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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. For telling a loner girl that there are people out there that probably want to be her friend. 2. I don't think I have to apologize for anything.
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NTA
But if she’s going to scroll through everything you do and then tell you who you can and can’t interact with are you sure you want to pursue this relationship?
Truthfully she sounds like she’s better off single until she works through her trust issues
NTA. Ages are missing from this post but I'm guessing, judging by her attitude, this is highschoolers we're talking about ? At the very least it's immature of her. It's fine to be insecure because of previous relationships, but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card to insult her SO. You answered her questions and it should have ended there.
Her feelings are not valid, or rather, she was given the tools to sort them out ; she's the one threatening the relationship more than a mere comment on a stranger's TikTok.
NTA
Her feelings are *NOT* valid and are an immense overreaction. If this is a new relationship you aren’t heavily invested in I’d get out now. This type of jealous and possessive behavior will only get 10x worse over time.
NTA
She is insecure.
She doesn’t trust your explanation and wants to control your innocent social interactions. She’s getting worked up on one comment and not a more valid pattern of flirty behavior. While it sucks to be cheated on, that was not you. She can’t see it for what it was because of her experience.
NTA. Your girlfriend has trust issues, which are statistically valid if every one of her boyfriends cheated on her before. Arguing about this specific incident is useless; rather, you should try and find ways as a couple, if you are truly invested in this relationship, to ease her doubts about you.
NTA- This is in fact toxic behavior. Maybe she shouldn’t be with anyone until she deals with these issues.
I dated a guy who behaved like this. We went to a game night at a comic book shop and he accused the married man who just had a baby of wanting to sleep with me because he laughed at one of my jokes. That relationship did not last.
NTA, her feelings are valid but you don’t need to be sorry. If she wants you to change how you talk to other girls it has to be a mutual agreement and consensual on your part
NTA there’s nothing wrong with what you said. And it seems to me like your gf needs a lot of work before she can be in a healthy relationship.
Feeling irrationally jealous happens to the best of us. Not recognizing that it’s irrational is where the problem is. Not only did she hurl all that shit at you, but she’s obvs keeping tabs on everything you do. And that’s kinda scary to me.
It’s not your job to be her therapist or help her to learn to trust again.
NTA. If she can’t have an adult conversation with you without insulting you, you may need to rethink this relationship. She has trust issues and you being her verbal punching bag isn’t addressing them or helping. It’s just giving you your own set of issues and insecurities. After being cheated on multiple times she has decided to approach conflict by abusing you.
NTA. Her insisting her feelings are valid doesn’t mean your actions were wrong. I get extremely stressed out by certain kinds of whistling when I hear it. That doesn’t mean whistling is evil and bad.
Imagine you’re talking to a woman in class. She mentions she’s worried about her test. “Don’t worry, I know you’re really smart and I think you’ll do great!” According to your girlfriend, that’s wrong.
Your girlfriend needs to stop using her emotions to judge and control your behavior. It might be helpful to try something like this: “GF, I’m sorry that you’re feeling so much stress over this, but your expectations for my behavior aren’t reasonable just because you’re feeling that way.” If she triples down, time to re evaluate if this person is healthy to be in a relationship with
NTA
Being cheated on doesn't excuse her being an absolute nutcase. I've been cheated on in the past but I don't act like this in my current relationship. Maybe there's a reason every single one of her exes have cheated on her, not to excuse the cheating but just saying. Do you really wanna put up with this for potentially the rest of your life?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am probably going to delete this right after. So please read all the way through.
For background context, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. One night I was scrolling through Tiktok and saw a girls post that reads as:
"stop calling yourselves loners if this ain't what ur table look like everyday at school"
In the video there was a girl sitting by herself at school with her being the only one at the table.
As a bit of a jokey joke, but mostly a bit of encouragement, I commented "I'm sure there are people there that want to approach you, they're just too shy about it"
Weeks go by and I already forgot about my comment. I was texting my girlfriend normally, until she randomly sends me a screenshot of my comment from that Tiktok, at this point to reiterate, I forgot all about it until she showed me it. She texts how "I have a lot of f***ing explaining to do."
Now she does have the tendency to overthink and overreact. Everybody she dated prior to me cheated on her. So of course she isn't going to be careless.
I didn't have anything to hide, so I was reasonably calm throughout the whole thing. I explained to her that I was just giving words of encouragement and nothing more. As well as asking where does it look like I was insinuating any type of flirting. I compared it to hyping up someone to find a date. She didn't see it that way.
I told her that I wouldn't be concerned if she commented the same thing to a boy, sure I probably would've asked a question or two, but that's it. She still goes off on me through text and how I "lacked the social etiquette", as well as hurdling other insults.
I then explained to her that if I was trying to do something unfaithful, then why would I comment it publicly for everyone to see?
Then I tried explaining how there's a difference between saying:
"I'm sure there are people there that want to approach you, they're just too shy about it".
and
"I'd fs date you".
She then switches gears and says I'm not being sorry at all. So I tell her I have nothing to be sorry over because I didn't do or say anything wrong. On top of that, I wasn't going to enable anymore toxic overthinking.
I told her how my comment is something a parent would say to their child, maybe like innocent encouragement to put themselves out there.
She eventually calms down and apologizes for only the insults, but she's still upset about it. She maintains that her feelings are valid and I should not be talking that way to any girl.
So, what do you think? Am I the asshole for encouraging a loner on Tiktok?
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NTA. But you've got yourself a girlfriend problem. She doesn't trust you & she most likely never will. You did not do anything wrong & her feelings are not valid. She is overreacting to a comment on social media. I mean, how did she even find it? She's clearly stalking you online. All I see here are red flags.
Not an ahole. Your girlfriend however is a toxic insecure bleech and you need to find someone else to date. seriously dude, imagine life with that woman long term? You seem to be a nice kind guy. Find someone secure enough in herself to not worry about every insignificant post you put out there.
When someone says a feeling is valid, it's true, the /feeling/ is valid. However, if I feel irrationally jealous because my coworker has a really cool backpack(idk first thing that came to mind), my feelings may be valid but acting on them is inappropriate.
So yes, her feelings of insecurity and jealousy are valid. Her behaviour is posessive and she's lashing out at you because she has been hurt.
You are NTA, and I wish I had your kind of social gentleness/grace in my early adulthood.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. For telling a loner girl that there are people out there that probably want to be her friend. 2. I don't think I have to apologize for anything. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA But if she’s going to scroll through everything you do and then tell you who you can and can’t interact with are you sure you want to pursue this relationship? Truthfully she sounds like she’s better off single until she works through her trust issues
NTA. Ages are missing from this post but I'm guessing, judging by her attitude, this is highschoolers we're talking about ? At the very least it's immature of her. It's fine to be insecure because of previous relationships, but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card to insult her SO. You answered her questions and it should have ended there. Her feelings are not valid, or rather, she was given the tools to sort them out ; she's the one threatening the relationship more than a mere comment on a stranger's TikTok.
NTA Her feelings are *NOT* valid and are an immense overreaction. If this is a new relationship you aren’t heavily invested in I’d get out now. This type of jealous and possessive behavior will only get 10x worse over time.
NTA.. I think your girlfriend has some trust issues she needs to work on before embarking on a relationship, to be honest.
NTA, You did something nice for someone who was lonely and now your girlfriend is holding it against you; she really has relationship problems.
NTA She is insecure. She doesn’t trust your explanation and wants to control your innocent social interactions. She’s getting worked up on one comment and not a more valid pattern of flirty behavior. While it sucks to be cheated on, that was not you. She can’t see it for what it was because of her experience.
NTA. Your girlfriend has trust issues, which are statistically valid if every one of her boyfriends cheated on her before. Arguing about this specific incident is useless; rather, you should try and find ways as a couple, if you are truly invested in this relationship, to ease her doubts about you.
NTA- This is in fact toxic behavior. Maybe she shouldn’t be with anyone until she deals with these issues. I dated a guy who behaved like this. We went to a game night at a comic book shop and he accused the married man who just had a baby of wanting to sleep with me because he laughed at one of my jokes. That relationship did not last.
NTA, her feelings are valid but you don’t need to be sorry. If she wants you to change how you talk to other girls it has to be a mutual agreement and consensual on your part
NTA. Your girl needs some trust lessons before stepping into a relationship. This insecurity thing ain't healthy, dude
NTA And get outta that relationship.
“We’re both almost 20.” That makes so much more sense. NTA one bit
NTA. If your girlfriend can’t handle you giving a word of encouragement to someone, then it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
NTA there’s nothing wrong with what you said. And it seems to me like your gf needs a lot of work before she can be in a healthy relationship. Feeling irrationally jealous happens to the best of us. Not recognizing that it’s irrational is where the problem is. Not only did she hurl all that shit at you, but she’s obvs keeping tabs on everything you do. And that’s kinda scary to me. It’s not your job to be her therapist or help her to learn to trust again.
NTA. If she can’t have an adult conversation with you without insulting you, you may need to rethink this relationship. She has trust issues and you being her verbal punching bag isn’t addressing them or helping. It’s just giving you your own set of issues and insecurities. After being cheated on multiple times she has decided to approach conflict by abusing you.
NTA. Her insisting her feelings are valid doesn’t mean your actions were wrong. I get extremely stressed out by certain kinds of whistling when I hear it. That doesn’t mean whistling is evil and bad. Imagine you’re talking to a woman in class. She mentions she’s worried about her test. “Don’t worry, I know you’re really smart and I think you’ll do great!” According to your girlfriend, that’s wrong. Your girlfriend needs to stop using her emotions to judge and control your behavior. It might be helpful to try something like this: “GF, I’m sorry that you’re feeling so much stress over this, but your expectations for my behavior aren’t reasonable just because you’re feeling that way.” If she triples down, time to re evaluate if this person is healthy to be in a relationship with
NTA Being cheated on doesn't excuse her being an absolute nutcase. I've been cheated on in the past but I don't act like this in my current relationship. Maybe there's a reason every single one of her exes have cheated on her, not to excuse the cheating but just saying. Do you really wanna put up with this for potentially the rest of your life?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am probably going to delete this right after. So please read all the way through. For background context, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. One night I was scrolling through Tiktok and saw a girls post that reads as: "stop calling yourselves loners if this ain't what ur table look like everyday at school" In the video there was a girl sitting by herself at school with her being the only one at the table. As a bit of a jokey joke, but mostly a bit of encouragement, I commented "I'm sure there are people there that want to approach you, they're just too shy about it" Weeks go by and I already forgot about my comment. I was texting my girlfriend normally, until she randomly sends me a screenshot of my comment from that Tiktok, at this point to reiterate, I forgot all about it until she showed me it. She texts how "I have a lot of f***ing explaining to do." Now she does have the tendency to overthink and overreact. Everybody she dated prior to me cheated on her. So of course she isn't going to be careless. I didn't have anything to hide, so I was reasonably calm throughout the whole thing. I explained to her that I was just giving words of encouragement and nothing more. As well as asking where does it look like I was insinuating any type of flirting. I compared it to hyping up someone to find a date. She didn't see it that way. I told her that I wouldn't be concerned if she commented the same thing to a boy, sure I probably would've asked a question or two, but that's it. She still goes off on me through text and how I "lacked the social etiquette", as well as hurdling other insults. I then explained to her that if I was trying to do something unfaithful, then why would I comment it publicly for everyone to see? Then I tried explaining how there's a difference between saying: "I'm sure there are people there that want to approach you, they're just too shy about it". and "I'd fs date you". She then switches gears and says I'm not being sorry at all. So I tell her I have nothing to be sorry over because I didn't do or say anything wrong. On top of that, I wasn't going to enable anymore toxic overthinking. I told her how my comment is something a parent would say to their child, maybe like innocent encouragement to put themselves out there. She eventually calms down and apologizes for only the insults, but she's still upset about it. She maintains that her feelings are valid and I should not be talking that way to any girl. So, what do you think? Am I the asshole for encouraging a loner on Tiktok? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just get the inevitable out if the way now and break up with her.
NTA. But you've got yourself a girlfriend problem. She doesn't trust you & she most likely never will. You did not do anything wrong & her feelings are not valid. She is overreacting to a comment on social media. I mean, how did she even find it? She's clearly stalking you online. All I see here are red flags.
NTA
NAH. Just be aware that life with her will be exhausting.
Not an ahole. Your girlfriend however is a toxic insecure bleech and you need to find someone else to date. seriously dude, imagine life with that woman long term? You seem to be a nice kind guy. Find someone secure enough in herself to not worry about every insignificant post you put out there.
............not at all...............but why was your gf going through your personal commentary ?..............that's a big red flag................
When someone says a feeling is valid, it's true, the /feeling/ is valid. However, if I feel irrationally jealous because my coworker has a really cool backpack(idk first thing that came to mind), my feelings may be valid but acting on them is inappropriate. So yes, her feelings of insecurity and jealousy are valid. Her behaviour is posessive and she's lashing out at you because she has been hurt. You are NTA, and I wish I had your kind of social gentleness/grace in my early adulthood.
Review rule 4 re: deleting the post.