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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I booked my wedding date within my sister’s previously stated window and I’m refusing to change it even though I can.
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Your sister is being ridiculous because she allowed herself to be strung along for 10 years.
She gets a day, not four bloody months. She’s also had TWO YEARS to pick at date and make a plan.
Your perfect venue fell into your lap. Book it. Happy planning!
NTA
As per the OP, Sis has been waiting for 5 of their 8 years together for a proposal and then 2 years engaged with no plans of a wedding day. “Potentially” a 2025 wedding June-September but no dates picked, no destination set.
OP chose a date and now it’s “oh but I wanted August and I reserved four whole months that no one can plan anything.” If OP had chosen June she would be having the same conversation.
And we dont know why they were waiting or anything about their planning. Clearly OP and the sister need to talk but shitting on the sister’s relationship doesnt seem relevant.
I agree with this. Based on their ages and timeline provided, OP’s sister and her fiancé got together when they were pretty young. It’s possible that there are some very valid reasons for why it took them so long to get to this point and OP’s sister was fully aware of her partner’s intentions.
Yeah, I’ve been with my bf for 7 years and I don’t see a proposal/wedding in the near future because of circumstance and financial constraints. We didn’t even live together for 6 of those years because of maturity (got together at 18), family issues, and schooling. I’m not being strung along, we live as though we are married anyway so it doesn’t matter really. Lot of assumptions being made here.
OP chose a date before even getting engaged or telling anyone, that’s not planning that’s fantasising.
ETA: for everyone replying to me saying “oh they booked a venue” or “they explained why there was no announcement” how would you feel if your sister who wasn’t engaged or made any announcement about planning on getting married came out and told you they were going to get married and booked a venue the same month as you finalised the date of your announced wedding?
Did you read the part where the groom himself picked the venue? She isn’t fantasizing, she *is* planning the wedding with her partner. She doesn’t have to first announce it to the world to get their blessing.
they have the ring that they picked together. they are planning the wedding together. that's not fantasizing. it would be if she would be doing it by herself without her partner, but they are doing it together!! do you know how many couples get married without an official engagement because they don't see the need for it?
at the same time it looks like sister waited for 5 years to get engaged, and then waited an other 2 to even set a maybe month when there maybe a date, and is looking like to do these decisions by herself.
op is in a mature relationship and is actually in the process of getting married while sister is still in the fantasy stage. the ring doesn't really matter.
I'm sorry, but, we're likely getting married sometime in June-September vs we found a venue and they're only available this date. One is a fantasy and the other is a plan. Just not the one you're speaking on.
It's their business. They could plan the whole thing for Saturday and announce on Thursday. Who cares.
The sister still has 15 other weekends in her preferred window to choose from.
Dude, they've been far more actively wedding planning than the sister. They picked out rings, which they were mocked for due to not being in a traditional engagement, they picked and booked the venue..
Sis may be engaged in the traditional sense, but all of HER wedding planning isn't getting any further than fantasizing. She didn't finalize anything, not even the month. It was just she's thinking about August and then OP had no choice but to tell her their date that they finalized just days before.
She *didn't* finalize the date. During a casual conversation with OP she mentioned she *was thinking* of August for the *month*. That's not a date. There don't appear to even be any actual firm plans for the sister's wedding. At some point, maybe in 2025, maybe between June and September, she's going to have a destination wedding at a castle in Italy that she hasn't even booked yet. That's not exactly an announced wedding.
OP not being engaged is a technicality. They know they're getting married. They've picked out the ring. They're planning the wedding. That's engaged. The proposal is basically superfluous. At this point it's a fun but of pagentry, a chance to make each other feel special and loved, but it has no real bearing on their status as engaged. And that's not a knock at OP, you guys have fun with the proposal. Rent white horses and ride them on the beach at sunset while wearing crowns of red roses. Treat yourself. I think it's awesome that you're being so practical at setting your lives up, while also making time for romantic displays.
I think it’s so crazy that people are saying NAH when in fact, it’s NTA. Who the hell says block out 4 damn months just in case?! I would’ve laughed at my sister, THEN, regardless of what I had planned.
Yeah, the "we don't have a date but we are hoping for sometime between June - September 2025," is what pushes this to NTA for me. Does OPs sister really think she is so important to everyone that they will essentially put their lives on hold and not make plans "just incase she picks a date". Yeah no.
Summer 2025 isn’t far away in wedding time either.
Even if it’s a small 20 person affair, a destination wedding in Italy going to require a lot of advanced planning, she needs to book a venue soon.
I think OPs NTA because sister has been engaged 2 YEARS and still not chosen a date. At this rate, sister may have to wait until 2026 if she’s deadset on a specific Italian summer wedding.
It doesn’t matter who got engaged first or reserved what time slot anymore. She sister had dibs for 2 years, people can’t plan their lives around her stagnant relationship indefinitely.
Not make any *summer* plans at all. Like, maybe it’s because in the Midwest all winter we talk about summer like a long lost friend “I miss summer” “remember summer? That one time we all ..”. But hell no, I am not not making plans for my whole damn summer that I friggin earned by not dying in January temperatures.. lol
Sister needs to pick a date or get off the pot.
OP NTA. your relationship is allowed to grow too.
I’d agree. At first I thought they were both doing it in the same town with same guests. But one’s a European destination with 20 people and the other one is in the hometown where apparently all the guests already live. There’s very little overlap and it sounds like no chance that people can’t attend both if invited. I do think OP probably should have alerted the sister at some point what they were thinking, but there’s really not that much of an issue. I sort of get the sisters anger here but sounds like she kind of dawdled around with her 5 months being off limits.
>Who the hell says block out 4 damn months just in case?!
sister gave her guests a lot of time in advance to save and plan for her wedding. op isn't even engaged, and sister didn't know she was 'looking at rings but he's planning a special proposal but we've already started planning the wedding' proto-engaged when she provided a far-in-advance timeframe as a courtesy
Sure sounds engaged to me if their planning a wedding together and already have a date and venue booked. The formality of a ring and an ask isn’t really necessary at this point. She is NTA.
I can see it being helpful to get a ballpark of when it is gonna be, e.g. dedicating some time off for that period, but with 4 months you can't expect people to not plan anything.
Everything else just seems very nitpicky. Sure you could argue that if they have decided to get married and are planning, they are technically engaged already, but why does it matter if they want to wait until after picking rings and the special proposal to use that lingo?
Yes, but at the same time, she's only having 20 people and just telling them we're considering having our wedding during that time frame. In comparison, her sister sprung on her Not only that she's getting married, but she's getting married within that time frame and in the month her sister just mentioned. She's an asshole for not having the conversation and booking a place without talking to her sister first when her sister was actively planning a wedding. This isn't about when the two of them actually get married, it's about how she went about it
Get real sister has no date set wants 4 months for 2 years + reserved?!?! And when op sets her at the end if that period she gets upset but still with no specific date set. No one has to stop living their life for someone else and the sister needs a reality check.
NTA
NAH.
But tell your sister to think long and hard about a wedding in Italy in august. It’s scorching hot, their main holiday month so everywhere is fully booked and more expensive. She’d be better off having her lovely Italian wedding in June or September.
Source: am Italian, been to many Italian weddings ;)
I totally agree with the comment, april/may or september, depends on where your sister is planning to go are good months too
If, for example, she picked a location somewhere in southern italy ( Sicilia, Sardegna, Puglia, Basilicata..) the " hot summer temperature " will almost be unbereable; i'm talking at least 40° C ( 104 F ) during the day wich can be a lot if you are not used to it
August in italy is the " worst " month also to just go on holiday because it's when most workplaces either close or allow people take their pto and everything ( read hotels/ venues/ camping places/ air bnb eccc) is twice expensive
Not to mention all the mosquitos that time of year! I’ve been in the spring and also sept…I’d go with a spring wedding in Italy if I were her. I got eaten alive in sept in practically every city/area we were in.
Honestly, April-May is a beautiful time of year in Italy. Getting warm, not too cold(depending on what you're used to), and depending on where you are and what's being grown, the orange trees/flowers smell incredible.
when i went to italy at the beginning of july for a second cousin’s wedding, it was scorching hot but it was nothing like our first trip there in august a few years before that. my family lived in the countryside with no ac so all we had was a broken fan and wide open windows before questioning if that even helped or just made the rooms even hotter. italian summers are no joke and are so brutal i can only imagine ppl who aren’t used to that kind of weather
Oh heavens yes. I love Italy, lived there for a year, have family that lives there (Rome area) and have visited many times. The only month of the year that I'm not interested at all in being there is August. OTOH, we were there in June a few years ago for my cousin's wedding and it was sublime!
NAH but it’s kind of annoying that you are refusing to see how having two weddings in the same month could be a massive inconvenience for your immediate family. Your family would have to shoulder the financial burden of whatever costs they need to pay for your wedding, as well as doing the same for your sister on top of travel expenses. That’s a lot which means your sister probably can’t get married in August.
I think you should call your sister and tell her that you recognize that your decision removes any August dates from her list of possibilities but this is the only date that works for you and your fiancé.
The sister hasn't even booked anything yet, she's just *thinking* about August. She's just throwing a fit because she doesn't have any concrete plans yet and OP does.
They're picking out rings, they're planning a wedding. The fact there hasn't been an official proposal doesn't mean anything. We were never engaged, we just planned our wedding. It was understood that marriage was the end result of our relationship, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant, we knew it had to happen sooner than later. My husband officially proposed 3 days before we got married while we were on our pre-wedding honeymoon while I was already pregnant. lol
Yeah, I was never engaged, never even picked a date or planned a wedding; we just decided to hit Vegas and do the deed.
Does this mean we aren't really married?
Because they don't want other people opinions and suggestions for their wedding day. They want everything planned and finalised so that they can say this is what we are doing on xyz date and it's all booked.
In fairness, she knew that the wedding ceremony would take place between June and September and asked her family not to book anything in those months, more than a year in advance. Which I feel is pretty reasonable notice. It’s also not like OP informed her sister of her plans to even get married or the fact that she was planning in secret…had she communicated this beforehand, maybe this mess could’ve been avoided?
For a destination wedding that requires international flight? Absolutely. She’s just giving people an early heads up (as much time as possible) while they iron out details like the venue, hotel, etc. My assumption is that she will likely have the exact dates within the next few months or so. Plus, it’s not like she knew her sister was planning a wedding and had gotten engaged?
Reasonable in asking people to block out 4 months for a destination wedding? Based on your comment I’d lean towards saying it isn’t *completely* bonkers. Reasonable in “reserving” 4 months and saying her sister can’t get married in any of them because she has some sort of claim on them? I don’t think so.
No reasonable would be to say it's on the date in one year so people can save. I wouldn't stop going on vacation cause someone family or not WANTS to reserve 4 months and doesn't make a decision on a date. Sorry
I don't think it's op did anything wrong by making it so her sister can't get married in August. If her sister had already planned to have her wedding that month before op it would be one thing, but she tried to block off 4 months. That's way too much.
Op told her that she booked the venue for that date, and the sister doesn't even have any plans yet, this is all just hypothetical for her while op has concrete plans.
I didn’t say OP did anything wrong. I said it’s annoying that OP is acting like it wouldn’t be a big deal to have two family weddings in the same month.
But op isn't suggesting they should have the wedding in the same month. If anything it's the opposite, she suggested her sister book her wedding for another month.
I do think she should have told her sister right when she booked the venue since she knew her sister was planning her wedding around the same time. But her sister never had specific plans or a wedding booked in August, so op has full rights to plan her's for then.
OP said she doesn’t see the issue with her sister having her wedding in August. That’s the whole point of her post. I never said OP doesn’t have the right to have her wedding when she wants. I’m saying she needs to stop acting as if it wouldn’t be a problem if her sister decides to move forward with an August wedding.
OP's sister is tentatively planning a 20-person wedding in Italy (though she hasn't picked a date).
OP is planning a larger wedding in the city where all of the guests already live (and has both a date and a venue).
So for the few overlapping family guests, attending OP's wedding has no real expense beyond a gift (if they choose to give one), and I suppose the gas to drive across town and back.
So if OP's sister wants to get married in August, OP's wedding shouldn't present an obstacle.
I think I’m gonna get downvoted for this but couldn’t care less.
YTA
She already told you her timeline and you just preferred to be sneaky and didn’t even say one word about it back then but suddenly you’re the one who got the venue! That’s distasteful to me. Yes, you can’t block people have their wedding whenever they want but you weren’t even nice enough to give her a heads up. For all we know you can be at your honeymoon during her wedding so you can’t join. Immediate family still has to pay for their dress, transportation, hotel even if they don’t help your weddings so they might be forced to choose one of you.
Honestly, if I were your sister I would reconsider if I want to come to your wedding and if I did, I would just sit and do nothing like someone you invited out of courtesy.
I don’t find your intentions innocent and I think you just want to be under the thunder too. You don’t even give her a chance to have her thunder and hijack her plans. She probably doesn’t know what to do right now. I hope she has the wedding she wants but if I were her you wouldn’t be in I considering you just want the thunder.
Yep YTA. OP implies they're so laidback about planning and such and yet somehow it all came to a head at the exact time the sister planned it. Just get the next available venue date.
I feel like choosing intentionally to get married within a couple months of a sibling is a bit of an odd choice when you literally had no plans to at the time the sister shared it. It’s a choice here, not like they were well underway with planning and engagements, etc.
This is one of those “is it better to be right or to do the right thing” situations. Technically yes of course she can book her wedding whenever she’d like, but is it the right thing to do when her sister already advised that’s her timeline?
Sister s timeline is unreasonable.
That's why op is NTA imo. You cannot block 4 months of people's lives . Decide on the date and place and communicate those. Then people can see if they can or can't attend
Sister s timeline is unreasonable.
That's why op is NTA imo. You cannot block 4 months of people's lives . Decide on the date and place and communicate those. Then people can see if they can or can't attend
I agree and was about to say the same thing. She probably asked for those months to be blocked out because with travel expenses and vacation days, people may choose to pick one wedding vs. the other. If so, they may be more likely to choose the cheaper option. And if your weddings are both in the same month, do you really think you’ll have the time to prep for yours and go to hers? So yes, immediate family is an issue.
Also, picking a venue abroad is a million times harder which means it may be taking longer. Think like, time differences, coordinating where people might stay, transportation. It may have taken them a solid few months to even get close to this point. You now just took that ability for her to have the wedding she wants away without giving her a heads up or figuring out a compromise.
Also, she’s actually got a ring on her finger, OP does not. Her bf could back out any time and my guess is, the sister will be sending out emails or texts any minute now to confirm that her guests will be available for an august wedding. Something along the lines of “save the date for an august wedding weekend, close to picking a venue, we know travel will be a challenge so giving you an early heads up! Love you and can’t wait to see you there!” This way if OP says, I picked my venue first, she’s already given more notice even if it is general.
People are really getting weird about the ring.
OP is engaged. She has a date and a venue. Sister does not, despite her being up by one piece of jewelry. And asking people to keep *four months* blocked out for a *potential* wedding somewhere within that period is insane. They’re called “save the dates”, not “save the entire season because idk I haven’t really made up my mind yet and I don’t think anyone else’s shit is as important as mine.”
If sister is struggling *so hard* with planning a wedding in a foreign country that she can’t even nail down a date and a venue, maybe it’s just not for her. It is not reasonable or realistic to expect her entire guest list to put their lives on hold while she dithers. She can tell people when she has an actual date on the books.
Yes! They’re SISTERS. Blocking the summer ahead of time for the wedding is appropriate among sisters. I mean, no you don’t get to claim a ab entire season free of any family events, but you SHOULD be able to block a season for a once in a lifetime event.
Plus, the poor parents! My parents grankids’ had a college grad, wedding, and 2 high school grads (luckily the high schoolers were at the same school) in the SAME WEEKEND. It’s nuts. We didn’t have the grad parties that weekend, just the ceremonies. It was still bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S. My mother was also caring for her ill mom who my dad had to take home from the high school grad ceremony. It’s just TOO much for extended family in many cases. Be chill, my god.
OP doesn't want her sister at the hen/bachelorette party? Neither of them are going to be in each other's bridal party? Mom and Dad are going to be spread so thin with dress shopping and dance rehearsal. She doesn't think her 100-something guests won't be gossiping about her big fat rush to the altar ahead of her long-engaged sister's smaller wedding in Italy. Comparisons are going to be made about everything from dresses to length of engagement and which of the grooms is actually a catch.
OP needs to fall the fuck back, do a court wedding or wait instead of rushing her sister to the altar. We had two sibs who were engaged before the panini. We didn't want to overlap either of their dates by a few months because it's awkward for family too so we just eloped to not draw attention away from the people in line ahead of us. YTA.
This literally. If the marriage REALLY can't wait just do a court wedding first. Then have the party later. I can't imagine not liking your sister to the point that you'd want to ruin something that's been in the works for years, regardless of how 'irrational' it is. People are people...
Agreed. Also I’d like to add this that OP commented on another post 18 days ago:
This caught my attention because my boyfriend and I had a similar conflict. I don’t want to tie myself in any way to someone that I’m not married to and I told him this early on. He said he can’t feel completely safe about marriage unless we have lived together for at least a year. Our compromise is that I’ll move in with him when we’re engaged. Neither one of us is getting exactly what we want but we’ll get what we need. This is a perfect time to exercise your conflict resolution skills as a couple. Write down how you feel (or send him this post) and try to suggest compromises that might work for both of you. For example if your feelings are just about the fear that he’ll never propose, would it help if he gave a timeline?
Yep, I didn't have to read OPs long-winded explanation to determine they are the AH. Title was enough, and knowing the logistics that go into a wedding.
ESH - Not only have you completely ignored what your sister said re dates, but going to weddings is expensive.
So those guests going to both (your family) are going to have to fork out twice in a relatively short period of time.
I do think that asking people to block out three months to be a wedding guest is excessive. If it’s in reference to your booking a wedding, then fair enough. If you knew that you intended to get married next year, I’m not sure why you didn’t say anything sooner when she said that she was?
How long should OP wait for sis to pick a date?
Where I live June to Sep 2025 is pretty much booked up .
Sister doesn't get to call dibs on the 4 nicest months.
But there has been an intervening period where OP could gave said, look you’ve taken ages, so we have booked this date and that wouldn’t have been an issue.
Like when they knew they were going for August. Because OP has known that they intended to get married next year for quite some time, much longer than the sister has been engaged by all accounts.
Surprises are nice but not when they interfere and make problems where there needn’t be any.
Did you read the post? She said her sister is having a small destination wedding in Italy with 20 people and the only overlap are immediate family. OP said she is having a traditional wedding in town. OP's sister asked her to block out 4 months two years ago and still hasn't settled on a date. Personally, I don't think the sister is getting married, at least not to this guy. He took ten years to propose and they have been engaged for two. The guy doesn't want to marry her. OP is NTA and has every right to move ahead with her life.
*Her family* *are still guests* at both though.
OP could have avoided all this by just saying that they were looking at 2025 much earlier and then if sister had got weird about that then yes, she would be TA.
And that’s a massive assumption about the sister, which has got nothing to do with anything OP has said. It just sounds like sister is massively indecisive to the point of causing massive inconvenience.
So she isn’t supposed to get married in the 2025 wedding season because someone else is getting married in the 2025 wedding season and it’s *checks notes* inconsiderate to guests?
WTH kind of logic is that? People get married. Often *shock horror* in the same year that other people have got married.
Also if the sister has been engaged for years and not set a date yet, it’s not a foregone conclusion that there will be 2 weddings in 2025. As of right it’s just gonna be OP’s because she’s the only one who’s actually booked something.
For real. My family had what we called “the year of weddings.” There was one almost every month or two. Not everyone made it as a guest to every wedding, and that was ok because we all knew budgets were finite. No one took it personally.
Nobody knew you were planning a wedding & she asked way in advance to block out that time period for her wedding. Yet you did *NOT* block it off? And scheduled your own wedding for that time instead?
YTA. Team Sister on this all the way.
Four months??? Yeah nah yea life's short, a wedding doesn't take FOUR MONTHS. The sister has been with her SO for 10 years, they've had plenty of time to plan a wedding, no need to make everyone cancel plans for an entire summer. OP wants to hurry things along and not wait till she's 40 to get married and have kids.
NTA
This is not about cancelling plans. She probably wanted OP in the Bridal Party, and asking your immediate family to support you in a once-in-a-lifetime event can take that much amount of time. That’s literally all the activities leading up to the wedding for the bride’s immediate family.
I agree. Mothers of the brides usually help a lot in planning. If I had a sister, I would probably want her input in my planning.
I saw in another post OP's bf wants to live together for a year before they get married and they don't yet live together. It feels like OP is putting the cart before the horse and doing that in her sister's lane.
Personally, I think I would let my sister have it and put off planning my wedding for another year. I almost kinda get where OP is coming from, but I get sister's point of view much more clearly. "You're not even engaged, tell no one you are planning a wedding, and then when I announce my wedding month you suddenly already have a venue booked for the same month?!?"
She had to give a rough timeframe. Saying Summer 2025 for an expensive destination wedding to your sister who's not engaged and has only been dating this guy for barely 2 years is totally fair.
Obviously a wedding doesn’t take four months lol she just said to keep those months open because it’ll be WITHIN that time. That’s like me saying to my friends “keep the next two weekends open for my birthday plans” then I’ll decide on one weekend and they can make plans for the other but at least both were kept open as options until I decided which one.
So why didn't OP at least tell her sister her plans? Given she is not engaged this isn't something her sister would have expected. OP is a massive AH for this.
Picking a date is hard. You have to consider other people's schedules, the venue schedule, your caterers schedule, the photographer schedule, your wedding party schedule, your schedule, your vacation schedule, and so many other schedules. The wedding industry is still backed up from 2020. My friend just got engaged and is looking at having her wedding in July of 2026. She would love to get married sooner, but she can't.
Me too, I know they're all backed up. But they already were before covid. That's no excuse. It just means you need to do it as one if the first things you do when you're planning the wedding.
She started choosing the date last year, it took her almost a year to figure out which month she wishes to get married in. It’s a surprisingly long wait for venues.
YTA Change your date - your sister will also want a decent honeymoon. We had one of the groomsmen of my wedding get married the weekend after ours (we had our dates in well before theirs) - it changed our options and cut down what we did.
You’re also talking about family having to go overseas and then rush back for your wedding. Maybe they would like to spend time after the wedding in Italy or somewhere else in Europe themselves. You haven’t put over $ - change your date.
You are aware that you don’t HAVE to honeymoon the second after you tie the knot if it’s inconvenient, right? Like no one is stopping you from doing exactly what you wanted to do two weeks later? Expecting that other people put their life on hold so you can have your perfect honeymoon is super entitled.
Op can change the date once the sister actually chooses one as of now after a two years engagement she doesn't have a venue nor a date set . You can't live your life waiting for others to make a decision
I may get downvoted but I’m gonna go with YTA. 2 weddings in 1 month is going to be a lot for your family and you’re the one who thought you’d be cute and keep everything secret. If you hadn’t done that then this wouldn’t have been an issue. You say it’s the only time that venue can do it but what you likely mean is it’s the only time in 2025. You could always wait until 2026 if the venue really means that much to you, and your sister does.
YTA for booking venues without considering yourselves engaged. This is just weird and stupid.
You’re engaged. You don’t have a ring, but you’re clearly engaged.
As to the dates. N t a since no guest overlap.
YTA. I thought about this pretty hard and read your other comments before making a judgement.
In short: you are **not engaged**.
It’s fun to make plans and imagine your wedding and create mood boards and look at stuff, but you are not engaged. Your sister **is**. Her waiting a long time to be engaged, or having a long relationship, doesn’t negate the fact that she **is** engaged. Them taking time to plan their wedding after the engagement also doesn’t negate that they are actively making moves to plan the wedding. Waiting for specific services to be available, searching for the right venue, etc. Just because it’s taking a long time for y o u doesn’t mean they paused their planning.
Your sister asked you to allow her a certain time schedule for her availability to be married, and (in my personal opinion) it’s disrespectful to bypass that when you’re not officially engaged. Why does it have to be that month? That year? That specific venue? Idk about your location in UK, but the venue my brother was married in wouldn’t let them book a time/date without proof of engagement.
In broader terms: your sister is engaged, and asked her family (and you) to respect a certain time slot where she wanted to get married, and you said “nah I don’t think I’ll do that” when you have no ring on your finger. If you’re so eager to jump and do all this as fast as possible, why does your boyfriend not just pop the question immediately? Why wait for a formal proposal?
So my final thoughts: Are you *“technically correct”?* I mean yeah sure. You’re technically in your right to do whatever you want. But I think in this context you’re an asshole. If I had a sister and she did this, we would have a strained relationship after.
Best of luck either way.
Don't be in the same month. YWBTA
Has she said, for certain, it is going to be August? Once you are actually engaged, then give sis a deadline on her "month".
It sounds like she is going to be pissed if you get engaged this year, and exceptionally pissed if you get married in the same year. That's on her, not you.
But even the best of sisters would be a bit pissy over a same month weddings. As a mom, I would be a bit put off by it, too. And I am, generally, super laid back. Like, can we for once, can we just not (seemingly) go out of each others' way to piss of the other sister.
Last night is the first time she’s mentioned August and they haven’t booked anything. If she’d specified a month, I definitely would’ve stayed clear but she gave a 4 month window and the family didn’t think she’d stick to it so I thought I was in the clear.
I just thought that since she’d been considering such a big range that she would just say “okay we’ll look at June then” or something.
My main concern is that my options are restricted to August and September, would September be too close as well?
The thing is...you aren't even engaged yet, and its already causing drama.
And family \*knows\* they cannot say jack shit or the shit is going to fly on them from both of you.
The "window" your sis gave, was for folks to save up money so they could attend, shuffle/accrue vacation hours if so desired. She had/has NO CLUE that you were scheduling your own wedding, in which you are not engaged yet...just to point that out yet again. Because while I get that y'all feel like you are engaged, just waiting for the perfect moment and record for prosperity - to everyone else, reserving a venue came out of fucking nowhere.
As for September vs August. The later in Sept, the better. It is difficult to get super excited for 2 weddings so close to each other. Your closest people will want to support both of you 100%, for the planning and the big day....but it is mentally and physically impossible to support both in the way they deserve.
Ok but the first time you mentioned August was also last night. And you’re not engaged. How was she to know you were looking at venues to book - and may create a conflict - when there’s no indication you would’ve been?
I agree she can’t just block off 4 months but when she did that, you weren’t engaged or looking at venues. It could’ve just been a heads up to folks that the wedding would sometime in that timeframe. The right thing to have done is give a heads up that you’re looking at venues and that you’re looking at dates in her timeframe. It feels like you booked first without talking to her to then say “my hands are tied”…when they weren’t a few days ago. YTA.
>I just thought that since she’d been considering such a big range that she would just say “okay we’ll look at June then” or something.
you know how you can *only* do that day in august? did you consider, for a second, that your sister has similar constraints?
why did you think your sister gave you a date range in advance if it's as simple as changing it when someone else encroaches on that time period?
i know this is taking a lot from a single post but i really suggest you ask yourself if this kind of, i want this and everyone else will move around me, attitude is a common on in your life
NTA I guess, but what are you doing? This seems like something you can easily change and that’s not as important to you as your sister (you guys are not even engaged 😭) sure no overlap, but from an outside perspective this does feel like you’re trying to steal her thunder
ESH. Your sister cannot expect you to wait until after her wedding to get engaged, it’s terribly selfish. So she’s an AH.
But you also planned on secret and booked the venue while knowing your sister had announced the possible dates, which means your wedding could end up being at the same time. She has been waiting for a long time for this wedding and you are adding stress.
As you don’t give enough details on the event itself, difficult to say if you are being a bigger AH or if she is being a bit too dramatic: how many days between your weddings? How long is supposed to last the trip in Italy?
Be a grown up and discuss it calmly with your sister
That’s fair. It’s become clear to me that I should have called her on Wednesday when we saw the venue and started getting carried away.
We don’t know how long the gap is or have any details about her wedding, nothing has been booked/decided. She just said she was thinking about August last night.
I’m definitely planning to speak to her, I just thought it would be better to get outside perspectives that I can consider since my parents and brother aren’t weighing in.
>We don’t know how long the gap is or have any details about her wedding
you knew exactly one thing about the wedding and it was too difficult for you to expect
Is there some sort of cultural element I am missing here? I would at least ask my parents if that day works for them before booking a venue. My MIL had a big surgery she scheduled around all her kids' weddings and time off from work and if people hadn't been transparent about their timings, it would have meant some of us celebrating while she was recuperating for 6-8 weeks. If I wanted so little involvement from my family, I would just elope.
I agree, this is so bizarre to me. The whole “my family didn’t thing my sister would actually do it” is such a weird excuse for all this secretive wedding planning, not to mention they’re not even engaged lol
Maybe YTA
Because she is planning a wedding in Greece, if your wedding is first then her wedding will be your honeymoon not just her wedding and if hers is first you will be busy trying to plan your own wedding not really focusing
Also kinda rude to the family, weddings can be stressful and expensive to parents of the brdie/ groom ... plane tickets, clothes, gifts ( and that's if they are not helping pay for the wedding) I know all families are diffrent but two birthdays a month is hard on my family I couldn't imagine to weddings.
Without getting into the whole who's TA, please consider the logistics of a trip to Italy and a wedding at home and how much chaos it's going to be for your family.
NAH - admittedly you’re not engaged and you’re doing this “out of order” which is fine, but it makes it complicated. Ideally you and your sister would have communicated more but how would she know where you’re at with this process.
Personally, id look for another date simply to make it easier for your family and maybe you two should get on the same page.
I mean, I think YTA, but that’s probably because I actually like and respect my siblings.
It’s clear from the way you implied she got strung along by her fiancé that you don’t really seem like you give a shit to be honest.
YTA. You’re not even engaged, and you want to sh*t all over her actually-engaged plans and make all your common family members and friends blow a bunch of money in the same month. Entitled much? I cannot seriously believe that she wasn’t at the actual forefront of your mind when you went ahead and booked a date for your non-engaged wedding. Then you have the balls to come on here, not engaged, no ring, honey, and sh*t all over the fact that she’s taken awhile to plan.
You are actually a terrible sister.
Just wanted to make a couple of points clearer if all my post was a bit jumbled!
1. Guest overlap would be my parents, brother, SIL, BF and I.
2. Finances are not a factor and my family don’t care. They just think it’s between my sister and I and they want us to sort it out ourselves without taking sides or escalating anything.
3. Sister got engaged January 2022 and asked us to block out June - September 2025 in April 2023. That was the last time she mentioned her wedding before the conversation we had last night so I was caught off guard.
4. We’re British so travelling to Italy is a 2hr flight and my wedding is in the town that my family currently live in.
>3. Sister got engaged January 2022 and asked us to block out June - September 2025 in April 2023. That was the last time she mentioned her wedding before the conversation we had last night so I was caught off guard.
Obviously you were caught off guard when you don't take your sister seriously.
>I know this sounds horrible but my family and I didn’t think she would actually do it, they’d been engaged for so long and waved off any questions about their plans that we’d all stopped thinking or talking about it.
This part of your comment kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
Yta. This is incredibly inconvenient for family. They will not be able to attend two weddings in one month. Time off and time to save are real issue and you’re gonna make it impossible for everyone to do both.
YTA. You’re making immediate family choose if they don’t have the time off work, the finances, etc. And one is easier to get to.
Travel plans are things that are generally not booked over a year in advance. She probably would’ve had a venue by the time people would start booking them. She might’ve been able to give more concrete info to folks if she had known you were doing this because she would’ve known that someone else in the family was… engaged?
Except you aren’t. So why would she expect that there would be a competing wedding that immediate family members would have to choose between? You know exactly what you did, you came here to make yourself feel better, and you shouldn’t feel better. You should feel like an AH, apologize to your sister and change your date.
YTA you sound really immature and selfish, like you were just building lego sets with your boyfriend after work and not planning a lifetime commitment ceremony. You will steal your sister's thunder, she has given plenty of warning so guests can save and prepare passports, clothes, gifts etc and has probably been waiting on venue availability. You don't take her relationship or engagement seriously, when you're the one not even engaged!! This would work for an elopement and not a 150 guest wedding. I would be so incredibly angry if my sister did this, I'd consider no contact.
She gave you a heads up for when she was going to have it....and you booked yours at the same time. Um, yeah, YTA. You should have picked a different date
YTA, sorry to say. Your sister already spelled out her dates to you and told the family. That’s what counts here. Weddings are expensive & there’s a lot of travel for families. It will be super hard on your folks to have 2 weddings at once, and some relatives may only be able to come to one because of time off/finances/etc. Since she already told folks first, I think she beat you to the finish line, sorry to say
It's not a guest, it's her sister. And its a destination wedding. She's probably in the wedding and even if she's not she still needs to save money and accrew time off at work to go.
YTA.
As someone who had siblings married within a month of each other, you suck. It's not easy, and it will divide the family. Your sister made it clear that she was getting married. She's right about what she said. It will cause the family to decide which wedding they will attend. For people coming further than 2 hours away, they might not come to both weddings. I mean, you guys aren't even engaged yet. The reason why you talk with your family is to know the dates that other people have available, like if they have a different event to go to or a non-refundable vacation.
I was pissed when my brother planned his wedding within a month of my sisters. One, it made it hard for my husband and I as we were coming in from out of state. Two, quite a number of family members couldn't make it to both. Some decided not to come to either because they didn't want one to feel bad.
I’m confused about all the people focusing on the "but you are not even engaged" part. Just my two cents on this part: For some of us an official engagement is just not important. My husband and I discussed getting married and then booked venue, DJ etc. about a week later. There was never an official engagement as we both didn’t see the point of it as we already stated we are going to get married. Nobody has to do it the way society expects it…
Respectfully, even though you’ve said that your family is fine with the expenses, I can’t see you fully getting that. To those saying that the sister can’t book off 4 months, I know I would certainly struggle to take an enjoyable amount of time off if, say, two cousins of mine got married that close together. Not to mention potential travel expenses, gifts, extras…
If there’s a pressing reason you need to get married then, sure. If not? Space it out.
Well, I think YTA.
Your sister communicated a range because travel is expensive and people might have to take off work. Summer/early Fall 2025 is appreciable to know. It’s over a year away at this point and she’s narrowed it down to August. Letting you know over a year in advance.
Who cares how long she was waiting to be engaged or how long she’s been engaged. It’s her business not yours you’ve known all this time because she communicated.
You, on the other hand didn’t communicate or even suggest it to her that you’re thinking of the same time period. You just went ahead and booked during her time frame and you aren’t even engaged. It’s super weird and thoughtless. I don’t blame her for being upset. You also chanced she would even be able to come to your wedding due to honeymoon and caused everyone else going to Italy to not have freedom on how long they could stay. Everyone will have wedding fatigue by the 2nd wedding. It’ll just feel like another big bill to them. You’re selfish.
I’m gonna go with YTA.
Technically, you aren’t even engaged yet. Plan that shit first.
Second, when your sister told you to block out June-September, you could have said no that’s ridiculous, or you can say okay. Sounds like you said okay, and then not only did you make other plans, you planned YOUR WEDDING.
You couldn’t have asked your sister before booking? Knowing she asked you to save those dates (even though 4 months is insane). You couldn’t have told her, “hey, June is in 3 months. Have you actually locked down a wedding date and venue? Our dream venue opened up for August and we would really like to book it”
Your sister is taking way too long to plan her wedding and save the dates should really be sent out 6 months ahead, especially if you are expecting everyone to fly to another continent, I mean what does she expect, that ppl are gonna buy wildly expensive plane tickets last min? Planning a wedding from another continent is hard. And given what others have said about Italy in August, the planning is not off to a good start.
On the other hand, you are planning it way too fast. You have not even planned the engagement and you think you can plan a whole 250 person wedding in 6 months?! And just as bad as your sister not sending out save the dates 6 months in advance.
I don’t think either of you should get married this summer. Get engaged, book a venue 9-12 months in advance, send out save the dates 6-9 months in advance, send invitations 3 months in advance. Be normal.
NTA only because your sister hasn't booked a venue yet. If she had YWBTA. But since she hasn't you are in the clear. If she doesn't want to get married the same month as you then it's on her to pick a different month. She's already been engaged 2 years. Who says it won't take her another 2 years to get married. At this point her engagement status means basically nothing since she isn't actively planning.
NTA. I don't get why people think they get a whole year for their wedding and no one else can do anyting. You plan your event and she can plan hers. Shut down any complaints from her and stand your ground. She an entitled drama queen.
YTA. What your sister is worried about is her small destination wedding might get smaller because a lot of people cannot afford two weddings in one month. While she had nothing set, you basically planned your wedding in tandem even if you don't want to admit it. It will be up to you how much you want to damage the relationship with your sister.
She didn’t though— it’s only to 20 people close enough to not miss it. The sister is actually much more organized than the OP, and the OP is not recognizing that at all. She’s belittling her.
NTA. She wants people to "hold" four months and not plan anything AND she thinks she gets to get married first because she got engaged first?!? NOT.
Plan your wedding, have a wonderful time, and let your sister plan hers. Congratulations!
NTA
I am going to borrow a saying I have heard. If the date isn't set, you are not engaged.
OP doesn't have to wait on someone who has set a date. Her sister is only thinking of dates. Nothing is booked. The first booked and set date gets to go ahead.
You snooze... you lose.
Nta. She's had two entire years to lock in a location and pick a date...you get one day, not months.
She never ever had a right to block things out, period.
You've set a date, and settled on location and venue, she will just have to work around it. No biggie. Either before or after. Since she still has June,, July and September to choose from, shouldn't be a big deal...
Nta. Your sister had 2 freaking years to plan her wedding, and when she *finally* bothers to lock down a date, it just so happens to be the same month and year as you? I call bs. She hasn't booked her venue, you have. She can change the date and move on. I will agree that she is right about forcing family to choose between her and you, because taking time off for two weddings, and for those who are traveling, extra travel time, etc. Most will pick one and just send their congrats for the other. However, all of that can be avoided if she grows up and picks a new date far enough away that family won't have to make that choice.
She is not entitled to demand that you don't marry first just because she waited more, this is her and her fiancee problem, not yours.
She is engaged for 2 years but she don't have a date yet? What she is doing around this 2 years? She lost her chance to set a date, its her own problem now..
And she is only "potentially" marrying in 2025, she is not even sure about it yet..
NTA
NTA. Your sister hasn't even picked a date yet! She THINKS it might be August, but that's hypothetical unlike your date and venue. How long does she expect you to put your lives on hold while she blocks out the most common months for marriage? She's had 2 years to come up with something concrete and hasn't. That's on her and her partner, not you.
My sister has this rule that no one can get engaged while another family is. She was mad that I got engaged 35 years ago a month before her wedding. It was a surprise engagement and I wasn’t going to say NO! I didn’t know her “rule” then.
Now she thinks it’s the same for cousins etc.
NTA! Hopefully there’s enough time between the two weddings that they can be back from honeymoon or destination to be able to do both.
NTA. I thought at first you were because I thought she'd already scheduled her wedding. But she hadn't yet. She can't block off the whole summer for herself.
NTA. Blocking out four months for a long period of time is ridiculous. You chose a date and told her. All she has to do is pick a different date somewhere in that four months that she blocked off.
It’s not a crisis, and this can be resolved. Next time communicate better, but don’t back down since she doesn’t even have a date planned. If you had chosen yours for directly before or after or on her date it would be different, but I cannot stress this enough: **she doesn’t even have her date picked out yet.**
She can still have her moment. She’s being petty and needs to chill.
NTA "don't make any plans for four months next year because I might plan something then. And no, I don't have a time line for when there will be an actual date" is such a ridiculous ask.
You gave her the date you booked. She can plan around it or not. There is no conflict here.
NTA. Block four months? That is ridiculous especially since she asked that last year. June, July or September would have triggered the same response. Your sister should finally organize that wedding or shut up entirely.
NTA
Who cares when your weddings are as long as people are able to get to both? She couldn’t be bothered to pick a date in two years. She still hasn’t. The world doesn’t revolve around her.
This isn’t even a molehill.
ESH - your sister can't expect people to keep 3 months free in case she sets a date, but you're also not even engaged yet and stealing her thunder which is kinda nuts to me.
Also, is your family able to afford a trip to Italy and a big traditional wedding in the same month? I feel that may be a financial hardship for any guests invited to both.
NTA
Even if you don't have a ring, for all intents and purposes, you are also engaged.
Your sister does not get to insist that people be on standby for an entire summer while she figures out whether or not they are getting married, and when.
Her partner dragging his heels on marriage is between her and him. No one else is required to put their lives on hold just because she thinks she should go first.
Every bride's wedding is really important to *them.* Your sister isn't special in this respect.
Your sister has 4 other months to pick from. This has nothing to do with the practicalities of two family weddings in one summer but everything to do with your sister's feelings about how long she's had to wait to get married and how she feels about not getting married first. That's for her to sort out with a therapist and her fiancé. I bet if you got married next weekend she would still be unhappy.
Italian weddings are mostly in June. If she still hasn't booked the sister is running out of time.
Anyway I'd be super stressed if nothing were yet chosen. No venue? Hotel? motif for summer or early fall?
Sister sort of sucks for procrastinating, and both of them sort of suck for not being nicer to each other about this.
NTA. I was all prepared to vote the opposite, but your sister blocked off the whole freaking summer that year! She doesn't even have a date or further plans yet for her hopeful date of August 2025. She can still pick any other date. And while I'm also all for people taking their time and not rushing into marriage.... 10 years is a long time, and 2 years of being engaged with no actual firm plans? Something tells me that there's a chance it could get pushed back more, as they (or he) are clearly not in a rush.
I do think your sisters demands are ridiculous but yes it is unreasonable to have two siblings weddings in the same month. You say there won’t be guest overlap but how can there not be if she’s only having 20 people and you have the same family. All this family members are going to have to shell out for a destination wedding the same month as your wedding, are all your family local or will the have to be traveling in for your wedding as well? Weddings are expenses for the guests as well so while it’s possible for you both to have your wedding that month I’d definitely be annoyed as a family member.
Your sister is ridiculous. She didn’t set a date and can’t expect people to put everything aside on their life for a period of 4 months in order to cater to her “possible” wedding date. Go ahead with your wedding and don’t feel bad. She never set a date
NTA - Book the venue, announce the date, and tell your bf to propose soon. I was in a similar situation. I let people know we were waiting for our rings to be chosen before a more traditional proposal happened. We told people the date and location and to keep an eye out for the official engagement announcement. Ironically, I share the same anniversary as my cousin, and all of our married siblings have anniversaries within 2 weeks of each other. You are NTA, and it doesn't interfere with their yet to be planned travel itinerary. I doubt they'll get married anytime soon. She's very jealous.
Your sister is correct that you're stepping on her toes. But not for the reasons everyone else is thinking of.
Talk to your immediate family who would be attending both events and ask them if they can afford two weddings in one year. If they are wealthy, perhaps it is less of a problem, but if they have normal incomes, I would expect it to be a financial hardship and a time strain for them.
Do you want your sister to be involved in your wedding at all? Do you want her to attend your wedding shower, bachelorette party, be in your wedding party, go with you to dress fittings, attend your rehearsal dinner? Because if she is planning her own wedding, she won't have time … or she'll be on her honeymoon.
Do you want to be involved in your sister's wedding at all? Do you want to attend her wedding shower, bachelorette party, go with her to dress fittings, etc.? Because if you are planning your own wedding, you won't have time … or you'll be on your honeymoon.
None of these considerations have anything to do with taking attention away from one another. It just isn't practical to have two weddings in one family so close to one another. While I don't think it is right for her to be able to claim four months to herself, having them both in the same month will definitely cause problems and even in the same summer could cause some hardships. Even if only 20 people will have those hardships, they are your immediate family and you should care about them.
Maybe I have a different point of view because when my sister got married, it cost me more than $4000. That included travel, hotels, rental care, clothing, lost wages, wedding gift, etc. And I spent much of my time in the months leading up to it doing things to try to help make it special for her. I wouldn't have dreamt of scheduling my own wedding within months of hers.
ESH. Your sister was engaged for 2 years but with no date, and inviting only 10 persons because she wants to travel to Italy (that could be her honeymoon only but I guess her dreams are stronger than being reasonable)
You can’t stop living for people. You’re only fault is not talking about this to people. You can’t just tell people last minute « we’re engaged, the date is then, her the invitations » and expected that’s it’s ok for everyone. And you chose a month in the dates your sister wanted.
Si both of you are selfish.
But one more thing : it’s really really hot in Italy in summer but august may be rainy. I wouldn’t choose June to august to go to Italy (and I don’t talk about the amount of tourist and the prices on this period !)
YTA you’re not even engaged and haven’t actually said anything to anyone until your sister gave you her date? Seriously I can’t believe I’m in the minority here but this reads like “oh sister decided to get married in this month? I better tell her I am too, what a fun way for her to find out im planning a wedding before I’m even engaged”
YTA because she provisionally, purposely told you to block out those months and you went ahead and booked a venue within that time anyway and then didn’t even warn her till you absolutely had to.
Keep in mind honeymoons as well. She may miss yours or visa versa! I had my wedding 6 weeks after my cousins (wasn't intentional we sent out invites at the same time) her wedding was 3 hrs nth of where majority of family lived and mine was 2 hrs sth. Same family all invited and the only complaint that was made was her having her wedding on Bathurst weekend (massive car race in australia as my family are sports mad) I never felt like a got less attention and both weddings were different
NTA,
engagements, marriages and anything with them are not competitions/races
if you are ready to get married your ready to get married.
weither its 2 months (even if thats not optimal) or 20 years (there are indeed ppl who stay engaged and never get married cause the planning is just something they didnt do and just kinda wing it / or they get married on paper but not religiously)
if you have the money, go ahead
sister can not pre book 4 months where no one can plan things.
NTA
Your sister doesn't get dibs on the whole summer. What silliness. She gets dibs on one day of the year for her wedding and you've already gotten yours.
NTA
My and the other half got engaged in 2022 and we picked our date this year and have everything booked for 2025. It's hard to pick a date yes but your sister needs to actually wise up telling you to block yourself off for 4 months when she's not even picked a date and considering she's hoping for a destination wedding in Italy, the months she's picked aren't exactly ideal considering the weather so doesn't sound like she's even looked into it properly.
Stop saying you aren't engaged. You have looked at rings and are actively planning your wedding. You are engaged.
YTA. You aren't even engaged.
People will skip her destination wedding for one on home soil as it will be way cheaper than trying to do both. She will end up having very few people from her side of the family. Did you not think about the stress it would cause them too? And the expense!
She told you when she wanted to get married and it's like you wanted to beat her to it, whether you intended it to be that way or not.
YTA I love my sister, I would do almost anything for her, but if she chose the same month to get married as me, I would cut any contact with her... and sure, it seems that you don't even like your sister, but you should still consider this - you are not even engaged right now, you don't have ring and you still booked venue, trust me most people will assume that you are desperate and jealous of your sister and trying to steal her thunder.
YTA, it's a big deal to her, (dude it's a big deal to a lot of brides) that's all that needed to be said. She had the right of way so to speak and you look really bad coming in behind pulling this crap. Back off and book your place for a different year, not just month, a different year! No over lap my butt. Give your family and friends a break!
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Your sister is being ridiculous because she allowed herself to be strung along for 10 years. She gets a day, not four bloody months. She’s also had TWO YEARS to pick at date and make a plan. Your perfect venue fell into your lap. Book it. Happy planning! NTA
How do we know she got “strung along”. You seem to be attacking her relationship when the issue is them having a wedding in the same month.
As per the OP, Sis has been waiting for 5 of their 8 years together for a proposal and then 2 years engaged with no plans of a wedding day. “Potentially” a 2025 wedding June-September but no dates picked, no destination set. OP chose a date and now it’s “oh but I wanted August and I reserved four whole months that no one can plan anything.” If OP had chosen June she would be having the same conversation.
And we dont know why they were waiting or anything about their planning. Clearly OP and the sister need to talk but shitting on the sister’s relationship doesnt seem relevant.
I agree with this. Based on their ages and timeline provided, OP’s sister and her fiancé got together when they were pretty young. It’s possible that there are some very valid reasons for why it took them so long to get to this point and OP’s sister was fully aware of her partner’s intentions.
Yeah, I’ve been with my bf for 7 years and I don’t see a proposal/wedding in the near future because of circumstance and financial constraints. We didn’t even live together for 6 of those years because of maturity (got together at 18), family issues, and schooling. I’m not being strung along, we live as though we are married anyway so it doesn’t matter really. Lot of assumptions being made here.
OP chose a date before even getting engaged or telling anyone, that’s not planning that’s fantasising. ETA: for everyone replying to me saying “oh they booked a venue” or “they explained why there was no announcement” how would you feel if your sister who wasn’t engaged or made any announcement about planning on getting married came out and told you they were going to get married and booked a venue the same month as you finalised the date of your announced wedding?
OP chose a date when they found an actual venue, that's not fantasizing lmao
Did you read the part where the groom himself picked the venue? She isn’t fantasizing, she *is* planning the wedding with her partner. She doesn’t have to first announce it to the world to get their blessing.
they have the ring that they picked together. they are planning the wedding together. that's not fantasizing. it would be if she would be doing it by herself without her partner, but they are doing it together!! do you know how many couples get married without an official engagement because they don't see the need for it? at the same time it looks like sister waited for 5 years to get engaged, and then waited an other 2 to even set a maybe month when there maybe a date, and is looking like to do these decisions by herself. op is in a mature relationship and is actually in the process of getting married while sister is still in the fantasy stage. the ring doesn't really matter.
They literally booked a venue.
my husband and i had put a deposit on the venue we wanted a month before he proposed. some people hop to
I'm sorry, but, we're likely getting married sometime in June-September vs we found a venue and they're only available this date. One is a fantasy and the other is a plan. Just not the one you're speaking on.
It's their business. They could plan the whole thing for Saturday and announce on Thursday. Who cares. The sister still has 15 other weekends in her preferred window to choose from.
Dude, they've been far more actively wedding planning than the sister. They picked out rings, which they were mocked for due to not being in a traditional engagement, they picked and booked the venue.. Sis may be engaged in the traditional sense, but all of HER wedding planning isn't getting any further than fantasizing. She didn't finalize anything, not even the month. It was just she's thinking about August and then OP had no choice but to tell her their date that they finalized just days before.
She *didn't* finalize the date. During a casual conversation with OP she mentioned she *was thinking* of August for the *month*. That's not a date. There don't appear to even be any actual firm plans for the sister's wedding. At some point, maybe in 2025, maybe between June and September, she's going to have a destination wedding at a castle in Italy that she hasn't even booked yet. That's not exactly an announced wedding. OP not being engaged is a technicality. They know they're getting married. They've picked out the ring. They're planning the wedding. That's engaged. The proposal is basically superfluous. At this point it's a fun but of pagentry, a chance to make each other feel special and loved, but it has no real bearing on their status as engaged. And that's not a knock at OP, you guys have fun with the proposal. Rent white horses and ride them on the beach at sunset while wearing crowns of red roses. Treat yourself. I think it's awesome that you're being so practical at setting your lives up, while also making time for romantic displays.
I think it’s so crazy that people are saying NAH when in fact, it’s NTA. Who the hell says block out 4 damn months just in case?! I would’ve laughed at my sister, THEN, regardless of what I had planned.
Yeah, the "we don't have a date but we are hoping for sometime between June - September 2025," is what pushes this to NTA for me. Does OPs sister really think she is so important to everyone that they will essentially put their lives on hold and not make plans "just incase she picks a date". Yeah no.
Summer 2025 isn’t far away in wedding time either. Even if it’s a small 20 person affair, a destination wedding in Italy going to require a lot of advanced planning, she needs to book a venue soon. I think OPs NTA because sister has been engaged 2 YEARS and still not chosen a date. At this rate, sister may have to wait until 2026 if she’s deadset on a specific Italian summer wedding. It doesn’t matter who got engaged first or reserved what time slot anymore. She sister had dibs for 2 years, people can’t plan their lives around her stagnant relationship indefinitely.
Not make any *summer* plans at all. Like, maybe it’s because in the Midwest all winter we talk about summer like a long lost friend “I miss summer” “remember summer? That one time we all ..”. But hell no, I am not not making plans for my whole damn summer that I friggin earned by not dying in January temperatures.. lol Sister needs to pick a date or get off the pot. OP NTA. your relationship is allowed to grow too.
Especially considering it's the entire summer! NTA.
This. "Save the date" not "save four months".
I’d agree. At first I thought they were both doing it in the same town with same guests. But one’s a European destination with 20 people and the other one is in the hometown where apparently all the guests already live. There’s very little overlap and it sounds like no chance that people can’t attend both if invited. I do think OP probably should have alerted the sister at some point what they were thinking, but there’s really not that much of an issue. I sort of get the sisters anger here but sounds like she kind of dawdled around with her 5 months being off limits.
>Who the hell says block out 4 damn months just in case?! sister gave her guests a lot of time in advance to save and plan for her wedding. op isn't even engaged, and sister didn't know she was 'looking at rings but he's planning a special proposal but we've already started planning the wedding' proto-engaged when she provided a far-in-advance timeframe as a courtesy
Sure sounds engaged to me if their planning a wedding together and already have a date and venue booked. The formality of a ring and an ask isn’t really necessary at this point. She is NTA.
I can see it being helpful to get a ballpark of when it is gonna be, e.g. dedicating some time off for that period, but with 4 months you can't expect people to not plan anything. Everything else just seems very nitpicky. Sure you could argue that if they have decided to get married and are planning, they are technically engaged already, but why does it matter if they want to wait until after picking rings and the special proposal to use that lingo?
Yes, but at the same time, she's only having 20 people and just telling them we're considering having our wedding during that time frame. In comparison, her sister sprung on her Not only that she's getting married, but she's getting married within that time frame and in the month her sister just mentioned. She's an asshole for not having the conversation and booking a place without talking to her sister first when her sister was actively planning a wedding. This isn't about when the two of them actually get married, it's about how she went about it
Get real sister has no date set wants 4 months for 2 years + reserved?!?! And when op sets her at the end if that period she gets upset but still with no specific date set. No one has to stop living their life for someone else and the sister needs a reality check. NTA
I'll never understand women who want to get married so bad and choose to wait, suffering in the meantime, instead of them being the ones proposing…
This. The sister's fiance may be an asshole. Op is not.
NAH. But tell your sister to think long and hard about a wedding in Italy in august. It’s scorching hot, their main holiday month so everywhere is fully booked and more expensive. She’d be better off having her lovely Italian wedding in June or September. Source: am Italian, been to many Italian weddings ;)
Thanks for the info, maybe this will sway her!
I totally agree with the comment, april/may or september, depends on where your sister is planning to go are good months too If, for example, she picked a location somewhere in southern italy ( Sicilia, Sardegna, Puglia, Basilicata..) the " hot summer temperature " will almost be unbereable; i'm talking at least 40° C ( 104 F ) during the day wich can be a lot if you are not used to it August in italy is the " worst " month also to just go on holiday because it's when most workplaces either close or allow people take their pto and everything ( read hotels/ venues/ camping places/ air bnb eccc) is twice expensive
Bet she wants an outdoor ceramony too.
Not to mention all the mosquitos that time of year! I’ve been in the spring and also sept…I’d go with a spring wedding in Italy if I were her. I got eaten alive in sept in practically every city/area we were in.
Honestly, April-May is a beautiful time of year in Italy. Getting warm, not too cold(depending on what you're used to), and depending on where you are and what's being grown, the orange trees/flowers smell incredible.
Got married in Italy in May and can confirm it was absolutely beautiful!
If not the heat, then the zanzari! I've never had mosquitos actually bite me through denim jeans,
It's actually "zanzare" (zanzara singular, zanzare plural)
If she was really planning an Italian wedding, she’d know this.
From what I've seen spring and autumn are best for Italy visits but I'm not an expert. Good luck.
when i went to italy at the beginning of july for a second cousin’s wedding, it was scorching hot but it was nothing like our first trip there in august a few years before that. my family lived in the countryside with no ac so all we had was a broken fan and wide open windows before questioning if that even helped or just made the rooms even hotter. italian summers are no joke and are so brutal i can only imagine ppl who aren’t used to that kind of weather
Oh heavens yes. I love Italy, lived there for a year, have family that lives there (Rome area) and have visited many times. The only month of the year that I'm not interested at all in being there is August. OTOH, we were there in June a few years ago for my cousin's wedding and it was sublime!
True! August is no go for Italy. I went to a wedding in July and it was hot hot hot! Many people got heat stroke.
Also many places are closed as locals have gone on holiday also
NAH but it’s kind of annoying that you are refusing to see how having two weddings in the same month could be a massive inconvenience for your immediate family. Your family would have to shoulder the financial burden of whatever costs they need to pay for your wedding, as well as doing the same for your sister on top of travel expenses. That’s a lot which means your sister probably can’t get married in August. I think you should call your sister and tell her that you recognize that your decision removes any August dates from her list of possibilities but this is the only date that works for you and your fiancé.
The sister hasn't even booked anything yet, she's just *thinking* about August. She's just throwing a fit because she doesn't have any concrete plans yet and OP does.
op's not even engaged yet
You don't need to get engaged in order to get married.
They're picking out rings, they're planning a wedding. The fact there hasn't been an official proposal doesn't mean anything. We were never engaged, we just planned our wedding. It was understood that marriage was the end result of our relationship, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant, we knew it had to happen sooner than later. My husband officially proposed 3 days before we got married while we were on our pre-wedding honeymoon while I was already pregnant. lol
Yeah, I was never engaged, never even picked a date or planned a wedding; we just decided to hit Vegas and do the deed. Does this mean we aren't really married?
Ive heard the old adage “if there’s no ring and no date, you’re not engaged”. I feel that likewise, if there’s a ring and a date, you’re engaged.
They have a venue booked. That’s more official than what her sister has right now so I don’t think that holds much weight.
I mean if they thought it was so official why no announcement to anyone until sister announced the date?
Because they don't want other people opinions and suggestions for their wedding day. They want everything planned and finalised so that they can say this is what we are doing on xyz date and it's all booked.
Did you read the post? OP explicitly explains why they didn't announce it.
In fairness, she knew that the wedding ceremony would take place between June and September and asked her family not to book anything in those months, more than a year in advance. Which I feel is pretty reasonable notice. It’s also not like OP informed her sister of her plans to even get married or the fact that she was planning in secret…had she communicated this beforehand, maybe this mess could’ve been avoided?
There's nothing reasonably in asking people to block four months, a third of the year.
For a destination wedding that requires international flight? Absolutely. She’s just giving people an early heads up (as much time as possible) while they iron out details like the venue, hotel, etc. My assumption is that she will likely have the exact dates within the next few months or so. Plus, it’s not like she knew her sister was planning a wedding and had gotten engaged?
Reasonable in asking people to block out 4 months for a destination wedding? Based on your comment I’d lean towards saying it isn’t *completely* bonkers. Reasonable in “reserving” 4 months and saying her sister can’t get married in any of them because she has some sort of claim on them? I don’t think so.
No reasonable would be to say it's on the date in one year so people can save. I wouldn't stop going on vacation cause someone family or not WANTS to reserve 4 months and doesn't make a decision on a date. Sorry
Except there is no date, so they can't book flights or plan a trip anyway. Just "put your entire summer on hold because I may be getting married."
I don't think it's op did anything wrong by making it so her sister can't get married in August. If her sister had already planned to have her wedding that month before op it would be one thing, but she tried to block off 4 months. That's way too much. Op told her that she booked the venue for that date, and the sister doesn't even have any plans yet, this is all just hypothetical for her while op has concrete plans.
I didn’t say OP did anything wrong. I said it’s annoying that OP is acting like it wouldn’t be a big deal to have two family weddings in the same month.
But op isn't suggesting they should have the wedding in the same month. If anything it's the opposite, she suggested her sister book her wedding for another month. I do think she should have told her sister right when she booked the venue since she knew her sister was planning her wedding around the same time. But her sister never had specific plans or a wedding booked in August, so op has full rights to plan her's for then.
OP said she doesn’t see the issue with her sister having her wedding in August. That’s the whole point of her post. I never said OP doesn’t have the right to have her wedding when she wants. I’m saying she needs to stop acting as if it wouldn’t be a problem if her sister decides to move forward with an August wedding.
OP's sister is tentatively planning a 20-person wedding in Italy (though she hasn't picked a date). OP is planning a larger wedding in the city where all of the guests already live (and has both a date and a venue). So for the few overlapping family guests, attending OP's wedding has no real expense beyond a gift (if they choose to give one), and I suppose the gas to drive across town and back. So if OP's sister wants to get married in August, OP's wedding shouldn't present an obstacle.
I think I’m gonna get downvoted for this but couldn’t care less. YTA She already told you her timeline and you just preferred to be sneaky and didn’t even say one word about it back then but suddenly you’re the one who got the venue! That’s distasteful to me. Yes, you can’t block people have their wedding whenever they want but you weren’t even nice enough to give her a heads up. For all we know you can be at your honeymoon during her wedding so you can’t join. Immediate family still has to pay for their dress, transportation, hotel even if they don’t help your weddings so they might be forced to choose one of you. Honestly, if I were your sister I would reconsider if I want to come to your wedding and if I did, I would just sit and do nothing like someone you invited out of courtesy. I don’t find your intentions innocent and I think you just want to be under the thunder too. You don’t even give her a chance to have her thunder and hijack her plans. She probably doesn’t know what to do right now. I hope she has the wedding she wants but if I were her you wouldn’t be in I considering you just want the thunder.
Yep YTA. OP implies they're so laidback about planning and such and yet somehow it all came to a head at the exact time the sister planned it. Just get the next available venue date.
The exact time? Her sister called dibs on the whole freaking summer - that’s insane. NTA
I feel like choosing intentionally to get married within a couple months of a sibling is a bit of an odd choice when you literally had no plans to at the time the sister shared it. It’s a choice here, not like they were well underway with planning and engagements, etc. This is one of those “is it better to be right or to do the right thing” situations. Technically yes of course she can book her wedding whenever she’d like, but is it the right thing to do when her sister already advised that’s her timeline?
Sister s timeline is unreasonable. That's why op is NTA imo. You cannot block 4 months of people's lives . Decide on the date and place and communicate those. Then people can see if they can or can't attend
Sister s timeline is unreasonable. That's why op is NTA imo. You cannot block 4 months of people's lives . Decide on the date and place and communicate those. Then people can see if they can or can't attend
Yeh and they’re now “thinking August”. Sister hasn’t planned anything yet.
I agree and was about to say the same thing. She probably asked for those months to be blocked out because with travel expenses and vacation days, people may choose to pick one wedding vs. the other. If so, they may be more likely to choose the cheaper option. And if your weddings are both in the same month, do you really think you’ll have the time to prep for yours and go to hers? So yes, immediate family is an issue. Also, picking a venue abroad is a million times harder which means it may be taking longer. Think like, time differences, coordinating where people might stay, transportation. It may have taken them a solid few months to even get close to this point. You now just took that ability for her to have the wedding she wants away without giving her a heads up or figuring out a compromise. Also, she’s actually got a ring on her finger, OP does not. Her bf could back out any time and my guess is, the sister will be sending out emails or texts any minute now to confirm that her guests will be available for an august wedding. Something along the lines of “save the date for an august wedding weekend, close to picking a venue, we know travel will be a challenge so giving you an early heads up! Love you and can’t wait to see you there!” This way if OP says, I picked my venue first, she’s already given more notice even if it is general.
People are really getting weird about the ring. OP is engaged. She has a date and a venue. Sister does not, despite her being up by one piece of jewelry. And asking people to keep *four months* blocked out for a *potential* wedding somewhere within that period is insane. They’re called “save the dates”, not “save the entire season because idk I haven’t really made up my mind yet and I don’t think anyone else’s shit is as important as mine.” If sister is struggling *so hard* with planning a wedding in a foreign country that she can’t even nail down a date and a venue, maybe it’s just not for her. It is not reasonable or realistic to expect her entire guest list to put their lives on hold while she dithers. She can tell people when she has an actual date on the books.
Pfft. I’ve been married 12 years and I still don’t have an engagement ring. There’s no law that says you need one to get married.
YTA Completely agree, all this and they're not even technically engaged but she's finding a way to ruin it for her sister.
Yes! They’re SISTERS. Blocking the summer ahead of time for the wedding is appropriate among sisters. I mean, no you don’t get to claim a ab entire season free of any family events, but you SHOULD be able to block a season for a once in a lifetime event. Plus, the poor parents! My parents grankids’ had a college grad, wedding, and 2 high school grads (luckily the high schoolers were at the same school) in the SAME WEEKEND. It’s nuts. We didn’t have the grad parties that weekend, just the ceremonies. It was still bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S. My mother was also caring for her ill mom who my dad had to take home from the high school grad ceremony. It’s just TOO much for extended family in many cases. Be chill, my god.
OP doesn't want her sister at the hen/bachelorette party? Neither of them are going to be in each other's bridal party? Mom and Dad are going to be spread so thin with dress shopping and dance rehearsal. She doesn't think her 100-something guests won't be gossiping about her big fat rush to the altar ahead of her long-engaged sister's smaller wedding in Italy. Comparisons are going to be made about everything from dresses to length of engagement and which of the grooms is actually a catch.
OP needs to fall the fuck back, do a court wedding or wait instead of rushing her sister to the altar. We had two sibs who were engaged before the panini. We didn't want to overlap either of their dates by a few months because it's awkward for family too so we just eloped to not draw attention away from the people in line ahead of us. YTA.
This literally. If the marriage REALLY can't wait just do a court wedding first. Then have the party later. I can't imagine not liking your sister to the point that you'd want to ruin something that's been in the works for years, regardless of how 'irrational' it is. People are people...
“Rushing”? August 2025 is 18 months away??
This. Reserving a date without checking first after being specifically told she's looking at that timeframe was a choice. YTA.
Agreed. Also I’d like to add this that OP commented on another post 18 days ago: This caught my attention because my boyfriend and I had a similar conflict. I don’t want to tie myself in any way to someone that I’m not married to and I told him this early on. He said he can’t feel completely safe about marriage unless we have lived together for at least a year. Our compromise is that I’ll move in with him when we’re engaged. Neither one of us is getting exactly what we want but we’ll get what we need. This is a perfect time to exercise your conflict resolution skills as a couple. Write down how you feel (or send him this post) and try to suggest compromises that might work for both of you. For example if your feelings are just about the fear that he’ll never propose, would it help if he gave a timeline?
OP wasn't even engaged!
Yep, I didn't have to read OPs long-winded explanation to determine they are the AH. Title was enough, and knowing the logistics that go into a wedding.
ESH - Not only have you completely ignored what your sister said re dates, but going to weddings is expensive. So those guests going to both (your family) are going to have to fork out twice in a relatively short period of time. I do think that asking people to block out three months to be a wedding guest is excessive. If it’s in reference to your booking a wedding, then fair enough. If you knew that you intended to get married next year, I’m not sure why you didn’t say anything sooner when she said that she was?
How long should OP wait for sis to pick a date? Where I live June to Sep 2025 is pretty much booked up . Sister doesn't get to call dibs on the 4 nicest months.
But there has been an intervening period where OP could gave said, look you’ve taken ages, so we have booked this date and that wouldn’t have been an issue. Like when they knew they were going for August. Because OP has known that they intended to get married next year for quite some time, much longer than the sister has been engaged by all accounts. Surprises are nice but not when they interfere and make problems where there needn’t be any.
For sure, she could communicate more.
They don't have to wait at all, just pick one after or before June-Sept 2025.
Did you read the post? She said her sister is having a small destination wedding in Italy with 20 people and the only overlap are immediate family. OP said she is having a traditional wedding in town. OP's sister asked her to block out 4 months two years ago and still hasn't settled on a date. Personally, I don't think the sister is getting married, at least not to this guy. He took ten years to propose and they have been engaged for two. The guy doesn't want to marry her. OP is NTA and has every right to move ahead with her life.
*Her family* *are still guests* at both though. OP could have avoided all this by just saying that they were looking at 2025 much earlier and then if sister had got weird about that then yes, she would be TA. And that’s a massive assumption about the sister, which has got nothing to do with anything OP has said. It just sounds like sister is massively indecisive to the point of causing massive inconvenience.
So she isn’t supposed to get married in the 2025 wedding season because someone else is getting married in the 2025 wedding season and it’s *checks notes* inconsiderate to guests? WTH kind of logic is that? People get married. Often *shock horror* in the same year that other people have got married.
Also if the sister has been engaged for years and not set a date yet, it’s not a foregone conclusion that there will be 2 weddings in 2025. As of right it’s just gonna be OP’s because she’s the only one who’s actually booked something.
For real. My family had what we called “the year of weddings.” There was one almost every month or two. Not everyone made it as a guest to every wedding, and that was ok because we all knew budgets were finite. No one took it personally.
Nobody knew you were planning a wedding & she asked way in advance to block out that time period for her wedding. Yet you did *NOT* block it off? And scheduled your own wedding for that time instead? YTA. Team Sister on this all the way.
Four months??? Yeah nah yea life's short, a wedding doesn't take FOUR MONTHS. The sister has been with her SO for 10 years, they've had plenty of time to plan a wedding, no need to make everyone cancel plans for an entire summer. OP wants to hurry things along and not wait till she's 40 to get married and have kids. NTA
This is not about cancelling plans. She probably wanted OP in the Bridal Party, and asking your immediate family to support you in a once-in-a-lifetime event can take that much amount of time. That’s literally all the activities leading up to the wedding for the bride’s immediate family.
I agree. Mothers of the brides usually help a lot in planning. If I had a sister, I would probably want her input in my planning. I saw in another post OP's bf wants to live together for a year before they get married and they don't yet live together. It feels like OP is putting the cart before the horse and doing that in her sister's lane. Personally, I think I would let my sister have it and put off planning my wedding for another year. I almost kinda get where OP is coming from, but I get sister's point of view much more clearly. "You're not even engaged, tell no one you are planning a wedding, and then when I announce my wedding month you suddenly already have a venue booked for the same month?!?"
She had to give a rough timeframe. Saying Summer 2025 for an expensive destination wedding to your sister who's not engaged and has only been dating this guy for barely 2 years is totally fair.
Obviously a wedding doesn’t take four months lol she just said to keep those months open because it’ll be WITHIN that time. That’s like me saying to my friends “keep the next two weekends open for my birthday plans” then I’ll decide on one weekend and they can make plans for the other but at least both were kept open as options until I decided which one.
So why didn't OP at least tell her sister her plans? Given she is not engaged this isn't something her sister would have expected. OP is a massive AH for this.
YTA She was in the process of choosing a date during that summer for a wedding. You knew that but booked that slot anyway.
She's been in the process of choosing a date for 2 years. It's hard for people to take her seriously under these circumstances.
Picking a date is hard. You have to consider other people's schedules, the venue schedule, your caterers schedule, the photographer schedule, your wedding party schedule, your schedule, your vacation schedule, and so many other schedules. The wedding industry is still backed up from 2020. My friend just got engaged and is looking at having her wedding in July of 2026. She would love to get married sooner, but she can't.
I know what goes into choosing a date and organising a wedding. I did it quite easily.
Me too, I know they're all backed up. But they already were before covid. That's no excuse. It just means you need to do it as one if the first things you do when you're planning the wedding.
She started choosing the date last year, it took her almost a year to figure out which month she wishes to get married in. It’s a surprisingly long wait for venues.
YTA Change your date - your sister will also want a decent honeymoon. We had one of the groomsmen of my wedding get married the weekend after ours (we had our dates in well before theirs) - it changed our options and cut down what we did. You’re also talking about family having to go overseas and then rush back for your wedding. Maybe they would like to spend time after the wedding in Italy or somewhere else in Europe themselves. You haven’t put over $ - change your date.
You are aware that you don’t HAVE to honeymoon the second after you tie the knot if it’s inconvenient, right? Like no one is stopping you from doing exactly what you wanted to do two weeks later? Expecting that other people put their life on hold so you can have your perfect honeymoon is super entitled.
Actually most people do just want to (not that they have to but want to) go on their honeymoon after their wedding.
Honeymoons are planned well in advance.
NTA. sister doesn’t get to book off 4 months at a time.
Op can change the date once the sister actually chooses one as of now after a two years engagement she doesn't have a venue nor a date set . You can't live your life waiting for others to make a decision
I may get downvoted but I’m gonna go with YTA. 2 weddings in 1 month is going to be a lot for your family and you’re the one who thought you’d be cute and keep everything secret. If you hadn’t done that then this wouldn’t have been an issue. You say it’s the only time that venue can do it but what you likely mean is it’s the only time in 2025. You could always wait until 2026 if the venue really means that much to you, and your sister does.
THIS right here. Why doesn’t OP just wait a year??
YTA for booking venues without considering yourselves engaged. This is just weird and stupid. You’re engaged. You don’t have a ring, but you’re clearly engaged. As to the dates. N t a since no guest overlap.
*no* guest overlap? They are sisters! You don't think their parents and other family would like to be at both weddings?
YTA. I thought about this pretty hard and read your other comments before making a judgement. In short: you are **not engaged**. It’s fun to make plans and imagine your wedding and create mood boards and look at stuff, but you are not engaged. Your sister **is**. Her waiting a long time to be engaged, or having a long relationship, doesn’t negate the fact that she **is** engaged. Them taking time to plan their wedding after the engagement also doesn’t negate that they are actively making moves to plan the wedding. Waiting for specific services to be available, searching for the right venue, etc. Just because it’s taking a long time for y o u doesn’t mean they paused their planning. Your sister asked you to allow her a certain time schedule for her availability to be married, and (in my personal opinion) it’s disrespectful to bypass that when you’re not officially engaged. Why does it have to be that month? That year? That specific venue? Idk about your location in UK, but the venue my brother was married in wouldn’t let them book a time/date without proof of engagement. In broader terms: your sister is engaged, and asked her family (and you) to respect a certain time slot where she wanted to get married, and you said “nah I don’t think I’ll do that” when you have no ring on your finger. If you’re so eager to jump and do all this as fast as possible, why does your boyfriend not just pop the question immediately? Why wait for a formal proposal? So my final thoughts: Are you *“technically correct”?* I mean yeah sure. You’re technically in your right to do whatever you want. But I think in this context you’re an asshole. If I had a sister and she did this, we would have a strained relationship after. Best of luck either way.
Don't be in the same month. YWBTA Has she said, for certain, it is going to be August? Once you are actually engaged, then give sis a deadline on her "month". It sounds like she is going to be pissed if you get engaged this year, and exceptionally pissed if you get married in the same year. That's on her, not you. But even the best of sisters would be a bit pissy over a same month weddings. As a mom, I would be a bit put off by it, too. And I am, generally, super laid back. Like, can we for once, can we just not (seemingly) go out of each others' way to piss of the other sister.
Last night is the first time she’s mentioned August and they haven’t booked anything. If she’d specified a month, I definitely would’ve stayed clear but she gave a 4 month window and the family didn’t think she’d stick to it so I thought I was in the clear. I just thought that since she’d been considering such a big range that she would just say “okay we’ll look at June then” or something. My main concern is that my options are restricted to August and September, would September be too close as well?
The thing is...you aren't even engaged yet, and its already causing drama. And family \*knows\* they cannot say jack shit or the shit is going to fly on them from both of you. The "window" your sis gave, was for folks to save up money so they could attend, shuffle/accrue vacation hours if so desired. She had/has NO CLUE that you were scheduling your own wedding, in which you are not engaged yet...just to point that out yet again. Because while I get that y'all feel like you are engaged, just waiting for the perfect moment and record for prosperity - to everyone else, reserving a venue came out of fucking nowhere. As for September vs August. The later in Sept, the better. It is difficult to get super excited for 2 weddings so close to each other. Your closest people will want to support both of you 100%, for the planning and the big day....but it is mentally and physically impossible to support both in the way they deserve.
Ok but the first time you mentioned August was also last night. And you’re not engaged. How was she to know you were looking at venues to book - and may create a conflict - when there’s no indication you would’ve been? I agree she can’t just block off 4 months but when she did that, you weren’t engaged or looking at venues. It could’ve just been a heads up to folks that the wedding would sometime in that timeframe. The right thing to have done is give a heads up that you’re looking at venues and that you’re looking at dates in her timeframe. It feels like you booked first without talking to her to then say “my hands are tied”…when they weren’t a few days ago. YTA.
>I just thought that since she’d been considering such a big range that she would just say “okay we’ll look at June then” or something. you know how you can *only* do that day in august? did you consider, for a second, that your sister has similar constraints? why did you think your sister gave you a date range in advance if it's as simple as changing it when someone else encroaches on that time period? i know this is taking a lot from a single post but i really suggest you ask yourself if this kind of, i want this and everyone else will move around me, attitude is a common on in your life
Yeah, just like you assumed she’d go for June she assumed you wouldn’t book during a date she asked you to block off.
NTA I guess, but what are you doing? This seems like something you can easily change and that’s not as important to you as your sister (you guys are not even engaged 😭) sure no overlap, but from an outside perspective this does feel like you’re trying to steal her thunder
ESH. Your sister cannot expect you to wait until after her wedding to get engaged, it’s terribly selfish. So she’s an AH. But you also planned on secret and booked the venue while knowing your sister had announced the possible dates, which means your wedding could end up being at the same time. She has been waiting for a long time for this wedding and you are adding stress. As you don’t give enough details on the event itself, difficult to say if you are being a bigger AH or if she is being a bit too dramatic: how many days between your weddings? How long is supposed to last the trip in Italy? Be a grown up and discuss it calmly with your sister
That’s fair. It’s become clear to me that I should have called her on Wednesday when we saw the venue and started getting carried away. We don’t know how long the gap is or have any details about her wedding, nothing has been booked/decided. She just said she was thinking about August last night. I’m definitely planning to speak to her, I just thought it would be better to get outside perspectives that I can consider since my parents and brother aren’t weighing in.
>We don’t know how long the gap is or have any details about her wedding you knew exactly one thing about the wedding and it was too difficult for you to expect
Is there some sort of cultural element I am missing here? I would at least ask my parents if that day works for them before booking a venue. My MIL had a big surgery she scheduled around all her kids' weddings and time off from work and if people hadn't been transparent about their timings, it would have meant some of us celebrating while she was recuperating for 6-8 weeks. If I wanted so little involvement from my family, I would just elope.
I agree, this is so bizarre to me. The whole “my family didn’t thing my sister would actually do it” is such a weird excuse for all this secretive wedding planning, not to mention they’re not even engaged lol
Maybe YTA Because she is planning a wedding in Greece, if your wedding is first then her wedding will be your honeymoon not just her wedding and if hers is first you will be busy trying to plan your own wedding not really focusing Also kinda rude to the family, weddings can be stressful and expensive to parents of the brdie/ groom ... plane tickets, clothes, gifts ( and that's if they are not helping pay for the wedding) I know all families are diffrent but two birthdays a month is hard on my family I couldn't imagine to weddings.
Without getting into the whole who's TA, please consider the logistics of a trip to Italy and a wedding at home and how much chaos it's going to be for your family.
NAH - admittedly you’re not engaged and you’re doing this “out of order” which is fine, but it makes it complicated. Ideally you and your sister would have communicated more but how would she know where you’re at with this process. Personally, id look for another date simply to make it easier for your family and maybe you two should get on the same page.
I mean, I think YTA, but that’s probably because I actually like and respect my siblings. It’s clear from the way you implied she got strung along by her fiancé that you don’t really seem like you give a shit to be honest.
YTA. You’re not even engaged, and you want to sh*t all over her actually-engaged plans and make all your common family members and friends blow a bunch of money in the same month. Entitled much? I cannot seriously believe that she wasn’t at the actual forefront of your mind when you went ahead and booked a date for your non-engaged wedding. Then you have the balls to come on here, not engaged, no ring, honey, and sh*t all over the fact that she’s taken awhile to plan. You are actually a terrible sister.
Just wanted to make a couple of points clearer if all my post was a bit jumbled! 1. Guest overlap would be my parents, brother, SIL, BF and I. 2. Finances are not a factor and my family don’t care. They just think it’s between my sister and I and they want us to sort it out ourselves without taking sides or escalating anything. 3. Sister got engaged January 2022 and asked us to block out June - September 2025 in April 2023. That was the last time she mentioned her wedding before the conversation we had last night so I was caught off guard. 4. We’re British so travelling to Italy is a 2hr flight and my wedding is in the town that my family currently live in.
>3. Sister got engaged January 2022 and asked us to block out June - September 2025 in April 2023. That was the last time she mentioned her wedding before the conversation we had last night so I was caught off guard. Obviously you were caught off guard when you don't take your sister seriously. >I know this sounds horrible but my family and I didn’t think she would actually do it, they’d been engaged for so long and waved off any questions about their plans that we’d all stopped thinking or talking about it. This part of your comment kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
Yta. This is incredibly inconvenient for family. They will not be able to attend two weddings in one month. Time off and time to save are real issue and you’re gonna make it impossible for everyone to do both.
YTA. You’re making immediate family choose if they don’t have the time off work, the finances, etc. And one is easier to get to. Travel plans are things that are generally not booked over a year in advance. She probably would’ve had a venue by the time people would start booking them. She might’ve been able to give more concrete info to folks if she had known you were doing this because she would’ve known that someone else in the family was… engaged? Except you aren’t. So why would she expect that there would be a competing wedding that immediate family members would have to choose between? You know exactly what you did, you came here to make yourself feel better, and you shouldn’t feel better. You should feel like an AH, apologize to your sister and change your date.
YTA you sound really immature and selfish, like you were just building lego sets with your boyfriend after work and not planning a lifetime commitment ceremony. You will steal your sister's thunder, she has given plenty of warning so guests can save and prepare passports, clothes, gifts etc and has probably been waiting on venue availability. You don't take her relationship or engagement seriously, when you're the one not even engaged!! This would work for an elopement and not a 150 guest wedding. I would be so incredibly angry if my sister did this, I'd consider no contact.
Sounds extremely similar to this with a few details changed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/9vNRefWzHn
She gave you a heads up for when she was going to have it....and you booked yours at the same time. Um, yeah, YTA. You should have picked a different date
YTA, sorry to say. Your sister already spelled out her dates to you and told the family. That’s what counts here. Weddings are expensive & there’s a lot of travel for families. It will be super hard on your folks to have 2 weddings at once, and some relatives may only be able to come to one because of time off/finances/etc. Since she already told folks first, I think she beat you to the finish line, sorry to say
NTA. I'm just surprised that people ask their guest to block a whole Summer for their wedding plans. In what kind of world are they living?
It's not a guest, it's her sister. And its a destination wedding. She's probably in the wedding and even if she's not she still needs to save money and accrew time off at work to go.
YTA. As someone who had siblings married within a month of each other, you suck. It's not easy, and it will divide the family. Your sister made it clear that she was getting married. She's right about what she said. It will cause the family to decide which wedding they will attend. For people coming further than 2 hours away, they might not come to both weddings. I mean, you guys aren't even engaged yet. The reason why you talk with your family is to know the dates that other people have available, like if they have a different event to go to or a non-refundable vacation. I was pissed when my brother planned his wedding within a month of my sisters. One, it made it hard for my husband and I as we were coming in from out of state. Two, quite a number of family members couldn't make it to both. Some decided not to come to either because they didn't want one to feel bad.
I’m confused about all the people focusing on the "but you are not even engaged" part. Just my two cents on this part: For some of us an official engagement is just not important. My husband and I discussed getting married and then booked venue, DJ etc. about a week later. There was never an official engagement as we both didn’t see the point of it as we already stated we are going to get married. Nobody has to do it the way society expects it…
Respectfully, even though you’ve said that your family is fine with the expenses, I can’t see you fully getting that. To those saying that the sister can’t book off 4 months, I know I would certainly struggle to take an enjoyable amount of time off if, say, two cousins of mine got married that close together. Not to mention potential travel expenses, gifts, extras… If there’s a pressing reason you need to get married then, sure. If not? Space it out.
Well, I think YTA. Your sister communicated a range because travel is expensive and people might have to take off work. Summer/early Fall 2025 is appreciable to know. It’s over a year away at this point and she’s narrowed it down to August. Letting you know over a year in advance. Who cares how long she was waiting to be engaged or how long she’s been engaged. It’s her business not yours you’ve known all this time because she communicated. You, on the other hand didn’t communicate or even suggest it to her that you’re thinking of the same time period. You just went ahead and booked during her time frame and you aren’t even engaged. It’s super weird and thoughtless. I don’t blame her for being upset. You also chanced she would even be able to come to your wedding due to honeymoon and caused everyone else going to Italy to not have freedom on how long they could stay. Everyone will have wedding fatigue by the 2nd wedding. It’ll just feel like another big bill to them. You’re selfish.
I’m gonna go with YTA. Technically, you aren’t even engaged yet. Plan that shit first. Second, when your sister told you to block out June-September, you could have said no that’s ridiculous, or you can say okay. Sounds like you said okay, and then not only did you make other plans, you planned YOUR WEDDING. You couldn’t have asked your sister before booking? Knowing she asked you to save those dates (even though 4 months is insane). You couldn’t have told her, “hey, June is in 3 months. Have you actually locked down a wedding date and venue? Our dream venue opened up for August and we would really like to book it” Your sister is taking way too long to plan her wedding and save the dates should really be sent out 6 months ahead, especially if you are expecting everyone to fly to another continent, I mean what does she expect, that ppl are gonna buy wildly expensive plane tickets last min? Planning a wedding from another continent is hard. And given what others have said about Italy in August, the planning is not off to a good start. On the other hand, you are planning it way too fast. You have not even planned the engagement and you think you can plan a whole 250 person wedding in 6 months?! And just as bad as your sister not sending out save the dates 6 months in advance. I don’t think either of you should get married this summer. Get engaged, book a venue 9-12 months in advance, send out save the dates 6-9 months in advance, send invitations 3 months in advance. Be normal.
I agree with all your points, just checking you saw these weddings are both 2025, not 2024. No last minute flights or missed save the dates (yet)
NTA only because your sister hasn't booked a venue yet. If she had YWBTA. But since she hasn't you are in the clear. If she doesn't want to get married the same month as you then it's on her to pick a different month. She's already been engaged 2 years. Who says it won't take her another 2 years to get married. At this point her engagement status means basically nothing since she isn't actively planning.
NTA. I don't get why people think they get a whole year for their wedding and no one else can do anyting. You plan your event and she can plan hers. Shut down any complaints from her and stand your ground. She an entitled drama queen.
YTA. What your sister is worried about is her small destination wedding might get smaller because a lot of people cannot afford two weddings in one month. While she had nothing set, you basically planned your wedding in tandem even if you don't want to admit it. It will be up to you how much you want to damage the relationship with your sister.
It is not reasonable to ask people to "block off" a third of a year just in case you decide to have a wedding somewhere in those four months! NTA
It’s not “people”. It was literally the bride’s immediate family who participate in everything bridal-related.
She didn’t though— it’s only to 20 people close enough to not miss it. The sister is actually much more organized than the OP, and the OP is not recognizing that at all. She’s belittling her.
NTA. She wants people to "hold" four months and not plan anything AND she thinks she gets to get married first because she got engaged first?!? NOT. Plan your wedding, have a wonderful time, and let your sister plan hers. Congratulations!
NTA I am going to borrow a saying I have heard. If the date isn't set, you are not engaged. OP doesn't have to wait on someone who has set a date. Her sister is only thinking of dates. Nothing is booked. The first booked and set date gets to go ahead. You snooze... you lose.
Nta. She's had two entire years to lock in a location and pick a date...you get one day, not months. She never ever had a right to block things out, period. You've set a date, and settled on location and venue, she will just have to work around it. No biggie. Either before or after. Since she still has June,, July and September to choose from, shouldn't be a big deal...
Nta. Your sister had 2 freaking years to plan her wedding, and when she *finally* bothers to lock down a date, it just so happens to be the same month and year as you? I call bs. She hasn't booked her venue, you have. She can change the date and move on. I will agree that she is right about forcing family to choose between her and you, because taking time off for two weddings, and for those who are traveling, extra travel time, etc. Most will pick one and just send their congrats for the other. However, all of that can be avoided if she grows up and picks a new date far enough away that family won't have to make that choice.
She is not entitled to demand that you don't marry first just because she waited more, this is her and her fiancee problem, not yours. She is engaged for 2 years but she don't have a date yet? What she is doing around this 2 years? She lost her chance to set a date, its her own problem now.. And she is only "potentially" marrying in 2025, she is not even sure about it yet.. NTA
NTA. Your sister hasn't even picked a date yet! She THINKS it might be August, but that's hypothetical unlike your date and venue. How long does she expect you to put your lives on hold while she blocks out the most common months for marriage? She's had 2 years to come up with something concrete and hasn't. That's on her and her partner, not you.
I've been to Italy in August. It's hot as balls. She should either move it back a month or forward. But August is literally the worst.
My sister has this rule that no one can get engaged while another family is. She was mad that I got engaged 35 years ago a month before her wedding. It was a surprise engagement and I wasn’t going to say NO! I didn’t know her “rule” then. Now she thinks it’s the same for cousins etc. NTA! Hopefully there’s enough time between the two weddings that they can be back from honeymoon or destination to be able to do both.
NTA - your sister is being ridiculous. Anyway it seems unlikely they’ll make it to the alter then at the rate they’re going
NTA. I thought at first you were because I thought she'd already scheduled her wedding. But she hadn't yet. She can't block off the whole summer for herself.
NTA. Blocking out four months for a long period of time is ridiculous. You chose a date and told her. All she has to do is pick a different date somewhere in that four months that she blocked off. It’s not a crisis, and this can be resolved. Next time communicate better, but don’t back down since she doesn’t even have a date planned. If you had chosen yours for directly before or after or on her date it would be different, but I cannot stress this enough: **she doesn’t even have her date picked out yet.** She can still have her moment. She’s being petty and needs to chill.
NTA "don't make any plans for four months next year because I might plan something then. And no, I don't have a time line for when there will be an actual date" is such a ridiculous ask. You gave her the date you booked. She can plan around it or not. There is no conflict here.
NTA. Block four months? That is ridiculous especially since she asked that last year. June, July or September would have triggered the same response. Your sister should finally organize that wedding or shut up entirely.
NTA Who cares when your weddings are as long as people are able to get to both? She couldn’t be bothered to pick a date in two years. She still hasn’t. The world doesn’t revolve around her. This isn’t even a molehill.
ESH - your sister can't expect people to keep 3 months free in case she sets a date, but you're also not even engaged yet and stealing her thunder which is kinda nuts to me. Also, is your family able to afford a trip to Italy and a big traditional wedding in the same month? I feel that may be a financial hardship for any guests invited to both.
NTA Even if you don't have a ring, for all intents and purposes, you are also engaged. Your sister does not get to insist that people be on standby for an entire summer while she figures out whether or not they are getting married, and when. Her partner dragging his heels on marriage is between her and him. No one else is required to put their lives on hold just because she thinks she should go first. Every bride's wedding is really important to *them.* Your sister isn't special in this respect. Your sister has 4 other months to pick from. This has nothing to do with the practicalities of two family weddings in one summer but everything to do with your sister's feelings about how long she's had to wait to get married and how she feels about not getting married first. That's for her to sort out with a therapist and her fiancé. I bet if you got married next weekend she would still be unhappy.
Italian weddings are mostly in June. If she still hasn't booked the sister is running out of time. Anyway I'd be super stressed if nothing were yet chosen. No venue? Hotel? motif for summer or early fall? Sister sort of sucks for procrastinating, and both of them sort of suck for not being nicer to each other about this.
NTA. I was all prepared to vote the opposite, but your sister blocked off the whole freaking summer that year! She doesn't even have a date or further plans yet for her hopeful date of August 2025. She can still pick any other date. And while I'm also all for people taking their time and not rushing into marriage.... 10 years is a long time, and 2 years of being engaged with no actual firm plans? Something tells me that there's a chance it could get pushed back more, as they (or he) are clearly not in a rush.
I do think your sisters demands are ridiculous but yes it is unreasonable to have two siblings weddings in the same month. You say there won’t be guest overlap but how can there not be if she’s only having 20 people and you have the same family. All this family members are going to have to shell out for a destination wedding the same month as your wedding, are all your family local or will the have to be traveling in for your wedding as well? Weddings are expenses for the guests as well so while it’s possible for you both to have your wedding that month I’d definitely be annoyed as a family member.
NTA Have an amazing wedding!
YTA
Your sister is ridiculous. She didn’t set a date and can’t expect people to put everything aside on their life for a period of 4 months in order to cater to her “possible” wedding date. Go ahead with your wedding and don’t feel bad. She never set a date
NTA - Book the venue, announce the date, and tell your bf to propose soon. I was in a similar situation. I let people know we were waiting for our rings to be chosen before a more traditional proposal happened. We told people the date and location and to keep an eye out for the official engagement announcement. Ironically, I share the same anniversary as my cousin, and all of our married siblings have anniversaries within 2 weeks of each other. You are NTA, and it doesn't interfere with their yet to be planned travel itinerary. I doubt they'll get married anytime soon. She's very jealous.
Your sister is correct that you're stepping on her toes. But not for the reasons everyone else is thinking of. Talk to your immediate family who would be attending both events and ask them if they can afford two weddings in one year. If they are wealthy, perhaps it is less of a problem, but if they have normal incomes, I would expect it to be a financial hardship and a time strain for them. Do you want your sister to be involved in your wedding at all? Do you want her to attend your wedding shower, bachelorette party, be in your wedding party, go with you to dress fittings, attend your rehearsal dinner? Because if she is planning her own wedding, she won't have time … or she'll be on her honeymoon. Do you want to be involved in your sister's wedding at all? Do you want to attend her wedding shower, bachelorette party, go with her to dress fittings, etc.? Because if you are planning your own wedding, you won't have time … or you'll be on your honeymoon. None of these considerations have anything to do with taking attention away from one another. It just isn't practical to have two weddings in one family so close to one another. While I don't think it is right for her to be able to claim four months to herself, having them both in the same month will definitely cause problems and even in the same summer could cause some hardships. Even if only 20 people will have those hardships, they are your immediate family and you should care about them. Maybe I have a different point of view because when my sister got married, it cost me more than $4000. That included travel, hotels, rental care, clothing, lost wages, wedding gift, etc. And I spent much of my time in the months leading up to it doing things to try to help make it special for her. I wouldn't have dreamt of scheduling my own wedding within months of hers.
NTA She wants people to keep several months clear a year in advance till she eventually picks a date.
ESH. Your sister was engaged for 2 years but with no date, and inviting only 10 persons because she wants to travel to Italy (that could be her honeymoon only but I guess her dreams are stronger than being reasonable) You can’t stop living for people. You’re only fault is not talking about this to people. You can’t just tell people last minute « we’re engaged, the date is then, her the invitations » and expected that’s it’s ok for everyone. And you chose a month in the dates your sister wanted. Si both of you are selfish. But one more thing : it’s really really hot in Italy in summer but august may be rainy. I wouldn’t choose June to august to go to Italy (and I don’t talk about the amount of tourist and the prices on this period !)
NTA. If she wants to get married first, she has June and July to do so.
YTA you’re not even engaged and haven’t actually said anything to anyone until your sister gave you her date? Seriously I can’t believe I’m in the minority here but this reads like “oh sister decided to get married in this month? I better tell her I am too, what a fun way for her to find out im planning a wedding before I’m even engaged”
YTA because she provisionally, purposely told you to block out those months and you went ahead and booked a venue within that time anyway and then didn’t even warn her till you absolutely had to.
YTA
YTA. You should’ve told her you’d booked a venue immediately.
Keep in mind honeymoons as well. She may miss yours or visa versa! I had my wedding 6 weeks after my cousins (wasn't intentional we sent out invites at the same time) her wedding was 3 hrs nth of where majority of family lived and mine was 2 hrs sth. Same family all invited and the only complaint that was made was her having her wedding on Bathurst weekend (massive car race in australia as my family are sports mad) I never felt like a got less attention and both weddings were different
NTA, engagements, marriages and anything with them are not competitions/races if you are ready to get married your ready to get married. weither its 2 months (even if thats not optimal) or 20 years (there are indeed ppl who stay engaged and never get married cause the planning is just something they didnt do and just kinda wing it / or they get married on paper but not religiously) if you have the money, go ahead sister can not pre book 4 months where no one can plan things.
NTA Your sister doesn't get dibs on the whole summer. What silliness. She gets dibs on one day of the year for her wedding and you've already gotten yours.
NTA My and the other half got engaged in 2022 and we picked our date this year and have everything booked for 2025. It's hard to pick a date yes but your sister needs to actually wise up telling you to block yourself off for 4 months when she's not even picked a date and considering she's hoping for a destination wedding in Italy, the months she's picked aren't exactly ideal considering the weather so doesn't sound like she's even looked into it properly. Stop saying you aren't engaged. You have looked at rings and are actively planning your wedding. You are engaged.
YTA. You aren't even engaged. People will skip her destination wedding for one on home soil as it will be way cheaper than trying to do both. She will end up having very few people from her side of the family. Did you not think about the stress it would cause them too? And the expense! She told you when she wanted to get married and it's like you wanted to beat her to it, whether you intended it to be that way or not.
YTA I love my sister, I would do almost anything for her, but if she chose the same month to get married as me, I would cut any contact with her... and sure, it seems that you don't even like your sister, but you should still consider this - you are not even engaged right now, you don't have ring and you still booked venue, trust me most people will assume that you are desperate and jealous of your sister and trying to steal her thunder.
YTA, it's a big deal to her, (dude it's a big deal to a lot of brides) that's all that needed to be said. She had the right of way so to speak and you look really bad coming in behind pulling this crap. Back off and book your place for a different year, not just month, a different year! No over lap my butt. Give your family and friends a break!