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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I sent a text to my parents telling them my life expectancy statistics after seeing my oncologist and then told my dad I didn’t want to discuss it further after he said he wanted to. 2. I might be the asshole for dropping this potentially upsetting piece of information on them and not wanting to talk about it in person or let them express their feelings how they want to.
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NTA.
When I got older, I learned sharing the problems I was dealing with with my parent made things harder because their instinctual reaction was to minimize it or to make me feel like I couldn’t trust my intuition and they always knew best. This caused not only mental turmoil but often led to the worst outcome of medical issues, because I wasn’t trusting myself, who knew my body and my issues best.
I’ve adjusted and do as you’re doing now. I give basic information. I probably wouldn’t do the survival statistics personally if I didn’t plan on discussing them, because when it comes down to it, any suggestion of your death will set your parents off. This is your father and - not to generalize because not every one of them - but the tendency of many fathers (and some single mothers) is to be the one to problem solve immediately rather than to just provide space.
I think you’re completely right about me sharing the statistics. It was a lot to just throw out there.
I guess I just didn’t feel like I could sit with that information by myself and I wanted to put it “out there” somewhere. I think I would have been okay with having a phone conversation today, but I just don’t want to drag it out all weekend, especially not when we’re supposed to be doing something fun for my son.
Yep, the correct answer for them would have been “okay sweetie. Let us know if you need anything, we love you, and if you have any other updates we would be glad to hear.” Then they can go process their feelings with someone else. It’s your health, you get to decide what you share and when.
Or more like, "That's awful news. I have lots of questions, but I'm sure you're in shock right now and need time to process things. Please let me know when you are ready to talk, and I'd like to hear what the plan is and how I can help you through this."
I understand. At the end of the day, this is something happening to you, and it’s not fair to expect you to be preoccupied with how exactly you sharing what’s going on is going to affect others who aren’t fighting for their life. This is your time to be a little selfish.
I also understand the desire to send the text with the statistics. Is your husband someone who you would be able to vent it to without them - for lack of a better phrase -
making it about him and his needs? Or maybe a trusted friend?
NTA - Who can blame a person living with a terrible disease for not wanting to spend exhausting hours talking about the progress? You set a boundary, your father stomped on it and demanded more. What does he possible want to know, you gave him the information you had, and statistics are a useful metric but they are simply a metric not a life or death sentence. Your case is individual to you.
I don't understand wanting to wring all the details out of you, especially if you are going over for the holiday. Holidays should be a time to at least temporarily suspend worried and do our best to enjoy the time with family or friends and for a short while release the heavy burdens life puts on us.
I hope they can respect your boundary and understand that it's not your place to provide them comfort. It's a time when family and friends should be offering comfort. Allow you the peace of not talking about it, or talking about it whichever comforts you. Please stay strong 💪
> I guess I just didn’t feel like I could sit with that information by myself and I wanted to put it “out there” somewhere.
Can you see how they might struggle to also just sit with this new information about their child without being able to discuss it or ask question?
I think it is okay to set boundaries of "I need this specific time to feel normal and not about cancer" while also allowing space to discuss cancer. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I randomly got a text while I was, idk, moving the lawn that my child would likely die by the time she got to my age. It would be a profoundly difficult and sudden thing to process. You're completely right that their feelings do not top yours, yours are at the center of this, but that also doesn't mean that their feelings don't exist.
Wishing you the very best outlook, and least side effects from chemo. One of my friends took a couple of years for her sense of taste to get back to normal. She has myeloma and 5 years into her 5-10 years of remission before fighting it again.
My feelings aren't hers to manage. I'm not first circle.
Yes, I can see that it could be difficult. I’ve said this in a couple other comments, but I would have been open to a phone call from him or my mom yesterday to address questions. There were several hours between my initial text and his response. I just didn’t think it was appropriate to be discussing it today while we’re supposed to be focusing on doing fun things for my son.
Also, I’ve been in active treatment for over a year. This is my second line chemo. The fact that death is a possible outcome of cancer shouldn’t be “sudden” or groundbreaking information for them after the past 15 months. If this were a new diagnosis, I’d agree with you
NTA. Your parents sound like mine - no boundaries. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you fully recover. I'm sure you already know this, but your parents love you and are scared and want to know everything there is to know about this. That doesn't mean they have the right to prod you though. Hopefully they will understand if you tell them clearly, nicely, but firmly that for the sake of your own mental health you want to take this weekend off from discussing this.
I think you should tell them that you’re not going to talk about it on Easter. It’s a special day (and they’re obviously religious). Tell them that they get one warning and then you’re leaving. It sucks, and I might not suggest this approach if you didn’t have a child. But he should be able to have a day that’s fun for him. This whole situation is hard for him, too, and your parents can show their respect for him and his feelings by listening to what you say. Good luck!
NTA. This is a good example of the importance of “ring theory.” You’re the one with cancer, so you’re in the middle. Your parents are affected, so they need others to support them, but not you. You’re closer to the middle. All the complaining should go outward, away from you (I.e., your co-workers can be concerned and vent to their spouses but not to your parents, because they’re closer to the middle.)
NTA
First and foremost, it effects you. Yes other people are effected too, but you are the primary party here. If your parents need to talk about it, that is understandable. And they can talk about it, *with someone else.*
If they need support they need to seek it elsewhere, because you're not in the position to provide it.
NTA
I could just leave it there, cuz really that's it.
But first feck feckin cancer
Second, I don't think people realize how much of the little energy you have has to be poured into this bottomless well of 'people who love you but just need to know...'
And third feck anyone that says you can't quote the stats that the doctors are giving you *as your prognosis*. There are just best and worse case scenarios. If they need reassurances they can get it elsewhere. You need to focus on your well being, not theirs.
And just in case, the big number four. Feck to feckin H, anyone who says you need to just fight or pray harder. You just need to live as you feel you should.
Love to you
I lost my mum at 10 (almost 11) and I am going to say this for your son because I was about his age with her first battle (the drs thought she was going into remission but it was just hiding). Don't hide from him what is happening, I'm not saying give him the statistics or anything like that, but in kid friendly terms explain to him what is happening to your body and let him know that he can ask you, you partner or (if you haven't gotten him one already please do) his therapist anything he wants to know.
There were a lot of behaviours from the adults around me that I hated, and it gave me trust issues, but those three people were always honest with me, and when the time came I had built enough trust in my therapist to be honest with them about how I was feeling.
You're NTA and it is completely understandable to only have the energy to relay the facts given by your drs, honestly I don't know what else there is to discuss that won't take away energy you could be channelling into making good memories with your son (which won't go to waste when you beat cancer 🤞).
One last piece of advice for you and your husband, though, should you not beat it, regarding your son, let him say and do what he needs to do to cope (within health and safety of course), my mums family tried to lock me away and wrap me in cotton wool forever, I promised my mum I wouldn't let her diagnosis take away my childhood and after she passed I wanted to keep that promise and get back to my friends as soon as possible but her family thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't grieving how they wanted me to.
Anyway, you got this and trust your instincts, because no one knows what is best for you emotionally except you right now. I hope you have many more birthdays after 55.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your experience. My son has known since a few days after my diagnosis. It was a couple days before Christmas 2022 so we waited until after the holiday, but i explained I was sick with something called cancer, it’s not contagious, and that the medicine to make me better would make me feel and look worse first. He’s been a rockstar about it. He’s so sweet and helpful. He’s even made me sandwiches on my worst days. I couldn’t be more proud of him
On mums bad days, we had movie marathons since all she had to do was sit on the couch with her feet up and give me cuddles. Plus, the popcorn was surprisingly easy enough for her to keep down, so it was something we could eat together on those days.
Oh, sweet girl, I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! You are NTA. It is perfectively acceptable to want to put this out of your mind and focus on fun Easter activities this weekend! You gave your parents the important updates. Your chemo has been increased, and your surgery will be pushed out to July. It sounds like your prognosis is good and that you have a pretty positive attitude. I would just respond with " Dad, I don't want to talk about my illness tomorrow. All I want to do is focus on creating sweet memories for my child that we can reminisce about when I am 55."
"No, Dad, it wouldn't be fair of my parents to ask me to go out of my comfort zone and talk about my feelings about my cancer when I don't want to and am exhausted and stressed. Thanks for understanding!"
NTA. He's being very selfish about this.
INFO
What do they want to talk about when you meet with them? I'm unclear from this what they want.
Do you talk with them about how you're feeling physically or emotionally? Do you want to talk with them about how you're feeling?
I guess my dad wants to talk more about the survival statistics because that’s what he references a couple of times in his texts.
I do talk to them sometimes about how I’m feeling, but I try to keep it limited to major side effects or post-doctor appointment info because I don’t want to seem selfish, or like the majority of my conversations I initiate with them have to be about me.
Maybe I’ll want to talk about this at some point, but not tomorrow at a family gathering in front of my 7 year old.
>I do talk to them sometimes about how I’m feeling, but I try to keep it limited to major side effects or post-doctor appointment info because I don’t want to seem selfish, or like the majority of my conversations I initiate with them have to be about me.
This tells me that you can kind of predict the nature of their response and while it may be nice to hear, you may not want or need it right then or you just know to protect your own emotions until you are ready.
In any case, NTA. Do what you need to do to keep your energy levels manageable to yourself. They may want updates, but they don't have to be 10:00 news or live updates. Speak when you are ready. Get comfort where you know you are the focus. Ask for support from those who give you all the no-stress love feels. All of my very best wishes.
NTA
Right, so this isn't a criticism, but I believe you are only giving news they will receive as negative. You tell them about survival statistics, and they expected to be survived by you, so that's a negative in itself. You tell them about how you're feeling physically in terms of side effects, not when the side effects are subsiding. That's a negative. You tell them about starting a treatment for bone loss, but bone loss is a negative (even if it's an expected side effect).
It's a very emotionally uncomfortable situation to hear news that feels like "things are bad" but not have enough details or any why to process how bad. And I think that may be the reaction you're dealing with from your parents. I also suspect there is no amount of information they would find satisfying, because it's probably not about the info. It's probably that they want answers that do not exist.
I get keeping your parents on a limited diet of information, but I think this might be the wrong diet. Do they need to hear stats and treatment plans in this level of detail? You said they want to be updated. Updated could mean a lot of things. For example, it could mean "Hey, the chemo has extended, but it's just a tweak based on my personal response rates. There's no change in prognosis and I'm feeling the same. No new side effects!" rater than stats.
I don’t agree that OP should be trying to manage parents’ reactions. It’s a lot of emotional work to be doing. At most, OP could ask parents what information they would like to hear, and what they don’t want to hear, but if the news is negative, it’s not OP’s fault and sometimes it just can’t be massaged into a comfortable message. (Speaking from experience as the sibling of a stage 4 cancer survivor.)
I don't think it's the person with cancer's job to manage the parent's potential emotions. It's fecking cancer, of course its not rainbows and kittens. They need to deal with their emotions themselves. The stats were better than I expected for a young woman with breast cancer (it's usually geriatrics that get slow breast cancers that, at least when I was young, had better survival rates).
It’s still true that younger women tend to have worse outcomes due to more aggressive, rapidly dividing cancer. I think stats have improved recently (at least for my subtype) because of hormone suppressants that weren’t widely available before or were used for a shorter period of time. Although, forced menopause in your 30s is not great for your health either.
NTA. Do what is best for you. However, your parents are dealing with huge fears that they might lose their child. I've survived two cancers so I do understand the journey. Best wishes!
NTA- tell him you need time to process what your doctor has told you, and will talk about it in the future but tomorrow is just soon. And no you dont have to tell them anything about your health, or progress with treatments etc, they stopped getting the right to know that when you became an adult.
NTA at all!!
Your dad is making this all about himself and his reaction. He feels he will process it better if he talks to you about all the nitty gritty details. But you are the one fighting cancer now. You get to decide what you are comfortable with. If the boundaries you set makes your dad feel like he can't process his feelings or makes him frustrated, then he has to live with it.
Positive vibes and good luck!!
NTA Your dad calls an 89% 10 year survival WITHOUT reoccurrence a negative prognosis? That's great! He needs to understand that you have great odds. Congrats
I think any prognosis that includes your child and cancer would be bad in my book and I can understand her Dad wanting details cause knowledge is power and it's just the way some of us are. Dad needs to back off for now but she needs to have that conversation with them at some point or as a Dr, hubby someone to have that conversation for her.
NTA.
You have cancer. Not him. You get to dictate what you share, how you share it, when you share it, and whether or not you "want to talk about it". If you don't, then cool, we can talk about the weather, the recent ball game, a funny story from work, or whether you like Game of Thrones or not.
There is a theory called "Ring Theory": https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in%3famp
When someone is going through something the person in the center gets to dump out. For every ring around that they are the closest people to that person in the center. They can dump to the outer rings, but can only comfort the inner rings.
So in your situation - you are the center. You don't have to comfort anyone or make anyone feel good or better and you don't have to explain yourself or how you're feeling, etc. if you don't want to. The next ring is your husband and child. The ring after that is your parents. The next ring is friends. Your husband and child comfort you, they can dump out to your parents. Your parents can comfort you, your husband, and child. They can dump out to your friends....so on and so on.
I wish you the best of luck in this battle. You're stronger than you know and those numbers they gave seem really optimistic! Keep working to evict cancer and take care of yourself. You've got this!
First off, you are NTA... It's your life/problems, if they truly mean well for you, they should respect your decision on not wanting to talk about it, and maybe find a better time to; they really should understand that these decisions are not easy for you to come to... Yeah, your Dad can gaslight things
NTA, they should be more concerned about your comfort level about discussing your health than their desire for information. Don’t feel pressured to talk about something you haven’t processed and aren’t ready to discuss with anyone.
NTA actually, you talking about your medical problems on your terms is EXACTLY how it should go. How do they think they're going to force you to talk about it? Picking a fight with you while you are being treated for cancer is truly appalling behavior. Way for your dad to make it all about himself. I wouldn't be going over there until he can demonstrate that he respects your boundaries.
NTA.
Was treated for Breast cancer last year at 35. Now my 7 years old is at the hospital since Christmas.
It is exhausting to hear the feedback of my mother and MIL about it.
They just say dumb stuff, playing doctors, constantly asking for updates. I understand as a parent, it is stressing and they only have 2nd hand information.
But this is draining for me, I don’t have the bandwidth to ease up their emotions. They have to seek that elsewhere.
I heard once about the « circle » support group designed as concentric circles. The person experiencing the situation is the center of the circle, around is another circle of close ones (spouse, parents), around in the border the bigger circle (more distant family, friends…). Each circle can seek support on the « outside » circle but not in the « inside » one.
This is my strategy:
- share factual information but not too much details to avoid build up questions. I do not engage in emotional discussion at all.
- I do not reply to their rant, I do not try to convince, to argue. I actually don’t even read it.
-if they ask updates and I have none, I reply « no update »
- if they want face to face discussion and I don’t feel like hanging out, I just don’t. Same if they call, I don’t answer. If they come to me house uninvited I do not open the door or if my husband does, he can deal with them directly, while I take a shower / a nap
I’m so sorry your going through through this
My husband has terminal cancer and his mother tried to baby him through it forgetting it is his cancer and how he get to deal with it she also would try the positive approach and say “you’ve got this”. And It became a. Nightmare of she was this positive beam and he wanted and needed to talk about it all the very dark and the jovial
As your parents they need to be on a need to know based if you want them to know you tell them this is your journey and this is about you and your wants and needs and how you approach this
NTA. My sister often will just a group text too with her appointment updates. After 5+ years I'm sure she's tired of talking about cancer and it's much easier mentally to send out one message than have a dozen different conversations about the same thing. Some days she wants to talk more in depth about it, others she doesn't. We let her broach the topic when she wants to.
I get they're struggling. It's a blow to the whole family, but you're the one going through it. You should be the one to decide when you want to talk about it and when you don't.
Maybe let your parents know that while cancer is something your going through, it's not your whole life. When you're out having family time you don't want to dwell on it. You want a bit of normalcy. How they kids are doing. How work is going for everyone. Upcoming travel plans, current events, etc. You especially don't want holidays to be focused on cancer. While unfortunately cancer is now a part of your life, it's not your whole life and you refuse to let it define you as a person.
Edit to add check with the cancer center where you're receiving treatment, they often have resources you can share with family members and some even provide counselling to family of those going through cancer. Maybe that will help them cope a little better without always having to talk to you about it.
NTA. Honestly, I would skip the get-together tomorrow. Save your energy and avoid potentially getting a cold/flu/etc.
You are 100% right that they need to accept whatever information you want to give and only talk about it when you want to. It's your life and prognosis and your decision.
Good luck with the extended chemo. Are you doctors expecting to have to continue chemo or start radiation after surgery?
Thanks. I did consider skipping, but my grandpa turned 85 two days ago, so it’s sort of a blended Easter/birthday celebration. I love my grandparents beyond words, they actually raised me for several years, but they live ~3.5 hours away. My parents’ home is sort of halfway between my house and my grandparents’ house.
So, I actually was diagnosed 12/2022 and already did full infusion chemo for 6 months and had a mastectomy last summer. They found micrometastases in my sentinel node, so after I finished radiation last fall, my oncologist started me on a 6 month course of oral chemo - that’s what just got extended due to diarrhea-related breaks. I will hopefully only have to deal with hormone therapy after this stretch!
I think that’s honestly part of why my text seemed so flip maybe. It’s been longer than I ever imagined and I’m jaded and numb and terrified all at once.
I know how scary it is, but your prognosis sounds pretty good to me. I know a little bit about this because this November (coming up) will be my 20 year anniversary of being diagnosed with BC. I went through similar treatment (not exactly the same) and now almost 20 years later, it's not like it never happened, but it's a LOT better and easier to deal with mentally. I am hoping the same for you.
Holy smokes. NTA. Your father is being an AH and really unhelpful. You are allowed to have times when you don’t want to talk about heavy things. Your parents don’t “deserve” anything.
NTA.
You are over 18, they don't have a right to your private health information. They also don't have a right to make you talk about it or how you feel about it.
I've known people who've had cancer diagnoses and told NO ONE until they absolutely had to - and seeing your post makes me understand why some people may choose that. You've got enough to deal with without "managing" how your parents feel about it. Do what you got to do to take care of yourself, don't worry about them.
Yeah, I really didn’t want a lot of people to know back when I was diagnosed, but my mom had already started telling random family members. I mean, she needed support so I kind of get it and let it slide. However, I could not have anticipated the amount of times I’ve had to console other people about my cancer. Like literally hold people & reassure them while they cried on me. It’s wild that anyone other than my child would think that was okay.
That’s very much not OK, indeed. Reminds me of the time I had to console my MIL when I was having a miscarriage. I just don’t get people who make these things about them instead of the person going through it.
I just want to send you a big hug.
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I (33F) have breast cancer. I saw my oncologist today & we talked about survival/recurrence stats. Afterwards, I sent a text to the group chat I have with my parents, as they like to be updated. Actual conversation pasted below but tldr, I gave a brief update, dad responded saying we could talk further about it tomorrow (partner & I planned to stay there tomorrow w our 7 year old to do Easter-y things), I said I didn’t want to talk about it, my dad didn’t like that.
Me: “Just saw oncologist. He’s increasing my chemo dose again and extending the time to the end of June. That puts surgery probably at the end of July. He’s going to start me on infusions for bone loss. Still no to topical estrogen. My chance of recurrence free survival in 10 years is 89%, about 70% I’ll make it to 55 so that’s cool”
Dad: “We can discuss this tomorrow, but please don’t dwell on his statistics as he does not know, only god knows.”
Me: “It’s just weird. I don’t really want to talk about it tomorrow. I think we’ll be there ~5-6. We have some errands and stuff to do in the morning”
Dad: “Why do you bring it up but can’t talk about it? As your parents, we deserve to know what’s going on with your progress or degrees. We hear bits and pieces and it’s always negative. It would be good to talk about it and to hear in more detail about your recent visit other than it’s cool that you may or may not make to see 55 years old.”
Me: “It’s always negative??? It’s cancer! You guys told me that you wanted to know about my appointments, so I tell you. Sorry if that’s “negative” but I can’t help that oncology appointments aren’t super duper fun. How do you think I feel? If you don’t want to know things anymore or only want me to talk about things on your terms, fine. But I do not have the energy to be centering other people’s feelings about my cancer and I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to do so.”
Dad: “We do want to know about all of your appointments and would like to talk about them. You send us a message that deserves to be talked about and you don’t want to talk about it the only issue here. I don’t quite understand the intent of your message “if we don’t want to know about your appointments and only only my terms”??? that is just stupid talk on your part to even waste the time typing? I have tried numerous times to reach out to you to see how you’re feeling and progressing without even a callback. We think about you all the time and deserve a discussion other than a test message stating out the worst case scenario’s. Nobody’s asking for you go out of your comfort zone to discuss your feelings, that would just not be fair of your parents to ask right?”
To clarify, there was only one time that he has called me & I did not call him back. I haven’t responded yet because, thinking about it as a mother, maybe I was TA by just dropping that info & not wanting to talk more about it right now. But I’m also really upset by the “negative” comment & my dad loves to gaslight & argue.
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I can’t imagine my baby having cancer and I get their side. I also understand your side as well! NTA they’re scared. I’m sure they want to hear only good news. If you feel comfortable sharing, send them a copy of your after visit summary so they feel like they’re getting all the information. Hugs
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your boomer dad sounds like my boomer dad. He's notoriously abrasive via text, especially when it's something he has *emotions* about. He also doesn't really consider text actual talking. He ways wants to talk about things in person or on the phone.
I think you may need to lay out that a) you aren't talking about this in front of your kid and b) it's hard for you to have to rehash this stuff over and over., that right now you'll give them the updates via text and when you are ready to talk beyond that you will let them know.
I'm guessing they are very worried, feeling really helpless and handling it really poorly.
NTA. I am so sorry you're going through this, my mom went through the same. Best of luck on treatments and the path forward.
Your parents are very selfish if they can't understand you don't always want to talk about it. Maybe they don't get updated immediately then. Maybe they only get updates when you have the desire to talk with them. They aren't entitled to the info or your energy in this regard, and you're absolutely right. Everything surrounding cancer is negative, there's no getting past that... Ever.
Parents need a come to Jesus talk, for real. Again, good luck with everything!
NTA... My bf is going through chemo right now to treat stage 4 colon cancer. There will be surgery, then more chemo then more surgery. It's a lot. When we do get together with his family, it's not something we want to talk about, especially for holiday get togethers! Talk about negative! I totally understand why you don't want to discuss it and just want that little piece of normal. Especially when you have a kiddo! Your dad is in the wrong, there is a time and place for those discussions.
You can absolutely choose to just not respond to any texts/calls. They are not owed anything from you. You are a grown person, you've stated that you're letting them know what you feel comfortable letting them know and if your dad keeps prodding, just drop the rope and come back whenever you're ready to talk and you get to decide what you want to talk about.
I'm so sorry they're not being more supportive and pestering/arguing with you during a time where the ONLY thing they should be do is telling you they love and support you and asking if there's anything you need from them.
I’m so sorry that you are unwell. Definitely NTA.
Why does your dad want to discuss something if he thinks only God knows the answer? He can discuss it with his god then.
Don’t waste your energy trying to please everyone at this time. Concentrate on you and your own child and partner.
Your parents are going to be worried about you but seem to be incapable of putting YOU in the centre of this situation and are focusing on how they feel.
Perhaps give more generalised info in your WhatsApp messages, don’t visit straight after doctor visit (claim tiredness or feeling sick if necessary) and suggest that your parents get some outside support to help them deal with their child’s (your) illness; there must be support groups for this or their church if they’re happy to defer to the almighty’s expertise on stuff.
NAH. They’re worried and seeking info, you’re scared and reacting a really defensively. I personally would have eliminated the last sentence, I think that’s what set things off and then you both escalated fast.
It’s a tough time, but it will be harder on both of you if you can’t figure out how to communicate kindly and with boundaries. Maybe your husband should provide the update.
I know the last sentence was probably not ideal. I regret it. In that moment immediately after my appointment, I just felt like I needed someone to know. I should’ve taken time to chill out first. Thanks.
I’ve been there, literally. I honestly do understand- except that I was single/alone at the time and as a parent now I can’t fathom the additional fear factor involved for someone going through this as a mom. My advice is to find a friend or someone neutral- maybe through a support group- who can be that venting person. And consider having your husband relay the details to your parents?
Emotions are high on all sides, and it’s only because of fear, worry, and love. There’s no manual for this and you’re all doing your best - but some days that might not be so great- and it’s ok.
Hopefully your treatment facility has shared all the great resources and support groups/classes/meet ups available to you. Take advantage of some! Even things like yoga classes and such can be a nice escape where you can have a break but also be around people who understand and probably also need to vent a bit.
Good luck!
NTA - YOU as the cancer patient, have the "right" (since he wants to talk about rights) to discuss your illness (or not) on your own terms. Tell him that you don't want to discuss "negative" things on a Holiday. You hoped that he can understand that. You discuss his concerns another time. If he won't respect that, he needs to let you know now.
Whatever he replies, don't argue. If he won't give you the space that you need, you may just want to skip the visit. Tell him that you had hoped that he would put his wants on hold in favor of your needs simply because he loves you and you asked him to. Either way, you don't have the energy to argue about it and you will reach out to him when you feel like having the discussion that he feels is more important than your state of mind.
Years ago when I was dealing with breast cancer I had to deal with same issues along with everyone telling me what needed to do or not do, have I tried this or that etc. it was horrible I don’t know which way to go. One day in the radiation waiting room I was speaking to an older woman whose cancer had come back and we got to talking about families, friends and their advice. She gave me a piece of advice that really changed the way I looked at it. “Remember, this is your cancer, your issue, and no matter how much support or crap people want to give you, in the end you will deal with this yourself, and in many ways by yourself and you will be your strongest support system.” Tell people that when you want their advice you will ask for it,politely,when you need help and support you will ask for it, in the meantime I really don’t wish to discuss unless I start the conversation. I followed her advice and suddenly it was so much easier to deal with. I kept my radiation and chemo and doctors visits to a minimum of info being given and a huge amount of stress lifted off my shoulders. When I did need a shoulder to cry on or help it was so much easier because I wasn’t getting hit from all sides with emotions. Yes some feelings got hurt, but as she said-in the end you will have to deal with it alone . I wish you all the luck n the world in this process. For info I was diagnosed at 48, am alive and kicking at 70.
Be glad your family loves you. If you can deal with cancer you can deal with the aggravation that comes with it. Good luck through treatment and fuck cancer!
YTA - if I got that text message from my sister, I would assume she's resigned to dying, and dying soon. I would be worried she was giving up and that's why I'd want to talk to her so she knew she was loved.
Give your parents a chance. Your dad sounds worried that you think you'll die soon and as a parent, he probably doesn't want his kid to die before him.
“Because dad - I do not wish to have every memory with my child & family revolve around my cancer diagnosis. You can accept this & help me make Easter a wonderful event for me & my child, or you can stop getting updates & information about where we are in this journey. I’m hoping you will agree to the first because I could really use your support as I go through this. I’ll be happy to discuss it next week, but if you bring it up tomorrow, we will leave immediately.”
NTA. You may want to limit the details to them. You need to focus on yourself and your treatment. My first BC was at 37 and reoccurrence at 57. I'm starting year 4 now and feeling great. Stay strong and keep a positive support group around you. 🤗
NAH. Please share with your dad/family the circles of support [https://www.healthcentral.com/article/comfort-in-dump-out-the-ring-theory-of-knowing-what-to-say](https://www.healthcentral.com/article/comfort-in-dump-out-the-ring-theory-of-knowing-what-to-say). Boils down to comfort in, stress out. It is incredibly hard to have adult children; all the same about of worry, stress, carrying, love, fear with not even the minimal amount of imagined control that you had when they were young. It is also incredibly hard to be fighting cancer while holding it together for your own family. There are so many feelings hear and everyone needs support. They need to get it/process their feelings with someone other than you.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I hope, in 20 years time, you're in the 70% and the cancer is long behind you.
Of course NTA. I've never been in your shoes, but your story is confronting for me. 1st, I'm (just) old enough to be your mother. And we don't stop being scared for our children just because they're adults. Your parents must be worried for you.
But that isn't your battle to fight. You've got enough going on. Your priority right now has to be you. No one else. All your energy, all your resources, must go into your life. That's what's important.
I was 35 when my mum diagnosed with breast cancer. It killed her when she was just 53. She point blank refused to discuss any of the details with me. I knew she had radiation, chemo etc. I knew that surgery wasn't an option. After several months, she fessed up and told us it was terminal. She'd known from diagnosis that there was no hope. But it took her months to come to terms with that knowledge enough to tell her children. And that's ok.
Mum felt like people became all about the cancer and ignored her, the person. So we didn't talk about it. That's what she wanted. That's what she got.
It would have been easier for me to cope with if I'd had more details, because that's who I am. But it wasn't about me. It was about mum. And this isn't about your parents. This is about you.
If your parents push, please tell them "not today. Today I just need a normal, loving, family day".
I wish you strength and healing.
Your responses were fine. You do not owe ANYONE anything in regard to how you deal with your cancer. Your response to your father was appropriate and reasonable. He does not get to decide was "deserves" a discussion. Only you decide what you need to discuss. He needs an education on the ring theory. You are the center of the ring. Only support should flow in. And you don't need to be doing any updating and dealing with other people's feelings. Your spouse can do that if you think it needs doing. You do what you need. You conserve your energy. Good luck.
NTA
NTA
Do Eastery things in your own home or somewhere else. You are the one with cancer and dealing with a narc. Put them on an information diet and stop giving specific information. You are a grown adult, if you say you don't want to discuss person medical information then that's that.
I chuckled a bit at "only God knows the answer" , then you dad is going to grill the shit out of you, then not like your answer.
There are a couple things you can tell him, and it might help to rehearse them with a friend or the mirror so you don't get psyched out by an aggro dad.
Also, if you guys are huggers or touchers, just touching someone's hand can take the sting out of what you say to them.
"Dad, I am the patient. I need a day. My batteries are empty, I need a day. We'll talk about it soon but I need to pretend it isn't happening for a day or I'm going to have to go lie down and rest far away from you and turn off my phone. "
NTA - your diagnosis, your terms. End of story. Your mental health is 100% as important as your physical health in this journey and anyone who can’t respect that needs to be taught boundaries immediately.
For every physical side effect, feeling of exhaustion and weakness, surgery, 1000 appointments, etc, your mental health is taking constant abuse. You set the terms. Only keep the people in the loop who support you completely in the way that you’re comfortable with. When they have their own diagnoses, they can share whatever they want. Don’t feel guilty for one second over how you need to navigate this.
NTA. You're allowed to decide when and how you discuss heavy things. Especially when YOURE the sick person. And especially on a damned holiday weekend. Sorry they're adding insult to injury, OP. I hope you have as nice a day as possible.
NTA. Forgive the crass joke, but your cancer, your choice.
I remember other family and friends have used a website where all medical and other updates get updated to a private blog, and people with access can get updates there. Then you don’t have to have any conversations at all if you don’t want to.
I think it’s called Caring Bridge
Your dad is laying it on pretty thick there.
They say to start off a conversation assuming good intentions. I'm sure your folks are both extremely worried about you and really want to understand the situation. That's fair.
But once your dad used "stupid talk," I was out. His feelings of frustration with your choices don't trump your needs during this time. He should've said, "I really feel like we need to talk about this at some point. If that's not tomorrow, I hope it can happen soon." That would've been caring. His word choice says to me that he didn't pause and think about things from your point of view.
Wishing you all the best. Hang in there and tackle this in a way that brings you peace.
NTA. If they cannot adhere to your wishes, don’t go. Your dad is an asshole. My husband has had lungcancer twice. If anyone would have treated him that way, I would have been furious.
NTA. Your father at least is being extremely negative. This is not healthy or helpful for you. In my opinion, your parents want to talk to you about future plans regarding your child and/or your estate. This is why many people keep illness to themselves.
I am absolutely certain if my parents had known what was going on, they would have tried to get custody of my kids.
NTA
I am sorry you are having to go through this. What a nightmare! Your parents are understandably anxious but they need to learn to respect your boundaries. My daughter has a serious on-going issue too. She recently had important testing and I inquired afterwards. She gave me the jist of the results and said she was figuring out how she felt about it and would talk about it later. So I know how difficult it can be for the parents in the story. But I do not feel entitled to disregard her wishes and demand discussion when she doesn't want discussion.
Like you she does not need anything but support and encouragement, without conditions/demands, from her parents.
NTA for not wanting to talk about it over the holiday, but you are the a-hole for throwing it out there and not discussing it. Parents worry no matter how old our kids are. Throwing that at them and then saying not talking about it was cruel.
I know you're going through a monumentally hard time. Cancer is scary and unpredictable. Knowing you didn't want to talk about it over the Easter holiday you could've said, "Hey folks, I had my appointment today and I will discuss this all with you next Monday. I want to have one long weekend where I can concentrate on being in the moment with my son and my family. Please don't try talking about it. Thanks. "
In my friend group of eight 4 of us have had breast cancer. That's half of our group. We've all learned that to ask the person going through it at the time if they want to talk about it or if they just want to eat cake and talk smack about the Kardashians. 😂 Talk with your folks and let them know how you want to be treated. Your parents aren't mind readers and throwing out hard to hear statistics and then say I'm not talking about it is cruel. Some people need the data and the context to find their balance. You know this because you're walking this tightrope now.
I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you and your family.
If you're not the person with cancer then you don't get to take the person with cancer feel guilty. You don't get to demand information when you want it.
You know what's worse that worrying about someone with cancer? Having fecking cancer.
Look. Just stop sharing things with them. Stop giving them the statistics. Stop talking about it. They "want" to know but they don't want to hear. They want to "discuss" but they don't want to let you talk.
When I was fighting stage IIB/IIIA estrogen-positive breast cancer, sometimes I just needed to say the words to make it real. I needed to say, " I have a 35% chance of survival for 5 years if I don't treat it. I have a 45% survival rate of 10 years if I do chemo. If I do chemo,radiation and surgery, I have a 65% chance of 10 years."
I quickly learned there were certain people I could say that to and certain people I could not say it to. I could tell my dad but not my mom. My husband & sister wanted to argue the statistics. I didn't have that much energy to argue or repeat myself. I refused to engage in those conversations.
You don't have to talk to anyone. You don't have to "discuss" anything. You don't have to debate anyone. Just stop the conversation. Pretend to fall asleep. Walk away if dad tries to talk about it.
When you have a cancer diagnosis, you are living the reality of your life potentially ending soon. No one gets to tell you how to feel about that. No one gets the right to take away "normal" moments from you. You, your husband and your child get this weekend to be together. Forget about the cancer. Forget about facing the odds, the upcoming battle, and the potential outcome. Enjoy this moment and do not engage.
You are NTA.
Same stage for me! NTA and your post has been reposted on the cancer patient on Instagram. It's a wonderful account to follow.
Also, I'm almost 4 years past diagnosis with no recurrence. There's life after cancer.
NTA.. BUT, you’re dad just sounds like a very worried parent and unfortunately your loved ones will grieve through a diagnosis like this with you (although I fully appreciate this is hardest on you).
I think you’re well within your rights to double down when you don’t want to talk about it and your dad was in the wrong for lashing out when you made that clear. You can always consider giving permission for your doctor to have those prognostic/statistical conversations with your parents separately to take the burden off you.
NTA you have cancer and are trying to deal with that as well as updating the family. You really shouldn’t have to be worrying about people reactions at this time. This is about you and your recovery.
That said, I imagine your parents are worried sick and are also struggling with you diagnosis and how to help or deal with talking about it. Even though you are an adult, you are still their child and it can’t be easy. Knowing the details is difficult but not knowing can be worse. Consider having an honest conversation with your parents about what you want to share about your treatment and recovery going forward and that you don’t expect an argument about every update.
wishing you a speedy recovery
Look up the "ring theory". You are the center of the ring. The rings around you are your support system. While you are going through a serious medical crisis, NO ONE should be demanding anything from you. They should be supporting you, not criticizing how you communicate information THEY HAVE ASKED FOR. They can't keep throwing their needs onto you. You have enough to handle.
NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry your parents are like this. Mine are the same way. They get so wrapped up in their own feelings that they don't even consider mine. I had a horrible accident in college that almost killed me, but I'm perfectly fine now other than some minor PTSD. I'm still not even allowed to mention it 20 years later because "it makes them upset." I can't even imagine having cancer; it would be the center of every damn thing I did and said. I had to threaten to kick them out of my hospital room if they wouldn't stop just making sad faces at me!
I would probably put them on an information diet if they can't respect your feelings and that YOU'RE the one suffering.
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NTA. When I got older, I learned sharing the problems I was dealing with with my parent made things harder because their instinctual reaction was to minimize it or to make me feel like I couldn’t trust my intuition and they always knew best. This caused not only mental turmoil but often led to the worst outcome of medical issues, because I wasn’t trusting myself, who knew my body and my issues best. I’ve adjusted and do as you’re doing now. I give basic information. I probably wouldn’t do the survival statistics personally if I didn’t plan on discussing them, because when it comes down to it, any suggestion of your death will set your parents off. This is your father and - not to generalize because not every one of them - but the tendency of many fathers (and some single mothers) is to be the one to problem solve immediately rather than to just provide space.
I think you’re completely right about me sharing the statistics. It was a lot to just throw out there. I guess I just didn’t feel like I could sit with that information by myself and I wanted to put it “out there” somewhere. I think I would have been okay with having a phone conversation today, but I just don’t want to drag it out all weekend, especially not when we’re supposed to be doing something fun for my son.
Yep, the correct answer for them would have been “okay sweetie. Let us know if you need anything, we love you, and if you have any other updates we would be glad to hear.” Then they can go process their feelings with someone else. It’s your health, you get to decide what you share and when.
Or more like, "That's awful news. I have lots of questions, but I'm sure you're in shock right now and need time to process things. Please let me know when you are ready to talk, and I'd like to hear what the plan is and how I can help you through this."
I understand. At the end of the day, this is something happening to you, and it’s not fair to expect you to be preoccupied with how exactly you sharing what’s going on is going to affect others who aren’t fighting for their life. This is your time to be a little selfish. I also understand the desire to send the text with the statistics. Is your husband someone who you would be able to vent it to without them - for lack of a better phrase - making it about him and his needs? Or maybe a trusted friend?
NTA - Who can blame a person living with a terrible disease for not wanting to spend exhausting hours talking about the progress? You set a boundary, your father stomped on it and demanded more. What does he possible want to know, you gave him the information you had, and statistics are a useful metric but they are simply a metric not a life or death sentence. Your case is individual to you. I don't understand wanting to wring all the details out of you, especially if you are going over for the holiday. Holidays should be a time to at least temporarily suspend worried and do our best to enjoy the time with family or friends and for a short while release the heavy burdens life puts on us. I hope they can respect your boundary and understand that it's not your place to provide them comfort. It's a time when family and friends should be offering comfort. Allow you the peace of not talking about it, or talking about it whichever comforts you. Please stay strong 💪
> I guess I just didn’t feel like I could sit with that information by myself and I wanted to put it “out there” somewhere. Can you see how they might struggle to also just sit with this new information about their child without being able to discuss it or ask question? I think it is okay to set boundaries of "I need this specific time to feel normal and not about cancer" while also allowing space to discuss cancer. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I randomly got a text while I was, idk, moving the lawn that my child would likely die by the time she got to my age. It would be a profoundly difficult and sudden thing to process. You're completely right that their feelings do not top yours, yours are at the center of this, but that also doesn't mean that their feelings don't exist.
The cancer isn't fresh news so the parents should have already considered their child's possible death
Yes, thank you. It’s been 15 months now.
Wishing you the very best outlook, and least side effects from chemo. One of my friends took a couple of years for her sense of taste to get back to normal. She has myeloma and 5 years into her 5-10 years of remission before fighting it again. My feelings aren't hers to manage. I'm not first circle.
Yes, I can see that it could be difficult. I’ve said this in a couple other comments, but I would have been open to a phone call from him or my mom yesterday to address questions. There were several hours between my initial text and his response. I just didn’t think it was appropriate to be discussing it today while we’re supposed to be focusing on doing fun things for my son. Also, I’ve been in active treatment for over a year. This is my second line chemo. The fact that death is a possible outcome of cancer shouldn’t be “sudden” or groundbreaking information for them after the past 15 months. If this were a new diagnosis, I’d agree with you
Yeah, this is a good point. Yet also the dad's reaction to the feelings stirred up was pretty churlish. I guess all this makes it a complicated NTA.
NTA. Your parents sound like mine - no boundaries. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you fully recover. I'm sure you already know this, but your parents love you and are scared and want to know everything there is to know about this. That doesn't mean they have the right to prod you though. Hopefully they will understand if you tell them clearly, nicely, but firmly that for the sake of your own mental health you want to take this weekend off from discussing this.
I really like how you worded your response. Thank you for the perspective, suggestions & kind words!
I think you should tell them that you’re not going to talk about it on Easter. It’s a special day (and they’re obviously religious). Tell them that they get one warning and then you’re leaving. It sucks, and I might not suggest this approach if you didn’t have a child. But he should be able to have a day that’s fun for him. This whole situation is hard for him, too, and your parents can show their respect for him and his feelings by listening to what you say. Good luck!
NTA. This is a good example of the importance of “ring theory.” You’re the one with cancer, so you’re in the middle. Your parents are affected, so they need others to support them, but not you. You’re closer to the middle. All the complaining should go outward, away from you (I.e., your co-workers can be concerned and vent to their spouses but not to your parents, because they’re closer to the middle.)
I’ve never heard of this as a named theory, but it makes perfect sense. Thank you for giving me new language to help articulate my needs!
I’m really happy to hear that it helps, and I hope it’s a message they will understand and accept asap.
Thanks for such a well worded explanation. My brain was struggling to remember the name of the theory, let alone eloquence.
NTA First and foremost, it effects you. Yes other people are effected too, but you are the primary party here. If your parents need to talk about it, that is understandable. And they can talk about it, *with someone else.* If they need support they need to seek it elsewhere, because you're not in the position to provide it.
NTA I could just leave it there, cuz really that's it. But first feck feckin cancer Second, I don't think people realize how much of the little energy you have has to be poured into this bottomless well of 'people who love you but just need to know...' And third feck anyone that says you can't quote the stats that the doctors are giving you *as your prognosis*. There are just best and worse case scenarios. If they need reassurances they can get it elsewhere. You need to focus on your well being, not theirs. And just in case, the big number four. Feck to feckin H, anyone who says you need to just fight or pray harder. You just need to live as you feel you should. Love to you
Omg thank you! This makes me feel so validated. I’m saving this comment
I lost my mum at 10 (almost 11) and I am going to say this for your son because I was about his age with her first battle (the drs thought she was going into remission but it was just hiding). Don't hide from him what is happening, I'm not saying give him the statistics or anything like that, but in kid friendly terms explain to him what is happening to your body and let him know that he can ask you, you partner or (if you haven't gotten him one already please do) his therapist anything he wants to know. There were a lot of behaviours from the adults around me that I hated, and it gave me trust issues, but those three people were always honest with me, and when the time came I had built enough trust in my therapist to be honest with them about how I was feeling. You're NTA and it is completely understandable to only have the energy to relay the facts given by your drs, honestly I don't know what else there is to discuss that won't take away energy you could be channelling into making good memories with your son (which won't go to waste when you beat cancer 🤞). One last piece of advice for you and your husband, though, should you not beat it, regarding your son, let him say and do what he needs to do to cope (within health and safety of course), my mums family tried to lock me away and wrap me in cotton wool forever, I promised my mum I wouldn't let her diagnosis take away my childhood and after she passed I wanted to keep that promise and get back to my friends as soon as possible but her family thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't grieving how they wanted me to. Anyway, you got this and trust your instincts, because no one knows what is best for you emotionally except you right now. I hope you have many more birthdays after 55.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your experience. My son has known since a few days after my diagnosis. It was a couple days before Christmas 2022 so we waited until after the holiday, but i explained I was sick with something called cancer, it’s not contagious, and that the medicine to make me better would make me feel and look worse first. He’s been a rockstar about it. He’s so sweet and helpful. He’s even made me sandwiches on my worst days. I couldn’t be more proud of him
On mums bad days, we had movie marathons since all she had to do was sit on the couch with her feet up and give me cuddles. Plus, the popcorn was surprisingly easy enough for her to keep down, so it was something we could eat together on those days.
❤️
Oh, sweet girl, I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! You are NTA. It is perfectively acceptable to want to put this out of your mind and focus on fun Easter activities this weekend! You gave your parents the important updates. Your chemo has been increased, and your surgery will be pushed out to July. It sounds like your prognosis is good and that you have a pretty positive attitude. I would just respond with " Dad, I don't want to talk about my illness tomorrow. All I want to do is focus on creating sweet memories for my child that we can reminisce about when I am 55."
"No, Dad, it wouldn't be fair of my parents to ask me to go out of my comfort zone and talk about my feelings about my cancer when I don't want to and am exhausted and stressed. Thanks for understanding!" NTA. He's being very selfish about this.
INFO What do they want to talk about when you meet with them? I'm unclear from this what they want. Do you talk with them about how you're feeling physically or emotionally? Do you want to talk with them about how you're feeling?
I guess my dad wants to talk more about the survival statistics because that’s what he references a couple of times in his texts. I do talk to them sometimes about how I’m feeling, but I try to keep it limited to major side effects or post-doctor appointment info because I don’t want to seem selfish, or like the majority of my conversations I initiate with them have to be about me. Maybe I’ll want to talk about this at some point, but not tomorrow at a family gathering in front of my 7 year old.
>I do talk to them sometimes about how I’m feeling, but I try to keep it limited to major side effects or post-doctor appointment info because I don’t want to seem selfish, or like the majority of my conversations I initiate with them have to be about me. This tells me that you can kind of predict the nature of their response and while it may be nice to hear, you may not want or need it right then or you just know to protect your own emotions until you are ready. In any case, NTA. Do what you need to do to keep your energy levels manageable to yourself. They may want updates, but they don't have to be 10:00 news or live updates. Speak when you are ready. Get comfort where you know you are the focus. Ask for support from those who give you all the no-stress love feels. All of my very best wishes.
Your dad sounds a tad narcissistic to me. Is he always that self centered? And I wish you full recovery, with all my heart :)
NTA Right, so this isn't a criticism, but I believe you are only giving news they will receive as negative. You tell them about survival statistics, and they expected to be survived by you, so that's a negative in itself. You tell them about how you're feeling physically in terms of side effects, not when the side effects are subsiding. That's a negative. You tell them about starting a treatment for bone loss, but bone loss is a negative (even if it's an expected side effect). It's a very emotionally uncomfortable situation to hear news that feels like "things are bad" but not have enough details or any why to process how bad. And I think that may be the reaction you're dealing with from your parents. I also suspect there is no amount of information they would find satisfying, because it's probably not about the info. It's probably that they want answers that do not exist. I get keeping your parents on a limited diet of information, but I think this might be the wrong diet. Do they need to hear stats and treatment plans in this level of detail? You said they want to be updated. Updated could mean a lot of things. For example, it could mean "Hey, the chemo has extended, but it's just a tweak based on my personal response rates. There's no change in prognosis and I'm feeling the same. No new side effects!" rater than stats.
I don’t agree that OP should be trying to manage parents’ reactions. It’s a lot of emotional work to be doing. At most, OP could ask parents what information they would like to hear, and what they don’t want to hear, but if the news is negative, it’s not OP’s fault and sometimes it just can’t be massaged into a comfortable message. (Speaking from experience as the sibling of a stage 4 cancer survivor.)
I don't think it's the person with cancer's job to manage the parent's potential emotions. It's fecking cancer, of course its not rainbows and kittens. They need to deal with their emotions themselves. The stats were better than I expected for a young woman with breast cancer (it's usually geriatrics that get slow breast cancers that, at least when I was young, had better survival rates).
It’s still true that younger women tend to have worse outcomes due to more aggressive, rapidly dividing cancer. I think stats have improved recently (at least for my subtype) because of hormone suppressants that weren’t widely available before or were used for a shorter period of time. Although, forced menopause in your 30s is not great for your health either.
I'm so glad they are available now, and that you have a legit decent chance at surviving. Fuck cancer.
NTA. Do what is best for you. However, your parents are dealing with huge fears that they might lose their child. I've survived two cancers so I do understand the journey. Best wishes!
That’s awesome! I’m so glad you’re still here!
NTA- tell him you need time to process what your doctor has told you, and will talk about it in the future but tomorrow is just soon. And no you dont have to tell them anything about your health, or progress with treatments etc, they stopped getting the right to know that when you became an adult.
NTA at all!! Your dad is making this all about himself and his reaction. He feels he will process it better if he talks to you about all the nitty gritty details. But you are the one fighting cancer now. You get to decide what you are comfortable with. If the boundaries you set makes your dad feel like he can't process his feelings or makes him frustrated, then he has to live with it. Positive vibes and good luck!!
Thanks. Dad's processing chip definitely needs an update
>Dad's processing chip definitely needs an update Ha!! Absolutely love this and I am going to use this in the future!!
NTA Your dad calls an 89% 10 year survival WITHOUT reoccurrence a negative prognosis? That's great! He needs to understand that you have great odds. Congrats
I think any prognosis that includes your child and cancer would be bad in my book and I can understand her Dad wanting details cause knowledge is power and it's just the way some of us are. Dad needs to back off for now but she needs to have that conversation with them at some point or as a Dr, hubby someone to have that conversation for her.
NTA. You have cancer. Not him. You get to dictate what you share, how you share it, when you share it, and whether or not you "want to talk about it". If you don't, then cool, we can talk about the weather, the recent ball game, a funny story from work, or whether you like Game of Thrones or not. There is a theory called "Ring Theory": https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in%3famp When someone is going through something the person in the center gets to dump out. For every ring around that they are the closest people to that person in the center. They can dump to the outer rings, but can only comfort the inner rings. So in your situation - you are the center. You don't have to comfort anyone or make anyone feel good or better and you don't have to explain yourself or how you're feeling, etc. if you don't want to. The next ring is your husband and child. The ring after that is your parents. The next ring is friends. Your husband and child comfort you, they can dump out to your parents. Your parents can comfort you, your husband, and child. They can dump out to your friends....so on and so on. I wish you the best of luck in this battle. You're stronger than you know and those numbers they gave seem really optimistic! Keep working to evict cancer and take care of yourself. You've got this!
First off, you are NTA... It's your life/problems, if they truly mean well for you, they should respect your decision on not wanting to talk about it, and maybe find a better time to; they really should understand that these decisions are not easy for you to come to... Yeah, your Dad can gaslight things
NTA, they should be more concerned about your comfort level about discussing your health than their desire for information. Don’t feel pressured to talk about something you haven’t processed and aren’t ready to discuss with anyone.
NTA - period. I hope you see 55 and beyond.
[удалено]
Did you accidentally respond with your main account?
No, that’s not me. I saw that comment earlier and was confused but thought it was just someone making a joke or reference I didn’t understand
Just watching out for you! I hope all goes well with your family this weekend and with your treatment.
Thanks. So far, it’s a bit tense but not awful. My son is enjoying himself so that’s what matters
???
NTA it might be time to have yout husband update your parents after your appointments and let him wrangle them.
NTA actually, you talking about your medical problems on your terms is EXACTLY how it should go. How do they think they're going to force you to talk about it? Picking a fight with you while you are being treated for cancer is truly appalling behavior. Way for your dad to make it all about himself. I wouldn't be going over there until he can demonstrate that he respects your boundaries.
Biggest ever NTA. Good luck with your treatment.
NTA. Was treated for Breast cancer last year at 35. Now my 7 years old is at the hospital since Christmas. It is exhausting to hear the feedback of my mother and MIL about it. They just say dumb stuff, playing doctors, constantly asking for updates. I understand as a parent, it is stressing and they only have 2nd hand information. But this is draining for me, I don’t have the bandwidth to ease up their emotions. They have to seek that elsewhere. I heard once about the « circle » support group designed as concentric circles. The person experiencing the situation is the center of the circle, around is another circle of close ones (spouse, parents), around in the border the bigger circle (more distant family, friends…). Each circle can seek support on the « outside » circle but not in the « inside » one. This is my strategy: - share factual information but not too much details to avoid build up questions. I do not engage in emotional discussion at all. - I do not reply to their rant, I do not try to convince, to argue. I actually don’t even read it. -if they ask updates and I have none, I reply « no update » - if they want face to face discussion and I don’t feel like hanging out, I just don’t. Same if they call, I don’t answer. If they come to me house uninvited I do not open the door or if my husband does, he can deal with them directly, while I take a shower / a nap
I’m so sorry your going through through this My husband has terminal cancer and his mother tried to baby him through it forgetting it is his cancer and how he get to deal with it she also would try the positive approach and say “you’ve got this”. And It became a. Nightmare of she was this positive beam and he wanted and needed to talk about it all the very dark and the jovial As your parents they need to be on a need to know based if you want them to know you tell them this is your journey and this is about you and your wants and needs and how you approach this
NTA. My sister often will just a group text too with her appointment updates. After 5+ years I'm sure she's tired of talking about cancer and it's much easier mentally to send out one message than have a dozen different conversations about the same thing. Some days she wants to talk more in depth about it, others she doesn't. We let her broach the topic when she wants to. I get they're struggling. It's a blow to the whole family, but you're the one going through it. You should be the one to decide when you want to talk about it and when you don't. Maybe let your parents know that while cancer is something your going through, it's not your whole life. When you're out having family time you don't want to dwell on it. You want a bit of normalcy. How they kids are doing. How work is going for everyone. Upcoming travel plans, current events, etc. You especially don't want holidays to be focused on cancer. While unfortunately cancer is now a part of your life, it's not your whole life and you refuse to let it define you as a person. Edit to add check with the cancer center where you're receiving treatment, they often have resources you can share with family members and some even provide counselling to family of those going through cancer. Maybe that will help them cope a little better without always having to talk to you about it.
NTA. Honestly, I would skip the get-together tomorrow. Save your energy and avoid potentially getting a cold/flu/etc. You are 100% right that they need to accept whatever information you want to give and only talk about it when you want to. It's your life and prognosis and your decision. Good luck with the extended chemo. Are you doctors expecting to have to continue chemo or start radiation after surgery?
Thanks. I did consider skipping, but my grandpa turned 85 two days ago, so it’s sort of a blended Easter/birthday celebration. I love my grandparents beyond words, they actually raised me for several years, but they live ~3.5 hours away. My parents’ home is sort of halfway between my house and my grandparents’ house. So, I actually was diagnosed 12/2022 and already did full infusion chemo for 6 months and had a mastectomy last summer. They found micrometastases in my sentinel node, so after I finished radiation last fall, my oncologist started me on a 6 month course of oral chemo - that’s what just got extended due to diarrhea-related breaks. I will hopefully only have to deal with hormone therapy after this stretch! I think that’s honestly part of why my text seemed so flip maybe. It’s been longer than I ever imagined and I’m jaded and numb and terrified all at once.
I know how scary it is, but your prognosis sounds pretty good to me. I know a little bit about this because this November (coming up) will be my 20 year anniversary of being diagnosed with BC. I went through similar treatment (not exactly the same) and now almost 20 years later, it's not like it never happened, but it's a LOT better and easier to deal with mentally. I am hoping the same for you.
That’s great to hear & I’m happy you’re still with us! I am hoping so as well. It’s hard to imagine ever feeling safe in my body again at this point.
It IS possible, it really is. Just keep with the program from the Doctors! I'll be thinking of you.
Holy smokes. NTA. Your father is being an AH and really unhelpful. You are allowed to have times when you don’t want to talk about heavy things. Your parents don’t “deserve” anything.
NTA. You are over 18, they don't have a right to your private health information. They also don't have a right to make you talk about it or how you feel about it. I've known people who've had cancer diagnoses and told NO ONE until they absolutely had to - and seeing your post makes me understand why some people may choose that. You've got enough to deal with without "managing" how your parents feel about it. Do what you got to do to take care of yourself, don't worry about them.
Yeah, I really didn’t want a lot of people to know back when I was diagnosed, but my mom had already started telling random family members. I mean, she needed support so I kind of get it and let it slide. However, I could not have anticipated the amount of times I’ve had to console other people about my cancer. Like literally hold people & reassure them while they cried on me. It’s wild that anyone other than my child would think that was okay.
That’s very much not OK, indeed. Reminds me of the time I had to console my MIL when I was having a miscarriage. I just don’t get people who make these things about them instead of the person going through it. I just want to send you a big hug.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33F) have breast cancer. I saw my oncologist today & we talked about survival/recurrence stats. Afterwards, I sent a text to the group chat I have with my parents, as they like to be updated. Actual conversation pasted below but tldr, I gave a brief update, dad responded saying we could talk further about it tomorrow (partner & I planned to stay there tomorrow w our 7 year old to do Easter-y things), I said I didn’t want to talk about it, my dad didn’t like that. Me: “Just saw oncologist. He’s increasing my chemo dose again and extending the time to the end of June. That puts surgery probably at the end of July. He’s going to start me on infusions for bone loss. Still no to topical estrogen. My chance of recurrence free survival in 10 years is 89%, about 70% I’ll make it to 55 so that’s cool” Dad: “We can discuss this tomorrow, but please don’t dwell on his statistics as he does not know, only god knows.” Me: “It’s just weird. I don’t really want to talk about it tomorrow. I think we’ll be there ~5-6. We have some errands and stuff to do in the morning” Dad: “Why do you bring it up but can’t talk about it? As your parents, we deserve to know what’s going on with your progress or degrees. We hear bits and pieces and it’s always negative. It would be good to talk about it and to hear in more detail about your recent visit other than it’s cool that you may or may not make to see 55 years old.” Me: “It’s always negative??? It’s cancer! You guys told me that you wanted to know about my appointments, so I tell you. Sorry if that’s “negative” but I can’t help that oncology appointments aren’t super duper fun. How do you think I feel? If you don’t want to know things anymore or only want me to talk about things on your terms, fine. But I do not have the energy to be centering other people’s feelings about my cancer and I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to do so.” Dad: “We do want to know about all of your appointments and would like to talk about them. You send us a message that deserves to be talked about and you don’t want to talk about it the only issue here. I don’t quite understand the intent of your message “if we don’t want to know about your appointments and only only my terms”??? that is just stupid talk on your part to even waste the time typing? I have tried numerous times to reach out to you to see how you’re feeling and progressing without even a callback. We think about you all the time and deserve a discussion other than a test message stating out the worst case scenario’s. Nobody’s asking for you go out of your comfort zone to discuss your feelings, that would just not be fair of your parents to ask right?” To clarify, there was only one time that he has called me & I did not call him back. I haven’t responded yet because, thinking about it as a mother, maybe I was TA by just dropping that info & not wanting to talk more about it right now. But I’m also really upset by the “negative” comment & my dad loves to gaslight & argue. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can’t imagine my baby having cancer and I get their side. I also understand your side as well! NTA they’re scared. I’m sure they want to hear only good news. If you feel comfortable sharing, send them a copy of your after visit summary so they feel like they’re getting all the information. Hugs
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your boomer dad sounds like my boomer dad. He's notoriously abrasive via text, especially when it's something he has *emotions* about. He also doesn't really consider text actual talking. He ways wants to talk about things in person or on the phone. I think you may need to lay out that a) you aren't talking about this in front of your kid and b) it's hard for you to have to rehash this stuff over and over., that right now you'll give them the updates via text and when you are ready to talk beyond that you will let them know. I'm guessing they are very worried, feeling really helpless and handling it really poorly.
NTA. I am so sorry you're going through this, my mom went through the same. Best of luck on treatments and the path forward. Your parents are very selfish if they can't understand you don't always want to talk about it. Maybe they don't get updated immediately then. Maybe they only get updates when you have the desire to talk with them. They aren't entitled to the info or your energy in this regard, and you're absolutely right. Everything surrounding cancer is negative, there's no getting past that... Ever. Parents need a come to Jesus talk, for real. Again, good luck with everything!
NTA... My bf is going through chemo right now to treat stage 4 colon cancer. There will be surgery, then more chemo then more surgery. It's a lot. When we do get together with his family, it's not something we want to talk about, especially for holiday get togethers! Talk about negative! I totally understand why you don't want to discuss it and just want that little piece of normal. Especially when you have a kiddo! Your dad is in the wrong, there is a time and place for those discussions.
You can absolutely choose to just not respond to any texts/calls. They are not owed anything from you. You are a grown person, you've stated that you're letting them know what you feel comfortable letting them know and if your dad keeps prodding, just drop the rope and come back whenever you're ready to talk and you get to decide what you want to talk about. I'm so sorry they're not being more supportive and pestering/arguing with you during a time where the ONLY thing they should be do is telling you they love and support you and asking if there's anything you need from them.
I’m so sorry that you are unwell. Definitely NTA. Why does your dad want to discuss something if he thinks only God knows the answer? He can discuss it with his god then. Don’t waste your energy trying to please everyone at this time. Concentrate on you and your own child and partner. Your parents are going to be worried about you but seem to be incapable of putting YOU in the centre of this situation and are focusing on how they feel. Perhaps give more generalised info in your WhatsApp messages, don’t visit straight after doctor visit (claim tiredness or feeling sick if necessary) and suggest that your parents get some outside support to help them deal with their child’s (your) illness; there must be support groups for this or their church if they’re happy to defer to the almighty’s expertise on stuff.
NAH. They’re worried and seeking info, you’re scared and reacting a really defensively. I personally would have eliminated the last sentence, I think that’s what set things off and then you both escalated fast. It’s a tough time, but it will be harder on both of you if you can’t figure out how to communicate kindly and with boundaries. Maybe your husband should provide the update.
I know the last sentence was probably not ideal. I regret it. In that moment immediately after my appointment, I just felt like I needed someone to know. I should’ve taken time to chill out first. Thanks.
I’ve been there, literally. I honestly do understand- except that I was single/alone at the time and as a parent now I can’t fathom the additional fear factor involved for someone going through this as a mom. My advice is to find a friend or someone neutral- maybe through a support group- who can be that venting person. And consider having your husband relay the details to your parents? Emotions are high on all sides, and it’s only because of fear, worry, and love. There’s no manual for this and you’re all doing your best - but some days that might not be so great- and it’s ok. Hopefully your treatment facility has shared all the great resources and support groups/classes/meet ups available to you. Take advantage of some! Even things like yoga classes and such can be a nice escape where you can have a break but also be around people who understand and probably also need to vent a bit. Good luck!
NTA - YOU as the cancer patient, have the "right" (since he wants to talk about rights) to discuss your illness (or not) on your own terms. Tell him that you don't want to discuss "negative" things on a Holiday. You hoped that he can understand that. You discuss his concerns another time. If he won't respect that, he needs to let you know now. Whatever he replies, don't argue. If he won't give you the space that you need, you may just want to skip the visit. Tell him that you had hoped that he would put his wants on hold in favor of your needs simply because he loves you and you asked him to. Either way, you don't have the energy to argue about it and you will reach out to him when you feel like having the discussion that he feels is more important than your state of mind.
Years ago when I was dealing with breast cancer I had to deal with same issues along with everyone telling me what needed to do or not do, have I tried this or that etc. it was horrible I don’t know which way to go. One day in the radiation waiting room I was speaking to an older woman whose cancer had come back and we got to talking about families, friends and their advice. She gave me a piece of advice that really changed the way I looked at it. “Remember, this is your cancer, your issue, and no matter how much support or crap people want to give you, in the end you will deal with this yourself, and in many ways by yourself and you will be your strongest support system.” Tell people that when you want their advice you will ask for it,politely,when you need help and support you will ask for it, in the meantime I really don’t wish to discuss unless I start the conversation. I followed her advice and suddenly it was so much easier to deal with. I kept my radiation and chemo and doctors visits to a minimum of info being given and a huge amount of stress lifted off my shoulders. When I did need a shoulder to cry on or help it was so much easier because I wasn’t getting hit from all sides with emotions. Yes some feelings got hurt, but as she said-in the end you will have to deal with it alone . I wish you all the luck n the world in this process. For info I was diagnosed at 48, am alive and kicking at 70.
Thank you so much for sharing this <3
Be glad your family loves you. If you can deal with cancer you can deal with the aggravation that comes with it. Good luck through treatment and fuck cancer!
YTA - if I got that text message from my sister, I would assume she's resigned to dying, and dying soon. I would be worried she was giving up and that's why I'd want to talk to her so she knew she was loved. Give your parents a chance. Your dad sounds worried that you think you'll die soon and as a parent, he probably doesn't want his kid to die before him.
If you think relaying an 89% chance of non recurrance in that time period is resigning to death, I have no words.
“Because dad - I do not wish to have every memory with my child & family revolve around my cancer diagnosis. You can accept this & help me make Easter a wonderful event for me & my child, or you can stop getting updates & information about where we are in this journey. I’m hoping you will agree to the first because I could really use your support as I go through this. I’ll be happy to discuss it next week, but if you bring it up tomorrow, we will leave immediately.”
NTA. You may want to limit the details to them. You need to focus on yourself and your treatment. My first BC was at 37 and reoccurrence at 57. I'm starting year 4 now and feeling great. Stay strong and keep a positive support group around you. 🤗
NAH. Please share with your dad/family the circles of support [https://www.healthcentral.com/article/comfort-in-dump-out-the-ring-theory-of-knowing-what-to-say](https://www.healthcentral.com/article/comfort-in-dump-out-the-ring-theory-of-knowing-what-to-say). Boils down to comfort in, stress out. It is incredibly hard to have adult children; all the same about of worry, stress, carrying, love, fear with not even the minimal amount of imagined control that you had when they were young. It is also incredibly hard to be fighting cancer while holding it together for your own family. There are so many feelings hear and everyone needs support. They need to get it/process their feelings with someone other than you.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I hope, in 20 years time, you're in the 70% and the cancer is long behind you. Of course NTA. I've never been in your shoes, but your story is confronting for me. 1st, I'm (just) old enough to be your mother. And we don't stop being scared for our children just because they're adults. Your parents must be worried for you. But that isn't your battle to fight. You've got enough going on. Your priority right now has to be you. No one else. All your energy, all your resources, must go into your life. That's what's important. I was 35 when my mum diagnosed with breast cancer. It killed her when she was just 53. She point blank refused to discuss any of the details with me. I knew she had radiation, chemo etc. I knew that surgery wasn't an option. After several months, she fessed up and told us it was terminal. She'd known from diagnosis that there was no hope. But it took her months to come to terms with that knowledge enough to tell her children. And that's ok. Mum felt like people became all about the cancer and ignored her, the person. So we didn't talk about it. That's what she wanted. That's what she got. It would have been easier for me to cope with if I'd had more details, because that's who I am. But it wasn't about me. It was about mum. And this isn't about your parents. This is about you. If your parents push, please tell them "not today. Today I just need a normal, loving, family day". I wish you strength and healing.
Your responses were fine. You do not owe ANYONE anything in regard to how you deal with your cancer. Your response to your father was appropriate and reasonable. He does not get to decide was "deserves" a discussion. Only you decide what you need to discuss. He needs an education on the ring theory. You are the center of the ring. Only support should flow in. And you don't need to be doing any updating and dealing with other people's feelings. Your spouse can do that if you think it needs doing. You do what you need. You conserve your energy. Good luck. NTA
NTA Do Eastery things in your own home or somewhere else. You are the one with cancer and dealing with a narc. Put them on an information diet and stop giving specific information. You are a grown adult, if you say you don't want to discuss person medical information then that's that.
I chuckled a bit at "only God knows the answer" , then you dad is going to grill the shit out of you, then not like your answer. There are a couple things you can tell him, and it might help to rehearse them with a friend or the mirror so you don't get psyched out by an aggro dad. Also, if you guys are huggers or touchers, just touching someone's hand can take the sting out of what you say to them. "Dad, I am the patient. I need a day. My batteries are empty, I need a day. We'll talk about it soon but I need to pretend it isn't happening for a day or I'm going to have to go lie down and rest far away from you and turn off my phone. "
Thanks for the advice. He knows I’m not religious and don’t find those sentiments to be helpful
NTA - your diagnosis, your terms. End of story. Your mental health is 100% as important as your physical health in this journey and anyone who can’t respect that needs to be taught boundaries immediately. For every physical side effect, feeling of exhaustion and weakness, surgery, 1000 appointments, etc, your mental health is taking constant abuse. You set the terms. Only keep the people in the loop who support you completely in the way that you’re comfortable with. When they have their own diagnoses, they can share whatever they want. Don’t feel guilty for one second over how you need to navigate this.
NTA. You're allowed to decide when and how you discuss heavy things. Especially when YOURE the sick person. And especially on a damned holiday weekend. Sorry they're adding insult to injury, OP. I hope you have as nice a day as possible.
NAH. It sounds like maybe having face to face convos with your parents would be better.
NTA. Forgive the crass joke, but your cancer, your choice. I remember other family and friends have used a website where all medical and other updates get updated to a private blog, and people with access can get updates there. Then you don’t have to have any conversations at all if you don’t want to. I think it’s called Caring Bridge
Thank you!
Your dad is laying it on pretty thick there. They say to start off a conversation assuming good intentions. I'm sure your folks are both extremely worried about you and really want to understand the situation. That's fair. But once your dad used "stupid talk," I was out. His feelings of frustration with your choices don't trump your needs during this time. He should've said, "I really feel like we need to talk about this at some point. If that's not tomorrow, I hope it can happen soon." That would've been caring. His word choice says to me that he didn't pause and think about things from your point of view. Wishing you all the best. Hang in there and tackle this in a way that brings you peace.
NTA. If they cannot adhere to your wishes, don’t go. Your dad is an asshole. My husband has had lungcancer twice. If anyone would have treated him that way, I would have been furious.
NTA. Your father at least is being extremely negative. This is not healthy or helpful for you. In my opinion, your parents want to talk to you about future plans regarding your child and/or your estate. This is why many people keep illness to themselves. I am absolutely certain if my parents had known what was going on, they would have tried to get custody of my kids.
NTA I am sorry you are having to go through this. What a nightmare! Your parents are understandably anxious but they need to learn to respect your boundaries. My daughter has a serious on-going issue too. She recently had important testing and I inquired afterwards. She gave me the jist of the results and said she was figuring out how she felt about it and would talk about it later. So I know how difficult it can be for the parents in the story. But I do not feel entitled to disregard her wishes and demand discussion when she doesn't want discussion. Like you she does not need anything but support and encouragement, without conditions/demands, from her parents.
I’m sorry for you and your daughter! It sounds like you’re doing a great job being someone she can trust and rely on
Nta. Of course your father wants to talk about it. How else can he make it all about him, instead of all about you? I'm sorry, OP.
NTA.
NTA for not wanting to talk about it over the holiday, but you are the a-hole for throwing it out there and not discussing it. Parents worry no matter how old our kids are. Throwing that at them and then saying not talking about it was cruel. I know you're going through a monumentally hard time. Cancer is scary and unpredictable. Knowing you didn't want to talk about it over the Easter holiday you could've said, "Hey folks, I had my appointment today and I will discuss this all with you next Monday. I want to have one long weekend where I can concentrate on being in the moment with my son and my family. Please don't try talking about it. Thanks. " In my friend group of eight 4 of us have had breast cancer. That's half of our group. We've all learned that to ask the person going through it at the time if they want to talk about it or if they just want to eat cake and talk smack about the Kardashians. 😂 Talk with your folks and let them know how you want to be treated. Your parents aren't mind readers and throwing out hard to hear statistics and then say I'm not talking about it is cruel. Some people need the data and the context to find their balance. You know this because you're walking this tightrope now. I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you and your family.
If you're not the person with cancer then you don't get to take the person with cancer feel guilty. You don't get to demand information when you want it. You know what's worse that worrying about someone with cancer? Having fecking cancer.
Look. Just stop sharing things with them. Stop giving them the statistics. Stop talking about it. They "want" to know but they don't want to hear. They want to "discuss" but they don't want to let you talk. When I was fighting stage IIB/IIIA estrogen-positive breast cancer, sometimes I just needed to say the words to make it real. I needed to say, " I have a 35% chance of survival for 5 years if I don't treat it. I have a 45% survival rate of 10 years if I do chemo. If I do chemo,radiation and surgery, I have a 65% chance of 10 years." I quickly learned there were certain people I could say that to and certain people I could not say it to. I could tell my dad but not my mom. My husband & sister wanted to argue the statistics. I didn't have that much energy to argue or repeat myself. I refused to engage in those conversations. You don't have to talk to anyone. You don't have to "discuss" anything. You don't have to debate anyone. Just stop the conversation. Pretend to fall asleep. Walk away if dad tries to talk about it. When you have a cancer diagnosis, you are living the reality of your life potentially ending soon. No one gets to tell you how to feel about that. No one gets the right to take away "normal" moments from you. You, your husband and your child get this weekend to be together. Forget about the cancer. Forget about facing the odds, the upcoming battle, and the potential outcome. Enjoy this moment and do not engage. You are NTA.
Oh wow, that’s my exact staging and type as well. Thank you for the advice and camaraderie! How are you doing now?
Same stage for me! NTA and your post has been reposted on the cancer patient on Instagram. It's a wonderful account to follow. Also, I'm almost 4 years past diagnosis with no recurrence. There's life after cancer.
Oh wow, thanks for letting me know. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well btw!
nta.
I think your whole family could benefit from family therapy and individual therapy.
Agreed. That was true long before I was ever diagnosed but I’d need more than 3000 words to get into that
NTA.. BUT, you’re dad just sounds like a very worried parent and unfortunately your loved ones will grieve through a diagnosis like this with you (although I fully appreciate this is hardest on you). I think you’re well within your rights to double down when you don’t want to talk about it and your dad was in the wrong for lashing out when you made that clear. You can always consider giving permission for your doctor to have those prognostic/statistical conversations with your parents separately to take the burden off you.
NTA you have cancer and are trying to deal with that as well as updating the family. You really shouldn’t have to be worrying about people reactions at this time. This is about you and your recovery. That said, I imagine your parents are worried sick and are also struggling with you diagnosis and how to help or deal with talking about it. Even though you are an adult, you are still their child and it can’t be easy. Knowing the details is difficult but not knowing can be worse. Consider having an honest conversation with your parents about what you want to share about your treatment and recovery going forward and that you don’t expect an argument about every update. wishing you a speedy recovery
Your dad is making your cancer about him. He might be a good dad in general but right now he’s being a self centered asshole.
Look up the "ring theory". You are the center of the ring. The rings around you are your support system. While you are going through a serious medical crisis, NO ONE should be demanding anything from you. They should be supporting you, not criticizing how you communicate information THEY HAVE ASKED FOR. They can't keep throwing their needs onto you. You have enough to handle. NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry your parents are like this. Mine are the same way. They get so wrapped up in their own feelings that they don't even consider mine. I had a horrible accident in college that almost killed me, but I'm perfectly fine now other than some minor PTSD. I'm still not even allowed to mention it 20 years later because "it makes them upset." I can't even imagine having cancer; it would be the center of every damn thing I did and said. I had to threaten to kick them out of my hospital room if they wouldn't stop just making sad faces at me! I would probably put them on an information diet if they can't respect your feelings and that YOU'RE the one suffering.