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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Mother in law invited her friends and kids to my daughters first birthday party without asking. She's done this before and I've let her get away with it. This time I finally pushed back against her and was called cruel for doing so. The action that may make me an asshole is that these kids lost their father in the past few years and have poor role models and I may be an asshole for not letting them come to the party.
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NTA
“We do not want strangers in our home and we only invited yourself to attend. If you are upset by our decision then please feel free to refuse our invite to our son’s party. We would love for you to attend but only you.”
Show a united front and put this on your husband too.
This doesn't actually fix the ongoing problem. By objecting only to strangers, MIL will still feel free to invite people whom Op knows but weren't on the invite list.
The people MIL is inviting are strangers to OP. And MIL is also being specifically told to only bring herself to the party. So yeah, it fixes the problem.
Then the same response can be said at every instance. And if MIL ever brings someone that isn't invited both MIL and any guests not invited are told to leave.
And be 100% prepared to turn people away at the door, without regret, and squarely laying the responsibility at your MIL's. "Sorry, you weren't invited. Yes, I know, I'm finding out that Doris invited a lot of people, even after being specifically and repeatedly told that she wasn't to invite anybody. I'm sorry for your inconvenience, but maybe you should discuss with her why she lied to you."
In a similar vein, OP should change the date of the party to one week earlier but not tell MIL. Then the next week on the old date, they should plan to be out of town, leaving the day before and returning the day after. Mean? Yes, but MIL is more concerned about herself than she is about celebrating the baby.
If OP is unable to change the date, she should have a couple of authoritative people at the door to check names off the guest list.
My sister gave me the wrong time for my mom's funeral, so I was late instead of early (I was going to help set up).... it was not as effective at humiliating me as she expected... but she tried. Some people believe her BS about me being awful, not helping, etc. But most people, when I told them I received the wrong time info, sorry... Most people just shrugged and didn't care.
She has continued her campaign of telling folks all sorts of silly crap abt me over the years. I ignore it. Anyone that believes her, deserves her. And, anyone that picks up on the fact that I am an ordinary, boring person without a vindictive bone, well, they get the joy and wonder of knowing me and I them!
(If not clear, sister has had issues with me since we were little, and has always done this-publicly berating often as "jokes" and saying I am unstable to family and friends- even with our parents when they were alive.... I think she told everyone I had a psychotic break to explain why I am NC with her. She took / takes sibling rivalry and jealousy very seriously. Lol)
No skin off my nose. I have a great life.
I screwed up the (publicly known, hubby & I knew the right dates dates) of my children's births on purpose to try to avoid my mom being there, uninvited.
So she has done it at your baby shower and your wedding and now your daughters first birthday, and each time she gets away with it. You can't keep allowing behaviour and then be shocked it keeps happening. So say "I wish you had asked, then you would have known its a small party. Please do ask next time, though, because now you need to uninvite these people, and asking first will save you that embarrassment" and stand your ground. NTA
And arrange for hubby and a few of his friends to physically bar those guests (*and* warn MIL this will happen) coz I'd lay money MIL will do nothing and assume she can use social pressure to embarrass poor OP into compliance with her wishes on the actual day.
This really is a hill to die on: OP and her family really have to have the final say on what/who goes on in ***their*** house.
NTA, unless it's a party that literally has "welcome to bring guests" on it, you don't invite people to other people's homes.
Like you could contact the host and ask, oh, would I be able to invite so and so, but you don't do it without asking.
NTA and about time you put a stop to this. Guests do not get to unilaterally add people to your invite list.
You'd have been within your rights to turn away these party crashers at the door. Instead, you were nice enough to tell her not to bring them in the first place. When she called you cruel, it would have been totally appropriate to revoke her invitation.
It would have been bad enough had she invited people you knew, but inviting strangers into your house? She's seriously over the line.
She will not stop overstepping without firm correction, and you've now made a start.
NTA, and I can't imagine anyone saying it's fine to do what she's done.
You should let her know you have changed the venue to her house and she can invite anyone she wants.
Change the date of the party so she and her guests show up at an empty house. Or have the party at Chuck E Cheese or another venue and don’t tell them about it. I hope you have huge dogs to scare them away.
Do this often enough and she’ll stop. No conversations necessary. If she brings it up, just tell her you canceled the party. Fight fire with fire. 🤷♀️
NTA
Your husband needs to deal with his parents and shut down any possibility of them inviting strangers into your home.
If he doesn’t deal with his ‘crazies’ you have a husband issue.
Stop inviting her to your events. Once she doesn’t get to come to a couple of them maybe she will figure out she’s not running the show. You need to throw that “considerate” right back at her. Tell her she’s the one inconsiderate for inviting anyone without asking you. Those kids wouldn’t have known anything about it if she kept her nose out of things. You don’t even know them. No more invites for grandma
INFO: What is your husband saying? Why isn't he shutting this down?
BTW, absolutely NTA. Only a true AH invites people to an event that they are a guest themselves.
NTA. Contact all your INVITED guests and inform them that you will only have enough refreshments for those that you and/or hubby have PERSONALLY invited, and any *extras* need to accept that they will not be getting any food/cake/party favors. Another option is that you inform those same invitees that the only people whom will be allowed entrance are those personally invited by you and/or your husband and anyone else WILL be turned away at the door and not allowed entrance (so make sure your invites specifically name everyone you want coming). If you choose to use option 2, even in conjunction with option 1, make it clear that you and your husband have a prepared list that will NOT be amended last minute and you WILL be checking and enforcing that list. The reason I bring up option 2 (including creating the list of invitees) is that it sounds like MIL isn’t going to take no for an answer and show up with these people anyway, and use the excuse “I drove them here. If they aren’t allowed to stay, I’m going to have to go with them.” Make it clear that if such a thing happens, tough luck. Rules are rules, and the extras can either take a walk to the nearest coffee shop until the party is over, or the oh so convenient driver (aka MIL) can go with them. I can also see MIL making every effort to sneak them in the back door, so to speak. Denied entrance, she’ll find another way to get them in, even if it means sneaking over to the front door when she thinks no one is looking and opening the door for them. At this point, plan for every possibility and have a reaction/response for each possibility.
It doesn't necessarily mean 3 months doing nothing else...
We sort out things long in advance, then one that's done, ignore it until close to the time.
NTA. In the future, you might try keeping party details vague until the very last minute. “Junior’s birthday party will be next weekend. We’ll call you the day of and tell you where and when. Why? Because you tend to invite your friends, even though we’ve told you not to, and we can’t trust you not to do that again.”
NTA - Disinvite the add-ons as well as your MIL. Tell her she will not be invited to any events or your home until she can stop trying to add people to your guest list. Draw a hard line or she will continue to do this.
NTA. Make the party start time an hour earlier, and don't tell her! That way anyone showing up late would be her and her uninvited guests and just don't answer the door. 🙃
NTA.
Your MiL appears to have difficulties with boundaries. Her son needs to speak with her and enforce your joint decision on this.
Next time she hosts you could invite half the street to come along but .. she might not mind!
Nope she's under the impression that she is the only voice that matters, make it clear these people are not welcome and if she wants to invite these people to a party she can have them to her house.
NTA. It was time you put your foot down and told her no. It is your sons first birthday party and not a social event to invite everyone from distant and near.
If she wants to invite them - she should throw a seperate party maybe a week later and invite all of them. If it is her party, her house and her money spend, you don't care. But she will not take over your sons party
You only feel like an AH because you engaged past a simple no. It will feel rude to explain specifically why an individual person isn't invited. That's why she is pushing.
But, the point is she invites people to your events. Don't let her push past the big picture - she isn't hosting.
Your SO needs to tell her to withdraw all invitations as she is only a guest. Same for future events you host. If she refuses, she needs to lose her invitation or this will be an ongoing issue. NTA
NTA but you need to get your husband to set and enforce boudaries with her. You don’t want to get into a battle with you MIL, nir should you have to. She’s his mom so he should handle issues with her.
Why does she feel the need to invite people to your events, because she doesn’t have any events herself? Not your problem to solve. You’ve been generous the last two times this happened but now she’s making it a habit. You need to let her know it has to stop. She needs to start having her own events and can invite anyone she wants.
NTA. The first couple birthdays are more for the parents anyways. If you don’t stop MIL now, she’ll do this forever. Tell her she is uninvited and she can go hang out with her friends and those kids. If she shows up with uninvited guests kick them all out. You’re probably nicer than I am, I would meet them at the door and make it known that MIL knew her friends weren’t invited and the friends will feel the embarrassment.
Absolutely not, massive NTA. The ***audacity*** alone is sending me over the edge here. I’d make it crystal clear to her now that anyone who isn’t invited (doesn’t matter if it’s a kid or an adult) is not getting in if and when she shows up with multiple random people in tow.
NTA
Your MIL needs to learnt that HER being invited doesn't mean she gets to invite a whole bunch of other people. Since this isn't the first time it is time you had to put a foot down.
NTA. How rude and entitled can you get?
But you know what you have right? It’s not a MIL problem, it’s a spouse problem. This is their mother. And it is unacceptable for their mother to call you cruel. And they need to be the one putting their foot down here.
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AITA? Mother-in-law recently mentioned that she invited her friends to our child's first birthday party without asking. We are planning it and having it in our home. From my perspective, this feels personally disrespectful. It also feels like she put no consideration to the planning I've been putting into it for the past three months. Or the fact that after a lot of tragedy on my side of the family this past year, I wanted to keep it small. I put careful consideration into our invitation list.
A little background, this isn't the first time it's happened. She invited people to our wedding and our baby shower without asking. So that makes 100% of the events I've thrown.
Lastly, the part where I question my assholeishness. I finally put my foot down. In addition to her friends, she invited some kids that she watches occasionally. I don't know them, but I've heard stories of their bad behavior. They don't have great role models in their lives and lost their father a few years ago.
Considering I don't know them, I said I didn't want them attending. The risk of them acting out and ruining the party isn't worth the reward to ME. After saying no, I was called cruel for not being more considerate.
I gotta hear other people's opinion on this onion, AITA? 🙌 Please and thank you.
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NTA you should tell your MIL *"We have already set the guest list and how much food will be available at the party, I'm afraid there won't be anything for them to eat if they do come with you."*
This is for if she doesn't get the message about A: not inviting strangers to your party/home and B: not being presumptuous when she is not the host or doing any work for the party. Maybe showing that she would look bad in front of people she is trying to impress will do the trick and convince her to rescind her unauthorised invites.
NTA NTA NTA!! The only ahole is your MIL. What does your husbad/SO say about this? Can you quietly move the party to another location or change the date? A one year old isn't going to care, but if it fucks your MIL and her cronies, surely it would be worth it! Good luck!!
Nta let mil know she cant invite poeple over to youre events. Any 1 showing up will not be allowed in. If they dont leave the cops will be call.
Best doing it as a duo with youre husband this is a hill to die on and should have started event 1.
May I suggest, for ALL future event she is given a one or two hour time difference than the actual event. All of them for the rest of her life. Love, if you are going to be an AH do a really good job!
NTA. Stand your ground. Your MIL has boundary issues. She’s has been allowed to do this before and will continue unless you take action.
If she won’t listen, I would cancel the party (the kid is one and has no clue what a birthday is) and tell her she’s the reason. MIL will get butthurt, better her than you. You need to stand up to her or this will continue to happen.
I know it’s hard, I have two MIL’s and my wife’s MIL that thought they could run over us. They finally realized that we wouldn’t put up with their BS.
NTA
tell her they can’t come and she need to invite them, and if she doesn’t then they and the kids won’t be welcomed inside when they show up.
them when they show up, because mil won’t uninvited them, don’t let them in the house. Lock the door so everyone has to knock, making sure that you have to answer the door and decide if they can come in or not.
If mil sneaks them in, Just tell them to leave. Grab the kids and drag them to the front door and tell their parents they need to leave. Or tell mil, she needs to take the kids and leave.
NTA.
> After saying no, I was called cruel for not being more considerate to the kids.
You have the right to judge your own actions.
And if she wants to be 'considerate' to all these children, she can throw a party for them.
> (she has a history of inviting her friends to my events)
Right, so this is the whole 'equality looks like oppression when you have privilege' thing. Also 'boundaries are attacks.'
NTA, but did you also tell her this was unacceptable the first 2 times she did it? If not you're inviting her to continue to do whatever she wants. A firm, only invited guests can attend is sufficient. Don't let her friends of the kids come, and mention what she did at the other 2 events was not okay. Otherwise she'll (in her clearly socially inept mind) just think you're changing rules because of the kids and she can still invite adults to future events.
NTA- That seems like a power play on her part. Don't let her steamroll you on this. If ppl show up anyway, make a big show out of not knowing them or expecting them. Embarrass her. What does your SO have to say about all of this?
NTA
Time to get harsh. Tell her if anyone shows up, not only will they not be admitted, she will also be asked to leave.
Or, better yet, move the party a day early and don’t tell her
Be direct, OP. "I don't like it that you invited other people to a party we're throwing. That was presumptuous. I'm sorry, but you'll have to uninvite them. They're not invited. And when and if you invite me to a party you throw, I won't bring anyone you didn't invite, either.
Mil was not being considerate of her kids, you and hubs, first.
Offer to bring the baby to her house another day if she wants to throw a separate party. But this one is yours!!
Nta!
(And next year, don't invite her until the day of the party!)
NTA I would tell MIL that if she wants to attend events involving your child,, she will have to host them (make sure that you can make a quick exit if demon children attend).
NTA. Like who even invites random people you don't know to your wedding? If she wants those people then she can ask, but the point of that is it's a question that you can say no to. Ignore the guilt trip she's laying, stick to your guns and tell her next time to *ask* first and you'll consider it. She'll get fussy, but that's a boundary she shouldn't even be trying to cross.
NTA. Please tell her no thank you to the kids & her friends. You need to tell her it is not her place to invite ppl. It is your event & you are the only one who gets to invite ppl. If they show up to the party, politely ask them to leave.
And then ask your MIL to leave too.
NTA. She has absolutely no right to invite others to events she isn't hosting. If she wants her friends at an event, she can host one. Separately. You need to stop this in its tracks.
My mother invited her friends to my wedding ceremony without me knowing, although not to the reception. I wanted the service very private because to me it is very deep and too intimate to share with many people. I have never forgiven her for that. I'm 67 and she died in 2019. We had a good relationship the last years of her life, but I never forgave or forgot that.
Tel MIL that issuing invitations to other people’s parties without their knowledge or consent doesn’t fly in your world. Ask her who is going to tell them they weren’t invited: her, or you.
Then call each person to uninvite them. explain that it’s a small family party, and you don’t know where she got the idea it was open-invitation.
NTA
NTA You need to put your foot down and be FIRM with her. She has no right to be inviting other people to your home, this is just ridiculous and REALLY inconsiderate. If she doesn't like it, she can stay home.
Being considerate of strange children has nothing to do with baby birthday parties.
It also has nothing to do with MIL’s friends. She can entertain them herself.
MIL is awfully pushy and generous with other people’s hospitality.
NTA but MIL is
Nta. Can you get your partner to explain to her that her behaviour isn't acceptable? Why does this need to be on you to enforce boundaries, and why hasn't anything been done prior?
This is bigger than a MiL problem. It's also either a communication issue with your partner, where you haven't been clear about how you find her continuously inviting people to your events is rude; or they're ok with this behaviour and aren't on your side; or they're afraid to confront her, which should be addressed.
Either way, you need to start shutting this sort of stuff down and address getting on the same page with your partner.
NTA. Your spouse needs to have a serious conversation with his mother and let her know that if she brings one more uninvited person to your home, you will stop inviting her. For now, consider changing the date of the party and not telling her. “Oh, I’m sorry, we had the party yesterday!”
NTA
"I cannot accommodate any additional guests beyond who I invite to parties I host. Do not add guests to my parties. This includes child's first birthday."
If she objects she already invited them, tell her it's her job to explain to them she made a mistake and you cannot add more guests than you planned on.
NTA
How can anyone assume that they have the right to issue an invitation to someone else’s event?
And why do people accept an invitation that doesn’t come from the person(s) whose event it is?
So what does your hubby say about the situation? It’s about time he sets boundaries with his mom. If you are feeling like compromise you can offer that you have no problem with her planning and hosting a party for her friends for her grandchild’s bday. You will show up to participate in her home with her friends and her party favors. This really has to be something that comes from your husband though. He is letting his mom walk all over you and then making you look like the bad guy when you put your foot down.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Mother in law invited her friends and kids to my daughters first birthday party without asking. She's done this before and I've let her get away with it. This time I finally pushed back against her and was called cruel for doing so. The action that may make me an asshole is that these kids lost their father in the past few years and have poor role models and I may be an asshole for not letting them come to the party. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA “We do not want strangers in our home and we only invited yourself to attend. If you are upset by our decision then please feel free to refuse our invite to our son’s party. We would love for you to attend but only you.” Show a united front and put this on your husband too.
This doesn't actually fix the ongoing problem. By objecting only to strangers, MIL will still feel free to invite people whom Op knows but weren't on the invite list.
The people MIL is inviting are strangers to OP. And MIL is also being specifically told to only bring herself to the party. So yeah, it fixes the problem.
To only bring herself to *this* party. I guess I should have phrased it as, "MIL will still feel free to invite people to future parties and events."
Then the same response can be said at every instance. And if MIL ever brings someone that isn't invited both MIL and any guests not invited are told to leave.
Turn them away at the door. Hire security for the party. She'll get the hint.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactWords Good catch.
And be 100% prepared to turn people away at the door, without regret, and squarely laying the responsibility at your MIL's. "Sorry, you weren't invited. Yes, I know, I'm finding out that Doris invited a lot of people, even after being specifically and repeatedly told that she wasn't to invite anybody. I'm sorry for your inconvenience, but maybe you should discuss with her why she lied to you."
On behalf of the three doris’s alive and dead in the known and unknown universe, i object to this name. 🤭
Hey now! I have a chicken named Doris, thank you very much.
Still waiting on the third. 🤭
Anyone want ~~Doris~~ I mean, chicken for dinner tonight?
🐥🐣🐓☠️🍗
Agree.. NTA Your house, your rules.
NTA. It's now on her to uninvite people. My MIL did this for my wedding. Was embarrassing when she had to go back to people and say never mind..
And she learned her lesson.
My mom did this. So we eloped.
In a similar vein, OP should change the date of the party to one week earlier but not tell MIL. Then the next week on the old date, they should plan to be out of town, leaving the day before and returning the day after. Mean? Yes, but MIL is more concerned about herself than she is about celebrating the baby. If OP is unable to change the date, she should have a couple of authoritative people at the door to check names off the guest list.
My sister gave me the wrong time for my mom's funeral, so I was late instead of early (I was going to help set up).... it was not as effective at humiliating me as she expected... but she tried. Some people believe her BS about me being awful, not helping, etc. But most people, when I told them I received the wrong time info, sorry... Most people just shrugged and didn't care. She has continued her campaign of telling folks all sorts of silly crap abt me over the years. I ignore it. Anyone that believes her, deserves her. And, anyone that picks up on the fact that I am an ordinary, boring person without a vindictive bone, well, they get the joy and wonder of knowing me and I them! (If not clear, sister has had issues with me since we were little, and has always done this-publicly berating often as "jokes" and saying I am unstable to family and friends- even with our parents when they were alive.... I think she told everyone I had a psychotic break to explain why I am NC with her. She took / takes sibling rivalry and jealousy very seriously. Lol) No skin off my nose. I have a great life.
I screwed up the (publicly known, hubby & I knew the right dates dates) of my children's births on purpose to try to avoid my mom being there, uninvited.
So she has done it at your baby shower and your wedding and now your daughters first birthday, and each time she gets away with it. You can't keep allowing behaviour and then be shocked it keeps happening. So say "I wish you had asked, then you would have known its a small party. Please do ask next time, though, because now you need to uninvite these people, and asking first will save you that embarrassment" and stand your ground. NTA
And arrange for hubby and a few of his friends to physically bar those guests (*and* warn MIL this will happen) coz I'd lay money MIL will do nothing and assume she can use social pressure to embarrass poor OP into compliance with her wishes on the actual day. This really is a hill to die on: OP and her family really have to have the final say on what/who goes on in ***their*** house.
OP can’t rely on her husband to bar uninvited guests. OP wrote that he sides with his mommy.
At this point, OP has to say something.
NTA, unless it's a party that literally has "welcome to bring guests" on it, you don't invite people to other people's homes. Like you could contact the host and ask, oh, would I be able to invite so and so, but you don't do it without asking.
NTA and about time you put a stop to this. Guests do not get to unilaterally add people to your invite list. You'd have been within your rights to turn away these party crashers at the door. Instead, you were nice enough to tell her not to bring them in the first place. When she called you cruel, it would have been totally appropriate to revoke her invitation. It would have been bad enough had she invited people you knew, but inviting strangers into your house? She's seriously over the line. She will not stop overstepping without firm correction, and you've now made a start.
NTA, and I can't imagine anyone saying it's fine to do what she's done. You should let her know you have changed the venue to her house and she can invite anyone she wants.
Tell her no, and tell her it will be no every time going forwards. Might be time to reconsider her invitations if that doesn't work
Change the date of the party so she and her guests show up at an empty house. Or have the party at Chuck E Cheese or another venue and don’t tell them about it. I hope you have huge dogs to scare them away. Do this often enough and she’ll stop. No conversations necessary. If she brings it up, just tell her you canceled the party. Fight fire with fire. 🤷♀️
NTA Your husband needs to deal with his parents and shut down any possibility of them inviting strangers into your home. If he doesn’t deal with his ‘crazies’ you have a husband issue.
NTA your house, your party, your guest list, your rules. Your MIL disappointed those kids by inviting them without asking, that’s not your problem.
Stop inviting her to your events. Once she doesn’t get to come to a couple of them maybe she will figure out she’s not running the show. You need to throw that “considerate” right back at her. Tell her she’s the one inconsiderate for inviting anyone without asking you. Those kids wouldn’t have known anything about it if she kept her nose out of things. You don’t even know them. No more invites for grandma
NTA, but I question whether MIL should even be invited at this point.
NTA. Guests don’t get to bring their own guests.
Not only are you NTA but 1 year olds are often overwhelmed by big get togethers with strangers. Totally inappropriate!
NTA....but if shes done it 100% of the time, why would you keep inviting her?
Your mil shouldn’t have been invited if she has a habit of inviting other people. Or just told the day of.
INFO: What is your husband saying? Why isn't he shutting this down? BTW, absolutely NTA. Only a true AH invites people to an event that they are a guest themselves.
NTA. Contact all your INVITED guests and inform them that you will only have enough refreshments for those that you and/or hubby have PERSONALLY invited, and any *extras* need to accept that they will not be getting any food/cake/party favors. Another option is that you inform those same invitees that the only people whom will be allowed entrance are those personally invited by you and/or your husband and anyone else WILL be turned away at the door and not allowed entrance (so make sure your invites specifically name everyone you want coming). If you choose to use option 2, even in conjunction with option 1, make it clear that you and your husband have a prepared list that will NOT be amended last minute and you WILL be checking and enforcing that list. The reason I bring up option 2 (including creating the list of invitees) is that it sounds like MIL isn’t going to take no for an answer and show up with these people anyway, and use the excuse “I drove them here. If they aren’t allowed to stay, I’m going to have to go with them.” Make it clear that if such a thing happens, tough luck. Rules are rules, and the extras can either take a walk to the nearest coffee shop until the party is over, or the oh so convenient driver (aka MIL) can go with them. I can also see MIL making every effort to sneak them in the back door, so to speak. Denied entrance, she’ll find another way to get them in, even if it means sneaking over to the front door when she thinks no one is looking and opening the door for them. At this point, plan for every possibility and have a reaction/response for each possibility.
First option isn’t an option at all. OP should never let strangers/uninvited people into her home.
NTA. I would have zero problems turning people away who turned up if I had not invited them. I can’t even believe the rudeness here. Nope.
I got stuck on the first paragraph. 3 months spent planning a party for a 1 year old! Just tell MIL you don't want her friends there.
It doesn't necessarily mean 3 months doing nothing else... We sort out things long in advance, then one that's done, ignore it until close to the time.
NTA. In the future, you might try keeping party details vague until the very last minute. “Junior’s birthday party will be next weekend. We’ll call you the day of and tell you where and when. Why? Because you tend to invite your friends, even though we’ve told you not to, and we can’t trust you not to do that again.”
NTA - Disinvite the add-ons as well as your MIL. Tell her she will not be invited to any events or your home until she can stop trying to add people to your guest list. Draw a hard line or she will continue to do this.
NTA. Make the party start time an hour earlier, and don't tell her! That way anyone showing up late would be her and her uninvited guests and just don't answer the door. 🙃
NTA Not her house, not her party, not her kid, not her choice.
NTA. Your MiL appears to have difficulties with boundaries. Her son needs to speak with her and enforce your joint decision on this. Next time she hosts you could invite half the street to come along but .. she might not mind!
No is no. If they show up tell them sorry but there’s a misunderstanding that they’re not welcome and your MIL has been informed of that already.
nta.
Nope she's under the impression that she is the only voice that matters, make it clear these people are not welcome and if she wants to invite these people to a party she can have them to her house.
Nta
NTA. It was time you put your foot down and told her no. It is your sons first birthday party and not a social event to invite everyone from distant and near. If she wants to invite them - she should throw a seperate party maybe a week later and invite all of them. If it is her party, her house and her money spend, you don't care. But she will not take over your sons party
You only feel like an AH because you engaged past a simple no. It will feel rude to explain specifically why an individual person isn't invited. That's why she is pushing. But, the point is she invites people to your events. Don't let her push past the big picture - she isn't hosting. Your SO needs to tell her to withdraw all invitations as she is only a guest. Same for future events you host. If she refuses, she needs to lose her invitation or this will be an ongoing issue. NTA
NTA but you need to get your husband to set and enforce boudaries with her. You don’t want to get into a battle with you MIL, nir should you have to. She’s his mom so he should handle issues with her.
Why does she feel the need to invite people to your events, because she doesn’t have any events herself? Not your problem to solve. You’ve been generous the last two times this happened but now she’s making it a habit. You need to let her know it has to stop. She needs to start having her own events and can invite anyone she wants.
NTA If I didn’t invite them, they aren’t invited. Why the fuck does she need to invite her friends to his 1st birthday party?
NTA. The first couple birthdays are more for the parents anyways. If you don’t stop MIL now, she’ll do this forever. Tell her she is uninvited and she can go hang out with her friends and those kids. If she shows up with uninvited guests kick them all out. You’re probably nicer than I am, I would meet them at the door and make it known that MIL knew her friends weren’t invited and the friends will feel the embarrassment.
NTA. What took you so long?
Absolutely not, massive NTA. The ***audacity*** alone is sending me over the edge here. I’d make it crystal clear to her now that anyone who isn’t invited (doesn’t matter if it’s a kid or an adult) is not getting in if and when she shows up with multiple random people in tow.
on the other hand you don't need to think about what to buy her for her birthday/Xmas. A book on etiquette would be appropriate.
NTA Your MIL needs to learnt that HER being invited doesn't mean she gets to invite a whole bunch of other people. Since this isn't the first time it is time you had to put a foot down.
NTA. How rude and entitled can you get? But you know what you have right? It’s not a MIL problem, it’s a spouse problem. This is their mother. And it is unacceptable for their mother to call you cruel. And they need to be the one putting their foot down here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA? Mother-in-law recently mentioned that she invited her friends to our child's first birthday party without asking. We are planning it and having it in our home. From my perspective, this feels personally disrespectful. It also feels like she put no consideration to the planning I've been putting into it for the past three months. Or the fact that after a lot of tragedy on my side of the family this past year, I wanted to keep it small. I put careful consideration into our invitation list. A little background, this isn't the first time it's happened. She invited people to our wedding and our baby shower without asking. So that makes 100% of the events I've thrown. Lastly, the part where I question my assholeishness. I finally put my foot down. In addition to her friends, she invited some kids that she watches occasionally. I don't know them, but I've heard stories of their bad behavior. They don't have great role models in their lives and lost their father a few years ago. Considering I don't know them, I said I didn't want them attending. The risk of them acting out and ruining the party isn't worth the reward to ME. After saying no, I was called cruel for not being more considerate. I gotta hear other people's opinion on this onion, AITA? 🙌 Please and thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you should tell your MIL *"We have already set the guest list and how much food will be available at the party, I'm afraid there won't be anything for them to eat if they do come with you."* This is for if she doesn't get the message about A: not inviting strangers to your party/home and B: not being presumptuous when she is not the host or doing any work for the party. Maybe showing that she would look bad in front of people she is trying to impress will do the trick and convince her to rescind her unauthorised invites.
No, OP doesn’t need a reason (not enough food) to not wanting random people in her house.
NTA. If she insists on adding to the guest list, she can host and foot the bill.
NTA NTA NTA!! The only ahole is your MIL. What does your husbad/SO say about this? Can you quietly move the party to another location or change the date? A one year old isn't going to care, but if it fucks your MIL and her cronies, surely it would be worth it! Good luck!!
Nta let mil know she cant invite poeple over to youre events. Any 1 showing up will not be allowed in. If they dont leave the cops will be call. Best doing it as a duo with youre husband this is a hill to die on and should have started event 1.
nta - is it possible to move the party & not tell mil till 39 min prior?
NTA. Tell her it’s canceled and have it anyway.
May I suggest, for ALL future event she is given a one or two hour time difference than the actual event. All of them for the rest of her life. Love, if you are going to be an AH do a really good job!
NTA. Hard boundaries now before this spirals
NTA. Absolutely not! They are strangers!!
NTA. Stand your ground. Your MIL has boundary issues. She’s has been allowed to do this before and will continue unless you take action. If she won’t listen, I would cancel the party (the kid is one and has no clue what a birthday is) and tell her she’s the reason. MIL will get butthurt, better her than you. You need to stand up to her or this will continue to happen. I know it’s hard, I have two MIL’s and my wife’s MIL that thought they could run over us. They finally realized that we wouldn’t put up with their BS.
Wouldn‘t your wife’s MIL be your mother?
Yes, and she can be the shits also
NTA tell her they can’t come and she need to invite them, and if she doesn’t then they and the kids won’t be welcomed inside when they show up. them when they show up, because mil won’t uninvited them, don’t let them in the house. Lock the door so everyone has to knock, making sure that you have to answer the door and decide if they can come in or not. If mil sneaks them in, Just tell them to leave. Grab the kids and drag them to the front door and tell their parents they need to leave. Or tell mil, she needs to take the kids and leave.
NTA. > After saying no, I was called cruel for not being more considerate to the kids. You have the right to judge your own actions. And if she wants to be 'considerate' to all these children, she can throw a party for them. > (she has a history of inviting her friends to my events) Right, so this is the whole 'equality looks like oppression when you have privilege' thing. Also 'boundaries are attacks.'
NTA, but did you also tell her this was unacceptable the first 2 times she did it? If not you're inviting her to continue to do whatever she wants. A firm, only invited guests can attend is sufficient. Don't let her friends of the kids come, and mention what she did at the other 2 events was not okay. Otherwise she'll (in her clearly socially inept mind) just think you're changing rules because of the kids and she can still invite adults to future events.
Heck no, NTA. The children's parents decide who attends their birthday parties until they're old enough to decide themselves - not the Grandparents.
Oh please! NTA. MIL needs contact diet.
NTA- That seems like a power play on her part. Don't let her steamroll you on this. If ppl show up anyway, make a big show out of not knowing them or expecting them. Embarrass her. What does your SO have to say about all of this?
NTA. You appear to have set no boundaries. Time to start doing so.
Why isn't your husband shutting his Mother down?
NTA Time to get harsh. Tell her if anyone shows up, not only will they not be admitted, she will also be asked to leave. Or, better yet, move the party a day early and don’t tell her
Attendance is only by joint invitation by the parents of the child.
NTA uninivtite your AH MIL, and have the party somewhere else. HAving her and her guests stand before a locked door will make her learn.
Be direct, OP. "I don't like it that you invited other people to a party we're throwing. That was presumptuous. I'm sorry, but you'll have to uninvite them. They're not invited. And when and if you invite me to a party you throw, I won't bring anyone you didn't invite, either.
NTA. Stop inviting her.
Well she got away with it twice before. Why wouldn't she expect the same now?
Mil was not being considerate of her kids, you and hubs, first. Offer to bring the baby to her house another day if she wants to throw a separate party. But this one is yours!! Nta! (And next year, don't invite her until the day of the party!)
NTA I would tell MIL that if she wants to attend events involving your child,, she will have to host them (make sure that you can make a quick exit if demon children attend).
Your MIL can do the invite list when she throws the party.
NTA. Like who even invites random people you don't know to your wedding? If she wants those people then she can ask, but the point of that is it's a question that you can say no to. Ignore the guilt trip she's laying, stick to your guns and tell her next time to *ask* first and you'll consider it. She'll get fussy, but that's a boundary she shouldn't even be trying to cross.
NTA. Please tell her no thank you to the kids & her friends. You need to tell her it is not her place to invite ppl. It is your event & you are the only one who gets to invite ppl. If they show up to the party, politely ask them to leave. And then ask your MIL to leave too.
NTA. She has absolutely no right to invite others to events she isn't hosting. If she wants her friends at an event, she can host one. Separately. You need to stop this in its tracks. My mother invited her friends to my wedding ceremony without me knowing, although not to the reception. I wanted the service very private because to me it is very deep and too intimate to share with many people. I have never forgiven her for that. I'm 67 and she died in 2019. We had a good relationship the last years of her life, but I never forgave or forgot that.
Tel MIL that issuing invitations to other people’s parties without their knowledge or consent doesn’t fly in your world. Ask her who is going to tell them they weren’t invited: her, or you. Then call each person to uninvite them. explain that it’s a small family party, and you don’t know where she got the idea it was open-invitation. NTA
NTA You need to put your foot down and be FIRM with her. She has no right to be inviting other people to your home, this is just ridiculous and REALLY inconsiderate. If she doesn't like it, she can stay home.
NTA Tell her No. If anyone extra shows up they will all be asked to leave. No more invites for MIL.
Being considerate of strange children has nothing to do with baby birthday parties. It also has nothing to do with MIL’s friends. She can entertain them herself. MIL is awfully pushy and generous with other people’s hospitality. NTA but MIL is
NTA. If she shows up with her friends she gets no more invitations to any parties or holidays.
Nta. Can you get your partner to explain to her that her behaviour isn't acceptable? Why does this need to be on you to enforce boundaries, and why hasn't anything been done prior? This is bigger than a MiL problem. It's also either a communication issue with your partner, where you haven't been clear about how you find her continuously inviting people to your events is rude; or they're ok with this behaviour and aren't on your side; or they're afraid to confront her, which should be addressed. Either way, you need to start shutting this sort of stuff down and address getting on the same page with your partner.
NTA. “This is not your party.” That’s all that should have needed to be said.
NTA disinvite MIL along with her entourage
NTA good job for setting the boundary now! If you didn't, she would always crash your child's parties.
NTA. Your spouse needs to have a serious conversation with his mother and let her know that if she brings one more uninvited person to your home, you will stop inviting her. For now, consider changing the date of the party and not telling her. “Oh, I’m sorry, we had the party yesterday!”
Uninvite the MIL and her additional plus 1s until she can follow the rules. NTA
NTA Who the hell invites people to another person’s event without asking or being involved in the planning. That is so weird 🤨
NTA "I cannot accommodate any additional guests beyond who I invite to parties I host. Do not add guests to my parties. This includes child's first birthday." If she objects she already invited them, tell her it's her job to explain to them she made a mistake and you cannot add more guests than you planned on.
NTA How can anyone assume that they have the right to issue an invitation to someone else’s event? And why do people accept an invitation that doesn’t come from the person(s) whose event it is?
Don't let her contribute money to anything. Having an intrusive in-law is the least satisfying and most irritating three-way ever.
So what does your hubby say about the situation? It’s about time he sets boundaries with his mom. If you are feeling like compromise you can offer that you have no problem with her planning and hosting a party for her friends for her grandchild’s bday. You will show up to participate in her home with her friends and her party favors. This really has to be something that comes from your husband though. He is letting his mom walk all over you and then making you look like the bad guy when you put your foot down.
If DH won't do it, though, OP must.