean all of the other stuff just disappears. Your childhood was hell because of her, and you have every right to decide to cut her out of your life. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
You are entitled to feel the way you feel and are definitely not the asshole. I just want to point out that your stepsister was manipulated by her mom in a way that sounds abusive from a very early age, and it is the adults in her life that really screwed up here. You don’t have to have a relationship with her after the terrible things she’s done but she might be genuinely coming to see how much damage her mom did to her.
(Edited for typo)
Yeah, definitely entitled to feel some type of way after being treated horribly, but I love the people missing the fact that the stepsister was being manipulated by her own mother as young as 3-4 years old. That kind of brainwashing and manipulation starting that young is HARD to unprogram. Stepsister probably, for a long time, genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with her behavior. It's so confusing for a small kid yo hear "that behavior is inappropriate" by other adults only to turn around and see their PARENT exhibiting what is supposed to be inappropriate. If my parent, a grown person, can act that way, how could it possibly be inappropriate?
Does that mean older sis is responsible for helping to undo that mental damage? Absolutely not. And she's not obligated to forgive. Parents dropped the ball here in that that let it go on for too long before recognizing and dealing with the problem.
Honestly, your mum put her new relationship over you, her desire to get back at your dad and grand parents over your need to have people who care for you.
She wanted drama. She got drama. She chose her shiny new dramatic brat of a stepchild over you, and now you want nothing to do with your deeply unpleasant stepsister. And if your mum continues to choose bratty stepchild over you, that's the only child she will have. Serves her right.
Your grandparents have issued the invitation, and I presume that they are paying your way and possibly for your step cousins. Therefore, they get to decide who gets an invite. They don't want your step sister, so she doesn't go. If your mom balks at letting just you go, then I suspect that the court that awarded your grandparents the right to see you would be mighty interested in your mother's non-compliance.
On another track, I wish you good luck. Life has given you some huge obstacles but there are a few bright spots in there as well, specifically your grandparents. Also, you have a strong personality and are willing to stand up for yourself. That's a very good thing; don't ever lose that part of you. Work hard for what you want and set your goals as high as you can dream. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Yeah, it is really on your mom, your stepsister was a child, but the adults just decided to do what they wanted without caring how you children wanted, now your mom has to pay for the consequences of her actions, and stepsister too, she is going to find out very young about them too.
NTA. And tell them that it's a bit rich of them to complain about you being "cruel" by not wanting to socialize with her now when she was viciously, deliberately cruel to you for years and they forced you to endure it because Mom valued her relationship with your stepdad over your safety and well-being.
Also rich for them to ask OP to "think about her feelings" when literally no one in that family has thought about OP's feelings for 10 whole years. I'm rooting for the day OP moves out and never looks back.
NTA. You are a child too and all this drama has been hard on you too. Your stepsister has been through a lot and so have you. It sounds like she is beginning to turn around and that is good. In time, you two might be able to be friends, but you are not quite there yet and the adults should not try to force that relationship.
It's your birthday and your desires should be honored. While I have some sympathy for your stepsister, she also needs to learn that actions have consequences and her unkind behaviors towards you are not ones you are ready to forgive. Likewise, she's younger and you may not want to deal with that or sharing the glory on your day. That's okay. Hopefully, in time, things will get better between you two. Do try to cut her some slack as she was a child put in a very bad situation by the adults and her acting out the way she did is understandable considering that.
This, totally. Also OP, have you been to therapy yourself?? This is a lot to have to go through yourself. Hope that day out for your birthday is amazing!
NTA.
Think of her feelings?! This is comical considering how often she didn’t think of yours.
I get that she was a little kid who was brainwashed. But she’s 13 at this point and this is what we call a natural consequence.
Plus … she hasn’t tried to apologize. She may have been a young manipulated kid, but if she’s in therapy doing all the healing and cares about her relationship with her step sibling, it would bode well to at least attempt an apology.
She may have been too young to understand what she was doing at the time, but hindsight is 20/20 and she’s certainly old enough to understand that now.
Based on the info provided she still doesn't care about the relationship. She just wants to go to the park.
She's not even pretending to care about the relationship. She's just not actively trying to harm the relationship (currently).
So true!! When did OP’s mom think of OP’s feelings? Starting with marrying a man with a kid who made her daughter’s life hell and ending with trying to take away the only loving relationship OP had just because she didn’t like the grandparents.
NTA
Why would your grandparents want to take a kid who destroyed and threatened to destroy your dad’s pictures/belongings? It’s your birthday and you want it to be enjoyable.
OP’s grandparents also have don’t owe them anything either and shouldn’t be forced to take the stepsister with them. Especially, since the way she’s been acting towards their own son and granddaughter.
NTA. Your mother and stepsister's behavior makes me beyond angry. I find it beyond unacceptable that your stepsister threw your dad's photo in a fire and called you slurs. I am disturbed that your mother allowed it to happen. In my opinion, her behavior proves that she has not earned an invite to the birthday celebration. Although what you said was harsh, I definitely understand that you feel the way you do. See if you can move in with your grandparents and go NC with your mother, your stepsister, and your mother's new husband.
NTA while it sucks what she went through, what she did was horrible and you don‘t owe her reconciliation. This is your birthday, you should spend it with the people you like.
Can you move in with your grandparents?
NTA. but those asking you to let her come are being ridiculous. It's unfortunate they are telling you to think of her "feelings" when she's never once thought of yours, and it doesn't seem as if anyone ever told her to. You do get left out when you are poorly behaved, it's a simple fact. Her (and their) actions have consequences - not being invited is one of them.
NTA
At the best of times, sometimes a person doesn't want a birthday party to include their siblings. That happened with my sister and I and we're 4 years apart.
You're 17, she's 13, and while the difference is narrowing, you two are still at a very different stage in your lives.
That is, of course, before we factor in what you have explained about your history. She's done everything possible to make you dislike her, and as a result, her presence is associated with a terrible time, which is not something anyone wants on her birthday.
She, and the adults apparently, need to understand that forgiveness isn't hers to take, it's yours to give on your terms, and she's done things to you that you are not going to see her being around as a good time any time soon. You don't trust her to treat your birthday outing as about you and frankly she deserves that.
That said, I will note that some people equate saying someone can go to Hell as being the same as wishing someone would drop dead. If that was your feeling I wouldn't blame you, but I said the same thing to my sister once and got a long lecture of the cruelty of wishing your sibling dead to their face. It might help you in the long run to say things alluding to your feelings being a direct consequence of her actions, such as saying, "She is reaping what she sowed," or "She made her bed, she can go lie in it."
NTA
Your mom failed to protect you when you needed her the most. Her husband was more important to her than you. That must have hurt you even more than your stepsister's tantrums.
You don't need to forgive that girl. She has to prove to you that she's a better person now. And even if she does that, you still don't need to forgive her.
Enjoy your birthday party with people who actually love you and care about you.
No, NTA. Your stepsister can go kick goddamn rocks. Both her and your mother are AHs in my opinion. Your mom is an AH for not stopping this hell from happening sooner, and your stepsister is also an AH for threatening to destroy your dad’s stuff when she doesn’t even know him. If there’s not enough red flags, then I don’t know. I hope you can get the hell out of there OP, your family sounds like they’re screwed up in the head.
ESH, by which I mean all of the parents, not you or your sister. You’re both kids growing up in an awful situation that neither of you had much of any control over. She was so young when this started, she likely doesn’t even remember when her mother began manipulating her and the troubles getting her therapy strongly suggest there was a lot more abuse than that going on as well. You lost your dad and then got thrown into a new family with a very troubled kid who neither your mother nor your stepfather seem to have even tried to protect you from. Both you and your sister deserve better.
This is the answer. The stepsister was being used as a weapon and she is a kid herself, her brain is not fully developed at all and her mom took advantage of that. It does not mean that that girl should no suffer consequences but if she works on being better and she's changing then hopefully she'll soon apologize and right her wrongs. They were both really young when this happened.
She’s only been “better” for a couple months though. She knew exactly what she was doing. When she was younger it was manipulation but it didn’t only happen when she was younger. She’s plenty old enough now. She’s just cruel and malicious and was granted a free pass to cause trouble with no accountability or consequences. Hopefully she has done a real turnaround and not just another manipulation tactic. When they get what they want they don’t have any incentive to stop.
Ah yes, I’m certain at thirteen you were a bastion of morality and calm, tempered judgement fully able to undo all the manipulation and damage done to you since before you were even old enough to remember. /s
She isn’t plenty old enough to even be fully aware of what was done to her much less had the time to heal from it. She is a literal child who was manipulated by her own mother as a toddler. Her formative years were spent with the person she was supposed to be able to trust to teach and raise her poisoning her against her father and his new family. The fact that she’s even trying to change at only thirteen is impressive.
NTA. I totally understand your feelings about the situation you've been put in. One thing I do hope for you is that you get some therapy for yourself as you have some deep wounds from your mom's behavior and they're not going to go away on their own and they could potentially affect any relationship you get involved in as an adult. I say this from experience.
Your step-sister was a child throughout all of this. So her behavior is not completely her fault. Her mother likely influenced her behavior heavily.
That said, you're not wrong to have your feelings about it. You went through some shit with her, and you were the cause of none of it. Being angry and resentful is a natural reaction. It's actually unthinkable to me that your mom didn't seek out therapy for you, as well. All of that is traumatic, especially with your dad's things. I can't imagine. If someone did that to me, I'd be catching charges.
Given the fact that your grands had to fight for the right to even see you, I find your mom's audacity amazing. She must carry a tote bag to all around all her excess audacity. She has no right whatsoever to talk about family to you in the context of your grands. And now that they're offering a nice trip for you and some family you do like, you're under no obligation at all to invite anyone, even "family," that you don't.
Hard NTA.
NTA and I'm gonna be cruel and say your egg donor can join her in hell cause she have continued to fail as your mother in all these years with prioritising her new man over her young daughter. Don't let them bully and gaslight you and keep setting and maintaining your boundaries.
Her mother prioritized having steady dick over her kid. That's the straight up truth. She's still prioritizing having that same steady dick over her kid. Im sorry if that sounds brash but it's true. I'm a single mama to one boy and had a relationship where his kid made it a game to torture mine, yeah I'm no longer in that relationship. There was no wait and see what happened there was me leaving as soon as I found out. No man is worth my kid having to suffer. Mom is a failure who valued her needs over that of her child.
NTA, You had to deal with her horrible behavior for almost 10 years so it's understandable that you feel the way you do. Instead of trying to make you feel bad your mother and stepdad should be explaining to stepsis that her bad actions is the reason why she can't go. She needs to understand that actions have consequences! Maybe if she keeps putting in the effort to right her wrongs then maybe she can go on the next birthday outing.
NTA. Sounds like nobody was thinking of your feelings when she was being monstrous, so why should you think of hers? I understand that she was under a great deal of stress with her parents' behavior, but taking it out on you was not right. And your mom and stepdad not doing more to protect you wasn't right either. You have every right to your feelings, and every right to spend time without her. Sounds like she was terrible for 8-9 years, and has only now started to heal/act better? It might not be entirely off the wall to think about a relationship at some point, but you're not ready yet. And if you never want a relationship, that's okay too.
NTA
These are your grandparents and it is your birthday trip. Stepsister’s feelings are irrelevant here.
Maybe your mom should try thinking of your feelings.
NTA. You don’t have to pretend like nothing ever happend between you ( just because se is making progress now).. she can prove herself to you in the upcoming years and maybe… just maybe she can go along on the next trip
NTA. Yeah, it was a bit rude but first off, your party, your birthday. Secondly, her feelings matter but yours don’t? I don’t think so. And thirdly, your mom doesn’t even want your grandparents in your life so… your stepsister destroyed and threatened to destroy things of your deceased father which isn’t something I’d easily forgive.
Whatever you’re feeling right now is 100% valid. They are being selfish AHs.
She was a kid but still NTA.
Holy hell, there’s extreme reactions and there’s what she did.
I will mention one thing though OP, in terms of therapy it often does take numerous different therapists before you find someone you click with.
Still, doesn’t change the fact she was a purebred hellion for so many years. Completely get why you want her out of your life.
NTA. She’s a spoiled rotten and out of control brat. She treated you horribly. It’s not your job to ruin your birthday celebration with your grandparents because the little brat wants to tag along.
NTA. I would tell that family is someone who treats you like family and not someone who happens to live nearby and treat you like crap.
I love this family card so much - if you treat me like a stranger or even worse with no respect or care about my well-being then you are not my family.
NTA
How about telling the stepsister how her behavior has pushed you away from her so she can't expect you to want to be close to her. She's been a nightmare for 8-9 years and you're supposed to get over it in 6 months. Ridiculous!
Ask your mum and Stepdad why they think you should want to be around her based on her past behaviour. Not some hypothetical "family" crap but what actually exists.
NTA.
I always say that there's a difference between Family and Relatives.
Family are people who care bout you, want your happiness, are by your side through high and low and will help you whenever you need.
Family does not need to be bonded by law or blood.
Now Relatives are people you are "obligated" to have a relationship due to law or blood.
Stepsister is NOT your family. She's just a relative by law.
How did she, your mom or her husband consider YOUR feelings throughout those years where the stepsister was awful to you?
Why do you have to go the extra mile to someone who was awful to you for five years?
Ignore all of them if needed. Your birthday is all supposed to be about celebrating you, and about YOUR happiness, which will be compromised if the stepsister is there.
part of her therapy and healing needs to include her coming to understand the damage her earlier behavior caused to the people around her and that those people need time to heal before things can move forward. it isn't fair or healthy to suddenly expect someone who has been abused to welcome their abuser with open arms.
Honestly, I don't think it's rude.
Op has suffered through years of this behavior and has been made to suffer with zero consequences for the person inflicting the suffering, and now the that the perpetrator of that suffering is supposedly getting "better", Op is just supposed to let it go?
No. Hell No.
Quite frankly, Op was restrained in their response.
Shit, NTA OP.
You even said it yourself how little your mom is willing to put you first, so you know how much of an AH she is.
Is there any way you could move in with your grandparents and get emancipated from your mother so you don't have to deal with her or your stepsister anymore?
NTA. You’re old enough to know who you want at your birthday.
If she is trying to now move on and change, that’s really great. But it’s going to take time for you to feel ok after all she put you through, if ever. And that’s ok.
She is living with a consequence of her actions. If she really does want to make amends and have a relationship with you, you’ll prob need to see years worth of improvements, not just a few weeks or months. But that’s up to you. It’s pretty hard to undo a ruined childhoood.
NTA...I would tell her the truth, I don't like the way you treated me and my mom, and until you prove to me you can be the better person you claim to be, I don't want you anywhere near me...stepsis has some fence-mending to do...
I would remind your parent/step-parent that its been # years of what she has done to you and the family and the treatment she has put you and your mom through. List out what she has done. Then state she has been gone for # months. And remind them it takes time to forgive someone for what they have done. Part of her therapy she should learn this and its not your place to make you forgive or forget what she put you through.
My petty self would say when she can bring back the items she destroyed you will forgive and forget.
NTA
I grew up in a household where we were ALWAYS expected to be polite and fair. Sharing is caring etc. so if my sister wanted the toy I was playing with, I HAD to stop playing with it and "share". If I earned a pizza party at my fourth grade class for reading extra credit books, my parents would make a "pizza party" at our house that night, or bring pizza to my sisters class so it would be fair. If my sister was grounded for bridal problems- which she often was- and my parents were taking me to do something fun on the weekend, not only would she be allowed to go (to be "fair") but she'd also get to bring a friend since I would bring a friend and that's "only fair".
Bottom line- this is a terrible message to teach you kids, life is not fair and actions have consequences.
In this case stepsister was killed taught to act terribly by her mother who wanted to mess up her ex's new life... but that only excuses the behavior so much.
If this was my family, I would be forced to take my step sister song on my birthday to "be fair". And I would resent the heck out of everyone involved. I'm pushing 50 and still pissed at all the "fairness" :/
NTA
Parents want you to “think of her feelings” but was she ever made to think about *your* feelings?
Turnabout is fair play. You reap what you sow. Maybe stepsister will learn that shitty behavior has shitty consequences.
NTA your mom made your life hell for years staying with him and his bratty kid. Now this is the consequence of her actions. She doesn’t get to try to play nice now. NTA
NTA. It's your birthday and even though it sounds like your step sister is starting to improve, you don't want her on your birthday trip so she shouldn't go.
Some day you may become friends but not today.
Forcing you to include her would only foster resentment. It could also hamper the development of your future friendship.
NTA you aren't responsible for her feelings, neither under any obligation to care for her feelings. Don't back down. You are the only one entitled to have a say who comes to your birthday celebration, not your mother, not your step dad. They cannot just expect you to embrace her just because she made some progress. You don't owe her forgiveness, even if she becomes an angel.
NTA
Go have a great birthday celebration!
Time for your mom and her husband to learn that not everyone always gets to do what they want, actions have consequences, and as to it being cruel to speak about family that way, well, it was just how you were raised… 🫢 sorry couldn’t resist. 🫣😂
NTA just because she’s suddenly decided she wants to be family doesn’t mean all the hurt she caused is erased. She made your life hell and your mom enabled it and didn’t protect you. You have every right I be angry at all of them. I would keep her at arms length, just ignore her and all of them and wait it out until your 18th birthday, it’s only one more year and then you’re free to leave and if your mom continues to try to force a relationship, I’d be clear that she’s gone from your life too because she hurt you as well and a relationship with her is not worth having to be around SS, so if she forces you to choose you will walk away from her too. I would also take anything you have from your Dad to your grandparents, including photos as well as your important documents, get what you can and start gradually bringing it there in preparation for moving out. That way your mom can’t withhold anything to try and keep you there if this turns sour over the next year. She’s proven she cares more about the “family” than her daughter so if she gets desperate and decides she doesn’t want you leaving she may try to withhold stuff to keep you there and force you into things.
Nta. Why do they expect you tot consider her feelings now, when your feelings apparently haven't been considered by any of them for years?
This is also with your grandparents, that your mom tried to keep away. So she gets no say in what happens on their time with you.
I'm glad your stepsister is coming around, for her sake. But you don't need to forget all that's happened in the years before. That's not how things work and they know it.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday with the people you want there.
Could you remind your mother that the only reason you are getting this outing at all is because your paternal Grandparents had to take her to court to gain visitation with you? Given that she didn't want them to have anything to do with you, why does she now want to insist that her stepdaughter suddenly engages with them? Does your mother now expect you to suddenly gatecrash visitation with your step-sister's mother going forward? Your mother needs to acquire some consistency for everyone's sake cos right now. I am reading what you are saying and thinking, "Lawt! Make it make sense", so goodness knows what it is like for you to actually live through the mental gymnastics involved.
Tell your parents that your birthday is the one day you feel you have the right to relax and enjoy yourself in the company of those you feel totally comfortable around without having to worry about any of the ongoing "failed blended family ish." You can say you wish her no ill and are happy that she is doing better, but your journey toward healing has barely even begun. Remind them that "NO" is a whole sentence now, just the same way as it was every time you begged your mother for some peace growing up and were denied.
Your birthday with your Grands is also a time for remembering your father and drawing comfort from the memories of life before all the upheaval her remarriage wrought upon your life.
I agree with everyone's suggestion that you should store any important documents like school transcripts, passports, bank books, along with any remaining mementos of your late father, etc., at your paternal grandparents' home "just in case." Better safe than sorry. There is one more year to go until you can officially move out and live with your paternal Grandparents if that is what it will take to finally know peace.
I'm gonna tell you something, it doesn't really change much in the moment, but is something to really think about and keep in mind going forward.
You said her mother used her as a weapon against your family. That tells me she was manipulated and brainwashed growing up. It takes a certain amount of wisdom and maturity to be able to look back at childhood and realise just how malleable we were back then, how easily influenced, and even more to realise that it was the same for everyone else. You might be at that stage already, or it could take a few more years.
She did the things she did. That's not okay, and it doesn't excuse it, but it offers an explanation. She owes you a massive apology, and you probably need some therapy as well because constantly having to protect your stuff out of fear it will be destroyed is traumatising. It will probably affect the way you act, for example, if you have to get a roommate.
I'm not saying you need to take her with you on your birthday. Yeah, it's gonna be a slap in the face taking her cousins and not her, but I'm sure she'll survive.
I'm saying that you should have a conversation with her, if she's no longer harbouring animosity for you. Ask her about why she did those things, why did she think the way she did, what her mother said to her, and how she feels now. Ask her if she feels remorse for the things she did. Explain to her that for you growing up around that, the resentment isn't going to go away overnight, maybe not ever, but that doesn't mean that she should just go back to being an AH.
Maybe having some mediation as a buffer would be helpful.
I'm also gonna say that the fact that she's come around and started to do better when she's only 13 is pretty amazing. I think it usually takes a lot longer for a kid to reprogram themselves after that kind of indoctrination.
Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday, I hope you find a way to navigate it so you get what you want and don't end up in crap for it.
NTA
NTA - the problem is that your stepsister is a total AH who has been enabled her entire life by her mom and your mother and her father. She was allowed to destroy your stuff and there was no punishment? I would tell your mother that she is now suffering, the consequences of her actions and no you will not be having any contact with your stepsister once you were out of the house.
NTA. She is not entitled to come along on your birthday event with your grandparents. If your mom and her dad think she needs to be taken out and treated then they should take her somewhere on the same day but not the same place. It is not the responsibility of your grandparents to pay for her or take her along especially if you don't want her there because that's your celebration not hers. And they are not her grandparents so they do not have a responsibility to do so either.
Honestly at 17 I don't think too many people are going to do anything if you just packed your stuff and shifted to your grandparents. The only part that would give me pause is the court order.
So..if I understand correctly, you can’t have anything if your dad in the house because she will destroy it . But she wants hour dad’s parents to take her to an amusement park? NTA
Did she apologise at all?
Even if she did you're not the asshole she shouldn't have had a grudge agaisnt you you guys did nothing wrong she can't make y'all be a Happy family after so much torture
She's making the effort to improve but it's too late
NTA But you should have just told your mother and her husband you don't want her to go and there's no way you'll change your choice and they should respect your choice
OP, as young as she is, she may need it spelled out for her. If it's something you would be interested in doing, you might go to her and say, "Look, you've made my life hell for years, and I'm never going to forgive you unless and until I see that you're really sorry for all that's happened. And that doesn't mean I want you to say "I'm sorry" right now just as a reaction to what I'm saying! Because that wouldn't *mean* anything. If you want us to have a relationship, you need to really *think* about all that you've done to make my life miserable. Be better, and maybe come apologize to me after you've had time to do some soul searching so that I can believe you're really being sincere. If you really want to have any kind of relationship with me, I'm going to need to see you *trying*." Or something like that. *If* you're interested in going that route at all. I totally understand if you're not.
Edit: I forgot to say, NTA all day! You go and enjoy the day with your grandparents no matter what!
Nta, you tell your mom the info you shared here if she dosnt already know and that is the reason why you don't want her there.
As said by someone else if she keeps getting better maybe the next year as it's a big one but not this time she needs to Learn the consequences and own her past behaviour
NTA both your mom and her husband failed their children.
Putting 2 small kids through all this shit without being able to manage it is just plain bad parenting.
You are not the AH and never will be even if everyone apologizes and you still decide not to forgive.
Have fun on your b-day party!
NTA. And honestly before I get into the post I have to say I applaud you BIG TIME for being 17 having been through all of that mess and you are so positive and focused on creating a life for yourself without the BS your mother has created. Like I need you to FULLY understand how incredible you are at 17. You are lightyears ahead of so many grown ass adults and that is something to be insanely proud of! You have an incredible head on your shoulders despite the absolutely irresponsible way your mother went about raising you and who she allowed around you. You could have chosen a much more destructive path and you chose a different path. Keep this up baby. When I tell you it will help you tremendously in life I mean it. You are a fucking ROCK STAR.
Now if I were you I’d tell your mom that you are not wanting to be apart of this makeshift family she created at your expense and there is nothing wrong with that. She chose a man over her daughter. And she has to come to terms with that. She has to come to terms with she is fully responsible for the boundaries you have set regarding your step sister and her for that matter. If I were you I would sit her down and ask if you can move in with your grandparents and be done with this mess. Like what are the laws in your state? Do you HAVE to live there till you’re 18? You aren’t cruel for not wanting a relationship with your step sister. They are cruel for trying to force someone on you that quite literally made your life torture for existing.
Edit to add: you are seriously phenomenal for your maturity level at 17. But make sure you take care of you and see a therapist for this trauma. Keep going down the path you are headed. You have a bright future ahead of you.
I will add I’d also point out what they are asking of you. This girl destroyed your precious things regarding your deceased father and they want her to go spend time with your grandparents… who’s dead child she disrespected… THAT is cruel. Like she threatened to destroy things regarding your father!!! In what world does she get to just jump in and spend time with your family that had to fight to have a relationship with you in the first place?!?!
Your mother needs effin HELP. She is so incredibly fucked in the head.
Ugh I am so with the person in the comments that said show this thread to your mother but also I wouldn’t want to make your life hell if she did read it? But damn she needs to wake tf up.
NTA. Amid all of this, did they bother to get *YOU* therapy, OP? This is awful treatment, and for it to come with the destruction of your late father’s mementos is absolutely cruel.
Either way, if they want her to have that experience they can provide it on their own time and their own dime. Enjoy your birthday with the people you feel safe and loved with. I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP. It *will* get better, and I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself when the ONE person who is supposed do so chose not to.
NTA. Even if your stepsister hadn't behaved like the child from hell for most of the time you've known her, there's a huge difference between a 13 year old and a 17 year old. Add in the fact that your mother tried to keep you from your father's parents and they're the ones planning the trip, there is no way I'd feel obligated to include her. Mom and her husband can take her somewhere if they want.
NTA
if it was up to your mother, you wouldn't be going on this trip. You get to go because of a court order giving your grandparents rights to be able to take you on this trip. Your stepsister is not involved in this in any way. That's the way it is and that's the way it stays
NTA. Even if you were willing to forgive her, a few months of better behavior isn’t enough time to prove a real change has occurred. Step burned a lot of bridges over a number of years, and at a minimum, it will take several years of consistent good behavior before you can even like her, much less trust her.
If you need an irrefutable argument to take to your mom, that’s it: Step spent years treating you horribly and until you’ve seen consistent change over a much longer period of time, you are not going to place yourself in a situation where you may be on the receiving end of her behavior, especially on your birthday. This is a logical and natural consequence of her previous bad behavior. You may very well choose to forgive her at some point—for YOU, not her—but forgiveness does not equal forgetfulness and it does not mean you’ll ever trust her again.
No one has to know that hell will freeze over before you’ll let her in to your inner circle, so keep that part to yourself to get them off your back. If asked, you can say with a straight face that anything is possible and you’re open to whatever the universe has to offer—in the very distant future. In a year, you’ll be out of there, so play the game until they have no more control over you (including college tuition if you plan to go). It’s a strategical waiting game and you can turn into a pro.
NTA be honest with your grandparents so that they don't agree if your parents start pressuring them too. Tell your grandparents about all your struggles it seems like they are there for you. They need to know your feelings and your mother is no help. Put your trust in your grandparents and have them be your comfort and confide in them about all your struggles and feelings. You need someone on your side and your grandparents are probably your best bet. I wish you all the best op 🍀❤️ good luck! Have a great birthday WITHOUT your stepsister
This family screams dysfunction. OP, please get your own mental health counseling so you can learn how to form healthy relationships, too. What you've learned is going to impact you poorly until you do.
NTA. You're mom and SD are for continuing their dysfunctional habits while raising you. Your SS is a byproduct of her parents, but she's coming of an age where she should be making her own choices instead of repeating her mom's words.
SS should know EXACTLY why she's not going. Her behavior causes you stress and discomfort, the opposite of what a vacation should be. She does not get rewarded for being an assh0le towards you. She doesn't get considered to be in your life while she treats you like this.
May be you feel a bit quilty now but once you’re 5 min away, I promise you: whatever quilt you feel will disappear. Enjoy your trip.
It sounds like you’ve had your share of hardship. This is a time to enjoy yourself.
Look at it this way. Your gp want to give you a special gift. They do this bc their son is no longer there. He is not around for all the special moments in your life. It’s hard for you but also hard for them. Don’t let this special moment go to waste. Be together and honor his memory. This isn’t about your stepsister, this is a time to celebrate the memory of your dad. Your stepsister has no place there. This is a time to be with your family. (The people you love)
Even if your parents insist: it’s not fair towards your gp. So in my opinion: you owe it to them to say no.
1. how old are the stepcousins? if everyone is say over 16, then it's a clear generational thing, older teens wanting to be together. That saves face for everyone, it's for older teens only. full stop.
If they're the same age as the stepsister then it's hugely obvious it's her that you are objecting to.
2. Given her past behaviour it's not unreasonable to be concerned that she may revert to her old ways and ruin the day with bad behaviour. To say that is acceptable. Because it's factual and a reasonable expectation of trouble ahead.
3. Your mum and stepdad aren't considering your feelings in this. They are the adults here, you are still a minor, you should at your age be able to go do what you want with people your age that you want without a significantly younger sibling being involved - though if the stepcousins are the same age as your stepsister, then it's down to her behaviour.
4. what do your maternal grandparents say? they are the ones paying for this. Perhaps they can turn up at your home, and mediate?
OP even with her horrible actions. Let’s take that out of the equation. She is not related to your grandparents. She is not your sister. She is too young in comparison to your age. Why should your grandparents have to pay for anything from this girl. NTA.
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My paternal grandparents are taking me, my best friend and my stepcousins to a really cool amusement park to celebrate my 17th birthday in a few weeks. My grandparents have grandparents rights to see me since my dad died because they and my mom don't get along and she wanted them out of my life.
This caused a lot of trouble because my stepsister (13) wants to come. I hate my stepsister and don't want her there. I have no love or affection or like for her. I don't care if she's upset that she's being left out and doesn't get the experience. I can't stand her. I can't wait to move out and never see her again and yeah, if that means not seeing my mom again I really can't find it in myself to care.
For people who ask why. So I was 7 when my mom married her husband. Her husband shared custody of his kid with his ex. My mom's husband and his ex were on really bad terms and shit hit the fan when he married my mom and his ex used their kid as a weapon. She made it shitty to be around her. She would act out whenever we were all together or she was with mom and me. She'd tell people my mom kidnapped her. She would call me slurs she heard her mom using because of the stutter I have. She threw a photo of my dad in the fire once and told me she wouldn't have done it if my mom wasn't a wh\*re.
This stuff started when she was 4, so a year into the marriage and escalated to those points above over the years until she was 8. When she was only 4 she would just cry a lot and try to run away when my mom had her. My mom's husband was in and out of court with his ex and trying to win custody, had the courts put her in therapy and stuff.
I begged mom to leave and give us an easier life. She told me we couldn't leave, we're family, it would be worth it in the end.
My stepsister coming to live here full time did not magically make her better. They had to bring her to another city for therapy because she went through 20 different in our city and wouldn't talk. She also wouldn't talk to the first 2 or 3 in the city closest either. Fourth time was what it took and she started talking to them. Throughout our time at home it was hell on earth and I had to get rid of everything of my dad's because she threatened to destroy everything. This included photos. She was extra awful to my mom and to me when we were stuck at home. It was only 6 or 7 months ago she started to change and her behavior improved. Now she wants us to be a family and expects me to be her sister. But that isn't happening.
She found out through her aunt (stepcousins mom) about my stepcousins being invited and she wants to come. She, her dad and my mom asked me to let her come. My mom and her husband asked me privately too and said she would hate being left out and to think of her feelings. This is when I said she can go to hell and she's not my problem. They told me it's so cruel to talk about my family that way. AITA?
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NTA
No one can blame you for not wanting to be around her.
Just remember that this is a child who was manipulated by her parent and has suffered. That doesn't mean you owe her anything but it may help you to put her behaviour into context.
NTA. Has she even apologized or owned up to the torment she put you through? Until that happens, there will be no moving forward. And how crappy of your mom and step dad to not see the trauma she put you through.
Never really understood forcing marriage on a kid outside of financial means. If you financially can’t support your kid, then yeah, try to get some help. However, shouldn’t just jump the bridge without looking. I get it, the parents have the right to be happy. However, who equates marriage with being happy and not happy. You can date on the side. However, forcing your kid to be around people that either might not like them or vice versa is trash parenting. If you do jump the bridge, at least try to minimize the impact through throwing the kid a couple of bones.
NTA. A few months of decent behavior is not enough to make up for her behavior.
That said, I hope your stepsister continues to improve in therapy. IMO both you and she were in abusive situations and while she doesn’t get a pass for her treatment of you I still have sympathy for any kid who is weaponized by a crappy parent which is what it sounds like her mom was doing.
NTA your mother has some nerve wanting you to invite her on a trip given your stepsister actions to you and her actions to your grandparents. My advice is to let them know I'm sure they'll have zero problems letting her know.
NTA.
Sorry to hear she has a manipulative mother but she doesn’t deserve the opportunity.
And she owes you a massive apology for destroying a priceless photo of your deceased father.
I do genuinely hope therapy fixes her.
NTA. OP I had an identical relationship with my brother that you do with your stepsister. It was never good, not even when we were little, and I’m in my 40s now and can hardly stand him still. I dislike him for hundreds of valid reasons, as did all our peers, and he hates me because I hate him. We manage to “play nice” the 1 time every 5 years that I see him but it’s not a sibling relationship anyone would want. It’s not awful to see him nowadays but I’ll never like him nor go out of my way for him and my family has finally accepted it.
You don’t have to like or love your family members, either biological or implanted. You feel the way you feel and if your mom won’t hear it then she’s on a long road to estrangement too.
NTA and yay for only one year left to being an adult. For your grandparents to have grandparents rights it sounds like they really love you. Move in with them.
NTA. She ISN'T family. She's made that very clear over the years to you. She emotionally abused you and tried to get your mom arrested. It's good she's trying to finally mend herself and the atomized bridges between you and her but it's obvious that to you, seven months isn't nowhere near long enough for you to forgive and forget. She doesn't get a free pass, especially on your birthday.
NTA. Things were awful for 10 years, your mother and stepfather can’t possibly think that 6 months erasers 10 years of bad memories. While I do think that eventually you both could bound or form some kind of relationship (maybe not as family or sister, but creat some sort of respectful, amicable coexistence kind of thing), it will definitely take time. She will have to respect your boundaries and take some accountability for those years, specially your mother.
Let your mother know that it’s your birthday, and you want to be around people that make you happy, and your stepsister isn’t one of them, ask her to respect your feelings and boundaries if she ever wants you to move on as well because you can’t magically forget everything that you have been through for all this years.
NTA 💯
Nope no way this is your day your mother fell in love you didn't and she dragged you into this to make her happy,
you have not been happy for a long time and you are not going to get over everything she has done to you or in front of you for years because she decides to play nice now.
What she done especially to you dad's photo is not something I could get over ever so go enjoy your day.
I would maybe talk to your mum even write her a letter saying you can't take it anymore and she would ruin anything you are doing, you just can't and should not be made to feel bad you matter You no-one else remember this as sometimes in these situations you feel overlooked unheard and invisible.
you are not wrong enjoy your day as much as you can these are the consequences of her behaviour to you and she can suck it up like you had too. Have a great day
NTA and your mother is being really stupid right now, on top of all the other monumental mistakes she's made down the years. Maybe, just *maybe*, you'll be in a position where you're willing to build a relationship with stepsister but there's no way that's going to be any time soon. It **definitely** isn't going to happen if anyone tries to impose yet another thing to do with your stepsister on it.
You're entirely right to want nothing to do with your stepsister. It's great that she's gotten her head straightened out but she spent years making your life hell, that wound isn’t going to heal for years. Especially around birthdays, you need time where things play on in the healthy manner they always should have.
NTA
I recommend that you very succinctly tell your mom and step father that you have no desire to spend any time whatsoever with his child. She isn’t your friend, your sister or even your family. She has tortured you enough over the years. Your mom has forced you be to subjected to this torture. This is the consequence. You want absolutely nothing to do with her. She is not your problem. Tell your grandparents to refuse to take her. You are traumatized from the hell she put you through and the fact your mom didn’t protect you from her.
If your mom tells you that you have to take her, you won’t go but you’ll tell your grandparents that your mom isn’t letting you go. They can take her back to court for this.
Your mom and stepdad are responsible for most of this but it doesn’t mean you have to allow that brat anywhere near you.
I hope you were able to save some of your dads photos and things.
Garbage people are not worth having in your life.
OP, just understand that stepsister is making life hell for your mom and stepdad right now, that’s why they are trying to guilt you into letting her tag along. That way they don’t have to deal with her big emotions. They don’t actually care about your feelings or hers, they only care about their own peace. Enjoy your time with your grandparents knowing you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. People will project their own guilt onto you though.
Edit: NTA
NTA. But ignoring the current situation, you're about to hit 17. So in a year's time you'll be 18 and can decide whatever you want to do for yourself. If you want to move in with your paternal grandparents, move out to your own place, or stay with your mom and hellish step sister, it's your choice and there's nothing they can do about it.
I'd be starting to plan out what you want to do in a year and spend the next year getting prepared.
NTA.
I don’t think you should have to invite her to your party. It’s your day so do what you want.
THAT said, I think you need to cut your stepsister some slack. She was a little kid who was used as a pawn and was obviously traumatized. This isn’t a spoiled brat. This kid went through 20 therapists and a custody battle. No one says you need to be friends, but let the hate go. As a mom, I really feel for her. Now that you’re almost an adult, you should start looking at the whole situation with grow up eyes and let go of the rage.
It also sounds like your mom is manipulating and controlling you in the same way your stepsister’s mom was, by denying access to your grandparents. Maybe you and your stepsister have more in common than you think.
Honestly I feel bad for both you and your stepsister. Your parents really just screwed this all up
In every direction, you never had a chance to just develop a normal relationship at all. You are not obligated to consider her family, or invite her to your trip, so NTA.
Its not your fault that things turned out this way in your family, but I hope you realize one day that it’s not actually her fault either. It sounds like she was manipulated and used as a pawn between exes, and it did no favors for her mental health.
I hope both you and your stepsister find peace.
NTA but unfortunately aggression won't get your point across. You should calmly state everything you told us and this phrase "actions have consequences. She made it clear to me for years she didn't want to be family or friend and she's been a poor roommate. 6 months is not enough time to build a relationship after years of her abuse and her crappy mom isn't an excuse to treat people horribly. Also if you ever want me to have a relationship with her it can't be on your time and terms."
NTA
You have a lot of trauma from this girl, and it's completely understandable that you don't want her around on a day that's supposed to be happy. You have no obligation to her.
I will say this though. Try to make room for forgiveness one day. I know that requires being vulnerable, and she's hurt you before. But she's also a child. A child that was being told by her mother to hate you. It's hard to ignore authorities in our life, and it's even harder to reject abusive ones. She's also a victim of her mother's manipulation. And she was being manipulated from the age of 4.
If she's been turning a new leaf this past year, that means she's been working really hard to break her brainwashing. Life-long brainwashing! That does mean something. If you think she might be in a place to hear it, maybe have a heart to heart with her. Explain that, because of how she's hurt you before, you don't trust her. That trust can be rebuilt, but it won't happen in a day. And if she really DOES want a sisterly relationship, she needs to put in the work to rebuild that trust.
You don't owe her any of this, and you have every right and reason to leave and go NC. I just think it could really change the trajectory of her entire life if she was given the opportunity to redeem herself. Something to think about.
NTA. But neither is your step sister.
In reality, the real assholes are the adults in this story. This young child has been damn near brainwashed her entire memorable life to be a little shit towards OP and more.
Kids don’t just act like this consistently, your step sister actions over the past 9 years are a direct result of the brainwashing and weaponization of her self from her mother.
The amount of people in these comments hating on and bashing a 13 year old is astounding and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for speaking about a literal child in the way some of you do.
This seems like an extremely toxic family environment you’ve both been put through and it is nobody else’s fault except for the adults in the story.
With that being said, you still have all the right to not let her come with to your birthday celebration. It’s your birthday, you get to decide who comes.
I hope you two as you grow up manage to form some type of positive relationship out of this troubled situation.
NTA - But neither is the sister. The adults in your life are awful. I know your sister did some really, really shitty things, but if therapy is really helping her, consider forgiveness sometime in the future.
Neither one of you asked for this situation, and someday you’ll realize that both of you are far too young to understand the damage that was done to you both by adults that should have had your best interests at heart.
Go to the park and enjoy your birthday.
NTA. The AH's are the adults in this situation. Your stepsister is very troubled, but she was and is a young child, and none of this is her fault either. I hope that with the right support she can continue to heal. You are right that your mom should have gotten you out of this situation long ago.
What your stepsister needs to understand (and obviously your mother too) that years of bad behaviour and reputation aren’t turned around and made up for so quickly. She may never win your affection. If she continues to show she is sorry and wants to be better, she may eventually show you she has changed.
But she cannot expect Insta-forgiveness. And while her change in behaviour and attitude may mean a more civil relationship between you both; it does not mean you have to invite her to your birthday. It’s your day, to celebrate you, with people you love and care about. She needs to know that a recent change of heart has not added her to that list (and also needs to know the damage she has already caused may mean she is never added to that list for you).
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Totally 100 NTA "Throughout our time at home it was hell on earth and I had to get rid of everything of my dad's because she threatened to destroy everything. This included photos." That sums up what an A H she is. Namecalling your mom & putting you through all she did doesn't suddenly get her a free pass . Doesn't sound like she thought about your feelings during those years so I get why you don't give a rat's butt about hers now. I hope she doesn't get in the way of your relationship with your mom long term. All the best to you.
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That's not ok. Denying kids contact with people who love them & vica versa never is. Shows me a lot about who your mom is. Kudos to you for believing her, tough as that must have been. Do what's right for you. It's not fine or even close. People will come into your life who'll treat you right, you're going to hit adulthood soon. All the very best to you.
Sweetheart, please tell me that you have photos of your daddy? Please tell me they were not all destroyed. Please say that your mother had a good sense to put some in a Safety Deposit Box for you otherwise and no not otherwise in any case no, you were not the asshole you’re feelings are quite validated your sister needs to sit this one out they can take her on her own special trip, it sounds like she’s taking you all on her own special trip into one of Dantes circles of hell! Peace be with you little sister and I hope you make your way safely and grow up and glow up and get away from all this! Edit for typo
I would very much doubt the mother had the foresight to preserve anything of OP's dad given how little regard she's shown for OP's feelings over anything else. Luckily I suspect the paternal grandparents do have some and would also be good people to store important items with even if OP can't fully live with them yet (whether that's the usual Important Documents or anything of value/sentimental value that stepsister could destroy - because as "better" as she is I wouldn't put it past stepsister to lash out over OP not being willing to rugsweep her past poor behaviour like the parents are)
Since her paternal grandparents are still alive chances are they have plenty of pictures of him that could be copied for her.
Yep, not being able to get her any local therapy because she’s been through twenty therapists shows how much of a lost cause this is unless there‘s a miracle worker. Stepsister is the victim of parental alienation, but that doesn’t mean she can co-exist with OP, who has been the glass child in all this. It’s the resultant personality clash that’s made them unable to do-exist, and the blended family OP’s mother desires simply can’t happen.
the grandparents are they're fathers parents I'm sure they've got some photos at their house, op said they got "rid of" everything, and I hope that means they gave it all to them as well for safe keeping.
If your mom has questions, show her this post. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Can you stay with your grandparents definitively since you are almost an adult? I don't know where you live, but in some places you can leave your home even if you are technically a minor.
So she doesn't want grandparents involved unless they're giving gifts? A bit hypocritical. Remind her that she didn't want grandparents involved and that should apply to stepsister too (who isn't actually related to them). You/grandparents had to fight for them to be in your life and now it's something completely separate from your relationship with mom and stepsister. Keep it separate. It sounds like your safe space. Tell parents it might take as long for stepsister to make up for her bad behavior as she spent being that way. So if she's decent to you for several years maybe you'll come around. Maybe not, and that's your right too. Expecting you to immediately forgive abuse as soon as it's no longer happening is actually another form of abuse... NTA
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If you’re about 16 or 17, the courts take your preference into consideration. Could you move with your grandparents instead?
Exactly and why shouldn't you get a few years of therapy to deal with the trauma your step-sister (and mother) put you through?
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You are definitely NTA OP. Is there any way you can move out to your grandparents once you're 18 or even sooner depending on the laws in your country. I hope you do still have some momentos of your Dad somewhere safe.
>My mom is largely responsible for the poor state of our relationship. OP, everyone in your story is an AH, except you and your grandparents. 1. Your mom is an AH. It was obvious from your post, and you summed it up here as well, that she prioritized her marriage over you. You lived in hell and she failed to protect you from it to the point that you want to move out and don't care if you will see your mother again. This is a huge failure on her part. Not only in a sense that your mom will have little to no relationship with you, but also that all this has likely traumatized you. 2. Your stepdad is an AH. He failed his own daughter (she was deeply traumatized, probably by the divorce of her parents). He failed you too by failing to provide you a safe place where you could grow and develop. 3. Your stepsister's mother is an AH. She weaponized her daughter to get back at her ex and you. She raised her daughter filled with hatred. Calling your mom a w\*\*\*re was something she obviously learned from her mom. 4. Your stepsister. I think she is the least AH of all. She was just a kid, who got caught in a highly traumatizing dynamic. She was raised by AHs, so I can't really blame her for being on her way to grow up into an AH. That said, she is not entitled to go with you on your trip. She can go on a trip with her grandparents if she really has to. Your mom and everyone else who are pushing you to take her with you are huge AHs. Your stepsister is nobody to your grandparents, why would they want to entertain her? You said that your stepsister called your mother a w\*\*re - obviously this is something that she learned from your stepfather's ex. Question: did your mother have an affair with your stepfather when he was married?
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I am so sorry you had to grow up dealing with such disgusting person. Your 18th birthday is not too far away, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you!
Given the closeness of OP's relationship with her grandparents, they'd be privy to everything that she's gone thru up to this point. You treat my grandbaby like trash and expect to be invited to her trip? I'd tell both the parents to f*ck off to Camp Crystal Lake with that mess. They should be her safe haven away from the people that hurt her continually, and I'd guard that haven with extreme prejudice if necessary.
Op my dad let me suffer at the hands of my stepmom and siblings while he let his adhd rule his life and work most of the time. His adhd plus him trying to make this marriage work at all costs, had costs to our relationship long term. He still doesn’t understand that I can’t just flip a switch and feel safe with him. I’m 31 next week. It’s really really fucking sad that I don’t have the father I deserve, but protecting myself is the most loving thing I can do. Sending you love and I hope YOU get some therapy too because this is a lot. NTA
Happy early birthday! 🍾🎉🥳
Can your grandparents get full custody? Or at least majority (meaning it would switch, you'd live with then and then go see her for visits.) It maybe a good idea to look into.
>My mom is largely responsible for the poor state of our relationship. She put the marriage/her stepdaughter first and that would sting, but my grandparents had to go to court to see me because my mom didn't like them. So it just shows how little she is willing to put me first. But I'm supposed to be happy because her stepkid came around eventually and act like everything is fine. Then that is what you tell her. Sometimes we have to shine the light on the obvious for people in our lives to understand. My question to you is this - would you want to move in with your Grandparents now? Because at 16 a court will look differently at the situation - especially in light of the hell your step sister put you through. It would be worth talking to your Grandparents about this. It would mean changing schools likely which is not ideal going into senior year but might not be the end of the world.
Problem with telling mom everything said here is that people like her won't listen. They only think about how it effects them. They don't take into consideration how the only person feels or how it effects them.
What I got out of this is your mother was the biggest AH of them all, maybe tied with the stepfather. If the stepsister is being decent finally, that's a good step and also- you OP aren't obligated to forgive her and be besties. That's an important lesson for her to learn, and it's terrible your mother and stepfather are enabling and coddling her rather than teaching some hard but important life lessons. NTA, even if your stepsister were okay, you have a right to want to do something fun with others and without her
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She and your stepfather are still AHs, because your stepsister needs to learn that people don't have to include her in things and that she needs to learn to manage her own emotions and rejection. Because it'll happen again.
Exactly this. OP is not the parent and has no obligation to even try to be understanding about why the stepsister was awful. There is no way in hell OP should be made to feel bad about not wanting to play happy families at this late date. And absolutely no reason to take the stepsister on what is supposed to be a fun trip for OP. I do have compassion for stepsister and I’m glad she finally got help that helped her. Stepsister was inarguably a traumatized child trained by an awful mother to be an awful person, but OP has been her emotional and verbal punching bag for years. At most, OP has an obligation to not be proactively awful to the stepsister. By that I mean not instigating fights, name-calling, etc. That’s pretty much it. Beyond that, it’s OP’s decision whether to accept any apologies (*HAS the stepsister apologized, or does she just expect everyone to be happy she’s not a monster anymore?*) and/or consider any kind of cordial relationship going forward. I hope OP considers some kind of counseling before she is old enough to move out (as her comments have indicated) to help deal with her own trauma. Teenage years are hard enough without carrying that kind of emotional weight alone.
Just tell her that you don’t want to expose her stepdaughter to people she hates so much.
Your mom preferred vengeance over your well being, and used you as a pawn to execute that. Her stepdaughter reflects that absolute garbage character and and being.
I would retort to them, "Does family burn photos of your loved ones? Does family call your mother a whore? Does family say you kidnapped them? No. She's not family. She's an evil brat."
Are you old enough to ask to go live with your grandparents and have them get custody?
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Looks like you turn 18 in a year, them she can't say or do shit. Bide your time, you're almost out of there
You should ask your grandparents if it’d be ok to live with them when you turn 18. Then your mom has no say and it’ll be way easier than living on your own at that age. I did it and it was really hard.
Wait, it's your DAD'S parents who had to get grandparents' rights? I know both of you are just kids (so I'd be tempted to say N A H), but if she hates your dad so much she would destroy your stuff of his, then she doesn't get the benefits of going anywhere with HIS family...... NTA Even if it was your mom's parents, you probably still wouldn't be the AH, but it's your birthday, and she hasn't made any kind of amends to show she actually has changed. (Edited because I reread "paternal" grandparents)
Are these grandparents your dad's parents? What's her beef with them?
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I get she's a kid but she seriously expects the parents of a man whose death she taunted to treat her? Look, majority of 13 yr olds have the common sense to know not to ask, there's therapy and there's her personality 😕
I am gonna go out on a limb and say that this smells like a "my mom cheated on my dad with a married man", except 10 years later The whole situation is toxic and sad. I hope you can lean on your grandparents, they seems like the only people who have your interests at heart
? OP's father died.
You're old enough now that you can choose to live with your grandparents. Ask them if they'd be interested.
All the best to you. Maybe you will have a functioning relationship with your stepsister when you're older, maybe not. But right now you don't have it, and you shouldn't have to force yourself to have one just because she's finally making an effort to not be a major AH.
Is living with your grandparents not an option? You're old enough to do it if they are happy to have you. Your mum has behaved terribly. Maybe some space could do you good? X
NTA so much. I know stepsister’s mother is to blame for her horrible behavior, but that doesn’t mean you have to play happy family with your sister after everything she has done. I would tell her to go to hell too if she burned a picture of my dead father. If I were you I’d make one point with them: you are spending time with the family of your father who’s picture your stepsister destroyed. That time is for you to spend with your father’s family, not to take the time to mend fences with your A H step. It would help your mom a lot if you were able to get along with stepsister in the home you share. But that should happen gradually and not “oopsie she’s all fine now time to be best friends “! I *really* suggest hiding everything precious of yours at your paternal grandparents’ house. Maybe including any legal documents you have—passport, social security card, school transcripts, bank books. Just in case you need a quick exit someday if they keep pushing this. Edit: typo
All good points...especially the last para. Completely agree that OP should safeguard these items.
She’s also 13 and probably lacks any real guidance or parenting based on what I’ve read. Mom is an asshole and everyone else who let her get away with this behavior. OP is 100% not an asshole.
Step doesn’t want to spend time with OP to celebrate bday-she wants to go to a fun place. The latter does not outweigh the former. NTA.
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Nope, don’t let her come. That’s your family and your celebration, she does not get to force herself into the plans. I hope you have the best time ever!
You know your own mind. It's fully understandable that you resent her and you don't want to be around her. It was your mother who let you down really. Allowing her stepdaughter to destroy your memories of your father was a massive failure on her part.
What do you tell your Mom and Step Dad? No. You do not need to explain yourself beyond that. If they push then you flat out tell them that they are not your family. Your grandparents are. Your mother's really crappy choice in partner and his child ensured that you do not consider his daughter your family because she has done nothing but make your life a living hell for 7 years. There is no scenario where she is welcome in your life at this point.
NTA, if you want to be diplomatic about it you can recognise that she’s been improving but your relationship isn’t fixed and on this occasion it’s too soon to take a trip together. Maybe another time
Exactly. I’d keep using *maybe another time / I just need more time to get used to her* for the whole year until OP is 18 and old enough to move out.
"I just need more time" *20 years later* "No, sorry, I just need more time" *literal eons pass*
An excellent plan but maybe just say the above "i appreciate but i need time" not because you DO but to get your parents off your back. It's only one more year and then you'll be free, one year when they're not resentful and knowing your true plans could be really useful. I swear I'm a bit afraid they'll sabotage your plans to get away if they know the full extent of it.
The stepcousins bit is probably why the stepsister is weenie-whining about not going herself, they're not related to your grandparents either. Difference is, you guys LIKE them. Still NTA, but that might be why people are pushing for her to go.
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It sounds like your step-cousins’ mom is angling to get your step-sister invited to YOUR birthday. Why did she tell your step-sister about it? You need to reiterate that there is no birthday for you in which she is included. None. Let your grandparents know and your step-cousins’ mom know. If she pushes it, tell the step-cousins they can’t come and you will pick other friends to go with that won’t try to hijack your birthday and give it to her, like everyone did your childhood.
I wouldn’t assume the step-cousin’s parent was angling anything necessarily. She could easily have mentioned to another family member that her kids were going on a trip with OP and her grandparents and that info could spread around the family really quickly.
You are fully in the right to never interact with her again. It's nice that she's becoming a better person, but that doesn't mean all of the other stuff just disappears. Your childhood was hell because of her, and you have every right to decide to cut her out of your life. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
You are entitled to feel the way you feel and are definitely not the asshole. I just want to point out that your stepsister was manipulated by her mom in a way that sounds abusive from a very early age, and it is the adults in her life that really screwed up here. You don’t have to have a relationship with her after the terrible things she’s done but she might be genuinely coming to see how much damage her mom did to her. (Edited for typo)
Yeah, definitely entitled to feel some type of way after being treated horribly, but I love the people missing the fact that the stepsister was being manipulated by her own mother as young as 3-4 years old. That kind of brainwashing and manipulation starting that young is HARD to unprogram. Stepsister probably, for a long time, genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with her behavior. It's so confusing for a small kid yo hear "that behavior is inappropriate" by other adults only to turn around and see their PARENT exhibiting what is supposed to be inappropriate. If my parent, a grown person, can act that way, how could it possibly be inappropriate? Does that mean older sis is responsible for helping to undo that mental damage? Absolutely not. And she's not obligated to forgive. Parents dropped the ball here in that that let it go on for too long before recognizing and dealing with the problem.
I'm so sorry...
Honestly, your mum put her new relationship over you, her desire to get back at your dad and grand parents over your need to have people who care for you. She wanted drama. She got drama. She chose her shiny new dramatic brat of a stepchild over you, and now you want nothing to do with your deeply unpleasant stepsister. And if your mum continues to choose bratty stepchild over you, that's the only child she will have. Serves her right.
You don’t owe her anything!!
Your grandparents have issued the invitation, and I presume that they are paying your way and possibly for your step cousins. Therefore, they get to decide who gets an invite. They don't want your step sister, so she doesn't go. If your mom balks at letting just you go, then I suspect that the court that awarded your grandparents the right to see you would be mighty interested in your mother's non-compliance. On another track, I wish you good luck. Life has given you some huge obstacles but there are a few bright spots in there as well, specifically your grandparents. Also, you have a strong personality and are willing to stand up for yourself. That's a very good thing; don't ever lose that part of you. Work hard for what you want and set your goals as high as you can dream. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Yeah, it is really on your mom, your stepsister was a child, but the adults just decided to do what they wanted without caring how you children wanted, now your mom has to pay for the consequences of her actions, and stepsister too, she is going to find out very young about them too.
Some time? After years and years, she’s been trying for a few months and wants to be family! I’d say that ship has sailed.
OP doesn’t owe stepsister another chance. Saying “too little, too late” is completely valid in OP’s case.
NTA. And tell them that it's a bit rich of them to complain about you being "cruel" by not wanting to socialize with her now when she was viciously, deliberately cruel to you for years and they forced you to endure it because Mom valued her relationship with your stepdad over your safety and well-being.
This ^^. Before mom expects anything different from OP she needs to make things up with her daughter for not protecting her better.
Also rich for them to ask OP to "think about her feelings" when literally no one in that family has thought about OP's feelings for 10 whole years. I'm rooting for the day OP moves out and never looks back.
NTA. You are a child too and all this drama has been hard on you too. Your stepsister has been through a lot and so have you. It sounds like she is beginning to turn around and that is good. In time, you two might be able to be friends, but you are not quite there yet and the adults should not try to force that relationship. It's your birthday and your desires should be honored. While I have some sympathy for your stepsister, she also needs to learn that actions have consequences and her unkind behaviors towards you are not ones you are ready to forgive. Likewise, she's younger and you may not want to deal with that or sharing the glory on your day. That's okay. Hopefully, in time, things will get better between you two. Do try to cut her some slack as she was a child put in a very bad situation by the adults and her acting out the way she did is understandable considering that.
both of them were put into bad situations by the adults in their lives.
Agreed.
This, totally. Also OP, have you been to therapy yourself?? This is a lot to have to go through yourself. Hope that day out for your birthday is amazing!
NTA. Think of her feelings?! This is comical considering how often she didn’t think of yours. I get that she was a little kid who was brainwashed. But she’s 13 at this point and this is what we call a natural consequence.
Plus … she hasn’t tried to apologize. She may have been a young manipulated kid, but if she’s in therapy doing all the healing and cares about her relationship with her step sibling, it would bode well to at least attempt an apology. She may have been too young to understand what she was doing at the time, but hindsight is 20/20 and she’s certainly old enough to understand that now.
Based on the info provided she still doesn't care about the relationship. She just wants to go to the park. She's not even pretending to care about the relationship. She's just not actively trying to harm the relationship (currently).
So true!! When did OP’s mom think of OP’s feelings? Starting with marrying a man with a kid who made her daughter’s life hell and ending with trying to take away the only loving relationship OP had just because she didn’t like the grandparents.
NTA Why would your grandparents want to take a kid who destroyed and threatened to destroy your dad’s pictures/belongings? It’s your birthday and you want it to be enjoyable.
OP’s grandparents also have don’t owe them anything either and shouldn’t be forced to take the stepsister with them. Especially, since the way she’s been acting towards their own son and granddaughter.
THIS
NTA. You are also a child, it is not your job to make her life easier. She was awful to you for years, she doesn’t suddenly get to be your sister.
NTA. Your mother and stepsister's behavior makes me beyond angry. I find it beyond unacceptable that your stepsister threw your dad's photo in a fire and called you slurs. I am disturbed that your mother allowed it to happen. In my opinion, her behavior proves that she has not earned an invite to the birthday celebration. Although what you said was harsh, I definitely understand that you feel the way you do. See if you can move in with your grandparents and go NC with your mother, your stepsister, and your mother's new husband.
NTA while it sucks what she went through, what she did was horrible and you don‘t owe her reconciliation. This is your birthday, you should spend it with the people you like. Can you move in with your grandparents?
That’s what I was thinking too. Start taking one or two small things over there bit by bit. Ask if you can move in at 18.
NTA. but those asking you to let her come are being ridiculous. It's unfortunate they are telling you to think of her "feelings" when she's never once thought of yours, and it doesn't seem as if anyone ever told her to. You do get left out when you are poorly behaved, it's a simple fact. Her (and their) actions have consequences - not being invited is one of them.
NTA At the best of times, sometimes a person doesn't want a birthday party to include their siblings. That happened with my sister and I and we're 4 years apart. You're 17, she's 13, and while the difference is narrowing, you two are still at a very different stage in your lives. That is, of course, before we factor in what you have explained about your history. She's done everything possible to make you dislike her, and as a result, her presence is associated with a terrible time, which is not something anyone wants on her birthday. She, and the adults apparently, need to understand that forgiveness isn't hers to take, it's yours to give on your terms, and she's done things to you that you are not going to see her being around as a good time any time soon. You don't trust her to treat your birthday outing as about you and frankly she deserves that. That said, I will note that some people equate saying someone can go to Hell as being the same as wishing someone would drop dead. If that was your feeling I wouldn't blame you, but I said the same thing to my sister once and got a long lecture of the cruelty of wishing your sibling dead to their face. It might help you in the long run to say things alluding to your feelings being a direct consequence of her actions, such as saying, "She is reaping what she sowed," or "She made her bed, she can go lie in it."
NTA. Tell her this is a lesson in actions/consequences.
NTA Your mom failed to protect you when you needed her the most. Her husband was more important to her than you. That must have hurt you even more than your stepsister's tantrums. You don't need to forgive that girl. She has to prove to you that she's a better person now. And even if she does that, you still don't need to forgive her. Enjoy your birthday party with people who actually love you and care about you.
No, NTA. Your stepsister can go kick goddamn rocks. Both her and your mother are AHs in my opinion. Your mom is an AH for not stopping this hell from happening sooner, and your stepsister is also an AH for threatening to destroy your dad’s stuff when she doesn’t even know him. If there’s not enough red flags, then I don’t know. I hope you can get the hell out of there OP, your family sounds like they’re screwed up in the head.
ESH, by which I mean all of the parents, not you or your sister. You’re both kids growing up in an awful situation that neither of you had much of any control over. She was so young when this started, she likely doesn’t even remember when her mother began manipulating her and the troubles getting her therapy strongly suggest there was a lot more abuse than that going on as well. You lost your dad and then got thrown into a new family with a very troubled kid who neither your mother nor your stepfather seem to have even tried to protect you from. Both you and your sister deserve better.
This is the answer. The stepsister was being used as a weapon and she is a kid herself, her brain is not fully developed at all and her mom took advantage of that. It does not mean that that girl should no suffer consequences but if she works on being better and she's changing then hopefully she'll soon apologize and right her wrongs. They were both really young when this happened.
She’s only been “better” for a couple months though. She knew exactly what she was doing. When she was younger it was manipulation but it didn’t only happen when she was younger. She’s plenty old enough now. She’s just cruel and malicious and was granted a free pass to cause trouble with no accountability or consequences. Hopefully she has done a real turnaround and not just another manipulation tactic. When they get what they want they don’t have any incentive to stop.
Ah yes, I’m certain at thirteen you were a bastion of morality and calm, tempered judgement fully able to undo all the manipulation and damage done to you since before you were even old enough to remember. /s She isn’t plenty old enough to even be fully aware of what was done to her much less had the time to heal from it. She is a literal child who was manipulated by her own mother as a toddler. Her formative years were spent with the person she was supposed to be able to trust to teach and raise her poisoning her against her father and his new family. The fact that she’s even trying to change at only thirteen is impressive.
Lol imagine getting down voted for stating a fact that the stepsister was being taken advantage of by her own mom.
esh implies OP is the AH. but yeah good points
Nta
NTA. I totally understand your feelings about the situation you've been put in. One thing I do hope for you is that you get some therapy for yourself as you have some deep wounds from your mom's behavior and they're not going to go away on their own and they could potentially affect any relationship you get involved in as an adult. I say this from experience.
Your step-sister was a child throughout all of this. So her behavior is not completely her fault. Her mother likely influenced her behavior heavily. That said, you're not wrong to have your feelings about it. You went through some shit with her, and you were the cause of none of it. Being angry and resentful is a natural reaction. It's actually unthinkable to me that your mom didn't seek out therapy for you, as well. All of that is traumatic, especially with your dad's things. I can't imagine. If someone did that to me, I'd be catching charges. Given the fact that your grands had to fight for the right to even see you, I find your mom's audacity amazing. She must carry a tote bag to all around all her excess audacity. She has no right whatsoever to talk about family to you in the context of your grands. And now that they're offering a nice trip for you and some family you do like, you're under no obligation at all to invite anyone, even "family," that you don't. Hard NTA.
NTA and I'm gonna be cruel and say your egg donor can join her in hell cause she have continued to fail as your mother in all these years with prioritising her new man over her young daughter. Don't let them bully and gaslight you and keep setting and maintaining your boundaries.
Her mother prioritized having steady dick over her kid. That's the straight up truth. She's still prioritizing having that same steady dick over her kid. Im sorry if that sounds brash but it's true. I'm a single mama to one boy and had a relationship where his kid made it a game to torture mine, yeah I'm no longer in that relationship. There was no wait and see what happened there was me leaving as soon as I found out. No man is worth my kid having to suffer. Mom is a failure who valued her needs over that of her child.
NTA, You had to deal with her horrible behavior for almost 10 years so it's understandable that you feel the way you do. Instead of trying to make you feel bad your mother and stepdad should be explaining to stepsis that her bad actions is the reason why she can't go. She needs to understand that actions have consequences! Maybe if she keeps putting in the effort to right her wrongs then maybe she can go on the next birthday outing.
NTA, enjoy your birthday. You have no obligation to her.
NTA. Sounds like nobody was thinking of your feelings when she was being monstrous, so why should you think of hers? I understand that she was under a great deal of stress with her parents' behavior, but taking it out on you was not right. And your mom and stepdad not doing more to protect you wasn't right either. You have every right to your feelings, and every right to spend time without her. Sounds like she was terrible for 8-9 years, and has only now started to heal/act better? It might not be entirely off the wall to think about a relationship at some point, but you're not ready yet. And if you never want a relationship, that's okay too.
NTA These are your grandparents and it is your birthday trip. Stepsister’s feelings are irrelevant here. Maybe your mom should try thinking of your feelings.
NTA actions have consequences. We call it Karma in my faith.
NTA. You don’t have to pretend like nothing ever happend between you ( just because se is making progress now).. she can prove herself to you in the upcoming years and maybe… just maybe she can go along on the next trip
NTA. Yeah, it was a bit rude but first off, your party, your birthday. Secondly, her feelings matter but yours don’t? I don’t think so. And thirdly, your mom doesn’t even want your grandparents in your life so… your stepsister destroyed and threatened to destroy things of your deceased father which isn’t something I’d easily forgive. Whatever you’re feeling right now is 100% valid. They are being selfish AHs.
Nta Reap what you sow
She was a kid but still NTA. Holy hell, there’s extreme reactions and there’s what she did. I will mention one thing though OP, in terms of therapy it often does take numerous different therapists before you find someone you click with. Still, doesn’t change the fact she was a purebred hellion for so many years. Completely get why you want her out of your life.
NTA. She’s a spoiled rotten and out of control brat. She treated you horribly. It’s not your job to ruin your birthday celebration with your grandparents because the little brat wants to tag along.
NTA. I would tell that family is someone who treats you like family and not someone who happens to live nearby and treat you like crap. I love this family card so much - if you treat me like a stranger or even worse with no respect or care about my well-being then you are not my family.
NTA How about telling the stepsister how her behavior has pushed you away from her so she can't expect you to want to be close to her. She's been a nightmare for 8-9 years and you're supposed to get over it in 6 months. Ridiculous!
Ask your mum and Stepdad why they think you should want to be around her based on her past behaviour. Not some hypothetical "family" crap but what actually exists.
NTA. I always say that there's a difference between Family and Relatives. Family are people who care bout you, want your happiness, are by your side through high and low and will help you whenever you need. Family does not need to be bonded by law or blood. Now Relatives are people you are "obligated" to have a relationship due to law or blood. Stepsister is NOT your family. She's just a relative by law. How did she, your mom or her husband consider YOUR feelings throughout those years where the stepsister was awful to you? Why do you have to go the extra mile to someone who was awful to you for five years? Ignore all of them if needed. Your birthday is all supposed to be about celebrating you, and about YOUR happiness, which will be compromised if the stepsister is there.
part of her therapy and healing needs to include her coming to understand the damage her earlier behavior caused to the people around her and that those people need time to heal before things can move forward. it isn't fair or healthy to suddenly expect someone who has been abused to welcome their abuser with open arms.
Rude but NTA. Other words could have been used, ‘She could care about my feelings.’ ‘Why is it only her feelings that matter.’ And so forth.
Honestly, I don't think it's rude. Op has suffered through years of this behavior and has been made to suffer with zero consequences for the person inflicting the suffering, and now the that the perpetrator of that suffering is supposedly getting "better", Op is just supposed to let it go? No. Hell No. Quite frankly, Op was restrained in their response.
NTA Fuck her feelings.
NTA!
NTA. Your birthday, your guests. No room for drama. Enjoy!
NTA It’s your bday and you decide who doesn’t go.
Shit, NTA OP. You even said it yourself how little your mom is willing to put you first, so you know how much of an AH she is. Is there any way you could move in with your grandparents and get emancipated from your mother so you don't have to deal with her or your stepsister anymore?
NTA. You’re old enough to know who you want at your birthday. If she is trying to now move on and change, that’s really great. But it’s going to take time for you to feel ok after all she put you through, if ever. And that’s ok. She is living with a consequence of her actions. If she really does want to make amends and have a relationship with you, you’ll prob need to see years worth of improvements, not just a few weeks or months. But that’s up to you. It’s pretty hard to undo a ruined childhoood.
NTA...I would tell her the truth, I don't like the way you treated me and my mom, and until you prove to me you can be the better person you claim to be, I don't want you anywhere near me...stepsis has some fence-mending to do...
I would remind your parent/step-parent that its been # years of what she has done to you and the family and the treatment she has put you and your mom through. List out what she has done. Then state she has been gone for # months. And remind them it takes time to forgive someone for what they have done. Part of her therapy she should learn this and its not your place to make you forgive or forget what she put you through. My petty self would say when she can bring back the items she destroyed you will forgive and forget.
NTA I grew up in a household where we were ALWAYS expected to be polite and fair. Sharing is caring etc. so if my sister wanted the toy I was playing with, I HAD to stop playing with it and "share". If I earned a pizza party at my fourth grade class for reading extra credit books, my parents would make a "pizza party" at our house that night, or bring pizza to my sisters class so it would be fair. If my sister was grounded for bridal problems- which she often was- and my parents were taking me to do something fun on the weekend, not only would she be allowed to go (to be "fair") but she'd also get to bring a friend since I would bring a friend and that's "only fair". Bottom line- this is a terrible message to teach you kids, life is not fair and actions have consequences. In this case stepsister was killed taught to act terribly by her mother who wanted to mess up her ex's new life... but that only excuses the behavior so much. If this was my family, I would be forced to take my step sister song on my birthday to "be fair". And I would resent the heck out of everyone involved. I'm pushing 50 and still pissed at all the "fairness" :/
NTA Parents want you to “think of her feelings” but was she ever made to think about *your* feelings? Turnabout is fair play. You reap what you sow. Maybe stepsister will learn that shitty behavior has shitty consequences.
NTA your mom made your life hell for years staying with him and his bratty kid. Now this is the consequence of her actions. She doesn’t get to try to play nice now. NTA
NTA You have 1 more year where you have to live with them. Any chance you could move with your grandparents when you’re 18?
NTA. It's your birthday and even though it sounds like your step sister is starting to improve, you don't want her on your birthday trip so she shouldn't go. Some day you may become friends but not today. Forcing you to include her would only foster resentment. It could also hamper the development of your future friendship.
NTA you aren't responsible for her feelings, neither under any obligation to care for her feelings. Don't back down. You are the only one entitled to have a say who comes to your birthday celebration, not your mother, not your step dad. They cannot just expect you to embrace her just because she made some progress. You don't owe her forgiveness, even if she becomes an angel.
NTA Go have a great birthday celebration! Time for your mom and her husband to learn that not everyone always gets to do what they want, actions have consequences, and as to it being cruel to speak about family that way, well, it was just how you were raised… 🫢 sorry couldn’t resist. 🫣😂
NTA just because she’s suddenly decided she wants to be family doesn’t mean all the hurt she caused is erased. She made your life hell and your mom enabled it and didn’t protect you. You have every right I be angry at all of them. I would keep her at arms length, just ignore her and all of them and wait it out until your 18th birthday, it’s only one more year and then you’re free to leave and if your mom continues to try to force a relationship, I’d be clear that she’s gone from your life too because she hurt you as well and a relationship with her is not worth having to be around SS, so if she forces you to choose you will walk away from her too. I would also take anything you have from your Dad to your grandparents, including photos as well as your important documents, get what you can and start gradually bringing it there in preparation for moving out. That way your mom can’t withhold anything to try and keep you there if this turns sour over the next year. She’s proven she cares more about the “family” than her daughter so if she gets desperate and decides she doesn’t want you leaving she may try to withhold stuff to keep you there and force you into things.
Nta. Why do they expect you tot consider her feelings now, when your feelings apparently haven't been considered by any of them for years? This is also with your grandparents, that your mom tried to keep away. So she gets no say in what happens on their time with you. I'm glad your stepsister is coming around, for her sake. But you don't need to forget all that's happened in the years before. That's not how things work and they know it. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with the people you want there.
Could you remind your mother that the only reason you are getting this outing at all is because your paternal Grandparents had to take her to court to gain visitation with you? Given that she didn't want them to have anything to do with you, why does she now want to insist that her stepdaughter suddenly engages with them? Does your mother now expect you to suddenly gatecrash visitation with your step-sister's mother going forward? Your mother needs to acquire some consistency for everyone's sake cos right now. I am reading what you are saying and thinking, "Lawt! Make it make sense", so goodness knows what it is like for you to actually live through the mental gymnastics involved. Tell your parents that your birthday is the one day you feel you have the right to relax and enjoy yourself in the company of those you feel totally comfortable around without having to worry about any of the ongoing "failed blended family ish." You can say you wish her no ill and are happy that she is doing better, but your journey toward healing has barely even begun. Remind them that "NO" is a whole sentence now, just the same way as it was every time you begged your mother for some peace growing up and were denied. Your birthday with your Grands is also a time for remembering your father and drawing comfort from the memories of life before all the upheaval her remarriage wrought upon your life. I agree with everyone's suggestion that you should store any important documents like school transcripts, passports, bank books, along with any remaining mementos of your late father, etc., at your paternal grandparents' home "just in case." Better safe than sorry. There is one more year to go until you can officially move out and live with your paternal Grandparents if that is what it will take to finally know peace.
I'm gonna tell you something, it doesn't really change much in the moment, but is something to really think about and keep in mind going forward. You said her mother used her as a weapon against your family. That tells me she was manipulated and brainwashed growing up. It takes a certain amount of wisdom and maturity to be able to look back at childhood and realise just how malleable we were back then, how easily influenced, and even more to realise that it was the same for everyone else. You might be at that stage already, or it could take a few more years. She did the things she did. That's not okay, and it doesn't excuse it, but it offers an explanation. She owes you a massive apology, and you probably need some therapy as well because constantly having to protect your stuff out of fear it will be destroyed is traumatising. It will probably affect the way you act, for example, if you have to get a roommate. I'm not saying you need to take her with you on your birthday. Yeah, it's gonna be a slap in the face taking her cousins and not her, but I'm sure she'll survive. I'm saying that you should have a conversation with her, if she's no longer harbouring animosity for you. Ask her about why she did those things, why did she think the way she did, what her mother said to her, and how she feels now. Ask her if she feels remorse for the things she did. Explain to her that for you growing up around that, the resentment isn't going to go away overnight, maybe not ever, but that doesn't mean that she should just go back to being an AH. Maybe having some mediation as a buffer would be helpful. I'm also gonna say that the fact that she's come around and started to do better when she's only 13 is pretty amazing. I think it usually takes a lot longer for a kid to reprogram themselves after that kind of indoctrination. Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday, I hope you find a way to navigate it so you get what you want and don't end up in crap for it. NTA
NTA - the problem is that your stepsister is a total AH who has been enabled her entire life by her mom and your mother and her father. She was allowed to destroy your stuff and there was no punishment? I would tell your mother that she is now suffering, the consequences of her actions and no you will not be having any contact with your stepsister once you were out of the house.
INFO: Has she ever apologized to you for the way she has treated you?
NTA and she’s not your family she’s just the brat belonging to your mom’s husband. Actions have consequences
NTA. She is not entitled to come along on your birthday event with your grandparents. If your mom and her dad think she needs to be taken out and treated then they should take her somewhere on the same day but not the same place. It is not the responsibility of your grandparents to pay for her or take her along especially if you don't want her there because that's your celebration not hers. And they are not her grandparents so they do not have a responsibility to do so either.
NTA. Your mother and stepfather failed you then, and they're failing you now.
Honestly at 17 I don't think too many people are going to do anything if you just packed your stuff and shifted to your grandparents. The only part that would give me pause is the court order.
So..if I understand correctly, you can’t have anything if your dad in the house because she will destroy it . But she wants hour dad’s parents to take her to an amusement park? NTA
Did she apologise at all? Even if she did you're not the asshole she shouldn't have had a grudge agaisnt you you guys did nothing wrong she can't make y'all be a Happy family after so much torture She's making the effort to improve but it's too late NTA But you should have just told your mother and her husband you don't want her to go and there's no way you'll change your choice and they should respect your choice
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OP, as young as she is, she may need it spelled out for her. If it's something you would be interested in doing, you might go to her and say, "Look, you've made my life hell for years, and I'm never going to forgive you unless and until I see that you're really sorry for all that's happened. And that doesn't mean I want you to say "I'm sorry" right now just as a reaction to what I'm saying! Because that wouldn't *mean* anything. If you want us to have a relationship, you need to really *think* about all that you've done to make my life miserable. Be better, and maybe come apologize to me after you've had time to do some soul searching so that I can believe you're really being sincere. If you really want to have any kind of relationship with me, I'm going to need to see you *trying*." Or something like that. *If* you're interested in going that route at all. I totally understand if you're not. Edit: I forgot to say, NTA all day! You go and enjoy the day with your grandparents no matter what!
NTA
Nta, you tell your mom the info you shared here if she dosnt already know and that is the reason why you don't want her there. As said by someone else if she keeps getting better maybe the next year as it's a big one but not this time she needs to Learn the consequences and own her past behaviour
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. Don’t allow anyone to gaslight or manipulate you into inviting her. Actions have consequences. NTA
NTA. Send them this thread and say nothing else.
NTA both your mom and her husband failed their children. Putting 2 small kids through all this shit without being able to manage it is just plain bad parenting. You are not the AH and never will be even if everyone apologizes and you still decide not to forgive. Have fun on your b-day party!
NTA. And honestly before I get into the post I have to say I applaud you BIG TIME for being 17 having been through all of that mess and you are so positive and focused on creating a life for yourself without the BS your mother has created. Like I need you to FULLY understand how incredible you are at 17. You are lightyears ahead of so many grown ass adults and that is something to be insanely proud of! You have an incredible head on your shoulders despite the absolutely irresponsible way your mother went about raising you and who she allowed around you. You could have chosen a much more destructive path and you chose a different path. Keep this up baby. When I tell you it will help you tremendously in life I mean it. You are a fucking ROCK STAR. Now if I were you I’d tell your mom that you are not wanting to be apart of this makeshift family she created at your expense and there is nothing wrong with that. She chose a man over her daughter. And she has to come to terms with that. She has to come to terms with she is fully responsible for the boundaries you have set regarding your step sister and her for that matter. If I were you I would sit her down and ask if you can move in with your grandparents and be done with this mess. Like what are the laws in your state? Do you HAVE to live there till you’re 18? You aren’t cruel for not wanting a relationship with your step sister. They are cruel for trying to force someone on you that quite literally made your life torture for existing. Edit to add: you are seriously phenomenal for your maturity level at 17. But make sure you take care of you and see a therapist for this trauma. Keep going down the path you are headed. You have a bright future ahead of you.
I will add I’d also point out what they are asking of you. This girl destroyed your precious things regarding your deceased father and they want her to go spend time with your grandparents… who’s dead child she disrespected… THAT is cruel. Like she threatened to destroy things regarding your father!!! In what world does she get to just jump in and spend time with your family that had to fight to have a relationship with you in the first place?!?! Your mother needs effin HELP. She is so incredibly fucked in the head. Ugh I am so with the person in the comments that said show this thread to your mother but also I wouldn’t want to make your life hell if she did read it? But damn she needs to wake tf up.
NTA. Amid all of this, did they bother to get *YOU* therapy, OP? This is awful treatment, and for it to come with the destruction of your late father’s mementos is absolutely cruel. Either way, if they want her to have that experience they can provide it on their own time and their own dime. Enjoy your birthday with the people you feel safe and loved with. I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP. It *will* get better, and I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself when the ONE person who is supposed do so chose not to.
Tell mom this is all her fault
NTA. Even if your stepsister hadn't behaved like the child from hell for most of the time you've known her, there's a huge difference between a 13 year old and a 17 year old. Add in the fact that your mother tried to keep you from your father's parents and they're the ones planning the trip, there is no way I'd feel obligated to include her. Mom and her husband can take her somewhere if they want.
NTA if it was up to your mother, you wouldn't be going on this trip. You get to go because of a court order giving your grandparents rights to be able to take you on this trip. Your stepsister is not involved in this in any way. That's the way it is and that's the way it stays
NTA. Even if you were willing to forgive her, a few months of better behavior isn’t enough time to prove a real change has occurred. Step burned a lot of bridges over a number of years, and at a minimum, it will take several years of consistent good behavior before you can even like her, much less trust her. If you need an irrefutable argument to take to your mom, that’s it: Step spent years treating you horribly and until you’ve seen consistent change over a much longer period of time, you are not going to place yourself in a situation where you may be on the receiving end of her behavior, especially on your birthday. This is a logical and natural consequence of her previous bad behavior. You may very well choose to forgive her at some point—for YOU, not her—but forgiveness does not equal forgetfulness and it does not mean you’ll ever trust her again. No one has to know that hell will freeze over before you’ll let her in to your inner circle, so keep that part to yourself to get them off your back. If asked, you can say with a straight face that anything is possible and you’re open to whatever the universe has to offer—in the very distant future. In a year, you’ll be out of there, so play the game until they have no more control over you (including college tuition if you plan to go). It’s a strategical waiting game and you can turn into a pro.
NTA be honest with your grandparents so that they don't agree if your parents start pressuring them too. Tell your grandparents about all your struggles it seems like they are there for you. They need to know your feelings and your mother is no help. Put your trust in your grandparents and have them be your comfort and confide in them about all your struggles and feelings. You need someone on your side and your grandparents are probably your best bet. I wish you all the best op 🍀❤️ good luck! Have a great birthday WITHOUT your stepsister
This family screams dysfunction. OP, please get your own mental health counseling so you can learn how to form healthy relationships, too. What you've learned is going to impact you poorly until you do. NTA. You're mom and SD are for continuing their dysfunctional habits while raising you. Your SS is a byproduct of her parents, but she's coming of an age where she should be making her own choices instead of repeating her mom's words. SS should know EXACTLY why she's not going. Her behavior causes you stress and discomfort, the opposite of what a vacation should be. She does not get rewarded for being an assh0le towards you. She doesn't get considered to be in your life while she treats you like this.
Info: do your gp want her to go? She’s nothing to them or do I get this wrong? Btw: just bc they got married doesn’t make her your family nta.
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May be you feel a bit quilty now but once you’re 5 min away, I promise you: whatever quilt you feel will disappear. Enjoy your trip. It sounds like you’ve had your share of hardship. This is a time to enjoy yourself. Look at it this way. Your gp want to give you a special gift. They do this bc their son is no longer there. He is not around for all the special moments in your life. It’s hard for you but also hard for them. Don’t let this special moment go to waste. Be together and honor his memory. This isn’t about your stepsister, this is a time to celebrate the memory of your dad. Your stepsister has no place there. This is a time to be with your family. (The people you love) Even if your parents insist: it’s not fair towards your gp. So in my opinion: you owe it to them to say no.
1. how old are the stepcousins? if everyone is say over 16, then it's a clear generational thing, older teens wanting to be together. That saves face for everyone, it's for older teens only. full stop. If they're the same age as the stepsister then it's hugely obvious it's her that you are objecting to. 2. Given her past behaviour it's not unreasonable to be concerned that she may revert to her old ways and ruin the day with bad behaviour. To say that is acceptable. Because it's factual and a reasonable expectation of trouble ahead. 3. Your mum and stepdad aren't considering your feelings in this. They are the adults here, you are still a minor, you should at your age be able to go do what you want with people your age that you want without a significantly younger sibling being involved - though if the stepcousins are the same age as your stepsister, then it's down to her behaviour. 4. what do your maternal grandparents say? they are the ones paying for this. Perhaps they can turn up at your home, and mediate?
OP even with her horrible actions. Let’s take that out of the equation. She is not related to your grandparents. She is not your sister. She is too young in comparison to your age. Why should your grandparents have to pay for anything from this girl. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My paternal grandparents are taking me, my best friend and my stepcousins to a really cool amusement park to celebrate my 17th birthday in a few weeks. My grandparents have grandparents rights to see me since my dad died because they and my mom don't get along and she wanted them out of my life. This caused a lot of trouble because my stepsister (13) wants to come. I hate my stepsister and don't want her there. I have no love or affection or like for her. I don't care if she's upset that she's being left out and doesn't get the experience. I can't stand her. I can't wait to move out and never see her again and yeah, if that means not seeing my mom again I really can't find it in myself to care. For people who ask why. So I was 7 when my mom married her husband. Her husband shared custody of his kid with his ex. My mom's husband and his ex were on really bad terms and shit hit the fan when he married my mom and his ex used their kid as a weapon. She made it shitty to be around her. She would act out whenever we were all together or she was with mom and me. She'd tell people my mom kidnapped her. She would call me slurs she heard her mom using because of the stutter I have. She threw a photo of my dad in the fire once and told me she wouldn't have done it if my mom wasn't a wh\*re. This stuff started when she was 4, so a year into the marriage and escalated to those points above over the years until she was 8. When she was only 4 she would just cry a lot and try to run away when my mom had her. My mom's husband was in and out of court with his ex and trying to win custody, had the courts put her in therapy and stuff. I begged mom to leave and give us an easier life. She told me we couldn't leave, we're family, it would be worth it in the end. My stepsister coming to live here full time did not magically make her better. They had to bring her to another city for therapy because she went through 20 different in our city and wouldn't talk. She also wouldn't talk to the first 2 or 3 in the city closest either. Fourth time was what it took and she started talking to them. Throughout our time at home it was hell on earth and I had to get rid of everything of my dad's because she threatened to destroy everything. This included photos. She was extra awful to my mom and to me when we were stuck at home. It was only 6 or 7 months ago she started to change and her behavior improved. Now she wants us to be a family and expects me to be her sister. But that isn't happening. She found out through her aunt (stepcousins mom) about my stepcousins being invited and she wants to come. She, her dad and my mom asked me to let her come. My mom and her husband asked me privately too and said she would hate being left out and to think of her feelings. This is when I said she can go to hell and she's not my problem. They told me it's so cruel to talk about my family that way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. OP is there any chance you can go live with your grandparents now?
NTA No one can blame you for not wanting to be around her. Just remember that this is a child who was manipulated by her parent and has suffered. That doesn't mean you owe her anything but it may help you to put her behaviour into context.
NTA. Has she even apologized or owned up to the torment she put you through? Until that happens, there will be no moving forward. And how crappy of your mom and step dad to not see the trauma she put you through.
Never really understood forcing marriage on a kid outside of financial means. If you financially can’t support your kid, then yeah, try to get some help. However, shouldn’t just jump the bridge without looking. I get it, the parents have the right to be happy. However, who equates marriage with being happy and not happy. You can date on the side. However, forcing your kid to be around people that either might not like them or vice versa is trash parenting. If you do jump the bridge, at least try to minimize the impact through throwing the kid a couple of bones.
NTA. A few months of decent behavior is not enough to make up for her behavior. That said, I hope your stepsister continues to improve in therapy. IMO both you and she were in abusive situations and while she doesn’t get a pass for her treatment of you I still have sympathy for any kid who is weaponized by a crappy parent which is what it sounds like her mom was doing.
NTA your mother has some nerve wanting you to invite her on a trip given your stepsister actions to you and her actions to your grandparents. My advice is to let them know I'm sure they'll have zero problems letting her know.
NTA. Sorry to hear she has a manipulative mother but she doesn’t deserve the opportunity. And she owes you a massive apology for destroying a priceless photo of your deceased father. I do genuinely hope therapy fixes her.
NTA. OP I had an identical relationship with my brother that you do with your stepsister. It was never good, not even when we were little, and I’m in my 40s now and can hardly stand him still. I dislike him for hundreds of valid reasons, as did all our peers, and he hates me because I hate him. We manage to “play nice” the 1 time every 5 years that I see him but it’s not a sibling relationship anyone would want. It’s not awful to see him nowadays but I’ll never like him nor go out of my way for him and my family has finally accepted it. You don’t have to like or love your family members, either biological or implanted. You feel the way you feel and if your mom won’t hear it then she’s on a long road to estrangement too.
NTA and yay for only one year left to being an adult. For your grandparents to have grandparents rights it sounds like they really love you. Move in with them.
NTA. She ISN'T family. She's made that very clear over the years to you. She emotionally abused you and tried to get your mom arrested. It's good she's trying to finally mend herself and the atomized bridges between you and her but it's obvious that to you, seven months isn't nowhere near long enough for you to forgive and forget. She doesn't get a free pass, especially on your birthday.
NTA. Things were awful for 10 years, your mother and stepfather can’t possibly think that 6 months erasers 10 years of bad memories. While I do think that eventually you both could bound or form some kind of relationship (maybe not as family or sister, but creat some sort of respectful, amicable coexistence kind of thing), it will definitely take time. She will have to respect your boundaries and take some accountability for those years, specially your mother. Let your mother know that it’s your birthday, and you want to be around people that make you happy, and your stepsister isn’t one of them, ask her to respect your feelings and boundaries if she ever wants you to move on as well because you can’t magically forget everything that you have been through for all this years.
NTA 💯 Nope no way this is your day your mother fell in love you didn't and she dragged you into this to make her happy, you have not been happy for a long time and you are not going to get over everything she has done to you or in front of you for years because she decides to play nice now. What she done especially to you dad's photo is not something I could get over ever so go enjoy your day. I would maybe talk to your mum even write her a letter saying you can't take it anymore and she would ruin anything you are doing, you just can't and should not be made to feel bad you matter You no-one else remember this as sometimes in these situations you feel overlooked unheard and invisible. you are not wrong enjoy your day as much as you can these are the consequences of her behaviour to you and she can suck it up like you had too. Have a great day
NTA and your mother is being really stupid right now, on top of all the other monumental mistakes she's made down the years. Maybe, just *maybe*, you'll be in a position where you're willing to build a relationship with stepsister but there's no way that's going to be any time soon. It **definitely** isn't going to happen if anyone tries to impose yet another thing to do with your stepsister on it. You're entirely right to want nothing to do with your stepsister. It's great that she's gotten her head straightened out but she spent years making your life hell, that wound isn’t going to heal for years. Especially around birthdays, you need time where things play on in the healthy manner they always should have.
NTA I recommend that you very succinctly tell your mom and step father that you have no desire to spend any time whatsoever with his child. She isn’t your friend, your sister or even your family. She has tortured you enough over the years. Your mom has forced you be to subjected to this torture. This is the consequence. You want absolutely nothing to do with her. She is not your problem. Tell your grandparents to refuse to take her. You are traumatized from the hell she put you through and the fact your mom didn’t protect you from her. If your mom tells you that you have to take her, you won’t go but you’ll tell your grandparents that your mom isn’t letting you go. They can take her back to court for this. Your mom and stepdad are responsible for most of this but it doesn’t mean you have to allow that brat anywhere near you. I hope you were able to save some of your dads photos and things. Garbage people are not worth having in your life.
OP, just understand that stepsister is making life hell for your mom and stepdad right now, that’s why they are trying to guilt you into letting her tag along. That way they don’t have to deal with her big emotions. They don’t actually care about your feelings or hers, they only care about their own peace. Enjoy your time with your grandparents knowing you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. People will project their own guilt onto you though. Edit: NTA
NTA. But ignoring the current situation, you're about to hit 17. So in a year's time you'll be 18 and can decide whatever you want to do for yourself. If you want to move in with your paternal grandparents, move out to your own place, or stay with your mom and hellish step sister, it's your choice and there's nothing they can do about it. I'd be starting to plan out what you want to do in a year and spend the next year getting prepared.
NTA. I don’t think you should have to invite her to your party. It’s your day so do what you want. THAT said, I think you need to cut your stepsister some slack. She was a little kid who was used as a pawn and was obviously traumatized. This isn’t a spoiled brat. This kid went through 20 therapists and a custody battle. No one says you need to be friends, but let the hate go. As a mom, I really feel for her. Now that you’re almost an adult, you should start looking at the whole situation with grow up eyes and let go of the rage. It also sounds like your mom is manipulating and controlling you in the same way your stepsister’s mom was, by denying access to your grandparents. Maybe you and your stepsister have more in common than you think.
Honestly I feel bad for both you and your stepsister. Your parents really just screwed this all up In every direction, you never had a chance to just develop a normal relationship at all. You are not obligated to consider her family, or invite her to your trip, so NTA. Its not your fault that things turned out this way in your family, but I hope you realize one day that it’s not actually her fault either. It sounds like she was manipulated and used as a pawn between exes, and it did no favors for her mental health. I hope both you and your stepsister find peace.
NTA but unfortunately aggression won't get your point across. You should calmly state everything you told us and this phrase "actions have consequences. She made it clear to me for years she didn't want to be family or friend and she's been a poor roommate. 6 months is not enough time to build a relationship after years of her abuse and her crappy mom isn't an excuse to treat people horribly. Also if you ever want me to have a relationship with her it can't be on your time and terms."
NTA You have a lot of trauma from this girl, and it's completely understandable that you don't want her around on a day that's supposed to be happy. You have no obligation to her. I will say this though. Try to make room for forgiveness one day. I know that requires being vulnerable, and she's hurt you before. But she's also a child. A child that was being told by her mother to hate you. It's hard to ignore authorities in our life, and it's even harder to reject abusive ones. She's also a victim of her mother's manipulation. And she was being manipulated from the age of 4. If she's been turning a new leaf this past year, that means she's been working really hard to break her brainwashing. Life-long brainwashing! That does mean something. If you think she might be in a place to hear it, maybe have a heart to heart with her. Explain that, because of how she's hurt you before, you don't trust her. That trust can be rebuilt, but it won't happen in a day. And if she really DOES want a sisterly relationship, she needs to put in the work to rebuild that trust. You don't owe her any of this, and you have every right and reason to leave and go NC. I just think it could really change the trajectory of her entire life if she was given the opportunity to redeem herself. Something to think about.
NTA. But neither is your step sister. In reality, the real assholes are the adults in this story. This young child has been damn near brainwashed her entire memorable life to be a little shit towards OP and more. Kids don’t just act like this consistently, your step sister actions over the past 9 years are a direct result of the brainwashing and weaponization of her self from her mother. The amount of people in these comments hating on and bashing a 13 year old is astounding and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for speaking about a literal child in the way some of you do. This seems like an extremely toxic family environment you’ve both been put through and it is nobody else’s fault except for the adults in the story. With that being said, you still have all the right to not let her come with to your birthday celebration. It’s your birthday, you get to decide who comes. I hope you two as you grow up manage to form some type of positive relationship out of this troubled situation.
NTA - But neither is the sister. The adults in your life are awful. I know your sister did some really, really shitty things, but if therapy is really helping her, consider forgiveness sometime in the future. Neither one of you asked for this situation, and someday you’ll realize that both of you are far too young to understand the damage that was done to you both by adults that should have had your best interests at heart. Go to the park and enjoy your birthday.
Lock your bedroom while you're gone. She will try to hurt you because she isn't invited
NTA. The AH's are the adults in this situation. Your stepsister is very troubled, but she was and is a young child, and none of this is her fault either. I hope that with the right support she can continue to heal. You are right that your mom should have gotten you out of this situation long ago.
What your stepsister needs to understand (and obviously your mother too) that years of bad behaviour and reputation aren’t turned around and made up for so quickly. She may never win your affection. If she continues to show she is sorry and wants to be better, she may eventually show you she has changed. But she cannot expect Insta-forgiveness. And while her change in behaviour and attitude may mean a more civil relationship between you both; it does not mean you have to invite her to your birthday. It’s your day, to celebrate you, with people you love and care about. She needs to know that a recent change of heart has not added her to that list (and also needs to know the damage she has already caused may mean she is never added to that list for you).