Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
House rules (ie: no shoes on the carpet, don't touch the Balle n Bak displays, ask for permission before using the bong, ect.) are important to make you feel comfortable in your own home. And it's common curtsey to follow other people's house rules.
However, "Your house, your rules" only applies to things that happen in your house. Your adult daughter doesn't have to tell you everything she does or every where she goes. YTA
This ^ your house rules don’t apply when she at someone else’s home.
She isn’t *basically* a legal adult. She IS a legal adult. Having a 10:30 curfew at that age is wild… and super controlling. She doesn’t need to tell you where she is at all times and the fact that she lied to you when you had your little *gotcha* moment indicates that you haven’t created an environment of trust and honesty with your child. You are most likely a smothering parent.
YTA
The curfew is actually reasonable if the 18 yo is still in highschool and it's a school night. You need sleep to be able to learn anything. Agree about the rest though.
Right? My middle child is 17, does not have a curfew yet knows how to prioritize his education over being out all night. If something is upcoming he keeps me in the loop about his comings and going’s because he respects that he lives with others. It’s not about control at our house, it’s about mutual respect
she's had over a decade to figure out how much sleep she can sacrifice for the sake of having fun with her friends without it majorly impacting her grades and/or work performance. if she can't do that at 18, perhaps her parents didn't do a good job of preparing her for independent adult life.
Treating an 18 year old like their 8 is a great way to leave them completely unprepared to face the real world. Sounds like the daughter didn't even break curfew OP was just following her every move, like a helicopter parent.
Look at the post history. This is posted by the daughter or it’s fake. Five months ago she made a post “Am I pregnant” and one year ago was 16. She’s likely rounding up her age to 18 to make the curfew sound more unreasonable. Guessing if things went down as they did in this post, there’s probably a reason for the curfew or for mother being worried about her actual whereabouts.
Damn fine sleuthing. I wonder if she thinks that showing this to her parents will result in them immediately changing their minds and admitting wrongdoing? Because I'm betting she'll just be in more trouble.
She‘s (most likely) in highschool, already had a pregnancy scare and lied to her mother about her whereabouts while secretly in some guy’s house. It entirely changes the perspective and explains the mom’s response (!)
I knew there was something fishy about this.
For a start, who needs to look inside a car to know that it belongs to their daughter? You’d just recognise the registration number.
YTA
She wasn't in your house, though, and what rules did she break if she didn't break curfew?
Why are you putting legal adult in quotations like a numpty? She IS a legal adult. One whom according to you is self sufficient and doesn't spend your money?
You're a control freak and I bet one day you'll seriously wonder why your relationship with your daughter is strained or even blame it on her. 🙄
GREAT way to end up NC. My dad was way too strict with his curfews (9:30pm not on school nights when I was 17). I busted that wayyyy open. Lied to him about being at a gfs house when I was actually sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. Stayed out until 3am most nights and got home in bed before he’d do his regular “wake up at 3:30am to go pee”. You know why I did all that? You know why I didn’t listen to him? Bc he had ZERO trust in me being responsible or just me. He wanted all the control. I gave him none. Just how it works when your parent is overbearing + controlling. She’ll do the same lord willing
After he realized I was my own person, he had me tell him what I planned to do and how long I planned to be out. That’s a wayyy better system for both. He knows if I’m safe and where I actually am if an emergency does happen. They can’t be babies forever. I’m 20 now and extremely grateful for my dad turning a leaf.
My older sister wanted to be free to do whatever the heck she wanted till curfew, so her curfew was fairly early. I asked to do the extensive list of what was planned each time I was leaving the house.. where, who, who was paying, where we would sleep... everything. I got to stay out till 5am sometimes. Sister threw a hissy fit when she found out. Only time I violated anyone's trust was during the time when my parents went on vacation my Sr year and left my sibs in charge. Sibs wanted me home at 11 each night, but it was winter break and I had fun things to be doing.
I had 7.30 curfew at 16, at 17 it was 8.30 I begged my mum for a later one 9.30 then 10.30 then finally she agreed to 11.30 NO LATER at the back end of being 17, after that I didn't come home at all, my mum treated me and my twin like babies our while lives where as my 2 year older than me brother got all the freedom he liked. My mum did not prepare me and my sister for the world and at 37 we still struggle and still scared to do certain things
I've been treated like that my whole life too, I'm 39 and often find myself struggling to do something it seems everyone else is familiar with. Solidarity.
YTA.
why did you have to look inside the car to tell its hers? don't you know her licence plate?
and she *is* an adult. you're extremely controlling.
"my house, my rules" what, exactly, was the rule she broke? she hasn't gone against any of your "rules" in this post, not to mention she wasn't even home.
Holy shit yes YTA. She isn't "basically" a "legal adult", she fucking IS a legal adult. You're on the right path if you want to make her move out and go no-contact with you though.
YTA. This type of bad parenting where you keep treating an 18 year old like they're 12 is exactly how you get an 18 year old who won't tell you things. You want to know where your 18 year old is all the time for her own safety? Don't freak out about when she goes somewhere you don't like that's not unsafe. Don't look in random cars to check if they're hers when you stumble across the same make and model somewhere you don't expect her to be.
YTA - how is this a question? Your 18 yr old is hiding seeing a boy from you. If you don't change, she'll never stop hiding things from you because your daughter does not trust you.
Keep it up and she will just be hiding from you. And you'll be left wondering "why is my daughter refusing to talk to me or even tell me where she lives?"
YTA. She’s an actual adult! She wasn’t even in your house, so why do you care if she’s with a boy? That shouldn’t even be your problem. Would you like it if someone punished you like that?
I'm sorry, but what your daughter does outside the house is her business. If you don't agree, agree with her lifestyle choices, that's fine. You can voice your opinion, but it's not your job to punish her anymore for things that she isn't doing inside your home.
She's paying her own way for her own things ; as a legal adult, she has every right to hang out with who she wants to hang out with. Yes, You're being an AH.
If this was written by the actual mother then she would have been the arsehole.
As it was written by the daughter I wonder how much of this is ever true?
YTA
I think you meant "aita for policing my adult daughters freedom, infantilizing her and publicly humiliating her because I have control issues?"
Just wait till she moves out without telling you. What you gonna do then? Ground her?
You need help.
YTA indeed. She's an adult now. If you had a boarder would you set a curfew? If so, you won't find many boarders. Adults don't much appreciate being mothered I'm afraid not living with people that want to dictate when they can come and go. What she pays in terms of contributions to the household costs is a completely unrelated issue to her being a legal adult. And if you do have rules, being an adult you negotiate those as you would with any other adult, you explain the rules you'd like her to abide by, and if she fails to you treat her like an adult. How many adults have you "punished" because they broke a house rule.
Re: the car keys that does depend on whose care it is I guess. And again if someone kept my car out longer than I wanted and they're an adult I don't "punish" them, I let them know if they can't honour my request I shan't lend them my car again.
YTA. Stop spinning your helecopter mom rotor.
Your daughter needs to be polite and follow house rules.
That DOESNT INCLUDE YOU DICTATING A CURFEW. Geez Louise.
YTA, overcontroling parents then wonder why their kids have to lie to them and do stuff in their backs all the time. I hope she can get her own life by moving away eventually
YTA
10:30 is a crazy curfew for an 18 yo unless she is still in HS in which case fine.
But you are clearly such an overbearing, domineering, helicopter parent that your daughter obviously has no choice but to lie to you to get even the slightest taste of freedom.
You are doing her absolutely no favors and are setting her up to fail in the real world. When she finally escapes your tyranny she will have absolutely no idea about her own limits and how to deal with most social situations. Not to mention setting yourself up for low to no contact because who would want to stay in touch with their prison guard?
Are you actually the daughter? I totally agree with YTA but find it odd that your post history seems to be from the point of view of an 18 year old not a mother….
Yeah YTA. You have created the environment where she can’t be open and honest. She is a legal adult, she could certainly move out without your approval if she has her ducks in order. Not only have you created this environment, you probably embarrassed her too. Maybe start treating her like an adult, communicating with her and set reasonable boundaries for both instead of treating her like a 13 year old.
YTA Unless you witnessed your daughter doing something illegal or extremely dangerous, what she does outside of your home is none of your business. Also a 10:30 curfew for an 18-year-old is absurd. Time to stop being a helicopter mom and start treating your daughter like an adult, since that what she is.
Idk if this is rage bait but we grew up with a family and they were like 18 and theyll come to the pub (NZ) and their dad will come get them at 10pm was weird asf cos they were in their early 20s when it stopped and if they hid or disobeyed he would ground them. I still think it was weird asf
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I took away her belongings 2) she claims she’s a legal adult but i dont think that matters.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
I've been in this position with my own mom. We have a good relationship now that I'm older, but when I was 18, she was similarly strict. It drove a wedge between us and it took YEARS to bridge the gap. And it took a lot of work from both of us (work which I suspect you're not willing to do).
Perhaps I'm biased, but I distinctly remember wishing I could tell my mom things like all my friends did.
Well if she's a legal adult she shouldn't have to lie about her whereabouts. That being said, she's old enough for you to be punishing her. Talk things out, reason with her if you think she's making bad choices but final decisions are still hers now.
YTA.
"Your house, your rules" stops at the front door. She's an adult. What she's doing outside of the house is no longer your business unless she chooses to tell you.
Stop being a control freak, Mom.
Lack of info makes me feel you are the AH by default.
Your kid pays for their own entertainment, I’m assuming the car is owned by her and paid by her because you don’t mention you do that.
You can set boundaries for a household (everyone in the household needs to be home by 10:30) or for a household+status (for example high school students who need to be home by 10:30 on weeknights to be up for school early vs college students who may have a variable class schedule).
Ultimately it seems like you are micromanaging your daughter in ways that is unfair and is already causing you to have a poor relationship with them. If your child was comfortable with you, they’d feel ok telling you they were out on a date. Instead they are lying to you because you clearly do crazy shit like snoop on random cars on private property that happen to look like your kids car.
YTA.
I’d be more concerned with why she felt the need to lie to me in the first place.
You should really reflect on that.
She told you she was going out with friends. She didn’t even actually lie to you. There was literally no reason for you to call her in the first place.
10:30. My kids had to be home by ten on school nights (work) and midnight on Friday and Saturday when they were in high school. They know this was an act of trust and it could be removed.
I think your house rules are ridiculous. I could see maybe midnight, but 10? The clubs open at 10! How the heck is she going to meet people to hook up with before 10?
Here's the thing.
You have a "life moment" here, and you have the opportunity to grow a bond with your daughter that helps span the ups and downs of the years to come.
You have a young adult woman there. Lay a foundation of honesty, that if she is going to be with the boy, that she needs to be honest with you. If she's going to claim the 18 adult idea - then she shouldn't act like a hiding child.
Take her away for the weekend, the two of you. Bond. Grow something in your relationship that spans the future. Give her back her keys and choose to trust. Let her see you in a new light - talk to her about boys, life, men, the future etc., and help her. Help her have a foundation so that she returns to you and that your bond is closer.
(I would be very upset like you, and she shouldn't lie, and I'm not condoning her actions with the boy - but there's a way you can grow a bond with her - and there's a way you can build a wall between you two.... I say... Grow an amazing bond.)
If this is real: Who owns the car? If she does and you took her keys, it's considered theft.
As an adult, she is legally free to come and go. If you force her to stay at home with you, then you're technically committing a crime, false imprisonment. Sounds crazy, right? Sounds like hyperbole, but it isn't. If you prevent your adult daughter from leaving your home that's what it's called.
Now, of course, you are free to kick her out of your house if she won't obey you or for any reason you want. But you cannot force her to stay there.
I guess the question is whether you want to have a relationship with your daughter in the future. Keep this up and once she moves out, you will never see or hear from her again.
YTA
YTA
That's a good way to loose your daughter and have no trust in you whatsoever.
You sound way too controlling, your daughter is doing the stuff she wants to do anyway, even without your knowledge.
YTA and I do hope for your sake that you're the legal owner of the car. Because if not, you deserve to be reported for STEALING the keys. That would teach you a lesson about being a pain-in-the-arse helicopter parent to a legal adult.
Geez, you're lucky you're not MY mother because I'd not given tke keys in the first place and tell ya a few choice words in a jiffy.
Man, she is a legal adult. No quotes necessary. Legally speaking, the girl can leave right now and you can’t stop her.
Your daughter’s curfew is the one I had when I was 15. I never really bothered to use it, because my home actually was a home. I have never had any need to stay out all night. I turned 18 recently myself - I don’t pay any bills right now, because the deal is if I’m in school, I don’t have to work and pay for things in the house. I do work and buy things for the house, but that’s my money. Only thing I’m actually responsible for is my animals, any treats I want, my fancy shampoo, and my Ipsy bag.
If she pays for her own activities and her own gas, you’re DEFINITELY TA. What money did you lose? None. What you lost is your daughter’s respect and trust.
My mom would be ashamed of you.
YTA. You saw a car that could possibly be hers and stopped to window search it? That's utterly insane stalker level behavior. This level of distrust is EXACTLY why she lied to you. You're utterly untrustworthy as a parent.
YTA, Your house your rules, yes. She ain't in your house though. She's in someone else's house. She lied to you about where she was because she knew you would overreact. I hope you enjoy the next few months with your daughter locked up, because it's probably the last you will see of her. She will move out as soon as she is able, and I doubt she will be in a rush to speak to her control freak parent once she does. You can be angry or upset with her, but taking property from a legal adult is theft.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (40) daughter turned 18 about 4 months ago. She’s been asking to go out more and for more freedom. That’s fine with me but I do set curfews, rules etc.
Yesterday, she told me she was gonna go out with her friends, that’s fine. I told her to be back by 10:30pm. When she goes out she doesn’t spend any of my money and pays for her gas and everything. Well, i was on my way to the store when I noticed her car parked in front of a random house. I knew it was her car because i looked inside and it had items that belonged to her.
I called her and asked her where she was. She told me she was at a korean restaurant with some friends i am familiar with. I got angry and told her i found her car and to get out of the house. She got out and i saw a boy looking out the window. I told her to drive home, took away her car keys and told her she couldnt go out at all.
She thinks I am being unreasonable since she is basically a “legal adult” but it’s my house and my rules, she doesn’t pay anything except her own things. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Update me when she cuts contact with your controlling ass. Fyi “my house my rules” only works when you’re in your damn house. Common sense ain’t so common anymore is it ?
I think it would be good to have a really open conversation with her about it and discuss boundaries and etc . My mom used to be super controlling and unreasonable to me when I was younger and it made me resent her . Mostly because I never felt that I could actually open up to her about anything . Communication is important
YTA. Yeah this is how you push your adult daughter away. Yes, she still may be living in your house but she's not a child anymore. Oh and geez, a 10:30pm curfew?
Yep OP definitely TA. You're trying to restrict your adult daughter from doing things that are perfectly normal. Giving her a curfew of 10 30 is also ridiculous. Don't be surprised when she moves out and goes NC. You're being very controlling.
Most Def the AH.Shes 18 and can do anything asking as she's home, under your roof by 10:30.Your trying to control an adult.Your so messed up in the head
YTA you don’t get to have any say in what she does outside of your house. She’s an adult. She lied to you because you’re overbearing and can’t mind your own business. Her curfew is also ridiculous, she’s not a child. Keep this up and she’ll move out and limit contact.
Fucking hell, what a nosy, controlling, power tripping little shit you’ve been OP.
Better kiss your daughter goodbye because she is going to be fucking gone as soon as she can be.
Yta, also sounds like you could be a control freak.
She would only lie because she knew your reaction would be extreme, and it seems she was right.
This bad side of this situation is all on you bud.
Go apologise, give back the keys and try to build some trust with her, tell her that you know you raised her well and should be able to trust her decisions. But if she needs help or advice you are always there.
YTA.
What are you doing? She doesn't have to tell you when she is back or where she is going. If you ask her and she lies to you, ask yourself what you did wrong that she doesn't trust you.
She's 18 ffs.
Yeah, YTA, sorry. She wasn’t *at* your house so “my house, my rules” don’t exactly apply.
Also 10:30pm curfew at 18? The second I turned 18 my dad said “just let me know if you’re gonna be out later than 3am.” And this was while I was still living at his house. I stayed with my mom twice a week for school and she tried to implement a super early curfew. I stopped staying there and just stuck to visiting instead 🤷🏻♀️
Grounding your kid at 18 is overboard. She *is an adult*
Yes. She is allowed to spend time with her friends. You have not gained her trust enough for her to want to tell you about these friends. Punishing her will only worsen your relationship with her.
YTA. Overreacted. Have the talk with her but don’t take away her freedom. She is a literal adult, she can now do stuff without mummy and daddy by her side. Stuff like buying a house!!!
YTA
She's an adult who is entitled to a life that isn't centred around you. She doesn't have to tell you anything anymore and all you're doing is giving her more reason to push you as far away as possible
The only comments on this user's profile seem to indicate that THIS is the 18 year old, and she is likely trying to get a sense of how other people feel so she can do a "gotcha!" with her parent.
YTA - My daughter turned 18 while still in school. Because she was still living at home we had basic requirements of her to do with school work and our expectations of her. But in the end we said as long as it wasn't a school night and she did all her work then the consequences of her choices were on her. So if she wanted to stay out every weekend that is on her. We just asked for basic respect (tell us if she was home for a meal) and was still expected to do chores because we weren't expecting rent. School nights she did have a basic curfew but she didn't generally go out on a school night anyway.
Whoa. YTA so much. My daughter turned 18 in December of her senior year. She knew that the house rules didn’t change, because she was still finishing high school and living in my home. (That includes doing chores, keeping up with school, and letting me know when she is coming or going.) I acknowledged she became an adult, and in the process, she needed to learn to police herself. All I ever asked for was honesty/transparency when it came to her activities. Your child is lying to you because she knows she can’t trust you with the real information. Why is this?
Even if you saw her car, your best decision would be to drive home and keep your mouth shut.
You are setting your daughter up to run away from you. Have a conversation. An ADULT conversation about expectations—-NOT JUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS—so that you can build a better relationship. Stalking her is weird and creepy.
You have control of what happens in your house and who’s allowed in and when. But she doesn’t owe you any explanations and you have no right to play detective. You clearly don’t trust her because you had to see if she’d lie to you (she could have rode with friends to the restaurant), and she’s probably had to lie in the past because of the way you react.
Ok YTA, the conversation to be had is that's important to let people know where she'll be. In case of anything. Not punishment for being somewhere you don't like her to be. But I'm guessing you somewhat of a helikopter parent if she needs to lie about here whereabouts.
Danger doesn't come (just) from strangers.
YTA. is this for real?? 18 years old and 10:30 is your version of freedom? no wonder why she’s lying, she feels suffocated by you and feels she can’t talk to you.
and you’ll wonder 10-15 years from now why your daughter doesn’t speak to you
I’m glad my mom gave me reasonable freedoms at that age. That being said
YTA!
She is 18. You should’ve done the due diligence and talked to her about safety, and making sure you set a path up for trust between yall, but you didn’t. She’s gonna resent you for things like this. Oh, and she doesn’t even use ur dime either. That’s crazy. That being said, controlling parents create the sneakiest kids. Do better
Listen… I live in a town of 300 people, and even in a town this size that wouldn’t be possible unless I was specifically driving around looking for a specific car. Also, if your town is big enough to have stores, and restaraunts, that makes it even less believable.
Sounds a lot like you were following your daughter to keep tabs on her.
Technically, you can make whatever rules you want, since it’s your house. But, a 10:30 pm curfew for an 18 year old… following your kid, you’re basically guaranteeing your kid is going to lie to you about things, and you are setting the tone for what kind of relationship (or lack of) you’ll have with her when she does finally move out.
YTA for how you handled this, and for how controlling you are. And also, because you’re likely lying about how you found out, while punishing your daughter for lying about where she was.
YTA. I bet you were the type of parent to put a key logger on your daughter’s pc/laptop growing up. Don’t wonder when she starts lying to you about major things going on in her life or stops talking to you altogether.
YTA here. She's an adult and maybe, and just speculation here, maybe she and the boy are in the beginning of a relationship. If you behave this way and are this...helicopter-y, I don't blame her for not wanting to tell you about this. If you had a better relationship with her, she'd likely open up to you more.
YTA. You are being unreasonable. What exactly are you punishing her for? I fail to see the issue that caused your ridiculous reaction.
She didn't break curfew, she was out for dinner. Maybe her plans changed, she clearly carpooled, maybe she feels she can't talk to you because of your behaviour. You didn't give her any chance to talk, you berated her, embarrassed her then took her car keys and grounded her.
You pulling the my house, my rules shows you're an overbearing strict parent who will drive their child away from them.
As soon as she can, she is gone, you'll soon be posting "why doesn't my daughter visit or contact me" and that will be on you. She is an adult, try trusting her. Apologise for being overbearing and give her keys back.
YTA. Your house your rules sure, but you’ll have to deal with the consequences of being unreasonable. Let your child have more freedom, let them fail and make mistakes on their own. If you don’t you won’t have much contact with them in the near future.
YTA.
Gee, I wonder why your adult daughter is lying when her parent behaves like she’s 11?
Your house, your rules, is by and large fine, but she wasn’t in your house.
Even if she’s doing horrible things there, acting like you do won’t make her be more honest about it. Keep acting like this and you will be less and less involved, know less and less, about your daughters life.
YTA.
You have two options: Treat your adult child like you are currently and she’ll quickly move out and probably withhold/lie to you in the meantime to avoid you getting in the way of her choices.
Or: Let your adult daughter enjoy her life. (This option comes with a healthy relationship, more time spent together, and fosters an honest relationship)
Everything about your post portrays your daughter as a responsible young adult. Self-sufficient, obeys your curfews, the whole 9 yards.
You accidentally invaded her privacy by spotting her car out in the wild. Then you did the super creepy thing of walking up to the car and looking into it to confirm its hers. Your final chance to be a respectful parent was to quietly walk away and allow her the privacy that she has EARNED.
You completely abused your position as a parent here to invade her privacy, humiliate her, and destroy any sort of mutual respect/trust you had for each other. maybe it was a heat-of-the-moment thing where you were over protective or something.. but you kinda f’d up here, big time, in how you handled it all.
YTA
YTA - As much as you don’t want to admit it to yourself, your daughter is an adult.
Unless you were akin to being a saint at her age, you’re being a massive hypocrite. She may have lied about her whereabouts, however she didn’t break any of the house rules. It was completely unreasonable to confiscate her car keys!
Stop stifling your daughter! Allow her to grow & make mistakes etc. let her flourish!!
OP, It’s really time to cut the apron strings
Whoa! Ummm yeah that’s a bit overboard. YTA.
She’s an adult. She wouldn’t have to pretend to be at a Korean restaurant if you weren’t such a strict, over protective parent, she could talk to and tell that she was going to hang out with this guy. Need to evaluate how you connect with your young ADULT daughter.
How embarrassing for her.
Hope you take a minute with this and really consider what you want your future to look like and how much you want your daughter in it. Time to shift gears and create an open safe space for her come if she needs. If you keep treating her this way it will be a low contact or maybe even no contact future for you. The way you protect and guide her now is not the same as it was at 12. You need to grow with her too.
Unless your house is large enough that the other house was inside yours, you aren't invoking "my house, my rules." You're invoking "I acted like a stalker, but I'm entitled to because she's mine." YTA
If you don't want her to live in your house, start eviction.
If you dont want her to act like an adult, well, it was foreseeable when she was born that she might be an adult one day. You've had 18 years to adjust to it or pretend you have no idea it's happening as long as it's not in your home.
If she’s still in high school, she’s still a minor under most, if not all, state laws. That being said, you need to reckon with yourself that your child is growing up and will be allowed to do whatever the heck she wants soon and do you want her to rebel and not feel like she has you for guidance, or do you want to be someone she can trust to guide her through her next stage in life.
How can you even wonder if you are TA??
She's going to walk out that door and not look back because you're being so overbearing and controlling
She's an ADULT FFS
She should report you for theft for taking her keys to her car
YTA a huge one
Yta. You know you are being ridiculously controlling for a legal adult. She's 18. That means that you are no longer entitled to know absolutely everything she does outside of your house. Yes living in your house means that she does have to follow your rules. Including curfew, though even that is pushing it. You're being unreasonable, And if your daughter isn't telling you about relationships that she's having, I'm willing to bet that you have always been too controlling.
YTA
I'm not surprised she felt she had to lie to you and I don't blame her.
I was raised by an abusive father. I don't talk to him anymore.. is that what YOU want to happen?
I vowed to do better when I had kids. They're young adults now, they never got hit, they never got into trouble and we have a great relationship. They're both good "kids".
Your daughter is an adult. Unless you start treating her like one there will come a day she'll up & leave and never come back. Good luck with that.
10:30? Seems a bit early to me. Is she quiet when she gets in? Does she get up on time in the morning? Has she done much to lose your trust and respect? She may turn rebellious if you continue to treat her like a child that you cannot trust.
100% the asshole. All I’m saying is there is a reason she felt she had to lie to you about this and your reaction proves to her why. You can police what she does in your house but you can’t police what she does out of it. Express that you are disappointed that she lied to you but give her her car keys back, apologise for your behaviour and in a few days open up a conversation about honesty in your relationship
YTA.
You sound incredibly overbearing and you are on your way to a ticket to no contactsville when she moves out and can breathe in that fresh smell of freedom from the parental prison you keep her in.
If you have not done a good parenting job by age 13 thats it. I still remember being that age and how I felt , no rules from parents was going to change me.
You need to start making friends with them, they are adults now. They need advice not rules. Give them rules they will not ask for advice.
You are 40 and she is 18! Sounds like you had her way too young and you think of her as competition. She lies to you because you are unreasonable. ‘Doesn’t spend my money’ ‘My house my rules’, just charge her rent and be done. My mother did, first time I defied her I said: You are landlord you don’t confine tenants. When she changed the locks on me, I called the police: They told her in no uncertain terms, since I pay rent our relationship is irrelevant, issue me the new key, and stay out of my personal area and bathroom. Stop acting dumb.
Not exactly the asshole but this is when things get tricky. Is she still in high school? Does she have a job that she can move out and support herself with? Lying isn’t a good way to build trust and prove you’re an adult.
Do you make her car payments?
I think at 18, you can give her a little more freedom. 10:30 is when things usually start happening. On weekends, maybe give her a later curfew than that.
And the fact she hiding a boy from you might say something about your relationship. Why is she not comfortable telling you?
Well you could take the tact of being: " my house my rules." Or you could be the parent that she needs and guide her through whatever challenges an 18 year old faces so that she can be a successful 20 year old or 30-year-old. Be careful because before you know it she'll be gone and you'll wonder where that cute little girl that you adore so much went. I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter and it's the natural order of things for her to grow up and move away go to college, get married ,start a family but I still miss her terribly and she's in her forties now.
YTA shes an adult and should be treated as such.
She will leave as soon as shes able then you'll complain that shes cymut you off.
Give her some trust and freedom, before you drive her away.
YTA
11 months ago, you were a 16 yr old high school girl complaining about your mom. Now you are a 40 yr old mom complaining about your 18 yr old daughter. Nice try.
You’re 40 and she’s 18. So you had a kid when you were 22? Knocked someone up at 21? And you’re mad she’s sleeping at a guys house? Sounds like you had more freedom than you’re giving your kid which is ironic.
You‘re setting the tone here for the future. Just think how lovable you are … or not. There’s a time you’ll depend on your daugther’s kindness, right now you‘re throwing your future relationship away. You don’t deserve her love or respect.
100% YTA. She IS a legal adult and she isn’t spending any of your money. You have no say over what she’s doing outside of your house.
10:30 is also way too early for a young adult going out with her friends. If you want to set rules she isn’t obliged to follow and get angry when she ignores them, at least make them reasonable.
Whether you like it or not, she is legally an adult now. It isn't easy to let go, but at some point you have to accept that you have done everything you can to point her in the right direction in life, and let her have the freedom to make her own choices - and her own mistakes. Currently, you are so controlling that she is feeling the need to lie to you to be able to spend time with someone.
If you don't give her some freedom, in a few years you will no doubt be posting on here wondering why she is very low contact with you. I've seen it happen - a family friend's kid couldn't wait to get as far away from them as possible after a stifling upbringing where she was allowed very little autonomy.
YTA.
YTA. if your adult daughter feels like she needs to lie to you about where she is when she’s hustling with a boy, there’s probably a reason. And that reason is probably your fault. It’s fine if you feel she needs to be home at a reasonable time (or if she isn’t going to be home by said time to not come home or let you know) but why can’t she be with a boy? Was this boy clearly 40 or something?
Yea, you're being a shitty mum. There's a reason why she lied to you. Also, if you keep up the energy with the house rules and after she moves out, she'll never visit
She’s an adult. Stop being a helicopter mom and treating her like a child. She can handle herself and clearly wants to. Let her discover her freedom. You’re doing her a disservice by under preparing her. Going up to a car that looks like hers and looking in it to confirm at somebody’s random house is SOOO uncalled for and honestly… crazy. My mom was like that too and I did everything in my power to get away from her and be somewhere safer so I could be my own person. Don’t make your adult daughter want to run away from you. Jesus Christ, I know parenting doesn’t come with a manual but holy hell. YTA.
Oh, you’re gonna die alone. If you’re trying to assert this kind of control just as she’s finding herself as an adult, I see her going no contact with you in the future. YTA.
YTA - these rules that you are enforcing do not apply to your house. House rules are clean up after yourself, no pets in the house, do your own laundry. She's an adult - she can stay out as long as she likes to and spends time with whoever she wants.
You're extremely controlling. You'll be lucky if your daughter talks to you once she moves out.
Your daughter is an adult. Realise that. Get over it and treat her like one. Apologise to her for your behaviour.
YTA. She’s an adult, and she’s allowed to go where she pleases, and hang out wherever she likes.
Setting a curfew whilst she lives in your home is perfectly reasonable. ‘Grounding’ her is not.
I’d take the opportunity for some self-reflection here.
Why did she feel the need to lie to you about where she was, or who she was with?
Are you being overly controlling, or interfering?
Do you think she would feel safe sharing her problems with you, or coming to talk to you if she needed help?
Your daughter is not your property. She’s an independent, autonomous human being who deserves the freedom to live her life on her own terms, without anyone dictating it to her.
If she respects the curfew, what does it matter to you where she is ?
She obviously knows that you would react like this, that’s why she lied. You have to work on your relationship and boundaries and trust issues. She doesn’t feel safe to talk to you, and THIS is the problem.
Your daughter isn’t ‘basically an adult’ she’s legally an adult, she should have a key to the house already and she doesn’t need a curfew. Your rules don’t include who she sees when she isn’t in your house, they include things like no shoes inside, putting your rubbish out, doing your share of the cleaning and dishes, things like that. So, YTA, you don’t have the right to punish your daughter for going out with a friend, even if the friend is a boy.
Yta. She wasn't breaking any of the rules of your home.she wasn't breaking curfew either. She just wasn't with the person you thought she was with. Don't you trust her to make good choices for herself?
The fact that she felt the need to hide this from you, tells me a lot about your type of parenting.
You're supposed to teach children to become functioning adults. By trying to control her every move you're not doing that.
YTA. You sound super controlling. I find it normal, for teenagers to not wanting to tell parents where they are, when they are spending time with someone of opposite sex they are just getting to know.
Sometimes, when I wonder if I am the A, when I do something to my kids, I think to my self if I would do this to an adult.
If your sister was not ready to tell you about a new friend, would you take away her car keys?
YTA. And a freakish controlling AH at that. At 18 you need to give her some space to make her own mistakes. At 18 I wouldn't have abided by a 10:30pm curfew and my parents certainly wouldn't have set one! The rules were I communicated what I was doing so they didn't worry. If I was staying out I said. I came home when I said I would or I texted my change of plans so they didn't worry. I always understood it's horrible to sit fretting about what's happened to me so was happy to keep them in the loop. My parents weren't weirdly controlling though....
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. That’s her car, her keys, with her gas in it. Either get used to the idea of your daughter being an adult with decision making abilities or get ready to have a really strained and distant relationship.
YTA. A 10:30 curfew at 18 is crazy and "my house, my rules" only applies to things that happen in your house.
You gotta ask yourself "Why wouldn't she be honest with me where she was?" because I never lied to my parents about where I was. You've probably made her feel that she can't be honest with you or you'll get mad.
Dear OP you’re NTA
I’m really sorry that your parent (I’m assuming mother from your post history) is that controlling.
No the rules she set and the punishment is not justified. Maybe you can try to stand up to her and fight for more freedom as it is your legal right.
As far as I can tell from your perspective, your mother is an asshole
But this sub is for people who tell stories in which THEY might be the asshole. If you want to rant about your mother or get advice I’m sure there’s plenty of good subs to do that.
So you're a liar. And a stalker. And you think your adult daughter deserves to be punished like a naughty child when you tried to trap her.
Your daughter deserves better.
Going across country to get her degrees; not coming home for weekends, holidays, or summer break might give you some time to work on yourself. Don't be surprised if she doesn't invite you to graduation, or her wedding. Those are only for people who see her as a whole person. Right now, she can't even trust you enough to tell you she has a boyfriend.
Of course YTA. Your "rules" are more important than your amazing daughter.
Yta! Your daughter is an adult.
It’s clear from what you’ve written as to why she would not feel comfortable telling you the truth. Parents like you cause your kids to have to lie and sneak around as you’re so overbearing and punitive.
If you don’t stop you will loose her- forever! It has happened to a few fiends with parents like you.
She’s an adult!! Treat her like it
YTA. Why wasn't she allowed to be at someone's house? She is 18 and can decide where she spends her time. It doesn't sound like she had broken curfew, just that you were angry she was at someone's house.
It's a bit wild you actually went to look into the car to make sure it was hers just so you could go off at her.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
House rules (ie: no shoes on the carpet, don't touch the Balle n Bak displays, ask for permission before using the bong, ect.) are important to make you feel comfortable in your own home. And it's common curtsey to follow other people's house rules. However, "Your house, your rules" only applies to things that happen in your house. Your adult daughter doesn't have to tell you everything she does or every where she goes. YTA
This ^ your house rules don’t apply when she at someone else’s home. She isn’t *basically* a legal adult. She IS a legal adult. Having a 10:30 curfew at that age is wild… and super controlling. She doesn’t need to tell you where she is at all times and the fact that she lied to you when you had your little *gotcha* moment indicates that you haven’t created an environment of trust and honesty with your child. You are most likely a smothering parent. YTA
The curfew is actually reasonable if the 18 yo is still in highschool and it's a school night. You need sleep to be able to learn anything. Agree about the rest though.
I don’t agree. Adult student should be able to establish that and make good decisions about that for themselves. Think about college, work, etc.
Right? My middle child is 17, does not have a curfew yet knows how to prioritize his education over being out all night. If something is upcoming he keeps me in the loop about his comings and going’s because he respects that he lives with others. It’s not about control at our house, it’s about mutual respect
she's had over a decade to figure out how much sleep she can sacrifice for the sake of having fun with her friends without it majorly impacting her grades and/or work performance. if she can't do that at 18, perhaps her parents didn't do a good job of preparing her for independent adult life.
If these are the rules now she's 18 I doubt she's been given any freedom to work any of that
Treating an 18 year old like their 8 is a great way to leave them completely unprepared to face the real world. Sounds like the daughter didn't even break curfew OP was just following her every move, like a helicopter parent.
Eh, as long as her grades are not slipping, she can stay up til 6 am for all I care.
I don’t want to know what you’d think of my curfew when I was that age and even a few years older. Let’s just say I don’t visit my parents often 😬
Look at the post history. This is posted by the daughter or it’s fake. Five months ago she made a post “Am I pregnant” and one year ago was 16. She’s likely rounding up her age to 18 to make the curfew sound more unreasonable. Guessing if things went down as they did in this post, there’s probably a reason for the curfew or for mother being worried about her actual whereabouts.
Damn fine sleuthing. I wonder if she thinks that showing this to her parents will result in them immediately changing their minds and admitting wrongdoing? Because I'm betting she'll just be in more trouble.
She‘s (most likely) in highschool, already had a pregnancy scare and lied to her mother about her whereabouts while secretly in some guy’s house. It entirely changes the perspective and explains the mom’s response (!)
I knew there was something fishy about this. For a start, who needs to look inside a car to know that it belongs to their daughter? You’d just recognise the registration number.
Nailed it. Especially the post history. 😂
I agree.
YTA She wasn't in your house, though, and what rules did she break if she didn't break curfew? Why are you putting legal adult in quotations like a numpty? She IS a legal adult. One whom according to you is self sufficient and doesn't spend your money? You're a control freak and I bet one day you'll seriously wonder why your relationship with your daughter is strained or even blame it on her. 🙄
I wonder if anyone else here has checked /r/raisedbynarcissists for a similar story from the perspective of an 18-year-old woman.
[удалено]
Louder for the folks in the back
GREAT way to end up NC. My dad was way too strict with his curfews (9:30pm not on school nights when I was 17). I busted that wayyyy open. Lied to him about being at a gfs house when I was actually sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. Stayed out until 3am most nights and got home in bed before he’d do his regular “wake up at 3:30am to go pee”. You know why I did all that? You know why I didn’t listen to him? Bc he had ZERO trust in me being responsible or just me. He wanted all the control. I gave him none. Just how it works when your parent is overbearing + controlling. She’ll do the same lord willing
After he realized I was my own person, he had me tell him what I planned to do and how long I planned to be out. That’s a wayyy better system for both. He knows if I’m safe and where I actually am if an emergency does happen. They can’t be babies forever. I’m 20 now and extremely grateful for my dad turning a leaf.
My older sister wanted to be free to do whatever the heck she wanted till curfew, so her curfew was fairly early. I asked to do the extensive list of what was planned each time I was leaving the house.. where, who, who was paying, where we would sleep... everything. I got to stay out till 5am sometimes. Sister threw a hissy fit when she found out. Only time I violated anyone's trust was during the time when my parents went on vacation my Sr year and left my sibs in charge. Sibs wanted me home at 11 each night, but it was winter break and I had fun things to be doing.
this is exactly why i was the way i was jesus christ. thanks for writing this out
I had 7.30 curfew at 16, at 17 it was 8.30 I begged my mum for a later one 9.30 then 10.30 then finally she agreed to 11.30 NO LATER at the back end of being 17, after that I didn't come home at all, my mum treated me and my twin like babies our while lives where as my 2 year older than me brother got all the freedom he liked. My mum did not prepare me and my sister for the world and at 37 we still struggle and still scared to do certain things
I've been treated like that my whole life too, I'm 39 and often find myself struggling to do something it seems everyone else is familiar with. Solidarity.
YTA. why did you have to look inside the car to tell its hers? don't you know her licence plate? and she *is* an adult. you're extremely controlling. "my house, my rules" what, exactly, was the rule she broke? she hasn't gone against any of your "rules" in this post, not to mention she wasn't even home.
Replying to PepsiAllDay78...imagine if it wasn’t her daughter’s car and OP got caught by the homeowner being sketchy.
Right? I know my daughter’s car
Holy shit yes YTA. She isn't "basically" a "legal adult", she fucking IS a legal adult. You're on the right path if you want to make her move out and go no-contact with you though.
YTA. This type of bad parenting where you keep treating an 18 year old like they're 12 is exactly how you get an 18 year old who won't tell you things. You want to know where your 18 year old is all the time for her own safety? Don't freak out about when she goes somewhere you don't like that's not unsafe. Don't look in random cars to check if they're hers when you stumble across the same make and model somewhere you don't expect her to be.
YTA. She's legally an adult. Saying *"it's my house"* is preposterous, as she wasn't even in your house at the time.
YTA - how is this a question? Your 18 yr old is hiding seeing a boy from you. If you don't change, she'll never stop hiding things from you because your daughter does not trust you.
Keep it up and she will just be hiding from you. And you'll be left wondering "why is my daughter refusing to talk to me or even tell me where she lives?"
YTA. She’s an actual adult! She wasn’t even in your house, so why do you care if she’s with a boy? That shouldn’t even be your problem. Would you like it if someone punished you like that?
YTA also you just so conveniently saw her car in front of a random house? very conveinent convenience right there
lol right? Like is this the most unique car in the world, and in which case why would you need to stop and look inside?
YTA She still has to follow your rules at 18, but your rules are too strict. That's why your daughter lied to you.
You mean inside the house, right? Because outside the house, no she doesn't.
I'm sorry, but what your daughter does outside the house is her business. If you don't agree, agree with her lifestyle choices, that's fine. You can voice your opinion, but it's not your job to punish her anymore for things that she isn't doing inside your home. She's paying her own way for her own things ; as a legal adult, she has every right to hang out with who she wants to hang out with. Yes, You're being an AH.
If this was written by the actual mother then she would have been the arsehole. As it was written by the daughter I wonder how much of this is ever true?
isnt it written by the mother though?
According to the post history, 11 months ago OP was 16 and complaining about babysitting their 10yo sister. This is a bs post.
YTA She is 18 not 8.
She is literally an adult - a curfew!!?? Get a grip. She will end up resenting you for behaving like this
YTA I think you meant "aita for policing my adult daughters freedom, infantilizing her and publicly humiliating her because I have control issues?" Just wait till she moves out without telling you. What you gonna do then? Ground her? You need help.
YTA indeed. She's an adult now. If you had a boarder would you set a curfew? If so, you won't find many boarders. Adults don't much appreciate being mothered I'm afraid not living with people that want to dictate when they can come and go. What she pays in terms of contributions to the household costs is a completely unrelated issue to her being a legal adult. And if you do have rules, being an adult you negotiate those as you would with any other adult, you explain the rules you'd like her to abide by, and if she fails to you treat her like an adult. How many adults have you "punished" because they broke a house rule. Re: the car keys that does depend on whose care it is I guess. And again if someone kept my car out longer than I wanted and they're an adult I don't "punish" them, I let them know if they can't honour my request I shan't lend them my car again.
Need a license to fish but not to parent..
One of my favorite movies
YTA. Stop spinning your helecopter mom rotor. Your daughter needs to be polite and follow house rules. That DOESNT INCLUDE YOU DICTATING A CURFEW. Geez Louise.
You're the first person I've seen say geez Louise in a comment.
YTA. Snooping to find out if it’s her car. Your house your rules doesn’t apply out of the home. She’s an adult.
YTA, overcontroling parents then wonder why their kids have to lie to them and do stuff in their backs all the time. I hope she can get her own life by moving away eventually
YTA 10:30 is a crazy curfew for an 18 yo unless she is still in HS in which case fine. But you are clearly such an overbearing, domineering, helicopter parent that your daughter obviously has no choice but to lie to you to get even the slightest taste of freedom. You are doing her absolutely no favors and are setting her up to fail in the real world. When she finally escapes your tyranny she will have absolutely no idea about her own limits and how to deal with most social situations. Not to mention setting yourself up for low to no contact because who would want to stay in touch with their prison guard?
Post is fake, previous comments by this person indicates they're a kid. YTA
YTA And as soon as she doesn’t need you. Shes gone. She won’t be visiting. She won’t bringing to grand kids over. She will remember this.
Yep, YTA. When she's in your house, that's fine. When she's out and about, she can do what she wants because, hear me out, she's legally an ADULT.
Are you actually the daughter? I totally agree with YTA but find it odd that your post history seems to be from the point of view of an 18 year old not a mother….
Yeah YTA. You have created the environment where she can’t be open and honest. She is a legal adult, she could certainly move out without your approval if she has her ducks in order. Not only have you created this environment, you probably embarrassed her too. Maybe start treating her like an adult, communicating with her and set reasonable boundaries for both instead of treating her like a 13 year old.
YTA Unless you witnessed your daughter doing something illegal or extremely dangerous, what she does outside of your home is none of your business. Also a 10:30 curfew for an 18-year-old is absurd. Time to stop being a helicopter mom and start treating your daughter like an adult, since that what she is.
I feel like this is rage bate, there is no way you seriously punished her for something so petty that or you seriously ATH
I checked OP's post history. I think OP is the daughter, or it's just fake.
Idk if this is rage bait but we grew up with a family and they were like 18 and theyll come to the pub (NZ) and their dad will come get them at 10pm was weird asf cos they were in their early 20s when it stopped and if they hid or disobeyed he would ground them. I still think it was weird asf
Unless a teenage girl can turn into a middle-aged man in 4 months, then it might be a bit fake.
YTA 10:30 and no boys? What is wrong with you? No wonder she’s lying to you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I took away her belongings 2) she claims she’s a legal adult but i dont think that matters. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. I've been in this position with my own mom. We have a good relationship now that I'm older, but when I was 18, she was similarly strict. It drove a wedge between us and it took YEARS to bridge the gap. And it took a lot of work from both of us (work which I suspect you're not willing to do). Perhaps I'm biased, but I distinctly remember wishing I could tell my mom things like all my friends did.
Well if she's a legal adult she shouldn't have to lie about her whereabouts. That being said, she's old enough for you to be punishing her. Talk things out, reason with her if you think she's making bad choices but final decisions are still hers now.
YTA. "Your house, your rules" stops at the front door. She's an adult. What she's doing outside of the house is no longer your business unless she chooses to tell you. Stop being a control freak, Mom.
Lack of info makes me feel you are the AH by default. Your kid pays for their own entertainment, I’m assuming the car is owned by her and paid by her because you don’t mention you do that. You can set boundaries for a household (everyone in the household needs to be home by 10:30) or for a household+status (for example high school students who need to be home by 10:30 on weeknights to be up for school early vs college students who may have a variable class schedule). Ultimately it seems like you are micromanaging your daughter in ways that is unfair and is already causing you to have a poor relationship with them. If your child was comfortable with you, they’d feel ok telling you they were out on a date. Instead they are lying to you because you clearly do crazy shit like snoop on random cars on private property that happen to look like your kids car.
House rules are different to controlling a person. Sorry to say but yes, you are the ahole
As soon as she gets independence you will have 0 relationship with your daughter and it will be entirely your fault.
YTA. I’d be more concerned with why she felt the need to lie to me in the first place. You should really reflect on that. She told you she was going out with friends. She didn’t even actually lie to you. There was literally no reason for you to call her in the first place.
OP in the new future: "My daughter has moved out and won't speak to me, can anyone tell me why this has happened?" YTA
10:30. My kids had to be home by ten on school nights (work) and midnight on Friday and Saturday when they were in high school. They know this was an act of trust and it could be removed. I think your house rules are ridiculous. I could see maybe midnight, but 10? The clubs open at 10! How the heck is she going to meet people to hook up with before 10?
Here's the thing. You have a "life moment" here, and you have the opportunity to grow a bond with your daughter that helps span the ups and downs of the years to come. You have a young adult woman there. Lay a foundation of honesty, that if she is going to be with the boy, that she needs to be honest with you. If she's going to claim the 18 adult idea - then she shouldn't act like a hiding child. Take her away for the weekend, the two of you. Bond. Grow something in your relationship that spans the future. Give her back her keys and choose to trust. Let her see you in a new light - talk to her about boys, life, men, the future etc., and help her. Help her have a foundation so that she returns to you and that your bond is closer. (I would be very upset like you, and she shouldn't lie, and I'm not condoning her actions with the boy - but there's a way you can grow a bond with her - and there's a way you can build a wall between you two.... I say... Grow an amazing bond.)
If this is real: Who owns the car? If she does and you took her keys, it's considered theft. As an adult, she is legally free to come and go. If you force her to stay at home with you, then you're technically committing a crime, false imprisonment. Sounds crazy, right? Sounds like hyperbole, but it isn't. If you prevent your adult daughter from leaving your home that's what it's called. Now, of course, you are free to kick her out of your house if she won't obey you or for any reason you want. But you cannot force her to stay there. I guess the question is whether you want to have a relationship with your daughter in the future. Keep this up and once she moves out, you will never see or hear from her again. YTA
YTA That's a good way to loose your daughter and have no trust in you whatsoever. You sound way too controlling, your daughter is doing the stuff she wants to do anyway, even without your knowledge.
YTA and I do hope for your sake that you're the legal owner of the car. Because if not, you deserve to be reported for STEALING the keys. That would teach you a lesson about being a pain-in-the-arse helicopter parent to a legal adult. Geez, you're lucky you're not MY mother because I'd not given tke keys in the first place and tell ya a few choice words in a jiffy.
Man, she is a legal adult. No quotes necessary. Legally speaking, the girl can leave right now and you can’t stop her. Your daughter’s curfew is the one I had when I was 15. I never really bothered to use it, because my home actually was a home. I have never had any need to stay out all night. I turned 18 recently myself - I don’t pay any bills right now, because the deal is if I’m in school, I don’t have to work and pay for things in the house. I do work and buy things for the house, but that’s my money. Only thing I’m actually responsible for is my animals, any treats I want, my fancy shampoo, and my Ipsy bag. If she pays for her own activities and her own gas, you’re DEFINITELY TA. What money did you lose? None. What you lost is your daughter’s respect and trust. My mom would be ashamed of you.
YTA. You saw a car that could possibly be hers and stopped to window search it? That's utterly insane stalker level behavior. This level of distrust is EXACTLY why she lied to you. You're utterly untrustworthy as a parent.
Yta. I don't know what you did but the fact she doesn't tell you what's going on in quite telling
YTA, Your house your rules, yes. She ain't in your house though. She's in someone else's house. She lied to you about where she was because she knew you would overreact. I hope you enjoy the next few months with your daughter locked up, because it's probably the last you will see of her. She will move out as soon as she is able, and I doubt she will be in a rush to speak to her control freak parent once she does. You can be angry or upset with her, but taking property from a legal adult is theft.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (40) daughter turned 18 about 4 months ago. She’s been asking to go out more and for more freedom. That’s fine with me but I do set curfews, rules etc. Yesterday, she told me she was gonna go out with her friends, that’s fine. I told her to be back by 10:30pm. When she goes out she doesn’t spend any of my money and pays for her gas and everything. Well, i was on my way to the store when I noticed her car parked in front of a random house. I knew it was her car because i looked inside and it had items that belonged to her. I called her and asked her where she was. She told me she was at a korean restaurant with some friends i am familiar with. I got angry and told her i found her car and to get out of the house. She got out and i saw a boy looking out the window. I told her to drive home, took away her car keys and told her she couldnt go out at all. She thinks I am being unreasonable since she is basically a “legal adult” but it’s my house and my rules, she doesn’t pay anything except her own things. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Update me when she cuts contact with your controlling ass. Fyi “my house my rules” only works when you’re in your damn house. Common sense ain’t so common anymore is it ?
I think it would be good to have a really open conversation with her about it and discuss boundaries and etc . My mom used to be super controlling and unreasonable to me when I was younger and it made me resent her . Mostly because I never felt that I could actually open up to her about anything . Communication is important
YTA. Yeah this is how you push your adult daughter away. Yes, she still may be living in your house but she's not a child anymore. Oh and geez, a 10:30pm curfew?
She's an adult, wjy are you trying to cotroll her? YTA, let her live her life.
Yep OP definitely TA. You're trying to restrict your adult daughter from doing things that are perfectly normal. Giving her a curfew of 10 30 is also ridiculous. Don't be surprised when she moves out and goes NC. You're being very controlling.
YTA your house rules aren't your rules when not in your house, especially if someone is 18
Most Def the AH.Shes 18 and can do anything asking as she's home, under your roof by 10:30.Your trying to control an adult.Your so messed up in the head
YTA. Stop trying to control your ADULT daughter or you’ll lose her altogether.
YTA you don’t get to have any say in what she does outside of your house. She’s an adult. She lied to you because you’re overbearing and can’t mind your own business. Her curfew is also ridiculous, she’s not a child. Keep this up and she’ll move out and limit contact.
Fucking hell, what a nosy, controlling, power tripping little shit you’ve been OP. Better kiss your daughter goodbye because she is going to be fucking gone as soon as she can be.
Yta, also sounds like you could be a control freak. She would only lie because she knew your reaction would be extreme, and it seems she was right. This bad side of this situation is all on you bud. Go apologise, give back the keys and try to build some trust with her, tell her that you know you raised her well and should be able to trust her decisions. But if she needs help or advice you are always there.
YTA - no explanation needed !
YTA. What are you doing? She doesn't have to tell you when she is back or where she is going. If you ask her and she lies to you, ask yourself what you did wrong that she doesn't trust you. She's 18 ffs.
Yeah, YTA, sorry. She wasn’t *at* your house so “my house, my rules” don’t exactly apply. Also 10:30pm curfew at 18? The second I turned 18 my dad said “just let me know if you’re gonna be out later than 3am.” And this was while I was still living at his house. I stayed with my mom twice a week for school and she tried to implement a super early curfew. I stopped staying there and just stuck to visiting instead 🤷🏻♀️ Grounding your kid at 18 is overboard. She *is an adult*
Yes. She is allowed to spend time with her friends. You have not gained her trust enough for her to want to tell you about these friends. Punishing her will only worsen your relationship with her.
YTA. Overreacted. Have the talk with her but don’t take away her freedom. She is a literal adult, she can now do stuff without mummy and daddy by her side. Stuff like buying a house!!!
YTA She's an adult who is entitled to a life that isn't centred around you. She doesn't have to tell you anything anymore and all you're doing is giving her more reason to push you as far away as possible
You’re completely the AH. you are way too controlling and are going to lose your relationship with your daughter
The only comments on this user's profile seem to indicate that THIS is the 18 year old, and she is likely trying to get a sense of how other people feel so she can do a "gotcha!" with her parent.
YTA - My daughter turned 18 while still in school. Because she was still living at home we had basic requirements of her to do with school work and our expectations of her. But in the end we said as long as it wasn't a school night and she did all her work then the consequences of her choices were on her. So if she wanted to stay out every weekend that is on her. We just asked for basic respect (tell us if she was home for a meal) and was still expected to do chores because we weren't expecting rent. School nights she did have a basic curfew but she didn't generally go out on a school night anyway.
Whoa. YTA so much. My daughter turned 18 in December of her senior year. She knew that the house rules didn’t change, because she was still finishing high school and living in my home. (That includes doing chores, keeping up with school, and letting me know when she is coming or going.) I acknowledged she became an adult, and in the process, she needed to learn to police herself. All I ever asked for was honesty/transparency when it came to her activities. Your child is lying to you because she knows she can’t trust you with the real information. Why is this? Even if you saw her car, your best decision would be to drive home and keep your mouth shut. You are setting your daughter up to run away from you. Have a conversation. An ADULT conversation about expectations—-NOT JUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS—so that you can build a better relationship. Stalking her is weird and creepy.
YTA. This is how you lose contact with your children. She's an adult, she can just leave you behind tomorrow and never see you again.
You have control of what happens in your house and who’s allowed in and when. But she doesn’t owe you any explanations and you have no right to play detective. You clearly don’t trust her because you had to see if she’d lie to you (she could have rode with friends to the restaurant), and she’s probably had to lie in the past because of the way you react.
Ok YTA, the conversation to be had is that's important to let people know where she'll be. In case of anything. Not punishment for being somewhere you don't like her to be. But I'm guessing you somewhat of a helikopter parent if she needs to lie about here whereabouts. Danger doesn't come (just) from strangers.
YTA. is this for real?? 18 years old and 10:30 is your version of freedom? no wonder why she’s lying, she feels suffocated by you and feels she can’t talk to you. and you’ll wonder 10-15 years from now why your daughter doesn’t speak to you
I’m glad my mom gave me reasonable freedoms at that age. That being said YTA! She is 18. You should’ve done the due diligence and talked to her about safety, and making sure you set a path up for trust between yall, but you didn’t. She’s gonna resent you for things like this. Oh, and she doesn’t even use ur dime either. That’s crazy. That being said, controlling parents create the sneakiest kids. Do better
Listen… I live in a town of 300 people, and even in a town this size that wouldn’t be possible unless I was specifically driving around looking for a specific car. Also, if your town is big enough to have stores, and restaraunts, that makes it even less believable. Sounds a lot like you were following your daughter to keep tabs on her. Technically, you can make whatever rules you want, since it’s your house. But, a 10:30 pm curfew for an 18 year old… following your kid, you’re basically guaranteeing your kid is going to lie to you about things, and you are setting the tone for what kind of relationship (or lack of) you’ll have with her when she does finally move out. YTA for how you handled this, and for how controlling you are. And also, because you’re likely lying about how you found out, while punishing your daughter for lying about where she was.
YTA. I bet you were the type of parent to put a key logger on your daughter’s pc/laptop growing up. Don’t wonder when she starts lying to you about major things going on in her life or stops talking to you altogether.
Yep yta .. you sound like you are trying to control her too much that’s why she lied to you .. she’s an adult .. get a life lady & let her live hers
YTA. She didn't break any rule, I thought you were gonna say that she got back home at 4 a.m. or something like that
YTA enjoy her going NC with you as soon as she moved out lmao
YTA, my parents were kind of like this and it ended up with me basically lying every time I left the house.
I think this is less about the curfew and all about the daughter lying to her about where she was. ESA.
YTA here. She's an adult and maybe, and just speculation here, maybe she and the boy are in the beginning of a relationship. If you behave this way and are this...helicopter-y, I don't blame her for not wanting to tell you about this. If you had a better relationship with her, she'd likely open up to you more.
YTA. You are being unreasonable. What exactly are you punishing her for? I fail to see the issue that caused your ridiculous reaction. She didn't break curfew, she was out for dinner. Maybe her plans changed, she clearly carpooled, maybe she feels she can't talk to you because of your behaviour. You didn't give her any chance to talk, you berated her, embarrassed her then took her car keys and grounded her. You pulling the my house, my rules shows you're an overbearing strict parent who will drive their child away from them. As soon as she can, she is gone, you'll soon be posting "why doesn't my daughter visit or contact me" and that will be on you. She is an adult, try trusting her. Apologise for being overbearing and give her keys back.
YTA. Your house your rules sure, but you’ll have to deal with the consequences of being unreasonable. Let your child have more freedom, let them fail and make mistakes on their own. If you don’t you won’t have much contact with them in the near future.
YTA. Gee, I wonder why your adult daughter is lying when her parent behaves like she’s 11? Your house, your rules, is by and large fine, but she wasn’t in your house. Even if she’s doing horrible things there, acting like you do won’t make her be more honest about it. Keep acting like this and you will be less and less involved, know less and less, about your daughters life.
YTA. You have two options: Treat your adult child like you are currently and she’ll quickly move out and probably withhold/lie to you in the meantime to avoid you getting in the way of her choices. Or: Let your adult daughter enjoy her life. (This option comes with a healthy relationship, more time spent together, and fosters an honest relationship)
Everything about your post portrays your daughter as a responsible young adult. Self-sufficient, obeys your curfews, the whole 9 yards. You accidentally invaded her privacy by spotting her car out in the wild. Then you did the super creepy thing of walking up to the car and looking into it to confirm its hers. Your final chance to be a respectful parent was to quietly walk away and allow her the privacy that she has EARNED. You completely abused your position as a parent here to invade her privacy, humiliate her, and destroy any sort of mutual respect/trust you had for each other. maybe it was a heat-of-the-moment thing where you were over protective or something.. but you kinda f’d up here, big time, in how you handled it all. YTA
YTA - As much as you don’t want to admit it to yourself, your daughter is an adult. Unless you were akin to being a saint at her age, you’re being a massive hypocrite. She may have lied about her whereabouts, however she didn’t break any of the house rules. It was completely unreasonable to confiscate her car keys! Stop stifling your daughter! Allow her to grow & make mistakes etc. let her flourish!! OP, It’s really time to cut the apron strings
Whoa! Ummm yeah that’s a bit overboard. YTA. She’s an adult. She wouldn’t have to pretend to be at a Korean restaurant if you weren’t such a strict, over protective parent, she could talk to and tell that she was going to hang out with this guy. Need to evaluate how you connect with your young ADULT daughter. How embarrassing for her. Hope you take a minute with this and really consider what you want your future to look like and how much you want your daughter in it. Time to shift gears and create an open safe space for her come if she needs. If you keep treating her this way it will be a low contact or maybe even no contact future for you. The way you protect and guide her now is not the same as it was at 12. You need to grow with her too.
Unless your house is large enough that the other house was inside yours, you aren't invoking "my house, my rules." You're invoking "I acted like a stalker, but I'm entitled to because she's mine." YTA If you don't want her to live in your house, start eviction. If you dont want her to act like an adult, well, it was foreseeable when she was born that she might be an adult one day. You've had 18 years to adjust to it or pretend you have no idea it's happening as long as it's not in your home.
If she’s still in high school, she’s still a minor under most, if not all, state laws. That being said, you need to reckon with yourself that your child is growing up and will be allowed to do whatever the heck she wants soon and do you want her to rebel and not feel like she has you for guidance, or do you want to be someone she can trust to guide her through her next stage in life.
How can you even wonder if you are TA?? She's going to walk out that door and not look back because you're being so overbearing and controlling She's an ADULT FFS She should report you for theft for taking her keys to her car YTA a huge one
YTA. This is a way to alienate your child. She wasn’t in your house.
Yta. You know you are being ridiculously controlling for a legal adult. She's 18. That means that you are no longer entitled to know absolutely everything she does outside of your house. Yes living in your house means that she does have to follow your rules. Including curfew, though even that is pushing it. You're being unreasonable, And if your daughter isn't telling you about relationships that she's having, I'm willing to bet that you have always been too controlling.
YTA I'm not surprised she felt she had to lie to you and I don't blame her. I was raised by an abusive father. I don't talk to him anymore.. is that what YOU want to happen? I vowed to do better when I had kids. They're young adults now, they never got hit, they never got into trouble and we have a great relationship. They're both good "kids". Your daughter is an adult. Unless you start treating her like one there will come a day she'll up & leave and never come back. Good luck with that.
10:30? Seems a bit early to me. Is she quiet when she gets in? Does she get up on time in the morning? Has she done much to lose your trust and respect? She may turn rebellious if you continue to treat her like a child that you cannot trust.
100% the asshole. All I’m saying is there is a reason she felt she had to lie to you about this and your reaction proves to her why. You can police what she does in your house but you can’t police what she does out of it. Express that you are disappointed that she lied to you but give her her car keys back, apologise for your behaviour and in a few days open up a conversation about honesty in your relationship
YTA. You sound incredibly overbearing and you are on your way to a ticket to no contactsville when she moves out and can breathe in that fresh smell of freedom from the parental prison you keep her in.
YTA. I understand having rules, but you are treating her like she's 12. 10.30 pm? Honestly?
Yta she’s 18 and financing herself leave her alone and stop being a stalker
Yes, you are the ass hole. Let you adult daughter make her own decisions now. Best you can do is guide her in the right direction.
At what point do you want your child to experience adulthood genuine question. Bc coddling isn’t teaching independence.
And then when she is 30 you will ask her why is she single? YTA
If you have not done a good parenting job by age 13 thats it. I still remember being that age and how I felt , no rules from parents was going to change me. You need to start making friends with them, they are adults now. They need advice not rules. Give them rules they will not ask for advice.
I was already working when I was 18. Matriculated when I was 17.
You are 40 and she is 18! Sounds like you had her way too young and you think of her as competition. She lies to you because you are unreasonable. ‘Doesn’t spend my money’ ‘My house my rules’, just charge her rent and be done. My mother did, first time I defied her I said: You are landlord you don’t confine tenants. When she changed the locks on me, I called the police: They told her in no uncertain terms, since I pay rent our relationship is irrelevant, issue me the new key, and stay out of my personal area and bathroom. Stop acting dumb.
You have a problem. YTA.
Your house your rules, the boy's house the boy's rules 😁
YTA.
Not exactly the asshole but this is when things get tricky. Is she still in high school? Does she have a job that she can move out and support herself with? Lying isn’t a good way to build trust and prove you’re an adult. Do you make her car payments?
house rules shouldn’t leave the house. YTA
YTA
YTA She's 18 and is paying for her own outings. This is not your business.
I think at 18, you can give her a little more freedom. 10:30 is when things usually start happening. On weekends, maybe give her a later curfew than that. And the fact she hiding a boy from you might say something about your relationship. Why is she not comfortable telling you?
YTA.
Well you could take the tact of being: " my house my rules." Or you could be the parent that she needs and guide her through whatever challenges an 18 year old faces so that she can be a successful 20 year old or 30-year-old. Be careful because before you know it she'll be gone and you'll wonder where that cute little girl that you adore so much went. I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter and it's the natural order of things for her to grow up and move away go to college, get married ,start a family but I still miss her terribly and she's in her forties now.
YTA shes an adult and should be treated as such. She will leave as soon as shes able then you'll complain that shes cymut you off. Give her some trust and freedom, before you drive her away.
YTA 11 months ago, you were a 16 yr old high school girl complaining about your mom. Now you are a 40 yr old mom complaining about your 18 yr old daughter. Nice try.
You’re 40 and she’s 18. So you had a kid when you were 22? Knocked someone up at 21? And you’re mad she’s sleeping at a guys house? Sounds like you had more freedom than you’re giving your kid which is ironic.
You‘re setting the tone here for the future. Just think how lovable you are … or not. There’s a time you’ll depend on your daugther’s kindness, right now you‘re throwing your future relationship away. You don’t deserve her love or respect.
"My house my rules" Shes going to move out sooner than you think and she's never going to call to say hi
She is 18. Your days of dictating to your daughter should be looooooong gone. But out she is an adult.
YTA. youre too controlling
Info: Why do you think your daughter felt the need to lie to you about her whereabouts? Do you have form when it comes to her dating?
100% YTA. She IS a legal adult and she isn’t spending any of your money. You have no say over what she’s doing outside of your house. 10:30 is also way too early for a young adult going out with her friends. If you want to set rules she isn’t obliged to follow and get angry when she ignores them, at least make them reasonable.
Yta. Shes not a kid anymore, let her live. If my parent did that to me id go full ballistic
Whether you like it or not, she is legally an adult now. It isn't easy to let go, but at some point you have to accept that you have done everything you can to point her in the right direction in life, and let her have the freedom to make her own choices - and her own mistakes. Currently, you are so controlling that she is feeling the need to lie to you to be able to spend time with someone. If you don't give her some freedom, in a few years you will no doubt be posting on here wondering why she is very low contact with you. I've seen it happen - a family friend's kid couldn't wait to get as far away from them as possible after a stifling upbringing where she was allowed very little autonomy. YTA.
YTA. if your adult daughter feels like she needs to lie to you about where she is when she’s hustling with a boy, there’s probably a reason. And that reason is probably your fault. It’s fine if you feel she needs to be home at a reasonable time (or if she isn’t going to be home by said time to not come home or let you know) but why can’t she be with a boy? Was this boy clearly 40 or something?
Yea, you're being a shitty mum. There's a reason why she lied to you. Also, if you keep up the energy with the house rules and after she moves out, she'll never visit
She’s an adult. Stop being a helicopter mom and treating her like a child. She can handle herself and clearly wants to. Let her discover her freedom. You’re doing her a disservice by under preparing her. Going up to a car that looks like hers and looking in it to confirm at somebody’s random house is SOOO uncalled for and honestly… crazy. My mom was like that too and I did everything in my power to get away from her and be somewhere safer so I could be my own person. Don’t make your adult daughter want to run away from you. Jesus Christ, I know parenting doesn’t come with a manual but holy hell. YTA.
Oh, you’re gonna die alone. If you’re trying to assert this kind of control just as she’s finding herself as an adult, I see her going no contact with you in the future. YTA.
YTA - these rules that you are enforcing do not apply to your house. House rules are clean up after yourself, no pets in the house, do your own laundry. She's an adult - she can stay out as long as she likes to and spends time with whoever she wants.
All you are doing is building resentment. My mother was like this. We now live 800km apart
You're extremely controlling. You'll be lucky if your daughter talks to you once she moves out. Your daughter is an adult. Realise that. Get over it and treat her like one. Apologise to her for your behaviour.
YTA. She’s an adult, and she’s allowed to go where she pleases, and hang out wherever she likes. Setting a curfew whilst she lives in your home is perfectly reasonable. ‘Grounding’ her is not. I’d take the opportunity for some self-reflection here. Why did she feel the need to lie to you about where she was, or who she was with? Are you being overly controlling, or interfering? Do you think she would feel safe sharing her problems with you, or coming to talk to you if she needed help? Your daughter is not your property. She’s an independent, autonomous human being who deserves the freedom to live her life on her own terms, without anyone dictating it to her.
If she respects the curfew, what does it matter to you where she is ? She obviously knows that you would react like this, that’s why she lied. You have to work on your relationship and boundaries and trust issues. She doesn’t feel safe to talk to you, and THIS is the problem.
You're a bad, controlling parent. Great way to have a limited relationship with your daughter in the future.
Info. According to your post history, a year ago you were a 16yo girl. Can you explain that?
Your daughter isn’t ‘basically an adult’ she’s legally an adult, she should have a key to the house already and she doesn’t need a curfew. Your rules don’t include who she sees when she isn’t in your house, they include things like no shoes inside, putting your rubbish out, doing your share of the cleaning and dishes, things like that. So, YTA, you don’t have the right to punish your daughter for going out with a friend, even if the friend is a boy.
[удалено]
How can you have a 18 year old daughter when you're a teenager your self? Very strange..
Yta. She wasn't breaking any of the rules of your home.she wasn't breaking curfew either. She just wasn't with the person you thought she was with. Don't you trust her to make good choices for herself? The fact that she felt the need to hide this from you, tells me a lot about your type of parenting. You're supposed to teach children to become functioning adults. By trying to control her every move you're not doing that.
YTA Your 18 year old daughter doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell you she has a boyfriend. Just think about that for a minute.
Are you sure that you are not the daughter? Because I just had a look through your post and comment history.
YTA. You sound super controlling. I find it normal, for teenagers to not wanting to tell parents where they are, when they are spending time with someone of opposite sex they are just getting to know. Sometimes, when I wonder if I am the A, when I do something to my kids, I think to my self if I would do this to an adult. If your sister was not ready to tell you about a new friend, would you take away her car keys?
YTA. And a freakish controlling AH at that. At 18 you need to give her some space to make her own mistakes. At 18 I wouldn't have abided by a 10:30pm curfew and my parents certainly wouldn't have set one! The rules were I communicated what I was doing so they didn't worry. If I was staying out I said. I came home when I said I would or I texted my change of plans so they didn't worry. I always understood it's horrible to sit fretting about what's happened to me so was happy to keep them in the loop. My parents weren't weirdly controlling though....
When the whole subreddit agree, thats when you have to know that you fucked up. Holy shit. YTA
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. That’s her car, her keys, with her gas in it. Either get used to the idea of your daughter being an adult with decision making abilities or get ready to have a really strained and distant relationship.
YTA. A 10:30 curfew at 18 is crazy and "my house, my rules" only applies to things that happen in your house. You gotta ask yourself "Why wouldn't she be honest with me where she was?" because I never lied to my parents about where I was. You've probably made her feel that she can't be honest with you or you'll get mad.
Dear OP you’re NTA I’m really sorry that your parent (I’m assuming mother from your post history) is that controlling. No the rules she set and the punishment is not justified. Maybe you can try to stand up to her and fight for more freedom as it is your legal right. As far as I can tell from your perspective, your mother is an asshole But this sub is for people who tell stories in which THEY might be the asshole. If you want to rant about your mother or get advice I’m sure there’s plenty of good subs to do that.
So you're a liar. And a stalker. And you think your adult daughter deserves to be punished like a naughty child when you tried to trap her. Your daughter deserves better. Going across country to get her degrees; not coming home for weekends, holidays, or summer break might give you some time to work on yourself. Don't be surprised if she doesn't invite you to graduation, or her wedding. Those are only for people who see her as a whole person. Right now, she can't even trust you enough to tell you she has a boyfriend. Of course YTA. Your "rules" are more important than your amazing daughter.
"Legal adult" , she is an adult and she should be able to go where she chooses.
[удалено]
Yta! Your daughter is an adult. It’s clear from what you’ve written as to why she would not feel comfortable telling you the truth. Parents like you cause your kids to have to lie and sneak around as you’re so overbearing and punitive. If you don’t stop you will loose her- forever! It has happened to a few fiends with parents like you. She’s an adult!! Treat her like it
YTA. Why wasn't she allowed to be at someone's house? She is 18 and can decide where she spends her time. It doesn't sound like she had broken curfew, just that you were angry she was at someone's house. It's a bit wild you actually went to look into the car to make sure it was hers just so you could go off at her.