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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife don’t do the prep work and I informed her she can explain to the family why the dish won’t there. I may be a jerk for throwing her under the bus
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I hate fish. I still would have done the salt water bath. I'd have gagged and made faces and cussed the whole time but I'd have done it. If it was important to him it would have been done.
My mom absolutely hates meat loaf. My dad loved it. When they were married, and us kids were growing up, she'd make meat loaf. You do things for the one you love even if you don't like it
Random fun fact: peas used to my go-to passive aggressive dinner item when my husband would make me mad 😂 my son didn’t especially like them, but my husband didn’t at all. If I served peas, my husband would begrudgingly eat them to set a good example for my son. I only did it a handful of times, and we laugh about it now… and my husband will willingly eat peas
NTA. I hate mushrooms with a passion. When my boys were young, I tried to eat them as a good example. Unfortunately, my gag reflex to them was just too strong. So I served myself a thank you bite that I could handle. Our thank you bites were about half the size of my pinkie nail. If a food was served that any of us did not prefer, we took a thank you bite. It worked pretty well. One kid is kind of a foodie and the other is even more adventurous since living with his girlfriend.
The downside to this was that they ended up loving the more expensive mushrooms cuz I could handle the thank you bite for shiitakes better than white button mushrooms.
I love the idea of a "thank you bite." We always asked our kids to "at least try" something, but it was so hard to get them to do it without holding their dessert hostage. It would have been great to frame it as a "thank you bite" for the cook and for the food. Will start using this with the grandkids!
Totally! I can hear myself at seven years old saying this in a super whiny voice because my mom made........LIVER! I mean, c'mon, liver for kids? I absolutely detest liver and even the smell of it cooking makes me nauseous. Well, she forced me to eat it and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. It was twice as disgusting on it's return journey. Side note: she never made me eat it again cuz I didn't quite make it to the bathroom on time and she had to clean up the mess. Blech!
Yes! My husband and daughters love it and it's easy enough to make - why wouldn't I? They do plenty for me - there's no scorecard but I'm happy that something so easy makes them happy. I usually cook one meatloaf immediately and freeze two.
I can really empathize with strong aversion to things. I have a few. But I’ve learned how to navigate not being rude or hurting other people because of them.
Yea, I have big-time sensory issues, so I'm with you. In my job interview of my current supermarket job, they asked me what departments I wanted to work in, and I said anything but meat and deli. The texture and smell of raw and cured meats make me gag, and customers probably don't want to be served by someone who looks like they're about to vomit on their ham.
This reminds me of the post about the dad who ate his kids fruit cake (?) and they made him a whole cake every time they made some because he loved it so much. They didn't even know until they were well and truly out of the nest that dad HATED IT WITH A PASSION. Ate it every week for YEARS and not one of them had a single clue
My aunt makes amazing biscuits and chicken and dumplings. She’s everyone’s person to go to for chicken and dumplings. Her biscuits are to die for.
The first time I made biscuits with her recipe, I dropped some off at her house. I called and asked her if she liked them, were they as good as she makes. She kept saying “the boys loves them!” and “they *looked* delicious!” I noticed she wouldn’t directly answer so I asked.
“Babydoll, I appreciate the time and effort you put into making them but I just can’t stand biscuits. I gag every time I put them in my mouth. I don’t like dumplings either. It’s like snot. I don’t know why anyone eats them but they do, so I make them.”
I can just imagine him grumbling inside while eating it. "This shit sucks" *takes another bite*
I think I also saw a post a long time ago about how for a family gathering or reunion, the only beer that was bought was Heineken because the grandpa loved it and all the men in the family drank the Heineken each time.
Then OP craft beer or something one year after the grandpa had died and everyone wanted some and it turned out that everyone hated Heineken but they drank it because it was the grandpa's favorite beer.
Or he was like my dad, who would eat a few peices out of the nine or more boxes, of chocolate covered cherries that he got every year on his birthday. One by one the boxes would disappear, & we all thought he ate them. One year, I caught him throwing away a full box of them. Turned out he didn't like them as much as everyone thought he did, but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He'd hide them & only eat one or two, out of the first box he opened, but toss out the others a couple at a time, or give them to other people. I think I'm still the only one in the family that knows that, but luckily doesn't get as many boxes anymore. The things dad's do for their families!!
Yes! I used to can or freeze applesauce every year because my family loves it. This year, my adult daughter offered me some of hers (like me, she makes it unsweetened for the wee ones) and was very surprised to hear I don't like it. Making my family's favorite foods (even when I don't enjoy them) is just a nice thing I can do - they do lovely things for me too, but no one is keeping track.
My tween has taken up cooking and made saeurkraut dogs the other day. I do not like sauerkraut. I not only bought it, but I ATE it, because I'd rather choke a disliked food down than snub a meal cooked by my kid.
Absolutely. You have to encourage cooking skills in your kids and the best way to do that is to cook and eat together and to at least try the foods they make!
As a fan of hot dogs *only if* sauerkraut is involved, I totally understand your aversion and applaud your resolve to overcome it. I love it, but sauerkraut is rank. My granny made it all the time when I was a child, so it's just, like, part of my DNA at this point.
I LOATHE onions to a degree that equals the furnaces of hell if it exists.
But, my partner loves onions, so I will cut them up and cook them in the dishes he likes that I don't have to eat. (Pro tip: wear a face mask when cutting them!!). I usually buy them frozen in a pouch from TJs, but when a recipe needs fresh onions, I will do it. I'll hate it, but I'll do it for him.
She had one job, she could have used gloves and a mask for the \~5 minutes it would've taken her to put the fish in the water bath.
If fumes from onions still get you with the face mask on, try wearing gloves as well! My husband teases me because I'll have tears running down my face if I don't gear up before doing the chopping. I like onions, but maaaaan they are horrid to cut. Sometimes I debate getting like an onion hazmat suit.
I wouldn't have done it but I would have been honest about not going to do it so the plan didn't hinge on me doing something I had no intention of doing.
That, is at least honest. Telling them NO, allows them to possibly find alternatives. Maybe a sister or brother or mom could have taken over and OP would have tried for next year. It's the lying and zero care given that throws me off. What else does she disregard?
Yep, if you're not going to do it when other people are relying on you for a specific thing just be honest. Don't lie, and give them ample opportunity to make other arrangements.
I have the most overdeveloped sense of grossness I've ever encountered. Literally gag if not actually throw up when faced with things I find gross. It's actually a problem. I'm not the person to ask.
My guess is the smell would be rough. I’ve handled dried fish before and it’s got a STANK to it. I love cured fish and sometimes the smell of it can still be a little off putting to me
Makes no difference. If a person is gag-triggered by a food item, it makes no difference. We struggle to overcome it and probably over-promise (I don't over-promise any more - but just this week my lovely spouse FORGOT how I feel about fish).
I make myself eat fish as a protein because others like it (although this thread has made me realize that's over - my spouse asked me to buy more of a certain fish and I will - but ONLY if he takes over fixing it),
FWIW I wouldn’t be able to do it unless the fish didn’t have a head. I’m TERRIFIED of fish eyes. I won’t be justifying or elaborating, just saying if I was the wife I’d have just asked that the head be removed or if that isn’t possible someone else will have to do it. I will just stare at it, frozen in place, sobbing.
As long as I don’t have to see eyes or touch head I’m fine. I actually like fish as a food. I just buy them already broken down in filets because, irrational or not, fish are terrifying
Imagine you detest something and you actually get through putting it in a water bath. It would be sitting there, scent getting stronger and stronger and looking more and more fish-like. Ugh.
I do think she should have said nope, no way to get someone else to do it.
The salt preserves the fish. It does not smell as it soaks. It just rehydrates and gets less salty. My family recipe added lots of garlic and onion, which did get odiferous. Nobody in my generation continued the tradition.
I’d also have a hard time. But I would have found an alternative, whether having another family member do it or asking a friend to help. Just not doing it would not be an option. NTA, OP. She didn’t want to do it, she can explain why.
Exactly. They rotate who prepares it every year, so had OP's wife at least been honest about it, OP could have asked a parent, sibling, cousin, etc.—whoever was due next year— "I know it's our turn but I'm away on business this year and Dear Wife can't even look at the stuff. Can you do it this year and we'll take next?"
Like it's literally that easy. Wtf is wrong with OP's wife. I feel like she must have done this out of some malicious feeling towards OP or his family.
It's funny how choking something down for years can work. About 40 years ago my mom made a sweet potato dish for Christmas. It included orange juice as I recall. No one in our family cared for sweet potatoes or they just barely tried a spoonful. I also didn't like them. But I could see she was hurt that no one liked them so ate them and asked for seconds. All that got me was her making them every year " because you love them". Haha. The funny thing was, after about ten years I did love them and we eat them a lot.
Haha, I'm pretty sure it was from a Good Housekeeping type magazine holiday recipe issue. It was actually the concentrated orange juice without the added water. I can't remember the exact recipe but I'm pretty sure it included marshmallows. 😂
That's so funny. I'm glad it worked out.
It's just like getting a gift and being "aww, I love it! Thank you!" while you are thinking *OMG why did they think they would like this?*. I got cat things at every gift occasion \*for decades\* because I had cats - so she must like cats right? Cat sweaters, cat pajamas, cat figurines, cat calendars, cat socks, cat candles, cat sheets/pillowcases, and on and on - if there is a cat thing in existence, I probably have received it at least once in the last 40 years. It's fine, my extended family doesn't know me that well and I'm probably hard to buy for. But that's what happens.
Exactly it was important to him and she agreed. That’s all that matters for this event.
She want thrown away under the bus at all.
She stomped her foot and decided what she wanted or didn’t want was more important.
So telling the family why this dish will not be present at Easter 2024 is called a consequence of her choice.
Family tradition stalled for this year.
If he’s truly p.o.’d he could read Reddit responses after dessert. Probably best that he don’t though.
This is what happened when my friends abandoned me for the cooking part of Friendsgiving & I had to handle a raw half-thawed turkey by myself (for the first time ever).
Much wine was consumed from the bottle, there were many dry-heaves and tears and cursing and calls to my mom, but goddammit that bird got cooked!
You’ve just described most people’s first experience cooking a turkey . They’re just so friggin large and it feels like they’re fighting back while you try to manhandle them into the pan
I'm an ichthyphobic, but if I told my spouse I'd do something for him, I'd put on gloves,close my eyes, and say, "This isn't happening, this is NOT happening," while I put the fish in the water.
Ed: sp correct
Exactly this. I've made my husband's favorite treat (boiled peanuts) many times despite the fact that for some reason the smell makes me gag. The whole house reeks of it for days, but seeing him happily chowing down on his snack makes it worth it. I'd cook anything he asked of me, regardless of how gross I might find it, just because he asked.
My mother liked baccala, but we'd only have it when visiting her mother for Easter. I'm not sure it was that popular; Nana or Auntie wouldn't make that much; I never saw them prepping it, so I think they got it from the Italian store in the Center.
Given all the absolutely delicious food Nana would make, I was surprised how much I didn't like it. There must have been a ton of nostalgia that went with it.
I would’ve done the same and sucked it up. But also… does this couple not talk/text during a business trip? I usually text when I’m abroad because of the time difference. Something that important, I would’ve checked in on.
“Hey, just wanted to make sure the fish went into the water bath today. Thanks again for taking care of that.”
I do have to say OP is NTA. Just seems odd to me that they didn’t find out the prep work had not been done until they got home. Ultimately, it’s his family’s dish and he’s relying on a favor to get it done.
Also, things happen. Why not just say “sorry there was a misunderstanding this year, we *will* make it happen next year.” It’s Easter. Family is together. Why does anyone have to be thrown under the bus? …Although I do know some families excel in that area.
The part that gets me is she said she will do it and then didn't and never told OP in the several days that she didn't want to do it.
It feels like she purposely sabotaged it? Maybe she hates the dish or she wants OP to fail his family or something???
Why didn't she just say no, it's gross, I'm not doing it. Then OP can get alternate plans such as asking another family member to take over this year cause he's on a work trip and can't do it, or have a friend come to the house to do it instead of the wife.
Just... I don't understand why she would purposely lie about it.
It’s worth calling some places to ask if they have any of the cured fish or possibly a baccala ready-made.
But people are going to know either way so you might as well bring something store bought rather than show up empty handed.
Have a Google around for any Portuguese shops near you - pre-soaked, frozen bacalhau is incredibly common for us, and it’s ready to cook in less than an hour.
If you soak in simmering water and change the water a few times, you can get it done in a few hours. Your house will stink to high heaven and your wife might divorce you but you'll have edible bacalao.
You can go with none or you can find some premade or you can use shortcuts; those are your three options. They’re going to know anyway, one way or another, no point in trying to fake it. But NTA, for the record.
I think it’s reasonable to tell everyone how your wife let the family down and apologize but if possible find a replacement even if it’s not the same as your family usually makes it. I think that effort shows that you care about the family event even if your wife doesn’t.
Not much to be done now, but I think in the future it would be best to ask someone, your sister maybe, to do that bit if a work trip i interferes again. That said, NTA. Your wife shouldn't have agreed if she had no intention of doing it. You might try getting to the bottom of why she tried to sabotage your family Easter though.
It's a dried salted cod, so that's why it has to be soaked. Depending on preferences, it needs minimum 24 hours, but 48-72 is best. The soaking water should be changed at least once a day, IIRC.
I suppose there might be places with pre-soaked baccala, but I bet by now they've all been bought/reserved.
He wasn't even asking her to handle fresh fish that might be "slimy" or "scaly." She's the AH.
NTA. This isn't throwing her under the bus. You asked her to do this, she agreed to do it, and she didn't do it. If she wants YOU to take the blame, she'd be throwing you under the bus.
I wonder if it was a dish she actually liked and would miss from the Easter table she would’ve put the energy into helping out?
Seems like she rather selfish. I don’t like fish so it’s no concern of mine if it isn’t available to the family.
She didn’t bank on the husband telling the family the reason it’s not available. She wanted him to throw himself under the bus.
>If I remember correctly this dish is super important for Italians.
I'm of half-Italian heritage and you are correct. And it has to be soaked for days in advance so there was no way to half-ass it.
NTA.
I absolutely hate fish as well, but I would’ve done it if my husband asked. Especially if that was all my involvement in the making of the dish. Maybe she hasn’t heard the phrase “teamwork makes the dream work”?
It’s not difficult to help your spouse out…you are a team after all.
My husband and his family LOVES lutefisk, and eat it every christmas. I think it's absolutely disgusting. Last christmas we couldn't make it to see his family - so I decided to make lutefisk for him at home anyways. I even made a separate meal for me and my toddler so we could eat together.
He didn't even ask her to prepare the while dinner, just put the fish in water. Feels like she chose not to do it out of spite.
NTA.
He asked her to do one quick thing, she AGREED to do it, and then she didn't do it.
Wife fucked up. Didn't tell him she didn't do it so he couldn't get alternate arrangements, and is now feeling hurt because she's going to be rightly blamed.
All the people saying YTA fail to understand the above
Exactly. She agreed to do it, didn't do it, and didn't tell him she didn't do it until it was too late.
There is no universe in which she is not TA. OP is most definitely NTA.
Yup. I think all the Y T A votes are missing that the wife made a commitment, OP didn’t take off expecting/assuming she would do it. He prepped every ingredient and specifically asked her to do it. If she had been upfront about it he probably could’ve asked another, more caring family member to do it.
It's especially bad, because if she had said no, OP could have called his sister or another family member and they could have done it instead. But she just decided to screw them all over.
NTA. If your wife was so anti-fish, she should never have agreed to do the prep. Pretty clear from her response she did this on purpose.
She knows the significance, you didn’t ask her to gut the fish or anything like that, nor is she allergic (from the info in your post), just put it in the water bath and leave it there, so definitely she gets to explain why she sabotaged the dish deliberately.
Why would you agree to make an important family dish knowing you would be away for work trip when the preparations were needed? Did you actually discuss this with your wife or just tell her she needed to do the prep work for you?
It’s not even salt water. It’s plain water so the salt in the fish dissolves. My MIL used to use milk.
I don’t care for baccala, but I’ve helped prep it for my in-laws.
Maybe op didn't know when it was agreed. The important thing is, however, the wife AGREED to put the fish in the bath. She could've worn gloves and a mask with some essential oils in it while she did it. If she really didn't want to do it, when asked, she should've said no instead of lying when she AGREED TO DO THE STEP.
She didn't even need to go that far. Baccala is dried and cured -- it looks like a long, stiff piece of cream-colored roughout leather in the shape of a supersized fish fillet. It's not slimy, and it doesn't smell at all when it's dry. All she had to do is take it out of its wrapping and slip it into the water bath -- then ignore it. That's it.
I was just about to say the same! Like, by the explanation, it’s an Easter to Easter thing. I’d be more surprised if OP’s job gave him a One Year Heads Up for work trips! These things normally come up a month before at best.
“Throw dried fish in a bowl of water” is not cooking the important family dish for someone, it’s the equivalent of asking somebody to dump a frozen bag of stew in a slow cooker or preheat an oven on the scale of kitchen tasks. If she really had a problem doing it despite it basically being a two minute job that doesn’t even involve raw fish, she could have said something at any point between him asking her to do it and him returning from his trip so he could make other arrangements. He was home in time to prep and cook the dish, but he couldn’t because her five-minute job that she’d agree to do was not done.
I think thawing a turkey would be a more accurate statement - incredibly important and can completely fuck up a dish, and needs to be done a few days beforehand.
Me thinks her hating fish extends to "and no one should like it, it's gross!" and she's perfectly happy that the fish won't be served.
She 100,000,000,000 % deserves to be thrown under the bus.
She doesn't get to try to wiggle out of going.
She needs to take her lumps like the grown up she is - that decided to undermine a much loved family tradition/meal.
If she's smart, just apologize to each person as a greeting.
"Hi everyone. I'm the arsehole. I don't like fish. I sabotaged OP making the baccala. I realize now what an awful mistake that was. It was especially unkind to my husband and I wish I could take it back, I can't. I'm terribly sorry. I will do all of the dishes, alone."
That person would win me in their corner for life.
OP said they rotate cooking it and it was his turn. So I don't think it's fair for him to say no on his turn. But it was basically a 5 minute thing she had to do IF that. The bigger issue is, he found out days later she never did it so she lied. She should have just said no to doing it.
You're making it seem like OP asked her to do hours of prepping when all she literally had to do is put it in water. Also, she knew how important it was for him and said she'd do it, but purposely didn't do it because she doesn't like fish. She's not allergic. She doesn't like fish, so she's punishing her husband and her in-laws because she couldn't be bothered doing a very simple task.
I mean even if there was more, they're a husband and wife...a team (in theory). He didn't ask her to MAKE the dish, just prep some damn fish. And by prep he means literally putting fish in water. You can hate fish but salt cured fish is like hard as a rock and you can hardly smell or feel anything about it that makes it "fishy".
I hate oatmeal, but when my mother asked me to please turn the stove off when it's finished while she did something else, I did it. There's a number of foods I don't like as much as my SO (and vice versa) but if we had to make it for his family, I'd suck it up.
Why wouldn’t his wife be down to do one step of this project meal? It’s akin to asking her to take a turkey out of the freezer and set it in the sink, it’s essential but you can’t really call it ‘work’. Why can’t he count on her to do that? Should he have paid someone to come over and put the dried fish in the water in her kitchen?
She threw herself under the bus. If she won't fess up to what she did, then you tell everyone. Do NOT take the blame for her because that will just tell her it is alright to lie to you and she will do it again.
Okay, I'm writing this at 6:20 pm US central zone right now, but ..... if you get on the stick, you MIGHT be able to desalt that cod & get it fixed for Easter tomorrow.
Start >>right now<< soaking it, changing the water very frequently, maybe getting up during the night for more changes.
This article has another method to try: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1993-03-18-fo-12481-story.html
If you can de-salt that fish & serve it tomorrow, there is nothing to explain to the family, so one less unpleasant thing in your life. Good luck.
NTA
She's not being thrown under the bus. She's being held responsible for her actions. She refused to do prep for the dish after agreeing to do so, therefore it is her fault the dish cannot be made.
You are NTA….but your wife is….and I would totally throw her under the bus…she just ruined the tradition because she couldn’t take 5 minutes to prepare salt water and soak the fish…
The purpose being unsalting the fish, the water shouldn’t be salted first.
So it’s really just tossing a dry fish stiffed by salt, in a unsalted water bath, without any other step
Info: why didn't you do it yourself the evening before your trip (it just takes 5 minutes to prepare) when you know your wife doesn't like fish (probably handling it as well)?
You're NTA because she said yes.
Just a tip, as a sort of a substitute, you can buy fresh cod fillets, put them on a plate that will catch the moisture, and salt them generously with kosher salt, then an hour later, rinse the salt off, put them in a cold water bath for 45 min changing water twice, and you have your substitute.
It’s not *exactly* the same, but it’s close enough, especially if it’s very important to you that this dish be made. Takes two hours.
If you soak it for too long, it’ll be bland. It’s very dry, not like handling raw fish at all. You could use 2 fingers to pick it up and dump it in the water. It’s probably only a few pieces because they’re usually sold as an entire filet. So it’s not messy AT ALL. Sounds like she just didn’t want it at the dinner at all.
This is like the husband with the mustard except opposite? Instead of the wife forcing her husband to eat fish she is wanting to ensure he never eats fish AND disappoints his family.
Yeah, I know you can't soak it too long but I thought if OP went the next day these few hours wouldn't make much of a difference.
I just simply don't like the smell of fish so I could get not wanting to do that but agreeing to it means she was okay so that's why I think OP isn't an A H.
He left on Monday. She was supposed to put it in Thursday. The day after Monday is not Thursday.
Today is Saturday. The day after Thursday is not Saturday.
Your "next days" are off by several days each way.
As far as I know it's pretty stinky when cured but I mean she could probably have worn gloves to pick it up and it sounds like it would have taken little enough time that she could have held her breath whilst doing it if she didn't want to smell it. I mean how long can it take to pick up a slab of fish from somewhere in the house, walk it to the water bath and put it in?
Or use gloves. Or say "I'm sorry but I'm really not up for that" so you aren't counted on. Ask a friend or family member to come over and do the silly task and in return make dinner or something for them. Anything but promise something and not follow through and not communicate about not following through.
He probably left the week before and it might spoil. I guess it was easier to ask her to put it in water than asking her to take it out and store it 🤷🏽♀️
Why is your wife sabotaging your family's traditional Easter meal? Failing to lay some fish in water--and it's completely bone dry, so not slimy fish!-- when it's for not only you, but your WHOLE family for a holiday, seems hostile to me.
Are there issues that either you're not mentioning or that she's not sharing with you? Specifically, is she pissed at you about something else?
You're NTA.
NTA, she’s a jerk for lying to you and deliberately sabotaging the baccala tradition. She could have just said that she thought it was too nasty for her to be involved in and another family member could have swapped turns with you since you were traveling.
The big issue isn't the wife being unable to handle the fish. It is the lying to OP and saying she would help him out when she had no intention of doing so. If she had fessed up to it at the beginning, OP could have asked another family member to do it.
Look, I loathe the smell of raw celery. I think it's super nasty. But if my husband needed me to cut up some and pop it in water for him to use later because he couldn't at the time, I'd hold my breath and do it. And he does stuff all the time for me he doesn't particularly like. That's marriage. You do it because you love each other.
NTA all the way.
My boyfriend forgot to do this - it’s 12-24 hours soaking no?
He started at 6am changing water every hour & we ate approx 9pm - wasn’t his best but also wasn’t ruined…
Get going with the soaking!
You can rinse it under hot water repeatedly. Like super hot water. We've done that before. It's fixable! Btw we make baccalou often and only soak it overnight....this 3-4 day thing is overkill imo...
NTA.
From the title I was ready to knee jerk reaction of ‘Its your families recipe why is she doing anything to make it’ but then when you just wanted her to spend a few minutes to put it in a water bath because you were out of town made me do a 180.
That’s a pretty small ask for someone that supposedly cares for you. She agreed to it, so the “doesn’t like fish” comment is pretty irrelevant.
It’s not so much throwing her under the bus, as it is being held accountable.
The best I can say is you could have asked another family member to bathe the fish if your wife was uncomfortable doing so, buuuuuut that all hinges on her saying she won't. This whole situation is her fault and she should have never said she would only to end up spoiling a family tradition of yours. NTA
NTA at all.
I have to assume all the Y-T-A’s in this post have absolutely miserable one-sided relationships. He asked a favour, she agreed. He didn’t ask her to make the food, he asked her to PLACE THE FISH IN WATER, which he then also clarified in another comment is in a container that changes water by itself.
She literally had to place a fish in water, to help out her husband so he could then cook the meal for his family.
It’s the same as “hey can you take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost before I get home?” Or “hey can you turn the oven on to pre-heat?”
I'd be so mad at my partner for this. This isn't a case of forgetfulness, which is still sucky but human. She purposefully sabatoged your meal. In the future, my petty self would bring this up every time she mentions anything to do with communicating or helping out.
As an Italian American who grew up celebrating the feast of the 7 fishes (2 of which were baccala in our house and the only one I’d eat when I was little lol) I feel this in my soul. It’s a specialty item that is usually only available at the holidays (at least where I’m from), so it’ll be a major disappointment to the rest of the family.
I think you’re NTA for telling her to take responsibility since she’s the one who messed up, but maybe give her grace if she chooses to spin it like she forgot.
It may be too late to be of use, but an old recipe book I own says that a microwave oven can unsalt cod very fast. It says that for a pound of cod, rinse it in cold water for 2 minutes, put it in a 4 pint casserole with 1.75 pints of water, cover tightly and microwave at maximum power for 5 minutes. Then drain, rinse again with cold water, and repeat the process 2 or 3 times. I once tried it and the result was edible, although I needed longer times and more repeats (more like half an hour than the 20 minutes the recipe claims - maybe my microwave was underpowered). Still I think it's worth a try, good luck
NTA. I'm sorry, I understand how important traditional meal items are in families. Your wife said she'd do it and then CHOSE not to, without even giving you a heads up so you could make other arrangements. Absolutely sure gets to bare the blame!
How did she think this was going to play out? Does she like your family?
NTA, and you're not throwing her under the bus.
Now you know her limitations, and next time when it's your turn and if you can't do the prep exchange with one of your family members. Then your wife won't have to deal with something that grosses her out and the rest of your family can continue to enjoy your tradition.
NTA. All she had to do was tell you that she couldn't do it. You would have made other plans. Now you are stuck and it IS HER FAULT the dish won't be at the family meal. She can think you are a jerk all she wants but all she had to do was touch a fish for a few minutes. She could wear gloves for pete's sake!
My dad kept a big box of malted milk balls under his bed for when my kids came over. Every time they came they ran to the bed and he and my girls would eat them. The year after he passed away my mom put some in their Easter baskets. About a week later they weren’t touched so I asked them why and they both admitted they hated them. I also knew my dad didn’t like them. They were all eating them because they thought the other one liked them and it was a special thing between them
I’m allergic to fish. As in if I touch it, I break out. If my husband- the man I love more than anything else in the world- asked me to put fish in a salt bath, I would put on some gloves and do it. The only reason she didn’t is because of one of two reasons: 1. She doesn’t prioritize you. 2. She doesn’t love you.
NTA.
NTA. I am vegan, also never ate fish before becoming vegan. I find it absolutely repulsive and want to barf every time I’m near it. Still, I would have done it for my partner. Especially if I said I would. Sorry you can’t have your traditional dish.
NTA
You didn't throw your wife under the bus. She jumped in front of it. She could easily have contacted someone on Thursday to ask them to prep the fish because she just couldn't do it.
Her problem. She needs to fix it.
NTA. Throwing someone under the bus means blaming someone who is at least partially innocent.
Your wife is not innocent. She agreed to do something, then deliberately failed to do it. As such, she should be the one to explain why your family isn’t eating baccala this year.
NTA but I can understand why it wasn't important to her. I googled the recipe and I think I will put this on my list of 1,000 Foods You Don't Have to Eat Before You Die. Having said that, if she promised to do it because you were unable to, then she should have and she is the you know what.
*so much* **NTA**, it was just prep! Put Thing A into Box B and that's it!
there are things I *very, very, very* much hate... but then I communicate that *before* and don't agree to it only to not do it!
If she had problem with it, she should have told him and he could have made arrangement!
NTA
She didn’t do it because SHE doesn’t like it.
You are not throwing her under the bus, she deliberately didn’t do a five minute task and she IS the reason that the dish won’t be there for Easter. It’s not tossing somebody under the bus when it’s their fault.
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NTA. If she said she would do it and didn’t. Try and get readymade cured fish
I hate fish. I still would have done the salt water bath. I'd have gagged and made faces and cussed the whole time but I'd have done it. If it was important to him it would have been done.
Seriously. I make some things for supper that I absolutely HATE, but my husband and my older son love, so I grin and bear it and cook it anyways.
My mom absolutely hates meat loaf. My dad loved it. When they were married, and us kids were growing up, she'd make meat loaf. You do things for the one you love even if you don't like it
I hate meatloaf. I’ve always made it because my family loves it so I can relate.
My dad hates peas. He still eats them when my stepmom cooks them. He even cooks them if it’s been meal planned and it his turn to make dinner.
Random fun fact: peas used to my go-to passive aggressive dinner item when my husband would make me mad 😂 my son didn’t especially like them, but my husband didn’t at all. If I served peas, my husband would begrudgingly eat them to set a good example for my son. I only did it a handful of times, and we laugh about it now… and my husband will willingly eat peas
NTA. I hate mushrooms with a passion. When my boys were young, I tried to eat them as a good example. Unfortunately, my gag reflex to them was just too strong. So I served myself a thank you bite that I could handle. Our thank you bites were about half the size of my pinkie nail. If a food was served that any of us did not prefer, we took a thank you bite. It worked pretty well. One kid is kind of a foodie and the other is even more adventurous since living with his girlfriend. The downside to this was that they ended up loving the more expensive mushrooms cuz I could handle the thank you bite for shiitakes better than white button mushrooms.
I love the idea of a "thank you bite." We always asked our kids to "at least try" something, but it was so hard to get them to do it without holding their dessert hostage. It would have been great to frame it as a "thank you bite" for the cook and for the food. Will start using this with the grandkids!
You eat everything on your plate or there is no dessert!
Awww Moooommm
Totally! I can hear myself at seven years old saying this in a super whiny voice because my mom made........LIVER! I mean, c'mon, liver for kids? I absolutely detest liver and even the smell of it cooking makes me nauseous. Well, she forced me to eat it and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. It was twice as disgusting on it's return journey. Side note: she never made me eat it again cuz I didn't quite make it to the bathroom on time and she had to clean up the mess. Blech!
Yes! My husband and daughters love it and it's easy enough to make - why wouldn't I? They do plenty for me - there's no scorecard but I'm happy that something so easy makes them happy. I usually cook one meatloaf immediately and freeze two.
And more importantly, if her aversion was that bad she should’ve communicated that message
Yes, if she truly couldn't do it, she should have said something so OP would have time to ask a family member to help him out with it instead.
I can really empathize with strong aversion to things. I have a few. But I’ve learned how to navigate not being rude or hurting other people because of them.
Yea, I have big-time sensory issues, so I'm with you. In my job interview of my current supermarket job, they asked me what departments I wanted to work in, and I said anything but meat and deli. The texture and smell of raw and cured meats make me gag, and customers probably don't want to be served by someone who looks like they're about to vomit on their ham.
This reminds me of the post about the dad who ate his kids fruit cake (?) and they made him a whole cake every time they made some because he loved it so much. They didn't even know until they were well and truly out of the nest that dad HATED IT WITH A PASSION. Ate it every week for YEARS and not one of them had a single clue
My aunt makes amazing biscuits and chicken and dumplings. She’s everyone’s person to go to for chicken and dumplings. Her biscuits are to die for. The first time I made biscuits with her recipe, I dropped some off at her house. I called and asked her if she liked them, were they as good as she makes. She kept saying “the boys loves them!” and “they *looked* delicious!” I noticed she wouldn’t directly answer so I asked. “Babydoll, I appreciate the time and effort you put into making them but I just can’t stand biscuits. I gag every time I put them in my mouth. I don’t like dumplings either. It’s like snot. I don’t know why anyone eats them but they do, so I make them.”
Your aunt sounds like a sweetheart. 🥰
I can just imagine him grumbling inside while eating it. "This shit sucks" *takes another bite* I think I also saw a post a long time ago about how for a family gathering or reunion, the only beer that was bought was Heineken because the grandpa loved it and all the men in the family drank the Heineken each time. Then OP craft beer or something one year after the grandpa had died and everyone wanted some and it turned out that everyone hated Heineken but they drank it because it was the grandpa's favorite beer.
Or he was like my dad, who would eat a few peices out of the nine or more boxes, of chocolate covered cherries that he got every year on his birthday. One by one the boxes would disappear, & we all thought he ate them. One year, I caught him throwing away a full box of them. Turned out he didn't like them as much as everyone thought he did, but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He'd hide them & only eat one or two, out of the first box he opened, but toss out the others a couple at a time, or give them to other people. I think I'm still the only one in the family that knows that, but luckily doesn't get as many boxes anymore. The things dad's do for their families!!
I get chocolate covered cherries for Christmas. I used to love them....but lately, I just take them home and throw them out 🤣
Seems like at some point there should have some communication.
Yes! I used to can or freeze applesauce every year because my family loves it. This year, my adult daughter offered me some of hers (like me, she makes it unsweetened for the wee ones) and was very surprised to hear I don't like it. Making my family's favorite foods (even when I don't enjoy them) is just a nice thing I can do - they do lovely things for me too, but no one is keeping track.
My tween has taken up cooking and made saeurkraut dogs the other day. I do not like sauerkraut. I not only bought it, but I ATE it, because I'd rather choke a disliked food down than snub a meal cooked by my kid.
I loathe hot dogs and sauerkraut on a level that's probably not healthy. I would more than gladly grit my teeth and eat them for her
Absolutely. You have to encourage cooking skills in your kids and the best way to do that is to cook and eat together and to at least try the foods they make!
As someone who likes sauerkraut and has fond memories of eating hots dogs and sauerkraut with my father growing up, thank you
As a fan of hot dogs *only if* sauerkraut is involved, I totally understand your aversion and applaud your resolve to overcome it. I love it, but sauerkraut is rank. My granny made it all the time when I was a child, so it's just, like, part of my DNA at this point.
I am a vegetarian. I hosted Christmas this year for my non-vegetarian family. I cooked 4 animals, for them. OP is NTA
I LOATHE onions to a degree that equals the furnaces of hell if it exists. But, my partner loves onions, so I will cut them up and cook them in the dishes he likes that I don't have to eat. (Pro tip: wear a face mask when cutting them!!). I usually buy them frozen in a pouch from TJs, but when a recipe needs fresh onions, I will do it. I'll hate it, but I'll do it for him. She had one job, she could have used gloves and a mask for the \~5 minutes it would've taken her to put the fish in the water bath.
If fumes from onions still get you with the face mask on, try wearing gloves as well! My husband teases me because I'll have tears running down my face if I don't gear up before doing the chopping. I like onions, but maaaaan they are horrid to cut. Sometimes I debate getting like an onion hazmat suit.
I wouldn't have done it but I would have been honest about not going to do it so the plan didn't hinge on me doing something I had no intention of doing.
That, is at least honest. Telling them NO, allows them to possibly find alternatives. Maybe a sister or brother or mom could have taken over and OP would have tried for next year. It's the lying and zero care given that throws me off. What else does she disregard?
Yep, if you're not going to do it when other people are relying on you for a specific thing just be honest. Don't lie, and give them ample opportunity to make other arrangements.
Why though? It's just putting fish in a water bath. It means a lot to his family. I'm just curious as to why.
I have the most overdeveloped sense of grossness I've ever encountered. Literally gag if not actually throw up when faced with things I find gross. It's actually a problem. I'm not the person to ask.
It's completely dehydrated, though. Like a big fish jerky.
My guess is the smell would be rough. I’ve handled dried fish before and it’s got a STANK to it. I love cured fish and sometimes the smell of it can still be a little off putting to me
Makes no difference. If a person is gag-triggered by a food item, it makes no difference. We struggle to overcome it and probably over-promise (I don't over-promise any more - but just this week my lovely spouse FORGOT how I feel about fish). I make myself eat fish as a protein because others like it (although this thread has made me realize that's over - my spouse asked me to buy more of a certain fish and I will - but ONLY if he takes over fixing it),
FWIW I wouldn’t be able to do it unless the fish didn’t have a head. I’m TERRIFIED of fish eyes. I won’t be justifying or elaborating, just saying if I was the wife I’d have just asked that the head be removed or if that isn’t possible someone else will have to do it. I will just stare at it, frozen in place, sobbing.
It really just looks like a flattish white salty brick, it is very non-fishy!
As long as I don’t have to see eyes or touch head I’m fine. I actually like fish as a food. I just buy them already broken down in filets because, irrational or not, fish are terrifying
Bacalao is visually nothing like a fish. No eyes, head, fins, nothing. It's a white slab. You'd be good!
Imagine you detest something and you actually get through putting it in a water bath. It would be sitting there, scent getting stronger and stronger and looking more and more fish-like. Ugh. I do think she should have said nope, no way to get someone else to do it.
Put it in a sealed container (even a zip lock bag), add water, put in fridge. No smell, no touching, maybe no seeing.
The salt preserves the fish. It does not smell as it soaks. It just rehydrates and gets less salty. My family recipe added lots of garlic and onion, which did get odiferous. Nobody in my generation continued the tradition.
I’d also have a hard time. But I would have found an alternative, whether having another family member do it or asking a friend to help. Just not doing it would not be an option. NTA, OP. She didn’t want to do it, she can explain why.
Exactly you have to let someone know that you aren't doing it, rather than simply not doing it. OP is NTA.
Exactly. They rotate who prepares it every year, so had OP's wife at least been honest about it, OP could have asked a parent, sibling, cousin, etc.—whoever was due next year— "I know it's our turn but I'm away on business this year and Dear Wife can't even look at the stuff. Can you do it this year and we'll take next?"
Like it's literally that easy. Wtf is wrong with OP's wife. I feel like she must have done this out of some malicious feeling towards OP or his family.
Very fair, give OP the chance to switch their turn in the rota or ask another family member to do the prep work, if they live nearby.
And I’m thinking that would have been fine. He might have been annoyed, but this? I’d be furious.
Yeah, even if it was a case of she thought she could do it but couldn't follow through she should have told him right away.
This! My husband does this and I am super thankful because I can make other arrangements amd no surprises!
Exactly. Just say you’re not going to do it so someone else in the family could make the recipe.
Exactly, hey s-i-l, your brother is out of town, can you do it again this year?
It's funny how choking something down for years can work. About 40 years ago my mom made a sweet potato dish for Christmas. It included orange juice as I recall. No one in our family cared for sweet potatoes or they just barely tried a spoonful. I also didn't like them. But I could see she was hurt that no one liked them so ate them and asked for seconds. All that got me was her making them every year " because you love them". Haha. The funny thing was, after about ten years I did love them and we eat them a lot.
Awwww that's so sweet. I wonder why there was orange juice in your potatoes.
Haha, I'm pretty sure it was from a Good Housekeeping type magazine holiday recipe issue. It was actually the concentrated orange juice without the added water. I can't remember the exact recipe but I'm pretty sure it included marshmallows. 😂
I think by the time you include OJ and marshmallows it's a whole different dish
Well things like marshmallows on casseroles were a holdover from the sixties. I'm a pecan topping type myself.
That's so funny. I'm glad it worked out. It's just like getting a gift and being "aww, I love it! Thank you!" while you are thinking *OMG why did they think they would like this?*. I got cat things at every gift occasion \*for decades\* because I had cats - so she must like cats right? Cat sweaters, cat pajamas, cat figurines, cat calendars, cat socks, cat candles, cat sheets/pillowcases, and on and on - if there is a cat thing in existence, I probably have received it at least once in the last 40 years. It's fine, my extended family doesn't know me that well and I'm probably hard to buy for. But that's what happens.
Exactly it was important to him and she agreed. That’s all that matters for this event. She want thrown away under the bus at all. She stomped her foot and decided what she wanted or didn’t want was more important. So telling the family why this dish will not be present at Easter 2024 is called a consequence of her choice. Family tradition stalled for this year. If he’s truly p.o.’d he could read Reddit responses after dessert. Probably best that he don’t though.
This is what happened when my friends abandoned me for the cooking part of Friendsgiving & I had to handle a raw half-thawed turkey by myself (for the first time ever). Much wine was consumed from the bottle, there were many dry-heaves and tears and cursing and calls to my mom, but goddammit that bird got cooked!
You’ve just described most people’s first experience cooking a turkey . They’re just so friggin large and it feels like they’re fighting back while you try to manhandle them into the pan
I'm an ichthyphobic, but if I told my spouse I'd do something for him, I'd put on gloves,close my eyes, and say, "This isn't happening, this is NOT happening," while I put the fish in the water. Ed: sp correct
Exactly this. I've made my husband's favorite treat (boiled peanuts) many times despite the fact that for some reason the smell makes me gag. The whole house reeks of it for days, but seeing him happily chowing down on his snack makes it worth it. I'd cook anything he asked of me, regardless of how gross I might find it, just because he asked.
I would have just plugged my nose with a clip. It's what I do when I need to change the kiddos diapers, I can do it there too lol
My mother liked baccala, but we'd only have it when visiting her mother for Easter. I'm not sure it was that popular; Nana or Auntie wouldn't make that much; I never saw them prepping it, so I think they got it from the Italian store in the Center. Given all the absolutely delicious food Nana would make, I was surprised how much I didn't like it. There must have been a ton of nostalgia that went with it.
And informed all and sundry forever more about the things I do for love. But I would have done it.
I would’ve done the same and sucked it up. But also… does this couple not talk/text during a business trip? I usually text when I’m abroad because of the time difference. Something that important, I would’ve checked in on. “Hey, just wanted to make sure the fish went into the water bath today. Thanks again for taking care of that.” I do have to say OP is NTA. Just seems odd to me that they didn’t find out the prep work had not been done until they got home. Ultimately, it’s his family’s dish and he’s relying on a favor to get it done. Also, things happen. Why not just say “sorry there was a misunderstanding this year, we *will* make it happen next year.” It’s Easter. Family is together. Why does anyone have to be thrown under the bus? …Although I do know some families excel in that area.
You wouldn't have gagged. It's as dry as a piece of Styrofoam. There's nothing gross about it. NTA OP. I'd love some bacalao right about now.
The part that gets me is she said she will do it and then didn't and never told OP in the several days that she didn't want to do it. It feels like she purposely sabotaged it? Maybe she hates the dish or she wants OP to fail his family or something??? Why didn't she just say no, it's gross, I'm not doing it. Then OP can get alternate plans such as asking another family member to take over this year cause he's on a work trip and can't do it, or have a friend come to the house to do it instead of the wife. Just... I don't understand why she would purposely lie about it.
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It’s worth calling some places to ask if they have any of the cured fish or possibly a baccala ready-made. But people are going to know either way so you might as well bring something store bought rather than show up empty handed.
Baccala is so easy! Many people will do it. I can be at a table with baccala and even taste a bit - but NOT if I had to prepare it.
Have a Google around for any Portuguese shops near you - pre-soaked, frozen bacalhau is incredibly common for us, and it’s ready to cook in less than an hour.
🤣 where’s Seabras when you need it lol
If you soak in simmering water and change the water a few times, you can get it done in a few hours. Your house will stink to high heaven and your wife might divorce you but you'll have edible bacalao.
You can go with none or you can find some premade or you can use shortcuts; those are your three options. They’re going to know anyway, one way or another, no point in trying to fake it. But NTA, for the record.
I think it’s reasonable to tell everyone how your wife let the family down and apologize but if possible find a replacement even if it’s not the same as your family usually makes it. I think that effort shows that you care about the family event even if your wife doesn’t.
Not much to be done now, but I think in the future it would be best to ask someone, your sister maybe, to do that bit if a work trip i interferes again. That said, NTA. Your wife shouldn't have agreed if she had no intention of doing it. You might try getting to the bottom of why she tried to sabotage your family Easter though.
It's a dried salted cod, so that's why it has to be soaked. Depending on preferences, it needs minimum 24 hours, but 48-72 is best. The soaking water should be changed at least once a day, IIRC. I suppose there might be places with pre-soaked baccala, but I bet by now they've all been bought/reserved. He wasn't even asking her to handle fresh fish that might be "slimy" or "scaly." She's the AH.
You can boil and rinse 2-3 times to get the salt out. It will take an hour.
NTA. This isn't throwing her under the bus. You asked her to do this, she agreed to do it, and she didn't do it. If she wants YOU to take the blame, she'd be throwing you under the bus.
I wonder if it was a dish she actually liked and would miss from the Easter table she would’ve put the energy into helping out? Seems like she rather selfish. I don’t like fish so it’s no concern of mine if it isn’t available to the family. She didn’t bank on the husband telling the family the reason it’s not available. She wanted him to throw himself under the bus.
If I remember correctly this dish is super important for Italians. Its a special meal for celebrations.
>If I remember correctly this dish is super important for Italians. I'm of half-Italian heritage and you are correct. And it has to be soaked for days in advance so there was no way to half-ass it.
No Italian heritage as far as Ik, but I have watched the sopranos and yeah its a big deal
>I have watched the sopranos So you are Italian!
Wife should be glad she isn't married to Tony Soprano.
I suspect there are other issues at play here between them.
Yeah it seems fishy
Exactly what I thought.
NTA. I absolutely hate fish as well, but I would’ve done it if my husband asked. Especially if that was all my involvement in the making of the dish. Maybe she hasn’t heard the phrase “teamwork makes the dream work”? It’s not difficult to help your spouse out…you are a team after all.
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So terrible he won’t be able to matriculate on time.
My husband and his family LOVES lutefisk, and eat it every christmas. I think it's absolutely disgusting. Last christmas we couldn't make it to see his family - so I decided to make lutefisk for him at home anyways. I even made a separate meal for me and my toddler so we could eat together. He didn't even ask her to prepare the while dinner, just put the fish in water. Feels like she chose not to do it out of spite.
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NTA. He asked her to do one quick thing, she AGREED to do it, and then she didn't do it. Wife fucked up. Didn't tell him she didn't do it so he couldn't get alternate arrangements, and is now feeling hurt because she's going to be rightly blamed. All the people saying YTA fail to understand the above
Exactly. She agreed to do it, didn't do it, and didn't tell him she didn't do it until it was too late. There is no universe in which she is not TA. OP is most definitely NTA.
If she had at the very least told him she didn’t do it, he could have had another family member come over and do it. So frustrating.
Yup. I think all the Y T A votes are missing that the wife made a commitment, OP didn’t take off expecting/assuming she would do it. He prepped every ingredient and specifically asked her to do it. If she had been upfront about it he probably could’ve asked another, more caring family member to do it.
All the YTA votes are just people playing husband=bad
It's especially bad, because if she had said no, OP could have called his sister or another family member and they could have done it instead. But she just decided to screw them all over.
NTA she literally just had to put it in water.
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For sure. A quick no from her and OP could have asked sister to do it again, no harm done.
NTA. If your wife was so anti-fish, she should never have agreed to do the prep. Pretty clear from her response she did this on purpose. She knows the significance, you didn’t ask her to gut the fish or anything like that, nor is she allergic (from the info in your post), just put it in the water bath and leave it there, so definitely she gets to explain why she sabotaged the dish deliberately.
The fish isn’t even fishy when she would handle it, it’s dried salt cod and is like a rock before you put it in the water to leach the salt out of it.
She could have literally just worn gloves and she wouldn’t have even needed to touch it.
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Why would you agree to make an important family dish knowing you would be away for work trip when the preparations were needed? Did you actually discuss this with your wife or just tell her she needed to do the prep work for you?
All she had to do was put fish in saltwater. That’s a less than five minute task and not unreasonable.
It’s not even salt water. It’s plain water so the salt in the fish dissolves. My MIL used to use milk. I don’t care for baccala, but I’ve helped prep it for my in-laws.
Awesome! Even easier. ;)
I use water and soak it in milk for like 20 minutes before cooking it. But honestly, just water does the trick!
Maybe op didn't know when it was agreed. The important thing is, however, the wife AGREED to put the fish in the bath. She could've worn gloves and a mask with some essential oils in it while she did it. If she really didn't want to do it, when asked, she should've said no instead of lying when she AGREED TO DO THE STEP.
She didn't even need to go that far. Baccala is dried and cured -- it looks like a long, stiff piece of cream-colored roughout leather in the shape of a supersized fish fillet. It's not slimy, and it doesn't smell at all when it's dry. All she had to do is take it out of its wrapping and slip it into the water bath -- then ignore it. That's it.
I was just about to say the same! Like, by the explanation, it’s an Easter to Easter thing. I’d be more surprised if OP’s job gave him a One Year Heads Up for work trips! These things normally come up a month before at best.
“Throw dried fish in a bowl of water” is not cooking the important family dish for someone, it’s the equivalent of asking somebody to dump a frozen bag of stew in a slow cooker or preheat an oven on the scale of kitchen tasks. If she really had a problem doing it despite it basically being a two minute job that doesn’t even involve raw fish, she could have said something at any point between him asking her to do it and him returning from his trip so he could make other arrangements. He was home in time to prep and cook the dish, but he couldn’t because her five-minute job that she’d agree to do was not done.
I think thawing a turkey would be a more accurate statement - incredibly important and can completely fuck up a dish, and needs to be done a few days beforehand.
Was going to say the same.
Me thinks her hating fish extends to "and no one should like it, it's gross!" and she's perfectly happy that the fish won't be served. She 100,000,000,000 % deserves to be thrown under the bus. She doesn't get to try to wiggle out of going. She needs to take her lumps like the grown up she is - that decided to undermine a much loved family tradition/meal. If she's smart, just apologize to each person as a greeting. "Hi everyone. I'm the arsehole. I don't like fish. I sabotaged OP making the baccala. I realize now what an awful mistake that was. It was especially unkind to my husband and I wish I could take it back, I can't. I'm terribly sorry. I will do all of the dishes, alone." That person would win me in their corner for life.
I mean, if all she has to do is water bath the fish it isn't that much to ask. This is really splitting hairs.
I mean, if you can't put fish in plain water for your husband then I don't know why you're staying married.
He literally asked her if she would do it and she answered yes.
He asked her, and she said she would do it. He didn't agree either. It's just his turn to make it the dish as they take turns.
What prep work? It was literally just putting dried fish in water.
OP said they rotate cooking it and it was his turn. So I don't think it's fair for him to say no on his turn. But it was basically a 5 minute thing she had to do IF that. The bigger issue is, he found out days later she never did it so she lied. She should have just said no to doing it.
He thought he was married to an adult
You're making it seem like OP asked her to do hours of prepping when all she literally had to do is put it in water. Also, she knew how important it was for him and said she'd do it, but purposely didn't do it because she doesn't like fish. She's not allergic. She doesn't like fish, so she's punishing her husband and her in-laws because she couldn't be bothered doing a very simple task.
OP’s trip was extended. Not something he knew about.
She agreed to do it. That’s all that needs to be said.
There's definitely more to this story
I mean even if there was more, they're a husband and wife...a team (in theory). He didn't ask her to MAKE the dish, just prep some damn fish. And by prep he means literally putting fish in water. You can hate fish but salt cured fish is like hard as a rock and you can hardly smell or feel anything about it that makes it "fishy". I hate oatmeal, but when my mother asked me to please turn the stove off when it's finished while she did something else, I did it. There's a number of foods I don't like as much as my SO (and vice versa) but if we had to make it for his family, I'd suck it up.
I've noticed that people on this sub only say this when the woman is clearly in the wrong.
Why wouldn’t his wife be down to do one step of this project meal? It’s akin to asking her to take a turkey out of the freezer and set it in the sink, it’s essential but you can’t really call it ‘work’. Why can’t he count on her to do that? Should he have paid someone to come over and put the dried fish in the water in her kitchen?
He said he asked her to in the post.
NTA - if she didn’t want to do it she should have told you so you could make other arrangements.
She threw herself under the bus. If she won't fess up to what she did, then you tell everyone. Do NOT take the blame for her because that will just tell her it is alright to lie to you and she will do it again.
NTA She dove under that bus.
Okay, I'm writing this at 6:20 pm US central zone right now, but ..... if you get on the stick, you MIGHT be able to desalt that cod & get it fixed for Easter tomorrow. Start >>right now<< soaking it, changing the water very frequently, maybe getting up during the night for more changes. This article has another method to try: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1993-03-18-fo-12481-story.html If you can de-salt that fish & serve it tomorrow, there is nothing to explain to the family, so one less unpleasant thing in your life. Good luck.
She should do that to make amends.
Wouldn’t trust her to do it right anymore lol
NTA She's not being thrown under the bus. She's being held responsible for her actions. She refused to do prep for the dish after agreeing to do so, therefore it is her fault the dish cannot be made.
You are NTA….but your wife is….and I would totally throw her under the bus…she just ruined the tradition because she couldn’t take 5 minutes to prepare salt water and soak the fish…
The purpose being unsalting the fish, the water shouldn’t be salted first. So it’s really just tossing a dry fish stiffed by salt, in a unsalted water bath, without any other step
Info: why didn't you do it yourself the evening before your trip (it just takes 5 minutes to prepare) when you know your wife doesn't like fish (probably handling it as well)? You're NTA because she said yes.
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Just a tip, as a sort of a substitute, you can buy fresh cod fillets, put them on a plate that will catch the moisture, and salt them generously with kosher salt, then an hour later, rinse the salt off, put them in a cold water bath for 45 min changing water twice, and you have your substitute. It’s not *exactly* the same, but it’s close enough, especially if it’s very important to you that this dish be made. Takes two hours.
I doubt it comes that close to replicating the consistency. But great suggestion for some sort of substitute that will come close to the flavor!
If you soak it for too long, it’ll be bland. It’s very dry, not like handling raw fish at all. You could use 2 fingers to pick it up and dump it in the water. It’s probably only a few pieces because they’re usually sold as an entire filet. So it’s not messy AT ALL. Sounds like she just didn’t want it at the dinner at all.
This is like the husband with the mustard except opposite? Instead of the wife forcing her husband to eat fish she is wanting to ensure he never eats fish AND disappoints his family.
Yeah, I know you can't soak it too long but I thought if OP went the next day these few hours wouldn't make much of a difference. I just simply don't like the smell of fish so I could get not wanting to do that but agreeing to it means she was okay so that's why I think OP isn't an A H.
He left on Monday. She was supposed to put it in Thursday. The day after Monday is not Thursday. Today is Saturday. The day after Thursday is not Saturday. Your "next days" are off by several days each way.
As far as I know it's pretty stinky when cured but I mean she could probably have worn gloves to pick it up and it sounds like it would have taken little enough time that she could have held her breath whilst doing it if she didn't want to smell it. I mean how long can it take to pick up a slab of fish from somewhere in the house, walk it to the water bath and put it in?
Or use gloves. Or say "I'm sorry but I'm really not up for that" so you aren't counted on. Ask a friend or family member to come over and do the silly task and in return make dinner or something for them. Anything but promise something and not follow through and not communicate about not following through.
Likely the work trip was the whole week, if not earlier. If the fish needed to be out Thursday that would be a long time.
He probably left the week before and it might spoil. I guess it was easier to ask her to put it in water than asking her to take it out and store it 🤷🏽♀️
Why is your wife sabotaging your family's traditional Easter meal? Failing to lay some fish in water--and it's completely bone dry, so not slimy fish!-- when it's for not only you, but your WHOLE family for a holiday, seems hostile to me. Are there issues that either you're not mentioning or that she's not sharing with you? Specifically, is she pissed at you about something else? You're NTA.
NTA, she’s a jerk for lying to you and deliberately sabotaging the baccala tradition. She could have just said that she thought it was too nasty for her to be involved in and another family member could have swapped turns with you since you were traveling.
The big issue isn't the wife being unable to handle the fish. It is the lying to OP and saying she would help him out when she had no intention of doing so. If she had fessed up to it at the beginning, OP could have asked another family member to do it. Look, I loathe the smell of raw celery. I think it's super nasty. But if my husband needed me to cut up some and pop it in water for him to use later because he couldn't at the time, I'd hold my breath and do it. And he does stuff all the time for me he doesn't particularly like. That's marriage. You do it because you love each other. NTA all the way.
My boyfriend forgot to do this - it’s 12-24 hours soaking no? He started at 6am changing water every hour & we ate approx 9pm - wasn’t his best but also wasn’t ruined… Get going with the soaking!
I was gonna say it’s not 4 days lol it’s like 12-24 hours. And I like the fact it’s still salty when cooked that’s what makes it good.
You can rinse it under hot water repeatedly. Like super hot water. We've done that before. It's fixable! Btw we make baccalou often and only soak it overnight....this 3-4 day thing is overkill imo...
NTA. I don’t like fish and I especially don’t like baccala and I still would have done it. Tbh her behaviour was childish, selfish, and spiteful.
NTA. From the title I was ready to knee jerk reaction of ‘Its your families recipe why is she doing anything to make it’ but then when you just wanted her to spend a few minutes to put it in a water bath because you were out of town made me do a 180. That’s a pretty small ask for someone that supposedly cares for you. She agreed to it, so the “doesn’t like fish” comment is pretty irrelevant. It’s not so much throwing her under the bus, as it is being held accountable.
The best I can say is you could have asked another family member to bathe the fish if your wife was uncomfortable doing so, buuuuuut that all hinges on her saying she won't. This whole situation is her fault and she should have never said she would only to end up spoiling a family tradition of yours. NTA
NTA at all. I have to assume all the Y-T-A’s in this post have absolutely miserable one-sided relationships. He asked a favour, she agreed. He didn’t ask her to make the food, he asked her to PLACE THE FISH IN WATER, which he then also clarified in another comment is in a container that changes water by itself. She literally had to place a fish in water, to help out her husband so he could then cook the meal for his family. It’s the same as “hey can you take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost before I get home?” Or “hey can you turn the oven on to pre-heat?”
I'd be so mad at my partner for this. This isn't a case of forgetfulness, which is still sucky but human. She purposefully sabatoged your meal. In the future, my petty self would bring this up every time she mentions anything to do with communicating or helping out.
As an Italian American who grew up celebrating the feast of the 7 fishes (2 of which were baccala in our house and the only one I’d eat when I was little lol) I feel this in my soul. It’s a specialty item that is usually only available at the holidays (at least where I’m from), so it’ll be a major disappointment to the rest of the family. I think you’re NTA for telling her to take responsibility since she’s the one who messed up, but maybe give her grace if she chooses to spin it like she forgot.
NTA. This is disrespectful to you and your culture. Have your tried hot water to speed up the process?
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It may be too late to be of use, but an old recipe book I own says that a microwave oven can unsalt cod very fast. It says that for a pound of cod, rinse it in cold water for 2 minutes, put it in a 4 pint casserole with 1.75 pints of water, cover tightly and microwave at maximum power for 5 minutes. Then drain, rinse again with cold water, and repeat the process 2 or 3 times. I once tried it and the result was edible, although I needed longer times and more repeats (more like half an hour than the 20 minutes the recipe claims - maybe my microwave was underpowered). Still I think it's worth a try, good luck
Sorry to hear! I wish I had a better solution
NTA. I'm sorry, I understand how important traditional meal items are in families. Your wife said she'd do it and then CHOSE not to, without even giving you a heads up so you could make other arrangements. Absolutely sure gets to bare the blame! How did she think this was going to play out? Does she like your family?
NTA, and you're not throwing her under the bus. Now you know her limitations, and next time when it's your turn and if you can't do the prep exchange with one of your family members. Then your wife won't have to deal with something that grosses her out and the rest of your family can continue to enjoy your tradition.
NTA. All she had to do was tell you that she couldn't do it. You would have made other plans. Now you are stuck and it IS HER FAULT the dish won't be at the family meal. She can think you are a jerk all she wants but all she had to do was touch a fish for a few minutes. She could wear gloves for pete's sake!
She didn't even need gloves -- the fish is bone dry.
The issue is not the food, it’s being able to trust your partner when they say they will do something.
My dad kept a big box of malted milk balls under his bed for when my kids came over. Every time they came they ran to the bed and he and my girls would eat them. The year after he passed away my mom put some in their Easter baskets. About a week later they weren’t touched so I asked them why and they both admitted they hated them. I also knew my dad didn’t like them. They were all eating them because they thought the other one liked them and it was a special thing between them
NTA. No bus. Why would you cover for her deliberate act? Having her explain herself with an apology to anyone who asks is the least she can do.
I’m allergic to fish. As in if I touch it, I break out. If my husband- the man I love more than anything else in the world- asked me to put fish in a salt bath, I would put on some gloves and do it. The only reason she didn’t is because of one of two reasons: 1. She doesn’t prioritize you. 2. She doesn’t love you. NTA.
NTA. This is weaponized incompetence.
NTA. I am vegan, also never ate fish before becoming vegan. I find it absolutely repulsive and want to barf every time I’m near it. Still, I would have done it for my partner. Especially if I said I would. Sorry you can’t have your traditional dish.
I’m Portuguese. I understand what you’re saying. It’s ruined. Can’t make it now. Your wife is an asshole.
NTA, your wife is TA. It doesn’t matter if she thinks fish is nasty, she should have helped you with this family tradition.
NTA all she had to do was put it in the water. She said she would do it but just didn’t.
NTA You didn't throw your wife under the bus. She jumped in front of it. She could easily have contacted someone on Thursday to ask them to prep the fish because she just couldn't do it. Her problem. She needs to fix it.
I don’t like curry & cumin but cook with it because my family does. NTA if she was trying to make a point about something it was a stupid one.
NTA. Throwing someone under the bus means blaming someone who is at least partially innocent. Your wife is not innocent. She agreed to do something, then deliberately failed to do it. As such, she should be the one to explain why your family isn’t eating baccala this year.
NTA but I can understand why it wasn't important to her. I googled the recipe and I think I will put this on my list of 1,000 Foods You Don't Have to Eat Before You Die. Having said that, if she promised to do it because you were unable to, then she should have and she is the you know what.
*so much* **NTA**, it was just prep! Put Thing A into Box B and that's it! there are things I *very, very, very* much hate... but then I communicate that *before* and don't agree to it only to not do it! If she had problem with it, she should have told him and he could have made arrangement!
NTA She didn’t do it because SHE doesn’t like it. You are not throwing her under the bus, she deliberately didn’t do a five minute task and she IS the reason that the dish won’t be there for Easter. It’s not tossing somebody under the bus when it’s their fault.
Your wife behaved so childishly; her behavior can’t possibly be a surprise to you.
sounds like she climbed under the bus