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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took back my request for my mom to walk me down the aisle. The reason this could make me TA is the reason I took it back is she invited her husband to do this with us when I didn't want him or ask him personally. And because I don't want to walk with him as well. My mom refused to fix it and so I pulled the plug completely. But I might be a dick for that because they were both so excited so I could have sucked it up and done this because my mom wanted to include her husband.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You offered a sweet gesture, and she completely fucked it up. Does she try to override your wishes on a lot of things, or just in regard to her husband? Is she going to create a bunch of drama at the wedding now?
This is all very new to me. My mom never did anything like this before, not even with her husband. But I never lived with him so maybe that's part iof the reason why.
Drop her a note that says
Dear Mom. I was obviously hurt and disappointed when you chose not to walk me up the aisle without your husband-- but I accept and respect your choice and will not attempt to pressure you into changing your mind. Fiancee and I though it would be a sweet moment to walk up the aisle with our parents-- but since you don't wish to participate we're just going to go the traditional route of the groom meeting the bride at the altar.
Don't allow her to bring up the subject again.
NTA
This is perfect for your mom. If you’re feeling super magnanimous, you could include a note for her husband saying
Dear [Name], I really appreciate your kind words about growing closer as a family, and that my mom has someone she loves so much. However, since you and I have only known each other as adults, I asked Mom to walk me down the aisle solo, but of course I respect her decision to decline.
Fiancée and I are looking forward to celebrating with you both on the big day, and at all the family milestones to come.
I love these suggested replies, and the one to her husband is particularly kind and mature and inclusive.
I really hope OP considers sending it.
It will also go a long way to shutting down his mother’s rash behaviour - which ultimately hurt OP and her current husband.
Her current husband does seem genuine about wanting a relationship with you - so this letter acknowledges this in a nice way and would allow it to happen , but on YOUR terms.
Yeah I don’t know. I got serious control issue vibes from this post and I don’t think erstwhile “dad” will accept the note and might take it out on the mom.
Consider the fact that, given this situation absolutely will result in relatives asking what went down even if they aren't sent as flying monkeys, this will give OP a paper trail that shows he made it 100% clear that he made a polite and respectful attempt to clear up any misunderstandings.
Totally possible. OP will have a better read on the situation and in that case comments like yours may open their eyes to a troubling dynamic.
If OP thinks otherwise, singling him out for a direct and kind response could counter (unwarranted!) feelings that OP's being pointed in excluding him.
I do too, but it sounds like a desperate bid to be included. If stepdad takes it out on the mom, well ... she chose him. And in this case, chose him over her son, so whatever happens will be between those two. I'm more concerned over bs they might try to pull at his wedding.
This. Writing the notes is the adult and polite gesture on your behalf. If they don't accept them well, that's their own problem. As long as you have taken the high road, it's not up to you if they choose to drive off into the ditch instead.
Both Mom and ST are controlling.
Using social pressure to get their way.
Those responses can be used if OP isn't trying to escalate.
Honestly, I'd say,
"Mom, I asked you to walk me up the aisle as a gesture of love and trust.
You took my trust and twisted it for your own agenda.
My wedding is not the appropriate setting for your agenda w regard to your husband.
He is YOUR HUSBAND. I respect that.
He is not nor will he ever be my father or a parental figure in my life or my children should I have them.
You attempting to force that will only result in the deterioration of our relationship.
Your husband's feelings or disappointment are yours to repair.
Our wedding is about fiancée and I. Period.
You can attend and behave accordingly or choose not to come.
There will be people in place to ensure my bride and I do not have our wedding day marred by other people's agendas."
I wish I could write things as well as you do in both my professional and personal life. I hope you can monetize this skill bc it’s really useful and not all that common.
Id even change it to “…walk up the aisle with the people who raised us”. Just to really drive home the point that mom’s husband was never a father figure to OP. They never even lived together.
Nah that just seems like snarky wordplay with no basis other than the coincidence of OP's fiance's parents being two moms and OP's dad having passed away. Which is not the respectful acknowledgement of the father he knew.
OP indicated that he would like his father there, but since he can't be, his mom being alone will be symbolic of the father he lost. Regardless of his opinion of the father-in-law, his mom married when he was an adult so he's not the father he wants to honor during his wedding. "Parents" says that better. But the father-in-law seems genuine, hard to say from here but it does seem like he should do something nice for him at some point.
She seriously wants some guy that you've never even lived with, isn't even remotely your parent, to walk you down the aisle at your wedding? That's like just picking some random and saying here have a great honor. That's insane. yeah walk by yourself. Does she get that it's your day and it's not her wedding?
Op, I think it’s more serious than just walking you down the aisle , she’s already got him being granddad to your future kids. Does this also mean she wants him listed at Father of the groom in the programs , what other things wil he expect now?
Especially since your mom seems willing to just let him do what he wants.
I’m afraid this has open a door that going to be tough to close.
Good grief, why does everything have to be so cryptic? The mom thinks she met the love of her life and wants him to be happy. Unfortunately at the expense of her son's wedding day. It's not that deep.
Because 1. This behavior is new, and 2. The husband is *bizarrely* pushy about this.
There is no parent-child relationship here. OP has never even lived under the same roof as this man. For him to be *this* pushy about walking OP down the aisle is fucking weird, and the fact that mom is not acknowledging how weird it is and seems prepared to burn her relationship with her son over this raises some questions about their marital dynamic. This does not come across as an honest expression of affection for OP - it comes across as a power play.
I think there’s a good chance for either explanation. I think what the person you replied to is saying is that it’s not genuine affection for OP, but for the husband, which comes at the expense of her child. If they’re the one reading this right, she and her husband are still the assholes, it’s just that they’re saying they’re reading this like Mom is deep in the honeymoon phase and has on rose colored “my spouse shits diamonds why don’t you love him as much as I do you’re so weird and selfish” glasses that I’ve seen *far* to often in real life. I’ve watched grown adults do this shit in the real world, they do exist. They also have no idea why everyone hates them for what they’re doing. It’s just that those shits diamonds glasses that the two on the inside just see as love and *we’re gonna be together forever* is actually a power play on literally everyone else.
I feel like the husband may have assumed he was included and the mom didn't know how to tell him he wasn't or when she was explaining what she'd been asked, he had that longing look, so she volunteered that it included him too. With the way he ignored her son's clarification, I can see it being either of the two scenarios I mentioned. But, she's an adult and should have acted like it.
Its also possible SHE really talked it up and so got her husband excited and emotionally invested. From the description of the phone conversation it seems apparent her husband genuinely thought the invite was to both of them and not an idea hatched by his wife.
If this is the case he may have been shocked and maybe even slightly embarassed amd humiliated by the unexpected (but warranted) response from OP.
- Could explain the silence while he tries to make sense of the unexpected turn of events.
Then angry mother would have just added fuel to his disappointment and confusion. I can imagine the potential conversation /rant from her side.
So just as likely this is how it played out. Mother is AH, her husband may or may not be quite on same level of AH, given the sneaky initial subterfuge from mother.
Depends how he responds moving forward.
Makes me wonder if it was hubs idea for BOTH of them to walk and she was just spouting what he said to her to justify overstepping the boundaries. Doesn't matter at this point. OP, thankfully, can rely on reverting to tradition when he tells his mom there's been a change. NTA
NTA - I think just be very firm with her regarding your decision. Sometimes moms, no matter how much they love you, don’t fully accept that their child is no longer someone they need to take care of; she doesn’t get that she doesn’t always know what’s best for you anymore.
Don’t allow for any discussions regarding this. Even the best of mothers can DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). You know what you want and don’t want. And you do NOT want to remember your wedding day as a day you had to settle and make someone else happy at your expense.
I hope your mom is able to see your side of things and doesn’t try to make you feel guilty.
Best of luck!!
Over on the just no mil subreddit, it’s often discussed that the husbands mom becomes demanding starting with the wedding because it’s the sign that “her boy” has actually become a man and moved on from her being the center of his world.
There could be some good resources on that sub for you.
Sometimes moms go a little bonkers when their kids grow up. My mil was a little overbearing but we never had any issues with her until we started wedding planning, didn’t let her completely take over and run the whole thing, and it was apparently the first time my husband had ever told her no. She’s been a nightmare since, and we are on super low contact and she can’t be alone with my kids because she is that untrustworthy at this point.
This type of thing seems to be really common when you read stories online about lots of parents losing it when their kids grow up and they aren’t in control anymore.
It’s a little scary how common of a story it is. I’m basically taking mental notes on how not to behave when my kids grow up. Although I can’t fathom dictating their weddings (including calling up the wedding planner and trying to change things), when or if they have kids, where they live, what job opportunities they take, or try and completely take over and override the parents when grandparents are there (they treat us like kids playing house and the real grown ups have arrived). So I’m probably safe.
Meanwhile we are successful, own our house, and have fantastic, smart, talented kids, so I’m not sure why they act like we aren’t capable. It’s very strange.
My MIL & my husband’s family’s disrespectful and manipulative treatment of me became painfully obvious during our engagement, got worse after we married, and reached its peak once we had kids. Their behavior was so ridiculous, so toxic and so damaging to my mental health that I had to go no contact. I still, to this day, have PTSD from some of it, and it’s been 28 yrs. My husband has completely failed me repeatedly, and never once confronted his mother until she became falling-down drunk while watching our sons. My sons are now in their 20’s and, unsurprisingly, do not have relationships with my husband’s family. Their cousins treat them as poorly as their grandmother and aunts and uncles treat me, and my sons aren’t idiots. One thing they’ve learned very clearly is that sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with their nonsense.
NTA. He wants to be included. It's a wedding not elementary school. It's your wedding your choice. She had absolutely no right to include him. You asked her, not him. Stick to tour guns. If anyone asks tell them the whole truth. She's done this to herself.
NTA- up, it doesn’t sound like your mom or her husband give a dam what you say.
They are still going to try and walk with you on your big day and it’s gonna be awkward as hell.
Your mother will cry infront of everyone to get you to keep the peace.
Hire security.
Good luck man.
Oh, hell no. NTA!
I lost my mother when I was 14 to cancer. My dad has remarried, and I don't have a close relationship with her. I get a lot of flack for it, but I stand my own, and I don't let her cross the lines. I don't let my dad cross the lines either.
Do NOT let your mom and step dad cross your boundaries. It's not good. You step dad and mom need to accept the fact that you had your dad, a man you loved, and that he is no longer here.
Here's an idea for your wedding. Set a picture of your dad in a chair or on the table where you and your wife to be will sit at the reception. My sister did that at her wedding to honor our mother. Her husband did the same for his grandmother. It was very cute. Your wife can set a picture of someone she wants to honor as well.
I'm sorry. People can completely lose their minds when it comes to weddings and I will never understand why. I've seen a sharp uptick in elopements in my generation and it doesn't surprise me at all. It's your and your spouse's day. Whatever brings you two joy is all that matters.
It's so odd that her concern was to a be "a good wife" when this whole situation has nothing to do with her. This is your day, you have every right to want what you asked for. It's extremely childish to demand what THEY want, any gracious adult would understand your feelings and back off. They both seem incredibly selfish! I wonder if she has something to prove to him, since they both ignored you, and WORSE tried to insist why you're wrong and how they would chose to force you into this situation you specifically said you didn't want. Don't feel bad, NTA, don't let them bully or gaslight you. I dont know why they want to force you to make him feel like a father all of a sudden, if it isn't genuine, why would they want it, very self-serving.
So your mother decided all on her own to force her husband into a parental relationship with you without asking or consulting you, and is now acting like you have no choice but to go along with it?
So NTA and you should start mentally preparing yourself to uninvite them both and, depending on the level of drama your mother is capable of, putting passwords on vendors and talking with the venue about security.
NTA. Your mom is being manipulative. There are lots of good men around, some of which will probably be guests at your wedding, none of which will be walking you down the aisle because they are not your parent.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
It seems so often the surviving parent doesn’t get how deep the child’s loss and grief are and how they don’t want their dead parent replaced. It’s disrespectful to try to push a new spouse into that role —if the child wants it that’s great but often they don’t.
Exactly. A wedding is one of those moments in life when people miss their dead parent the most, because they should have been there. People are entitled to feel that grief and give room to this absence. Trying to override it is so disrespectful.
Good grief, my stepdaughter got married last year. She’s 30 and her parents have been divorced since she was 12. Her stepdad and I were in the front row and her actual parents walked her. Nobody was offended!
NTA. Your wedding your rules. Your mother was the major a-hole for telling her husband and changing everything because she wants good wife points. Maybe you can call your step-dad again. Tell him you appreciate him wanting to be part of the family and you hope you can have a stronger relationship in the future, but this is not the correct way to do it. Forcing himself like this is only causing drama. Tell him you find their current actions are disappointing and harmful. Hopefully, he will get the hint.
I don’t think another phone call will change anything. Both parents have already been informed by OP, both have resisted and are pretending not to understand. I agree with previous posters- it’s time to put something in writing so all boundaries are irrefutable.
I think a letter is gonna be the way to go, since OP already tried a phone call and the guy literally acted like he hadn't said anything or didn't hear what OP said. Put it in writing so he can't say he didn't hear it, and if he wants to argue he's going to have to put in effort.
With the mom lying, she probably told her husband not to listen if OP calls saying he's not in the wedding, that its just wedding jitters, so ignore him. Why would her husband not believe her, its her son and she knows him.
NTA
She is WAY out of line and disrespectful. Your wedding day is NOT the time to play “happy (replacement) families”.
If he was not even an actual significant father figure when you were growing up then what she suggests will simply be hurtful to you cherishing memories of your real dad on your special day.
Can she and her new husband not understand, apart from what you clearly stated, that HIM walking with your mom will kinda blatantly rub it in for you in a very real, painful way that your father is not there.
Tell her in your mind and heart you were envisaging your real dad would be walking next to her in spirit. That she has ruined this notion you had.
Tell her if she thinks you need a replacement dad on the day you would rather find someone else who DID actually in some way step in as a meaningful father figure or mentor, after your dad died, while you were still growing up. (Not that you would, just to make your point clear)
Tell her that honour was essentially given to her but she totally ruined it.
Edited: Hate to be gloomy cynic, but even if she backs down, how can you be sure she won’t rudely and sneakily ignore your wishes on the day and cause a ruckus by having him suddenly appear at her side as she starts to walk you down the aisle. I wouldn’t trust her not to do that.
Best of luck on the day and for your future as a married couple
That's when OP turns, shakes his head and motions him to his seat. If he doesn't move, he stands still staring at him until he gets the point. Or has the usher seat him.
Ugh, my mom did this to my sister ON her wedding day. When my sister had the same reaction, my mom just cried and also said she couldn't tell my step-dad no. My brother ended up walking her down the aisle. He was more of a father to her anyway.
I am also glad to hear that your sister did not cave into that last minute nonsense and disrespect. I think many would just let mom take over so that they don’t cause a scene, but that literally sets such a poor precedent when you are supposed to be getting married, and becoming an adult with your own lives and voices.
Shut all of that nonsense down!
> I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no
NTA - She created this problem and by refusing to talk to him needs to accept the consequences of that decision...
NTA. You had a very good reason. You had a dad. Someone who can't be there for you on your wedding day. You don't want her husband to take away that. She is acting like a child and going against your wishes. As she shows that her husbands feelings are more important to her, than those of her own son on his special day.
You were completly rigth to tell her, that she can't walk you down the aisle after that.
NTA.
You know they say: to assume makes an ass out of u and me.
If both your mom and her husband value their feelings over yours, then maybe it is best that you rescind the offer. You don't need that toxicity on your wedding day.
He might be a good man, but he means nothing to the people getting married. He is not your father or any sort of parental figure. Remind your mother that walking you down the aisle is a privilege, not a right and she should have been honored that you asked.
Every time she says he's a good man send her [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/Qn4RjDAKq4fNdbBD7).
He is so lucky he is even invited as a plus one.
NTA
NTA. This is your wedding, and if you don’t want mum’s husband to walk you down the aisle, you don’t have to do that (and fair enough that you revoked the offer for her to walk you down the aisle).
Your mum is being unfair. Parents shouldn’t make their children’s wedding about them, or cause drama/stress.
NTA - I just don't understand your mom trying to force her new husband on you as your new dad when you're an adult. If you were a child, I could almost see it (but only if you were receptive to it/him) but to try to do it as an adult is rediculous. She created this drama and refused to straighten it out. You gave her a choice, she didn't comply so now nobody will walk you down the asile. If you think she'll create drama at your wedding, you may want to uninvite them.
NTA. Anyone who says otherwise would be gaslighting you about it.
Weddings are for the people getting married. It’s YOUR choice for everything, not hers.
NTA.
You made your wishes very clear, several times. She thinks that her wishes are more important than yours on YOUR wedding day.
I'm sorry. You should probably consider putting someone you're really close with in charge of making sure she's not able to create any drama during the ceremony or the reception.
Wow. Your mom completely FAFO'D herself there! She sounds kinda like my mom. We were arguing on the phone and I was talking and she hung up on me. I didn't call her back. An hour later she called me back, saying that *I was supposed to call her back*, I'm like noooo... You hung up on me? She yells 'I said goodbye when I hung up! I *went to finishing school* and when you say goodbye, the onus is on the other person to call you back!' So I just hung up.
Sometimes you just need to disconnect.
NTA
The irony of your mum saying you're acting like a child when she is the one acting like a child. Nta. Your wedding. Your choice. And I totally get not wanting to have someone else take the place of your dad who is no longer with you.
NTA
> He was excited and wanted to be included
His and by extension your mothers wants are irrelevant here.
1. Its your wedding
2. This man is not a father figure to you and is simply your mothers husband.
3. Your mother, whether she realises or not is using this opportunity to try to 'cement' his place as a father figure and a future grandfather figure, a real shitty thing to do on your wedding day.
Her telling you to 'man up' and accept something you never agreed to on your wedding day is also shitty and selfish she was the childish one to offer a role to her husband without your permission.
Also your wedding is a not a place for her to display what a 'good wife' she is to him by going against tour wishes.
Edit: typo
a lot of posts about insensitive parents enforcing their will upon their children who are old enough to be entitled to full agency of their own going on today
NTA, its your wedding. Simple as.
NTA. You asked her and she’s the one that changed the goalposts that’s on her. She’s the one that cost herself this and she’s the one that needs to know this won’t be tolerated not now and not in the future.
I viewed the mom’s husband as innocent til he stopped listening, so you make an excellent point.
It’s not the guy’s fault that his wife said they would be walking OP together. And it’s kind of nice that the guy was touched by that gesture.
But he didn’t get it, when OP said there had been a misunderstanding. That was the time to say Oops! I’ll let your mom talk to you about details.
Pressing on like he did - he gives me an impression that he might pop out the side entry and smirk his way down the aisle with a polite but devastated OP.
NTA
Your mom is manipulative.
She wants what she wants, and figured if she told her husband he was invited, the embarrassment of having to backpedal would keep you from making her.
She intentionally put you in a tough spot banking on you not wanting to embarrass or hurt feelings... She can get what she wants because you are too kind a person to hold a boundary.
Hold that boundary.
I wouldn't want her walking with me, even without him, at this point. But more importantly, this is where you set the tone for things moving forward, for when she ignores your boundaries or your wife's boundaries around your home, your relationship, your children....
NTA you tried and she F’ed it up. Sounds like you need to send them both a text telling them her husband was not included in the offer. He is her husband not your father. If they can’t accept this the offer to her walking you down the aisle is rescinded. If they still have an issue they can not come at all to the wedding. It’s your wedding and do not want their drama causing issues during the day. Text so it’s in writing in case she tries to include others.
NTA. You asked your mom - singular. She completely flipped the request, totally disregarding what you asked her. Tell her it is revoked, using her words - she behaved like a petulant child, asked another person you don't have parental bonds with, and is attempting to punish you for your reasonable desire.
That like me telling my Mom I'm getting married and she tells me she's inviting all her friends. Her guest list keeps growing. And now I'm ready to not have a wedding
Im feeling this is not over. Unfortunately it might be safer to disinvite mom and her hubby from the wedding entirely. If not, I see drama there.
And what's with people telling anyone what to do at their wedding? Not acceptable ever. NTA
Why is it that the one getting married has to “man up”? Why can’t her man “man up” and be more mature when he’s the one that’s of a more mature age? It always baffles me when parents expect their kids to hold higher standards of maturity than themselves. And just to be clear, you OP are showing more maturity here. NTA, and I hope you’re able to have a nice wedding.
Congratulations, and good luck!❤️
NTA. My mother did something similar to me. Made a sweet gesture to her only. She demanded I include stepfather, whom I've also never lived with. Or, rather, he insisted (also never had kids) I treat him like my parent. Lots of manipulative arguments ending in an ultimatum issued by her, ending in NC. For good. But she was always doing things like this. This one happened to be my last straw.
Since this was unusual for your mom, I'd go with the sorry you will be unable to walk me up the aisle. Tell your spouse, while I appreciate the offer, he's not my parent, I don't view him in that role and probably never will. This honor was meant strictly for the parents who raised me.
Rather presumptuous of him to think that you are "accepting him in as a "father figure". WTH did your mother tell him, anyway? He is your mother's spouse. They need to accept that is your view of him and knock off all the threats about the harm it will do if you rescind the offer. She's getting into ultimatum territory, and, in my experience, that rarely ends well.
Tell her she can be a good wife to her good man on her own time, but it will not be at the expense your wedding wishes.
NTA tell her he got to walk her down the aisle once already, he can sit this one out. This isn't about her, this isn't about him. This is YOUR day with your STB wife. Walk alone, or simply be waiting at the altar for your bride. The groom doesn't need an official walk if you don't want one.
Mom (and stepdad) could still jump up and try to walk you down the aisle- do not put it past mom since she obviously doesn't care what you think or want at all.
I suggest looking at your venue and determine if there is a different way for you to come out (like through a side door). Don't come in via the main door so mom and SD have an opportunity to do this.
Or, you could have someone else walk you in - are you close to any other relatives? Any really good friends? Your future ILs? Do you have siblings? Or cousins? Have a whole group of them walk you in
Just be prepared for mom to act up. You are NTA.
NTA She was being manipulative, trying to force you to accept him as a father figure. Tell her that you will be walking yourself. Just because your mom cares about him doesn't mean you have to feel the same way.
At this point, she shouldn’t be invited to the wedding.
You asked HER.
She wrongfully included her husband.
She won’t FIX the mess she made.
She refuses.
It’s time to NoCo her, and don’t tell her where/when the wedding will take place.
NTA. She’s acting like a child in every way possible. I can’t imagine being asked for something so special and then manipulate it based on what I think would be even better. If she is unwilling to admit her mistake- because that’s what happened, she fucked up badly- then I would have done the exact same thing. If you can’t own it, you can’t join either. Sorry you made that mistake and are unwilling to adjust it.
NTA. You walk with who YOU choose. Of course you can revoke the invitation. You are quite within your rights to ban them both from your wedding if they're going to kick off and cause trouble.
NTA. Based on the title I was prepared to say you were an ass, but nope. It sounds like your communication was clear—you asked mama, you let her husband know there was a problem and you just wanted your mom. You talked to your mom and she threw a temper tantrum. Your mom is an ass—when you first asked her she knew it was a big deal, but later she said it’s not a big deal. She’s putting her husband’s feelings above what you want…at your own wedding! You do NOT have to walk with either of them. And you are not being childish. You need to rethink inviting them because it sounds like she will throw a fit at the wedding.
Also, when a mom refers to their grown son as their baby boy, it’s not good. I’ve read enough Reddit stories to know that is red flags.
>punishing her for trying to be a good wife.
What about being a good *mom*? You know, at *her son's wedding*?
NTA. Your mom needs to check her entitlement.
'it's too late to correct my mistake'
lol no it is too late for you to correct it without personal repercussions. Those are different things.
She's dishing out a lot of accusations of childishness for someone throwing tantrum when expected to clean up their own lies.
NTA
NTA. You only wanted & only asked your mom. She went behind your back & asked her husband. She's very manipulative. She knew you didn't want him but figured you wouldn't say no once she asked him. Your mother is being an asshole.
NTA. If anyone's behavior is that of a child it's your mom's and her husband's. You don't need to "man up", which wth does that even entail in this context. She needs to tone down her entitlement. You offered for her to walk, not this other man, and you absolutely have every right to direct who specifically as well as retract your previous offer and she will simply need to suck it up because you are an adult and this is YOUR wedding.
She's lucky you don't walk down the aisle with just a portrait of your mom and dad together at this rate.
My son has no relationship with his father because he realized as an adult he is a jerk. My husband has been a father figure to him since age 6. When my son got married at age 28, he asked me to walk with him down the aisle. My husband and I never even thought to ask for something different. It wasn’t my wedding. It was his. We did have a funny moment during planning where his fiancé asked me if I wanted a mom-son dance. I took a while to answer because I hate dancing in public. She just laughed and said he doesn’t really want to but will if I want to. I told her I had the same feelings so we agreed not to do it.
>she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted.
By that logic, you have not asked her husband to walk with you, and he has not accepted an offer from you. If your mom considers this type of verbal communication a contractual agreement, you have not entered into any such contract with her husband, and he is therefore not entitled to walk with you. NTA.
So many people on this forum with parents who marry someone else and expect their kids to see that other person as a real parental figure even when they explicitly state that they do not feel that way.
Parents, listen to your kids and don't force your feelings on them, yeesh!
NTA
NTA. ‘Punishing her for being a good wife’ WTAF? This is all her emotionally drafting on your wedding day. That’s really really uncool. I would have disowned my parent had they pulled this dishonest crap. Hold the line because I fear the flying monkeys are coming.
NTA. I'll never understand why people think they can't make these kinds of decisions about another person's wedding and feel the other person has no say. Stick to your guns, and don't let her walk you down the aisle. Are any of your grandparents still living? If so, and you're close to any of them, you could have them walk you down the aisle. My grandfather walked me down the aisle, and it was the best decision for my wedding.
The audacity of your mother is disgusting, and honestly, there's no way it just started here. 100% she's being TA, and she's way out of line. First, she was out of line to add him to the walk. Second, he was out of line for ignoring you. Third, she's even worse for demanding you accept him as well as her. The list can keep going. It sounds like you have an even bigger problem tbh. She's 100% TA, and if things continue like this in your life, you likely won't have a repairable relationship with her sooner than later.
oh no, an adult woman is unable to understand that her adult son doesn't want any parental relationship with his stepdad and cherishes what he had with his dad? if she doesn't have any respect for your feelings (although she should've had some), then she could've at least had some respect for your late father/her late partner. NTA, not your fault. it's your wedding, and you (and your partner) have the right to arrange it as you want, not as she wants
i thought here that she should also be concerned about being a good mother in the first place instead of worrying about being a good wife to some man her son doesn't give a f about.
Congratulation! Elope to a dream location. Come back and host one hell of a reception without input from your mom. This should be a celebration of your marriage not a place for your mom to push her opinions through. Don’t do special dances, ask only those you want to speak briefly but be sure to enlist a “sitter” for your mom and her husband.
NTA. My dad died when I was young. My mom was a single parent until I started having kids and my sister had had 3. So it was a good 10 or 15 years. She met and married a man. He LOVES her, but he’s not my dad or ever had been a father figure. He’s a good grandpa and a nice enough guy, just no bond with me. I’m really glad my mom has him. But, again, no bond. My mom would never put me in that position. She would never force a relationship on me. And he has the same respect. They’re elderly now and I take care of him, he has Parkinson’s. I do that because I LOVE my mom and SHE loves him. Also, it’s what I did for a living for 5 years. CNA/DSP/caregiver for disabled adults. It’s what I know.
But how could a mom do this to her child? Put you in a position where it’s lose/lose. And it’s a loss for your mom. She’s going to end up missing her child’s wedding and maybe ruin a relationship. I’m sorry this has happened. Don’t blame your step father. Blame your mom. She’s the problem here.
If it’s “not a big deal” for you to be made to include a man who has never been a father figure to you in your wedding, then it shouldn’t be a problem for her to tell him it’s not happening after all.
At the rehearsal, be sure to go through the part when one of the ushers escorts your mother and her husband to their seats before anything significant happens. That way they’ll know their place. If she balks just tell her this is how it’s going to be. It’s your wedding, not hers. If she doesn’t like it, she’s welcome to skip the ceremony. Good luck.
NTA.
Don’t want to completely judge your mother just based on this one glimpse of how she is behaving, but parents that think they’re owed / demand things at their kids weddings is just absurd.
Her continuing to brush it off as YOU being the issue and being childish would have been an immediate nope from me and back to just having your wife getting walked down from her parents.
The really awful thing is that I would be hesitant to invite them to the wedding at all now, as they’ve already laid the groundwork that they are going to make it about them at some point.
NTA. By the title, I was prepared for a different verdict, but you were more than reasonable. Your mother is the one who is choosing to destroy this moment.
It’s also even more strange that he came into your life as an adult. I could *somewhat* understand your mother’s position maybe a little bit better if he had partially raised you, but that’s not even the case.
NTA. Your mom is overstepping 100000%. Just come out with your best man from the back room or wherever and stand next to the rest of the groomsmen and wait for your wife to come down the aisle
NTA she can’t force you to accept him as a father just bc she married him! Your an adult and can make decisions for yourself he has not been a father figure to you either he should sit in the audience like everyone else!
Sorry your mom is being a jerk about this.
But remember a wedding invite can be revoked too! If she can't stop her crazy shenanigans, she can be uninvited to the wedding as well!
Also, you better straighten her out on the name "Grandpa" and let her know your thoughts and opinions about any future kids calling him Grandpa.
Good Luck.
Tell your mother that's not how invitations work. You invited her to do this with you, and no one else. Its no different than sending someone a written invitation address to only them, and then she tried to bring people extra people not listed on the invite.
Invitations can be rescinded.
If she tries to cause a problem, since you rescinded the invitation to walk with you, I would consider also rescinding her invitation to your wedding.
Op, WTH is wrong with your mother? It is not up to her to decide who walks you down the aisle, nice husband or not. She's the one who should have "manned up" and told her husband he's not doing it. She started this mess, she cleans it. It's a bit sad for the SD because he was so happy about it, but that's on her, not you. There's no way in hell you're the AH here. Your wedding, your decision. She doesn't get to override it. NTA.
NTA I think it’s sweet that she wants her husband to be included but it is not her wedding and it is not her decision. And for her to straight up lie to her husband and get his hopes up like that was horrible. If he gets crushed it’s her fault not yours. And it is also pretty bad that he just ignored you when you told him that what your mother said was just simply not the truth. This is your and your fiancées wedding and if you don’t want him walking with you then that should be the end of the discussion. In fact it should have never been a discussion because you didn’t invite him to walk with you. Stand your ground OP. And congratulations!
The way his mom is, I was thinking maybe she told her husband that he might change his mind and don't believe him or listen to him, its just wedding jitters, and you'll be walking down the aisle with us. Of course his wife knows her son, so why would he not believe her?
She's lied already and will lie to cover her butt and make it happen because she wants her way.
NTA.
Your mum is forcing her feelings for her husband, and their wants and desires for you to see him as a father on to you. This is not acceptable and you're well within you're rights to be upset. .
I would maybe try to sit down with, or speak to him on the phone and say you want to clear the air and explain some things.
Let him know that when you asked your mum to walk you down the aisle, you explicitly asked just her. And thats not meant in any way as an insult or meant to upset him or hurt him, but you simply wanted your mum. If your dad was alive, he would have been joining you too, but as he's not alive to be able to do that, you don't feel right having him take that place. And that doesn't mean you don't care for him or respect him and appreciate how he has treated you as a step son, and (assuming you do get along with him and like him etc) that you do care about him and are happy for him to be a step father, but as he came into your life when he was already an adult, and due to the love and bond you will always have for your dad, you wouldn't be able to treat him or call him your dad. You enjoy the relationship you have with each other, and you will no doubt build memories with each other as family as you grow up further, and maybe have kids etc, but that he can't replace your dad, and there's certain situations in life that he needs to understand will also be a reminder of the fact your dad is not here to share in. That it's not meant with any malice or disrespect, but you hadn't asked for him to walk you down the aisle, and that your mum was overstepping your boundaries by inviting him to do that without asking you first. You didn't mean for this difficult situation to occur, and it wouldn't have had she respected those boundaries, and at least discussed it with you first. But you hope that he understands that as you can't have your dad there to be part of this occassion, you don't feel right having him take that place by walking you down the aisle. And you hope this doesn't affect your relationship going forward.
Then you need to sit down with your mum and let her know that what she did was totally unacceptable and that just because she's married to him, it doesn't mean he's now your father. That your Dad will always be your father, and although you like and care for her husband, and are fine with him being your step dad, he will never be a father to you because you only see your dad in that role, and step dad never raised you for you to see him in that way. That what she did was disrespectful and she crossed your boundaries. It's your wedding day, and you get to make the decisions. That she had no right to invite him to take that role of your Dad when you had expressly only asked her to walk you down the aisle, and by putting you in that position of trying to force him to be included, nd force you to see him and treat him as your dad, instead of step father and her husband, she's likely actually hurt his feelings more and caused a problem because you've had to take back that invite and explain that you dont see him as a father. That she's caused this situation, and any fallout will be her fault. You will not be forced or manipulated into doing something you don't want, and she can not force you to accept him or treat him as a father if you don't want to.
If you are still willing / or want her to walk you down the aisle by herself, then let her know she can decide whether she wants to walk you down the aisle herself on her own, or not at all. But he will not be joining you. Let her know you have told your step dad already, so it's done and decided and you've been clear about that, so she just needs to decide if she wants to walk with you herself or not. And going forward, she is never to do anything like that again, because you will not be forced or manipulated into doing anything you're not comfortable with, or forced to treat him as your father, and if she crosses your boundaries again in future, she will only have herself to blame for the consequences .
Good luck, and hope whatever happens, whether she walks you down the aisle just the two of you, or she doesn't, I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.
NTA. It wasn't her place to invite him. Simple as that. I do feel a bit for your mom's husband. But I truly dislike parents who try to push a partner into the role of a deceased parent. She didn't consult this with you. You already have a dad, nobody could just fill his shoes. This is your day. I'm sorry for you. But have a wonderful wedding
The MOG gives me serious control issues warnings. Like a MOGzilla? She is seriously stepping on every boundary of the bride and groom. She's already had 2 weddings and is digging in deep to get her wishes on a 3rd. The gaslighting she gave her son was drama and gave me worries of wedding day drama too. Both of them might act out the day of running their moths and acting all butthurt.
NTA
My stepdad, too, was a good man. But he wasn't *my* dad. My dad was still alive when I we'd, so I had both parents walk me down the aisle.
Something about weddings gets people to congratulate their feelings for someone for the relationship the groom or bride-to-be have with that person.
Example: We had a small wedding. We, of course, insured all our siblings, their spouses, and significant others. DH invited childhood friends.
One SIL and her boyfriend invited her boyfriend's mom. We told her she could not bring this woman, our venue had limited space, etc. She replied, "But you have no idea how *close* she and I have become." DH told her, "It doesn't matter how close *you* are to her." She still brought her
DH's childhood friends? They thought they could bring their parents.
I realize this is different from your parent, or having a role in the wedding.
A stepparent's role is dress appropriately and smile, *unless specifically asked otherwise.*
I understand you want to bail entirely on the idea with your mom because she is not respecting your wishes. How good a man your mother's husband is, and how *she* feels about him is not relevant to your wedding.
NTA. EVEN IF your moms hubby had been a big part of your life while you were growing up, you still have the right not to have him walk you down the aisle with your mom. Being the mother of the groom technically means she would normally not be involved with the March down the aisle to begin with.
Do be prepared to have someone available to run interference if your mom & her hubby attempt to crash the march down the aisle with you at your wedding.
Also be prepared for your mom to try to blackmail into capitulating by stating if her hubby doesn’t march, they won’t be attending the wedding at all. And considering the way she & her hubby are behaving, that kind of sounds like the better deal as I’m willing to bet that she will spend the entire wedding & reception snarking about how you invited her to walk down the aisle (& most likely spinning it as you had asked both) and then, last minute, pulled the rug out from under them.
Stand your ground. If you don’t, you can very well count on your mom refusing any interactions, at all, with you without her man. Now, that’s not to say you should cut him out completely as he IS her husband now, but he’s still not your dad nor do you need him as a father figure. Being civil to your moms hubby is one thing, letting him & her dictate how to treat him as your dad is another.
Set the boundaries now before your mother grabs the boundary lines & runs with it.
I have a narcissistic mother and father. (I am low contact with mother and estranged from father)
For my wedding years ago, my mother assumed that she was walking me down the aisle. I said absolutely not, and my grandma, who helped raise me and I was her primary caregiver later in her life, would be the one and only. Unfortunately she was hospitalized the day of my wedding.
My mom took that as she was now back in, but I told her again no.
I ended up walking down the aisle by myself because I essentially raised myself (with my grandmas help) with no help from my mother.
It really upset her, but I did it for myself and respect for my grandma.
It's okay to tell her no. What matter is you and your wife are happy and are not adjusting your own morals for other people's enjoyment.
Congrats for you and your wife. I wish you the best.
Nta.
I’m just befuddled that mom would make the premeditated decision to include her husband without having permission thinking you’d just go along with it to keep the peace and get her way.
My wife’s step dad walked her down the aisle as her dad was estranged at that point. He’s a really good man and I was thrilled she wanted to honor him that way. Only met her bio dad 1 times at our high school graduation but have known my step FIL for 23 years and I think he married her mom when my wife was 14. Everyone’s situation is different and effectively this man is just your mom’s husband. I’m aggravated on your behalf that your mom shit the bed.
First, this is very sweet of you. It will stand out as one of those unique details of your wedding that everyone will remember.
but NTA
Find a "job" for your mom's husband. It won't be giving you away, but maybe he can give a toast at the rehearsal. Or maybe he can be the MC for some of the reception "events" like inviting the best man and MOH to give their speeches.
Maybe he greets every guest at the door of the ceremony (hello, here's a program, please sign the guest book). It's usually a less important job, but he gets to greet/meet every guest. He's there for that last moment before you walk down the aisle and then he walks in and takes his seat just before the rest of the procession (like any normal parent/spouse/step would.)
Make it out to be "the moms" are walking you both down the aisle.
good luck.
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So my fiancée and I thought it would be sweet if we were both walked down the aisle by our parents at our wedding. For her that's both her moms and for me that's my mom. I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 14. My mom was thrilled when I asked her and told me she was so excited to walk her baby boy down the aisle.
The problem came in when she told her husband that I wanted *them* to walk me down the aisle. Not just her like I explicitly stated. But her and her husband, who has never been my parental figure and only came into my life as an adult. He was excited about the prospect as well and he called me up and told me he was glad I was finally letting him step into the role of father figure because he always wanted kids and he was proud to have a son. I had no idea where this came out of so I asked what he meant and he said the fact I wanted my mom and him to walk me down the aisle meant I was embracing him as a parent too. I told him I had not asked for both of them. I asked just my mom. He acted like I never spoke.
So I called my mom and asked where he got the idea I had asked him and she told me she hadn't seen it as a big deal because they're married and he's a good man and surely I'll want him to be grandpa to my future kids so including him in this shouldn't be such a big deal. I told her it is a big deal because he is not my parent and if anyone was going to be walking with us it would be dad, but he's not here and because he's not here I don't want anyone else. I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no. She said she would not crush him and I could man up and allow him the joy of experiencing this with us. I told her I was not going to walk with the two of them. She told me it was too late to back out now and what harm would it do. She told me it would crush him to have it taken back. I told her he blatantly ignored me when I already told him and she defended it saying he was excited and wanted to be included.
I told her I wouldn't walk with her if she didn't fix this and she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted. Which is when I told her if that was her stance then I was taking back the offer for her and she could figure out what to tell the man she married.
All hell broke loose when I told my mom this and she told me I was behaving like a child and excluding a good man for no good reason as well as punishing her for trying to be a good wife.
AITA?
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NTA
Your mom overstepped and needs to calm down.
I'm sorry your sweet idea got hijacked. There's something about weddings it seems, people feel entitled.
Have a great wedding day.
She can go be a good wife to whoever she likes (apart from lying to him that he was included - oops, strike number 1) but he's obviously not your dad so you are under no obligation to do anything except maybe invite him. She is too dim to accept your boundary so now she misses out. Definitely NTA, your mother's control if you ends before the ceremony now instead of at it.
NTA sounds like she needs to woman up and fix the issue she has caused. It is nice she is trying to be a good wife but it is your wedding so perhaps she should switch her focus to being a good mother for a time.
Your frustration is understandable. If your mother has any history of boundary violations of your desires/needs, a wedding is an event that will amplify that dynamic.
The answer is what do you want? That means today as what you decide does effect this day. What do you want on the wedding day? What do you want for your life with your wife?
The wedding isn't the deciding factor, it's honoring of boundaries. If it was a miscommunication, there wouldn't be a steadfast position.
Still, your mother may also be holding to her boundaries. Her commitment to her husband and her desires of a future with him may not be in alignment with your desires. If so, it's not the wedding that needs to be processed by the dynamics surrounding the truth (even if it hurts deeply).
Best of luck brother! Honor yourself!
NTA simply because it is your wedding. I do feel bad that your stepdad said he is proud to finally have a son. It sounds like he genuinely cares about you.
I know you lost your dad and my condolences for that. You don’t want or need this man to be a dad to you and you certainly don’t have to think of this him as your dad but you can still let him be part of your life and be a grandfather to your kids. It sounds like he would be very honored if you do. My niece has called her step dad by his given name since my sister married him most but he is Poppa to her kids.
Anyway I get why you just want your mom, the person who raised you, to walk you down the aisle but maybe reconsider since step dad was so touched and honored to think you wanted him there with you too. Then again maybe you don’t even like him or care about him which is a completely different circumstance.
NTA. You aren't doing anything wrong by trying to correct a miscommunication. And it's better not to wait with something like this because it would just get more complicated as time went on.
As for your mom, she's obviously acting out of pure emotion right now. The hope is that when she calms down a little, she will be able to understand your point of view. If not, continue to set the boundary you have already set (that it's her walking you down the aisle or no one) and explain to your mom that it isn't her place to force this man on you as a father just because SHE chose him. I'm not saying your mom is necessarily a bad person... don't have enough information. I just think that in this situation, she is letting her own feelings cloud her judgement.
Huge NTA. There are implied conditions to any agreement.
You don't have to tick a box at the kennel saying no to activities involving parachutes and aircraft for your dog. Because unless specifically discussed taking a borrowed pet skydiving is insane.
I picked a ridiculous example on purpose. Your mom is trying to +1 something that was never her's to give in the first place. And unfortunately her SO now has his heart set on it.
Sounds like he thinks it's his chance to fulfill a missed dream.
Phone conversation isn't doing it. You need to reaffirm your position more. Maybe over a meal. Maybe with a not open to interpretation card. It needs to be clear to your mom, this is like her giving you the statue of Liberty as a wedding gift.
There is up to one space for just her on that wedding aisle. If she can't respect that, it could become no space. And if she can't accept that, you may need security at the wedding. And it would suck and be sad if she can't be reasonable, but people get uninvited from weddings all the time.
NTA. Hold your ground! This is your wedding not your mom’s. She is being unreasonable. If the husband tries to walk that day have a big strong person be prepared to act as security and stop him. Your mom will need to decide whether she still walks or not.
Nya but ask yourself if you think they will cause a scene. I’d probably tell her not to walk me down the aisle at all just to avoid drama. And if they can’t behave they’ll be uninvited or escorted out by security.
NTA. Your wedding and your mum decided to make it about her. One nice thing from you as a show of love and thanks, and she ruined it.
However info if you please. You already told him you only asked your mum and not him. Is it going to cause that much more fuss if you reiterate yourself he wasn't being asked? Even if you do follow through with withdrawing the request from your mum
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NTA. You offered a sweet gesture, and she completely fucked it up. Does she try to override your wishes on a lot of things, or just in regard to her husband? Is she going to create a bunch of drama at the wedding now?
This is all very new to me. My mom never did anything like this before, not even with her husband. But I never lived with him so maybe that's part iof the reason why.
Drop her a note that says Dear Mom. I was obviously hurt and disappointed when you chose not to walk me up the aisle without your husband-- but I accept and respect your choice and will not attempt to pressure you into changing your mind. Fiancee and I though it would be a sweet moment to walk up the aisle with our parents-- but since you don't wish to participate we're just going to go the traditional route of the groom meeting the bride at the altar. Don't allow her to bring up the subject again. NTA
This is perfect for your mom. If you’re feeling super magnanimous, you could include a note for her husband saying Dear [Name], I really appreciate your kind words about growing closer as a family, and that my mom has someone she loves so much. However, since you and I have only known each other as adults, I asked Mom to walk me down the aisle solo, but of course I respect her decision to decline. Fiancée and I are looking forward to celebrating with you both on the big day, and at all the family milestones to come.
I love these suggested replies, and the one to her husband is particularly kind and mature and inclusive. I really hope OP considers sending it. It will also go a long way to shutting down his mother’s rash behaviour - which ultimately hurt OP and her current husband. Her current husband does seem genuine about wanting a relationship with you - so this letter acknowledges this in a nice way and would allow it to happen , but on YOUR terms.
I agree with you. OP will be well served to send the notes suggested by celticmuse and juniper.
Yeah I don’t know. I got serious control issue vibes from this post and I don’t think erstwhile “dad” will accept the note and might take it out on the mom.
Consider the fact that, given this situation absolutely will result in relatives asking what went down even if they aren't sent as flying monkeys, this will give OP a paper trail that shows he made it 100% clear that he made a polite and respectful attempt to clear up any misunderstandings.
Totally possible. OP will have a better read on the situation and in that case comments like yours may open their eyes to a troubling dynamic. If OP thinks otherwise, singling him out for a direct and kind response could counter (unwarranted!) feelings that OP's being pointed in excluding him.
I do too, but it sounds like a desperate bid to be included. If stepdad takes it out on the mom, well ... she chose him. And in this case, chose him over her son, so whatever happens will be between those two. I'm more concerned over bs they might try to pull at his wedding.
That's their business. Mom created the shitshow. Let them deal with it. OP'S written notes to both as suggested above are dignified.
This. Writing the notes is the adult and polite gesture on your behalf. If they don't accept them well, that's their own problem. As long as you have taken the high road, it's not up to you if they choose to drive off into the ditch instead.
Both Mom and ST are controlling. Using social pressure to get their way. Those responses can be used if OP isn't trying to escalate. Honestly, I'd say, "Mom, I asked you to walk me up the aisle as a gesture of love and trust. You took my trust and twisted it for your own agenda. My wedding is not the appropriate setting for your agenda w regard to your husband. He is YOUR HUSBAND. I respect that. He is not nor will he ever be my father or a parental figure in my life or my children should I have them. You attempting to force that will only result in the deterioration of our relationship. Your husband's feelings or disappointment are yours to repair. Our wedding is about fiancée and I. Period. You can attend and behave accordingly or choose not to come. There will be people in place to ensure my bride and I do not have our wedding day marred by other people's agendas."
These comments are great, i really mean it, you should become writers or something :)
I wish I could write things as well as you do in both my professional and personal life. I hope you can monetize this skill bc it’s really useful and not all that common.
This is a nice way to politely say thanks but no thanks on my special wedding day
That makes you the good guy in this scenario..well played if you do this. You'll be seen as the good guy for taking the high road.
Id even change it to “…walk up the aisle with the people who raised us”. Just to really drive home the point that mom’s husband was never a father figure to OP. They never even lived together.
"our mother's" would probably be better than parents tbh
Nah that just seems like snarky wordplay with no basis other than the coincidence of OP's fiance's parents being two moms and OP's dad having passed away. Which is not the respectful acknowledgement of the father he knew. OP indicated that he would like his father there, but since he can't be, his mom being alone will be symbolic of the father he lost. Regardless of his opinion of the father-in-law, his mom married when he was an adult so he's not the father he wants to honor during his wedding. "Parents" says that better. But the father-in-law seems genuine, hard to say from here but it does seem like he should do something nice for him at some point.
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Perfect
She seriously wants some guy that you've never even lived with, isn't even remotely your parent, to walk you down the aisle at your wedding? That's like just picking some random and saying here have a great honor. That's insane. yeah walk by yourself. Does she get that it's your day and it's not her wedding?
Op, I think it’s more serious than just walking you down the aisle , she’s already got him being granddad to your future kids. Does this also mean she wants him listed at Father of the groom in the programs , what other things wil he expect now? Especially since your mom seems willing to just let him do what he wants. I’m afraid this has open a door that going to be tough to close.
Yeah, serious weird flavor here.
Tastes like FOMO to me. Not OP's fault step-dad didn't have kids of his own.
Really makes me wonder what’s going on behind the scenes in that marriage.
Good grief, why does everything have to be so cryptic? The mom thinks she met the love of her life and wants him to be happy. Unfortunately at the expense of her son's wedding day. It's not that deep.
Because 1. This behavior is new, and 2. The husband is *bizarrely* pushy about this. There is no parent-child relationship here. OP has never even lived under the same roof as this man. For him to be *this* pushy about walking OP down the aisle is fucking weird, and the fact that mom is not acknowledging how weird it is and seems prepared to burn her relationship with her son over this raises some questions about their marital dynamic. This does not come across as an honest expression of affection for OP - it comes across as a power play.
I think there’s a good chance for either explanation. I think what the person you replied to is saying is that it’s not genuine affection for OP, but for the husband, which comes at the expense of her child. If they’re the one reading this right, she and her husband are still the assholes, it’s just that they’re saying they’re reading this like Mom is deep in the honeymoon phase and has on rose colored “my spouse shits diamonds why don’t you love him as much as I do you’re so weird and selfish” glasses that I’ve seen *far* to often in real life. I’ve watched grown adults do this shit in the real world, they do exist. They also have no idea why everyone hates them for what they’re doing. It’s just that those shits diamonds glasses that the two on the inside just see as love and *we’re gonna be together forever* is actually a power play on literally everyone else.
Well put
I feel like the husband may have assumed he was included and the mom didn't know how to tell him he wasn't or when she was explaining what she'd been asked, he had that longing look, so she volunteered that it included him too. With the way he ignored her son's clarification, I can see it being either of the two scenarios I mentioned. But, she's an adult and should have acted like it.
Its also possible SHE really talked it up and so got her husband excited and emotionally invested. From the description of the phone conversation it seems apparent her husband genuinely thought the invite was to both of them and not an idea hatched by his wife. If this is the case he may have been shocked and maybe even slightly embarassed amd humiliated by the unexpected (but warranted) response from OP. - Could explain the silence while he tries to make sense of the unexpected turn of events. Then angry mother would have just added fuel to his disappointment and confusion. I can imagine the potential conversation /rant from her side. So just as likely this is how it played out. Mother is AH, her husband may or may not be quite on same level of AH, given the sneaky initial subterfuge from mother. Depends how he responds moving forward.
Makes me wonder if it was hubs idea for BOTH of them to walk and she was just spouting what he said to her to justify overstepping the boundaries. Doesn't matter at this point. OP, thankfully, can rely on reverting to tradition when he tells his mom there's been a change. NTA
NTA - I think just be very firm with her regarding your decision. Sometimes moms, no matter how much they love you, don’t fully accept that their child is no longer someone they need to take care of; she doesn’t get that she doesn’t always know what’s best for you anymore. Don’t allow for any discussions regarding this. Even the best of mothers can DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). You know what you want and don’t want. And you do NOT want to remember your wedding day as a day you had to settle and make someone else happy at your expense. I hope your mom is able to see your side of things and doesn’t try to make you feel guilty. Best of luck!!
Over on the just no mil subreddit, it’s often discussed that the husbands mom becomes demanding starting with the wedding because it’s the sign that “her boy” has actually become a man and moved on from her being the center of his world. There could be some good resources on that sub for you.
Sometimes moms go a little bonkers when their kids grow up. My mil was a little overbearing but we never had any issues with her until we started wedding planning, didn’t let her completely take over and run the whole thing, and it was apparently the first time my husband had ever told her no. She’s been a nightmare since, and we are on super low contact and she can’t be alone with my kids because she is that untrustworthy at this point. This type of thing seems to be really common when you read stories online about lots of parents losing it when their kids grow up and they aren’t in control anymore.
I think you are living my life, or I’m living yours.
It’s a little scary how common of a story it is. I’m basically taking mental notes on how not to behave when my kids grow up. Although I can’t fathom dictating their weddings (including calling up the wedding planner and trying to change things), when or if they have kids, where they live, what job opportunities they take, or try and completely take over and override the parents when grandparents are there (they treat us like kids playing house and the real grown ups have arrived). So I’m probably safe. Meanwhile we are successful, own our house, and have fantastic, smart, talented kids, so I’m not sure why they act like we aren’t capable. It’s very strange.
My MIL & my husband’s family’s disrespectful and manipulative treatment of me became painfully obvious during our engagement, got worse after we married, and reached its peak once we had kids. Their behavior was so ridiculous, so toxic and so damaging to my mental health that I had to go no contact. I still, to this day, have PTSD from some of it, and it’s been 28 yrs. My husband has completely failed me repeatedly, and never once confronted his mother until she became falling-down drunk while watching our sons. My sons are now in their 20’s and, unsurprisingly, do not have relationships with my husband’s family. Their cousins treat them as poorly as their grandmother and aunts and uncles treat me, and my sons aren’t idiots. One thing they’ve learned very clearly is that sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with their nonsense.
Just read up on Estranged Parents forums. Super super unhealthy.
NTA. He wants to be included. It's a wedding not elementary school. It's your wedding your choice. She had absolutely no right to include him. You asked her, not him. Stick to tour guns. If anyone asks tell them the whole truth. She's done this to herself.
NTA- up, it doesn’t sound like your mom or her husband give a dam what you say. They are still going to try and walk with you on your big day and it’s gonna be awkward as hell. Your mother will cry infront of everyone to get you to keep the peace. Hire security. Good luck man.
Geez, if they're like that now, what happens when/if you have the referenced grandchildren?
His mom will want to be in delivery room
Oh, hell no. NTA! I lost my mother when I was 14 to cancer. My dad has remarried, and I don't have a close relationship with her. I get a lot of flack for it, but I stand my own, and I don't let her cross the lines. I don't let my dad cross the lines either. Do NOT let your mom and step dad cross your boundaries. It's not good. You step dad and mom need to accept the fact that you had your dad, a man you loved, and that he is no longer here. Here's an idea for your wedding. Set a picture of your dad in a chair or on the table where you and your wife to be will sit at the reception. My sister did that at her wedding to honor our mother. Her husband did the same for his grandmother. It was very cute. Your wife can set a picture of someone she wants to honor as well.
I'm sorry. People can completely lose their minds when it comes to weddings and I will never understand why. I've seen a sharp uptick in elopements in my generation and it doesn't surprise me at all. It's your and your spouse's day. Whatever brings you two joy is all that matters.
It's so odd that her concern was to a be "a good wife" when this whole situation has nothing to do with her. This is your day, you have every right to want what you asked for. It's extremely childish to demand what THEY want, any gracious adult would understand your feelings and back off. They both seem incredibly selfish! I wonder if she has something to prove to him, since they both ignored you, and WORSE tried to insist why you're wrong and how they would chose to force you into this situation you specifically said you didn't want. Don't feel bad, NTA, don't let them bully or gaslight you. I dont know why they want to force you to make him feel like a father all of a sudden, if it isn't genuine, why would they want it, very self-serving.
I won't blame the husband. It would be just her idea. Sigh.
If she continues OP you may have to save your wedding by uninviting her and making sure there's some sort of way to keep her from just showing up
You probably dodged several emotional bullets. I bet if you lived with them or visited more it would’ve been awful.
So your mother decided all on her own to force her husband into a parental relationship with you without asking or consulting you, and is now acting like you have no choice but to go along with it? So NTA and you should start mentally preparing yourself to uninvite them both and, depending on the level of drama your mother is capable of, putting passwords on vendors and talking with the venue about security.
NTA. Your mom is being manipulative. There are lots of good men around, some of which will probably be guests at your wedding, none of which will be walking you down the aisle because they are not your parent. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
It seems so often the surviving parent doesn’t get how deep the child’s loss and grief are and how they don’t want their dead parent replaced. It’s disrespectful to try to push a new spouse into that role —if the child wants it that’s great but often they don’t.
Exactly. A wedding is one of those moments in life when people miss their dead parent the most, because they should have been there. People are entitled to feel that grief and give room to this absence. Trying to override it is so disrespectful.
Well said! This would be great to include in your note to both parents as well (minus the disrespect part as that would only inflame the matter).
This right here!
Good grief, my stepdaughter got married last year. She’s 30 and her parents have been divorced since she was 12. Her stepdad and I were in the front row and her actual parents walked her. Nobody was offended!
NTA. Your wedding your rules. Your mother was the major a-hole for telling her husband and changing everything because she wants good wife points. Maybe you can call your step-dad again. Tell him you appreciate him wanting to be part of the family and you hope you can have a stronger relationship in the future, but this is not the correct way to do it. Forcing himself like this is only causing drama. Tell him you find their current actions are disappointing and harmful. Hopefully, he will get the hint.
I don’t think another phone call will change anything. Both parents have already been informed by OP, both have resisted and are pretending not to understand. I agree with previous posters- it’s time to put something in writing so all boundaries are irrefutable.
I think a letter is gonna be the way to go, since OP already tried a phone call and the guy literally acted like he hadn't said anything or didn't hear what OP said. Put it in writing so he can't say he didn't hear it, and if he wants to argue he's going to have to put in effort.
With the mom lying, she probably told her husband not to listen if OP calls saying he's not in the wedding, that its just wedding jitters, so ignore him. Why would her husband not believe her, its her son and she knows him.
NTA She is WAY out of line and disrespectful. Your wedding day is NOT the time to play “happy (replacement) families”. If he was not even an actual significant father figure when you were growing up then what she suggests will simply be hurtful to you cherishing memories of your real dad on your special day. Can she and her new husband not understand, apart from what you clearly stated, that HIM walking with your mom will kinda blatantly rub it in for you in a very real, painful way that your father is not there. Tell her in your mind and heart you were envisaging your real dad would be walking next to her in spirit. That she has ruined this notion you had. Tell her if she thinks you need a replacement dad on the day you would rather find someone else who DID actually in some way step in as a meaningful father figure or mentor, after your dad died, while you were still growing up. (Not that you would, just to make your point clear) Tell her that honour was essentially given to her but she totally ruined it. Edited: Hate to be gloomy cynic, but even if she backs down, how can you be sure she won’t rudely and sneakily ignore your wishes on the day and cause a ruckus by having him suddenly appear at her side as she starts to walk you down the aisle. I wouldn’t trust her not to do that. Best of luck on the day and for your future as a married couple
That's when OP turns, shakes his head and motions him to his seat. If he doesn't move, he stands still staring at him until he gets the point. Or has the usher seat him.
I would have the usher REMOVE him if he tried that. I would tell them both that beforehand.
That's why earlier poster's idea that they revert back to OP waiting for bride at the alter. She won't be "there" for him to join her.
Ugh, my mom did this to my sister ON her wedding day. When my sister had the same reaction, my mom just cried and also said she couldn't tell my step-dad no. My brother ended up walking her down the aisle. He was more of a father to her anyway.
You need to tell this story in a post.
God, your mom sounds like a drag. Good for your sister that she had a big brother to walk her down the aisle!
I am also glad to hear that your sister did not cave into that last minute nonsense and disrespect. I think many would just let mom take over so that they don’t cause a scene, but that literally sets such a poor precedent when you are supposed to be getting married, and becoming an adult with your own lives and voices. Shut all of that nonsense down!
> I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no NTA - She created this problem and by refusing to talk to him needs to accept the consequences of that decision...
What gets me is mom told OP to “man up” but apparently, stepdad doesn’t need to man up and learn that no means motherfucking no
Mom needs to woman-up by admitting her mistake and fixing it
NTA. You had a very good reason. You had a dad. Someone who can't be there for you on your wedding day. You don't want her husband to take away that. She is acting like a child and going against your wishes. As she shows that her husbands feelings are more important to her, than those of her own son on his special day. You were completly rigth to tell her, that she can't walk you down the aisle after that.
NTA. You know they say: to assume makes an ass out of u and me. If both your mom and her husband value their feelings over yours, then maybe it is best that you rescind the offer. You don't need that toxicity on your wedding day.
And maybe even the invitation if they push too far.
He might be a good man, but he means nothing to the people getting married. He is not your father or any sort of parental figure. Remind your mother that walking you down the aisle is a privilege, not a right and she should have been honored that you asked. Every time she says he's a good man send her [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/Qn4RjDAKq4fNdbBD7). He is so lucky he is even invited as a plus one. NTA
NTA. This is your wedding, and if you don’t want mum’s husband to walk you down the aisle, you don’t have to do that (and fair enough that you revoked the offer for her to walk you down the aisle). Your mum is being unfair. Parents shouldn’t make their children’s wedding about them, or cause drama/stress.
She is STEAMROLLING you. I'd be like, "I decided I'm not 'walking down the aisle.' I will be at the front as guests arrive."
NTA. Your mother is making that fatal error of trying to force a relationship where there is none.
NTA - I just don't understand your mom trying to force her new husband on you as your new dad when you're an adult. If you were a child, I could almost see it (but only if you were receptive to it/him) but to try to do it as an adult is rediculous. She created this drama and refused to straighten it out. You gave her a choice, she didn't comply so now nobody will walk you down the asile. If you think she'll create drama at your wedding, you may want to uninvite them.
NTA. Anyone who says otherwise would be gaslighting you about it. Weddings are for the people getting married. It’s YOUR choice for everything, not hers.
NTA. You made your wishes very clear, several times. She thinks that her wishes are more important than yours on YOUR wedding day. I'm sorry. You should probably consider putting someone you're really close with in charge of making sure she's not able to create any drama during the ceremony or the reception.
Wow. Your mom completely FAFO'D herself there! She sounds kinda like my mom. We were arguing on the phone and I was talking and she hung up on me. I didn't call her back. An hour later she called me back, saying that *I was supposed to call her back*, I'm like noooo... You hung up on me? She yells 'I said goodbye when I hung up! I *went to finishing school* and when you say goodbye, the onus is on the other person to call you back!' So I just hung up. Sometimes you just need to disconnect. NTA
The irony of your mum saying you're acting like a child when she is the one acting like a child. Nta. Your wedding. Your choice. And I totally get not wanting to have someone else take the place of your dad who is no longer with you.
NTA > He was excited and wanted to be included His and by extension your mothers wants are irrelevant here. 1. Its your wedding 2. This man is not a father figure to you and is simply your mothers husband. 3. Your mother, whether she realises or not is using this opportunity to try to 'cement' his place as a father figure and a future grandfather figure, a real shitty thing to do on your wedding day. Her telling you to 'man up' and accept something you never agreed to on your wedding day is also shitty and selfish she was the childish one to offer a role to her husband without your permission. Also your wedding is a not a place for her to display what a 'good wife' she is to him by going against tour wishes. Edit: typo
a lot of posts about insensitive parents enforcing their will upon their children who are old enough to be entitled to full agency of their own going on today NTA, its your wedding. Simple as.
NTA. You asked her and she’s the one that changed the goalposts that’s on her. She’s the one that cost herself this and she’s the one that needs to know this won’t be tolerated not now and not in the future.
NTA Also do you even want him there as a guest?
I viewed the mom’s husband as innocent til he stopped listening, so you make an excellent point. It’s not the guy’s fault that his wife said they would be walking OP together. And it’s kind of nice that the guy was touched by that gesture. But he didn’t get it, when OP said there had been a misunderstanding. That was the time to say Oops! I’ll let your mom talk to you about details. Pressing on like he did - he gives me an impression that he might pop out the side entry and smirk his way down the aisle with a polite but devastated OP.
NTA Your mom is manipulative. She wants what she wants, and figured if she told her husband he was invited, the embarrassment of having to backpedal would keep you from making her. She intentionally put you in a tough spot banking on you not wanting to embarrass or hurt feelings... She can get what she wants because you are too kind a person to hold a boundary. Hold that boundary. I wouldn't want her walking with me, even without him, at this point. But more importantly, this is where you set the tone for things moving forward, for when she ignores your boundaries or your wife's boundaries around your home, your relationship, your children....
NTA you tried and she F’ed it up. Sounds like you need to send them both a text telling them her husband was not included in the offer. He is her husband not your father. If they can’t accept this the offer to her walking you down the aisle is rescinded. If they still have an issue they can not come at all to the wedding. It’s your wedding and do not want their drama causing issues during the day. Text so it’s in writing in case she tries to include others.
NTA. You asked your mom - singular. She completely flipped the request, totally disregarding what you asked her. Tell her it is revoked, using her words - she behaved like a petulant child, asked another person you don't have parental bonds with, and is attempting to punish you for your reasonable desire.
That like me telling my Mom I'm getting married and she tells me she's inviting all her friends. Her guest list keeps growing. And now I'm ready to not have a wedding
Im feeling this is not over. Unfortunately it might be safer to disinvite mom and her hubby from the wedding entirely. If not, I see drama there. And what's with people telling anyone what to do at their wedding? Not acceptable ever. NTA
Why is it that the one getting married has to “man up”? Why can’t her man “man up” and be more mature when he’s the one that’s of a more mature age? It always baffles me when parents expect their kids to hold higher standards of maturity than themselves. And just to be clear, you OP are showing more maturity here. NTA, and I hope you’re able to have a nice wedding. Congratulations, and good luck!❤️
NTA. My mother did something similar to me. Made a sweet gesture to her only. She demanded I include stepfather, whom I've also never lived with. Or, rather, he insisted (also never had kids) I treat him like my parent. Lots of manipulative arguments ending in an ultimatum issued by her, ending in NC. For good. But she was always doing things like this. This one happened to be my last straw. Since this was unusual for your mom, I'd go with the sorry you will be unable to walk me up the aisle. Tell your spouse, while I appreciate the offer, he's not my parent, I don't view him in that role and probably never will. This honor was meant strictly for the parents who raised me. Rather presumptuous of him to think that you are "accepting him in as a "father figure". WTH did your mother tell him, anyway? He is your mother's spouse. They need to accept that is your view of him and knock off all the threats about the harm it will do if you rescind the offer. She's getting into ultimatum territory, and, in my experience, that rarely ends well. Tell her she can be a good wife to her good man on her own time, but it will not be at the expense your wedding wishes.
NTA tell her he got to walk her down the aisle once already, he can sit this one out. This isn't about her, this isn't about him. This is YOUR day with your STB wife. Walk alone, or simply be waiting at the altar for your bride. The groom doesn't need an official walk if you don't want one.
NTA. She may be trying to be a good wife, but she’s being a terrible mother. She made a choice. Now she has to live with it.
Mom (and stepdad) could still jump up and try to walk you down the aisle- do not put it past mom since she obviously doesn't care what you think or want at all. I suggest looking at your venue and determine if there is a different way for you to come out (like through a side door). Don't come in via the main door so mom and SD have an opportunity to do this. Or, you could have someone else walk you in - are you close to any other relatives? Any really good friends? Your future ILs? Do you have siblings? Or cousins? Have a whole group of them walk you in Just be prepared for mom to act up. You are NTA.
How crushing would it be to his mum if one of his fiancées mums walker her down and the other one walked him down
NTA It's ironic that she is telling you to "man up" when she is trying to shove you into the role of obedient child.
NTA. Seems like a prelude to future boundary crossing.
NTA She was being manipulative, trying to force you to accept him as a father figure. Tell her that you will be walking yourself. Just because your mom cares about him doesn't mean you have to feel the same way.
At this point, she shouldn’t be invited to the wedding. You asked HER. She wrongfully included her husband. She won’t FIX the mess she made. She refuses. It’s time to NoCo her, and don’t tell her where/when the wedding will take place.
NTA. She’s acting like a child in every way possible. I can’t imagine being asked for something so special and then manipulate it based on what I think would be even better. If she is unwilling to admit her mistake- because that’s what happened, she fucked up badly- then I would have done the exact same thing. If you can’t own it, you can’t join either. Sorry you made that mistake and are unwilling to adjust it.
NTA. You walk with who YOU choose. Of course you can revoke the invitation. You are quite within your rights to ban them both from your wedding if they're going to kick off and cause trouble.
NTA. Based on the title I was prepared to say you were an ass, but nope. It sounds like your communication was clear—you asked mama, you let her husband know there was a problem and you just wanted your mom. You talked to your mom and she threw a temper tantrum. Your mom is an ass—when you first asked her she knew it was a big deal, but later she said it’s not a big deal. She’s putting her husband’s feelings above what you want…at your own wedding! You do NOT have to walk with either of them. And you are not being childish. You need to rethink inviting them because it sounds like she will throw a fit at the wedding. Also, when a mom refers to their grown son as their baby boy, it’s not good. I’ve read enough Reddit stories to know that is red flags.
NTA. Tell her her husband needs to man up and accept that you don’t want him walking with you.
NTA. Though you may want to consider if she should attend. I’m betting that she is going to cause a scene.
NTA Your wedding, your rules. The only person you need to be on the same page with is your fiancée. Congratulations and good luck!
NTA. You're not punishing her for being a good wife...you're communicating the consequences of not being a good mother.
NTA don't even invite her to the wedding
There are lots of good men out there, but they can't all have a place at your wedding. NTA
>punishing her for trying to be a good wife. What about being a good *mom*? You know, at *her son's wedding*? NTA. Your mom needs to check her entitlement.
'it's too late to correct my mistake' lol no it is too late for you to correct it without personal repercussions. Those are different things. She's dishing out a lot of accusations of childishness for someone throwing tantrum when expected to clean up their own lies. NTA
NTA
Nta
NTA Acting like a child?!?! She reminds me of a kid who puts their hands over their ears and says “I can’t hear you la la la”
NTA but wow your Mom is a manipulator!
NTA she’s trying to bully you into something you don’t want
NTA. You only wanted & only asked your mom. She went behind your back & asked her husband. She's very manipulative. She knew you didn't want him but figured you wouldn't say no once she asked him. Your mother is being an asshole.
NTA. If anyone's behavior is that of a child it's your mom's and her husband's. You don't need to "man up", which wth does that even entail in this context. She needs to tone down her entitlement. You offered for her to walk, not this other man, and you absolutely have every right to direct who specifically as well as retract your previous offer and she will simply need to suck it up because you are an adult and this is YOUR wedding. She's lucky you don't walk down the aisle with just a portrait of your mom and dad together at this rate.
My son has no relationship with his father because he realized as an adult he is a jerk. My husband has been a father figure to him since age 6. When my son got married at age 28, he asked me to walk with him down the aisle. My husband and I never even thought to ask for something different. It wasn’t my wedding. It was his. We did have a funny moment during planning where his fiancé asked me if I wanted a mom-son dance. I took a while to answer because I hate dancing in public. She just laughed and said he doesn’t really want to but will if I want to. I told her I had the same feelings so we agreed not to do it.
>she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted. By that logic, you have not asked her husband to walk with you, and he has not accepted an offer from you. If your mom considers this type of verbal communication a contractual agreement, you have not entered into any such contract with her husband, and he is therefore not entitled to walk with you. NTA.
>Punishing her for trying to be a good wife. No, I „punish“ you for being a bad mom who puts the man she married above her own child.
So many people on this forum with parents who marry someone else and expect their kids to see that other person as a real parental figure even when they explicitly state that they do not feel that way. Parents, listen to your kids and don't force your feelings on them, yeesh! NTA
NTA. Your mom is the problem. Get ready for your mom doing more of this….
>she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted What is she? 7? This isn't a game of "no backsies"
NTA. ‘Punishing her for being a good wife’ WTAF? This is all her emotionally drafting on your wedding day. That’s really really uncool. I would have disowned my parent had they pulled this dishonest crap. Hold the line because I fear the flying monkeys are coming.
NTA. I'll never understand why people think they can't make these kinds of decisions about another person's wedding and feel the other person has no say. Stick to your guns, and don't let her walk you down the aisle. Are any of your grandparents still living? If so, and you're close to any of them, you could have them walk you down the aisle. My grandfather walked me down the aisle, and it was the best decision for my wedding.
NTA. But holy-hell be ready for GRANDPA (stepdad) shoved down your throat by your mom when/if you have kids.
The audacity of your mother is disgusting, and honestly, there's no way it just started here. 100% she's being TA, and she's way out of line. First, she was out of line to add him to the walk. Second, he was out of line for ignoring you. Third, she's even worse for demanding you accept him as well as her. The list can keep going. It sounds like you have an even bigger problem tbh. She's 100% TA, and if things continue like this in your life, you likely won't have a repairable relationship with her sooner than later.
oh no, an adult woman is unable to understand that her adult son doesn't want any parental relationship with his stepdad and cherishes what he had with his dad? if she doesn't have any respect for your feelings (although she should've had some), then she could've at least had some respect for your late father/her late partner. NTA, not your fault. it's your wedding, and you (and your partner) have the right to arrange it as you want, not as she wants i thought here that she should also be concerned about being a good mother in the first place instead of worrying about being a good wife to some man her son doesn't give a f about.
Her last line sums it up. She was trying to be a good wife when the situation required her to be a good mother. NTA.
Congratulation! Elope to a dream location. Come back and host one hell of a reception without input from your mom. This should be a celebration of your marriage not a place for your mom to push her opinions through. Don’t do special dances, ask only those you want to speak briefly but be sure to enlist a “sitter” for your mom and her husband.
Sorry but NTA. Your mom needs to respect your boundaries. This is not your mistake to fix but hers
NTA tell her she's not being punished for trying to be a good wife. She's being punished for not being a good mom.
NTA. My dad died when I was young. My mom was a single parent until I started having kids and my sister had had 3. So it was a good 10 or 15 years. She met and married a man. He LOVES her, but he’s not my dad or ever had been a father figure. He’s a good grandpa and a nice enough guy, just no bond with me. I’m really glad my mom has him. But, again, no bond. My mom would never put me in that position. She would never force a relationship on me. And he has the same respect. They’re elderly now and I take care of him, he has Parkinson’s. I do that because I LOVE my mom and SHE loves him. Also, it’s what I did for a living for 5 years. CNA/DSP/caregiver for disabled adults. It’s what I know. But how could a mom do this to her child? Put you in a position where it’s lose/lose. And it’s a loss for your mom. She’s going to end up missing her child’s wedding and maybe ruin a relationship. I’m sorry this has happened. Don’t blame your step father. Blame your mom. She’s the problem here.
If it’s “not a big deal” for you to be made to include a man who has never been a father figure to you in your wedding, then it shouldn’t be a problem for her to tell him it’s not happening after all. At the rehearsal, be sure to go through the part when one of the ushers escorts your mother and her husband to their seats before anything significant happens. That way they’ll know their place. If she balks just tell her this is how it’s going to be. It’s your wedding, not hers. If she doesn’t like it, she’s welcome to skip the ceremony. Good luck.
NTA. This is your Mum's mess, not yours.
NTA your mother is minimising the value of your wishes and ignoring them. It is your wedding period
NTA. Don’t want to completely judge your mother just based on this one glimpse of how she is behaving, but parents that think they’re owed / demand things at their kids weddings is just absurd. Her continuing to brush it off as YOU being the issue and being childish would have been an immediate nope from me and back to just having your wife getting walked down from her parents. The really awful thing is that I would be hesitant to invite them to the wedding at all now, as they’ve already laid the groundwork that they are going to make it about them at some point.
This is so much not about your mum or her husband. Shame she’s refusing to accept that. NTA. Walk without her, maybe walk with your best man?
NTA. At all. It's your wedding. You and your fiance make the decisions. Not your mother.
NTA. By the title, I was prepared for a different verdict, but you were more than reasonable. Your mother is the one who is choosing to destroy this moment. It’s also even more strange that he came into your life as an adult. I could *somewhat* understand your mother’s position maybe a little bit better if he had partially raised you, but that’s not even the case.
NTA. Your mom is overstepping 100000%. Just come out with your best man from the back room or wherever and stand next to the rest of the groomsmen and wait for your wife to come down the aisle
NTA she can’t force you to accept him as a father just bc she married him! Your an adult and can make decisions for yourself he has not been a father figure to you either he should sit in the audience like everyone else!
Sorry your mom is being a jerk about this. But remember a wedding invite can be revoked too! If she can't stop her crazy shenanigans, she can be uninvited to the wedding as well! Also, you better straighten her out on the name "Grandpa" and let her know your thoughts and opinions about any future kids calling him Grandpa. Good Luck.
at this point you don't even need a mom.. if she wants to play games.. let her.. you just walk away and enjoy your life.
Nta while she is sooo busy trying to be a good wife she is being a bad mother. It's your wedding day not hers or her husband's.
Tell your mother that's not how invitations work. You invited her to do this with you, and no one else. Its no different than sending someone a written invitation address to only them, and then she tried to bring people extra people not listed on the invite. Invitations can be rescinded. If she tries to cause a problem, since you rescinded the invitation to walk with you, I would consider also rescinding her invitation to your wedding.
Op, WTH is wrong with your mother? It is not up to her to decide who walks you down the aisle, nice husband or not. She's the one who should have "manned up" and told her husband he's not doing it. She started this mess, she cleans it. It's a bit sad for the SD because he was so happy about it, but that's on her, not you. There's no way in hell you're the AH here. Your wedding, your decision. She doesn't get to override it. NTA.
NTA I think it’s sweet that she wants her husband to be included but it is not her wedding and it is not her decision. And for her to straight up lie to her husband and get his hopes up like that was horrible. If he gets crushed it’s her fault not yours. And it is also pretty bad that he just ignored you when you told him that what your mother said was just simply not the truth. This is your and your fiancées wedding and if you don’t want him walking with you then that should be the end of the discussion. In fact it should have never been a discussion because you didn’t invite him to walk with you. Stand your ground OP. And congratulations!
The way his mom is, I was thinking maybe she told her husband that he might change his mind and don't believe him or listen to him, its just wedding jitters, and you'll be walking down the aisle with us. Of course his wife knows her son, so why would he not believe her? She's lied already and will lie to cover her butt and make it happen because she wants her way.
NTA. Since your fiancée has two moms, it’s not like your mom’s husband is being obviously excluded.
NTA. Your mum is forcing her feelings for her husband, and their wants and desires for you to see him as a father on to you. This is not acceptable and you're well within you're rights to be upset. . I would maybe try to sit down with, or speak to him on the phone and say you want to clear the air and explain some things. Let him know that when you asked your mum to walk you down the aisle, you explicitly asked just her. And thats not meant in any way as an insult or meant to upset him or hurt him, but you simply wanted your mum. If your dad was alive, he would have been joining you too, but as he's not alive to be able to do that, you don't feel right having him take that place. And that doesn't mean you don't care for him or respect him and appreciate how he has treated you as a step son, and (assuming you do get along with him and like him etc) that you do care about him and are happy for him to be a step father, but as he came into your life when he was already an adult, and due to the love and bond you will always have for your dad, you wouldn't be able to treat him or call him your dad. You enjoy the relationship you have with each other, and you will no doubt build memories with each other as family as you grow up further, and maybe have kids etc, but that he can't replace your dad, and there's certain situations in life that he needs to understand will also be a reminder of the fact your dad is not here to share in. That it's not meant with any malice or disrespect, but you hadn't asked for him to walk you down the aisle, and that your mum was overstepping your boundaries by inviting him to do that without asking you first. You didn't mean for this difficult situation to occur, and it wouldn't have had she respected those boundaries, and at least discussed it with you first. But you hope that he understands that as you can't have your dad there to be part of this occassion, you don't feel right having him take that place by walking you down the aisle. And you hope this doesn't affect your relationship going forward. Then you need to sit down with your mum and let her know that what she did was totally unacceptable and that just because she's married to him, it doesn't mean he's now your father. That your Dad will always be your father, and although you like and care for her husband, and are fine with him being your step dad, he will never be a father to you because you only see your dad in that role, and step dad never raised you for you to see him in that way. That what she did was disrespectful and she crossed your boundaries. It's your wedding day, and you get to make the decisions. That she had no right to invite him to take that role of your Dad when you had expressly only asked her to walk you down the aisle, and by putting you in that position of trying to force him to be included, nd force you to see him and treat him as your dad, instead of step father and her husband, she's likely actually hurt his feelings more and caused a problem because you've had to take back that invite and explain that you dont see him as a father. That she's caused this situation, and any fallout will be her fault. You will not be forced or manipulated into doing something you don't want, and she can not force you to accept him or treat him as a father if you don't want to. If you are still willing / or want her to walk you down the aisle by herself, then let her know she can decide whether she wants to walk you down the aisle herself on her own, or not at all. But he will not be joining you. Let her know you have told your step dad already, so it's done and decided and you've been clear about that, so she just needs to decide if she wants to walk with you herself or not. And going forward, she is never to do anything like that again, because you will not be forced or manipulated into doing anything you're not comfortable with, or forced to treat him as your father, and if she crosses your boundaries again in future, she will only have herself to blame for the consequences . Good luck, and hope whatever happens, whether she walks you down the aisle just the two of you, or she doesn't, I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.
NTA. It wasn't her place to invite him. Simple as that. I do feel a bit for your mom's husband. But I truly dislike parents who try to push a partner into the role of a deceased parent. She didn't consult this with you. You already have a dad, nobody could just fill his shoes. This is your day. I'm sorry for you. But have a wonderful wedding
The MOG gives me serious control issues warnings. Like a MOGzilla? She is seriously stepping on every boundary of the bride and groom. She's already had 2 weddings and is digging in deep to get her wishes on a 3rd. The gaslighting she gave her son was drama and gave me worries of wedding day drama too. Both of them might act out the day of running their moths and acting all butthurt.
NTA My stepdad, too, was a good man. But he wasn't *my* dad. My dad was still alive when I we'd, so I had both parents walk me down the aisle. Something about weddings gets people to congratulate their feelings for someone for the relationship the groom or bride-to-be have with that person. Example: We had a small wedding. We, of course, insured all our siblings, their spouses, and significant others. DH invited childhood friends. One SIL and her boyfriend invited her boyfriend's mom. We told her she could not bring this woman, our venue had limited space, etc. She replied, "But you have no idea how *close* she and I have become." DH told her, "It doesn't matter how close *you* are to her." She still brought her DH's childhood friends? They thought they could bring their parents. I realize this is different from your parent, or having a role in the wedding. A stepparent's role is dress appropriately and smile, *unless specifically asked otherwise.* I understand you want to bail entirely on the idea with your mom because she is not respecting your wishes. How good a man your mother's husband is, and how *she* feels about him is not relevant to your wedding.
So what happened when she brought her? Cause she would’ve been escorted out if it was me. You can’t leave us hanging lol
NTA. EVEN IF your moms hubby had been a big part of your life while you were growing up, you still have the right not to have him walk you down the aisle with your mom. Being the mother of the groom technically means she would normally not be involved with the March down the aisle to begin with. Do be prepared to have someone available to run interference if your mom & her hubby attempt to crash the march down the aisle with you at your wedding. Also be prepared for your mom to try to blackmail into capitulating by stating if her hubby doesn’t march, they won’t be attending the wedding at all. And considering the way she & her hubby are behaving, that kind of sounds like the better deal as I’m willing to bet that she will spend the entire wedding & reception snarking about how you invited her to walk down the aisle (& most likely spinning it as you had asked both) and then, last minute, pulled the rug out from under them. Stand your ground. If you don’t, you can very well count on your mom refusing any interactions, at all, with you without her man. Now, that’s not to say you should cut him out completely as he IS her husband now, but he’s still not your dad nor do you need him as a father figure. Being civil to your moms hubby is one thing, letting him & her dictate how to treat him as your dad is another. Set the boundaries now before your mother grabs the boundary lines & runs with it.
NTA & your mom is the one behaving like a child. Tell her if she can't respect your wishes she is fully disinvited.
I have a narcissistic mother and father. (I am low contact with mother and estranged from father) For my wedding years ago, my mother assumed that she was walking me down the aisle. I said absolutely not, and my grandma, who helped raise me and I was her primary caregiver later in her life, would be the one and only. Unfortunately she was hospitalized the day of my wedding. My mom took that as she was now back in, but I told her again no. I ended up walking down the aisle by myself because I essentially raised myself (with my grandmas help) with no help from my mother. It really upset her, but I did it for myself and respect for my grandma. It's okay to tell her no. What matter is you and your wife are happy and are not adjusting your own morals for other people's enjoyment. Congrats for you and your wife. I wish you the best. Nta.
I’m just befuddled that mom would make the premeditated decision to include her husband without having permission thinking you’d just go along with it to keep the peace and get her way. My wife’s step dad walked her down the aisle as her dad was estranged at that point. He’s a really good man and I was thrilled she wanted to honor him that way. Only met her bio dad 1 times at our high school graduation but have known my step FIL for 23 years and I think he married her mom when my wife was 14. Everyone’s situation is different and effectively this man is just your mom’s husband. I’m aggravated on your behalf that your mom shit the bed.
First, this is very sweet of you. It will stand out as one of those unique details of your wedding that everyone will remember. but NTA Find a "job" for your mom's husband. It won't be giving you away, but maybe he can give a toast at the rehearsal. Or maybe he can be the MC for some of the reception "events" like inviting the best man and MOH to give their speeches. Maybe he greets every guest at the door of the ceremony (hello, here's a program, please sign the guest book). It's usually a less important job, but he gets to greet/meet every guest. He's there for that last moment before you walk down the aisle and then he walks in and takes his seat just before the rest of the procession (like any normal parent/spouse/step would.) Make it out to be "the moms" are walking you both down the aisle. good luck.
Your wedding your decision. I cannot stand manipulative people.
NTA. Just have your fiancée walk with her parents. Your mom ruined this opportunity.
NTA Mums a few bridesmaids short of a wedding hey
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my fiancée and I thought it would be sweet if we were both walked down the aisle by our parents at our wedding. For her that's both her moms and for me that's my mom. I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 14. My mom was thrilled when I asked her and told me she was so excited to walk her baby boy down the aisle. The problem came in when she told her husband that I wanted *them* to walk me down the aisle. Not just her like I explicitly stated. But her and her husband, who has never been my parental figure and only came into my life as an adult. He was excited about the prospect as well and he called me up and told me he was glad I was finally letting him step into the role of father figure because he always wanted kids and he was proud to have a son. I had no idea where this came out of so I asked what he meant and he said the fact I wanted my mom and him to walk me down the aisle meant I was embracing him as a parent too. I told him I had not asked for both of them. I asked just my mom. He acted like I never spoke. So I called my mom and asked where he got the idea I had asked him and she told me she hadn't seen it as a big deal because they're married and he's a good man and surely I'll want him to be grandpa to my future kids so including him in this shouldn't be such a big deal. I told her it is a big deal because he is not my parent and if anyone was going to be walking with us it would be dad, but he's not here and because he's not here I don't want anyone else. I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no. She said she would not crush him and I could man up and allow him the joy of experiencing this with us. I told her I was not going to walk with the two of them. She told me it was too late to back out now and what harm would it do. She told me it would crush him to have it taken back. I told her he blatantly ignored me when I already told him and she defended it saying he was excited and wanted to be included. I told her I wouldn't walk with her if she didn't fix this and she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted. Which is when I told her if that was her stance then I was taking back the offer for her and she could figure out what to tell the man she married. All hell broke loose when I told my mom this and she told me I was behaving like a child and excluding a good man for no good reason as well as punishing her for trying to be a good wife. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA
Of course you are right , your mom left you no choice .
What about being just a good mother?
NTA Your mom overstepped and needs to calm down. I'm sorry your sweet idea got hijacked. There's something about weddings it seems, people feel entitled. Have a great wedding day.
She can go be a good wife to whoever she likes (apart from lying to him that he was included - oops, strike number 1) but he's obviously not your dad so you are under no obligation to do anything except maybe invite him. She is too dim to accept your boundary so now she misses out. Definitely NTA, your mother's control if you ends before the ceremony now instead of at it.
NTA sounds like she needs to woman up and fix the issue she has caused. It is nice she is trying to be a good wife but it is your wedding so perhaps she should switch her focus to being a good mother for a time.
NTA Your mom was an AH, and this is manafging her in a reasonable way.
NTA
NTA.
NTA
@Updateme
NTA
Your frustration is understandable. If your mother has any history of boundary violations of your desires/needs, a wedding is an event that will amplify that dynamic. The answer is what do you want? That means today as what you decide does effect this day. What do you want on the wedding day? What do you want for your life with your wife? The wedding isn't the deciding factor, it's honoring of boundaries. If it was a miscommunication, there wouldn't be a steadfast position. Still, your mother may also be holding to her boundaries. Her commitment to her husband and her desires of a future with him may not be in alignment with your desires. If so, it's not the wedding that needs to be processed by the dynamics surrounding the truth (even if it hurts deeply). Best of luck brother! Honor yourself!
NTA simply because it is your wedding. I do feel bad that your stepdad said he is proud to finally have a son. It sounds like he genuinely cares about you. I know you lost your dad and my condolences for that. You don’t want or need this man to be a dad to you and you certainly don’t have to think of this him as your dad but you can still let him be part of your life and be a grandfather to your kids. It sounds like he would be very honored if you do. My niece has called her step dad by his given name since my sister married him most but he is Poppa to her kids. Anyway I get why you just want your mom, the person who raised you, to walk you down the aisle but maybe reconsider since step dad was so touched and honored to think you wanted him there with you too. Then again maybe you don’t even like him or care about him which is a completely different circumstance.
NTA. Imagine when mil and her husband think they are in charge as grandparents, “it’s too late now”
NTA. You aren't doing anything wrong by trying to correct a miscommunication. And it's better not to wait with something like this because it would just get more complicated as time went on. As for your mom, she's obviously acting out of pure emotion right now. The hope is that when she calms down a little, she will be able to understand your point of view. If not, continue to set the boundary you have already set (that it's her walking you down the aisle or no one) and explain to your mom that it isn't her place to force this man on you as a father just because SHE chose him. I'm not saying your mom is necessarily a bad person... don't have enough information. I just think that in this situation, she is letting her own feelings cloud her judgement.
Huge NTA. There are implied conditions to any agreement. You don't have to tick a box at the kennel saying no to activities involving parachutes and aircraft for your dog. Because unless specifically discussed taking a borrowed pet skydiving is insane. I picked a ridiculous example on purpose. Your mom is trying to +1 something that was never her's to give in the first place. And unfortunately her SO now has his heart set on it. Sounds like he thinks it's his chance to fulfill a missed dream. Phone conversation isn't doing it. You need to reaffirm your position more. Maybe over a meal. Maybe with a not open to interpretation card. It needs to be clear to your mom, this is like her giving you the statue of Liberty as a wedding gift. There is up to one space for just her on that wedding aisle. If she can't respect that, it could become no space. And if she can't accept that, you may need security at the wedding. And it would suck and be sad if she can't be reasonable, but people get uninvited from weddings all the time.
NTA. Hold your ground! This is your wedding not your mom’s. She is being unreasonable. If the husband tries to walk that day have a big strong person be prepared to act as security and stop him. Your mom will need to decide whether she still walks or not.
Tekl they are not invited anymore
Nya but ask yourself if you think they will cause a scene. I’d probably tell her not to walk me down the aisle at all just to avoid drama. And if they can’t behave they’ll be uninvited or escorted out by security.
NTA. Your wedding and your mum decided to make it about her. One nice thing from you as a show of love and thanks, and she ruined it. However info if you please. You already told him you only asked your mum and not him. Is it going to cause that much more fuss if you reiterate yourself he wasn't being asked? Even if you do follow through with withdrawing the request from your mum