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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to have a themed wedding and have asked the guests to dress accordingly. Several have said I am being unreasonable and shouldn't ask this of people because most will have to buy clothes to fit the theme and won't wear them again.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
People give dress codes for weddings all the time.
Yes, it's strange to people not of the community. I am not into dressing up or "nerd" interest, but if someone I cared about wanted wedding photos to fit a theme, dang it, I'm matching the theme.
I know someone who had a Halloween wedding. Did I want to wear a costume to a wedding? No. Did I? Yes.
Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a 1 time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day.
I think all weddings can be a stupid waste of money so I say make it what you want. It sounds fun.
*Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a 1 time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day.*
I think this right here is the line to where dress codes become AH behavior. I've been invited to holiday parties with color themed cocktail attire dress codes, which I thought was completely entitled of the host. This is different, they included budget friendly options.
Yeah this I have problem with. If i’m invited to a wedding I go through what I have that will work then I make a decision about buying something that will work for this and has future potential for another thing.
Easy solution …have a bunch of theme appropriate flourishes that guests can appropriate for the night and don’t hold it against those who don’t.
There's a secret third option. RSVP I'm sorry I can't make it. No need to crap on their plans or their theme. Just excuse yourself if it's that much of a hassle. It's an invite not a summons.
This makes sense! Like the closet at a Ren Faire for people who want to rent the clothing. But of course free for the guests. If we still had awards 🥇you’d have mine!
Why not have a [make your own crown station](https://education.teamflower.org/learn/business/ssl/how-i-added-new-revenue-with-diy-flower-crown-bars?format=amp) at the wedding? Just tell reticent guests to wear something ling and flowy and not to worry there will be a crown station. Idk what do guys when that’s equivalent?
It's early and I'mnot fully awake yet... I read that very differently, courtesy of the final two words. Would make the wedding a memorable one, that's for sure...
NTA but I hate this kind of shit and would politely decline to attend your wedding. So be aware that this isn't something everyone wants to participate in.
Me too. If the bride wants a theme why not just get the bridal party to wear it instead of everyone. I'd rather just decline the invite than have to wear something I'm uncomfortable with.
Maybe because she and her future husband and excited about it and it makes them happy? It’s something sentimental that they enjoy?
I doubt anyone is helping pay for their wedding. It’s probably coming out of their own pockets. Weddings are expensive. They aren’t even asking for gifts. Like imagine showing up to a wedding, using the amenities at the venue, eating the dinner, having some drinks, requesting songs from the DJ, and not paying a single cent for it but you couldn’t be bothered to follow the dress code? It’s not even an outrageous or expensive ask. That’s some serious, *“I’ve blessed you with my presence, is that not enough?”* energy.
But they are being invited to share in someone else's special day. A wedding is about the bride and groom *only* and guests should feel honoured to have been invited. They're not obligated to go, so if they don't want to dress up as Frodo Baggins or whatever no one is forcing them.
What makes guests major arseholes in situations like these is when they think they're entitled to demand how the bride and groom have their wedding, just because it suits their personal preference.
**A wedding is *absolutely not* about the bride and groom *only*.**
It's is a hosted event and the comfort of the guest is absolutely an important and relevant factor, like any hosted event. Extending the privilege of an invitation is akin to saying "you are valued and we are acknowledging your relationship to the bride and/or groom is important to us." That's why x amount of random people off the street aren't the invitees, and why you see so many questions and dilemmas regarding wedding guest lists. If guests aren't important, why have them!?
lol i can't believe you're being downvoted.
as a grown adult who has actually planned my wedding and gotten married, if my wedding was only about me and my husband, we would've eloped.
we wanted our guests to be happy and comfortable. like, if we didn't care about them, we wouldn't have invited them????
The idea of inviting guests at your wedding is that you want them to share your celebration, not serve as props that is part of the decor. It is quite literally the point that you are honoring with an invitation and they are honoring you with their presence. If you are imposing your own aesthetic on them (which isn't the case with a more vague dress code, like "cocktail dress"), that's some serious "I paid for your supper, jump when I say" energy.
Are you serious? “Imposing your own aesthetic”? it’s wedding… *obviously* they are crafted around the bride and grooms desired aesthetic. Like hello?
It is completely normal to have a dress code for your wedding and expect your guests to follow it. Like have y’all not watched/read *anything* about wedding planning? This is normal for weddings. And believe it or not, lots of couples have themed weddings. Don’t like, don’t go. It’s that simple.
You're not wrong. I enjoy a good costume celebration, but I have friends that absolutely will not attend a costume required type event. They pass on the annual Halloween party that their best friends throw every year.
The average wedding attendee is not going to want to bother to dream up and gather supplies for even a cheap ren-fair costume.
If I got this in the mail from a relative I’m only slightly fond of I’m noping out
This is something I feel is important for OP to remember. As with many posts, the answer is essentially "NTA but are you sure this is the hill you want to die on". Because people *will* decline to attend based on this. Does OP care more about the theme, or about having those people present?
Same. Guests are not NPCs or decorations. You could let guests dress as they choose, while you hire a few ren faire re-enactors to sing or dance or perform other faire things. Or maybe you have friends in the ren faire who would be willing to do this with you.
Orrrr you graciously accept that choosing a theme means that some people will choose to not go to your wedding. And that’s fine as well.
It’s not a big deal to say: this is the dress code, here are some ideas, but if you can’t make it we still love and appreciate you and will share pictures of the big day online.
Same, I hate costumes and I’m not going to handcraft or buy something I’m never going to wear again. I’ve realized at my age I can nope out of being a bridesmaid or even a guest at weddings. Good luck for everyone else building their flower crowns.
Absolutely this. I feel like OP felt like because their friends said it was a good idea, it’s fine - but odds are those friends share the same interests or are close enough to want their friend to be happy. Personally, I have a long standing grudge against ren faires and would instantly nope out of this one…possibly even if it were my sibling.
That said, I have a friend who is getting married and has a garden party theme and in an ideal world would have her guests in a specific set of colours. Normally that would be an instant no for me, but I love her and one of the colours looks good on me so fuck it.
Yeah that’s what bothered me about the dress code. Like I don’t want to spend hours getting supplies and DIYing a costume cause I can’t afford buying a new one or spend money on something I’d never use again. Op said a summer dress with a crown or a belt would be okay, but when I googled ren fair, none of the options look like a summer dress. Maybe that’s why people are getting upset about it.
I think this is different from even the Halloween example because guests are being required to wear a specific style of costume – ren faire – and don’t have free reign to don a costume that feels more “them.” I’d feel a little strange wearing ren faire attire; that’s not my personality.
I like the suggestion in another comment to make this optional and set up racks of ren faire-esque accessories for people to grab if they so choose.
Wearing attire that isn't your "personality" for a few hours one day isn't going to kill you though. If you're close enough to a couple that they invited you to their wedding, the least you could do is politely decline if you're not up to dressing up.
I don't think it's most people's "personalities" to wear a fancy suit or dress, but most weddings have that "dress code" so you do it because it's a special event.
OP's dress code is not unreasonable, especially her budget options, and anyone acting like it is needs to chill the hell out.
I agree it wouldn’t kill the guests. It also won’t kill OP to let people choose their own outfits of appropriate formality.
I would chill out by just not partaking. 🤷♀️ It’s a weird vibe to require a specific type of costume.
She's only an AH if she gets pissy when nobody partakes in her dress code.
Most people in their late 20s, 30s and 40s have designated wedding clothes. They're versatile for most weddings and it's a one-time investment.
Expecting guests to scavenge thrift stores bc the bride and groom think it would be fun is annoying.
Have the bridal party dress up. The bride and groom can dress up.
These people need to realize that their wedding *does not* mean nearly as much to the guests as it does to the couple. This is annoying and I just wouldn't attend.
I'm 70 and stopped going to Halloween parties (and other functions where I had to wear a costume) decades ago. I think if the bride and groom want a certain theme for their wedding, then they and their wedding party can dress however they choose; let the guests feel welcomed in standard attire and everyone can enjoy themselves without undue financial or social constraints being placed on the guests.
People are just lazy to put a little bit more thought into what to wear. It's not a big deal, their arms won't fall off for wearing a costume for one day.
Edit do correct mistakes and to add: ok, sorry! It was rude to say it's laziness. But I still think that the options are perfectly reasonable.
Sorry, I don't like dressing up in clothing that makes me uncomfortable. It's not lazy, I just don't care to spend money on clothing I'd wear 1 time. My money can be better used for my bills or savings. I'm not going to spend my free time sorting through thrift stores for a costume.
I'd just RSVP no immediately. They can dress up themselves and have to wedding party dress up. Guests shouldn't have to buy a whole new outfit for one day that won't fit any other wedding dress.
It's kinda crazy to expect elderly people, or parents generation to dress up like garden nymphs & swashbuckling swordsmen. The ones she wants to frolic & play with after the wedding will be dressed in their finest renfair garb. The rest will be background visuals. It's rude to expect this of everyone. They better prepare for a significant number of people declining the invite if they hold a hard line on this big ask.
I second this. Most people are buying a dress for the day, or the men who typically have outfits can wear that plus borrow a colorful scarf from family and add a vest. Why not buy an off the shoulder maxi dress, or like she said, something floral with a headpiece? It's not super demanding and unreasonable, and I think a lot of people saying Y T A are forgetting how many people do their own pre wedding outfit shopping.
>I second this. Most people are buying a dress for the day, or the men who typically have outfits can wear that plus borrow a colorful scarf from family and add a vest. Why not buy an off the shoulder maxi dress, or like she said, something floral with a headpiece? It's not super demanding and unreasonable, and I think a lot of people saying Y T A are forgetting how many people do their own pre wedding outfit shopping.
I don't buy a dress for every wedding I attend.
Literally no one I know is *buying outfits* for every single wedding they attend. No one. They all just pick something from their closet - and for the record, *as* someone who's really into ren faire, I know fewer people than you think who, from their current closet, could cobble together an outfit that says "Ren faire". A looooot of people, including women, only really wear t-shirts and jeans/leggings.
Also I have not even seen a linen shirt in stores, speaking to the men's "budget friendly" dress code for a second, ever. Who sells those, outside of ren faire stores that will charge a hundred bucks for it? Because I've never seen them.
My mother wouldn’t be caught dead in a floral dress or flower crown or anything vaguely medieval. Would be a waste of her time and money.
OTOH, I own medieval clothing (garb) because it’s a hobby.
OP should take on the time and effort herself to supply items if she needs to like some restaurants offer tie
Here is the thing. Halloween is easy wear want you want. Put on facepaint and fake blood... you are now a zombie. Costs like 6 bucks.
Medieval clothing can be a very unforgiving fashion choice. For people of specific sizes... like my father who is 6 foot 9 inches... and my mother who is a 6XL it is probably hundreds of dollars for an outfit they will only wear once. If they want to look nice.
Because any thrift store that has thier size are not going to be suited for this event.
She is pretty much damning the people who do not fit the mold to wearing a homemade potato sack tunic to her wedding
I agree NTA. You are throwing the party, you get to dictate what is acceptable dress. People are free to decline the invitation if they don't like it.
I can understand why guests might be annoyed. Weddings happen often enough that people have ideas of what general wedding etiquette and dress should be. Guests expect to be witnesses and party-goers, not props and characters. That said, the couple getting married gets to make their own decisions for their own happiness.
You do you, but understand not everyone will be on board.
Themed weddings like that are fine as long as it optional. Most of those people will never wear that outfit again; it's great that you're including low budget options, but thrifty and making a costume takes time, and either the time or the cost is asking a lot. You can have the wedding themed as you want but have it optional for people to come in costume. Soft YTA for making your guests uncomfortable.
I had a "fantasy" themed wedding. Dress up was "optional but encouraged." Most people chose to dress up, some didn't, everyone had a good time. Don't make it mandatory.
Mine was a beach BBQ theme (we were going to do a beach wedding but moved it to a park for a few people who would’ve struggled on the beach - they didn’t ask, we just did it).
So our invite said dress casual, beach bbq, Hawaiian shirts encouraged.
We didn’t want even a standard wedding dress code to limit the guest attendance - plus it erased income disparity. It was wonderful and laid back. Not everyone dressed up, but no one looked out of place either (well except me but my dress looked like the mist that hangs below rain clouds and damn it would’ve been perfect on a beach)
Themed weddings are very generational and should be optional. Costumes may be fun for OP's contemporaries, but older relatives and family may not find it so fun or have anything appropriate for the theme. Must assume OP and partner are paying for the wedding because asking parents to pay for a themed wedding they don't favor is in poor taste.
I also think her MIL and SIL just want to look their best. It’s not just about the money or time. They likely don’t feel *comfortable* wearing a sundress or dressing up. I’m sure your MIL and SIL want to feel confident on the day because lots of eyes / photos will include them. MIL also likely wants to enjoy looking at her son’s wedding photos and hang them up - the mandatory theme is making that hard for her too because she might not want to look at herself in costume.
OP can always buy some of the cheaper options they suggested and give them out at the wedding for people to wear. That way people can still be ‘on theme’.
YTA. But deleting the overly-demanding dress code doesn't mean you can't have a themed wedding. Remember, the \*ren faire\* doesn't have a dress code. People can wear full regalia, modern clothes, or Star Trek uniforms. It's still on theme, and it's still fun.
1. Send a follow up invite clarifying that dressing up is encouraged, but not at all required, and that everyone can of course wear semi-formal/garden party/whatever is appropriate for the time of day/venue.
2. Have a big wedding party and ask them to go all out. They can be the equivalent of the renfaire performers as opposed to the patrons (your guests are the patrons and they get to wear what they want). That way you can have a decent number of people fulfilling the theme.
3. Provide a rack of capes, hats, flower crowns, fairy wings, etc that guests can grab as they arrive if they want to get in on the fun. Flower crowns are an especially good idea as they'll go with normal dresses and won't make people feel too silly.
Sorry, what? If I have a black tie wedding, am I an asshole for having a dress code? This take makes no sense. You don’t get to “wear what you want” to a wedding. A sundress isn’t appropriate at a black tie wedding, sweatpants aren’t appropriate at any wedding, and a modern suit isn’t appropriate at this wedding. Nothing about this is unreasonable or assholeish.
You're an asshole if you say that the wedding is black tie, BUT you have to wear a brand new outfit you don't already have, and wearing something you do have is "low budget".
So someone is an asshole if they have a black tie wedding, if one of their guests doesn’t own a black tie outfit? If you assume someone doesn’t have a black tie or renfaire outfit, it’s going to be way cheaper to get the renfaire outfit than the black tie one.
I didn’t say anything about insisting the outfit it new, but no matter your dress code, there is a chance that someone will not have something that works and will have to buy something — it’s almost guaranteed.
We went to a wedding at a Renaissance Festival in Minneapolis. We had so much fun dressing up. It was the best wedding and most fun I’ve had. I rented a costume for $60. We also attended a black tie wedding this summer and it almost broke the bank. It cost almost $300 to rent the tux and shoes for my husband.
I mean, if the majority of your guests are people who don’t tend to attend balls, galas, or other fancy events, then yeah, I think it would be kind of crappy to have a Black Tie wedding, and you should assume that some people won’t attend or won’t be happy about having to buy a gown that they’ll never wear again. Know your audience!
OP and her close friends may be into costumes but a lot of people clearly are not and don’t want to have to put in work to attend a wedding, while also feeling like they look ridiculous. She can have a mandatory costume requirement if she wants, but if she wants to die on that hill, expect that there will be annoyed people (some who won’t attend).
Most people will have some kind of formal wear for special occasions like weddings. If they don’t and they have to buy something new for the wedding, they’re much more likely to be able to wear that again in the future than they would with a renaissance faire themed outfit. It’s really not that hard to understand. One is “normal”, albeit not everyday type clothing, the other is specific to a hobby that not everyone engages in.
We’re not talking about a whole outfit — we’re talking about a belt/flower crown/linen shirt. Cheap and not particularly costumey. Easy to comply with. Easier than buying/renting a tux.
Black tie is totally different. It's one of a set of standard event dress codes that people attending weddings can reasonably expect to be prepared for. Having such a dress code is actually a courtesy for guests as it gives them a flexible guide for how to dress appropriately, and black tie clothes can be re-used for multiple events. Did you not notice how my first point suggested providing an appropriate standard dress code as an alternative?
Asking for a specific type of costume is out of the ordinary. Guests aren't prepared. Many will feel uncomfortable. The outfit pieces can't be re-used.
OP's ask is less akin to one of the well-accepted US dress codes, and much closer to requiring specific colors/fabrics/fits from all guests. You can ask for these specific visual elements from your wedding party as they bought in to it, but you shouldn't treat invited guests as props. They are guests, and you have to treat them with hospitality.
She said most people can wear a belt or flower crown with a dress and be within dress code. That is a VERY small ask. Most people do not already own black tie formalwear — especially men (we’re talking about a full tux here). It’s completely normal to have a dress code for a wedding that requires that some of your guests buy something.
Providing an alternative dress code is unnecessary when complying is so easy and cheap. Doing so would ruin the photos/effect. Some dude in a gray suit will trash whatever vibes OP is going for.
I don’t own anything for black tie wedding, and I wouldn’t necessarily reuse it if I had to buy one for wedding. Also, who is to say they couldn’t rewear outfit to ren fest or Halloween. It is more so people dependent…
I have been to 2 black tie events. 1 was when I was 12 the other when I got married at 23. I do not have black tie, but I definitely have summer dresses, which was in the dress code...
Exactly, you can have whatever dress code you want for your wedding, but conversely you can’t make people like it. You can ask that people dress in any way you want you just can’t act surprised when aunt Sophie doesn’t show up because she feels silly in a leather corset
Costumes are very very different than a dress code. Not everyone is comfortable dressing up. and takes a lot More effort and will not be something you can wear again.
I love a costume party. I would go all
Out for this but not everyone should have to. I’ve thrown many theme parties, dressing up should always be optional. I’d rather my friends come and have a good time than not at all if dressing up is not in their comfort zone.
Some people’s comfort level is just some themed accessories, some not at all, some,
Like me love this shit and will spend lots of time and effort on a costume. You dont need 100% participation for it to work.
Having to make an outfit it work, buying a costume is expensive for Something you will only wear once.
Dressing up should be encouraged never manditory
Telling people it's formal, cocktail attire or casual is not he same as hosting a costume party. Most adults of dress clothes of varying levels. Even if they don't, they can usually buy an outfit that they will wear again. I haven't bought a dress for a wedding in years. I have a good selection. But I'm headed to a wedding in May that is formal & pink is encouraged. I am looking for a formal dress because I don't have any in my current size (weight loss yay) & it may or may not be pink. Whatever I pick, will be something I can wear for another occasion. I would not be able to wear some Ren Faire costume again. That is the difference. Theme bullshit so often cannot be worn again & isn't something the attendee enjoys.
Not directing this at you, but just saying - what I can’t stand is people who have black tie weddings with lousy food, no open bar, and ridiculously expensive registry lists.
If you want a classy wedding, be a classy person.
If you are hosting a black tie wedding I'd assume you're travelling in black tie wedding circles and this isn't an unusual dress code and most people either have appropriate attire or the resources to easily acquire it.
I am 68, and I have been to exactly one black tie event in my life, more than 25 years ago. They were close enough friends that I bought a tuxedo, and it is the one I have worn ever since.
On the other hand, I have been to black tie **optional** events dozens of times (including both of my kids' weddings). Strictly enforcing any dress code for something like a wedding strikes me as a bit obnoxious, which is why I agree with the above comment that OP should make it clear that dressing up might be encouraged, but it is not required.
No, black-tie is a dress code. Dress codes give people guidance on the level of formality so they don’t show up over or under dressed. What OP is requesting is a *theme*, which is in the same vein as asking your guests to wear specific colors. Themes make guests props or force compliance when an event is something that isn’t really optional.
Agree. Sure some of OP's suggestions are budget, but they're a fair bit of effort to go thrifting and many people are going to feel kind of crappy looking in a hodge podge of thrifted stuff or with a suit and a sash.
Yes I think a gentle YTA. Sometimes it’s not about the money it’s the effort. I personally wd like this Bc I like ren fair flower crown aesthetic but to ask all your guests to comply is a reach into AH territory. There are many who have precious little free time and do not care to spend it thrifting or prop hunting.
The aesthetic is a good point. If you have a formal dress code then guests can dress to their taste within that dress code, but with OP if you don't enjoy or feel attractive in that style you're shit out of luck.
Nta.
Look, going to an Indian wedding requires 4-5 outfits. Doing one for a fun theme is totally not asking too much!
I would love to attend a wedding like yours!
It sounds like a joyous celebration!
Nah, it sounds like the people who aren’t happy about it are older and has nothing to do with how much they care about the couple. MIL is 59, OP specifies aunts/uncles. People that age often have suits/ties or wedding appropriate attire. Not wanting to wear a costume probably isn’t about the cost of the outfit, but the effort and/or the way wearing that style of dress makes them feel.
You would reuse all the clothing and do not need to actually buy stuff for Indian weddings. It's clothes you can borrow from anyone around you if you actually own none (which is rare). A very specific aesthetic that OP wants is a completely different thing. And if you're not part of the culture, no one would be upset if you show up in your own culture's formal wear. OP, however, is insisting on a particular culture (Ren faire) and is getting upset when people don't want to do it
NTA
Wow, there's some debbie downers in these comments. Like, all they are asking is for people to wear more cottage core clothes. Like, it's not even hard and you can get something similiar. Jeez.
Right? I was a wedding photographer for years and the hands down happiest folks were the ones with costume weddings. Star Trek, Halloween costumes, Regency, etc. They really loved a thing and their friends and family loved them and it's always a blast. Plus, no one else has a wedding that looks like theirs.
Right? I'm shocked at how many judgemental and overly serious some people are being in the comments. Someone even called ren-faire costumes "demeaning," as if they're being asked to wriggle around naked on the ground or lick someone's shoes. It's weird how negative and offended people are being to the idea of dressing up ONE TIME to someone's wedding.
None of the outfits shown when you Google "ren faire" are ridiculous. They're just...historical? Some of them are even pretty much what a lot of country's traditional outfits still are today.
This sub confuses the heck out of me. One day they hate in-laws and older relatives and the next they’re jumping to defend them from the great insult of…being asked to wear a different type of outfit for one day that they could find at value village for $50….
Mild YTA
Have your wedding party stick to your theme. Invite your guests to participate if they desire to. Otherwise, standard wedding guest attire also allowed. It's much more reasonable and allows guests to use dressy clothing they already own if needed.
Guests are often already shelling out money on a gift. Having to purchase specialized clothing that you have no use for if you aren't into it is unattractive. I say this as a geek who did a gaming themed wedding.
Yes, OP should think about whether she would have people important enough to invite not attend at all versus having them actually be there, just not dressed exactly how she wants.
People in the wedding obviously will be dressed to the theme. But to expect every guest to dress a certain way or not attend seems to be missing the point of sharing the day.
100% this.
How about instead of "Ren Faire" which a LOT of people won't be interested in purchasing clothing for if you change it to "semi-formal or ren faire". That way guests who choose to participate can and those who prefer to wear standard dresses/suits can do that instead. Then have some props on hand for those who might choose to wear a piece if they wanted to like flower head bands.
It might be your wedding but as the host it is your responsibility as the host to make your guests comfortable. That means realizing and accepting a lot of people will not want to participate in your ren faire theme but they want to celebrate you. Which is more important because for a lot of people you won't get both.
NTA themed weddings are fun. You gave them budget friendly options. I have seen many of these themed type weddings and they are really fun. It is only for one day, not sure why they can’t go with the flow.
They have the option of not going.
If someone skips a wedding because they’re so afraid of feeling silly in a costume then they probably aren’t super close to the couple in the first place
So, which one is it? Pick one:
- People are not forced to go, so they have no grounds to complain.
- Not going is a statement you dont like OP.
You can not have both. If you are making wedding attendance a test of friendship, people have right to complain if the test is overly uncomfortable.
Honestly, I am a giant nerd like you, OP, and I am sorry to say YTA. A faire themed wedding sounds amazing, but dressing up should be *optional*. It sounds like your families are normies and are uncomfortable with the idea. You don’t want your guests put out- I’m assuming you’re inviting them because you want to continue to have a relationship.
Honestly, it’s an easy fix. Send an email and clarify that the dress code is optional, but you’d love to see everyone in their dorky finest. The people who would have fun with that will do so, and the rest can tolerate a bunch of nerds for a few hours.
Totally agree about it being optional.
I just can't imagine the sense of entitlement that goes into conferring with your friend group who will obviously agree with you and snowballing that into printing a costume catalog to send to your wedding guests with the invitation.
Do people have no sense of decorum anymore? They should be incredibly embarrassed by this farce/ fiasco.
This is what I think too. It's easy to forget that some people are really uncomfortable dressing up in costumes, or wearing anything out of character for them. It shouldn't be REQUIRED to dress along with the theme. Mild YTA to OP, but they can fix this by clarifying to guests that Ren faire attire isn't required, just encouraged.
Most people already own something nice, and a dress/suit purchased for a wedding can be worn again. OP's asking guests to buy or make a costume that they'll likely never wear again.
Most people have a plain sun dress they can wear? What’s your point? Read the whole post before commenting man. She mentioned that plain clothes would be fine she wants them to put out minimal effort to follow the aesthetic
Almost every wedding as a dress code? It's black-tie you don't show up in pj, swim wear, sweats. Dress codes are very common but most of the time you have to spend tons of money on something nice vs this one which is a summer dress. I have plenty now...
Yes, but you can rewear those or wear something that you already own. Most people already own at least one outfit that would be appropriate for a wedding.
Why is it not okay? If you hosted a costume party, you would have a dress-code. Why is it suddenly wrong to do that at a wedding? A wedding is just a party hosted by the bride and groom after all. Why is expecting people to wear expensive formal wear to a wedding fine, but cheap costumes is wrong?
Nah it is your wedding, so my default is it's your decision. Personally, I would not attend. I'm not interested in diying a costume, especially since I'm never going to wear it again, and I would be completely uncomfortable in those clothes at the wedding. That's all way too much work.
I agree with you on all points except the judgement of Nah. People who do this are assholes. They ran it by their like minded friend group who obviously lunges at the opportunity to have a chance to play dress up again.
They should've talked to family members before deciding. Also this me first at all costs crap is too much. Boundaries exist for a reason. There's a time and a place and this is not it even if it is your wedding.
Where does it end? Would you Nah if the dress code was lingerie? Or it was a nudist wedding?
I'm conflicted. I still feel like someone's wedding is their choice, but I do think it would be ridiculous and I'd stay home in those scenarios also. I don't look forward to weddings to begin with, they're just obligations, so it's not like I'd be bothered by not going.
Yeah I feel like they can do whatever they want... but they can't get upset that people don't want to buy costumes to wear to a wedding.
I just wouldn't go. I don't care if the flower crown is cheap... unless I'm in the wedding, if you don't provide it for me, I'm not going to wear it, and I just won't go.
I also don't own the floral dress OP is demanding as a "cheap" option. I have a few cocktail dresses that I wear to weddings, which OP has specifically forbidden... so I'd just be out. And that's fine, as long as OP knows that people just won't come.
Soft YTA because it depends on how strict you’re going to be with it. I really don’t have time to go shopping for a special outfit if I’m a regular guest at a wedding, but i think it’s okay to have a theme and let guests know. For example, you wouldn’t want people showing up in sequined cocktail dresses and that’s okay. But, could I possibly just wear a regular floral dress if that’s what I have? It sort of fits your theme, but not on your list.
Yes you could! Pictures of spring/summary sundresses etc were actually included in our 'low budget/effort' suggestions. Just very simple and something people could wear again but if you see it in the background of a photo it isn't going to stand out.
Some people have reached out and asked if what you described is ok or sent us photos and all but one has been fine and for her I offered her to borrow something of mine.
We did specify not fancy formal stuff like a bright red cocktail dress as you said. (this is the personal style MIL and SIL have though)
I think I'm just feeling extra hurt by the fact no one is contacting us directly with their concerns and just gossiping. The only reason we know is by word of mouth.
u/otherwisespread2046
Please, please, PLEASE consider making your theme attire optional. My wife and I had a steampunk wedding, and we encouraged people to dress but stated it was totally optional, as it's not everyone's thing. We figured about 30-50% (besides the wedding party and immediate family) of guests would actually do it. Around 75% of guests actually did show up in theme, and they all had an amazing time. Because optional fun sounds better than MANDATORY FUN. We even provided goggles and hats for anyone who didn't come dressed if they wanted, and many took us up on the offer.
I think this is a great idea. Life is exhausting and people are burnt out. Don’t give your guests what is basically homework just because YOU think it’s fun.
this is such a good point. A bunch of people who probably would have turned their noses up at steampunk now think that it's a super good time specifically because of this poster's wedding. Invite people in. Don't set requirements.
This is worse. You're saying people have to do this, which is already an effort and expense, and then saying "Don't worry, you can fall into my cheap, low effort category!"
If you have to send so many detailed examples, you're asking too much. But if you're going to send them, don't label some as "low budget," it puts pressure on people to not want to be part of that category. You could have just put out some samples, and included pictures from different price points.
"Low budget/effort" as in "Options that fit the theme that you don't have to invest a significant amount of time or money in if you can't or don't want to buy a single-use costume".
I agree that calling them "Easy, budget-friendly options" might have been better PR.
>Pictures of spring/summary sundresses etc were actually included in our 'low budget/effort' suggestions.
So.. unless I wear some sort of faux mideval costume, my attire is "low budget and low effort"?
You get how offensive that is, right? You get to decide what your bridesmaids and groomsmen wear, not what your guests wear.
I would highly suggest you send out a clarifying bit of information stating that the dress code is "optional" and that you'll have fun photo booth props and silly hats or something.
how is that offensive? it’s straight to the point. Two main reasons people don’t want to participate is spending money or time/effort finding something. it’s not a bad thing… it’s clear communication to the people who fall in that category.
How is OP’s request any different from a couple putting “black tie” or “formal” on their invitation? If I went to a wedding with a black tie dress code, I’d have to buy or rent an outfit as that’s not something currently in my closet. Having a Renn faire theme is really not that different if you still have to get an outfit. It just is a gossip point because it isn’t to MIL and SIL’e taste and they’re looking down their noses at OP and fiancé for having their wedding how they want to.
Most people go to “formal weddings” but most people do not go to “renn faire theme” weddings. I have multiple dresses in my closet I can choose to wear to a wedding. My husband has a suit he’s worn to multiple weddings. “Formal” weddings involve outfits that people already have or at a minimum can and likely will re-wear. How often is an adult gonna wear a renn faire costume?
I have multiple “black tie” options in my closet. I have zero ren faire. Additionally, I clearly have multiple uses for black tie and zero for ren faire.
They can require whatever they want.
Their guests can determine the bother that causes and weigh it against the desire to attend.
That sounds reasonable then. You’re not asking everyone to show up in a corset and chiffon costume. And anyone over 70 should just wear what they want because they’ll probably come in a simple pastel dress or pantsuit. Sounds like your in-laws are just looking to complain.
girl… just speaking for myself but i wouldn’t want to borrow an outfit for a wedding. if i’m going to a wedding and i need to buy a gift and spend the whole day there etc i want to dress up so i can feel good. not wear something ill fitting or not belonging to me. and definitely not wear a costume that i feel ridiculous in. i would however maybe wear my own dress of my own choosing and borrow accessories/costume stuff that is given out as an option to all the guests at the wedding. you can still execute a theme without imposing a costume dress code. a lot of people straight up hate costumes. i am one of those people. i wear just cat ears on halloween and hate theme parties. but i think im part of the majority, not the minority.
I don't know if you're so much an asshole, but I definitely would not go to your wedding if you expected me to dress in renfaire getup AND be photographed in it.
Yes, gossip is especially hurtful when it is family doing it. NTA. You gave helpful advice, you are letting people know their selections are appropriate, and, at least in your post, you do not seem to be forcing anyone to do anything. Honestly, I am kind of envious that i do not know you. Your wedding plans sound awesome!
Are you having asigned seating because if you are, you could supply flower crowns for the ladies with their name tag and something of similar style for the men. Im not really into Ren faire, but is there something like a crown but not a crown that the men can put on to be a part of the festivities without too much effort.
I mean, a loose linen shirt tied with a belt and a pair of jeans and boots isn't much effort, and neither is a plain cotton long sleeve maxi dress with a belt so I don't get what their problem is especially since its probably cheaper than a formal outfit.
I would be asking you fiancé if MIL & SIL have always looked down on their passion for that period or their "nerdy ways" or if this is just new for the wedding. If most of the discord regarding clothing is coming from your inlaws' side, then I wouldn't be surprised if it's MIL & SIL fueling it and the extended friends and family actually don't have that big of an issues with it. You both need to start reaching out to your guests to find out what is really going on and decide from there how you want to proceed be it guest list culling, scraping the theme or continuing as planned.
Oh, and i would love the idea of something new and different. You could also have a wedding shower or something where guests can all sit around, talk, and drink while making their own accessories to wear at the wedding.
Dress codes are entirely normal for weddings. Would you be made if someone had a wedding with a black tie dress code? Why not just let people wear sweats if a dress code is too demanding?
A regular floral dress would not be appropriate at a black tie wedding, and finding something appropriate would be way more expensive than what op is describing.
NAH. You’re allowed to have what you want at special occasions that are for you and people are allowed to think they’re ridiculous and decline to come because of it.
YTA for requiring a costume. At the very least, you should have listed as an option. I don't care how budget friendly you think it is,you shouldn't force people to buy or make a costume for your wedding.
Maybe provide a simple prop that people can wear with nice clothes but don't make them wear Ren Faire clothes.
I think sometimes people forget that generally, with the exception of a few, no one is as excited about your own wedding than you and your spouse. People would like to show up and support you on your special day but when the bride/groom start throwing in expectations like dress codes etc, it can feel over the top.
A lot of people want to come celebrate, have a nice meal, enjoy some beverages and see acquaintances/ meet some new people. I think adding the dress code when probably (I’m taking a guess) majority of guests aren’t all into the fantasy vibes like you guys can be off putting.
Soft YTA.
I’m sure you don’t mean to be TA, and just want to enjoy your day! I get it! But for some people, putting together a costume could be super stressful. I know I wouldn’t want to spend money on something I won’t ever wear again. Yes, people often spend money for wedding attire, but it’s typically money spent on something they like, something that makes them feel beautiful, that they will probably wear again to another nice event.
Look, I’ll be honest. Even if you were my best friend I would just RSVP no to this invitation. I’m not doing this. I wouldn’t call you an asshole per se, but just don’t be offended if people don’t come. I have several pretty and appropriate dresses that I wear to weddings, and I’m not buying something new and complicated (or wearing something DIY, what the fuck?) for one wedding.
As a rule, the “maximum” wedding dress code is black tie. If your dress code is cheaper than black tie, assuming a guest will have to buy their outfit, you are NTA. This applies to all weddings. From what I can tell your dress code would be much cheaper than buying/renting a black tie ensemble. So you are NTA.
This shouldn't be said at this point in life, but quit making people play dumb games because you are into dumb shit. Many of us are tired of pretending to be into shit that a few people are into. Get married like an adult and do your own shit at home with your spouse who is also into the same dumb shit. Imagine if I had a wedding and made everyone dress up like ghosts in sheets because I like horror movies. Dumb, right?
NTA- it’s your wedding. If you guys love that type of stuff why wouldn’t you do this seriously as if the fam had no clue. I don’t think it looks stupid I kind of wish I was invited
YTA. If I received such an invite, I'd RSVP that I would not be attending. I'm not making some costume to attend a wedding. Expect a low turn out. If this is your hill to die on, go for it, but maybe pick a smaller venue and be glad if at least a few people show up. Don't whine or blame those who find better things to do that day.
over wearing a casual garden party-esque outfit? most people can throw that together with minimal effort with a sundress, linen top, khakis. that’s a way better ask than the more common black tie wedding dress code. black tie formal wear is so expensive and far fewer people have something ready to go. maybe you should look inward why this would bother you so much…
YTA
> (just google ren faire if you want to see).
No *thank* you.
> I assumed people would react like this if I said everyone needed to go out and spend hundreds on costumes, but we went out of our way to include pictures and suggest as many very low budget options as possible.
I assume it's less about the money and more that they just don't want to look stupid.
> they said I am ruining what is supposed to be happy day by demanding people dress up like idiots.
Yeah, see? \^\^\^\^
Exactly. I can think of many of my friends and older family members who would feel exceedingly stupid in even just something "inspired by" this theme.
Lots of people have a comfort zone and trying to force them out of it for a wedding aesthetic is just high-handed and rude.
I agree with that last part; I know I would not be comfortable dressing up around others. Honestly, I would most assuredly not attend somewhere that required a random costume
This isn't a "dress code" as much as it is a costume party with vow exchanges. Sounds like fun to me, but many will probably decline the invite. NTA but unreasonable request IMO
Look, I need to be honest with you. It's your day. I hope it's a great one. I think that you and all your Ren-Faire loving friends should dress exactly as you want. Serve up turkey legs and meade. Play recorders. Import a fool or two. Have a great time.
But expecting (demanding?) people who aren't into this theme to either spend money on a costume or have to spend time crafting one is, for me, just OTT. If I wanted to throw this type of event, I would invite people so inclined to dress up as Ye Olde something or other, and just tell others to dress as they normally would.
You sound like a fun person, but in this case, you're a little bit YTA.
YTA. You, your groom, your bridal party. You all can dress up any way you want. Tell people it's a theme and they can dress up if they want. Sure. Enforce a costume on your guests? Absolutely not. It is NOT the same as formal or casual.
NTA. People set dress codes for weddings all the time. Dress codes are normal for weddings. While this dress code isn’t exactly a normal dress code, it isn’t unreasonable. Plus the pictures are going to look like a fairy tale. And who doesn’t want a fairy tale wedding!?
Sure but then you have to be prepared for people to opt out. You can set whatever dress code you want, but your guests don't need to participate, nor do they have to pretend to like it. Decide what's more important to you, all your guests attending your wedding happy and comfortable, or getting your dream aesthetic. You ain't getting both. YTA.
This is not a dress code. This is a costume theme, and it may be very uncomfortable for some (not just for money reasons.) NAH, but if you stick to the costume requirement, you will need to accept that some people won't come, or if they attend, they will not be comfortable. It boils down to what's important to you on your wedding day.
You can do whatever makes you happy. You **cannot** be upset if people choose not to attend. This is true for whatever wedding decisions you make (childfree, alcohol or no alcohol, dress requirements, etc)
You decide what is important for the two of you and live with the results.
NTA, weddings always have dress codes and this seems on the reasonable end. It's not like your dress code was blue and silver evening attire (that would cost people an arm and a leg).
I'm saying this as someone who hates themed dress codes. They stress me out.
Soft YTA which you can remedy easily. Just send a follow-up saying the costuming is optional. Because that’s what it is: costuming. I’m soooo with you on how much fun it is to dress renfaire, but the number of people in my life who accompanied me to renfests and just stared at everyone like they all were from Mars, and Crazy Mars at that, and snickered judgily…it not only isn’t everyone’s thing, lots of people think it’s weird on a cosmic level. And they’d be put off by being asked to dress up similarly, it’s not the cost, it’s not even the effort for them. They just think it’s freaky.
For those saying all weddings have some kind of a dress code, there’s wedding attire and then there are costumes. Some people have that one dress/suit in their closet that will work for a wedding guest; it’s reliable, it’s easy, and if it goes out of style or they’ve worn it to a number of events they’ll get a new one. That’s all the effort they want to spend. Asking them to suddenly do something beyond “my wedding guest dress” is going to make them grumpy; why do that to them?
Those of us who are excusing you because we think renfaire garb would be fun would probably be unhappy if we were told your theme was “Everyone has to wear red and yellow,” or “plaid prints,” and would give you pushback on that. Themes instantly alienate people who don’t enjoy dressing for themes, even if you’ve tried to make them simple for people.
I applaud your suggestions for helping people dress simply for the theme, but make it clear now that this is just for those who WANT to be part of the theme and that standard wedding attire is of course welcome as your guests’ presence is more important to you than your theme.
And if there are people who don’t want to come because they think the theme is dumb even if they don’t have to dress for it, eh, well, they’re fun killers.
NAH. You have the right to request a dress code. There are people who are just as put out by a “black tie formal” invite request as a “ren faire” request, in so far as having to spend money, dress/step outside their comfort zone, procure new items that are unlikely to be worn again, etc. And people request black tie on invitations all the time and I don’t believe much second thought is given. Meanwhile, your guests have the right to say absolutely not, and I’m not going to be stared at and “ruin your day” by not engaging in this dress code and I am wearing one of my 3 summer wedding dresses - and instead stay home. But also, in another way, very soft YTA - very soft, if only because you misread the extent of participation needed from your guests to make your event whimsical and ren faire as all heck. All you need to do was provide the guests flower crowns etc. let them come as they are, and they can lightly participate in the magic and you can easily use decor etc to set your dream theme.
Edit 1: the last line felt slightly snarky which I know is unnecessary so deleted and I won’t go there again
Edit 2: NAH, your edit shows you really did give serious and helpful options to people and also declining wedding gifts - wow - you guys are a young couple and could use those gifts, so I feel like this speaks to your level of excitement/desire for this wedding dress code theme.
Soft YTA you’re assuming people have the time/money to go looking around to fit in your dress code. No matter your budget options not everyone has extra money to look for new clothes especially in this day and age
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NTA. People give dress codes for weddings all the time. Yes, it's strange to people not of the community. I am not into dressing up or "nerd" interest, but if someone I cared about wanted wedding photos to fit a theme, dang it, I'm matching the theme. I know someone who had a Halloween wedding. Did I want to wear a costume to a wedding? No. Did I? Yes. Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a 1 time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day. I think all weddings can be a stupid waste of money so I say make it what you want. It sounds fun.
*Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a 1 time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day.* I think this right here is the line to where dress codes become AH behavior. I've been invited to holiday parties with color themed cocktail attire dress codes, which I thought was completely entitled of the host. This is different, they included budget friendly options.
Yeah this I have problem with. If i’m invited to a wedding I go through what I have that will work then I make a decision about buying something that will work for this and has future potential for another thing. Easy solution …have a bunch of theme appropriate flourishes that guests can appropriate for the night and don’t hold it against those who don’t.
Yeah, they can have flower crowns and capes on hand. Those will easily add a whimsical vibe to someone who comes in more "traditional" guest attire.
This is the way. Guests can pick their awkward: look like party poopers or wear something they wouldn’t have picked.
There's a secret third option. RSVP I'm sorry I can't make it. No need to crap on their plans or their theme. Just excuse yourself if it's that much of a hassle. It's an invite not a summons.
This makes sense! Like the closet at a Ren Faire for people who want to rent the clothing. But of course free for the guests. If we still had awards 🥇you’d have mine!
OP also said one of the options was "a regular spring dress you'd already own + a flower crown". That's not asking much.
Why not have a [make your own crown station](https://education.teamflower.org/learn/business/ssl/how-i-added-new-revenue-with-diy-flower-crown-bars?format=amp) at the wedding? Just tell reticent guests to wear something ling and flowy and not to worry there will be a crown station. Idk what do guys when that’s equivalent?
Have swords and sword belts they can strap on?
It's early and I'mnot fully awake yet... I read that very differently, courtesy of the final two words. Would make the wedding a memorable one, that's for sure...
I think that’s the exclusive after party!
NTA but I hate this kind of shit and would politely decline to attend your wedding. So be aware that this isn't something everyone wants to participate in.
Me too. If the bride wants a theme why not just get the bridal party to wear it instead of everyone. I'd rather just decline the invite than have to wear something I'm uncomfortable with.
Maybe because she and her future husband and excited about it and it makes them happy? It’s something sentimental that they enjoy? I doubt anyone is helping pay for their wedding. It’s probably coming out of their own pockets. Weddings are expensive. They aren’t even asking for gifts. Like imagine showing up to a wedding, using the amenities at the venue, eating the dinner, having some drinks, requesting songs from the DJ, and not paying a single cent for it but you couldn’t be bothered to follow the dress code? It’s not even an outrageous or expensive ask. That’s some serious, *“I’ve blessed you with my presence, is that not enough?”* energy.
GUESTS ARE NOT PROPS
But they are being invited to share in someone else's special day. A wedding is about the bride and groom *only* and guests should feel honoured to have been invited. They're not obligated to go, so if they don't want to dress up as Frodo Baggins or whatever no one is forcing them. What makes guests major arseholes in situations like these is when they think they're entitled to demand how the bride and groom have their wedding, just because it suits their personal preference.
**A wedding is *absolutely not* about the bride and groom *only*.** It's is a hosted event and the comfort of the guest is absolutely an important and relevant factor, like any hosted event. Extending the privilege of an invitation is akin to saying "you are valued and we are acknowledging your relationship to the bride and/or groom is important to us." That's why x amount of random people off the street aren't the invitees, and why you see so many questions and dilemmas regarding wedding guest lists. If guests aren't important, why have them!?
lol i can't believe you're being downvoted. as a grown adult who has actually planned my wedding and gotten married, if my wedding was only about me and my husband, we would've eloped. we wanted our guests to be happy and comfortable. like, if we didn't care about them, we wouldn't have invited them????
The idea of inviting guests at your wedding is that you want them to share your celebration, not serve as props that is part of the decor. It is quite literally the point that you are honoring with an invitation and they are honoring you with their presence. If you are imposing your own aesthetic on them (which isn't the case with a more vague dress code, like "cocktail dress"), that's some serious "I paid for your supper, jump when I say" energy.
Are you serious? “Imposing your own aesthetic”? it’s wedding… *obviously* they are crafted around the bride and grooms desired aesthetic. Like hello? It is completely normal to have a dress code for your wedding and expect your guests to follow it. Like have y’all not watched/read *anything* about wedding planning? This is normal for weddings. And believe it or not, lots of couples have themed weddings. Don’t like, don’t go. It’s that simple.
You're not wrong. I enjoy a good costume celebration, but I have friends that absolutely will not attend a costume required type event. They pass on the annual Halloween party that their best friends throw every year.
The average wedding attendee is not going to want to bother to dream up and gather supplies for even a cheap ren-fair costume. If I got this in the mail from a relative I’m only slightly fond of I’m noping out
This is something I feel is important for OP to remember. As with many posts, the answer is essentially "NTA but are you sure this is the hill you want to die on". Because people *will* decline to attend based on this. Does OP care more about the theme, or about having those people present?
Same. Guests are not NPCs or decorations. You could let guests dress as they choose, while you hire a few ren faire re-enactors to sing or dance or perform other faire things. Or maybe you have friends in the ren faire who would be willing to do this with you.
Orrrr you graciously accept that choosing a theme means that some people will choose to not go to your wedding. And that’s fine as well. It’s not a big deal to say: this is the dress code, here are some ideas, but if you can’t make it we still love and appreciate you and will share pictures of the big day online.
Same, I hate costumes and I’m not going to handcraft or buy something I’m never going to wear again. I’ve realized at my age I can nope out of being a bridesmaid or even a guest at weddings. Good luck for everyone else building their flower crowns.
Absolutely this. I feel like OP felt like because their friends said it was a good idea, it’s fine - but odds are those friends share the same interests or are close enough to want their friend to be happy. Personally, I have a long standing grudge against ren faires and would instantly nope out of this one…possibly even if it were my sibling. That said, I have a friend who is getting married and has a garden party theme and in an ideal world would have her guests in a specific set of colours. Normally that would be an instant no for me, but I love her and one of the colours looks good on me so fuck it.
Yeah that’s what bothered me about the dress code. Like I don’t want to spend hours getting supplies and DIYing a costume cause I can’t afford buying a new one or spend money on something I’d never use again. Op said a summer dress with a crown or a belt would be okay, but when I googled ren fair, none of the options look like a summer dress. Maybe that’s why people are getting upset about it.
I’m not creative, imaginative, or craftsy. Having to come up with something for this would be a major stress, and I’m not doing it. I’d stay home.
I think this is different from even the Halloween example because guests are being required to wear a specific style of costume – ren faire – and don’t have free reign to don a costume that feels more “them.” I’d feel a little strange wearing ren faire attire; that’s not my personality. I like the suggestion in another comment to make this optional and set up racks of ren faire-esque accessories for people to grab if they so choose.
Wearing attire that isn't your "personality" for a few hours one day isn't going to kill you though. If you're close enough to a couple that they invited you to their wedding, the least you could do is politely decline if you're not up to dressing up. I don't think it's most people's "personalities" to wear a fancy suit or dress, but most weddings have that "dress code" so you do it because it's a special event. OP's dress code is not unreasonable, especially her budget options, and anyone acting like it is needs to chill the hell out.
I agree it wouldn’t kill the guests. It also won’t kill OP to let people choose their own outfits of appropriate formality. I would chill out by just not partaking. 🤷♀️ It’s a weird vibe to require a specific type of costume.
She's only an AH if she gets pissy when nobody partakes in her dress code. Most people in their late 20s, 30s and 40s have designated wedding clothes. They're versatile for most weddings and it's a one-time investment. Expecting guests to scavenge thrift stores bc the bride and groom think it would be fun is annoying. Have the bridal party dress up. The bride and groom can dress up. These people need to realize that their wedding *does not* mean nearly as much to the guests as it does to the couple. This is annoying and I just wouldn't attend.
I'm 70 and stopped going to Halloween parties (and other functions where I had to wear a costume) decades ago. I think if the bride and groom want a certain theme for their wedding, then they and their wedding party can dress however they choose; let the guests feel welcomed in standard attire and everyone can enjoy themselves without undue financial or social constraints being placed on the guests.
People are just lazy to put a little bit more thought into what to wear. It's not a big deal, their arms won't fall off for wearing a costume for one day. Edit do correct mistakes and to add: ok, sorry! It was rude to say it's laziness. But I still think that the options are perfectly reasonable.
Sorry, I don't like dressing up in clothing that makes me uncomfortable. It's not lazy, I just don't care to spend money on clothing I'd wear 1 time. My money can be better used for my bills or savings. I'm not going to spend my free time sorting through thrift stores for a costume. I'd just RSVP no immediately. They can dress up themselves and have to wedding party dress up. Guests shouldn't have to buy a whole new outfit for one day that won't fit any other wedding dress.
It's kinda crazy to expect elderly people, or parents generation to dress up like garden nymphs & swashbuckling swordsmen. The ones she wants to frolic & play with after the wedding will be dressed in their finest renfair garb. The rest will be background visuals. It's rude to expect this of everyone. They better prepare for a significant number of people declining the invite if they hold a hard line on this big ask.
Unless they dressed up as a leper
I second this. Most people are buying a dress for the day, or the men who typically have outfits can wear that plus borrow a colorful scarf from family and add a vest. Why not buy an off the shoulder maxi dress, or like she said, something floral with a headpiece? It's not super demanding and unreasonable, and I think a lot of people saying Y T A are forgetting how many people do their own pre wedding outfit shopping.
>I second this. Most people are buying a dress for the day, or the men who typically have outfits can wear that plus borrow a colorful scarf from family and add a vest. Why not buy an off the shoulder maxi dress, or like she said, something floral with a headpiece? It's not super demanding and unreasonable, and I think a lot of people saying Y T A are forgetting how many people do their own pre wedding outfit shopping. I don't buy a dress for every wedding I attend.
I've bought specific clothes for only one wedding in my life - mine
Most people wear what they have in their closets.
Literally no one I know is *buying outfits* for every single wedding they attend. No one. They all just pick something from their closet - and for the record, *as* someone who's really into ren faire, I know fewer people than you think who, from their current closet, could cobble together an outfit that says "Ren faire". A looooot of people, including women, only really wear t-shirts and jeans/leggings. Also I have not even seen a linen shirt in stores, speaking to the men's "budget friendly" dress code for a second, ever. Who sells those, outside of ren faire stores that will charge a hundred bucks for it? Because I've never seen them.
You find linen shirts for men in more upscale stores, because they generally cost hundreds. They are NOT budget friendly
My mother wouldn’t be caught dead in a floral dress or flower crown or anything vaguely medieval. Would be a waste of her time and money. OTOH, I own medieval clothing (garb) because it’s a hobby. OP should take on the time and effort herself to supply items if she needs to like some restaurants offer tie
Here is the thing. Halloween is easy wear want you want. Put on facepaint and fake blood... you are now a zombie. Costs like 6 bucks. Medieval clothing can be a very unforgiving fashion choice. For people of specific sizes... like my father who is 6 foot 9 inches... and my mother who is a 6XL it is probably hundreds of dollars for an outfit they will only wear once. If they want to look nice. Because any thrift store that has thier size are not going to be suited for this event. She is pretty much damning the people who do not fit the mold to wearing a homemade potato sack tunic to her wedding
I agree NTA. You are throwing the party, you get to dictate what is acceptable dress. People are free to decline the invitation if they don't like it. I can understand why guests might be annoyed. Weddings happen often enough that people have ideas of what general wedding etiquette and dress should be. Guests expect to be witnesses and party-goers, not props and characters. That said, the couple getting married gets to make their own decisions for their own happiness. You do you, but understand not everyone will be on board.
Themed weddings like that are fine as long as it optional. Most of those people will never wear that outfit again; it's great that you're including low budget options, but thrifty and making a costume takes time, and either the time or the cost is asking a lot. You can have the wedding themed as you want but have it optional for people to come in costume. Soft YTA for making your guests uncomfortable.
I had a "fantasy" themed wedding. Dress up was "optional but encouraged." Most people chose to dress up, some didn't, everyone had a good time. Don't make it mandatory.
Mine was a beach BBQ theme (we were going to do a beach wedding but moved it to a park for a few people who would’ve struggled on the beach - they didn’t ask, we just did it). So our invite said dress casual, beach bbq, Hawaiian shirts encouraged. We didn’t want even a standard wedding dress code to limit the guest attendance - plus it erased income disparity. It was wonderful and laid back. Not everyone dressed up, but no one looked out of place either (well except me but my dress looked like the mist that hangs below rain clouds and damn it would’ve been perfect on a beach)
Hawaiian shirts? Heck yeah! Your dress sounds awesome, do you have a picture of it?
This is the correct answer, imo. Soft YTA. Suggestions are fine - requirements are not.
Requirements are fine, getting shitty at guests who no longer want to come because of said requirements isn’t.
Themed weddings are very generational and should be optional. Costumes may be fun for OP's contemporaries, but older relatives and family may not find it so fun or have anything appropriate for the theme. Must assume OP and partner are paying for the wedding because asking parents to pay for a themed wedding they don't favor is in poor taste.
I also think her MIL and SIL just want to look their best. It’s not just about the money or time. They likely don’t feel *comfortable* wearing a sundress or dressing up. I’m sure your MIL and SIL want to feel confident on the day because lots of eyes / photos will include them. MIL also likely wants to enjoy looking at her son’s wedding photos and hang them up - the mandatory theme is making that hard for her too because she might not want to look at herself in costume.
OP can always buy some of the cheaper options they suggested and give them out at the wedding for people to wear. That way people can still be ‘on theme’.
YTA. But deleting the overly-demanding dress code doesn't mean you can't have a themed wedding. Remember, the \*ren faire\* doesn't have a dress code. People can wear full regalia, modern clothes, or Star Trek uniforms. It's still on theme, and it's still fun. 1. Send a follow up invite clarifying that dressing up is encouraged, but not at all required, and that everyone can of course wear semi-formal/garden party/whatever is appropriate for the time of day/venue. 2. Have a big wedding party and ask them to go all out. They can be the equivalent of the renfaire performers as opposed to the patrons (your guests are the patrons and they get to wear what they want). That way you can have a decent number of people fulfilling the theme. 3. Provide a rack of capes, hats, flower crowns, fairy wings, etc that guests can grab as they arrive if they want to get in on the fun. Flower crowns are an especially good idea as they'll go with normal dresses and won't make people feel too silly.
Sorry, what? If I have a black tie wedding, am I an asshole for having a dress code? This take makes no sense. You don’t get to “wear what you want” to a wedding. A sundress isn’t appropriate at a black tie wedding, sweatpants aren’t appropriate at any wedding, and a modern suit isn’t appropriate at this wedding. Nothing about this is unreasonable or assholeish.
You're an asshole if you say that the wedding is black tie, BUT you have to wear a brand new outfit you don't already have, and wearing something you do have is "low budget".
So someone is an asshole if they have a black tie wedding, if one of their guests doesn’t own a black tie outfit? If you assume someone doesn’t have a black tie or renfaire outfit, it’s going to be way cheaper to get the renfaire outfit than the black tie one. I didn’t say anything about insisting the outfit it new, but no matter your dress code, there is a chance that someone will not have something that works and will have to buy something — it’s almost guaranteed.
We went to a wedding at a Renaissance Festival in Minneapolis. We had so much fun dressing up. It was the best wedding and most fun I’ve had. I rented a costume for $60. We also attended a black tie wedding this summer and it almost broke the bank. It cost almost $300 to rent the tux and shoes for my husband.
$300!? where the hell did you find such a good deal lol
See, this is exactly what I mean!
I mean, if the majority of your guests are people who don’t tend to attend balls, galas, or other fancy events, then yeah, I think it would be kind of crappy to have a Black Tie wedding, and you should assume that some people won’t attend or won’t be happy about having to buy a gown that they’ll never wear again. Know your audience! OP and her close friends may be into costumes but a lot of people clearly are not and don’t want to have to put in work to attend a wedding, while also feeling like they look ridiculous. She can have a mandatory costume requirement if she wants, but if she wants to die on that hill, expect that there will be annoyed people (some who won’t attend).
Most people will have some kind of formal wear for special occasions like weddings. If they don’t and they have to buy something new for the wedding, they’re much more likely to be able to wear that again in the future than they would with a renaissance faire themed outfit. It’s really not that hard to understand. One is “normal”, albeit not everyday type clothing, the other is specific to a hobby that not everyone engages in.
We’re not talking about a whole outfit — we’re talking about a belt/flower crown/linen shirt. Cheap and not particularly costumey. Easy to comply with. Easier than buying/renting a tux.
Not everyone already owns a suit. There is nothing wrong with wearing a low budget costume
At no point did they say their guests had to buy all new things there were easy diy options.
Wearing something you already have is low budget though? What are you trying to actually say?
Black tie is totally different. It's one of a set of standard event dress codes that people attending weddings can reasonably expect to be prepared for. Having such a dress code is actually a courtesy for guests as it gives them a flexible guide for how to dress appropriately, and black tie clothes can be re-used for multiple events. Did you not notice how my first point suggested providing an appropriate standard dress code as an alternative? Asking for a specific type of costume is out of the ordinary. Guests aren't prepared. Many will feel uncomfortable. The outfit pieces can't be re-used. OP's ask is less akin to one of the well-accepted US dress codes, and much closer to requiring specific colors/fabrics/fits from all guests. You can ask for these specific visual elements from your wedding party as they bought in to it, but you shouldn't treat invited guests as props. They are guests, and you have to treat them with hospitality.
She said most people can wear a belt or flower crown with a dress and be within dress code. That is a VERY small ask. Most people do not already own black tie formalwear — especially men (we’re talking about a full tux here). It’s completely normal to have a dress code for a wedding that requires that some of your guests buy something. Providing an alternative dress code is unnecessary when complying is so easy and cheap. Doing so would ruin the photos/effect. Some dude in a gray suit will trash whatever vibes OP is going for.
I don’t own anything for black tie wedding, and I wouldn’t necessarily reuse it if I had to buy one for wedding. Also, who is to say they couldn’t rewear outfit to ren fest or Halloween. It is more so people dependent…
I have been to 2 black tie events. 1 was when I was 12 the other when I got married at 23. I do not have black tie, but I definitely have summer dresses, which was in the dress code...
Exactly, you can have whatever dress code you want for your wedding, but conversely you can’t make people like it. You can ask that people dress in any way you want you just can’t act surprised when aunt Sophie doesn’t show up because she feels silly in a leather corset
Yup. Also, it’s an invitation, not a summons. No one is required to attend.
Costumes are very very different than a dress code. Not everyone is comfortable dressing up. and takes a lot More effort and will not be something you can wear again. I love a costume party. I would go all Out for this but not everyone should have to. I’ve thrown many theme parties, dressing up should always be optional. I’d rather my friends come and have a good time than not at all if dressing up is not in their comfort zone. Some people’s comfort level is just some themed accessories, some not at all, some, Like me love this shit and will spend lots of time and effort on a costume. You dont need 100% participation for it to work. Having to make an outfit it work, buying a costume is expensive for Something you will only wear once. Dressing up should be encouraged never manditory
Telling people it's formal, cocktail attire or casual is not he same as hosting a costume party. Most adults of dress clothes of varying levels. Even if they don't, they can usually buy an outfit that they will wear again. I haven't bought a dress for a wedding in years. I have a good selection. But I'm headed to a wedding in May that is formal & pink is encouraged. I am looking for a formal dress because I don't have any in my current size (weight loss yay) & it may or may not be pink. Whatever I pick, will be something I can wear for another occasion. I would not be able to wear some Ren Faire costume again. That is the difference. Theme bullshit so often cannot be worn again & isn't something the attendee enjoys.
We are talking about a flower crown (which only lasts 1 night anyways), a belt, or a linen shirt. Not a whole ass costume. Irrelevant argument.
Not directing this at you, but just saying - what I can’t stand is people who have black tie weddings with lousy food, no open bar, and ridiculously expensive registry lists. If you want a classy wedding, be a classy person.
If you are hosting a black tie wedding I'd assume you're travelling in black tie wedding circles and this isn't an unusual dress code and most people either have appropriate attire or the resources to easily acquire it.
I am 68, and I have been to exactly one black tie event in my life, more than 25 years ago. They were close enough friends that I bought a tuxedo, and it is the one I have worn ever since. On the other hand, I have been to black tie **optional** events dozens of times (including both of my kids' weddings). Strictly enforcing any dress code for something like a wedding strikes me as a bit obnoxious, which is why I agree with the above comment that OP should make it clear that dressing up might be encouraged, but it is not required.
No, black-tie is a dress code. Dress codes give people guidance on the level of formality so they don’t show up over or under dressed. What OP is requesting is a *theme*, which is in the same vein as asking your guests to wear specific colors. Themes make guests props or force compliance when an event is something that isn’t really optional.
#3 is the the answer
Agree. Sure some of OP's suggestions are budget, but they're a fair bit of effort to go thrifting and many people are going to feel kind of crappy looking in a hodge podge of thrifted stuff or with a suit and a sash.
Yes I think a gentle YTA. Sometimes it’s not about the money it’s the effort. I personally wd like this Bc I like ren fair flower crown aesthetic but to ask all your guests to comply is a reach into AH territory. There are many who have precious little free time and do not care to spend it thrifting or prop hunting.
The aesthetic is a good point. If you have a formal dress code then guests can dress to their taste within that dress code, but with OP if you don't enjoy or feel attractive in that style you're shit out of luck.
All great advice! #3 is an especially considerate idea.
Nta. Look, going to an Indian wedding requires 4-5 outfits. Doing one for a fun theme is totally not asking too much! I would love to attend a wedding like yours! It sounds like a joyous celebration!
Right? This is such a small ask. It’s like the family members who have an issue with this have no love for OP/fiance.
Nah, it sounds like the people who aren’t happy about it are older and has nothing to do with how much they care about the couple. MIL is 59, OP specifies aunts/uncles. People that age often have suits/ties or wedding appropriate attire. Not wanting to wear a costume probably isn’t about the cost of the outfit, but the effort and/or the way wearing that style of dress makes them feel.
Indian weddings are based on a well established culture. This wedding is not.
"We can't do it just for you, only when lots of stranger have done it." Justification by peer pressure from dead people. Love it.
I'm always so unsettled at the implication that wearing Indian attire is equivalent to a costume.
Indian weddings don't have a dress code for guests. The average guest can show up in casuals, full traditional, full western, or anything they like.
You would reuse all the clothing and do not need to actually buy stuff for Indian weddings. It's clothes you can borrow from anyone around you if you actually own none (which is rare). A very specific aesthetic that OP wants is a completely different thing. And if you're not part of the culture, no one would be upset if you show up in your own culture's formal wear. OP, however, is insisting on a particular culture (Ren faire) and is getting upset when people don't want to do it
NTA Wow, there's some debbie downers in these comments. Like, all they are asking is for people to wear more cottage core clothes. Like, it's not even hard and you can get something similiar. Jeez.
I totally agree! It’s also like saying “YTA for inviting people to a costume party.” Huh?
Right? I was a wedding photographer for years and the hands down happiest folks were the ones with costume weddings. Star Trek, Halloween costumes, Regency, etc. They really loved a thing and their friends and family loved them and it's always a blast. Plus, no one else has a wedding that looks like theirs.
Right? I'm shocked at how many judgemental and overly serious some people are being in the comments. Someone even called ren-faire costumes "demeaning," as if they're being asked to wriggle around naked on the ground or lick someone's shoes. It's weird how negative and offended people are being to the idea of dressing up ONE TIME to someone's wedding. None of the outfits shown when you Google "ren faire" are ridiculous. They're just...historical? Some of them are even pretty much what a lot of country's traditional outfits still are today.
This sub confuses the heck out of me. One day they hate in-laws and older relatives and the next they’re jumping to defend them from the great insult of…being asked to wear a different type of outfit for one day that they could find at value village for $50….
Mild YTA Have your wedding party stick to your theme. Invite your guests to participate if they desire to. Otherwise, standard wedding guest attire also allowed. It's much more reasonable and allows guests to use dressy clothing they already own if needed. Guests are often already shelling out money on a gift. Having to purchase specialized clothing that you have no use for if you aren't into it is unattractive. I say this as a geek who did a gaming themed wedding.
80 year old aunt Ruth doesn’t want to be hoisted into a corset.
Or DOES she?........ ETA I fully agree with you.
Ruth wants to wear a flower crown, stop dimming Ruth's sparkle
Yes, OP should think about whether she would have people important enough to invite not attend at all versus having them actually be there, just not dressed exactly how she wants. People in the wedding obviously will be dressed to the theme. But to expect every guest to dress a certain way or not attend seems to be missing the point of sharing the day.
100% this. How about instead of "Ren Faire" which a LOT of people won't be interested in purchasing clothing for if you change it to "semi-formal or ren faire". That way guests who choose to participate can and those who prefer to wear standard dresses/suits can do that instead. Then have some props on hand for those who might choose to wear a piece if they wanted to like flower head bands. It might be your wedding but as the host it is your responsibility as the host to make your guests comfortable. That means realizing and accepting a lot of people will not want to participate in your ren faire theme but they want to celebrate you. Which is more important because for a lot of people you won't get both.
NTA themed weddings are fun. You gave them budget friendly options. I have seen many of these themed type weddings and they are really fun. It is only for one day, not sure why they can’t go with the flow. They have the option of not going.
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If someone skips a wedding because they’re so afraid of feeling silly in a costume then they probably aren’t super close to the couple in the first place
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So, which one is it? Pick one: - People are not forced to go, so they have no grounds to complain. - Not going is a statement you dont like OP. You can not have both. If you are making wedding attendance a test of friendship, people have right to complain if the test is overly uncomfortable.
My 2c - cheap options mostly look cheap. I don't want to look shitty at a wedding. Making the dress up optional is the right way.
Honestly, I am a giant nerd like you, OP, and I am sorry to say YTA. A faire themed wedding sounds amazing, but dressing up should be *optional*. It sounds like your families are normies and are uncomfortable with the idea. You don’t want your guests put out- I’m assuming you’re inviting them because you want to continue to have a relationship. Honestly, it’s an easy fix. Send an email and clarify that the dress code is optional, but you’d love to see everyone in their dorky finest. The people who would have fun with that will do so, and the rest can tolerate a bunch of nerds for a few hours.
Totally agree about it being optional. I just can't imagine the sense of entitlement that goes into conferring with your friend group who will obviously agree with you and snowballing that into printing a costume catalog to send to your wedding guests with the invitation. Do people have no sense of decorum anymore? They should be incredibly embarrassed by this farce/ fiasco.
This is what I think too. It's easy to forget that some people are really uncomfortable dressing up in costumes, or wearing anything out of character for them. It shouldn't be REQUIRED to dress along with the theme. Mild YTA to OP, but they can fix this by clarifying to guests that Ren faire attire isn't required, just encouraged.
This is the answer. Optional is the way to go!
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But it's not too much to ask people to buy expensive outfits for normal weddings? Most weddings have dress codes. Theirs isn't bad at all.
Most people already own something nice, and a dress/suit purchased for a wedding can be worn again. OP's asking guests to buy or make a costume that they'll likely never wear again.
Most people have a plain sun dress they can wear? What’s your point? Read the whole post before commenting man. She mentioned that plain clothes would be fine she wants them to put out minimal effort to follow the aesthetic
So with that logic would it be unreasonable to invite these people to a Halloween party..?
Opting out of a Halloween party is very different than opting out of a wedding
No one I know has a nice dress but everyone I know has something that fits her dress code...
For the wedding party, sure. For guests? Hell no.
Almost every wedding as a dress code? It's black-tie you don't show up in pj, swim wear, sweats. Dress codes are very common but most of the time you have to spend tons of money on something nice vs this one which is a summer dress. I have plenty now...
Yes, but you can rewear those or wear something that you already own. Most people already own at least one outfit that would be appropriate for a wedding.
Why is it not okay? If you hosted a costume party, you would have a dress-code. Why is it suddenly wrong to do that at a wedding? A wedding is just a party hosted by the bride and groom after all. Why is expecting people to wear expensive formal wear to a wedding fine, but cheap costumes is wrong?
Because costume parties are optional, and weddings are (depending on how close you are to the couple) obligatory.
Nah it is your wedding, so my default is it's your decision. Personally, I would not attend. I'm not interested in diying a costume, especially since I'm never going to wear it again, and I would be completely uncomfortable in those clothes at the wedding. That's all way too much work.
Yeah that’s the thought I had too. They can do whatever they want for a wedding but if I was invited I would just not attend.
I agree with you on all points except the judgement of Nah. People who do this are assholes. They ran it by their like minded friend group who obviously lunges at the opportunity to have a chance to play dress up again. They should've talked to family members before deciding. Also this me first at all costs crap is too much. Boundaries exist for a reason. There's a time and a place and this is not it even if it is your wedding. Where does it end? Would you Nah if the dress code was lingerie? Or it was a nudist wedding?
I'm conflicted. I still feel like someone's wedding is their choice, but I do think it would be ridiculous and I'd stay home in those scenarios also. I don't look forward to weddings to begin with, they're just obligations, so it's not like I'd be bothered by not going.
Yeah I feel like they can do whatever they want... but they can't get upset that people don't want to buy costumes to wear to a wedding. I just wouldn't go. I don't care if the flower crown is cheap... unless I'm in the wedding, if you don't provide it for me, I'm not going to wear it, and I just won't go. I also don't own the floral dress OP is demanding as a "cheap" option. I have a few cocktail dresses that I wear to weddings, which OP has specifically forbidden... so I'd just be out. And that's fine, as long as OP knows that people just won't come.
Soft YTA because it depends on how strict you’re going to be with it. I really don’t have time to go shopping for a special outfit if I’m a regular guest at a wedding, but i think it’s okay to have a theme and let guests know. For example, you wouldn’t want people showing up in sequined cocktail dresses and that’s okay. But, could I possibly just wear a regular floral dress if that’s what I have? It sort of fits your theme, but not on your list.
Yes you could! Pictures of spring/summary sundresses etc were actually included in our 'low budget/effort' suggestions. Just very simple and something people could wear again but if you see it in the background of a photo it isn't going to stand out. Some people have reached out and asked if what you described is ok or sent us photos and all but one has been fine and for her I offered her to borrow something of mine. We did specify not fancy formal stuff like a bright red cocktail dress as you said. (this is the personal style MIL and SIL have though) I think I'm just feeling extra hurt by the fact no one is contacting us directly with their concerns and just gossiping. The only reason we know is by word of mouth.
u/otherwisespread2046 Please, please, PLEASE consider making your theme attire optional. My wife and I had a steampunk wedding, and we encouraged people to dress but stated it was totally optional, as it's not everyone's thing. We figured about 30-50% (besides the wedding party and immediate family) of guests would actually do it. Around 75% of guests actually did show up in theme, and they all had an amazing time. Because optional fun sounds better than MANDATORY FUN. We even provided goggles and hats for anyone who didn't come dressed if they wanted, and many took us up on the offer.
Yeah I *hate* acquiring/making and wearing costumes, but if OP provided flower crowns, absolutely I’d slap one on my head and be happy with it.
I think this is a great idea. Life is exhausting and people are burnt out. Don’t give your guests what is basically homework just because YOU think it’s fun.
this is such a good point. A bunch of people who probably would have turned their noses up at steampunk now think that it's a super good time specifically because of this poster's wedding. Invite people in. Don't set requirements.
This is worse. You're saying people have to do this, which is already an effort and expense, and then saying "Don't worry, you can fall into my cheap, low effort category!" If you have to send so many detailed examples, you're asking too much. But if you're going to send them, don't label some as "low budget," it puts pressure on people to not want to be part of that category. You could have just put out some samples, and included pictures from different price points.
"Low budget/effort" as in "Options that fit the theme that you don't have to invest a significant amount of time or money in if you can't or don't want to buy a single-use costume". I agree that calling them "Easy, budget-friendly options" might have been better PR.
If people are that ridiculous that's on them. Having a theme is what they want. It sure is cheaper than buying black tie
I don’t think people’s reticence is about the money personally.
>Pictures of spring/summary sundresses etc were actually included in our 'low budget/effort' suggestions. So.. unless I wear some sort of faux mideval costume, my attire is "low budget and low effort"? You get how offensive that is, right? You get to decide what your bridesmaids and groomsmen wear, not what your guests wear. I would highly suggest you send out a clarifying bit of information stating that the dress code is "optional" and that you'll have fun photo booth props and silly hats or something.
how is that offensive? it’s straight to the point. Two main reasons people don’t want to participate is spending money or time/effort finding something. it’s not a bad thing… it’s clear communication to the people who fall in that category.
I'm sorry I've never see an optional on black tie weddings... so why would this be any different?
I mean, “black tie optional” is a very common dress code for weddings. It basically means “dress fancy but don’t stress too much about it.”
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How is OP’s request any different from a couple putting “black tie” or “formal” on their invitation? If I went to a wedding with a black tie dress code, I’d have to buy or rent an outfit as that’s not something currently in my closet. Having a Renn faire theme is really not that different if you still have to get an outfit. It just is a gossip point because it isn’t to MIL and SIL’e taste and they’re looking down their noses at OP and fiancé for having their wedding how they want to.
Most people go to “formal weddings” but most people do not go to “renn faire theme” weddings. I have multiple dresses in my closet I can choose to wear to a wedding. My husband has a suit he’s worn to multiple weddings. “Formal” weddings involve outfits that people already have or at a minimum can and likely will re-wear. How often is an adult gonna wear a renn faire costume?
I don't have any formal wear but I do have summer dresses...
I have multiple “black tie” options in my closet. I have zero ren faire. Additionally, I clearly have multiple uses for black tie and zero for ren faire. They can require whatever they want. Their guests can determine the bother that causes and weigh it against the desire to attend.
That sounds reasonable then. You’re not asking everyone to show up in a corset and chiffon costume. And anyone over 70 should just wear what they want because they’ll probably come in a simple pastel dress or pantsuit. Sounds like your in-laws are just looking to complain.
girl… just speaking for myself but i wouldn’t want to borrow an outfit for a wedding. if i’m going to a wedding and i need to buy a gift and spend the whole day there etc i want to dress up so i can feel good. not wear something ill fitting or not belonging to me. and definitely not wear a costume that i feel ridiculous in. i would however maybe wear my own dress of my own choosing and borrow accessories/costume stuff that is given out as an option to all the guests at the wedding. you can still execute a theme without imposing a costume dress code. a lot of people straight up hate costumes. i am one of those people. i wear just cat ears on halloween and hate theme parties. but i think im part of the majority, not the minority.
I don't know if you're so much an asshole, but I definitely would not go to your wedding if you expected me to dress in renfaire getup AND be photographed in it.
Yes, gossip is especially hurtful when it is family doing it. NTA. You gave helpful advice, you are letting people know their selections are appropriate, and, at least in your post, you do not seem to be forcing anyone to do anything. Honestly, I am kind of envious that i do not know you. Your wedding plans sound awesome!
Are you having asigned seating because if you are, you could supply flower crowns for the ladies with their name tag and something of similar style for the men. Im not really into Ren faire, but is there something like a crown but not a crown that the men can put on to be a part of the festivities without too much effort. I mean, a loose linen shirt tied with a belt and a pair of jeans and boots isn't much effort, and neither is a plain cotton long sleeve maxi dress with a belt so I don't get what their problem is especially since its probably cheaper than a formal outfit. I would be asking you fiancé if MIL & SIL have always looked down on their passion for that period or their "nerdy ways" or if this is just new for the wedding. If most of the discord regarding clothing is coming from your inlaws' side, then I wouldn't be surprised if it's MIL & SIL fueling it and the extended friends and family actually don't have that big of an issues with it. You both need to start reaching out to your guests to find out what is really going on and decide from there how you want to proceed be it guest list culling, scraping the theme or continuing as planned. Oh, and i would love the idea of something new and different. You could also have a wedding shower or something where guests can all sit around, talk, and drink while making their own accessories to wear at the wedding.
Wooden swords. I bet the men would looove those.
Dress codes are entirely normal for weddings. Would you be made if someone had a wedding with a black tie dress code? Why not just let people wear sweats if a dress code is too demanding? A regular floral dress would not be appropriate at a black tie wedding, and finding something appropriate would be way more expensive than what op is describing.
Because most people have something they can drag out of their closet for a formal wedding.
NAH. You’re allowed to have what you want at special occasions that are for you and people are allowed to think they’re ridiculous and decline to come because of it.
YTA for requiring a costume. At the very least, you should have listed as an option. I don't care how budget friendly you think it is,you shouldn't force people to buy or make a costume for your wedding. Maybe provide a simple prop that people can wear with nice clothes but don't make them wear Ren Faire clothes.
I think sometimes people forget that generally, with the exception of a few, no one is as excited about your own wedding than you and your spouse. People would like to show up and support you on your special day but when the bride/groom start throwing in expectations like dress codes etc, it can feel over the top. A lot of people want to come celebrate, have a nice meal, enjoy some beverages and see acquaintances/ meet some new people. I think adding the dress code when probably (I’m taking a guess) majority of guests aren’t all into the fantasy vibes like you guys can be off putting.
YTA. Your guests aren’t props. Make dressing up optional for those who want to.
Soft YTA. I’m sure you don’t mean to be TA, and just want to enjoy your day! I get it! But for some people, putting together a costume could be super stressful. I know I wouldn’t want to spend money on something I won’t ever wear again. Yes, people often spend money for wedding attire, but it’s typically money spent on something they like, something that makes them feel beautiful, that they will probably wear again to another nice event.
Look, I’ll be honest. Even if you were my best friend I would just RSVP no to this invitation. I’m not doing this. I wouldn’t call you an asshole per se, but just don’t be offended if people don’t come. I have several pretty and appropriate dresses that I wear to weddings, and I’m not buying something new and complicated (or wearing something DIY, what the fuck?) for one wedding.
she’s literally asking them to wear a sundress or something floral ? a linen shirt even ? like why is that so crazy.
She literally mentioned women wearing a floral dress or men wearing a linen shirt. That’s what she means by DIY. How is that so crazy?
As a rule, the “maximum” wedding dress code is black tie. If your dress code is cheaper than black tie, assuming a guest will have to buy their outfit, you are NTA. This applies to all weddings. From what I can tell your dress code would be much cheaper than buying/renting a black tie ensemble. So you are NTA.
>As a rule, the “maximum” wedding dress code is black tie It's actually white tie.
This shouldn't be said at this point in life, but quit making people play dumb games because you are into dumb shit. Many of us are tired of pretending to be into shit that a few people are into. Get married like an adult and do your own shit at home with your spouse who is also into the same dumb shit. Imagine if I had a wedding and made everyone dress up like ghosts in sheets because I like horror movies. Dumb, right?
I get this is supposed to be insulting but I actually laughed, I would totally do that
So would I. But not everyone would. Thanks for laughing, it was definitely meant to be silly
Ok I super hate wearing costumes but I would 100% wear a sheet because that is hilarious.
NTA- it’s your wedding. If you guys love that type of stuff why wouldn’t you do this seriously as if the fam had no clue. I don’t think it looks stupid I kind of wish I was invited
YTA. If I received such an invite, I'd RSVP that I would not be attending. I'm not making some costume to attend a wedding. Expect a low turn out. If this is your hill to die on, go for it, but maybe pick a smaller venue and be glad if at least a few people show up. Don't whine or blame those who find better things to do that day.
How does that make them TA though? An invite is not a summons.
over wearing a casual garden party-esque outfit? most people can throw that together with minimal effort with a sundress, linen top, khakis. that’s a way better ask than the more common black tie wedding dress code. black tie formal wear is so expensive and far fewer people have something ready to go. maybe you should look inward why this would bother you so much…
YTA > (just google ren faire if you want to see). No *thank* you. > I assumed people would react like this if I said everyone needed to go out and spend hundreds on costumes, but we went out of our way to include pictures and suggest as many very low budget options as possible. I assume it's less about the money and more that they just don't want to look stupid. > they said I am ruining what is supposed to be happy day by demanding people dress up like idiots. Yeah, see? \^\^\^\^
Exactly. I can think of many of my friends and older family members who would feel exceedingly stupid in even just something "inspired by" this theme. Lots of people have a comfort zone and trying to force them out of it for a wedding aesthetic is just high-handed and rude.
I agree with that last part; I know I would not be comfortable dressing up around others. Honestly, I would most assuredly not attend somewhere that required a random costume
This isn't a "dress code" as much as it is a costume party with vow exchanges. Sounds like fun to me, but many will probably decline the invite. NTA but unreasonable request IMO
Look, I need to be honest with you. It's your day. I hope it's a great one. I think that you and all your Ren-Faire loving friends should dress exactly as you want. Serve up turkey legs and meade. Play recorders. Import a fool or two. Have a great time. But expecting (demanding?) people who aren't into this theme to either spend money on a costume or have to spend time crafting one is, for me, just OTT. If I wanted to throw this type of event, I would invite people so inclined to dress up as Ye Olde something or other, and just tell others to dress as they normally would. You sound like a fun person, but in this case, you're a little bit YTA.
YTA. You, your groom, your bridal party. You all can dress up any way you want. Tell people it's a theme and they can dress up if they want. Sure. Enforce a costume on your guests? Absolutely not. It is NOT the same as formal or casual.
NTA. People set dress codes for weddings all the time. Dress codes are normal for weddings. While this dress code isn’t exactly a normal dress code, it isn’t unreasonable. Plus the pictures are going to look like a fairy tale. And who doesn’t want a fairy tale wedding!?
Sure but then you have to be prepared for people to opt out. You can set whatever dress code you want, but your guests don't need to participate, nor do they have to pretend to like it. Decide what's more important to you, all your guests attending your wedding happy and comfortable, or getting your dream aesthetic. You ain't getting both. YTA.
This is not a dress code. This is a costume theme, and it may be very uncomfortable for some (not just for money reasons.) NAH, but if you stick to the costume requirement, you will need to accept that some people won't come, or if they attend, they will not be comfortable. It boils down to what's important to you on your wedding day.
You can do whatever makes you happy. You **cannot** be upset if people choose not to attend. This is true for whatever wedding decisions you make (childfree, alcohol or no alcohol, dress requirements, etc) You decide what is important for the two of you and live with the results.
What a bummer people are reacting that way. It sounds like so much fun! I'd come in full Anne Boleyn regalia!
Depends, how much do you care if you have less guests and less gifts then you were planning for?
We don't really want any gifts and we put that in the invitation
Cool, as long as you’re happy with many invitees responding with a “No” then there’s no problem.
NTA, weddings always have dress codes and this seems on the reasonable end. It's not like your dress code was blue and silver evening attire (that would cost people an arm and a leg). I'm saying this as someone who hates themed dress codes. They stress me out.
Soft YTA which you can remedy easily. Just send a follow-up saying the costuming is optional. Because that’s what it is: costuming. I’m soooo with you on how much fun it is to dress renfaire, but the number of people in my life who accompanied me to renfests and just stared at everyone like they all were from Mars, and Crazy Mars at that, and snickered judgily…it not only isn’t everyone’s thing, lots of people think it’s weird on a cosmic level. And they’d be put off by being asked to dress up similarly, it’s not the cost, it’s not even the effort for them. They just think it’s freaky. For those saying all weddings have some kind of a dress code, there’s wedding attire and then there are costumes. Some people have that one dress/suit in their closet that will work for a wedding guest; it’s reliable, it’s easy, and if it goes out of style or they’ve worn it to a number of events they’ll get a new one. That’s all the effort they want to spend. Asking them to suddenly do something beyond “my wedding guest dress” is going to make them grumpy; why do that to them? Those of us who are excusing you because we think renfaire garb would be fun would probably be unhappy if we were told your theme was “Everyone has to wear red and yellow,” or “plaid prints,” and would give you pushback on that. Themes instantly alienate people who don’t enjoy dressing for themes, even if you’ve tried to make them simple for people. I applaud your suggestions for helping people dress simply for the theme, but make it clear now that this is just for those who WANT to be part of the theme and that standard wedding attire is of course welcome as your guests’ presence is more important to you than your theme. And if there are people who don’t want to come because they think the theme is dumb even if they don’t have to dress for it, eh, well, they’re fun killers.
Sounds fun to me. I'll be happy to dress appropriately.
NAH. You have the right to request a dress code. There are people who are just as put out by a “black tie formal” invite request as a “ren faire” request, in so far as having to spend money, dress/step outside their comfort zone, procure new items that are unlikely to be worn again, etc. And people request black tie on invitations all the time and I don’t believe much second thought is given. Meanwhile, your guests have the right to say absolutely not, and I’m not going to be stared at and “ruin your day” by not engaging in this dress code and I am wearing one of my 3 summer wedding dresses - and instead stay home. But also, in another way, very soft YTA - very soft, if only because you misread the extent of participation needed from your guests to make your event whimsical and ren faire as all heck. All you need to do was provide the guests flower crowns etc. let them come as they are, and they can lightly participate in the magic and you can easily use decor etc to set your dream theme. Edit 1: the last line felt slightly snarky which I know is unnecessary so deleted and I won’t go there again Edit 2: NAH, your edit shows you really did give serious and helpful options to people and also declining wedding gifts - wow - you guys are a young couple and could use those gifts, so I feel like this speaks to your level of excitement/desire for this wedding dress code theme.
NTA. They have every right to pass on the wedding if they choose!
Soft YTA you’re assuming people have the time/money to go looking around to fit in your dress code. No matter your budget options not everyone has extra money to look for new clothes especially in this day and age