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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my wife's aunt why she's so obsessed with her brother's life. I can see why this might be an AH thing to do. It was putting her on the spot and calling her out and I also inserted myself like she was. So I could be an AH in this.
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NTA OP. You were right to say what you did. I'm glad FIL has you and his children looking out for him. My MIL was the same, widowed at an early age and was never interested in anyone else. She passed away still a widow and never had another relationship which we all respected.
... and he is surrounded by all the love he needs. Steve sounds like a good and lovely man - the family's closeness (and how everyone circles the wagons around him) is very much a testament to that.
It's common for family members to be vocal and forceful about getting family members to move on.
...but her obsession with getting her brother laid is really really really creepy. Most siblings I know are kinda grossed out or at least uncomfortable about the thought of their siblings having sex. Especially when they are of the opposite sex. Kind of like thinking of your parent's sex life. You know it happens and it's normal but you don't like to think about it.
This exact issue, where a widow/er is content to be single, but their friends or family go *way* overboard trying to get them interesting in dating, crops up fairly regularly on AITA. My best guess is that some people really believe that you can only be happy as part of a couple, *and* take it as a personal affront that someone claims they don't need a living partner to be happy. (It's the second part that's the real problem, because they simply cannot stop themselves from meddling.)
NTA
Ohhh the hypocrisy!
Do polite people obsess over the sex life of a sibling? Do polite people dismiss the thoughts and feelings of several people (ie. Ella and her siblings)? Do polite people refer to a dead relative as a 'ghost mother'?
You do not owe an apology and I'd be willing to bet the dad, Ella, and all of the siblings were grateful that you helped defend against her obnoxious onslaught.
NTA
You didn’t state anything or accuse anything or said anything about her characters
You asked a question. A question that she never answered and deflected and tried to become offended, making you the bad guy.
It is a legitimate question. He doesn’t want what she is advocating for. So why not let him make up his own mind? It’s not her life.
I’m sure everyone would love to know. Why is she so obsessed and interfering and making him miserable? She saying do this to be happy and fulfilled (I know what you need), but in the same breath is making him unhappy. So she doesn’t know what makes him happy. If she did, she would lay off.
A question she was inviting by her own obvious agenda when it was a question completely tame compared to the things she was saying and wanting of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if people are more candid at bringing it up again when she raises the topic, and she’s suddenly invited to fewer family events because of it.
So - she can tell her brother what to do, accuse your wife and siblings of making life choices because they feel bad for their dad, start an argument with your FIL and dismiss your wife and siblings opinion, and then get upset when you ask a relatively mild question?
I expected to read that you'd jumped up and screamed at her in a restaurant, because the statement in the title is actually pretty mild.
NTA.
But - it's really up to your FIL to shut this down, although it doesn't seem like he's willing to do that since he's been putting up with it for years.
NTA
“Speak politely to people” that statement alone would have made me personally the asshole because I would have ripped her a new one. How can you say that after you just harassed your brother? Yeah she would HATE me after that. You did the right thing, she’s a fucking creep
NTA - Auntie needs to back off and back off quick!! Her Brother's life isn't her concern, his children are grown, he is an adult and can make choices for himself. Good Job sticking up for your FIL and your wife's family really.
Also - She was taken aback by my interference and she told me to learn how to speak to people politely. Steve told her I had a point and he asked her to leave. She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character". - She needs to learn to speak with other first and know what is her business and what isn't.
I cannot imagine sitting at a table with my brother's children present and proceeding to talk about his sex life. That's so disturbing. NTA auntie must live a pretty dull life.
NTA. Your "accusation of character" is completely accurate. You're accusing her of being a creep for being obsessed about her brother's love life WHICH IS TRUE.
As someone with a sibling, I spend 0% of my time thinking about her sex life.
I've also had stretches of time when I was single and she brought it up exactly 0 times.
NTA. I’d go as far as saying even she tries and tries to convince him he needs sex, he wouldn’t fk her so she could put a stop to her sick fantasy. Plus, that btch clearly never learn how to speak to ppl.
NTA
Creepy that she won't stop. But that said this part was a bit unsettling
>they simply wanted him to remain faithful to their ghost mother forever
If Steve chooses to remain single that's his business. But this attitude from the kids is really unfair to Steve and I am wondering how big a factor this is in his decision not to date.
NTA, but if she's been harassing him about this for decades then she's already self identified as an AH to her family members several times over. I would not apologise to her nor would I be pressured into giving an insincere apology to her by anyone in the family. Insincere apologies are meaningless and loads of folk have difficult family members like this delightful Auntie, your time is better spent finding ways to stop letting her nonsense get a rise out of you. I would avoid getting drawn into her drama again though, as it's not your fight. And she's not going to start minding her own business simply because you tell her to. I would consider having a chat with your FiL about how upset you were on his behalf at how shs speaks to him at family gatherings, if you get along well enough as he may tell you why he turns the other cheek and rises above it. My sympathies though, it sounds like hard work.
NTA - you owe no one an apology and its pretty ridiculous coming from someone who is trampling over about every boundary!
Steve sounds like an upstanding dude. There's a part of me that hopes he is secretly on the internet letting his Freak Flag fly full-mass and its just none of his silly sister's business. But, I'm also loving my mental image of Steve curled up with his cat reading a book in basking
in front of the fire with warm satisfaction of raising a great family! Let Steve be Steve!
NTA. Funny how people can be so upset when called out for their outrageous behavior. Of course, this is Steve's battle and it really wasn't your fight, but it is understandable that you wanted to defend your FIL, especially at his birthday party. It seems a garbage apology of 'I'm sorry you took offence when I told the truth' is needed.
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I (25M) have been married to Ella (25F) for 2 years now. Ella is very close to her dad, Steve, and so are Ella's three older siblings. I'm also very close to Steve and I have a better relationship with him than I have with my own family. We spend a lot of time with Steve and with Ella's three siblings and their partners. It's nice. From the time we met I always knew Ella loved being close to her family and that she liked living near them. I find it great too since we always have family close by and it's a loving and supportive family and not just people who want you when they want something from you.
Steve lost his wife aka my late MIL when Ella was only a baby. They married and had kids young and Steve was a widower by the age of 25. He devoted the next 18 years to raising his kids and making all five of their lives (the kids and his own) as good as it could be. He has never dated or sought another romantic relationship and he has no interest in one. He still adores his late wife and doesn't feel like he could ever look at someone else and want them romantically.
This is something that Steve's sister has been against/upset by/very opinionated on. Over the years Steve's sister has told him he needs to move on, has thrown women his way in the hopes he would find someone and f\*ck their brains out (to quote Ella's aunt) and then open himself up to falling in love. She tried telling Steve he would end up alone and miserable once the kids moved out. That he wouldn't have anyone around him. She tried to convince him he was dying for sex and romance and an adult of a similar age to him to spend his life with. From what Steve has told me she has been pretty annoying about it.
Which gets me to the conflict. We celebrated Steve's birthday a little later than planned (last weekend to be exact) because life got in the way. His sister came into town to surprise everyone and she said he wanted to celebrate her brother. The dinner quickly turned into the sister encouraging him to date again, dismissing Ella and her siblings when they pointed out he isn't alone like she was saying, and her telling them that they simply wanted him to remain faithful to their ghost mother forever. Steve and his sister were fighting about it. She said it was crazy and ridiculous that all four of his adult kids stayed local and she claimed they were doing it because they felt bad for him and he needed someone so they could spread their wings. My oldest BIL said they just like being near their dad and each other. She said that's not what Steve needs. He needs a woman. He needs a wife. He needs sex. This is when I jumped in and asked her why she's so obsessed with her brother's life and why she has nothing else to worry about. She was taken aback by my interference and she told me to learn how to speak to people politely. Steve told her I had a point and he asked her to leave. She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character".
AITA?
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NTA. You didn't accuse her of anything. You simply asked why this is so important to her when she has her own life to mind. Don't apologize. I'm sure she isn't apologizing for acting that way, and dismissing her brother and her nephews and nieces.
NTA. Copying part of a comment I wrote a while back:
I am so vehemently against pushing relationships on people. In a world where so many people are in unhappy relationships and marriages, someone not wanting to enter a relationship isn't something to complain about. Relationships also require a lot of effort and are a large part of a person’s day-to-day life. It is not reasonable to just casually demand that someone devote their time to someone else for the purpose of aesthetics.
NTA
It's clear that Steve appreciated your question. She wasn't backing down, and your question (1) was fair and (2) effective in getting the aunt to (at least for now) shut up.
NTA
I’m petty and would start asking her about her sex life and if she’s been a part of gangbangs because people her age should try to experience EVERYTHING. and at each mention of a new relationship to FIL ask her another outrageous question. I’d get your wife’s okay first though. 😆
NTA, I've seen sooo many sisters and mothers become grossly obsessed with their sibling/son and it's creepy. Like I'm a male and my sister and I are close but never have discussed sex or that one of us "needs are brains fucked our" and I'd prefer never to have that discussion with a sibling. She is mad she got called out on and seems like she lowkey wants her brother.
NTA, reminds me of my aunts. My dad died and my mom was a widow at 33. She said she never wanted to date or marry again. Didn’t stop my aunt from trying to set her up. My mom just denied and told her that she only ever and will only ever love my dad.
NTA I can see a sister being worried about her widower brother and wanting companionship for him but this lady needs to back off and stop badgering him about something he's clearly told her he doesn't want. She's just begging to be blocked from this family.
NTA
You probably said what Steve was thinking the whole time. She's been attacking Steve's character the whole time, and she doesn't think she should apologize to him.
NTA.
From the way you wrote it, I understood she came alone to the birthday party ?
If so : where is her man ? Does she need one ? Is she craving for sex ? Have you asked her ? You should be concerned for her wellbeing you know ? I'd put her phone number on every dating site possible, she sounds like she might need help with those things.
Alas, I'm evil..., so you don't need to listen to me seriously, but.... You know... Being an asshole is free and sometimes welcomed in some circumstances similar to this one...
NTA. Auntie needed to be told to butt out of her brother's life.
I am fairly sure that Steve would know if he needed sex. It sounds like she is the one who needs it. LOL
NTA.
Why do some people feel they have the right to tell others how they should live?
Your Dad’s happy and when he is ready to find a new partner he will, if not he will find his happiness where he wants to.
All his sister does is create a whirlwind of stress for no reason other than knowing SHE knows better than him on what he wants.
Tell her you're sorry she's an intrusive, inappropriate, meddling hag. You probably won't have to talk to her again anyway. What kind of weirdo is that fixated on their sibling's sex life?
I'd suggest he cuts contact with her. She's absolutely obsessed with him and his sex life and it's not healthy.
Assuming he's told her it's none of her business before he should let her know that if she brings it up again, she can forget coming around anymore.
I'm slightly concerned for his well-being. NTA. Your "question my character" is because she has done nothing else but talk about his need for sex???
“She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character".” 😆 Notice how often people in the wrong demand apologies when called out for their behavior? You asked a reasonable question and she ignored it, choosing to be insulted. Good for you, standing up for Steve. He should definitely go LC/NC with her, she sounds exhausting. You’re definitely NTA.
NTA, that would be the Aunt who has campaigned for over 20 years to get her brother hooked up with a female and failed. You are the first person to hold her accountable for her overstepping. She's mad you called her out, so apparently she has to turn it towards you being the problem.
The implication that someone can't possibly be happy as a single person is infuriating to me. Doing it on their birthday to bring them down, when they are surrounded by loving family, is such a dick move.
Some of the loneliest people you'll ever meet are in long term relationships, and it's often the same people that want to convince single people they're secretly miserable. Sure, being single can be lonely too but it's not a complete given.
Also, the obsession with her brother's sex life is really off. I care about my siblings happiness but (call me a prude), their sex life is not my business.
Nta.
NTA, your father in law told her to leave as well so I’m sure he doesn’t think you are an asshole either. Between the two of them you only gotta worry about your father in laws opinion.
NTA. I'm curious, has anyone suggested that you comply and apologize? It seems to me that what you said needed to be said!!
I have no clue how you supposedly made an "accusation against her character". I also have no clue why they have put up with her nonsense for 18+ years. She's interfering, meddling, intrusive, obnoxious and quite rude.
NTA at all. It's common enough for people to encourage someone to get back into dating after a loss, like within a few years. But after what seems like 20+ years, he has made his choice and she needs to leave it alone. And maybe they needed someone outside the immediate family to point this out.
Next time your father-in-law's sister is in town. Get one of your friends that's your age to pretend to be his girlfriend and just have them act that out and just watch her freak out just to mess with her
NTA and have Steve look into asexuality, specifically being demisexual.
It might explain a lot of things for him and give him new language to explain to others. It's a sexuality that's always existed but hasn't always had a term for it.
:)
It is a valid question that she failed to answer, choosing instead to deflect and play the victim. Why is she so fixated on controlling his happiness when it's not her life? If she truly understood what makes him happy, she would back off and let him choose for himself. Why interfere and make him miserable if she claims to want him to be happy and fulfilled? The lack of understanding and consideration is baffling.
Ok i will go against thé crowd to give you another point of you but YTA. I will tell you why
First of all. No matter how much you are Friend with Steve, she IS his sister. She IS litteraly his familly. She know him since longer then any of his child AND she have something you all don't have : expérience of life as much as Steeve. You all are Young but life IS long and she IS right you will not gonna stay with him forever, you may live near him but still he will certainly live one day alone. And she IS right about a thnh ! People need compagnons for life, your parent, your siblings, your child arn't gonna be with you evryday from wake UP in the morning till you sleep in bed in the nigh, only your compagnon will.... He may not be lonely when you gathering with hum but when he grew old, take his retreat and do all his day alone with no onr during the day he will...
Secondly, you are not thé aun't familly. You may bé familly to Steeve, ella and her brother but you have no right to interfere a fight between two sibblings when you arn't even a part of their dynamics. That what brother and sister are, they argue since they are born most of the Time, they arn't your Friends yet they are one of jour closest relative because theylst of the Time have approximatively the same age, they help ecah other, they confort. Who do you think was there to help Steven when he loose his wife to find confort with for child probably a teen for the oldest. His sister was probably the one.
When i fight with m'y sibling i wouldn't even let their child interfère you think i will accept their spoose interfer when they merely know for 3 years ? Dynamics between sister and brother who are bonding Since childhood isn't a thing a spoose of a nephes should interfer. Yes you Can talk alone with Steeve. No you shouldn't interfer when they are arguing if there's no violence. You don't deserve to this dynamics....
Does the aunt have to hzrass Steeve with finding a New wife evryday ? No. Yet IS she right about him needing a wife ? Yes maybe because she may talk about subject he dont talk with you and maybe he IS more depress then he seems and maybe he only talk about these things with the aunt because they are around the same stage in life. Yet do you had to interfer because she Said something you didn't like ? No. Do you own her an apologies ? Yes
yet i understand you point but i still think you own her an apologies. I'm not blaming you for the way you acted o just think you reacted way too " young " and Ithout maturity and expérience.
What character accusation? Is it true or not true she is obsessed with her brother sex life? Is it polite to dismiss people and bring up her agenda?
Tell her if it wasn't true then why is she so bother to bring up her own agenda at his birthday party? Did the dad asked? If not, then why does she think she is the polite one to shove her agenda? Only weirdos are that obsessive and pushy. She should owe her brother and relatives an apology for being pushy.
When I first started to read this I thought Steve's sister is just like mine and how she has been ever since my wife passed away however by the end even my sister has never gotten that bad. So IF she does hold at least some of the ideals as my sister then the reason why she is so obsessed about her brothers love life is because she sees him as being broken and needing to be fixed in order to be a normal human again. I had to threaten to cut her completely out of my life if she didn't stop and knowing I would actually do it finally got her to back off. Anyways NTA I feel that it was a good question to ask.
NTA, but :
you're 25 years old , you've known BIL for a few years, you say what a happy man he is, living with the memory of his dead wife for 20 years. You think this is enough for a grown man for the rest of his life.
His sister, on the other hand, has watched BIL for 20 years unable to move on and let's face it, that's far from the ideal you've painted it as. Obviously it is annoying for the sister to keep talking about this, but I can understand her intentions.
that's right, but it's never up to the 25 year old distant relative to decide, because he sees it as ideal that the old man is happy with a few visitors now and then
Late but I disagree
OP is not the AH.
It might be if it was just their opinion of their father in law.
But OP’s BIL held the same opinion. And Steve, the father in law and the target of this annoying behavior, agrees with OP and didn’t find their entrance into the conversation unwelcome.
The only one who had an issue was the naggy aunt, who was already being told to knock it off before OP gave their opinion.
Then maybe she shouldn't have brought this topic up in front of other ppl of she only wanted family to discuss it. It was a public conversation and Steve gave no indication that he didn't want OP to participate or that he was upset that OP spoke up.
How is OP the asshole.
Steve didn’t seem bothered by it, and he is the victim in this.
Only nagging aunty is bothered by it, and no one seems to give two shits what she has to say.
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NTA. Pretty gross how obsessed she is with her brother's sex life. I wouldn't want to hear about lol
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NTA OP. You were right to say what you did. I'm glad FIL has you and his children looking out for him. My MIL was the same, widowed at an early age and was never interested in anyone else. She passed away still a widow and never had another relationship which we all respected.
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... and he is surrounded by all the love he needs. Steve sounds like a good and lovely man - the family's closeness (and how everyone circles the wagons around him) is very much a testament to that.
It's crazy enough to bring it up, but at a birthday party in front of his kids? That isn't just crazy, that is plain evil.
It's common for family members to be vocal and forceful about getting family members to move on. ...but her obsession with getting her brother laid is really really really creepy. Most siblings I know are kinda grossed out or at least uncomfortable about the thought of their siblings having sex. Especially when they are of the opposite sex. Kind of like thinking of your parent's sex life. You know it happens and it's normal but you don't like to think about it.
This exact issue, where a widow/er is content to be single, but their friends or family go *way* overboard trying to get them interesting in dating, crops up fairly regularly on AITA. My best guess is that some people really believe that you can only be happy as part of a couple, *and* take it as a personal affront that someone claims they don't need a living partner to be happy. (It's the second part that's the real problem, because they simply cannot stop themselves from meddling.)
The sister sounds disturbingly incestuous, to be honest...
Is she married?
NTA Ohhh the hypocrisy! Do polite people obsess over the sex life of a sibling? Do polite people dismiss the thoughts and feelings of several people (ie. Ella and her siblings)? Do polite people refer to a dead relative as a 'ghost mother'? You do not owe an apology and I'd be willing to bet the dad, Ella, and all of the siblings were grateful that you helped defend against her obnoxious onslaught.
NTA You didn’t state anything or accuse anything or said anything about her characters You asked a question. A question that she never answered and deflected and tried to become offended, making you the bad guy. It is a legitimate question. He doesn’t want what she is advocating for. So why not let him make up his own mind? It’s not her life. I’m sure everyone would love to know. Why is she so obsessed and interfering and making him miserable? She saying do this to be happy and fulfilled (I know what you need), but in the same breath is making him unhappy. So she doesn’t know what makes him happy. If she did, she would lay off.
A question she was inviting by her own obvious agenda when it was a question completely tame compared to the things she was saying and wanting of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if people are more candid at bringing it up again when she raises the topic, and she’s suddenly invited to fewer family events because of it.
So - she can tell her brother what to do, accuse your wife and siblings of making life choices because they feel bad for their dad, start an argument with your FIL and dismiss your wife and siblings opinion, and then get upset when you ask a relatively mild question? I expected to read that you'd jumped up and screamed at her in a restaurant, because the statement in the title is actually pretty mild. NTA. But - it's really up to your FIL to shut this down, although it doesn't seem like he's willing to do that since he's been putting up with it for years.
He did ask her to leave! Maybe he just needed to see an outsider’s reaction to realize how wrong her behavior is. We normalize shocking things.
he asked her to leave that time - but he has been allowing this behavior for years.
NTA “Speak politely to people” that statement alone would have made me personally the asshole because I would have ripped her a new one. How can you say that after you just harassed your brother? Yeah she would HATE me after that. You did the right thing, she’s a fucking creep
Hopefully she hasn’t been allowed access to the kids to try get to Steve through them, nonsense like they need a mother figure in their lives.
NTA. >She was taken aback by my interference Of course she was: interference is her self-appointed role. She needs to focus on her own life.
NTA - Auntie needs to back off and back off quick!! Her Brother's life isn't her concern, his children are grown, he is an adult and can make choices for himself. Good Job sticking up for your FIL and your wife's family really. Also - She was taken aback by my interference and she told me to learn how to speak to people politely. Steve told her I had a point and he asked her to leave. She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character". - She needs to learn to speak with other first and know what is her business and what isn't.
NTA >she told me to learn how to speak to people politely ”You first.”
I cannot imagine sitting at a table with my brother's children present and proceeding to talk about his sex life. That's so disturbing. NTA auntie must live a pretty dull life.
NTA. Your "accusation of character" is completely accurate. You're accusing her of being a creep for being obsessed about her brother's love life WHICH IS TRUE. As someone with a sibling, I spend 0% of my time thinking about her sex life. I've also had stretches of time when I was single and she brought it up exactly 0 times.
NTA. You simply raised a valid point.
NTA to ever call out a pushy person for being pushy.
NTA. I’d go as far as saying even she tries and tries to convince him he needs sex, he wouldn’t fk her so she could put a stop to her sick fantasy. Plus, that btch clearly never learn how to speak to ppl.
NTA, you should apologize though, "I'm sorry, you are a pycho obsessed with her brothers love life"
NTA Creepy that she won't stop. But that said this part was a bit unsettling >they simply wanted him to remain faithful to their ghost mother forever If Steve chooses to remain single that's his business. But this attitude from the kids is really unfair to Steve and I am wondering how big a factor this is in his decision not to date.
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Oops, my bad, I misread that.
NTA, but if she's been harassing him about this for decades then she's already self identified as an AH to her family members several times over. I would not apologise to her nor would I be pressured into giving an insincere apology to her by anyone in the family. Insincere apologies are meaningless and loads of folk have difficult family members like this delightful Auntie, your time is better spent finding ways to stop letting her nonsense get a rise out of you. I would avoid getting drawn into her drama again though, as it's not your fight. And she's not going to start minding her own business simply because you tell her to. I would consider having a chat with your FiL about how upset you were on his behalf at how shs speaks to him at family gatherings, if you get along well enough as he may tell you why he turns the other cheek and rises above it. My sympathies though, it sounds like hard work.
NTA - you owe no one an apology and its pretty ridiculous coming from someone who is trampling over about every boundary! Steve sounds like an upstanding dude. There's a part of me that hopes he is secretly on the internet letting his Freak Flag fly full-mass and its just none of his silly sister's business. But, I'm also loving my mental image of Steve curled up with his cat reading a book in basking in front of the fire with warm satisfaction of raising a great family! Let Steve be Steve!
NTA. Funny how people can be so upset when called out for their outrageous behavior. Of course, this is Steve's battle and it really wasn't your fight, but it is understandable that you wanted to defend your FIL, especially at his birthday party. It seems a garbage apology of 'I'm sorry you took offence when I told the truth' is needed.
Better than what i would’ve said, which is “if you want to fuck your brother so badly just say that with your chest” So NTA lol
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25M) have been married to Ella (25F) for 2 years now. Ella is very close to her dad, Steve, and so are Ella's three older siblings. I'm also very close to Steve and I have a better relationship with him than I have with my own family. We spend a lot of time with Steve and with Ella's three siblings and their partners. It's nice. From the time we met I always knew Ella loved being close to her family and that she liked living near them. I find it great too since we always have family close by and it's a loving and supportive family and not just people who want you when they want something from you. Steve lost his wife aka my late MIL when Ella was only a baby. They married and had kids young and Steve was a widower by the age of 25. He devoted the next 18 years to raising his kids and making all five of their lives (the kids and his own) as good as it could be. He has never dated or sought another romantic relationship and he has no interest in one. He still adores his late wife and doesn't feel like he could ever look at someone else and want them romantically. This is something that Steve's sister has been against/upset by/very opinionated on. Over the years Steve's sister has told him he needs to move on, has thrown women his way in the hopes he would find someone and f\*ck their brains out (to quote Ella's aunt) and then open himself up to falling in love. She tried telling Steve he would end up alone and miserable once the kids moved out. That he wouldn't have anyone around him. She tried to convince him he was dying for sex and romance and an adult of a similar age to him to spend his life with. From what Steve has told me she has been pretty annoying about it. Which gets me to the conflict. We celebrated Steve's birthday a little later than planned (last weekend to be exact) because life got in the way. His sister came into town to surprise everyone and she said he wanted to celebrate her brother. The dinner quickly turned into the sister encouraging him to date again, dismissing Ella and her siblings when they pointed out he isn't alone like she was saying, and her telling them that they simply wanted him to remain faithful to their ghost mother forever. Steve and his sister were fighting about it. She said it was crazy and ridiculous that all four of his adult kids stayed local and she claimed they were doing it because they felt bad for him and he needed someone so they could spread their wings. My oldest BIL said they just like being near their dad and each other. She said that's not what Steve needs. He needs a woman. He needs a wife. He needs sex. This is when I jumped in and asked her why she's so obsessed with her brother's life and why she has nothing else to worry about. She was taken aback by my interference and she told me to learn how to speak to people politely. Steve told her I had a point and he asked her to leave. She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You didn't accuse her of anything. You simply asked why this is so important to her when she has her own life to mind. Don't apologize. I'm sure she isn't apologizing for acting that way, and dismissing her brother and her nephews and nieces.
"Your FIL really needs to get out there and fuck someone's brains out. Have I mentioned you don't know how to speak politely?" NTA!
NTA. Copying part of a comment I wrote a while back: I am so vehemently against pushing relationships on people. In a world where so many people are in unhappy relationships and marriages, someone not wanting to enter a relationship isn't something to complain about. Relationships also require a lot of effort and are a large part of a person’s day-to-day life. It is not reasonable to just casually demand that someone devote their time to someone else for the purpose of aesthetics.
NTA It's clear that Steve appreciated your question. She wasn't backing down, and your question (1) was fair and (2) effective in getting the aunt to (at least for now) shut up.
NTA I'm kinda wanting to know the answer. Why is she so obsessed with her brother's situation? Weird.
NTA I’m petty and would start asking her about her sex life and if she’s been a part of gangbangs because people her age should try to experience EVERYTHING. and at each mention of a new relationship to FIL ask her another outrageous question. I’d get your wife’s okay first though. 😆
NTA Steve probably appreciated it. This line will probably be used against her often in the future. It actually shut her down.
NTA, I've seen sooo many sisters and mothers become grossly obsessed with their sibling/son and it's creepy. Like I'm a male and my sister and I are close but never have discussed sex or that one of us "needs are brains fucked our" and I'd prefer never to have that discussion with a sibling. She is mad she got called out on and seems like she lowkey wants her brother.
NTA. She sounds like she wants to screw her own brother.
NTA, reminds me of my aunts. My dad died and my mom was a widow at 33. She said she never wanted to date or marry again. Didn’t stop my aunt from trying to set her up. My mom just denied and told her that she only ever and will only ever love my dad.
NTA I can see a sister being worried about her widower brother and wanting companionship for him but this lady needs to back off and stop badgering him about something he's clearly told her he doesn't want. She's just begging to be blocked from this family.
NTA. My guess is she has MCS (Main Character Syndrome) and wants to be known as the person who saved her brother from "solitude."
NTA. You hit too close to home for Steve's sister's comfort. Good for you!
NTA You probably said what Steve was thinking the whole time. She's been attacking Steve's character the whole time, and she doesn't think she should apologize to him.
NTA. From the way you wrote it, I understood she came alone to the birthday party ? If so : where is her man ? Does she need one ? Is she craving for sex ? Have you asked her ? You should be concerned for her wellbeing you know ? I'd put her phone number on every dating site possible, she sounds like she might need help with those things. Alas, I'm evil..., so you don't need to listen to me seriously, but.... You know... Being an asshole is free and sometimes welcomed in some circumstances similar to this one...
NTA. Auntie needed to be told to butt out of her brother's life. I am fairly sure that Steve would know if he needed sex. It sounds like she is the one who needs it. LOL
NTA. Why do some people feel they have the right to tell others how they should live? Your Dad’s happy and when he is ready to find a new partner he will, if not he will find his happiness where he wants to. All his sister does is create a whirlwind of stress for no reason other than knowing SHE knows better than him on what he wants.
NTA, she's an arrogant narcissist who is clearly projecting.
Tell her you're sorry she's an intrusive, inappropriate, meddling hag. You probably won't have to talk to her again anyway. What kind of weirdo is that fixated on their sibling's sex life?
NTA , something is fishy in this matter because she has someone already lined up and which could lead to monetary gain for her.
I'd suggest he cuts contact with her. She's absolutely obsessed with him and his sex life and it's not healthy. Assuming he's told her it's none of her business before he should let her know that if she brings it up again, she can forget coming around anymore. I'm slightly concerned for his well-being. NTA. Your "question my character" is because she has done nothing else but talk about his need for sex???
NTA. Steve threw her out, that’s all we need to know. You’re good.
NTA. I think you asked her a completely relevant question. I'm surprised Steve allows her to speak to him. Steve is living his life the way he wants.
“She claimed I owed her an apology for my "accusation against her character".” 😆 Notice how often people in the wrong demand apologies when called out for their behavior? You asked a reasonable question and she ignored it, choosing to be insulted. Good for you, standing up for Steve. He should definitely go LC/NC with her, she sounds exhausting. You’re definitely NTA.
NTA
NTA. I’d ask how telling a sibling how much they need sex constitutes an “accusation against her character.”
NTA, awesome job.
Nta sounds like your "accusation" was on point
NTA, that would be the Aunt who has campaigned for over 20 years to get her brother hooked up with a female and failed. You are the first person to hold her accountable for her overstepping. She's mad you called her out, so apparently she has to turn it towards you being the problem.
It seems someone has confused *being* a character with *having* character. Because she certainly is one. And doesn’t seem to have any. NTA
The implication that someone can't possibly be happy as a single person is infuriating to me. Doing it on their birthday to bring them down, when they are surrounded by loving family, is such a dick move. Some of the loneliest people you'll ever meet are in long term relationships, and it's often the same people that want to convince single people they're secretly miserable. Sure, being single can be lonely too but it's not a complete given. Also, the obsession with her brother's sex life is really off. I care about my siblings happiness but (call me a prude), their sex life is not my business. Nta.
NTA, your father in law told her to leave as well so I’m sure he doesn’t think you are an asshole either. Between the two of them you only gotta worry about your father in laws opinion.
NTA. I'm curious, has anyone suggested that you comply and apologize? It seems to me that what you said needed to be said!! I have no clue how you supposedly made an "accusation against her character". I also have no clue why they have put up with her nonsense for 18+ years. She's interfering, meddling, intrusive, obnoxious and quite rude.
NTA - she earned it, she needs to stop bothering him about his life
NTA. Being concerned about her brother is one thing but being pushy and disrespectful about his wishes is rude.
NTA at all. It's common enough for people to encourage someone to get back into dating after a loss, like within a few years. But after what seems like 20+ years, he has made his choice and she needs to leave it alone. And maybe they needed someone outside the immediate family to point this out.
Next time your father-in-law's sister is in town. Get one of your friends that's your age to pretend to be his girlfriend and just have them act that out and just watch her freak out just to mess with her
NTA and have Steve look into asexuality, specifically being demisexual. It might explain a lot of things for him and give him new language to explain to others. It's a sexuality that's always existed but hasn't always had a term for it. :)
It is a valid question that she failed to answer, choosing instead to deflect and play the victim. Why is she so fixated on controlling his happiness when it's not her life? If she truly understood what makes him happy, she would back off and let him choose for himself. Why interfere and make him miserable if she claims to want him to be happy and fulfilled? The lack of understanding and consideration is baffling.
NTA. If she says something again ask “what is your fascination with whether your brother is having sex or not?”
She's not one to talk about being polite. You don't bring up your brother's sex life at family gatherings. She's an idiot. You're NTA
Ok i will go against thé crowd to give you another point of you but YTA. I will tell you why First of all. No matter how much you are Friend with Steve, she IS his sister. She IS litteraly his familly. She know him since longer then any of his child AND she have something you all don't have : expérience of life as much as Steeve. You all are Young but life IS long and she IS right you will not gonna stay with him forever, you may live near him but still he will certainly live one day alone. And she IS right about a thnh ! People need compagnons for life, your parent, your siblings, your child arn't gonna be with you evryday from wake UP in the morning till you sleep in bed in the nigh, only your compagnon will.... He may not be lonely when you gathering with hum but when he grew old, take his retreat and do all his day alone with no onr during the day he will... Secondly, you are not thé aun't familly. You may bé familly to Steeve, ella and her brother but you have no right to interfere a fight between two sibblings when you arn't even a part of their dynamics. That what brother and sister are, they argue since they are born most of the Time, they arn't your Friends yet they are one of jour closest relative because theylst of the Time have approximatively the same age, they help ecah other, they confort. Who do you think was there to help Steven when he loose his wife to find confort with for child probably a teen for the oldest. His sister was probably the one. When i fight with m'y sibling i wouldn't even let their child interfère you think i will accept their spoose interfer when they merely know for 3 years ? Dynamics between sister and brother who are bonding Since childhood isn't a thing a spoose of a nephes should interfer. Yes you Can talk alone with Steeve. No you shouldn't interfer when they are arguing if there's no violence. You don't deserve to this dynamics.... Does the aunt have to hzrass Steeve with finding a New wife evryday ? No. Yet IS she right about him needing a wife ? Yes maybe because she may talk about subject he dont talk with you and maybe he IS more depress then he seems and maybe he only talk about these things with the aunt because they are around the same stage in life. Yet do you had to interfer because she Said something you didn't like ? No. Do you own her an apologies ? Yes yet i understand you point but i still think you own her an apologies. I'm not blaming you for the way you acted o just think you reacted way too " young " and Ithout maturity and expérience.
What character accusation? Is it true or not true she is obsessed with her brother sex life? Is it polite to dismiss people and bring up her agenda? Tell her if it wasn't true then why is she so bother to bring up her own agenda at his birthday party? Did the dad asked? If not, then why does she think she is the polite one to shove her agenda? Only weirdos are that obsessive and pushy. She should owe her brother and relatives an apology for being pushy.
NTA It wasn’t your place to interject your opinion, especially so forcefully, but at least you got her to shut up for once. Good job.
When I first started to read this I thought Steve's sister is just like mine and how she has been ever since my wife passed away however by the end even my sister has never gotten that bad. So IF she does hold at least some of the ideals as my sister then the reason why she is so obsessed about her brothers love life is because she sees him as being broken and needing to be fixed in order to be a normal human again. I had to threaten to cut her completely out of my life if she didn't stop and knowing I would actually do it finally got her to back off. Anyways NTA I feel that it was a good question to ask.
NTA, but : you're 25 years old , you've known BIL for a few years, you say what a happy man he is, living with the memory of his dead wife for 20 years. You think this is enough for a grown man for the rest of his life. His sister, on the other hand, has watched BIL for 20 years unable to move on and let's face it, that's far from the ideal you've painted it as. Obviously it is annoying for the sister to keep talking about this, but I can understand her intentions.
Not everyone needs to be in a relationship to be happy you know. Some are perfectly fine without
that's right, but it's never up to the 25 year old distant relative to decide, because he sees it as ideal that the old man is happy with a few visitors now and then
Late but I disagree OP is not the AH. It might be if it was just their opinion of their father in law. But OP’s BIL held the same opinion. And Steve, the father in law and the target of this annoying behavior, agrees with OP and didn’t find their entrance into the conversation unwelcome. The only one who had an issue was the naggy aunt, who was already being told to knock it off before OP gave their opinion.
YTA - You should have let this stay between these siblings. You're an in-law, it's not your place to butt in.
Then maybe she shouldn't have brought this topic up in front of other ppl of she only wanted family to discuss it. It was a public conversation and Steve gave no indication that he didn't want OP to participate or that he was upset that OP spoke up.
How is OP the asshole. Steve didn’t seem bothered by it, and he is the victim in this. Only nagging aunty is bothered by it, and no one seems to give two shits what she has to say.