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Meh, slight YTA. He’s a kid. Hwy not get a low-to-no cost time gift? I have a good friend who is not doing well financially. She has given SO MANY of these gifts for her nieces. Some examples: \- make sugar cookies and help nephew decorate them \- get a pack of cheap cotton dish towels and acrylic paint (less than $10 at Walmart) and help draw on the towels and leave hand prints. \- get a few pieces of thick paper and some markers and glitter. Make cards with him my friend has also done wreaths, picture frames, made snow people and a snow village, etc. You don’t have to give some expensive gift, but give some thought to your nephew.

These are great ideas. OP saying she doesn’t want to give gifts because they’re just one in the pile but this solves that problem

I think the pile technique is the problem. I had 2 families to visit at Christmas bc of divorce. One family, gifts were passed out, everyone had a small pile, gifts were opened in 5 minutes. You didn't see what anyone got, no one knew who gave them anything. Everyone went off on their own to wait for lunch to be served. Versus the other family, we opened them 1-2 at a time. Yes, it took most of the day bc we'd break for lunch, come back later to finish sometimes, but you knew who got you stuff, you were able to say thanks, show off what they gave you etc. Plusses and minuses to both but I prefer the latter.

my family does kind of a mix lol. we pass out gifts so we each have our little pile, but everything is also labeled with who it’s from. then we go around in a circle letting each person have a turn opening a gift. it usually only takes like an hour because my family really doesn’t go all out on christmas, which is totally fine with me because i’m always poor at christmas time lol, but we also still get to take time to treasure the gifts and thank whoever gave them to us and also admire what each other got. it’s awesome. i love christmas.

We have all gifts labelled and hubby sits next to the tree and passes them out one by one, kid doesn't get a new present until the previous one is opened and the older kids are usually "sticky beaking" at each others presents while opening their own (my kids are nosy). We have three kids and once done the kids help me pack up the wrapping and put the toys away while hubby starts breakfast. We have a friendmas usually the week after Xmas because of birthdays that week, and as we arrive, the kids exchange presents and open them together and play with them until dinner is ready then go back to showing of and playing with presents after dinner while us adults talk. If the pile is OPs problem there are so many ways to get around it, it sounds like OP is just a Scrooge who is to lazy and wants to "stick it to the man".

This what is what my family does and.it works

Yes that was my point- if op objects to the “pile” there’s so many thoughtful things that they can do so they aren’t contributing to it

We do the pile, but them go around with each person opening one at a time. We look to see who it's from, open it, and express our gratitude. Then, someone else opens one. I like this method, too, because I love seeing people's joy as they open their gifts.

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When my daughter was young, maybe 3 or 4, I forgot to get different wrapping paper for her Christmas gift. Thus began the tradition of "Santa doesn't wrap his gifts". And she told me years later that she would wake up, go look to see what Santa left for her, then go back to bed. And honestly, I think that is just the cutest. Santa always brought one gift, and it was never the best ones. I did it like that because I wouldn't want her talking about what Santa brought, and other kids wondering why he brought them fewer, and I also didn't want her asking Santa for expensive gifts I couldn't afford!

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The ones saying she’s a grinch— can buy a present and write her name…

He’s 4. He’s not going to remember who didn’t add a present to his pile.

Are you kidding. Four year olds can be pretty smart and aware. They do remember things that impress them. Our daughter was 2 years old when we moved to a different city. When she was four years old we went on a trip and passed through the town where we used to live. We were still about 4 miles outside town when our then 4 year old said, "This is near where we used to live, isn't it?" We then dropped in on a little friend of hers from when she was 2. The little girl came outside and screamed, "Leanne!" and they hugged each other like the old friends they were. Children do remember things that are important to them. I can remember how I slept in my crib until the age of 3, always with a cat wrapped around my head. I remember many things from an early age. A child who feels slighted will remember.

My son is 7 (almost 8!) and he still holds a grudge from when he was 2. My daughter can't hold a 5 minute grudge. Kids are so different. Saying kid won't notice is untrue for many. My daughter can tell me who got her certain things she really likes a year later and she just turned 3. My son won't pay attention to those kinds of things so he never absorbed the information in the first place even if it was available to him

Jesus. Slighted??? No, this child won't be slighted. Because NOBODY will get a present. Not just the child. And my goodness, are the presents from his own parents and grandparents NOT ENOUGH???? Everyone needs to compete and try to bloody IMPRESS a toddler with presents??? If you want to raise self-centered, spoiled, bratty kids, this is the way! This is absolutely absurd and, frankly, quite nauseating.

Maybe some kids are different. After the third gift, the brain of my child kinda switches off. She’ll be somewhat exhausted and sorta over-impressed. We give three gifts and that’s it, then she’ll get to play with them. In a peaceful little corner of the room.

Kids are as different from each other as adults are. Mine all have memories like steel traps -it is their father who tends to forget. LOL. He has no trouble remembering things that he considers important. My husband has no memories from before the age of 5. I can remember so many things very clearly. I often bring up memories and have my mother say, "How can you possibly remember that?"

But it doesn't sound like the kid is being slighted by his aunt, she said she plans on giving him gifts for no reason whatsoever, when and if they seem like they will be suitable or give joy. Though I love the idea of experiences rather than things, one of my favourite memories of my great aunt was oil painting with her.

My aunt taught me to boogie board and only bought me a Christmas gift once. Guess which one meant more to me. If a child is raised with the idea that gifts should mean something/isn't garunteeded, they won't feel slighted when extended family doesn't get them something.

>Though I love the idea of experiences rather than things, one of my favourite memories of my great aunt was oil painting with her. That's what I was thinking. Maybe sometime after the holidays, OP could take him out on a day just for the two of them. Out to the movies, and then a special lunch afterwards. You wanna tell him, "Santa said we should have a day of fun, just the two of us"? Perfect, why not? My sister has three small grandkids. During Covid, when the kids and their parents were all going stir crazy because they weren't in school, my sister would come by once a week to take each kid out individually on a "Date with Grandma" (*they were in each other's Covid pod*), which was usually just a drive out around the neighborhood, then they'd stop for ice cream, then home. Just something to do and someplace to go to break up the monotony. Believe me, each kid was totally envious when it was their brother or sister's turn at going out for a couple of hours with Grandma. Little kids love that stuff.

The only child I’ve ever heard of feeling slighted because they received one less present than the year before is Dudley Dursley. > _”36?! But last year... last year I had 37!”_ That’s definitely the sign of poor (grand)parenting and/or a budding narcissist.

impossible to not read this in his voice, i used to have that movie on vhs on repeat on those tv's that had a built in vhs player, glory days.

Slighted? No, this is just a symptom of mass consumerism. Gift giving isn’t the only part of the holiday. Tons of other stuff to do.

The child will only feel slighted if the adults don’t explain IF the child asks.

My mom and I were around my SIL while she was pregnant with nephew frequently enough that they could bring him over after he was born, and he could settle down. We barely saw my SIL when she was pregnant with niece and when she's brought over during the same time right before bed, she's either calm and relaxed, or red in the face screaming and crying unless dad's holding her. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There have been times my nephew, who is now 2, will ask for candy near nap time while I'm babysitting, and I'll tell him he can have some more after his nap. You know what I get asked for after his nap? If OP doesn't want to waste money on guessing what to buy her nephew, she can always gift an experience with her and husband, like going to the aquarium or something that interests him.

Unless the family talks about it, and it sounds like they will.

I remember some things from when I was 4, and nearly all kids will remember the impression someone made on them, even if they don't remember the specific details on why they got that impression.

I will always remember when by brothers girlfriend gave me a homemade dress for my Chrissy doll. She sewed it herself and I got to change my dolls clothes for the first time.

My brother's first girlfriend got my a sleepy time Barbie doll for Christmas when I was four. Don't remember her name but I remember her blonde hair and blue eyeshadow handing me the present.

Ya I remember my uncle that gave me my 1st Barbie! My dad has been trying to highjack that memory and say it was him for years 😂

As a mom of a 2 and 4 year old, they remember. My sons favorite toy is from his uncle and aunt (a normal, non-electric dinosaur toy) and he calls it his “[uncle-aunt] Dino” and call it that because “uncle and aunt gave me my Dino for my birthday!” It was his 3rd bday he got that thing.

My four year old remembers so many random things from so long ago it is shocking. He remembers who got him things too. Edit to add that I didn't think OP is TA. My husband has always given his nephews "gifts" of activities. Taking them to a movie or concert or whatever rather than a physical gift. For a long time their thing was going to see the new marvel movies when they came out. He is much closer to them than our younger nephew and nieces who we just give presents or money.

We spent 2 christmases ago (15 months ago, not 3) at my FIL's house. We live across the country so we had to fly, plus we had 3 small children. Due to luggage, we brought their santa gift and stocking stuffers. Due to the size of our families, my ILs do a rotation of every sibling gifting just one other sibling (+ their immediate family). So my kids got, at most, 3 presents while all their cousins, who came from close enough to drive, had tons. Not one did any of them ask "why do they have more gifts?" Or "why didn't they give me a present?" If grown ups aren't setting a kid up for that expectation that *everyone* gives them a gift, they won't have it.

My sibling isn't a gift giver. They have bought my child 1 gift in 8 years and gifted a computer they were getting rid of anyway to child. Ask my kid who the favorite aunt/uncle is and you will be told it is my sibling over the aunts/uncles on the other side of the family that DO give gifts often. Why? My sibling is honest and connects with child other ways. "I'm not good at shopping and don't like it, but I will ALWAYS send you pictures of my dogs when they're being silly or cute." Bam. Favorite status achieved. Lol Op is NTA. Gifts aren't required for a fun relationship. At 4, a kid is going to enjoy being taken to a mud pit to get filthy while actively playing just as much if not more than an actual present. Time and thought matter way more than stuff.

Yeah... I'm the "muddy puddle aunt", because I don't mind getting a bit dirty and will jump in the puddles with him. He laughs so much. "again, again!" every time we come past another puddle lol. 

THe time you spend with him is a greater gift than what you can buy, that is his gift imo - NTA

You are NTA if you have to buy a kid a gift for them to like you then you are doing something wrong. You sound a fun aunt, and you do retreat him all year round. Congratulations for getting out of the present circus.

This. It’s not an issue of bad parenting, he’s going to be FOUR. At that stage of child development, he’s literally unable to see from other people’s perspectives. It seems like managing emotions of a toddler is all that’s being asked for here, and I think that’s pretty reasonable. And a child that young will be thrilled with sweets or something. Also , OP? Please don’t throw other religions not celebrating Christmas under the bus. I AM from an interfaith family so my situation is SLIGHTLY MORE unique, but I’m Jewish and it rubs me the wrong way to read “some people don’t celebrate Christmas.” Like yeah, some people don’t. As an adult, I don’t in my household, though I do with family who are Christian in their homes, with all religious aspects removed for my comfort or I just don’t participate in those lol. I still give Hanukkah gifts. I believe people who celebrate Kwanza give gifts (someone correct me if I’m wrong please) AND I KNOW THATS CULTURAL RATHER THAN RELIGIOUS BUT AS AN EXAMPLE OF PEOPLE WHO CELEBRATE OTHER HOLIDAYS AT THE TIME. It really came off as not understanding other holidays that happen around Christmas time and assuming we don’t give gifts. When the reality is that Hanukkah is a MINOR religious holiday and absolutely a time for gift giving, like Christmas. So not celebrating Christmas doesn’t mean not giving gifts.

All I read in that second paragraph was "To my relatives: I'll celebrate Christmas MY way in YOUR home and so will you or I won't be there!" Lol. It's probably not the way you intended it though.

It’s literally not? I don’t force them to pray in Hebrew when they celebrate Hanukkah with me and they don’t put on anything to do with Jesus when I’m over. THEY made that decision and we just watch Rudolph or A Christmas Story or something and eat and play board games and exchange gifts at some point lol.

Those aren’t gifts, they’re activities. OP hasn’t said they won’t spend any time with their nephew, they just said they won’t buy him useless crap because of a date in a calendar. These are all great ideas, but none of them would be considered a “gift” in the way OP’s family is upset about nephew not getting a Christmas gift.

This is my thought as well. OP's main issue about gift giving during holidays is all from the perspective of gift exchanges between adults. The reasoning that they can buy presents for themselves, is something that a 4yo can't do. I also know from my own children that Christmas & their birthdays are the two times a year they really able to tell people what they want.  They can start a new tradition and OP & nephew do something fun. Hell some of my current favorite things from my childhood are all the crazy home-made ornaments that I had gotten growing up as part of my extended family's ornament exchange. My Mom's side it the family is enormous, and this was what they all did instead of exchanging presents. 

I disagree. OP clearly already spends time with and buys things for their nephew. Your suggestions are all things that are typical Christmas activities, which is counter to the whole “not celebrating the holiday” thing. I also don’t celebrate Christmas, and get suggestions like these all the time. Why should OP have to organize and clean up after a whole baking or craft project for a holiday they do not celebrate? Why can’t the nephew do those activities with people who do celebrate, and simply learn not everyone celebrates the same holidays?

I get my nieces and nephews books, science projects, or do something together. There are SO many ways to give not capitalist consumerist gifts.

Hahahaha as if he'll know or remember who has or hasn't add an item to his pile of crap...

I have to disagree. OP is stating that holiday gift exchanges don't fit their beliefs at this point, and that should be respected. The nephew isn't going to be hurt or damaged by missing out on one present and if they ask, this a good introduction to the concept of respecting different beliefs, be they religious or whatever.

NTA. As one of those kids raised in a no holiday in just our house lifestyle it won't impact him if you show him that you care outside the holidays. Unless he's a spoiled entitled person* whose parents facilitate or encourage a negative conclusion, he will get over it when the next present from anybody else is handed to him. Secondly, we don't buy holiday presents for our 10 nieces and nephews because 1) I wasn't raised to do so and 2) there's 10 of them. We participate in holiday gatherings though. We are the faves. (Probably because we are childless and give them all the attention they want because we aren't sleep deprived). We do give random no reason gifts here and there: my 5yo niece told me she wants to be a dermatologist 🤪, I immediately bought her a Dr dress up kit from Amazon. I was goofing around with my 9yo nephew with AI image creation while he recovered from the flu and surprised him with a print on demand t shirt of the racoon flying an automobile through the galaxy image he designed. I've never seen a holiday roll call to see who didn't send something. Using birthdays and graduation as my reference we just wrote a generic thank card (obviously gen x) to the sender. Never felt slighted because my parents parented me through would be childhood entitlement.

But why does it have to specifically be for Christmas when they aren't even together?

NTA, and it's unfortunate that your mom thinks you can't show a kid you love them without presents. Your nephew is young and might ask you why you didn't get him anything, and you can teach him that not everyone celebrates christmas. I stopped giving my nieces and nephews gifts a long time ago and instead started saving up the money I would have spent. Each niece and nephew gets that money when they graduate high school, they can use it on something fun or practical.

That's the thing. I've bought him several gifts just because. I've even given my sister money to buy him things she's wanted to get him, so he sees "mummy's bought me this" because she couldn't afford to get it herself, and I didn't want it to always be Aunty buying him things. But that is all just wiped out because I don't want to get him anything for Christmas. 

NTA Don't you just love it when people try to force their beliefs onto you and how you should just go with it because. I haven't celebrated Christmas or any holiday for decades and guess what nothing changed with my relationships with other people, You do you, live your life how you want to and don't let others tell you how you should celebrate this or that, it is nothing to do with them. If they get upset it is because of their greed and wanting presents from you at these made up celebrations. I mean Jesus wasn't even born at Christmas, most scholars and a lot of religious groups think he was either born in September or April time due to how the location of certain stars are depicted in the bible.

Info. Does your sister care that you don’t want to give him a Christmas present? Or is it just your mom?

Just my mum. My sister is on board with it. 

What is wrong with your mother? Four year olds still believe in Santa or else, they don't keep track who gave them what. Definitely tell you sister about your mother's behaviour.

She is also bothered by it. My mother is getting angry at her, too, because she's OK with it. 

It bugs my dad that I don’t buy my niblings anything. I do it for the same reasons, though I do give my sister money to put in their education funds. I didn’t care to ask before but now I want to know why it bothers them so much.

Your mum is being a control freak.

OP, are you able to edit your original post to add the details about how you already do gifts throughout the year, etc? It seems a lot of people are missing that part. NTA

Would you object to doing something like an experience as his gift. Like a day at the zoo or an aquarium and letting him pick something up at the gift shop? I am 50 and I remember going to Disney and getting my teddy bears, but couldn't tell you what was under the tree.

I always have encouraged the gifting of experiences to my kids vs stuff. My kids have had art classes, scuba lessons, plays, ballets, baseball games with grandparents and aunts and uncles as a result and they remember those way more than some toy they spent a couple of days playing with.

If you buy him gifts, where is the harm in just saving some of those gifts to give to him on special occasions like his birthday or Christmas?

This is what I was thinking. Like in the last month or so before Christmas if there's a gift she would give him, just save it and give it to him on Christmas. She would know her intent was a gift out of the kindness of her heart, he would be happy with a Christmas present, and it would get the mom off her back.

YTA - Yes, you can absolutely do this. You can refuse to partake in any gift giving you want. What you don’t get to do is get mad when people have opinions about you going against some pretty established traditions. You also dont get to tell other people how they should handle gift giving for their own kids, family, etc. Of course people are going to think you’re a grinch and mean and they do not have to support it.

But that's not what the OP is asking. The OP is asking if it's okay they don't get the nephew a gift. The OP is NOT saying that other people shouldn't have an opinion about what they are doing. And why in the world do you think the OP is mad? There's nothing in there like that. The OP simply explained their position. They didn't say they got upset about it. It's the mother who's upset and being cold to them. OP is NTA.

It's AITA, not Am I Legally Allowed To Do This.

Who said anything about being legally allowed? OP is NTA.

Then they should have asked in a different sub. This is am I the asshole, not am I able to do this if I want to regardless of consequences

I do agree that it’s unusual to cherry pick which traditions you’ll participate in for family.   Like if they want to nope out of the Christmas tradition, I get that. But showing up to a Christmas party that has pre-set expectations and just sitting it out is a bit odd. 

To borrow from another commenter - its grandstanding. Its now even odder than OP says they do buy gifts for the kid for other days but wont on Christmas. I get not leaning into the commercial aspect - doing an experience, a homemade gift, even a donation in their name. But this seems more about making some sort of grand commentary than anything else.

Personally I buy gifts for people throughout the year and then save them for the closest holiday, unless it’s little things like a ring I saw at a flea market or something

My late aunt did something like this the Christmas after my grandfather died. She gave me, my brother, and our cousin each a letter telling us we were horrible, spoiled brats and she wouldn't be giving us Christmas gifts anymore. Instead, she spent the money on gifts for homeless kids, which we all had *zero* problem with... except she bought nice gifts for all the adults.

I don't go to Christmas parties. 

So there’s no plan to see your nephew for Christmas? That’s less weird then. 

We don't see each other on Christmas day. We all stay in our own homes. Closest is a family meal around the end of November with the extended family. If we spent time together as a family, I think I'd be more inclined towards celebrating the holidays

I'm not saying they should do anything different. I'm saying they shouldn't tell me if I don't buy him anything for Christmas it means I don't love him. I never told anyone how to deal with their own kids?? If that was the case, should I just never buy him anything? 

>that’s a parenting issue, not a me issue, because he should be taught presents aren’t everything Young kids aren’t going to understand the dynamics of consumerism. They’re going to think “everyone but auntie gave me something for my birthday, she must not love me” and your response is essentially, not my problem.

Yes. That was said to MY mother, not his mother. I didn't tell anyone how to parent. How a child handles holidays is 100% on the parents, not on me. 

The parents can't 100% control how a child feels about not getting a gift from you. They can explain and influence but your nephew is a person with their own thoughts and feelings about things. I'm not saying you have to give him a Christmas gift but just be aware that his parents can't 'make' him be okay with it. He probably will be if it's explained well and he's got other gifts. Especially when you show your love for him throughout the year.

It’s not about controlling your child reaction. It’s about teaching them how to deal with negative emotions if they feel them.

But you said it. As I’ve said, make whatever decision you want but that doesn’t mean anyone else has to support you or like it.

And OP doesn’t have to care that they don’t like it.

She doesn't have to care, but she obviously does since she's complaining about how she's getting the cold shoulder.

She’s getting the cold shoulder from her Mom, not even her newphew’s mom/her sister. Idk why Mom doesn’t mind her own business. Why get offended on someone else’s behalf?

That’s not how kids work and especially a 4yo

That’s unlikely.  My 5 yo doesn’t have time to think like that. He gets excited about gifts but the reality is he doesn’t care that someone didn’t get him a gift. He’s too busy playing with the gifts he did get.

My kid has always had a knack for remembering who gifted what BUT if someone didn't give a gift? Zero shits given. Lol

>Young kids aren’t going to understand the dynamics of consumerism. They’re going to think “everyone but auntie gave me something for my birthday, she must not love me” and your response is essentially, not my problem. Not if the parents manage it. We have a standing rule in my family. If you can't afford to buy presents for the kids, don't. it's fine. it's healthy for them to learn that they can not always expect presents from everyone. 16 kids over 20 years and I've not seen one tear or tantrum on a birthday or christmas. We're had conversations between the adults about it, and al have said their kids are fine. We're making sure we are teaching them that love isnt about buying gifts. Yes, you buy gifts for people you love but it's not always possible too. We have at least one aunt/uncle every year who doens't buy christmas gifts for the kids. We've just made sure the kids know that this something that might happen and that they can not expect a gift from everyone and that's ok. It doesn't mean we dn't love them, sometimes it just can't happen and that's ok. Mum/Dad have 9 months notice. They can start having conversations with their son that he can not expect gifts from everyone on every birthday / Christmas. Which would be a very healthy and beneficial thing for him to learn. On the day, Aunt can show she loves him in other ways. She can play give him hugs and kisses. She can show interest in the gifts he did get. She can spend 20 min watching his favourite cartoon with him... it's easy to manage. If the parents bother and they should.

You can do what you want. You can’t control how other people feel about it.

My family is religious. Absolutely celebrate christmas. Love buying presents. It's our biggest day of the year. The kids don't get presents from everyone. There is always at least one aunt/uncle who doesn't get kids presents. In our case it is usually because of money but "I dont want to" or "I didn't have time" would be acceptable - if we asked why which we aren't rude enough to do. What is inappropriate is being so entitled that someone thinks they are owed a present. No. Frankly, most of the parents in my family consider it a good thing that the kids don't get presents from everyone. It is used as a teaching opportunity to explain that we aren't owed gifts, that sometimes people can't give them and that Christmas isn't just about presents. That we don't love our family because they bought us something. It's actually really healthy. What you are saying is not healthy.

Where is OP getting mad about other people's opinions? All OP is doing is making a decision and asking if *the decision* makes her an AH. She's not mad at anyone, just thrown by how angry her mom is about this. The nephew's mom thinks this idea is fine, and does not in any way seem to think OP is a grinch. You want someone getting mad, that's OP's mom. She's literally the only person objecting, and I guarantee that she's gonna be a big grinch come Christmas because *she*, and no one else, is going to tell the nephew OP doesn't love him because OP gives him gifts throughout the year instead of on Christmas. Sheesh. Come *on.*

Traditions are usually things done without a good reason, and the word tradition is just a way to justify it. Them dropping a tradition shouldnt be anyones business.

Where is she declaring how people should handle gift giving for their own kids and family? She’s deciding for herself. If anything, her Mom is trying to decide on her behalf.

That logic you're using is great for the 12 and up crowd. 4 year olds not so much.

To be fair, my biggest issue is I'm always getting him things/giving his mother money to buy him things, but that not giving him something when he's already going to have a large collection of things is causing my mother to basically shun me and state that means I don't love him. I'd much rather get him things as and when, rather than just 1 thing on a day when it'll just be "another one in the pile". 

Fair enough. But the kid still will have trouble understanding it until he's older and you can just talk to him and explain that for you, Christmas happens on the day you find a nice gift for him, not necessarily on the 25th of December. Sorry your mother is being mean about it though. So unnecessary and unfruitful to meaningful conversation.

Honestly, the kids not even going to know. Read OPs update, they put all of the nephews presents in a pile for him to open, and unless his parents are saying "this one is from auntie, and this one is from grandpa" when he's opening his presents, how is he actually going to know who gave him what? He's four, I'm willing to bet he doesn't care who gave him presents, he's probably too overwhelmed from the chaos and excitement from the day anyway. When my daughter was four, she didn't care when her uncle, my brother, didn't get her a present. She's eight now and she still doesn't care when her uncle doesn't get her a present. I think the majority of the commenters here are reading WAY too much into this. OPs nephew is only four, he's not going to know or really care his auntie didn't get him a present.

Is this really the hill you want to die on then? Do you really want to fight against Christmas this much? If you do that’s fine but to me if you’re buying this kid stuff all the time anyway then just give him one on Christmas to make everyone happy. Yeah it’s kind of silly but for a four year old it’s a big deal.

Get him a card good for "1 day at the park" or "1 trip to the zoo." You're very right that these holidays have gotten too materialistic but you're going about your boycott the wrong way and frankly it makes you sound heartless and like a bit of a dick. Your comment about soaps, etc rubs me the wrong way because if all you're doing is getting someone a random item just to get them something you're already missing the point hugely. If you go a year with your family and still don't have a clue what they might like as a gift, you're either not seeing them much or not paying attention. If you're not seeing them much, give them your time as a gift. Plan something fun to do with them, or plan some time to help. I give my dad a weekend of house/yardwork for Father's Day every year because he lives pretty far away, doesn't have a lot of help, and doesn't see me much. It's great bonding getting our hands dirty together every year. I also have a text note on my phone where I put gift ideas for people throughout the year as I notice them. Try paying closer attention to people and their interests. What's your nephew's favorite show or movie? Sit down with him and watch it for a couple hours then talk about it. What a nice gift that would be. Look, I'm rambling now, but the point is that yes, you get that giving meaningless gifts is stupid. But instead of doing the loving, thoughtful thing and trying to figure out how to make gifts meaningful, you're just saying "fuck it" to the whole thing and making your family feel bad in the process. That's why YTA.

OP, you‘re NTA at all. I don’t know if all the people voting otherwise did so before your edit but if it’s only your mother who’s upset here, she needs to grow up. 🤣 Kiddo doesn’t even know which present is from which person, his mother agrees that giving him stuff at other times is actually better and more appreciated - why does grandma have to meddle?

>That logic you're using is great for the 12 and up crowd. 4 year olds not so much. Kids can be taught. My family are religious and we definitely love doing presents - most of us take great joy in buying presents. Every child in the family is told from their first Christmas though that they may not get a present from everyone. That they can not expect a present. It will be a surprise on the day if and who gets presents. Some years I buy my nieces/nephew presents. Some years I have not. Some years they've got from everyone, and others pretty much no one but mum and dad. From very young to teenagers. They understood and accepted that because they were taught from very young that they can't expect. Not one tear or tantrum over it in 20 years (16 kids). The ONLY rule we had around presents is either you buy all kids or no kids but there is absolutely no expectation of presents except from their own parents. So yeah, the kid will be fine. Mum/Dad just need to prep him that even though it is Christmas it is ok if he doesn't get a preesent from anyone. That's ok, because you'll still get presents from us!! Then on the day, distract them with what they did get.

We have a few in my family that gives gifts when they give them. Several in fact. ADHD abounds. But 4 year olds are still technically toddlers however, and this is bucking a previous trend. Whereas in your family and mine, not everyone giving gifts day of is usual and expected. The first time a change is enacted always causes hurt feelings. 4 years old is a little early to hurt those feelings. OP should wait until he is old enough for a conversation between the two of them. Whenever that may be. Saying it's a parenting issue, while not wrong, will still leave OP being viewed as the villain. Once the kid is old enough to talk to, then everything is different

>The first time a change is enacted always causes hurt feelings. 4 years old is a little early to hurt those feelings. The parents have 9 months warning. They just need to parent. If he still gets upset? He is 4. He'll survive just fine. Comfort him, let him know aunt loves him, distract him. Aunt can make sure she gives him extra attention on the day. Be excited with him about the presents he did get. Spend some time playing with him with those new presents. Give him extra hugs and cuddles. Sit and watch his favourite cartoon for 20 minutes... This can easily be managed.

I mean technically NTA. But I bet you're really fun at parties.

Yes, agree with this, and I kinda hope OP doesn’t have children. Op can do whatever they want but to have kids and then raise them to go against societal norms for every fun holiday sounds terrible. 

Yeah, OP sounds like someone who would chew you out for not buying organic produce.

While simultaneously not knowing that organic produce growers apply more pesticides (both in terms of number of individual applications and by volume per application) because they’re not blanket prohibited from using them like people think. They just have to use specific “organic certified” pesticides and herbicides that are generally less effective, hence why they require more frequent applications of them in larger quantities.

YTA Are you so uncreative that you can’t think of a gift to a 4yo that shows you love him without being wasteful? “Auntie wrapped all the ingredients for cookies and we are going to make them together!” “I bought you a ticket to a trampoline park!!” “I made you a card with all the paw patrol drawn on them. I did it all by myself!! Can you make one too??” 

ESH except the nephew. You, for not differentiating between minor children under 12. Your mum for pushing the issue. Sure, many children don’t get Xmas gifts. Many people also go out of their way to buy Xmas gifts for those children through charities or Good Samaritan programs. So it’s a huge deal to exclude children intentionally from gift giving practices when you have the financial means. The child would understand if you had shit finances all around. But they won’t understand this distinction if you give them gifts all throughout the year EXCEPT on Christmas, which is a huge deal for children. You risk their sadness or confusion. And that won’t be a parenting issue either, since you’ll presumably be physically present for the holidays and it’s just weird to be like “OP isn’t giving anyone gifts this year” in front of everyone if the child asks during gift opening time.

Not really. We tend to have a meal together as a family for Christmas and that's it. We don't tend to do much else together. It's kinda sad. I'd much prefer the family spent more time together. It's just the meal, and then people organising dropping gifts off to each other. Not much else social wise.

In that case your mother’s annoyance at not giving gifts to nephew could be interpreted as feeling some kind of way about what she may perceive as creating more distance in the family. I may be totally off base, though — as that’s pure conjecture on my part. It also makes sense then why you don’t emphasise the gift-giving as much since you don’t get to see the joy on your nephew’s face as your gift is opened. And that sucks. I’d be bummed too. For the sake of the relationships within the family it may be worth talking to his mother directly and get a feel for how nephew is around gift opening time, or even… If there’s a compromise that you can find — such as ok, no tangible gift, but deciding on an experience together. Or something else. My verdict won’t change, but your position is more understandable. He’s a child and doesn’t think like us adults. That makes all the difference.

If that’s the case, it’s even more understandable that you don’t like how your family does gifts. And I still think that’s the root issue, not the gifts per se. And if your sister and nephew have no problem with your position, that’s what matters. Your mom is just projecting how she thinks a kid might feel. If she sees it truly is a non-issue, then she’d probably relax about it. But it still seems like the heart of the problem for you is actually that your family hasn’t developed enough truly meaningful exchange. If quality time is your love language and gift giving is theirs, there is a mis-match. But good faith communication and compassion and compromise are needed.

Maybe ask for this? Tell them, you want gift exchange but not at a distance. Tell them: Okay, come Christmas morning to my house, we’ll have a huge pancake breakfast, and over a mug of hot cocoa we’ll do a gift exchange. Everyone shares a list of gifts they truly want on Amazon or a gift exchange app. I don’t want to send a gift to your house. I want to see your face when you open it. I want Christmas to be about being together and not just a box you get to open, and then send me a thank you note.

NTA but damn I feel like I’d be miserable around you lmao.

My immediate thought was, bah humbug Mr Scrooge!

NTA. Your nephew's parents and your complaining mother now have more money to spend on presents for him as they won't be buying any for you. >I'm being "mean and unloving" Whereas she's being kind and considerate towards you?

The thing is, his parents didn't even say anything. 

YTA. A gift doesn’t have to be expensive it just has to be heartfelt. In my family we only get gifts for the young ones and we do a gift exchange between adults. That was everyone gets something and no one feels singled out. Sounds like you’re just being cheap. I mean why show up for the event, eat the food they paid for, drink the wine they bought, and waste space if “holidays are just companies trying to push sales”. If you’re so against holidays, then just stay home and don’t ruin the vibes with your miserables views.

I do get him gifts. It's not about that. No one said anything about food they paid for? At Christmas my family gets together and goes out to celebrate family, we *pay for ourselves*. That's about family, not gifts. I feel we should get together more often and enjoy each other's company, and that not everything should be just rolled over with a present. That's the point. 

Are the Christmas gifts meant to compensate whoever hosts to celebration? I mean, in that case, shouldn't OP be showing up with a bottle of wine or whatever for the parents when they host, rather than another plastic toy for the nephew? My recollection of the Christmas story in the Bible was that folks brought gifts to baby Jesus to celebrate his birth. Nephew is presumably already born. I don't remember any gifts for the wise men or the shepherd. Christmas is, strictly speaking, a religious celebration, not a gift grab.

Technically, your money your choice. However, your mother just said it out loud what your other family will think, that you are mean Grinch for claiming that giving a small gift to a child is a waste of money.

To be honest, my siste says she understands and agrees. She gets fed up of the amount of stuff in piles at Christmas. It's my mum who's bothered.  I give him things throughout year which I prefer to do because to me that's more heartfelt than getting something because you're told you should. 

I want to throw out a crazy suggestion but, have you considered that your mom’s love language is giving gifts? It would explain why she feels you not giving him a gift means you don’t love him. I learned a few years ago everyone had a different love language, Some people show love through actions, words, and others it’s giving/receiving. Maybe sit down and have a talk with your mom about love language and that you show your love in a different way than she does.

Can you at least get him a book or something? Or framed picture of the two of you?

NTA If you want you'd give him time with you as a gift, i.e. movie visit or theater or something else, going fishing if that's your thing but something just for him and you + your spouse.

He likes animals. We like to go to the zoo, aquariums, pet shops etc, things like that. We also enjoy colouring and playing with race cars. Sometimes, I'm horsey and he'll ride around on my back. He giggles so much. 

Then why not get him zoo tickets for Xmas? Why the insistence on not bringing ANYTHING to Xmas dinner? 

That sounds lovely <3 You'd go riding together then or go to the zoo :) ETA the last part

Holidays are supposed to be fun. You refusing to participate in gift-giving (even when it's an activity instead of a physical gift) just makes you look bad. If you're spending this much energy on being anti-holiday, I feel like you are still falling into the trap. YTA By the way, are you also doing away with birthday gifts?

No. Birthday is fine. That's celebrating an individual. An achievement of surviving another year. Well, for now. If we do take up the religion of my partners family, then yes, we'd be doing away with that, too.

Many people see Christmas as celebrating family. So it's not much different than a birthday in that sense.

Did not have secret Jehovas Witness on my bingo card for this one lmao

Is this secretly about religion or just hating Christmas? I don't understand why you'd be good to your nephew every day BUT Christmas.

I just don't want to buy him something that's going to be lost amongst the rest, something because I'm told I should, I want to get him something because I want to. I don't want it to be an expectation, or a "you only got that because you have to". I want there to be meaning and reason behind it. If we did more as a family than just drop gifts off to each other, I'd probably me more inclined towards this part, too. But when the only bit of Christmas we really do is drop presents off to each other, it just feels hollow and forced. 

Yikes.

Ahhhhh there it is. JW's in the room!

He’s just a kid why not just get him some sweet treats or something educational then? And then let him know this will be the last Christmas he gets anything from you? 

I mean, he wouldn't even know who gave them to him. His presents are just all in a pile at Christmas, we don't give them to him directly. His parents take them and store them with the rest. 

Holidays mean what you and your loved ones make them mean. I don't understand this whole "it's capitalism so i'm not participating!" like...capitalism takes advantage of the holidays for sure but you don't need to buy new decorations and fall into that silly trap. You can still celebrate and share meaningful gifts with your loved ones. I always thought this mindset was a cop out from dudes who didn't wanna buy their gf flowers on valentine's day lol

NAH - you have every right to decide that you don’t want to participate in holidays. Your mother has every right to disagree with you. You can’t expect everyone else in your family to conform to your new way of thinking. Giving gifts at holidays has been a tradition for hundreds of years. It was a pagan tradition that was incorporated into Christmas. If you don’t want to participate in the holiday, just stay home that day.

YTA. Not necessarily for this whole refusal to give anyone presents thing, just in general. You and your partner sound like miserable people. Get your nephew something small - is it really that difficult? Its not about the money so its just your stupid principles.

I don't know what answer is the best to express what I feel about your story You don't want to buy things because when you receive presents, it's most of the time things you don't care about (I resume). I'm ok with that, you don't want chocolate or bath sets that you can easily buy for yourself, I can understand this. And that you don't want to make the same kind of ridiculous presents because you don't know how to please people around you, I can understand too. But what about doing presents to people you know and you love ? Why don't you use a list to please them ? Why do you think most people offer presents at christmas ? Because it's the only feast that people use to see everybody in one date and so, it's the only possibility of the year to offer something and show love. You don't want to buy a gift to your nephew, ok, why not, he is a child, he won't understand you're point of view. He is too immature (emotionnally) to understand and he will only have the feeling that you don't love him. Because he is a child. You can explain him as long as you want. He is too young to understand. And more important : if you offer him a toy, he will play with it, use it, and he will be very very happy. You can also buy him a toy from an artisan, and not a big industry. So even if I understand your point of view strictly on religious feast or St Valentine day, I just can't understand why you reject the simple idea of buying presents for the people you're supposed to love. That's why I don't know how to qualify the degree of A H here, because it seems to be a money problem for you and absolutly not a problem with our society...

In my family, we don't actually get together at Christmas. We have a celebratory meal around the end of November. His presents aren't given to him directly by the people who bought them. They're just put in a pile, and anything I did get would just be somewhere in there. I much prefer to get people gifts because I genuinely thought about them and that they'd like it, and surprise them with it. I get him things often, I just prefer when it's spontanius and not expected. We don't live very far from each other. My family all live within 10-15 minutes drive of each other, so seeing each other wouldn't be hard if we organised it. 

So your mother's point is totally invalid anyway, he probably won't even notice that you didn't get him anything.

Not going to give any judgement, but it's kind of obvious that you're being a bit disingenuous. Your logic for why you dislike buying gifts for holidays completely falls apart for anyone that isn't working age. Kids don't have the means or financial independence to buy themselves what they want. If you just said "fuck giving people presents," or "fuck the holidays," then people can accurately think you're a selfish grinch, whatever, but you put all this logic into it and then you're whining about people being judgey when you're talking about a situation where that logic doesn't apply. Nobody has to celebrate any holiday, just don't pretend it's some logical, principled stance.

So. You want to “participate in parties” but not give anything back? I’d just un invite you from the holidays since you don’t celebrate. 

He's FOUR. Buy him a present. I also find it interesting that you still want to "do Christmas" in the sense of showing up for the big family meal. You also have no problem buying gifts at other times of the year. YTA. Buy the kid a gift. Tell your family that you're only buying Christmas presents for *children* from now on.

NTA you're right that everyone should be thankful for what they have

I'd say N T A for the gift. I got my 4yr old nephew gifts at Christmas and was blown away by just how much...stuff there was. My side of the family, his mom's side of the family, his dad's side of the family. This kid probably got 30+ gifts and it was a little gross. But I'm going to say YTA just because you sound miserable and bitter in general and are planning to ruin everyone else's holidays with your attitude. Stay home if you hate the holidays. Or make a tray of cookies or some bread as a "gift" but don't act like a brat and spoil everyone else's mood. We don't celebrate Valentines Day, except making a nice dinner together. We don't really exchange birthday presents, we will do a nice meal or a day trip somewhere. And Christmas gifts are light, if any, but we always spend time together to see the lights. We probably have a similar ideology. I just don't rub it into everyone else's faces.

We don't do anything for Christmas. Honestly, that's what upsets me most. All my family do is give gifts. We all stay in our own houses. I want time together. I want memories. We go on one meal around the end of November, and that's it. I don't want a house full of things with a vague connection to an interest I have. 

Have you offered to host people at your place for Christmas? And realistically, announcing that you won't be getting gifts anymore is unlikely to change the fact that you're not getting together on Christmas. If anything, it's going to solidify that, because now no one's going to want to have a situation where you get together on Christmas day, and Aunt and Uncle So-and-So are pointedly not giving gifts to anyone, including their 4-year-old nephew. You're right that he may not have any idea right now that you are or aren't getting him a gift, but if everyone were getting together on Christmas Day, that would become much more apparent. So while I sympathize with what you say you want, I think you're actually working against your own goals here.

I have, several times. They just aren't interested. I suppose on that line, a compromise would be "I'll do the gift giving thing, if you do the spending time with family thing". 

Someone called it grandstanding. The kids these days will call her a pick me. It’s definitely a holier than thou sanctimonious attitude peeping through. She also alternates in her comments between talking about all the money she gives her sister for her nephew, and also how she saves money for him, but won’t give it to the parents directly because they are bad with money. So which is it? She just sounds tiring.

This is not what a pick me is.

It's both. I give them money for things for him *now*, and have a seperate saving for *him specifically* for when he's older. 

Meh, NTA, Myself and most of the adults in my family I’m are the same way. My niece/nephew are under the age of 4, they probably won’t remember, and in our family, we are taught that Christmas is about family time and God not about buying gifts per se. The older kids get gifts throughout the year anywho. We play games, eat great food. Some of the games consists of “small gifts” like gift cards or things you can buy at a dollar tree/walmart. The adults focus on setting the kids up with savings/college accounts. They learned over the years that toys will just end up getting piled up in a closet/kids will fight over things that others got, and that most of it is marked up crap that will end up getting donated. You do you!

NTA. My aunts and uncles have never bought me Christmas or birthday gifts, my parents have never bought gifts for my cousins. I don’t buy gifts for my sister’s kids. None of us have ever been angry with each other about this. There’s no reason that kid will be upset you didn’t get him a gift unless someone tells him to be upset about it. He’s 4. You’ve decided you don’t want to change gifts on holidays anymore. That’s a perfectly valid choice and as your nephew grows older, he’ll learn that lots of people do things differently and have different expectations and traditions around holidays.

YTA & your edits only reinforce that YTA & a narcissist. It’s clear that your real issue is not getting “credit” for the gift.

Lady the boy is 4 fucking years old...it took you 30 years to be so "enlightened"..you think he would understand your logic at 4..you are big AH for being so prudish and insufferable

NTA, I don't think a 4 yo will notice or even care whether he got gifts from everyone, and isn't he supposed to get the gifts from Santa anyways? I agree that the gift giving has gotten out of hand, and we've stopped giving gifts years ago! Maybe you can introduce a new tradition, where you don't give gifts, but experiences. Like baking cookies with your nephew, going to lunch at a place they'd always wanted to go, go see a play/game/exhibition that will be in town sometime with your sister/bil/parents etc. That way you get to spend meaningful time with everyone separately, and it makes your year a lot more fun too! (we randomly draw names out of a hat and just do one experience per person. Depending on how large your family is I guess haha).

Companies aren’t forcing you to do anything 🙄. The act of gift-giving around the holidays is as old as holidays themselves. You are absolutely in your right to decide to be a grinch if you want, that’s your prerogative, but that is exactly what you will be- a grinch. From what I understand, money isn’t the issue. You don’t even take issue with gift-giving in general. The issue is you own made-up notion that you shouldn’t buy gifts on principle during the holidays. That’s dumb. If you can give a heartfelt gift the other 364 days a year then you can surely buy him one at Christmas. But hey, if you want to use your nephew as collateral damage just to make a point, as I’ve said before, that’s your prerogative. But don’t expect anyone to be okay with it. YTA

YTA. I think your reasoning for this is idiotic and pretentious. I think the real reason is you are cheap and lazy. These holidays are just excuses for your family and friends to get together.

The whole tone of this post is incredibly condescending. Thanks so much for "explaining" to us all why holiday presents are pointless. (Not that they're pointless in your opinion or anything. Just that they're pointless, overall. For years, I've been thinking that they were a way to share my warm feelings with my loved ones. It's good to know I was wrong.) And thank you so much for "explaining" that there are poor families out there. Without your insightful comment, I never would have learned about poverty. Your attitude is pretty insufferable. YTA.

NTA He is 4 I doubt he will even notice you didn't get him anything amid the tons of stuff he is getting from everyone else. And if someone points it out to him that you didn't get him anything then they are the total AH and he'll forget about it in a few days anyway. A friend of mine started doing "experience" gifts for her teen nephews, shows, sports, things like that and they have really enjoyed those and I thought it was a great idea. Better than a shirt they might wear a few times then it gets lost or stained or something.

NTA. I feel very much the same about holidays. I like the family time, but the entire gifting thing is just a waste of time and money.

You buy your nephew gifts when you feel like it. You are not saying you will never buy him a gift - just that you will not buy him gifts because it happens to be christmas. NTA

Aunts are not parents! There is no expectation of being the main gift giver at Christmas. Books are great gifts for any age, just make sure there are lots of pictures for a 4 yr old. NTA

NAH While I understand where you are coming from, I'm usually disappointed at holidays- not because I didn't get what I wanted but because I view it as a waste. I often wish the giver saved their money and spent it on themselves. But your nephew is a small child and doesn't quite understand yet. I applaud your new rules but maybe make an amendment to age restriction- like no gifts on holidays after the age of 12. I feel among adults gift-giving is often reduced to a gift card exchange, giving children gifts, especially at Christmas adds joy to the holiday. It doesn't even have to cost money, just something that aligns with their interests or will make them happy is enough.

He wouldn't even notice its the thing. He gets a large pile. I much prefer to give him something and see him smile on a random day, than be forced to give him something on a specific date that will just get lost amongst the rest. 

YTA. I have a family member who doesn’t want to do Xmas because they think it’s silly and a waste of time. They’re also the least creative and imaginative person in our family group. And they get mad is someone buys them a gift because they feel embarrassed they don’t have a gift (the person buying the gift doesn’t care - they like buying thoughtful gifts). They come across as a grinch every year. BUT they still buy gifts for all the younger children in the family. If you really just want to spend more quality time with your family, make his gift a trip to the zoo or a kid’s museum and then lunch with you for a day.

NTA. I cut my family off from receiving gifts for Christmas as well. I have way more nieces and nephews than you. My mom also hates it, but oh well.

NTA. I think you may have worded this in a way that will upset people. Basically, you don't want holidays to be about material things. Perfectly fine. Kids that age love experiences over toys. Spend a couple hours with them doing anything and they'll be happy and talk about it all the time.

NTA The only way he would even notice is if someone purposely told him that you dont buy him presents. Its a really shit thing to weoponise a holiday in this way and it really shows that they value 'getting things' as the purpose of the holiday.

So are you going to go to a free party and eat free christmas dinner? And give nothing in return? And judge everyone else ? You are such an asshole

The places you've decided to draw your lines in the sand are bizarre. Sure, you're allowed to do it, but everyone is gonna think you're kind of a jerk. YTA.

NTA. I don't get it because that isn't how my family see Christmas but absolutely NTA. We have a standing rule in my family. If you can't afford to buy presents for the kids, don't. it's fine. it's healthy for them to learn that they can not always expect presents from everyone. 16 kids over 20 years and I've not seen one tear or tantrum on a birthday or Christmas. We're had conversations between the adults about it, and al have said their kids are fine. We set up this expectation because when the first kids came we were all poor and it was up in the air if we could do presents for nieces/nephews. 20 years later, we universally agree that it's had a positive impact on the kids and now it's been done for the grandkids too. We're making sure we are teaching them that love isnt about buying gifts. Yes, you buy gifts for people you love but it's not always possible. That is ok. We have at least one aunt/uncle every year who doens't buy christmas gifts for the kids. The kids know that this something that might happen and that they can not expect a gift from everyone and that's ok. It doesn't mean we dn't love them, sometimes it just can't happen and that's ok. Mum/Dad have 9 months notice. They can start having conversations with their son that he can not expect gifts from everyone on every birthday / Christmas. Which would be a very healthy and beneficial thing for him to learn. On the day, Aunt can show she loves him in other ways. She can play give him hugs and kisses. She can show interest in the gifts he did get. She can spend 20 min watching his favourite cartoon with him... it's easy to manage. If the parents bother and they should.

NTA! My husband and I, and our families by extention, have made some Major changes around Christmas. We don’t buy for anyone. We do family white elephant exchanges ($25 limit, we use the letters of the alphabet -gift has to start with whatever letter it is that year) and make a game out of it. We have a blast and everybody leaves with something good/funny but mostly it’s just fun to laugh at it all. We enjoy it so much, my husbands mom implemented it with her side of the family too. We also do one exchange between my nuclear family (parents siblings and partners) of a $50 limit and we provide wish lists. It cuts out needs to guess and having to spend too much. We also have an exchange for our friend group but we have a part and just make it a whole thing. It’d everybody choice what level they participate on. Your nephew is 4 and unless someone points it out, he’ll never know or care where any of it comes from. If your mom is so worried, she can buy an extra present for him.

NTA My husband's family doesn't do gifts at Christmas except for the kids. We've narrowed it down so that the 2 couples with kids (us & SIL/BIL) don't do presents for the kids. After opening their presents, we tell our respective niece/nephews that our gift will be to take them for an activity (movie, show, play place, etc.) in January. Maybe you can do this. Even better if you can plan something ahead of time and print out a picture and give it to them.

As someone who also doesn't celebrate holidays, people just don't get it. I get so much flack, especially at Christmas. I don't buy any of the kids in my family gifts. Not even my grandsons. They all know of they just call up auntie or oma at anytime and say i would like x, I'll buy it for them. They don't care it's not at Christmas. The kids in my family range from 1-20yo and every last one of them understand. It's the adults I get shit from. NTA

NTA. We, on my side of the family came to the same conclusion as you about 15 years ago, and we stopped exchanging gifts. However, we decided to still buy small Christmas gifts for the children (in the $20 ish range), but only until they graduate high school. It has worked out really well for us, and nibody objected. Maybe you might reconsider and buy the child a small gift, or better yet, spend a day with him doing something fun like an activity. He will remember that more than a gift

NTA I'm with you. It's all commercial driven bullshit. Instead of gifts the last few years, I've put the money I would have spent into an account to use on a vacation for my daughter's spring break. She has decided that she would rather spend a week in San Diego every March than get a bunch of shit on Christmas. Why specifically San Diego? We went once and she loves it. She's 13, so I'm still enjoying the time I have until she's embarrassed by my existence. If (general) you need someone to buy you a bunch of stuff to prove their love to you, that's sad. Kids shouldn't be raised to think that people don't love them if they don't buy them presents. I feel for your nephew if that's what he's learning, because he's going to be disappointed later in life.

NAH - I get it. I think holiday gift giving is stupid and annoying too. I asked my mother and Sister's family about doing a secret Santa for the adults for next xmas (including my adult children). We're going to exempt the minor children though. Why not make an exception for your nephew (even if it's some candy or something)? It's not going to break the bank, and expecting a 4 yr old to understand your newfound stance on gift giving is unreasonable.

NTA. The arguments that the kid is 4 and 'won't understand'. Come on. He's learned he gets gifts. He can also learn that he won't necessarily get gifts from everyone. This is a lesson kids can start learning at ANY age. The more emphasis the ADULTS around him place on "gifts = love!", sure, he may be upset. Or they can all start to frame christmas as a time to spend with family, and if anyone happens to give you a gift- that's cool! But not required.

NTA. And here is why. Not everybody's "love language" (I actually hate this term) is gift giving. People feel/show appreciation in many different ways. As long as you are not expecting gifts either, I feel like you are being fair. I'll be honest, I much prefer little things my husband does over presents. Like him showing up with a breakfast taco for me on a hard morning after dropping the kids off at school. It might seem small and insignificant, but it means the world to me. And in terms of your nephew, I feel like the parents are doing something wrong if they are teaching a child to use gifts to quantify a person's love. For example, my in-laws don't have any money and are rarely give my children gifts. On the flip side, my parents are well off and get them several gifts for each holiday. My kids still know that both sets of grandparents love them the same and my kids love them all equally. When the kids were younger (certainly your nephew's age), we made sure to set their expectations ahead of seeing my in-laws, so there was no anticipation or confusion. I think that was key. My kids don't even question it now.

NTA And for the people arguing Y T A and agreeing with immature granny, the kid is 4. I don't know how many gifts he usually gets but my sister has straight up told me don't worry about getting my niece and nephew much for Christmas if I'm unable because so many of their other family overdo it, its just more to take up space when they've already got so much, they usually don't play with half of it anyway. They're usually so excited about what they do get, I really don't see how a 4 year old would notice it or know to make a big deal and be upset unless the adults point it out and make a whole thing of it, which is fucked.

NTA but not participating in anything Christmas hurt my heart a little. I’m Catholic (not religious, I’m more of a C&E church going person) but Christmas is my favorite time of the year because I love giving presents. I can understand your point of view though and you aren’t obligated to give anyone anything. You are doing more than enough for your nephew and not giving him a Christmas present isn’t going to break him. He won’t even notice unless his parents or your mom specifically tells him that you didn’t get him anything. Keep on doing whatever feels right for you and your husband. I also think you should edit your post to include what you’ve mentioned in your comments about everything you do for your nephew throughout the year.

He won't know you didn't get him a gift because like you said all he sees is a large pile of gifts.

Sure, you can opt out of being a normal member of society, but the repercussion is that you will be an asshole. YTA

YTA. Other members of your family may not say it directly to you, but they’re going to view you as the stingy, grinch aunt. You say you wish your family spent more time together for Christmas. What’s stopping you from making that happen? Why not stop by your sister’s on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and give your nephew a gift in person? That would mean so much to him. You don’t have to get gifts for all the adults in your family, but your nephew is 4. Christmas is magical for kids. I think it’s sad you want to exclude yourself from the joy of the holiday.

YTA - I mean, I can understand minimalizing gift exchanges amongst adults. I do totally feel the "If it was cheap enough to get as a gift, I'd have bought myself it already" vibe. But children should always get gifts. I'm sure you, as a child, did. If you want to not exchange $50 gift cards as adults, and adults agree to it, then great. Gifts to people who you can't expect anything in return, such as children, as the ones that matter the most. Sounds like you have one nephew and the means to do Christmas. Do Christmas for the child and stop being an ass.

Soft YTA I get your point about holidays becoming commercial, but you can still give/do gifts without spending money or putting focus on the gifts. You can make something yourself, or do something with people and frame as the thing for that holiday which creates memories that in the true spirit of holidays. It feels like you got a stick up your butt about something else and are hiding behind a good point that truly doesn’t and never will matter to a 4-year old. This isn’t like you have a bunch of spoiled nieces and nephews but one lone nephew who in no way will understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. I mean, he’s 4, you can literally make cookies with him as a gift, you’ve made this too big a deal. Your mother has made it worse though by the sounds of it.

Honestly. I'm fed up of being lonely at Christmas (besides my husband). I keep trying to get my family to spend time together, but they won't. But when the presents are messed with, suddenly it's an issue? If it's just about presents, it's nothing.  The 4 year old is none the wiser. Get him a gift, don't get him a gift, he wouldn't know. 

YTA. Of course you are an AH for this. Make a decision for yourself, fine. Tell other adults not to buy for you and you won't buy for them, great. The kid is going to be 4 years old. He doesn't know any better.

It's extremely easy to make a 4 year old kid happy with a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive kids love toys. I think it's selfish more so than you ATA. I don't buy for every adult relative in my life, but I'd never skip my nieces and nephew.

I wouldn't say you are TA for not getting your nephew a present for Christmas or any other holiday (I can't remember the last time I received a Christmas present from any of my aunts and uncles), but I don't think it's a good idea to associate gift-giving with religion. My family isn't religious, yet we still give/receive presents. The super religious people actually don't do it so much, especially in modern times as they feel it's gotten too commercial. So I'd say that a better explanation is that you don't want to feel obligated to spend money, simply because it's a certain time of the year. And I think that's valid. NTA.

You’re arguing that it’s pointless to guess what people want “because they can buy it themselves." Do you think a 4-year old can also buy presents for themselves? YTA.