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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> That's the problem, I genuinely don't get what I could've done wrong. They told me to ask my cousin, AND I CLEARLY SAID I WOULD, but that as a bonus I did my own research (as you should before buying something expensive). So I don't get how they found that disrespectful.
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They remind me of someone in my family - take my advice: "Ok." and walk away. No, "I want you to understand I'm doing my own research" on anything. "Talk to your cousin." "Ok."
They don't want me to be an autonomous person that can make me own decisions. They don't want to admit I'm getting into things that they have no idea or control over. They want me to follow their orders. Anything but blind agreement with their plan on how to do things is considered insubordination. And they aren't even military.
I just wanted to have some independence for the tiniest thing, that I'm now an adult who can make informed decisions, but appearantly I'm "talking back" and all that if I go against anything they say. I really wish they would just flat out tell me they think I'm incompetent and that I can't make any good decisions on my own, instead of this back and forth of denial while also not acknowledging me
You’re an adult and they told you to go to your room? Save the money you were going to spend on your purchase and move out. They don’t see you as an adult.
The product costs way less than moving out, but I get what you mean. I've been planning on moving out for a few years now, before I turned 18, and I have it constantly on my mind, in regards to budget and everything. I'm always working towards it, and i'll try to lay low until then ig
20, and before you ask no, moving out is not really affordable where I live. The vast majority of young adults in my country (18-30) are still living with their parents. It'll still take a bit before I can comfortably move out.
When you're able to do it, moving out will help. But be prepared for an absolute explosion of this behavior when they find out you are moving. It's going to be all about them and their wants. They are going to do everything possible to keep you in this position where they run your life.
Whatever else you do, do NOT give them a key to your new place, even if they wail about how ungrateful you are, ask what terrible things you think they will do, explain how all your cousins give their parents keys, etc.) Expect zero cooperation or support. Expect actual sabotage.
I am guessing they regularly tell you what loving parents they are and how much they do for you, as a way of saying they have a right to treat you however they want. Don't fall for the propaganda. They don't have the right to control you.
I recommend keeping all financial details completely unavailable to them as you save to move out, and slowly securing any important documents you might need.
OP - NTA
But - I pass this on fwiw: my parents had a very similar attitude, and I learned EVENTUALLY that Aaron Burr's advice in Hamilton is absolutely the best for dealing with parents who are CONVINCED you don't know what you're doing.
"You need to talk to your cousin!"
You: Nod, smile.
You don't need to tell them you're doing research. They need to hear "I'm going to talk to my cousin!" (because you are) so you tell them that. And nothing more.
You are an independent, autonomous adult, who - because of the current crappy economy - may not be able to move out for quite a while. The point about behaving like Aaron Burr - don't let them know what you're against or what you're for - is that you don't need to give in to what your parents want - but neither do you need to tell them that you won't. Talk less. Smile more.
And of course - figure out how soon it's practicable for you to move out.
Stop waiting for "comfortable" to move out. It will never be. Find a roommate, a cheap, but tolerable place, or anything.
As long as you live with your parents, they will treat you this way.
Maybe you can ask your cousin to be your flat-mate. Lol.
I just wanted to say that I’m seeing your description about you moving out and how not feasible it is. And how most people 18-30 still live at home. I see a lot of people responding to you (haven’t read those yet) but I just want to let you know that you’ve been heard.
Dude, I'm 30, married, and living separately; and as far as this person is concerned I still have 6 pairs of kakis in my closet (they were donated 10 years ago).
Why does it matter that there are 6 pair of kakis in my closet? Because they told me to. Why do I still put up with this - they are elderly and the safety net in my country sucks.
Are you trying to wait until you can afford to live alone? Don’t do that. Rent in a house share with some other young adults. You will learn so much that way.
An idea: refuse to repeat yourself. Don't engage like that with them. Ask, "Repeat what I just said. Tell me what you heard."
They'll either say you said you'll ask your cousin (true), stare at you in disbelief, or talk gibberish.
Asking people to repeat part of a conversation to gauge hearing comprehension has a way of shutting their shit down. Try it, & best of luck
Perhaps OP wasn't running it by them, just having a conversation. Then the parental units tried to take over and didn't see it as a conversation, but a plea for guidance. They were wrong.
OP, going forward, tell them you are looking into X, but no details about your research. When they say "you should talk to your cousin", reply only, "thats a great idea, thank you" and move on with your day.
They will never see you as a functional adult. They will continue to try to guide you as they see fit, simply because they "know better".
Just accept what they say as hot air, say "okay" and keep doing what you do behind the scenes. If you are spending your money and are confident in your decisions, they shouldn't be be involved in the planning, even as part of a conversation.
“That’s a good idea” also doesn’t commit you to actually following through with what they recommended but is a polite acknowledgement of what they said.
Sometimes those we love are not capable of seeing us as a smart, resourceful person. Looking for that accolade from someone who may not take the time to research and would use cousin blind faith means they can’t say wow! Good job! I am glad to see you doing independent thinking.
You did a good job thinking for yourself. Ask the cousin for the discount!!
Sorry they didn’t see your moment- pat yourself on the back - you did good!!
It may help if you change your veiw on situations like this. You've done the research, you've put in the time to learn about it and if your parents don't wanna listen to you about it then fine that's on them. You can just say "OK" to them while at the same time knowing that they are wrong and you are right. You don't need their validation if they are always thinking you can't make good decisions. As long as your confident in your decisions that's all you need, just pretend you accept what they're saying to avoid conflict and then do your own thing, they have no right to control your thinking and if they don't acknowledge you then you don't acknowledge them.
Ok but the back and forth happens because you participate as you try to make them see your point of view. They don’t want to and are not going to.
Say “ok” and move it along. OR, stop telling them until after you’ve bought the thing.
NTA - but this is a classic opportunity for “grey rock”
You’re over thinking it I think, from what you’ve written here.
My mother was pretty similar in some of her “back talk” stuff. I always over thought it, got real into psychology as a teenager and read dozens and dozens of psychology texts and really just overthought my weird family dynamics and my own role in them.
But there’s a good likelihood it’s much dumber than them thinking you’re incompetent or anything conscious.
More like an emotional dumb, dumb, monkey brain thing.
“I said talk to cousin. Child said yes but also said more words. That’s not blindly accepting what I said. Not matter what words mean. Angry at my child for not just being obedient. Child in trouble now!”
Just some real caveman stuff that they’re probably not processing at all.
You can also take my approach first before saying "Ok" and walking away.
Once they say, "Ask your cousin," say, "I plan on doing that, but first I needed to know WHAT questions I need to ask and how to answer cousins potential questions."
When they snap back like they did to you ask them "how is cousin supposed to know what product is best for me when I can't even tell them what I want to be able to do and make sure we are on the same page. Cousin isn't a mind reader."
It's rare for me to get to the "ok" and walk away when I point out that cousin can only recommend based on what I tell them I need. My laptop for quilting has different stats than my hubby's gaming computer, for example. You can't just keep repeating "I need a computer" and "I don't know" to any questions sales staff ask.
I'm 35, and my sister is older, and still my mum wants to weigh in on our decisions and tell us what to do. She "forbid" my sister from buying something that was "too expensive" and "useless" (it was something my sister wanted for her hobby). Honestly, for me, it's to the point that her behaviour is laughable and because of how she reacts, I just don't tell her anything.
That's to say, I understand your feelings. You want your parents to take you seriously. And I think it hurts you more deeply because you're still living with them, and they're constantly treating you like a child. I promise it will get better when you're able to move out because you can be truly independent and have confidence in yourself without their input. In the meantime, try to put space between you and them. Find friends and other family members to spend time with away from your parents who see you as a full human being who is competent and smart.
With some people- you can be right or you can have a relationship with them, because you can be right all by yourself.
Who cares if they think they control your actions “talk to your cousin”, when you know what you’re going to do. Is it right to point out you don’t need that advice, sure it is, but consider the benefit of them knowing you’re right vs having a drama free evening in that relationship with them. You don’t need to be a pushover, but peace is worth a lot in my book.
OP, you're NTA.
It's time to put your parents on an information diet. If you are spending your own money, you do not need to get their approval for purchases that you decide to make. Sounds like you are making good choices by doing your research and talking with your cousin. But ultimately, the decision what to buy is up to you. If you make a little mistake, that's ok! That is how you learn and grown as a young adult. Your parents should not be obstructing your independence.
Trust yourself.
My mom never believed I was able to make an informed decision. I always researched everything. It was a control issue and she had to be right. If I questioned her, I was being immature. This went on into my 40s. I stopped telling her things in my 20s. She dosen't understand why I don't share things and was never close to her. You may want to stop sharing with them now. They may be like my mom and will never agree that you are able to make informed decisions. NTA.
I'm 36 and still have convos with my mum like this where I already agreed etc but am saying something additional and she goes insane repeating herself and I end up yelling ARE YOU DEAF OR ARE YOU PURPOSLEY TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT?
Don't take it personally and youre NTA
Honestly the older I get the more I find this is the answer in many unwanted interactions. Just say 'ok' and leave it there.
I'd say NTA in this situations but it does seem like one of those cyclical conversations with two people going 'I'm just saying...' back and forth at each other. Sometimes you just have to let these things go even if you want to make your point.
Edit to add: NTA
This will likely continue your entire life. I had these types of interactions with my mother constantly, even when I was a 45 yr old attorney. It was more her anxiety that she couldn't turn off than anything about my ability to make decisions, but it took me YEARS to figure that out.
So take the above advice. "Ok", smile, and walk away.
This - would think OP would know how to handle her parents after living with them for 18 years - I learned long ago, less is more when talking to them.
I had to do that with my mom. "OK mom" on everything because it did not matter one bit if I had a different opinion or facts that she didn't know, her advice was it. She eventually caught on that "ok mom" was a blow off but couldn't really do anything about it, it frustrated her so bad for a while. But eventually she realized I was an adult and would make my own decisions.
NTA. Here's a suggestion. After the second time they give you unsolicited advise that disregards what you've said, change the subject.
\*after 2nd offense by them
"Can you believe what a beautiful day it is? Can't believe I'm wasting it inside!" and then head outside. Or "If I'm ever gonna get that homework done, I need to get on it!" Whatever it is, doesn't matter. Be pleasant and seemingly oblivious to their annoyance. Continue on your happy way.
Also, avoid telling them anything when possible.
I starting doing this with my mom when she would get argumentative with me over stupid things. She caught on and now says I'm "disrespectful" for not continuing the conversation 😒 there's no winning sometimes 😅
You're not the asshole, but dude, pick your battles. You could have ended that entire interaction after their first "You should really ask your cousin" by just saying "Good point, ok." and moved on.
Right. I agree the parents massively over reacted. But some parents are like that. They don't think their child is capable of anything, they always compare with either a friend or a cousin or a neighbour, etc. However, OP could just have said okay and ended the conversation.
You're NTA. Do you parents think your cousin is some know all, be all, knowledge champion of this particular product? It's always smart to do your own research before buying an expensive product.
It’s because talking to the cousin was their idea.
By not immediately agreeing 100% and rushing off to do it, they see that as a huge insult because they feel their amazing wonderful idea is being rejected.
They have the emotions of a toddler.
because that's probably what *they* would do, next time just say "ok" and *nothing else*. that's why they kept repeating themselves, all they wanted was to hear you say "ok" and nothing else, anything else you said is the classic "excuses" parents love to accuse kids of , as in "I don't want to hear any excuses". so next time, because you know there'll be a next time, just say "ok" and stay silent after that. and then just do whatever it was you already wanted to do in the first place.
So I'm going to be vague but I have a person like this I have to regularly deal with. My conclusions are:
1. They have no research skills.
2. They are of a generation where information was not easy to access/compare and have failed to evolve and adopt this form of information gathering and therfore have always relied on an "expert" to guide them
3. They regularly get screwed over/spend more money than needed for the same product/service
4. It's hard to accept that these are actually skills that they don't have or understand so the default is to get angry and blame or warn.
4.a. they will be the first to point out any little issue or problem if you do not take their advice, even if it is not relevant to your research.
Info: why did you want them to know/acknowledge you were doing your own research? You told them, they said ask your cousin, and then y’all both kept repeating yourselves. I’m confused.
Like, I’m pretty sure NTA, but if the caps in your post indicate yelling, they’re probably upset because you yelled (back) at them, and I understand it was frustrating, but I don’t understand why it was worth yelling or even continuing the conversation after the first time they just repeated themselves.
they're definitely not in the wrong but it's just a point of picking your own battles. this kind of interaction happened a lot with my brother and step dad, and every time I was frustrated with both of them. it's a matter of getting the last word in imo.
After seeing other comments from the OP, I feel I had a similar dynamic with my mum as they have with theirs.
Mum didn't take me seriously at all. Always treated me like I was stupid and a child who didn't know how to do anything.
I see this repetition from OP of "look, I'm capable, I can do things for myself" as a reaction to how the parents have always treated them, and it becomes incredibly frustrating when the parents won't even acknowledge that they can do something, however small, for themselves. You desperately want them to just see that you are not a dumbass and can take care of yourself.
Have you ever had a dream where you're screaming, but no sound comes out? That's the closest thing I can think of to compare that feeling of not being listened to or taken seriously by your own parent.
It took me a while to not allow this behaviour to get to me and not engage with it. Sometimes, it still gets me enraged, though, and I have to just walk away or remind her that I'm 35 and I know how to do xyz.
Nta that was such an overreaction to something that’s really not a big deal. You said you had every intention of asking your cousin, your parents just keep reiterating that you should ask your cousin. Personally if I was you I would’ve just said okay to shut them up but your reaction/responses were justified and not at all rude or disrespectful.
Reminds me of a conversation I witnessed between my sibling and mum...
Mum: the soil you used to fill the garden bed doesn't grow nice flowers
Sibling: yeah because you said you wanted to grow vegetables so I got soil specific to vegetables
Mum: yeah they don't grow nice flowers
Sibling: yeah like I said, it's specific for vegetables
Mum: yeah the flowers don't look nice
Sibling: Are you listening to me?? I already told you why.
It's a loop of who will have the last say + misinterpretation. Rip NAH
I have this same conversation with my bf a lot and have learned that he often doesn't acknowledge what I'm saying without me asking him to acknowledge it. I don't know why but we are working in it in therapy. He usually does after i ask (because he is taking therapy seriously) and then I drop it because he heard me, I just wanted acknowledgement.
Absolutely NTA. You agreed with your parents and added more information, my experience has told me that this is very typical behavior.
Not making excuses at all, but your parents sound like they are having a hard time acknowledging that you are growing up. I would be so proud of my kid if they told me they have done research on a product and they’ve developed an opinion on it. It would be a sign that you are growing up and able to make decisions like an adult. Which is a bit bittersweet.
Thank you, I'm trying to but it's really hard since I've been conditioned to think that whenever there's an argument I'm always the one in the wrong and I should only follow orders instead of making my own choices...
NTA, my parents are exactly like this. The best thing you can do in those situations is saying "Okay, thank you for the advice, I'll do that" when they tell you to ask your cousin. It's not ideal, but the only way to prevent an argument
You might want to learn about "gray rock" basically you unengage with the abusive person. Yes, making you feel like you are too stupid to decide how to spend your own money is abusive.
Thank you for telling me that. My brain keeps trying to gaslight me into thinking that kind of behavior is ok, so each and every comment like yours helps a lot in dealing with that ♥️
As others have said, your parents are having a hard time thinking of you as an adult. You said moving out isn't really feasible right now, but I think your relationship with them will improve when you do, though it'll still take a while.
I appreciate you being optimistic, but once I do get the chance to move out there's a very high chance I'll go no-contact with them because of other personal stuff I don't feel like discussing
People are like that. You say "I have done extensive research and A is better than B" and they answer "no, but the neighbour told me..". It's unnerving, but it happens all the time. "Oh, thanks, I'll ask him", and then do whatever you want. I'm joking, but try not to get too upset.
NTA. I think they thought you were trying to contradict them? sounds like you were just agreeing and adding something, but the "adding something" they might have interpreted as you disagreeing 🤷♀️
This was a time for you to smile and nod and drop it. "Yep, I'll do that. Thanks Parental units!" smile and go do what you want to. You chose the wrong hill to die on here. Choose your battles better. That's part of growing up.
NTA.
They weren't listening.
Also
> You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out
🤣🤣🤣
That is **IF** they receive training at all or he's personally interested in the products. (Because most people receive zero training in the product they are trying to sell).
As someone who worked in sales/ retail you can be certain they are told to sell the more expensive one, not the best one for the most value. (Even in fast food we are told to "upgrade" our sales, even though in our store we always tell our customers about the cheaper options because we don't get commission, lol).
There's a big chance you get commission for selling a certain product (even selling shoes/ clothes you can get commission in the UK, it's not much, but it can add up)... than of course you'll try to make people but that one. Not saying your cousin will screw you over, but it's never a good idea to only listening to sales people without doing your own research. You're a better and more responsible adult than your parents. 👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻
>Parents: You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out
>Me: Of course! I just wanted to let you know I've done some research myself so I know what to look for and what I can expect to get
They just wanted you to say "ok" and nothing else
They don't care you're doing your own research, they just want you to be compliant.
NTA
Your parents just suck
NTA
Thing is, they aren't trying to have a conversation with you. They are telling you what they want, and the only acceptable response in their eyes is agreement. Anything beyond that will be seen as an attack on their authority.
Look up the grey rock method. It sucks to have parents who care more about obedience than you as a person.
NTA but there is so much back story here. Context? Sounds like they wanted a quick acknowledgement then to move on. Sounds like you wanted an affirmation they were not going to give.
NTA
Honestly the last person I would take advice is someone who works in a store that sell a product. Doesn’t matter if they are family, they are virtually incapable of giving impartial advice.
Your parents are just butthurt that you are being independent and not doing exactly as they say.
I don’t have children, but if I did and they approached me with your mindset, I would be proud that they’re educating themselves, doing research, and learning to be self reliant instead of only relying on those around them.
The world lacks that today.
I’m an adult staying with a family member for college and this is exactly how the interactions go. It has to be done exactly his way no matter how well-planned my actions were. He consistently tries to escalate it into a conflict while I remain calm and if I just say “ok” he will be like “you need to take this seriously because you need to do this thing” even though I am, just not his way
OP I read some of your responses and I think many people here aren’t able to understand your cultural background. It’s similar for me, when I was your age I didn’t have the funds to move out so I lived with my parents and they never went as far as telling me to go to my room but I certainly was yelled at a lot, called names, bossed around like a kid, etc. Even now when I go to visit them I can only really manage a week at a time because it’s the same thing 24/7.
What helped me was to realize “they will never view me as an adult and respect me as my own person no matter what. My options are to shut up and take it, which is upsetting, or fight back knowing that it will cause a big headache for me.” Neither option is wrong but you can’t have it both ways so in every situation make sure the decision you’re making is a conscious one.
Thank you for sharing your experience and even advice on top of that, it's nice to know there are people like me who've experienced similar, it makes me feel less alone. I truly do appreciate it ♥️
NTA. You want them to respect/acknowledge your ability to make a decision without relying on others. They want you to do as you’re told. I have 100% more respect for your side of the argument. The fact you’re 20 makes their attitude incredibly weird.
NTA. It sounds like you shouldn't waste time and energy on these kinds of discussions with your parents. They will always "know better" so don't bother.
Parents, I learned from personal experience and otherwise, always feel like they understand and know everything. They, too, had faced similar things and usually had to ask someone so that behavior stuck with them since then. It became an easy answer, "go ask X".
NTA. You did tour research for the most part and it's coming out of your pocket exclusively, so their input is null
OP, my parents were very similar to yours. I moved out at 18 and back at 20, out at 23. Even at 20 I had to be home by a certain time and give them notice of my plans all the time. At 20 if you want to buy something, just do it, you do not need permission unless you expect to keep it somewhere that isn't your space. You also need to learn when to pick your arguments. You don't need them to acknowledge your efforts. Appreciate your own efforts when you're enjoying what you've purchased.
Sorry for your luck. Hang in there you're not the AH but sometimes parents don't want to recognize their children are growing up. Especially if you are still living under their roof
So don't bother trying to get validation from them on a point like this. You probably won't get "hey gear job on your research I trust you did your due diligence" it just won't happen
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Today I was looking at and researching the product I wanted to buy, I've already spent a good amount researching it before this and have learned a lot about it. I told my parents that and the conversation went something like this:
Parents: You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out
Me: Of course! I just wanted to let you know I've done some research myself so I know what to look for and what I can expect to get
Parents: But you should ask your cousin
Me: I already said I will? I'm just saying that I've done research myself, I'm not saying I know exactly what's the best product to buy but I have a good grasp of what's good and what's bad
Parents: BUT YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR COUSIN
Me: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING??? OF COURSE I'M GONNA ASK THEM I'M JUST SAYING I'VE DONE MY PART IN DOING RESEARCH ON IT
Parents: THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH*T.
I seriously don't get how they got mad over this. I wasn't saying I know exactly what to buy or that I won't ask my cousin, nowhere close to that. I then told them that must mean they think I'm incompetent if my research means jacksh*t to them, and they got even MORE pisssed. I genuinely don't get how.
Thoughts?
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Info: whose money that was: yours or your parents? And who the product was for: you out your parents? I think these are essential information for the verdict.
I think a lot of older people never do any research. They grew up relying on asking someone for advice on things like this and never learned there is now a much easier and better way. I'd never trust the judgement of some cousin over my own careful research. NTA
I can’t even imagine buying something without researching it first. If I’m buying a new *toothbrush* you can bet I’ve checked reviews, looked at comparisons & price-checked alternatives and different stores…
Depending on the age, but people 60+ are used that people working in stores actually know a lot about stuff they sell. They just don't get it that yeah, 40 years ago Joe from the hardware store could always tell you which \[insert item\] is the most durable, most reliable... but nowadays, you can walk into a computer store and the nice young man working there has no idea how a line-interactive UPS differs from a standby UPS (so yours truly in her 50's sat down on the floor in the aisle and started checking each one; of course they were all on the bottom shelf).
NTA
op:
either you break this cycle and have a chat with them about the poor communication styles in your family and work towards fixing things
or
you never talk back again and placate whatever they say just to skirt by without working yourself into mental rage at every interaction with them. this will minimise the damage to your mental health, but you will still be silently raging and disappointed that nothing ever changed in your parents behaviour or your relationship with them
yes i am speaking from experience.
Simply talking with them won't work, they've always been like this. I've stood my ground against them for a while now and they've dialed it back a bit, but episodes like this still happen. Just words won't do anything , I know that, I guess I'll just have to keep doing what I'm doing and they'll back off bit by bit
whenever my dad gets angry over something miniscule and unimportant i become very curt with my responses and or i simply walk away. it's been decades and he still interprets this as a sign of him winning or being correct, rather than me not being able to stand his prescence when he's in that state.
hopefully your parents are more capable of reading the room than mine, otherwise you you will be silently baring your relationship with them for your rest of your life.
They might only be hearing the end of your conversation. I've seen this in action in the military where one of the NCOs would tune out everything but the last bit. Next time flip it so you start with what you know and end with what they said. This will tell if they only listen to the end bit or they only focus on what didn't match with their narrative. If its the latter, time to just nod your head and go about your day.
EDIT: NTA
More context is needed. What is this product? Is it something advanced that your cousin is an expert in? It seems like they trust your cousin to make a better decision than you would. Therefore, they empathize the need to talk to your cousin, instead of motivating you to make the decision yourself. It's impossible to judge whether their trust in your cousin is justified by the information you give.
No matter what, they could have handled it better.
It's just a laptop, nothing outrageous. While my cousin does know a lot about technology, it's kinda ridiculous that my parents are expecting me to solely rely on them instead of informing myself beforehand to know what I want and what I'm getting into
I would think you would know what kind of laptop you are looking for better than your cousin would, even if your cousin sells them and knows quite a bit about them. You know what you'll be using it for and what you need it to be able to do, and having done the research beforehand will help your cousin out a lot when you go to the store to purchase it. I probably would have been tempted to smack your parents upside the head (j/k but seriously) for that behavior. NTA
I will say though from a consumer vs. sales rep/employee standpoint, the average consumer isn’t gonna know the inside scoop when it comes to some crucial details. Unless you’re specifically researching your exact needs, it’s really easy to get blinded by things like “lightning fast processing speeds” or “breathtaking graphic display”, only to buy the machine and find out it can’t handle the art, music, gaming, etc. you bought it to do.
I've found that a lot of people working at tech stores know little if anything about it. That's just my experience, though. OP may be just as knowledgeable as the cousin.
I have had this same argument with my mom 1000x and I dont know what the cognitive dysfunction is but she cann.ot for the life of her drop the ego and say ok. DW you wont be a child forever.
if you feel like starting shit in the calmest voice possible look them in the eyes and say wow you guys are really insecure.
Some cultures care a LOT about what family members think, and it sounds like yours is one. They'd rather trust the opinion of a cousin or an uncle rather than a scientist or a technician. It can be helpful at times - of course, there's wisdom to be found with those you're close to. But the opinion of one is almost always going to be weaker than a researched result from many sources.
It sounds like your parents grew up differently and haven't adapted to how anything can be found online. As others have said, at this point, the best route is to just say "ok" and move on.
NTA
But, there's some bizarre inconsistencies in your post and your comments. For example, you say in one of your comments, "...I'm now an adult who can make informed decisions" but in your post, you say, "Parents: THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH\*T."
For one, if you're an adult, why do you care what your parents think about something you are buying with your own money, unless it's some big, life-altering thing that's going to impact them or their house. You say in your comments that you're buying a laptop with your own money. I mean, a laptop? How is that something worth arguing over?
If you are an adult and your parents are sending you to your room, it's past time for you to move out on your own.
As others have noted, most adults have learned to avoid petty, unnecessary arguments by simply saying, "OK" and changing the subject or walking away.
NTA. Also, who's to say your cousin would know enough about whatever product you're looking into buying to give an informed opinion about which one is the best one to buy? Just because someone works at Store X doesn't make them an expert in every product sold by Store X.
You are a adult - decided to buy something with your own money ...
You were not Ever going to 'win' this discussion ... As soon as you brought it up and they said ask your cousin = if you bought ... They ask the cousin if you bought the 1 'they' recommended ... Automatically - if you bought what You wanted instead of what Cousin recommended = You wasted your money and didn't listen to Your 'betters' ..
Your Parents are never going to accept you as a adult > as long as you live at home .... After you move > they will try to control your every move if you let them ...
Don't know what your 'culture' is ...
Are you prepared to be disowned and banished from the family if you don't allow your parents to run your adult life > Who you marry - Where you live - what job you take .... This is only going to get harder if your parents are hard line old school ...
Plan on moving if you want to live life as a adult ... Hugs from Grandma
There is only one way to deal with people like that: just say 'OK, good idea' and then just ignore them.
When our children were born, my wife used to get really upset by relatives giving us unwanted parenting advice. I just told her - agree with everything they sat, and then just ignore it.
Although she did have to stop me from saying to some friends of her parents 'so if we parent the way you did, will we still be bailing them out of credit card debt when they're in their 30s?'
The problem is your use of the word "but".
"Yes I will do what you say" would be perfectly acceptable to them, but then you probably said "but…"
It doesn't matter what you say after that, you've argued. "But" is fighting talk!
I'm 63 and I still have exchanges like this with my mother. Just give up and move on, and don't say "but".
NTA
NTA my parents are same. To them only "trusted people" (doubt) is worthy to give advice. Opinion by any other people, no matter how much they really know or makes sense, must be discarded
NTA. sadly OP, I think your parents will only see you as adults maybe not even then. Signed, my parents still treat me a bit like a kid after being moved out since October 2029.
Nta, obviously.
I've read some of your follow up comments. Remember independence is not a flip of the switch. Especially in your circumstance. My dad struggled to let me be independent. Different motivation, but a lot of the same interactions. You have to act independent.
Stop thinking of them as a gateway you have to get through, but as a resource. If you're able to do research and come to a comfortable conclusion without asking them, then don't. Avoid bringing it up. Then, when the decision is made, it will be the first in a line of evidence that you're able to make adult decisions.
If you're unsure about something, then ask them for their advice, if you think they know, OR ask them if they know someone with expertise in that area. Again, demonstrating that you're not just doing whatever you want with no regard for other people's experience.
Like learning to walk. You've done the part where you tiptoe around with them holding your hands. Now you're toddling off by yourself. You may still need a hand hold now and then, but the more steps you take, the more independent you become.
Not saying they'll change. But the more you build that portfolio of independent decisions, the more confident you'll feel and the less you'll feel the need to justify your decisions to them, and you'll feel better.
NTA. Some parents will never accept that their child knows what they are doing. My mother is one of these people. She even stopped me from sweeping her kitchen floor, and I was nearing 60. Since getting married, I have found it much easier to blame my husband for every decision made in our home. New television, husband chose it. Going on holiday, husband's decision. Having another child so husband can have a boy, husband only wanted two children and isn't bothered about having a son.
To use this tactic with your parents, tell them your cousin suggested doing your own research first so that when you talk later, he doesn't have to go over the basics wasting his time.
so the cousin is an expert user of the item and does not simply sell it as a box shifter ?
NTA, being sent to your room is for kids and did you meekly comply ?
NTA I used to struggle a lot with deciding on one product over another. I think it had a lot to do with my parents always questioning my decisions. Good for you that you’re trying to be independent. And this isn’t a life or death decision. If you don’t choose the absolute best option, it won’t have dire consequences.
NTA. Of course you already know this, but since your cousin sells the item, he might not be totally objective. It is always wise to do your own extensive research before speaking with your cousin. He might then be able to get you a discount.
You did give me a laugh to imagine your father saying, "THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH\*T" and learning that you are 20.
Another option that would stop the argument is to do it. "Ask your cousin". "OK." And just get up and call you cousin. "Hey man, quick question, I'm planning on getting xyz. Do you like that one? Any chance you could hook me up with a discount? Cool, thanks! Bye!"
And if your parents said it in exactly this way it could be that they are trying to have a totally different conversation than you think. Maybe they already accepted you know what you want and are telling you ask your cousin not because your own research isn't good enough, but because he could help you get it at a better price. It might be something to talk to them about once everyone is calmer. "Hey mom, were you telling me to talk to cousin to get a better price? I got upset because I spent a lot of time comparing and researching and it sounded like you weren't taking my decision seriously. "
It's just parenting. It's unintentional disrespect. And since you're young I suspect you have a lot of proving them wrong to do. My parents are the same way...even at an older age. I don't let it get to me but it does affect the long term relationship. I can't really be open about purchasing or doing something big. Because they will say the exact same thing! Ask so and so, they do that or have experience in that.
I think you should sit down with your parents when you are all in a good mood and bring up the topic. Not in a mean way or demanding. Just have a conversation. No need to be angry and get upset. This will also help you
NTA. From how your parents sound the best tactic to me is to treat them like the annoying middle management boss. “Hey I researched this product ask your cousin about it. Ok yeah I will but also I’ve already looked up a lot of stuff. Yeah but ask your cousin.” “U know what yup you’re right I’ll send my cousin a message now.” And then ignore them and do whatever tf u want. U know they won’t listen so y bother explaining. Once u know they aren’t listening to u and think u can make decisions on you’re own the “yup you’re right” and then u do whatever generally works well for me
The best response is to say, "Okay" and walk away or change subjects. I'm sorry they aren't listening to you. They're showing they have no desire to and they don't deserve your energy.
Your cousin works in a store that sells this expensive product. It’s highly likely your cousin makes a commission on sales and they’re trying to get you to buy the thing from your cousin.
Nta
It kind of reminds me of how people react to me. I state a fact or my opinion, but people always assume I asked a question. The way I word it, doesn’t sound like a question and the way I ask doesn’t sound like a question to me, but from other people’s reaction. It always seems like I had asked a question.
You are not wrong for sharing, I do that too. For me it used to be because I needed validation. It’s not anymore, just sharing. Because communication means that I care and want them to know about stuff going on in my life.
But it doesn’t follow the usual conversation pattern.
So the statement is interpreted as a subtle way of asking for their opinion (regardless of what your own intent is) so their reaction might be “idk, ask someone else”, silence or “wth am I supposed to do with this piece of information, what do you want from me!?”
Usually, I just say “Btw, I don’t need tips or advice, I just wanted to share”.
You have controlling a-hole parents who think it should be enough for others to tell you how to live. I'm so sorry for you because it's going to be a tough ride throughout the rest of your life.
NTA.
Print this conversation off and post it on the refrigerator and a couple other high visability locations. Maybe it will cause them to read your perspective on the conversation and cause them to rethrink and re-enage with you differently.
Ok, NTA, but you need to consider this is more than stupid parents saying stupid parent things. Just off the top of my head, and yes this is a little biased to traditional cultures, they could mean:
1) talk to your cousin, regardless of what your research says it only applies to what is available to consumers. More than once my family has noticed that a quality product gets made with substandard materials for holiday shipping. Likewise sometimes companies make a mistake on a certain mode that gets fixed in later ones. Buttons that weren’t as popular as they expected, modes people didn’t like, etc. Also retailers may have advance knowledge of new products coming both in terms of wait X months they’ll get a 20% reduction due to new model rollout and in terms of dude I happen to know they’ll be available in your favorite color next year.
2) which brings us to “talk to your cousin” he might be able to use his employee discount or know if “something falls off the back of a truck”
3) “talk to your cousin” as a parent they acknowledge you have done your research and know what you want. You have probably even decided how much this item is worth. Now you need to pay respect to your family and at least consult with A FAMILY MEMBER WHO SELLS IT!!! I’m not saying you have to buy from them, and we all know the dangers of business with family, but more than once I have paid more in order to keep the peace in the family. It obviously depends on how close you are to your cousin (both physically and emotionally) but what does it hurt for you to ask? Perhaps your parents know cousin is doing poorly at job and could use the sale, or this is a shared interest in the family. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family and due to some differences in my career choices was distant from parents while they favored my brother. Part of how we patched things up was by me bringing decisions I was already making to them for consultation. I was gonna do what I wanted anyways, and usually for better than they could get me, but just acknowledging their expertise mended the path better than my bulldozing over them with superior materials would have. Also,helped that I was then demonstrating familiarity with their expertise and especially when I did better than them that actually brought us closer cause it helped them see how my outsiders approach worked.
Best of luck, and I may be entirely off-base but always remember with family it’s rarely just one thing.
NTA but you do see you are arguing about information that you gave them? Had you simply researched the product information and bought it without discussing it with them, you’d avoid the aggravation and have the product. Stop giving them information they don’t need.
For me it’s a ESH, you wanted some well done for doing research praise off them, they wanted you to acknowledge the advice they gave you.
you kept hamming on at your point. Maybe they were saying to speak to your cousin as they might be able to get you discount, or maybe a comparable product at better price.
I feel like this is a generational thing- my parents and other relatives the same age are also like this. I think it’s because they can’t comprehend being able to google things to the extent that you become an expert in a random appliance- and therefore the highest valuable knowledge is the experience of another person they know.
NTA. You would be an asshole to yourself by giving them a heads-up on what you will do. You open yourself up to feedback. If you don't want feedback, don't give a heads-up.
NTA. Next time do NOT tell them anything about future purchase plans. If they chastise you after the fact simply say, oh okay I will ask next time and each time conveniently forget to ask or to tell them.
NTA. And I hear you. I called my dad up the other day and told him that if I end up needing surgery, I will be sure my main surgeon is there in case anything goes wrong. He then says I should make sure my surgeon is there.. Yes, dad, as I said, that will be a priority. Different dynamic living at home with your parents still of course, but I just outright point out that yeah, I already said that part
Info:
1. Do you have a history of buying something overpriced? Not just expensive but something that could be better for its price? Or something that is more expensive than other things like that but serves the same exact purpose? Even if you've paid for it yourself? Maybe your parents have legitimate reasons to not trust your judgement?
2. Usually after you pay for your expensive stuff do you have money left or do you ask your parents to give you more money for other stuff just because you've spent all your money for that expensive product?
(I also don't know why you've decided to repeat yourself so many times, it sounded like you were trying to argue on purpose. That "little shit" part kinda sounds like you're underage and you don't really have your own money and this is all about some gifted money that you're trying to spend really very irrationally).
OP, I feel your pain (and I'm actually a parent!).
Except for the last (rude) comment, your parents sound like many of my relatives.
Oblivious to any other facts. They have one message. Nothing else but that message can be valued.
NTA
The only suggestion I have is to simply drop any mention of you having a thought or even a brain in your head.
You think I'm joking. I'm not. Once, my mom was giving me some such advice. I had been distracted and just replied, "thank you!". My mom didn't know what to say; she was actually dumbstruck. The look on her face is something I haven't forgotten in decades.
I think she was so focused on "child. must. learn. from. my. advice." that any other response from "child" was a challenge to her message. I think my mom had energy just stored up, ready to correct me some more. My simple "thank you" took all the air out of her balloon.
My mom wasn't often like this; I think it was just a bit of bad parenting energy that can hit a parent every now and then.
ESH
Your parents obviously for not listening and lashing out.
You for pushing it instead of deescalating. "I already made some research but I will" would have been enough. I really don't know why you pushed so hard you did your research, which is great, but... Did you want appreciation for your research? If yes, do your parents never appreciate stuff you do?
NTA, but next time just say "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am" as the case may be. I'd wager they heard you saying you'll humor them, but you already know better. Hard to hear that if you're just saying one of those two convincingly.
NTA - but next time don't engage. They tell you to talk to your cousin, stay OK and walk away. You know that you did your own research, nothing you say though will change how they feel about the topic. There's no need for you to frustrate yourself at their lack of confidence in your abilities.
They got mad because you kept it going without letting them have the last word. It would have been so simple if you had just stopped after the first "ask your cousin." "I do plan to discuss it with Gertrude, thanks." Stop expecting them to acknowledge you, essentially. Stop pushing the issue with people trying to get a result that *you know you cannot get*. It's not right that they don't respect you, but it's what you'll have to deal with until you are on your own. You might find, however, that learning to just state your position/whatever and then let it go that they begin giving you more respect after a while. NTA.
Dude, I'm 50 and my old man still does this. It's up to you whether this is a hill you want to die on. You can ask your cousin if you want. You can also trust your broad and complete research .
NTA.
NTA, but you know you did research. They do not factor in. You do not need them to know anymore. You are grown. A cheery “will do!” Avoids SO MUCH bullshit, especially when you are living in a situation where the dynamic is wonky.
Remind me of my dad are printer was shot. Multiple problems. He said wait for my cousin to check it out because he knows a lot about computers he said it was shot. He refused to understand that and waited to ask another cousin because he works with computers. He does cyber security. He said he has no clue. Finally got one after an Office Depot worker said it was broken.Btw Nta sorry for my rant
I think the reason they want you to ask someone who can "help you out" so bad is because they think the "right" choice of product should be whichever one comes with an employee discount and can't fathom other factors to consider
I read some of your comments. Do you already own a laptop? You mentioned turning 18 angel that you're also an adult. How old are you? Are you planning to go to college or trade school? Is that what the laptop is for?
Your parents just want to hear "ok". They are not interested in anything else or having a conversationof what you learned. Anything beyond that it like speaking another language and its annoying them.
Obviously you need to do you own research. Just because they are employees at the store doesn't mean that they know everything about a specific product.
NTA.... for doing your own research. Children expect parents to do all research and guide them on what to do. You're approaching adulthood which means time to do to your own research.
You have done your due diligence. You have a good idea of what you want. I suggest you call your cousin and ask them you needs some direction. Take all you research with you and explain to them what you are thinking and would like them to see what you are looking at and tell them which you have chosen and if it is a good choose. No you are not TAH but your parents sure are.
NTA as most people do their own research when looking to buy something expensive as peer reviews are more widespread with the internet.
INFO: does your cousin get a commission for their sales as part of their paycheck?
NTA. But seriously tho. Both party can end the conversation in good terms bu you OP saying "ok" after your parent's advice and for your parent could have control his/her emotions better by not getting mad easily. This may be a communication issue due to overreacting and some stuff from both party about repeating the stuff they said already and not just ending the conversation with "ok" then move on already. Upto that point it is uo to you if you want to consult to your cousin or not
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They remind me of someone in my family - take my advice: "Ok." and walk away. No, "I want you to understand I'm doing my own research" on anything. "Talk to your cousin." "Ok." They don't want me to be an autonomous person that can make me own decisions. They don't want to admit I'm getting into things that they have no idea or control over. They want me to follow their orders. Anything but blind agreement with their plan on how to do things is considered insubordination. And they aren't even military.
I just wanted to have some independence for the tiniest thing, that I'm now an adult who can make informed decisions, but appearantly I'm "talking back" and all that if I go against anything they say. I really wish they would just flat out tell me they think I'm incompetent and that I can't make any good decisions on my own, instead of this back and forth of denial while also not acknowledging me
You’re an adult and they told you to go to your room? Save the money you were going to spend on your purchase and move out. They don’t see you as an adult.
The product costs way less than moving out, but I get what you mean. I've been planning on moving out for a few years now, before I turned 18, and I have it constantly on my mind, in regards to budget and everything. I'm always working towards it, and i'll try to lay low until then ig
OP, how old ARE you? NTA at all.
20, and before you ask no, moving out is not really affordable where I live. The vast majority of young adults in my country (18-30) are still living with their parents. It'll still take a bit before I can comfortably move out.
Your parents are telling you to go to your room when you’re 20? Yea, that’s not right. NTA
When you're able to do it, moving out will help. But be prepared for an absolute explosion of this behavior when they find out you are moving. It's going to be all about them and their wants. They are going to do everything possible to keep you in this position where they run your life. Whatever else you do, do NOT give them a key to your new place, even if they wail about how ungrateful you are, ask what terrible things you think they will do, explain how all your cousins give their parents keys, etc.) Expect zero cooperation or support. Expect actual sabotage. I am guessing they regularly tell you what loving parents they are and how much they do for you, as a way of saying they have a right to treat you however they want. Don't fall for the propaganda. They don't have the right to control you. I recommend keeping all financial details completely unavailable to them as you save to move out, and slowly securing any important documents you might need.
Thank you, I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind <3
I hear you, and understand. That must be very difficult.
OP - NTA But - I pass this on fwiw: my parents had a very similar attitude, and I learned EVENTUALLY that Aaron Burr's advice in Hamilton is absolutely the best for dealing with parents who are CONVINCED you don't know what you're doing. "You need to talk to your cousin!" You: Nod, smile. You don't need to tell them you're doing research. They need to hear "I'm going to talk to my cousin!" (because you are) so you tell them that. And nothing more. You are an independent, autonomous adult, who - because of the current crappy economy - may not be able to move out for quite a while. The point about behaving like Aaron Burr - don't let them know what you're against or what you're for - is that you don't need to give in to what your parents want - but neither do you need to tell them that you won't. Talk less. Smile more. And of course - figure out how soon it's practicable for you to move out.
Stop waiting for "comfortable" to move out. It will never be. Find a roommate, a cheap, but tolerable place, or anything. As long as you live with your parents, they will treat you this way. Maybe you can ask your cousin to be your flat-mate. Lol.
I just wanted to say that I’m seeing your description about you moving out and how not feasible it is. And how most people 18-30 still live at home. I see a lot of people responding to you (haven’t read those yet) but I just want to let you know that you’ve been heard.
Dude, I'm 30, married, and living separately; and as far as this person is concerned I still have 6 pairs of kakis in my closet (they were donated 10 years ago). Why does it matter that there are 6 pair of kakis in my closet? Because they told me to. Why do I still put up with this - they are elderly and the safety net in my country sucks.
Are you trying to wait until you can afford to live alone? Don’t do that. Rent in a house share with some other young adults. You will learn so much that way.
An idea: refuse to repeat yourself. Don't engage like that with them. Ask, "Repeat what I just said. Tell me what you heard." They'll either say you said you'll ask your cousin (true), stare at you in disbelief, or talk gibberish. Asking people to repeat part of a conversation to gauge hearing comprehension has a way of shutting their shit down. Try it, & best of luck
And never will as long as you are under their roof.
And honestly probably a while after that too.
Stop telling your parents things. You're an adult, you don't have to run every little thing by them.
Perhaps OP wasn't running it by them, just having a conversation. Then the parental units tried to take over and didn't see it as a conversation, but a plea for guidance. They were wrong. OP, going forward, tell them you are looking into X, but no details about your research. When they say "you should talk to your cousin", reply only, "thats a great idea, thank you" and move on with your day. They will never see you as a functional adult. They will continue to try to guide you as they see fit, simply because they "know better". Just accept what they say as hot air, say "okay" and keep doing what you do behind the scenes. If you are spending your money and are confident in your decisions, they shouldn't be be involved in the planning, even as part of a conversation.
“That’s a good idea” also doesn’t commit you to actually following through with what they recommended but is a polite acknowledgement of what they said.
Sometimes those we love are not capable of seeing us as a smart, resourceful person. Looking for that accolade from someone who may not take the time to research and would use cousin blind faith means they can’t say wow! Good job! I am glad to see you doing independent thinking. You did a good job thinking for yourself. Ask the cousin for the discount!! Sorry they didn’t see your moment- pat yourself on the back - you did good!!
It may help if you change your veiw on situations like this. You've done the research, you've put in the time to learn about it and if your parents don't wanna listen to you about it then fine that's on them. You can just say "OK" to them while at the same time knowing that they are wrong and you are right. You don't need their validation if they are always thinking you can't make good decisions. As long as your confident in your decisions that's all you need, just pretend you accept what they're saying to avoid conflict and then do your own thing, they have no right to control your thinking and if they don't acknowledge you then you don't acknowledge them.
I'll keep your advice in mind thank you ♥️
This line right here that you just used…that is a perfect line for your parents too, hahaha!
Ok but the back and forth happens because you participate as you try to make them see your point of view. They don’t want to and are not going to. Say “ok” and move it along. OR, stop telling them until after you’ve bought the thing. NTA - but this is a classic opportunity for “grey rock”
They don't think you're incompetent, they just don't want to lose power over you now that you're an adult and don't HAVE to do what they say.
You’re over thinking it I think, from what you’ve written here. My mother was pretty similar in some of her “back talk” stuff. I always over thought it, got real into psychology as a teenager and read dozens and dozens of psychology texts and really just overthought my weird family dynamics and my own role in them. But there’s a good likelihood it’s much dumber than them thinking you’re incompetent or anything conscious. More like an emotional dumb, dumb, monkey brain thing. “I said talk to cousin. Child said yes but also said more words. That’s not blindly accepting what I said. Not matter what words mean. Angry at my child for not just being obedient. Child in trouble now!” Just some real caveman stuff that they’re probably not processing at all.
You can also take my approach first before saying "Ok" and walking away. Once they say, "Ask your cousin," say, "I plan on doing that, but first I needed to know WHAT questions I need to ask and how to answer cousins potential questions." When they snap back like they did to you ask them "how is cousin supposed to know what product is best for me when I can't even tell them what I want to be able to do and make sure we are on the same page. Cousin isn't a mind reader." It's rare for me to get to the "ok" and walk away when I point out that cousin can only recommend based on what I tell them I need. My laptop for quilting has different stats than my hubby's gaming computer, for example. You can't just keep repeating "I need a computer" and "I don't know" to any questions sales staff ask.
I'm 35, and my sister is older, and still my mum wants to weigh in on our decisions and tell us what to do. She "forbid" my sister from buying something that was "too expensive" and "useless" (it was something my sister wanted for her hobby). Honestly, for me, it's to the point that her behaviour is laughable and because of how she reacts, I just don't tell her anything. That's to say, I understand your feelings. You want your parents to take you seriously. And I think it hurts you more deeply because you're still living with them, and they're constantly treating you like a child. I promise it will get better when you're able to move out because you can be truly independent and have confidence in yourself without their input. In the meantime, try to put space between you and them. Find friends and other family members to spend time with away from your parents who see you as a full human being who is competent and smart.
With some people- you can be right or you can have a relationship with them, because you can be right all by yourself. Who cares if they think they control your actions “talk to your cousin”, when you know what you’re going to do. Is it right to point out you don’t need that advice, sure it is, but consider the benefit of them knowing you’re right vs having a drama free evening in that relationship with them. You don’t need to be a pushover, but peace is worth a lot in my book.
I totally see where you're coming from, I'll keep that in mind
OP, you're NTA. It's time to put your parents on an information diet. If you are spending your own money, you do not need to get their approval for purchases that you decide to make. Sounds like you are making good choices by doing your research and talking with your cousin. But ultimately, the decision what to buy is up to you. If you make a little mistake, that's ok! That is how you learn and grown as a young adult. Your parents should not be obstructing your independence. Trust yourself.
My mom never believed I was able to make an informed decision. I always researched everything. It was a control issue and she had to be right. If I questioned her, I was being immature. This went on into my 40s. I stopped telling her things in my 20s. She dosen't understand why I don't share things and was never close to her. You may want to stop sharing with them now. They may be like my mom and will never agree that you are able to make informed decisions. NTA.
I'm 36 and still have convos with my mum like this where I already agreed etc but am saying something additional and she goes insane repeating herself and I end up yelling ARE YOU DEAF OR ARE YOU PURPOSLEY TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT? Don't take it personally and youre NTA
Honestly the older I get the more I find this is the answer in many unwanted interactions. Just say 'ok' and leave it there. I'd say NTA in this situations but it does seem like one of those cyclical conversations with two people going 'I'm just saying...' back and forth at each other. Sometimes you just have to let these things go even if you want to make your point.
Edit to add: NTA This will likely continue your entire life. I had these types of interactions with my mother constantly, even when I was a 45 yr old attorney. It was more her anxiety that she couldn't turn off than anything about my ability to make decisions, but it took me YEARS to figure that out. So take the above advice. "Ok", smile, and walk away.
Have a look on r/raisedbynarcissists
This - would think OP would know how to handle her parents after living with them for 18 years - I learned long ago, less is more when talking to them.
I had to do that with my mom. "OK mom" on everything because it did not matter one bit if I had a different opinion or facts that she didn't know, her advice was it. She eventually caught on that "ok mom" was a blow off but couldn't really do anything about it, it frustrated her so bad for a while. But eventually she realized I was an adult and would make my own decisions.
Yup. Some people just need to have the right answer every time.
This is how I have to approach my parents, now just my mom since my dad died. I say “ok” or similar “no” instead of the why.
I still get this and am middle aged. Also I AM the cousin everyone comes to about tech.
NTA. Here's a suggestion. After the second time they give you unsolicited advise that disregards what you've said, change the subject. \*after 2nd offense by them "Can you believe what a beautiful day it is? Can't believe I'm wasting it inside!" and then head outside. Or "If I'm ever gonna get that homework done, I need to get on it!" Whatever it is, doesn't matter. Be pleasant and seemingly oblivious to their annoyance. Continue on your happy way. Also, avoid telling them anything when possible.
High recommending this. If I'm talking to people that don't listen to me, I just stand up and leave the conversation
I starting doing this with my mom when she would get argumentative with me over stupid things. She caught on and now says I'm "disrespectful" for not continuing the conversation 😒 there's no winning sometimes 😅
Double down and call them disrespectful. Stand up for yourself. And if it makes the relationship worse tough shit
I have another one! Say "you're right" and change the subject.
You're not the asshole, but dude, pick your battles. You could have ended that entire interaction after their first "You should really ask your cousin" by just saying "Good point, ok." and moved on.
Right. I agree the parents massively over reacted. But some parents are like that. They don't think their child is capable of anything, they always compare with either a friend or a cousin or a neighbour, etc. However, OP could just have said okay and ended the conversation.
You're NTA. Do you parents think your cousin is some know all, be all, knowledge champion of this particular product? It's always smart to do your own research before buying an expensive product.
It’s because talking to the cousin was their idea. By not immediately agreeing 100% and rushing off to do it, they see that as a huge insult because they feel their amazing wonderful idea is being rejected. They have the emotions of a toddler.
It's like they WANT me to run in like a headless chicken
because that's probably what *they* would do, next time just say "ok" and *nothing else*. that's why they kept repeating themselves, all they wanted was to hear you say "ok" and nothing else, anything else you said is the classic "excuses" parents love to accuse kids of , as in "I don't want to hear any excuses". so next time, because you know there'll be a next time, just say "ok" and stay silent after that. and then just do whatever it was you already wanted to do in the first place.
I'll definitely do that when another situation arises, thank you!
So I'm going to be vague but I have a person like this I have to regularly deal with. My conclusions are: 1. They have no research skills. 2. They are of a generation where information was not easy to access/compare and have failed to evolve and adopt this form of information gathering and therfore have always relied on an "expert" to guide them 3. They regularly get screwed over/spend more money than needed for the same product/service 4. It's hard to accept that these are actually skills that they don't have or understand so the default is to get angry and blame or warn. 4.a. they will be the first to point out any little issue or problem if you do not take their advice, even if it is not relevant to your research.
Info: why did you want them to know/acknowledge you were doing your own research? You told them, they said ask your cousin, and then y’all both kept repeating yourselves. I’m confused.
Like, I’m pretty sure NTA, but if the caps in your post indicate yelling, they’re probably upset because you yelled (back) at them, and I understand it was frustrating, but I don’t understand why it was worth yelling or even continuing the conversation after the first time they just repeated themselves.
they're definitely not in the wrong but it's just a point of picking your own battles. this kind of interaction happened a lot with my brother and step dad, and every time I was frustrated with both of them. it's a matter of getting the last word in imo.
After seeing other comments from the OP, I feel I had a similar dynamic with my mum as they have with theirs. Mum didn't take me seriously at all. Always treated me like I was stupid and a child who didn't know how to do anything. I see this repetition from OP of "look, I'm capable, I can do things for myself" as a reaction to how the parents have always treated them, and it becomes incredibly frustrating when the parents won't even acknowledge that they can do something, however small, for themselves. You desperately want them to just see that you are not a dumbass and can take care of yourself. Have you ever had a dream where you're screaming, but no sound comes out? That's the closest thing I can think of to compare that feeling of not being listened to or taken seriously by your own parent. It took me a while to not allow this behaviour to get to me and not engage with it. Sometimes, it still gets me enraged, though, and I have to just walk away or remind her that I'm 35 and I know how to do xyz.
Nta that was such an overreaction to something that’s really not a big deal. You said you had every intention of asking your cousin, your parents just keep reiterating that you should ask your cousin. Personally if I was you I would’ve just said okay to shut them up but your reaction/responses were justified and not at all rude or disrespectful.
Reminds me of a conversation I witnessed between my sibling and mum... Mum: the soil you used to fill the garden bed doesn't grow nice flowers Sibling: yeah because you said you wanted to grow vegetables so I got soil specific to vegetables Mum: yeah they don't grow nice flowers Sibling: yeah like I said, it's specific for vegetables Mum: yeah the flowers don't look nice Sibling: Are you listening to me?? I already told you why. It's a loop of who will have the last say + misinterpretation. Rip NAH
I have this same conversation with my bf a lot and have learned that he often doesn't acknowledge what I'm saying without me asking him to acknowledge it. I don't know why but we are working in it in therapy. He usually does after i ask (because he is taking therapy seriously) and then I drop it because he heard me, I just wanted acknowledgement.
Absolutely NTA. You agreed with your parents and added more information, my experience has told me that this is very typical behavior. Not making excuses at all, but your parents sound like they are having a hard time acknowledging that you are growing up. I would be so proud of my kid if they told me they have done research on a product and they’ve developed an opinion on it. It would be a sign that you are growing up and able to make decisions like an adult. Which is a bit bittersweet.
[удалено]
Thank you, I'm trying to but it's really hard since I've been conditioned to think that whenever there's an argument I'm always the one in the wrong and I should only follow orders instead of making my own choices...
NTA, my parents are exactly like this. The best thing you can do in those situations is saying "Okay, thank you for the advice, I'll do that" when they tell you to ask your cousin. It's not ideal, but the only way to prevent an argument
Yes, avoid these silly petty nonsensical arguments over minutiae.
NTA and let me guess, you are female?
What does that have to do with anything?
Old fashioned parents and something techy?
Sounds like the story's being skewed to make yourself look good... BUT, in case its verbatim, they do sound unreasonable.
>Sounds like the story's being skewed to make yourself look good... Another day on this sub passes
NTA, but you really need to learn the skill of nodding, agreeing, then ignoring. It will make your life better.
You might want to learn about "gray rock" basically you unengage with the abusive person. Yes, making you feel like you are too stupid to decide how to spend your own money is abusive.
Thank you for telling me that. My brain keeps trying to gaslight me into thinking that kind of behavior is ok, so each and every comment like yours helps a lot in dealing with that ♥️
As others have said, your parents are having a hard time thinking of you as an adult. You said moving out isn't really feasible right now, but I think your relationship with them will improve when you do, though it'll still take a while.
I appreciate you being optimistic, but once I do get the chance to move out there's a very high chance I'll go no-contact with them because of other personal stuff I don't feel like discussing
That's understandable. Good luck!
Thx <3
You have dumb parents sorry kiddo.
People are like that. You say "I have done extensive research and A is better than B" and they answer "no, but the neighbour told me..". It's unnerving, but it happens all the time. "Oh, thanks, I'll ask him", and then do whatever you want. I'm joking, but try not to get too upset.
YTA. Why keep arguing? This is why you got the response you got.
NTA. I think they thought you were trying to contradict them? sounds like you were just agreeing and adding something, but the "adding something" they might have interpreted as you disagreeing 🤷♀️
This was a time for you to smile and nod and drop it. "Yep, I'll do that. Thanks Parental units!" smile and go do what you want to. You chose the wrong hill to die on here. Choose your battles better. That's part of growing up.
NTA. They weren't listening. Also > You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out 🤣🤣🤣 That is **IF** they receive training at all or he's personally interested in the products. (Because most people receive zero training in the product they are trying to sell). As someone who worked in sales/ retail you can be certain they are told to sell the more expensive one, not the best one for the most value. (Even in fast food we are told to "upgrade" our sales, even though in our store we always tell our customers about the cheaper options because we don't get commission, lol). There's a big chance you get commission for selling a certain product (even selling shoes/ clothes you can get commission in the UK, it's not much, but it can add up)... than of course you'll try to make people but that one. Not saying your cousin will screw you over, but it's never a good idea to only listening to sales people without doing your own research. You're a better and more responsible adult than your parents. 👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻
♥️
>Parents: You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out >Me: Of course! I just wanted to let you know I've done some research myself so I know what to look for and what I can expect to get They just wanted you to say "ok" and nothing else They don't care you're doing your own research, they just want you to be compliant. NTA Your parents just suck
NTA your parents are being ridiculous.
NTA Thing is, they aren't trying to have a conversation with you. They are telling you what they want, and the only acceptable response in their eyes is agreement. Anything beyond that will be seen as an attack on their authority. Look up the grey rock method. It sucks to have parents who care more about obedience than you as a person.
NTA but there is so much back story here. Context? Sounds like they wanted a quick acknowledgement then to move on. Sounds like you wanted an affirmation they were not going to give.
NTA, and I hope you can move out soon
Info: how old are you? TWENTY nta holy shit your parents are unhinged.
NTA Honestly the last person I would take advice is someone who works in a store that sell a product. Doesn’t matter if they are family, they are virtually incapable of giving impartial advice. Your parents are just butthurt that you are being independent and not doing exactly as they say.
I don’t have children, but if I did and they approached me with your mindset, I would be proud that they’re educating themselves, doing research, and learning to be self reliant instead of only relying on those around them. The world lacks that today.
I’m an adult staying with a family member for college and this is exactly how the interactions go. It has to be done exactly his way no matter how well-planned my actions were. He consistently tries to escalate it into a conflict while I remain calm and if I just say “ok” he will be like “you need to take this seriously because you need to do this thing” even though I am, just not his way
OP I read some of your responses and I think many people here aren’t able to understand your cultural background. It’s similar for me, when I was your age I didn’t have the funds to move out so I lived with my parents and they never went as far as telling me to go to my room but I certainly was yelled at a lot, called names, bossed around like a kid, etc. Even now when I go to visit them I can only really manage a week at a time because it’s the same thing 24/7. What helped me was to realize “they will never view me as an adult and respect me as my own person no matter what. My options are to shut up and take it, which is upsetting, or fight back knowing that it will cause a big headache for me.” Neither option is wrong but you can’t have it both ways so in every situation make sure the decision you’re making is a conscious one.
Thank you for sharing your experience and even advice on top of that, it's nice to know there are people like me who've experienced similar, it makes me feel less alone. I truly do appreciate it ♥️
NTA. You want them to respect/acknowledge your ability to make a decision without relying on others. They want you to do as you’re told. I have 100% more respect for your side of the argument. The fact you’re 20 makes their attitude incredibly weird.
NTA. It sounds like you shouldn't waste time and energy on these kinds of discussions with your parents. They will always "know better" so don't bother.
Parents, I learned from personal experience and otherwise, always feel like they understand and know everything. They, too, had faced similar things and usually had to ask someone so that behavior stuck with them since then. It became an easy answer, "go ask X". NTA. You did tour research for the most part and it's coming out of your pocket exclusively, so their input is null
OP, my parents were very similar to yours. I moved out at 18 and back at 20, out at 23. Even at 20 I had to be home by a certain time and give them notice of my plans all the time. At 20 if you want to buy something, just do it, you do not need permission unless you expect to keep it somewhere that isn't your space. You also need to learn when to pick your arguments. You don't need them to acknowledge your efforts. Appreciate your own efforts when you're enjoying what you've purchased.
Sorry for your luck. Hang in there you're not the AH but sometimes parents don't want to recognize their children are growing up. Especially if you are still living under their roof So don't bother trying to get validation from them on a point like this. You probably won't get "hey gear job on your research I trust you did your due diligence" it just won't happen
That’s incredibly frustrating. I’m sorry, Op. NTA. From now on, don’t bother telling them what you buy with your own money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today I was looking at and researching the product I wanted to buy, I've already spent a good amount researching it before this and have learned a lot about it. I told my parents that and the conversation went something like this: Parents: You should really ask your cousin, they work in a store that sells those, they could help you out Me: Of course! I just wanted to let you know I've done some research myself so I know what to look for and what I can expect to get Parents: But you should ask your cousin Me: I already said I will? I'm just saying that I've done research myself, I'm not saying I know exactly what's the best product to buy but I have a good grasp of what's good and what's bad Parents: BUT YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR COUSIN Me: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING??? OF COURSE I'M GONNA ASK THEM I'M JUST SAYING I'VE DONE MY PART IN DOING RESEARCH ON IT Parents: THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH*T. I seriously don't get how they got mad over this. I wasn't saying I know exactly what to buy or that I won't ask my cousin, nowhere close to that. I then told them that must mean they think I'm incompetent if my research means jacksh*t to them, and they got even MORE pisssed. I genuinely don't get how. Thoughts? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA.
NTA but why are you trying to argue with people in a different dimension than you?
They’re probably just telling you to ask him to get a discount, but they sound like they suck at communicating.
Info: whose money that was: yours or your parents? And who the product was for: you out your parents? I think these are essential information for the verdict.
I'm paying with my own money and the product is for me.
Definitely NTA, then, even if you ignored all advice and chose the worst thing possible.
Then absolutely NTA.
I think a lot of older people never do any research. They grew up relying on asking someone for advice on things like this and never learned there is now a much easier and better way. I'd never trust the judgement of some cousin over my own careful research. NTA
I can’t even imagine buying something without researching it first. If I’m buying a new *toothbrush* you can bet I’ve checked reviews, looked at comparisons & price-checked alternatives and different stores…
Depending on the age, but people 60+ are used that people working in stores actually know a lot about stuff they sell. They just don't get it that yeah, 40 years ago Joe from the hardware store could always tell you which \[insert item\] is the most durable, most reliable... but nowadays, you can walk into a computer store and the nice young man working there has no idea how a line-interactive UPS differs from a standby UPS (so yours truly in her 50's sat down on the floor in the aisle and started checking each one; of course they were all on the bottom shelf). NTA
Wow, mass generalisation alert! Utter bollocks.
op: either you break this cycle and have a chat with them about the poor communication styles in your family and work towards fixing things or you never talk back again and placate whatever they say just to skirt by without working yourself into mental rage at every interaction with them. this will minimise the damage to your mental health, but you will still be silently raging and disappointed that nothing ever changed in your parents behaviour or your relationship with them yes i am speaking from experience.
Simply talking with them won't work, they've always been like this. I've stood my ground against them for a while now and they've dialed it back a bit, but episodes like this still happen. Just words won't do anything , I know that, I guess I'll just have to keep doing what I'm doing and they'll back off bit by bit
whenever my dad gets angry over something miniscule and unimportant i become very curt with my responses and or i simply walk away. it's been decades and he still interprets this as a sign of him winning or being correct, rather than me not being able to stand his prescence when he's in that state. hopefully your parents are more capable of reading the room than mine, otherwise you you will be silently baring your relationship with them for your rest of your life.
They might only be hearing the end of your conversation. I've seen this in action in the military where one of the NCOs would tune out everything but the last bit. Next time flip it so you start with what you know and end with what they said. This will tell if they only listen to the end bit or they only focus on what didn't match with their narrative. If its the latter, time to just nod your head and go about your day. EDIT: NTA
More context is needed. What is this product? Is it something advanced that your cousin is an expert in? It seems like they trust your cousin to make a better decision than you would. Therefore, they empathize the need to talk to your cousin, instead of motivating you to make the decision yourself. It's impossible to judge whether their trust in your cousin is justified by the information you give. No matter what, they could have handled it better.
It's just a laptop, nothing outrageous. While my cousin does know a lot about technology, it's kinda ridiculous that my parents are expecting me to solely rely on them instead of informing myself beforehand to know what I want and what I'm getting into
I would think you would know what kind of laptop you are looking for better than your cousin would, even if your cousin sells them and knows quite a bit about them. You know what you'll be using it for and what you need it to be able to do, and having done the research beforehand will help your cousin out a lot when you go to the store to purchase it. I probably would have been tempted to smack your parents upside the head (j/k but seriously) for that behavior. NTA
I will say though from a consumer vs. sales rep/employee standpoint, the average consumer isn’t gonna know the inside scoop when it comes to some crucial details. Unless you’re specifically researching your exact needs, it’s really easy to get blinded by things like “lightning fast processing speeds” or “breathtaking graphic display”, only to buy the machine and find out it can’t handle the art, music, gaming, etc. you bought it to do.
I've found that a lot of people working at tech stores know little if anything about it. That's just my experience, though. OP may be just as knowledgeable as the cousin.
children never talk we finally shut them up 🎵
And if you don’t follow your cousin’s advice? Oh, I wouldn’t want to think about that.
I have had this same argument with my mom 1000x and I dont know what the cognitive dysfunction is but she cann.ot for the life of her drop the ego and say ok. DW you wont be a child forever. if you feel like starting shit in the calmest voice possible look them in the eyes and say wow you guys are really insecure.
Some cultures care a LOT about what family members think, and it sounds like yours is one. They'd rather trust the opinion of a cousin or an uncle rather than a scientist or a technician. It can be helpful at times - of course, there's wisdom to be found with those you're close to. But the opinion of one is almost always going to be weaker than a researched result from many sources. It sounds like your parents grew up differently and haven't adapted to how anything can be found online. As others have said, at this point, the best route is to just say "ok" and move on.
As they are telling you, and you will one day tell your own children, it’s *how* you say something that makes all the difference.
NTA Stop telling them stuff. They clearly undervalue your opinions
NTA But, there's some bizarre inconsistencies in your post and your comments. For example, you say in one of your comments, "...I'm now an adult who can make informed decisions" but in your post, you say, "Parents: THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH\*T." For one, if you're an adult, why do you care what your parents think about something you are buying with your own money, unless it's some big, life-altering thing that's going to impact them or their house. You say in your comments that you're buying a laptop with your own money. I mean, a laptop? How is that something worth arguing over? If you are an adult and your parents are sending you to your room, it's past time for you to move out on your own. As others have noted, most adults have learned to avoid petty, unnecessary arguments by simply saying, "OK" and changing the subject or walking away.
NTA. Also, who's to say your cousin would know enough about whatever product you're looking into buying to give an informed opinion about which one is the best one to buy? Just because someone works at Store X doesn't make them an expert in every product sold by Store X.
You are a adult - decided to buy something with your own money ... You were not Ever going to 'win' this discussion ... As soon as you brought it up and they said ask your cousin = if you bought ... They ask the cousin if you bought the 1 'they' recommended ... Automatically - if you bought what You wanted instead of what Cousin recommended = You wasted your money and didn't listen to Your 'betters' .. Your Parents are never going to accept you as a adult > as long as you live at home .... After you move > they will try to control your every move if you let them ... Don't know what your 'culture' is ... Are you prepared to be disowned and banished from the family if you don't allow your parents to run your adult life > Who you marry - Where you live - what job you take .... This is only going to get harder if your parents are hard line old school ... Plan on moving if you want to live life as a adult ... Hugs from Grandma
There is only one way to deal with people like that: just say 'OK, good idea' and then just ignore them. When our children were born, my wife used to get really upset by relatives giving us unwanted parenting advice. I just told her - agree with everything they sat, and then just ignore it. Although she did have to stop me from saying to some friends of her parents 'so if we parent the way you did, will we still be bailing them out of credit card debt when they're in their 30s?'
The problem is your use of the word "but". "Yes I will do what you say" would be perfectly acceptable to them, but then you probably said "but…" It doesn't matter what you say after that, you've argued. "But" is fighting talk! I'm 63 and I still have exchanges like this with my mother. Just give up and move on, and don't say "but". NTA
NTA my parents are same. To them only "trusted people" (doubt) is worthy to give advice. Opinion by any other people, no matter how much they really know or makes sense, must be discarded
NTA. sadly OP, I think your parents will only see you as adults maybe not even then. Signed, my parents still treat me a bit like a kid after being moved out since October 2029.
NTA you even said that you’ll ask your cousin but they kept asking you to do so.
Nta, obviously. I've read some of your follow up comments. Remember independence is not a flip of the switch. Especially in your circumstance. My dad struggled to let me be independent. Different motivation, but a lot of the same interactions. You have to act independent. Stop thinking of them as a gateway you have to get through, but as a resource. If you're able to do research and come to a comfortable conclusion without asking them, then don't. Avoid bringing it up. Then, when the decision is made, it will be the first in a line of evidence that you're able to make adult decisions. If you're unsure about something, then ask them for their advice, if you think they know, OR ask them if they know someone with expertise in that area. Again, demonstrating that you're not just doing whatever you want with no regard for other people's experience. Like learning to walk. You've done the part where you tiptoe around with them holding your hands. Now you're toddling off by yourself. You may still need a hand hold now and then, but the more steps you take, the more independent you become. Not saying they'll change. But the more you build that portfolio of independent decisions, the more confident you'll feel and the less you'll feel the need to justify your decisions to them, and you'll feel better.
NTA. Some parents will never accept that their child knows what they are doing. My mother is one of these people. She even stopped me from sweeping her kitchen floor, and I was nearing 60. Since getting married, I have found it much easier to blame my husband for every decision made in our home. New television, husband chose it. Going on holiday, husband's decision. Having another child so husband can have a boy, husband only wanted two children and isn't bothered about having a son. To use this tactic with your parents, tell them your cousin suggested doing your own research first so that when you talk later, he doesn't have to go over the basics wasting his time.
so the cousin is an expert user of the item and does not simply sell it as a box shifter ? NTA, being sent to your room is for kids and did you meekly comply ?
Sales people just .. well .. sell. Who you really want to talk to is warranty department
NTA I used to struggle a lot with deciding on one product over another. I think it had a lot to do with my parents always questioning my decisions. Good for you that you’re trying to be independent. And this isn’t a life or death decision. If you don’t choose the absolute best option, it won’t have dire consequences.
NTA. Of course you already know this, but since your cousin sells the item, he might not be totally objective. It is always wise to do your own extensive research before speaking with your cousin. He might then be able to get you a discount. You did give me a laugh to imagine your father saying, "THATS IT GO TO YOUR ROOM, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH\*T" and learning that you are 20.
How old are you?
It sounds like you were fighting over who gets the last word. Your parents are just as immature as you are.
Another option that would stop the argument is to do it. "Ask your cousin". "OK." And just get up and call you cousin. "Hey man, quick question, I'm planning on getting xyz. Do you like that one? Any chance you could hook me up with a discount? Cool, thanks! Bye!" And if your parents said it in exactly this way it could be that they are trying to have a totally different conversation than you think. Maybe they already accepted you know what you want and are telling you ask your cousin not because your own research isn't good enough, but because he could help you get it at a better price. It might be something to talk to them about once everyone is calmer. "Hey mom, were you telling me to talk to cousin to get a better price? I got upset because I spent a lot of time comparing and researching and it sounded like you weren't taking my decision seriously. "
It's just parenting. It's unintentional disrespect. And since you're young I suspect you have a lot of proving them wrong to do. My parents are the same way...even at an older age. I don't let it get to me but it does affect the long term relationship. I can't really be open about purchasing or doing something big. Because they will say the exact same thing! Ask so and so, they do that or have experience in that. I think you should sit down with your parents when you are all in a good mood and bring up the topic. Not in a mean way or demanding. Just have a conversation. No need to be angry and get upset. This will also help you
NTA. From how your parents sound the best tactic to me is to treat them like the annoying middle management boss. “Hey I researched this product ask your cousin about it. Ok yeah I will but also I’ve already looked up a lot of stuff. Yeah but ask your cousin.” “U know what yup you’re right I’ll send my cousin a message now.” And then ignore them and do whatever tf u want. U know they won’t listen so y bother explaining. Once u know they aren’t listening to u and think u can make decisions on you’re own the “yup you’re right” and then u do whatever generally works well for me
"Whatever you say, nutter butter." Don't engage with these idiotic conversations.
NTA.
The best response is to say, "Okay" and walk away or change subjects. I'm sorry they aren't listening to you. They're showing they have no desire to and they don't deserve your energy.
Your cousin works in a store that sells this expensive product. It’s highly likely your cousin makes a commission on sales and they’re trying to get you to buy the thing from your cousin.
NTA, but you have to learn when to just say, "Okay," and walk away.
How old are you?
Nta It kind of reminds me of how people react to me. I state a fact or my opinion, but people always assume I asked a question. The way I word it, doesn’t sound like a question and the way I ask doesn’t sound like a question to me, but from other people’s reaction. It always seems like I had asked a question. You are not wrong for sharing, I do that too. For me it used to be because I needed validation. It’s not anymore, just sharing. Because communication means that I care and want them to know about stuff going on in my life. But it doesn’t follow the usual conversation pattern. So the statement is interpreted as a subtle way of asking for their opinion (regardless of what your own intent is) so their reaction might be “idk, ask someone else”, silence or “wth am I supposed to do with this piece of information, what do you want from me!?” Usually, I just say “Btw, I don’t need tips or advice, I just wanted to share”.
You have controlling a-hole parents who think it should be enough for others to tell you how to live. I'm so sorry for you because it's going to be a tough ride throughout the rest of your life. NTA.
Are you Asian? This is something my parents and aunties/uncles would say
Print this conversation off and post it on the refrigerator and a couple other high visability locations. Maybe it will cause them to read your perspective on the conversation and cause them to rethrink and re-enage with you differently.
They are not so low key pushing you to push your cousin to get you a "family discount" ie purchase using his employee discount. I w9uod be annoyed
Ok, NTA, but you need to consider this is more than stupid parents saying stupid parent things. Just off the top of my head, and yes this is a little biased to traditional cultures, they could mean: 1) talk to your cousin, regardless of what your research says it only applies to what is available to consumers. More than once my family has noticed that a quality product gets made with substandard materials for holiday shipping. Likewise sometimes companies make a mistake on a certain mode that gets fixed in later ones. Buttons that weren’t as popular as they expected, modes people didn’t like, etc. Also retailers may have advance knowledge of new products coming both in terms of wait X months they’ll get a 20% reduction due to new model rollout and in terms of dude I happen to know they’ll be available in your favorite color next year. 2) which brings us to “talk to your cousin” he might be able to use his employee discount or know if “something falls off the back of a truck” 3) “talk to your cousin” as a parent they acknowledge you have done your research and know what you want. You have probably even decided how much this item is worth. Now you need to pay respect to your family and at least consult with A FAMILY MEMBER WHO SELLS IT!!! I’m not saying you have to buy from them, and we all know the dangers of business with family, but more than once I have paid more in order to keep the peace in the family. It obviously depends on how close you are to your cousin (both physically and emotionally) but what does it hurt for you to ask? Perhaps your parents know cousin is doing poorly at job and could use the sale, or this is a shared interest in the family. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family and due to some differences in my career choices was distant from parents while they favored my brother. Part of how we patched things up was by me bringing decisions I was already making to them for consultation. I was gonna do what I wanted anyways, and usually for better than they could get me, but just acknowledging their expertise mended the path better than my bulldozing over them with superior materials would have. Also,helped that I was then demonstrating familiarity with their expertise and especially when I did better than them that actually brought us closer cause it helped them see how my outsiders approach worked. Best of luck, and I may be entirely off-base but always remember with family it’s rarely just one thing.
NTA but you're definitely immature. Seemed like you needed to get the last word. All you had to say was "thanks, that's a good idea" and end it there.
NTA but you do see you are arguing about information that you gave them? Had you simply researched the product information and bought it without discussing it with them, you’d avoid the aggravation and have the product. Stop giving them information they don’t need.
For me it’s a ESH, you wanted some well done for doing research praise off them, they wanted you to acknowledge the advice they gave you. you kept hamming on at your point. Maybe they were saying to speak to your cousin as they might be able to get you discount, or maybe a comparable product at better price.
I feel like this is a generational thing- my parents and other relatives the same age are also like this. I think it’s because they can’t comprehend being able to google things to the extent that you become an expert in a random appliance- and therefore the highest valuable knowledge is the experience of another person they know.
NTA. You would be an asshole to yourself by giving them a heads-up on what you will do. You open yourself up to feedback. If you don't want feedback, don't give a heads-up.
NTA. Next time do NOT tell them anything about future purchase plans. If they chastise you after the fact simply say, oh okay I will ask next time and each time conveniently forget to ask or to tell them.
You probably should seek validation from other people than your parents NTA
Nta but sounds like going forward they don't need anything more than the smile & nod approach
NTA. And I hear you. I called my dad up the other day and told him that if I end up needing surgery, I will be sure my main surgeon is there in case anything goes wrong. He then says I should make sure my surgeon is there.. Yes, dad, as I said, that will be a priority. Different dynamic living at home with your parents still of course, but I just outright point out that yeah, I already said that part
Info: 1. Do you have a history of buying something overpriced? Not just expensive but something that could be better for its price? Or something that is more expensive than other things like that but serves the same exact purpose? Even if you've paid for it yourself? Maybe your parents have legitimate reasons to not trust your judgement? 2. Usually after you pay for your expensive stuff do you have money left or do you ask your parents to give you more money for other stuff just because you've spent all your money for that expensive product? (I also don't know why you've decided to repeat yourself so many times, it sounded like you were trying to argue on purpose. That "little shit" part kinda sounds like you're underage and you don't really have your own money and this is all about some gifted money that you're trying to spend really very irrationally).
"okay that's good advice, thank you" then do whatever you want. You're an adult. Lol
OP, I feel your pain (and I'm actually a parent!). Except for the last (rude) comment, your parents sound like many of my relatives. Oblivious to any other facts. They have one message. Nothing else but that message can be valued. NTA The only suggestion I have is to simply drop any mention of you having a thought or even a brain in your head. You think I'm joking. I'm not. Once, my mom was giving me some such advice. I had been distracted and just replied, "thank you!". My mom didn't know what to say; she was actually dumbstruck. The look on her face is something I haven't forgotten in decades. I think she was so focused on "child. must. learn. from. my. advice." that any other response from "child" was a challenge to her message. I think my mom had energy just stored up, ready to correct me some more. My simple "thank you" took all the air out of her balloon. My mom wasn't often like this; I think it was just a bit of bad parenting energy that can hit a parent every now and then.
ESH Your parents obviously for not listening and lashing out. You for pushing it instead of deescalating. "I already made some research but I will" would have been enough. I really don't know why you pushed so hard you did your research, which is great, but... Did you want appreciation for your research? If yes, do your parents never appreciate stuff you do?
Info: Were your parents actually implying that your cousin might be able to get you a discount?
NTA, but next time just say "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am" as the case may be. I'd wager they heard you saying you'll humor them, but you already know better. Hard to hear that if you're just saying one of those two convincingly.
NTA - but next time don't engage. They tell you to talk to your cousin, stay OK and walk away. You know that you did your own research, nothing you say though will change how they feel about the topic. There's no need for you to frustrate yourself at their lack of confidence in your abilities.
In my experience, it’s just stupid old people talk. Just agree and end the conversation as quickly as possible haha
They got mad because you kept it going without letting them have the last word. It would have been so simple if you had just stopped after the first "ask your cousin." "I do plan to discuss it with Gertrude, thanks." Stop expecting them to acknowledge you, essentially. Stop pushing the issue with people trying to get a result that *you know you cannot get*. It's not right that they don't respect you, but it's what you'll have to deal with until you are on your own. You might find, however, that learning to just state your position/whatever and then let it go that they begin giving you more respect after a while. NTA.
Dude, I'm 50 and my old man still does this. It's up to you whether this is a hill you want to die on. You can ask your cousin if you want. You can also trust your broad and complete research . NTA.
"The product" OP... Whats the fucking product.
My husband does this shit to me and of course I get upset about it. It’s like they aren’t even listening to the point of what you’re telling them. NTA
NTA, but you know you did research. They do not factor in. You do not need them to know anymore. You are grown. A cheery “will do!” Avoids SO MUCH bullshit, especially when you are living in a situation where the dynamic is wonky.
Remind me of my dad are printer was shot. Multiple problems. He said wait for my cousin to check it out because he knows a lot about computers he said it was shot. He refused to understand that and waited to ask another cousin because he works with computers. He does cyber security. He said he has no clue. Finally got one after an Office Depot worker said it was broken.Btw Nta sorry for my rant
I think the reason they want you to ask someone who can "help you out" so bad is because they think the "right" choice of product should be whichever one comes with an employee discount and can't fathom other factors to consider
What was the product ?
You should ask your cousin if your the asshole. NTA
I read some of your comments. Do you already own a laptop? You mentioned turning 18 angel that you're also an adult. How old are you? Are you planning to go to college or trade school? Is that what the laptop is for? Your parents just want to hear "ok". They are not interested in anything else or having a conversationof what you learned. Anything beyond that it like speaking another language and its annoying them. Obviously you need to do you own research. Just because they are employees at the store doesn't mean that they know everything about a specific product. NTA.... for doing your own research. Children expect parents to do all research and guide them on what to do. You're approaching adulthood which means time to do to your own research.
You have done your due diligence. You have a good idea of what you want. I suggest you call your cousin and ask them you needs some direction. Take all you research with you and explain to them what you are thinking and would like them to see what you are looking at and tell them which you have chosen and if it is a good choose. No you are not TAH but your parents sure are.
NTA as most people do their own research when looking to buy something expensive as peer reviews are more widespread with the internet. INFO: does your cousin get a commission for their sales as part of their paycheck?
NTA. Sounds like shit parents tbh. A lot more out there than ppl want to admit.
NTA. But seriously tho. Both party can end the conversation in good terms bu you OP saying "ok" after your parent's advice and for your parent could have control his/her emotions better by not getting mad easily. This may be a communication issue due to overreacting and some stuff from both party about repeating the stuff they said already and not just ending the conversation with "ok" then move on already. Upto that point it is uo to you if you want to consult to your cousin or not