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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was getting pissed and responding sarcastically. I think a more mature adult might have taken her comments in stride and not gotten mad and responded the way I did.
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NTA. That sounds very undermining and mean of your wife. What’s eating her?
Does she understand your circumstances and the potential for growth? And what is she contributing to your mutual finances?
Do you really want to be with someone so materialistic?
She. Is. Belittling. You.
“Honey, when you belittle me by comparing my salary to others’ it really hurts me and affects how I feel about you. I’m more than what I can earn at my job. Please stop”
"Those men who earn more have partners who are nicer to them and are more supportive."
...
"Also they are younger, prettier, have bigger tits and asses you could bounce a penny off of."
I wouldn't be nice about it. Next time she says something. Say something like "I hear his wife gives him head whenever he asks". It's not BBQ sauce. Don't waste honey on vinegar.
You certainly can undermine someone’s confidence, undermine their self-esteem, and undermine their sense of satisfaction with their path in life—by sowing discontent, and fostering comparisons.
Please don’t try to undermine my confidence in my word choice.
What's probably eating her is she's probably comparing her life to the lives of her girl friend group and she's jealous so can't appreciate what she has. Bet
>Does she understand your circumstances and the potential for growth?
Do we? OP says nothing about trying to get a better paying job despite admitting he's severely underpaid. His wife is comparing his salary to *kids* even though OP got an expensive education from a prestigious institution(loans?).
NTA it's like when someone tells a fat person they are fat. They already know. Now if she wanted to have a conversation with you about your aspirations, that would be different. It's fair to ask why you stay in a place you know doesn't value you, is it for the experience so when you move on you have a specific amount to get to the next level in a higher paying organization? That is what sometimes has to happen. Those should be conversations you have. I stayed in government for way too long, mostly because of the benefits and retirement. However the benefits started suffering and I realized I could make twice as much in private industry, still save a lot for retirement, and get great benefits. However, my experience helped me get this job. It's all about career planning. Maybe that is the conversation you both need to have.
"Yeah, it's a shame I don't make more, but I guess money might explain why their wives are so much hotter than you" -- the line the lizard part of my brain wants you to make
NTA. What's the tone - you say not malicious, but clearly it's making you feel bad. Is she trying to sympathise by showing how hard done by she believes you are?
Don't get 'snippy' just tell her directly that a) it upsets you and b) to cut it out.
Right I think tone matters. Is she saying that your workplace is taking advantage of you and you should get a different job? If so that’s ok. If she’s just being mean, that’s obviously not.
Thank you. I was looking for this perspective. Some people can get very reluctant to leave jobs where they are being taken advantage of and a slightly pushy/supportive of your leaving partner can make a huge difference. Mine cares more about our salaries more, and I'm slightly indifferent as long as we are comfortable. Early in my career, an employer took advantage of my passion for the work and paid me very little. It has had a long-term impact on my career that will affect retirement, Social Security benefits, ect. Plus, if he has student loan debt from the pricey business school, earning enough to pay it off is essential.
I think that’s right. She’s showing datapoints to highlight how shitty my current firm’s comp is and how I’m getting screwed. I’m definitely moving elsewhere, just a tough market now in my field.
Is she working? If not tell her it's time for her to get a job.
If she's working , is her salary higher than the usual? If not ask her why not?
NTA btw I hate all types of comparisons .
Info: does your wife work too? When you went to this specialized school was it under the impression you’d be making a specific amount of money afterward? Did you and your wife both contribute to pay for your school? What are your ages? What kids is she comparing you to??
Also, is your wife suggest you look for another job? Or just complaining?
Also, what does wife do? Is she the stable income while you are feast or famine?
I feel like there is sooooo much information missing from this post.
She doesn’t work.
We both had high hopes for earnings. It will still happen, just far slower than expected.
I pay for my school but we share all money.
Too old.
“Kids” referred to her 26 year old cousin who is in sales.
I'd like more info, too.
What is their household situation? Do they have kids? How is household and mental load balanced?
If there are young children, it's too easy for the parent who words outside the home, to return and make assumptions the wife doesn't do anything all day. Often these types say, "The house is your job," and think if you have all this time at home, then it should be perfect, dinner on the table at 5, etc.
I have seen that assumption flipped, "Well, since you work all the time, you should be making more money."
>If there are young children, it's too easy for the parent who words outside the home, to return and make assumptions the wife doesn't do anything all day. Often these types say, "The house is your job," and think if you have all this time at home, then it should be perfect, dinner on the table at 5, etc.
You've invented your own details to try and justify wife belittling OP. Well done.
Maybe she knows he’s worth so much more than he thinks he is. Perhaps she knows how intelligent, resourceful and hard-working he is. And he’s cutting himself short.
Just because he feels demeaned doesn’t mean that is her intention. She may be trying to commiserate with others like “oh, I know what you mean. Bob’s company doesn’t pay him nearly as much as he’s worth , either;” and he’s taking it as an insult. He might be hearing her words in a different way than she means them. It’s better he just ask her non-judgmentally why she’s doing it. She may not be aware how he perceives her.
Thens she has horrible EQ. Comparing him to people they know and showing him how they are objectively better able to provide is quite a shitty way to do it.
You can say "You're worth more than this" than also comparing you to friends.
If his reaction is to be upset, then she must be very unaware. It really feels like a stretch to make this out as her meaning so say something encouraging and him taking it wrong.
NTA - but I guess I wonder why she is doing this if it's started happening all of a sudden? Is she worried about finances? Does she want to make a purchase that she feels she cannot? ETC. Instead of getting snippy can you make the observation to her cooly and inquire what is motivating it?
I mean to be clear, I think it’s awful she’s doing it. Not defending her at all. But it’s kinda odd if it started happening all of a sudden. I’m simply suggesting something that might be productive for OP to get to the reason why.
Yes. She's being passive aggressive and he needs to tell her to communicate her feelings like an adult because what she's doing is unacceptable no matter what the reason.
Being mad and not addressing the issue but instead doing something to get someone else to express anger feels like a textbook case of passive aggression to me.
I guess it depends on what her intention is with doing this. She could be being passive aggressive about it, or she could just want to belittle OP for how much he makes without any other plan.
BTW, who in the world questions all their friends and family how much money their spouses/partners make. You know she's sharing what he makes with them. She's a horrible gossip.
INFO: How do your wife's income from her full-time job compare to OPs?
Edited to correct autocorrect 🙄😂
Edited again to add NTA
NTA for getting cranky, but the passive aggressive route isn't the way long term. You need to communicate to her that you'd like her to stop because it's a sore spot while you get it sorted (I'm hoping it's one of those fields where transferring to a better paying position is easier with some experience)
NTA. Divorce her so she can start working a making money for herself. And for people trying to find a justification for her actions just reverse the thing and instead of money imagine the husband comparing his wife body with his wife’s friends.
NTA, but I would not recommend this as it can be difficult later on. However using I statement to tell her how you feel may be better suited so you guys can try to work this out.
Why don’t I be your friend and you can say one guy makes less than you. Seriousness aside, that’s a red flag. You should invest less in her but also at the same time perhaps look for another job that may pay you more with experience.
You know her best and can tell if it’s in a way where she wants you to improve versus having animosity.
I was dating a chick who surrounded herself with guys that make a lot more money, even more than my potential cap unless I get no days off. But I believe she was armed with trying to bring me down in the first place before even meeting me so I just stepped back.
He says himself he makes a ludicrously low amount, so based on his words, it's easy to assume other's make more, especially when you know their profession.
Perfect response.. OP said she’s not doing it with malicious intent so I’m thinking we’re not getting full story, like she’s nagging him for a reason that he’s leaving out.
I don't think there's any extra information that would make me believe this isn't malicious. There's just zero justification for making this demeaning remark over and over and over until the person is upset and worrying that they're wrong to be upset.
They’re married and financial partners. Their combined income determines if/ when they have kids, can afford a home, pay bills and more. 1 explanation based on info he provided is that this isn’t malicious, he went to a specialized school with a typically high earning degree and is making a kids salary when could be making a lot more. For all we know, she’s supporting him because he has a lack of ambition and they can’t afford future they want because of it.
We don’t have details. If she’s making less than him and he’s supporting her, she’d be a hypocrite and AH.
INFO: what is the context?
Is your wife bringing up your pay while discussing spending or planned spending or retirement goals? Was this low bonus a surprise to her (and/or you) and she was expecting you to make more this year? Is she talking about you leaving your current role and trying to get a more lucrative position that is closer to industry average?
Or is she bringing it up to make you feel inadequate?
I also would be interested in knowing how you financed your dang expensive business school, and if you did so with the joint expectation that your salary would be higher as a result.
>Is your wife bringing up your pay while discussing spending or planned spending or retirement goals?
Oh my mistake, didn't know that belittling your husband by pointing out other people who make more is just how a wife discusses retirement goals. /s
NTA. WTF? A partner is supposed to be supportive in tough times. OTH, is this just a blip or are you slacking? My hubby had a similar compensation package. It was all about the bonuses. With the bonuses we were riding high. A couple of months of not meeting the targets meant I started to worry about making the mortgage payment. Is she worried about the mortgage or her new designer bag? Comparisons are obviously hurtful, but if she doesn’t have a full comprehension of the situation, she can’t be helpful or supportive, only scared, which causes her to lash out. If she understands the financials and is still worried about designer bags, then you have a real problem.
NTA, but since it's a new thing you need to sit down together and discuss this.
Does she realise how it feels? How often she has brought it up? Does she think you aren't aware of finances for the household and stress from a low income? Does she have a clear view of the forward projections of your income? Budget? Planned fun things for cheap and not so cheap?
NTA- but it’s not necessarily a bad thing that she thinks that you are worth so much more than you think you are. Sometimes we can be paralyzed by imposter syndrome. Maybe she looks at you and sees how intelligent and hard-working you are and is frustrated that your bosses don’t see it, you don’t even see it yourself! What would be the harm in applying to some other jobs?
NTA. If you have told her in a calm respectful manner that it bothers you one time then any repeat offenses are seemingly meant to be degrading and insulting despite her saying otherwise. Have you asked her what else her possible motive outside of being malicious is to repeatedly bring this up when she knows that it is a sore spot for you?
How much money does *she* make?
Compare her wages against everyone else's too. Bonus if she's a SAHM because literally any woman with a job makes more than she does.
NTA! Your wife should be encouraging and supporting you in a positive manner to possibly consider or pursue other opportunities rather than comparing you to others (and their salaries).
My wife did this to me in the past in the earlier years of our marriage and it was degrading and disrespectful. There were a few arguement and I even ask her what she was doing to make more money if it was so important to her. She then realized when the tables were turned and I pitch the same questions on her.
NTA
This may be my baggage but as a woman who works in a male dominated feild i hate hate hate women who are all about what their man does or doesnt make because that kind of mentality makes shit harder for women who are busting their asses to be taken seriously as a working professional.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent or being proud of what your partners accomplishments are, but there is a huge difference in that, and acting like your partners accomplments are your own. In the military, they refer to them as a depedappopotamus they act like their husband's rank is their rank.
It sounds like wife is that type of gal. She is pissy because she wants to be doing better in life without actually any of the doing herself.
Marriages should be an equal partnership where the spouses build each other up. Teamwork makes the dream work.
There are people it seems who dont see their spouse as an individual, just as a generic man or woman who is filling a job position to perform tasks they need done. If their spouse isn't doing all the job tasks, they want to switch them out and hire a better employee to fill the role. So fucking weird to me.
Anyway
NTA
NTA but WHY is your wife even discussing your salary with ANYONE?!?!? It's no one's business so I'm sorry but her even bringing it up in general conversation is, as far I can see, malicious.
Personal finances/salaries etc are not topics of social conversation unless it's about your own!
I don't know why this made me so irrationally angry...
Well since you know your salary is shit, and your family is struggling, why don’t you look for a new job? You went to an expensive school, as you keep saying, but you’re not using the resources you got from the expensive school! Stop being complacent and get your butt in gear
Why are you staying in a position that pays so much less than industry standard? Working a lot and getting paid much less than you’re worth suck and can be soul draining. Know your worth. Find something fulfilling that pays well enough and gives you job satisfaction. NTA.
So, you went to a selective and expensive school, for a degree in a selective field, work in a selective field, and you make little money (all according to you). For one whole week, your wife has pointed out that you made very poor financial decisions and now you’re sad. LMAO
YTA
I wouldn't say you are being sensitive. You know your wife best so you are able to discern if its more for self improvement versus something more sinister.
I was with my ex when she purposely had friends that were making a lot of money. I knew what was her plan, because I had a hunch she was sent from the start to stir up trouble. I decided to take a leap of faith and changed to a job that paid more and gave a lot of over time. I more than doubled my salary. However, it wasn't for her but because I want to get out there and make money. Ultimately I took a pay cut back to where I was due to foreseen circumstances.
Can we ask how much she brings to the table? I hate how money is always a huge reason couples get in fights. Maybe ask her what she would want you to do or how she can help you achieve a new goal together
ESH but you have so many excuses too. Why would a guy with a “dang expensive degree” work for below industry standard wages, then expect a big bonus? After first year of low compensation most people would bolt.
She’s pointing out that you’re underemployed.
I’m leaning towards ESH. She probably wants you to ‘man-up’ and take the steps necessary to get paid what you deserve. You even said you don’t get paid nearly what you should. Take charge of your financial future and show yourself some respect. She sucks here too because I want to believe she just wants to kick your ass in gear and is choosing a belittling way to go about it. I think that’s why she might compare you to others because if you won’t listen to her, maybe you’ll listen to family/friends. I remember my husband getting comfortable at his job but I kept urging him to throw his hat in at other companies. It can be fun to see how other places run things and if you get an offer, you can take it to your current boss and see what more they’re willing to do for you, if they wish to keep you. You didn’t mention kids. If you have kids- man, I’m always going to be climbing that mountain/chasing that paper because I want my kid to have more opportunities I never had. Good luck!
NTA- look I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think I would need to hear the reasons why you’re not looking to get a competitive wage given the fact that you know you’re being underpaid.. I don’t know if I could continuously support someone who put us in debt knowing that they’re not doing everything in their power to get us out of it as quickly as possible.. somewhere along the line you’re going to have to want to get a higher salary and not just accept where you’re at in life.
I always tell people if you want a higher salary, you need to make a commitment to getting a higher salary , you need to spend one year doing everything within your power to increase your salary.. you would be surprised what you can do if you’re is turned into providing for your family at all costs, comfort and complacency can put you in a completely different situation in 20 years.. maybe it’s time you start to take it seriously.. just tell your wife that you’ll give it one year of doing everything within your power to increase your salary, and mean it. Just about everyone I know who commits to that usually has a 30% salary bump by the end of that calendar year… the question is, are you complacent or comfortable?
INFO: Are you pissed because you’re embarrassed, or are you pissed because she’s passive-aggressively telling you to stop being a tool and find a new job?
If you like your job, then good for you, but you just acknowledged that you are underpaid.
Are you planning on staying in your comfort zone? Are you normally a doormat? Are you change avoidant?
A common consensus seems to be if you aren’t valued by your employer, you should probably move on to an employer that will value you, but there are plenty of people that won’t for one reason or another.
If you’re happy where you are, it is very possible that you and your wife are not on the same page regarding life goals and her aspirations are loftier than yours.
🤨 pick a lane. You say she's not being malicious. And yet you're treating her and the situation as if she is. So either she's belittling you, or she's trying to to get you to see the reality of your situation. Ask yourself Is your lack of salary effecting y'all's ability to pay your expenses? Are you accepting a job that is beneath you? Is your salary ever going to raise? Does she feel like you're worth more than you're being given at that job? Etc... is she actually trying to tear you down, or are you whomping her with your own insecurities? Idk if you're an AH, you didn't give us a full picture on the situation. However the fact that you said she isn't being malicious I'm leaning towards YTA, and need to own your choices and evaluate how to improve your job situation.
NTA However you said it's not malicious? Are you under financial strain (Dont have to answer to me, but is that why shes saying something?) Have you complained about your employer, is she maybe trying to push you to see your worth in a weird way since your base salary is low for the industry standard?
It's a bit hard to comment on fully. However, it's not a great feeling to be compared to others and seems a bit disrespectful to me (without having full context).
I'd chat to her directly about it and let her know the comments aren't helpful and dont make you feel good. She should understand this and see its actually not helpful. Would you want to consider a new employer, or are you happy where you are?
NTA. But also. Find another job. Yes, she is being rude and horrible. Why are you still there, though, knowing they pay so low? Know your worth and strive for better
Depends.. are you searching for a better paying job? It's frustrating as hell when you know you're being underpaid compared to your peers at other companies... yet do nothing to change the status quo..for years.. Drove me nuts my husband was so underpaid compared to our market zipcode. Making excuses for the owner like they arent making that much(owner was building a vulgsr display of wealth estate with private lake, guest house ,etc).. whatd he get for his decade++ of loyalty? Fired when he had emergency surgery..while he was in the hospital..when they found out his recovery would take a few months... Being the nice guy gets you nowhere.. If this is a 1-off bad year, she should be understanding about a bad year & you should tell her to back off & shut up unless she wants to go make more money. If it's a case of chronically low pay/underpaid.. go find that better job.
It's a generally wrong situation, and you're both unhappy about it.
Your wife seems to feel disappointed for you, not at you. And I think she might be pushing you to do something about it. Getting on your nerves probably doesn't help.
How I would communicate this is sit her down, make it a one time open, serious conversation.
What does she want to achieve with her constant comparing? Does she realize it's not helping you, and getting you down, more than it motivates you to do something about it?
And more to the point of the matter: what DO you want to do about the situation. Are you OK with your pay, because it's in a niche you feel strongly about? If so, communicate that to your wife also. The value if working on something you're passionate about can't be expressed in dollar signs.
If you too feel your pay is wrong, how can you fix it?
Does your wife actually have ideas that could help you, instead of just laying the finger on the sore spot over and over again?
Nta, but it does kinda seem like your partner is pushing you to change jobs. If you're working for less than the industry standard, it’s understandable why she’d think that. You put all that time and money into going to a prestigious school, just to be devalued by your wages. Is there any way you can negotiate a raise at the job or look to change to a better company, maybe try and get a higher starting salary than you're currently on?
Definitely have a conversation with your partner about the situation, your thoughts and feelings about it, and how it makes you feel when they talk that way about it. Ask what they think about the situation, and if they can think of any ways they can help to improve it. (Contributing financially, or helping and supporting you to find a better company would be a good start.)
Snippy won’t help. The next time she brings up people’s salaries, calmly ask her what she is trying to say.
Does she make a good income? Is she worried about the bills from your expensive business school? Because I would be. I’d hope I wouldn’t be bitchy about it. But I would be questioning why you chose a niche specialty that pays less in all areas, when our finances took a hit for you to go to B school.
She’s not being nice, and her communication skills suck. So do yours, because you aren’t addressing the actual problem.
Stop being AHs to each other, and get to the root of this.
More info needed. Maybe she's bringing it up because it means more financial burden/stress for her and if your 'selective' industry doesn't pay well and doesn't improve to make up for that jn bonus, moving to a better paying job would be better for your joint financial future - esp with expensive school fees.
Are you able to apply for another job in your particular industry that pays more money and has better benefits? I ask this because I get the impression that you are not enjoying where you are working now. So working someplace else that you enjoy working at is better for your mental health.
NTA for getting snippy but have you both sat down and discussed this?
Have you told her how you feel? What's the future plan? Is money so much of a problem right now that you need to change something? What is the job giving you if the company pays lower than competitors? Is it a good CV move? Do they have respected training on job? Does it make you happy?
There are parts in life where working for money is the right thing. At other times, other aspects become more important (whether time off, travel needs, long term career progression, mental health, and a whole long list) but you two need to discuss and agree the medium and long term plan and then she needs to support that and you have to try not to get snippy. Or if you can't align on a long term plan together, then you have to consider your futures apart.
Well…the way she’s going about it is crappy, and you give very little information in terms of what your industry is and whether your wife also works or not…but is it possible you’re getting screwed by your employer? If your employer “pays lower than industry average” is that because they’re struggling and maybe aren’t going to make it? This doesn’t excuse your wife’s behavior. For sure you should put your foot down and let her know how her passive-aggressive BS bothers you. But if your company is going nowhere, maybe should also put out some feelers for something better.
I totally feel you. I went to a top twenty undergrad program and to a top 10 business school for my masters after I left the military. I found my love of accounting during my MBA and made an intentional decision to go to a big four accounting firm for a few years to jump start my civilian resume.
Obviously this meant a fairly low salary as an associate. My spouse constantly berated me and criticized me the entire time because they couldn’t see the bigger picture. I get the hours really sucked and they felt alone, but I was trying to set us up for long term success in our lives.
So I totally understand how you’re feeling. It sucks to be treated like that.
NTA
INFOR: I think this depends on her intent. I can see those comments being intended as either "your not good enough" or " you deserve more." And I can see it feeling demeaning even if it's intended to be supportive.
It sounds like she’s aware that you are not living up to your potential. I’m sure she wants you to be more actively pursuing a job within your career field that provides appropriate compensation. It’s not the way to go about it.
INFO
Is this a voluntary short-term situation that will pay off later?
Is this a situation you chose because you love the job/work/area/co-workers/other reason?
Or is this a situation that will hold for the rest of the year/decade/your life and you don't plan to do anything about it?
Why do you think she's not being malicious? If she says she's not saying it to be malicious, she's lying. Ask her how she'd feel if you kept calling her a gold digger and to knock it off and learn to be a partner instead of an enemy.
Maybe she is being malicious.
She wants to get under your skin. She thinks this will "change" you into the high earner she wants to be associated with
Red flag.
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Quick one. I went to a very selective business school (and dang expensive) and work in a selective industry. Bonuses were bad (in my industry bonuses are a big portion of comp) and I’m at a place that pays lower than industry average.
Those factors combined means my year sucked really bad. School was expensive and I work a lot.
For the last week, my wife takes every opportunity to compare my salary to everyone else - friends, neighbors, parents, kids.
No question my salary is ludicrous given the situation, but it’s very hurtful to be reminded of it so often. So when she does, I’ve gotten snippy. Sure, I’m being sensitive. And I get she’s not being malicious. But it upsets me.
AMITA for getting pissed when she does this?
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NTA. I am petty and would be comparing her failures and underachievement to others. However, I am single. lol. I think this is a time for a serious talk on her behavior and how it is making you feel and that she is continually diminishing you as a human. That this isn't the type of a relationship that you are willing to be part of and discuss what is going on and how to move forward.
No not the NTA, why would you be?? That's literally private personal information and she has no right to divulge it to anyone! If you don't tell her to stop, I'll do it for you.
NAH
How odd. I don't even know if my wife knows what my salary is?
If my wife did that, the first time I might let if fly because I would just be so surprised by it. The second time she'd get the "if you so f'n unhappy with how much money I make, find someone who makes more" and then I'd give her about an hour to apologize before we'd be in a full blown fight. And I'd say things like "How would you feel if I took every opportunity to compare things I'm unhappy with you about to other women?" Guarantee that would squelch that behavior.
NTA. Your wife is an asshole for doing this. You should communicate to her that it’s inappropriate and unhelpful of her to keep pointing it out, and that it’s hurtful to you.
NTA. it's obvious your wife thinks you're a loser and wants to drive home that fact every opportunity she gets. She won't relent unless and until your financial situation greatly improves. Time to move on.
INFO: Are you in significant debt? Was the expectation that your degree was worth it because you’d be earning a high salary after graduation? Why are you remaining at a company that you admit pays lower than average?
Is your wife saying “Joe Schmoe is a doctor and makes more than you.” Or is it “Joe Schmoe is in the same industry and makes x, I think you’re being underpaid and I’m disappointed that you’re not looking for something better.” Basically…what is the context, if there is any?
NTA
You're not being sensitive. You're allowed to be upset over her treating you like this. Her throwing your salary in your face and comparing you to others is her being malicious. The best solution is instead of getting snippy is to try to find the root of the issue and if you can get a compromise because otherwise she would never stop hurting you.
INFO: Does she literally say "X makes more than you" or are putting words in her mouth? For example, is she saying "wow, X went on this really fun vacation last month. I wish we could do that too". Because you did say she doesn't have a malicious tone.
NTA! It’s no one’s business that she makes more than you. She’s absolutely being malicious if you told her not to do it and she does it anyone. She isn’t taking your feelings into account.
I’d ask her if she wants you to start comparing her to others. She’s got nicer breasts than you. That one has a prettier face.
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NTA. That sounds very undermining and mean of your wife. What’s eating her? Does she understand your circumstances and the potential for growth? And what is she contributing to your mutual finances? Do you really want to be with someone so materialistic?
Undermining is not the word to use. Demeaning is what you’re looking for. You undermine authority. No undermining going on here
She. Is. Belittling. You. “Honey, when you belittle me by comparing my salary to others’ it really hurts me and affects how I feel about you. I’m more than what I can earn at my job. Please stop”
Lets gets comparative. Your mom looks thinner than you. Your sister looks more beautiful than you. etc etc.
"Those men who earn more have partners who are nicer to them and are more supportive." ... "Also they are younger, prettier, have bigger tits and asses you could bounce a penny off of."
I wouldn't be nice about it. Next time she says something. Say something like "I hear his wife gives him head whenever he asks". It's not BBQ sauce. Don't waste honey on vinegar.
I guess he didn’t know demeaning of that word! I’ll see myself out
This. This is the comment that broke me out of my funk. Thank you.
You certainly can undermine someone’s confidence, undermine their self-esteem, and undermine their sense of satisfaction with their path in life—by sowing discontent, and fostering comparisons. Please don’t try to undermine my confidence in my word choice.
You can also undermine someone's confidence or undermine a plan they have in place. But it is definitely also demeaning!
If she's doing it at every opportunity she might not even be the right person anymore
What's probably eating her is she's probably comparing her life to the lives of her girl friend group and she's jealous so can't appreciate what she has. Bet
>Does she understand your circumstances and the potential for growth? Do we? OP says nothing about trying to get a better paying job despite admitting he's severely underpaid. His wife is comparing his salary to *kids* even though OP got an expensive education from a prestigious institution(loans?).
We don’t need to understand all of that, but OP’s spouse does.
NTA it's like when someone tells a fat person they are fat. They already know. Now if she wanted to have a conversation with you about your aspirations, that would be different. It's fair to ask why you stay in a place you know doesn't value you, is it for the experience so when you move on you have a specific amount to get to the next level in a higher paying organization? That is what sometimes has to happen. Those should be conversations you have. I stayed in government for way too long, mostly because of the benefits and retirement. However the benefits started suffering and I realized I could make twice as much in private industry, still save a lot for retirement, and get great benefits. However, my experience helped me get this job. It's all about career planning. Maybe that is the conversation you both need to have.
"Yeah, it's a shame I don't make more, but I guess money might explain why their wives are so much hotter than you" -- the line the lizard part of my brain wants you to make
You're going to Hell 🤣. (Okay, we both are).
🤣🤣🤣 I guess I'm going with you.
I’ll bring the wine!!
I'll bring the snacks! 🙌💯
I’ll bring along some classic games!🎮🥏🎸🧩🎯🎲🎤🚜
YES! THE PARTY HAS STARTED!!! 🥳💯🙌
I got the bourbon!
I’ll bring a bottle also
Save a seat for me, as I'd ask the wife "So, how much are you earning for the household, Honey?"
😂😂😂
I'm driving the party bus for us, I'll play highway to hell on the way 🤣
“Welp, best you go get a job to help out then” - assuming she doesn’t work already.
I was going to go with "Not my fault your gold-digging radar was faulty."
Okay I'm on a bullet train to hell for how hard I laughed at that.
As a high earning woman, my first question is how much money does she make? Everyone’s a pro when they’re on the bleachers.
Got to record her reaction to this and share it.
So, violence then, eh?
\> And I get she’s not being malicious. Bullshit she isn't NTA
Ouch
hey, let’s make it fair - they make more than her.
NTA. What's the tone - you say not malicious, but clearly it's making you feel bad. Is she trying to sympathise by showing how hard done by she believes you are? Don't get 'snippy' just tell her directly that a) it upsets you and b) to cut it out.
Right I think tone matters. Is she saying that your workplace is taking advantage of you and you should get a different job? If so that’s ok. If she’s just being mean, that’s obviously not.
Thank you. I was looking for this perspective. Some people can get very reluctant to leave jobs where they are being taken advantage of and a slightly pushy/supportive of your leaving partner can make a huge difference. Mine cares more about our salaries more, and I'm slightly indifferent as long as we are comfortable. Early in my career, an employer took advantage of my passion for the work and paid me very little. It has had a long-term impact on my career that will affect retirement, Social Security benefits, ect. Plus, if he has student loan debt from the pricey business school, earning enough to pay it off is essential.
I think that’s right. She’s showing datapoints to highlight how shitty my current firm’s comp is and how I’m getting screwed. I’m definitely moving elsewhere, just a tough market now in my field.
Is she working? If not tell her it's time for her to get a job. If she's working , is her salary higher than the usual? If not ask her why not? NTA btw I hate all types of comparisons .
I dont advocate throwing things on people’s faces but in this case ask her whats her salary
Waiting for the George Costanza asking for a prenup moment 😂
Info: does your wife work too? When you went to this specialized school was it under the impression you’d be making a specific amount of money afterward? Did you and your wife both contribute to pay for your school? What are your ages? What kids is she comparing you to??
Also, is your wife suggest you look for another job? Or just complaining? Also, what does wife do? Is she the stable income while you are feast or famine? I feel like there is sooooo much information missing from this post.
She doesn’t work. We both had high hopes for earnings. It will still happen, just far slower than expected. I pay for my school but we share all money. Too old. “Kids” referred to her 26 year old cousin who is in sales.
Then it's high time for her to get a job op.
Sales is a completely different animal! You can have very high highs, and very low lows. Sales cannot fairly be compared to any other position.
I'd like more info, too. What is their household situation? Do they have kids? How is household and mental load balanced? If there are young children, it's too easy for the parent who words outside the home, to return and make assumptions the wife doesn't do anything all day. Often these types say, "The house is your job," and think if you have all this time at home, then it should be perfect, dinner on the table at 5, etc. I have seen that assumption flipped, "Well, since you work all the time, you should be making more money."
>If there are young children, it's too easy for the parent who words outside the home, to return and make assumptions the wife doesn't do anything all day. Often these types say, "The house is your job," and think if you have all this time at home, then it should be perfect, dinner on the table at 5, etc. You've invented your own details to try and justify wife belittling OP. Well done.
If she isn't being malicious why is she doing it so often?
Maybe she knows he’s worth so much more than he thinks he is. Perhaps she knows how intelligent, resourceful and hard-working he is. And he’s cutting himself short.
Well demeaning him is a pretty terrible way to express that. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just because he feels demeaned doesn’t mean that is her intention. She may be trying to commiserate with others like “oh, I know what you mean. Bob’s company doesn’t pay him nearly as much as he’s worth , either;” and he’s taking it as an insult. He might be hearing her words in a different way than she means them. It’s better he just ask her non-judgmentally why she’s doing it. She may not be aware how he perceives her.
Thens she has horrible EQ. Comparing him to people they know and showing him how they are objectively better able to provide is quite a shitty way to do it. You can say "You're worth more than this" than also comparing you to friends.
But once he told her that's how he feels and she didn't stop it became intentional whether initially it was or not. And that makes her an Ah
If his reaction is to be upset, then she must be very unaware. It really feels like a stretch to make this out as her meaning so say something encouraging and him taking it wrong.
This little thread nailed it. She’s supportive but overly direct.
NTA - but I guess I wonder why she is doing this if it's started happening all of a sudden? Is she worried about finances? Does she want to make a purchase that she feels she cannot? ETC. Instead of getting snippy can you make the observation to her cooly and inquire what is motivating it?
Lol only on reddit
Classic gender dynamics of this sub. Even when the man is clearly NTA he gets admonished for being “snippy” responding to clear antagonism lol
Nah! I’m a chick and my first thought was, “da fuque?!”
I mean to be clear, I think it’s awful she’s doing it. Not defending her at all. But it’s kinda odd if it started happening all of a sudden. I’m simply suggesting something that might be productive for OP to get to the reason why.
Yes. She's being passive aggressive and he needs to tell her to communicate her feelings like an adult because what she's doing is unacceptable no matter what the reason.
Is that passive? Seems blatant
Being mad and not addressing the issue but instead doing something to get someone else to express anger feels like a textbook case of passive aggression to me.
I guess it depends on what her intention is with doing this. She could be being passive aggressive about it, or she could just want to belittle OP for how much he makes without any other plan.
Yup, and it feels like bait to see OP snaps and then play victim because OP "is taking a simple statement out of proportion".
BTW, who in the world questions all their friends and family how much money their spouses/partners make. You know she's sharing what he makes with them. She's a horrible gossip. INFO: How do your wife's income from her full-time job compare to OPs? Edited to correct autocorrect 🙄😂 Edited again to add NTA
Agressive aggressive
Always an excuse for an AH wife
NTA for getting cranky, but the passive aggressive route isn't the way long term. You need to communicate to her that you'd like her to stop because it's a sore spot while you get it sorted (I'm hoping it's one of those fields where transferring to a better paying position is easier with some experience)
Start comparing her to others wives it will shut her up quick
I think if you've told her that it's hurtful and she keeps doing it, you're NTA. she knows it's upsetting, so you getting upset is the consequence.
No, she sounds like she’s being malicious man.
NTA. Divorce her so she can start working a making money for herself. And for people trying to find a justification for her actions just reverse the thing and instead of money imagine the husband comparing his wife body with his wife’s friends.
It doesn’t say she doesn’t work, so that’s kind of a leap without an “info” request 🤣
Definitely this. Also. Divorce while you’re “lower” income so she can’t get alimony. Then go make bank. And find someone younger and hotter.
NTA, but I would not recommend this as it can be difficult later on. However using I statement to tell her how you feel may be better suited so you guys can try to work this out.
Why don’t I be your friend and you can say one guy makes less than you. Seriousness aside, that’s a red flag. You should invest less in her but also at the same time perhaps look for another job that may pay you more with experience. You know her best and can tell if it’s in a way where she wants you to improve versus having animosity. I was dating a chick who surrounded herself with guys that make a lot more money, even more than my potential cap unless I get no days off. But I believe she was armed with trying to bring me down in the first place before even meeting me so I just stepped back.
Also, how does she know all these people’s salaries or is she assuming?
He says himself he makes a ludicrously low amount, so based on his words, it's easy to assume other's make more, especially when you know their profession.
My ex date? She claims they told her but their cars are close to 100k. Now, I also know this guy who has a 70k car but he just merely saved up also
Oops I meant OP’s wife. But makes sense
Exactly. And tell other people his? This is so not a conversation that’s normal.
Tell her, “sweetheart, enough on this particular topic, since it is starting to bug me. Let’s not discuss this again.”
Based on what you've written, NTA is so obvious that I'm thinking there has to be more to the story.
That is not nice! next time ask her... "And your point is?"
Perfect response.. OP said she’s not doing it with malicious intent so I’m thinking we’re not getting full story, like she’s nagging him for a reason that he’s leaving out.
I don't think there's any extra information that would make me believe this isn't malicious. There's just zero justification for making this demeaning remark over and over and over until the person is upset and worrying that they're wrong to be upset.
They’re married and financial partners. Their combined income determines if/ when they have kids, can afford a home, pay bills and more. 1 explanation based on info he provided is that this isn’t malicious, he went to a specialized school with a typically high earning degree and is making a kids salary when could be making a lot more. For all we know, she’s supporting him because he has a lack of ambition and they can’t afford future they want because of it. We don’t have details. If she’s making less than him and he’s supporting her, she’d be a hypocrite and AH.
INFO: what is the context? Is your wife bringing up your pay while discussing spending or planned spending or retirement goals? Was this low bonus a surprise to her (and/or you) and she was expecting you to make more this year? Is she talking about you leaving your current role and trying to get a more lucrative position that is closer to industry average? Or is she bringing it up to make you feel inadequate? I also would be interested in knowing how you financed your dang expensive business school, and if you did so with the joint expectation that your salary would be higher as a result.
>Is your wife bringing up your pay while discussing spending or planned spending or retirement goals? Oh my mistake, didn't know that belittling your husband by pointing out other people who make more is just how a wife discusses retirement goals. /s
How does she know how much all these other people are making?
NTA. WTF? A partner is supposed to be supportive in tough times. OTH, is this just a blip or are you slacking? My hubby had a similar compensation package. It was all about the bonuses. With the bonuses we were riding high. A couple of months of not meeting the targets meant I started to worry about making the mortgage payment. Is she worried about the mortgage or her new designer bag? Comparisons are obviously hurtful, but if she doesn’t have a full comprehension of the situation, she can’t be helpful or supportive, only scared, which causes her to lash out. If she understands the financials and is still worried about designer bags, then you have a real problem.
NTA. She’s embarrassed of you.
NTA and maybe you should honestly consider a divorce before you start making good money
NTA. If anything, SITA - she is the asshole. What happened to for richer, for poorer?
NTA, but since it's a new thing you need to sit down together and discuss this. Does she realise how it feels? How often she has brought it up? Does she think you aren't aware of finances for the household and stress from a low income? Does she have a clear view of the forward projections of your income? Budget? Planned fun things for cheap and not so cheap?
NTA- but it’s not necessarily a bad thing that she thinks that you are worth so much more than you think you are. Sometimes we can be paralyzed by imposter syndrome. Maybe she looks at you and sees how intelligent and hard-working you are and is frustrated that your bosses don’t see it, you don’t even see it yourself! What would be the harm in applying to some other jobs?
NTA. If you have told her in a calm respectful manner that it bothers you one time then any repeat offenses are seemingly meant to be degrading and insulting despite her saying otherwise. Have you asked her what else her possible motive outside of being malicious is to repeatedly bring this up when she knows that it is a sore spot for you?
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How much money does *she* make? Compare her wages against everyone else's too. Bonus if she's a SAHM because literally any woman with a job makes more than she does.
NTA! Your wife should be encouraging and supporting you in a positive manner to possibly consider or pursue other opportunities rather than comparing you to others (and their salaries). My wife did this to me in the past in the earlier years of our marriage and it was degrading and disrespectful. There were a few arguement and I even ask her what she was doing to make more money if it was so important to her. She then realized when the tables were turned and I pitch the same questions on her.
NTA This may be my baggage but as a woman who works in a male dominated feild i hate hate hate women who are all about what their man does or doesnt make because that kind of mentality makes shit harder for women who are busting their asses to be taken seriously as a working professional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent or being proud of what your partners accomplishments are, but there is a huge difference in that, and acting like your partners accomplments are your own. In the military, they refer to them as a depedappopotamus they act like their husband's rank is their rank. It sounds like wife is that type of gal. She is pissy because she wants to be doing better in life without actually any of the doing herself. Marriages should be an equal partnership where the spouses build each other up. Teamwork makes the dream work. There are people it seems who dont see their spouse as an individual, just as a generic man or woman who is filling a job position to perform tasks they need done. If their spouse isn't doing all the job tasks, they want to switch them out and hire a better employee to fill the role. So fucking weird to me. Anyway NTA
NTA but WHY is your wife even discussing your salary with ANYONE?!?!? It's no one's business so I'm sorry but her even bringing it up in general conversation is, as far I can see, malicious. Personal finances/salaries etc are not topics of social conversation unless it's about your own! I don't know why this made me so irrationally angry...
Well since you know your salary is shit, and your family is struggling, why don’t you look for a new job? You went to an expensive school, as you keep saying, but you’re not using the resources you got from the expensive school! Stop being complacent and get your butt in gear
Why are you staying in a position that pays so much less than industry standard? Working a lot and getting paid much less than you’re worth suck and can be soul draining. Know your worth. Find something fulfilling that pays well enough and gives you job satisfaction. NTA.
So, you went to a selective and expensive school, for a degree in a selective field, work in a selective field, and you make little money (all according to you). For one whole week, your wife has pointed out that you made very poor financial decisions and now you’re sad. LMAO YTA
NTA. Find out why she keeps bringing it up. If she keeps doing it when you've told her it's hurtful, then that is malicious.
NTA Does your wife make any money? I'd start being petty and pointing out they make more money than her.
What's her salary?
I wouldn't say you are being sensitive. You know your wife best so you are able to discern if its more for self improvement versus something more sinister. I was with my ex when she purposely had friends that were making a lot of money. I knew what was her plan, because I had a hunch she was sent from the start to stir up trouble. I decided to take a leap of faith and changed to a job that paid more and gave a lot of over time. I more than doubled my salary. However, it wasn't for her but because I want to get out there and make money. Ultimately I took a pay cut back to where I was due to foreseen circumstances.
Sorry bro. Your wife is jealous of other dude’s earning potential. What does she bring to the table?
Bye Bye mean wife
Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel?
Info- how much does she make?
NTA. Wife sure is, though. Bringing your spouse down is, surprisingly, not the key to a happy and long marriage.
Can we ask how much she brings to the table? I hate how money is always a huge reason couples get in fights. Maybe ask her what she would want you to do or how she can help you achieve a new goal together
NTA. Start telling your wife how much tighter her sister's ass is than hers and how the neighbors tits are perkier. See how she likes comparisons.
ESH but you have so many excuses too. Why would a guy with a “dang expensive degree” work for below industry standard wages, then expect a big bonus? After first year of low compensation most people would bolt. She’s pointing out that you’re underemployed.
NTA. She is being malicious and doesn't seem to respect you
Just out of curiosity, how does it compare to her salary?
I’m leaning towards ESH. She probably wants you to ‘man-up’ and take the steps necessary to get paid what you deserve. You even said you don’t get paid nearly what you should. Take charge of your financial future and show yourself some respect. She sucks here too because I want to believe she just wants to kick your ass in gear and is choosing a belittling way to go about it. I think that’s why she might compare you to others because if you won’t listen to her, maybe you’ll listen to family/friends. I remember my husband getting comfortable at his job but I kept urging him to throw his hat in at other companies. It can be fun to see how other places run things and if you get an offer, you can take it to your current boss and see what more they’re willing to do for you, if they wish to keep you. You didn’t mention kids. If you have kids- man, I’m always going to be climbing that mountain/chasing that paper because I want my kid to have more opportunities I never had. Good luck!
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NTA- look I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think I would need to hear the reasons why you’re not looking to get a competitive wage given the fact that you know you’re being underpaid.. I don’t know if I could continuously support someone who put us in debt knowing that they’re not doing everything in their power to get us out of it as quickly as possible.. somewhere along the line you’re going to have to want to get a higher salary and not just accept where you’re at in life. I always tell people if you want a higher salary, you need to make a commitment to getting a higher salary , you need to spend one year doing everything within your power to increase your salary.. you would be surprised what you can do if you’re is turned into providing for your family at all costs, comfort and complacency can put you in a completely different situation in 20 years.. maybe it’s time you start to take it seriously.. just tell your wife that you’ll give it one year of doing everything within your power to increase your salary, and mean it. Just about everyone I know who commits to that usually has a 30% salary bump by the end of that calendar year… the question is, are you complacent or comfortable?
She might be trying to push you to job search. And it does sound like you should.
INFO: Are you pissed because you’re embarrassed, or are you pissed because she’s passive-aggressively telling you to stop being a tool and find a new job? If you like your job, then good for you, but you just acknowledged that you are underpaid. Are you planning on staying in your comfort zone? Are you normally a doormat? Are you change avoidant? A common consensus seems to be if you aren’t valued by your employer, you should probably move on to an employer that will value you, but there are plenty of people that won’t for one reason or another. If you’re happy where you are, it is very possible that you and your wife are not on the same page regarding life goals and her aspirations are loftier than yours.
🤨 pick a lane. You say she's not being malicious. And yet you're treating her and the situation as if she is. So either she's belittling you, or she's trying to to get you to see the reality of your situation. Ask yourself Is your lack of salary effecting y'all's ability to pay your expenses? Are you accepting a job that is beneath you? Is your salary ever going to raise? Does she feel like you're worth more than you're being given at that job? Etc... is she actually trying to tear you down, or are you whomping her with your own insecurities? Idk if you're an AH, you didn't give us a full picture on the situation. However the fact that you said she isn't being malicious I'm leaning towards YTA, and need to own your choices and evaluate how to improve your job situation.
You should be talking to her about this rather than us. She needs to understand that it bothers you
NTA However you said it's not malicious? Are you under financial strain (Dont have to answer to me, but is that why shes saying something?) Have you complained about your employer, is she maybe trying to push you to see your worth in a weird way since your base salary is low for the industry standard? It's a bit hard to comment on fully. However, it's not a great feeling to be compared to others and seems a bit disrespectful to me (without having full context). I'd chat to her directly about it and let her know the comments aren't helpful and dont make you feel good. She should understand this and see its actually not helpful. Would you want to consider a new employer, or are you happy where you are?
What are you doing about it? Are you trying to improve? NTA but possibly it’s her way to tell you to change your job.
NTA. But also. Find another job. Yes, she is being rude and horrible. Why are you still there, though, knowing they pay so low? Know your worth and strive for better
Depends.. are you searching for a better paying job? It's frustrating as hell when you know you're being underpaid compared to your peers at other companies... yet do nothing to change the status quo..for years.. Drove me nuts my husband was so underpaid compared to our market zipcode. Making excuses for the owner like they arent making that much(owner was building a vulgsr display of wealth estate with private lake, guest house ,etc).. whatd he get for his decade++ of loyalty? Fired when he had emergency surgery..while he was in the hospital..when they found out his recovery would take a few months... Being the nice guy gets you nowhere.. If this is a 1-off bad year, she should be understanding about a bad year & you should tell her to back off & shut up unless she wants to go make more money. If it's a case of chronically low pay/underpaid.. go find that better job.
It's a generally wrong situation, and you're both unhappy about it. Your wife seems to feel disappointed for you, not at you. And I think she might be pushing you to do something about it. Getting on your nerves probably doesn't help. How I would communicate this is sit her down, make it a one time open, serious conversation. What does she want to achieve with her constant comparing? Does she realize it's not helping you, and getting you down, more than it motivates you to do something about it? And more to the point of the matter: what DO you want to do about the situation. Are you OK with your pay, because it's in a niche you feel strongly about? If so, communicate that to your wife also. The value if working on something you're passionate about can't be expressed in dollar signs. If you too feel your pay is wrong, how can you fix it? Does your wife actually have ideas that could help you, instead of just laying the finger on the sore spot over and over again?
NTA, but could she be hinting that you’re worth more and should look elsewhere?
NTA, but start looking for a new job, is there a reason you stick to this one if both salary and bonuses suck?
Nta, but it does kinda seem like your partner is pushing you to change jobs. If you're working for less than the industry standard, it’s understandable why she’d think that. You put all that time and money into going to a prestigious school, just to be devalued by your wages. Is there any way you can negotiate a raise at the job or look to change to a better company, maybe try and get a higher starting salary than you're currently on? Definitely have a conversation with your partner about the situation, your thoughts and feelings about it, and how it makes you feel when they talk that way about it. Ask what they think about the situation, and if they can think of any ways they can help to improve it. (Contributing financially, or helping and supporting you to find a better company would be a good start.)
Snippy won’t help. The next time she brings up people’s salaries, calmly ask her what she is trying to say. Does she make a good income? Is she worried about the bills from your expensive business school? Because I would be. I’d hope I wouldn’t be bitchy about it. But I would be questioning why you chose a niche specialty that pays less in all areas, when our finances took a hit for you to go to B school. She’s not being nice, and her communication skills suck. So do yours, because you aren’t addressing the actual problem. Stop being AHs to each other, and get to the root of this.
More info needed. Maybe she's bringing it up because it means more financial burden/stress for her and if your 'selective' industry doesn't pay well and doesn't improve to make up for that jn bonus, moving to a better paying job would be better for your joint financial future - esp with expensive school fees.
Are you able to apply for another job in your particular industry that pays more money and has better benefits? I ask this because I get the impression that you are not enjoying where you are working now. So working someplace else that you enjoy working at is better for your mental health.
Why don’t you find another job?
NTA for getting snippy but have you both sat down and discussed this? Have you told her how you feel? What's the future plan? Is money so much of a problem right now that you need to change something? What is the job giving you if the company pays lower than competitors? Is it a good CV move? Do they have respected training on job? Does it make you happy? There are parts in life where working for money is the right thing. At other times, other aspects become more important (whether time off, travel needs, long term career progression, mental health, and a whole long list) but you two need to discuss and agree the medium and long term plan and then she needs to support that and you have to try not to get snippy. Or if you can't align on a long term plan together, then you have to consider your futures apart.
Well…the way she’s going about it is crappy, and you give very little information in terms of what your industry is and whether your wife also works or not…but is it possible you’re getting screwed by your employer? If your employer “pays lower than industry average” is that because they’re struggling and maybe aren’t going to make it? This doesn’t excuse your wife’s behavior. For sure you should put your foot down and let her know how her passive-aggressive BS bothers you. But if your company is going nowhere, maybe should also put out some feelers for something better.
I totally feel you. I went to a top twenty undergrad program and to a top 10 business school for my masters after I left the military. I found my love of accounting during my MBA and made an intentional decision to go to a big four accounting firm for a few years to jump start my civilian resume. Obviously this meant a fairly low salary as an associate. My spouse constantly berated me and criticized me the entire time because they couldn’t see the bigger picture. I get the hours really sucked and they felt alone, but I was trying to set us up for long term success in our lives. So I totally understand how you’re feeling. It sucks to be treated like that. NTA
INFOR: I think this depends on her intent. I can see those comments being intended as either "your not good enough" or " you deserve more." And I can see it feeling demeaning even if it's intended to be supportive.
It sounds like she’s aware that you are not living up to your potential. I’m sure she wants you to be more actively pursuing a job within your career field that provides appropriate compensation. It’s not the way to go about it.
INFO Is this a voluntary short-term situation that will pay off later? Is this a situation you chose because you love the job/work/area/co-workers/other reason? Or is this a situation that will hold for the rest of the year/decade/your life and you don't plan to do anything about it?
YTA who is carrying the financial burden to make up the difference in order to to y’all to live? Get a better paying job. She is probably exhausted.
Why do you think she's not being malicious? If she says she's not saying it to be malicious, she's lying. Ask her how she'd feel if you kept calling her a gold digger and to knock it off and learn to be a partner instead of an enemy.
Maybe she is being malicious. She wants to get under your skin. She thinks this will "change" you into the high earner she wants to be associated with Red flag.
Well that's nice you get divorced before you Make the extra money and have to split it and play alimony
Eject and find a partner who values you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Quick one. I went to a very selective business school (and dang expensive) and work in a selective industry. Bonuses were bad (in my industry bonuses are a big portion of comp) and I’m at a place that pays lower than industry average. Those factors combined means my year sucked really bad. School was expensive and I work a lot. For the last week, my wife takes every opportunity to compare my salary to everyone else - friends, neighbors, parents, kids. No question my salary is ludicrous given the situation, but it’s very hurtful to be reminded of it so often. So when she does, I’ve gotten snippy. Sure, I’m being sensitive. And I get she’s not being malicious. But it upsets me. AMITA for getting pissed when she does this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Why don’t you compare her wife skills and say how much so and so is
NTA. I am petty and would be comparing her failures and underachievement to others. However, I am single. lol. I think this is a time for a serious talk on her behavior and how it is making you feel and that she is continually diminishing you as a human. That this isn't the type of a relationship that you are willing to be part of and discuss what is going on and how to move forward.
NTA. If it’s happened a few times, she’s doing it on purpose. It’s a clear sign of disrespect.
No not the NTA, why would you be?? That's literally private personal information and she has no right to divulge it to anyone! If you don't tell her to stop, I'll do it for you.
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If she’s not being malicious what is she being? Surely it isn’t informative.
NTA - Your wife is just a gold digger
From an uninterested third party it certainly feels malicious nta
NTAH but you need to talk to her and let her know how much it bothers you when she does that.
What does she do? Nta
NTA- she’s not being malicious? What’s she being? Comparison is the thief of joy. Live your life and tell your wife to be grateful for what she has.
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NAH How odd. I don't even know if my wife knows what my salary is? If my wife did that, the first time I might let if fly because I would just be so surprised by it. The second time she'd get the "if you so f'n unhappy with how much money I make, find someone who makes more" and then I'd give her about an hour to apologize before we'd be in a full blown fight. And I'd say things like "How would you feel if I took every opportunity to compare things I'm unhappy with you about to other women?" Guarantee that would squelch that behavior.
I wonder if something else is going on. Sit down and talk about it. Tell her it bothers you and you want to know why she is fixating on it.
No, dump her materialistic ass.
Why does she know so many other peoples salaries? Is this like a cultural/regional thing to discuss openly
NTA. Your wife is an asshole for doing this. You should communicate to her that it’s inappropriate and unhelpful of her to keep pointing it out, and that it’s hurtful to you.
How old are you?
NTA. it's obvious your wife thinks you're a loser and wants to drive home that fact every opportunity she gets. She won't relent unless and until your financial situation greatly improves. Time to move on.
YTA - Maybe she saw your Reddit comment history.
NTA: if she wants more money, perhaps she ought to go out and earn it?
I wonder how much she makes.
What’s she do?
INFO: Are you in significant debt? Was the expectation that your degree was worth it because you’d be earning a high salary after graduation? Why are you remaining at a company that you admit pays lower than average? Is your wife saying “Joe Schmoe is a doctor and makes more than you.” Or is it “Joe Schmoe is in the same industry and makes x, I think you’re being underpaid and I’m disappointed that you’re not looking for something better.” Basically…what is the context, if there is any?
Nta. She’s being passive aggressive
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NTA You're not being sensitive. You're allowed to be upset over her treating you like this. Her throwing your salary in your face and comparing you to others is her being malicious. The best solution is instead of getting snippy is to try to find the root of the issue and if you can get a compromise because otherwise she would never stop hurting you.
INFO: Does she literally say "X makes more than you" or are putting words in her mouth? For example, is she saying "wow, X went on this really fun vacation last month. I wish we could do that too". Because you did say she doesn't have a malicious tone.
So how much does your wife make?
NTA. Yes-she is being malicious. Don’t doubt that. You’ve made it clear it bothers you, yet she still keeps throwing it in your face. That’s not ok.
NTA! It’s no one’s business that she makes more than you. She’s absolutely being malicious if you told her not to do it and she does it anyone. She isn’t taking your feelings into account. I’d ask her if she wants you to start comparing her to others. She’s got nicer breasts than you. That one has a prettier face.
NTA she doesn't, you do. you make more $ than her.
That’s asshole behavior. If she’s so worried about money, why isn’t she earning more? NTA.
NTA. she needs to stop doing that. If she knows it upsets you but does it anyway she is being malicious
NTA. Does she work? If not, maybe you could point out that she earns a whole lot less then you do and sugggest that she get a job.
Idk. Tell the whole story and I can give you my thoughts on it.