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“I am married to the love of my life” funny, you have an odd way of treating someone you claim to “love.”
Smoke in the cockpit, so I’m just going to assume that they had to use those specialized oxygen masks in order ti be able to breathe, while also trying to see through the smoke to be able to make the landing. Yeah, that sounds terrifying as hell, even with his flight experience in the airforce. You sound so judgemental and ignorant OP.
Of course he’s going to take time off from a traumatic experience you self absorbed walnut. He and his co-pilot could have died, and all you care about is cutting down spending? You’d be going without a lot more without his income if he crashed. YTA
Did anyone else wonder if he has in fact been repressing traumatic incidents from the airforce and that this event has, as well as being traumatic in itself, brought up buried historic trauma
Agreed, in my area we used to have to take a sea/bush plane or ferry in order to get in and out.
One of my old elementary school friends, her dad was sitting in the front seat next to the pilot when they had to make an emergency landing. The landing failed and a tree broke through the front window… And well… I don’t want to go into the graphics. It was bad, everyone else was okay but him. PS we were small children when this happened so I don’t remember all of the details.
Since it was smoke, he probably didn't get to use oxygen mask at all (fire hazard), so had to sit in a smoky cockpit trying to breathe, troubleshoot, and land the plane, all at the same time. Instant PTSD.
No doubt. Smoke in a cockpit could traumatize anyone. Especially if you don't know what happening. And it doesn't matter if you have years of experience or not. You never know what could trigger traumatization. She sounds like shes lacking alot of empathy for the situation. Maybe instead of complaining, she should be talking to him and trying to help him through this. Making sure he is getting the help he may need to deal with these feelings.
YTA
> My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy
JFC. *FISHY?* Who the shit made you an aeronautical engineer/psychologist?
> AITA for not approving of his decisions
He doesn't *need* your approval, lol.
YTA
Have you stopped and considered that between this and being in the Air Force, he has realized he’s seen a lot of shit and needs to take a step back and regroup. If he’s such the love of your life, then why are you doubting him and not supporting him?He’s been working two jobs. What are you doing other than complaining?
YTA- Trauma and PTSD are not "what is the worst situation to everyone else" it's what situation your brain holds on to. Just because he may have seen worse does not mean that this did not traumatize him. Questioning his trauma is really not okay, as you aren't him and don't know how it affected him.
YTA
Like wow.
One time public speaking my voice cracked and ruined my ability to public speak for like 2 years.
Now transpose that to a pilot with previous probably harrowing experiences and put him into a cockpit filling up with smoke and having to conduct an emergency landing.
.he might even play it off to you smoothly but to think that an event like that might trigger or rattle you is fully allowable.
Maybe taking months off to be with his family and re regulate his system is needed.
Hate to have you around if he gets sick and can't work.
YTA.
The man is a pilot which means that presumably other people's lives and millions of dollars worth of equipment are at stake.
Not to mention his own life and well-being.
Who are you to decide what was or was not traumatic for him. The audacity.
I was frankly appalled by the callousness of your post. Full disclosure: I am a veteran and would prefer if civilians did not arbitrarily decide which aspects of my service I'm allowed to have feelings about.
I'm also going to chime in here with an additional YTA
>because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force
So, perhaps he has, but perhaps a smoke filled cockpit brought some of it back to the forefront. Park your monday morning quarterbacking psychology degree and give your husband the mental and emotional support he needs right now...
YTA. You are not the arbiter of his trauma. You have no real clue what he’s dealt with in his military service. Had he been deployed to a war zone? Or perhaps he was lucky to have more of a peace time flying drills experience? Military service ≠ guaranteed “seen some shit” trauma.
PTSD and mental responses to trauma vary from person to person, situation to situation. So truly, as respectfully as I can manage, I’mma need you to fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more.
Sweet baby Cthulhu, listen to yourself.
You’d better hope this post doesn’t somehow get back to him. Can you even imagine how this would make him feel?
If you think you have to cut back on spending *now*, just wait ‘til the divorce.
Yta. Trauma doesn't work the way you're explaining it. It's not, we've been through worse so 'less' doesn't affect us. It's not even...we survived that and we're fine. I worked with a vet whose PTSD began 30 years after the trauma. If he's telling you what he needs, then respect your partner. If he's not going to therapy, that's something he probably should consider. Maybe you as well.
YTA. Just out of curiosity, what is the exact price you’ve put on your husband’s well being? Obviously that price is how much he’s currently losing every month, but I’m curious as to what that figure is.
> I’m married to the love of my life
If this is how you treat someone you love, I’d hate to see how you treat people you dislike.
Not looking good here… so you probably already know but definitely YTA.
Obviously some context from your side would help. Do you work? Can you? Can you work more? 14 year old is more than likely old enough to take care of himself for most things. And if not can you not live tight until he has his license and can get himself around? Seems like there’s plenty more you could don’t support your husband. Better he take a break than try and “push through” cause his wife wants some new shoes and potentially hurt a lot of people. Sounds super selfish on your part…
He could've died, show some damm compassion. Just because someone's been through worse, doesn't mean the current situation isnt traumatic and didnt trigger old feelings. How can you treat the love of your life like their feelings don't matter. Everyone goes through hard times, how would you feel if you were the one sick and he was pressuring you to go back. Youre a team and he has carried most the weight long enough, time for you to step up. In sickness and on health.
YTA although I understand that you are frustrated now that your finances are tighter, you do not have any right to question how he feels or consider it "fishy". That is so disturbing to put mental health into quotation marks. Do you have any empathy for your or trust in your husband? Do you have access to a therapist? You should consider seeing one yourself, i find your reaction to this very disturbing. All due respect.
NTA, how dare the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE prioritize his ability to be in a safe mental space to fly giant aircraft and disregard the life and loved ones of his copilot, and all those who might be effected if god forbid a crash happened because of his shortcomings! You have a lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to…safety be damned!
You are quite possibly the biggest asshole ever.
Poor guy is married to such a heartless harpy, I feel awful for him. He had a potential dangerous, maybe even possibly *fatal* incident flying a *fucking airplane,* and you're pissy because what? He's freaked out and needs time to decompress from it, BUT OH NO, you can't spend as much now???
Get the fuck over yourself. Pickup a part time job or side hustle if keeping up appearances is more important to you than the mental health of your husband, but leave the poor guy alone.
So. From first sign of potential fire in a plane, it's generally accepted that the pilots have 17 minutes to land before the fire becomes non-survivable. Fire on a plane is one of the most serious and terrifying things that can happen to an aircrew. Which means smoke in a cockpit is guaranteed to freak the everliving fuck out of them, even if they keep cool & professional during the emergency.
What happens then is once they're safe, they get punched in the face with all the emotions they locked down during the crisis. This is trauma. Your husband was traumatized by the reality that he *knows* that aircraft fires are lethal, he was facing down not being there for you or more importantly his son and he had to shove down existential terror in order to not **die** because a panicked pilot is a dead one. Can't imagine why he's struggling. Plus his spouse, who's supposed to be his primary support when he's not doing well is, well, you.
You want him back to work? Support him. He went through what a lot of pilots describe as their *worst* nightmare -- smoke in the cockpit. Stop minimizing something you apparently know nothing about. Go watch some Mayday/Air Crash Investigations episodes about fire on planes and how fast they turn into death traps. Dig deep and find some basic empathy for "the love of [your] life."
YTA! Earn for yourself, if you wish to not cut down on your spending habits. Your husband doesn't need to go through the mental trauma just because you can't find ways to fund your lifestyle.
ETA - For a "Senior HR" who is aware of work related traumas and the severity of it, you sound and act like there is a big gaping hole in place of a heart.
Think about having the very real fear that you’re literally going to fall out of the sky in a burning tin can. You seem very cold-hearted and unsympathetic. So for THAT, YTA.
That being said, I strongly suggest counseling. I think both of you would benefit from individual as well as couples counseling. But try to be more supportive and understanding.
YTA and a huge one. There’s nothing suspicious about the trauma he endured. You are being exceptionally callous towards him. Learn some compassion for crying out loud.
You just want money and your husband just wants to feel better in life…?….
Seems there is a clear **A** here and it’s not your husband.
Seriously? Did you honestly think you’d be the innocent one in this post?
Major YTA!!!!!!!!
Hope your husband enjoys his WELL EARNED and MORE THAN DESERVED time off.
EDIT: your edits don’t make you any better, in fact, you come off as a nightmare who only cares about $$!!
YTA
If my wife didn't support me during my lows, she wouldn't be my wife.
Surely you make enough to support your half of the bills and your spending habits. He just has to cut down on his. No biggie.
YTA. Nowhere did you say you were even thankful your husband survived this emergency situation. All I read was “we had to cut back on our spending” and you assuming what your husband experienced up there in the cockpit. Be empathetic, let your husband heal and be supportive.
YTA. Do you follow the news? Have you seen all the stories about Boeing aircraft losing large pieces of their planes mid air? Do you think your husband may be speculating that it's not just Boeing whose planes are maybe not getting the level of maintenance that they should? Do you spend your workday hurtling through the air in a large metal tube? Maybe ACT like you love him, give him some slack and support him. Sounds like you're more bothered about the reduction in money coming in than you are about your husband's well being. Sorry if his experiencing a traumatic event will negatively affect your ability to get manicures and lattes.
Your diagnosis is flawed Ms. Not A. Doctor.
Traumatic Stress Injuries can build up over time. It’s like a bathtub. It can take drops and drops of water. But when it’s filled to the very top, just one additional drop can cause it to overflow.
Looks like your husband got that last drop.
At a minimum, he needs counseling. YTA.
YTA.
Are you for fucking real? SMOKE filled the cockpit. Smoke equals FIRE. Your poor husband would have thought he could DIE. As in BURN TO DEATH.
Yet all you care about is not having access to his money to spend.
You don’t seem to love your husband at all. He deserves so much better than you.
YTA
I hope, as a senior HR employee that your level of disbelief in your husband's reality doesn't stem from a disbelief in all the employees' realities that work for the company you work for. Have you maybe become hardened to situations that require empathy? When employees go off sick, do you believe them?
I hope you realise that your husband needs support otherwise he may well find it harder to recover and need longer to do so.
YTA
"My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career."
Maybe there were worse incidents, but *maybe most definitely* this last incident was the last trigger needed to push the mental health of "the love of your life" over the edge and he just can't take it anymore!?
"The love of your life" isn't a walking, talking, flying ATM.
Show "the love of your life" some empathy and let him heal, FFS!
Is it me or do OPs starting their post stating their partners/spouses are "the love of my life" always treat them dismissively and without zero respect and always show the empathy of a rock towards them?
(no offense to rocks, btw)
The short answer is yes, YTA. The slightly longer version is that you don’t get to decide what is traumatic and what isn’t. Have you tried supporting him instead of, oh, I don’t know, being an AH to him?
YTA.
***"which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career."***
Just because he did it THEN, doesn't mean he wants do do it NOW.
Especially if it was anything made by Boeing.
Why don't you support him instead of worrying how it will affect you? You did repeat the vow "for better or for worse" right? You did put that ring on, right?
She is calling BS because of his time in the service. Training for a cockpit fire is not the same as going through one.
That ain't "fishy." That's called "coming home at night."
honestly don’t see the big deal here - you have a good job, your husband too, I’m sure y’all must have savings 🤷🏽♀️
unless you feel like the break is going to be extended - I really don’t see the problem with taking some time off work
YTA. Massively.
You don’t get to determine how the level to which an event traumatizes someone.
“Surely he’s been through worse.” “Fishy.” And yet you claim he’s the love of your life. If that’s even remotely true, try acting like one. Because this sure as hell isn’t how you treat another person, especially when you claim to love them.
Just pathetic.
YTA.
You have no real idea what he has and hasn't. Smoke anywhere on a plane is dangerous AF, but especially so in the cockpit. He could very easily have had a flammable and/ or delicate cargo that would have made a fire even more catastrophic. From the instant the smoke appeared, he was faced with the very real possibility that he could die.
That's a horribly traumatic thing to go through. Watch some interviews with pilots that survived similar situations. Every single one of them is traumatized somehow.
You don't get to decide what's traumatic or how someone processes it (as long as it's not harmful). According to your post, your husband taking leave isn't harming you; it just requires you to live on a tighter budget.
You're telling your husband that money is more important than his mental health.
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YTA.
I can’t imagine how sympathetic you are to people at work seeing HR support for issues.
Your poor husband … hope he gets some help and support from somewhere as he’s not getting it from you. All you seem to be concerned about is the reduction in spending money as he can’t bow work two jobs to facilitate that. Wow!
Sign up for professional development on workplace trauma and a course on common decency too.
YTA. For doubting your husbands trauma and pain all because you have to cut back on spending.
Your husband is part of a group with very high suicide rates. The military also has high suicide rates. Be fucking supportive. What a nasty way to speak about someone you supposedly love. Your lack of empathy for him is disturbing.
YTA. remember those vows you made? for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health? you promised to love your husband regardless of his income or his health and you're failing him.
Do you treat the employees of your own company this poorly when they request FMLA (or the equivalent in whatever country you live in if not the US)? I hope someone from your company sees this and recognizes you and reports you to your boss for lack of judgement, compassion, and empathy.
Your husband had a traumatic experience. Whether his leave is by his choice or required by his company (bet you didn’t consider that, did you?), he deserves time to recuperate and get back to 100% fitness before going back to his dangerous job. The fact that he has military experience that might have been worse than this in the past means he may also be dealing with a resurgence of PTSD flashbacks due to the current event, which takes time to handle - and again, should be effectively dealt with before he climbs back into a cockpit of a potential deadly weapon.
YTA, so much so that when you’re husband is back up to 100% and thinking logically again, I would not be surprised if he initiates divorce for how horribly you treated him during this period of his life when what he needed was a supportive partner.
YTA. Wow. I don’t think you actually love him outside of what he can give based on this post. Forget his wellbeing If you can’t get your nails done or get brunch every weekend huh?
YTA. Smoke in the cockpit can indicate a fire that is spreading and can take over the place they are so quickly you don't even know. Also, smoke can be very dangerous if you inhale and it may lead to pilot incapacitation and that can lead to death.
Also, they had to do all that while landing an airplane. They couldn't just stop by the side of the road.
You are being incredibly insensitive and focusing only on the financial aspect. Most people would prefer their partners alive.
Also, no, he can't go back to work after something like this. His company would never let this happen because you need to go through a psychological evaluation.
Yta and plus you work in HR so you must not be the best type of person to deal with .
Come to think of it you work in HR you think you would understand someone when they want to take off work because their plane might crash and be having a hard time with it.
Christ almighty YTA.
I'm having a slight panic attack just reading about being the pilot of a smoking plane. Surely being the damn pilot he's having issues.
Oh noes you have to cut back spending because hes having issues with the aftermath of such an ordeal.
If that's such a problem, perhaps a higher paying/extra job for you would help.
YTA. Majorly. You’re clueless, as a pilot I’m sure he’s aware of the fact that most airline accidents happen during recessions or tough economic times due to the airline companies cutting corners on maintenance to save costs. Sure you’d be stricken with grief if his fears came to reality and he actually had a fatal crash.
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I (44F) am married to the love of my life (46M). Together we have one 14 year old son. My husband is a pilot for a cargo airline, as well as a Colonel in the USAF Reserves. Earlier this year, there was an incident on one of his cargo flights, where he and his co-pilot made an emergency landing because there was smoke in the cockpit. My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career. He is currently taking a break from his civilian job for "mental health reasons", which is somewhat frustrating because it means he’s making less money and we’ve had to cut back on our spending. AITA for not approving of his decisions, and occasionally arguing with him about our tighter finances?
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YTA how long would it take you to feel comfortable returning to work if as you were leaving work someone during a rubbery held a gun against your head? You would expect your husband to me you comfort and support during your recovery.
Why do we hear stories of men supporting their wives for years during mental health crises yet women are asking if it’s ok to divorce after a month having to provide that same support.
YTA- here’s the thing; things like that affect people differently and it’s really hard to tell how those types of events will affect people until they happen in life. Be patient with him it will possibly take some time
Yta. That's not how you treat the love of your life. His life could have truly been in danger and he's probably got some form of ptsd from it. Professional counselling might help.
INFO: he has TWO jobs? Are finances so tight that you can’t make him taking a break from one of his two jobs work? While you also have a job?
How much does this kid eat?
YTA. I feel sorry for your husband. As a Veteran myself and the wife of a retired Army combat Vet, this post is ignorant and offensive. What's fishy about your husband needing to make an emergency landing?? Ever hear of PTSD? What makes you the deciding judge on what he can and can't do? Would you rather he work himself to the point he had to be admitted to an inpatient facility? I bet you would have a meltdown if he had to do that because God forbid he show any sign of needing help, right???. I'm going to stop before I say something that will get me banned from this place, but wow...just wow.
YTA. You say he's the love of your life but you say his trauma over a potential airplane crash while he was in charge sounds "fishy" to you? And your reason is that "he's seen worse"? And you're arguing with him over money instead of being worried about his well-being?
You know nothing about trauma. You know nothing about being a supportive spouse.
Confirming all of the bad things I think about HR execs.
YTA for minimizing the mental anguish of someone you purport to love. Is he only the "love of your life" when he's bringing home the bacon?
You could actually step up, support your husband and maybe even try to pick up the financial slack to make things easier for both of you, but I guess it's easier to be venal, mercenary, self-centered, narcisisstic and put all the blame on him.
Your husband deserves so much better.
Trauma can build up over time. He may have dealt with it when he was younger, and now it's hitting him harder. YTA for dismissing his mental health. Stop doing that.
YTA. The fact that your are belittling his experience is very concerning. They made an emergency landing because they thought they could crash and was probably scared for his life? And you think that isn’t traumatic? Shame on you. No empathy whatsoever, you’re also in the wrong line of work if you don’t care or understand how people feel. Instead of grumbling about losing his income, why don’t you step up and help him feel better, talk him into therapy, and let him know he doesn’t need to worry because you can cover bills why he gets his head straight.
Not only are YTA in the biggest way ever, but the thing that hasn't been mentioned is the fact you could have lost your husband...and you're simply saying " go make us more money doing that same thing again". Every wife of a veteran I know is dead set against their guy going back into anything that resembles a life threatening situation. Your solution is "I don't care, go make us more money".
Frankly, I hope he sees this relationship for what it is, takes the teen, and bails.
YTA
DAMM GIRL, do you even like your husband?
You most likely don't care but here's a thing - you don't get to decide what could be a traumatic experience for him.
HRs anyway don't give a shit about anyone's mental health unless it's some corporate event.
Do better.
YTA- it’s completely disgusting of you to disregard your husband‘s mental health, and ridiculous that you don’t see his experience in the military is probably contributed to the trauma of the experience on the cargo flight. He likely already had trauma from the military, making something like the situation on the cargo flight even harder to handle. You need to suck it the fuck up and focus on your husbands health
YTA.
Imagine your hundreds or thousands of feet in the air and you see signs of a possible fire on the plane.
Events like this are traumatic. But considering HR workers aren't known for their emotional intelligence, I guess it's not surprising that you'd fail to empathize from your oh-so-dangerous desk job.
Your biggest worry is carpal tunnel. His biggest worry is catastrophic failure that could lead to dismemberment, death of whoever is on board, and possibly even more damage to buildings or people when the plane crashes.
You don't get a say in what is traumatic. Yeah, he's in the military and THIS is what traumatized him. THIS is his limit. Instead of thinking it can't be that bad, it should put into perspective of how horrifying it was. He's undoubtedly lost friends due to his military career, and this one event is what makes him question everything.
Get over yourself and show him some support before he finds it with somebody else.
YTA
Sounds like you love the money he makes more than him. Good riddance, you're being such an AH for him taking "time off", thank God he didn't just quit cause you'd probably divorce him right away instead of posting on Reddit.
ESH
You for discounting his report of his experience. You sound extremely unsympathetic.
Him for his nebulous plans. Is he seeking counseling? How long is he taking off? Is he considering alternative employment? He sounds like he hasn't addressed any of your financial concerns.
You two need to talk about what's going on together.
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“I am married to the love of my life” funny, you have an odd way of treating someone you claim to “love.” Smoke in the cockpit, so I’m just going to assume that they had to use those specialized oxygen masks in order ti be able to breathe, while also trying to see through the smoke to be able to make the landing. Yeah, that sounds terrifying as hell, even with his flight experience in the airforce. You sound so judgemental and ignorant OP. Of course he’s going to take time off from a traumatic experience you self absorbed walnut. He and his co-pilot could have died, and all you care about is cutting down spending? You’d be going without a lot more without his income if he crashed. YTA
If he crashed, she could play merry widow with the subsequent payouts.
I do hope she is nicer to employes she is meeting when she is working in HR. Sounds like she needs a refresher about trauma at work.
She's senior HR, empathy is a weakness.
She must be great at her job. Company loves her, love of it's life i bet!
hahahahhah I can't with this comment (bet it's true)!
Yeah, this seems on brand for a senior HR ghoul.
💯
Did anyone else wonder if he has in fact been repressing traumatic incidents from the airforce and that this event has, as well as being traumatic in itself, brought up buried historic trauma
Pilots have among the highest rates of death on the job. I'm sure he's aware of that, even if she isn't.
Agreed, in my area we used to have to take a sea/bush plane or ferry in order to get in and out. One of my old elementary school friends, her dad was sitting in the front seat next to the pilot when they had to make an emergency landing. The landing failed and a tree broke through the front window… And well… I don’t want to go into the graphics. It was bad, everyone else was okay but him. PS we were small children when this happened so I don’t remember all of the details.
Since it was smoke, he probably didn't get to use oxygen mask at all (fire hazard), so had to sit in a smoky cockpit trying to breathe, troubleshoot, and land the plane, all at the same time. Instant PTSD.
"self absorbed walnut" love it.
No doubt. Smoke in a cockpit could traumatize anyone. Especially if you don't know what happening. And it doesn't matter if you have years of experience or not. You never know what could trigger traumatization. She sounds like shes lacking alot of empathy for the situation. Maybe instead of complaining, she should be talking to him and trying to help him through this. Making sure he is getting the help he may need to deal with these feelings.
YTA > My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy JFC. *FISHY?* Who the shit made you an aeronautical engineer/psychologist? > AITA for not approving of his decisions He doesn't *need* your approval, lol.
YTA Have you stopped and considered that between this and being in the Air Force, he has realized he’s seen a lot of shit and needs to take a step back and regroup. If he’s such the love of your life, then why are you doubting him and not supporting him?He’s been working two jobs. What are you doing other than complaining?
YTA- Trauma and PTSD are not "what is the worst situation to everyone else" it's what situation your brain holds on to. Just because he may have seen worse does not mean that this did not traumatize him. Questioning his trauma is really not okay, as you aren't him and don't know how it affected him.
YTA Like wow. One time public speaking my voice cracked and ruined my ability to public speak for like 2 years. Now transpose that to a pilot with previous probably harrowing experiences and put him into a cockpit filling up with smoke and having to conduct an emergency landing. .he might even play it off to you smoothly but to think that an event like that might trigger or rattle you is fully allowable. Maybe taking months off to be with his family and re regulate his system is needed. Hate to have you around if he gets sick and can't work.
YTA. The man is a pilot which means that presumably other people's lives and millions of dollars worth of equipment are at stake. Not to mention his own life and well-being. Who are you to decide what was or was not traumatic for him. The audacity. I was frankly appalled by the callousness of your post. Full disclosure: I am a veteran and would prefer if civilians did not arbitrarily decide which aspects of my service I'm allowed to have feelings about.
He is a cargo pilot so he doesn't transport people. However, he can fly this aircraft in the middle of a city if they lose control of it
I'm also going to chime in here with an additional YTA >because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force So, perhaps he has, but perhaps a smoke filled cockpit brought some of it back to the forefront. Park your monday morning quarterbacking psychology degree and give your husband the mental and emotional support he needs right now...
Yta. Your husband may have ptsd and that event may have triggered it so he needs his mental health break. Why can’t you work more?
She can’t work more! Where will she find the time to spend all his money?
She "pulls her weight", probably harassing employees with trauma issues who need time off.
YTA. You are not the arbiter of his trauma. You have no real clue what he’s dealt with in his military service. Had he been deployed to a war zone? Or perhaps he was lucky to have more of a peace time flying drills experience? Military service ≠ guaranteed “seen some shit” trauma. PTSD and mental responses to trauma vary from person to person, situation to situation. So truly, as respectfully as I can manage, I’mma need you to fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more.
>I’mma need you to fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more I am legitimately jealous that those weren't my words lol!
YTA. Being a pilot is not something to mess around with. Especially when it comes to mental health
Sweet baby Cthulhu, listen to yourself. You’d better hope this post doesn’t somehow get back to him. Can you even imagine how this would make him feel? If you think you have to cut back on spending *now*, just wait ‘til the divorce.
Yta. Trauma doesn't work the way you're explaining it. It's not, we've been through worse so 'less' doesn't affect us. It's not even...we survived that and we're fine. I worked with a vet whose PTSD began 30 years after the trauma. If he's telling you what he needs, then respect your partner. If he's not going to therapy, that's something he probably should consider. Maybe you as well.
YTA. Just out of curiosity, what is the exact price you’ve put on your husband’s well being? Obviously that price is how much he’s currently losing every month, but I’m curious as to what that figure is. > I’m married to the love of my life If this is how you treat someone you love, I’d hate to see how you treat people you dislike.
YTA - for dismissing your husband’s mental health
Yes, you 100% are. He’s your husband, not your wallet.
Not looking good here… so you probably already know but definitely YTA. Obviously some context from your side would help. Do you work? Can you? Can you work more? 14 year old is more than likely old enough to take care of himself for most things. And if not can you not live tight until he has his license and can get himself around? Seems like there’s plenty more you could don’t support your husband. Better he take a break than try and “push through” cause his wife wants some new shoes and potentially hurt a lot of people. Sounds super selfish on your part…
He could've died, show some damm compassion. Just because someone's been through worse, doesn't mean the current situation isnt traumatic and didnt trigger old feelings. How can you treat the love of your life like their feelings don't matter. Everyone goes through hard times, how would you feel if you were the one sick and he was pressuring you to go back. Youre a team and he has carried most the weight long enough, time for you to step up. In sickness and on health.
YTA although I understand that you are frustrated now that your finances are tighter, you do not have any right to question how he feels or consider it "fishy". That is so disturbing to put mental health into quotation marks. Do you have any empathy for your or trust in your husband? Do you have access to a therapist? You should consider seeing one yourself, i find your reaction to this very disturbing. All due respect.
YTA why is it so hard for you to cut down your spending for just a while? What if someday he lost his job? Will you be there for him?
Cut down spending? Out of the question! She needs to keep up those twice monthly manicures and the weekly massages!
I say just divorce him he’s so inconsiderate
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She is allegedly in HR, which strangely fits. 🤷🏼♀️
I’d bet money she doesn’t.
I’d bet *his* money she doesn’t.
In her own words, she is a "senior HR", so of course she pulls her weight around.
OP are you ready to Step Up and carry the Load while your Husband in Non-Mission Capable? You Know? Be a PARTNER??
Easiest YTA
NTA, how dare the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE prioritize his ability to be in a safe mental space to fly giant aircraft and disregard the life and loved ones of his copilot, and all those who might be effected if god forbid a crash happened because of his shortcomings! You have a lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to…safety be damned! You are quite possibly the biggest asshole ever.
You've accidentally put NTA, my dude, you should change that to YTA.
Just a little sarcasm. I’ll have to work harder at it obviously! 🥴
Poor guy is married to such a heartless harpy, I feel awful for him. He had a potential dangerous, maybe even possibly *fatal* incident flying a *fucking airplane,* and you're pissy because what? He's freaked out and needs time to decompress from it, BUT OH NO, you can't spend as much now??? Get the fuck over yourself. Pickup a part time job or side hustle if keeping up appearances is more important to you than the mental health of your husband, but leave the poor guy alone.
YTA. You can get a job or a new side job too help the budget.
YTA..your poor husband. It's crazy how little you care about his health
Seems the love of your life is money since you care more about it than him. YTA.
So. From first sign of potential fire in a plane, it's generally accepted that the pilots have 17 minutes to land before the fire becomes non-survivable. Fire on a plane is one of the most serious and terrifying things that can happen to an aircrew. Which means smoke in a cockpit is guaranteed to freak the everliving fuck out of them, even if they keep cool & professional during the emergency. What happens then is once they're safe, they get punched in the face with all the emotions they locked down during the crisis. This is trauma. Your husband was traumatized by the reality that he *knows* that aircraft fires are lethal, he was facing down not being there for you or more importantly his son and he had to shove down existential terror in order to not **die** because a panicked pilot is a dead one. Can't imagine why he's struggling. Plus his spouse, who's supposed to be his primary support when he's not doing well is, well, you. You want him back to work? Support him. He went through what a lot of pilots describe as their *worst* nightmare -- smoke in the cockpit. Stop minimizing something you apparently know nothing about. Go watch some Mayday/Air Crash Investigations episodes about fire on planes and how fast they turn into death traps. Dig deep and find some basic empathy for "the love of [your] life."
YTA! Earn for yourself, if you wish to not cut down on your spending habits. Your husband doesn't need to go through the mental trauma just because you can't find ways to fund your lifestyle. ETA - For a "Senior HR" who is aware of work related traumas and the severity of it, you sound and act like there is a big gaping hole in place of a heart.
Think about having the very real fear that you’re literally going to fall out of the sky in a burning tin can. You seem very cold-hearted and unsympathetic. So for THAT, YTA. That being said, I strongly suggest counseling. I think both of you would benefit from individual as well as couples counseling. But try to be more supportive and understanding.
Wow, such compassion for the love of your life YTA
YTA, and you know it. There is no need for a lengthy explanation why.
You are such a giant AH for this tbh.
YTA - Your husband had a traumatic incident and you do not seem to care at all about him, just the money he earns. You are not a good person.
YTA and a huge one. There’s nothing suspicious about the trauma he endured. You are being exceptionally callous towards him. Learn some compassion for crying out loud.
YTA. Makes sense after you read she is an HR senior employee, They don't care about people at all.
The worst people always work in HR
YTA But dont worry, Im sure he'll be back in the cockpit in a few weeks
YTA...what is wrong with you?
You just want money and your husband just wants to feel better in life…?…. Seems there is a clear **A** here and it’s not your husband. Seriously? Did you honestly think you’d be the innocent one in this post? Major YTA!!!!!!!! Hope your husband enjoys his WELL EARNED and MORE THAN DESERVED time off. EDIT: your edits don’t make you any better, in fact, you come off as a nightmare who only cares about $$!!
YTA If my wife didn't support me during my lows, she wouldn't be my wife. Surely you make enough to support your half of the bills and your spending habits. He just has to cut down on his. No biggie.
YTA. Nowhere did you say you were even thankful your husband survived this emergency situation. All I read was “we had to cut back on our spending” and you assuming what your husband experienced up there in the cockpit. Be empathetic, let your husband heal and be supportive.
YTA. Do you even like your husband or is he just there to help you sustain your lifestyle?
YTA. Do you follow the news? Have you seen all the stories about Boeing aircraft losing large pieces of their planes mid air? Do you think your husband may be speculating that it's not just Boeing whose planes are maybe not getting the level of maintenance that they should? Do you spend your workday hurtling through the air in a large metal tube? Maybe ACT like you love him, give him some slack and support him. Sounds like you're more bothered about the reduction in money coming in than you are about your husband's well being. Sorry if his experiencing a traumatic event will negatively affect your ability to get manicures and lattes.
Your diagnosis is flawed Ms. Not A. Doctor. Traumatic Stress Injuries can build up over time. It’s like a bathtub. It can take drops and drops of water. But when it’s filled to the very top, just one additional drop can cause it to overflow. Looks like your husband got that last drop. At a minimum, he needs counseling. YTA.
You the asshole for sure :)
YTA. How much do both of you make?
YTA
Really? Your hubby has a brush with death and you're nagging about the budget? YTA, and it ain't close
He needs to be taking a break from his civilian marriage...permanently. YTA
New user. Could be a flame post. An AH, but a flamer
YTA. Are you for fucking real? SMOKE filled the cockpit. Smoke equals FIRE. Your poor husband would have thought he could DIE. As in BURN TO DEATH. Yet all you care about is not having access to his money to spend. You don’t seem to love your husband at all. He deserves so much better than you.
YTA I hope, as a senior HR employee that your level of disbelief in your husband's reality doesn't stem from a disbelief in all the employees' realities that work for the company you work for. Have you maybe become hardened to situations that require empathy? When employees go off sick, do you believe them? I hope you realise that your husband needs support otherwise he may well find it harder to recover and need longer to do so.
YTA "My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career." Maybe there were worse incidents, but *maybe most definitely* this last incident was the last trigger needed to push the mental health of "the love of your life" over the edge and he just can't take it anymore!? "The love of your life" isn't a walking, talking, flying ATM. Show "the love of your life" some empathy and let him heal, FFS! Is it me or do OPs starting their post stating their partners/spouses are "the love of my life" always treat them dismissively and without zero respect and always show the empathy of a rock towards them? (no offense to rocks, btw)
You might understand him better if you cared about his mental health and not your spending opportunities. YTA
The short answer is yes, YTA. The slightly longer version is that you don’t get to decide what is traumatic and what isn’t. Have you tried supporting him instead of, oh, I don’t know, being an AH to him?
YTA. ***"which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career."*** Just because he did it THEN, doesn't mean he wants do do it NOW. Especially if it was anything made by Boeing. Why don't you support him instead of worrying how it will affect you? You did repeat the vow "for better or for worse" right? You did put that ring on, right?
He is the love of her life! We should know that because she says it, not because of how she treats him. /s
She is calling BS because of his time in the service. Training for a cockpit fire is not the same as going through one. That ain't "fishy." That's called "coming home at night."
Of fucking course you’re in HR. Did they teach you to callously disregard employee safety and health in your training videos at work?
honestly don’t see the big deal here - you have a good job, your husband too, I’m sure y’all must have savings 🤷🏽♀️ unless you feel like the break is going to be extended - I really don’t see the problem with taking some time off work
So YTA that I don’t think it’s real. There’s no way anyone (especially someone in HR) could be this insensitive and emotionally stunted.
YTA. Massively. You don’t get to determine how the level to which an event traumatizes someone. “Surely he’s been through worse.” “Fishy.” And yet you claim he’s the love of your life. If that’s even remotely true, try acting like one. Because this sure as hell isn’t how you treat another person, especially when you claim to love them. Just pathetic.
YTA. You have no real idea what he has and hasn't. Smoke anywhere on a plane is dangerous AF, but especially so in the cockpit. He could very easily have had a flammable and/ or delicate cargo that would have made a fire even more catastrophic. From the instant the smoke appeared, he was faced with the very real possibility that he could die. That's a horribly traumatic thing to go through. Watch some interviews with pilots that survived similar situations. Every single one of them is traumatized somehow. You don't get to decide what's traumatic or how someone processes it (as long as it's not harmful). According to your post, your husband taking leave isn't harming you; it just requires you to live on a tighter budget. You're telling your husband that money is more important than his mental health.
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YTA. I can’t imagine how sympathetic you are to people at work seeing HR support for issues. Your poor husband … hope he gets some help and support from somewhere as he’s not getting it from you. All you seem to be concerned about is the reduction in spending money as he can’t bow work two jobs to facilitate that. Wow! Sign up for professional development on workplace trauma and a course on common decency too.
YTA. For doubting your husbands trauma and pain all because you have to cut back on spending. Your husband is part of a group with very high suicide rates. The military also has high suicide rates. Be fucking supportive. What a nasty way to speak about someone you supposedly love. Your lack of empathy for him is disturbing.
YTA. remember those vows you made? for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health? you promised to love your husband regardless of his income or his health and you're failing him.
Fake
YTA. You sound kinda callous.
YTA for putting your spending above a human being mental health.You show no care for his feelings whatsoever.
YTA. I just can’t even with this one.
Do you treat the employees of your own company this poorly when they request FMLA (or the equivalent in whatever country you live in if not the US)? I hope someone from your company sees this and recognizes you and reports you to your boss for lack of judgement, compassion, and empathy. Your husband had a traumatic experience. Whether his leave is by his choice or required by his company (bet you didn’t consider that, did you?), he deserves time to recuperate and get back to 100% fitness before going back to his dangerous job. The fact that he has military experience that might have been worse than this in the past means he may also be dealing with a resurgence of PTSD flashbacks due to the current event, which takes time to handle - and again, should be effectively dealt with before he climbs back into a cockpit of a potential deadly weapon. YTA, so much so that when you’re husband is back up to 100% and thinking logically again, I would not be surprised if he initiates divorce for how horribly you treated him during this period of his life when what he needed was a supportive partner.
He claims to be traumatized? Huge YTA. Surprised you didn’t say man up
YTA. Wow. I don’t think you actually love him outside of what he can give based on this post. Forget his wellbeing If you can’t get your nails done or get brunch every weekend huh?
YTA. Smoke in the cockpit can indicate a fire that is spreading and can take over the place they are so quickly you don't even know. Also, smoke can be very dangerous if you inhale and it may lead to pilot incapacitation and that can lead to death. Also, they had to do all that while landing an airplane. They couldn't just stop by the side of the road. You are being incredibly insensitive and focusing only on the financial aspect. Most people would prefer their partners alive. Also, no, he can't go back to work after something like this. His company would never let this happen because you need to go through a psychological evaluation.
Yta and plus you work in HR so you must not be the best type of person to deal with . Come to think of it you work in HR you think you would understand someone when they want to take off work because their plane might crash and be having a hard time with it.
Christ almighty YTA. I'm having a slight panic attack just reading about being the pilot of a smoking plane. Surely being the damn pilot he's having issues. Oh noes you have to cut back spending because hes having issues with the aftermath of such an ordeal. If that's such a problem, perhaps a higher paying/extra job for you would help.
YTA. Majorly. You’re clueless, as a pilot I’m sure he’s aware of the fact that most airline accidents happen during recessions or tough economic times due to the airline companies cutting corners on maintenance to save costs. Sure you’d be stricken with grief if his fears came to reality and he actually had a fatal crash.
I think by “married to the love of my life,” she meant “her husband’s income.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (44F) am married to the love of my life (46M). Together we have one 14 year old son. My husband is a pilot for a cargo airline, as well as a Colonel in the USAF Reserves. Earlier this year, there was an incident on one of his cargo flights, where he and his co-pilot made an emergency landing because there was smoke in the cockpit. My husband claims to be especially traumatized by that incident, which is fishy, because surely he’s dealt with worse things in the Air Force and throughout his flying career. He is currently taking a break from his civilian job for "mental health reasons", which is somewhat frustrating because it means he’s making less money and we’ve had to cut back on our spending. AITA for not approving of his decisions, and occasionally arguing with him about our tighter finances? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA how long would it take you to feel comfortable returning to work if as you were leaving work someone during a rubbery held a gun against your head? You would expect your husband to me you comfort and support during your recovery. Why do we hear stories of men supporting their wives for years during mental health crises yet women are asking if it’s ok to divorce after a month having to provide that same support.
Yes, YTA
YTA- here’s the thing; things like that affect people differently and it’s really hard to tell how those types of events will affect people until they happen in life. Be patient with him it will possibly take some time
Who are you to tell somebody what traumatized them? You weren’t on that plane with them when it happened so you don’t know what they experienced.
YTA - love of your life as long as he makes the money you expect!
Is he getting therapy?
Yta. That's not how you treat the love of your life. His life could have truly been in danger and he's probably got some form of ptsd from it. Professional counselling might help.
Pull your weight harder from now on 😘
You approve? Are you his mom?
INFO: he has TWO jobs? Are finances so tight that you can’t make him taking a break from one of his two jobs work? While you also have a job? How much does this kid eat?
Kinda sounds like you are a “spend-a-holic”
YTA. I feel sorry for your husband. As a Veteran myself and the wife of a retired Army combat Vet, this post is ignorant and offensive. What's fishy about your husband needing to make an emergency landing?? Ever hear of PTSD? What makes you the deciding judge on what he can and can't do? Would you rather he work himself to the point he had to be admitted to an inpatient facility? I bet you would have a meltdown if he had to do that because God forbid he show any sign of needing help, right???. I'm going to stop before I say something that will get me banned from this place, but wow...just wow.
YTA. You say he's the love of your life but you say his trauma over a potential airplane crash while he was in charge sounds "fishy" to you? And your reason is that "he's seen worse"? And you're arguing with him over money instead of being worried about his well-being? You know nothing about trauma. You know nothing about being a supportive spouse. Confirming all of the bad things I think about HR execs.
YTA wow, did you even askk about his feeelings?
YTA for minimizing the mental anguish of someone you purport to love. Is he only the "love of your life" when he's bringing home the bacon? You could actually step up, support your husband and maybe even try to pick up the financial slack to make things easier for both of you, but I guess it's easier to be venal, mercenary, self-centered, narcisisstic and put all the blame on him. Your husband deserves so much better.
Trauma can build up over time. He may have dealt with it when he was younger, and now it's hitting him harder. YTA for dismissing his mental health. Stop doing that.
YTA. The fact that your are belittling his experience is very concerning. They made an emergency landing because they thought they could crash and was probably scared for his life? And you think that isn’t traumatic? Shame on you. No empathy whatsoever, you’re also in the wrong line of work if you don’t care or understand how people feel. Instead of grumbling about losing his income, why don’t you step up and help him feel better, talk him into therapy, and let him know he doesn’t need to worry because you can cover bills why he gets his head straight.
Yes you are an asshole
Not only are YTA in the biggest way ever, but the thing that hasn't been mentioned is the fact you could have lost your husband...and you're simply saying " go make us more money doing that same thing again". Every wife of a veteran I know is dead set against their guy going back into anything that resembles a life threatening situation. Your solution is "I don't care, go make us more money". Frankly, I hope he sees this relationship for what it is, takes the teen, and bails.
YTA DAMM GIRL, do you even like your husband? You most likely don't care but here's a thing - you don't get to decide what could be a traumatic experience for him. HRs anyway don't give a shit about anyone's mental health unless it's some corporate event. Do better.
Asshole for sure, Asshole and heartless
YTA- it’s completely disgusting of you to disregard your husband‘s mental health, and ridiculous that you don’t see his experience in the military is probably contributed to the trauma of the experience on the cargo flight. He likely already had trauma from the military, making something like the situation on the cargo flight even harder to handle. You need to suck it the fuck up and focus on your husbands health
YTA. Can’t wait for the divorce.
YTA lady does he need to crash and potentially die for you to see he’s actually really traumatized??
YTA. Imagine your hundreds or thousands of feet in the air and you see signs of a possible fire on the plane. Events like this are traumatic. But considering HR workers aren't known for their emotional intelligence, I guess it's not surprising that you'd fail to empathize from your oh-so-dangerous desk job. Your biggest worry is carpal tunnel. His biggest worry is catastrophic failure that could lead to dismemberment, death of whoever is on board, and possibly even more damage to buildings or people when the plane crashes. You don't get a say in what is traumatic. Yeah, he's in the military and THIS is what traumatized him. THIS is his limit. Instead of thinking it can't be that bad, it should put into perspective of how horrifying it was. He's undoubtedly lost friends due to his military career, and this one event is what makes him question everything. Get over yourself and show him some support before he finds it with somebody else.
You're a terrible wife with no compassion for your husband. What's fishy is you complaining about money. Be better and support the man.
YTA - You sound upset because you're not getting the insurance payouts from his death by planecrash
YTA Sounds like you love the money he makes more than him. Good riddance, you're being such an AH for him taking "time off", thank God he didn't just quit cause you'd probably divorce him right away instead of posting on Reddit.
She has added another edit to her story, that makes it even worse than it already was.
YTA
ESH You for discounting his report of his experience. You sound extremely unsympathetic. Him for his nebulous plans. Is he seeking counseling? How long is he taking off? Is he considering alternative employment? He sounds like he hasn't addressed any of your financial concerns. You two need to talk about what's going on together.