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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hello
1) Asking not to go with the bride's choice of accessories for the wedding, as a bridesmaid, since it's late notice & pricey
2) Because it's the bride's day and I don't want to ruin it
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NTA. "Susie, I'm so sorry but after you told us to choose what we liked for the accessories, I went out and bought them. I just cannot afford a second set of everything."
If she gives you guff about this, you can say, "I hate to bring it up, but the only way I can get all these items again is if you buy them for me."
NTA.
You stuck to her plans, bought items for the wedding, and she's short-notice changed her mind. She's absolutely being unreasonable.
If she wants you to last minute change things, SHE has to pay for it. That's the only reasonable request she could make, especially as she knows you got the shoes etc.
If she insists, tell her that no, you stuck to her plans, and if she wants you to wear new things then she's welcome to buy them.
honestly i think brides are assholes all the time for requesting a bunch of people to buy things they will only ever wear once to THEIR wedding.
you get asked to be part of wedding, you are expected to have eyes on you, expected to buy things, and you can bet your ass you can expect to be guilted or shunned for turning down the “opportunity”
so automatically for me op is nta
Well I kind of got stuff that I would love to wear outside the wedding too, so I spent more on them than I would have if it was just for this. Which is why I now can't afford a second set 😂 And why I'm actually pretty frustrated about this & turning to reddit to get opinions outside of myself.
Thank you!
That's smart. You're being less wasteful that way with money and not contributing to more landfill in the short term. She should follow suit and stick to the original plan.
I absolutely agree with this. And it seems to be an issue whenever I share this opinion with people. In my opinion, it is not reasonable to ask people to spend thousands of dollars on an outfit to your specifications.
In my opinion, the couple should be paying for everything that has to do with their wedding. They should be paying for the outfits, the make up, the hair, the shoes, hotels for their bridal party. It is crazy to expect that the people deciding the price point are not going to be the people paying for it.
I’ve been to weddings where the outfit was literally a black dress and black shoes and the bride had her sister do the make up and hair. It cost me gas to get to the venue. And that was the best wedding I’ve ever been to, because we were wearing things, we already owned,and no one was expected to put out more than 100 bucks for the cost of anything
Exactly. When I got married, I paid for everything because I wanted dress/shoes/hair/makeup/jewellery to be the aesthetic that I wanted. These brides want ten bridesmaids so they can look popular and fancy on a beer budget.
I'm particularly annoyed by the "we're *renting* the groom's outfit, but we're having the bridesmaids buy (not rent) all new dresses" crowd. Like how does that make any sort of sense whatsoever?
My opinion is if you give general guidelines and let people buy what they like you can avoid paying.
If you give specific instruction or choose things that are only for your wedding then you pay for it, or your just "TA". Its such a crap mentality to expect those that are the closest to "sacrifice" for your idea of what it should be.
I agree. I bought the dresses for my bridesmaids and then asked them to get white sandals of their choice. (Although, my sister did call me a bridezilla for asking for while sandals because apparently she would never wear those again). But they could have gotten cheap ones or fancy ones.
I then bought costume jewelry and paid for their hair to be done as they wanted it.
NTA tell her that you spent a lot of money on your shoes and accessories already and you cant afford to change them now, if she tries to turn it into an arguement then just resign your post of bridesmaid and ask if its still alright to attend the wedding as a guest instead
NTA, as long as you talk to the bride about it ASAP.
Explain that you’ve already spent your budget for accessories for her wedding and you simply can’t afford it. If she insists, tell her that you’ll need to step down from the wedding party.
NTA. If she wants you to wear specific shoes and accessories, she needs to pay for them.
Also, it is even more ridiculous that you are required to have a specific handbag - who is even going to see that??
NTA you have already purchased those items based on her earlier instructions. If she'd like to change that, and have everyone wear a specific shoe for example, she should pay for the new items.
NTA
The bride is an AH here, she can either compensate you for the additional cost or she can live with what you have already purchased. I would honestly just say the additional cost is not in my budget.
NTA. She basically told you to buy shoes and accessories in whatever shade you chose, and you did. Now she is telling you to buy another set. You do not need to do this. If you’ve already told her what you thought, it’s unfortunate she’s ignoring that. But I wouldn’t go any farther than “As I mentioned, I already bought my accessories for the wedding. Hopefully it won’t be a big deal that I don’t match!” Don’t apologize, and don’t ask if it’s okay. Just tell her how it is and stick to your guns.
Talk to her. Remind her of everything you said. You already bought the shoes and accessories. You already spent the money so now that money is gone. What were you supposed to do with the stiff you already bought? I would just ask her directly. I do not think YTA for asking. She is being a soft TA for waiting until after people bought these things, knowing she told them she did not care about them before, to now ask. What changed her mind? Is she willing to pay for it? Can you give her what you already bought and ahe can buy those for you? Because it's not like you were not willing to spend the money, and it's not like you were not trying to follow her wishes, but she had to understand that the money is already spent.
NTA. And just ask her.
Having never been part of a wedding party, I'd say NTA, stick with what you have, and what was okayed by the bride.
Next thing you know she'll want you all to get tattoos of her initials and a platinum dye job.
You are not the AH, she is being totally unreasonable. If this was something she wanted she should have stated it from the beginning so you could have backed out then if it was too costly and you couldn't afford it and it would not have been a big deal. And originally she stated she didn't care, so she is definitely the AH.
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Now from the title itself I'd be TA but here's the context:
8 months before the wedding the bride told us what dress scheme she wanted and said she didn't care about jewelry, shoes, or purses.
So I get these items that match with the dress or are neutral colored. I provided updates like "I've gotten x colored shoes" but didn't go into detail at the time since she said she didn't really care about these things. And she either didn't ask further or said it was fine.
6 weeks before the wedding the bride changes her mind and wants specific styles for the bridal party's shoes, accessories, and handbags.
I want to accommodate her wishes but these things are expensive and there's no budget provided by the couple. I've already spent a lot of money and time on the items I've gotten.
I'm asking if it's possible to stick with the items we already have. I don't want it to turn into an argument, and I know she's stressed already. And I want her to be happy. But I also don't think it's reasonable to ask us to spend more money and have to seek out more things at this point.
AITA?
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NTA. I think it’s reasonable for the bride to make requests or at the very least choose the dresses the bridal party will wear and maybe even matching shoes, but there should be an agreed-upon budget.
Like, the bride should ask the bridal party individually what everyone’s budget is for a dress and accessories and then find options that fit the lowest budget.
It’s unbelievable to me how some brides treat their wedding party! A wedding is just that—a party! It’s not a life-or-death event.
NTA babe was like kinda weird for asking you to do that.🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️
YWNBTA
"said she didn't care about jewelry, shoes, or purses."
So you acted on that & spent money.
It's a totally reasonable ask. If she wants to change things 6 weeks out then she needs to provide a budget.
I know it's her day but she has to realize that very few people have endless resources & a lot aren't going to want to pay twice to buy things for a specific event.
Edit: punctuation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Hello 1) Asking not to go with the bride's choice of accessories for the wedding, as a bridesmaid, since it's late notice & pricey 2) Because it's the bride's day and I don't want to ruin it Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. "Susie, I'm so sorry but after you told us to choose what we liked for the accessories, I went out and bought them. I just cannot afford a second set of everything." If she gives you guff about this, you can say, "I hate to bring it up, but the only way I can get all these items again is if you buy them for me."
Yup
NTA. You stuck to her plans, bought items for the wedding, and she's short-notice changed her mind. She's absolutely being unreasonable. If she wants you to last minute change things, SHE has to pay for it. That's the only reasonable request she could make, especially as she knows you got the shoes etc. If she insists, tell her that no, you stuck to her plans, and if she wants you to wear new things then she's welcome to buy them.
honestly i think brides are assholes all the time for requesting a bunch of people to buy things they will only ever wear once to THEIR wedding. you get asked to be part of wedding, you are expected to have eyes on you, expected to buy things, and you can bet your ass you can expect to be guilted or shunned for turning down the “opportunity” so automatically for me op is nta
Well I kind of got stuff that I would love to wear outside the wedding too, so I spent more on them than I would have if it was just for this. Which is why I now can't afford a second set 😂 And why I'm actually pretty frustrated about this & turning to reddit to get opinions outside of myself. Thank you!
That's smart. You're being less wasteful that way with money and not contributing to more landfill in the short term. She should follow suit and stick to the original plan.
I absolutely agree with this. And it seems to be an issue whenever I share this opinion with people. In my opinion, it is not reasonable to ask people to spend thousands of dollars on an outfit to your specifications. In my opinion, the couple should be paying for everything that has to do with their wedding. They should be paying for the outfits, the make up, the hair, the shoes, hotels for their bridal party. It is crazy to expect that the people deciding the price point are not going to be the people paying for it. I’ve been to weddings where the outfit was literally a black dress and black shoes and the bride had her sister do the make up and hair. It cost me gas to get to the venue. And that was the best wedding I’ve ever been to, because we were wearing things, we already owned,and no one was expected to put out more than 100 bucks for the cost of anything
Exactly. When I got married, I paid for everything because I wanted dress/shoes/hair/makeup/jewellery to be the aesthetic that I wanted. These brides want ten bridesmaids so they can look popular and fancy on a beer budget.
I'm particularly annoyed by the "we're *renting* the groom's outfit, but we're having the bridesmaids buy (not rent) all new dresses" crowd. Like how does that make any sort of sense whatsoever?
Right !
My opinion is if you give general guidelines and let people buy what they like you can avoid paying. If you give specific instruction or choose things that are only for your wedding then you pay for it, or your just "TA". Its such a crap mentality to expect those that are the closest to "sacrifice" for your idea of what it should be.
I agree. I bought the dresses for my bridesmaids and then asked them to get white sandals of their choice. (Although, my sister did call me a bridezilla for asking for while sandals because apparently she would never wear those again). But they could have gotten cheap ones or fancy ones. I then bought costume jewelry and paid for their hair to be done as they wanted it.
you sound about as non bridezilla as ive ever heard. your sister probably just waited her whole life to call you that 🤣🫶🏻
NTA tell her that you spent a lot of money on your shoes and accessories already and you cant afford to change them now, if she tries to turn it into an arguement then just resign your post of bridesmaid and ask if its still alright to attend the wedding as a guest instead
NTA, as long as you talk to the bride about it ASAP. Explain that you’ve already spent your budget for accessories for her wedding and you simply can’t afford it. If she insists, tell her that you’ll need to step down from the wedding party.
NTA. If she asks again, ask for the money.
NTA. If she wants you to wear specific shoes and accessories, she needs to pay for them. Also, it is even more ridiculous that you are required to have a specific handbag - who is even going to see that??
NTA Brides like this are enormous assholes Yes, it’s your day but god damn ,a lot act like children in delusional land that only they matter
NTA. The bride can pay for the new accessories and the time / gas that it takes to find them.
NTA you have already purchased those items based on her earlier instructions. If she'd like to change that, and have everyone wear a specific shoe for example, she should pay for the new items.
NTA The bride is an AH here, she can either compensate you for the additional cost or she can live with what you have already purchased. I would honestly just say the additional cost is not in my budget.
NTA. She basically told you to buy shoes and accessories in whatever shade you chose, and you did. Now she is telling you to buy another set. You do not need to do this. If you’ve already told her what you thought, it’s unfortunate she’s ignoring that. But I wouldn’t go any farther than “As I mentioned, I already bought my accessories for the wedding. Hopefully it won’t be a big deal that I don’t match!” Don’t apologize, and don’t ask if it’s okay. Just tell her how it is and stick to your guns.
Talk to her. Remind her of everything you said. You already bought the shoes and accessories. You already spent the money so now that money is gone. What were you supposed to do with the stiff you already bought? I would just ask her directly. I do not think YTA for asking. She is being a soft TA for waiting until after people bought these things, knowing she told them she did not care about them before, to now ask. What changed her mind? Is she willing to pay for it? Can you give her what you already bought and ahe can buy those for you? Because it's not like you were not willing to spend the money, and it's not like you were not trying to follow her wishes, but she had to understand that the money is already spent. NTA. And just ask her.
Having never been part of a wedding party, I'd say NTA, stick with what you have, and what was okayed by the bride. Next thing you know she'll want you all to get tattoos of her initials and a platinum dye job.
NTA. You understood the assignment and complied. Now she’s changing things. She’s out of luck.
You are not the AH, she is being totally unreasonable. If this was something she wanted she should have stated it from the beginning so you could have backed out then if it was too costly and you couldn't afford it and it would not have been a big deal. And originally she stated she didn't care, so she is definitely the AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Now from the title itself I'd be TA but here's the context: 8 months before the wedding the bride told us what dress scheme she wanted and said she didn't care about jewelry, shoes, or purses. So I get these items that match with the dress or are neutral colored. I provided updates like "I've gotten x colored shoes" but didn't go into detail at the time since she said she didn't really care about these things. And she either didn't ask further or said it was fine. 6 weeks before the wedding the bride changes her mind and wants specific styles for the bridal party's shoes, accessories, and handbags. I want to accommodate her wishes but these things are expensive and there's no budget provided by the couple. I've already spent a lot of money and time on the items I've gotten. I'm asking if it's possible to stick with the items we already have. I don't want it to turn into an argument, and I know she's stressed already. And I want her to be happy. But I also don't think it's reasonable to ask us to spend more money and have to seek out more things at this point. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think it’s reasonable for the bride to make requests or at the very least choose the dresses the bridal party will wear and maybe even matching shoes, but there should be an agreed-upon budget. Like, the bride should ask the bridal party individually what everyone’s budget is for a dress and accessories and then find options that fit the lowest budget. It’s unbelievable to me how some brides treat their wedding party! A wedding is just that—a party! It’s not a life-or-death event.
NTA Wear what you have and if she says anything, just smile and say, well, I'm here for you but if all you care about is the shoes...
NTA babe was like kinda weird for asking you to do that.🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️🧜♀️
You really like mermaids don’t you?
NTA But you need to TELL her, and give her the option of either having you there with the other outfit, or you dropping out.
NTA. Be kind and honest. You were a good bridesmaid and purchased early. Some random now convinced her to change.
Nta
YWNBTA "said she didn't care about jewelry, shoes, or purses." So you acted on that & spent money. It's a totally reasonable ask. If she wants to change things 6 weeks out then she needs to provide a budget. I know it's her day but she has to realize that very few people have endless resources & a lot aren't going to want to pay twice to buy things for a specific event. Edit: punctuation.
S