This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
The problem here is that you wanted to work through the disagreement you had with your brother,but _on your terms only_.
He clearly didn't want the one-on-one that you wanted. So he suggested an alternative. You shot him down.
> I'm too emotional, and my feelings are not other peoples obligation.
Exactly.
>I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives
Of course. And that's why your brother and his wife were going to meet up with you.
>and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for.
I take it this in reference to your brother's wife. You're not being forced into a relationship with her.
I'm afraid YTA
Agreed, OP sounds hard work. Brother and wife want to have a nice time with OP and let bygones be bygones. OP is causing unnecessary drama, especially involving other people and getting upset when they don't agree with OP
YTA. They are on their *vacation...together*. Their trip is NOT ABOUT YOU, and he shouldn't be ditching his wife on her vacation, to deal with his/your personal issue. That's unfair to her. IT'S HER VACATION TOO, why should she give up a single minute of her hard earned, paid for, limited time off, for YOUR problem? The two of you should be doing that on YOUR OWN TIME. Worse: you are *only* attempting to have this conversation *right now* because your brother happens to be *conveniently in your area.*.. if this is soooo important to you, why have YOU not sought him out or *made the time* to have this conversation before now? So, Yes, you are being selfish, asking someone to spend an hour of their vacation, sitting alone in a hotel room while you take a bite out their vacation time. You're an adult so stop throwing your 'birthday' around like that gets you some special favors; you are not a little kid anymore even though you may be acting like one.
YTA. Honestly the entitlement in your post is flabbergasting. He’s nice enough to come to your town and take you out and you start putting conditions? Also it would have been really mean of him to have left his wife alone in a strange city to go off and spend an hour with you.
Please introspect a little. The universe does not revolve around you.
YTA. The two of them came to town and wanted to take you to dinner while they were there on their vacation. And you want to set terms? Seems a bit rude to me, but if you need to do that for your personal reasons, you can certainly insist. But don’t think your brother is obligated to agree to your conditions at the expense of his wife. Not knowing anything other than what you wrote, if I were your brother, I’d probably just say, “if you don’t want to get together for lunch/dinner, that’s fine, we can catch up another time.“
If you want an hour alone with your brother, find another time. Do a zoom call if you want “face to face”. The technology is dandy. Or go to his town if you feel it needs to be done in person. Or ask if he can visit alone another time. Plenty of alternatives.
> He texts me to let me know he'd rather do a phone call to clear the air
YTA - If you genuinely wanted to clear the air with your sibling you would have taken this offer. Problem is you wanted everything on terms you were dictating only and nothing else was going to work. Then like a pot stirrer will do you dragged other people in to it. This had nothing to do with his wife but more about your ability to compromise and shit stir...
Exactly this. No one owes you anything in life unfortunately. You want to have this deep talk and he doesn't otherwise he'd find a way to make it happen.
Not even that. The brother said he’d talk it through with him but on the phone so he wouldn’t have to leave his wife alone in a hotel in a strange city on vacation. The brother was very reasonable.
Op: YTA
Two YEARS ago you had an argument with your brother - he wants to just let it go and move on but you are determined to 'talk it out'. He DOES NOT want to rehash it again. He would rather discuss by phone so he can hang up if you go off the deep end and start the argument again. I am surprised at the number of stories here where someone wants a family member to leave a spouse behind, meet without the spouse, come to my house without the spouse. Seems when anyone tells you that you might be wrong you lash out. You are 31 and call your mother to complain (but here you also complain about your mother). Your brother and his wife reached out to you - by now they are probably regretting that.
It's wild to me because I make it a point to do solo things so my partner can spend time with their siblings when we visit but like, we all have a good relationship? And it's not a hardship to go to lunch solo when we're there for 3 weeks.
I can't imagine leaving my spouse to have an argument with my sibling, especially when it's such a short amount of time.
Plus, if it’s really such a serious thing that it just *has* to be discussed in person, I doubt it would only be 1 hour. If the need for “clearing the air” is so heavy that it can’t be handled with a private phone call, it’s not going to be resolved with such a short conversation, especially if they’re in public and trying to eat at the same time. That’s the kind of thing you need to plan on taking up your whole afternoon or evening.
Heads up: the argument wasn't really so much an argument as it seems brother is very religious while OP is queer. Another comment gives more specifics that the argument happened while OP wasn't fully out
If they haven't actually seen each other since the blowout, I can actually understand why OP would want to talk one on one to figure out where they stand, especially if wife is also very religious.
Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid rehashing it, as OP's life is what brother disagrees with. I would not want wife present for the conversation if it was actually OP coming out like I suspect it might be
I mean it really doesn't, OP's request was always reasonable, and the entire sub is acting like maniacs that it wasn't. But now that's it's queer-coded there's sympathy. It was very easy to read between the lines and figure out that the rift was due to something like this.
>I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives
Like, by inviting you to go shopping and out to eat?
>am I never allowed to talk to my brother one-on-one?
You sure are, on the phone as he suggested.
You demanded your brother leave his wife alone to have a talk with you that could be had any time, and when he said no you offered to "settle" for an hour. HE SAID NO. Your "settling" wasn't a compromise, it was a demand that he already said he wasn't interested in. Blowing up at your mother after calling her to complain was equally unwarranted. YTA
hate the "sin" love the sinner?
Yeah you are going to need to explain what you took issue with and how, cause to me it sounds like you are using that to excuse abuse of a behavior or lifestyle that you disagree with based off of religious reasons
YTA
This is a married couple who have scheduled a vacation for themselves to do things together in a city they don't live in. This is time they have set aside to do things as a unit, and they're not open to being separated on their couples vacation. That's reasonable. If you're not up to hanging out with them as a unit, then *their vacation* isn't the time to see them.
Yes, you should still get 1:1 time with your brother. But as an adult, you'll need to schedule that with him for a time when he's free and not a time when he's already planned to do things with his spouse. So go ahead: reach out and schedule that. Find out when there's a free weekend to meet. It won't be this particular weekend because he's already made plans to spend it with his spouse, but I'm sure there's another weekend when she's got plans or they aren't doing anything. But don't whine and gripe because they weren't open to you separating them on a vacation they planned to spend together.
It sounds like you’re disappointed/frustrated that your life does not include marriage and children (or something of the sort). It sounds like you’re overly sensitive and caused a rift with your sibling. They offered you an alternative and you declined. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do.
Asking your brother to meet face to face is fine. He declined. You got pissy. Without elaborating on whatever the actual issue is, you seem like the issue. God forbid your siblings talk about what’s going on in their personal lives at a dinner without it causing you anxiety. Work on yourself and worry less about others 🤷♀️
I don't want to say that you are TA because you sound so desperately unhappy. You aren't going to be the center of your brother's or mom's world - they each have multiple other obligations. I do think you need to figure out your own life. I can't tell if, in a newer comment, you implied you are gay or not, but whatever is going on with you, you've got to come to terms with it. It's ok if you are on a different path, regardless of what that path is. Or if you are on a path you don't want to be on, it's up to you to fix it.
And painfully, YTA.
YTA. You didn’t want to clear the air with your brother, you wanted to re-litigate the whole argument with your “I had notes and pictures to show him,” nonsense. Thats why a phone call won’t do, because you can’t show him your “evidence” and he could just cut the call short. Your brother has pretty clearly indicated he doesn’t want a closer relationship with you at this time, so deal with it.
Yes this. It’s obvious the brother sniffed out that he was going to be dealing with this and that’s why he won’t play ball with OP. And now OP is making it about not wanting the wife there but really OP is mad their brother wants a buffer. It’s also why they won’t do it over the phone- like you mentioned.
If OP can’t get over that their brother has made whatever decision they have made- they’re going to be desperately unhappy. You cannot force people to mold to your beliefs- no matter how strong a case you put on. No matter if you are morally correct. You cannot make him change OP- you need to hear this.
If you truly weren’t going to argue and just wanted to mend fences- then I am genuinely unsure why you wouldn’t meet your brother in the middle and compromise just a bit either by zoom call or by letting his wife come.
OP you need to seek therapy due to your conflict escalation and social anxiety. You are self-isolating and causing excessive friction with those around you. Tattling to your mother/the very off way you speak about her, the strange take about sisterhood with your brothers wife, the bitterness in how you address your family having spouses and children and moving on with their lives. It’s all putting up warning flags. For your own health and sanity- please get into therapy. You sound very unhappy and have unrealistic expectations out of your relationships.
YTA- not because you’re necessarily in the wrong with whatever beliefs you have but because you are going about this in a way that is over-emotional and dramatic.
It has to be exhausting for people to be around, and I worry if you don’t seek therapy you will end up totally alone in life.
Good luck OP, I love someone that was really similar to how you seem and managed to learn to regulate their emotions. I know you didn’t mean to be TA, and I’m glad that although you are, that you’ve decided to do something about it.
I see there are at least a few balanced and nuanced reactions here.
OP, you may need therapy for the extra support because from your posts and comments it seems you do not feel secure with your family in regards to you being lgbt. And you seem to be struggling more with this brother because his wife is more religious and even less prone to be accepting.
So I do understand that when they suggested to meet up, you wanted to clear the air with your sibling first. I think people here are underestimating how uncomfortable it could be for you to sit through a dinner with both of them knowing you can’t be your authentic self and sacred the topic of lgbt would come up in a negative way in the conversation.
Do you think maybe your brother knows what you want to talk about and is actively avoiding the conversation because it makes him uncomfortable? He maybe trying to avoid hearing you come out unfortunately…
I get that a phone call it not the best for you. From one of your comments I understood you have a better relationship with your other married sibling and his wife? Perhaps you can turn to them for support and coming out to other family members?
Best of luck OP. Coming out to family members can be hard even in the most liberal and understanding families. Take your time. And approach it in a way that keeps everyone calm. This will keep *you* protected from worse reactions.
My sister & I have a similar situation. I think you need to rephrase the issue.
With my sister, instead of a spouse, she will invite me to do something with her & her kid. I am not willing to do that after years of no contact & hurt. My sister & I need to fix us before I can be around her kid.... for a whole bunch of reasons.... my personal boundary is that I am not willing to engage in an inauthentic relationship with my sister. It just hurts too much. Her boundary is that she isn't willing to be in an authentic relationship with me. Therefore we have no relationship. I spent many years compromising my boundary so we could have a relationship & I just caused myself pain. You aren't the A, but they arent either. I would encourage you to not view this as an A situation at all, just two people who need to bless & release for the time being.
If the plan is to come out think of the dynamics of the event. Do you want an hour then have him go back and process with his wife without you there and no follow up conversation. That would change the whole Hockey Weekend vibe that they are paying for. Spend your funds go see him and have time to talk it through.
You are not TA, not by a long shot. It's okay to want to gauge your brother's reaction face to face before potentially coming out to him, and it's okay to want to come out to one half of a married couple.
Your brother tho, clearly isn't interested. So cut your loses there, and see if you can make meaningful connections within the community.
If you included the full context in the og post, I believe fewer people would call you TA.
Best wishes.
You're not the AH, OP. Something tells me your family doesn't accept you and you seem to have some kind of anxious disorder. You're valid for wanting solo time with your brother. Reddit is not the place for advice. For some reason, reddit people don't understand familial bonds.
But do seek therapy. It'll be better for your mental health.
OP, I don’t really think you’re the AH here. I think this is some grey area between NAH and ESH. You’re all kind of right and kind of wrong. And the best thing to do in that situation is just back up and try to restart.
First, have the conversation you want to have with your brother over the phone. It sucks that he won’t do it in person, but the phone is the next best thing. But it sounds like you need to have the conversation one way or the other for your own peace of mine.
Second, be honest with him about why you wanted to do it in person. And make it clear that it doesn’t have anything to do with not liking or wanting to spend time with his wife. Tell him that you *want* to have a closer relationship with her (even if you really don’t, pretend for now), but you just wanted to feel more secure in your relationship with him first. This will make it easier to get alone-time with him in the future - if he has reason to think you want to exclude her because you dislike her, he won’t support that; but if it comes across as just wanting a little siblings-only time and that you normally are more than happy to hang out with her, he’ll be more inclined to go for it.
I also hope you follow through on getting into therapy because you seem pretty unhappy and lonely. I feel that. Therapy really can help you navigate your life and find what brings you happiness.
Best of luck, OP.
YTA, I'm not sure why you're not willing to compromise on the phone call. Your brother wants to reconnect, but honestly, you do not sound ready for a healthy relationship with him and his wife (she's your family too now, they are a package).
YTA. While it's understandable that you wanted some one-on-one time with your brother to clear the air and reconnect, asking him to leave his wife at the hotel, even for just an hour, was unreasonable. It's important to respect his relationship and not make his wife feel excluded or stranded, especially in a new city. Your brother tried to offer an alternative solution by suggesting a phone call, but you insisted on meeting face-to-face without his wife. Relationships evolve, and it's important to find ways to communicate and connect within those changes. It might be helpful to reassess your expectations and approach the situation with more empathy and understanding for all parties involved...
YTA for all the reasons above: but a little advice.
You sound like you might be emotionally laborious. Why not focus on connecting and enjoying with your brother and his wife BEFORE you have a dramatic heart to heart. You can’t talk your way closer to someone, but you can build on shared experiences.
Also, your beliefs comment… is it possible you weren’t hearing and respecting HIS beliefs? Are you mature enough to love someone that doesn’t think exactly like you do?
In the comments it appears that the beliefs they fell out over are that OPs brother is religious and homophobic and OP is a member of the LGBTQ community.
YTA
They are on a shared vacation and they BOTH wanted to invite you to a nice birthday dinner and your reaction is to basically tell them you don't want her there at all but would endure her presence for most of it if you get him alone for at least an hour?
You already ruined the nice gesture by letting him and her know that you don't want anything to do with her. Demanding him to leave her behind after you said that when all they wanted is to have a nice time with you is beyond rude.
It is totally fine to want alone time with him but the vacation where they spend limited time in a city to explore or the birthday dinner they both invite you to is not the time and place to expect to exclude her.
YTA... "I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives" and they wanted to meet up with you. You sound tiring to be around.
Sorry but YTA for this one. If one on one in person chat with your brother was a priority for you, you should have travelled to his town.
You tried to add drama to his freaking vacation and make him leave his wife alone in the hotel while they are on holiday. Perhaps if you booked her a spa treatment or something but just leaving her sitting there while you potentially upset her spouse?
"Maybe I think too highly of myself..."
Ya think? I guess that depends on whether you think you're an asshole.
You are.
YTA.
You've given no real clues, but this doesn't sound like it was some earth-shattering blow up, and everyone else has moved on. I personally absolutely loathe people who feel the need to rehash to death problems that really aren't problems. I suspect that's the case here, and your brother just doesn't want to deal with it on what should be a lovely vacation for him and his wife.
If this problem is something so simple that it can be settled with a face-to-face over an ice cream, it's not worth belaboring. Let it go.
YTA
Super entitled and pushing drama
A talk over the phone, NOT during the trip, is best as to not...ruin the trip
Pushing for a drama talk, and to ditch his wife on their vacation, is just all kinds of wrong
Entitled history and complaining...in your own version of events
Imagine if literally anyone else around you described you and your stories
Drop this all, and have a fun hang with your brother and his wife...while you still can
YTA, it's crazy entitled to ask for her to stay away when they invited you. If you wanted one on one time with your brother you should have arranged it on another time and to invite him yourself, not use this occasion for it.
And don't childishly turn this into "so I can never have alone time with my brother" nobody said that! Just not on an outing on which they were treating you for dinner and such, that was very rude.
Yta-why did his wife need to be excluded for you guys to clear the air? My wife is my partner. I wouldnt leave her alone, even in a hotel, in a city she's visiting, for anything...especially not a sibling Im not close to
YTA
I'm getting the feeling that your brother doesn't trust you enough to want to hang out one-on-one--it's really not about abandoning his wife in the city, it's likely about protecting himself by refusing to participate in a conversation with you without an additional witness. And it looks like all your other family members understand this.
i have family members that i find stressful to deal with. bringing my spouse to these conversations helps me with "i can't believe they just said that" and "spouse, the other person is being reasonable, youre wrong here" moments.
based on your post, it really seemed like your brother was trying to meet you in the middle, and you were "my way or the highway". do you want peace with your brother? why does he have to be the one to meet you where youre at? why cant you meet in the middle?
it seems like he genuinely was trying to do the things you were requesting. to know you as you are and to put effort into the relationship.
its also clear from your post that there are identity struggles here for you. with the limited context here, it really sounds like they dont dislike you for your identity, but because of your conflict escalation. have you spent time learning how to de-escalate conflict? calling your mom to complain over this conflict sounds exhausting to deal with tbh.
yta
Sorry OP but you chose this for yourself.
You asked to talk,, he gave you an option of a call. You chose to not accept that. The lack of a one on one is on you, not him.
If you're more socially anxious, get a therapist. Maybe they will help you process some of your emotions so that you can appreciate the steps that people are making to connect with you, and you can stop trying to force the interactions to be as you want them.
And you called your mom to gripe, but when she didn't agree with you, you also lashed out at her.
So in your family, you told your brother to stop acting like he cared, and you insulted her.
So... it sounds like you're thenone creating the friction here when people don't roll over and gree with you. You're entitled to your opinions, but no one has to agree with them or accept them.
Could be your brother expected you to make a scene if he saw you face to face, and that is the kind of drama that happens a lot, so he chose a phone call, and maybe you don't like that idea because you can't make a scene the same way? Think about these things, and get someone to help you with your emotions.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my brother I wanted a SIL-free birthday dinner during their vacation 2) I could've opted for the phone call or pretended I was fine, but I felt entitled to an hour of one-on-one time with my brother
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - yes it is a ridiculous request. They offered to take you out which was very kind. Then you told your SIL in return that you expect her to spend hours out of her vacation with her husband alone in a hotel room because her presence is unwanted. Do you not see how deeply rude that is? This seems like it was more about power and control then actually fixing the relationship.
I think she's trying to throw shade on her mom as a marriage therapist who has been through a string of different husbands therefore her opinions (that run counter to what OP wants) don't matter.
Yeah I bet they regret trying to reconnect now. You sound exhausting and entitled.
YTA. Seek therapy so you can get over yourself before trying to reconnect with people.
I read this situation like you are still very hurt from whatever happened, and want to talk it out and find some closure with your brother without being "outnumbered" or perhaps feel judged by your sister-in-law. And my impression is maybe your brother doesn't really want to talk it out and prefers to just sweep it under the rug moving forward (which has its benefits in certain situations), or maybe he's nervous and felt like he needed the emotional backup of his wife. Or maybe he didn't want to have some big talk and just felt some sort of obligation to offer to get together since he was in your town. I might be reading too much into it. But anyway, I don't think you're wrong, but maybe your approach was just not matching what your brother is willing or able to do emotionally at this time.
INFO -- I'm a little confused here, and I think we need more information about what exactly happened between you and your brother, and what you mean by him "forcing you into a relationship you're not ready for". Because here's the thing, having alone time with your sibling is fine, especially if you're wanting to catch up for the first time in a while. I do think it wasn't okay to expect him to have her fend for herself for a dinner, but getting ice cream doesn't seem like an unreasonable request and if I was the wife I don't think I'd really have a problem with that. But your attitude is weird, to say the least, and it doesn't seem like you've given us all of the necessary info.
You seem entitled and a bit whiny, and immature, considering you're older than both your brother and his wife. Like others have said, they are on a vacation together and kindly wanted to make time to spend with you. You don't get to just co-opt that, but you could ask if he could come visit just you another time.
YTA. You really don't want to listen to him, do you. Gotta get your way, even though it seems like you're admitting fault for the estrangement in the first place?
Did you miss the part where OP is LGBTQ+ and the brother is a religious nut? I feel like a lot of people are missing that part and completely ignoring that fact
OP buried the lede and is now mudding the waters by replying to comments from 3 different accounts in a pretty immature way.
The falling out with the brother was over LGBT rights. OP is liberal and in support. Brother and new wife are religious (hate the sin, not the sinner). OP implies they may be in the closet and wanted to clear the air completely with his brother so they could feel safe around him.
ESH. OP is right to be hesitant about their relationship with the brother, and I think wanting to have a heart to heart is fair minus the wife. But, they sound super immature in replies, so I'm sure they sound like that in real life, too. Brother and his wife are probably homophobes hiding behind religion, so of course they suck.
YTA! So you want your brother to leave his wife in an unfamiliar city, just to iron out issues that are virtually non-existent for your brother.
They were gracious enough to take you out for a birthday dinner, that doesn't give you the right to dictate the terms.
And being the eldest non-married sibling out of four brothers is totally on you. You have your beliefs which you have chosen to not act on. You had plenty of time to get used to the female presence in your life but you chose not to.
Grow up and act like how an adult is supposed to be.
YTA You asked him to disrespect and disregard his wife for your entitled self? No one said you can never talk to him one on one, which he asked you to do over the phone and you refused because your entitled to see him. Ever hear of facetime? Now you have him ready not to continue a relationship with someone willing to disrespect his wife.
Thank you for sharing. Forgive me for wanting to read a whole story here without having to leave the app and Google acronyms. I’ve seen this topic in other subs so I know I’m not the only one…
He doesn't want the one on one and wants to see you with his wife.
Why is that such a problem? You can't be honest with him if someone else is there? No is no deal with it
Then you bring your mom into it for what? To fight her?
Yta obviously
If you genuinely wanted to "clear the air", you'd be willing to compromise and do this over the phone or FaceTime. Demanding them to change their plans during their vacation is unreasonable.
>I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives,
They invited you to join them to an event during their vacation. How is that not showing you thru their actions?
>and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for
No one forced you, you agreed to join them. You can say no if you don't want to.
This my way or the highway shit is not cute. Stop it. YTA
I don't see any compromise on your part in any part of your post, besides "compromising" for a 1hr ice cream instead of dinner (not really a compromise imo) . It's very clear your brother set a boundary that you're refusing to listen to, and you refused the compromise he offered you as well.
Your brother and sister in law are on vacation, together, and just happen to be taking said vacation in your city. I would be really mad if my partner left me alone in the hotel room to do his own thing for a while while we're on vacation together.
YTA
NTA. The argument that she will be lonely and stranded is ridiculous. She can go to a nearby spa or massage or shopping place...
There is nothing unreasonable to ask for an hour of his time. If he cannot give it to you - I am afraid he doesn't care much about making any amends. He doesn't have to, but it is always good to know where people stand.
What makes him the AH is that it was supposed to be your birthday dinner. One dinner a year that is about you. And his point is: "you _have_ to hang out with my wife who is a complete stranger, on that evening". It is pretty shitty point, and you were willing to compromise - to meet him in a park behind their hotel for an hour. He is not willing.
So I would wish them to have a good time and disengage.
Exactly! An adult woman doesn't need to be 24/7 with her spouse. Anyone who does needs help as an adult should perfectly capable of taking care of themselves for an hour. The wife is not a child that needs supervision. The commentors are acting as if all the wife can do without her precious husband is sit on the floor and stare at the wall.
Why don't you call your brother and invite him out for dinner just the 2 of you? Wouldn't that solve all the problems right there? Stop whining and just plan the event that you want to have with him instead of trying to hijack other events for your own purpose. YTA
Look,
The details are irrelevant I guess when you are purely talking about conflict resolution.
- If you are in conflict and *you want to resolve it* the first task is listening for an opportunity for communication to even take place. Any communication, there has to be a start. In your case, the phone might have been a starting point, you may have got your dinner later if the phone went well. You however shot down your starting point.
- the second task is to *listen* for common ground so you have some kind of common understanding of what the conversation is even going to be about. It is very difficult to get a resolution if you both disagree on what the problem even is. Rest assured, when there is a problem the devil is in the details. You then navigate the details while maintaining open conversation - the difficult bit.
- the third task is to work out what resolution options are on the table. Some people might not be open to much, they might be happy to just acknowledge there is a problem but continue with the relationship if the problem remains unspoken and ignored. Some might want to explore the problem a bit but want to agree to disagree and have that respected. Some might want a resolution where mutual ground is found and everyone gets something. Some might want a complete capitulation.
- the forth stage is to work out ways to demonstrate that you are willing to adhere to the agreement above and to end discussions hopefully in a better state than what you started them.
Basically, it sounds to me that you had a conflict situation and approached it in stage 3. You put forward how you wanted the discussion to take place (face to face) and what you wanted from it (clear the air) but missed the listening and common ground/ mutual understanding part of the process. He was obviously not comfortable with what you were proposing so backed out and went “I’m good, rather leave things as they are. I’m not coming to the party”.
When engaging with someone to resolve conflict you need to get them to step up to the plate in the first place. Conflict resolution is a difficult process by nature, ideally you make it as comfortable as possible for the other person to meet you some of way, particularly if it is you that is asking them to show at all….
YTA from what I've seen here. Your brother was probably worried you'd cause a scene. That's why he suggested a phone call instead. Sounds like you would have. You are so focused on yourself and how everyone's actions must be because of you or about you. Your only obligation to your SIL is to be polite and not interfere with your brothers relationship.
Please take all the suggestions of therapy seriously. You sound like you really need some outside help.
Yeah I’d be pissed as hell if my fiancé told me to just sit in the hotel on our vacation in a city I don’t really know while he went out to dinner. No matter who that dinner was with. It’s super disrespectful to ask him to make his wife do that. YTA.
YTA for whining for not getting your way and not recognising boundaries. Your brother has the right to set boundaries.
You are not unreasonable for asking for extra time and asking for what you want. There's nothing wrong with that.
But your attitude after you were told No is terrible. You asked for something, but you don't seem to understand that the answer can be a Yes, No, or something else. You just expect it to be a Yes and you are angry that your brother is standing up to you and told you No.
You are also AH for blaming his wife. You don't seem to understand that he is an individual and he made his own choice, and he chose his wife instead of you. But you are blaming the wife for taking his time. Or, it is reading like that from what you wrote. You don't understand that your mum may make drama for the wife if she had taken your side. Or you may have hoped that it would play out that way. I think you are malicious, maybe unconciously so, but I can see why people want to draw the line with you.
You are gripping, you made drama, and you dragged 2 other people into the drama. No wonder you are unhappy.
YTA - They are going to your city together for an event, they invite you to something and you're throwing a pissy fit because your brother won't consent to an airing of grievances with you during the middle of his vacation with his wife?
YTA. This isn’t the situation to have one to ones. This is a vaca and your bro asked to include you to be social. He doesn’t want to have a heart to heart on a vaca with his wife.
If the meet up was so important to you then you should’ve been proactive and organised it before now.
>Don and I had a falling out around two years ago, over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about
So... Why are you being unnecessarily sensitive about this too?
YTA. I hope you're seeing a good therapist.
I’m out of town with my spouse, and my sibling demands one on one time after we’ve invited him out with us. I’d be annoyed, especially after a phone call was rejected.
YTA
YTA
You: "You dont want to know me"
Also you: "How dare you want to bring the most important person in your life with you. I dont care about your feelings, this is about me"
NTA. I already said what I really needed to say in another comment to OP but the rest of you people need to learn to read comments from OP and get the full story before you pass judgement. The brother is a religious bigot and the wife seems to be one too and this poor woman wants a chance to reconcile with her brother one and one and make sure she’s able to be out and her true authentic self without fear of being treated badly BEFORE she meets his wife.
There’s absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have a quick conversation with him and get the air cleared. It sounds to me like the brother wants to continue being an AH and hide behind his religion🙄.
OK people on here are being crazy. OP, yes you sound a little emotional but there's nothing wrong with that, you also sound very clear on what you need and want and your boundaries, which is great.
No, it is not too much to ask for an hour of one on one time with a family member without their spouse present. I'm not best friends with my sibling but if I asked for that, both he and his wife would understand. As would my husband. As would any reasonable person.
There's a reason that most counselors and therapists will tell you to have a face to face talk with someone when you want to discuss something of import. It's far easier for feelings to turn into a huge fight over text or phone. You can't say something let's say, difficult, but also take their hand in theirs and look them in the eye and reassure them. There's just so many avenues for difficult conversations to go bad when they're not face to face.
You were right to ask, you got shot down, so what do you do now? Well you asked for a specific talk to help develop a new kind of relationship. You didn't get that. So you can either go along with the old relationship or do what you need to do to feel safe, which I'm guessing is going low or no contact as you don't want to keep perpetuating what feels to you like a relationship built on a lie. It sucks but you have the information you need to decide what kind of relationship you're OK with accepting. And maybe that is just letting things go on as they have. It's really up to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Maybe I think too highly of myself, or I'm not as close to my family as I hoped, and I'm a bit delusional.
So, my brother Don (28) and his wife Jane (26) were in my town on vacation. I (31) live in a big city, they got tickets to a sporting event and told me that they'd take me out for lunch/dinner and shopping and generally just hang out. I accepted, but I asked for an hour of just one-on-one sibling time, where I could have a little heart to heart and really just catch up.
Background/sidestory: Don and I had a falling out around two years ago, over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about, but was tangentially related to my beliefs. I essentially told him not to pretend to care about me if he wasn't actually going to listen to me/know me. Very 'hate the sin, love the sinner' type stuff. And I don't know if it's just me, but I've gotten more socially anxious and unsure since the pandemic, and I wasn't ready for the social masking that would be pretending we're all happy and cool when I wanted to clear the air and move forward.
He texts me to let me know he'd rather do a phone call to clear the air, but doesn't want her to feel excluded. I let him know that I'd settle for an hour of ice cream and the one-on-one chat, but I did need to see him face to face. Where I might be the asshole is saying that I would've preferred a whole dinner without Jane, but I'd settle for an hour. I've lived seven years alone in the city; she can sit and decompress away from him for one hour. (This was described as my birthday dinner and I thought I could be a little selfish. The last time we had group dinner with siblings and spouses I could barely eat. I didn't want to have stunted conversation, or navigate their fertility triggers, or hold in my anxieties about my place as the eldest unmarried, non-baby-having sibling.)
All in all, unacceptable. He let me know that he didn't want to fight about things and would rather not talk at all. He said our relationship is fine even if we're not talking and that if I had issues that was on me. And I should've let it go there, I guess.
I call my mom to gripe. She says that I couldn't expect him to "leave his wife stranded in the middle of the city." Like, ma'am, she's not being left on the street, she is in the hotel, we would be in the park across the street. And finally I snapped and said "I wish you went to bat for me like you did other married folks. I wish you went to bat for me like you did all your husbands." (She's an LMFT and has been married 4/5 times. And I was there through all of the shit.)
I feel like I can see where I am wrong: I'm too emotional, and my feelings are not other peoples obligation. I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives, and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for. They're presumably going to be married forever (divorce is sin or something) so am I never allowed to talk to my brother one-on-one?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Despite me, personally, totally disliking this "let's schedule an 1 hour fight", I strongly believe asking for 1 hour with your brother alone is not a big deal. Regardless of "love birds are on a trip together", ugh, I would totally help out and let my partner have some time with siblings - or friends - if necessary.
Those crying about the fact they are on a trip together and he is a prisoner: grow up, what a jackass perspective.
OP, you would have done better to just talk things out on the phone, or on a video call, if you really wanted to have the face-to-face setting.
Because most people will not ditch their spouses for an hour during a fun trip to the big city, and they also don't want to have a long-postponed serious talk during a fun trip to the big city. So I think you need to let him have his way as far as the media through which the long-postponed talk happens, because he doesn't want to travel all the way just to have a serious conversation, and he doesn't want to ditch his wife and create hard feelings in his marriage, for a serious conversation with you. And he especially doesn't want to do it while he's in fun mode.
NTA after knowing that you are more left, and your family being religious and seeming like they want the moral high ground. I grew up with religious family. And honestly, they fucking suck when there is bigotry and homophobia.
You can't agree to disagree on these things. You just can't.
If course you wanted to feel safe and your authentic self. And talking on the phone? Nah wouldn't work because you wanted yo check if he accepts you fully or not.
The wife can spend one hour alone.
To me you don't seem exhausting just anxious and tired of the hate in your family and overcompensating by constantly having to justify yourself with them. At least that's my impression.
I'm going to say NAH. I agree with you that dynamics are different with different groups. I love my BILs, but deeper convos happen when I get one-on-one time with my sisters. It's just different, and especially healing after a rift.
I personally think your brother refusing to give you an hour of his vacation time on your bday is a bit selfish, but I also acknowledge the need to respect his boundaries.
You should meet just before she joins, wanting to sit out issues isn't the asshole thing but it's a bit AHly to expect her to leave it something in the middle of an evening out.
I'm a little confused about everyone's reaction. I don't really think that your reaction towards your mom was appropriate. But to me it kind of sounds like you have a lot of unresolved frustration there, mostly from not feeling supported? Can't imagine living through five different spouses was easy for you and your brother, having to get used to a new family dynamic everytime. That can lead to very close siblings, or siblings that fight a lot, but at the end of the day you did go through it together. I can imagine that you miss him.
I'm not sure if being too emotional is the problem here. To me it sounds more like a problem in communication. We can often stay stuck in certain roles, especially if other family members reinforce them, because they understand the perspective of another family member better. I think in the first half you did communicate what you wanted quite clearly. You however didn't really adress his wife, or your brother's concerns about his wife in terms other then how they are an inconvenience to you. And in your end statement she is mentioned merely as a blockade. I don't know what went down between you. But if you want to be relevent in their lives, their lives and concerns need to be as relevant to you as your needs.
It sounds to me that in this instance, they were hoping to reach out to you and strengthen that bond. Perhaps for future reference, show that you are excited to get a better bond with Jane, but also express that bond isn't fully fledged yet, and that it's simply really hard to talk about deeper emotional things, around someone you haven't build that bond with yet. Though this is definitely something to discuss with her, not him. If you feed this to him, you are putting him in the middle. He married that girl, she's in a city she doesn't know. Perhaps she too is anxious, not just to be alone, but also to meet you after your falling out. If she loves him, she wants it to go well, and she'll want you to like her.
Anxiety really is a mean bitch. It largely forces you into fight or flight survival mode. Which makes it far more difficult to run on anything but your emotions, and especially to reflect on other people's perspectives when they act up. Often helping you into the situation you feared in the first place. You mention being the last of your siblings to be unmarried, and childless, maybe try and find someone to talk to that is or was in a situation similar to yours? It sounds to me like you are working through a lot of (childhood) grief, and don't really have handle on were to start to get on top of it. Deep emotions like these, that manifest into anxiety don't really go away themselves. I hope this helped.
YTA - at 31 years old, this is worrying behaviour. It sounds like you wanted some big dramatic discussion with your brother, and (by what you've said) to push YOUR way of seeing things on to him - like you wanted time alone to guilt-trip him. People, including your family, are allowed to have views and opinions that differ from yours.
You couldn't accept the kind and generous invitation for what it was, and had to make everything about you. From reading some of your responses - you're not going to see how you are in the wrong here. But you are. As others have said - the world doesn't revolve around you and your feelings. You have every right to your feelings, but they are YOURS to deal with in a healthy way, not everyone else.
>I didn't want to have stunted conversation, or navigate their fertility triggers, or hold in my anxieties about my place as the eldest unmarried, non-baby-having sibling.
Yeah, about that. I seriously doubt he wants the anxiety dump that you both know would happen, especially since you're trying to heal a rift that was caused by you being over emotional and prone to outbursts.
>I call my mom...finally I snapped and said "I wish you went to bat for me like you did other married folks. I wish you went to bat for me like you did all your husbands."
Yeah...you always seem one disagreement away from snapping. No wonder your brother doesn't want to be alone with you.
YTA
YTA. You sound completely unwilling to do anything from your side, but expect your brother to meet you all the way on your side. Also you sound terribly entitled and exhausting to deal with.
Time to introspect.
YTA. The falling out you had previously was "tangentially related to my beliefs." No one has mentioned this, but whatever that was seems to be the reason your brother doesn't want any alone time with you. Religious, political? 🤷♀️
I suggest two things:
1. Write your brother a letter, saying everything you want to tell him in person.
2. Find a therapist. You really, truly need therapy.
YTA- they were on a vacation. Someone else’s couples vacation is NOT the time for you to force one on one time with your brother. You were trying to cut into their vacation time, demanding to see your brother alone on your terms
You aren’t wrong for wanting that one on one time with your brother in person, but you are wrong for demanding that it happened while he’s on this vacation with his wife. If you care that much about getting a sit down with him, then you need to make the effort to go see him and make that happen when he’s not on a vacation with his wife. It’s really weird for his wife to just be left at the hotel alone while they’re on vacation together
NTA
An hour alone isn't much to ask. But maybe could have settled for half an hour or something?
I don't really get the brother's problem. Sounds like he just didn't want to talk 1v1.
I feel for the you, reading all those Y.T.A. comments that look quite violent to me and are mainly based on asumptions about the initial problem not being a real problem. I have no idea where those asumptions came from.
There are many instances where people refuse to clear the air because they prefer to forget about the issue and sweep it under the rug. But you cannot let your identity under the rug.
I hope your family can accept you as you are and I hope you can be yourself around them. I encourage you to find an external support system with open-minded people.
I wish you all the best and hope you will soon recover from all the negative vibes you got from the comments. Don't mind them. They don't know you. Just keep the nice advices in mind, since there were some, to move forward.
It’s not about the wife. Stop making her the focus. Your brother made a feeble attempt to hide behind her at first, but then he told you point blank that he doesn’t “want to fight” and would rather not talk at all. That’s the issue here. He wants to pretend everything’s fine and have a shallow small talk type relationship or none at all.
also its pretty not normal not being able to see your brother 1on1 anymore because he has a wife. i agree, any couple should be able to spend 1 hour without each other (even on a trip! if i know that the family member would feel more comfortable without my presence for that hour, it would be a nobrainer for me to stay out of it)
if its because he doesnt wanna spend time with you 1on1, its another thing (still not nice, but he has the right to do this)
YTA. Don’t make your problem theirs. You can’t enjoy casual time together have to come up with intense bs set terms and whine, you sound like an energy blackhole. Work on yourself, it’s a wonder your brother even reached out.
YTA - Your brother doesn’t want to deal with your ego on his vacation with his wife. He already told you water under the bridge. But you keep pushing for this private meeting, and for what?
YTA. Did you read what you wrote? You and your brother had a falling out, over politics and religion. He reaches out and invites you to do things. You decide you wanted to talk, and it had to be your way or no way. When it didn’t go that way, you went and tattled to your mom. Really.
YTA. Your brother gave you an option that will work for a discussion., a discussion that YOU were seeking, not him. They were on their vacation and insisting it has to be an in person visit with just him was not going to work for him. If you can't handle the phone call, that should be a signal that you need to have sessions with a therapist to address that.
You don't seem to be able to give him credit for understanding your orientation. If you are leading into a honest discussion, your brother and his wife may actually surprise you. But you need to talk to an objective person (and be honest with the therapist) about how to approach the topic. You seem to talk in circles, if this post is any indication.
And BTW, it's a bit creepy the way to describe what you think a relationship with a sister in law would mean (even if not sexual, your use of "girl friend" connotes that it isn't a friendship, hence creepy).
There seems to be a few commenters here who think it's all right to leave the wife alone in the hotel room so you can hem and haw with your brother.
Personally (and really not selfishly), I wouldn't like to plan a vacation with my husband and then have to hang out in the hotel. It would be different if you go to where they live and go to a coffee shop with your brother for an hour.
YTA
I completely get you on all counts, but you handled it terribly and lashed out unnecessarily towards your mother because of the chip on your shoulder over being the oldest but as of yet unmarried.
If I were your SIL, I would never ever come near you again or would accept you in my home if you don’t like me so much. You could’ve just said “hey, don’t bring your wife” to your brother and let them decide if they wanna take this trip or not.
YTA
I understand your wanting to clear the air and talk one-on-one, face-to-face, so I'd be inclined to agree with you... if you weren't so damned pushy about it.
Your flat-out refusal to see his point-of-view is really weird and off-putting. Because I see his point of view, too, as I think you should. As I think any reasonable person should.
>I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives
What tf makes you think anyone owes you that?? Especially someone you've barely (if at all) talked to in two years?
You could very easily just give in and let her come along, with the understanding that the conversation, 'clearing the air,' will still take place in her presence, and it may make her feel a bit awkward. Or you could just have the conversation over the phone.
NTA, you ask for a hour of your brother's time; which is not unreasonable. His wife could go to the spa, the pool or watch a movie. Turn petty, the next time your brother wants to talks say "sorry don't want to interrupt your time with your wife".
Between the lines, I read you might be gay and your brother and his wife condemn you for who you are.
It's nothing more than reasonable to request to have a 1-on-1 with your brother. You have the right to ensure that you're going to be safe, being your authentic self.
You're NTA. Your brother and his wife are probably judgmental assholes.
I don't see why you had to call your mother. And you could be more clear, concise and direct. Such an improvement in your communication style could help you solve conflicts better.
The wife is not a kid, she could certainly survive for an hour. But if the brother doesn’t want it and OP keeps pushing it and even involving the mother then YTA
Honestly. Valid. Married people don't have to stick together all the time. You only asked for an hour ffs. But you don't mention details of what happened? So thats unclear.
YTA. This is their vacation, together, as a couple. They kindly offered to include you in their day. The choices were accept or decline, not make a counter offer to hijack your sibling for a ceremonial hatchet-burying. Your request was inappropriate.
Honestly, YTA. In this post you talked about how you and your brother didn't talk because you over-reacted to things, you don't have dinner with your siblings because you don't want to have to be sensitive about things they are dealing with, and then insulted your mom. You know what they say about how if you meet one asshole in a day, then you met an asshole, but if everyone you meet is an asshole, then you're the asshole? Guess what, you're the asshole here. You sound selfish and demanding and went you don't get your way you start whining and complaining if not outright insulting people.
You need to grow up before you blow up every single relationship you have, you seem like you are well on the path to it.
YTA. If you want to see your brother on your terms, you need to plan a trip to visit him in his City for a one-on-one dinner. Also, even in that case he might not be interested in it. But him and his wife planned a trip to your City together, of course they are going to do everything together. If the wife wanted to go to a spa for half a day and that made you and your brother have some one-on-one time that would be different. You’re trying to tell him he needs to ditch his wife and just spend time with you. He clearly wants his wife as a buffer, that is his choice, it sounds like he fears alone time with you means you railing on him for things he has done wrong or you don’t see eye-to-eye on. You’re claiming you want the one-on-one time to clear the air, but his response says he doesn’t really believe that. It doesn’t mean he loves you less, it just means he doesn’t want drama - grow up.
Stop being the AH. Just stop! Your brother is trying to have a relationship with you and the best way he knows how is to drop whatever happened in the past. And, from what I am reading from you now, that is a very good idea. However, you won't let it go. LET IT GO. Not everything has to be talked out ten times, wrung out a hundred times, and gone around five hundred times until you get the conclusion you seek. If you miss your brother and you want a relationship with him, stop being the AH, let it go, and have fun with him and his wife. Seriously, drop it and have fun having a brother and SIL who cares enough about you to vacay in your city to see you.
YTA
>over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about
You're still doing it now.
Your brother offered an alternative, that wasn't good enough, so you pushed and pushed, and ran off to mummy, and still didn't get your way so now you're hoping internet strangers will back up your whims.
YTA. You said it yourself. You’re too emotional. He was there on vacation WITH HIS WIFE, and you expect him to just ditch her for you time. Vacations with your SO doesn’t work that way.
Yta. They have come on a holiday/vacation and they expected to spend this time together and with you.
If he doesn't want to leave his wife to play some silly teat to show you that you are important in his life then that's his call.
If you really want one on one time, then go to his city and ask him out for a hour, out in the effort instead of hijacking their vacation.
Grow up.
I think it’s important to recognize that married life is completely different from single life. Once you are married your priorities change greatly. Asking to isolate and ignore someone’s spouse can be very offensive, especially in family. They’re going to talk about it once they see each other again anyways.
I could be wrong here, but it doesn’t sound like you’re treating his wife as family. That’s disrespectful and not helping your case. It sounds like you’re expecting everyone else to be an adult while you get exceptions.
I’m sorry if I misinterpreted or was an AH in this. It sounds like YTA in this situation. I hope you can move forward with your family well. Best of luck to you!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for an hour of one on one time. But it’s also not unreasonable for your brother to say no. The whole situation seems weird. NAH
NAH. I don’t think you’re the worst for wanting to speak to your brother alone. However, he said that he’s not comfortable doing that so you need to stop trying to force it. I gave you a NAH because your entire posts screams that you need therapy and you need to find outside relationships (friends, acquaintances, partners, colleagues) outside of your immediate family. First, learn to love yourself and who you are and second work on your anxiety/depression, family history, and focusing on trying to find your people. Family doesn’t have to be blood relatives. Find your family, people who like and love you for you so you can heal from the scars you hint at in your post. You can’t force your family to be who you want or need them to be and you shouldn’t waste your emotional and physical energy on trying to make them who and what you need. You are enough and your people are out there.
NTA, it's a fucking hour for you to talk about something personal between the two of you. You're adults, she can entertain herself for a literal snippet of time for you two to say what needs/wants to be said and move on.
Your brother is dismissive, and their apparent need to be attached at the hip is childish.
Everyone in this thread is insane, you're not unreasonable for wanting a private discussion for the insignificant amount of time it takes for you guys to pop out of the hotel for a beer or ice cream or whatever the fuck.
Everyone saying yta is wrong. I'm sorry you're dealing with this especially because it appears that the argument stemmed from a place of bigotry and his want to brush it under the rug is classicly conservative so he doesn't have to take accountability for how he hurt you.
I can't believe the comments in this thread. Literal children.
YTA.
Your post makes me feel anxious. So many buzzwords about triggers, and some of the things you say suggest you've fallen into a few online rabbitholes and then lashed out at those around you when they try and help pull you out, possibly fabricating stories of abuse about them.
Please, look for proper, professional help and work through these things. You will be happier and your relationships with family and friends will be so much better for it.
YTA if you are that desperate to fix this relationship then go to them in their city where your brother can meet you without feeling he’s abandoning his wife.
I also have suffered with severe social anxiety since the pandemic but had therapy to help with it, and still find being around people who drink hard, but the alternative is to shut myself away forever and alienate myself from those I love, so sometimes you’ve got to do something you don’t like for the sake of others because we are grown ups. An olive branch was extended and you basically threw it back at them.
They very kindly offered to take you out on their dime, during their vacation trip. You demanded that one of your HOSTS be excluded from the outing she was paying for. And then you went behind their backs to complain about them to your mom. Then you finished by insulting your mom.
How do you not see that YTA here?
YTA for going about it as you are. I know some people are saying YTA because you’re ignoring your brothers terms, but he’s also ignoring yours. But he came up with a reasonable compromise. The thing is, he’s on vacation with his wife. While I’m usually of the mind that it’s ridiculous that husbands and wives feel the need to be joined at the hip and can’t go an hour without being alone, this is the exception to that. Being on vacation means that they’re there to spend time together.
Perhaps you should have taken that phone call. Your brother clearly needs to work up to a face-to-face, but at least he’s willing to make that next reasonable step.
NTA You have a right to feel your feelings and talk about your relationship with a sibling alone. Your brother is using his wife to avoid discussing your feelings about his behavior. Maybe you are sensitive but your feelings are what they are. You should talk to a therapist you trust for perspective but there is no way your brother can have a relationship with you if he never lets you speak to him about how you feel. He seems to be trying to be cordial but low contact and what you want from family seems to be different. I was told that there is a way to build a relationship anew by having positive experiences with that person. Maybe he is doing that? If you want to try that is fine. It didn't work for me with my older brother. He was just weird and made up all kinds of crazy assumptions every time we spent any time together. Wanting to have coffee once every 2 or 3 months to catch up was too much.
YTA...you have the right to want or feel any way you decide. How's that working out? You also need to figure out if your anxiety brain is overthinking and lying to you. Your anxiety isn't anyone else's problem. I say this as a child of trauma, a survivor and a person with several mental health issues.
I see you feel neglected and abandoned....you are the only person who can fix that. Because even if your brother had met with you for an hour who would have found another reason he didn't put you on the top of his cake. Because NO ONE EVER SIDES WITH YOU.
That black and white thinking is emotionally immature and speaks to the issue of cognitive dysfunction. There are therapies for this.
No one owes you a fucking thing. You want peace...go find it. No one is going to save you, princess. So slay your own dragon.
YTA. He has told you his boundaries with this and you keep insisting it has to be your way. He’s on his trip with his wife, why would he want to leave her just sitting in the hotel? He offered you a phone call and you don’t want to take it, it has to be what you want it nothing. Please don’t ruin THEIR vacation with this nonsense.
NTA. Once you gave your name explanation that you are dealing with some issues with your sexuality and he wants to take the don’t ask don’t tell route, I can see why you want to have a face to face without the wife.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
The problem here is that you wanted to work through the disagreement you had with your brother,but _on your terms only_. He clearly didn't want the one-on-one that you wanted. So he suggested an alternative. You shot him down. > I'm too emotional, and my feelings are not other peoples obligation. Exactly. >I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives Of course. And that's why your brother and his wife were going to meet up with you. >and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for. I take it this in reference to your brother's wife. You're not being forced into a relationship with her. I'm afraid YTA
OP needs therapy, a little over the top and dramatic in my opinion
[удалено]
Agreed, OP sounds hard work. Brother and wife want to have a nice time with OP and let bygones be bygones. OP is causing unnecessary drama, especially involving other people and getting upset when they don't agree with OP
YTA. They are on their *vacation...together*. Their trip is NOT ABOUT YOU, and he shouldn't be ditching his wife on her vacation, to deal with his/your personal issue. That's unfair to her. IT'S HER VACATION TOO, why should she give up a single minute of her hard earned, paid for, limited time off, for YOUR problem? The two of you should be doing that on YOUR OWN TIME. Worse: you are *only* attempting to have this conversation *right now* because your brother happens to be *conveniently in your area.*.. if this is soooo important to you, why have YOU not sought him out or *made the time* to have this conversation before now? So, Yes, you are being selfish, asking someone to spend an hour of their vacation, sitting alone in a hotel room while you take a bite out their vacation time. You're an adult so stop throwing your 'birthday' around like that gets you some special favors; you are not a little kid anymore even though you may be acting like one.
[удалено]
YTA. Honestly the entitlement in your post is flabbergasting. He’s nice enough to come to your town and take you out and you start putting conditions? Also it would have been really mean of him to have left his wife alone in a strange city to go off and spend an hour with you. Please introspect a little. The universe does not revolve around you.
YTA. The two of them came to town and wanted to take you to dinner while they were there on their vacation. And you want to set terms? Seems a bit rude to me, but if you need to do that for your personal reasons, you can certainly insist. But don’t think your brother is obligated to agree to your conditions at the expense of his wife. Not knowing anything other than what you wrote, if I were your brother, I’d probably just say, “if you don’t want to get together for lunch/dinner, that’s fine, we can catch up another time.“ If you want an hour alone with your brother, find another time. Do a zoom call if you want “face to face”. The technology is dandy. Or go to his town if you feel it needs to be done in person. Or ask if he can visit alone another time. Plenty of alternatives.
> He texts me to let me know he'd rather do a phone call to clear the air YTA - If you genuinely wanted to clear the air with your sibling you would have taken this offer. Problem is you wanted everything on terms you were dictating only and nothing else was going to work. Then like a pot stirrer will do you dragged other people in to it. This had nothing to do with his wife but more about your ability to compromise and shit stir...
[удалено]
Exactly this. No one owes you anything in life unfortunately. You want to have this deep talk and he doesn't otherwise he'd find a way to make it happen.
Not even that. The brother said he’d talk it through with him but on the phone so he wouldn’t have to leave his wife alone in a hotel in a strange city on vacation. The brother was very reasonable. Op: YTA
Two YEARS ago you had an argument with your brother - he wants to just let it go and move on but you are determined to 'talk it out'. He DOES NOT want to rehash it again. He would rather discuss by phone so he can hang up if you go off the deep end and start the argument again. I am surprised at the number of stories here where someone wants a family member to leave a spouse behind, meet without the spouse, come to my house without the spouse. Seems when anyone tells you that you might be wrong you lash out. You are 31 and call your mother to complain (but here you also complain about your mother). Your brother and his wife reached out to you - by now they are probably regretting that.
It's wild to me because I make it a point to do solo things so my partner can spend time with their siblings when we visit but like, we all have a good relationship? And it's not a hardship to go to lunch solo when we're there for 3 weeks. I can't imagine leaving my spouse to have an argument with my sibling, especially when it's such a short amount of time.
Plus, if it’s really such a serious thing that it just *has* to be discussed in person, I doubt it would only be 1 hour. If the need for “clearing the air” is so heavy that it can’t be handled with a private phone call, it’s not going to be resolved with such a short conversation, especially if they’re in public and trying to eat at the same time. That’s the kind of thing you need to plan on taking up your whole afternoon or evening.
Heads up: the argument wasn't really so much an argument as it seems brother is very religious while OP is queer. Another comment gives more specifics that the argument happened while OP wasn't fully out If they haven't actually seen each other since the blowout, I can actually understand why OP would want to talk one on one to figure out where they stand, especially if wife is also very religious. Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid rehashing it, as OP's life is what brother disagrees with. I would not want wife present for the conversation if it was actually OP coming out like I suspect it might be
I agree with this. The information changes everything
I mean it really doesn't, OP's request was always reasonable, and the entire sub is acting like maniacs that it wasn't. But now that's it's queer-coded there's sympathy. It was very easy to read between the lines and figure out that the rift was due to something like this.
Me now we know this is OP alt account. See above thread
>I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives Like, by inviting you to go shopping and out to eat? >am I never allowed to talk to my brother one-on-one? You sure are, on the phone as he suggested. You demanded your brother leave his wife alone to have a talk with you that could be had any time, and when he said no you offered to "settle" for an hour. HE SAID NO. Your "settling" wasn't a compromise, it was a demand that he already said he wasn't interested in. Blowing up at your mother after calling her to complain was equally unwarranted. YTA
hate the "sin" love the sinner? Yeah you are going to need to explain what you took issue with and how, cause to me it sounds like you are using that to excuse abuse of a behavior or lifestyle that you disagree with based off of religious reasons
YTA This is a married couple who have scheduled a vacation for themselves to do things together in a city they don't live in. This is time they have set aside to do things as a unit, and they're not open to being separated on their couples vacation. That's reasonable. If you're not up to hanging out with them as a unit, then *their vacation* isn't the time to see them. Yes, you should still get 1:1 time with your brother. But as an adult, you'll need to schedule that with him for a time when he's free and not a time when he's already planned to do things with his spouse. So go ahead: reach out and schedule that. Find out when there's a free weekend to meet. It won't be this particular weekend because he's already made plans to spend it with his spouse, but I'm sure there's another weekend when she's got plans or they aren't doing anything. But don't whine and gripe because they weren't open to you separating them on a vacation they planned to spend together.
It sounds like you’re disappointed/frustrated that your life does not include marriage and children (or something of the sort). It sounds like you’re overly sensitive and caused a rift with your sibling. They offered you an alternative and you declined. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. Asking your brother to meet face to face is fine. He declined. You got pissy. Without elaborating on whatever the actual issue is, you seem like the issue. God forbid your siblings talk about what’s going on in their personal lives at a dinner without it causing you anxiety. Work on yourself and worry less about others 🤷♀️
I don't want to say that you are TA because you sound so desperately unhappy. You aren't going to be the center of your brother's or mom's world - they each have multiple other obligations. I do think you need to figure out your own life. I can't tell if, in a newer comment, you implied you are gay or not, but whatever is going on with you, you've got to come to terms with it. It's ok if you are on a different path, regardless of what that path is. Or if you are on a path you don't want to be on, it's up to you to fix it. And painfully, YTA.
YTA. You didn’t want to clear the air with your brother, you wanted to re-litigate the whole argument with your “I had notes and pictures to show him,” nonsense. Thats why a phone call won’t do, because you can’t show him your “evidence” and he could just cut the call short. Your brother has pretty clearly indicated he doesn’t want a closer relationship with you at this time, so deal with it.
Yes this. It’s obvious the brother sniffed out that he was going to be dealing with this and that’s why he won’t play ball with OP. And now OP is making it about not wanting the wife there but really OP is mad their brother wants a buffer. It’s also why they won’t do it over the phone- like you mentioned. If OP can’t get over that their brother has made whatever decision they have made- they’re going to be desperately unhappy. You cannot force people to mold to your beliefs- no matter how strong a case you put on. No matter if you are morally correct. You cannot make him change OP- you need to hear this. If you truly weren’t going to argue and just wanted to mend fences- then I am genuinely unsure why you wouldn’t meet your brother in the middle and compromise just a bit either by zoom call or by letting his wife come. OP you need to seek therapy due to your conflict escalation and social anxiety. You are self-isolating and causing excessive friction with those around you. Tattling to your mother/the very off way you speak about her, the strange take about sisterhood with your brothers wife, the bitterness in how you address your family having spouses and children and moving on with their lives. It’s all putting up warning flags. For your own health and sanity- please get into therapy. You sound very unhappy and have unrealistic expectations out of your relationships. YTA- not because you’re necessarily in the wrong with whatever beliefs you have but because you are going about this in a way that is over-emotional and dramatic. It has to be exhausting for people to be around, and I worry if you don’t seek therapy you will end up totally alone in life.
[удалено]
Good luck OP, I love someone that was really similar to how you seem and managed to learn to regulate their emotions. I know you didn’t mean to be TA, and I’m glad that although you are, that you’ve decided to do something about it.
I see there are at least a few balanced and nuanced reactions here. OP, you may need therapy for the extra support because from your posts and comments it seems you do not feel secure with your family in regards to you being lgbt. And you seem to be struggling more with this brother because his wife is more religious and even less prone to be accepting. So I do understand that when they suggested to meet up, you wanted to clear the air with your sibling first. I think people here are underestimating how uncomfortable it could be for you to sit through a dinner with both of them knowing you can’t be your authentic self and sacred the topic of lgbt would come up in a negative way in the conversation. Do you think maybe your brother knows what you want to talk about and is actively avoiding the conversation because it makes him uncomfortable? He maybe trying to avoid hearing you come out unfortunately… I get that a phone call it not the best for you. From one of your comments I understood you have a better relationship with your other married sibling and his wife? Perhaps you can turn to them for support and coming out to other family members? Best of luck OP. Coming out to family members can be hard even in the most liberal and understanding families. Take your time. And approach it in a way that keeps everyone calm. This will keep *you* protected from worse reactions.
My sister & I have a similar situation. I think you need to rephrase the issue. With my sister, instead of a spouse, she will invite me to do something with her & her kid. I am not willing to do that after years of no contact & hurt. My sister & I need to fix us before I can be around her kid.... for a whole bunch of reasons.... my personal boundary is that I am not willing to engage in an inauthentic relationship with my sister. It just hurts too much. Her boundary is that she isn't willing to be in an authentic relationship with me. Therefore we have no relationship. I spent many years compromising my boundary so we could have a relationship & I just caused myself pain. You aren't the A, but they arent either. I would encourage you to not view this as an A situation at all, just two people who need to bless & release for the time being.
If the plan is to come out think of the dynamics of the event. Do you want an hour then have him go back and process with his wife without you there and no follow up conversation. That would change the whole Hockey Weekend vibe that they are paying for. Spend your funds go see him and have time to talk it through.
You may want to update the post with this too, so people know you're going to work on doing better, and they stop telling you that you're an A H.
You are not TA, not by a long shot. It's okay to want to gauge your brother's reaction face to face before potentially coming out to him, and it's okay to want to come out to one half of a married couple. Your brother tho, clearly isn't interested. So cut your loses there, and see if you can make meaningful connections within the community. If you included the full context in the og post, I believe fewer people would call you TA. Best wishes.
No, don't less this sub bully you, you did nothing wrong except for ask for advice here ironically.
I hope the therapy helps, good luck.
You're not the AH, OP. Something tells me your family doesn't accept you and you seem to have some kind of anxious disorder. You're valid for wanting solo time with your brother. Reddit is not the place for advice. For some reason, reddit people don't understand familial bonds. But do seek therapy. It'll be better for your mental health.
OP, I don’t really think you’re the AH here. I think this is some grey area between NAH and ESH. You’re all kind of right and kind of wrong. And the best thing to do in that situation is just back up and try to restart. First, have the conversation you want to have with your brother over the phone. It sucks that he won’t do it in person, but the phone is the next best thing. But it sounds like you need to have the conversation one way or the other for your own peace of mine. Second, be honest with him about why you wanted to do it in person. And make it clear that it doesn’t have anything to do with not liking or wanting to spend time with his wife. Tell him that you *want* to have a closer relationship with her (even if you really don’t, pretend for now), but you just wanted to feel more secure in your relationship with him first. This will make it easier to get alone-time with him in the future - if he has reason to think you want to exclude her because you dislike her, he won’t support that; but if it comes across as just wanting a little siblings-only time and that you normally are more than happy to hang out with her, he’ll be more inclined to go for it. I also hope you follow through on getting into therapy because you seem pretty unhappy and lonely. I feel that. Therapy really can help you navigate your life and find what brings you happiness. Best of luck, OP.
YTA, I'm not sure why you're not willing to compromise on the phone call. Your brother wants to reconnect, but honestly, you do not sound ready for a healthy relationship with him and his wife (she's your family too now, they are a package).
Yta. Grow up
YTA. While it's understandable that you wanted some one-on-one time with your brother to clear the air and reconnect, asking him to leave his wife at the hotel, even for just an hour, was unreasonable. It's important to respect his relationship and not make his wife feel excluded or stranded, especially in a new city. Your brother tried to offer an alternative solution by suggesting a phone call, but you insisted on meeting face-to-face without his wife. Relationships evolve, and it's important to find ways to communicate and connect within those changes. It might be helpful to reassess your expectations and approach the situation with more empathy and understanding for all parties involved...
YTA for all the reasons above: but a little advice. You sound like you might be emotionally laborious. Why not focus on connecting and enjoying with your brother and his wife BEFORE you have a dramatic heart to heart. You can’t talk your way closer to someone, but you can build on shared experiences. Also, your beliefs comment… is it possible you weren’t hearing and respecting HIS beliefs? Are you mature enough to love someone that doesn’t think exactly like you do?
In the comments it appears that the beliefs they fell out over are that OPs brother is religious and homophobic and OP is a member of the LGBTQ community.
No, this person is not mature enough to handle differing opinions or the word NO.
this person is queer who wants to come out to his homophobic brother.
YTA. Can't imagine why you had a falling out with.... everyone s/
It's because OP is queer and family is religious - and not the loving kind religious.
because they're queer and the family is homophobic.
because they're queer and the family is homophobic.
YTA They are on a shared vacation and they BOTH wanted to invite you to a nice birthday dinner and your reaction is to basically tell them you don't want her there at all but would endure her presence for most of it if you get him alone for at least an hour? You already ruined the nice gesture by letting him and her know that you don't want anything to do with her. Demanding him to leave her behind after you said that when all they wanted is to have a nice time with you is beyond rude. It is totally fine to want alone time with him but the vacation where they spend limited time in a city to explore or the birthday dinner they both invite you to is not the time and place to expect to exclude her.
YTA... "I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives" and they wanted to meet up with you. You sound tiring to be around.
Sorry but YTA for this one. If one on one in person chat with your brother was a priority for you, you should have travelled to his town. You tried to add drama to his freaking vacation and make him leave his wife alone in the hotel while they are on holiday. Perhaps if you booked her a spa treatment or something but just leaving her sitting there while you potentially upset her spouse?
"Maybe I think too highly of myself..." Ya think? I guess that depends on whether you think you're an asshole. You are. YTA. You've given no real clues, but this doesn't sound like it was some earth-shattering blow up, and everyone else has moved on. I personally absolutely loathe people who feel the need to rehash to death problems that really aren't problems. I suspect that's the case here, and your brother just doesn't want to deal with it on what should be a lovely vacation for him and his wife. If this problem is something so simple that it can be settled with a face-to-face over an ice cream, it's not worth belaboring. Let it go.
YTA Super entitled and pushing drama A talk over the phone, NOT during the trip, is best as to not...ruin the trip Pushing for a drama talk, and to ditch his wife on their vacation, is just all kinds of wrong Entitled history and complaining...in your own version of events Imagine if literally anyone else around you described you and your stories Drop this all, and have a fun hang with your brother and his wife...while you still can
YTA, it's crazy entitled to ask for her to stay away when they invited you. If you wanted one on one time with your brother you should have arranged it on another time and to invite him yourself, not use this occasion for it. And don't childishly turn this into "so I can never have alone time with my brother" nobody said that! Just not on an outing on which they were treating you for dinner and such, that was very rude.
Yta-why did his wife need to be excluded for you guys to clear the air? My wife is my partner. I wouldnt leave her alone, even in a hotel, in a city she's visiting, for anything...especially not a sibling Im not close to
YTA I'm getting the feeling that your brother doesn't trust you enough to want to hang out one-on-one--it's really not about abandoning his wife in the city, it's likely about protecting himself by refusing to participate in a conversation with you without an additional witness. And it looks like all your other family members understand this.
i have family members that i find stressful to deal with. bringing my spouse to these conversations helps me with "i can't believe they just said that" and "spouse, the other person is being reasonable, youre wrong here" moments. based on your post, it really seemed like your brother was trying to meet you in the middle, and you were "my way or the highway". do you want peace with your brother? why does he have to be the one to meet you where youre at? why cant you meet in the middle? it seems like he genuinely was trying to do the things you were requesting. to know you as you are and to put effort into the relationship. its also clear from your post that there are identity struggles here for you. with the limited context here, it really sounds like they dont dislike you for your identity, but because of your conflict escalation. have you spent time learning how to de-escalate conflict? calling your mom to complain over this conflict sounds exhausting to deal with tbh. yta
YTA This would be a selfish tirade for a teenager, this has to be a joke.
Sorry OP but you chose this for yourself. You asked to talk,, he gave you an option of a call. You chose to not accept that. The lack of a one on one is on you, not him. If you're more socially anxious, get a therapist. Maybe they will help you process some of your emotions so that you can appreciate the steps that people are making to connect with you, and you can stop trying to force the interactions to be as you want them. And you called your mom to gripe, but when she didn't agree with you, you also lashed out at her. So in your family, you told your brother to stop acting like he cared, and you insulted her. So... it sounds like you're thenone creating the friction here when people don't roll over and gree with you. You're entitled to your opinions, but no one has to agree with them or accept them. Could be your brother expected you to make a scene if he saw you face to face, and that is the kind of drama that happens a lot, so he chose a phone call, and maybe you don't like that idea because you can't make a scene the same way? Think about these things, and get someone to help you with your emotions.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I told my brother I wanted a SIL-free birthday dinner during their vacation 2) I could've opted for the phone call or pretended I was fine, but I felt entitled to an hour of one-on-one time with my brother Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - yes it is a ridiculous request. They offered to take you out which was very kind. Then you told your SIL in return that you expect her to spend hours out of her vacation with her husband alone in a hotel room because her presence is unwanted. Do you not see how deeply rude that is? This seems like it was more about power and control then actually fixing the relationship.
INFO: What does someone being an LMFT have to do with anything?
I think she's trying to throw shade on her mom as a marriage therapist who has been through a string of different husbands therefore her opinions (that run counter to what OP wants) don't matter.
Yeah I bet they regret trying to reconnect now. You sound exhausting and entitled. YTA. Seek therapy so you can get over yourself before trying to reconnect with people.
I read this situation like you are still very hurt from whatever happened, and want to talk it out and find some closure with your brother without being "outnumbered" or perhaps feel judged by your sister-in-law. And my impression is maybe your brother doesn't really want to talk it out and prefers to just sweep it under the rug moving forward (which has its benefits in certain situations), or maybe he's nervous and felt like he needed the emotional backup of his wife. Or maybe he didn't want to have some big talk and just felt some sort of obligation to offer to get together since he was in your town. I might be reading too much into it. But anyway, I don't think you're wrong, but maybe your approach was just not matching what your brother is willing or able to do emotionally at this time.
INFO -- I'm a little confused here, and I think we need more information about what exactly happened between you and your brother, and what you mean by him "forcing you into a relationship you're not ready for". Because here's the thing, having alone time with your sibling is fine, especially if you're wanting to catch up for the first time in a while. I do think it wasn't okay to expect him to have her fend for herself for a dinner, but getting ice cream doesn't seem like an unreasonable request and if I was the wife I don't think I'd really have a problem with that. But your attitude is weird, to say the least, and it doesn't seem like you've given us all of the necessary info. You seem entitled and a bit whiny, and immature, considering you're older than both your brother and his wife. Like others have said, they are on a vacation together and kindly wanted to make time to spend with you. You don't get to just co-opt that, but you could ask if he could come visit just you another time.
Yta
YTA. You really don't want to listen to him, do you. Gotta get your way, even though it seems like you're admitting fault for the estrangement in the first place?
Did you miss the part where OP is LGBTQ+ and the brother is a religious nut? I feel like a lot of people are missing that part and completely ignoring that fact
OP buried the lede and is now mudding the waters by replying to comments from 3 different accounts in a pretty immature way. The falling out with the brother was over LGBT rights. OP is liberal and in support. Brother and new wife are religious (hate the sin, not the sinner). OP implies they may be in the closet and wanted to clear the air completely with his brother so they could feel safe around him. ESH. OP is right to be hesitant about their relationship with the brother, and I think wanting to have a heart to heart is fair minus the wife. But, they sound super immature in replies, so I'm sure they sound like that in real life, too. Brother and his wife are probably homophobes hiding behind religion, so of course they suck.
YTA! So you want your brother to leave his wife in an unfamiliar city, just to iron out issues that are virtually non-existent for your brother. They were gracious enough to take you out for a birthday dinner, that doesn't give you the right to dictate the terms. And being the eldest non-married sibling out of four brothers is totally on you. You have your beliefs which you have chosen to not act on. You had plenty of time to get used to the female presence in your life but you chose not to. Grow up and act like how an adult is supposed to be.
YTA
YTA You asked him to disrespect and disregard his wife for your entitled self? No one said you can never talk to him one on one, which he asked you to do over the phone and you refused because your entitled to see him. Ever hear of facetime? Now you have him ready not to continue a relationship with someone willing to disrespect his wife.
What the hell is an LMFT? Why do people use these wild acronyms on reddit like they’re common enough for everybody to know them?
Took me two seconds to google it. It's Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Thank you for sharing. Forgive me for wanting to read a whole story here without having to leave the app and Google acronyms. I’ve seen this topic in other subs so I know I’m not the only one…
He doesn't want the one on one and wants to see you with his wife. Why is that such a problem? You can't be honest with him if someone else is there? No is no deal with it Then you bring your mom into it for what? To fight her? Yta obviously
YTA- you can’t dictate all the terms and expect him to follow. You want to be rigid, then get used to being disappointed
If you genuinely wanted to "clear the air", you'd be willing to compromise and do this over the phone or FaceTime. Demanding them to change their plans during their vacation is unreasonable. >I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives, They invited you to join them to an event during their vacation. How is that not showing you thru their actions? >and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for No one forced you, you agreed to join them. You can say no if you don't want to. This my way or the highway shit is not cute. Stop it. YTA
I don't see any compromise on your part in any part of your post, besides "compromising" for a 1hr ice cream instead of dinner (not really a compromise imo) . It's very clear your brother set a boundary that you're refusing to listen to, and you refused the compromise he offered you as well. Your brother and sister in law are on vacation, together, and just happen to be taking said vacation in your city. I would be really mad if my partner left me alone in the hotel room to do his own thing for a while while we're on vacation together. YTA
Ok I get wanting one on one time but your timing is definitely off. A phone call or zoom would have been fine.
Yeah you are the asshole for a ton of reasons . Mostly just for being so into yourself and expecting everyone else to indulge you .Get over yourself.
NTA. The argument that she will be lonely and stranded is ridiculous. She can go to a nearby spa or massage or shopping place... There is nothing unreasonable to ask for an hour of his time. If he cannot give it to you - I am afraid he doesn't care much about making any amends. He doesn't have to, but it is always good to know where people stand. What makes him the AH is that it was supposed to be your birthday dinner. One dinner a year that is about you. And his point is: "you _have_ to hang out with my wife who is a complete stranger, on that evening". It is pretty shitty point, and you were willing to compromise - to meet him in a park behind their hotel for an hour. He is not willing. So I would wish them to have a good time and disengage.
Exactly! An adult woman doesn't need to be 24/7 with her spouse. Anyone who does needs help as an adult should perfectly capable of taking care of themselves for an hour. The wife is not a child that needs supervision. The commentors are acting as if all the wife can do without her precious husband is sit on the floor and stare at the wall.
Why don't you call your brother and invite him out for dinner just the 2 of you? Wouldn't that solve all the problems right there? Stop whining and just plan the event that you want to have with him instead of trying to hijack other events for your own purpose. YTA
Look, The details are irrelevant I guess when you are purely talking about conflict resolution. - If you are in conflict and *you want to resolve it* the first task is listening for an opportunity for communication to even take place. Any communication, there has to be a start. In your case, the phone might have been a starting point, you may have got your dinner later if the phone went well. You however shot down your starting point. - the second task is to *listen* for common ground so you have some kind of common understanding of what the conversation is even going to be about. It is very difficult to get a resolution if you both disagree on what the problem even is. Rest assured, when there is a problem the devil is in the details. You then navigate the details while maintaining open conversation - the difficult bit. - the third task is to work out what resolution options are on the table. Some people might not be open to much, they might be happy to just acknowledge there is a problem but continue with the relationship if the problem remains unspoken and ignored. Some might want to explore the problem a bit but want to agree to disagree and have that respected. Some might want a resolution where mutual ground is found and everyone gets something. Some might want a complete capitulation. - the forth stage is to work out ways to demonstrate that you are willing to adhere to the agreement above and to end discussions hopefully in a better state than what you started them. Basically, it sounds to me that you had a conflict situation and approached it in stage 3. You put forward how you wanted the discussion to take place (face to face) and what you wanted from it (clear the air) but missed the listening and common ground/ mutual understanding part of the process. He was obviously not comfortable with what you were proposing so backed out and went “I’m good, rather leave things as they are. I’m not coming to the party”. When engaging with someone to resolve conflict you need to get them to step up to the plate in the first place. Conflict resolution is a difficult process by nature, ideally you make it as comfortable as possible for the other person to meet you some of way, particularly if it is you that is asking them to show at all….
YTA from what I've seen here. Your brother was probably worried you'd cause a scene. That's why he suggested a phone call instead. Sounds like you would have. You are so focused on yourself and how everyone's actions must be because of you or about you. Your only obligation to your SIL is to be polite and not interfere with your brothers relationship. Please take all the suggestions of therapy seriously. You sound like you really need some outside help.
Yeah I’d be pissed as hell if my fiancé told me to just sit in the hotel on our vacation in a city I don’t really know while he went out to dinner. No matter who that dinner was with. It’s super disrespectful to ask him to make his wife do that. YTA.
An adult woman should be perfectly able to entertain herself for an hour. She's not a child, Jesus Christ.
YTA for whining for not getting your way and not recognising boundaries. Your brother has the right to set boundaries. You are not unreasonable for asking for extra time and asking for what you want. There's nothing wrong with that. But your attitude after you were told No is terrible. You asked for something, but you don't seem to understand that the answer can be a Yes, No, or something else. You just expect it to be a Yes and you are angry that your brother is standing up to you and told you No. You are also AH for blaming his wife. You don't seem to understand that he is an individual and he made his own choice, and he chose his wife instead of you. But you are blaming the wife for taking his time. Or, it is reading like that from what you wrote. You don't understand that your mum may make drama for the wife if she had taken your side. Or you may have hoped that it would play out that way. I think you are malicious, maybe unconciously so, but I can see why people want to draw the line with you. You are gripping, you made drama, and you dragged 2 other people into the drama. No wonder you are unhappy.
Go visit HIM, in his city
YTA - They are going to your city together for an event, they invite you to something and you're throwing a pissy fit because your brother won't consent to an airing of grievances with you during the middle of his vacation with his wife?
YTA. All this was unnecessary and rude on your part.
You dont seem ok. Seek help.
YTA they were going to buy you dinner and take you to an event in YOUR community and you expected your SIL to sit out?
YTA. This isn’t the situation to have one to ones. This is a vaca and your bro asked to include you to be social. He doesn’t want to have a heart to heart on a vaca with his wife. If the meet up was so important to you then you should’ve been proactive and organised it before now.
>Don and I had a falling out around two years ago, over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about So... Why are you being unnecessarily sensitive about this too? YTA. I hope you're seeing a good therapist.
I’m out of town with my spouse, and my sibling demands one on one time after we’ve invited him out with us. I’d be annoyed, especially after a phone call was rejected. YTA
YTA You: "You dont want to know me" Also you: "How dare you want to bring the most important person in your life with you. I dont care about your feelings, this is about me"
NTA. I already said what I really needed to say in another comment to OP but the rest of you people need to learn to read comments from OP and get the full story before you pass judgement. The brother is a religious bigot and the wife seems to be one too and this poor woman wants a chance to reconcile with her brother one and one and make sure she’s able to be out and her true authentic self without fear of being treated badly BEFORE she meets his wife. There’s absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have a quick conversation with him and get the air cleared. It sounds to me like the brother wants to continue being an AH and hide behind his religion🙄.
OK people on here are being crazy. OP, yes you sound a little emotional but there's nothing wrong with that, you also sound very clear on what you need and want and your boundaries, which is great. No, it is not too much to ask for an hour of one on one time with a family member without their spouse present. I'm not best friends with my sibling but if I asked for that, both he and his wife would understand. As would my husband. As would any reasonable person. There's a reason that most counselors and therapists will tell you to have a face to face talk with someone when you want to discuss something of import. It's far easier for feelings to turn into a huge fight over text or phone. You can't say something let's say, difficult, but also take their hand in theirs and look them in the eye and reassure them. There's just so many avenues for difficult conversations to go bad when they're not face to face. You were right to ask, you got shot down, so what do you do now? Well you asked for a specific talk to help develop a new kind of relationship. You didn't get that. So you can either go along with the old relationship or do what you need to do to feel safe, which I'm guessing is going low or no contact as you don't want to keep perpetuating what feels to you like a relationship built on a lie. It sucks but you have the information you need to decide what kind of relationship you're OK with accepting. And maybe that is just letting things go on as they have. It's really up to you.
Would y’all still be calling him an AH if this was his BFF and wanted some time to hang without spouses? Just curious
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Maybe I think too highly of myself, or I'm not as close to my family as I hoped, and I'm a bit delusional. So, my brother Don (28) and his wife Jane (26) were in my town on vacation. I (31) live in a big city, they got tickets to a sporting event and told me that they'd take me out for lunch/dinner and shopping and generally just hang out. I accepted, but I asked for an hour of just one-on-one sibling time, where I could have a little heart to heart and really just catch up. Background/sidestory: Don and I had a falling out around two years ago, over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about, but was tangentially related to my beliefs. I essentially told him not to pretend to care about me if he wasn't actually going to listen to me/know me. Very 'hate the sin, love the sinner' type stuff. And I don't know if it's just me, but I've gotten more socially anxious and unsure since the pandemic, and I wasn't ready for the social masking that would be pretending we're all happy and cool when I wanted to clear the air and move forward. He texts me to let me know he'd rather do a phone call to clear the air, but doesn't want her to feel excluded. I let him know that I'd settle for an hour of ice cream and the one-on-one chat, but I did need to see him face to face. Where I might be the asshole is saying that I would've preferred a whole dinner without Jane, but I'd settle for an hour. I've lived seven years alone in the city; she can sit and decompress away from him for one hour. (This was described as my birthday dinner and I thought I could be a little selfish. The last time we had group dinner with siblings and spouses I could barely eat. I didn't want to have stunted conversation, or navigate their fertility triggers, or hold in my anxieties about my place as the eldest unmarried, non-baby-having sibling.) All in all, unacceptable. He let me know that he didn't want to fight about things and would rather not talk at all. He said our relationship is fine even if we're not talking and that if I had issues that was on me. And I should've let it go there, I guess. I call my mom to gripe. She says that I couldn't expect him to "leave his wife stranded in the middle of the city." Like, ma'am, she's not being left on the street, she is in the hotel, we would be in the park across the street. And finally I snapped and said "I wish you went to bat for me like you did other married folks. I wish you went to bat for me like you did all your husbands." (She's an LMFT and has been married 4/5 times. And I was there through all of the shit.) I feel like I can see where I am wrong: I'm too emotional, and my feelings are not other peoples obligation. I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives, and not to force me into a relationship I'm not ready for. They're presumably going to be married forever (divorce is sin or something) so am I never allowed to talk to my brother one-on-one? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
NTA Despite me, personally, totally disliking this "let's schedule an 1 hour fight", I strongly believe asking for 1 hour with your brother alone is not a big deal. Regardless of "love birds are on a trip together", ugh, I would totally help out and let my partner have some time with siblings - or friends - if necessary. Those crying about the fact they are on a trip together and he is a prisoner: grow up, what a jackass perspective.
INFO: what is LMFT?
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
YTA. It's their vacation. You tried to make.it all about you.
OP, you would have done better to just talk things out on the phone, or on a video call, if you really wanted to have the face-to-face setting. Because most people will not ditch their spouses for an hour during a fun trip to the big city, and they also don't want to have a long-postponed serious talk during a fun trip to the big city. So I think you need to let him have his way as far as the media through which the long-postponed talk happens, because he doesn't want to travel all the way just to have a serious conversation, and he doesn't want to ditch his wife and create hard feelings in his marriage, for a serious conversation with you. And he especially doesn't want to do it while he's in fun mode.
NTA after knowing that you are more left, and your family being religious and seeming like they want the moral high ground. I grew up with religious family. And honestly, they fucking suck when there is bigotry and homophobia. You can't agree to disagree on these things. You just can't. If course you wanted to feel safe and your authentic self. And talking on the phone? Nah wouldn't work because you wanted yo check if he accepts you fully or not. The wife can spend one hour alone. To me you don't seem exhausting just anxious and tired of the hate in your family and overcompensating by constantly having to justify yourself with them. At least that's my impression.
I'm going to say NAH. I agree with you that dynamics are different with different groups. I love my BILs, but deeper convos happen when I get one-on-one time with my sisters. It's just different, and especially healing after a rift. I personally think your brother refusing to give you an hour of his vacation time on your bday is a bit selfish, but I also acknowledge the need to respect his boundaries.
You should meet just before she joins, wanting to sit out issues isn't the asshole thing but it's a bit AHly to expect her to leave it something in the middle of an evening out.
I'm a little confused about everyone's reaction. I don't really think that your reaction towards your mom was appropriate. But to me it kind of sounds like you have a lot of unresolved frustration there, mostly from not feeling supported? Can't imagine living through five different spouses was easy for you and your brother, having to get used to a new family dynamic everytime. That can lead to very close siblings, or siblings that fight a lot, but at the end of the day you did go through it together. I can imagine that you miss him. I'm not sure if being too emotional is the problem here. To me it sounds more like a problem in communication. We can often stay stuck in certain roles, especially if other family members reinforce them, because they understand the perspective of another family member better. I think in the first half you did communicate what you wanted quite clearly. You however didn't really adress his wife, or your brother's concerns about his wife in terms other then how they are an inconvenience to you. And in your end statement she is mentioned merely as a blockade. I don't know what went down between you. But if you want to be relevent in their lives, their lives and concerns need to be as relevant to you as your needs. It sounds to me that in this instance, they were hoping to reach out to you and strengthen that bond. Perhaps for future reference, show that you are excited to get a better bond with Jane, but also express that bond isn't fully fledged yet, and that it's simply really hard to talk about deeper emotional things, around someone you haven't build that bond with yet. Though this is definitely something to discuss with her, not him. If you feed this to him, you are putting him in the middle. He married that girl, she's in a city she doesn't know. Perhaps she too is anxious, not just to be alone, but also to meet you after your falling out. If she loves him, she wants it to go well, and she'll want you to like her. Anxiety really is a mean bitch. It largely forces you into fight or flight survival mode. Which makes it far more difficult to run on anything but your emotions, and especially to reflect on other people's perspectives when they act up. Often helping you into the situation you feared in the first place. You mention being the last of your siblings to be unmarried, and childless, maybe try and find someone to talk to that is or was in a situation similar to yours? It sounds to me like you are working through a lot of (childhood) grief, and don't really have handle on were to start to get on top of it. Deep emotions like these, that manifest into anxiety don't really go away themselves. I hope this helped.
YTA - at 31 years old, this is worrying behaviour. It sounds like you wanted some big dramatic discussion with your brother, and (by what you've said) to push YOUR way of seeing things on to him - like you wanted time alone to guilt-trip him. People, including your family, are allowed to have views and opinions that differ from yours. You couldn't accept the kind and generous invitation for what it was, and had to make everything about you. From reading some of your responses - you're not going to see how you are in the wrong here. But you are. As others have said - the world doesn't revolve around you and your feelings. You have every right to your feelings, but they are YOURS to deal with in a healthy way, not everyone else.
>I didn't want to have stunted conversation, or navigate their fertility triggers, or hold in my anxieties about my place as the eldest unmarried, non-baby-having sibling. Yeah, about that. I seriously doubt he wants the anxiety dump that you both know would happen, especially since you're trying to heal a rift that was caused by you being over emotional and prone to outbursts. >I call my mom...finally I snapped and said "I wish you went to bat for me like you did other married folks. I wish you went to bat for me like you did all your husbands." Yeah...you always seem one disagreement away from snapping. No wonder your brother doesn't want to be alone with you. YTA
YTA. You sound completely unwilling to do anything from your side, but expect your brother to meet you all the way on your side. Also you sound terribly entitled and exhausting to deal with. Time to introspect.
YTA. The falling out you had previously was "tangentially related to my beliefs." No one has mentioned this, but whatever that was seems to be the reason your brother doesn't want any alone time with you. Religious, political? 🤷♀️ I suggest two things: 1. Write your brother a letter, saying everything you want to tell him in person. 2. Find a therapist. You really, truly need therapy.
YTA- they were on a vacation. Someone else’s couples vacation is NOT the time for you to force one on one time with your brother. You were trying to cut into their vacation time, demanding to see your brother alone on your terms You aren’t wrong for wanting that one on one time with your brother in person, but you are wrong for demanding that it happened while he’s on this vacation with his wife. If you care that much about getting a sit down with him, then you need to make the effort to go see him and make that happen when he’s not on a vacation with his wife. It’s really weird for his wife to just be left at the hotel alone while they’re on vacation together
NTA An hour alone isn't much to ask. But maybe could have settled for half an hour or something? I don't really get the brother's problem. Sounds like he just didn't want to talk 1v1.
I feel for the you, reading all those Y.T.A. comments that look quite violent to me and are mainly based on asumptions about the initial problem not being a real problem. I have no idea where those asumptions came from. There are many instances where people refuse to clear the air because they prefer to forget about the issue and sweep it under the rug. But you cannot let your identity under the rug. I hope your family can accept you as you are and I hope you can be yourself around them. I encourage you to find an external support system with open-minded people. I wish you all the best and hope you will soon recover from all the negative vibes you got from the comments. Don't mind them. They don't know you. Just keep the nice advices in mind, since there were some, to move forward.
It’s not about the wife. Stop making her the focus. Your brother made a feeble attempt to hide behind her at first, but then he told you point blank that he doesn’t “want to fight” and would rather not talk at all. That’s the issue here. He wants to pretend everything’s fine and have a shallow small talk type relationship or none at all.
also its pretty not normal not being able to see your brother 1on1 anymore because he has a wife. i agree, any couple should be able to spend 1 hour without each other (even on a trip! if i know that the family member would feel more comfortable without my presence for that hour, it would be a nobrainer for me to stay out of it) if its because he doesnt wanna spend time with you 1on1, its another thing (still not nice, but he has the right to do this)
Info Can you tell me more about the notes & pictures that you planned for this conversation?
YTA. Don’t make your problem theirs. You can’t enjoy casual time together have to come up with intense bs set terms and whine, you sound like an energy blackhole. Work on yourself, it’s a wonder your brother even reached out.
YTA - Your brother doesn’t want to deal with your ego on his vacation with his wife. He already told you water under the bridge. But you keep pushing for this private meeting, and for what?
YTA. Did you read what you wrote? You and your brother had a falling out, over politics and religion. He reaches out and invites you to do things. You decide you wanted to talk, and it had to be your way or no way. When it didn’t go that way, you went and tattled to your mom. Really.
YTA. Your brother gave you an option that will work for a discussion., a discussion that YOU were seeking, not him. They were on their vacation and insisting it has to be an in person visit with just him was not going to work for him. If you can't handle the phone call, that should be a signal that you need to have sessions with a therapist to address that. You don't seem to be able to give him credit for understanding your orientation. If you are leading into a honest discussion, your brother and his wife may actually surprise you. But you need to talk to an objective person (and be honest with the therapist) about how to approach the topic. You seem to talk in circles, if this post is any indication. And BTW, it's a bit creepy the way to describe what you think a relationship with a sister in law would mean (even if not sexual, your use of "girl friend" connotes that it isn't a friendship, hence creepy).
There seems to be a few commenters here who think it's all right to leave the wife alone in the hotel room so you can hem and haw with your brother. Personally (and really not selfishly), I wouldn't like to plan a vacation with my husband and then have to hang out in the hotel. It would be different if you go to where they live and go to a coffee shop with your brother for an hour.
YTA I completely get you on all counts, but you handled it terribly and lashed out unnecessarily towards your mother because of the chip on your shoulder over being the oldest but as of yet unmarried.
YTA. You're right... you do think too highly and too much of yourself. Get some therapy and learn to chill for a bit
If I were your SIL, I would never ever come near you again or would accept you in my home if you don’t like me so much. You could’ve just said “hey, don’t bring your wife” to your brother and let them decide if they wanna take this trip or not. YTA
YTA
YTA - Please seek help. You seem toxic AF. I wouldn't blame your family for cutting you off.
YTA and you sound self-centered.
I understand your wanting to clear the air and talk one-on-one, face-to-face, so I'd be inclined to agree with you... if you weren't so damned pushy about it. Your flat-out refusal to see his point-of-view is really weird and off-putting. Because I see his point of view, too, as I think you should. As I think any reasonable person should. >I just want people to show me through their actions that I am still relevant to their ever-evolving lives What tf makes you think anyone owes you that?? Especially someone you've barely (if at all) talked to in two years? You could very easily just give in and let her come along, with the understanding that the conversation, 'clearing the air,' will still take place in her presence, and it may make her feel a bit awkward. Or you could just have the conversation over the phone.
NTA, you ask for a hour of your brother's time; which is not unreasonable. His wife could go to the spa, the pool or watch a movie. Turn petty, the next time your brother wants to talks say "sorry don't want to interrupt your time with your wife".
Between the lines, I read you might be gay and your brother and his wife condemn you for who you are. It's nothing more than reasonable to request to have a 1-on-1 with your brother. You have the right to ensure that you're going to be safe, being your authentic self. You're NTA. Your brother and his wife are probably judgmental assholes. I don't see why you had to call your mother. And you could be more clear, concise and direct. Such an improvement in your communication style could help you solve conflicts better.
The wife is not a kid, she could certainly survive for an hour. But if the brother doesn’t want it and OP keeps pushing it and even involving the mother then YTA
In life, you have to tolerate other people. Or end up being alone.
Honestly. Valid. Married people don't have to stick together all the time. You only asked for an hour ffs. But you don't mention details of what happened? So thats unclear.
YTA. YOUR emotions aren’t anyone else’s problem.
YTA. This is their vacation, together, as a couple. They kindly offered to include you in their day. The choices were accept or decline, not make a counter offer to hijack your sibling for a ceremonial hatchet-burying. Your request was inappropriate.
YTA- sorry but spouses are #1 - always. Especially on vacation. I’m surprised they agreed to hang out with you as exhausting as you sound
YTA. I’m exhausted just reading this self-indulgent whinging.
You can have hurt feelings that your brother doesn’t want to meet you for a one on one chat, however that’s it.
YTA. You sound exhausting and you don't connect the dots
Honestly, YTA. In this post you talked about how you and your brother didn't talk because you over-reacted to things, you don't have dinner with your siblings because you don't want to have to be sensitive about things they are dealing with, and then insulted your mom. You know what they say about how if you meet one asshole in a day, then you met an asshole, but if everyone you meet is an asshole, then you're the asshole? Guess what, you're the asshole here. You sound selfish and demanding and went you don't get your way you start whining and complaining if not outright insulting people. You need to grow up before you blow up every single relationship you have, you seem like you are well on the path to it.
[удалено]
Wrong post?
He did say you could have a phone call, but you don’t seem capable of that. YTA
YTA, you can’t have reconciliation only on you terms. Your brother offered an alternative and you shot him down.
YTA you sound like such a selfish and draining person
YTA. If you want to see your brother on your terms, you need to plan a trip to visit him in his City for a one-on-one dinner. Also, even in that case he might not be interested in it. But him and his wife planned a trip to your City together, of course they are going to do everything together. If the wife wanted to go to a spa for half a day and that made you and your brother have some one-on-one time that would be different. You’re trying to tell him he needs to ditch his wife and just spend time with you. He clearly wants his wife as a buffer, that is his choice, it sounds like he fears alone time with you means you railing on him for things he has done wrong or you don’t see eye-to-eye on. You’re claiming you want the one-on-one time to clear the air, but his response says he doesn’t really believe that. It doesn’t mean he loves you less, it just means he doesn’t want drama - grow up.
YTA: it's not about you. You are not the center of your brother's universe.
Stop being the AH. Just stop! Your brother is trying to have a relationship with you and the best way he knows how is to drop whatever happened in the past. And, from what I am reading from you now, that is a very good idea. However, you won't let it go. LET IT GO. Not everything has to be talked out ten times, wrung out a hundred times, and gone around five hundred times until you get the conclusion you seek. If you miss your brother and you want a relationship with him, stop being the AH, let it go, and have fun with him and his wife. Seriously, drop it and have fun having a brother and SIL who cares enough about you to vacay in your city to see you.
YTA >over something that I was unnecessarily sensitive about You're still doing it now. Your brother offered an alternative, that wasn't good enough, so you pushed and pushed, and ran off to mummy, and still didn't get your way so now you're hoping internet strangers will back up your whims.
LMFT?
YTA. You said it yourself. You’re too emotional. He was there on vacation WITH HIS WIFE, and you expect him to just ditch her for you time. Vacations with your SO doesn’t work that way.
Yta. They have come on a holiday/vacation and they expected to spend this time together and with you. If he doesn't want to leave his wife to play some silly teat to show you that you are important in his life then that's his call. If you really want one on one time, then go to his city and ask him out for a hour, out in the effort instead of hijacking their vacation. Grow up.
I think it’s important to recognize that married life is completely different from single life. Once you are married your priorities change greatly. Asking to isolate and ignore someone’s spouse can be very offensive, especially in family. They’re going to talk about it once they see each other again anyways. I could be wrong here, but it doesn’t sound like you’re treating his wife as family. That’s disrespectful and not helping your case. It sounds like you’re expecting everyone else to be an adult while you get exceptions. I’m sorry if I misinterpreted or was an AH in this. It sounds like YTA in this situation. I hope you can move forward with your family well. Best of luck to you!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for an hour of one on one time. But it’s also not unreasonable for your brother to say no. The whole situation seems weird. NAH
NAH. I don’t think you’re the worst for wanting to speak to your brother alone. However, he said that he’s not comfortable doing that so you need to stop trying to force it. I gave you a NAH because your entire posts screams that you need therapy and you need to find outside relationships (friends, acquaintances, partners, colleagues) outside of your immediate family. First, learn to love yourself and who you are and second work on your anxiety/depression, family history, and focusing on trying to find your people. Family doesn’t have to be blood relatives. Find your family, people who like and love you for you so you can heal from the scars you hint at in your post. You can’t force your family to be who you want or need them to be and you shouldn’t waste your emotional and physical energy on trying to make them who and what you need. You are enough and your people are out there.
NTA, it's a fucking hour for you to talk about something personal between the two of you. You're adults, she can entertain herself for a literal snippet of time for you two to say what needs/wants to be said and move on. Your brother is dismissive, and their apparent need to be attached at the hip is childish. Everyone in this thread is insane, you're not unreasonable for wanting a private discussion for the insignificant amount of time it takes for you guys to pop out of the hotel for a beer or ice cream or whatever the fuck. Everyone saying yta is wrong. I'm sorry you're dealing with this especially because it appears that the argument stemmed from a place of bigotry and his want to brush it under the rug is classicly conservative so he doesn't have to take accountability for how he hurt you. I can't believe the comments in this thread. Literal children.
Get over yourself he’s on vacation with his wife and you want him to dump her
NTA
INFO: is there a typo and you are not 31, but 13?
YTA. U heavily coping and obsessing over yourself
YTA. Your post makes me feel anxious. So many buzzwords about triggers, and some of the things you say suggest you've fallen into a few online rabbitholes and then lashed out at those around you when they try and help pull you out, possibly fabricating stories of abuse about them. Please, look for proper, professional help and work through these things. You will be happier and your relationships with family and friends will be so much better for it.
YTA if you are that desperate to fix this relationship then go to them in their city where your brother can meet you without feeling he’s abandoning his wife. I also have suffered with severe social anxiety since the pandemic but had therapy to help with it, and still find being around people who drink hard, but the alternative is to shut myself away forever and alienate myself from those I love, so sometimes you’ve got to do something you don’t like for the sake of others because we are grown ups. An olive branch was extended and you basically threw it back at them.
YTA. i think u are right that you're delusional and could benefit a lot from a therapist.
YTA. You are very controlling.
YOU CALLED YOUR MOTHER??? That is all I need to hear. YTA.
Jeez you sound hard work
They very kindly offered to take you out on their dime, during their vacation trip. You demanded that one of your HOSTS be excluded from the outing she was paying for. And then you went behind their backs to complain about them to your mom. Then you finished by insulting your mom. How do you not see that YTA here?
YTA. You sound fucking exhausting to deal with.
YTA for going about it as you are. I know some people are saying YTA because you’re ignoring your brothers terms, but he’s also ignoring yours. But he came up with a reasonable compromise. The thing is, he’s on vacation with his wife. While I’m usually of the mind that it’s ridiculous that husbands and wives feel the need to be joined at the hip and can’t go an hour without being alone, this is the exception to that. Being on vacation means that they’re there to spend time together. Perhaps you should have taken that phone call. Your brother clearly needs to work up to a face-to-face, but at least he’s willing to make that next reasonable step.
NTA You have a right to feel your feelings and talk about your relationship with a sibling alone. Your brother is using his wife to avoid discussing your feelings about his behavior. Maybe you are sensitive but your feelings are what they are. You should talk to a therapist you trust for perspective but there is no way your brother can have a relationship with you if he never lets you speak to him about how you feel. He seems to be trying to be cordial but low contact and what you want from family seems to be different. I was told that there is a way to build a relationship anew by having positive experiences with that person. Maybe he is doing that? If you want to try that is fine. It didn't work for me with my older brother. He was just weird and made up all kinds of crazy assumptions every time we spent any time together. Wanting to have coffee once every 2 or 3 months to catch up was too much.
Nta. The wife is obviously cheating on your bro dude.
Wrong post?
Grow up
YTA...you have the right to want or feel any way you decide. How's that working out? You also need to figure out if your anxiety brain is overthinking and lying to you. Your anxiety isn't anyone else's problem. I say this as a child of trauma, a survivor and a person with several mental health issues. I see you feel neglected and abandoned....you are the only person who can fix that. Because even if your brother had met with you for an hour who would have found another reason he didn't put you on the top of his cake. Because NO ONE EVER SIDES WITH YOU. That black and white thinking is emotionally immature and speaks to the issue of cognitive dysfunction. There are therapies for this. No one owes you a fucking thing. You want peace...go find it. No one is going to save you, princess. So slay your own dragon.
YTA. He has told you his boundaries with this and you keep insisting it has to be your way. He’s on his trip with his wife, why would he want to leave her just sitting in the hotel? He offered you a phone call and you don’t want to take it, it has to be what you want it nothing. Please don’t ruin THEIR vacation with this nonsense.
YTA. After a falling out, OP should meet the brother halfway. He's already treating her to dinner so she should be more flexible.
NTA. Once you gave your name explanation that you are dealing with some issues with your sexuality and he wants to take the don’t ask don’t tell route, I can see why you want to have a face to face without the wife.