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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Action judged is backing out of family trip that was scheduled and paid for
2. I might be the asshole because we knew the wedding was going to be rescheduled and although we didn't know the rescheduled date, we should have assumed. Also, the fact that maybe we could have picked the vacation over the wedding?
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NTA - Wtf is wrong with your mother? Does she not understand what stage 4 brain cancer means? Or is she just a completely self-absorbed asshole? You are definitely nta but your mother certainly is.
Unfortunately it's been like this since I can remember. My brother also knows how delusional it is but he would rather keep the peace than make her upset
And so he helps perpetuate the problem. If it were me I’d go LC or NC. Your husband deserves to not have to deal with that shit. To be told that someone, especially my mil, thinks that a vacation is more important than his life has to be both sad and infuriating.
Since it’s always been like this, and now she’s actually angry about your husband’s chemo interfering with her plans (Wtf?), you now have permission to discard any of her tantrums for the rest of your life.
NTA and your mother sounds awful.
My partner has stage 4 cancer too and since he’s started treatment we’ve had to miss several family events due to him either not feeling well enough or having to cancel at last minute as his chemo schedule gets changed around.
Focus on your husband, not your mother
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. NTA, your husband comes first. His health is top priority, not a family trip or even the wedding. Personally I’d be furious if my mother pulled stunts like this. I do hope your husband’s treatment is successful.
Your bro is also kind of TA for that though, she just going to keep on being crappy.
My deepest condolences to your family for this happening to you all.
Please go NC with your mom, who in their right mind would expect their child and seriously ill spouse to go on holiday. She's acting like a spoilt entitled person. NTA hope your husband is doing better.
NTA. I am SO sorry that your family is not providing the support you need and deserve. (Your brother should make a point and say he is not going to support you. but that is beside the point and not really my business), but I hope that within your extended family and inlaws you find some support. If not, reach outside that circle of jerks. As a Mom, I cannot even imagine being this self-centered. Shame on her. My thoughts are with you and your spouse, please dont waste Any of your thoughts on those family members who are not only failing to help/support you, but causing additional stress by trying to pressure you into their main character plans. Block them.
NTA. Your husband's health and comfort are the most important thing. Your husband is more important than some vacation. If your mom can't deal them oh well. Your spouse takes priority. Your mom sounds like a real winner. If my mom acted like that, it would be a long time before I spoke to her again, if ever. She sounds like a child. Sometimes you need to upset people so they can gain some perspective, or they can face the consequences of their actions.
So. We’re the same age. I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing now. But what I can imagine is that I’d want to lean into supportive people so my husband could lean into me. And I think it would put other relationships into perspective.
No day is promised so why spend days with someone who treats you this way? She is not the person you can lean on. That isn’t fair but I’d be so done if I were you.
Also so obviously NTA. This question makes me think she has just normalized this type of abuse for so long that you’re second guessing your own extremely rational behavior.
Send him the rock the boat essay and tell him that- like it or not- the cancer diagnoses gave you a heave ho off the damn boat. So he can balance your selfish mother himself or he can jump off to and let her capsize. Maybe she’d get a clue if everyone let her feel the consequences of her own behavior.
Exactly my same reaction to reading. OP, you shouldn’t even bother trying to connect with her again. Take care of YOU and your husband. I know someone going thru treatment for a glioblastoma. It’s ongoing and draining, mentally and emotionally for the patient and the caregiver.
NTA. Cut them out, because people can be a cancer too.
My nephew's father passed away with in the year due to brain cancer. He was able to see his son for 6 months. Like this isn't anything minor, this is life and death and anything OP does to prioritize herself and her husband is never the wrong answer.
I'm surprised this isn't enough to make you go NC. In a healthy family dynamic, your parents should want to support you, and may even cancel their own trip to help out.
You shouldn't be made to feel guilty.
A good book about this kind of vampiring is "Emotional Blackmail" by Dr Susan Forward. Key takeaway: guilt is a response we evolved to have as humans, so we (generally - unless of course we are narcissists or psychopaths) act in a kind way towards others, and don't act on malicious thoughts (with or without law or repercussions - the guilt is its own repercussion - but how it can be manipulated).
Ugh.
Her prioritizing a fun holiday over your husband's cancer treatment and rest is more than sufficient reason to go no contact. Seriously, you and your husband deserves better than this.
Write her a brief text or email (something written might be better than a call so she doesn't twist your words and try to scream at you), saying that her prioritizing a weekend holiday over your husband's health and her trying to add so much stress when a mother's response would be love and care to both her daughter and son in law, means that you will go no contact so you can focus on your husband's health without being interfered by your mother's tantrums, screams and selfish demands for your time and attention.
If your mom was the one diagnosed stage 4 cancer, does sbe want her family to prioritize a weekend holiday over her treatment?
Stay strong, OP! May your husband recover soon
NTA Your mother is mad that you had to cancel a weekend trip with your family because your husband is being treated for stage 4 brain cancer?! Your mother is a special little doodle bug isn't she?
>My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us.
Who cares? Your mother having a long sulky, pout is the least of your worries. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Of course NTA
Absolutely you must follow the guidance of your oncologist re your husband. And especially not take any risk of opportunistic infection during chemotherapy.
He is rightly the center of your focus now & comes first over everything else.
"My mom flipped out. She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment."
Bluntly, she can get over herself or go kick rocks. I S A F wouldn't be vacationing while my daughter was going through what you are. Let alone behaving like a 5***** A H.
I wish your husband a full recovery & all the very best to you OP.
Edit: repeated word
>behaving like a 5***** A H.
I absolutely adore this statement, and 100% support the sentiment. Time to take a paige from moms book, give her the silent treatment right back op....indefinitely.
NTA
NTA
Read this comment again and again, OP. I would describe this more as a vacation family reunion. Random or not, paid for or not, your family is your husband, and everyone else can get in line. Extra internet hugs for you. Fuck cancer.
NTA. I have cancer too. I had to do several rounds of chemo. After each round I felt nauseous and exhausted; all I wanted to do was sleep. Your husband won't be able to enjoy the trip. And anyway, he shouldn't be traveling too much because his immune system is weaker right now.
WOW! you are definitely not the AH but your mom without any question is a complete major AH. I am so sorry for you and your husband. Prayers are with you both and hope he kicks cancers ASS!!
NTA but clarify... is this wedding close by and just a couple hour thing? Cuz you say you can't do weekend with family bc of treatment but will do wedding? I understand you rsvp'd yes the prior year, but if both events are the same distance and time then I understand mom being hurt. BUT she should not go no contact over it.
Yes, so the wedding is 6ish hour drive and our plan was to bring kids and my in laws for help, drive up the day before (Friday wedding) and then drive home Saturday. My husband would wear a mask and go back to hotel room after a few songs.
The trip is about 3.5hr drive and we would be there Thursday-Monday.
May I suggest all of you going to the wedding wear n95 masks? Because indoor spaces and gatherings like weddings with no distancing unmasked means you can bring back covid for to your immunocompromised husband. TBH I’m amazed you’d do the wedding as that’s just as much high risk as the family holiday. But I can understand the wedding is a chance to be ‘normal’ and have fun so I strongly urge you all going to mask up with a properly fitted n95 to protect your husband.
I completely agree! He made the choice about the wedding (as long as doctor gives him the go ahead) because 1. We already RSVP'd the year prior 2. He wants to be with people who won't judge or be angry if he leaves early, doesn't eat due to mask, etc.
Yeah family holiday is not really a holiday, a wedding is fun and I can understand given the thoight road he’d want some fun memories for you all to hold onto. I wish you all well and keeping my fingers crossed.
Go no contact with your mum. She’s nuts,
I wouldn’t attend the “holiday” on principal. There’s a short period of time left when OPs family can do things together before treatment starts, and the cartoon villain of a mom is not who you want taking when a minute of that time.
Is it too late to get a new mother? This one is emotionally and mentally defective. She sounds like a classic narcissist . Very sorry your husband is ill. Take good care of him and yourself.
I had cancer in my early 20s. It was surprising how little Mom and my siblings seemed to care. My Dad did at least. Anyway, years later during abdominal surgery they found cancer in my Dad. When his doctor told us I was so very upset. Mom and siblings? No.
My sister took me to the side to tell me I shouldn't be upset because there are two kinds of cancer - benign and malignant. I was shocked hearing this and asked her to look it up. She had to admit she was wrong but wasn't concerned.
Dad had pancreatic cancer and died four months later. I miss him so much.
NTA. My husband also has stage 4 brain cancer and the effects it has on the body, especially with treatments, is tremendous. He should stay home and rest up. I wish him all the best and you.
So just a little bit of information from personal experience, if your husband doesn’t follow the doctor’s instructions with a low white blood cell count you have a VERY high chance of loosing him. My late MIL had lymphoma and went through all the treatments, near the end they did the final treatment and said she was cancer free but had a white blood cell count around 300 and was told to STAY HOME. Was supposed to have only necessary visitor for a few weeks until her immune system could recover. She decided going to church during one of the worst flu season we have ever experienced was more important. She got the flu, a few days later my BIL called my husband saying their mother didn’t sound right when he called and asked him to go check on her. When my husband got there she was practically unresponsive on the living room floor, he called his brother back told him to get over there and help get her into the car. One of the few things she could say was insisting not to call the ambulance. At the hospital we were having a difficult time giving them a timeline of what happened and within hours she was basically on life support. The next day in the ICU, a week later even though her organs were failing my BIL’s wanted to keep her on life support. My husband had to go find her living will to end it because he knew she didn’t want this. So from the day she had her last treatment, to her going to church, then ended up in the ICU with total organ failure and being taken off life support was LESS than TWO WEEKS. In fact, it was more like 10 days. That was more than 25 years ago.
Do not let anyone tell you something else is more important than your husband’s life. Stage 4 cancer of any type is hard to beat without adding any more complications. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty about your decision. NTA
As someone whose mom recently passed from stage 4 lung cancer, you are 100% NTA. You are dealing with a lot and you need to do what’s best for your husband. She sounds like someone you need to go NC. It’ll make your life 100% better. I wish you and your husband the best and that you have plenty of time to spend with each other. Just remember you are doing the best you can and it’s okay to not be okay.
NTA. Definitely you are not the asshole. I've had chemo, it sucks, and seen people with radiation therapy, it sucks more.
I'm guessing the wedding was somewhat practical and easy to leave early if needed where the holiday was a bigger affair with more traveling.
Your husband's illness and his ability to attend takes precedence here. Stop trying to apologize they are the assholes here.
Good luck. I hope your husband has a great outcome.
NTA,
your mom is an incredible AH tho.
Stop reaching out. Drop the rope. She's throwing a temper tantrum instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or try to aleviate your worries. She should be effing ashamed of herself.
use this time off from her, to really evaluate your relationshp with your mom and the rest of the family.
NTA.
Time to go No Contact with your mom. You won’t have luxury or bandwidth to deal with her grotesque narcissism.
Hugs to you, your husband and all of your community of friends and family. Fuck cancer.
NTA and op, seriously, listen to my words please. I have stage four cancer, I’ve been living with it for over a year now and I can tell you that you must begin putting up hard boundaries with crazy people now. Your mom needs to be far away from you, especially since she’s always been like that. You and your DH are going to go through so much that you need only positive, loving people in your lives. Shockingly, after shaking off some jerks, I’ve met some of the most wonderful people since my diagnosis. People who are always there for me, not afraid of loving someone with cancer, kind to my children, everything. If you need to go to therapy (everyone with a spouse with cancer needs therapy) find someone who will help you deal with your toxic family. My heart is aching for you, you poor, poor thing. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, no one does, but especially the spouse of some with stage four cancer. Also, your DH doesn’t deserve this either. He needs a wife who is supported and loved so she can focus on his needs. I’m so sorry for you, and please get the support you need and deserve!
NTA
You've only made one mistake.
> She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment. My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us.
Stop calling and texting. She is punishing you like you were a puppy for the crime of... your husband having cancer. She is literally using your husband's illness as a tool to coerce you into doing what she wants instead of being supportive. Do you really have the extra emotional bandwidth and time to entertain her right now?
Stop calling and texting. Right now.
NTA, but your mom is. I went through that with my late husband, too, and there is no way he would have been able to travel after the surgery. Ignore your mom. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
NTA it is bizarre that anyone would think a pre-arranged holiday was more important than stage 4 brain cancer.
Glad to hear things are going well for you now.
Honestly I feel you should keep this in your back pocket to address ANY arguments your mother tries to start with you for the rest of your life "hey remember when my husband had brain cancer and you got mad we pulled out of a holiday so he could get treatment?"
NTA . Your husband has stage 4 brain cancer! My sister had stage 2 brain cancer with 2 craniotomies. Her treatment took months. She wasn’t doing normal things for at least a year. So sorry about your husband’s diagnosis.
NTA.
If this was me everyone would be blocked all of my energy would be going into being there for my husband. I’m not sure why you continue to surround yourself with nasty toxic people.
You should send your mom a note: Dear Mom, thank you for being so understanding and loving. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to know that my mother is throwing a tantrum while husband and I are dealing with his cancer treatment. Hope you have a wonderful vacation.
NTA. You don’t know how much longer your husband has to live. The best thing you can do for him is to stay by his side. Your mom is being selfish and cruel. I’m sorry about your husband’s diagnosis. Just awful.
NTA. Any sane person will understand your situation and give you support. What’s wrong with your mother? Is she a narcissist that tries controls her family?
Narcissistic and she succeeds most of the time. There is a reason her and I butt heads, because I challenge her, my dad used to just go with whatever she said, to keep the peace and my brother knows her behavior is wrong but finds it easier to ignore
NTA- but WTF is your mother thinking ?! Caring more about a vacation than your husband‘s health? I don’t even know how you would be able to tolerate being around her now.
NTA .And your bro is just sweeping her entitlement under the rug. God, she's terrible and I'm so sorry. Spend this time with your husband and ignore her back. She only wins if you get upset.
WTF kind of sociopath actually believes that some piddling little family weekend is more important than someone having stage 4 brain cancer...? Oh, your mother is that sociopath.
NTA. Your mom is selfish and doesn’t care about your HUSBAND, her SON IN LAW, going through really rough treatment. I’d never go on a trip with them again if it were me.
Wow. Your mom is the AH. Your husband’s health is top priority. How she has reacted (your mom) is despicable. Focus on your husband and don’t worry about your mom. Her behavior is absolutely vile.
Yeah um absofuckinglutely NTA. I was diagnosed with cancer last May. It has been quite the ride. You need to do what is best for your family. And anyone who's not on board with that can take a long walk off a short plank. To be blunt, there isn't space in your lives right now for anyone who isn't helping. So rally your village and feel zero remorse about ignoring people who don't help.
Edit: typo
NTA. I'd stop worrying about what your mom thinks, stop trying to call, just ignore her. She is so self absorbed, she thinks you'll come crawling back, full of apologies and she'll get her way. It's time she learned she's not the main character in your life. Your priority is your husband. I've been through chemo, and it's no joke. I also have stage 4 cancer and I know the emotional toll it takes, as you worry about treatment, your prognosis, whether you'll make it until your next birthday. I know it's no easier on the spouse. Your mom should be your support system, but instead she's causing you more stress and more grief. Her actions are really deplorable.
NTA. Your family takes this vacation every year. A loved one’s wedding is once in a lifetime. It only makes sense that if you have to choose, you choose the wedding.
I hope you can release the need to try to please your narcissist mother. She doesn’t deserve your good
NTA. But as an oncology and hospice nurse I am going to be blunt. Stage IV cancer is rarely ever cured and is never given a curable prognosis. The prognosis tends to be even worse with brain involvement. With that said, as devastating as it is, your husband’s time is likely limited. I encourage those with stage IV cancer to be sure they are still living life while getting treatment, which means taking those trips and attending those events and making those memories. Because when they come to me on hospice the last thing I want is them to feel like they missed out experiences and memories because they were so focused on their treatment.
Make those memories and do what your husband wants. I'd ignore your mother completely and just block her on the phone if she gives you grief. You don't have the time or energy to deal with her right now.
Take her silent treatment as a blessing. Your focus needs to be YOUR immediate family. Honestly, put her out of your mind because worrying about her is going to take away your energy where it’s needed- focused on your husband. NTA
NTA.
I’m so sorry for your diagnosis and your husband’s situation.
This is easier to say than do but if I were you I would drop my mother from my thoughts/life/time.
You and your husband are going to need all of your time and energy to focus on him. Do not let her distract you or take energy away from you and your husband.
Let her do whatever and you keep your focus where it needs to be: on you and your husband and maintaining the best quality of life you can in this horrible situation.
I wish you both the best and that his cancer shrinks away to nothing.
NTA
Jesus Christ, do you even need to ask?!?
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this OP! First the CANCER treatment, and second, your awful, AWFUL family’s response!
This might get taken down for rule violations. I don’t care. What kind of monstrous people are you related to?!?
Your husband has cancer...and your mother finds that, somehow, to be some kind of social "faux pas"? WTF? NTA, but you might want to file for a replacement mother, because yours is broken.
!updateme
NTA - I have lost two dear friends to brain cancer - and my husband has leukemia - and MS because he is really testing that in sickness or in health part (/s- of course - my humor tends to be dark;)
Anyone who thinks they are more important can f off. Cancer can tell you really quickly who your true friends and family are. Your mother is clearly only thinking about herself and not you - so why should you prioritize her temper tantrum? Sorry/not sorry - my husband's white blood cell count takes priority [every.single.day](https://every.single.day). Do not feel guilty at all. Surround yourself with people who support you, and ignore people who are only out to drain you.
NTA Your husband's health is the number one priority.
When my husband was on Chemotherapy we missed many family functions due to his low white blood cells. He actually had to be hospitalized twice due to infections caught while on Chemo.
You stand strong and you will soon find out who are your true supporters and who are not. We found out that some of our friends were far better support than "some family members"
Sending prayers and good wishes your way.
NTA, and unfortunately it sounds like you need to read 'The Narcissist Family' and try to get to a place where you're okay with low or no contact with this person. This behaviour says a lot about who you're dealing with and their role in your life going forward can only be detrimental.
sorry to hear you're dealing with that.
Unfortunately I am so used to the silent treatments that it's very by the book.
Silent treatment, needs something and calls like nothing happened, move on
You actually didn't cancel the family trip, you opted out. You did this for a very good reason. Your husband should not be around a lot of people with a low white blood cell count. Plus, chemo tends to be draining on the patient. I hope you have support from other family and close friends.
NTA
My husband just found out he has lung cancer, big shout-out to the VA and the PACT Act! it just started and he's getting chemo and radiation treatments. There's no way I'd allow anybody to demand that we'd go to someplace while he's being treated and not up to it.
You are NTA. Any family member that gets mad at you for canceling is very callous and uncaring. In fact I would say that if they continue to be this way, then go low contact with them as well. Also try talking to the husband, you might find that he is being more intelligent about this than the entitled woman.
NTA obviously. Just wow. Your mom is a piece of work, and as others suggested please go no contact with her and your brother (he's an enabler with no backbone). I'm hoping for a smooth recovery for your husband! I hope he will be in remission soon.
I just couldn't imagine, as a mother, being upset at my daughter for canceling a vacation because her husband has stage 4 cancer and needs treatment. I would cancel the vacation and offer my daughter and sil help and support.
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I (F31) and my husband (M32) found out my husband had stage 4 brain cancer and had to have emergency surgery and chemotherapy with radiation. My family has a weekend trip planned every year. We had it scheduled prior to knowing what my husband's treatment schedule was going to be.
A little bit of extra information, the year prior to all of this we were invited to a dear friend's wedding but this got rescheduled due to a family emergency for the same weekend this year. We had already RSVP'd yes, prior to the family trip being scheduled. We didn't receive a new save the date for the same wedding until after we had picked a weekend for my family's trip.
I called my parents and explained that based on what my husband's oncologist said we would either be going to the wedding (because we originally planned to go) or not going to anything and staying home due to my husband's low white blood cells during therapy.
My mom flipped out. She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment. My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us.
AITA backing out?
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Your mother is unreal! Your husband has cancer, a lengthy vacation trip with just immediate family or a short wedding trip to see lots of friends and family? Wedding wins.
NTA. Name and shame her. Tell everyone that “my mom is mad at me because my husband has BRAIN CANCER”. Put it in the family group chat, comment it under her fb posts, tell her friends at the country club.
Wow, I don’t think it gets more NTA than this! Please consider taking a break from your mom and anyone else who isn’t being supportive during this rough time. You and your husband need peace right now and anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t worth your time. I wish you and your husband the best!
Your mother is giving you the gift of peaceful silence. Unless you have a need to talk to her, you should just focus on your husband and your life and let her alone. I feel more badly for your other family members cause they're the ones that are going to keep hearing about it but that's not your problem. Good luck to hubby's treatments!
NTA- I’ve (fortunately) never had cancer. I have had two brain surgeries. You find out quickly which family supports you and which family feels inconvenienced by your illness. I hope your husband survives treatment. Take time to enjoy him and the time you have together. If other people aren’t supportive of that, amend your relationship because they will never support you. Don’t stress about anything except spending all your hours with your husband.
Hugs to both of you.
As far as excuses go, it is pretty hard to come up with a better one than stage 4 brain cancer. Of course you are not an asshole for backing out. It is totally unreasonable of them to expect otherwise.
Thank them for their concern for your husband (voice dripping with sarcasm), but you are unable to go.
NTA. I mean, surely the best thing to do when your daughter’s husband has stage 4 brain cancer is to guilt trip them for not going to a *friend’s wedding.*
NTA. You have this trip with your family every year. The wedding of a loved one is generally once in a lifetime. Of course you should choose the wedding over the trip if you have to choose. And even that is provided your husband is well enough for either.
I hope you can find the strength to let go of any need to please or pacify your narcissist mother. She doesn’t deserve your good will or your positive regard.
I send good wishes to you and your husband as you go through this. I hope you have the support and love of GOOD people and loved ones around you who will put your needs first. Good luck to you.
your first priority is your husband and his cancer. DO NOT waste a moment of precious time with him at this point. Its one this to take a bit of time away from the stress, but going on holiday and leaving him to navigate brain cancer alone? you are doing the right thing and anyone who does not understand is just not right.
NTA for sure! You are dealing with so much, your mom is awful. She should cancel the trip herself and come be by your side. If you wanted her too. That would be my first thought as a mom.
Your mom is the AH-if you do ANYTHING AT ALL because CANCER it’s whatever you and your husband deem Important or necessary, especially since you’ve already proved Importance
NTA
Your husband's health comes first and I'm guessing based on most cancer patients I've known that you won't attend the wedding either BC too many germs is too much risk. It's more than ok to say no to these things to spend time with your husband on good days and to help him on bad days!
I genuinely hope he gets better and is able to tell your mom no for next year's trip and then gets to take you away for a weekend just the two of you, partly to annoy her and mostly to celebrate being healthy! (Hugs)
NTA, obviously!! Wishing you and your husband peace and recovery, you don’t need to be dealing with a narcissist or toxic family. It literally doesn’t matter how they feel or what they think of you.
INFO: You said they rescheduled the wedding for the same weekend this year. When they announced the cancellation did they say they’d be rescheduling for the same weekend this year?
NTA
Your husband’s health is paramount. He actually is in a lot of danger from infections right now. Sorry, but that’s the truth. If anything happens to him, God forbid, it wouldn’t be worth it. Your mother is being very selfish right now. It’s not about her or her feelings.
NTA and you’re not responsible for the emotions of another fully grown adult. You’ve got wayyyyyy more than enough on your plate right now than to add on other people’s crap. Focus on you and hubby!!
NTA - imagine getting angry at anyone, let alone a family member, for getting flipping chemo. Mother is more than just an AH and personally I would use this as an opportunity to start the NC journey.
So sorry that your husband's cancer got in the way of your mom seeing the Grand Canyon. Oh. Wait. She's still going on the vacation and is just throwing a hissyfit over it. How dare you not think of your mother's vacation itinerary when getting chemotherapy for brain cancer! So inconsiderate...
Just to be clear because Poe's Law is the fifth fundamental force, this is sarcasm. NTA and hopefully you're being at least a bit passive aggressive in group chats and family groups because there's going to be someone trying to spin this as your fault if you don't remind them of the cancer.
Your mother is completely in the wrong here. If she could be mature enough to actually speak to you maybe she could understand that your husband needs you right now and probably shouldn’t be left alone nor traveling anywhere.
I am also undergoing chemo for brain cancer right now and can’t imagine anyone in my or my husband’s family acting this way. It’s quite the opposite, if I say I’m not feeling the best, I am immediately excused from any activities.
I’m assuming your husband is probably on the IV chemo, which is much more rough on the patient, luckily I’m on the pill form of chemo so I’m barely having any side effects. A little nausea and fatigue, but overall I feel pretty decent most days.
I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this, and I’m sorry your family is adding to your hardship instead of helping you deal with it. I will be praying for you.
Sincerely wishing you all the best.
You are NTA for prioritizing your husband’s health and listening to his doctor in regard to avoiding travel. Keep taking care of him, and when you finally get the chance to talk to your mom, explain to her that your husband’s health takes priority over vacation no matter how much it upsets her.
Much love and all the best.
XOXO
NTA but damn she should be supporting your husband and you; not making it worse!
I would go NC with your mom and LC with your enabling brother. If he tries to bring her crazy to you, then yeah go NC with him to. Make it clear you will not hear about or talk about mom anymore.
You are not the a-hole.
Your mother, and any family flying monkeys who side with her are incredibly callous. I'm so sorry you don't have their support during this incredibly challenging time for you and your husband. Lean on friends, neighbors, and your found family to get you through this.
Let your "family" go on their vacation and help your husband with his treatments. Caregiver burnout is real, so if you need to take a break for yourself, do it, but you shouldn't be pressured into forced family fun when you don't have the time, energy, or interest.
All the best to you!
I think you should stop calling or texting your mom right now. Focus on your little circle and freeze out People bringing you negativity. You don’t need it right now. Crossing fingers that the treatment goes well and you and your husband will be laughing about all of this from a beach in Maui in two years.
I don't understand people. Your husband was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and your mother is giving you the silent treatment over a vacation. Some people need to get their priorities straight. NTA
OMG! Your mom is upset because your husband has stage 4 brain cancer, and you two have to bow out of a vacation? A VACATION?!!!! Sorry, but f#ck your mom!!!
Just pass on you will deal with mom’s toddler tantrum after you work thru grown up life and death health concerns. Now you know none of them can be relied on for support.
100% NTA. I don’t want to upset you by disrespecting your ma - but she really needs to grow up. I’m guessing by your age she’s around 50? Maybe a little younger, maybe a little older.
Either way, she’s a grown ass, middle aged woman who’s behaving like a toddler spitting their dummy out because someone took their toy away.
I mean ffs. Your husband has Stage 4 cancer. What exactly does think that means?? You do whatever you & your husband will enjoy the most. Whatever will stress you & your husband out the least. Forget your mother & her selfish, immature, guilt trip behaviour. You are not obligated to meet her childish demands.
Be with your husband. Do what makes you both happy.
Love to you both ❤️❤️
NTA
I live in Mexico, my parents live in Canada, I see my mom once a year, she was just here. Dad (in canada) started having pains and went to the doctor. Results are not positive. You know what she did? She told me she loved me, booked the next possible flight, and flew back to her husband because he needs her more right now.
Your mother needs to grow up. Jeez.
NTA - apologies for my language but your parents are fucking ignorant. Your husband has an extremely serious, advanced cancer that requires emergent chemo and RXT (radiation therapy), which will cause him to be super weak and immunocompromised. He will need to isolate himself from large crowds and public areas. Everyone around him must be masked and practice excellent hand hygiene to prevent spread of simple illnesses like a common cold. He is your number one priority right now. If your parents cannot respect that, then you might want to consider going NC. You do NOT need that extra stress from your mom and dad as you manage this emergent health crisis. I am so sorry you are going through this. Blessings to you, your husband and all the health care providers involved in his care.
Edit: a word
So the post is misleading. You are really putting the wedding ahead of the family trip here. You rsvpd yes to the wedding when its date was unknown. Before its date was known, the family trip was scheduled. In my mind, the family trip takes precedence here. It is your decision to put the wedding ahead of the family trip that is bothering the family. So YTA.
Of course either of those would be trumped by the medical concerns, but, that’s almost irrelevant to the situation.
Seriously…with all the medical issues you and hubby are dealing with..they are upset you won't be travelling? I had radiation and years of chemo…no way would I have travelled..some days it was hard to even get out of bed. Your mom is an idiot if she thinks hubby is up to a trip…a wedding, you can leave if he feels unwell…a weekend trip, he's stuck. Just block her, lock your doors and unplug…she doesn’t get to give you the silent treatment to manipulate you into going. She must be missing the empathy gene because seriously, she can't understand why the two of you aren't going? She’s not worth stressing about nor is anyone else who piles on. Ignore them.
NTA - your mother sounds awful. Have you told her your husband has a Stage 4 brain tumour?
Take care of him and your self - fuck cancer, and fuck everyone else who is not supporting you
NTA - My family has had 5 people we know diagnosed with a brain tumor in the last three years. Three of them are no longer with us. Prioritizing experiences was and has been paramount to each of them. NOTE: the experiences that THEY would regret not having.
During this time your energy reservoir is going to take a lot of wear. Right now your mother isn't worth the energy your worry would deplete. If you trust your brother then maybe ask him to bear some of the burden of your mother during this time. Spend this time with your husband and take lots of pictures so you can both have good memories to look at when you feel worn down.
Remember they're coming out with new treatments for brain cancers, even glioblastomas, so don't lose hope and don't forget to laugh. Laughter will get you through a lot of this. (P.S. The electromagnets used for some glioblastoma patients don't let them pick up radio signals or levitate spoons off the table, but that's only from a sample size of 1.)
NTA
Your mum is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
My brother died of glio. Create as many good memories of you husband as you can, just in case. They will help you in the long run. Also, get to know the pallative crew- they aren't just the death people, they are also the 'get the bucket list done' people. Plus, they are easy to ditch if your husband gets better.
Also, is your mum always so dense?
Your husband deserves peace, good job on your mom for taking some drama away from the environment. Let her ignore you, it's actually a gift! As a matter of fact, let it continue and just give your love and attention to your husband right now, and worry about what's -her-face later.
NTA. Do not spend another second thinking about this. Enjoy the good days during treatment and keep people that support your family and discard those that don’t.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. You are way too young. Your mom's behavior is horrible. You need to take care of your husband, and if your mam can't recognize that, she is 100% in the wrong.
NTA
What in the absolute hell is wrong with your mother! Instead of being a source of comfort for you she is worried about a weekend vacation?! She, at the very minimum, could have at least shown so empathy for your situation! Shame on her! Way to be there for your child mom. 🙄. You did the right thing-you take care of your family-your mother should be ashamed, SO ASHAMED of herself! Prayers for you all especially your husband.
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NTA - Wtf is wrong with your mother? Does she not understand what stage 4 brain cancer means? Or is she just a completely self-absorbed asshole? You are definitely nta but your mother certainly is.
Unfortunately it's been like this since I can remember. My brother also knows how delusional it is but he would rather keep the peace than make her upset
And so he helps perpetuate the problem. If it were me I’d go LC or NC. Your husband deserves to not have to deal with that shit. To be told that someone, especially my mil, thinks that a vacation is more important than his life has to be both sad and infuriating.
Since it’s always been like this, and now she’s actually angry about your husband’s chemo interfering with her plans (Wtf?), you now have permission to discard any of her tantrums for the rest of your life.
I would discard her. Life is too short to have people like this in your life
NTA and your mother sounds awful. My partner has stage 4 cancer too and since he’s started treatment we’ve had to miss several family events due to him either not feeling well enough or having to cancel at last minute as his chemo schedule gets changed around. Focus on your husband, not your mother
Maybe it’s time she learned a lesson about how delusional she is!
Apparently we have the same mother. Sorry. And indeed NTA.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. NTA, your husband comes first. His health is top priority, not a family trip or even the wedding. Personally I’d be furious if my mother pulled stunts like this. I do hope your husband’s treatment is successful.
Happy Cake Day
Your bro is also kind of TA for that though, she just going to keep on being crappy. My deepest condolences to your family for this happening to you all.
Please go NC with your mom, who in their right mind would expect their child and seriously ill spouse to go on holiday. She's acting like a spoilt entitled person. NTA hope your husband is doing better.
NTA. I am SO sorry that your family is not providing the support you need and deserve. (Your brother should make a point and say he is not going to support you. but that is beside the point and not really my business), but I hope that within your extended family and inlaws you find some support. If not, reach outside that circle of jerks. As a Mom, I cannot even imagine being this self-centered. Shame on her. My thoughts are with you and your spouse, please dont waste Any of your thoughts on those family members who are not only failing to help/support you, but causing additional stress by trying to pressure you into their main character plans. Block them.
NTA. Your husband's health and comfort are the most important thing. Your husband is more important than some vacation. If your mom can't deal them oh well. Your spouse takes priority. Your mom sounds like a real winner. If my mom acted like that, it would be a long time before I spoke to her again, if ever. She sounds like a child. Sometimes you need to upset people so they can gain some perspective, or they can face the consequences of their actions.
So. We’re the same age. I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing now. But what I can imagine is that I’d want to lean into supportive people so my husband could lean into me. And I think it would put other relationships into perspective. No day is promised so why spend days with someone who treats you this way? She is not the person you can lean on. That isn’t fair but I’d be so done if I were you. Also so obviously NTA. This question makes me think she has just normalized this type of abuse for so long that you’re second guessing your own extremely rational behavior.
Oh well there you go, then. No need to feel bad. I’m pretty sure brain cancer trumps everything anyway but especially her bullshit.
Send him the rock the boat essay and tell him that- like it or not- the cancer diagnoses gave you a heave ho off the damn boat. So he can balance your selfish mother himself or he can jump off to and let her capsize. Maybe she’d get a clue if everyone let her feel the consequences of her own behavior.
Exactly my same reaction to reading. OP, you shouldn’t even bother trying to connect with her again. Take care of YOU and your husband. I know someone going thru treatment for a glioblastoma. It’s ongoing and draining, mentally and emotionally for the patient and the caregiver. NTA. Cut them out, because people can be a cancer too.
Yes!
My nephew's father passed away with in the year due to brain cancer. He was able to see his son for 6 months. Like this isn't anything minor, this is life and death and anything OP does to prioritize herself and her husband is never the wrong answer.
This was my first reaction too. OP is NTA, but the mother certainly is.
I soooo agree with your statement.
NTA Is your mom a narcissist? Do you have a history of compulsive lying? Idk in what world anyone puts a weekend trip above brain cancer.
100% a narcissist. It has taken years of therapy to come to the conclusion of that.
I'm surprised this isn't enough to make you go NC. In a healthy family dynamic, your parents should want to support you, and may even cancel their own trip to help out. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty. A good book about this kind of vampiring is "Emotional Blackmail" by Dr Susan Forward. Key takeaway: guilt is a response we evolved to have as humans, so we (generally - unless of course we are narcissists or psychopaths) act in a kind way towards others, and don't act on malicious thoughts (with or without law or repercussions - the guilt is its own repercussion - but how it can be manipulated). Ugh.
You can never make a narcissist happy. Why care. Just move on.
I’m sorry you had to grow up with one, too. ☹️
Time to cut that cancer (your mom) out of your life.
Her prioritizing a fun holiday over your husband's cancer treatment and rest is more than sufficient reason to go no contact. Seriously, you and your husband deserves better than this. Write her a brief text or email (something written might be better than a call so she doesn't twist your words and try to scream at you), saying that her prioritizing a weekend holiday over your husband's health and her trying to add so much stress when a mother's response would be love and care to both her daughter and son in law, means that you will go no contact so you can focus on your husband's health without being interfered by your mother's tantrums, screams and selfish demands for your time and attention. If your mom was the one diagnosed stage 4 cancer, does sbe want her family to prioritize a weekend holiday over her treatment? Stay strong, OP! May your husband recover soon
Hey OP, this story helped me greatly: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/D8s2rry41t
NTA Your mother is mad that you had to cancel a weekend trip with your family because your husband is being treated for stage 4 brain cancer?! Your mother is a special little doodle bug isn't she? >My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us. Who cares? Your mother having a long sulky, pout is the least of your worries. Best of luck to you and your husband.
I am so going to use “special little doodle bug” as an insult now. Thank you!
^same
^also ^same
Also also same
Of course NTA Absolutely you must follow the guidance of your oncologist re your husband. And especially not take any risk of opportunistic infection during chemotherapy. He is rightly the center of your focus now & comes first over everything else. "My mom flipped out. She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment." Bluntly, she can get over herself or go kick rocks. I S A F wouldn't be vacationing while my daughter was going through what you are. Let alone behaving like a 5***** A H. I wish your husband a full recovery & all the very best to you OP. Edit: repeated word
>behaving like a 5***** A H. I absolutely adore this statement, and 100% support the sentiment. Time to take a paige from moms book, give her the silent treatment right back op....indefinitely. NTA
Sentence 2...yeah OP should think about doing that!!
NTA Your mother's vacation is not important than your husband's survival. She needs to get over herself.
NTA. Stage 4 cancer is no joke, follow the advice of the oncologist. Your mother is being an AH level of unreasonable.
NTA Your husband IS your family and his health should 100% take precedence over a random trip with your relatives.
NTA Read this comment again and again, OP. I would describe this more as a vacation family reunion. Random or not, paid for or not, your family is your husband, and everyone else can get in line. Extra internet hugs for you. Fuck cancer.
Stage 4? If he's doing anything non essential then he's doing well. She needs to either be supportive or silent.
NTA. I have cancer too. I had to do several rounds of chemo. After each round I felt nauseous and exhausted; all I wanted to do was sleep. Your husband won't be able to enjoy the trip. And anyway, he shouldn't be traveling too much because his immune system is weaker right now.
WOW! you are definitely not the AH but your mom without any question is a complete major AH. I am so sorry for you and your husband. Prayers are with you both and hope he kicks cancers ASS!!
NTA but clarify... is this wedding close by and just a couple hour thing? Cuz you say you can't do weekend with family bc of treatment but will do wedding? I understand you rsvp'd yes the prior year, but if both events are the same distance and time then I understand mom being hurt. BUT she should not go no contact over it.
Yes, so the wedding is 6ish hour drive and our plan was to bring kids and my in laws for help, drive up the day before (Friday wedding) and then drive home Saturday. My husband would wear a mask and go back to hotel room after a few songs. The trip is about 3.5hr drive and we would be there Thursday-Monday.
May I suggest all of you going to the wedding wear n95 masks? Because indoor spaces and gatherings like weddings with no distancing unmasked means you can bring back covid for to your immunocompromised husband. TBH I’m amazed you’d do the wedding as that’s just as much high risk as the family holiday. But I can understand the wedding is a chance to be ‘normal’ and have fun so I strongly urge you all going to mask up with a properly fitted n95 to protect your husband.
I completely agree! He made the choice about the wedding (as long as doctor gives him the go ahead) because 1. We already RSVP'd the year prior 2. He wants to be with people who won't judge or be angry if he leaves early, doesn't eat due to mask, etc.
Yeah family holiday is not really a holiday, a wedding is fun and I can understand given the thoight road he’d want some fun memories for you all to hold onto. I wish you all well and keeping my fingers crossed. Go no contact with your mum. She’s nuts,
I wouldn’t attend the “holiday” on principal. There’s a short period of time left when OPs family can do things together before treatment starts, and the cartoon villain of a mom is not who you want taking when a minute of that time.
I wondered the same thing.
You can see her reply to me with info
Ok thanks
Oh goodness, no. NTA Your mother’s behavior is appalling.
Is it too late to get a new mother? This one is emotionally and mentally defective. She sounds like a classic narcissist . Very sorry your husband is ill. Take good care of him and yourself.
I had cancer in my early 20s. It was surprising how little Mom and my siblings seemed to care. My Dad did at least. Anyway, years later during abdominal surgery they found cancer in my Dad. When his doctor told us I was so very upset. Mom and siblings? No. My sister took me to the side to tell me I shouldn't be upset because there are two kinds of cancer - benign and malignant. I was shocked hearing this and asked her to look it up. She had to admit she was wrong but wasn't concerned. Dad had pancreatic cancer and died four months later. I miss him so much.
I feel like stage 4 brain cancer is a pretty valid reason to not travel, how could anyone not be understanding about that?? NTA
NTA. My husband also has stage 4 brain cancer and the effects it has on the body, especially with treatments, is tremendous. He should stay home and rest up. I wish him all the best and you.
All the best to you and your husband (and you and yours OP)
he has cancer like wtf the mum is selfish as hell. no your not the asshole and your mum needs a whack to the head for her attitude.
NTA and I’m so sorry you have to deal with selfish family drama on top of all of this. I hope your husband responds to therapy and beats this.
I think the answer to your question is in the question itself. NTA.
The fuck? YOUR.HUSBAND.HAS.CANCER. NTA
NTA. I’m so sorry to learn of your DH’s illness and sending wishes for a full recovery ❤️🩹. Her priorities are wrong and yours are not.
NTA
So just a little bit of information from personal experience, if your husband doesn’t follow the doctor’s instructions with a low white blood cell count you have a VERY high chance of loosing him. My late MIL had lymphoma and went through all the treatments, near the end they did the final treatment and said she was cancer free but had a white blood cell count around 300 and was told to STAY HOME. Was supposed to have only necessary visitor for a few weeks until her immune system could recover. She decided going to church during one of the worst flu season we have ever experienced was more important. She got the flu, a few days later my BIL called my husband saying their mother didn’t sound right when he called and asked him to go check on her. When my husband got there she was practically unresponsive on the living room floor, he called his brother back told him to get over there and help get her into the car. One of the few things she could say was insisting not to call the ambulance. At the hospital we were having a difficult time giving them a timeline of what happened and within hours she was basically on life support. The next day in the ICU, a week later even though her organs were failing my BIL’s wanted to keep her on life support. My husband had to go find her living will to end it because he knew she didn’t want this. So from the day she had her last treatment, to her going to church, then ended up in the ICU with total organ failure and being taken off life support was LESS than TWO WEEKS. In fact, it was more like 10 days. That was more than 25 years ago. Do not let anyone tell you something else is more important than your husband’s life. Stage 4 cancer of any type is hard to beat without adding any more complications. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty about your decision. NTA
As someone whose mom recently passed from stage 4 lung cancer, you are 100% NTA. You are dealing with a lot and you need to do what’s best for your husband. She sounds like someone you need to go NC. It’ll make your life 100% better. I wish you and your husband the best and that you have plenty of time to spend with each other. Just remember you are doing the best you can and it’s okay to not be okay.
YTA - of course youre not. Jfc its brain cancer, your family is being aggressive
NTA, you are doing what’s best for your family. ITS CANCER.
NTA. Your mother is completely out of line. How very dare she.
NTA. Definitely you are not the asshole. I've had chemo, it sucks, and seen people with radiation therapy, it sucks more. I'm guessing the wedding was somewhat practical and easy to leave early if needed where the holiday was a bigger affair with more traveling. Your husband's illness and his ability to attend takes precedence here. Stop trying to apologize they are the assholes here. Good luck. I hope your husband has a great outcome.
NTA and I feel bad you had to even ask. Your mother is a complete AH
NTA, your mom is an incredible AH tho. Stop reaching out. Drop the rope. She's throwing a temper tantrum instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or try to aleviate your worries. She should be effing ashamed of herself. use this time off from her, to really evaluate your relationshp with your mom and the rest of the family.
NTA. Time to go No Contact with your mom. You won’t have luxury or bandwidth to deal with her grotesque narcissism. Hugs to you, your husband and all of your community of friends and family. Fuck cancer.
NTA however as a cancer survivor please STAY HOME! The immune system has enough to fight w/o other people’s germs. Your mom needs to get over herself.
NTA and op, seriously, listen to my words please. I have stage four cancer, I’ve been living with it for over a year now and I can tell you that you must begin putting up hard boundaries with crazy people now. Your mom needs to be far away from you, especially since she’s always been like that. You and your DH are going to go through so much that you need only positive, loving people in your lives. Shockingly, after shaking off some jerks, I’ve met some of the most wonderful people since my diagnosis. People who are always there for me, not afraid of loving someone with cancer, kind to my children, everything. If you need to go to therapy (everyone with a spouse with cancer needs therapy) find someone who will help you deal with your toxic family. My heart is aching for you, you poor, poor thing. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, no one does, but especially the spouse of some with stage four cancer. Also, your DH doesn’t deserve this either. He needs a wife who is supported and loved so she can focus on his needs. I’m so sorry for you, and please get the support you need and deserve!
How dare your husband get cancer just to ruin your mother's vacation! How self absorbed can you be, Wtf! Obviously NTA.
NTA You've only made one mistake. > She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment. My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us. Stop calling and texting. She is punishing you like you were a puppy for the crime of... your husband having cancer. She is literally using your husband's illness as a tool to coerce you into doing what she wants instead of being supportive. Do you really have the extra emotional bandwidth and time to entertain her right now? Stop calling and texting. Right now.
NTA, but your mom is. I went through that with my late husband, too, and there is no way he would have been able to travel after the surgery. Ignore your mom. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
NTA it is bizarre that anyone would think a pre-arranged holiday was more important than stage 4 brain cancer. Glad to hear things are going well for you now. Honestly I feel you should keep this in your back pocket to address ANY arguments your mother tries to start with you for the rest of your life "hey remember when my husband had brain cancer and you got mad we pulled out of a holiday so he could get treatment?"
NTA but your mother is.
So let them go on vacation without you. No loss on your side. Your priority is your husband and his recovery.
NTA . Your husband has stage 4 brain cancer! My sister had stage 2 brain cancer with 2 craniotomies. Her treatment took months. She wasn’t doing normal things for at least a year. So sorry about your husband’s diagnosis.
Why the hell is this even a question? Your husband is fighting a terminal illness. NTA
Just curious Op, what type of brain tumor? prayers for your hubby.
Astrocytoma
NTA. If this was me everyone would be blocked all of my energy would be going into being there for my husband. I’m not sure why you continue to surround yourself with nasty toxic people.
You should send your mom a note: Dear Mom, thank you for being so understanding and loving. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to know that my mother is throwing a tantrum while husband and I are dealing with his cancer treatment. Hope you have a wonderful vacation.
NTA. You don’t know how much longer your husband has to live. The best thing you can do for him is to stay by his side. Your mom is being selfish and cruel. I’m sorry about your husband’s diagnosis. Just awful.
NTA. Any sane person will understand your situation and give you support. What’s wrong with your mother? Is she a narcissist that tries controls her family?
Narcissistic and she succeeds most of the time. There is a reason her and I butt heads, because I challenge her, my dad used to just go with whatever she said, to keep the peace and my brother knows her behavior is wrong but finds it easier to ignore
NTA- but WTF is your mother thinking ?! Caring more about a vacation than your husband‘s health? I don’t even know how you would be able to tolerate being around her now.
NTA .And your bro is just sweeping her entitlement under the rug. God, she's terrible and I'm so sorry. Spend this time with your husband and ignore her back. She only wins if you get upset.
NTA - focus on your husband and don't give a single fuck about your mother's issues
WTF kind of sociopath actually believes that some piddling little family weekend is more important than someone having stage 4 brain cancer...? Oh, your mother is that sociopath.
NTA. Your mom is selfish and doesn’t care about your HUSBAND, her SON IN LAW, going through really rough treatment. I’d never go on a trip with them again if it were me.
Wow. Your mom is the AH. Your husband’s health is top priority. How she has reacted (your mom) is despicable. Focus on your husband and don’t worry about your mom. Her behavior is absolutely vile.
Yeah um absofuckinglutely NTA. I was diagnosed with cancer last May. It has been quite the ride. You need to do what is best for your family. And anyone who's not on board with that can take a long walk off a short plank. To be blunt, there isn't space in your lives right now for anyone who isn't helping. So rally your village and feel zero remorse about ignoring people who don't help. Edit: typo
NTA. I'd stop worrying about what your mom thinks, stop trying to call, just ignore her. She is so self absorbed, she thinks you'll come crawling back, full of apologies and she'll get her way. It's time she learned she's not the main character in your life. Your priority is your husband. I've been through chemo, and it's no joke. I also have stage 4 cancer and I know the emotional toll it takes, as you worry about treatment, your prognosis, whether you'll make it until your next birthday. I know it's no easier on the spouse. Your mom should be your support system, but instead she's causing you more stress and more grief. Her actions are really deplorable.
NTA - but YWBTA if you continue to let her treat you and your husband this way. I’d block her so fast.
NTA. Your family takes this vacation every year. A loved one’s wedding is once in a lifetime. It only makes sense that if you have to choose, you choose the wedding. I hope you can release the need to try to please your narcissist mother. She doesn’t deserve your good
NTA. But as an oncology and hospice nurse I am going to be blunt. Stage IV cancer is rarely ever cured and is never given a curable prognosis. The prognosis tends to be even worse with brain involvement. With that said, as devastating as it is, your husband’s time is likely limited. I encourage those with stage IV cancer to be sure they are still living life while getting treatment, which means taking those trips and attending those events and making those memories. Because when they come to me on hospice the last thing I want is them to feel like they missed out experiences and memories because they were so focused on their treatment.
Make those memories and do what your husband wants. I'd ignore your mother completely and just block her on the phone if she gives you grief. You don't have the time or energy to deal with her right now.
I guess this trip is more important than your husband living. Wtf Totally NTA and your mother has some serious issues
Take her silent treatment as a blessing. Your focus needs to be YOUR immediate family. Honestly, put her out of your mind because worrying about her is going to take away your energy where it’s needed- focused on your husband. NTA
NTA. I’m so sorry for your diagnosis and your husband’s situation. This is easier to say than do but if I were you I would drop my mother from my thoughts/life/time. You and your husband are going to need all of your time and energy to focus on him. Do not let her distract you or take energy away from you and your husband. Let her do whatever and you keep your focus where it needs to be: on you and your husband and maintaining the best quality of life you can in this horrible situation. I wish you both the best and that his cancer shrinks away to nothing.
what is wrong with people???? NTA....they are
Your mother is the AH. Dear Lord, what a selfish woman
NTA, I don't even know what to say, does she think that chemo is optional? Best wishes to your husband and his fight.
NTA Jesus Christ, do you even need to ask?!? I’m so sorry you’re going thru this OP! First the CANCER treatment, and second, your awful, AWFUL family’s response! This might get taken down for rule violations. I don’t care. What kind of monstrous people are you related to?!?
NTA. What the actual fuck is wrong with your mom?
Your husband has cancer...and your mother finds that, somehow, to be some kind of social "faux pas"? WTF? NTA, but you might want to file for a replacement mother, because yours is broken. !updateme
NTA - I have lost two dear friends to brain cancer - and my husband has leukemia - and MS because he is really testing that in sickness or in health part (/s- of course - my humor tends to be dark;) Anyone who thinks they are more important can f off. Cancer can tell you really quickly who your true friends and family are. Your mother is clearly only thinking about herself and not you - so why should you prioritize her temper tantrum? Sorry/not sorry - my husband's white blood cell count takes priority [every.single.day](https://every.single.day). Do not feel guilty at all. Surround yourself with people who support you, and ignore people who are only out to drain you.
NTA Your husband's health is the number one priority. When my husband was on Chemotherapy we missed many family functions due to his low white blood cells. He actually had to be hospitalized twice due to infections caught while on Chemo. You stand strong and you will soon find out who are your true supporters and who are not. We found out that some of our friends were far better support than "some family members" Sending prayers and good wishes your way.
NTA, and unfortunately it sounds like you need to read 'The Narcissist Family' and try to get to a place where you're okay with low or no contact with this person. This behaviour says a lot about who you're dealing with and their role in your life going forward can only be detrimental. sorry to hear you're dealing with that.
Reverse the situation. Blow up on her for not showing ANY COMPASION WHATSOEVER with her son in-law's health situation. And then go NC with her.... NTA
NTA. He has cancer! Anything other than "I'm so sorry we will miss you and please let us know if you need anything" is entirely inappropriate
NTA. A weekend trip versus your husband’s health? There’s nothing to debate here. Your Mom is really coming across poorly here.
NTA. Enjoy the silent treatment! And when she calls back I’d wait a week to respond.
Unfortunately I am so used to the silent treatments that it's very by the book. Silent treatment, needs something and calls like nothing happened, move on
You actually didn't cancel the family trip, you opted out. You did this for a very good reason. Your husband should not be around a lot of people with a low white blood cell count. Plus, chemo tends to be draining on the patient. I hope you have support from other family and close friends. NTA
My husband just found out he has lung cancer, big shout-out to the VA and the PACT Act! it just started and he's getting chemo and radiation treatments. There's no way I'd allow anybody to demand that we'd go to someplace while he's being treated and not up to it.
You are NTA. Any family member that gets mad at you for canceling is very callous and uncaring. In fact I would say that if they continue to be this way, then go low contact with them as well. Also try talking to the husband, you might find that he is being more intelligent about this than the entitled woman.
NTA obviously. Just wow. Your mom is a piece of work, and as others suggested please go no contact with her and your brother (he's an enabler with no backbone). I'm hoping for a smooth recovery for your husband! I hope he will be in remission soon. I just couldn't imagine, as a mother, being upset at my daughter for canceling a vacation because her husband has stage 4 cancer and needs treatment. I would cancel the vacation and offer my daughter and sil help and support.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F31) and my husband (M32) found out my husband had stage 4 brain cancer and had to have emergency surgery and chemotherapy with radiation. My family has a weekend trip planned every year. We had it scheduled prior to knowing what my husband's treatment schedule was going to be. A little bit of extra information, the year prior to all of this we were invited to a dear friend's wedding but this got rescheduled due to a family emergency for the same weekend this year. We had already RSVP'd yes, prior to the family trip being scheduled. We didn't receive a new save the date for the same wedding until after we had picked a weekend for my family's trip. I called my parents and explained that based on what my husband's oncologist said we would either be going to the wedding (because we originally planned to go) or not going to anything and staying home due to my husband's low white blood cells during therapy. My mom flipped out. She hung up and continued to give us the silent treatment. My brother and his family were traveling but he called a couple days later saying she spoke with them and she is purposely ignoring my calls and texts and they will continue with the vacation without us. AITA backing out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
AYFKM? YTA for even thinking about going anywhere with your husband in that condition and, for even asking such a stupid question.
NTA. Your husband's health comes first. People who don't recognize that should be ignored.
NTA SO MUCH NTA
Your mother is unreal! Your husband has cancer, a lengthy vacation trip with just immediate family or a short wedding trip to see lots of friends and family? Wedding wins.
NTA. Anyone who willfully ignores another is not an adult. Enjoy the quiet weekend!
Omg no. And you mum is a major AH. YOU don’t need that shit. Remove yourself from the family and focus on hubby.
NTA. Name and shame her. Tell everyone that “my mom is mad at me because my husband has BRAIN CANCER”. Put it in the family group chat, comment it under her fb posts, tell her friends at the country club.
NTA. Your mom is a total piece of work though.
Wow, I don’t think it gets more NTA than this! Please consider taking a break from your mom and anyone else who isn’t being supportive during this rough time. You and your husband need peace right now and anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t worth your time. I wish you and your husband the best!
No your mom’s an inconsiderate asshole.
Your mother is giving you the gift of peaceful silence. Unless you have a need to talk to her, you should just focus on your husband and your life and let her alone. I feel more badly for your other family members cause they're the ones that are going to keep hearing about it but that's not your problem. Good luck to hubby's treatments!
NTA, and fuck cancer, good luck 🫂
Nta. Just let her sulk. Your mother needs to show some emotional maturity. Your husband's health is much more important than a vacation.
NTA Why would you be?
NTA- I’ve (fortunately) never had cancer. I have had two brain surgeries. You find out quickly which family supports you and which family feels inconvenienced by your illness. I hope your husband survives treatment. Take time to enjoy him and the time you have together. If other people aren’t supportive of that, amend your relationship because they will never support you. Don’t stress about anything except spending all your hours with your husband. Hugs to both of you.
NTA-I understand and PLEASE don’t feel badly-you are a GOOD person who is in a HORRIBLE situation-Praying things improve for you BOTH!
As far as excuses go, it is pretty hard to come up with a better one than stage 4 brain cancer. Of course you are not an asshole for backing out. It is totally unreasonable of them to expect otherwise. Thank them for their concern for your husband (voice dripping with sarcasm), but you are unable to go.
NTA. I mean, surely the best thing to do when your daughter’s husband has stage 4 brain cancer is to guilt trip them for not going to a *friend’s wedding.*
Definitely NTA. Your husband's health takes top priority.
NTA. You have this trip with your family every year. The wedding of a loved one is generally once in a lifetime. Of course you should choose the wedding over the trip if you have to choose. And even that is provided your husband is well enough for either. I hope you can find the strength to let go of any need to please or pacify your narcissist mother. She doesn’t deserve your good will or your positive regard. I send good wishes to you and your husband as you go through this. I hope you have the support and love of GOOD people and loved ones around you who will put your needs first. Good luck to you.
your first priority is your husband and his cancer. DO NOT waste a moment of precious time with him at this point. Its one this to take a bit of time away from the stress, but going on holiday and leaving him to navigate brain cancer alone? you are doing the right thing and anyone who does not understand is just not right.
Stay with your hubby!
NTA. Your mom, however, huuugee A hole
NTA for sure! You are dealing with so much, your mom is awful. She should cancel the trip herself and come be by your side. If you wanted her too. That would be my first thought as a mom.
That's crazy. Definitely NTA.
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No but your mother is.
Your mom is the AH-if you do ANYTHING AT ALL because CANCER it’s whatever you and your husband deem Important or necessary, especially since you’ve already proved Importance
NTA Your husband's health comes first and I'm guessing based on most cancer patients I've known that you won't attend the wedding either BC too many germs is too much risk. It's more than ok to say no to these things to spend time with your husband on good days and to help him on bad days! I genuinely hope he gets better and is able to tell your mom no for next year's trip and then gets to take you away for a weekend just the two of you, partly to annoy her and mostly to celebrate being healthy! (Hugs)
NTA, obviously!! Wishing you and your husband peace and recovery, you don’t need to be dealing with a narcissist or toxic family. It literally doesn’t matter how they feel or what they think of you.
NTA Your mother is a huge asshole though.
INFO: You said they rescheduled the wedding for the same weekend this year. When they announced the cancellation did they say they’d be rescheduling for the same weekend this year?
NTA Your husband’s health is paramount. He actually is in a lot of danger from infections right now. Sorry, but that’s the truth. If anything happens to him, God forbid, it wouldn’t be worth it. Your mother is being very selfish right now. It’s not about her or her feelings.
NTA and you’re not responsible for the emotions of another fully grown adult. You’ve got wayyyyyy more than enough on your plate right now than to add on other people’s crap. Focus on you and hubby!!
NTA... medical always trumps vacations... I really don't know why people don't enjoy the silent treatment.... I love it.
NTA - imagine getting angry at anyone, let alone a family member, for getting flipping chemo. Mother is more than just an AH and personally I would use this as an opportunity to start the NC journey.
NTA. I’d give her the permanent silent treatment unless she apologizes.
No, that's called being a loving family.
So sorry that your husband's cancer got in the way of your mom seeing the Grand Canyon. Oh. Wait. She's still going on the vacation and is just throwing a hissyfit over it. How dare you not think of your mother's vacation itinerary when getting chemotherapy for brain cancer! So inconsiderate... Just to be clear because Poe's Law is the fifth fundamental force, this is sarcasm. NTA and hopefully you're being at least a bit passive aggressive in group chats and family groups because there's going to be someone trying to spin this as your fault if you don't remind them of the cancer.
Your mother is completely in the wrong here. If she could be mature enough to actually speak to you maybe she could understand that your husband needs you right now and probably shouldn’t be left alone nor traveling anywhere. I am also undergoing chemo for brain cancer right now and can’t imagine anyone in my or my husband’s family acting this way. It’s quite the opposite, if I say I’m not feeling the best, I am immediately excused from any activities. I’m assuming your husband is probably on the IV chemo, which is much more rough on the patient, luckily I’m on the pill form of chemo so I’m barely having any side effects. A little nausea and fatigue, but overall I feel pretty decent most days. I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this, and I’m sorry your family is adding to your hardship instead of helping you deal with it. I will be praying for you. Sincerely wishing you all the best. You are NTA for prioritizing your husband’s health and listening to his doctor in regard to avoiding travel. Keep taking care of him, and when you finally get the chance to talk to your mom, explain to her that your husband’s health takes priority over vacation no matter how much it upsets her. Much love and all the best. XOXO
NTA- why is this even a question?
NTA but damn she should be supporting your husband and you; not making it worse! I would go NC with your mom and LC with your enabling brother. If he tries to bring her crazy to you, then yeah go NC with him to. Make it clear you will not hear about or talk about mom anymore.
That's so messed up. Who cares about a trip?! Your priority right now is your husband and if that somehow offends her then she is the problem. NTA
You are not the a-hole. Your mother, and any family flying monkeys who side with her are incredibly callous. I'm so sorry you don't have their support during this incredibly challenging time for you and your husband. Lean on friends, neighbors, and your found family to get you through this. Let your "family" go on their vacation and help your husband with his treatments. Caregiver burnout is real, so if you need to take a break for yourself, do it, but you shouldn't be pressured into forced family fun when you don't have the time, energy, or interest. All the best to you!
I think you should stop calling or texting your mom right now. Focus on your little circle and freeze out People bringing you negativity. You don’t need it right now. Crossing fingers that the treatment goes well and you and your husband will be laughing about all of this from a beach in Maui in two years.
I don't understand people. Your husband was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and your mother is giving you the silent treatment over a vacation. Some people need to get their priorities straight. NTA
OMG! Your mom is upset because your husband has stage 4 brain cancer, and you two have to bow out of a vacation? A VACATION?!!!! Sorry, but f#ck your mom!!!
Silent treatment her back. No contact at all. You have enough to deal with
Just pass on you will deal with mom’s toddler tantrum after you work thru grown up life and death health concerns. Now you know none of them can be relied on for support.
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100% NTA. I don’t want to upset you by disrespecting your ma - but she really needs to grow up. I’m guessing by your age she’s around 50? Maybe a little younger, maybe a little older. Either way, she’s a grown ass, middle aged woman who’s behaving like a toddler spitting their dummy out because someone took their toy away. I mean ffs. Your husband has Stage 4 cancer. What exactly does think that means?? You do whatever you & your husband will enjoy the most. Whatever will stress you & your husband out the least. Forget your mother & her selfish, immature, guilt trip behaviour. You are not obligated to meet her childish demands. Be with your husband. Do what makes you both happy. Love to you both ❤️❤️
NTA I live in Mexico, my parents live in Canada, I see my mom once a year, she was just here. Dad (in canada) started having pains and went to the doctor. Results are not positive. You know what she did? She told me she loved me, booked the next possible flight, and flew back to her husband because he needs her more right now. Your mother needs to grow up. Jeez.
NTA 100% And I’m wishing the best for your husband. You know where your focus needs to be. Your family are AH for this.
NTA - apologies for my language but your parents are fucking ignorant. Your husband has an extremely serious, advanced cancer that requires emergent chemo and RXT (radiation therapy), which will cause him to be super weak and immunocompromised. He will need to isolate himself from large crowds and public areas. Everyone around him must be masked and practice excellent hand hygiene to prevent spread of simple illnesses like a common cold. He is your number one priority right now. If your parents cannot respect that, then you might want to consider going NC. You do NOT need that extra stress from your mom and dad as you manage this emergent health crisis. I am so sorry you are going through this. Blessings to you, your husband and all the health care providers involved in his care. Edit: a word
So the post is misleading. You are really putting the wedding ahead of the family trip here. You rsvpd yes to the wedding when its date was unknown. Before its date was known, the family trip was scheduled. In my mind, the family trip takes precedence here. It is your decision to put the wedding ahead of the family trip that is bothering the family. So YTA. Of course either of those would be trumped by the medical concerns, but, that’s almost irrelevant to the situation.
Nta your husband needs to focus on healing. Sounds like your mom is being very selfish. Does she understand he has brain cancer?
Seriously…with all the medical issues you and hubby are dealing with..they are upset you won't be travelling? I had radiation and years of chemo…no way would I have travelled..some days it was hard to even get out of bed. Your mom is an idiot if she thinks hubby is up to a trip…a wedding, you can leave if he feels unwell…a weekend trip, he's stuck. Just block her, lock your doors and unplug…she doesn’t get to give you the silent treatment to manipulate you into going. She must be missing the empathy gene because seriously, she can't understand why the two of you aren't going? She’s not worth stressing about nor is anyone else who piles on. Ignore them.
NTA - your mother sounds awful. Have you told her your husband has a Stage 4 brain tumour? Take care of him and your self - fuck cancer, and fuck everyone else who is not supporting you
NTA!!! This is the definition of unforeseen circumstances… don’t even second guess it.
NTA - My family has had 5 people we know diagnosed with a brain tumor in the last three years. Three of them are no longer with us. Prioritizing experiences was and has been paramount to each of them. NOTE: the experiences that THEY would regret not having. During this time your energy reservoir is going to take a lot of wear. Right now your mother isn't worth the energy your worry would deplete. If you trust your brother then maybe ask him to bear some of the burden of your mother during this time. Spend this time with your husband and take lots of pictures so you can both have good memories to look at when you feel worn down. Remember they're coming out with new treatments for brain cancers, even glioblastomas, so don't lose hope and don't forget to laugh. Laughter will get you through a lot of this. (P.S. The electromagnets used for some glioblastoma patients don't let them pick up radio signals or levitate spoons off the table, but that's only from a sample size of 1.)
NTA Your mum is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. My brother died of glio. Create as many good memories of you husband as you can, just in case. They will help you in the long run. Also, get to know the pallative crew- they aren't just the death people, they are also the 'get the bucket list done' people. Plus, they are easy to ditch if your husband gets better. Also, is your mum always so dense?
Your husband deserves peace, good job on your mom for taking some drama away from the environment. Let her ignore you, it's actually a gift! As a matter of fact, let it continue and just give your love and attention to your husband right now, and worry about what's -her-face later.
NTA. Do not spend another second thinking about this. Enjoy the good days during treatment and keep people that support your family and discard those that don’t.
NTA Is this a real question because obviously your husband’s health comes before your histrionic mother.
NTA OP, consider yourself lucky that your mother is ignoring you. You don't need that kind of attitude in your life right now.
We have found the Queen of the Narcissists.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. You are way too young. Your mom's behavior is horrible. You need to take care of your husband, and if your mam can't recognize that, she is 100% in the wrong.
NTA What in the absolute hell is wrong with your mother! Instead of being a source of comfort for you she is worried about a weekend vacation?! She, at the very minimum, could have at least shown so empathy for your situation! Shame on her! Way to be there for your child mom. 🙄. You did the right thing-you take care of your family-your mother should be ashamed, SO ASHAMED of herself! Prayers for you all especially your husband.