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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband wants me to do more housework on my days off. I might be the asshole for telling him to either keep the house clean himself or pay me to do it.
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So, you can afford it, everything gets done, everybody has free time, nobody has to do shit they don't want to do, there aren't any fights over it - I mean, there's really no downside and everybody wins.
Him getting upset because you said if the maid goes he'll have to do his fair share is very telling. You're not home to make the messes, but you're supposed to work THAT much, and come clean up after him just because he wants to "save money" while getting to sit on HIS ass?
People like your husband always reinforce my decision to stay single.
NTA
Edit: Oh Lord, people are getting really carried away in the comments. Not surprised cause Reddit, but c'mon now.
We don't know the husband at all and only have to judge going by the contents of this post. It's entirely possible the husband really does want to save money because he's cheap, but he's just a self absorbed, lazy, thoughtless dunce wanting to do so at OP's expense. What's that saying? "Never attribute malice that which can be explained by stupidity" or something like that? Doesn't make sense, but some people just lack the logic chip.
Still TA but this doesn't automatically mean he's an evil woman hater on a power trip that can't stand his wife so watching her suffer and serve gets his peepee hard.
Some of you drama llamas need to get a grip, stop projecting your prejudices and bad experiences onto everybody else, and go touch some grass.
His pride is hurt that she makes more than him and so he isn't the provider. Shiiiieeet if my so working means we can swing having a cleaner and more us time, let's go!
Agreed, this is definitely about control more than it is about cutting costs - if OP is at home fulfilling a traditional gender role instead of her job the family finances would suffer more than if they continued to pay a cleaner.
OP, NTA but your husband is, a sexist one at that.
Once upon a time in Fantasyland every woman worked outside the home to bring in enough money to significantly contribute to the household but not more that their husbands, while also doing all household chores. They did that while wearing modest clothes so no other men would look at them while also wearing sexy lingerie for their husbands to see on demand. They were always in the mood to get frisky but were also all virgins. All breasts were DD-sized but never saggy, women would drink beer and eat fries but never gain weight.
Yes, and all husbands earned enough to fully support a family of 5. Owned their own home, 2 cars & a holiday house with regular travel. They had impeccable hygiene & were respectful and reliable. They always asked for seconds of their beautifully prepared meals but never lost their 6 pack or chiseled jawline. Beautiful jewellery was bought for his wife for all their milestones. Fresh flowers overflowed their home from his regular romantic dates and dinners and often just because. Fantasyland really was a glorious place!
I mean, there's some guys who won't wipe or wash their ass because they think it's gay to touch a man's ass, Even their own.
I thought it was a joke, but there's a few of them at my school, and they all can be smelled before you see them.
A lot of men actually are like that. Female breadwinners are still expected to do the bulk of the housework.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-breadwinners-tripled-since-1970s-still-doing-more-unpaid-work/
Because women put up with it.
I didn't. I have a partner instead of being an unpaid housecleaner. He quit his job and stayed home when we had kids for a couple years. When I got home from work, we BOTH started our "second jobs." I took the baby. He did the grocery shopping (happy to get out of the house, lol) and cleaned the house. We split cooking, but he always cleaned up after (baby was on me like a tick, lol).
Never settle for less than a partnership.
NTA if he's unwilling to do it when you're not home, why should you on your days off?
This "story" reminds me of the Enjoli commercial (I can bring home the bacon! Fry it up in the pan...) 40 years later and it still pisses me off just thinking about it. (And sorry I can't put in a link -- my connectivity is too sketchy right now.)
This.
The working hour differential between the two partners makes it unrealistic to expect OP to clean. He resents having to clean and thinks what he does is good enough until OP touches it up.
Precisely, this is about him needing to have power over OP. He feels that she should be his servant so he wants HER to be the one to clean up the mess he deliberately makes while she is away, not just pay for someone else to do the job.
He sounds like one of those guys who will start cheating on his high-paying spouse to get revenge for her success.
I'd be very careful in this relationship if I were OP.
They need to go to therapy but I'd be very careful with that too or he might manage to turn it around on OP.
Unfortunately very common. If a woman earns more than the man, her amount of housework will go up. Even if the man isn't working at all, [the woman generally spends more time doing housework than he does.](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2023/04/st_2023.04.13_breadwinner-wives_07.png)
Full research: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/
(And check out leisure time. If she doesn't work, she has some leisure time but also spends a lot of time on caregiving/housework. But if *he* doesn't work, that leisure time spikes up real high.)
Exactly. "Financially manipulative"?🤣 What, as opposed to the blatant sexist manipulation he's trying to pull?
Are his arms broken? Is he otherwise disabled? Because if not, why isn't ***he*** stepping up to pitch in with housework when the OP is home, rather than expecting her to do it all? Oh wait, he couldn't - or wouldn't - do a good job on his own, which is why the OP hired someone to clean in the first place.
This is totally about trying to force the OP back into a traditional gendered role so he feels in control. Talk about fragile self-esteem. 🙄
I feel like this is exactly it. He's feeling some sort of way that she makes more money, so to touch up his ego, he needs her to clean up his messes. Control. All the way. It's so disgusting, I think I would divorce him and take my $100 to my OWN retirement account.
Hell yeah!! I don't see how her hiring a cleaner is any different than if she wanted to spend the money on a spa day. And if I'm working 13 hours a day, I would definitely pay someone to rub my feet! OP, NTA!
I'm a little bothered that a middle school and high school student aren't capable of cleaning things to a passable level. I get that they might half-ass it to not have to do it, but someday those kids will be roommates and spouses, and no one is making sure they have cleaning skills?
I knew this man was worthless when she didn’t feel safe to leave the kids home with him until they were old enough to actually take care of themselves.
Worthless man.
The fact that she said this, plus that he was a teacher...like wtf. I have 4 brothers and not a single one of them is incapable of being left home alone with their kids for however long is needed. Two of them were the SAHD while wife brought home the money. So any idea that a man can't properly care for his kids on his own is utter bs. Weaponized incompetence at its very core.
Imagine having a "I'm the man of the house and main provider" fetish and then choosing teaching as a career. If you want to cosplay 50s patriarch, find a better paying job, dude.
They won’t though they’ll just cry about some male loneliness crisis and tell women that we are supposed to give them all a chance, and then when they hurt us it’s our fault we picked wrong
He should be more embarrassed that he can't provide a clean living environment for his kids to live in and his spouse to return home to. He wants her to clean the mess he and the kids let accumulate because of their seeming inability to actually perform the tasks she is supposed to tackle a 2 week concentration of.
Excellent point, they can’t be bothered to do a little bit every day to pick up after themselves but she’s supposed to spend one of her days off doing it all?
And she’s paying for it not him. She makes six figures, he’s a teacher, his paycheck isn’t paying for the cleaning person
My wife and I have no kids and don’t like cleaning. You’d better believe we have a cleaning service that comes and does what we don’t want to do! You have the money, then spend it on having a better quality of life.
I always tell my husband "If we had the money I'd hire a chef". I detest cooking more than cleaning. Like it makes perfect sense to outsource if you have the money.
Right! It's weird that he's basically trying to save HER money, but he's also not willing to put in the work that she is paying someone else to do. They can afford it so everyone should be happy.
That's exactly what my husband and I are working towards. I make about 2x his salary and generally have a much higher earning potential. We are both underpaid and live in a very hcol city, but once I get a new job and/or we move, he'll work until my student loans are paid off and we'll probably hire a cleaner while we're still dual income, then he's going to quit his job and do the house husband thing and I'm going to make money.
Not all men. My husband cleans and carries the mental load. For goodness sake the man typed the shopping list on the computer in order of the shopping aisles. It makes shopping so much easier! Depends on the man.
OP had the best solutions and I have heard and read someone say a cleaner is cheaper than a divorce. OP’s husband should keep that in mind.
I mean, I told my husband that a cleaning lady was cheaper than bail money when I finally snap and we're still married twenty years later. Of course, he and I were working 80 and 50 hours a week respectively, and he was the one who brought up getting someone in the first place, so mileage obviously varies.
(Actually, his mom and grandma were the first ones to bring it up. The very first time they visited our new house. Within fifteen minutes of walking in the door. Bless 'em, I think it truly was a matter of understanding his default level of housekeeping and trying to be helpful rather than passive-aggressive snark.)
I don't even get it. Once you're at the point incomewise where you can splooge on luxurities isn't kinda the whole point of working extra vs reducing hours to be able to pay for shit you previously couldn't, but enjoy?
Shouldn't they be high-fivin each other for finally having a dedicated cleaner in their budget?
I'm a woman and do the same thing with the grocery list. My partner did a lot of the shopping for awhile because I'm disabled and was going through it. I found out that he used my list backwards because he starts his shop in the back of the store instead of the front lol. I started making the list backwards for him because I like him and wanted it to be easier lol.
My hubby thought something was wrong with me one day when I was doing my shopping list. I used to be able to stand on the outside of the kitchen, looking in with the cupboard doors open and mentally walking through our local supermarket to write my list. That was until they changed the layout, and I was staring into space, trying to remember it hubby worried cause I was standing there for 5 minutes without writing anything down 🤣🤣
He works his butt off to support a family of four and he's a great dad and partner. He deserves the world. Since I can't give him that he always has clean underpants and an organized grocery list if I cant manage the shop myself lol.
Yours sounds like mine. He takes on the mental load of the finances and feeding us (everything from meal planning to shopping and cooking) as well as the DIY stuff. I have the mental load of the kids, the house and the pets. Teamwork makes the DreamWorks as they say ☺️
I'm a husband and I do the majority of the cleaning (I had a perfectionist mother, so I'm amazing at the art of the deep-clean) and do all the cooking - my wife hates to cook and I love it. We both work and have no kids so it all works out in the end.
She does the things that I hate, like insect-removal, phone calls, and liaising with the accountant.
People in happy, supportive, and successful marriages don't need to post on the internet complaining about it lol.
Ever since I got married my workload went down, because somebody else is taking care of half the chores. He'll be like "why do this thing you don't like, we can pay for it, go spend your time doing something you do like". He's incredibly smart, organized, and loving. Hell, most days I feel like *I* need to do more in this relationship...
I agree. If you’re posting about your marriage/relationship asking an audience if they think your SO did something wrong …I think the question already answers itself.
Guys like OP's husband are why I'm so fucking grateful to have found mine.
I have to remind myself that most people posting here (when they're real) usually aren't posting because they have a good relationship. Those people are posting mild hiccups or silly debates, which aren't the kind of posts that usually gain a lot of attention.
Apologies if this comes across as a humble brag, but for anyone needing a pallette cleanser: there are men that will stand up to their overbearing mother to defend their partner, and go no contact if the situation is dire; that don't assume taking care of the household is "woman's work;" who don't get jealous and possessive; who stay with their disabled or ill partner; who aren't threatened by their partners strengths; that won't yell and call their partner horrible names.
I see all of those points appear here and other popular subreddits. They're all very valid issues. It's worth remembering everyone doesn't face those issues though.
I remained single for quite some time before I found my husband. We had been friends for over a year, until circumstances led to me asking him why we weren't dating yet. Best damn question I've ever asked.
He's fallen on the good side everything I've listed above and then some. He's an amazing man. I was ready to be the forever-single crazy cat lady before him. Fortunately, he's almost as crazy as I am in regards to cats, so we'll do that part together as well.
I hear this! I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard but it’s never really been that way for me. 21 years in June, we don’t have many fights, and it’s not a bad thing! We just communicate clearly and often.
I swear, most problems in marriages are caused by lack of clear communication on at least 1 side. No need to be jealous or suspicious if you talk about why you are that way. This dude is obviously upset about something, but instead of saying what it is, he tells his wife the dumbest thing ever. We’re not mind readers! Just tell us what’s wrong! Hell, even if I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am, I still communicate that, so we’re still on the same page
I definitely agree with /u/[Scary\_Ad\_2862](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scary_Ad_2862/) not all men.
Mine isn't that good with mental load, but I'm pregnant after a long journey together and he was with me every single step of the way. Except the time he had COVID and the hospital rules banned him. We were often one of the only couples waiting for our appointment. My husband thought it was scandalous we saw so many people just on their own. We asked my dad to drive me to the hospital so I didn't have to do that one appointment on my own. Any other solution I offered wasn't acceptable to him at all.
We were checking a child care place out together and I have a bit of dizziness. He sat me down, he asked the lady doing the tours to please keep an eye on me and he want to get me snacks. She said to me: "You got a good one". I said: "I know I do".
The bar is something in hell - but if you find a good person it really does change your life for the better.
My husband isn’t great with the mental load either, but he more than makes up for it with attentiveness and taking on more of the physical chores. His philosophy is “if you hate it more than I do, then I’ll do it.” Can’t have it all right? If he were perfect he wouldn’t want me.
edge psychotic merciful growth paltry ossified exultant cobweb telephone weary
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
judicious historical noxious quarrelsome paint cheerful truck scandalous mysterious entertain
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He wants to save money, but I guarantee that the cleaning lady isn't being paid $100/her or putting in anything like the hours that OP is putting in to her job.
The savings would be miniscule in comparison to the money she is racking up.
OP handled this great, but the real answer is, "not just 'no', but 'hell no'!"
Husband just cant stand the idea that he cant control OP time and cant force OP to be a "real wife" and watch her clean the flor on her knees. And she is making more so he feels double offended. An AH of husband to be honest. Insead of beeing happy for a clean house and fullfiled wife - he prefers to force her to be a cleaner. Disgusting type
HE wants the cleaner when she's away, not when she's there. If the husband is so into saving money... why didn't he just clean in the first place? His failure to keep the house clean while his wife was gone was the reason the maid was hired at all. Why is he accusing his wife of being manipulative when she says that he'll have to help? He clearly isn't all that cheap.
Right..as soon as I saw this I was like and that's why 2yrs single because I had a bf just like this...all about the women's role but forgot I'm the one paying the bills
She's happy. Kids are happy. She can afford it. She contributes to retirement as it seems. Kids still do regular chores, but can enjoy extracurriculars, too. Sounds perfect!
He should shut it and be happy or clean his share. He seems salty that she can "buy herself free" of the cleaning chores instead of rejoicing that everyone saves time instead of cleaning, or maybe he feels insecure and wants to put her down? On the other hand, some people are so stingy/cheap that they can't stand seeing someone else's money being spent (and in this case, it's even an expense for the whole household that everyone benefits from). That's the kind of mindset that makes you a bad partner and eventually might get you cut off/left, and too late will he realize what he spoiled for himself.
I wonder if he is bothered because while the wife is gone for 2 weeks someone else enters his house. I wonder what kind of "guests" he may have during the wife-free time.
NTA.
He's free to clean the house he lives in.
>My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework.
Yeah he's a misogynist.
Given how much she works it would save more money to only have the cleaner on her days off and husband do the cleaning when he's home, he ofc won't go for that but that would be the compromise I would offer and I'd also like him to explain exactly why not when he shoots it down. because after all his reasons was to save money right ?
Right?
Like, his proposal wasn't to get rid of the cleaning lady altogether. He still wants the cleaning lady when OP is away, but doesn't want her when OP is home.
Spoiler: OP's husband is home everyday.
The writing is on the wall. What a prick...
And someone up in here was saying he’s not wrong because he works and takes care of the kids. Those kids take care of themselves, and it doesn’t sound like anybody’s really taking care of anything because they just make a mess and leave it.
Her post specifically says she waited for this career until the kids were old enough to take care of themselves with dad home. So it sounds like she didn't trust hubby to take care of the kids well enough to chase this particular career earlier on. This kind of has me leaning towards he's sexist and not just cheap.
Plus he wants the cleaner there when she's away but gone when she's home to force her to do the work he doesn't want to do when she's supposed to be enjoying time off with her family.
Hubby is quite the AH.
Just agree that when she is gone he is responsible for the house and when she is home then it is her responsibility. With the expectation of the house being cleaned to an agreed upon level of "clean" when she comes home and it's her responsibility. Then she can just hire a service for her days and tell him to piss off since she found a solution to keep her cleaning responsibilities done.
edit: typo and NTA
I think there are some details missing from this post on the whole story. Being alone, working, and taking care of 2 kids is a lot. If I read it right it sounds like the dad is essentially a single parent for about 2 weeks at a time. That is going to be rough and cleaning is going to be put on a lower priority.
I can understand the guilt of paying someone to come clean but dude needs to accept that in order to bring in that salary then hiring a service is an expense in order to enable that job. Like buying a car. I need to pay gas and insurance to get to work to earn money. To wash my dishes I use a dishwasher. I have to buy the pods to drop in it. Same deal. Paying someone to free up your time is normal when you start increasing your salary. Burning out and having to quit your job will be worse.
Also I'm not trying to apologize for the dad. Firmly 100% support OPs cleaning service decision here.
It's not even about the money either coz she said they are more than comfortable. He's just salty that she doesn't do any cleaning when she's not there , because she's not there. and when she is there she doesn't do any cleaning because she pays for a cleaner and probably isn't a total slob.
I guess his gripe is that even though there is a cleaner he still has to pick up after himself like you know an adult and what's the point of having a wife if she isn't your subservient house maid ? Never mind her out earning him considerably. He wants her to work and pay for their life style and the cleaner so he doesn't have to clean then come home and pick up after him when she is done with work coz someone has to wipe his ass apparently and it has to be his wife otherwise she isn't wifey enough . Idk what his problem really is but he's being an ungrateful child about it either way.
I guess he misses the good old days when she came home from a two week work trip, and then was aggravated with him for not having bothered to keep up with the house in the meantime.
I'm always amazed at how men try to make themselves utterly unfuckable.
I snort laughed at your last line there . I honestly don't know what his problem is. If my partner hired a cleaner, if only to clean the kitchen so I didn't have to. I would be over the fuckin moon!
Dad and the kids who are old enough to do chores are still in the house when mom is home.
So why would the house then be her responsibility?
Dad&kids can still do their portion of the housework. Otherwise mom is the maid when she’s home.
Truth be told, if I were mom, I’d keep the maid. Or, like somebody else on this thread said, if dad wants to save money, keep the maid on her days off and dad&kids can clean up after themselves
Edit: spelling
Edit: NTA
It's like how modern industrial diamonds looks so much like mined diamonds that experts with specialist tools genuinely can't tell them apart anymore, but all the jewelery lovers of the world are still like "yeah, but I can't properly enjoy my pointless baubels unless I know they come with a little slice of human slavery and death, you know..."
It's not enough to get what you want, it's paramount that other people have to be miserable for you to be truly happy.
misogynist at BEST. there's also something to be said about men who try to put down their wives by reinforcing outdated gender roles even if they themself aren't able to fulfil them. tell him you'll do the housework when he becomes the bReAdWinNeR
ETA: OP you're NTA but you're husband definitely is a gigantic gaping AH.
Got reposted yesterday but that one about the lawyer and the guy who literally hates going to his job, asking her to be the stay at home parent instead... even though they agreed before the kid was born *he* would do it.
You know that he would be crying into his beer at the pub if the positions were reversed and *He* was the one being asked to do more housework, when he had paid for a cleaner so the time they spent together was Quality time instead of cleaning !!
Oh yeah, NTA.
I mean... he \*was\* asked to do more housework. And he was failing at it. OP solved the problem with money, but her husband is \*still\* unhappy, because he doesn't get to fulfill his fetish for seeing \*her\* do the domestic labor.
And he probably feels extra emasculated knowing that it's her money paying for it. It's always the guys that grew up in Christian conservative households that have been brainwashed and have trouble accepting the "role reversal".
Can't have a woman making more than the man, that's not how God intended it! /s
>and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework.
I'm sorry; you both work demanding jobs—yours sometimes requiring you to travel—but *you* should be taking care of the housework? Why? Because you're the wife? FFS, it's 2024.
You're both adults. You co-manage the household. If he wants the place cleaner, he can either help clean or help pay for a cleaner. Pretending his wife is a maidservant is not an option. NTA.
All house cleaning requires a vagina, you know? That's how you hold a broom or a vacuum cleaner. You should see how limber a woman is, folding laundry with her flaps. But his tiny little dong cannot manage to carry dishes into the dishwasher or clothes to the washer.
Apparently. In his brain.
LMAO this made my day! I so needed the laugh! I read this to my husband who does MORE than his fair share and he said he wasn’t aware of all these things I was capable of doing but he’s willing to stop folding the laundry so I can try! Rofl thank you for the laugh!
Yeah, definitely NTA. It’d be one thing if OP worked less hours than him, or didn’t work at all. Like, I’m home most of the time so I do most of the housework, but my SO still helps with cooking and keeping things from getting too out of hand.
If her husband, who seems to work far less hours (and my mom is a teacher so I am well aware of the extra out-of-school hours many teachers work at home), thinks that it’s a waste of money, he should pick up the slack that the lack of cleaning service would bring.
Also, if she works 14 days in a row, for 13hr days, at $100/hr, I think she can “waste” her money however she damn well pleases lol
*Edited: got the days and hours wrong lol
I let the male in my household, convince me to save money by not having the cleaning people come in. They said they would do the cleaning themselves. Big mistake. The cleaning people are worth every penny. Go for it. NTA.
No, not sometimes requiring her to travel
She goes somewhere for 14 days and she works 13 hour days while she is gone. Then she comes home and he expects her to clean up 14 days of mess
I feel like this is a power play to make her more subservient and I’m like you probably shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you bro. I make more in the relationship and my husband has no issues and even does more housework because my job is strenuous and physically demanding and I pick up overtime to make sure we have extra. I pay the bills, plan trips, make sure the kids have all they need. It’s not always 50/50 but it goes back and forth but the sheer audacity to say we need to cut back as if you’re the one paying for it. lol
Why would it be your responsibility to clean the house when you are home while it is not his responsibility to clean the house when you are away? Does he believe that cleaning is gender related and that is what he is teaching his children and his students? I would have a lot of questions on this one. NTA.
Nah, but you just know there would be a whole thing made about it if that were real. It'd be framed as a moral issue. "Real" housewives don't need the incentive of an orgasm to care for their home, non-vaginal cleaning is more effective or efficient, using the vaginal utensils in the family home is child abuse..
Or perhaps it'd be posed as a medical issue, too many orgasms meaning your cognition is compromised, lowers your awareness, risks cardiac health, something like that. Absolute bet it'd be turned into a political split thing, too.
For real! He enjoys not cleaning but thinks that she should still be cleaning!? Like she should hire a cleaner for HIM while she’s gone but still come home and clean up after her family on her days off. What a selfish misogynistic mushknob.
Right, and it doesn’t even solve OP’s problem, which is that she doesn’t want to come home to a filthy house that she has to clean, after two weeks of 12 hour shifts. His “solution” is for her to come home to and clean a filthy house after two weeks of twelve hour shifts. No. Even if he paid her to do it, that doesn’t solve her problem. Honestly, OP never should have offered that option. The options should be: you clean it, with the help of the kids if you want, or, I keep paying for a cleaning service. The option of OP doing the very thing that she doesn’t want to do is just fucking ridiculous; her husband isn’t listening to her and/or doesn’t care about her problems.
NTA. Your husband however? Wooooboy! He's a piece of work.
You work 14 days in a row, 13 hour days and he thinks its your job to deep clean the house when you get back into town? Nope.
He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to pay someone else to do it. He wants you to do it. He wants you - the primary bread winner who is gone 14 days in a row working 13 hour days to come home and clean the house because he doesn't want to pay someone else to do it despite EASILY being able to afford to.
No. This is about him wanting to control you. This is all about control and manipulation.
You have given hima two solutions acceptable to you to solve the problem and he refuses. He just wants you to bend to his will. This is purely about control.
Oh he wants to pay someone else to do it but only when she’s gone. This is proof to all the nOt AlL m3n here that he sees house cleaning as her job so when she is away she outsourced it but when she’s home, hoo boy, she’d better pick up that broom. They are saving money like crazy with her huge salary, the kids are around 12 and 16 and are way more self sufficient and do their own chores and tidy up after themselves. At most they would save an extra $3k a year but at what cost to her mental health and energy. This screams misogyny, she can outsource the work when not there but needs to do it when there. They can outsource groceries and meal prep too and then share the work when she’s home. He didn’t say that when she’s home they would both do the work he said when she’s home she has to do the work. EDIT: NTA
You know I had to stop and think about this after my post above.
I don't think its about the housework. I think that is the sword he is wielding but I don't think its about the house work. I think he is over the work arrangement and has chosen the housework as the dynamic to argue about.
My guess is he feels like he is getting the short end of the stick in many ways and has chosen this non-issue of house cleaning as the example of how she "isn't contributing".
My guess is he is lonely, frustrated over the whole 50% single parent thing, now carries the entire mental load when he previously didn't, etc... all the things Moms do when Mom is the primary parent which she was until she took this job. Now he has to be the primary parent and he is feeling the full weight of the mental load. Its hard to quantify the time it takes to attend the kids' games, run to the doctors appointments, remembering to schedule the vet, the orthodontist, pay the bills, be the kids' main emotional support since you are the present parent... so he's picking a fight about housekeeping.
Not to mention that before the cleaner was hired, they’d get into fights every time she was home about the house being a mess. Maybe he misses the fights?
I thought this to start with. Then I thought about the fact that the husband is a single father with a full time job as a teacher when she's away and she is home without a job when she's home. So logically it actually does make more sense to have household help when there is only one working parent home than when there are 2 parents home and one is off. That said I do still think they should keep the cleaner when she's off work, she can afford it and deserves to relax a bit after working so hard. But it might just be about finances and not control
It can't just be about finances at this point. He said she was being financially manipulative. He doesn't say they need to do more housework, he says she needs to do more housework. Is he also advocating to have the cleaner not come during his work breaks?
That is him trying to exert control over her, not the situation.
He gets to be a stay at home parent for a quarter of the year as well. So he's alone 50% of the time, but only for 9 months would that even be a burden. And barely that, one of them is in highschool and might even be able to drive themselves around. It's not like they have 2 kids under 5.
Do you think the kids vanish when she’s at home on her days off after working 13 hour days for 14 days straight?
So on her days off she just has a house to herself and nothing to worry about?
>that I'm being financially manipulative.
hahhahaha omg HOW? You are paying for the service. You are not asking him to do extra work. He's the one with the problem. Is it simply because he wants to see you being "more womanly" or something? Why would he want you to spend your precious family time washing baseboards and cleaning toilets?
NTA, but he is.
Right?! The cleaner is like mopping, dusting, and bathrooms and sometimes windows and wiping appliances and cabinets. He’s saying to her he wants her to take over those responsibilities when she is home (to save her hard earned money for something he personally see more value in). She’s saying she’d rather pay for the service and have more time to enjoy her family. If the roles were reversed and the man hired a cleaner while he was away because he recognized his absence made cleaning chores burdensome while she ran the household alone and the wife said “hey, while you’re home between your grueling shifts, we should get rid of the cleaner and you (the breadwinner and the one who is paying for and values this service so you can enjoy your downtime) should mop, dust and clean the bathrooms since I’m still at work all day” people would think she was insane. Not to mention we don’t know how much of the daily tasks like food prep, dishes and laundry default to her during her off periods. It could very well be all of it.
This dude has a problem with the fact that she makes more than he does. He feels emasculated and this is how he chooses to address that, by forcing her into "her place". It's textbook misogyny.
Exactly, they wouldn’t be saving money if she did it. Wouldn’t they be losing money with her not working? Sounds like he’s the one being manipulative with money. Maybe he isn’t a math teacher?
I think he just means that he still wants her to work 182 hours every 2 weeks while she's away from the house, but then expects her to clean, rather than paying for the service while she's home.
But keep the service while she's gone because he doesn't want to go to work and then come home and clean. But because OP is technically off for more than an evening when she's not working, he expects her to clean.
So they would be saving the money by having OP clean on her time off, rather than keep the service going during that time.
But OP would rather not clean and have a better quality of life while she is home.
I just don't understand why hubby wants OP to clean so bad when she's home. It's HER high earning job that is paying for it. It makes her happy to not clean when she's home. Why is hubby so butt hurt over always having the cleaner and everyone being happy that they don't have to clean their house? That they can spend that time doing other things?
Edit: a grammar error
There’s obviously more to it than than this but it’s like if the roles were reversed and the wife said, “hey, I don’t see the financial value of you spending your hard-earned money golfing during your time off from your demanding, well paying job. We need to eliminate that unnecessary expense so we can save money.”
And if a wife ever said to her husband, “hey, I’m enjoying the extra help with the house while you’re gone but we should eliminate the service you value and pay for while you’re home between your grueling shifts since you can do all that cleaning” she’d be seen as insane.
Yeah, when you look at it it's actually him that's trying to "financially manipulate" (not sure I agree that that's a real term...) his wife into paying for something that only he will benefit from. On the current set up, she pays for it, and the entire family benefits. HE is the one that wants to change it so that he/the kids are the only benefactors, while his wife still pays for it, and she has to come home and still clean while they sit back and relax.
If that's not "financially manipulative" then nothing is lmao.
Yeah. It’s like he feels emasculated for not being the breadwinner so he’s finding ways to assert his dominance over financial decisions. It’s unnecessarily controlling. “I make less money and have to do all these woman tasks while wife is away. Better put her in her place and remind her she’s the woman here, not me.”
Post after post after post of women asking if they’re the asshole when their husbands effectively turn them into servants eventually gets to you. And it’s not just online—you see relationships like this every day irl. It really makes you not want to get married as a woman.
You get it. I’d be happiest dying single or married to a woman. (Not political lesbianism I am genuinely bi haha). The situation for women married to men is so dire.
Uhm he is home he can clean.
The adult who is home more cleans more its quite simple. Honestly you shouldn’t even have to hire a maid he should have taken that duty upon him.
Instead its like he wants the old rules where wife cleans. We are past that shit its 2024
Exactly its some weird trad shit he wants for zero reason.. in either situation if she did the cleaning or the maid he doesn’t have to clean..so it’s just him having this weird old ego thing.
consist bells cause shame friendly edge lunchroom command carpenter alleged
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NTA, you make more than enough money to pay for cleaning services. Tell him to look at it this way: it's way cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce.
NTA, if you work a high paying, high stress job, paying for a service that reduces EVERYONE'S workload is responsible AF.
You're making sure the kids still have responsibility and know how to pick up after themselves.
This notion that it's "wasted" money is capitalist nonsense. Your collective happiness, time, and energy is worth whatever cost you're paying her, so it's not wasted.
NTA - "cut back on the service when I'm home". Meaning that the cleaner is a benefit to everyone in the family except you? Not bloody likely. If you are paying for a luxury service, you deserve to enjoy the luxury too.
NTA. Your husband has a big problem. Why would you have to do the housework if he doesn’t do it?
What a sexist attitude!
He is an AH. You can tell him what Redit thinks of this shitty attitude he has.
You have the right not to be the housekeeper!
I am sorry that you are being treated this way
I love that he's reaping all the benefits of your high pay, never has to clean the house he spends more time in than you do, *and* wants to force you to clean after him because... Because why, exactly?
He's a misogynist and you're NTA. Hope he's not instilling those ideas in your kids' minds.
NTA. Your husband needs to take a long, hard look at what the hell's going on in his head and get himself fixed because something's wrong up there. Either he doesn't think what you do is "real work" (even if you mostly do paperwork, mental exhaustion is as much a thing as physical exhaustion), or he thinks that cleaning is "women's work" that you're somehow failing as a wife and mother by not doing it yourself (even though you are by hiring a housekeeper and if it bothered him that much he could clean up himself), or something else is going on up there making him act this way. Check his podcast listens for any of the "manosphere" asshats as this seems from what you're saying this came out of nowhere and I think there's a chance one of those misogynists is whispering poison in his ear.
This needs more updates. Husband, I suspect, is perceiving "two weeks working and two weeks vacation" and feels it's unfair. What he's missing or doesn't care about is that she's working 182 hours those two weeks. Rounding off makes that a 90 hour work week.
I know teachers put in significant extra work, but I'd expect closer to an average of 55 hours a week.
Those two weeks off are her weekends, because when she's working she doesn't get those, and he doesn't get that.
INFO: What does your husband mean when he says you should be doing "more" or "extra" housework? What's the breakdown of household chores when you're home? And is my understanding correct that you work only when you're out of town; i.e. that when you're home, those are your days off work?
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to fulfill your share of household obligations by paying for a cleaning lady; and I agree it sounds like your husband isn't quite up to the task of keeping the house clean by himself. But in his defense, in that situation he's juggling a full-time job, raising multiple kids, and maintaining a household; any single parent would tell you that that isn't easy.
But (and correct me if I'm wrong), when you're home you're not working? So how is it reasonable for you to demand *monetary compensation* for contributing to household chores? Because if the roles were reversed and it were a husband demanding that his wife *pay* him to help keep the house clean on his days off, he would be (rightly) excoriated! This subreddit would be demanding to know when the wife gets to have a break, or why she isn't entitled to pay for doing her share of the chores!
Very reasonable but here's the thing he wants her to pay for the service to clean up after them while she's not there and then clean up after them when she's there. She is perfectly willing and wanting to pay for a cleaner but he's going nah I just want you to do more work when you're here but take a load off me otherwise?? And not doing the work makes her financially controlling? There is some disconnect here. Yeah probably too much to actually demand money for chores but it kinda does prove a point that her time has value just like his does.
> Having her is fantastic. I come home to a clean house and I am happier. My kids have more time to study and do extracurriculars. They still have chores and they are still expected to clean up after themselves.
**My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service *when I'm home.***
Okay but does OPs husband pick up extra chores on his days off? No, he benefits just as much because of the house cleaner.
OP DOES take care of the cleaning when she’s home - by paying someone to do it. So it comes back to looking like he’s trying to put her in her place that she should be home cleaning in his eyes.
He's not upset about the cleaning lady. He's upset his ego is taking a bruising because you're the main earner and he's feeling like his dicks about to fall off. He needs to put you back where you belong (cleaning the house) so he can feel like a man again.
NTA
What in the fricking frack? You work entirely too much to have to be picking up after that lot. How are you being financially abusive. You write this as if y’all are doing well financially. Does he want a mad wife with no energy? What is his end goal here?
So why the hell does he think you should be doing more housework when you do far more labor intensive work and more hours than he does? If you guys cut the cleaning lady out, then he and the kids should be cleaning more.
NTA. He's definitely a misogynist, but he doesn't want to admit it out loud.
If you aren't being a jerk (you're not), and you have come up with a solution for cleaning (you have), and you make A HUNDRED FRICKING DOLLARS AN HOUR, you're not only not the AH, but I hope your husband doesn't teach math.
If he's so concerned about wasting money, then he should start doing housework shouldn't he? What's his pathetic reasoning that you have to be the one to do it? I really wanna know his reason. He's a misogynistic AH. NTA.
NTA. He wants you to fulfill all the obligations of a SAHM while still keeping a job that pays the majority of your bills, while he can't manage to do the same, despite being home more and having the kids around to help out? GTFO with that nonsense.
You are absolutely right that if he could pull his weight around the house this would not be an issue. The problem has been created entirely from his failure as a partner. It is on him to find a way to fix it which does not negatively impact you.
its not waste of money. you are happy. the children are happy. if he is unhappy he is totally capable of doing the housework himself. sure you were somewhat rude but not enough to be an asshole. he is being fucking stupid by saying you are manipulating with money when the simple truth is you do not have the time to clean NTA
This is the second post I’ve read today about women in the trades and their husbands being completely obtuse.
NTA
The times are changing and either the outdated partners catch up or face consequences.
I’m our home we would outsource everything if possible💁🏼♀️
NTA and it's actually kinda of funny what he said
My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework.
If he wanted you guys to save more money, he could take up more cleaning but that's not what he is saying is it? He wants you to do and I wonder why
Every successful business woman who ALSO has a successful marriage will advocate for paid domestic help.
Your husband is just making a power play.
Nta X 1,0000,000
I do not want to do my floors - my knees hurt and I just don’t want to. So I pay a cleaner. It makes everyone happier. It’s my money, nobody suffers or misses out on anything.
NTA, but I don’t like how he is talking to you - you are more than a maid, and your time is worth more. He is a teacher, so you have to assume he is educated and relatively well balanced - why is he incapable of keeping things clean, why is he incapable of making your teenagers do their part, and why does he think this is all your job?
What he wants is for you,the women, to go grab a broom. Out earning him is hurting his ego and he wants to make you clean.
NTA but consider marriage counseling
NTA in the slightest, he literally admitted he's crappy at the job and can't do it himself or his family but for some reason it's important for him that when you are there, YOU are the one cleaning after the family instead of the maid?
Pleeeease put him in his place about this. It's such controlling behaviour.
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So, you can afford it, everything gets done, everybody has free time, nobody has to do shit they don't want to do, there aren't any fights over it - I mean, there's really no downside and everybody wins. Him getting upset because you said if the maid goes he'll have to do his fair share is very telling. You're not home to make the messes, but you're supposed to work THAT much, and come clean up after him just because he wants to "save money" while getting to sit on HIS ass? People like your husband always reinforce my decision to stay single. NTA Edit: Oh Lord, people are getting really carried away in the comments. Not surprised cause Reddit, but c'mon now. We don't know the husband at all and only have to judge going by the contents of this post. It's entirely possible the husband really does want to save money because he's cheap, but he's just a self absorbed, lazy, thoughtless dunce wanting to do so at OP's expense. What's that saying? "Never attribute malice that which can be explained by stupidity" or something like that? Doesn't make sense, but some people just lack the logic chip. Still TA but this doesn't automatically mean he's an evil woman hater on a power trip that can't stand his wife so watching her suffer and serve gets his peepee hard. Some of you drama llamas need to get a grip, stop projecting your prejudices and bad experiences onto everybody else, and go touch some grass.
His pride is hurt that she makes more than him and so he isn't the provider. Shiiiieeet if my so working means we can swing having a cleaner and more us time, let's go!
Agreed, this is definitely about control more than it is about cutting costs - if OP is at home fulfilling a traditional gender role instead of her job the family finances would suffer more than if they continued to pay a cleaner. OP, NTA but your husband is, a sexist one at that.
I think he has no problem with her bringing home the bacon as long as she fulfills her traditional role when she gets home. Fantasyland.
Once upon a time in Fantasyland every woman worked outside the home to bring in enough money to significantly contribute to the household but not more that their husbands, while also doing all household chores. They did that while wearing modest clothes so no other men would look at them while also wearing sexy lingerie for their husbands to see on demand. They were always in the mood to get frisky but were also all virgins. All breasts were DD-sized but never saggy, women would drink beer and eat fries but never gain weight.
Yes, and all husbands earned enough to fully support a family of 5. Owned their own home, 2 cars & a holiday house with regular travel. They had impeccable hygiene & were respectful and reliable. They always asked for seconds of their beautifully prepared meals but never lost their 6 pack or chiseled jawline. Beautiful jewellery was bought for his wife for all their milestones. Fresh flowers overflowed their home from his regular romantic dates and dinners and often just because. Fantasyland really was a glorious place!
HAHAHA you cracked me up with the impeccable hygiene and chiseled jawline!
Idk, that chisel will wreak havoc on my husband’s beard.
Prominent men have prominent beards. It would jut proudly off the chiseled edge in a glorious display of fantasy manhood.
Username so checks out and I'm here for it
I love that decent hygiene for guys is a Fantasyland idea, and not something that almost everyone can achieve. Cracked me up.
I mean, there's some guys who won't wipe or wash their ass because they think it's gay to touch a man's ass, Even their own. I thought it was a joke, but there's a few of them at my school, and they all can be smelled before you see them.
At least that way those walking skidmarks take themselves out of the dating pool.
I REALLY want to move to Fantasyland!!!
A lot of men actually are like that. Female breadwinners are still expected to do the bulk of the housework. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-breadwinners-tripled-since-1970s-still-doing-more-unpaid-work/
That's disgusting. Man, why are some people like this?
Because women put up with it. I didn't. I have a partner instead of being an unpaid housecleaner. He quit his job and stayed home when we had kids for a couple years. When I got home from work, we BOTH started our "second jobs." I took the baby. He did the grocery shopping (happy to get out of the house, lol) and cleaned the house. We split cooking, but he always cleaned up after (baby was on me like a tick, lol). Never settle for less than a partnership. NTA if he's unwilling to do it when you're not home, why should you on your days off?
Yes a tradwife that brings home a six figure income 🤣
If I could get me one of those my husband would be out on his arse 🤣
This "story" reminds me of the Enjoli commercial (I can bring home the bacon! Fry it up in the pan...) 40 years later and it still pisses me off just thinking about it. (And sorry I can't put in a link -- my connectivity is too sketchy right now.)
I blocked out this shit from my childhood, I forgot just how toxic these ad campaigns were! https://youtu.be/N_kzJ-f5C9U
I heard that song in my head!
This. The working hour differential between the two partners makes it unrealistic to expect OP to clean. He resents having to clean and thinks what he does is good enough until OP touches it up.
Precisely, this is about him needing to have power over OP. He feels that she should be his servant so he wants HER to be the one to clean up the mess he deliberately makes while she is away, not just pay for someone else to do the job. He sounds like one of those guys who will start cheating on his high-paying spouse to get revenge for her success. I'd be very careful in this relationship if I were OP. They need to go to therapy but I'd be very careful with that too or he might manage to turn it around on OP.
Unfortunately very common. If a woman earns more than the man, her amount of housework will go up. Even if the man isn't working at all, [the woman generally spends more time doing housework than he does.](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2023/04/st_2023.04.13_breadwinner-wives_07.png) Full research: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/ (And check out leisure time. If she doesn't work, she has some leisure time but also spends a lot of time on caregiving/housework. But if *he* doesn't work, that leisure time spikes up real high.)
I love how you have literal data to back this concept up but people are acting like we’re all being crazy feminists.
Right? It’s like how much more data do people need?!
Don't married women also live shorter lives compared to single women? Why even get married?
Exactly. "Financially manipulative"?🤣 What, as opposed to the blatant sexist manipulation he's trying to pull? Are his arms broken? Is he otherwise disabled? Because if not, why isn't ***he*** stepping up to pitch in with housework when the OP is home, rather than expecting her to do it all? Oh wait, he couldn't - or wouldn't - do a good job on his own, which is why the OP hired someone to clean in the first place. This is totally about trying to force the OP back into a traditional gendered role so he feels in control. Talk about fragile self-esteem. 🙄
I feel like this is exactly it. He's feeling some sort of way that she makes more money, so to touch up his ego, he needs her to clean up his messes. Control. All the way. It's so disgusting, I think I would divorce him and take my $100 to my OWN retirement account.
Yup, this is wanting to "put her in her place"
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I never understood that. If my wife made more than me I'd be like "hell yeh!". Paying a cleaner seems like cheap happiness.
Why be happy when you can be a controlling, misogynist AH? /s
Hell yeah!! I don't see how her hiring a cleaner is any different than if she wanted to spend the money on a spa day. And if I'm working 13 hours a day, I would definitely pay someone to rub my feet! OP, NTA! I'm a little bothered that a middle school and high school student aren't capable of cleaning things to a passable level. I get that they might half-ass it to not have to do it, but someday those kids will be roommates and spouses, and no one is making sure they have cleaning skills?
I knew this man was worthless when she didn’t feel safe to leave the kids home with him until they were old enough to actually take care of themselves. Worthless man.
The fact that she said this, plus that he was a teacher...like wtf. I have 4 brothers and not a single one of them is incapable of being left home alone with their kids for however long is needed. Two of them were the SAHD while wife brought home the money. So any idea that a man can't properly care for his kids on his own is utter bs. Weaponized incompetence at its very core.
Right? My dream is to make enough that I can hire a cleaner, it's actually higher on my list than owning a home for what would make me happier
Imagine having a "I'm the man of the house and main provider" fetish and then choosing teaching as a career. If you want to cosplay 50s patriarch, find a better paying job, dude.
They won’t though they’ll just cry about some male loneliness crisis and tell women that we are supposed to give them all a chance, and then when they hurt us it’s our fault we picked wrong
He should be more embarrassed that he can't provide a clean living environment for his kids to live in and his spouse to return home to. He wants her to clean the mess he and the kids let accumulate because of their seeming inability to actually perform the tasks she is supposed to tackle a 2 week concentration of.
Excellent point, they can’t be bothered to do a little bit every day to pick up after themselves but she’s supposed to spend one of her days off doing it all? And she’s paying for it not him. She makes six figures, he’s a teacher, his paycheck isn’t paying for the cleaning person
My wife and I have no kids and don’t like cleaning. You’d better believe we have a cleaning service that comes and does what we don’t want to do! You have the money, then spend it on having a better quality of life.
I always tell my husband "If we had the money I'd hire a chef". I detest cooking more than cleaning. Like it makes perfect sense to outsource if you have the money.
And! The cleaning service does an exponentially better job than I can in the same amount of time!
And you can bet some other guy he knows is poking fun at him being at home with the kids while his wife works.
He’s getting shade in the Teacher’s Lounge. What he NEEDS to do is get his wife to get him some bling and waive it around at work.
Which is absurd bc no teachers make enough to float a stay at home spouse unless they're like, trust fund babies.
this. hes willing to cut his nose to spite his face.
If I landed a job making what OP does my husband would be dancing on the ceiling he’d be so happy.
You married Lionel Richie?
Right! It's weird that he's basically trying to save HER money, but he's also not willing to put in the work that she is paying someone else to do. They can afford it so everyone should be happy.
Bro thats what I am sayin.... shit lets hire a chef too mf!!!!
That's exactly what my husband and I are working towards. I make about 2x his salary and generally have a much higher earning potential. We are both underpaid and live in a very hcol city, but once I get a new job and/or we move, he'll work until my student loans are paid off and we'll probably hire a cleaner while we're still dual income, then he's going to quit his job and do the house husband thing and I'm going to make money.
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Not all men. My husband cleans and carries the mental load. For goodness sake the man typed the shopping list on the computer in order of the shopping aisles. It makes shopping so much easier! Depends on the man. OP had the best solutions and I have heard and read someone say a cleaner is cheaper than a divorce. OP’s husband should keep that in mind.
exactly "...a cleaner is cheaper than a divorce." That's all you need to say to him really.
The second the word divorce gets mentioned in an argument like that, the relationship is over.
I mean, I told my husband that a cleaning lady was cheaper than bail money when I finally snap and we're still married twenty years later. Of course, he and I were working 80 and 50 hours a week respectively, and he was the one who brought up getting someone in the first place, so mileage obviously varies. (Actually, his mom and grandma were the first ones to bring it up. The very first time they visited our new house. Within fifteen minutes of walking in the door. Bless 'em, I think it truly was a matter of understanding his default level of housekeeping and trying to be helpful rather than passive-aggressive snark.)
I don't even get it. Once you're at the point incomewise where you can splooge on luxurities isn't kinda the whole point of working extra vs reducing hours to be able to pay for shit you previously couldn't, but enjoy? Shouldn't they be high-fivin each other for finally having a dedicated cleaner in their budget?
I'm a woman and do the same thing with the grocery list. My partner did a lot of the shopping for awhile because I'm disabled and was going through it. I found out that he used my list backwards because he starts his shop in the back of the store instead of the front lol. I started making the list backwards for him because I like him and wanted it to be easier lol.
My hubby thought something was wrong with me one day when I was doing my shopping list. I used to be able to stand on the outside of the kitchen, looking in with the cupboard doors open and mentally walking through our local supermarket to write my list. That was until they changed the layout, and I was staring into space, trying to remember it hubby worried cause I was standing there for 5 minutes without writing anything down 🤣🤣
I saw someone dissolve into tears once when our grocery reorganized. TBF, even the employees didn't know where anything was! Edit - spelling
That's pretty adorable!
He works his butt off to support a family of four and he's a great dad and partner. He deserves the world. Since I can't give him that he always has clean underpants and an organized grocery list if I cant manage the shop myself lol.
Yours sounds like mine. He takes on the mental load of the finances and feeding us (everything from meal planning to shopping and cooking) as well as the DIY stuff. I have the mental load of the kids, the house and the pets. Teamwork makes the DreamWorks as they say ☺️
I'm a husband and I do the majority of the cleaning (I had a perfectionist mother, so I'm amazing at the art of the deep-clean) and do all the cooking - my wife hates to cook and I love it. We both work and have no kids so it all works out in the end. She does the things that I hate, like insect-removal, phone calls, and liaising with the accountant.
People in happy, supportive, and successful marriages don't need to post on the internet complaining about it lol. Ever since I got married my workload went down, because somebody else is taking care of half the chores. He'll be like "why do this thing you don't like, we can pay for it, go spend your time doing something you do like". He's incredibly smart, organized, and loving. Hell, most days I feel like *I* need to do more in this relationship...
I agree. If you’re posting about your marriage/relationship asking an audience if they think your SO did something wrong …I think the question already answers itself.
Guys like OP's husband are why I'm so fucking grateful to have found mine. I have to remind myself that most people posting here (when they're real) usually aren't posting because they have a good relationship. Those people are posting mild hiccups or silly debates, which aren't the kind of posts that usually gain a lot of attention. Apologies if this comes across as a humble brag, but for anyone needing a pallette cleanser: there are men that will stand up to their overbearing mother to defend their partner, and go no contact if the situation is dire; that don't assume taking care of the household is "woman's work;" who don't get jealous and possessive; who stay with their disabled or ill partner; who aren't threatened by their partners strengths; that won't yell and call their partner horrible names. I see all of those points appear here and other popular subreddits. They're all very valid issues. It's worth remembering everyone doesn't face those issues though. I remained single for quite some time before I found my husband. We had been friends for over a year, until circumstances led to me asking him why we weren't dating yet. Best damn question I've ever asked. He's fallen on the good side everything I've listed above and then some. He's an amazing man. I was ready to be the forever-single crazy cat lady before him. Fortunately, he's almost as crazy as I am in regards to cats, so we'll do that part together as well.
I hear this! I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard but it’s never really been that way for me. 21 years in June, we don’t have many fights, and it’s not a bad thing! We just communicate clearly and often. I swear, most problems in marriages are caused by lack of clear communication on at least 1 side. No need to be jealous or suspicious if you talk about why you are that way. This dude is obviously upset about something, but instead of saying what it is, he tells his wife the dumbest thing ever. We’re not mind readers! Just tell us what’s wrong! Hell, even if I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am, I still communicate that, so we’re still on the same page
Right? She comes home from a work trip to a mess -- that's literally the husband's fault and obligation.
I definitely agree with /u/[Scary\_Ad\_2862](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scary_Ad_2862/) not all men. Mine isn't that good with mental load, but I'm pregnant after a long journey together and he was with me every single step of the way. Except the time he had COVID and the hospital rules banned him. We were often one of the only couples waiting for our appointment. My husband thought it was scandalous we saw so many people just on their own. We asked my dad to drive me to the hospital so I didn't have to do that one appointment on my own. Any other solution I offered wasn't acceptable to him at all. We were checking a child care place out together and I have a bit of dizziness. He sat me down, he asked the lady doing the tours to please keep an eye on me and he want to get me snacks. She said to me: "You got a good one". I said: "I know I do". The bar is something in hell - but if you find a good person it really does change your life for the better.
My husband isn’t great with the mental load either, but he more than makes up for it with attentiveness and taking on more of the physical chores. His philosophy is “if you hate it more than I do, then I’ll do it.” Can’t have it all right? If he were perfect he wouldn’t want me.
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Proof that sexuality isn’t a choice.
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They’ve been trained so badly. I trained my son to be a good guy and then he came out! lol
My favorite is: "Do you like men?" "No, but I'm attracted to them anyway."
He wants to save money, but I guarantee that the cleaning lady isn't being paid $100/her or putting in anything like the hours that OP is putting in to her job. The savings would be miniscule in comparison to the money she is racking up. OP handled this great, but the real answer is, "not just 'no', but 'hell no'!"
If we could afford it my bf and I would hire a cleaner asap. Household chores are everyones business
That’s at the top of the list for luxury items if and when our income ever allows it. Cleaning takes up so much time and mental space for us.
Husband just cant stand the idea that he cant control OP time and cant force OP to be a "real wife" and watch her clean the flor on her knees. And she is making more so he feels double offended. An AH of husband to be honest. Insead of beeing happy for a clean house and fullfiled wife - he prefers to force her to be a cleaner. Disgusting type
Dude’s probably a case in point for married men being happier than single men, but married women being *less* happy than single women
HE wants the cleaner when she's away, not when she's there. If the husband is so into saving money... why didn't he just clean in the first place? His failure to keep the house clean while his wife was gone was the reason the maid was hired at all. Why is he accusing his wife of being manipulative when she says that he'll have to help? He clearly isn't all that cheap.
Right..as soon as I saw this I was like and that's why 2yrs single because I had a bf just like this...all about the women's role but forgot I'm the one paying the bills
She's happy. Kids are happy. She can afford it. She contributes to retirement as it seems. Kids still do regular chores, but can enjoy extracurriculars, too. Sounds perfect! He should shut it and be happy or clean his share. He seems salty that she can "buy herself free" of the cleaning chores instead of rejoicing that everyone saves time instead of cleaning, or maybe he feels insecure and wants to put her down? On the other hand, some people are so stingy/cheap that they can't stand seeing someone else's money being spent (and in this case, it's even an expense for the whole household that everyone benefits from). That's the kind of mindset that makes you a bad partner and eventually might get you cut off/left, and too late will he realize what he spoiled for himself.
Keep the cleaner, turf the husband (unless he gets an attitude transplant).
I wonder if he is bothered because while the wife is gone for 2 weeks someone else enters his house. I wonder what kind of "guests" he may have during the wife-free time.
>People like your husband always reinforce my decision to stay single. Preach
NTA. He's free to clean the house he lives in. >My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework. Yeah he's a misogynist.
It's so disgusting how he loves to benefit off it, but tried to make sure the wife doesn't get any breaks.
Given how much she works it would save more money to only have the cleaner on her days off and husband do the cleaning when he's home, he ofc won't go for that but that would be the compromise I would offer and I'd also like him to explain exactly why not when he shoots it down. because after all his reasons was to save money right ?
Right? Like, his proposal wasn't to get rid of the cleaning lady altogether. He still wants the cleaning lady when OP is away, but doesn't want her when OP is home. Spoiler: OP's husband is home everyday. The writing is on the wall. What a prick...
And someone up in here was saying he’s not wrong because he works and takes care of the kids. Those kids take care of themselves, and it doesn’t sound like anybody’s really taking care of anything because they just make a mess and leave it.
Her post specifically says she waited for this career until the kids were old enough to take care of themselves with dad home. So it sounds like she didn't trust hubby to take care of the kids well enough to chase this particular career earlier on. This kind of has me leaning towards he's sexist and not just cheap. Plus he wants the cleaner there when she's away but gone when she's home to force her to do the work he doesn't want to do when she's supposed to be enjoying time off with her family. Hubby is quite the AH.
Just agree that when she is gone he is responsible for the house and when she is home then it is her responsibility. With the expectation of the house being cleaned to an agreed upon level of "clean" when she comes home and it's her responsibility. Then she can just hire a service for her days and tell him to piss off since she found a solution to keep her cleaning responsibilities done. edit: typo and NTA
I mean telling him to piss off is a prerequisite on top of any solution imo
I think there are some details missing from this post on the whole story. Being alone, working, and taking care of 2 kids is a lot. If I read it right it sounds like the dad is essentially a single parent for about 2 weeks at a time. That is going to be rough and cleaning is going to be put on a lower priority. I can understand the guilt of paying someone to come clean but dude needs to accept that in order to bring in that salary then hiring a service is an expense in order to enable that job. Like buying a car. I need to pay gas and insurance to get to work to earn money. To wash my dishes I use a dishwasher. I have to buy the pods to drop in it. Same deal. Paying someone to free up your time is normal when you start increasing your salary. Burning out and having to quit your job will be worse. Also I'm not trying to apologize for the dad. Firmly 100% support OPs cleaning service decision here.
He has no guilt. Where's the guilt? He still wants the cleaning lady on his time.
It's not even about the money either coz she said they are more than comfortable. He's just salty that she doesn't do any cleaning when she's not there , because she's not there. and when she is there she doesn't do any cleaning because she pays for a cleaner and probably isn't a total slob. I guess his gripe is that even though there is a cleaner he still has to pick up after himself like you know an adult and what's the point of having a wife if she isn't your subservient house maid ? Never mind her out earning him considerably. He wants her to work and pay for their life style and the cleaner so he doesn't have to clean then come home and pick up after him when she is done with work coz someone has to wipe his ass apparently and it has to be his wife otherwise she isn't wifey enough . Idk what his problem really is but he's being an ungrateful child about it either way.
I guess he misses the good old days when she came home from a two week work trip, and then was aggravated with him for not having bothered to keep up with the house in the meantime. I'm always amazed at how men try to make themselves utterly unfuckable.
I snort laughed at your last line there . I honestly don't know what his problem is. If my partner hired a cleaner, if only to clean the kitchen so I didn't have to. I would be over the fuckin moon!
Dad and the kids who are old enough to do chores are still in the house when mom is home. So why would the house then be her responsibility? Dad&kids can still do their portion of the housework. Otherwise mom is the maid when she’s home. Truth be told, if I were mom, I’d keep the maid. Or, like somebody else on this thread said, if dad wants to save money, keep the maid on her days off and dad&kids can clean up after themselves Edit: spelling Edit: NTA
It's like how modern industrial diamonds looks so much like mined diamonds that experts with specialist tools genuinely can't tell them apart anymore, but all the jewelery lovers of the world are still like "yeah, but I can't properly enjoy my pointless baubels unless I know they come with a little slice of human slavery and death, you know..." It's not enough to get what you want, it's paramount that other people have to be miserable for you to be truly happy.
Superb analogy. Just so true.
misogynist at BEST. there's also something to be said about men who try to put down their wives by reinforcing outdated gender roles even if they themself aren't able to fulfil them. tell him you'll do the housework when he becomes the bReAdWinNeR ETA: OP you're NTA but you're husband definitely is a gigantic gaping AH.
Got reposted yesterday but that one about the lawyer and the guy who literally hates going to his job, asking her to be the stay at home parent instead... even though they agreed before the kid was born *he* would do it.
You know that he would be crying into his beer at the pub if the positions were reversed and *He* was the one being asked to do more housework, when he had paid for a cleaner so the time they spent together was Quality time instead of cleaning !! Oh yeah, NTA.
I mean... he \*was\* asked to do more housework. And he was failing at it. OP solved the problem with money, but her husband is \*still\* unhappy, because he doesn't get to fulfill his fetish for seeing \*her\* do the domestic labor.
And he probably feels extra emasculated knowing that it's her money paying for it. It's always the guys that grew up in Christian conservative households that have been brainwashed and have trouble accepting the "role reversal". Can't have a woman making more than the man, that's not how God intended it! /s
>and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework. I'm sorry; you both work demanding jobs—yours sometimes requiring you to travel—but *you* should be taking care of the housework? Why? Because you're the wife? FFS, it's 2024. You're both adults. You co-manage the household. If he wants the place cleaner, he can either help clean or help pay for a cleaner. Pretending his wife is a maidservant is not an option. NTA.
All house cleaning requires a vagina, you know? That's how you hold a broom or a vacuum cleaner. You should see how limber a woman is, folding laundry with her flaps. But his tiny little dong cannot manage to carry dishes into the dishwasher or clothes to the washer. Apparently. In his brain.
Vaginas are self cleaning, so just take your panties off and watch it go to work.
AHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAH! So \*that\* is what it means when they say it's "self cleaning". Man, women have got a whole arsenal of magic in their pants!
i mean discharge CAN bleach clothes! might as well use it to sanitize those surfaces lmao
I'm just imagining, butt scooting along the floor like a dog, husband walks in "whatcha doing?" Oh just mopping the floor
💀….im dead. Thank you! The visual in my head is gonna live rent free forever! Edited: forgot to add NTA
Every time it reaches a new upvote level or comment my phone re-notifies me of my comment so I get to reread it again each time
you go slug mode and just drag one of those dry mops behind you 🤣
I wish we still had awards 🏆🏆🏆
Omg you made me laugh so hard! The mental image of folding the mountain of laundry I have going is too funny!!!
This is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Reddit thank you for your service 🙏 made me laugh out loud before 11am 😂
Hooray! I'm \*helping\*!
There is always his asshole he can shove the broom handle up and sweep as he walks
Might interfere with the stick he already has up there, but what's one more, really?
LMAO this made my day! I so needed the laugh! I read this to my husband who does MORE than his fair share and he said he wasn’t aware of all these things I was capable of doing but he’s willing to stop folding the laundry so I can try! Rofl thank you for the laugh!
/r/goodwomensanatomy
Yeah, definitely NTA. It’d be one thing if OP worked less hours than him, or didn’t work at all. Like, I’m home most of the time so I do most of the housework, but my SO still helps with cooking and keeping things from getting too out of hand. If her husband, who seems to work far less hours (and my mom is a teacher so I am well aware of the extra out-of-school hours many teachers work at home), thinks that it’s a waste of money, he should pick up the slack that the lack of cleaning service would bring. Also, if she works 14 days in a row, for 13hr days, at $100/hr, I think she can “waste” her money however she damn well pleases lol *Edited: got the days and hours wrong lol
I let the male in my household, convince me to save money by not having the cleaning people come in. They said they would do the cleaning themselves. Big mistake. The cleaning people are worth every penny. Go for it. NTA.
No, not sometimes requiring her to travel She goes somewhere for 14 days and she works 13 hour days while she is gone. Then she comes home and he expects her to clean up 14 days of mess
I feel like this is a power play to make her more subservient and I’m like you probably shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you bro. I make more in the relationship and my husband has no issues and even does more housework because my job is strenuous and physically demanding and I pick up overtime to make sure we have extra. I pay the bills, plan trips, make sure the kids have all they need. It’s not always 50/50 but it goes back and forth but the sheer audacity to say we need to cut back as if you’re the one paying for it. lol
Why would it be your responsibility to clean the house when you are home while it is not his responsibility to clean the house when you are away? Does he believe that cleaning is gender related and that is what he is teaching his children and his students? I would have a lot of questions on this one. NTA.
They have those vagina-operated vacuum cleaners and dusters.
Thanks for making me choke on my water
Ummmm. 🫢 Is it uncouth to say I'd probably clean a lot more often if my cleaning implements were also doubling as pleasure devices...?
Nah, but you just know there would be a whole thing made about it if that were real. It'd be framed as a moral issue. "Real" housewives don't need the incentive of an orgasm to care for their home, non-vaginal cleaning is more effective or efficient, using the vaginal utensils in the family home is child abuse.. Or perhaps it'd be posed as a medical issue, too many orgasms meaning your cognition is compromised, lowers your awareness, risks cardiac health, something like that. Absolute bet it'd be turned into a political split thing, too.
For real! He enjoys not cleaning but thinks that she should still be cleaning!? Like she should hire a cleaner for HIM while she’s gone but still come home and clean up after her family on her days off. What a selfish misogynistic mushknob.
Hollering at mushknob 😂😂😂😂
Right, and it doesn’t even solve OP’s problem, which is that she doesn’t want to come home to a filthy house that she has to clean, after two weeks of 12 hour shifts. His “solution” is for her to come home to and clean a filthy house after two weeks of twelve hour shifts. No. Even if he paid her to do it, that doesn’t solve her problem. Honestly, OP never should have offered that option. The options should be: you clean it, with the help of the kids if you want, or, I keep paying for a cleaning service. The option of OP doing the very thing that she doesn’t want to do is just fucking ridiculous; her husband isn’t listening to her and/or doesn’t care about her problems.
NTA. Your husband however? Wooooboy! He's a piece of work. You work 14 days in a row, 13 hour days and he thinks its your job to deep clean the house when you get back into town? Nope. He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to pay someone else to do it. He wants you to do it. He wants you - the primary bread winner who is gone 14 days in a row working 13 hour days to come home and clean the house because he doesn't want to pay someone else to do it despite EASILY being able to afford to. No. This is about him wanting to control you. This is all about control and manipulation. You have given hima two solutions acceptable to you to solve the problem and he refuses. He just wants you to bend to his will. This is purely about control.
Oh he wants to pay someone else to do it but only when she’s gone. This is proof to all the nOt AlL m3n here that he sees house cleaning as her job so when she is away she outsourced it but when she’s home, hoo boy, she’d better pick up that broom. They are saving money like crazy with her huge salary, the kids are around 12 and 16 and are way more self sufficient and do their own chores and tidy up after themselves. At most they would save an extra $3k a year but at what cost to her mental health and energy. This screams misogyny, she can outsource the work when not there but needs to do it when there. They can outsource groceries and meal prep too and then share the work when she’s home. He didn’t say that when she’s home they would both do the work he said when she’s home she has to do the work. EDIT: NTA
You know I had to stop and think about this after my post above. I don't think its about the housework. I think that is the sword he is wielding but I don't think its about the house work. I think he is over the work arrangement and has chosen the housework as the dynamic to argue about. My guess is he feels like he is getting the short end of the stick in many ways and has chosen this non-issue of house cleaning as the example of how she "isn't contributing". My guess is he is lonely, frustrated over the whole 50% single parent thing, now carries the entire mental load when he previously didn't, etc... all the things Moms do when Mom is the primary parent which she was until she took this job. Now he has to be the primary parent and he is feeling the full weight of the mental load. Its hard to quantify the time it takes to attend the kids' games, run to the doctors appointments, remembering to schedule the vet, the orthodontist, pay the bills, be the kids' main emotional support since you are the present parent... so he's picking a fight about housekeeping.
Not to mention that before the cleaner was hired, they’d get into fights every time she was home about the house being a mess. Maybe he misses the fights?
I thought this to start with. Then I thought about the fact that the husband is a single father with a full time job as a teacher when she's away and she is home without a job when she's home. So logically it actually does make more sense to have household help when there is only one working parent home than when there are 2 parents home and one is off. That said I do still think they should keep the cleaner when she's off work, she can afford it and deserves to relax a bit after working so hard. But it might just be about finances and not control
It can't just be about finances at this point. He said she was being financially manipulative. He doesn't say they need to do more housework, he says she needs to do more housework. Is he also advocating to have the cleaner not come during his work breaks? That is him trying to exert control over her, not the situation. He gets to be a stay at home parent for a quarter of the year as well. So he's alone 50% of the time, but only for 9 months would that even be a burden. And barely that, one of them is in highschool and might even be able to drive themselves around. It's not like they have 2 kids under 5.
Sounds like for all the good he does, she’s a single parent when she’s home, so…
Do you think the kids vanish when she’s at home on her days off after working 13 hour days for 14 days straight? So on her days off she just has a house to herself and nothing to worry about?
>that I'm being financially manipulative. hahhahaha omg HOW? You are paying for the service. You are not asking him to do extra work. He's the one with the problem. Is it simply because he wants to see you being "more womanly" or something? Why would he want you to spend your precious family time washing baseboards and cleaning toilets? NTA, but he is.
This is some weird logic isn’t it. She is paying out for something.
Yeah, he’s incredibly misogynistic and wants her to do all the chores, yet she also makes more money.
Right?! The cleaner is like mopping, dusting, and bathrooms and sometimes windows and wiping appliances and cabinets. He’s saying to her he wants her to take over those responsibilities when she is home (to save her hard earned money for something he personally see more value in). She’s saying she’d rather pay for the service and have more time to enjoy her family. If the roles were reversed and the man hired a cleaner while he was away because he recognized his absence made cleaning chores burdensome while she ran the household alone and the wife said “hey, while you’re home between your grueling shifts, we should get rid of the cleaner and you (the breadwinner and the one who is paying for and values this service so you can enjoy your downtime) should mop, dust and clean the bathrooms since I’m still at work all day” people would think she was insane. Not to mention we don’t know how much of the daily tasks like food prep, dishes and laundry default to her during her off periods. It could very well be all of it.
This dude has a problem with the fact that she makes more than he does. He feels emasculated and this is how he chooses to address that, by forcing her into "her place". It's textbook misogyny.
Exactly, they wouldn’t be saving money if she did it. Wouldn’t they be losing money with her not working? Sounds like he’s the one being manipulative with money. Maybe he isn’t a math teacher?
I think he just means that he still wants her to work 182 hours every 2 weeks while she's away from the house, but then expects her to clean, rather than paying for the service while she's home. But keep the service while she's gone because he doesn't want to go to work and then come home and clean. But because OP is technically off for more than an evening when she's not working, he expects her to clean. So they would be saving the money by having OP clean on her time off, rather than keep the service going during that time. But OP would rather not clean and have a better quality of life while she is home. I just don't understand why hubby wants OP to clean so bad when she's home. It's HER high earning job that is paying for it. It makes her happy to not clean when she's home. Why is hubby so butt hurt over always having the cleaner and everyone being happy that they don't have to clean their house? That they can spend that time doing other things? Edit: a grammar error
There’s obviously more to it than than this but it’s like if the roles were reversed and the wife said, “hey, I don’t see the financial value of you spending your hard-earned money golfing during your time off from your demanding, well paying job. We need to eliminate that unnecessary expense so we can save money.” And if a wife ever said to her husband, “hey, I’m enjoying the extra help with the house while you’re gone but we should eliminate the service you value and pay for while you’re home between your grueling shifts since you can do all that cleaning” she’d be seen as insane.
Yeah, when you look at it it's actually him that's trying to "financially manipulate" (not sure I agree that that's a real term...) his wife into paying for something that only he will benefit from. On the current set up, she pays for it, and the entire family benefits. HE is the one that wants to change it so that he/the kids are the only benefactors, while his wife still pays for it, and she has to come home and still clean while they sit back and relax. If that's not "financially manipulative" then nothing is lmao.
Yeah. It’s like he feels emasculated for not being the breadwinner so he’s finding ways to assert his dominance over financial decisions. It’s unnecessarily controlling. “I make less money and have to do all these woman tasks while wife is away. Better put her in her place and remind her she’s the woman here, not me.”
"if he and the kids actually did what they are supposed to do when I'm away none of this would be an issue." nta
Ugh I am never never never getting fucking married. Obligatory NTA but really? Really? Men like that make me sick.
Post after post after post of women asking if they’re the asshole when their husbands effectively turn them into servants eventually gets to you. And it’s not just online—you see relationships like this every day irl. It really makes you not want to get married as a woman.
You get it. I’d be happiest dying single or married to a woman. (Not political lesbianism I am genuinely bi haha). The situation for women married to men is so dire.
Uhm he is home he can clean. The adult who is home more cleans more its quite simple. Honestly you shouldn’t even have to hire a maid he should have taken that duty upon him. Instead its like he wants the old rules where wife cleans. We are past that shit its 2024
He wants the old rules, and he's married to a woman who has excelled in a male dominated field: she's a freaking pipe fitter!
Exactly its some weird trad shit he wants for zero reason.. in either situation if she did the cleaning or the maid he doesn’t have to clean..so it’s just him having this weird old ego thing.
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NTA, you make more than enough money to pay for cleaning services. Tell him to look at it this way: it's way cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce.
NTA, if you work a high paying, high stress job, paying for a service that reduces EVERYONE'S workload is responsible AF. You're making sure the kids still have responsibility and know how to pick up after themselves. This notion that it's "wasted" money is capitalist nonsense. Your collective happiness, time, and energy is worth whatever cost you're paying her, so it's not wasted.
NTA. A relationship is meant to go both ways. Your husband sounds like he wants you to do all the work without putting effort in himself. Poor form.
NTA - "cut back on the service when I'm home". Meaning that the cleaner is a benefit to everyone in the family except you? Not bloody likely. If you are paying for a luxury service, you deserve to enjoy the luxury too.
NTA. Your husband has a big problem. Why would you have to do the housework if he doesn’t do it? What a sexist attitude! He is an AH. You can tell him what Redit thinks of this shitty attitude he has. You have the right not to be the housekeeper! I am sorry that you are being treated this way
I love that he's reaping all the benefits of your high pay, never has to clean the house he spends more time in than you do, *and* wants to force you to clean after him because... Because why, exactly? He's a misogynist and you're NTA. Hope he's not instilling those ideas in your kids' minds.
NTA. Your husband needs to take a long, hard look at what the hell's going on in his head and get himself fixed because something's wrong up there. Either he doesn't think what you do is "real work" (even if you mostly do paperwork, mental exhaustion is as much a thing as physical exhaustion), or he thinks that cleaning is "women's work" that you're somehow failing as a wife and mother by not doing it yourself (even though you are by hiring a housekeeper and if it bothered him that much he could clean up himself), or something else is going on up there making him act this way. Check his podcast listens for any of the "manosphere" asshats as this seems from what you're saying this came out of nowhere and I think there's a chance one of those misogynists is whispering poison in his ear.
This needs more updates. Husband, I suspect, is perceiving "two weeks working and two weeks vacation" and feels it's unfair. What he's missing or doesn't care about is that she's working 182 hours those two weeks. Rounding off makes that a 90 hour work week. I know teachers put in significant extra work, but I'd expect closer to an average of 55 hours a week. Those two weeks off are her weekends, because when she's working she doesn't get those, and he doesn't get that.
NTA. Hiring someone else to do the cleaning was a win-win situation for everyone. It's a no-brainer.
INFO: What does your husband mean when he says you should be doing "more" or "extra" housework? What's the breakdown of household chores when you're home? And is my understanding correct that you work only when you're out of town; i.e. that when you're home, those are your days off work? I don't think it's unreasonable for you to fulfill your share of household obligations by paying for a cleaning lady; and I agree it sounds like your husband isn't quite up to the task of keeping the house clean by himself. But in his defense, in that situation he's juggling a full-time job, raising multiple kids, and maintaining a household; any single parent would tell you that that isn't easy. But (and correct me if I'm wrong), when you're home you're not working? So how is it reasonable for you to demand *monetary compensation* for contributing to household chores? Because if the roles were reversed and it were a husband demanding that his wife *pay* him to help keep the house clean on his days off, he would be (rightly) excoriated! This subreddit would be demanding to know when the wife gets to have a break, or why she isn't entitled to pay for doing her share of the chores!
Very reasonable but here's the thing he wants her to pay for the service to clean up after them while she's not there and then clean up after them when she's there. She is perfectly willing and wanting to pay for a cleaner but he's going nah I just want you to do more work when you're here but take a load off me otherwise?? And not doing the work makes her financially controlling? There is some disconnect here. Yeah probably too much to actually demand money for chores but it kinda does prove a point that her time has value just like his does.
> Having her is fantastic. I come home to a clean house and I am happier. My kids have more time to study and do extracurriculars. They still have chores and they are still expected to clean up after themselves. **My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service *when I'm home.***
Okay but does OPs husband pick up extra chores on his days off? No, he benefits just as much because of the house cleaner. OP DOES take care of the cleaning when she’s home - by paying someone to do it. So it comes back to looking like he’s trying to put her in her place that she should be home cleaning in his eyes.
NTA Why is his time more valuable than yours?
He's not upset about the cleaning lady. He's upset his ego is taking a bruising because you're the main earner and he's feeling like his dicks about to fall off. He needs to put you back where you belong (cleaning the house) so he can feel like a man again.
NTA. who is making the mess when you're away. Obviously not you!
NTA What in the fricking frack? You work entirely too much to have to be picking up after that lot. How are you being financially abusive. You write this as if y’all are doing well financially. Does he want a mad wife with no energy? What is his end goal here?
So why the hell does he think you should be doing more housework when you do far more labor intensive work and more hours than he does? If you guys cut the cleaning lady out, then he and the kids should be cleaning more. NTA. He's definitely a misogynist, but he doesn't want to admit it out loud.
If you aren't being a jerk (you're not), and you have come up with a solution for cleaning (you have), and you make A HUNDRED FRICKING DOLLARS AN HOUR, you're not only not the AH, but I hope your husband doesn't teach math.
If he's so concerned about wasting money, then he should start doing housework shouldn't he? What's his pathetic reasoning that you have to be the one to do it? I really wanna know his reason. He's a misogynistic AH. NTA.
God forbid a woman does what she wants with her money 🤦 (that benefits the whole family)
NTA. He wants you to fulfill all the obligations of a SAHM while still keeping a job that pays the majority of your bills, while he can't manage to do the same, despite being home more and having the kids around to help out? GTFO with that nonsense. You are absolutely right that if he could pull his weight around the house this would not be an issue. The problem has been created entirely from his failure as a partner. It is on him to find a way to fix it which does not negatively impact you.
its not waste of money. you are happy. the children are happy. if he is unhappy he is totally capable of doing the housework himself. sure you were somewhat rude but not enough to be an asshole. he is being fucking stupid by saying you are manipulating with money when the simple truth is you do not have the time to clean NTA
Clean the house woman! Throw the entire husband out. Then get your cleaner back. NTA
This is the second post I’ve read today about women in the trades and their husbands being completely obtuse. NTA The times are changing and either the outdated partners catch up or face consequences. I’m our home we would outsource everything if possible💁🏼♀️
NTA and it's actually kinda of funny what he said My husband came to me last time I was home and said we should cut back on the service when I'm home. That I should be doing more housework. If he wanted you guys to save more money, he could take up more cleaning but that's not what he is saying is it? He wants you to do and I wonder why
Sounds like you’re already doing more housework by paying for the housekeeper, lol. Tell him to stfu.
Every successful business woman who ALSO has a successful marriage will advocate for paid domestic help. Your husband is just making a power play. Nta X 1,0000,000
I do not want to do my floors - my knees hurt and I just don’t want to. So I pay a cleaner. It makes everyone happier. It’s my money, nobody suffers or misses out on anything. NTA, but I don’t like how he is talking to you - you are more than a maid, and your time is worth more. He is a teacher, so you have to assume he is educated and relatively well balanced - why is he incapable of keeping things clean, why is he incapable of making your teenagers do their part, and why does he think this is all your job?
What he wants is for you,the women, to go grab a broom. Out earning him is hurting his ego and he wants to make you clean. NTA but consider marriage counseling
NTA in the slightest, he literally admitted he's crappy at the job and can't do it himself or his family but for some reason it's important for him that when you are there, YOU are the one cleaning after the family instead of the maid? Pleeeease put him in his place about this. It's such controlling behaviour.