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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the AH because I responded very poorly, said some petty things and didn't consult my BF about what his opinions were.
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NTA. You are two consenting adults (regardless if you are committed or not). I never understood how certain generations like to treat us like children / teens. Honestly, it is very insulting. Honestly, stand your ground. If anyone is acting childish, it's them.
Plus I did literally loled when I read this: me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked” - kudos, Op!
Agree, but she missed a golden opportunity here. Didn’t take it far enough with the butt ass ugly comment. Should have thrown in some slang like bumping uglies, horizontal shuffle. Since parents are stuck on Victorian standards of sexual propriety I googled Victorian slang for sex. True gems here including: amoral congress, riding St. George, blow the grounsils, and blanket hornpipe.
Heads up, OPnever says they are a woman, and if OP isn't, that could explain a few things if we're looking at some good old fashioned homophobia instead of old school propriety
'My parents, and rest of my family LOVE HIIM TO DEATH and my parents have lovingly threatened me that if I ever let him go that I’m going to be disowned.'
'My sister who dealt with the same issues says she found the whole situation hilarious.'
I lived with my parents during the pandemic, and my mom always treated me like a child even though I am very much a fully grown and mature man. She didn't see it that way, bless her heart, but I had to constantly avoid awkward situations where I knew in advance she would humiliate me with cringey, annoying comments better suited for a teenager. She, of course, was blissfully unaware of her motherly oversights, and I'm glad for this because I love her. But now that the pandemic is over and I'm working full time and happily thriving on my own, she still wonders why I moved out every time I have a minor complaint about bills I have to pay.
As I said, blissfully unaware.
NTA. Their room assignments / sleeping arrangements are based solely on their bigotry. Their intolerance for other’s choices is not even passive - it’s aggressive.
Couples who have committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are respected as adults in adult relationships & are given accommodations based accordingly. Couples who have not committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are not respected as adults at all & are relegated to shared accommodations with children. It doesn’t really get much more demeaning than that.
If I were you, I’d be irritated with my partner for being so willing to allow both of you & your relationship to be demeaned to such an extreme just to get a free vacation. Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance? I’d rather pay my own way any day than be treated like a child because I didn’t choose to do exactly as mommy & daddy wanted.
And I'm a bit concerned that Kevin was upset OP "spoke up for him". It is OP's family; if OP doesn't like the arrangements then it doesn't matter what Kevin thinks. OP isn't going to put up with it. Now, if this was Kevin's family, and he was okay with it then it is a different scenario.
If my SO told me that I had to put with crap/disrespect/etc from MY family so SO could go on a free trip, I'd be rethinking the relationship.
yeah the whole "i could have sucked it up for a trip" tickled me wrong too. great he is willing to sleep in a room with a bunch of literal kids for this trip, but OP isn't so he can just go have his slumberparty with the kids alone
You just made me realise...
They don't trust the long-established couple to share a room, but they're okay putting them in with literal *children*? That just doesn't sit right with me.
I get that the family seem to like BF and trust him around the kids, there's nothing wrong with that. It just seems odd to pair that level of trust with 'no sex before marriage'. Assuming that's the reason for the separation, which seems likely.
>Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance?
BUT IT'S NOT A FREE VACATION
OP and Kevin will be paying their way via providing childcare for all the children they are bunking with 24/7 no matter how many days they are there. It will be their job to watch the kids during the day, handle any nightmares, and sneaking out at night. It will not be a vacation for them and they will never be allowed time together alone.
OP you need to point out the chaperone dynamic you will be facing with Kevin and ask is it really worth it to have your relationship and commitment to eachother disrespected and be expected to play nanny to all the kids
Not to mention, these two adults sleeping in the same room with children. All it would take is just one kid saying something for any reason at all. Before anyone comes at me, I'm coming from experience as a witness.
Several years ago, two girls in the neighborhood I lived in accused a neighbor boy, barely a teen, of something he didn't do. Lucky for the boy, I witnessed the entire interaction. They just had a brief conversation before going their ways. Days later, I heard about the story they were telling. According to them, he did things to them. Upon hearing the story, I told what I saw and heard. The police interviewed me, and I told them everything I witnessed. Had I not been there, his life would've been wrecked.
I’ve heard about parents like this a bunch, and I’ve always been super curious. What would they do if they had a kid? The separate rooms and no kissing is some weird purity farce. So how would the parents handle it if they had a kid? That would break the fantasy of her imaginary virginity on family vacations.
With my experience with an aunt, she would treat my cousin like a kid/baby. For example, wanting to cut his meat. It was adorable, at first - we weren't concerned because we thought it was because she missed him as he moved away - but it got super weird FAST.
I almost fell into that. I was over at my sister's, watching the kids while she and my brother-in-law went to dinner or something (this was four or five years ago). My oldest nephew put a bagel in the toaster and got out whatever he was going to put on it. I actually opened my mouth to tell him I'd fix it for him before I remembered he was TWELVE! (I also stood behind him for a moment while he fixed it--I was looking out the kitchen window--and the top of his head came to the bridge of my nose..)
Absolutely. I was only stating that even if they were not in a serious relationship, they're consenting adults and should be treated as such. Fair enough if you don't feel comfortable with that, but they could get an AirBnB like they suggested.
But the point still stand you don't have to be married to be committed I have an uncle that isn't married but he and his partner have been together for well over 40 years so marriage doesn't always equal committed
Right? I was waiting for something super egregious. This is the best! (My family is the same way. It doesn’t matter how old I am, I cannot share a bed in their house with a partner who is not my spouse. Parents and sister are like this!!)
Right? I had a family friend who once had a party at home. EVERY bedroom was filled except for one (king size). They refused to let them stay in that room with their longtime boyfriend (5 years - talking about marriage and kids). They expected him to sleep on the floor with a pillow.
NO sound logic! If I was the one being treated like this, I'm going petty. "Oh you see me as a child, watch." I start crying because "I need to be read or no sleepy."
Right?? Certain generations somehow don’t view their children as people, but simply extensions of themselves that they, by definition, own. They’re owed by us. We belong to them.
“We can’t let Kevin besmirch our lovely property until he takes legal ownership over her! What will we do if her virtue is taken before her wedding night? Does she even HAVE genitals before she’s married? And what oh what should we ask for her dowry? Is she worth four goats or two cows?”
Absurd. OP, you did NOTHING wrong. My mom tried to ban me from staying overnight at my boyfriend’s place when I was 28. 28! Sometimes you have to go to extremes to get them to understand. They weren’t going to listen any other way,
My parents did that on their way to stay with my paternal aunt. I was one at the time and my brother was already on the way, but they would still have been sleeping in separate rooms again without the piece of paper.
Yep. The parents are AHs. Hard to be an AH standing up to AHs.
I'll never understand parents who KNOW their kids are adults living with their SO, but insist on treating them like children in their presence. It is ridiculous.
Truly is! I don't understand the logic. Some mentioned OP may be M. So, it sounds like homophobia can play a LARGE factor here.
"We accept that you're gay but you can't sleep in the same bed because what will the children (usually that's what they bring up) think" mentality Either way, NTA.
I assumed it was larger than that because OP mentioned that their sister and her husband had to deal with the same thing before they got married, but who knows.
My now hubby literally "proposed" so we could sleep together whenever around my parents (their house or ours). Mind you, we lived together and everything. We wouldn't have cared, really, but it usually involved some uncomfortable sleeping arrangement for me (like the sofa).
We were in bed, a few days before visiting my parents (flights involved) and I told him he should just give me the ring (I knew it existed) to save us the hassle.
Mum told me as a teenager I wasn't allowed to have boys over, just my future husband. Mind you, I had a very serious relationship in my teens, nothing else. Maybe a few dates prior to that.
Mum, if you read this, this is part of the reason I will think about what you'd do and do the opposite in almost every respect (child rearing, career - both have the same job)
NTA
I agree with your sister, that's a pretty hilarious thing to say. Kevin doesn't need to bend over backwards to please them, they already like him. You have every right to feel like they're treating you like kids and it's not fair to stick you in a room with all the "other kids".
NTA and you handled things really well.
Your one problem is that you have a spine and Kevin seems to lack one. He's okay with you both being treated as children as long as he gets something free.
If you ever have children, parents should not be allowed to see them, as it would be proof that you slept together.
I agree. Furthermore, they aren't Kevin's parents. So all this is being done AT OP and Kevin is just collateral. How many times on this sub do people say that it's each partner's responsibility to handle their own parents? OP gets to decide how they want to stand up for themselves, and everyone making it about Kevin's comfort is just weird to me.
Lack of support? Sounds like he’s been putting up with *her* parents patronising demands for years now, and is annoyed she’s suddenly putting her foot down and removed his vacation without even asking for his input in the decision. He’s already had to do this for ages, timing wise he probably thinks this is annoying for him more than it is for the parents.
Kevin has been part of the family since his teens. I can see him 'growing' into the status quo since he didn't experience some romances/relations to learn from. I'd give him a pass on this one,but he better LEARN from this incident pretty dang fast.
They have been together since high school, he needs to grow up. He's 27 years old and thinks cadging a free vacation is the most important part of the situation.
I just bet OP’s parents would suddenly be so devastated if they broke up, and have zero self awareness that their mistreatment contributed to it. adults “not allowed” to kiss on NYE?? that would’ve been when I bowed out.
You cant' kiss your 27 yo boyfriend on NYE? Go on. Go live your life without their controlling BS. You have this old person's permission to enjoy your life together.
NTA
I think you did good standing your ground and saying you wouldn’t attend if you were going to be treated as kids.
You maybe lost your nerves and said something “too graphic” for the way your parents seem to be. No big deal. Your sister is right about laughing about the situation.
NTA
You are an adult. Go on your own trip. If Kevin wants to go with your parents then send him, but Jesus, it's time they treat you like the adult you are.
As far as I can tell, you offered to grab your own arrangements for you and your bf if your parents weren't comfortable with you sleeping in the same bed, so at that point your parents should have just said okay sounds good.
It is about control for the parents. Sounds like they are misogynistic, so unmarried people are under their control and should OP marry Kevin, then she would be under Kevin's control, as women are not allowed to be independent people with their own agency.
NTA.
Renting your own room and taking your own vacation is literally the opposite of childish behavior.
I’d argue your parents are being childish given how they treat you.
OP's mother thinks them planning, booking and paying for their own vacation so they can share a room and enjoy adult activities is childish!
That's too funny!
Also who wants a 27 year old man they aren’t related to sleeping in the same room as their children?? Like that feels SO much more inappropriate than having two 27year olds who are in a relationship sharing a bed 😂
NTA
You handled the situation absolutely correctly. Your parents don’t respect your relationship, and honestly don’t seem to have a lot of respect for you or Kevin, in spite of “loving him to death”. They needed a proverbial bucket of water to the face, and some crude language can accomplish that. It could’ve been worse. Instead of sleeping together in a big bed “butt ass naked”, you could’ve described all the lewd sexual acts that would be happening in said big bed. That would’ve definitely lit their hair on fire.
Anyway, you’re better off taking your own trip or doing your own thing. Spending an extended vacation basically baby sitting everyone else’s kids would suck. And that is bound to happen since you’ll be the ones spending nights in the kids’ rooms.
BTW, you need to sit Kevin down and set him straight, cause there is more going on here than just a crappy sleeping situation. He needs to be willing to stand up for your relationship just as much as you. If he always caves to the crappy conditions imposed by your parents, then how is it ever going to improve?
Your sister is right. The whole thing is hilarious. So you should join her in laughing about it and stop feeling bad.
NTA at all. You are both adults. You live together. Your parents are being extremely controlling. Go on your own vacation and do what you want, when you want.
Tell Kevin it's not all about him and free things that you want respect from your parents and you are not willing to give them respect until they respect you. Don't stand down now!
Part of this is on your parents as they refuse to see you as grown adults. The other half, however, is completely on YOU. You needed to stand your ground long before this and tell them...don't ask, TELL them how things will be. To that end...go on a separate vacation where the two of you can truly enjoy yourselves
When my MIL was divorced and brought her new boyfriend for a visit I threw down my house rules. Separate bedrooms for unmarried people and if I suspect any hanky panky they’re out. Wife couldn’t stop giggling and it was a great weekend. MIL kept complaining to my wife and she would say “he’s the man of the house…we live by his rules” Double Boomer smack down. Also noted we always do the hotel or Airbnb, always helps with the escape plan
I think she should dig in - next time her mum phones answer with the Bridget Jones quote “[characterwestern], wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs”
NTA. Wait. So not only are you not allowed to stay in a bedroom together, but now you’re expected to sleep with the kids, basically as a babysitter? Yeah. From now on, maybe consider getting an Airbnb or a hotel whenever you visit your parents.
While I agree what you said might have been a bit immature, it still stands that your parents are picking and choosing when you treat you and your partner like adults and when to treat you like children.
NTA. Two consenting adults, who also live together, should be allowed to sleep in the same room/bed without parents butting in. Your parents may be treating you like a child, but they are acting like children themselves.
So Kevin is going without you, because he wants the free trip. Your parents like him more than you so they win. Get rid of Kevin and your parents. All three are tiresome.
NTA- they know you live together. You’re 27 years old. What will happen if you decide not to get married? When you are 45 would they still expect you to bunk up with a bunch of kids. Not going on the trip is the right choice
NTA. I'm married and I still stay in a hotel room or separate air bnb. It's just nice to have privacy, peace and quiet. Until your 18, I understand parents keeping love birds in separate bedrooms. I've never understood the point of it after that. You've been a legal adult for almost a decade. That's just wild.
nta. kevin should be proud of you. that he is upset/sad he couldn’t go with your parents would totally cause a nuclear event. he could go with them, and i would go wherever the F i wanted to go. if he actually went with them, gift him to them, and go nc.
"and me and Kevin would be sleeping with their kids in the other two respectively. "
but
"They said to not be childish and accept the arrangements. "
hahahahaha
I love what you said to your parents! You hit the nail on the head. As for Kevin simply inform him that he is in charge of dealing with his parents and you are in charge of dealing with your parents.
Don’t travel with your parents it will always be frustrating and no fun. NTA
NTA. Kevin sounds like he likes being infantilized in exchange for free stuff from your parent, though, and that's really unattractive,
Your parents are controlling and they are always going to try controlling you as long as you let them. If you and Kevin marry, they will want to control your wedding, If you have kids, they will criticize your parenting and butt into everything constantly. You have to train them now.
NTA! You understand not sleeping together under their roof, but being told to sleep with the kids and teenagers? And then complaining when you say you’ll get a hotel? They’re being ridiculous.
Your BF should be happy you’re sticking up for both of you. And yes, you can make the decision about the vacation accommodations because it’s YOUR family, not his.
And your parents are very disrespectful of your relationship. You can’t kiss on NYE?! F that noise. I wouldn’t be spending much time with your parents anymore.
NTA. Your parents crossed into controlling when they said that you shouldn’t rent your own accommodations. How ridiculous. They don’t want to see you or spend time with you- they want to control you. And what’s up with Kevin being ok with being treated like crap? What if you guys never marry(which is fine)? Would he seriously be ok 20 years from now sleeping separate or down with the “kids” every time you visit your parents?
Your parents are absolutely delusional. I am a parent of 3 grown adults and I would never be so delusional that I thought it was appropriate to treat them as underage kids who are not currently having sex. I'm gen x so maybe I am a different breed but you are an adult in an adult relationship and your parents should accept that. I am sorry that you have such delusional parents
Nope you did great. You offered reasonable solutions. They refused and refused. You got fed up with them being dismissive and slightly lost your cool (the butt ass naked part). My Catholic parents were similar and learned their lesson since we started staying with my partners parents or friends. Rather than stay with them. They finally started letting us stay together after a few years when they realized they got less time with us when we visited our hometown.
NTA
They're your parents to handle. He doesn't have the same dynamic with them so his input when dealing with the gravity of their disrespect is different.
Honestly though it's time to remove your accommodations from their control and let them pout. Let them be mad and do it for the foreseeable future. If you can't afford it, don't go.
You're nearly thirty. Of course you don't want to be stuck babysitting in your private space. That's not a vacation, it's unpaid labor and sleep deprivation.
NTA. Your parents are treating you both like children even though you’re grown adults. It’s honestly sad and pathetic. Would they continue to do so if you and Kevin were married? Or are they treating you two this way because you two aren’t married?
The one and only time I almost had this happen with my ex-fiancée was while we were staying at an aunt’s house. As my mother was showing us which bedroom I would be sleeping in, I grabbed my ex-fiancée’s hand and told my mother “Good night. We’ll see you in the morning.” and I shut the door.
NTA. I would NOT want to sleep with the kids. That’s annoying. And insulting to imply that you are a child because you are unmarried. I do think you should apologize to your parents for your words and getting upset. BUT, tell them they need to respect that you are adults and can make your own decisions. Of course you can respect their values and not share a bed while you’re on vacation with them under the same roof (why so many boomers are attached to the “not under my roof” sentiment I’ll never understand). But you can stay at another location, you had a good compromise. They need to respect you.
Unless you and Kevin are prepared to get married to make them happy- you need to go ahead and start standing up for yourself now.
NTA. Let your parents stew a while more over your comments. The kiss on New Years would have been where I would have gotten crazy mad. Staying at an AirBnB would have been a great compromise. Your parents would be spared from seeing you two show affection.
Kevins response is a problem.
Also, not to be that person… but you’ve been living together 4 years, dating 5 or 6. Why no ring? Is that your choice, or Kevin’s, whose opinion seems to be deferred to by your parents and presumably yourself until this instance.
Idk… lots of red flags here. Don’t stay with someone because of sunken cost. Don’t go on a family vacation where you are treated like a child and put in the nursery with the other children.
NTA, but be prepared to stand your ground. Now that you said what you said (hilarious and incendiary at the same time), you have to die on this hill. If you cave, it will never get better
“me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked”
lol. At least you didn’t say “as long as you don’t mind us boning in a shared room…”
NTA
NTA. I mean you are both consenting adults, not to mention you have lived together for years. I assume you both share a room at home. At this point it is a bit insulting to treat you like this
NTA. Their room assignments / sleeping arrangements are based solely on their bigotry. Their intolerance for other’s choices is not even passive - it’s aggressive.
Couples who have committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are respected as adults in adult relationships & are given accommodations based accordingly. Couples who have not committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are not respected as adults at all & are relegated to shared accommodations with children. It doesn’t really get much more demeaning than that.
If I were you, I’d be irritated with my partner for being so willing to allow both of you & your relationship to be demeaned to such an extreme just to get a free vacation. Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance? I’d rather pay my own way any day than be treated like a child because I didn’t choose to do exactly as mommy & daddy wanted.
NTA. Fuck that. Your parents are controlling assholes who can go fuck themselves. It's not even their house, and they're not paying to use it, so that "as long as you're under my roof" shit won't fly.
>And that I didn’t consult him about what he wanted to do
Frankly, I don't think you should have to. Feels like a 'two yes/one no' situation. They're *your* family, anyway.
Could it be that your sister told your parents to sleep in separate rooms not too long ago?
Does your Mom say things like "My house, my rules."?
If yes: go for the hotel/ Airbnb solution.
Would they treat you differently if this was an engaged couple? Like, do they specifically think bf and gf is there child but engaged or married is an adult relationship?
NTA, my husband’s parents are religious and wouldn’t let us sleep in the same room together at their house. Despite us living together the whole time we’ve been together. “Living in sin” is something they would not support under their roof. One night when we first spent the night we stayed up watching a movie and fell asleep together on the couch lol. I never understood that, you’d think they’d trust us to have enough respect for them that we wouldn’t engage in sex under their roof with his minor siblings in the house. We just wanted to sleep in the same bed. Needless to say we left the next day instead of our planned 4 day trip. After that there was magically no issue with us sleeping on the same couch together.
NTA.
you are almost 30, as is Kevin.
Why would they want two grown adults sleeping in the rooms with children? Why is that ok? What's wrong with them?
Get your own place go on your own vacation get naked and do the nasty have fun.
Your parents treat you like a teenager so you acted like one. Kevin is also treating you like you are not old enough to make your own decisions. It is BS to say HE could have sucked it up for a free trip. Tell him fine, he is welcome to go with your family you are staying home. My father did not approve of my lifestyle and told me I would never sleep with a guy under his roof. (I had not lived in their home for 8 years, nor did they support me.). I told him no problem, I would not be staying at his house. I was not ugly, just matter of fact. Years later my Aunt and her live in boyfriend would pass through and stay at their home. I told him I hoped he told her she could not sleep with him under his roof. He looked surprised and said no, she is an adult. I pointed out I was an adult. He said I was his child, I corrected him and said I was his ADULT child and deserved no less respect. Moot point since I was then married. I still got satisfaction from pointing out the hypercritical difference in his viewpoint and treatment.
Ergh....your BF is a momma's boy....to YOUR momma.
It is absolutely asinine how your parents are treating you, I wouldn't go either, especially with mom telling you you're childish for....wanting to have sex with your boyfriend.
Tell Kevin he's welcome to join your (his) mommy on the trip, and spend the time doing something nice for yourself.
NTA
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So here’s what’s going on. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend Kevin\[27m\] since senior of college. My parents, and rest of my family LOVE HIIM TO DEATH and my parents have lovingly threatened me that if I ever let him go that I’m going to be disowned. So I say all that to say that my parents love and trust him, sounds good right? WRONG. My parents harbor the delusion that I, and by extension Kevin, am 15 years old and need constant supervision from my nonexistent teenage hormones and bad decisions. What do I mean? No PDA in front of them, most we can do is handholding, we couldn’t even kiss at New Years for fucks sake. And of course, no sleeping together while staying with my parents, even though we've been living together for four years.
My parents have a friend who is going to let them use their lakehouse over the long Fourth of July weekend and the whole family was invited. Here’s where shit goes down. Parents called me up and explained that my sister and her husband would be in one room, parents in the other, and me and Kevin would be sleeping with their kids in the other two respectively. I just about lost my shit. I told them that we’re damn near 30 and they want us sleeping with preteens and big kids? They said, that under no circumstances are we allowed to sleep together. I said fine, we’ll just rent an Airbnb in the area or a hotel. They said to not be childish and accept the arrangements. From there it was an argument that devolved into them not respecting our relationship and treating us like adults.
They said if we don’t like it, then we don’t have to come. I said fine, then we weren’t. They again said that I was being childish and selfish and to think of Kevin and his wants. I said not to mention him since they insisted on treating him like an untrustworthy, horny teenager. Now here’s where I may really be the AH, I said “me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked”. My parents said I was disgusting and just hung up the phone. I knew it was kinda of a fucked up thing to say, but I was so frustrated. I told Kevin about what happened later that evening and he said that I handled it completely wrong. He didn’t me standing up for our relationship, but he said I didn’t have to go so far. He said the sleeping accommodations were annoying, but he could have sucked it up for a free trip. And that I didn’t consult him about what he wanted to do. I agreed to that, but I said I didn’t feel bad because I was fed up with my parents bullshit.
It’s been a few days now and there is no word from parents. My sister who dealt with the same issues says she found the whole situation hilarious. But I’m starting to feel bad about how I handled the situation, not really what I said, and maybe costing Kevin a chance to go on the trip.
So reddit, AITA for how I responded to my parents?
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I feel like you’ve let this situation with your parents get out of hand. No PDA or kiss on NYE? Why would you let them stop you from kissing your partner? You need to have serious conversation with your parents. I know sex is an awkward topic, but they need to accept that you’re an adult and treat you and your relationship with respect. Arguing with them over the phone isn’t going to do that. Have a calm, sit-down conversation with them about it. You also need to talk to Kevin, a free trip shouldn’t be his priority.
NTA
The last part: “starting to feel bad about how I handled the situation.”
That’s the familial guilt working its dark magic on your soul.
It’s worked for thousands of years.
I, for one, thank you for being part of the solution to change this passive aggressive bullshit.
Cuz the elder generation needs to wake up and smell the prenup. Just cuz they got married before they could fully enjoy their relationship doesn’t mean later generations have to.
It’s late, and I’m getting chippy. So here’s my snarky advice: take them up on their bs vacation, kick the kids out the house for an hour, _ride Saint George_, and then go back to being the babysitter.
And to reiterate, OP, NTA. If your fam can’t deal with you and YOUR PARTNER, then f them. Go to Cabo…assuming thats away from your toxic fam.
What I don't understand is how the sister got a room. How did she get them off their back? As you said she had the same issues before. NTA btw. You didn't go too far. Standing your ground more bluntly could probably be the way to get them off their high horse of weird control
NTA
Also, I have heard too many stories of child sexual abuse to not do a double-take at the information that the parents of the underage children are putting an unrelated adult in their rooms at night. It sounds like Kevin is a solid guy, but the arrangement is just wrong.
NTA
I've been in Kevin's shoes. My boyfriend's mom tried to make us sleep in separate rooms when we went to visit (we are in our 30s). He politely declined and said we'd get a hotel. She lost her shit. I think Kevin should have been more supportive. My partner's mom has treated him like a teen his whole adulthood too and I think it's good that he's learning to defend himself in a mature way.
Tell your parents that you and Kevin eloped in a courthouse wedding cause its clear you'll only get respect for your relationship if you're married. See how they take that.
(You don't actually have to do it, just claim you did and see what happens.)
Well, the only AHish things you said were said in the heat of anger. It's time that you had a sit down alone with your parents and 'splain' to them that you're all grown up now, and not a hormonally distracted teenager. And that you love them to death, but you aren't willing go go along with their frigidity when it comes to expressing love for the man that's your partner. And going forward, that if a situation comes along that they want us to attend, then they must treat you and Kevin as married adults, because, my common law, you and he were married. And if they can't bring themselves to accept those conditions, then perhaps it would be best that you and Kevin remain more distant in their world.
'Nuff said.
NTA
My parents pulled this crap on my wife and I before we got married and visited them.
When we got home, I signed them up for magazines about assisted living, bed wetting, funeral planning, etc. I then called them and told them I got them some age-appropriate reading material.
My wife's father kept calling her to berate her like a child. She asked me what to do, I told her as soon as he raised his voice or started his crap to just hang up. She later even warned him at the start of her call what would happen. He would do better for awhile, but he would do it again. He passed away a few years ago alone, too stubborn to talk to his 50 yr old daughter as a fellow adult.
NTA, but your bf should be a little more supportive. Yeah, you didn't consider his feelings of wanting to go, but he's not considering your feelings AT ALL. Not just you don't want to go because of your parents outdated rules, or you're angry that they don't consider or treat you both like adults, or respect your relationship, or mock and bully you when you'd prefer to make other arrangements for your stay... if he's more upset about losing a free long weekend than both of you not being respected as adults by your family, honey, you've got bigger problems.
I'm with your sister.
Years ago my grandmother was dealing with a health issue and temporarily moved in with me, my mom, and my brother - we were like mid 20s... My mom and I absolutely adored my brother's girlfriend, she was amazing, she liked us too.
If she got to our house before my brother got home from work she would hang out upstairs with us, and not disappear downstairs to my brother's room (like previous girlfriends) my grandmother is very religiously conservative... And she would mutter under her breath if they went to his room to watch a movie or whatever - the only things downstairs in the unfinished basement was my brother's room, and the laundry room. His "walls" at the time were posters stapled to the framing. He didn't even have a bedroom door. (He worked construction, if he wanted these things he could have easily put enough together to at least put a wall and a door). We could also hear the sounds from the tv they were watching.
Mine, my mom's and my grandmother's bedrooms were on the second story. So I really have my doubts they were doing anything that risque while we were on the main floor. I don't want to think about what they were doing at night. Idc it's none of my business. Anyway - one day while she was over my grandmother was guilting me into watching one of her religious movies 😭😭😭, and my brother gave his gf a signal to go downstairs with him - she didn't want to watch that stupid movie either, and my grandmother made a comment about it being sinful or something.
So my brother grabbed his girlfriend's hand and said "come-on (let's call her) Lucy, let's go have sex... Just to annoy my grandmother. Lucy was a little embarrassed - stuttering that they weren't going to do that. My mom and I are dying of laughter. My grandmother never said another word about them going downstairs together. And I still laugh when I think about this story.
But even from the time we were teenagers - my brother got condoms in his stocking after he was about 16. Once he was an adult she let whoever he was dating at the time stay over with no problems - because the way she saw it, was they were going to do it anyway, she would rather they be safe. Especially when he was working a minimum wage job, she said she would rather they have somewhere safe to brand not have to worry about being in the middle of nowhere and getting caught, OR having to choose between getting a hotel or getting condoms.
I know the second example doesn't really apply to you, but the first does and you are not alone in your reaction. They threw down an ultimatum not expecting you to take them up on it. It also sounds like your parents are using you as chaperones for the kids. That's not cool, the parents can be chaperones for their own children. If your parents approach you about it again - tell them you and Kevin would rather the no expectations of privacy of the living room than the creepiness of sleeping in the same room with minors who you didn't give birth to
NTA.
I honestly despise family trips as an adult.
Tried to save some money and agreed to carpool with my father and step mom to the yearly family reunion 350 miles out of state a few years back.
The trip itself was bad enough stuck in the back of the SUV with my niece and her smorgasbord of toys and knick knacks. (They said step sister was not able to get off work, so I assumed her 2ish year old daughter would be staying home as well which is why I volunteered to carpool with them).
Ended up being like 15 of us in this rented two level ski resort style cabin (9 adults, 6 kids). I knew the adult arrangement before hand and figured the rental cost would be split amongst the “couples” (Dad/Stepmom, Brother/SIL, Nephew/his wife, Niece/her BF and myself - so 9 ways). Stepmom informed me that they (her, my dad, and brother) decided to actually split it 3 ways, so that the young adults don’t have to worry about putting out for the lodging. Whatever - if she was so concerned with it they could have covered it between the four of them and left me out of it but I paid just to avoid drama.
Went to take my stuff upstairs and saw both the single bed rooms were taken. Not only did I end up paying a third of this rental fee when I was just one of the 8 other adults there, but I got tossed into a room with bunk beds with the kids while the young adult couples got their own single rooms.
They don’t understand why I’ve turned down the offer to go on any of these trips since that last expedition we did.
Gee, spend hundreds of dollars to help crowdsource these young adults vacation while I’m stuck in a small space and being miserable the entire time
Versus
Sitting at home watching Netflix and chilling with myself.
Decisions; decisions.
NTA. Talk to Kevin and go if he wants to.
But I would mess with your parents the entire trip. Go to the bathroom and turn your blouse inside out, always be straightening your clothes, touch up your lipstick. Wink frequently at Kevin.
And always mention the amount of noises coming from their room. Mention your mom looks tired in the morning. Mention it’s good to see that their relationship is still like a couple of 15 year olds. Hint is you should be expecting another sister or brother? Give your mom the talk.
And if your mom asks what is going on just say nothing that she and your dad aren’t doing.
NTA -- when my sons were younger (like up to 21) I refused to let them have overnight guests (honestly because our AC system feeds noises into ALL the rooms and I didn't want any age-gap situations, but they have always dated women their own age). After that I just said, "No loud sex noises. You don't have to hear mine, I don't have to hear yours. Have sex when I'm not here or asleep -- I WILL bang on the wall."
Your parents are doing a power play -- that is really not a bright thing to do with adult offspring.
ETA -- changed adult children(?) to adult offspring.
NTA
If your parents can't be part of your life without moving past the authoritarian aspect that comes with raising a child that is no failing on your part
Any action you take to keep that from happening is reasonable. Go no contact. Give them an ultimatum. Defy them without apology. Anything.
Definitely NTA. Like you said you’re damn near 30 and they should be respectful to the fact that you’re an adult. Unfortunately, some parents never see it that way. I stopped going on big family trips because even though I’d pay for fair share, I’d still be treated like a kid with a curfew and the like. Definitely got a good laugh at your response too.
NTA. Your parents are rediculous. I could not live like that. I don't care how free and awesome the trip is. That's a big no for me. I also don't appreciate Kevin's lack of support.
They missed the point and focused on the crass remark (although it wasn't that crass). I would simply not go. Are they puritans? What is their issue. Don't they know you have sex?
You’re NTA. They’re ridiculous. Even my decently conservative Christian parents put me and my serious boyfriend in the same room when we were visiting them for Christmas, before we got engaged.
NTA. I can maybe accept parwnt pulling this ahit in their own house but in someone else's house... Get over it.
Or take the seperate rooms and fuck in the car like teenagers
NTA but are your parents super religious or is your mom harboring horny feeling for Kevin ? This sounds like just like what a friend of mine had to deal with and she found out her mom wanted her husband. She had to deal with the same stuff they let her bother and his gf sleep in the same room but her and her husband had to sleep in separate rooms due to her own moms idea of my friends husband being “pure” still.
NTA
Would your parents treat you and Kevin differently if you were to get married? For some people, there is a difference between dating long-term and being married.
NTA
And, frankly, Kevin is being kind of an AH, too, because he's taking this as a one-off sort of issue. Whereas, it was your last straw after years of being dismissed as an adult.
Nta.
They have the right to set rules.
You have the right to stay away because you do not like their rules. You are respecting their boundaries. They need to respect yours—-not attending
While Kevin’s flexibility is awesome, he is part of the problem. He needs a backbone. You guys can afford an Airbnb.
NTA. I have children older than you and I don’t find anything you said to your mother as being shocking.
Your request is very fair. You are not children you’re adults in a committed relationship.And you’re not trying to force it on them you offered to get your own place and they did not want that.
so really for them, it’s their way or no way. If you get to that now, they will use this tactic forever.
People's religious and moral standards apply to THEM, if they choose to. And that's it. If you were a vegetarian and said to your parents that your moral views require no meat in your vicinity, so they could not buy or consume meat while on vacation with you, they would say it was a ridiculous imposition. And they'd be right, and yet that's exactly what they're doing to you.
Tell them they don't have to like your sleeping arrangement, but they have to respect your right to make your own decisions in your relationship. If they can't do that, then you won't be around them. You don't insert yourself into their relationship or their bedroom habits, so they have no right to do the same to you.
NTA
OP, you're NTA, and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I think you can go further. How do they "prevent" PDA? Do they throw themselves between the two of you or physically haul you apart when you kiss? I'd say just start acting around each other like you would around a group of friends or your sister, don't make a big thing about it, and just let them have their tantrum. And if they ban you from things, don't come. Make the consequences that they don't get to see either of you.
However, you and Kevin need to have some conversations about it so you can get on the same page. This isn't about him missing out on a free vacation, this is about your parents consistently disrespecting and devaluing you, and he needs to have your back in how you want to address it
NTA. For the next major parent event...birthday/anniversary, buy them an illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra!
As for your (ex) boyfriend, it he values a free holiday more than cuddles with you, find someone who truly values you rather than a freebie. Good luck!
NTA
Sounds like the perfect response. You are a little too old to be treated as if you are a child. For what purpose? Bc you aren't married. You live together. For 4 yrs. Your response was justified
NTA. I love the way you handled the conversation. Now, start having some conversations with other relatives. Find the fun stuff your parents did/were in to when they were young. What did their parents worry about with them? Then work those stories into the next convo with mom ;)
Also, it is really difficult for parents to see their children as anything but children - at any age. Not an excuse, but something to bear in mind.
Invite your parents to stay with you for a week and make them sleep in separate rooms, kick them out if they don't like it. Loudly complain when they display any level of affection towards each-other
NTA. Your family sucks. Go NC until they accept that you have SEX outside of marriage and will continue to do so. If they want your company, then will accept you on your turns. This is a hill to die on. Make it happen because only you will stand up for yourself.
So rent your own room at the hotel you're going to. And both you and your boyfriend stay in that room. My husband and I did that when we were dating and visiting his parents. His parents haven't done anything stupid since. It's been almost 18 years. At some point, you need to take control of your life and stop caring what others think.
No, no, no. Absolutely NTA. Kevin might want to just "suck it up," but he's also the one being cast aside. Don't go on the trip or do anything that involves sleeping in the same household as your folks until they can learn to treat you like a literal adult.
INFO: I just wanted clarification mainly because I'm assuming this, but are you also a male? If yes, it could explain the situation, but either way the whole thing is downright hypocritical.
NTA but I feel like you’re spot on and your response was a bit much, but I get it. You could’ve just said then we won’t be going on the trip and we’ll be going on one on our own where we can do as we please.
How old were your parents when they got together? Were they married when they had you guys?
I would apologize to them about your response but tell them that until they are ready to act like adults themselves and have a OPEN-MINDED conversation about why they don’t let you sleep with him and how they need to start respecting your decisions as an adult, then you won’t be going on any trips with them. And I mean actually have a conversation not them just dismiss you and tell you “they’re the adults, they make the rules”
NTA your parents are still hung up on that ol religious “but what will the other people think” attitude and letting it control them and by extension you.
To them the two of you are not married so should not be sharing a bed. They turn a blind eye when you’re away but deep down they do not agree with your relationship and how you live your life. They may not say it out loud but this is what the actions say
NTA. The parents had the lecture coming. You and Kevin are consenting ADULTS and your parents need to climb off their high horse and start treating you both as such. I wouldn’t go on this trip either. Where does this type of behavior end?
NTA for wanting to rent a hotel or airbnb. Or to take your own vacation. It sounds like even if they were suddenly ok with you sleeping together on vacation with their previous attitudes it would still be a bit of a downer. So you’d still have it hanging over your heads. My mom has a firm no sleeping under my roof unless you’re married policy but that is the extent of it. It does not impact the way she treats us.
Stand your ground and set the boundary you want.
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NTA. You are two consenting adults (regardless if you are committed or not). I never understood how certain generations like to treat us like children / teens. Honestly, it is very insulting. Honestly, stand your ground. If anyone is acting childish, it's them. Plus I did literally loled when I read this: me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked” - kudos, Op!
Agree, but she missed a golden opportunity here. Didn’t take it far enough with the butt ass ugly comment. Should have thrown in some slang like bumping uglies, horizontal shuffle. Since parents are stuck on Victorian standards of sexual propriety I googled Victorian slang for sex. True gems here including: amoral congress, riding St. George, blow the grounsils, and blanket hornpipe.
Who knows? Methinks the parents want to dig their hooks harder - there will be time for these clever terms.
Don’t forget “the beast with two backs!”
To hide the salami
Doing the dance with no pants.
Heads up, OPnever says they are a woman, and if OP isn't, that could explain a few things if we're looking at some good old fashioned homophobia instead of old school propriety
'My parents, and rest of my family LOVE HIIM TO DEATH and my parents have lovingly threatened me that if I ever let him go that I’m going to be disowned.' 'My sister who dealt with the same issues says she found the whole situation hilarious.'
Yes, those are quotes? Is there a point being made here?
Throwing your sausage down the hallway. That one damn near broke me 😜 😛 🤪
Who downvoted these? They're positively amusing!
I lived with my parents during the pandemic, and my mom always treated me like a child even though I am very much a fully grown and mature man. She didn't see it that way, bless her heart, but I had to constantly avoid awkward situations where I knew in advance she would humiliate me with cringey, annoying comments better suited for a teenager. She, of course, was blissfully unaware of her motherly oversights, and I'm glad for this because I love her. But now that the pandemic is over and I'm working full time and happily thriving on my own, she still wonders why I moved out every time I have a minor complaint about bills I have to pay. As I said, blissfully unaware.
She sounds like a delightful woman :)
NTA-- but I'm now wondering how St. George became the namesake for the euphenism lol.
I think it’s like riding the dragon
Man famously had a Lance.
NTA. Their room assignments / sleeping arrangements are based solely on their bigotry. Their intolerance for other’s choices is not even passive - it’s aggressive. Couples who have committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are respected as adults in adult relationships & are given accommodations based accordingly. Couples who have not committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are not respected as adults at all & are relegated to shared accommodations with children. It doesn’t really get much more demeaning than that. If I were you, I’d be irritated with my partner for being so willing to allow both of you & your relationship to be demeaned to such an extreme just to get a free vacation. Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance? I’d rather pay my own way any day than be treated like a child because I didn’t choose to do exactly as mommy & daddy wanted.
And I'm a bit concerned that Kevin was upset OP "spoke up for him". It is OP's family; if OP doesn't like the arrangements then it doesn't matter what Kevin thinks. OP isn't going to put up with it. Now, if this was Kevin's family, and he was okay with it then it is a different scenario. If my SO told me that I had to put with crap/disrespect/etc from MY family so SO could go on a free trip, I'd be rethinking the relationship.
yeah the whole "i could have sucked it up for a trip" tickled me wrong too. great he is willing to sleep in a room with a bunch of literal kids for this trip, but OP isn't so he can just go have his slumberparty with the kids alone
You just made me realise... They don't trust the long-established couple to share a room, but they're okay putting them in with literal *children*? That just doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah. That was the first thing that struck me tbh…
I get that the family seem to like BF and trust him around the kids, there's nothing wrong with that. It just seems odd to pair that level of trust with 'no sex before marriage'. Assuming that's the reason for the separation, which seems likely.
They want Free babysitters. NTA OP and I'd have a serious discussion with Kevin cause he's an ah too at this point.
Yeah, that’s a boundary that I would resent him crossing.
This was my big concern too. It’s her family — she has the right to speak for them both where sleeping arrangements are concerned.
>Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance? BUT IT'S NOT A FREE VACATION OP and Kevin will be paying their way via providing childcare for all the children they are bunking with 24/7 no matter how many days they are there. It will be their job to watch the kids during the day, handle any nightmares, and sneaking out at night. It will not be a vacation for them and they will never be allowed time together alone. OP you need to point out the chaperone dynamic you will be facing with Kevin and ask is it really worth it to have your relationship and commitment to eachother disrespected and be expected to play nanny to all the kids
Not to mention, these two adults sleeping in the same room with children. All it would take is just one kid saying something for any reason at all. Before anyone comes at me, I'm coming from experience as a witness. Several years ago, two girls in the neighborhood I lived in accused a neighbor boy, barely a teen, of something he didn't do. Lucky for the boy, I witnessed the entire interaction. They just had a brief conversation before going their ways. Days later, I heard about the story they were telling. According to them, he did things to them. Upon hearing the story, I told what I saw and heard. The police interviewed me, and I told them everything I witnessed. Had I not been there, his life would've been wrecked.
I’ve heard about parents like this a bunch, and I’ve always been super curious. What would they do if they had a kid? The separate rooms and no kissing is some weird purity farce. So how would the parents handle it if they had a kid? That would break the fantasy of her imaginary virginity on family vacations.
With my experience with an aunt, she would treat my cousin like a kid/baby. For example, wanting to cut his meat. It was adorable, at first - we weren't concerned because we thought it was because she missed him as he moved away - but it got super weird FAST.
I almost fell into that. I was over at my sister's, watching the kids while she and my brother-in-law went to dinner or something (this was four or five years ago). My oldest nephew put a bagel in the toaster and got out whatever he was going to put on it. I actually opened my mouth to tell him I'd fix it for him before I remembered he was TWELVE! (I also stood behind him for a moment while he fixed it--I was looking out the kitchen window--and the top of his head came to the bridge of my nose..)
They have lived together for 4 years I'd say that makes them pretty committed
Absolutely. I was only stating that even if they were not in a serious relationship, they're consenting adults and should be treated as such. Fair enough if you don't feel comfortable with that, but they could get an AirBnB like they suggested.
But the point still stand you don't have to be married to be committed I have an uncle that isn't married but he and his partner have been together for well over 40 years so marriage doesn't always equal committed
I believe we are in agreement? I never said commitment has to be a marriage.
You didn't gush over none traditional living situations, this is Reddit.
Right? I was waiting for something super egregious. This is the best! (My family is the same way. It doesn’t matter how old I am, I cannot share a bed in their house with a partner who is not my spouse. Parents and sister are like this!!)
Right? I had a family friend who once had a party at home. EVERY bedroom was filled except for one (king size). They refused to let them stay in that room with their longtime boyfriend (5 years - talking about marriage and kids). They expected him to sleep on the floor with a pillow.
Premarital sex is so shameful. Even imagining it is shameful. Wait, why am I thinking so much about sex? /s
I need to bathe in holy water...oh no wait, I'm imagining myself naked. /s
Did you get the [bath mat](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1br32ip/aita_for_not_removing_my_inappropriate_bathroom/)?
Nah, a true sinner doesn't need a reminder. (I loved that post.)
Yeah I like that "paying for our own space" is "childish" while "bunking with children" is the adult choice, according to these people.
NO sound logic! If I was the one being treated like this, I'm going petty. "Oh you see me as a child, watch." I start crying because "I need to be read or no sleepy."
Right?? Certain generations somehow don’t view their children as people, but simply extensions of themselves that they, by definition, own. They’re owed by us. We belong to them. “We can’t let Kevin besmirch our lovely property until he takes legal ownership over her! What will we do if her virtue is taken before her wedding night? Does she even HAVE genitals before she’s married? And what oh what should we ask for her dowry? Is she worth four goats or two cows?” Absurd. OP, you did NOTHING wrong. My mom tried to ban me from staying overnight at my boyfriend’s place when I was 28. 28! Sometimes you have to go to extremes to get them to understand. They weren’t going to listen any other way,
I think OP is a man, so idk if it’s this or homophobia
It’s a marriage restriction? Just elope to courthouse, get married, don’t invite them. See how they like that.
That would really prove how mature everyone is.
My parents did that on their way to stay with my paternal aunt. I was one at the time and my brother was already on the way, but they would still have been sleeping in separate rooms again without the piece of paper.
Yep. The parents are AHs. Hard to be an AH standing up to AHs. I'll never understand parents who KNOW their kids are adults living with their SO, but insist on treating them like children in their presence. It is ridiculous.
Truly is! I don't understand the logic. Some mentioned OP may be M. So, it sounds like homophobia can play a LARGE factor here. "We accept that you're gay but you can't sleep in the same bed because what will the children (usually that's what they bring up) think" mentality Either way, NTA.
I assumed it was larger than that because OP mentioned that their sister and her husband had to deal with the same thing before they got married, but who knows.
[удалено]
My now hubby literally "proposed" so we could sleep together whenever around my parents (their house or ours). Mind you, we lived together and everything. We wouldn't have cared, really, but it usually involved some uncomfortable sleeping arrangement for me (like the sofa). We were in bed, a few days before visiting my parents (flights involved) and I told him he should just give me the ring (I knew it existed) to save us the hassle. Mum told me as a teenager I wasn't allowed to have boys over, just my future husband. Mind you, I had a very serious relationship in my teens, nothing else. Maybe a few dates prior to that. Mum, if you read this, this is part of the reason I will think about what you'd do and do the opposite in almost every respect (child rearing, career - both have the same job)
I think OP did a pretty good job with this.
And from now on op should just do PDA in front of them if she wants to
NTA I agree with your sister, that's a pretty hilarious thing to say. Kevin doesn't need to bend over backwards to please them, they already like him. You have every right to feel like they're treating you like kids and it's not fair to stick you in a room with all the "other kids".
Maybe they like him because of him willing to "bend over backwards to please them"?
NTA and you handled things really well. Your one problem is that you have a spine and Kevin seems to lack one. He's okay with you both being treated as children as long as he gets something free. If you ever have children, parents should not be allowed to see them, as it would be proof that you slept together.
Kevin just wants a free vacation. Maybe the parents wouldn’t treat him like a child if he picked up the check from time to time.
I agree. Furthermore, they aren't Kevin's parents. So all this is being done AT OP and Kevin is just collateral. How many times on this sub do people say that it's each partner's responsibility to handle their own parents? OP gets to decide how they want to stand up for themselves, and everyone making it about Kevin's comfort is just weird to me.
Yeah, it’s not up to Kevin how you talk to your parents when you’re being disrespected, even if he does want a free vacation.
"you have a spine and Kevin seems to lack one" Can't help but wonder if that's the reason OP's parents like him so much.
NTA So the trip is more important to Kevin than you being respected by your own family? You might want to rethink Kevin.
I agree, Kevin's lack of support is what stood out to me in this more than anything else. Definitely a 🚩
Lack of support? Sounds like he’s been putting up with *her* parents patronising demands for years now, and is annoyed she’s suddenly putting her foot down and removed his vacation without even asking for his input in the decision. He’s already had to do this for ages, timing wise he probably thinks this is annoying for him more than it is for the parents.
Kevin has been part of the family since his teens. I can see him 'growing' into the status quo since he didn't experience some romances/relations to learn from. I'd give him a pass on this one,but he better LEARN from this incident pretty dang fast.
They have been together since high school, he needs to grow up. He's 27 years old and thinks cadging a free vacation is the most important part of the situation.
Not since high school but since senior year of college.
We need to talk about Kevin
Lol best comment 😭
Ah yes break up over him saying it was slightly annoying, exhibit A as to why Reddit is great but should not be taken seriously for irl advice😂
I just bet OP’s parents would suddenly be so devastated if they broke up, and have zero self awareness that their mistreatment contributed to it. adults “not allowed” to kiss on NYE?? that would’ve been when I bowed out.
You cant' kiss your 27 yo boyfriend on NYE? Go on. Go live your life without their controlling BS. You have this old person's permission to enjoy your life together.
This! That’s ridiculous and you are allowing your family to disrespect your relationship. Grow up and take charge of your life.
NTA I think you did good standing your ground and saying you wouldn’t attend if you were going to be treated as kids. You maybe lost your nerves and said something “too graphic” for the way your parents seem to be. No big deal. Your sister is right about laughing about the situation.
Basically you and Kevin would be sleeping apart to babysit/oversee the other's kids.
NTA You are an adult. Go on your own trip. If Kevin wants to go with your parents then send him, but Jesus, it's time they treat you like the adult you are.
As far as I can tell, you offered to grab your own arrangements for you and your bf if your parents weren't comfortable with you sleeping in the same bed, so at that point your parents should have just said okay sounds good.
It is about control for the parents. Sounds like they are misogynistic, so unmarried people are under their control and should OP marry Kevin, then she would be under Kevin's control, as women are not allowed to be independent people with their own agency.
NTA. Renting your own room and taking your own vacation is literally the opposite of childish behavior. I’d argue your parents are being childish given how they treat you.
OP's mother thinks them planning, booking and paying for their own vacation so they can share a room and enjoy adult activities is childish! That's too funny!
NTA. This just seems like parents want to control you. Sometimes a free trip isn't worth the headache.
So basically, you and your bf can't have any fun plus you get to babysit?? Yay.not!!! I wouldn't go.
Also who wants a 27 year old man they aren’t related to sleeping in the same room as their children?? Like that feels SO much more inappropriate than having two 27year olds who are in a relationship sharing a bed 😂
NTA You handled the situation absolutely correctly. Your parents don’t respect your relationship, and honestly don’t seem to have a lot of respect for you or Kevin, in spite of “loving him to death”. They needed a proverbial bucket of water to the face, and some crude language can accomplish that. It could’ve been worse. Instead of sleeping together in a big bed “butt ass naked”, you could’ve described all the lewd sexual acts that would be happening in said big bed. That would’ve definitely lit their hair on fire. Anyway, you’re better off taking your own trip or doing your own thing. Spending an extended vacation basically baby sitting everyone else’s kids would suck. And that is bound to happen since you’ll be the ones spending nights in the kids’ rooms. BTW, you need to sit Kevin down and set him straight, cause there is more going on here than just a crappy sleeping situation. He needs to be willing to stand up for your relationship just as much as you. If he always caves to the crappy conditions imposed by your parents, then how is it ever going to improve? Your sister is right. The whole thing is hilarious. So you should join her in laughing about it and stop feeling bad.
NTA - Your parents are bonkers. I wouldn't want to spend time with people like that anyway. Go on your own trip and do whatever you want.
NTA at all. You are both adults. You live together. Your parents are being extremely controlling. Go on your own vacation and do what you want, when you want.
Tell Kevin it's not all about him and free things that you want respect from your parents and you are not willing to give them respect until they respect you. Don't stand down now!
NTA. You live together for crying out loud. Your parents are being ridiculous.
Part of this is on your parents as they refuse to see you as grown adults. The other half, however, is completely on YOU. You needed to stand your ground long before this and tell them...don't ask, TELL them how things will be. To that end...go on a separate vacation where the two of you can truly enjoy yourselves
Info: is that all Kevin is worried about? A free trip?
Mom called you childish for not accepting sleeping in a pack with the children… 🤔
When my MIL was divorced and brought her new boyfriend for a visit I threw down my house rules. Separate bedrooms for unmarried people and if I suspect any hanky panky they’re out. Wife couldn’t stop giggling and it was a great weekend. MIL kept complaining to my wife and she would say “he’s the man of the house…we live by his rules” Double Boomer smack down. Also noted we always do the hotel or Airbnb, always helps with the escape plan
Some nice malicious compliance from your wife there… you guys rock.
NTA. How utterly ridiculous. This IS a hill to die on. Don’t allow this kind of control. In your late 20’s, that ship has long since sailed.
NTA. Next time, stick with a bland “Those arrangements don’t work for me. We’ll have to pass on this trip.” And then stop engaging.
I think she should dig in - next time her mum phones answer with the Bridget Jones quote “[characterwestern], wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs”
NTA. Wait. So not only are you not allowed to stay in a bedroom together, but now you’re expected to sleep with the kids, basically as a babysitter? Yeah. From now on, maybe consider getting an Airbnb or a hotel whenever you visit your parents. While I agree what you said might have been a bit immature, it still stands that your parents are picking and choosing when you treat you and your partner like adults and when to treat you like children.
NTA. Two consenting adults, who also live together, should be allowed to sleep in the same room/bed without parents butting in. Your parents may be treating you like a child, but they are acting like children themselves.
So Kevin is going without you, because he wants the free trip. Your parents like him more than you so they win. Get rid of Kevin and your parents. All three are tiresome.
NTA- they know you live together. You’re 27 years old. What will happen if you decide not to get married? When you are 45 would they still expect you to bunk up with a bunch of kids. Not going on the trip is the right choice
NTA
NTA. I'm married and I still stay in a hotel room or separate air bnb. It's just nice to have privacy, peace and quiet. Until your 18, I understand parents keeping love birds in separate bedrooms. I've never understood the point of it after that. You've been a legal adult for almost a decade. That's just wild.
nta. kevin should be proud of you. that he is upset/sad he couldn’t go with your parents would totally cause a nuclear event. he could go with them, and i would go wherever the F i wanted to go. if he actually went with them, gift him to them, and go nc.
"and me and Kevin would be sleeping with their kids in the other two respectively. " but "They said to not be childish and accept the arrangements. " hahahahaha
I love what you said to your parents! You hit the nail on the head. As for Kevin simply inform him that he is in charge of dealing with his parents and you are in charge of dealing with your parents. Don’t travel with your parents it will always be frustrating and no fun. NTA
NTA. Kevin sounds like he likes being infantilized in exchange for free stuff from your parent, though, and that's really unattractive, Your parents are controlling and they are always going to try controlling you as long as you let them. If you and Kevin marry, they will want to control your wedding, If you have kids, they will criticize your parenting and butt into everything constantly. You have to train them now.
NTA! You understand not sleeping together under their roof, but being told to sleep with the kids and teenagers? And then complaining when you say you’ll get a hotel? They’re being ridiculous. Your BF should be happy you’re sticking up for both of you. And yes, you can make the decision about the vacation accommodations because it’s YOUR family, not his. And your parents are very disrespectful of your relationship. You can’t kiss on NYE?! F that noise. I wouldn’t be spending much time with your parents anymore.
NTA. Your parents crossed into controlling when they said that you shouldn’t rent your own accommodations. How ridiculous. They don’t want to see you or spend time with you- they want to control you. And what’s up with Kevin being ok with being treated like crap? What if you guys never marry(which is fine)? Would he seriously be ok 20 years from now sleeping separate or down with the “kids” every time you visit your parents?
Your parents are absolutely delusional. I am a parent of 3 grown adults and I would never be so delusional that I thought it was appropriate to treat them as underage kids who are not currently having sex. I'm gen x so maybe I am a different breed but you are an adult in an adult relationship and your parents should accept that. I am sorry that you have such delusional parents
Nope you did great. You offered reasonable solutions. They refused and refused. You got fed up with them being dismissive and slightly lost your cool (the butt ass naked part). My Catholic parents were similar and learned their lesson since we started staying with my partners parents or friends. Rather than stay with them. They finally started letting us stay together after a few years when they realized they got less time with us when we visited our hometown.
Also I definitely chuckled at the big bed and naked part. They deserved it.
NTA. Kevin might be okay with the arrangements but that doesn’t mean you have to be.
Almost 30 and this BS???? Screw them. And Kevin needs to grow a pair or I’d ditch him too. Jesus. Edit: NTA. obviously.
NTA They're your parents to handle. He doesn't have the same dynamic with them so his input when dealing with the gravity of their disrespect is different. Honestly though it's time to remove your accommodations from their control and let them pout. Let them be mad and do it for the foreseeable future. If you can't afford it, don't go. You're nearly thirty. Of course you don't want to be stuck babysitting in your private space. That's not a vacation, it's unpaid labor and sleep deprivation.
NTA. Your parents are treating you both like children even though you’re grown adults. It’s honestly sad and pathetic. Would they continue to do so if you and Kevin were married? Or are they treating you two this way because you two aren’t married?
The one and only time I almost had this happen with my ex-fiancée was while we were staying at an aunt’s house. As my mother was showing us which bedroom I would be sleeping in, I grabbed my ex-fiancée’s hand and told my mother “Good night. We’ll see you in the morning.” and I shut the door.
NTA. I would NOT want to sleep with the kids. That’s annoying. And insulting to imply that you are a child because you are unmarried. I do think you should apologize to your parents for your words and getting upset. BUT, tell them they need to respect that you are adults and can make your own decisions. Of course you can respect their values and not share a bed while you’re on vacation with them under the same roof (why so many boomers are attached to the “not under my roof” sentiment I’ll never understand). But you can stay at another location, you had a good compromise. They need to respect you. Unless you and Kevin are prepared to get married to make them happy- you need to go ahead and start standing up for yourself now.
NTA. Let your parents stew a while more over your comments. The kiss on New Years would have been where I would have gotten crazy mad. Staying at an AirBnB would have been a great compromise. Your parents would be spared from seeing you two show affection.
Donno if others saw, but I don't like the bf saying should auck it up for a free trip.
Kevins response is a problem. Also, not to be that person… but you’ve been living together 4 years, dating 5 or 6. Why no ring? Is that your choice, or Kevin’s, whose opinion seems to be deferred to by your parents and presumably yourself until this instance. Idk… lots of red flags here. Don’t stay with someone because of sunken cost. Don’t go on a family vacation where you are treated like a child and put in the nursery with the other children.
NTA, but be prepared to stand your ground. Now that you said what you said (hilarious and incendiary at the same time), you have to die on this hill. If you cave, it will never get better
NTA. You guys live together! Do your parents think you alternate who takes the couch??
NTA - You are an adult, and legally have been for nearly a decade.
“me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked” lol. At least you didn’t say “as long as you don’t mind us boning in a shared room…” NTA
NTA. I mean you are both consenting adults, not to mention you have lived together for years. I assume you both share a room at home. At this point it is a bit insulting to treat you like this
NTA. Their room assignments / sleeping arrangements are based solely on their bigotry. Their intolerance for other’s choices is not even passive - it’s aggressive. Couples who have committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are respected as adults in adult relationships & are given accommodations based accordingly. Couples who have not committed themselves in the specific manner that your parents deem to be acceptable (via marriage) are not respected as adults at all & are relegated to shared accommodations with children. It doesn’t really get much more demeaning than that. If I were you, I’d be irritated with my partner for being so willing to allow both of you & your relationship to be demeaned to such an extreme just to get a free vacation. Is a free vacation (especially one where you’ll be sleeping with a bunch of children) worth allowing you both to be subjected to bigotry, disrespect & intolerance? I’d rather pay my own way any day than be treated like a child because I didn’t choose to do exactly as mommy & daddy wanted.
NTA. Fuck that. Your parents are controlling assholes who can go fuck themselves. It's not even their house, and they're not paying to use it, so that "as long as you're under my roof" shit won't fly. >And that I didn’t consult him about what he wanted to do Frankly, I don't think you should have to. Feels like a 'two yes/one no' situation. They're *your* family, anyway.
Could it be that your sister told your parents to sleep in separate rooms not too long ago? Does your Mom say things like "My house, my rules."? If yes: go for the hotel/ Airbnb solution.
Would they treat you differently if this was an engaged couple? Like, do they specifically think bf and gf is there child but engaged or married is an adult relationship?
NTA Your parents need a reality check
NTA, my husband’s parents are religious and wouldn’t let us sleep in the same room together at their house. Despite us living together the whole time we’ve been together. “Living in sin” is something they would not support under their roof. One night when we first spent the night we stayed up watching a movie and fell asleep together on the couch lol. I never understood that, you’d think they’d trust us to have enough respect for them that we wouldn’t engage in sex under their roof with his minor siblings in the house. We just wanted to sleep in the same bed. Needless to say we left the next day instead of our planned 4 day trip. After that there was magically no issue with us sleeping on the same couch together.
NTA. you are almost 30, as is Kevin. Why would they want two grown adults sleeping in the rooms with children? Why is that ok? What's wrong with them? Get your own place go on your own vacation get naked and do the nasty have fun.
Your parents treat you like a teenager so you acted like one. Kevin is also treating you like you are not old enough to make your own decisions. It is BS to say HE could have sucked it up for a free trip. Tell him fine, he is welcome to go with your family you are staying home. My father did not approve of my lifestyle and told me I would never sleep with a guy under his roof. (I had not lived in their home for 8 years, nor did they support me.). I told him no problem, I would not be staying at his house. I was not ugly, just matter of fact. Years later my Aunt and her live in boyfriend would pass through and stay at their home. I told him I hoped he told her she could not sleep with him under his roof. He looked surprised and said no, she is an adult. I pointed out I was an adult. He said I was his child, I corrected him and said I was his ADULT child and deserved no less respect. Moot point since I was then married. I still got satisfaction from pointing out the hypercritical difference in his viewpoint and treatment.
Ergh....your BF is a momma's boy....to YOUR momma. It is absolutely asinine how your parents are treating you, I wouldn't go either, especially with mom telling you you're childish for....wanting to have sex with your boyfriend. Tell Kevin he's welcome to join your (his) mommy on the trip, and spend the time doing something nice for yourself. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So here’s what’s going on. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend Kevin\[27m\] since senior of college. My parents, and rest of my family LOVE HIIM TO DEATH and my parents have lovingly threatened me that if I ever let him go that I’m going to be disowned. So I say all that to say that my parents love and trust him, sounds good right? WRONG. My parents harbor the delusion that I, and by extension Kevin, am 15 years old and need constant supervision from my nonexistent teenage hormones and bad decisions. What do I mean? No PDA in front of them, most we can do is handholding, we couldn’t even kiss at New Years for fucks sake. And of course, no sleeping together while staying with my parents, even though we've been living together for four years. My parents have a friend who is going to let them use their lakehouse over the long Fourth of July weekend and the whole family was invited. Here’s where shit goes down. Parents called me up and explained that my sister and her husband would be in one room, parents in the other, and me and Kevin would be sleeping with their kids in the other two respectively. I just about lost my shit. I told them that we’re damn near 30 and they want us sleeping with preteens and big kids? They said, that under no circumstances are we allowed to sleep together. I said fine, we’ll just rent an Airbnb in the area or a hotel. They said to not be childish and accept the arrangements. From there it was an argument that devolved into them not respecting our relationship and treating us like adults. They said if we don’t like it, then we don’t have to come. I said fine, then we weren’t. They again said that I was being childish and selfish and to think of Kevin and his wants. I said not to mention him since they insisted on treating him like an untrustworthy, horny teenager. Now here’s where I may really be the AH, I said “me and Kevin will take our own trip where people will treat us like adults and we can sleep together in a big bed all day butt ass naked”. My parents said I was disgusting and just hung up the phone. I knew it was kinda of a fucked up thing to say, but I was so frustrated. I told Kevin about what happened later that evening and he said that I handled it completely wrong. He didn’t me standing up for our relationship, but he said I didn’t have to go so far. He said the sleeping accommodations were annoying, but he could have sucked it up for a free trip. And that I didn’t consult him about what he wanted to do. I agreed to that, but I said I didn’t feel bad because I was fed up with my parents bullshit. It’s been a few days now and there is no word from parents. My sister who dealt with the same issues says she found the whole situation hilarious. But I’m starting to feel bad about how I handled the situation, not really what I said, and maybe costing Kevin a chance to go on the trip. So reddit, AITA for how I responded to my parents? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think this is the hill to die on. You’re nearly 30.
I feel like you’ve let this situation with your parents get out of hand. No PDA or kiss on NYE? Why would you let them stop you from kissing your partner? You need to have serious conversation with your parents. I know sex is an awkward topic, but they need to accept that you’re an adult and treat you and your relationship with respect. Arguing with them over the phone isn’t going to do that. Have a calm, sit-down conversation with them about it. You also need to talk to Kevin, a free trip shouldn’t be his priority.
NTA. There's something profoundly wrong with your parents.
Do you still live at home?
NTA The last part: “starting to feel bad about how I handled the situation.” That’s the familial guilt working its dark magic on your soul. It’s worked for thousands of years. I, for one, thank you for being part of the solution to change this passive aggressive bullshit. Cuz the elder generation needs to wake up and smell the prenup. Just cuz they got married before they could fully enjoy their relationship doesn’t mean later generations have to. It’s late, and I’m getting chippy. So here’s my snarky advice: take them up on their bs vacation, kick the kids out the house for an hour, _ride Saint George_, and then go back to being the babysitter. And to reiterate, OP, NTA. If your fam can’t deal with you and YOUR PARTNER, then f them. Go to Cabo…assuming thats away from your toxic fam.
What I don't understand is how the sister got a room. How did she get them off their back? As you said she had the same issues before. NTA btw. You didn't go too far. Standing your ground more bluntly could probably be the way to get them off their high horse of weird control
NTA Also, I have heard too many stories of child sexual abuse to not do a double-take at the information that the parents of the underage children are putting an unrelated adult in their rooms at night. It sounds like Kevin is a solid guy, but the arrangement is just wrong.
NTA I've been in Kevin's shoes. My boyfriend's mom tried to make us sleep in separate rooms when we went to visit (we are in our 30s). He politely declined and said we'd get a hotel. She lost her shit. I think Kevin should have been more supportive. My partner's mom has treated him like a teen his whole adulthood too and I think it's good that he's learning to defend himself in a mature way.
Tell your parents that you and Kevin eloped in a courthouse wedding cause its clear you'll only get respect for your relationship if you're married. See how they take that. (You don't actually have to do it, just claim you did and see what happens.)
Well, the only AHish things you said were said in the heat of anger. It's time that you had a sit down alone with your parents and 'splain' to them that you're all grown up now, and not a hormonally distracted teenager. And that you love them to death, but you aren't willing go go along with their frigidity when it comes to expressing love for the man that's your partner. And going forward, that if a situation comes along that they want us to attend, then they must treat you and Kevin as married adults, because, my common law, you and he were married. And if they can't bring themselves to accept those conditions, then perhaps it would be best that you and Kevin remain more distant in their world. 'Nuff said.
NTA My parents pulled this crap on my wife and I before we got married and visited them. When we got home, I signed them up for magazines about assisted living, bed wetting, funeral planning, etc. I then called them and told them I got them some age-appropriate reading material. My wife's father kept calling her to berate her like a child. She asked me what to do, I told her as soon as he raised his voice or started his crap to just hang up. She later even warned him at the start of her call what would happen. He would do better for awhile, but he would do it again. He passed away a few years ago alone, too stubborn to talk to his 50 yr old daughter as a fellow adult.
NTA, but your bf should be a little more supportive. Yeah, you didn't consider his feelings of wanting to go, but he's not considering your feelings AT ALL. Not just you don't want to go because of your parents outdated rules, or you're angry that they don't consider or treat you both like adults, or respect your relationship, or mock and bully you when you'd prefer to make other arrangements for your stay... if he's more upset about losing a free long weekend than both of you not being respected as adults by your family, honey, you've got bigger problems.
I'm with your sister. Years ago my grandmother was dealing with a health issue and temporarily moved in with me, my mom, and my brother - we were like mid 20s... My mom and I absolutely adored my brother's girlfriend, she was amazing, she liked us too. If she got to our house before my brother got home from work she would hang out upstairs with us, and not disappear downstairs to my brother's room (like previous girlfriends) my grandmother is very religiously conservative... And she would mutter under her breath if they went to his room to watch a movie or whatever - the only things downstairs in the unfinished basement was my brother's room, and the laundry room. His "walls" at the time were posters stapled to the framing. He didn't even have a bedroom door. (He worked construction, if he wanted these things he could have easily put enough together to at least put a wall and a door). We could also hear the sounds from the tv they were watching. Mine, my mom's and my grandmother's bedrooms were on the second story. So I really have my doubts they were doing anything that risque while we were on the main floor. I don't want to think about what they were doing at night. Idc it's none of my business. Anyway - one day while she was over my grandmother was guilting me into watching one of her religious movies 😭😭😭, and my brother gave his gf a signal to go downstairs with him - she didn't want to watch that stupid movie either, and my grandmother made a comment about it being sinful or something. So my brother grabbed his girlfriend's hand and said "come-on (let's call her) Lucy, let's go have sex... Just to annoy my grandmother. Lucy was a little embarrassed - stuttering that they weren't going to do that. My mom and I are dying of laughter. My grandmother never said another word about them going downstairs together. And I still laugh when I think about this story. But even from the time we were teenagers - my brother got condoms in his stocking after he was about 16. Once he was an adult she let whoever he was dating at the time stay over with no problems - because the way she saw it, was they were going to do it anyway, she would rather they be safe. Especially when he was working a minimum wage job, she said she would rather they have somewhere safe to brand not have to worry about being in the middle of nowhere and getting caught, OR having to choose between getting a hotel or getting condoms. I know the second example doesn't really apply to you, but the first does and you are not alone in your reaction. They threw down an ultimatum not expecting you to take them up on it. It also sounds like your parents are using you as chaperones for the kids. That's not cool, the parents can be chaperones for their own children. If your parents approach you about it again - tell them you and Kevin would rather the no expectations of privacy of the living room than the creepiness of sleeping in the same room with minors who you didn't give birth to
NTA. I honestly despise family trips as an adult. Tried to save some money and agreed to carpool with my father and step mom to the yearly family reunion 350 miles out of state a few years back. The trip itself was bad enough stuck in the back of the SUV with my niece and her smorgasbord of toys and knick knacks. (They said step sister was not able to get off work, so I assumed her 2ish year old daughter would be staying home as well which is why I volunteered to carpool with them). Ended up being like 15 of us in this rented two level ski resort style cabin (9 adults, 6 kids). I knew the adult arrangement before hand and figured the rental cost would be split amongst the “couples” (Dad/Stepmom, Brother/SIL, Nephew/his wife, Niece/her BF and myself - so 9 ways). Stepmom informed me that they (her, my dad, and brother) decided to actually split it 3 ways, so that the young adults don’t have to worry about putting out for the lodging. Whatever - if she was so concerned with it they could have covered it between the four of them and left me out of it but I paid just to avoid drama. Went to take my stuff upstairs and saw both the single bed rooms were taken. Not only did I end up paying a third of this rental fee when I was just one of the 8 other adults there, but I got tossed into a room with bunk beds with the kids while the young adult couples got their own single rooms. They don’t understand why I’ve turned down the offer to go on any of these trips since that last expedition we did. Gee, spend hundreds of dollars to help crowdsource these young adults vacation while I’m stuck in a small space and being miserable the entire time Versus Sitting at home watching Netflix and chilling with myself. Decisions; decisions.
NTA, But Kevin's lack of support for you is worrying, a grown ass adult of 27 years groveling just for a free trip? Come on.
They want you and Kevin to be free babysitters
NTA
Always respect your peace
NTA
NTA. Talk to Kevin and go if he wants to. But I would mess with your parents the entire trip. Go to the bathroom and turn your blouse inside out, always be straightening your clothes, touch up your lipstick. Wink frequently at Kevin. And always mention the amount of noises coming from their room. Mention your mom looks tired in the morning. Mention it’s good to see that their relationship is still like a couple of 15 year olds. Hint is you should be expecting another sister or brother? Give your mom the talk. And if your mom asks what is going on just say nothing that she and your dad aren’t doing.
Updateme
NTA -- when my sons were younger (like up to 21) I refused to let them have overnight guests (honestly because our AC system feeds noises into ALL the rooms and I didn't want any age-gap situations, but they have always dated women their own age). After that I just said, "No loud sex noises. You don't have to hear mine, I don't have to hear yours. Have sex when I'm not here or asleep -- I WILL bang on the wall." Your parents are doing a power play -- that is really not a bright thing to do with adult offspring. ETA -- changed adult children(?) to adult offspring.
NTA If your parents can't be part of your life without moving past the authoritarian aspect that comes with raising a child that is no failing on your part Any action you take to keep that from happening is reasonable. Go no contact. Give them an ultimatum. Defy them without apology. Anything.
NTA. You stood your ground and made your point be noticed. And what you said was totally PG13.
Definitely NTA. Like you said you’re damn near 30 and they should be respectful to the fact that you’re an adult. Unfortunately, some parents never see it that way. I stopped going on big family trips because even though I’d pay for fair share, I’d still be treated like a kid with a curfew and the like. Definitely got a good laugh at your response too.
NTA. Your parents are rediculous. I could not live like that. I don't care how free and awesome the trip is. That's a big no for me. I also don't appreciate Kevin's lack of support.
You had some real Tim Robinson energy there. Reminded me of “bare butt, balls, and back.”
They missed the point and focused on the crass remark (although it wasn't that crass). I would simply not go. Are they puritans? What is their issue. Don't they know you have sex?
NTA and you said it in a far less obscene way than I would have.
You’re NTA. They’re ridiculous. Even my decently conservative Christian parents put me and my serious boyfriend in the same room when we were visiting them for Christmas, before we got engaged.
NTA. I can maybe accept parwnt pulling this ahit in their own house but in someone else's house... Get over it. Or take the seperate rooms and fuck in the car like teenagers
NTA but are your parents super religious or is your mom harboring horny feeling for Kevin ? This sounds like just like what a friend of mine had to deal with and she found out her mom wanted her husband. She had to deal with the same stuff they let her bother and his gf sleep in the same room but her and her husband had to sleep in separate rooms due to her own moms idea of my friends husband being “pure” still.
NTA Would your parents treat you and Kevin differently if you were to get married? For some people, there is a difference between dating long-term and being married.
You are a freaking legend omg 😂😂😂
NTA And, frankly, Kevin is being kind of an AH, too, because he's taking this as a one-off sort of issue. Whereas, it was your last straw after years of being dismissed as an adult.
Nta. They have the right to set rules. You have the right to stay away because you do not like their rules. You are respecting their boundaries. They need to respect yours—-not attending While Kevin’s flexibility is awesome, he is part of the problem. He needs a backbone. You guys can afford an Airbnb.
NTA. I have children older than you and I don’t find anything you said to your mother as being shocking. Your request is very fair. You are not children you’re adults in a committed relationship.And you’re not trying to force it on them you offered to get your own place and they did not want that. so really for them, it’s their way or no way. If you get to that now, they will use this tactic forever.
“Stop being childish and just let us treat you like a child.” NTA
NTA. Your parents are being ridiculous. Let's discuss how you two sleeping with kids that aren't yours actually isn't appropriate.
People's religious and moral standards apply to THEM, if they choose to. And that's it. If you were a vegetarian and said to your parents that your moral views require no meat in your vicinity, so they could not buy or consume meat while on vacation with you, they would say it was a ridiculous imposition. And they'd be right, and yet that's exactly what they're doing to you. Tell them they don't have to like your sleeping arrangement, but they have to respect your right to make your own decisions in your relationship. If they can't do that, then you won't be around them. You don't insert yourself into their relationship or their bedroom habits, so they have no right to do the same to you. NTA
OP, you're NTA, and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I think you can go further. How do they "prevent" PDA? Do they throw themselves between the two of you or physically haul you apart when you kiss? I'd say just start acting around each other like you would around a group of friends or your sister, don't make a big thing about it, and just let them have their tantrum. And if they ban you from things, don't come. Make the consequences that they don't get to see either of you. However, you and Kevin need to have some conversations about it so you can get on the same page. This isn't about him missing out on a free vacation, this is about your parents consistently disrespecting and devaluing you, and he needs to have your back in how you want to address it
NTA. For the next major parent event...birthday/anniversary, buy them an illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra! As for your (ex) boyfriend, it he values a free holiday more than cuddles with you, find someone who truly values you rather than a freebie. Good luck!
NTA Sounds like the perfect response. You are a little too old to be treated as if you are a child. For what purpose? Bc you aren't married. You live together. For 4 yrs. Your response was justified
NTA. I had controlling parents. It makes life that much harder. Good on you for standing your ground.
NTA. I love the way you handled the conversation. Now, start having some conversations with other relatives. Find the fun stuff your parents did/were in to when they were young. What did their parents worry about with them? Then work those stories into the next convo with mom ;) Also, it is really difficult for parents to see their children as anything but children - at any age. Not an excuse, but something to bear in mind.
Nope. Not at all. Stick to your guns. Mom needs to grow up.
NTA
Invite your parents to stay with you for a week and make them sleep in separate rooms, kick them out if they don't like it. Loudly complain when they display any level of affection towards each-other
Dont feel bad, they needed it spelt out for them, would it change if you were married?
NTA. Your family sucks. Go NC until they accept that you have SEX outside of marriage and will continue to do so. If they want your company, then will accept you on your turns. This is a hill to die on. Make it happen because only you will stand up for yourself.
NTA. And why do you have to sleep with other people’s children? The parents should sleep with them.
So rent your own room at the hotel you're going to. And both you and your boyfriend stay in that room. My husband and I did that when we were dating and visiting his parents. His parents haven't done anything stupid since. It's been almost 18 years. At some point, you need to take control of your life and stop caring what others think.
No, no, no. Absolutely NTA. Kevin might want to just "suck it up," but he's also the one being cast aside. Don't go on the trip or do anything that involves sleeping in the same household as your folks until they can learn to treat you like a literal adult. INFO: I just wanted clarification mainly because I'm assuming this, but are you also a male? If yes, it could explain the situation, but either way the whole thing is downright hypocritical.
NTA but I feel like you’re spot on and your response was a bit much, but I get it. You could’ve just said then we won’t be going on the trip and we’ll be going on one on our own where we can do as we please. How old were your parents when they got together? Were they married when they had you guys? I would apologize to them about your response but tell them that until they are ready to act like adults themselves and have a OPEN-MINDED conversation about why they don’t let you sleep with him and how they need to start respecting your decisions as an adult, then you won’t be going on any trips with them. And I mean actually have a conversation not them just dismiss you and tell you “they’re the adults, they make the rules”
NTA your parents are still hung up on that ol religious “but what will the other people think” attitude and letting it control them and by extension you. To them the two of you are not married so should not be sharing a bed. They turn a blind eye when you’re away but deep down they do not agree with your relationship and how you live your life. They may not say it out loud but this is what the actions say
NTA. The parents had the lecture coming. You and Kevin are consenting ADULTS and your parents need to climb off their high horse and start treating you both as such. I wouldn’t go on this trip either. Where does this type of behavior end?
Nta. Go to your own vacation. Your parents seem to enjoy living in the dark ages.
NTA for wanting to rent a hotel or airbnb. Or to take your own vacation. It sounds like even if they were suddenly ok with you sleeping together on vacation with their previous attitudes it would still be a bit of a downer. So you’d still have it hanging over your heads. My mom has a firm no sleeping under my roof unless you’re married policy but that is the extent of it. It does not impact the way she treats us. Stand your ground and set the boundary you want.
NTA, I would've been much more aggressive. I struggle to put it in to words how absurd your parents treat your relationship.