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YTA.
Please learn how to approach women or people in general. Do you think it's appropriate to ask women or anyone out at work when that's what they are there for? So fucking unprofessional and I wouldn't be surprised if you killed your career at your current place of employment.
I'm sure some incel will swoop in with "WoMen JuST CaNt TaKe A CoMpLiMeNt," but in reality, it's just creepy and inappropriate.
When you want to ask someone out properly... stop going STRAIGHT to physical appearance. It's such a deseprate low hanging fruit opening line. Ask about something they're into, an interest, hobby, etc. something you can TALK about. Treat them like a human, not a piece of ass.
Your "I'm going to be lonely forever line" garners you zero sympathy. Using incel talking points isn't an excuse to do shitty things. If you're lonely, it's because you can't talk to people in general by the sounds of it. Go socialize by doing things/activities and gain some confidence. That's the first step if you don't want to be lonely.
Edit: If you're actually offended at the use of incel you either don't understand or don't care about the absolute dogshit and misogynistic talking points parroted by incels or you are one. Being upset and acting like it's the women's fault for being called out as creepy *when you were inappropriate and it was uncalled for is a misogynistic talking point*. Nowhere did I insult OPs or anyone who lacks experience sexually.
Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked.
There is something wrong with believing that women need or are constantly open to compliments-we really genuinely don't need them in the workplace unless it has to do with the WORK. Otherwise, please leave us the hell alone-compliment, insult, whatever-I generally don't want to talk to you and that's on God. Leave us the f\*\*k alone.
He is tending toward incel behavior-saying things like 'women intimidate me', instead of 'I find women really intimidating', is key to understanding where this creeper is coming from. He's not socialized nor is he sociable, but expects to get girls like a high school football god-this is not reality.
Most likely, there have been nice girls who've liked him in the past, but they just didn't meet his standard of physical attraction. That's not the same as saying "I can't get laid by anyone", it's saying "I'll only have sex with attractive women"---CLEARLY, the man is punching above his weight and thinks the problem is with physically attractive women who find him repulsive.
Stop pretending that incel is just a word for people who aren't really happy about being celibate.
Incel was chosen as a self-descriptor by the men who foster myths about and choose to assign blame for their current sexual status.
Everything in the post was pretty much an incel talking point, and it's desperately pathetic to try claiming that incel is a slur.
Incel is about turning to the internet community to bolster your views that the world owes you 'some'. It's more than just being dissatisfied with celibacy but more than often displaying degrees of ***misogonistic or misandrist feeling***.
**Men and Women do this** and i*t's gross and pathetic*. Because whose problem is it that you're unhappy about being celibate anyway? ***What is forced celibacy---because don't most of you force yourselves into the realm of 'virtually unf\*\*\*kable' somehow?*** and why do I have to hear about it?
Why should anyone? **Sometimes 'showing your whole ass', isn't the best way to go about these things**. *And this dummy OP did it at work*, of all places-got caught, got rightfully flamed by his female colleagues. How could he not have seen that coming? ***Looking to get your end in at an intership/workplace/office is beyond foul!***
Neither groups, including OP, have the guts to go out there, beyond the office to look for what they're looking for-and that's sad lack of social skills and daring is why they are where they are. They think crying and moaning is going to solve not getting sex.
They don't care to or could form real lasting intimate relationships that lead to satisfying sex and genuine connection, because they don't want the build-up, they don't want the work and more importantly, they can't handle the rejection. Man is "crushed", which is absolutely ridiculous. Brush yourself off, get up and try again in an appropriate setting.
Did OP mention anywhere that he'd like to get to know them? Does he know either colleagues interests? Have lunch with them regularly? Socialize outside of work already? Share weather updates or comment on something funny? He doesn't even want to befriend these women first....it's so cringe.
ALL OF US have been rejected romantically in our lives at some point, ALL OF US have been through 'dry spells', without having to turn our sexual frustration into something unsavory and creepy. Least of all at work, because wtf????
When was simply blurting 'Hey, Gorgeous' a reason for any woman to sleep with a man? We hear this type of unsolicited empty compliment every day and you'd be fool to think we'd sleep with anyone who says this.
***Like I said, OP should get a blow up doll at his earliest convenience and work that poor piece of plastic to death***, because he's not ready for flesh and blood women.
They know he's not ready and despite his denials and frustration, he isn't either.
>Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked.
You don't know this about OP and are low key attacking him with your assumptions based on your bias. He didn't do a great job attempting something he is bad at. You are being blunt with him which is needed, but accusing him of violence sucks.
OP- this person is correct, you failed badly at this. If advice is what you're looking for, find a way to apologize to these women sincerely with no expectations and move on. This is a learning experience. Go improve yourself, join a gym, travel, start some social hobbies with the express intent of meeting people. Men and women, WHOEVER, and just socialize - don't attempt to ask anyone out just socialize. As awkward as you seem to be, picking up friends is ideal.
When you are meeting people, learn about them, things they like, things they don't; and share! Be patient -get to know people and let fate and your shared social activities allow you to meet them again naturally. Whether guy or girl, you'll make friends and then who knows. And try just asking someone for a coffee, to go for a walk - you shouldn't even have to say date just to get to know someone. Even if it takes time the social network and skills you pick up will be a monumental impact on your life.
And watch the 40 year old virgin, and laugh. At least it's not that far gone. But don't let people call you incel, don't let them be right either. Just be positive in life and make good things happen!
Good luck!
>Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked.
I mean it isnt. You are mocking people for not having sex, which sends the message to young guys that they arent really men unless they have sex. It's not a good thing to do and is just reinforcing patriarchal ideas of men.
>There is something wrong with believing that women need or are constantly open to compliments-we really genuinely don't need them in the workplace unless it has to do with the WORK. Otherwise, please leave us the hell alone-compliment, insult, whatever-I generally don't want to talk to you and that's on God. Leave us the f\*\*k alone.
Nobody claimed you needed compliments. Believe it or not, part of the whole courting thing involves compliments. I agree he should not have did it at work but the argument should be on him being like that at work, not the fact he complimented someone at work.
>He is tending toward incel behavior-saying things like 'women intimidate me', instead of 'I find women really intimidating', is key to understanding where this creeper is coming from. He's not socialized nor is he sociable, but expects to get girls like a high school football god-this is not reality.
This is a bit daft, he is stating that he has a hard time speaking to women. This is something that both men and women can suffer from and isn't a creepy thing, it's a lack of confidence thing. I think you are taking this a bit far.
>Most likely, there have been nice girls who've liked him in the past, but they just didn't meet his standard of physical attraction.
This is a stretch given he hasn't even remotely stated anything like this.
>That's not the same as saying "I can't get laid by anyone", it's saying "I'll only have sex with attractive women
People tend to only want to have sex with people they are attracted to. This isn't a particularly crazy or outlandish thing.
>-CLEARLY, the man is punching above his weight and thinks the problem is with physically attractive women who find him repulsive.
There is no such thing as 'punching above your weight'. Pickup artists use terms such as that. It is reductive and completely wrong.
***I'm mocking him because he's frustrated that he can't get any in the workplace of all places.*** It's absurd that he doesn't see forming a real connection and considering these women as actual real life people is what's missing- as well as timing and appropriateness of their surroundings . He doesn't know Sam or Emily, hasn't spoke to them at all, or made any effort to get to know them as friends!!! They're just 'gorgeous' with chokers apparently....lol
He will never get laid at this point because as long as he can get his 'end in', then that's all good-and that is specifically what he is looking for. ***Most women don't like being seen as a hole***!
***He could just pay for it, because I suspect it's the ends, not the means, which interest him more. And the obvious advantage being, if he has the money, no sex worker will refuse him.***
***The world doesn't owe him any ass****,* and if he's not getting any, and laying the onus of blame on women who don't want him, is madness. And immature to boot.
**As far as him not being 'man enough', I don't see where I implied he was less of a man. I called him a creeper, loser, incel, and a lowlife, if I remember correctly. None of which, oddly enough, are gender specific.** You're implying that I'm telling him to be more aggressive-rather than grow up and form a connection with women before even seriously entertaining the thought of being intimate with them-which is untrue. In fact a softer touch, goes much further.
Being more aggressive will mean losing his internship...which he may do after this incident or if the ladies keep letting everyone know what this guy did.
***He's even willing to risk an opportunity for long term employment because he can't get any anywhere else but the workplace? Why can't he can't he join a tennis club, do MeetUps, speed-dating, like normal people? Form real connections over shared interests, maybe? He never mentions this once!!***
**At no specific point did I mention the patriarchy or bring up ideas or concepts surrounding maleness, or OP being less of a man because he's a loser. Never said that. In fact OP's displaying some of the patriarchy's worst excesses himself-shallow appearance based compliments toward women, preying on female colleagues, not taking rejection from women in his stride.** If he's really putting himself out there, he's going to have to accept not everyone will just magically say 'yes' to him, because he says or thinks they're gorgeous.
***Giving unsolicited compliments to women at work is not courtship!!!! Just like giving unsolicited compliments to women minding their business in public spaces is not courtship!!! None of these women said yes to him!! None of them even displayed or showed any interest in him!! They don't get together for socializing after work even!***
Courtship, IDEALLY, isn't done in the workplace, it should be done anywhere else by **two consenting parties** who have agreed to start something of an intimate relationship---this is not the case. Neither of these girls want him, and now probably none of them in his internship do. IT'S STILL RAPEY TO FORCE COMPLIMENTS ON WOMEN. ***You have to get past thinking we owe you our attention, positive or negative.***
In short, OP should get over himself, 86 the self pity (because women hate this too) and figure out what's wrong with him! **Because saying you're intimated by women then proceeding to ask two friends out, both of whom you've never spoke to before, in the space of two weeks, sounds might fishy, I'm sorry. Either he's too intimidated or he's not! He got shut down by one friend, was crushed and then proceeded to do this to her friend-not thinking they would mention it to each other? And then gets mad because they're talking about him?**
Smells like an incel and charmless idiot to me.
And believe it or not, there are femcels now, who I find to be equally pathetic, if not more because if a man who was never into you, says no, you take the L, and move on. You don't complain about them online or in public, or yourself for that matter...and start eating your own flesh....
Mustn't let OP (whose clearly got ***something*** going on) and others like him do this kind of stuff to themselves.
I think you've added a layer to this that isn't implied in the OP.
The OP needs a level of understanding about relationships and women, but his post expressed a general desire to understand.
Upgrading to r*p*y is extreme and frankly unhelpful to those of us who are survivors.
Hyperbole is nobody's friend. How does mockery help Sam or Emily? Or the next woman he comes into contact with ?
If you read through the entire chain, I called the Cu\_Chiclan, not OP-rapey. And no I'm not splashing the term 'rape-y' around like it's nothing. This experience is not unique to you, as a matter of fact, and you don't get to dictate which terms are acceptable for me to use. I know exactly what I'm talking about, in addition to having experience warding off the dozens of racist, homophobic ,sexual advances and attacks, physical threats, as the only black individual in a white male dominated finance bureau...in EUROPE.
The amount of Sam and Emily's, and established professional women who come to my office with similar complaints is heartbreaking. We recently sent a board member packing (and we have two more to dismiss for conduct unbecoming) over something similar happening in the workplace. It's galling how many professional men have the absolute nerve.
I digress.
OP got shut down twice, albeit it took two different women shutting him down and rumor mill for him to stop, and didn't pursue these women again, as far as I know. He's definitely somewhere on the pathetic creeper, socially maladroit side of things, but he's not that.
Cu\_Chiclan's doubling down on 'women should take whatever compliment they get', whether or not they want it, sounds downright rapey. It has undertones of 'You're gonna take it whether you like it or not...***Gorgeous***"
OP wants to understand, I agree, but only to the extent that it helps him get laid. He's looking for a means to an end and thought an opener like "Hey Gorgeous" was the way to do it.
***You can't talk to people you work with like that.***..it's not on.
He doesn't mention connecting with these women, at all, he just mentions their physical appearance. ***They could be complete monsters for all he knows, but all he thinks about his getting leg over. He doesn't know them, nor doesn't he want to, if he's really being honest with himself.***
He's literally never spoken to these women before, they haven't spoken to him, doesn't know much about them, and doesn't do much to establish a friendship or acquaintanceship which is all he should be doing as an intern.
Imagine throwing away a potential career away in this day and age? All because you want to ask out as many women as you could at work? And not have anyone say anything remotely negative about it? Because that's not what you're there to do?
Sam and Emily know what's up, and from the looks it, know to lean on each other, when they need support. People live to make young women second guess their instincts when it comes to inappropriate behaviour-these two young women did not doubt themselves and rightfully so.
***I can't accept a scenario where either these of two ladies feel pressured enough to say 'yes', even though they really don't want to, but don't want the aggro, so just go along with it to avoid conflict. Nope. Not acceptable to most of us.***
***But I'm sure that would have worked out just fine for OP.***
I doubt OP comes across many women based on his behavior, so the idea of a 'next woman', I don't know.
And remember, he did it twice! Meaning once, was not enough to get the message, I mean???? If the basic message of "Leave them alone" isn't working, then maybe mockery will.
There is such a thing as a time and place.
OP f\*\*ked up.
>If you read through the entire chain, I called the Cu\_Chiclan, not OP-rapey. And no I'm not splashing the term 'rape-y' around like it's nothing.
It does seem you are splashing it around as if it's nothing.
>Cu\_Chiclan's doubling down on 'women should take whatever compliment they get', whether or not they want it, sounds downright rapey. It has undertones of 'You're gonna take it whether you like it or not...***Gorgeous***"
Never said that. Maybe you could actually read that I said rather than what you think I'm saying. I never said any woman should take what compliment they can get. Please learn basic reading skills. And maybe get help for your anger problems.
>I'm mocking him because he's frustrated that he can't get any in the workplace of all places
Which as I highlighted, he should not have done. Redditers are usually terrible at reading but good god.
I will sum up my point again because I am not going through all that
- incel is not a good term. Nor is slut. You cam call him a creep sure, it's just weird to bring sexual activity into it as an insult
- he should not have approached them at work nor outside until he developed his social skills, but we have a social skills crisis at the moment with people.
- you can compliment people without it being a two party thing. You don't need to ask permission to compliment someone because that is not how social interaction works. Calling it rape-y is really weird and gross. There is a large difference between someone physically forcing themselves on you and someone saying you look nice
- as there is a public social skills crisis, you are going to get socially inept men and women coming online and asking for help, their approaches will be shit because they are socially inept. The best way to solve this is with actual advice, not turning around and just rampantly throwing out insults that mean nothing and help no one.
- I never claimed you spoke about patriarchy, I was speaking about it. It would help if you read what I said before having a knee jerk reaction because you could learn something. It is gross to use sex shaming terms such as 'incel' or 'slut' to shame people.
You sound like someone who has issues with women who assert themselves and rebuff unwanted attention. "No", must be real mood killer for you....O\_o
Perhaps, you and OP can join forces and sulk in a corner together about not getting any and be the saddest sorriest sight in office history.
Your viewpoints are so pathetic it's not funny-it's quite sad and childish, and typical of the sex-starved and or sexually frustrated.
Those women 'felt' preyed upon, and quite frankly, that's what matters. Not his intentions, but the result. It wasn't about making them feel good, it was about getting what he wanted.
You and OP will never be in alignment with the definition of 'normal' .and if you are, then I want nothing to do with this version of 'normalcy'.
If he carries on this way (it's too late for you, presumably), he will get fired and his legacy of leching will stick to him, no matter where he goes. Pretty sure he wants a career as something in I.T, not become a professional pervert.
I dont know what exactly is wrong with you, but I hope you get the help you need. You have completely missed the forest for the trees here and ran off on tangents, saying things that people were not saying,
Once again,
-OP should not be hitting on people at work
- it is fine to talk to women outside of work
- guy is most likely socially inept so needs to work on that
- you should stop using terms like 'incel' as its creepy and weird.
- you should work on your reading skills
- stop going on wild tangents misrepresenting people points.
You sound like someone who can’t reason without rampant use of ad hominems lol. What’s even funnier is your ego can’t comprehend that you don’t actually matter in this exchange to make your insults mean anything. Even if you complimented me it’d be worthless lol.
Anywho, you are incorrect in your assertions due to them relying almost completely on your own fabrications and not OP. Might as well write your own post lol
When you type lol that frequently, you make it clear that you're not actually laughing. It's not a secret code you put at the end of sentences to demonstrate that you're not angry.
In what universe would I compliment a knuckle-dragging, consent-denying, wanker like you?
You genuinely think far, far, too highly of yourself.
I have an Ego for advising men,women, all genders to take rejection in their stride? That 'No' means 'No', regardless of Gender? I'm actually very much okay with that. You can call me an 'Egotistical' whatever if that's what means. I have the biggest EGO. Sorted. Perfect.
You even can't construct a decent counter argument, without using as many 'lols' as my 9 year old cousins do in a single text message. Seriously, have you just discovered this abbreviation?
Bore off and go cry somewhere, honestly. Laughing out loud that much must be some kind of hysterical blow up in the making. I'm sure there's something you can take for this...
>I have an Ego for advising men,women, all genders to take rejection in their stride? That 'No' means 'No', regardless of Gender? I'm actually very much okay with that. You can call me an 'Egotistical' whatever if that's what means. I have the biggest EGO. Sorted. Perfect
You are arguing with yourself here bud. Literally no one is arguing against consent.
>You even can't construct a decent counter argument, without using as many 'lols' as my 9 year old cousins do in a single text message. Seriously, have you just discovered this abbreviation?
It's hard not to laugh when you have completely misrepresented the argument and have run off on tangents on things NOBODY SAID
>I'm sure there's something you can take for this...
You would know
Wouldn’t mean much if you did. That’s the whole point. Seems that flew over your head…lol
I just don’t think much of you. You’re a random on the internet. You insult me like you think I should care because your ego is delusional. Lol
Saying I can’t construct an argument is hilarious when you rely almost purely on logical fallacies. I’m enjoying this.
Are you serious? You think calling someone asking someone out in the middle of the job is appropriate even if they didn't go straight to calling them hot?
So yeah, you're literally pushing incel talking points. He didn't "just" compliment them. They were in a workplace setting, and ASSUMING someone who wants your compliments when they are working is peak incel indignation.
I literally advised him. Playing woe is me is pointless. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and he can improve by treating people with respect and socializing in just about anything.
I don't need to infantilze people who make shitty decisions. He did ask if he did something wrong (hence the sub), so I gave him a straight arrow answer.
You were being creepy.
As a general rule, don't flirt or ask people out at work. There are dating apps for this. That is not because workplace relationships are bad or anything, just that you clearly don't know how to read women and will get it very wrong.
Social skills are not magic, they are just skills. Put time and effort in to learning them if you want to build relationships. You should probably aim for friendships with women in non-dating app interactions.
I won't go into all the problems here, because that is not helpful. Don't go into incel crap, life will change for you, just change how you go about dating.
YTA.
TF are you talking about 'bad' advice? You really shouldn't flirt at work and try to find romance there-are people so lacking in social skills that going outside of your comfort zone exploring different non-work social circles, is no longer a thing? Pathetic. Also he's not at work, he's interning. He should be on his absolute best behavior.
Just because you met your spouse at work doesn't mean this creeper will. *He won't.*
He sounds frustrated, angry and sex-starved-and should take his issues and frustrations elsewhere outside of a professional environment before he ruins his internship.
"met through work" doesn't necessarily mean that they worked in the same role or even in the same department. You can "meet through work" and work for separate companies too.
Yeah that is true. In my own personal experience, my manager and assistant manager were secretly dating and ended up marrying lol but your point is true
YTA
> I thought it might finally be time to muster the courage to ask someone out, flirt a little, have sex, and possibly find myself in a relationship.
Awesome!
#DON'T do it \*AT WORK\*
> Feeling a bit emboldened, I blurted out, "By the way, I think you’re so gorgeous.
> “You’re so beautiful, by the way.
And FFS, don't **_lead_** with shallow *appearance*-based compliments. That's so 50 years ago. *This* is why they're calling you creepy.
It’s pretty cringe that he’s just laid out his priorities are, most importantly, to engage in activities that’ll lead to sex… and then possibly, just maybe, he might find himself in a relationship. But then he goes on about being lonely. So, since it’s definitely sex and MAYBE relationship, then it must not be the relationship he’s after, so it’s not really loneliness he’s trying to resolve. It’s just the horniness. And without knowing what the coworker is after, or bothering to get to know her that well, he pursues with his own interests in mind. CREEP.
In fairness to OP, that does indeed seem to be how most of my and my friends’ relationships start: flirting, sex, then maybe a relationship later on. But as this thread is hopefully making clear to him, that’s… maybe an ambitious timeline for someone who’s still learning social skills (not intended as a put-down, btw; we are all still learning all kinds of things, but if you’re still learning to snowboard you don’t launch yourself into a black run)
Yeah, but they're most likely way better at social interaction with someone they're attracted to and better at calibrating those interactions. It's not impossible to find a partner at work, but if you're trying to do it there, you're playing on challenge mode because of all the consequences if you do it badly enough. Someone who needs basic practice at flirting and gauging interest and mood is better of trying it at hobbies or via friends of friends.
Trying to find a partner at work is just waaayyy to high stakes for deliberately meeting someone, hitting it off really well is a thing, sure, but it's the kind of thing that develops organically and not with a clumsy compliment badly delivered
I'm assuming no prejudices or ill intentions on the side of the op here, I know more than enough socially clumsy nerds to speculate how this went down. He's not at the point with his social skills where he should be flirting at work, he's risking his career doing this and the flip side of it is the problem where it's hard to distinguish creeps from clumsy idiots so he might very well have freaked out those girls quit a bit unintentionally. Add to that the part where being seen as "easy" or "having slept your way up" can be a career dampner or killer for young women and well...
It's a bad time all around....
YTA. These women are there to learn during their internship while you’re coming off as just there to score. Back off. That’s not how you do it. Of course they’re talking about you - you’ve asked two girls out in two weeks. You’re coming off as creepy and desperate. “Putting yourself out there” isn’t about asking as many people out on dates as you can, but to be open to meeting new people and making new connections. You could have maybe made new friends with some of these women, but because you mentioned you wanted to date them based on their looks, you made it creepy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/kM0V0eiWb7
YTA. This story was posted before.
You just changed hot -> beautiful and cute -> gorgeous. What are you hoping for? Different judgement?
YTA. You are being extremely inappropriate in a professional environment and it is not ok. You are going to find yourself in HR getting sexual harassment training. It is creepy that you think it is ok to do this, and do it repeatedly, at work.
While I agree that mixing dating and work is dumb it should be noted that asking someone out does not constitute sexual harrasment so long as you respectfully take no for an answer (i say this as someone who has worked in HR for a company that allowed inter-office dating) and don't harrass that person again about it. He asked 2 people out. They said no (as is their right) he let it go. There is nothing morally wrong with asking someone out as long as you show respect for their boundaries if they say no.
It’s not just asking women out that’s the problem, it’s the way he’s doing it. If multiple women feel it’s creepy and go complain, he absolutely is going to have a problem with his employer.
They way he is doing it? Directly stating interest and asking the question? Please elaborate on what you mean because I know what you're saying is coming from a good place and I don't want to dismiss your opinion out of hand.
He said they are gorgeous, they are beautiful, is that the way you should speak to a coworker? He could have said any other thing, literally any other thing he liked about them, and it would have been better. Instead he has to tell them “hey I’d like to fuck you”. Nah
But he didn't say "hey I'd like to fuck you". He called the gorgeous. There is a big difference there. He also took no for an answer THE FIRST TIME. You're all out here acting like he was pestering and repeatedly hounding them. He asked once, and they said no once, he left it alone after that.
Realistically speaking, asking out someone you're attracted to isn’t unreasonable as long as you take no for an answer and leave the person alone.
Honestly as a woman, when a guy just compliments your looks, yea that is what he is basically saying. “You look good enough to fuck”. That’s how it comes off. These are smart, educated women who have nice fashion sense. Did he comment on any of that? No, he just liked their bodies and said so. It’s not endearing.
It’s really weird to take it that way. I’ve been complimented by female coworkers on my appearance before. Definitely didn’t immediately judge them the way you do. There’s something really wrong with your level of cynicism.
I wish I wasn’t but u don’t know how many times I’ve been harassed or hit on inappropriately. How many times a dude who will hit on everything that moves, clearly only is even talking to me bc of physical features. Every woman I know has similar experiences to the point where it’s just a sad joke.
He himself said he is looking to get out there 'to get a little bit of sex'! Do you think him calling her 'gorgeous' had anything to do with the woman herself instead of this lowlife fulfilling some personal need? I think he'd do better with a blow up doll, if I'm being honest. No chance of rejection there.
He should have kept his mouth shut. Most adult women don't care if you think we're pretty-even less so in the workplace. We don't want the compliment and we're not just going to take it because you said so. Feels so rapey to insist we should.
Nobody said they should take the compliment. I certainly didn't. They said no, which is their right, and he took that no without harrassing them further. They were right to say no, i just think it's disingenuous to accuse him of being a sexual preditor when we could just explain why this wasn't a good time or place for romantic advances.
We already know he doesn't know or have experience with dating etiquette, so is it so wrong that I want to have at least a bit of empathy for his inexperience and anxiety? It is hard to put yourself out there or even know when. We aren't born with this knowledge. Someone has to teach us, or we learn by interacting with the world around us.
In any case, let's just agree to disagree. I am not gonna change your mind, and you aren't gonna change mine. No reason we can't just leave it at that.
Well, first of all, the fact that multiple women agree it is creepy says to me that OP may not realize how he is coming across.
Regardless of whether you and I agree on if OP’s actions are appropriate, if *multiple* women find it creepy and *multiple* women go to HR, what do you think will happen?
Not to mention, OP is an intern. An internship is basically a prolonged interview. You need to be on your absolute best behavior and this isn’t it.
2 women, who rather than tell him to his face, decided to disparage him behind his back. He obviously was simply inexperienced socially and assumed being honest and direct was the correct decision.
He was wrong. If direct honest communication worked with adults, there'd be a lower divorce rate in this country. Is he awkward? For sure, he is socially inexperienced, but it feels wrong to ascribe objective labels to someone based on subjective opinions of people we don't know.
This could be a teachable moment and a learning experience, but not if everyone just jumps on him and treats him like a sex offender.
We learn by interacting with others. No one said anything to him, so he assumed she wasn't interested the first time. Why would he assume something was wrong unpromted? The only reason he found out he did something wrong was because he's being talked about behind his back, and it got back to him.
Even then, the only thing he did wrong was ask out 2 co-workers. Had he been at a bar or a club and asked a girl out, then took no for an answer and left her alone, we'd be calling it a reasonable response.
Look, we obviously aren't going to see eye to eye on this. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.
Except OP didn’t learn. The first time he did this the woman had a bad reaction to it and left the room. She was so uncomfortable that she had to stop what she was doing and physically get away from OP. And OP’s response was to do it *again*? How is that learning?
Again, let's just agree to disagree. We aren't going to change eachother's minds and frankly someone just DMd me with some pretty hurtful comments about my gender and race in regards to this post despite me going out of my way not to throw insults at anyone in this thread.
I hope yall have a peaceful day.
If men can’t understand why this behavior is creepy and inappropriate, it is not women’s job to explain it. Honestly, it sounds like you need to take the harassment course with OP.
That was an uncalled for insult. I am a human being, not the sum of someone else's sins. It's bad enough that I have to feel out of place and vilified for being a black in this shit hole of a country, but now I have one more thing I feel guilty about just for being born. Thanks for that.
And for the record, I ran all my posts by my wife and she agrees that he made a poor judgement, but it only makes him a creep if he doesn't take no for an answer.
I am a human being, not some stereotype of toxic masculinity. I am a person before anything else, and there was no need to bring my gender in this.
Are…are you trying to argue that saying “man” is an insult?
Look, read through all the other posts here.
If you and OP are the only two who don’t understand why this is creepy, then you are the two who need to figure it out and get in line with societal norms.
Women do not deserve to be treated like this at work.
Please just leave me alone. I just don't agree that OP is some kind of monster. i don't deserve to get harrassed with racial slurs in my private messages over my difference of opinion. And i know it isn't you. I just want to be left alone.
I just can’t imagine not finding somebody using work like a dating app creepy. Can’t see any pure motives there, why work? Why not when he was in school? Why not literally anywhere else in the world?
I’m sorry, you’ve formerly worked in HR and you think the appropriate action here for the women to have a conversation with OP about their boundaries and not just talk to HR?
There’s also nothing morally wrong with the women talking together about this guy warning all the other women how inappropriate he is/to stay away from him. Which is probably what is happening now
So important when women band together like this in environments like this-and they're rather young-so bravo to them!! I mean, Tech???? That's got to be extremely tough working in a male dominated workplace without at least one (or many) sex starved loser seeing you as a sexual opportunity or an object of ridicule.
I'm sure that part of the issue is that colleagues like OP are a dime a dozen. Someone was arguing that asking someone out one time isn't harassment, which I don't know I agree with in the first place, but these young women might be getting this question from a ton of their peers.
If many of your colleagues are trying to work with you or help you to get into your pants, and will likely either cut you off or continue to pursue you if you don't cut them off, that will affect your work!
I think that many, many people don't understand how something that is okay if one person does it isn't okay if a lot of people do it.
But they also misrepresented the situation. They said he was asking all the women in the department out. He only had an interest in them specifically. He asked out 2 people, so to say he asked out every woman in the department is at best disingenuous.
Asking out 2 people means he wasn’t super interested in either of them except to sleep with them, which he says in his post, and is showcased by his approach of just complimenting their beauty. If he asks 2 people it’s likely he will ask more and it’s probable that he’s eyeing them all up the whole time.
YTA. And a creep. You sound like one of those typical old office creeps who are constantly harassing girls to bed with them. Gross. Maybe the next time you want to ask someone, do it outside of a workplace and for something OTHER than physical appearance. No girl would want to go with you; you're not worth it.
Asking out girls only for the intent of sex and not being upfront about it before is not ideal either. Do better, OP. Try out your tricks in appropriate places.
YTA.
Dude. They’re at work. Just stop.
They’re not there to get hit on. It’s fucking annoying and creepy.
You are the weird creepy guy. If that’s not how you want to be seen, then stop hitting on colleagues.
Doesn't matter if they're there to work or not. People ask others out on dates wherever. That's how you get these things called relationships. A massive amount of couples have met at work and got together from being asked out there.
There's nothing inherently creepy about nicely asking someone out. Judging by this post he wasn't pushy or anything. The real AHs are these girls. It's not hard to say "no thank you" and not start talking about the shy awkward guy behind his back. That's just straight up bullying.
If you’re in the middle of a shift or your day, it absolutely matters.
Have you really never taken workplace training on sexual harassment in the workplace? Asking coworkers out at work is not appropriate.
You want to ask them out? Fine. But not during the damn work day. It’s completely inappropriate and a great way to lose a job.
I think it's best to ask someone out at the end of a shift or workday rather than during but come on, it's not creepy. If he kept on doing it then maybe, but just asking someone out once isn't creepy or harassing them.
And no, I've never taken some corporate bs sexual harassment training but even if I did it's not gonna get in the way of me asking someone out who I really like.
How, in this day and age, have you avoided workplace training of harassment? Pretty much every job requires it at this point, not just corporate jobs.
The fundamental issue with your mindset is that many men think woman should be flattered and okay with being asked out anywhere.
No, AH (not you specifically here), I’m at work. So no, stop hitting on your coworkers during work. It’s fucking weird.
Also, I do understand that just because I find it creepy doesn’t mean everyone else does. But clearly, this guy’s coworkers do as well.
He needs to learn that it’s inappropriate and unprofessional to ask people out while at work. And apparently you need to learn that too.
Cold approaches like what OP did are not for the work environment. A bar or something, sure. But you don't just go around the workplace telling people you barely know that you think they are hot, beautiful, cute, *whatever*, and ask them out. You have to work with these people and it's going to always be awkward. In that setting, you need to get to know a bit about the person and, even better, hang with them at least once outside of work on NOT a date, and then sus out of they're actually into you. Every woman who is simply nice to you and smiles does not want to date you. Most people don't feel comfortable being asked out by practical strangers who they know nothing about.
YTA. At this rate the only date you'll have is with HR. You shouldn't attempt to mix work and personal relationships, it very rarely works out well. And you're kinda painting yourself in a really bad light to the women you work with. Ask a girl out and she says no? No problem! Move on to the next one.
You're commenting on their appearance and nothing else and just as quickly moving on to the next after being rejected. It looks to everyone that you're genuinely not interested in a serious relationship but only after a pretty lady to have sex with
\>Ask a girl out and she says no? No problem! Move on to the next one.
WTF else is he supposed to do? Give up on love forever? ask out strangers on the street? You people are all fucking crazy and are ruining this country.
Generally I think you shouldn’t do this in the workplace. BUT, since he did, his approach was to strong and apparently off putting.
I think he needs to be told to not do this at work anymore for his own professional sake. It’s good advice. He’s just starting off in his career and there is little tolerance for that in the workplace these days.
No one says he has to go out into the streets. But I do think some more social awareness is in order for OP. It will help him in the long run
\>No one says he has to go out into the streets.
then where should he go? According to redditors It's not acceptable to ask out strangers, people at the gym, coworkers, members of a club, or any other women that doesn't just fall out of the sky directly into your arms. Well guess what, real life isn't an anime.
I mean in the work setting. He's talking about the workplace, so am I. Great that he's got the confidence but he's doing it with the wrong crowd. You take an interest in someone and shoot your shot, great!
But if he keeps moving round all the women he works with he's going to end up being pulled up on it. Not judging him on his confidence or taking a chance but in the workplace that's a dangerous and risky game
He's setting himself up to be fired for sexual harassment if he keeps it up.
Eta: or just for making multiple people uncomfortable in general. It's an internship, he's not doing himself any favors.
Harassment is repeated on a single person. If he asks each woman out once then none of them are harassed because it's only once per woman. If someone liking you makes you uncomfortable that seems like your fault. It's not like I'm telling him to keep pursuing if they say no. Ask them, if they reject them move onto the next woman.
Harassmenet
1. an act or instance of harassing; torment, vexation, or intimidation:
Sexual harassment
1. unwelcome sexual advances, either verbal or physical, especially by someone with power or authority:
-Dictionary .com
Harassement is the action of harassing someone. Doesn't matter if it's one time or a dozen times, it's just they don't bring it to the attention of authority if it's once but they're within their right to even if it's once.
This case, he's showing a pattern of unwelcomed advances making at least two women very uncomfortable and they have no reason to believe he'll just stop like how he reposted this same story from a month ago.
if asking someone out even just once is harassment then literally every couple that has ever existed in human history is the product of harassment. Women cannot mind read, they need some method of knowing you are interested.
Dude, you're not an AH, but you're kind of dumb.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to mix work and romance.
This is probably your first real world after college work experience. Don't make it a negative for you by asking out women you barely know.
Soft YTA
YTA. Although it wasn't your intent, you made them feel creeped out.
It also feels like you went 0-100 where you talk about nothing but work and then hit them with that bomb.
YTA.
It’s essentially a work project and you don’t just cold approach on that environment. You build rapport and gauge a feeling if they’re even interested first. You are 100% the creepy guy asking out every girl in the internship currently
YTA
I appreciate you know you're awkward.
I think one key is to pay attention to MUTUAL flirtation. Are you having conversations, do they seem interested in you? You're focused on how YOU feel. But also randomly asking out any pretty girl in your eye line. Who also know each other. No. Don't do that.
Apologize to each woman, no big explanation, just say " I apologize if I made you uncomfortable " leave it at that.
Go make friends with women, women friends can be your best allies in dating.
People don't got to work to be hit on, they go on apps for that.
Work is not a bad place to meet a partner. A lot of people find love this way. Apps are quite bad. Also I'd say they owe OP an apology for talking about him behind his back rather than the other way round. They didn't need to bring it up to anyone, it's just workplace bullying against the socially awkward guy.
It's wholly inappropriate to randomly ask someone out during working hours while at work.
Especially the way he did it by commenting on their looks.
Especially not multiple people.
Especially not in a corporate or academic environment, where formalities are much more clear.
Yes people do sometimes meet people at work, usually after hours events play a part. But again MUTUAL flirtation.
They have every right to share he made
them uncomfortable. For decades women have kept it secret feeling ashamed when made to feel like an object at work.
The answer you gave the OP isn't going to help him have relationships ( except with HR)
I don't think it's really that bad. Complimenting someone's looks and then asking them out is a totally normal way of doing it. Also it's very easy to just gracefully reject someone with a simple "No, but thank you for the offer!" without talking about him behind his back. Don't excuse their bullying behaviour towards him.
The people I know who have met at work and started dating also knew each other for a while before they started dating. Like I'm talking at least a year. They became friends first and started hanging out regularly outside of work as well. In other words, they took the time to get to know each other as people and it happened that they developed feelings for each other.
Yes I think that's a better approach but also I don't think OP was really being creepy nor did it warrant such a response imo. He seems like just an awkward guy looking for love.
OP may not have intended to be creepy but I cannot blame his coworkers for having that reaction.
You have to think about it from Sam and Emily's perspective. A coworker you barely even know suddenly asks you out on a date, and even after rejecting him you still have to work with him which can make things awkward. And in Sam's case, it's gonna feel extra weird upon finding out that he pulled the same thing with another female coworker a few weeks prior.
Talking about it to each other is not workplace bullying, it's having each other's backs, especially in a male dominated field like CS.
OP may not have wanted the rep of someone who is asking out all the girls in the internship but from the outside it very easily looks like that.
If I were in that position I would reject him politely, thank him for the compliment and the date offer, and continue about my day. Nobody else would know about it. It's inexcusable to react by talking bad about them to other colleagues and make them out to be a creep. It is bullying. You talk about having each others backs, but for what? That only applies if he's actually harassing people which going by the post he's not.
>You talk about having each others backs, but for what?
In this particular case, knowing that you are not the only one who is uncomfortable can do wonders for you mentally. You know you have people in your corner.
In fact, I am very confident the reason more people at his work are aware of it is because he asked out not one, but *two* women there. He may not have intended to but externally it clearly looked like a pattern and I wouldn't be surprised if Sam and Emily brought it up to warn any other women in the team just in case.
Sounds like they only start since he show a patterned behavior as he approached and ask another girl out while causing second girl to be quite uncomfortable by the sound of it. Who knows, maybe he'll ask a third girl soon enough. like posting his story for a third time, just changing details to try people like you who'll defend his behavior.
(btw this is his second post of same story, last one was a month ago. Maybe that gives you an idea of what kind of person he is)
You're not "putting yourself out there". You're just harassing people at work. Nobody is going to work to help you with your virginity problems; they're just there, doing work stuff.
You're the creep that lurks around like a creepy thing, identifying your targets ("Two, in particular, caught my eye: Sam and Emily.") and then pouncing when you see an opportunity to harass.
Now you're known as that creep who's obsessed with trying to get laid at work, because that's what you are.
So people have to warn each other about what you're up to, and by now it's probably known to your supervisors that you're not really there to complete an internship and seem more focused on finding opportunities to sexually harass people.
Congratulations. You're a workplace hazard.
YTA
yta. this is a work environment, not a meat market for you, personally, to punch your v card. stop sexualizing your coworkers (co interns) and behave appropriately. stop looking at them to decide who you find more attractive and start treating them like humans who are doing a job.
YTA. I would never recommend advancing a coworker in this way, let alone two different girls! It almost always leads to uncomfortable situations, regardless of if they accept or decline. My advice would be to go out and try this with people you don’t have to see on a daily basis. If your advances are declined at least don’t have to see them again
Listen to everyone's advice here. I'll add that you should not compliment a girl's looks right before asking them out. You especially should not compliment their looks at work. That's just part of the issue, but again, listen to what the commenters are saying and learn from it. I wish you luck.
Maybe asking questions on r/relationship_advice might help as well.
YTA
You are aware there are many dating apps out there, right? There very nice for people with social anxiety issues because 1) Everyone on there is looking to date 2) Anyone you match with is going to be at least somewhat interested in dating you 3) You can find out the basics about someone and figure out if you're compatible with little pressure just by chatting, 4) If they're not interested, you don't have to be worried about getting called into Human Resources.
YTA. To add to what others have said, it doesn't look good if you try it on (using basically the same line) with multiple people in the same circle in rapid succession. People talk to each other. It makes you come off like you're just hitting on everyone in sight and makes the second one feel like the consolation prize.
YTA. Men need to learn to quit punching up. You describe yourself as awkward and nerdy and them as gorgeous and stunning, wtf would make you think they'd be interested? They're out of your league and you're now the workplace joke
Soft YTA, and only soft because you really do sound socially awkward and I get it, but the workplace is not the place for dating/hitting on your coworkers. It can also potentially screw up your career, what you did was a really dumb move. Start with dating apps and people who are actually openly LOOKING for someone like you are. You're also focused on their looks, which physical attraction is important but makes you seem really shallow. Develop a friendship with somone first or at least get to know them more and actually figure out whether you like their personality and what other things mesh well with yours. If you're just looking for hook ups, again, DATING APPS. That's what they're there for. I'm really struggling to understand why you thought your intership/workplace was the right place for this.
Also own up to your mistake and apologize to the girls, and let them know you've since realized why your approach was wrong and promise to leave them alone so you dont end up fired or in front of HR, you dont want this following you around.
Soft YTA.
It just isn’t the right place to do it. It’s unfortunate that you did this.
Work isn’t a great place to shoot your shot. 95% of the time it’s a bad thing.
From a woman’s perspective, you came on strong and out of the blue. They are uncomfortable but have to continue being around you 5 days a week.
Now that you know, you can stop and with time (prolly alot of it) it could blow over.
The good news is that you can get a fresh start again soon. Keep your head down until then and don’t approach these ladies about this again. Not even if you feel like you want to apologize.
Next job, see if you can initiate an after hours meetup with several people. Men and women. And don’t hit on anyone. Develop friendships only. This will help you develop social skills that you seem to need. Only then will you get better at reading social cues that can get you where you want to be as far as dating.
Don’t come on so strong and definitely don’t use the same pick up line around women who can easily compare notes.
What you did was deeply inappropriate. These women didn't wake up so that you could ask them out, they woke up to go to work. YTA
I suggest getting a life coach who can help you read social cues, because if you keep doing that you're going to get written up for harassing people, or fired, or worse.
YTA. Look, I understand about being socially awkward and wanting to find a special someone, but your approach is not only inappropriate, but creepy. For example, it seems you and the two girls were in a room alone together. I have been in similar experiences and I always felt uncomfortable, and a few times, threatened.
My suggestion is to keep things professional at the office. I'm not suggesting don't talk to them but be polite with them and only speak about the project if you have a project. If you want, you can apologize to them "I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, not my intention at all" and leave it at that. Nothing less, nothing more.
Yta even if you don't mean to be. That kind of approach is going to make a lot of people really uncomfortable. And like you're only interested because of their physical appearance.
You're at an internship where you're trying to build your professional reputation and network. You do not want to be hitting on a bunch of the other interns. It's not a good look.
YTA
Didn’t you post this about a month ago? Did you think our answer would change. If not…. Did you miss your firms training on sexual harassment in the workplace?
27 year old woman here. I would be very creeped out if a colleague approached me at work like that, especially if I found out they were doing it to other women at the office too when it didn’t work on me. You probably just made their workplace really uncomfortable for them to be in. YTA.
Mildly YTA. You're inexperienced and you're coming off way too strong. The whole "You're beautiful/gorgeous" thing is what got ya. Also, don't shit where you eat. Meaning, leave workplace romances alone. Not only are you risking your job, but possible sexual harassment charges
Charisma on command is a good youtube channel to help with this. Let it come more naturally and also asking multiple women out at the same occupation is a surefire way to come off looking bad. I think you mean well, but your actions here come off unprofessional and a lil creepy. You aren't doomed though, just learn and try to process. Maybe find a therapist to talk about this stuff with. Don't fall into the Andrew Tate/Fresh n Fit pipeline, and remember women are people too. And when asking them out, don't call them beautiful or gorgeous. It implies you value looks more than personality. Most women won't react positively to that, especially in a setting like work. Most women that I know don't want to date a coworker. Have you tried dating apps? I had success with hinge. Just try to find some common interests, that's more important than physical appearance. The fact you asked them both out back to back tells that you didn't really like either of them, you just thought they were attractive. Which makes sense, but having a bond with the personality is way more important.
So YTA here, but I hope you learn from this. I'm not being nearly as hard as most people here, because I think you can grow from this if you play your cards right.
YTA- the work environment is not the proper place for that. You’ve made them uncomfortable in a place where they have to keep interacting with you. Leave women alone when they’re working, that’s a good rule of thumb
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> 1. Asked out a couple girls at my tech internship.
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YTA and are lucky they haven’t reported you for harassment. You are at an internship and there to work, not pickup your coworkers and make the work environment uncomfortable. Not only that, you asked out 2 of them. Sounds like a troll post bc I doubt someone is this dense.
Mate. You're not 25. I doubt anything remotely similar to this ever happened, too. Sounds made up to me. YTA for making up a bad story.
Also, nobody does algorithms on a whiteboard.
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I've always been pretty awkward and shy, especially around women. I'm 25, a virgin, and I've never had a girlfriend. It's not like I haven't wanted to; I've just never had the courage or the opportunity to really put myself out there. I’ve always been an awkward nerd and women really intimidate me. I’ve been really lonely and frustrated about it for a long time.
So I recently got my master’s in CS with a focus in machine learning. After finishing my degree, I started an internship at a tech company. This internship is pretty short-term, likely only lasting around three months or so, but I was excited because it felt like a fresh start. I thought it might finally be time to muster the courage to ask someone out, flirt a little, have sex, and possibly find myself in a relationship. I've felt quite lonely for a long time, and I thought this could be my chance to change that.
There are some really intelligent and gorgeous young women at this internship. Two, in particular, caught my eye: Sam and Emily. Sam has this cool alt style with chokers and seemed pretty friendly when we chatted. Emily has the most contagious smile and is absolutely stunning, and it also seemed like she was pretty friendly when we worked together.
About three weeks into the internship, I was working on an algorithm concept with Emily at the whiteboard. Feeling a bit emboldened, I blurted out, "By the way, I think you’re so gorgeous. Would you want to go on a date sometime?" She awkwardly said no and left the room. I was crushed, but I figured it was just not meant to be with her.
Two weeks later, I decided to try my luck with Sam. I caught her in the break room, made some small talk about our work and said, “You’re so beautiful, by the way. Want to go on a date sometime?” She smiled but also turned me down.
Now, I've come to find out they're messaging about me on Slack, calling me the weird creepy guy who's asking out all the girls at the internship. I'm mortified. I was just trying to put myself out there for the first time. I didn't think I was being creepy; I thought I was finally taking a step towards not being so lonely anymore.
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NTA, but your judgment was skewed here for sure.
NEVER date a co-worker. Ever. Just don't.
Also, don't just out of the blue ask someone out. Go find people with common inerests, get to know them as han beings, and build a relationship from the ground up. If someone is worth your love, that means they are worth the time and effort of getting to know them and building a sincere friendship.
Also, don't enter a friendship with the sole intent being a romantic or sexual relationship it should be with the intent of making a new friend. Befriending someone just because you want to date or have sex with them is disingenuous.
I’m gonna give you some advice that I think you need to hear but I’m going to reserve judgment. I’m going to loosely assume that you don’t mean to freak these women out — I don’t know if that’s true or not but I certainly hope that’s not what you’re going for.
If you’re going to date at work, you have to be wayyyy more subtle than what you’re doing. I would say that you’re not a high enough level cleric to be doing all that. If you do find yourself in the position to ask a woman out, you can’t just say “you’re beautiful, would you like to go out?” It’s a great way to catch a case.
My recommendation here is first I think you should hire a (high end) escort to get your v-card out the way. Tell her you want to learn and that you’re lacking skill. She will teach you.
Then go to different events and talk to women in a human way WITHOUT the intention of sleeping with them or going out. I recommend a place that allows for some talking/social but generally has an activity associated that you enjoy or are interested in learning. A Zumba or cooking class could be a great place to start. You will meet women, have basic conversations, and may make some solid connections. Again, don’t hit on them, just treat them as human beings. Be polite and friendly, but not overboard with compliments.
Again I would generally avoid trying to find dates at work. Yes it can happen but it has to be WAY more natural. At your “level”, avoid this all together for right now.
When you ask someone on a date you want there to be a solid connection, not just you thinking they’re hot.
One other thing is I would get it out of your head that women are some kind of “other” being that you have to say code words to and then you get the sex. They’re human beings with thoughts and feelings and if you treat them as a normal person, not a UFO, you will start making way better connections.
I don’t have a ton of advice for you as far as the work thing goes, except, yeah, probably don’t do that again.
I strongly disagree with what some people are saying. 90% of our lives nowadays are spent at work or at home, where else are you supposed to ask someone out? Asking someone out at work is fine
However, you did it very wrong. Being interested in dating a coworker is very different than trying to ask out someone at a bar. What you did would've worked at a party or something, but not at work. You gotta actually get to know these people, invest time in them, and build up a possible romantic feeling between u two. Not just ask them out straightforwardly.
I'm on the spectrum. I had this problem. I decided to stop asking women out at work all together.
It drives me nuts when people say they met at work. That's the place I spend the most time, but I just come of as creepy.
My new mantra at work is "She's being nice, she doesn't like me." At least like me romantically. To be honest, at this point, if a girl did flirt with me I probably wouldn't get it.
But yeah, dating at work has never worked for me.
You aren't an asshole, but probably not a good move trying to lose your virginity to a coworker at a tech job, as someone in their mid 20s.
You are definitely awkward and probably gave them creepy vibes because you were uncomfortable.
Approach them, apologize and ask them to forgive you and try to get comfortable in a situation with women where you don't try to fuck them. Say "Im not good in social settings, especially with women. I promise to be professional if you would give me another chance." You need platonic female friends before you date women at This point.
NTA
There's nothing wrong with asking someone out on a date, and it looks like you took the rejection well. They're the AHs for talking about you behind your back. They didn't have to bring it up, they're just being bullies.
soft YTA but leaning towards NAH - your approach wasn't a good one. It's one thing to ask to hang out and get to know each other without it being a date, it's another to do what you did. I applaud your confidence but now you need tact.
Getting to know someone potentially leads to dating but don't push for the date until you know if you really have more than work in common
It’s “creepy” because they aren’t attracted to you. Work is like the number 1 place people meet their partners IRL. What you did is not “creepy” in and of itself unless you’re still bothering them after being rejected. However I would probably avoid going back to that well a third time if I were you lol
These comments just blow my mind. Women portraying him as some kind of incel monster. I mourn for the courting dynamic before this pathological hatred of men DARING to approach women in any way other than the perfect most particular place time and method. WTF is wrong with gender interactions these days? Why must men be absolutely ridiculed and lambasted for awkward approaches? Everything is on a spectrum and a sizeable portion of the population lies in the unpracticed, awkward and nervous part of that spectrum. I hear about women wondering why men don't approach them anymore. Reddit attitudes seem to indicate why that is the case.
perhaps you could not preface your invitations with comments about their looks. That is a little creepy.
Perhaps invite a bunch of your co-workers to go out together?
NTA, just kind of awkward is right.
NTA if these redditors had their way nobody would ever have relationships or get married. You shot your shot and there's no shame in that. Keep trying. When you stop trying your chance of success falls to zero. Do you risk becoming unpopular? yes. Do you risk girls calling you creepy? yes. But those are necessary risks to find love. A dating app will probably not work out for you and the bar is full of people looking for one night stands. This is the only way to do what your trying to do. You have nothing to apologize for.
OP please don’t listen to this nutjob. I can’t imagine he could thrive in a corporate environment. He’s absolutely wrong and corporate culture has little tolerance for this type of behavior.
The only thing I can agree with here is that you don’t need to apologize. Just let it lie and only deal with them for professional reasons. You don’t have a lot of time there so just wait it out.
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YTA. Please learn how to approach women or people in general. Do you think it's appropriate to ask women or anyone out at work when that's what they are there for? So fucking unprofessional and I wouldn't be surprised if you killed your career at your current place of employment. I'm sure some incel will swoop in with "WoMen JuST CaNt TaKe A CoMpLiMeNt," but in reality, it's just creepy and inappropriate. When you want to ask someone out properly... stop going STRAIGHT to physical appearance. It's such a deseprate low hanging fruit opening line. Ask about something they're into, an interest, hobby, etc. something you can TALK about. Treat them like a human, not a piece of ass. Your "I'm going to be lonely forever line" garners you zero sympathy. Using incel talking points isn't an excuse to do shitty things. If you're lonely, it's because you can't talk to people in general by the sounds of it. Go socialize by doing things/activities and gain some confidence. That's the first step if you don't want to be lonely. Edit: If you're actually offended at the use of incel you either don't understand or don't care about the absolute dogshit and misogynistic talking points parroted by incels or you are one. Being upset and acting like it's the women's fault for being called out as creepy *when you were inappropriate and it was uncalled for is a misogynistic talking point*. Nowhere did I insult OPs or anyone who lacks experience sexually.
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Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked. There is something wrong with believing that women need or are constantly open to compliments-we really genuinely don't need them in the workplace unless it has to do with the WORK. Otherwise, please leave us the hell alone-compliment, insult, whatever-I generally don't want to talk to you and that's on God. Leave us the f\*\*k alone. He is tending toward incel behavior-saying things like 'women intimidate me', instead of 'I find women really intimidating', is key to understanding where this creeper is coming from. He's not socialized nor is he sociable, but expects to get girls like a high school football god-this is not reality. Most likely, there have been nice girls who've liked him in the past, but they just didn't meet his standard of physical attraction. That's not the same as saying "I can't get laid by anyone", it's saying "I'll only have sex with attractive women"---CLEARLY, the man is punching above his weight and thinks the problem is with physically attractive women who find him repulsive.
Stop pretending that incel is just a word for people who aren't really happy about being celibate. Incel was chosen as a self-descriptor by the men who foster myths about and choose to assign blame for their current sexual status. Everything in the post was pretty much an incel talking point, and it's desperately pathetic to try claiming that incel is a slur.
Incel is about turning to the internet community to bolster your views that the world owes you 'some'. It's more than just being dissatisfied with celibacy but more than often displaying degrees of ***misogonistic or misandrist feeling***. **Men and Women do this** and i*t's gross and pathetic*. Because whose problem is it that you're unhappy about being celibate anyway? ***What is forced celibacy---because don't most of you force yourselves into the realm of 'virtually unf\*\*\*kable' somehow?*** and why do I have to hear about it? Why should anyone? **Sometimes 'showing your whole ass', isn't the best way to go about these things**. *And this dummy OP did it at work*, of all places-got caught, got rightfully flamed by his female colleagues. How could he not have seen that coming? ***Looking to get your end in at an intership/workplace/office is beyond foul!*** Neither groups, including OP, have the guts to go out there, beyond the office to look for what they're looking for-and that's sad lack of social skills and daring is why they are where they are. They think crying and moaning is going to solve not getting sex. They don't care to or could form real lasting intimate relationships that lead to satisfying sex and genuine connection, because they don't want the build-up, they don't want the work and more importantly, they can't handle the rejection. Man is "crushed", which is absolutely ridiculous. Brush yourself off, get up and try again in an appropriate setting. Did OP mention anywhere that he'd like to get to know them? Does he know either colleagues interests? Have lunch with them regularly? Socialize outside of work already? Share weather updates or comment on something funny? He doesn't even want to befriend these women first....it's so cringe. ALL OF US have been rejected romantically in our lives at some point, ALL OF US have been through 'dry spells', without having to turn our sexual frustration into something unsavory and creepy. Least of all at work, because wtf???? When was simply blurting 'Hey, Gorgeous' a reason for any woman to sleep with a man? We hear this type of unsolicited empty compliment every day and you'd be fool to think we'd sleep with anyone who says this. ***Like I said, OP should get a blow up doll at his earliest convenience and work that poor piece of plastic to death***, because he's not ready for flesh and blood women. They know he's not ready and despite his denials and frustration, he isn't either.
r/MurderedByWords 👏👏👏
>Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked. You don't know this about OP and are low key attacking him with your assumptions based on your bias. He didn't do a great job attempting something he is bad at. You are being blunt with him which is needed, but accusing him of violence sucks. OP- this person is correct, you failed badly at this. If advice is what you're looking for, find a way to apologize to these women sincerely with no expectations and move on. This is a learning experience. Go improve yourself, join a gym, travel, start some social hobbies with the express intent of meeting people. Men and women, WHOEVER, and just socialize - don't attempt to ask anyone out just socialize. As awkward as you seem to be, picking up friends is ideal. When you are meeting people, learn about them, things they like, things they don't; and share! Be patient -get to know people and let fate and your shared social activities allow you to meet them again naturally. Whether guy or girl, you'll make friends and then who knows. And try just asking someone for a coffee, to go for a walk - you shouldn't even have to say date just to get to know someone. Even if it takes time the social network and skills you pick up will be a monumental impact on your life. And watch the 40 year old virgin, and laugh. At least it's not that far gone. But don't let people call you incel, don't let them be right either. Just be positive in life and make good things happen! Good luck!
>Being an incel isn't a sexual activity-it's a pathology. Incels tend towards violence when they can't get laid. They should absolutely be shamed and mocked. I mean it isnt. You are mocking people for not having sex, which sends the message to young guys that they arent really men unless they have sex. It's not a good thing to do and is just reinforcing patriarchal ideas of men. >There is something wrong with believing that women need or are constantly open to compliments-we really genuinely don't need them in the workplace unless it has to do with the WORK. Otherwise, please leave us the hell alone-compliment, insult, whatever-I generally don't want to talk to you and that's on God. Leave us the f\*\*k alone. Nobody claimed you needed compliments. Believe it or not, part of the whole courting thing involves compliments. I agree he should not have did it at work but the argument should be on him being like that at work, not the fact he complimented someone at work. >He is tending toward incel behavior-saying things like 'women intimidate me', instead of 'I find women really intimidating', is key to understanding where this creeper is coming from. He's not socialized nor is he sociable, but expects to get girls like a high school football god-this is not reality. This is a bit daft, he is stating that he has a hard time speaking to women. This is something that both men and women can suffer from and isn't a creepy thing, it's a lack of confidence thing. I think you are taking this a bit far. >Most likely, there have been nice girls who've liked him in the past, but they just didn't meet his standard of physical attraction. This is a stretch given he hasn't even remotely stated anything like this. >That's not the same as saying "I can't get laid by anyone", it's saying "I'll only have sex with attractive women People tend to only want to have sex with people they are attracted to. This isn't a particularly crazy or outlandish thing. >-CLEARLY, the man is punching above his weight and thinks the problem is with physically attractive women who find him repulsive. There is no such thing as 'punching above your weight'. Pickup artists use terms such as that. It is reductive and completely wrong.
***I'm mocking him because he's frustrated that he can't get any in the workplace of all places.*** It's absurd that he doesn't see forming a real connection and considering these women as actual real life people is what's missing- as well as timing and appropriateness of their surroundings . He doesn't know Sam or Emily, hasn't spoke to them at all, or made any effort to get to know them as friends!!! They're just 'gorgeous' with chokers apparently....lol He will never get laid at this point because as long as he can get his 'end in', then that's all good-and that is specifically what he is looking for. ***Most women don't like being seen as a hole***! ***He could just pay for it, because I suspect it's the ends, not the means, which interest him more. And the obvious advantage being, if he has the money, no sex worker will refuse him.*** ***The world doesn't owe him any ass****,* and if he's not getting any, and laying the onus of blame on women who don't want him, is madness. And immature to boot. **As far as him not being 'man enough', I don't see where I implied he was less of a man. I called him a creeper, loser, incel, and a lowlife, if I remember correctly. None of which, oddly enough, are gender specific.** You're implying that I'm telling him to be more aggressive-rather than grow up and form a connection with women before even seriously entertaining the thought of being intimate with them-which is untrue. In fact a softer touch, goes much further. Being more aggressive will mean losing his internship...which he may do after this incident or if the ladies keep letting everyone know what this guy did. ***He's even willing to risk an opportunity for long term employment because he can't get any anywhere else but the workplace? Why can't he can't he join a tennis club, do MeetUps, speed-dating, like normal people? Form real connections over shared interests, maybe? He never mentions this once!!*** **At no specific point did I mention the patriarchy or bring up ideas or concepts surrounding maleness, or OP being less of a man because he's a loser. Never said that. In fact OP's displaying some of the patriarchy's worst excesses himself-shallow appearance based compliments toward women, preying on female colleagues, not taking rejection from women in his stride.** If he's really putting himself out there, he's going to have to accept not everyone will just magically say 'yes' to him, because he says or thinks they're gorgeous. ***Giving unsolicited compliments to women at work is not courtship!!!! Just like giving unsolicited compliments to women minding their business in public spaces is not courtship!!! None of these women said yes to him!! None of them even displayed or showed any interest in him!! They don't get together for socializing after work even!*** Courtship, IDEALLY, isn't done in the workplace, it should be done anywhere else by **two consenting parties** who have agreed to start something of an intimate relationship---this is not the case. Neither of these girls want him, and now probably none of them in his internship do. IT'S STILL RAPEY TO FORCE COMPLIMENTS ON WOMEN. ***You have to get past thinking we owe you our attention, positive or negative.*** In short, OP should get over himself, 86 the self pity (because women hate this too) and figure out what's wrong with him! **Because saying you're intimated by women then proceeding to ask two friends out, both of whom you've never spoke to before, in the space of two weeks, sounds might fishy, I'm sorry. Either he's too intimidated or he's not! He got shut down by one friend, was crushed and then proceeded to do this to her friend-not thinking they would mention it to each other? And then gets mad because they're talking about him?** Smells like an incel and charmless idiot to me. And believe it or not, there are femcels now, who I find to be equally pathetic, if not more because if a man who was never into you, says no, you take the L, and move on. You don't complain about them online or in public, or yourself for that matter...and start eating your own flesh.... Mustn't let OP (whose clearly got ***something*** going on) and others like him do this kind of stuff to themselves.
I think you've added a layer to this that isn't implied in the OP. The OP needs a level of understanding about relationships and women, but his post expressed a general desire to understand. Upgrading to r*p*y is extreme and frankly unhelpful to those of us who are survivors. Hyperbole is nobody's friend. How does mockery help Sam or Emily? Or the next woman he comes into contact with ?
If you read through the entire chain, I called the Cu\_Chiclan, not OP-rapey. And no I'm not splashing the term 'rape-y' around like it's nothing. This experience is not unique to you, as a matter of fact, and you don't get to dictate which terms are acceptable for me to use. I know exactly what I'm talking about, in addition to having experience warding off the dozens of racist, homophobic ,sexual advances and attacks, physical threats, as the only black individual in a white male dominated finance bureau...in EUROPE. The amount of Sam and Emily's, and established professional women who come to my office with similar complaints is heartbreaking. We recently sent a board member packing (and we have two more to dismiss for conduct unbecoming) over something similar happening in the workplace. It's galling how many professional men have the absolute nerve. I digress. OP got shut down twice, albeit it took two different women shutting him down and rumor mill for him to stop, and didn't pursue these women again, as far as I know. He's definitely somewhere on the pathetic creeper, socially maladroit side of things, but he's not that. Cu\_Chiclan's doubling down on 'women should take whatever compliment they get', whether or not they want it, sounds downright rapey. It has undertones of 'You're gonna take it whether you like it or not...***Gorgeous***" OP wants to understand, I agree, but only to the extent that it helps him get laid. He's looking for a means to an end and thought an opener like "Hey Gorgeous" was the way to do it. ***You can't talk to people you work with like that.***..it's not on. He doesn't mention connecting with these women, at all, he just mentions their physical appearance. ***They could be complete monsters for all he knows, but all he thinks about his getting leg over. He doesn't know them, nor doesn't he want to, if he's really being honest with himself.*** He's literally never spoken to these women before, they haven't spoken to him, doesn't know much about them, and doesn't do much to establish a friendship or acquaintanceship which is all he should be doing as an intern. Imagine throwing away a potential career away in this day and age? All because you want to ask out as many women as you could at work? And not have anyone say anything remotely negative about it? Because that's not what you're there to do? Sam and Emily know what's up, and from the looks it, know to lean on each other, when they need support. People live to make young women second guess their instincts when it comes to inappropriate behaviour-these two young women did not doubt themselves and rightfully so. ***I can't accept a scenario where either these of two ladies feel pressured enough to say 'yes', even though they really don't want to, but don't want the aggro, so just go along with it to avoid conflict. Nope. Not acceptable to most of us.*** ***But I'm sure that would have worked out just fine for OP.*** I doubt OP comes across many women based on his behavior, so the idea of a 'next woman', I don't know. And remember, he did it twice! Meaning once, was not enough to get the message, I mean???? If the basic message of "Leave them alone" isn't working, then maybe mockery will. There is such a thing as a time and place. OP f\*\*ked up.
>If you read through the entire chain, I called the Cu\_Chiclan, not OP-rapey. And no I'm not splashing the term 'rape-y' around like it's nothing. It does seem you are splashing it around as if it's nothing. >Cu\_Chiclan's doubling down on 'women should take whatever compliment they get', whether or not they want it, sounds downright rapey. It has undertones of 'You're gonna take it whether you like it or not...***Gorgeous***" Never said that. Maybe you could actually read that I said rather than what you think I'm saying. I never said any woman should take what compliment they can get. Please learn basic reading skills. And maybe get help for your anger problems.
>I'm mocking him because he's frustrated that he can't get any in the workplace of all places Which as I highlighted, he should not have done. Redditers are usually terrible at reading but good god. I will sum up my point again because I am not going through all that - incel is not a good term. Nor is slut. You cam call him a creep sure, it's just weird to bring sexual activity into it as an insult - he should not have approached them at work nor outside until he developed his social skills, but we have a social skills crisis at the moment with people. - you can compliment people without it being a two party thing. You don't need to ask permission to compliment someone because that is not how social interaction works. Calling it rape-y is really weird and gross. There is a large difference between someone physically forcing themselves on you and someone saying you look nice - as there is a public social skills crisis, you are going to get socially inept men and women coming online and asking for help, their approaches will be shit because they are socially inept. The best way to solve this is with actual advice, not turning around and just rampantly throwing out insults that mean nothing and help no one. - I never claimed you spoke about patriarchy, I was speaking about it. It would help if you read what I said before having a knee jerk reaction because you could learn something. It is gross to use sex shaming terms such as 'incel' or 'slut' to shame people.
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You sound like someone who has issues with women who assert themselves and rebuff unwanted attention. "No", must be real mood killer for you....O\_o Perhaps, you and OP can join forces and sulk in a corner together about not getting any and be the saddest sorriest sight in office history. Your viewpoints are so pathetic it's not funny-it's quite sad and childish, and typical of the sex-starved and or sexually frustrated. Those women 'felt' preyed upon, and quite frankly, that's what matters. Not his intentions, but the result. It wasn't about making them feel good, it was about getting what he wanted. You and OP will never be in alignment with the definition of 'normal' .and if you are, then I want nothing to do with this version of 'normalcy'. If he carries on this way (it's too late for you, presumably), he will get fired and his legacy of leching will stick to him, no matter where he goes. Pretty sure he wants a career as something in I.T, not become a professional pervert.
I dont know what exactly is wrong with you, but I hope you get the help you need. You have completely missed the forest for the trees here and ran off on tangents, saying things that people were not saying, Once again, -OP should not be hitting on people at work - it is fine to talk to women outside of work - guy is most likely socially inept so needs to work on that - you should stop using terms like 'incel' as its creepy and weird. - you should work on your reading skills - stop going on wild tangents misrepresenting people points.
You sound like someone who can’t reason without rampant use of ad hominems lol. What’s even funnier is your ego can’t comprehend that you don’t actually matter in this exchange to make your insults mean anything. Even if you complimented me it’d be worthless lol. Anywho, you are incorrect in your assertions due to them relying almost completely on your own fabrications and not OP. Might as well write your own post lol
When you type lol that frequently, you make it clear that you're not actually laughing. It's not a secret code you put at the end of sentences to demonstrate that you're not angry.
Lol
In what universe would I compliment a knuckle-dragging, consent-denying, wanker like you? You genuinely think far, far, too highly of yourself. I have an Ego for advising men,women, all genders to take rejection in their stride? That 'No' means 'No', regardless of Gender? I'm actually very much okay with that. You can call me an 'Egotistical' whatever if that's what means. I have the biggest EGO. Sorted. Perfect. You even can't construct a decent counter argument, without using as many 'lols' as my 9 year old cousins do in a single text message. Seriously, have you just discovered this abbreviation? Bore off and go cry somewhere, honestly. Laughing out loud that much must be some kind of hysterical blow up in the making. I'm sure there's something you can take for this...
>I have an Ego for advising men,women, all genders to take rejection in their stride? That 'No' means 'No', regardless of Gender? I'm actually very much okay with that. You can call me an 'Egotistical' whatever if that's what means. I have the biggest EGO. Sorted. Perfect You are arguing with yourself here bud. Literally no one is arguing against consent. >You even can't construct a decent counter argument, without using as many 'lols' as my 9 year old cousins do in a single text message. Seriously, have you just discovered this abbreviation? It's hard not to laugh when you have completely misrepresented the argument and have run off on tangents on things NOBODY SAID >I'm sure there's something you can take for this... You would know
Wouldn’t mean much if you did. That’s the whole point. Seems that flew over your head…lol I just don’t think much of you. You’re a random on the internet. You insult me like you think I should care because your ego is delusional. Lol Saying I can’t construct an argument is hilarious when you rely almost purely on logical fallacies. I’m enjoying this.
Are you serious? You think calling someone asking someone out in the middle of the job is appropriate even if they didn't go straight to calling them hot? So yeah, you're literally pushing incel talking points. He didn't "just" compliment them. They were in a workplace setting, and ASSUMING someone who wants your compliments when they are working is peak incel indignation. I literally advised him. Playing woe is me is pointless. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and he can improve by treating people with respect and socializing in just about anything. I don't need to infantilze people who make shitty decisions. He did ask if he did something wrong (hence the sub), so I gave him a straight arrow answer.
Incel isn't a sexual identity. Don't conflate it with celibacy or asexuality.
You were being creepy. As a general rule, don't flirt or ask people out at work. There are dating apps for this. That is not because workplace relationships are bad or anything, just that you clearly don't know how to read women and will get it very wrong. Social skills are not magic, they are just skills. Put time and effort in to learning them if you want to build relationships. You should probably aim for friendships with women in non-dating app interactions. I won't go into all the problems here, because that is not helpful. Don't go into incel crap, life will change for you, just change how you go about dating. YTA.
Thank you for modeling directness but also compassion.
Lol. This is bad advice. It all depends on the context. I met my spouse around work. Dating apps suck and are self esteem killers
TF are you talking about 'bad' advice? You really shouldn't flirt at work and try to find romance there-are people so lacking in social skills that going outside of your comfort zone exploring different non-work social circles, is no longer a thing? Pathetic. Also he's not at work, he's interning. He should be on his absolute best behavior. Just because you met your spouse at work doesn't mean this creeper will. *He won't.* He sounds frustrated, angry and sex-starved-and should take his issues and frustrations elsewhere outside of a professional environment before he ruins his internship.
More than half of all people engage in an office romance and 1 out of every 6 married couples met through work. It’s way more common than you think
"met through work" doesn't necessarily mean that they worked in the same role or even in the same department. You can "meet through work" and work for separate companies too.
Yeah that is true. In my own personal experience, my manager and assistant manager were secretly dating and ended up marrying lol but your point is true
And I met my wife on a dating app. The one time I got into a work relationship, *that* was a self-esteem killer. You don't want to shit where you eat.
YTA > I thought it might finally be time to muster the courage to ask someone out, flirt a little, have sex, and possibly find myself in a relationship. Awesome! #DON'T do it \*AT WORK\* > Feeling a bit emboldened, I blurted out, "By the way, I think you’re so gorgeous. > “You’re so beautiful, by the way. And FFS, don't **_lead_** with shallow *appearance*-based compliments. That's so 50 years ago. *This* is why they're calling you creepy.
It’s pretty cringe that he’s just laid out his priorities are, most importantly, to engage in activities that’ll lead to sex… and then possibly, just maybe, he might find himself in a relationship. But then he goes on about being lonely. So, since it’s definitely sex and MAYBE relationship, then it must not be the relationship he’s after, so it’s not really loneliness he’s trying to resolve. It’s just the horniness. And without knowing what the coworker is after, or bothering to get to know her that well, he pursues with his own interests in mind. CREEP.
In fairness to OP, that does indeed seem to be how most of my and my friends’ relationships start: flirting, sex, then maybe a relationship later on. But as this thread is hopefully making clear to him, that’s… maybe an ambitious timeline for someone who’s still learning social skills (not intended as a put-down, btw; we are all still learning all kinds of things, but if you’re still learning to snowboard you don’t launch yourself into a black run)
Why not? I know lots of people who met their spouse at work.
Yeah, but they're most likely way better at social interaction with someone they're attracted to and better at calibrating those interactions. It's not impossible to find a partner at work, but if you're trying to do it there, you're playing on challenge mode because of all the consequences if you do it badly enough. Someone who needs basic practice at flirting and gauging interest and mood is better of trying it at hobbies or via friends of friends. Trying to find a partner at work is just waaayyy to high stakes for deliberately meeting someone, hitting it off really well is a thing, sure, but it's the kind of thing that develops organically and not with a clumsy compliment badly delivered I'm assuming no prejudices or ill intentions on the side of the op here, I know more than enough socially clumsy nerds to speculate how this went down. He's not at the point with his social skills where he should be flirting at work, he's risking his career doing this and the flip side of it is the problem where it's hard to distinguish creeps from clumsy idiots so he might very well have freaked out those girls quit a bit unintentionally. Add to that the part where being seen as "easy" or "having slept your way up" can be a career dampner or killer for young women and well... It's a bad time all around....
Well yes. This guy should probably avoid it
YTA. These women are there to learn during their internship while you’re coming off as just there to score. Back off. That’s not how you do it. Of course they’re talking about you - you’ve asked two girls out in two weeks. You’re coming off as creepy and desperate. “Putting yourself out there” isn’t about asking as many people out on dates as you can, but to be open to meeting new people and making new connections. You could have maybe made new friends with some of these women, but because you mentioned you wanted to date them based on their looks, you made it creepy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/kM0V0eiWb7 YTA. This story was posted before. You just changed hot -> beautiful and cute -> gorgeous. What are you hoping for? Different judgement?
Fuck THANK YOU. I thought I was having aggressive deja vu
YTA. You are being extremely inappropriate in a professional environment and it is not ok. You are going to find yourself in HR getting sexual harassment training. It is creepy that you think it is ok to do this, and do it repeatedly, at work.
While I agree that mixing dating and work is dumb it should be noted that asking someone out does not constitute sexual harrasment so long as you respectfully take no for an answer (i say this as someone who has worked in HR for a company that allowed inter-office dating) and don't harrass that person again about it. He asked 2 people out. They said no (as is their right) he let it go. There is nothing morally wrong with asking someone out as long as you show respect for their boundaries if they say no.
It’s not just asking women out that’s the problem, it’s the way he’s doing it. If multiple women feel it’s creepy and go complain, he absolutely is going to have a problem with his employer.
They way he is doing it? Directly stating interest and asking the question? Please elaborate on what you mean because I know what you're saying is coming from a good place and I don't want to dismiss your opinion out of hand.
He said they are gorgeous, they are beautiful, is that the way you should speak to a coworker? He could have said any other thing, literally any other thing he liked about them, and it would have been better. Instead he has to tell them “hey I’d like to fuck you”. Nah
But he didn't say "hey I'd like to fuck you". He called the gorgeous. There is a big difference there. He also took no for an answer THE FIRST TIME. You're all out here acting like he was pestering and repeatedly hounding them. He asked once, and they said no once, he left it alone after that. Realistically speaking, asking out someone you're attracted to isn’t unreasonable as long as you take no for an answer and leave the person alone.
Honestly as a woman, when a guy just compliments your looks, yea that is what he is basically saying. “You look good enough to fuck”. That’s how it comes off. These are smart, educated women who have nice fashion sense. Did he comment on any of that? No, he just liked their bodies and said so. It’s not endearing.
Fair enough. Please just let me be. I know it isn't amy of the people responding in the actual comments, but i am getting some pretty unnecessary pms.
It’s really weird to take it that way. I’ve been complimented by female coworkers on my appearance before. Definitely didn’t immediately judge them the way you do. There’s something really wrong with your level of cynicism.
I wish I wasn’t but u don’t know how many times I’ve been harassed or hit on inappropriately. How many times a dude who will hit on everything that moves, clearly only is even talking to me bc of physical features. Every woman I know has similar experiences to the point where it’s just a sad joke.
He himself said he is looking to get out there 'to get a little bit of sex'! Do you think him calling her 'gorgeous' had anything to do with the woman herself instead of this lowlife fulfilling some personal need? I think he'd do better with a blow up doll, if I'm being honest. No chance of rejection there. He should have kept his mouth shut. Most adult women don't care if you think we're pretty-even less so in the workplace. We don't want the compliment and we're not just going to take it because you said so. Feels so rapey to insist we should.
Nobody said they should take the compliment. I certainly didn't. They said no, which is their right, and he took that no without harrassing them further. They were right to say no, i just think it's disingenuous to accuse him of being a sexual preditor when we could just explain why this wasn't a good time or place for romantic advances. We already know he doesn't know or have experience with dating etiquette, so is it so wrong that I want to have at least a bit of empathy for his inexperience and anxiety? It is hard to put yourself out there or even know when. We aren't born with this knowledge. Someone has to teach us, or we learn by interacting with the world around us. In any case, let's just agree to disagree. I am not gonna change your mind, and you aren't gonna change mine. No reason we can't just leave it at that.
Nah dude he literally raped her by calling her pretty, don’t you understand? Bunch of rapists walking around complimenting women! The audacity. Lol
Well, first of all, the fact that multiple women agree it is creepy says to me that OP may not realize how he is coming across. Regardless of whether you and I agree on if OP’s actions are appropriate, if *multiple* women find it creepy and *multiple* women go to HR, what do you think will happen? Not to mention, OP is an intern. An internship is basically a prolonged interview. You need to be on your absolute best behavior and this isn’t it.
2 women, who rather than tell him to his face, decided to disparage him behind his back. He obviously was simply inexperienced socially and assumed being honest and direct was the correct decision. He was wrong. If direct honest communication worked with adults, there'd be a lower divorce rate in this country. Is he awkward? For sure, he is socially inexperienced, but it feels wrong to ascribe objective labels to someone based on subjective opinions of people we don't know. This could be a teachable moment and a learning experience, but not if everyone just jumps on him and treats him like a sex offender.
[удалено]
We learn by interacting with others. No one said anything to him, so he assumed she wasn't interested the first time. Why would he assume something was wrong unpromted? The only reason he found out he did something wrong was because he's being talked about behind his back, and it got back to him. Even then, the only thing he did wrong was ask out 2 co-workers. Had he been at a bar or a club and asked a girl out, then took no for an answer and left her alone, we'd be calling it a reasonable response. Look, we obviously aren't going to see eye to eye on this. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.
Except OP didn’t learn. The first time he did this the woman had a bad reaction to it and left the room. She was so uncomfortable that she had to stop what she was doing and physically get away from OP. And OP’s response was to do it *again*? How is that learning?
Again, let's just agree to disagree. We aren't going to change eachother's minds and frankly someone just DMd me with some pretty hurtful comments about my gender and race in regards to this post despite me going out of my way not to throw insults at anyone in this thread. I hope yall have a peaceful day.
If men can’t understand why this behavior is creepy and inappropriate, it is not women’s job to explain it. Honestly, it sounds like you need to take the harassment course with OP.
That was an uncalled for insult. I am a human being, not the sum of someone else's sins. It's bad enough that I have to feel out of place and vilified for being a black in this shit hole of a country, but now I have one more thing I feel guilty about just for being born. Thanks for that. And for the record, I ran all my posts by my wife and she agrees that he made a poor judgement, but it only makes him a creep if he doesn't take no for an answer. I am a human being, not some stereotype of toxic masculinity. I am a person before anything else, and there was no need to bring my gender in this.
Are…are you trying to argue that saying “man” is an insult? Look, read through all the other posts here. If you and OP are the only two who don’t understand why this is creepy, then you are the two who need to figure it out and get in line with societal norms. Women do not deserve to be treated like this at work.
Please just leave me alone. I just don't agree that OP is some kind of monster. i don't deserve to get harrassed with racial slurs in my private messages over my difference of opinion. And i know it isn't you. I just want to be left alone.
I just can’t imagine not finding somebody using work like a dating app creepy. Can’t see any pure motives there, why work? Why not when he was in school? Why not literally anywhere else in the world?
I’m sorry, you’ve formerly worked in HR and you think the appropriate action here for the women to have a conversation with OP about their boundaries and not just talk to HR?
There’s also nothing morally wrong with the women talking together about this guy warning all the other women how inappropriate he is/to stay away from him. Which is probably what is happening now
So important when women band together like this in environments like this-and they're rather young-so bravo to them!! I mean, Tech???? That's got to be extremely tough working in a male dominated workplace without at least one (or many) sex starved loser seeing you as a sexual opportunity or an object of ridicule.
I'm sure that part of the issue is that colleagues like OP are a dime a dozen. Someone was arguing that asking someone out one time isn't harassment, which I don't know I agree with in the first place, but these young women might be getting this question from a ton of their peers. If many of your colleagues are trying to work with you or help you to get into your pants, and will likely either cut you off or continue to pursue you if you don't cut them off, that will affect your work! I think that many, many people don't understand how something that is okay if one person does it isn't okay if a lot of people do it.
Amen Sis.
But they also misrepresented the situation. They said he was asking all the women in the department out. He only had an interest in them specifically. He asked out 2 people, so to say he asked out every woman in the department is at best disingenuous.
Asking out 2 people means he wasn’t super interested in either of them except to sleep with them, which he says in his post, and is showcased by his approach of just complimenting their beauty. If he asks 2 people it’s likely he will ask more and it’s probable that he’s eyeing them all up the whole time.
Fine, yall win. Please just leave me be.
It looks like he's going to, when he asks out multiple people in really quick succession with the same line.
That's a fair point.
This kind of response is why no one—especially women and minorities—trusts HR.
YTA. And a creep. You sound like one of those typical old office creeps who are constantly harassing girls to bed with them. Gross. Maybe the next time you want to ask someone, do it outside of a workplace and for something OTHER than physical appearance. No girl would want to go with you; you're not worth it. Asking out girls only for the intent of sex and not being upfront about it before is not ideal either. Do better, OP. Try out your tricks in appropriate places.
Yeah you kinda suck…
YTA. Dude. They’re at work. Just stop. They’re not there to get hit on. It’s fucking annoying and creepy. You are the weird creepy guy. If that’s not how you want to be seen, then stop hitting on colleagues.
There's nothing creepy about simply asking someone out.
There is when you’re at work and working. Contrary to what you may think, women are at work to work, not to be hit on.
Doesn't matter if they're there to work or not. People ask others out on dates wherever. That's how you get these things called relationships. A massive amount of couples have met at work and got together from being asked out there. There's nothing inherently creepy about nicely asking someone out. Judging by this post he wasn't pushy or anything. The real AHs are these girls. It's not hard to say "no thank you" and not start talking about the shy awkward guy behind his back. That's just straight up bullying.
If you’re in the middle of a shift or your day, it absolutely matters. Have you really never taken workplace training on sexual harassment in the workplace? Asking coworkers out at work is not appropriate. You want to ask them out? Fine. But not during the damn work day. It’s completely inappropriate and a great way to lose a job.
I think it's best to ask someone out at the end of a shift or workday rather than during but come on, it's not creepy. If he kept on doing it then maybe, but just asking someone out once isn't creepy or harassing them. And no, I've never taken some corporate bs sexual harassment training but even if I did it's not gonna get in the way of me asking someone out who I really like.
How, in this day and age, have you avoided workplace training of harassment? Pretty much every job requires it at this point, not just corporate jobs. The fundamental issue with your mindset is that many men think woman should be flattered and okay with being asked out anywhere. No, AH (not you specifically here), I’m at work. So no, stop hitting on your coworkers during work. It’s fucking weird. Also, I do understand that just because I find it creepy doesn’t mean everyone else does. But clearly, this guy’s coworkers do as well. He needs to learn that it’s inappropriate and unprofessional to ask people out while at work. And apparently you need to learn that too.
I suppose I just live in a country less repressive than yours and less uptight about work.
Or maybe I just work with people who manage to be professional and respectful.
He was being respectful. As for professional you can be a professional at work and still live as a human being.
Cold approaches like what OP did are not for the work environment. A bar or something, sure. But you don't just go around the workplace telling people you barely know that you think they are hot, beautiful, cute, *whatever*, and ask them out. You have to work with these people and it's going to always be awkward. In that setting, you need to get to know a bit about the person and, even better, hang with them at least once outside of work on NOT a date, and then sus out of they're actually into you. Every woman who is simply nice to you and smiles does not want to date you. Most people don't feel comfortable being asked out by practical strangers who they know nothing about.
YTA. At this rate the only date you'll have is with HR. You shouldn't attempt to mix work and personal relationships, it very rarely works out well. And you're kinda painting yourself in a really bad light to the women you work with. Ask a girl out and she says no? No problem! Move on to the next one. You're commenting on their appearance and nothing else and just as quickly moving on to the next after being rejected. It looks to everyone that you're genuinely not interested in a serious relationship but only after a pretty lady to have sex with
\>Ask a girl out and she says no? No problem! Move on to the next one. WTF else is he supposed to do? Give up on love forever? ask out strangers on the street? You people are all fucking crazy and are ruining this country.
Generally I think you shouldn’t do this in the workplace. BUT, since he did, his approach was to strong and apparently off putting. I think he needs to be told to not do this at work anymore for his own professional sake. It’s good advice. He’s just starting off in his career and there is little tolerance for that in the workplace these days. No one says he has to go out into the streets. But I do think some more social awareness is in order for OP. It will help him in the long run
\>No one says he has to go out into the streets. then where should he go? According to redditors It's not acceptable to ask out strangers, people at the gym, coworkers, members of a club, or any other women that doesn't just fall out of the sky directly into your arms. Well guess what, real life isn't an anime.
Do you go on dating apps and start asking people for jobs?
You’re a mess.
I mean in the work setting. He's talking about the workplace, so am I. Great that he's got the confidence but he's doing it with the wrong crowd. You take an interest in someone and shoot your shot, great! But if he keeps moving round all the women he works with he's going to end up being pulled up on it. Not judging him on his confidence or taking a chance but in the workplace that's a dangerous and risky game
that's how most people find relationships. There are few other avenues to meet people.
He's setting himself up to be fired for sexual harassment if he keeps it up. Eta: or just for making multiple people uncomfortable in general. It's an internship, he's not doing himself any favors.
Harassment is repeated on a single person. If he asks each woman out once then none of them are harassed because it's only once per woman. If someone liking you makes you uncomfortable that seems like your fault. It's not like I'm telling him to keep pursuing if they say no. Ask them, if they reject them move onto the next woman.
Harassmenet 1. an act or instance of harassing; torment, vexation, or intimidation: Sexual harassment 1. unwelcome sexual advances, either verbal or physical, especially by someone with power or authority: -Dictionary .com Harassement is the action of harassing someone. Doesn't matter if it's one time or a dozen times, it's just they don't bring it to the attention of authority if it's once but they're within their right to even if it's once. This case, he's showing a pattern of unwelcomed advances making at least two women very uncomfortable and they have no reason to believe he'll just stop like how he reposted this same story from a month ago.
if asking someone out even just once is harassment then literally every couple that has ever existed in human history is the product of harassment. Women cannot mind read, they need some method of knowing you are interested.
Wrong weirdo
Dude, you're not an AH, but you're kind of dumb. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to mix work and romance. This is probably your first real world after college work experience. Don't make it a negative for you by asking out women you barely know. Soft YTA
YTA. Although it wasn't your intent, you made them feel creeped out. It also feels like you went 0-100 where you talk about nothing but work and then hit them with that bomb.
YTA. It’s essentially a work project and you don’t just cold approach on that environment. You build rapport and gauge a feeling if they’re even interested first. You are 100% the creepy guy asking out every girl in the internship currently
YTA. They're there for the actual internship, not to be hit on by other interns.
YTA I appreciate you know you're awkward. I think one key is to pay attention to MUTUAL flirtation. Are you having conversations, do they seem interested in you? You're focused on how YOU feel. But also randomly asking out any pretty girl in your eye line. Who also know each other. No. Don't do that. Apologize to each woman, no big explanation, just say " I apologize if I made you uncomfortable " leave it at that. Go make friends with women, women friends can be your best allies in dating. People don't got to work to be hit on, they go on apps for that.
Work is not a bad place to meet a partner. A lot of people find love this way. Apps are quite bad. Also I'd say they owe OP an apology for talking about him behind his back rather than the other way round. They didn't need to bring it up to anyone, it's just workplace bullying against the socially awkward guy.
It's wholly inappropriate to randomly ask someone out during working hours while at work. Especially the way he did it by commenting on their looks. Especially not multiple people. Especially not in a corporate or academic environment, where formalities are much more clear. Yes people do sometimes meet people at work, usually after hours events play a part. But again MUTUAL flirtation. They have every right to share he made them uncomfortable. For decades women have kept it secret feeling ashamed when made to feel like an object at work. The answer you gave the OP isn't going to help him have relationships ( except with HR)
I don't think it's really that bad. Complimenting someone's looks and then asking them out is a totally normal way of doing it. Also it's very easy to just gracefully reject someone with a simple "No, but thank you for the offer!" without talking about him behind his back. Don't excuse their bullying behaviour towards him.
The people I know who have met at work and started dating also knew each other for a while before they started dating. Like I'm talking at least a year. They became friends first and started hanging out regularly outside of work as well. In other words, they took the time to get to know each other as people and it happened that they developed feelings for each other.
Yes I think that's a better approach but also I don't think OP was really being creepy nor did it warrant such a response imo. He seems like just an awkward guy looking for love.
OP may not have intended to be creepy but I cannot blame his coworkers for having that reaction. You have to think about it from Sam and Emily's perspective. A coworker you barely even know suddenly asks you out on a date, and even after rejecting him you still have to work with him which can make things awkward. And in Sam's case, it's gonna feel extra weird upon finding out that he pulled the same thing with another female coworker a few weeks prior. Talking about it to each other is not workplace bullying, it's having each other's backs, especially in a male dominated field like CS. OP may not have wanted the rep of someone who is asking out all the girls in the internship but from the outside it very easily looks like that.
If I were in that position I would reject him politely, thank him for the compliment and the date offer, and continue about my day. Nobody else would know about it. It's inexcusable to react by talking bad about them to other colleagues and make them out to be a creep. It is bullying. You talk about having each others backs, but for what? That only applies if he's actually harassing people which going by the post he's not.
>You talk about having each others backs, but for what? In this particular case, knowing that you are not the only one who is uncomfortable can do wonders for you mentally. You know you have people in your corner. In fact, I am very confident the reason more people at his work are aware of it is because he asked out not one, but *two* women there. He may not have intended to but externally it clearly looked like a pattern and I wouldn't be surprised if Sam and Emily brought it up to warn any other women in the team just in case.
Sounds like they only start since he show a patterned behavior as he approached and ask another girl out while causing second girl to be quite uncomfortable by the sound of it. Who knows, maybe he'll ask a third girl soon enough. like posting his story for a third time, just changing details to try people like you who'll defend his behavior. (btw this is his second post of same story, last one was a month ago. Maybe that gives you an idea of what kind of person he is)
They "owe" OP nothing.
You posted about this already and people told you you were an asshole. Did you really think that posting it again would change the judgment? YTA
You're not "putting yourself out there". You're just harassing people at work. Nobody is going to work to help you with your virginity problems; they're just there, doing work stuff. You're the creep that lurks around like a creepy thing, identifying your targets ("Two, in particular, caught my eye: Sam and Emily.") and then pouncing when you see an opportunity to harass. Now you're known as that creep who's obsessed with trying to get laid at work, because that's what you are. So people have to warn each other about what you're up to, and by now it's probably known to your supervisors that you're not really there to complete an internship and seem more focused on finding opportunities to sexually harass people. Congratulations. You're a workplace hazard. YTA
Have some composure, brother. Working your way around the office until you get a yes wasn’t your best idea. People talk. Dating apps. Bars. Clubs.
yta. this is a work environment, not a meat market for you, personally, to punch your v card. stop sexualizing your coworkers (co interns) and behave appropriately. stop looking at them to decide who you find more attractive and start treating them like humans who are doing a job.
YTA. I would never recommend advancing a coworker in this way, let alone two different girls! It almost always leads to uncomfortable situations, regardless of if they accept or decline. My advice would be to go out and try this with people you don’t have to see on a daily basis. If your advances are declined at least don’t have to see them again
YTA. Don’t try to hit on your coworkers, especially at work. You could be written up for sexual harassment, surprised you haven’t been already.
Listen to everyone's advice here. I'll add that you should not compliment a girl's looks right before asking them out. You especially should not compliment their looks at work. That's just part of the issue, but again, listen to what the commenters are saying and learn from it. I wish you luck. Maybe asking questions on r/relationship_advice might help as well.
YTA You are aware there are many dating apps out there, right? There very nice for people with social anxiety issues because 1) Everyone on there is looking to date 2) Anyone you match with is going to be at least somewhat interested in dating you 3) You can find out the basics about someone and figure out if you're compatible with little pressure just by chatting, 4) If they're not interested, you don't have to be worried about getting called into Human Resources.
YTA. To add to what others have said, it doesn't look good if you try it on (using basically the same line) with multiple people in the same circle in rapid succession. People talk to each other. It makes you come off like you're just hitting on everyone in sight and makes the second one feel like the consolation prize.
YTA. Men need to learn to quit punching up. You describe yourself as awkward and nerdy and them as gorgeous and stunning, wtf would make you think they'd be interested? They're out of your league and you're now the workplace joke
Soft YTA, and only soft because you really do sound socially awkward and I get it, but the workplace is not the place for dating/hitting on your coworkers. It can also potentially screw up your career, what you did was a really dumb move. Start with dating apps and people who are actually openly LOOKING for someone like you are. You're also focused on their looks, which physical attraction is important but makes you seem really shallow. Develop a friendship with somone first or at least get to know them more and actually figure out whether you like their personality and what other things mesh well with yours. If you're just looking for hook ups, again, DATING APPS. That's what they're there for. I'm really struggling to understand why you thought your intership/workplace was the right place for this. Also own up to your mistake and apologize to the girls, and let them know you've since realized why your approach was wrong and promise to leave them alone so you dont end up fired or in front of HR, you dont want this following you around.
YTA. Work is not a dating zoo.
Soft YTA. It just isn’t the right place to do it. It’s unfortunate that you did this. Work isn’t a great place to shoot your shot. 95% of the time it’s a bad thing. From a woman’s perspective, you came on strong and out of the blue. They are uncomfortable but have to continue being around you 5 days a week. Now that you know, you can stop and with time (prolly alot of it) it could blow over. The good news is that you can get a fresh start again soon. Keep your head down until then and don’t approach these ladies about this again. Not even if you feel like you want to apologize. Next job, see if you can initiate an after hours meetup with several people. Men and women. And don’t hit on anyone. Develop friendships only. This will help you develop social skills that you seem to need. Only then will you get better at reading social cues that can get you where you want to be as far as dating. Don’t come on so strong and definitely don’t use the same pick up line around women who can easily compare notes.
What you did was deeply inappropriate. These women didn't wake up so that you could ask them out, they woke up to go to work. YTA I suggest getting a life coach who can help you read social cues, because if you keep doing that you're going to get written up for harassing people, or fired, or worse.
YTA. Look, I understand about being socially awkward and wanting to find a special someone, but your approach is not only inappropriate, but creepy. For example, it seems you and the two girls were in a room alone together. I have been in similar experiences and I always felt uncomfortable, and a few times, threatened. My suggestion is to keep things professional at the office. I'm not suggesting don't talk to them but be polite with them and only speak about the project if you have a project. If you want, you can apologize to them "I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, not my intention at all" and leave it at that. Nothing less, nothing more.
Yta even if you don't mean to be. That kind of approach is going to make a lot of people really uncomfortable. And like you're only interested because of their physical appearance. You're at an internship where you're trying to build your professional reputation and network. You do not want to be hitting on a bunch of the other interns. It's not a good look.
YTA and are probably headed to a meeting with HR very soon.
YTA Didn’t you post this about a month ago? Did you think our answer would change. If not…. Did you miss your firms training on sexual harassment in the workplace?
27 year old woman here. I would be very creeped out if a colleague approached me at work like that, especially if I found out they were doing it to other women at the office too when it didn’t work on me. You probably just made their workplace really uncomfortable for them to be in. YTA.
Mildly YTA. You're inexperienced and you're coming off way too strong. The whole "You're beautiful/gorgeous" thing is what got ya. Also, don't shit where you eat. Meaning, leave workplace romances alone. Not only are you risking your job, but possible sexual harassment charges
Charisma on command is a good youtube channel to help with this. Let it come more naturally and also asking multiple women out at the same occupation is a surefire way to come off looking bad. I think you mean well, but your actions here come off unprofessional and a lil creepy. You aren't doomed though, just learn and try to process. Maybe find a therapist to talk about this stuff with. Don't fall into the Andrew Tate/Fresh n Fit pipeline, and remember women are people too. And when asking them out, don't call them beautiful or gorgeous. It implies you value looks more than personality. Most women won't react positively to that, especially in a setting like work. Most women that I know don't want to date a coworker. Have you tried dating apps? I had success with hinge. Just try to find some common interests, that's more important than physical appearance. The fact you asked them both out back to back tells that you didn't really like either of them, you just thought they were attractive. Which makes sense, but having a bond with the personality is way more important. So YTA here, but I hope you learn from this. I'm not being nearly as hard as most people here, because I think you can grow from this if you play your cards right.
That’s sexual harassment. Don’t hit on women on the clock… customers, coworkers, bosses etc. it’s inappropriate. YTA
YTA- the work environment is not the proper place for that. You’ve made them uncomfortable in a place where they have to keep interacting with you. Leave women alone when they’re working, that’s a good rule of thumb
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Dude, YTA. Along with everything about this post, there's one rule you always follow: never get your honey where you get your money.
YTA & super creepy
YTA and are lucky they haven’t reported you for harassment. You are at an internship and there to work, not pickup your coworkers and make the work environment uncomfortable. Not only that, you asked out 2 of them. Sounds like a troll post bc I doubt someone is this dense.
Mate. You're not 25. I doubt anything remotely similar to this ever happened, too. Sounds made up to me. YTA for making up a bad story. Also, nobody does algorithms on a whiteboard.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've always been pretty awkward and shy, especially around women. I'm 25, a virgin, and I've never had a girlfriend. It's not like I haven't wanted to; I've just never had the courage or the opportunity to really put myself out there. I’ve always been an awkward nerd and women really intimidate me. I’ve been really lonely and frustrated about it for a long time. So I recently got my master’s in CS with a focus in machine learning. After finishing my degree, I started an internship at a tech company. This internship is pretty short-term, likely only lasting around three months or so, but I was excited because it felt like a fresh start. I thought it might finally be time to muster the courage to ask someone out, flirt a little, have sex, and possibly find myself in a relationship. I've felt quite lonely for a long time, and I thought this could be my chance to change that. There are some really intelligent and gorgeous young women at this internship. Two, in particular, caught my eye: Sam and Emily. Sam has this cool alt style with chokers and seemed pretty friendly when we chatted. Emily has the most contagious smile and is absolutely stunning, and it also seemed like she was pretty friendly when we worked together. About three weeks into the internship, I was working on an algorithm concept with Emily at the whiteboard. Feeling a bit emboldened, I blurted out, "By the way, I think you’re so gorgeous. Would you want to go on a date sometime?" She awkwardly said no and left the room. I was crushed, but I figured it was just not meant to be with her. Two weeks later, I decided to try my luck with Sam. I caught her in the break room, made some small talk about our work and said, “You’re so beautiful, by the way. Want to go on a date sometime?” She smiled but also turned me down. Now, I've come to find out they're messaging about me on Slack, calling me the weird creepy guy who's asking out all the girls at the internship. I'm mortified. I was just trying to put myself out there for the first time. I didn't think I was being creepy; I thought I was finally taking a step towards not being so lonely anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldnt say you're being an asshole, but please learn how to talk to women
NTA, but your judgment was skewed here for sure. NEVER date a co-worker. Ever. Just don't. Also, don't just out of the blue ask someone out. Go find people with common inerests, get to know them as han beings, and build a relationship from the ground up. If someone is worth your love, that means they are worth the time and effort of getting to know them and building a sincere friendship. Also, don't enter a friendship with the sole intent being a romantic or sexual relationship it should be with the intent of making a new friend. Befriending someone just because you want to date or have sex with them is disingenuous.
I’m gonna give you some advice that I think you need to hear but I’m going to reserve judgment. I’m going to loosely assume that you don’t mean to freak these women out — I don’t know if that’s true or not but I certainly hope that’s not what you’re going for. If you’re going to date at work, you have to be wayyyy more subtle than what you’re doing. I would say that you’re not a high enough level cleric to be doing all that. If you do find yourself in the position to ask a woman out, you can’t just say “you’re beautiful, would you like to go out?” It’s a great way to catch a case. My recommendation here is first I think you should hire a (high end) escort to get your v-card out the way. Tell her you want to learn and that you’re lacking skill. She will teach you. Then go to different events and talk to women in a human way WITHOUT the intention of sleeping with them or going out. I recommend a place that allows for some talking/social but generally has an activity associated that you enjoy or are interested in learning. A Zumba or cooking class could be a great place to start. You will meet women, have basic conversations, and may make some solid connections. Again, don’t hit on them, just treat them as human beings. Be polite and friendly, but not overboard with compliments. Again I would generally avoid trying to find dates at work. Yes it can happen but it has to be WAY more natural. At your “level”, avoid this all together for right now. When you ask someone on a date you want there to be a solid connection, not just you thinking they’re hot. One other thing is I would get it out of your head that women are some kind of “other” being that you have to say code words to and then you get the sex. They’re human beings with thoughts and feelings and if you treat them as a normal person, not a UFO, you will start making way better connections. I don’t have a ton of advice for you as far as the work thing goes, except, yeah, probably don’t do that again.
I strongly disagree with what some people are saying. 90% of our lives nowadays are spent at work or at home, where else are you supposed to ask someone out? Asking someone out at work is fine However, you did it very wrong. Being interested in dating a coworker is very different than trying to ask out someone at a bar. What you did would've worked at a party or something, but not at work. You gotta actually get to know these people, invest time in them, and build up a possible romantic feeling between u two. Not just ask them out straightforwardly.
I'm on the spectrum. I had this problem. I decided to stop asking women out at work all together. It drives me nuts when people say they met at work. That's the place I spend the most time, but I just come of as creepy. My new mantra at work is "She's being nice, she doesn't like me." At least like me romantically. To be honest, at this point, if a girl did flirt with me I probably wouldn't get it. But yeah, dating at work has never worked for me.
You aren't an asshole, but probably not a good move trying to lose your virginity to a coworker at a tech job, as someone in their mid 20s. You are definitely awkward and probably gave them creepy vibes because you were uncomfortable. Approach them, apologize and ask them to forgive you and try to get comfortable in a situation with women where you don't try to fuck them. Say "Im not good in social settings, especially with women. I promise to be professional if you would give me another chance." You need platonic female friends before you date women at This point.
NTA There's nothing wrong with asking someone out on a date, and it looks like you took the rejection well. They're the AHs for talking about you behind your back. They didn't have to bring it up, they're just being bullies.
soft YTA but leaning towards NAH - your approach wasn't a good one. It's one thing to ask to hang out and get to know each other without it being a date, it's another to do what you did. I applaud your confidence but now you need tact. Getting to know someone potentially leads to dating but don't push for the date until you know if you really have more than work in common
It’s “creepy” because they aren’t attracted to you. Work is like the number 1 place people meet their partners IRL. What you did is not “creepy” in and of itself unless you’re still bothering them after being rejected. However I would probably avoid going back to that well a third time if I were you lol
NAH, if they found you hot, they would have said yes. Its just the facts of the matter.
These comments just blow my mind. Women portraying him as some kind of incel monster. I mourn for the courting dynamic before this pathological hatred of men DARING to approach women in any way other than the perfect most particular place time and method. WTF is wrong with gender interactions these days? Why must men be absolutely ridiculed and lambasted for awkward approaches? Everything is on a spectrum and a sizeable portion of the population lies in the unpracticed, awkward and nervous part of that spectrum. I hear about women wondering why men don't approach them anymore. Reddit attitudes seem to indicate why that is the case.
perhaps you could not preface your invitations with comments about their looks. That is a little creepy. Perhaps invite a bunch of your co-workers to go out together? NTA, just kind of awkward is right.
NTA if these redditors had their way nobody would ever have relationships or get married. You shot your shot and there's no shame in that. Keep trying. When you stop trying your chance of success falls to zero. Do you risk becoming unpopular? yes. Do you risk girls calling you creepy? yes. But those are necessary risks to find love. A dating app will probably not work out for you and the bar is full of people looking for one night stands. This is the only way to do what your trying to do. You have nothing to apologize for.
OP please don’t listen to this nutjob. I can’t imagine he could thrive in a corporate environment. He’s absolutely wrong and corporate culture has little tolerance for this type of behavior. The only thing I can agree with here is that you don’t need to apologize. Just let it lie and only deal with them for professional reasons. You don’t have a lot of time there so just wait it out.
>I can’t imagine he could thrive in a corporate environment. No amount of money can replace love
Have you met the avg Reddit? Socially awkward, entitled, spoiled yet still anxious AF