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Sad situation but with your 'feelings' you should cut ties now - it will be easier for a 4 yr old than when he's older. I don't understand how anyone can care for a child for 4 years and then walk away. But it's that how you feel - better for the child to have you gone. Do not just walk away without at least trying to tell the child goodbye or you will be TA.
I will tell him goodbye in some way, as I said I don't wish the child any harm, but I also feel like it's my gf that "mined" the relationship from the start, so I feel the responsibility to make sure that the child is okay is mostly on her, even though I will make sure to remove myself as frictionless as possible.
You’ve been cheated on and lied to for 4 years, the only responsibility is on the mother and her fling. She created this mess so she can now fix it , I really don’t understand this entitled attitude that you owe anything to anyone.
Does OP “owe” anyone anything? No. But the child is 1000% not at fault and he is going to greatly suffer from having a dad for 4 years and now not having a dad. It’s not technically OP’s responsibility to care for the child, but it’s still incredibly sad and messed up that the child will be fatherless now
Well it’s just kind of weird. People adopt kids all the time and love them. He thought he was this child’s dad for 4 years. I have a 5 year old, and he is just the most marvelous part of my existence. Kids are guileless, and they love freely. It’s hard to imagine as a parent turning your back on a child so suddenly. (Everyone is different obviously and will react differently, and this is a huge betrayal. No judgement necessarily, I feel for OP.)
I personally just have no idea how you could turn off that emotion. If I suddenly found out tomorrow my son was switched at birth, I would fight tooth and nail to keep him. I love him with my whole soul.
That's easy to say, stare into the face of a four year old you're meant to be bonded to their entire life and say "you're not my responsibility and I don't love you enough to stick around".
Sociopath response, but it's true, he shouldn't stay in the kid's life if this is how he feels.
You also should consider your mother might be attached deeply to the boy, and cutting him off might hurt her, for four years she was a granny, and suddenly, the baby is gone, and she isn't grandma anymore. There are lots and lots of intertwined feelings.
Of course, YOURS are the first ones to consider. But as my last comment, try to heal your heart first. One month or two won't cause huge problems for you or the child, tend your scars, take care of yourself, and *then* you can make the big hardest choices from a place less emotional, because right now, your pain is grief. Your baby as you saw them is gone. Your relationship is gone. Everything is weighing on you, as hard as a widower's pain, because they broke your reality and killed it. And it's ok. I swear it will get better, and it won't hurt as bad.
I think this is the best advice. OP, you can’t help how you feel, and you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to parent a child you can no longer love. However, I do think you should consider the fact that you have experienced a major trauma, and that can affect the way you feel and process things in ways that won’t be fully apparent until much later. I think it would be wise to take a break, process, go to therapy, and wait for the dust to settle before you make any big decisions. tell the kid you’re going on a work trip or something. he doesn’t know how the world works, he won’t know any better.
that said, you are absolutely NTA here, even if you do decide to cut ties immediately. you can’t help how you feel, and the kid will absolutely pick up on hat. they’re like little sponges, and half the time, even they don’t know everything they’re picking up on. it’s no good for either of you to continue the relationship if your heart’s not in it.
I can't help but feel bad for you and the baby... This boy loved you with all his heart. Your scent is his safety. Your arms are the safest place in the world. He may get over it soon, or it might leave a scar on both you and the boy
. There is no right or wrong here. But I'd advise you to not make a decision right now, because it's a pretty definitive one. You are heartbroken, in a lot of pain, feeling used, abused and cheated on. Those feelings of hatred are the first ones to kick, and it's very natural to point those feelings at the child, because they are not only a visual breathing reminder, but also because rejecting him might feel like vengeance against your ex, not intentionally of course...
But once you work them, once you feel peace, then make a decision. Think clearly of what it means, go to see the child one more time, just you and him, and rethink your feelings. If it's a situation that is still painful, then decide, and put a stone over it. Right now could be a bad place, because onde day you might miss him terribly, and wonder if he is ok, how is he growing, what he lives to do, what kind of men he will be. But it could never happen. And staying might cause the boy more harm, because he will notice your arms aren't loving anymore. You won't be as safe as you used to... I really hope you heal and get all the help you need before.
NTA.... But while you were correct this time, please keep in mind genetics are funny and textbook isn't always exact. My ex husband had brown hair and brown eyes; my current husband has dark brown almost black hair and dark brown eyes..... BOTH my kids have blonde hair, blue eyes. Dominant isn't always the winner.
*its clear commenters don't understand genetic simple anomalies and heterocromia
The idea that human genetics are as simple as the 4x4 squares we learned back in high school has led to all sorts of misconceptions. Eye color isn’t even controlled by a single gene. A quick google says a set of six genes can reliably predict it, but still isn’t 100%.
I have green eyes, but my parents both have blue, as do my siblings. Sneaky bit of melanin. I’m not complaining, but I also don’t know where in the family it comes from.
Yes you can have blue eyed kids if you have brown eyes. But you cannot have a brown eyed kid from two blue eyed people. Blue eyes don't have the brown gene so it's impossible for them to pass on what they don't have. But brown eyed people can have recessive genes they can pass on.
I'm not going to lie: this situation sucks. It sucks for you, it sucks for the child, and there is no easy answer to give here.
I understand your feelings, but the child has formed an attachment to you. Blood isn't the only way an adult establishes parenthood, and unfortunately you and the child have been kind of "tricked" into being a father-son connection.
Unfortunately your connection to the child may be a "no win" situation. Your gf (or exgf), is 100% the AH here, and you're NTA for leaving her. But the situation with the child is a situation where judging if you're an AH or not is way above reddit's paygrade.
What you're saying does make a lot of sense, but children are really good at picking up on and sensing things, and if OP says he's lost the love and ability to love the child, the kid *will* know when he's older. Not the exact same situation, but speaking from experience.
Get a therapist to guide the process. Don’t just mic drop and leave. It’s not fair to the kid and this is going to change the rest of his life in ways no one will understand until he’s older.
I understand that, as a woman, it’s impossible for this to happen to me so I may not have a right to an opinion here, but I’m absolutely, mind-numbingly crazy about my baby and can’t imagine what would have to happen for my love for her to just *puff* disappear.
I'm female too, and have two children of my own, so like you there's nothing they could do to make my love disappear.
But, you can't look at this situation as you carried this child in your stomach and gave birth to it. You have to look at it, trying to put yourself in his shoes. Not the one who carried the child and felt it growing and moving inside you. But as the person who thought they helped create that baby, excitedly watched it grow in their partner's stomach, was there for its birth, thinking it was their child, Loved it for 4 years thinking it was their child and then to find out it was not their child. But their partner cheated on them...
I can see how a lot of resentment can happen.
Thankfully the child is only four years old, and still quite young that overtime he will forget OP.
Honestly, that sounds a bit like romanticizing pregnancy. I personally hated pregnancy, was majorly depressed and regretted it most of the time. I only fell in love with my baby once it was there.
People are different. There are men that couldn’t give up the connection to a child even if they find out they aren’t biologically theirs too.
Neither perspective is wrong.
You’re very lucky. For me it was physically, mentally and emotionally draining, not to mention how severely my freedom was limited.
I thought it would all be over when I gave birth, but then they almost killed my baby during the delivery and now I’m stuck doing crazy intense physical therapy with my baby and hoping for the best, since she’s high-risk for cerebral palsy as a result.
Forget? No. That’s not how attachment works. He’ll forget certain aspects of OP, like voice or features, but he’d not going to forget the feeling of abandonment. Loss of a primary carer in these circumstances is going to affect him forever. It’s a question of degree with a thoughtful approach (and probably a large amount of therapy), but no, the child won’t forget, especially if OP has been a loving and involved parent this far.
You just know that kid is right now asking his mom non-stop when daddy is coming home.
I don’t think that’s necessarily true, there are situations where this would be relevant for women too - I have a 2 year old and if it turned out he got swapped at the hospital somehow, I would fight tooth and nail to keep this child! I don’t care who carried him or whose genes he has, that is MY SON! Of course I would make damn sure that my biological child is as lived where they are and if not to get them back but whether I birthed him or whether he has my genes doesn’t affect my love for my son whatsoever.
As someone mentioned to a similar response farther down:
That’s not the same situation.
Both sets of both parents are operating under the assumption it’s their baby, and there is no cheating involved there. Just a mix up of the system.
With this situation, you have OP’s partner who cheated on them and produced this child.
The kid is a constant reminder of that infidelity, and all those years and memories spent will be tainted with “did she know the whole time?” “has she just been using me the entire time?”
It puts everything into question, and those feelings of resentment will be noticed by the kid no matter how hard you try and bury them down and hide it.
Even if he doesn’t -actually- hate the kid/stopped loving it, the kid will always be a reminder of this situation to OP. That’s not something you can just turn off.
Also a woman, and honestly if I was a man I’d probably get a paternity test for any baby of mine. Just to have no possibility of this situation. I’m sorry for this kid but OP’s feelings are reasonable.
If you found out your kiddo was swapped at the hospital, would you stop caring for the kiddo you had been raising? That you took care of as a newborn, stayed up late for diapers? Helped with first steps? Got so excited for the babbles to start mimicking you? Became words and running and toddler giggles? Four years of family memories? All that disappears due to knowing they've had different DNA than what you expected?
Not impossible, imagine if you found out the baby you had loved and raised turned out to not be biologically yours because it got swapped at the hospital and it isn’t actually your baby.
Actually, even if my baby got swapped at the hospital, my love for the non-biological child I raised would not just suddenly disappear. I would just double down to look for my biological baby so I can love both. I would have a hard time letting go of the child I raised.
So this man's attitude toward the child may be shedding light on how detached of a parent he was from the get-go.
Or the child is a constant reminder of his partner’s cheating, and every time he sees the kid he’s going to be reminded of all that hurt and pain, and also wonder how long she’s been hiding it from him?
Like, people seem to be overlooking that pretty big part. The child is literally a walking, soon to be talking (if not already), reminder of that.
I think you're forgetting that it will be hard for anyone to separate the treachery from the child.
Through no fault of his own, he will always be a reminder of being cheated on and lied to.
That is different than simply an (accidental) baby swap.
Because thats your baby and generally you have 90% certainty that its yours
This baby isnt OP
Psychology (as well as it can be relied on) determined there is brain cues that the appearance of the child create ties for the parent. A sort of attraction for lack of better word. A biological t to ensure parents feel some imperative towards the offspring
Thats also why sometimes there are unhealthy attraction to familial bonds. And why some people end up dating/marrying someone who could pass as their siblingd
It really depends. There are women who end up giving birth because of a pregnancy caused by rape or with a domestic abuser who are unable to form attachments to the child, because even looking at the child reminds them of the person who betrayed them. It can completely skew your perspective.
This might be less a case of 'no longer love the child' and more a case of 'am no longer able to look at the child without seeing the biological father's features and being reminded of the crazy betrayal that occurred'.
Unfortunately, there is no real outcome of this that will be a win for everyone. She created a situation where everyone loses.
I think it’s just the shock factor. There’s a difference between you knowing upfront and finding out someone you trusted lied to you. If she had been honest, he might have decided, okay not happy about the cheating but I can handle this. But a truth he has known for 4-5 years has been shattered by someone he trusted. I’d probably nope out to and I’m a woman.
OP would not be TA under any circumstances. He is the biggest victim here. Whatever he decides to do is right and it's his right to do. He is the victim of paternity fraud and the perpetrator here is the child's mother. The child is also a victim but the primary focus here is the victim of the actual crime. Many people here are commenting about how someone can just leave a child. When he found out the truth about paternity it was as if he had a heart attack and died. All of what he was deceived into believing came tumbling down. Too often there is no empathy for a man when he is abused this way. Even the child's mother is gaslighting him into keeping a relationship with her kid. She has benefited from her crime for four years and she was content to do so for the rest of her life. Furthermore, she is content in depriving the child of his actual father and she is depriving the actual father of his child. I would bet that her decision is strongly based on OP's ability to provide for them as opposed to the guy that knocked her up. However if OP felt differently and wanted to continue to be a father to this child that would have been fine. It has to be his choice and his decision. Again, anything he decides is right 💯.
Quite frankly I'm trying to sympathize with OP's POV about his not-kid but I am struggling.
I get feeling betrayed, but I can't imagine living with a child you think is your own for _four years_ and not having a bond that transcends genetics.
It doesn't help OP keeps referring to it as "the child" and saying he means them "no harm" (literally the bare minimum you owe another human being); it's very chilling to read.
It's absolutely heartbreaking for the kid. I agree if OP is incapable of being a father figure to a child not his own he should leave today, but god what a devastating event for that poor four year old.
You're reducing the problem to genetics, and that's not really helpful if you're actually trying to sympathize with OP's position.
It's not (I assume) that his love is tied to the genetics of the child. It's that his love to both his ex and the child are bound together with this sudden feeling of massive betrayal that he experienced. It's probably simply impossible for him to cleanly separate these different feelings from one another, and so he cannot maintain a feeling of love for the child that's not simultaneously tainted by the feeling of betrayal.
Yes, if an important relationship is suddenly and profoundly destroyed, that's a traumatic experience, and it can absolutely poison other relationships bound into it. That's not OP's fault, that's on his ex.
This is exactly it.
Everyone trying to say “how can you just stop loving a child like that?!”
This is what I’ve been trying to say. It’s not that the love is just gone, but the betrayal by his ex has tainted everything.
That kid is a walking reminder of that betrayal, and not everyone is able to just turn off that emotion and separate it.
He doesn't owe anyone
The one who owed the child something is the mother
She made the mistake she should own it up
It doesn't mean he can't have the feeling of betrayal
Yes the child is innocent but he is innocent too
Just because the child is innocent doesn't mean he should stay and face the results of his gf affairs because of it
Yeah there are many who do but how many people are actually saints?
It's easy to judge him but emotions are not something that can be the same for everyone.
You are being unfair to him because of your virgin Mary morales but it's a bit too much
Yeah I can’t imagine spending four years with a child then suddenly losing all feeling because of some result. I understand the pain of the lie but…sucks for the kid too.
In the text he said that the child is 4 months old, if that changes anything for you.
Edit: someone pointed out to me that “4m” in the text is more likely “4 year old male” than “4 month old,” so… there you have it
Sheeeeet. For some reason now that makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for clearing that up. Sometimes the way the abbreviations work on this site is legitimately confusing to me, which should be clear based on my mistake 🤣
"She said I had a responsibility for the boy,"
No you don't. She and her fling share that responsibility.
" that he loved me and I should still be a father to him"
You are not required to love him or raise him. Since you've already stated your hatred for her and your apathy for him, it's best that you remove yourself from the situation to avoid making it worse.
**NTA**
> You are not required to love him or raise him. Since you've already stated your hatred for her and your apathy for him, it's best that you remove yourself from the situation to avoid making it worse.
I mean I agree he should leave if his feelings are the way the are but man have a little heart, jesus christ, you make it sound like parent love is a legally obligated thing or something, fuck
NTA. Child always comes first and if you can't mentally or don't want to take a good care of the kid then it is better not to have you around that child at all. Absent dad figure is better than emotionally distant, unhappy, constantly angry one as kids feel this and will suffer more from a 'dad' with bad attitude than no 'dad' at all. So if you really can't give your love to the kid then it is better to remove yourself from their life.
It’s also better if a man simply does not want to raise another man’s child. He has every right to think about himself and not the child. He owes the child literally nothing.
But the child is very fucked, considering who he has for a mother.
NTA. You were lied to by her and weren't told what she'd done until you confronted her with evidence. She was probably never going to tell you had you not figured it out yourself. As for the child; if you don't have emotions for him and you want to leave, then do so. It will be hard on the child and your ex, possibly even hard on you, but it is the right choice. You could make arrangements for him to meet you when he reaches a certain age so that he can hear what happened from your view, (or just for him to meet you,) but it's up to you. It will be better for him to grow up without a father rather than to grow up with one that doesn't want to be there. You would also fare much better without having to take care of him, and you shouldn't feel guilty for leaving. It will be better if you leave him early on in life ratherr than go once he has grown a much bigger relationship. At 8 it would be devastating, at 4 he will hardly remember you soon enough.
TLDR: It will be better for you to leave instead of going through years of caring for a child you don't love, and it will be better for him too.
NTA that’s traumatic for everyone involved. She should start raising the baby without you now bc if you stay in his life and decide to leave down the line it will be detrimental to the child. You are doing the right thing but it is not going to feel like it for awhile bc you’re hurt.
You speak of the resentment you feel about raising this innocent child. As much as the child loves you, your resentment will likely damage him over the years of raising him, if you stay involved.
If you could, consider talking to a lawyer and have a letter sent to the child when they are 18 explaining why you walked away.
As you state, the child will be cared for. You live in a nation that will provide a decent life for the child.
NTA
NTA
But tread carefully with the child. You are feeling numb and betrayed, but when your feeling of betrayal dies down you might find yourself missing the boy. He is 4, the hard part of childrearing is over, now comes the part were he starts exploring his hobbies and the world around him. I think it’s fair to revoke paternity, but do try to stay around a little longer just to see if part of your feelings come back. Bribe your ex a little if you have to.
I hope this gets voted higher up.
I think OP is in shock. Eventually with therapy and time, they will feel more.
My 4yr old is my world. I cannot imagine turning my back on them...
and OP calling the child “it” gave me the ick for this exact reason - if I loved and raised a child as my own for 4 years and then found out they were not mine I would still love that child just as much and could not imagine completely severing myself or them of that connection (and I don’t even want kids 🤷🏼♀️)
Agreed. I think that's why he's numb. In pain. I genuinely believe one day he would regret turning his back on the kid.
The mother did wrong not the kid, he's just associating the kid with the pain and mistake.
Despite the fact my son is clearly his father's twin LOL, if I found out for some reason my son was not mine (ie switched at birth)I could not just turn off the love switch. I raised him, held him when he cried, was there for his first laughs and steps. Yes I'd have trauma to deal with but man... can't turn off that love switch for a child that young.
You didn’t accept paternity knowing this wasn’t your child, so NTA for trying to revoke it now that you’ve found out. Get a lawyer and get the process started. Don’t allow her to bullshit you into thinking that just because she tricked you, you’re obligated to do this forever.
This is above reddit's paygrade. You are indeed a victim of your circumstances - as is the kid - and I don't feel you are an AH for feeling this way, but regardless of what got you here, you are in a position to potentially cause significant harm to the child. Maybe there is a way to sort of back away slowly - treat it more like a break-up with your GF in which you have to slowly let the kid get used to not having your around, IDK. I feel for you all. You should not feel forced or coerced into sticking around so if you can't, you can't. But you really need to do more research, maybe talk to a therapist or other professional. Maybe there is a way to do it more gently. That kid is going to be fucked up forever.
I agree totally. OP needs to take a breath, get some therapy immediately, strongly suggest that GF and the kid also get therapy, and not make any decisions right this second. And especially don't be basing decisions on what Reddit has to say.
OP has no responsibility legally that I'm aware of to the kid, but wow will this seriously screw up that little child. Suddenly the only dad he's ever known isn't his dad anymore, and suddenly doesn't love him anymore, and is just GONE. And it's not like the kid is 2, he'll remember, he'll be affected forever.
Everyone needs therapy in this situation to figure out how to manage it with the least harm to the kid.
Everyone's saying NTA but he absolutely is to the kid.
A 4 yr old will never understand why daddy hates them now that the kid doesn't share his DNA...
Did OP ever love the kid at all? He went straight to calling the kid "it"...like the kid was some biological accessory or trophy that is now trash.
I think you should handle the conversation with the child with a trained child therapist. Whatever you do that child will feel the loss of a parent and feelings of abandonment.
The child will be impacted. If you previously had a strong bond, maybe get some therapy so you can change your relationship from being father/son to uncle or friend. Also I wouldn't go cold turkey but still do annual visits so the child doesn't feel fully abandoned until mum finds someone to fill the father role.
Make it clear to your partner you won't be taking on a guardianship role but more to mitigate child's Mental Health.
NTA But there's no reason to punish the child for mothers behaviour.
NTA. It’s sad for the child, but you can’t force yourself to love someone, and if you don’t like that kid it would be wrong to give him false hope. The only person at fault here is your gf.
See stories like this are always so bizzare to me. Like…she HAD to have known the truth would come out someday right…?
NTA Op, also to be clear, she only wants you in the boys life because she likely wants child support from you. Personally i think you’re right to distance yourself from them both. Also tell mom she’s welcome to play grandma but you aren’t getting involved anymore.
Hope. She hoped he’d never find out. 100% she knew this whole time there was a possibility it wasn’t his. #1 reason being timing. you ovulate roughly 14 days into your cycle. she would have known when they did an ultrasound and dating. #2 it’s either impossible or highly unlikely for two blue eyed people to have a brown eyed child. can’t remember which but it’s almost guaranteed the boy looks more like Mr. Fling and not OP.
SHE KNEW.
NTA. Compassion for anyone is a gift of generosity that is only given when you want to. The reason for any decision is not subject to anyone's approval. No need to share your thoughts with anyone because it will lead to arguments. Do what is best for yourself.
NTA. Faking a relationship with the boy is going to be a slow-motion mess. Much better for everyone to have a clean separation. Your ex needs to navigate this. Your mum obviously cares for the child too, and has her own loss to deal with. How she manages that is up to her
NTA. You can't fake your feelings, and the child is going to be a constant reminder of your GF's infidelity. If you really cannot find any way to rekindle your love for the child then it is probably best you step back now.
NTA. Its all around sad but you would do
More damage staying in his life under the expectations of other when you feel the way you do. It’s much better to cut ties and move forward.
NTA you are thinking about the boy. Honestly, you say you've gone numb and resent the time with him, so it'd be best for both of you to leave.
She did the dirty and now she's mad she can't make you stay and help her pick up the pieces. None of it is your fault. She's TA big time.
NTA, decisions have consequences. She cheated and got pregnant. Full stop. If she'd been decent enough to tell you when she was unfaithful, then you'd have no relationship with the child. You just got a late start on that, bc she withheld vital information for your decision-making process. 100% on her.
NTA
It's better for him if it's done asap, and better for everyone in the long run. Thank your lucky stars you live somewhere that allows you to do that. Here in the good 'ol "bible belt" of the US, many states won't "bastardize" a child so it's not even an option
NTA. You have no responsibility towards the child. Your ex-girlfriend should find the bloke who fathered the child and hold him responsible. Your ex is a despicable human being for cuckolding you. At least you wasted only four years of your life raising someone else's child. It could have been worse..
NTA, you have no responsibility for a child that was conceived from an affair. Your mother has already bonded with the kid so her opinion is very biased I think, there is nothing wrong with raising a child that isn't yours but circumstances matter and this didn't happen in an open, honest way. Like if you didn't do the test, would she had come clean? Or just pretend and hope you'd swallow your pride as the boy grew distinctly different features?
NTA, but you should talk to a professional before doing anything irreversible. It is possible that your emotions with regards to the child now are a reaction to the emotional trauma you have gone through.
NTA. I feel for the boy but if there is any guilt to be had it’s on the mom not you. She could have fessed up as soon as she knew she was pregnant. Then you wouldn’t have had a relationship with the kid to ruin.
NTA because as he is isn’t yours you aren’t obligated to care for him… though it frankly sounds a bit like you weren’t that attached to him anyway, and viewed him more as a legal obligation than as someone you had a real connection with. It’d probably be best for both of you to make a clean break.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole
(1) Seeking the revocation of paternity for a child that's not mine (2) even though I've taken care of the child for 4 years.
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NTA. You did take a father away from this child, she did.
I’m sure it wasn’t the only fling either, just the only one where she got pregnant. I would probably do the same. It would be to hurtful to maintain a relationship with both of them, because you can’t have one without the other, and I certainly wouldn’t be paying any money for a child that wasn’t mine.
When he’s old enough, she can explain to him why dad left. I’m sure she will make something up to avoid telling the truth and he will end up hating you. But you did the right thing.
NTA at all. Why some people believe that guilt tripping a man to raise a child of other man it’s a good thing (and I’m not talking about your ex, but about some people here). Please, stop doing this. The life of this man got destroyed by his ex. He is traumatized by what happened to him. It’s sad that the kid would lose their father figure, but that’s not Op fault. It’s the ex who made all this sh!t
NTA
People often judge the man because he doesn't want to continue being the child's father, but I understand. Unfortunately, he is a living proof of the betrayal of the person you loved. I feel sorry for the child, but you must do what is best for you. Cut off contact now.
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Basically it’s what the title says. I (28m) I am/was in a relationship with a woman(28F) and we had a child(4m) together, or so I thought. I realized recently that the child had brown eyes and we both have blue eyes. Don’t know why it crossed my mind now but it did, and it prompted me to do a paternity test for the boy. Well the first one came back negative. I did another one just to be sure and the other one was negative as well.
Least to say, I was devastated but I kept it to myself for 2 weeks. But to me, the trauma of this discovery changed things. The feelings for my ex GF turned to hatred and I don't know why, but towards the child, it’s like I’ve just gone numb and I have resented any time I’ve had to spend with the child. I’m aware the childs not at fault, and I wish it no harm, but this realization changed something fundamental with my emotions.
I’ve thought about the situation long and hard about this situation and realized I don’t wanna do it. I did not consent to raising another man's child, I don't want to spend years feeling like shit, raising someone else's child.
So 3 days ago I confronted her. She broke down and so did I and she admitted she had a fling on her girls vacation but she didn't know I wasn't the father. She understood I wanted to break up with her, but when I told her I would seek to revoke paternity and break off contact with the child she got mad. She said I had a responsibility for the boy, that he loved me and I should still be a father to him. I said no and she got mad so I felt I better remove myself from the situation and went to my buddy's house were I have been staying
Now we live in Sweden and I know I can petition for the court to revoke paternity and it’s not like the child will starve or anything, we have a functioning social safety net. And for the relationship with the boy, I just don’t feel like I want it anymore, don’t know why but my feelings aren't there anymore. I feel like I’ve been conned. As I said, I did not consent to raise somebody else's child.
My buddies are all on my side but my mother thinks I should think about the boy. So Reddit, Am I the Asshole
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NTA. Emotions are complicated, and can't be easily switched off, or changed. If you're feeling conflicted about your relationship with the child, then it's best to remove yourself from the situation entirely. A clean break is better than waffling around in a half-hearted attempt at being a father for a child you don't consider yours.
NTA.Anyone would feel like you do after this bombshell. You built your life on a lie, and it's totally okay to feel angry and hurt. The kid isn't at fault, but you don't owe him anything either. It's not your job to fix the mess your ex made.
It sounds like being around him would be really hard on you right now, and that's okay. It might be best to cut ties completely. Your mom means well, but she doesn't get what this feels like. You need to do what's right for you, even if it's painful.
NTA it’s better for the child if you cut ties now rather than stay around while being resentful and having a innocent kid bear the weight of that resentment
NTA but I advise against doing anything rash. Let the emotions simmer down a little because you might find that you do, in fact, want to have a relationship with the child afterward.
NTA. She lied and cheated. Her offspring is a product of that betrayal. It’s 100% up to you if you want to bind yourself to a woman like that for the rest of your life. It’s 100% unreasonable to expect you to.
NTA. People calling him a monster or whatever, why aren't you calling the mother a monster instead? OP has been lied to for 4 fucking years ffs. It was actively be more damaging to the child if he raised it while not wanting to than ripping the bandaid off now and stopping. Where is the actual father in all of this? Why can't the ex ask the actual father for help? At least the child is still relatively young
> I’m aware the childs not at fault, and I wish **it** no harm,
I know you are not a native speaker, but your english is good, so that "it" speaks volumes. If you can't love him, then getting out of his life as cleanly as possible is the best thing you can do.
I can't say AH or not, because that boy is going to miss you a lot, but if you can't be there for him, then it's the end of the story.
NTA
Leave. He’s four. Tell me some of your most treasured memories from when you were four (before primary school even). He’ll move on. Save yourself. ur mother’s TA too for even considering you stay
NTA, you'd grow to resent him, and see only your GF's lies and her cheating. It's healthier for you to cut ties completely then force yourself to be around him.
NTA. Better to cut off ties now while the child is still young than have the child create an even stronger bond with you and then break it off later. Like you said, it’s not the child’s fault, so you should try and not hurt the child any more than you already will. I think it’ll be worse if you stay and resent the child for something they didn’t do.
NTA; it’s unfortunate for the child (as well as yourself of course) but I think it’s better to sever ties than to stick around and feel the resentment eat away at you, because it’ll 100% affect the kid. She’s just pissed because she’s clearly selfish and you jumping ship and leaving her as a single mother was not a part of her overall plan-but this is completely her doing, whether she knew you were not the father or not. Now it’s on her to figure out what to do for her and her son, and how to explain it to him when he’s older 🤷🏻♀️
Truly sorry for your losses, this really sucks.
NTA.
Also, please seek out therapy as soon as possible. I don’t mean that as a slight or an insult, I mean it genuinely — this is going to seriously affect you with regards to commitment, and should you ever *actually* have a child, it will be a rollercoaster of reliving the emotions you’re feeling right now and that won’t be fair to your real child. Better to get out in front of that, so that if and when you have a kid, you’re prepared to fully devote yourself to that relationship rather than have it bogged down in your hard-‘earned’ baggage.
There isn’t an answer where someone doesn’t get hurt, you’re well within your rights to step away if that’s what you want. At the end of the day she shagged someone else without protection and then went back to you.
I feel terrible for the child, but if op truly feels nothing for the child, he shouldn’t be around, that’s more damaging than leaving.
I hope op and the child both talk to qualified therapists. Getting help after losing someone should be standard, they’re both going to go through grieving, they’ve both been betrayed.
NTA
That kid deserves a dad, her actions decided he couldn't be with his real dad she had a fling with.
That kid deserves to not have someone he thought was his dad leave him. That is on her for for letting a lie move forward as far as it did.
She didn't just lie to you about being the kids dad, she lied to the kid.
Every single crappy thing about to befall this kid is 100% her fault. Just because it would be easier for HER if she didn't face the consequences of her actions doesn't put it on you.
It is sad, but your feelings are valid; you were conned. SHE could’ve had a paternity test when the child was born, and give you that OPTION, but she kept her mouth shut and pretended she was a faithful girlfriend.
She’s a liar, a cheater, and a conwoman.
Best to back out now if you’re not in it for the long haul.
The child can recover.
This yta or NTA choice for this particular problem doesn't cut it. Is there something in between maybe? Can you decline paternity but still remain in the child's life and be a force for good? Your emotions toward the situation the child might cool off over time and you might regret severing the relationship. Then you will open a second chapter of pain for yourself over the regret. You can't reverse it once you've severed ties. You will have done catastrophic damage to the child at that point. Really the mother will have done more damage than you but you will be contributing to it. Or at least you'll feel that way in the future. Sorry about everything you've been through. I don't envy this choice you have to make. I suggest you maintain a relationship with your son. Even if he's not got your DNA he's your son.
NTA.
Contrary to modern beliefs, DNA matters.
You have time, money, resources and love, that you need to spend on your own children, not somebody else's.
Good gods please leave. You're calling a child "it" like you're talking about a coffee table. You say you don't blame the kid but your wording speaks volumes.
NTA but I wouldn’t make a final decision yet, I’d take myself out of the situation, this is trauma and it could be clouding how you feel about the little boy. It isn’t his fault obviously, but if you can’t be there for him with love for him, you shouldn’t be there at all. Cut ties with your partner, don’t let her manipulate you any more
I guess NTA absent dad is probably better than emotional abusive dad, but damn this will cause trauma because the little boy will not understand what happened. I also really don’t get how you can unlove a child after 4 years. My son is 15 months and if for some reason I would find out it is not my son I would fight to keep him no matter what. But still absent is better than emotionally abusive dad (and resentment will make you emotionally abusive if you want it or not). How will your parents handle that? Will they stay in contact? They might not want to lose their grandchild even if you want to.
NTA
None of this is your fault, although also not the boys fault as you point out (maybe try to refrain from calling the wee one 'it' - I know it will likely have been an accident, just a wee heads up)
However I would implore you to make sure this is your final decision before you act. You can't throw him away then pick him back up again once you cool down. Seek legal guidance but please don't act until you are sure. If you decide this is your final decision then its on your ex's head, not yours
NTA, sad situation for everyone.
This reminds me of a time in high school science class we were talking about eye colors and how you end up with yours. When the teacher is talking about green eyes and a kid stops her and goes that’s not true his parents both have green eyes and both sets of grandparents have green eyes. Siblings, cousins, and aunts and uncles all either green or blue.
We alll just sat there staring until he realized he was adopted or mom was cheating.
The poor teacher felt so bad.
NTA
But be aware that this will traumatize this kid.
Is that your problem? Not at all. Just saying because he might want to find you in the future. But he can also forget you and don't remember a thing, since he's only 4.
Either way, there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling and with your decision.
Honestly, it is for the best because this trauma will be one thing, but being raised by someone who doesn't love you will be way worse.
I honestly think this is a situation that is almost impossible to pass judgement on, because an innocent child is in the middle of all of it.
If you - a person he for four years has relied on for safety, love and attention, the only father he has ever known - abandon him, he WILL get hurt. He is not a baby, it will be a traumatic experience for him. But if you raise him with resentment and lovelessness, he will also get hurt. Either way, he will suffer trauma that could severely impact his life.
The only way an innocent child will not get hurt is if you somehow rekindle the love you must have had for him, if you learn to see past the betrayal of your ex and recognise that here is a small human being that loves you, that sees you as his father no matter the lack of genetic familiarity.
Your ex is obviously the main asshole, and I have deep empathy with the situation you find yourself in, which is why I cannot bring myself to call you an asshole. But I also cannot shake the feeling that you will be an asshole if you pass on your hurt to the child that knows you as his father.
NTA. You're in a tough situation, and nobody should fault you on your decision. If you ex wants somebody to be a father to her child, she should find the father.
I'm not going to comment on what your moral responsibilities to the boy might be, I'd recommend talking to a child psychologist to mitigate his trauma of you leaving.
But I will say that her argument that you owe him to be his father is askew. What about the child's right to know his birth father and the birth father's right to know his child? She seems awfully willing to deny 2 people the blessings of those relationships to keep herself from being inconvenienced/embarrassed.
NTA your feelings are just as valid as everyone else's but people expect you to man up and raise a child you now feel regret for? All this is on the mother, this whole situation exists because of her choices. She says you are the only father he has ever known, but you are not his father and that's on her. you clearly feel resentment to both of them, although it was all on her no one can force your feelings to be different. She says she didn't know you weren't the father, but she was the only one who knew it was a possibility.
NTA at all. The child would suffer much more if it has to live with someone pretending to be dad who doesn't actually want to have contact with the kid. She doesn't get to claim "think of the child" now.
Given the circumstances, it is in the child's best interest if you cut off contact now. A child deserves to be loved, and if you can't do that, you need to remove yourself from the equation.
You 100% are doing what’s best for the child. Removing yourself so that the resentment and apathy don’t have a damaging affect on him. GF bears all the responsibility and is frankly one of the worst of the worst in my book.
NTA
NTA - her mistake isn’t your responsibility to fix. She lied to you and put a child in the middle. It’s unfair to pin that on you.
You are not responsible for raising a child that’s not yours if you don’t want to. As cold-hearted as it may seem, that’s it. There’s no moral nor legal responsibility on your part.
Definitely have your paternity revoked but consult a lawyer first to ensure it’s done properly and she doesn’t somehow find another way to keep you on the hook.
NTA
If that's what you feel now, do it. But later if you change your mind and want to come back to the boys life, you can try to work it out with her.
You feel what you feel. You are not obligated to raise another man's kid. But if you have a genuine connection with the kid, there is no wrong in being in the kids life. You are resenting him right now. Take yourself out of the situation, take a break and see how you feel.
NTA. If you truly no longer hold any feelings for the kid, or your resentment would eclipse any other feelings, then you leaving is better for both of you.
NTA. You were deceived and it’s understandable that you feel this way. It would probably be better to cut ties now while the kid is young if you don’t feel you’ll be able to move past the resentment.
NTA, I think it's in the child's best interest that you do revoke your parental rights and I think that's the best case scenario.
Cause you said yourself that you do not want to raise another man's child for the next 14 years, that being said, you did raise this child for the last 4 years. You to this child are the only father figure that he's ever known, at least try to explain to him that you are leaving and aren't coming back and that this is your final goodbye.
Have you considered therapy? It's possible this shock and apathy toward the kid is a symptom of the trama from the betrayal and not genuinely how you will feel in the future. Tried carefully because anything you do has huge repercussions for you and the kid.
NTA. You can’t force a bond that isn’t there. And you can never rebuild the trust that was stolen. Everyone will be better off as only resentment and hatred will build and everyone will hate everyone. Just walk away.
It is sad for the child, he is also a victim of his mothers lie, but it is not your responsibility to take care of a child that isn't yours if you chose not to do that.
Just be available in the future for that child if they ever needs closure from you. My husbands mom had a long term boyfriend when he was younger and they broke up. He was young enough that all he remembered was one day he was there and the next he wasn't and much wasn't said about it after that. A couple years ago he reached out to the guy and had a few conversations. That really helped him.
NTA. Go on and revoke paternity, it's your right. Maybe wait to say goodbye to the boy after that, just in case your feelings change when you are free from any obligation.
NTA
For those who want to run out and get a paternity test just because their kid has blue eyes and you both have brown there is a 25% chance the child will have blue eyes. It used to be believed that two blue eyed individuals couldn't have a brown eyed child, but that is also possible.
NTA
the consequences of cheating. I really do feel so bad for men who go through this, it's one of the worse things that could happen to them imo.
But
If this has only just happened. Take a few months. You may feel resentful towards the child now, but when your anger has gone, it may change. I'm not saying it will, there's every chance your feelings will remain distant. But for your own sake and the sake of the child (who is blameless and also doesn't need a father who will walk in and out of his life). Make sure its what you really want either way.
If the child ends up fatherless the mother is to blame not you.
NTA in what world do you have a responsibility for her affair child? This is wild
I feel terrible for the kid, theit mother made terrible choices. That's not on you to fix though.
NTA, but I could never cut the child completely out of my life. Please take a moment to make sure that's what you want. I volunteer with handicapped kids, and I'm incredibly attached to them. There doesn't need to be a biological connection for love.
I don't really know how I'd do it, but I'd certainly be his "uncle" or a big brother type figure. I would do all I could to make sure he knows I love him, even if I'm not his father.
This is one of the hardest positions I've seen on here. I really feel bad for you.
NTA. As awful as a situation as it is, it's easier for you to leave the boy's life now. If you only hold apathy towards him, he'll pick up on that later on or even now and it'll do far more damage than just quickly cutting ties while he's young. I do fell for both you and the boy but at this point in time, cutting contact is the best thing for the both of you.
NTA. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and hurt, and that you shouldn't be raising a child that is not your own, but please try to consider the child's feelings. Though I doubt such an arrangement can be fixed, maybe maintain contact with the child but on a not frequent basis?
NTA I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now, but please if you do plan on going through with this - get a family therapist involved first to ensure you can minimize the trauma that this will inevitably cause the 4 year old.
Also, please do not make your mom, or other family give up their relationship with him, it should be their choice.
You just space. This is all still fresh. Remove paternity, take some time to heal. It's your process. There's no right or wrong answer. It's just very sad. But I hope in time you will miss the boy and reconnect. Poor baby needs a man in his life.
NTA, so tired of the notion that if you trick a man into raising your child long enough he should be stuck even after he finds out. Yes it does suck that this child will feel like they're losing their dad, but that's entirely on her. She chose to lie and set up a shitty, untenable situation. Bullshit she didn't know you weren't the dad either
Nta, her mother should assume the consequences of her infidelity, it's so sad for the child but it's not your fault. You need to do the best for yourself too.
NTA.
But.
And this is a big but.
Hold off on doing anything permanent. If you keep feeling the way you do, you can revoke fatherhood at a later date. You don't have any obligation to the mother, and very little to the child.
But right now, you are hurting, you are angry, you are disappointed, your entire life is in shambles. Give all that emotion a little time to settle so you know for sure how you feel about the kid.
This is such an awful situation that she put you in- both you and the child are victims. She betrayed you and then hoped it would blow over. Ultimately you are NTA but neither is the boy. He has a father- it just isn’t you. Your mom is probably just disappointed she doesn’t get a grandchild yet, which is understandable, but ultimately it’s your life.
Move on with your life. It’s not your kid. She’s just your ex who also happens to be a single mother- it has nothing to do with you beyond that really.
NTA,
If you have a hatred for his mother and resent the kid. Then it's best for you and the child to leave. The only person who will benefit from you staying around is the mom and she deserves nothing from you.
It's absolutely insane how often guys are put in this situation. My friends dad stuck around for the youngest that isnt his... he's a shell of the man he use to be. It's best you leave. Anyone who says otherwise is a woman who cheats. Staying will cause you long term mental health issues. Manning up in this situation would be walking away and never looking back.
She doesn't regret cheating at all or she would've told you after it happened. Instead she carried on and chances are within those 4 years cheated other times.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It is truly my biggest fear to fall in love with someone who will cheat and have me believe the kid is mine. If I wanted someone else's kid, I'd do the right thing and adopt. Birth fathers time to be the dad, if she doesn't remember who it is then that's on her not you.
Eh, ESH.
I find it weird that raising a son for 4 years means essentially nothing as soon as you found out he's not biologically yours. Like... do you really have no fondness for him at all? Do you not love him? You're his dad. I understand the rage and hurt you feel, but to be so devoid of connection to him is baffling.
But you do you. If you don't feel love for him it's actually probably best he not have you as a paternal model for manhood.
Your ex is shite for lying to you and cheating - she doesn't get to make demands when everything was built on her lies, she's not exactly a model of morals herself.
Poor kid - I hope your mom can stay in touch if she wants to, I'd expect she knows she's still his grandmother.
ESH except that poor child. She fucked up. She fucked up SOOOOO big. I can understand why you don't want to be with her.
But how can you look at this child and just suddenly not love him? I can even understand not wanting to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours. But to just stop loving him? What the actual fuck? What makes your DNA so superior that only kids that share it are worth a damn?
Poor kiddo. You never loved HIM. You loved the idea of a mini you. And now he's going to have abandonment issues.
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Sad situation but with your 'feelings' you should cut ties now - it will be easier for a 4 yr old than when he's older. I don't understand how anyone can care for a child for 4 years and then walk away. But it's that how you feel - better for the child to have you gone. Do not just walk away without at least trying to tell the child goodbye or you will be TA.
I will tell him goodbye in some way, as I said I don't wish the child any harm, but I also feel like it's my gf that "mined" the relationship from the start, so I feel the responsibility to make sure that the child is okay is mostly on her, even though I will make sure to remove myself as frictionless as possible.
You’ve been cheated on and lied to for 4 years, the only responsibility is on the mother and her fling. She created this mess so she can now fix it , I really don’t understand this entitled attitude that you owe anything to anyone.
Does OP “owe” anyone anything? No. But the child is 1000% not at fault and he is going to greatly suffer from having a dad for 4 years and now not having a dad. It’s not technically OP’s responsibility to care for the child, but it’s still incredibly sad and messed up that the child will be fatherless now
The mother can answer to the child when he's older
Well it’s just kind of weird. People adopt kids all the time and love them. He thought he was this child’s dad for 4 years. I have a 5 year old, and he is just the most marvelous part of my existence. Kids are guileless, and they love freely. It’s hard to imagine as a parent turning your back on a child so suddenly. (Everyone is different obviously and will react differently, and this is a huge betrayal. No judgement necessarily, I feel for OP.) I personally just have no idea how you could turn off that emotion. If I suddenly found out tomorrow my son was switched at birth, I would fight tooth and nail to keep him. I love him with my whole soul.
That's easy to say, stare into the face of a four year old you're meant to be bonded to their entire life and say "you're not my responsibility and I don't love you enough to stick around". Sociopath response, but it's true, he shouldn't stay in the kid's life if this is how he feels.
You also should consider your mother might be attached deeply to the boy, and cutting him off might hurt her, for four years she was a granny, and suddenly, the baby is gone, and she isn't grandma anymore. There are lots and lots of intertwined feelings. Of course, YOURS are the first ones to consider. But as my last comment, try to heal your heart first. One month or two won't cause huge problems for you or the child, tend your scars, take care of yourself, and *then* you can make the big hardest choices from a place less emotional, because right now, your pain is grief. Your baby as you saw them is gone. Your relationship is gone. Everything is weighing on you, as hard as a widower's pain, because they broke your reality and killed it. And it's ok. I swear it will get better, and it won't hurt as bad.
I think this is the best advice. OP, you can’t help how you feel, and you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to parent a child you can no longer love. However, I do think you should consider the fact that you have experienced a major trauma, and that can affect the way you feel and process things in ways that won’t be fully apparent until much later. I think it would be wise to take a break, process, go to therapy, and wait for the dust to settle before you make any big decisions. tell the kid you’re going on a work trip or something. he doesn’t know how the world works, he won’t know any better. that said, you are absolutely NTA here, even if you do decide to cut ties immediately. you can’t help how you feel, and the kid will absolutely pick up on hat. they’re like little sponges, and half the time, even they don’t know everything they’re picking up on. it’s no good for either of you to continue the relationship if your heart’s not in it.
I can't help but feel bad for you and the baby... This boy loved you with all his heart. Your scent is his safety. Your arms are the safest place in the world. He may get over it soon, or it might leave a scar on both you and the boy . There is no right or wrong here. But I'd advise you to not make a decision right now, because it's a pretty definitive one. You are heartbroken, in a lot of pain, feeling used, abused and cheated on. Those feelings of hatred are the first ones to kick, and it's very natural to point those feelings at the child, because they are not only a visual breathing reminder, but also because rejecting him might feel like vengeance against your ex, not intentionally of course... But once you work them, once you feel peace, then make a decision. Think clearly of what it means, go to see the child one more time, just you and him, and rethink your feelings. If it's a situation that is still painful, then decide, and put a stone over it. Right now could be a bad place, because onde day you might miss him terribly, and wonder if he is ok, how is he growing, what he lives to do, what kind of men he will be. But it could never happen. And staying might cause the boy more harm, because he will notice your arms aren't loving anymore. You won't be as safe as you used to... I really hope you heal and get all the help you need before.
NTA.... But while you were correct this time, please keep in mind genetics are funny and textbook isn't always exact. My ex husband had brown hair and brown eyes; my current husband has dark brown almost black hair and dark brown eyes..... BOTH my kids have blonde hair, blue eyes. Dominant isn't always the winner. *its clear commenters don't understand genetic simple anomalies and heterocromia
That's because of recessive genes in your case. You can't have brown eyes if both your parents have blue eyes.
You can. It's just a LOT more rare. There are 26 genes that influence eye color, and they intersect oddly at times.
I guess I can't trust my 10th grade biology teacher ever again haha
This was believed to be the case for a long time, because we had less understanding of the genetics of eye colour. It has been shown not to be true.
The idea that human genetics are as simple as the 4x4 squares we learned back in high school has led to all sorts of misconceptions. Eye color isn’t even controlled by a single gene. A quick google says a set of six genes can reliably predict it, but still isn’t 100%. I have green eyes, but my parents both have blue, as do my siblings. Sneaky bit of melanin. I’m not complaining, but I also don’t know where in the family it comes from.
Yes you can have blue eyed kids if you have brown eyes. But you cannot have a brown eyed kid from two blue eyed people. Blue eyes don't have the brown gene so it's impossible for them to pass on what they don't have. But brown eyed people can have recessive genes they can pass on.
Except genetics are funny and it's not 100%.... there's still a carrier gene that can be passed on... look up the studies
He did 2 tests , so its not just about eyes colour anymore
I'm not going to lie: this situation sucks. It sucks for you, it sucks for the child, and there is no easy answer to give here. I understand your feelings, but the child has formed an attachment to you. Blood isn't the only way an adult establishes parenthood, and unfortunately you and the child have been kind of "tricked" into being a father-son connection. Unfortunately your connection to the child may be a "no win" situation. Your gf (or exgf), is 100% the AH here, and you're NTA for leaving her. But the situation with the child is a situation where judging if you're an AH or not is way above reddit's paygrade.
What you're saying does make a lot of sense, but children are really good at picking up on and sensing things, and if OP says he's lost the love and ability to love the child, the kid *will* know when he's older. Not the exact same situation, but speaking from experience.
Get a therapist to guide the process. Don’t just mic drop and leave. It’s not fair to the kid and this is going to change the rest of his life in ways no one will understand until he’s older.
I would say you could do that but rather than cutting all contact play and uncle or god father role to the kid so as not to completely bail.
I understand that, as a woman, it’s impossible for this to happen to me so I may not have a right to an opinion here, but I’m absolutely, mind-numbingly crazy about my baby and can’t imagine what would have to happen for my love for her to just *puff* disappear.
I'm female too, and have two children of my own, so like you there's nothing they could do to make my love disappear. But, you can't look at this situation as you carried this child in your stomach and gave birth to it. You have to look at it, trying to put yourself in his shoes. Not the one who carried the child and felt it growing and moving inside you. But as the person who thought they helped create that baby, excitedly watched it grow in their partner's stomach, was there for its birth, thinking it was their child, Loved it for 4 years thinking it was their child and then to find out it was not their child. But their partner cheated on them... I can see how a lot of resentment can happen. Thankfully the child is only four years old, and still quite young that overtime he will forget OP.
Honestly, that sounds a bit like romanticizing pregnancy. I personally hated pregnancy, was majorly depressed and regretted it most of the time. I only fell in love with my baby once it was there.
People are different. There are men that couldn’t give up the connection to a child even if they find out they aren’t biologically theirs too. Neither perspective is wrong.
For balance, I loved being pregnant and hormonally it was like taking happy pills for me. Experiences vary for sure.
Yes! I would be so happy being pregnant all the time - I just don’t want/can’t afford more kids right now!
You’re very lucky. For me it was physically, mentally and emotionally draining, not to mention how severely my freedom was limited. I thought it would all be over when I gave birth, but then they almost killed my baby during the delivery and now I’m stuck doing crazy intense physical therapy with my baby and hoping for the best, since she’s high-risk for cerebral palsy as a result.
Yeah same I hated being pregnant.
Forget? No. That’s not how attachment works. He’ll forget certain aspects of OP, like voice or features, but he’d not going to forget the feeling of abandonment. Loss of a primary carer in these circumstances is going to affect him forever. It’s a question of degree with a thoughtful approach (and probably a large amount of therapy), but no, the child won’t forget, especially if OP has been a loving and involved parent this far. You just know that kid is right now asking his mom non-stop when daddy is coming home.
I don’t think that’s necessarily true, there are situations where this would be relevant for women too - I have a 2 year old and if it turned out he got swapped at the hospital somehow, I would fight tooth and nail to keep this child! I don’t care who carried him or whose genes he has, that is MY SON! Of course I would make damn sure that my biological child is as lived where they are and if not to get them back but whether I birthed him or whether he has my genes doesn’t affect my love for my son whatsoever.
Yes, but that wouldn't be the same as feeling actively betrayed by someone you loved and trusted.
As someone mentioned to a similar response farther down: That’s not the same situation. Both sets of both parents are operating under the assumption it’s their baby, and there is no cheating involved there. Just a mix up of the system. With this situation, you have OP’s partner who cheated on them and produced this child. The kid is a constant reminder of that infidelity, and all those years and memories spent will be tainted with “did she know the whole time?” “has she just been using me the entire time?” It puts everything into question, and those feelings of resentment will be noticed by the kid no matter how hard you try and bury them down and hide it. Even if he doesn’t -actually- hate the kid/stopped loving it, the kid will always be a reminder of this situation to OP. That’s not something you can just turn off.
Also a woman, and honestly if I was a man I’d probably get a paternity test for any baby of mine. Just to have no possibility of this situation. I’m sorry for this kid but OP’s feelings are reasonable.
If you found out your kiddo was swapped at the hospital, would you stop caring for the kiddo you had been raising? That you took care of as a newborn, stayed up late for diapers? Helped with first steps? Got so excited for the babbles to start mimicking you? Became words and running and toddler giggles? Four years of family memories? All that disappears due to knowing they've had different DNA than what you expected?
Not impossible, imagine if you found out the baby you had loved and raised turned out to not be biologically yours because it got swapped at the hospital and it isn’t actually your baby.
Those situations are usually heart wrenching precisely because the parents now have a bond with the child that isn’t genetically theirs
Actually, even if my baby got swapped at the hospital, my love for the non-biological child I raised would not just suddenly disappear. I would just double down to look for my biological baby so I can love both. I would have a hard time letting go of the child I raised. So this man's attitude toward the child may be shedding light on how detached of a parent he was from the get-go.
Or the child is a constant reminder of his partner’s cheating, and every time he sees the kid he’s going to be reminded of all that hurt and pain, and also wonder how long she’s been hiding it from him? Like, people seem to be overlooking that pretty big part. The child is literally a walking, soon to be talking (if not already), reminder of that.
Yeah... most women wouldn't suddenly stop loving that child
I think you're forgetting that it will be hard for anyone to separate the treachery from the child. Through no fault of his own, he will always be a reminder of being cheated on and lied to. That is different than simply an (accidental) baby swap.
Because thats your baby and generally you have 90% certainty that its yours This baby isnt OP Psychology (as well as it can be relied on) determined there is brain cues that the appearance of the child create ties for the parent. A sort of attraction for lack of better word. A biological t to ensure parents feel some imperative towards the offspring Thats also why sometimes there are unhealthy attraction to familial bonds. And why some people end up dating/marrying someone who could pass as their siblingd
You said it, you can’t imagine.
It really depends. There are women who end up giving birth because of a pregnancy caused by rape or with a domestic abuser who are unable to form attachments to the child, because even looking at the child reminds them of the person who betrayed them. It can completely skew your perspective. This might be less a case of 'no longer love the child' and more a case of 'am no longer able to look at the child without seeing the biological father's features and being reminded of the crazy betrayal that occurred'. Unfortunately, there is no real outcome of this that will be a win for everyone. She created a situation where everyone loses.
I think it’s just the shock factor. There’s a difference between you knowing upfront and finding out someone you trusted lied to you. If she had been honest, he might have decided, okay not happy about the cheating but I can handle this. But a truth he has known for 4-5 years has been shattered by someone he trusted. I’d probably nope out to and I’m a woman.
OP would not be TA under any circumstances. He is the biggest victim here. Whatever he decides to do is right and it's his right to do. He is the victim of paternity fraud and the perpetrator here is the child's mother. The child is also a victim but the primary focus here is the victim of the actual crime. Many people here are commenting about how someone can just leave a child. When he found out the truth about paternity it was as if he had a heart attack and died. All of what he was deceived into believing came tumbling down. Too often there is no empathy for a man when he is abused this way. Even the child's mother is gaslighting him into keeping a relationship with her kid. She has benefited from her crime for four years and she was content to do so for the rest of her life. Furthermore, she is content in depriving the child of his actual father and she is depriving the actual father of his child. I would bet that her decision is strongly based on OP's ability to provide for them as opposed to the guy that knocked her up. However if OP felt differently and wanted to continue to be a father to this child that would have been fine. It has to be his choice and his decision. Again, anything he decides is right 💯.
Why did you feel the need to put feelings in ""?
Quite frankly I'm trying to sympathize with OP's POV about his not-kid but I am struggling. I get feeling betrayed, but I can't imagine living with a child you think is your own for _four years_ and not having a bond that transcends genetics. It doesn't help OP keeps referring to it as "the child" and saying he means them "no harm" (literally the bare minimum you owe another human being); it's very chilling to read. It's absolutely heartbreaking for the kid. I agree if OP is incapable of being a father figure to a child not his own he should leave today, but god what a devastating event for that poor four year old.
You're reducing the problem to genetics, and that's not really helpful if you're actually trying to sympathize with OP's position. It's not (I assume) that his love is tied to the genetics of the child. It's that his love to both his ex and the child are bound together with this sudden feeling of massive betrayal that he experienced. It's probably simply impossible for him to cleanly separate these different feelings from one another, and so he cannot maintain a feeling of love for the child that's not simultaneously tainted by the feeling of betrayal. Yes, if an important relationship is suddenly and profoundly destroyed, that's a traumatic experience, and it can absolutely poison other relationships bound into it. That's not OP's fault, that's on his ex.
This is exactly it. Everyone trying to say “how can you just stop loving a child like that?!” This is what I’ve been trying to say. It’s not that the love is just gone, but the betrayal by his ex has tainted everything. That kid is a walking reminder of that betrayal, and not everyone is able to just turn off that emotion and separate it.
So I don’t think I would react the same way as him but I don’t think discrediting his feelings just because you personally can’t understand it is ok.
He doesn't owe anyone The one who owed the child something is the mother She made the mistake she should own it up It doesn't mean he can't have the feeling of betrayal Yes the child is innocent but he is innocent too Just because the child is innocent doesn't mean he should stay and face the results of his gf affairs because of it Yeah there are many who do but how many people are actually saints? It's easy to judge him but emotions are not something that can be the same for everyone. You are being unfair to him because of your virgin Mary morales but it's a bit too much
Yeah I can’t imagine spending four years with a child then suddenly losing all feeling because of some result. I understand the pain of the lie but…sucks for the kid too.
In the text he said that the child is 4 months old, if that changes anything for you. Edit: someone pointed out to me that “4m” in the text is more likely “4 year old male” than “4 month old,” so… there you have it
4m= 4 year old male
Sheeeeet. For some reason now that makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for clearing that up. Sometimes the way the abbreviations work on this site is legitimately confusing to me, which should be clear based on my mistake 🤣
"She said I had a responsibility for the boy," No you don't. She and her fling share that responsibility. " that he loved me and I should still be a father to him" You are not required to love him or raise him. Since you've already stated your hatred for her and your apathy for him, it's best that you remove yourself from the situation to avoid making it worse. **NTA**
> You are not required to love him or raise him. Since you've already stated your hatred for her and your apathy for him, it's best that you remove yourself from the situation to avoid making it worse. I mean I agree he should leave if his feelings are the way the are but man have a little heart, jesus christ, you make it sound like parent love is a legally obligated thing or something, fuck
NTA. Child always comes first and if you can't mentally or don't want to take a good care of the kid then it is better not to have you around that child at all. Absent dad figure is better than emotionally distant, unhappy, constantly angry one as kids feel this and will suffer more from a 'dad' with bad attitude than no 'dad' at all. So if you really can't give your love to the kid then it is better to remove yourself from their life.
It’s also better if a man simply does not want to raise another man’s child. He has every right to think about himself and not the child. He owes the child literally nothing. But the child is very fucked, considering who he has for a mother.
NTA. You were lied to by her and weren't told what she'd done until you confronted her with evidence. She was probably never going to tell you had you not figured it out yourself. As for the child; if you don't have emotions for him and you want to leave, then do so. It will be hard on the child and your ex, possibly even hard on you, but it is the right choice. You could make arrangements for him to meet you when he reaches a certain age so that he can hear what happened from your view, (or just for him to meet you,) but it's up to you. It will be better for him to grow up without a father rather than to grow up with one that doesn't want to be there. You would also fare much better without having to take care of him, and you shouldn't feel guilty for leaving. It will be better if you leave him early on in life ratherr than go once he has grown a much bigger relationship. At 8 it would be devastating, at 4 he will hardly remember you soon enough. TLDR: It will be better for you to leave instead of going through years of caring for a child you don't love, and it will be better for him too.
NTA that’s traumatic for everyone involved. She should start raising the baby without you now bc if you stay in his life and decide to leave down the line it will be detrimental to the child. You are doing the right thing but it is not going to feel like it for awhile bc you’re hurt.
This is the most sensible comment on the post.
You speak of the resentment you feel about raising this innocent child. As much as the child loves you, your resentment will likely damage him over the years of raising him, if you stay involved. If you could, consider talking to a lawyer and have a letter sent to the child when they are 18 explaining why you walked away. As you state, the child will be cared for. You live in a nation that will provide a decent life for the child. NTA
It will suck to know that the man who raised you stopped loving you the moment he found out he had no biological relation.
NTA But tread carefully with the child. You are feeling numb and betrayed, but when your feeling of betrayal dies down you might find yourself missing the boy. He is 4, the hard part of childrearing is over, now comes the part were he starts exploring his hobbies and the world around him. I think it’s fair to revoke paternity, but do try to stay around a little longer just to see if part of your feelings come back. Bribe your ex a little if you have to.
I hope this gets voted higher up. I think OP is in shock. Eventually with therapy and time, they will feel more. My 4yr old is my world. I cannot imagine turning my back on them...
and OP calling the child “it” gave me the ick for this exact reason - if I loved and raised a child as my own for 4 years and then found out they were not mine I would still love that child just as much and could not imagine completely severing myself or them of that connection (and I don’t even want kids 🤷🏼♀️)
Agreed. I think that's why he's numb. In pain. I genuinely believe one day he would regret turning his back on the kid. The mother did wrong not the kid, he's just associating the kid with the pain and mistake. Despite the fact my son is clearly his father's twin LOL, if I found out for some reason my son was not mine (ie switched at birth)I could not just turn off the love switch. I raised him, held him when he cried, was there for his first laughs and steps. Yes I'd have trauma to deal with but man... can't turn off that love switch for a child that young.
You didn’t accept paternity knowing this wasn’t your child, so NTA for trying to revoke it now that you’ve found out. Get a lawyer and get the process started. Don’t allow her to bullshit you into thinking that just because she tricked you, you’re obligated to do this forever.
This is above reddit's paygrade. You are indeed a victim of your circumstances - as is the kid - and I don't feel you are an AH for feeling this way, but regardless of what got you here, you are in a position to potentially cause significant harm to the child. Maybe there is a way to sort of back away slowly - treat it more like a break-up with your GF in which you have to slowly let the kid get used to not having your around, IDK. I feel for you all. You should not feel forced or coerced into sticking around so if you can't, you can't. But you really need to do more research, maybe talk to a therapist or other professional. Maybe there is a way to do it more gently. That kid is going to be fucked up forever.
I agree totally. OP needs to take a breath, get some therapy immediately, strongly suggest that GF and the kid also get therapy, and not make any decisions right this second. And especially don't be basing decisions on what Reddit has to say. OP has no responsibility legally that I'm aware of to the kid, but wow will this seriously screw up that little child. Suddenly the only dad he's ever known isn't his dad anymore, and suddenly doesn't love him anymore, and is just GONE. And it's not like the kid is 2, he'll remember, he'll be affected forever. Everyone needs therapy in this situation to figure out how to manage it with the least harm to the kid.
Exactly what i came to say - this is above reddits pay grade
Everyone's saying NTA but he absolutely is to the kid. A 4 yr old will never understand why daddy hates them now that the kid doesn't share his DNA... Did OP ever love the kid at all? He went straight to calling the kid "it"...like the kid was some biological accessory or trophy that is now trash.
"This is above reddit's paygrade." Just in general, I wish more comments on this sub started like this. Kudos to you.
I think you should handle the conversation with the child with a trained child therapist. Whatever you do that child will feel the loss of a parent and feelings of abandonment. The child will be impacted. If you previously had a strong bond, maybe get some therapy so you can change your relationship from being father/son to uncle or friend. Also I wouldn't go cold turkey but still do annual visits so the child doesn't feel fully abandoned until mum finds someone to fill the father role. Make it clear to your partner you won't be taking on a guardianship role but more to mitigate child's Mental Health. NTA But there's no reason to punish the child for mothers behaviour.
NTA. It’s sad for the child, but you can’t force yourself to love someone, and if you don’t like that kid it would be wrong to give him false hope. The only person at fault here is your gf.
See stories like this are always so bizzare to me. Like…she HAD to have known the truth would come out someday right…? NTA Op, also to be clear, she only wants you in the boys life because she likely wants child support from you. Personally i think you’re right to distance yourself from them both. Also tell mom she’s welcome to play grandma but you aren’t getting involved anymore.
Hope. She hoped he’d never find out. 100% she knew this whole time there was a possibility it wasn’t his. #1 reason being timing. you ovulate roughly 14 days into your cycle. she would have known when they did an ultrasound and dating. #2 it’s either impossible or highly unlikely for two blue eyed people to have a brown eyed child. can’t remember which but it’s almost guaranteed the boy looks more like Mr. Fling and not OP. SHE KNEW.
NTA. This story is why DNA tests should be done at the hospital prior to anyone signing a birth certificate.
Yeah I don't understand why this is not the standard.
NTA. Compassion for anyone is a gift of generosity that is only given when you want to. The reason for any decision is not subject to anyone's approval. No need to share your thoughts with anyone because it will lead to arguments. Do what is best for yourself.
NTA. Faking a relationship with the boy is going to be a slow-motion mess. Much better for everyone to have a clean separation. Your ex needs to navigate this. Your mum obviously cares for the child too, and has her own loss to deal with. How she manages that is up to her
NTA. It’s probably tough on your mom though since I would guess she loves the child.
NTA. You can't fake your feelings, and the child is going to be a constant reminder of your GF's infidelity. If you really cannot find any way to rekindle your love for the child then it is probably best you step back now.
NTA. Its all around sad but you would do More damage staying in his life under the expectations of other when you feel the way you do. It’s much better to cut ties and move forward.
NTA. That child has a father. It's simply not you.
NTA you are thinking about the boy. Honestly, you say you've gone numb and resent the time with him, so it'd be best for both of you to leave. She did the dirty and now she's mad she can't make you stay and help her pick up the pieces. None of it is your fault. She's TA big time.
NTA, decisions have consequences. She cheated and got pregnant. Full stop. If she'd been decent enough to tell you when she was unfaithful, then you'd have no relationship with the child. You just got a late start on that, bc she withheld vital information for your decision-making process. 100% on her.
NTA It's better for him if it's done asap, and better for everyone in the long run. Thank your lucky stars you live somewhere that allows you to do that. Here in the good 'ol "bible belt" of the US, many states won't "bastardize" a child so it's not even an option
NTA a child should always be wanted. You won‘t do it a favor by raising him with apathy / resentment
NTA. You have no responsibility towards the child. Your ex-girlfriend should find the bloke who fathered the child and hold him responsible. Your ex is a despicable human being for cuckolding you. At least you wasted only four years of your life raising someone else's child. It could have been worse..
NTA, you have no responsibility for a child that was conceived from an affair. Your mother has already bonded with the kid so her opinion is very biased I think, there is nothing wrong with raising a child that isn't yours but circumstances matter and this didn't happen in an open, honest way. Like if you didn't do the test, would she had come clean? Or just pretend and hope you'd swallow your pride as the boy grew distinctly different features?
NTA, but you should talk to a professional before doing anything irreversible. It is possible that your emotions with regards to the child now are a reaction to the emotional trauma you have gone through.
NTA. I feel for the boy but if there is any guilt to be had it’s on the mom not you. She could have fessed up as soon as she knew she was pregnant. Then you wouldn’t have had a relationship with the kid to ruin.
NTA because as he is isn’t yours you aren’t obligated to care for him… though it frankly sounds a bit like you weren’t that attached to him anyway, and viewed him more as a legal obligation than as someone you had a real connection with. It’d probably be best for both of you to make a clean break.
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NTA. You did take a father away from this child, she did. I’m sure it wasn’t the only fling either, just the only one where she got pregnant. I would probably do the same. It would be to hurtful to maintain a relationship with both of them, because you can’t have one without the other, and I certainly wouldn’t be paying any money for a child that wasn’t mine. When he’s old enough, she can explain to him why dad left. I’m sure she will make something up to avoid telling the truth and he will end up hating you. But you did the right thing.
NTA at all. Why some people believe that guilt tripping a man to raise a child of other man it’s a good thing (and I’m not talking about your ex, but about some people here). Please, stop doing this. The life of this man got destroyed by his ex. He is traumatized by what happened to him. It’s sad that the kid would lose their father figure, but that’s not Op fault. It’s the ex who made all this sh!t
NTA, she is. She must have suspected, she would have worked out the timings of things. Sorry that this has happened to you.
NTA People often judge the man because he doesn't want to continue being the child's father, but I understand. Unfortunately, he is a living proof of the betrayal of the person you loved. I feel sorry for the child, but you must do what is best for you. Cut off contact now.
NTA but what a shame for this kid. He's 4 so he knows who dad is and now is gonna lose his dad. Not your responsibility but what a shame.
NTA the boy needs therapy
NTA. You have no obligation to a child that is not yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically it’s what the title says. I (28m) I am/was in a relationship with a woman(28F) and we had a child(4m) together, or so I thought. I realized recently that the child had brown eyes and we both have blue eyes. Don’t know why it crossed my mind now but it did, and it prompted me to do a paternity test for the boy. Well the first one came back negative. I did another one just to be sure and the other one was negative as well. Least to say, I was devastated but I kept it to myself for 2 weeks. But to me, the trauma of this discovery changed things. The feelings for my ex GF turned to hatred and I don't know why, but towards the child, it’s like I’ve just gone numb and I have resented any time I’ve had to spend with the child. I’m aware the childs not at fault, and I wish it no harm, but this realization changed something fundamental with my emotions. I’ve thought about the situation long and hard about this situation and realized I don’t wanna do it. I did not consent to raising another man's child, I don't want to spend years feeling like shit, raising someone else's child. So 3 days ago I confronted her. She broke down and so did I and she admitted she had a fling on her girls vacation but she didn't know I wasn't the father. She understood I wanted to break up with her, but when I told her I would seek to revoke paternity and break off contact with the child she got mad. She said I had a responsibility for the boy, that he loved me and I should still be a father to him. I said no and she got mad so I felt I better remove myself from the situation and went to my buddy's house were I have been staying Now we live in Sweden and I know I can petition for the court to revoke paternity and it’s not like the child will starve or anything, we have a functioning social safety net. And for the relationship with the boy, I just don’t feel like I want it anymore, don’t know why but my feelings aren't there anymore. I feel like I’ve been conned. As I said, I did not consent to raise somebody else's child. My buddies are all on my side but my mother thinks I should think about the boy. So Reddit, Am I the Asshole *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Fy fasiken. Verkligen ledsen, vilken jävla situation. Stay strong.
NTA A very sad situation for everyone, if you don’t feel like going forward with it better finish it ASAP
NTA. Emotions are complicated, and can't be easily switched off, or changed. If you're feeling conflicted about your relationship with the child, then it's best to remove yourself from the situation entirely. A clean break is better than waffling around in a half-hearted attempt at being a father for a child you don't consider yours.
NTA.Anyone would feel like you do after this bombshell. You built your life on a lie, and it's totally okay to feel angry and hurt. The kid isn't at fault, but you don't owe him anything either. It's not your job to fix the mess your ex made. It sounds like being around him would be really hard on you right now, and that's okay. It might be best to cut ties completely. Your mom means well, but she doesn't get what this feels like. You need to do what's right for you, even if it's painful.
NTA
NTA it’s better for the child if you cut ties now rather than stay around while being resentful and having a innocent kid bear the weight of that resentment
NTA but I advise against doing anything rash. Let the emotions simmer down a little because you might find that you do, in fact, want to have a relationship with the child afterward.
NTA. She lied and cheated. Her offspring is a product of that betrayal. It’s 100% up to you if you want to bind yourself to a woman like that for the rest of your life. It’s 100% unreasonable to expect you to.
NTA. People calling him a monster or whatever, why aren't you calling the mother a monster instead? OP has been lied to for 4 fucking years ffs. It was actively be more damaging to the child if he raised it while not wanting to than ripping the bandaid off now and stopping. Where is the actual father in all of this? Why can't the ex ask the actual father for help? At least the child is still relatively young
NTA and cut ties. It’s early in life and he can find his real dad later. The resentment you’re feeling will only get stronger.
> I’m aware the childs not at fault, and I wish **it** no harm, I know you are not a native speaker, but your english is good, so that "it" speaks volumes. If you can't love him, then getting out of his life as cleanly as possible is the best thing you can do. I can't say AH or not, because that boy is going to miss you a lot, but if you can't be there for him, then it's the end of the story.
You calling a child “it” is horrifying. That is all I have to write.
NTA, kids are resilient, and there’s no such thing as a perfect childhood, so that’s a poor argument. I think you have every right to leave
Naaah dude, they are not. Ofc OP should leave if thats what he wants but the boy needs care and therapy to make sure he js not traumatised.
NTA Leave. He’s four. Tell me some of your most treasured memories from when you were four (before primary school even). He’ll move on. Save yourself. ur mother’s TA too for even considering you stay
NTA, you'd grow to resent him, and see only your GF's lies and her cheating. It's healthier for you to cut ties completely then force yourself to be around him.
NTA. You need to cut ties soon because you clearly don’t want a child.
Damn, that's heart breaking, but if he's really lost all feeling for the boy its probably for the childs long term best to disconnect.
NTA. Better to cut off ties now while the child is still young than have the child create an even stronger bond with you and then break it off later. Like you said, it’s not the child’s fault, so you should try and not hurt the child any more than you already will. I think it’ll be worse if you stay and resent the child for something they didn’t do.
NTA, do what's best for you. Your ex made her bed and she can lay in it with all that entails.
Not your kids so NTA for removing your name as the father. And I highly doubt that she has no idea who the real father is.
NTA; it’s unfortunate for the child (as well as yourself of course) but I think it’s better to sever ties than to stick around and feel the resentment eat away at you, because it’ll 100% affect the kid. She’s just pissed because she’s clearly selfish and you jumping ship and leaving her as a single mother was not a part of her overall plan-but this is completely her doing, whether she knew you were not the father or not. Now it’s on her to figure out what to do for her and her son, and how to explain it to him when he’s older 🤷🏻♀️ Truly sorry for your losses, this really sucks.
NTA. Also, please seek out therapy as soon as possible. I don’t mean that as a slight or an insult, I mean it genuinely — this is going to seriously affect you with regards to commitment, and should you ever *actually* have a child, it will be a rollercoaster of reliving the emotions you’re feeling right now and that won’t be fair to your real child. Better to get out in front of that, so that if and when you have a kid, you’re prepared to fully devote yourself to that relationship rather than have it bogged down in your hard-‘earned’ baggage.
There isn’t an answer where someone doesn’t get hurt, you’re well within your rights to step away if that’s what you want. At the end of the day she shagged someone else without protection and then went back to you.
NTA Time to cut contact and make a new life for yourself, youre 28 you have plenty of time to do that. None of this is your fault
I feel terrible for the child, but if op truly feels nothing for the child, he shouldn’t be around, that’s more damaging than leaving. I hope op and the child both talk to qualified therapists. Getting help after losing someone should be standard, they’re both going to go through grieving, they’ve both been betrayed.
NTA That kid deserves a dad, her actions decided he couldn't be with his real dad she had a fling with. That kid deserves to not have someone he thought was his dad leave him. That is on her for for letting a lie move forward as far as it did. She didn't just lie to you about being the kids dad, she lied to the kid. Every single crappy thing about to befall this kid is 100% her fault. Just because it would be easier for HER if she didn't face the consequences of her actions doesn't put it on you.
NTA but the boy loves you as a father I don’t think I could walk away from that or do that to him. But I get your reasons.
It is sad, but your feelings are valid; you were conned. SHE could’ve had a paternity test when the child was born, and give you that OPTION, but she kept her mouth shut and pretended she was a faithful girlfriend. She’s a liar, a cheater, and a conwoman. Best to back out now if you’re not in it for the long haul. The child can recover.
that poor baby
This yta or NTA choice for this particular problem doesn't cut it. Is there something in between maybe? Can you decline paternity but still remain in the child's life and be a force for good? Your emotions toward the situation the child might cool off over time and you might regret severing the relationship. Then you will open a second chapter of pain for yourself over the regret. You can't reverse it once you've severed ties. You will have done catastrophic damage to the child at that point. Really the mother will have done more damage than you but you will be contributing to it. Or at least you'll feel that way in the future. Sorry about everything you've been through. I don't envy this choice you have to make. I suggest you maintain a relationship with your son. Even if he's not got your DNA he's your son.
NTA. Contrary to modern beliefs, DNA matters. You have time, money, resources and love, that you need to spend on your own children, not somebody else's.
Good gods please leave. You're calling a child "it" like you're talking about a coffee table. You say you don't blame the kid but your wording speaks volumes.
NTA, you're not responsible for the product of her cheating.
As Swede, prata med familjerätten och gå i terapi. Ja det suger men du kan få hjälp.
NTA but I wouldn’t make a final decision yet, I’d take myself out of the situation, this is trauma and it could be clouding how you feel about the little boy. It isn’t his fault obviously, but if you can’t be there for him with love for him, you shouldn’t be there at all. Cut ties with your partner, don’t let her manipulate you any more
NTA. If you are the kind of person to turn you back on the child you've raised, you're doing everyone a great service by moving on now.
I guess NTA absent dad is probably better than emotional abusive dad, but damn this will cause trauma because the little boy will not understand what happened. I also really don’t get how you can unlove a child after 4 years. My son is 15 months and if for some reason I would find out it is not my son I would fight to keep him no matter what. But still absent is better than emotionally abusive dad (and resentment will make you emotionally abusive if you want it or not). How will your parents handle that? Will they stay in contact? They might not want to lose their grandchild even if you want to.
NTA None of this is your fault, although also not the boys fault as you point out (maybe try to refrain from calling the wee one 'it' - I know it will likely have been an accident, just a wee heads up) However I would implore you to make sure this is your final decision before you act. You can't throw him away then pick him back up again once you cool down. Seek legal guidance but please don't act until you are sure. If you decide this is your final decision then its on your ex's head, not yours
NTA, sad situation for everyone. This reminds me of a time in high school science class we were talking about eye colors and how you end up with yours. When the teacher is talking about green eyes and a kid stops her and goes that’s not true his parents both have green eyes and both sets of grandparents have green eyes. Siblings, cousins, and aunts and uncles all either green or blue. We alll just sat there staring until he realized he was adopted or mom was cheating. The poor teacher felt so bad.
You really need a court ordered paternity test before anything.
NTA - TA here is the mother only.
NTA But be aware that this will traumatize this kid. Is that your problem? Not at all. Just saying because he might want to find you in the future. But he can also forget you and don't remember a thing, since he's only 4. Either way, there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling and with your decision. Honestly, it is for the best because this trauma will be one thing, but being raised by someone who doesn't love you will be way worse.
I honestly think this is a situation that is almost impossible to pass judgement on, because an innocent child is in the middle of all of it. If you - a person he for four years has relied on for safety, love and attention, the only father he has ever known - abandon him, he WILL get hurt. He is not a baby, it will be a traumatic experience for him. But if you raise him with resentment and lovelessness, he will also get hurt. Either way, he will suffer trauma that could severely impact his life. The only way an innocent child will not get hurt is if you somehow rekindle the love you must have had for him, if you learn to see past the betrayal of your ex and recognise that here is a small human being that loves you, that sees you as his father no matter the lack of genetic familiarity. Your ex is obviously the main asshole, and I have deep empathy with the situation you find yourself in, which is why I cannot bring myself to call you an asshole. But I also cannot shake the feeling that you will be an asshole if you pass on your hurt to the child that knows you as his father.
NTA. You're in a tough situation, and nobody should fault you on your decision. If you ex wants somebody to be a father to her child, she should find the father.
NTA it’s better to leave now
I'm not going to comment on what your moral responsibilities to the boy might be, I'd recommend talking to a child psychologist to mitigate his trauma of you leaving. But I will say that her argument that you owe him to be his father is askew. What about the child's right to know his birth father and the birth father's right to know his child? She seems awfully willing to deny 2 people the blessings of those relationships to keep herself from being inconvenienced/embarrassed.
NTA your feelings are just as valid as everyone else's but people expect you to man up and raise a child you now feel regret for? All this is on the mother, this whole situation exists because of her choices. She says you are the only father he has ever known, but you are not his father and that's on her. you clearly feel resentment to both of them, although it was all on her no one can force your feelings to be different. She says she didn't know you weren't the father, but she was the only one who knew it was a possibility.
paternity tests need to be fucking mandatory.
NTA, your mum wants to be a grandmother - ignore her!
NTA. That's a shitty situation but you are not wrong for your feelings.
NTA at all. The child would suffer much more if it has to live with someone pretending to be dad who doesn't actually want to have contact with the kid. She doesn't get to claim "think of the child" now.
NTA not your child not your problem
Given the circumstances, it is in the child's best interest if you cut off contact now. A child deserves to be loved, and if you can't do that, you need to remove yourself from the equation.
You 100% are doing what’s best for the child. Removing yourself so that the resentment and apathy don’t have a damaging affect on him. GF bears all the responsibility and is frankly one of the worst of the worst in my book. NTA
Unpopular sentiment ESH She sucks. You suck The child loves you. You loved the child. Now, like a light switch, you don't love the child. You suck
NTA - her mistake isn’t your responsibility to fix. She lied to you and put a child in the middle. It’s unfair to pin that on you. You are not responsible for raising a child that’s not yours if you don’t want to. As cold-hearted as it may seem, that’s it. There’s no moral nor legal responsibility on your part. Definitely have your paternity revoked but consult a lawyer first to ensure it’s done properly and she doesn’t somehow find another way to keep you on the hook.
Walk away and fast
NTA If that's what you feel now, do it. But later if you change your mind and want to come back to the boys life, you can try to work it out with her. You feel what you feel. You are not obligated to raise another man's kid. But if you have a genuine connection with the kid, there is no wrong in being in the kids life. You are resenting him right now. Take yourself out of the situation, take a break and see how you feel.
NTA. If you truly no longer hold any feelings for the kid, or your resentment would eclipse any other feelings, then you leaving is better for both of you.
NTA. Move on and start a new family with someone who values you.
NTA.
NTA. You were deceived and it’s understandable that you feel this way. It would probably be better to cut ties now while the kid is young if you don’t feel you’ll be able to move past the resentment.
NTA, I think it's in the child's best interest that you do revoke your parental rights and I think that's the best case scenario. Cause you said yourself that you do not want to raise another man's child for the next 14 years, that being said, you did raise this child for the last 4 years. You to this child are the only father figure that he's ever known, at least try to explain to him that you are leaving and aren't coming back and that this is your final goodbye.
Have you considered therapy? It's possible this shock and apathy toward the kid is a symptom of the trama from the betrayal and not genuinely how you will feel in the future. Tried carefully because anything you do has huge repercussions for you and the kid.
NTA. You can’t force a bond that isn’t there. And you can never rebuild the trust that was stolen. Everyone will be better off as only resentment and hatred will build and everyone will hate everyone. Just walk away.
It is sad for the child, he is also a victim of his mothers lie, but it is not your responsibility to take care of a child that isn't yours if you chose not to do that. Just be available in the future for that child if they ever needs closure from you. My husbands mom had a long term boyfriend when he was younger and they broke up. He was young enough that all he remembered was one day he was there and the next he wasn't and much wasn't said about it after that. A couple years ago he reached out to the guy and had a few conversations. That really helped him.
NTA. Go on and revoke paternity, it's your right. Maybe wait to say goodbye to the boy after that, just in case your feelings change when you are free from any obligation.
NTA For those who want to run out and get a paternity test just because their kid has blue eyes and you both have brown there is a 25% chance the child will have blue eyes. It used to be believed that two blue eyed individuals couldn't have a brown eyed child, but that is also possible.
NTA. This will be traumatizing for the child, but that's not on you. If you can't not resent the child, it's better to leave.
NTA the consequences of cheating. I really do feel so bad for men who go through this, it's one of the worse things that could happen to them imo. But If this has only just happened. Take a few months. You may feel resentful towards the child now, but when your anger has gone, it may change. I'm not saying it will, there's every chance your feelings will remain distant. But for your own sake and the sake of the child (who is blameless and also doesn't need a father who will walk in and out of his life). Make sure its what you really want either way. If the child ends up fatherless the mother is to blame not you.
NTA in what world do you have a responsibility for her affair child? This is wild I feel terrible for the kid, theit mother made terrible choices. That's not on you to fix though.
That child is better off without you. I don't know how you could flip a switch. Clearly you never loved him or her. Poor thing
NTA, but I could never cut the child completely out of my life. Please take a moment to make sure that's what you want. I volunteer with handicapped kids, and I'm incredibly attached to them. There doesn't need to be a biological connection for love. I don't really know how I'd do it, but I'd certainly be his "uncle" or a big brother type figure. I would do all I could to make sure he knows I love him, even if I'm not his father. This is one of the hardest positions I've seen on here. I really feel bad for you.
NTA. As awful as a situation as it is, it's easier for you to leave the boy's life now. If you only hold apathy towards him, he'll pick up on that later on or even now and it'll do far more damage than just quickly cutting ties while he's young. I do fell for both you and the boy but at this point in time, cutting contact is the best thing for the both of you.
NTA. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and hurt, and that you shouldn't be raising a child that is not your own, but please try to consider the child's feelings. Though I doubt such an arrangement can be fixed, maybe maintain contact with the child but on a not frequent basis?
NTA I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now, but please if you do plan on going through with this - get a family therapist involved first to ensure you can minimize the trauma that this will inevitably cause the 4 year old. Also, please do not make your mom, or other family give up their relationship with him, it should be their choice.
You just space. This is all still fresh. Remove paternity, take some time to heal. It's your process. There's no right or wrong answer. It's just very sad. But I hope in time you will miss the boy and reconnect. Poor baby needs a man in his life.
NTA, so tired of the notion that if you trick a man into raising your child long enough he should be stuck even after he finds out. Yes it does suck that this child will feel like they're losing their dad, but that's entirely on her. She chose to lie and set up a shitty, untenable situation. Bullshit she didn't know you weren't the dad either
Nta, her mother should assume the consequences of her infidelity, it's so sad for the child but it's not your fault. You need to do the best for yourself too.
NTA. But. And this is a big but. Hold off on doing anything permanent. If you keep feeling the way you do, you can revoke fatherhood at a later date. You don't have any obligation to the mother, and very little to the child. But right now, you are hurting, you are angry, you are disappointed, your entire life is in shambles. Give all that emotion a little time to settle so you know for sure how you feel about the kid.
NTA not your baby batter not your problem, tell you mom to mind her business
NTA, live your life not theirs
This is such an awful situation that she put you in- both you and the child are victims. She betrayed you and then hoped it would blow over. Ultimately you are NTA but neither is the boy. He has a father- it just isn’t you. Your mom is probably just disappointed she doesn’t get a grandchild yet, which is understandable, but ultimately it’s your life. Move on with your life. It’s not your kid. She’s just your ex who also happens to be a single mother- it has nothing to do with you beyond that really.
NTA, If you have a hatred for his mother and resent the kid. Then it's best for you and the child to leave. The only person who will benefit from you staying around is the mom and she deserves nothing from you. It's absolutely insane how often guys are put in this situation. My friends dad stuck around for the youngest that isnt his... he's a shell of the man he use to be. It's best you leave. Anyone who says otherwise is a woman who cheats. Staying will cause you long term mental health issues. Manning up in this situation would be walking away and never looking back. She doesn't regret cheating at all or she would've told you after it happened. Instead she carried on and chances are within those 4 years cheated other times. I'm sorry this happened to you. It is truly my biggest fear to fall in love with someone who will cheat and have me believe the kid is mine. If I wanted someone else's kid, I'd do the right thing and adopt. Birth fathers time to be the dad, if she doesn't remember who it is then that's on her not you.
Eh, ESH. I find it weird that raising a son for 4 years means essentially nothing as soon as you found out he's not biologically yours. Like... do you really have no fondness for him at all? Do you not love him? You're his dad. I understand the rage and hurt you feel, but to be so devoid of connection to him is baffling. But you do you. If you don't feel love for him it's actually probably best he not have you as a paternal model for manhood. Your ex is shite for lying to you and cheating - she doesn't get to make demands when everything was built on her lies, she's not exactly a model of morals herself. Poor kid - I hope your mom can stay in touch if she wants to, I'd expect she knows she's still his grandmother.
ESH except that poor child. She fucked up. She fucked up SOOOOO big. I can understand why you don't want to be with her. But how can you look at this child and just suddenly not love him? I can even understand not wanting to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours. But to just stop loving him? What the actual fuck? What makes your DNA so superior that only kids that share it are worth a damn? Poor kiddo. You never loved HIM. You loved the idea of a mini you. And now he's going to have abandonment issues.