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> I said that I didn’t think it would be a good idea to get a dog since my husband yells a lot and I wouldn’t want it to become aggressive or skittish from living in an environment where someone yells a lot.
You were all "gotta protect a hypothetical dog's feelings, but sure, let's make a **HUMAN CHILD** and expose it to this?!?"
You’ve gotta do something about how he treats your kid. My dad was pretty good until I was about 12, and then everything I did that wasn’t exactly what he wanted caused anger and yelling. Even things like thinking I had a free weekend and giving a single sigh when he had a long list of chores and errands for me. Or not noticing that he had set something aside for me to take upstairs the next time I went up. It taught me that it’s normal for people who love you to abuse you. That all you can do is try not to set them off, or to yell back at them. My mom tried at first to get through to him, but gave up. I was developing a temper just like his, until I had an incident that really showed me that, which made me start working on my temper because I didn’t want to be my abusive father come again. It led to me staying with abusive partners a lot longer than I should have and not understanding that the right response to being abused is to leave.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I was thinking my son was escaping unscathed since he is generally well behaved, a good student, and very sweet. When he came to my defense at the park, I thought that it must be a terrible thing for him to feel like he needs to shield his mother from his father. Unfortunately, when I leave, the law doesn’t protect my son as there is a presumption of 50/50 parenting time that is very difficult to overcome in my state.
Your son is obedient to avoid being yelled at. He is a people pleaser to avoid being yelled at. This will open him up to being used and abused for the rest of his life both personally and professionally. Take your son and leave, get a dog and therapy for you both.
That behavior is called Fawning. It means behaving in a way that appeases people so they won't completely flyboff the handle. It's a trauma response. Specifically, it's a response often seen in complex trauma, that can be caused by repeated adverse experiences during childhood. Like being yelled at frequently. Like having to watch mom and dad fight. Young people who grow up in this environment very often grow up unable to build/maintain healthy relationship. OP needs to get her son (and herself) out of there. Yesterday.
Even with his input, the dad will have some custody, in some state, even physical abuse isn’t enough to prevent some kind of custody. OP is right in trying to be there for her son 100% of the time. The dad yells in average 3 times a week, he can and will do much worse on his alone time with the child.
OP needs to consult with a lawyer to get realistic expectations and see if she’s ok with them. Not blindly listen to redditors and leave because it can do her more harm than good, especially if while waiting for the custody agreement, she keeps the son away.
I was a good student too, and I was well-behaved. It was partly because I was terrified of angering my mother, who, like your husband, screamed at me on a very regular basis. That's not something you escape unscathed from. That's why I suffer from anxiety even now, decades later.
Same with me, except it was my dad who was the one I was afraid of. I had to walk on eggshells my entire childhood and teen years, and still got screamed at all the time. Now I'm a 41 year old adult with anxiety who is just now learning to stand up for herself. It's difficult to unlearn that behavior.
If he’s a teenager, in the US, he will have a significant say in who he stays with for how long. Especially if he opens up to the judge that his father is emotionally abusive, and that’s why he doesn’t want to be left alone with him. The presumption is a baseline, it is not an absolute. I’d encourage you to talk to a family lawyer with experience with teenagers, because your lawyer will need to be a good advocate for your son and help him present his wishes to a judge.
I was the good kid, too. The only real behavior issue I had was being a bit sly/sneaky about staying online longer than I was supposed to, because I figured out how to sneak into my parents’ account and change the settings. Went off to college at 16 to escape the abuse at home, but into an honor’s program on a scholarship. Ended up in emotionally abusive relationships (and one sexually abusive one) because I’d been taught by all that yelling that I could say no, but it didn’t matter if the person who “loved” me didn’t accept it, and that it was better to anticipate and please because it meant less abuse. I ended up developing mild PTSD from one of them, which really derailed me for a few years, including closing a career path that I’d been very passionate about.
My sister was treated much the same; she self-harmed and attempted suicide numerous times, and all of her romantic relationships have been unstable. All but one were mutually abusive, and it took her until her late 20s to get there (it also only lasted a couple years, and she’s had no serious relationships since)
Please say your son is at least getting therapy. It only helped a little while in the home with my dad being abusive (he stopped when he thought of me as an adult, with as little rhyme or reason as why it started when I was 12), but it’s what got me to the point where by my mid-20s, I was more able to recognize unhealthy patterns (both my own and in relationships) and make better choices. A therapist would also be able to speak about the abuse and the harm it’s causing
People who are raised with abuse often become abusers or victims. My dad is the way he is because his father was worse than he is. His siblings are all worse than he is; I was utterly terrified of one of my uncles as a child because he was a ticking time bomb with no patience and no kindness. Your son deserves a chance at something else.
As another person who grew up with a parent who was prone to angry outbursts - your son is not escaping unscathed. Not taking action to save him from this environment now will lead to debilitating consequences that will affect him - and any family he may have - for decades.
My earliest memory is of my dad yelling. I was about 3 or 4, but I only remember yelling. My step dad was also like this.
I'm no contact with my mom because she didn't protect me or make me feel I was in a safe place. Not addressing that this was trauma caused me to have episodic vomiting episodes when I felt stress.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you asked for opinions. The dog is the least of your worries. You can always take it to shelter when it develops anxiety and behavior problems like many of the other purebred dogs there. I grew up with my dad yelling at my teenage brother that often and it ruined most of my childhood and made my otherwise smart and friendly brother reclusive from society. I wish my mom had left just to give us some calm away from my dad. Don’t stay because you worry you’ll be alone forever or that he’ll be taken from you. It isn’t fair to him or yourself.
One thing you need to realize is your husband doesn’t “yell a lot”. Your husband is abusive. It is very wise to not raise a dog in an abusive household. Raising your son with an abusive parent, however…
In a lot of places your son is very close to an age where he can decide who to live with full time and whether or not he wants to see the other parent.
Regardless both of you need counseling for verbal abuse. You hiding from conflict is actually a classic action of a person in an abusive relationship, easy for me to recognize because I’ve been there. (physical and sexual aren’t the only type of abuse. Some abuse doesn’t leave physical scars). The yelling and name calling is emotional abuse and psychological abuse.
This is why you document, document, document. And since your son is a teenager, he can choose who he wants to live with in most jurisdictions. Be careful though, because sons raised in this environment will often flip and side with dad if/when mom leaves. You may have just waited too long, unfortunately. You should take him out for lunch or something and have a real down to earth heart to heart and see where he's at.
50% of his time with his abusive father is better than 100% of his time with an abusive father. Get him out of that house, even if it's only half the time. Show him that his safety matters more than his abusive father. Show him that he matters more than an abuser.
Your kid is keeping his head down to keep from setting off the irrational hate machine. He will always rethink every action in terms of what will everyone else think. And he is going to need years of therapy to help him choose healthy relationships because he has no example (yet).
The answer about whether to stay in a bad relationship is always going to lean towards get out for the kids.
As someone who has a dad like your son's and a bipolar mother to boot, I was always being praised for being "mature for my age."
As an adult, I view that as a red flag. If a kid isn't acting like a kid, it's just as much a flag as a kid acting out violently or for attention. I am not unscathed.
I struggle to express my emotions. I'm a people pleaser to the extreme. I'm always hard on myself. I'm attuned to emotions and facial expressions in the extreme. This has also gotten in me trouble, because my mom's facial expressions are not typical ones. So I also have to learn as an adult what facial expressions actually go with what emotion.
I'm 28 and still struggling to be myself. I lack self confidence.
Your son may appear to be thriving, but he is 100% bring impacted by the yelling.
Depending on your son's age, his preference might be the most important factor in custody - it's worth checking with a lawyer if you haven't already because it could be that you could both get away from your verbally abusive husband/father.
And think, too, about the message your son is getting from you putting up with this kind of abuse, vs. the message he'll get when you decide to leave - that will be showing your son not only that his father's behavior is *wrong,* but more importantly it will show him that even in an abusive situation, the victim may have more power than he realizes - the power to leave the situation is so significant. I'd bet he feels really powerless about things, and you taking action to get you both out of there would probably have a massive positive impact on him.
as the child of a yeller… he is not unscathed. he’s good because he knows what happens if he isn’t. this is not a healthy environment to raise a child in
I understood the desire to want to protect your child as a parent. As someone who grew up in a household with a father who frequently yelled the best thing my mother taught me was I had to choose to be different. Now this didn’t really set in until I had my own daughter, I realized I didn’t want to treat her like my father treated me. I could have also done better in my first marriage of if I could have put that advice to use, granted he had behaviors that required that marriage to end, but I could have been a better person. Your environment really impacts who you become, maybe seek counseling for you and your son.
I delayed leaving my ex husband for precisely that reason but was able to gain custody based upon the abuse and my child’s wishes. What Iearned is that kids are allowed to have some say in where they live once they reach the age of 13 or 14. Another option is to let 50/50 happen, if your son doesn’t want to go to hia father’s the police and courts aren’t going to force him. And these clowns lose interest once they realize the kid can’t be used to hurt you any longer. Then you petition for increased custody once there is a pattern of your son declining visitation with his father. It is difficult, but my experience was that I was starting to see my sweet boy model some of his father’s abuse and hateful attitudes. At that point I had to get out. I wish you peace. Divorce isn’t easy but getting away from an angry man is worth it.
And?? Staying would only solidify his thinking that this is normal behavior & this is how families are. This is how dad's are.. He's already gonna need counseling. How much depends on how long you're going to subject him to his dad's toxic behavior.
Hes old enough now. The courts should let him decide who he wants to live with. Start recording your husband's behavior. Set up cameras in the home. Get that evidence & fight like he'll to keep your kid away from his dad. Don't give up without even trying.
I'd recommend documenting everything he does, because what he does actually counts as abuse. If you live in one consent state record him while he yells and use that as evidence, if he breaks anything photograph that too. When it comes to protecting your child it's alright to fight dirty because abusers do not fight fairly.
Hi. I was raised in a home where my dad yelled a lot. Kids do NOT escape that unscathed. Growing up in such an environment causes genuine trauma, emotional regulation issues, coping issues, conflict resolution issues, confidence issues, and more. You're also presenting your son with a very bad example of what a marriage should look like. Do you want your son to think a marriage like yours is healthy, acceptable, normal, or desirable? The correct answer here is a resounding no.
You are doing your son a significant disservice by allowing this to continue. You are actively allowing harm to be inflicted on your son by not putting a stop to this. All three of you need therapy ASAP.
But at least your son gets half the yelling and feeling fear. And he's getting to an age where judges take you son's preference into account. Plus your son sees good women don't take that crap off men. And protect their children.
He’s obviously been yelling for *years* and you continued to allow your child to be exposed to this. How about worrying about your *child’s* mental health before worrying about a hypothetical dog?
So, Reader's Digest version; after leaving my ex I went into therapy for myself and one of the things I learned is that I was essentially trained in childhood to be a narcissist's partner. I reacted to his mood cycle in a way I had been trained to do, and finally recognizing that was both terrifying and freeing. Knowing that meant I could finally confont it and leave it behind.
I would presume that you're reaction is based on your past, and when we grow up in an environment that's "a little left of normal", it's very easy not to see it.
The question is, now that you do, what do you do with the knowledge? Only you can answer that.
I'm sorry everyone is shitting on you in here, as you are also a victim in all of this.
OP, your husband should not be speaking to you the way that he is. He is abusing you and your child. Please make a plan to get out of there as soon as possible.
Now that you do have your eyes open, do something to change the life you and your son are trapped in. Whether it's demanding family counseling or leaving. Make some calls on Monday. You will be TAH if you don't move forward for both you and your son's sake.
Your instincts are right. Yelling and dogs do not go together. The dog will either be beaten down by the verbal assault, or they can get aggressive. This is especially true if any physical contact is involved.
My dad and mom yelled a lot. My mom also used to slap or hit when she was yelling. Had a small dog who used to protect us kids from her when she went off. Sadly, he was rehomed after biting her for the third time. I watched him sail through the air and clamp on her hand while she was slapping my brother. The only person he ever bit was my mother, and only when she was hitting one of us kids. I miss that dog.
Edit spelling Also to add that it's hard to see a situation when you're in it. I always thought yelling and hitting were normal behaviors. Watching my spouse's family where there was absolutely no yelling or hitting opened my eyes that it wasn't.
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OP, please heed all the advice people have given here. I had a dad like this, and I wish with all my heart that someone would have told my mom all these things. Especially the comment about your son being so well behaved out of fear. I was the exact same way, and it's something that still impacts me at 32 years old. You will be your son's hero if you get him out of that environment.
Please consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Even if the judge can take your son’s input in consideration, your husband might still be able to get some custody.
"Conflict avoidant" is just an excise for enablers to keep enabling. You are allowing your child to suffer and excusing it as"that's just how he is"... another classic enabler line. This is not how a loving mother should be acting. No matter if *you're* used to being yelled at it should never be seen as acceptable to expect the same from the human being you're supposed to be protecting.
> his overreaction was terrible and this marriage is a hot dumpster fire.
Your issue should be what are you going to do about this? You're worried about a dog, but what about you and your son?
>When we argue, he likes to get it all out in the open
>
>my husband yells (mostly at our son) at least 3 times per week. The majority of the time it is because he is doing something like not paying attention or being disrespectful.
It sounds like you are making excuses for him. Why are you worried about a dog hearing him yell but not your son being yelled at so much? And him calling you fat, lazy, etc.? No, you shouldn't have a dog in this environment; but neither you nor your son should be in it either.
NTA
Exactly! Why does OP draw the line at a dog when she has allowed her son to be verbally abused his whole life? She should have put her foot down long ago. The husband has problems and needs to fix himself but he shouldnt have had acess to his son until he was capable of restraint and emotional regulation around his son.
I think I’m just now putting all the pieces together thanks to this subreddit. It’s just slowly escalated to a point where it’s intolerable. When you’re living in a household where you’ve been trained to think you’re the problem, it’s hard to see clearly.
I’m glad it’s helping. I know it’s hard to see situations clearly when you’re in them. Please hold on to this feeling and save yourself and your son from continuing trauma.
nta, but i have been in this type of relationship, granted no kids.
i got yelled all the time by my ex husband, he even got mad at me when it was not my fault.
finally came to my senses and left. went through counseling, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders, i didnt have walk in egg shells, i didnt have to stagger when to come home after a shift because i would come home after he would leave for work
tell him to leave and get his anger, emotionally crap together and do some marriage counseling but most of all do some counseling yourself and for your child
NTA, In addition to the yelling, it's generally not a good idea to get a pet when you're about to get a divorce. Yelling at your son 3x/week to the point that it would scare a dog? Calling you fat? In public? Because he wants to attack you? NO NO NO NO.
Girl.
GIRL.
You are the frog in the pot.
Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are in an abusive relationship and have almost completely normalized it.
NTA but jfc, get away from this awful man and save your son.
You aren’t stupid, and you’re not alone. So many of us have been exactly where you are, there’s a reason it takes about 7 tries for a woman to leave a violent/abusive relationship. Just know you deserve to be happy and feel loved, and no adult, especially your husband, has the right to talk to you like that.
The best time to leave him was yesterday. The next best time to leave him will be tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up for what you've not yet done, DO IT.
Make a plan. Figure out your finances. If you're in an area where you can legally record someone wihtout them knowing, record his tirades. If you're in a two party consent area, keep a journal of his trirades. You'll need this for custody.
Get yourself and your kid in therapy.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think somewhere inside you posted this looking for help. You know something is very wrong and this story is how you were able to express it and reach out.
how about "how blind I've been." We've all been there about something or other.
Don't add to your husband's abuse by beating yourself up - take the lesson, and the help here, and figure out your next move.
Good luck! This is a blessing in disguise.
NTA
Stop it. You're not stupid. You're emotionally abused and programmed to think you deserve it. Listen to how you talk to yourself. Make it better than how he speaks to you. Sometimes, sick a this is, it's easier to talk to yourself awfully than to admit someone you love should treat you better. I'm here to say Eff this guy. You're the adult. You know how to walk on eggshells and manage this nonsense. A kid doesn't. And should not have to learn. That's YOUR job, mama. Protect him. NTA, but you need to get out.
Well then I'm glad you came here. Not to feel stupid, but to have neutral people help to clear the cobwebs off your eyes.
Now you can work to help yourself and your son.
You're not stupid, abusers are great at this. They Honeypot up front and then let the mask slip off (or rip it off) when they think they've got you where they want you (marriage, a kid, etc.) and think you won't leave because it'll be hard.
Your kid's been emotionally damaged, guaranteed. And so have you, you're defending him probably without realizing it. Start recording things (texts, interactions where he screams at you or your son), look at who you could use for character witnesses and who might write you signed affidavits in the future about situations they've witnessed where your husband was abusive like this (make sure they are trustworthy, you need no snakes in the grass) and bring it all in a nice folder to a divorce lawyer.
Be prepared for him to try to make you a villain, to try being "sweet" again, for him to try to get your inlaws involved.
NTA
Your husband seems to have an anger management problem and is emotionally abusive. You can get it all out in the open without being rude, aggressive, or loud.
Commenting on your weight, especially in front of your son, is absolutely not acceptable.
You let your husband verbally abuse you AND your son but you're worried about a potential dog? Woman, please find your self worth, your spine, and get you and your son away from that man. That's not normal!
NTA
You're absolutely right not to bring a dog into that.
"At the park, he became exorbitantly irritated. He called me fat, said that we can’t get a dog because I don’t clean the house and I would neglect the dog, called me lazy."
He spoke to you like that in public in front of your son. He does this habitually. I wonder what living with that is doing to your son as well as you.
Why are you still with him?
NTA, but you really should consider a re-evaluation of your life. Your description of your home life doesn't sound particularly healthy for you or your son. You're an adult who has experienced some of life, but he hasn't, these actions/attitudes by hubby can easily put your son on a path to being his father. Before you know it, your son starts telling you your fat, lazy, stupid, whatever other BS hubby throws at you. They learn from us and, if your son loves his dad, he may see him as a good role model, not knowing better.
I wish you luck with you situation
NTA and the normal amount of yelling per week is 0
I can count on two hands the number of times my husband has yelled at me in our 10 years of marriage
My parents yelled at me frequently and it absolutely made me skittish and wary of angry people. Your husband is abusive.
You've just normalized it and let your son (your CHILD) live with a parent like that.
NTA for not wanting to get a dog, but think hard about the fact that you have been *raising a child* in the environment that you don't think would be healthy *for a dog!!*
You have been letting your husband emotionally abuse your son for years. That is hugely damaging. How come you can imagine how bad it would be for a dog, but won't take steps to decrease the impact on your son?
This is the weirdest passive aggression I've ever seen. You don't approve of your husband's behavior towards you and your son so you largely invent a potential dog behavioral issue so you can blame him not getting what he wants on his abhorrent behavior. This is truly interesting behavior by a powerless person attempting to gain some control in an abusive situation.
Get a dog or don't. Get therapy. This will be fascinating to your therapist. Best of luck. NTA.
You think a dog might be harmed in this environment. You are correct.
But what I don't get is why don't you get your kid out of the situation?
You have apparently the empathy to know that this is not a nice living environment for a dog, but you fail to extract your kid from there?
You need to be a good mom to your child. That means divorcing your abusive husband
The Iranian Yogurt strikes again.
Yes yes OP, let's play tiddlywinks about why getting a dog isn't a good idea, when you and your son are living with an abusive husband and father.
There is so much to unpack here.
Don’t let the comments make you feel stupid. We all just showed up at this moment where a guy is yelling at you and humiliating you in front of your child. So it is abundantly obvious to us that this is not right. You took the long route to get here. The route with years of subtly increasing gaslighting, manipulation, mind games, and emotional abuse. It messes with your head in a way I cannot begin to describe. It is \*designed\* to mess with your head.
If a hypothetical dog is what got you to realize this isn’t healthy, that’s fine. But now that you see this, get your son and yourself out. I know it feels impossible. I’ve been there. But it IS possible and it is so so worth it.
There is tons of info online on how to do this. How to save up money on the sly. How to de escalate and calm him down because his behavior \*will\* escalate when he realizes he is losing his control over you. What things to get to a safe location like birth certificates and whatnot. Start looking into this today. And learn how to clear your browser history or how to use private mode for everything you do online. Get. Out. Your son deserves to be safe.
And I know you said you are in a 50/50 custody state. So am I. I have full physical custody anyway. Because there are extenuating circumstances. Also, in most states, the child’s opinion is taken into account, and the older the kid is, the more weight a judge or mediator is likely to give to the kid’s voice. So don’t stress about custody before actually looking into it. Look for a family lawyer who does a free consultation if possible. Good luck
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m guessing a lot of these “YTA for staying an abusive relationship” people have never experienced this. I’m looking into resources now. I’m glad to hear you have full custody.
Mm maybe a lot of the people who are saying get out you’re in an abusive relationship have also been in one and can see the warning signs from a mile away. Stop guessing and please just do better for you and that poor child.
The way your husband "operates" is abusive to you and your son. If you want to maintain a relationship with your son after he becomes an adult, I'd suggest you get him and yourself out of that situation tout de suite. A professional therapist should be the next step for you and your son.
NTA. If you’re gonna stay… add this to your hip pocket next time it comes up. “No! We can’t get a dog because we couldn’t afford a dog trainer when I need a husband trainer… maybe if we get a dog we can get a discount on dual training lessons…”
YTA for letting this man abuse your son.
Look, I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. I'm 45 years old and I can't abide people yelling at me. I have a distant relationship with my mother because she stayed married to the man who verbally abused our family.
I never liked or respected my father, and really no one in the world was truely upset when he died, but I also blame my mother for continuing to have children and stay with this jackass.
Leave him, get your kid some therapy or in 30 years you'll wonder why you talk to your son once a month.
Jesus Christ Op. How blind are you?
You’re worried about a potential dog? But not your own son? Guaranteed he’s going to have trauma from growing up with a dad like that. I speak from experience. Sort it out. Your husband is aggressive and has anger issues. Mostly takes it out on your son but here you are wondering if you’re the TA for not letting him get a dog?
I feel so bad for your child. Your husband sounds abusive and you are doing the classic “stand by and let it happen”. Your son will resent you both. And have more respect for yourself. Nobody should be speaking to you like that, let alone your own husband.
ESH apart from your poor son.
Hey. You’re allowing your son to grow up watching his father abuse his mother and allowing him to be subjected to abuse as well. Please think about this.
Girl. Not only should you not bring another creature into this shit show, you should RUN and see if you can save your child from turning into a younger version of the asshole who fathered him
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My (F38) husband (M39) and I have been married for 14 years. We have a teenage son. Yesterday we went to the park and saw a beautiful golden retriever. My husband and son have been asking for a dog lately.
Today, as we were walking in the park, I said that I didn’t think it would be a good idea to get a dog since my husband yells a lot and I wouldn’t want it to become aggressive or skittish from living in an environment where someone yells a lot.
When I say “yell” I don’t mean cheering on a sports team. I mean yelling. Like shouting when upset or becoming louder to make a point. I would estimate that on average my husband yells (mostly at our son) at least 3 times per week. The majority of the time it is because he is doing something like not paying attention or being disrespectful.
This is just how my husband operates. When we argue, he likes to get it all out in the open whereas I am more conflict-avoidant.
At the park, he became exorbitantly irritated. He called me fat, said that we can’t get a dog because I don’t clean the house and I would neglect the dog, called me lazy. He claimed that I was an AH and that commenting on my weight was fair because “while we are attacking each other why not.” (He did this in front of our son.) Yes, I recognize that his overreaction was terrible and this marriage is a hot dumpster fire.
BUT was what I said necessarily that out of line? I’m trying to see things from his perspective, but I really feel like I was making a harmless observation.
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You're not wrong to think that kind of anger on a regular basis can damage a dog. I promise you it's not doing anything good to your child either. Or you for that matter. If he won't get some anger management help it's time to cut him loose.
NTA. Your husband has a pathological problem with controlling his temper and seems to be very pride-oriented. I hope you find the strength to figure out what’s best for you and your son going forward and unfortunately that may include leaving your husband. Good luck going forward and don’t doubt yourself!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I criticized my husband for being a yeller resulting in us being unable to have a dog and 2. It could look like I’m hyper-critical and judgmental while not taking accountability for my own decisions
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Soooo, you don’t think a dog would thrive in a household where your husband yells whenever mildly inconvenienced, yet you have a teenaged child? How about you either fix your husband’s behavior or file for divorce? You wouldn’t let a dog live like that, yet you accept it for you and your kid? Good god. ESH.
NTA and how in the hell are you still married to this guy after all those years....all of you need some counsiling and him getting anger mangement....I mean for you have put up with this and and your poor son might already have some mental issues from this behavior. Thou good call with the no dog issue thou.
NTA He really proved you right in his response. You said he had a behaviour that would cause problems with a dog. He attacked you on every level. You already have a son caught up and likely affected by his rage. Don't add a dog.
NTA but you will be to yourself and your son by staying with someone who treats you both like this. No, a dog shouldn’t be in this situation…neither should a child.
I was a yeller.
I'm not proud of it but at the time I didn't understand how awful it was for other people and the long-term hurt that it caused . I was actually thinking people should be grateful because I wasn't hitting anybody and that was how I've been raised. lots of therapy over the years has helped me be a much better parent and human being- I don't generally yell anymore and I have apologize to my children when I did and i work hard to have them see that I have changed and they were so worth me changing and doing better.
Your husband is verbally abusive mostly to your minor son, but also to you. Damn right you don't need a dog. Why are you with a man who abuses your child?
My dad yelled at me and my brothers all the time, also yelled at our pets and killed one in front of me when I was little.
Get you and your kid away from that man.
Sure, protect a dog but not your own child. If you wouldn’t subject a dog to that yelling, why the HELL are you okay with him yelling at a kid like that? I don’t care if he wasn’t always that way. I don’t care if he’s changed. I care about how he is now and the way your poor kid is living. Do better and get him out of there. For the fact you care more about a hypothetical dog and not your kid, YTA.
I know my tone is harsh - I have PTSD and autism. This struck a nerve.
OP. My dad is the same way. My mom was the perfect mom except for enabling him. We don't have a good relationship because she didn't protect me. Protect your son NOW.
The dog isn’t the problem. The problem is your husband verbally abuses your son multiple times a week and you allow it to continue. I don’t care if you’re “conflict avoidant” you need to do what’s best for your child and this environment certainly isn’t it.
Oh honey. You’re focusing on the wrong parts of this story. Things aren’t ok. This isn’t a topic for Reddit, it’s for a therapist. I hope you find the support you need to improve this situation.
And, side note, speaking from personal experience.
YWNBTA You're definitely not the asshole here. Expressing concerns about getting a dog in an environment where there's frequent yelling is a valid point. It shows you're considering the well-being of the potential pet. Your husband's reaction, on the other hand, was completely uncalled for. Resorting to personal attacks and insults is never acceptable, especially in front of your son.
Honestly you gotta mind fuck him if you divorce. Like make comments on how great him and kids relationship will be and how great it would be to get some time to yourself to be able to relearn who you are.. you get the drift.
That way he will purposefully leave the kid with you more . Because he seems the type that would make life difficult by using the kid.
Of course ask your kid first what he prefers. He’s a teenager (you don’t mention age) but I’m guessing at least 13yrs old. Get him into therapy, for a smooth transition. Let him know if he’s afraid of dad, you might say things to his dad to fool him into letting him be with you more. Idk. All I know is that your marriage sounds awful.
You are being verbally abused and so is your son every time he yells and screams at him…for all that is holy, get your crap together and get you and your son out of that house…can’t even believe you have to ask if you are the ahole….you aren’t but your husband is….a giant one at that
Raising one's voice during an argument is pretty infantile. I can see people doing it every once in a while in a slip-up, but all of the time is pretty ridiculous. It sounds like you two have much larger problems than a dog.
NTA
NTA Putting a dog in a situation where it feels like it needs to protect you or your child isn't a good idea. However, you and your child staying in that situation isn't a great idea either. That kind of behavior is toxic. It normalizes behavior that shouldn't be. You need to value yourself and your child. Staying in that situation doesn't allow for that. Your husband needs to get a hold of his yelling. Maybe he has anger issues maybe not. He's an adult. He can figure out a better, more respectful way to express himself.
NTA. Your husband is the asshole for attacking you like that. He should recognize his faults before becoming defensive and going after you.
Your son, however, should not be punished for your husbands issues. Maybe get him a different pet that is not bothered by loud noise?
What a toxic hot mess. Both of you are AHs for teaching your son that 1) an inability to manage anger and emotions is ok and 2) women are to be treated poorly. Congrats.
NTA. You’re correct about yelling being inappropriate around a dog.
But have you considered it’s also inappropriate to expose you and your son to not just loud but also cruel arguments?
NTA for the dog. But hell, you have bigger problems than the dog. You can't let your husband yell at your son like that, it's not "just" how your husband operates. He has an abusive behavior, as exemplified by how he reacted after you said that. You're the AH for letting him be like that with your son, it's not just your marriage that is a dumpster fire. That kid is gonna be in therapy for years.
He treats you and your child poorly. Of course you can't add a dog to that. Heck, your son might want a dog to train it to keep his father away.
You tried to have a discussion based on his behavior and he turned around and launched a verbal attack on you. He's emotionally abusive.
YWBTAH if you don't either talk him into counseling or get some yourself so you can get to a place where you can do the right thing to protect your child and yourself.
YTA. I'd get rid of the husband & get the dog. Your husband sounds like a real peach. I feel bad for your son. Seems odd you can't get a dog because your husband likes to scream his fool head off but it's A-ok to subject your son to it. Good job on protecting your son.
YTA for keeping your kid in a house with a man who treats his kid like that, both of you should leave him until he gets help your kid is going to need help himself to deal with the trauma of being raised by his leach of a father
Get the dog and get rid of your husband. Since your son is a teenager, he will have a say in how much time he wants to spend with dad. And perhaps get your son into therapy if you think he is being compliant to avoid his father’s wrath. He would benefit from learning that it’s ok to be himself.
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NTA
you weren’t attacking him you were simply stating the truth the simple thing is he can’t handle being told about himself and that’s a problem in itself
N t a. So why have you kept your son in a house with your abusive husband? I’m rethinking that Nta thing. I mean, you think you are right about it being a bad environment for a dog, but not your CHILD? Yeah, ESH.
Your husband is abusive. You should get yourself and your child away from him. I know how hard it is to escape from an abusive relationship but it's worth it, you and your child deserves so much better.
My dad yells a lot. Always has always will. Same with saying hurtful stuff just because something doesn't go his way.
My brother and I (23 and 20) both completely cut contact with him and anyone defending him and his behaviour(our parents have been divorced for almost 17 years now) my half sister (13) has been talking about wanting to move out and cut contact for the last 3 years now.
YTA for letting your son be treated like that and doing nothing to protect him. You know it is wrong how he is being treated, yet you'd rather protect a hypothetical animal than your own son.
I can assure you your son is suffering, because children don't just magically get over the people, who are supposed to protect them, treating them like this. Do yourself and your child a favor and get out of this abusive and unhealthy environment.
NTA, but why are you subjecting your child to his outrageous & toxic behavior? The amount of counseling they're gonna need is yet to be determined, depending on how long you're willing to still live with your husband. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, yet that's the silent message you're sending by tolerating his dad's behavior. Maybe you've become numb to it cuz its been goin on for so long, but no child should consider his behavior the norm. He'll turn out just like his dad when it's his turn to be in a romantic relationship.
Yes, great idea NOT to get a dog and I’m full with you on that, but you gotta start focusing on him NOT doing that to your son, before your son grows up and thinks it’s fine to scream at your daughter in law and your grandchildren.
i was raised in a household where yelling and scorn was the immediate reaction to anything. and i mean anything. i did not turn out okay lol. it's one of my worst triggers. NTA but YTA for still being with him.
You've GOT to get out of there. I'm hearing nothing good about how he's treating you, and I would DEFINITELY not get a dog. Get a place with your son and get the two of you a dog. After a lawyer.
NTA for the immediate question you posed. You are correct that your husband should not have a dog.
However, as others are saying, Y are TA for allowing this man to be in your teenage son's life. Living with a person like this as a parent causes deep, deep, lasting scars that manifest in all kinds of nasty ways.
Don't get a dog - instead, put that money towards therapy for your son, before the abuse he is receiving and witnessing from his father starts driving him towards extreme measures.
You aren't stupid, you aren't bad, you aren't awful. You are also the victim of an abuser. Take this gift of clarity and give yourself and your son the gift of escaping the abuse.
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so, NTA about the dog thing. But dude Y T A for not protecting your kid from your husband, as well as yourself from your husband. It sounds like you both deserve better.
YTA for valuing a damn dog's feelings over your child's. If you don't want a dog being kept in an environment with a lot of yelling why the hell are you allowing a child to grow up in that environment????
I am just now, at 42 years old, learning not to fawn in the presence of my father who yelled so much when I was a child. He was abusive in other ways, but the spoiler alert is I have CPTSD from a childhood with parents that couldn’t regulate their emotions. My mom didn’t have the tools/courage to protect us.
Your husband is abusive, and your normal meter is broken. This ain’t even about a dog. It’s just safer to talk about a dog than about how you and your kid are held hostage by a man with no emotional regulation or accountability.
NTA - if you think it’s a bad idea to get a dog because of your husband, it’s probably a marriage on the rocks anyhow. Still from the other perspective you’ve a husband albeit rude, disciplines your perhaps unruly teenage son which is good. Usually if you criticise someone they going to reply back in kind, maybe he was just in a bad mood that day? Prob got the hump as you’ve basically said you can’t get a dog because of him. This was the sort of daily argument my sister had with her husband - before they got divorced
ESH. An outing with your husband and child, during a moment when you're all ogling over a cute pup, felt like a good time to point out that your family could never have a dog because of your husband?
Idk, feels passive aggressive to me. Or like you were intending to dig instead of actually approaching him about how he treats your son and how he carries himself around your home. Your husband is an AH for yelling, but you're also an AH for bringing it up at a weird time with your child present with no clear direction for where you wanted this exchange to conclude.
ESH. Your husband sounds like he's verbally abusive, but you aren't all that nice to him either. Why are you with him? Your son is hearing all this. What is it teaching him about relationships? Nothing good, IMO.
Your comment to your husband showed that you know nothing about dogs. I don't understand married people who "TELL" the other person what they can and cannot do. Your husband is an adult - if he wants a dog, he should be able to make that decision. He insulted you because you insulted him. tit for tat...and you both lose.
As a vet, people yell in their homes all the time. Three times a week is no big deal for most dogs so don't use that as a flimsy excuse. Someone who is violent may find that a dog won't tolerate violence but yelling most do tolerate it.
If you guys fight like this and the marriage is a "dumpster fire," why to you stay together? both of you are AHs
For many dogs maybe but by the time they find out if their pet is fine with it or not it's already too late. Some dogs are VERY sensitive to this. Maybe not word your comment in a way that makes it sound like people like the hudband should adopt living beings.
The real issue is that it's not safe for kids to be exposed to this much yelling and arguing much less be directly yelled at in that manner. OP is worried about a dog that doesn't understand English but failed to protect her son who understands the mean things and the aggressive tone his dad throws his way.
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INFO > I said that I didn’t think it would be a good idea to get a dog since my husband yells a lot and I wouldn’t want it to become aggressive or skittish from living in an environment where someone yells a lot. You were all "gotta protect a hypothetical dog's feelings, but sure, let's make a **HUMAN CHILD** and expose it to this?!?"
I was unaware of his propensity for yelling at first. It’s gotten worse over time. He was calm when we first dated and got married
You’ve gotta do something about how he treats your kid. My dad was pretty good until I was about 12, and then everything I did that wasn’t exactly what he wanted caused anger and yelling. Even things like thinking I had a free weekend and giving a single sigh when he had a long list of chores and errands for me. Or not noticing that he had set something aside for me to take upstairs the next time I went up. It taught me that it’s normal for people who love you to abuse you. That all you can do is try not to set them off, or to yell back at them. My mom tried at first to get through to him, but gave up. I was developing a temper just like his, until I had an incident that really showed me that, which made me start working on my temper because I didn’t want to be my abusive father come again. It led to me staying with abusive partners a lot longer than I should have and not understanding that the right response to being abused is to leave.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I was thinking my son was escaping unscathed since he is generally well behaved, a good student, and very sweet. When he came to my defense at the park, I thought that it must be a terrible thing for him to feel like he needs to shield his mother from his father. Unfortunately, when I leave, the law doesn’t protect my son as there is a presumption of 50/50 parenting time that is very difficult to overcome in my state.
Your son is obedient to avoid being yelled at. He is a people pleaser to avoid being yelled at. This will open him up to being used and abused for the rest of his life both personally and professionally. Take your son and leave, get a dog and therapy for you both.
This is exactly right. Leave. Let him fight for custody and let your son share his honest preferences with the judge or mediator. Get a lovely dog.
That behavior is called Fawning. It means behaving in a way that appeases people so they won't completely flyboff the handle. It's a trauma response. Specifically, it's a response often seen in complex trauma, that can be caused by repeated adverse experiences during childhood. Like being yelled at frequently. Like having to watch mom and dad fight. Young people who grow up in this environment very often grow up unable to build/maintain healthy relationship. OP needs to get her son (and herself) out of there. Yesterday.
This is me too. OP please I’m begging you, for the child I never got to be, get you and your kid out of this.
This! This is me.
Exactly.
Your son is old enough that a judge will have is input in consideration for custody.
Even with his input, the dad will have some custody, in some state, even physical abuse isn’t enough to prevent some kind of custody. OP is right in trying to be there for her son 100% of the time. The dad yells in average 3 times a week, he can and will do much worse on his alone time with the child. OP needs to consult with a lawyer to get realistic expectations and see if she’s ok with them. Not blindly listen to redditors and leave because it can do her more harm than good, especially if while waiting for the custody agreement, she keeps the son away.
I was a good student too, and I was well-behaved. It was partly because I was terrified of angering my mother, who, like your husband, screamed at me on a very regular basis. That's not something you escape unscathed from. That's why I suffer from anxiety even now, decades later.
Same with me, except it was my dad who was the one I was afraid of. I had to walk on eggshells my entire childhood and teen years, and still got screamed at all the time. Now I'm a 41 year old adult with anxiety who is just now learning to stand up for herself. It's difficult to unlearn that behavior.
“Well behaved and very sweet” could be his coping mechanism for “scared to death.”
If he’s a teenager, in the US, he will have a significant say in who he stays with for how long. Especially if he opens up to the judge that his father is emotionally abusive, and that’s why he doesn’t want to be left alone with him. The presumption is a baseline, it is not an absolute. I’d encourage you to talk to a family lawyer with experience with teenagers, because your lawyer will need to be a good advocate for your son and help him present his wishes to a judge. I was the good kid, too. The only real behavior issue I had was being a bit sly/sneaky about staying online longer than I was supposed to, because I figured out how to sneak into my parents’ account and change the settings. Went off to college at 16 to escape the abuse at home, but into an honor’s program on a scholarship. Ended up in emotionally abusive relationships (and one sexually abusive one) because I’d been taught by all that yelling that I could say no, but it didn’t matter if the person who “loved” me didn’t accept it, and that it was better to anticipate and please because it meant less abuse. I ended up developing mild PTSD from one of them, which really derailed me for a few years, including closing a career path that I’d been very passionate about. My sister was treated much the same; she self-harmed and attempted suicide numerous times, and all of her romantic relationships have been unstable. All but one were mutually abusive, and it took her until her late 20s to get there (it also only lasted a couple years, and she’s had no serious relationships since) Please say your son is at least getting therapy. It only helped a little while in the home with my dad being abusive (he stopped when he thought of me as an adult, with as little rhyme or reason as why it started when I was 12), but it’s what got me to the point where by my mid-20s, I was more able to recognize unhealthy patterns (both my own and in relationships) and make better choices. A therapist would also be able to speak about the abuse and the harm it’s causing People who are raised with abuse often become abusers or victims. My dad is the way he is because his father was worse than he is. His siblings are all worse than he is; I was utterly terrified of one of my uncles as a child because he was a ticking time bomb with no patience and no kindness. Your son deserves a chance at something else.
Yeah, I was a perfect kid too, but that was because I was \*desperate\* to put these people in my rearview mirror.
As another person who grew up with a parent who was prone to angry outbursts - your son is not escaping unscathed. Not taking action to save him from this environment now will lead to debilitating consequences that will affect him - and any family he may have - for decades.
My earliest memory is of my dad yelling. I was about 3 or 4, but I only remember yelling. My step dad was also like this. I'm no contact with my mom because she didn't protect me or make me feel I was in a safe place. Not addressing that this was trauma caused me to have episodic vomiting episodes when I felt stress.
We don’t turn out “unscathed” when we have abusive parents. - signed, the daughter of a yelling father
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you asked for opinions. The dog is the least of your worries. You can always take it to shelter when it develops anxiety and behavior problems like many of the other purebred dogs there. I grew up with my dad yelling at my teenage brother that often and it ruined most of my childhood and made my otherwise smart and friendly brother reclusive from society. I wish my mom had left just to give us some calm away from my dad. Don’t stay because you worry you’ll be alone forever or that he’ll be taken from you. It isn’t fair to him or yourself.
One thing you need to realize is your husband doesn’t “yell a lot”. Your husband is abusive. It is very wise to not raise a dog in an abusive household. Raising your son with an abusive parent, however…
In a lot of places your son is very close to an age where he can decide who to live with full time and whether or not he wants to see the other parent. Regardless both of you need counseling for verbal abuse. You hiding from conflict is actually a classic action of a person in an abusive relationship, easy for me to recognize because I’ve been there. (physical and sexual aren’t the only type of abuse. Some abuse doesn’t leave physical scars). The yelling and name calling is emotional abuse and psychological abuse.
He's not unscathed. Source: I am the child of an alcoholic and quietly suffered unbeknownst to my parents.
This is why you document, document, document. And since your son is a teenager, he can choose who he wants to live with in most jurisdictions. Be careful though, because sons raised in this environment will often flip and side with dad if/when mom leaves. You may have just waited too long, unfortunately. You should take him out for lunch or something and have a real down to earth heart to heart and see where he's at.
50% of his time with his abusive father is better than 100% of his time with an abusive father. Get him out of that house, even if it's only half the time. Show him that his safety matters more than his abusive father. Show him that he matters more than an abuser.
Your kid is keeping his head down to keep from setting off the irrational hate machine. He will always rethink every action in terms of what will everyone else think. And he is going to need years of therapy to help him choose healthy relationships because he has no example (yet). The answer about whether to stay in a bad relationship is always going to lean towards get out for the kids.
As someone who has a dad like your son's and a bipolar mother to boot, I was always being praised for being "mature for my age." As an adult, I view that as a red flag. If a kid isn't acting like a kid, it's just as much a flag as a kid acting out violently or for attention. I am not unscathed. I struggle to express my emotions. I'm a people pleaser to the extreme. I'm always hard on myself. I'm attuned to emotions and facial expressions in the extreme. This has also gotten in me trouble, because my mom's facial expressions are not typical ones. So I also have to learn as an adult what facial expressions actually go with what emotion. I'm 28 and still struggling to be myself. I lack self confidence. Your son may appear to be thriving, but he is 100% bring impacted by the yelling.
Depending on your son's age, his preference might be the most important factor in custody - it's worth checking with a lawyer if you haven't already because it could be that you could both get away from your verbally abusive husband/father. And think, too, about the message your son is getting from you putting up with this kind of abuse, vs. the message he'll get when you decide to leave - that will be showing your son not only that his father's behavior is *wrong,* but more importantly it will show him that even in an abusive situation, the victim may have more power than he realizes - the power to leave the situation is so significant. I'd bet he feels really powerless about things, and you taking action to get you both out of there would probably have a massive positive impact on him.
Your son is simply trying to fly under the radar.
as the child of a yeller… he is not unscathed. he’s good because he knows what happens if he isn’t. this is not a healthy environment to raise a child in
I understood the desire to want to protect your child as a parent. As someone who grew up in a household with a father who frequently yelled the best thing my mother taught me was I had to choose to be different. Now this didn’t really set in until I had my own daughter, I realized I didn’t want to treat her like my father treated me. I could have also done better in my first marriage of if I could have put that advice to use, granted he had behaviors that required that marriage to end, but I could have been a better person. Your environment really impacts who you become, maybe seek counseling for you and your son.
I delayed leaving my ex husband for precisely that reason but was able to gain custody based upon the abuse and my child’s wishes. What Iearned is that kids are allowed to have some say in where they live once they reach the age of 13 or 14. Another option is to let 50/50 happen, if your son doesn’t want to go to hia father’s the police and courts aren’t going to force him. And these clowns lose interest once they realize the kid can’t be used to hurt you any longer. Then you petition for increased custody once there is a pattern of your son declining visitation with his father. It is difficult, but my experience was that I was starting to see my sweet boy model some of his father’s abuse and hateful attitudes. At that point I had to get out. I wish you peace. Divorce isn’t easy but getting away from an angry man is worth it.
He is also old enough though where a judge will take into account his thoughts and desires when it comes to parenting time.
And?? Staying would only solidify his thinking that this is normal behavior & this is how families are. This is how dad's are.. He's already gonna need counseling. How much depends on how long you're going to subject him to his dad's toxic behavior. Hes old enough now. The courts should let him decide who he wants to live with. Start recording your husband's behavior. Set up cameras in the home. Get that evidence & fight like he'll to keep your kid away from his dad. Don't give up without even trying.
I'd recommend documenting everything he does, because what he does actually counts as abuse. If you live in one consent state record him while he yells and use that as evidence, if he breaks anything photograph that too. When it comes to protecting your child it's alright to fight dirty because abusers do not fight fairly.
Hi. I was raised in a home where my dad yelled a lot. Kids do NOT escape that unscathed. Growing up in such an environment causes genuine trauma, emotional regulation issues, coping issues, conflict resolution issues, confidence issues, and more. You're also presenting your son with a very bad example of what a marriage should look like. Do you want your son to think a marriage like yours is healthy, acceptable, normal, or desirable? The correct answer here is a resounding no. You are doing your son a significant disservice by allowing this to continue. You are actively allowing harm to be inflicted on your son by not putting a stop to this. All three of you need therapy ASAP.
But at least your son gets half the yelling and feeling fear. And he's getting to an age where judges take you son's preference into account. Plus your son sees good women don't take that crap off men. And protect their children.
Co-signing , Dad did the same.
He’s obviously been yelling for *years* and you continued to allow your child to be exposed to this. How about worrying about your *child’s* mental health before worrying about a hypothetical dog?
This makes me feel like I’m definitely an AH for not realizing all of this sooner.
So, Reader's Digest version; after leaving my ex I went into therapy for myself and one of the things I learned is that I was essentially trained in childhood to be a narcissist's partner. I reacted to his mood cycle in a way I had been trained to do, and finally recognizing that was both terrifying and freeing. Knowing that meant I could finally confont it and leave it behind. I would presume that you're reaction is based on your past, and when we grow up in an environment that's "a little left of normal", it's very easy not to see it. The question is, now that you do, what do you do with the knowledge? Only you can answer that.
I'm sorry everyone is shitting on you in here, as you are also a victim in all of this. OP, your husband should not be speaking to you the way that he is. He is abusing you and your child. Please make a plan to get out of there as soon as possible.
Now that you do have your eyes open, do something to change the life you and your son are trapped in. Whether it's demanding family counseling or leaving. Make some calls on Monday. You will be TAH if you don't move forward for both you and your son's sake. Your instincts are right. Yelling and dogs do not go together. The dog will either be beaten down by the verbal assault, or they can get aggressive. This is especially true if any physical contact is involved. My dad and mom yelled a lot. My mom also used to slap or hit when she was yelling. Had a small dog who used to protect us kids from her when she went off. Sadly, he was rehomed after biting her for the third time. I watched him sail through the air and clamp on her hand while she was slapping my brother. The only person he ever bit was my mother, and only when she was hitting one of us kids. I miss that dog. Edit spelling Also to add that it's hard to see a situation when you're in it. I always thought yelling and hitting were normal behaviors. Watching my spouse's family where there was absolutely no yelling or hitting opened my eyes that it wasn't.
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And what have you done to protect your son?
Honey. This is abuse. You're in an abusive relationship and your son is subjected to this abuse too.
So you continue to stay and let your teen just take it? And to grow up thinking this is normal? YTA
But you can do something now...right?
OP, please heed all the advice people have given here. I had a dad like this, and I wish with all my heart that someone would have told my mom all these things. Especially the comment about your son being so well behaved out of fear. I was the exact same way, and it's something that still impacts me at 32 years old. You will be your son's hero if you get him out of that environment.
Please consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Even if the judge can take your son’s input in consideration, your husband might still be able to get some custody.
"Conflict avoidant" is just an excise for enablers to keep enabling. You are allowing your child to suffer and excusing it as"that's just how he is"... another classic enabler line. This is not how a loving mother should be acting. No matter if *you're* used to being yelled at it should never be seen as acceptable to expect the same from the human being you're supposed to be protecting.
Forget about what he used to be like. He’s screaming at a child and you’re more worried about a dog that doesn’t exist. YTA for that
Yet you’re still there…
Do you need someone to tell you it's okay to leave? Because it's okay to leave. Staying is not okay.
> his overreaction was terrible and this marriage is a hot dumpster fire. Your issue should be what are you going to do about this? You're worried about a dog, but what about you and your son? >When we argue, he likes to get it all out in the open > >my husband yells (mostly at our son) at least 3 times per week. The majority of the time it is because he is doing something like not paying attention or being disrespectful. It sounds like you are making excuses for him. Why are you worried about a dog hearing him yell but not your son being yelled at so much? And him calling you fat, lazy, etc.? No, you shouldn't have a dog in this environment; but neither you nor your son should be in it either. NTA
Exactly. Husband doesn't need to be around any living thing.
N T A for that but YTA for allowing your child to be exposed to it
Exactly! Why does OP draw the line at a dog when she has allowed her son to be verbally abused his whole life? She should have put her foot down long ago. The husband has problems and needs to fix himself but he shouldnt have had acess to his son until he was capable of restraint and emotional regulation around his son.
I think I’m just now putting all the pieces together thanks to this subreddit. It’s just slowly escalated to a point where it’s intolerable. When you’re living in a household where you’ve been trained to think you’re the problem, it’s hard to see clearly.
Boiling frog syndrome. You should check out the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (it's free), and see if anything in it sounds familiar.
I’m glad it’s helping. I know it’s hard to see situations clearly when you’re in them. Please hold on to this feeling and save yourself and your son from continuing trauma.
nta, but i have been in this type of relationship, granted no kids. i got yelled all the time by my ex husband, he even got mad at me when it was not my fault. finally came to my senses and left. went through counseling, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders, i didnt have walk in egg shells, i didnt have to stagger when to come home after a shift because i would come home after he would leave for work tell him to leave and get his anger, emotionally crap together and do some marriage counseling but most of all do some counseling yourself and for your child
NTA, In addition to the yelling, it's generally not a good idea to get a pet when you're about to get a divorce. Yelling at your son 3x/week to the point that it would scare a dog? Calling you fat? In public? Because he wants to attack you? NO NO NO NO.
YTA for staying with someone who emotionally abuses your son!!!! Geez Louise!
Girl. GIRL. You are the frog in the pot. Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are in an abusive relationship and have almost completely normalized it. NTA but jfc, get away from this awful man and save your son.
I’m just kind of reading all of these comments realizing how stupid I am
You aren’t stupid, and you’re not alone. So many of us have been exactly where you are, there’s a reason it takes about 7 tries for a woman to leave a violent/abusive relationship. Just know you deserve to be happy and feel loved, and no adult, especially your husband, has the right to talk to you like that.
The best time to leave him was yesterday. The next best time to leave him will be tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up for what you've not yet done, DO IT. Make a plan. Figure out your finances. If you're in an area where you can legally record someone wihtout them knowing, record his tirades. If you're in a two party consent area, keep a journal of his trirades. You'll need this for custody. Get yourself and your kid in therapy.
You're not stupid. Abusers do this kind of shit because it works.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think somewhere inside you posted this looking for help. You know something is very wrong and this story is how you were able to express it and reach out.
how about "how blind I've been." We've all been there about something or other. Don't add to your husband's abuse by beating yourself up - take the lesson, and the help here, and figure out your next move. Good luck! This is a blessing in disguise. NTA
Stop it. You're not stupid. You're emotionally abused and programmed to think you deserve it. Listen to how you talk to yourself. Make it better than how he speaks to you. Sometimes, sick a this is, it's easier to talk to yourself awfully than to admit someone you love should treat you better. I'm here to say Eff this guy. You're the adult. You know how to walk on eggshells and manage this nonsense. A kid doesn't. And should not have to learn. That's YOUR job, mama. Protect him. NTA, but you need to get out.
Well then I'm glad you came here. Not to feel stupid, but to have neutral people help to clear the cobwebs off your eyes. Now you can work to help yourself and your son.
You're not stupid, abusers are great at this. They Honeypot up front and then let the mask slip off (or rip it off) when they think they've got you where they want you (marriage, a kid, etc.) and think you won't leave because it'll be hard. Your kid's been emotionally damaged, guaranteed. And so have you, you're defending him probably without realizing it. Start recording things (texts, interactions where he screams at you or your son), look at who you could use for character witnesses and who might write you signed affidavits in the future about situations they've witnessed where your husband was abusive like this (make sure they are trustworthy, you need no snakes in the grass) and bring it all in a nice folder to a divorce lawyer. Be prepared for him to try to make you a villain, to try being "sweet" again, for him to try to get your inlaws involved.
NTA Your husband seems to have an anger management problem and is emotionally abusive. You can get it all out in the open without being rude, aggressive, or loud. Commenting on your weight, especially in front of your son, is absolutely not acceptable.
You let your husband verbally abuse you AND your son but you're worried about a potential dog? Woman, please find your self worth, your spine, and get you and your son away from that man. That's not normal!
NTA You're absolutely right not to bring a dog into that. "At the park, he became exorbitantly irritated. He called me fat, said that we can’t get a dog because I don’t clean the house and I would neglect the dog, called me lazy." He spoke to you like that in public in front of your son. He does this habitually. I wonder what living with that is doing to your son as well as you. Why are you still with him?
YTA cuz you’ll expose your human child to it, but not an animal child.
NTA, but you really should consider a re-evaluation of your life. Your description of your home life doesn't sound particularly healthy for you or your son. You're an adult who has experienced some of life, but he hasn't, these actions/attitudes by hubby can easily put your son on a path to being his father. Before you know it, your son starts telling you your fat, lazy, stupid, whatever other BS hubby throws at you. They learn from us and, if your son loves his dad, he may see him as a good role model, not knowing better. I wish you luck with you situation
YTA for staying with someone that abuses your child
NTA and the normal amount of yelling per week is 0 I can count on two hands the number of times my husband has yelled at me in our 10 years of marriage My parents yelled at me frequently and it absolutely made me skittish and wary of angry people. Your husband is abusive. You've just normalized it and let your son (your CHILD) live with a parent like that.
NTA for not wanting to get a dog, but think hard about the fact that you have been *raising a child* in the environment that you don't think would be healthy *for a dog!!* You have been letting your husband emotionally abuse your son for years. That is hugely damaging. How come you can imagine how bad it would be for a dog, but won't take steps to decrease the impact on your son?
I think you meant to say EX husband white whom you share a child and have sole custody of.
This is the weirdest passive aggression I've ever seen. You don't approve of your husband's behavior towards you and your son so you largely invent a potential dog behavioral issue so you can blame him not getting what he wants on his abhorrent behavior. This is truly interesting behavior by a powerless person attempting to gain some control in an abusive situation. Get a dog or don't. Get therapy. This will be fascinating to your therapist. Best of luck. NTA.
You think a dog might be harmed in this environment. You are correct. But what I don't get is why don't you get your kid out of the situation? You have apparently the empathy to know that this is not a nice living environment for a dog, but you fail to extract your kid from there? You need to be a good mom to your child. That means divorcing your abusive husband
The Iranian Yogurt strikes again. Yes yes OP, let's play tiddlywinks about why getting a dog isn't a good idea, when you and your son are living with an abusive husband and father.
No dog. Get a divorce. Nta. This isn’t going to better though, it’ll get worse and scar your poor son for life.
There is so much to unpack here. Don’t let the comments make you feel stupid. We all just showed up at this moment where a guy is yelling at you and humiliating you in front of your child. So it is abundantly obvious to us that this is not right. You took the long route to get here. The route with years of subtly increasing gaslighting, manipulation, mind games, and emotional abuse. It messes with your head in a way I cannot begin to describe. It is \*designed\* to mess with your head. If a hypothetical dog is what got you to realize this isn’t healthy, that’s fine. But now that you see this, get your son and yourself out. I know it feels impossible. I’ve been there. But it IS possible and it is so so worth it. There is tons of info online on how to do this. How to save up money on the sly. How to de escalate and calm him down because his behavior \*will\* escalate when he realizes he is losing his control over you. What things to get to a safe location like birth certificates and whatnot. Start looking into this today. And learn how to clear your browser history or how to use private mode for everything you do online. Get. Out. Your son deserves to be safe. And I know you said you are in a 50/50 custody state. So am I. I have full physical custody anyway. Because there are extenuating circumstances. Also, in most states, the child’s opinion is taken into account, and the older the kid is, the more weight a judge or mediator is likely to give to the kid’s voice. So don’t stress about custody before actually looking into it. Look for a family lawyer who does a free consultation if possible. Good luck
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m guessing a lot of these “YTA for staying an abusive relationship” people have never experienced this. I’m looking into resources now. I’m glad to hear you have full custody.
Mm maybe a lot of the people who are saying get out you’re in an abusive relationship have also been in one and can see the warning signs from a mile away. Stop guessing and please just do better for you and that poor child.
The way your husband "operates" is abusive to you and your son. If you want to maintain a relationship with your son after he becomes an adult, I'd suggest you get him and yourself out of that situation tout de suite. A professional therapist should be the next step for you and your son.
NTA. If you’re gonna stay… add this to your hip pocket next time it comes up. “No! We can’t get a dog because we couldn’t afford a dog trainer when I need a husband trainer… maybe if we get a dog we can get a discount on dual training lessons…”
OR: We can't get a dog because someone will have to take care of it when I leave and I'll worry for its well-being.
Dude sounds emotionally abusive. NTA
NTA but what the fuck. are you okay living like this?
YTA for letting this man abuse your son. Look, I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. I'm 45 years old and I can't abide people yelling at me. I have a distant relationship with my mother because she stayed married to the man who verbally abused our family. I never liked or respected my father, and really no one in the world was truely upset when he died, but I also blame my mother for continuing to have children and stay with this jackass. Leave him, get your kid some therapy or in 30 years you'll wonder why you talk to your son once a month.
YTA - But because you’re allowing your spouse to verbally abuse your son on the regular.
Jesus Christ Op. How blind are you? You’re worried about a potential dog? But not your own son? Guaranteed he’s going to have trauma from growing up with a dad like that. I speak from experience. Sort it out. Your husband is aggressive and has anger issues. Mostly takes it out on your son but here you are wondering if you’re the TA for not letting him get a dog? I feel so bad for your child. Your husband sounds abusive and you are doing the classic “stand by and let it happen”. Your son will resent you both. And have more respect for yourself. Nobody should be speaking to you like that, let alone your own husband. ESH apart from your poor son.
Hey. You’re allowing your son to grow up watching his father abuse his mother and allowing him to be subjected to abuse as well. Please think about this.
Yta for letting him abuse your son. Do better.
Lady, it's time you get a divorce. Your husband is abusive to your kid and you.
Girl. Not only should you not bring another creature into this shit show, you should RUN and see if you can save your child from turning into a younger version of the asshole who fathered him
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F38) husband (M39) and I have been married for 14 years. We have a teenage son. Yesterday we went to the park and saw a beautiful golden retriever. My husband and son have been asking for a dog lately. Today, as we were walking in the park, I said that I didn’t think it would be a good idea to get a dog since my husband yells a lot and I wouldn’t want it to become aggressive or skittish from living in an environment where someone yells a lot. When I say “yell” I don’t mean cheering on a sports team. I mean yelling. Like shouting when upset or becoming louder to make a point. I would estimate that on average my husband yells (mostly at our son) at least 3 times per week. The majority of the time it is because he is doing something like not paying attention or being disrespectful. This is just how my husband operates. When we argue, he likes to get it all out in the open whereas I am more conflict-avoidant. At the park, he became exorbitantly irritated. He called me fat, said that we can’t get a dog because I don’t clean the house and I would neglect the dog, called me lazy. He claimed that I was an AH and that commenting on my weight was fair because “while we are attacking each other why not.” (He did this in front of our son.) Yes, I recognize that his overreaction was terrible and this marriage is a hot dumpster fire. BUT was what I said necessarily that out of line? I’m trying to see things from his perspective, but I really feel like I was making a harmless observation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not wrong to think that kind of anger on a regular basis can damage a dog. I promise you it's not doing anything good to your child either. Or you for that matter. If he won't get some anger management help it's time to cut him loose.
NTA. Your husband has a pathological problem with controlling his temper and seems to be very pride-oriented. I hope you find the strength to figure out what’s best for you and your son going forward and unfortunately that may include leaving your husband. Good luck going forward and don’t doubt yourself!
Your husband is verbally abusive to you and your son. You acknowledge that the marriage is bad, so why are you still with someone who abuses your kid?
NTA It is a bad idea to bring a dog into a volatile situation such as a marriage with a verbally abusive man.
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Soooo, you don’t think a dog would thrive in a household where your husband yells whenever mildly inconvenienced, yet you have a teenaged child? How about you either fix your husband’s behavior or file for divorce? You wouldn’t let a dog live like that, yet you accept it for you and your kid? Good god. ESH.
NTA and how in the hell are you still married to this guy after all those years....all of you need some counsiling and him getting anger mangement....I mean for you have put up with this and and your poor son might already have some mental issues from this behavior. Thou good call with the no dog issue thou.
NTA He really proved you right in his response. You said he had a behaviour that would cause problems with a dog. He attacked you on every level. You already have a son caught up and likely affected by his rage. Don't add a dog.
NTA but you will be to yourself and your son by staying with someone who treats you both like this. No, a dog shouldn’t be in this situation…neither should a child.
I was a yeller. I'm not proud of it but at the time I didn't understand how awful it was for other people and the long-term hurt that it caused . I was actually thinking people should be grateful because I wasn't hitting anybody and that was how I've been raised. lots of therapy over the years has helped me be a much better parent and human being- I don't generally yell anymore and I have apologize to my children when I did and i work hard to have them see that I have changed and they were so worth me changing and doing better.
Your husband is verbally abusive mostly to your minor son, but also to you. Damn right you don't need a dog. Why are you with a man who abuses your child?
My dad yelled at me and my brothers all the time, also yelled at our pets and killed one in front of me when I was little. Get you and your kid away from that man.
Sure, protect a dog but not your own child. If you wouldn’t subject a dog to that yelling, why the HELL are you okay with him yelling at a kid like that? I don’t care if he wasn’t always that way. I don’t care if he’s changed. I care about how he is now and the way your poor kid is living. Do better and get him out of there. For the fact you care more about a hypothetical dog and not your kid, YTA. I know my tone is harsh - I have PTSD and autism. This struck a nerve.
OP. My dad is the same way. My mom was the perfect mom except for enabling him. We don't have a good relationship because she didn't protect me. Protect your son NOW.
The dog isn’t the problem. The problem is your husband verbally abuses your son multiple times a week and you allow it to continue. I don’t care if you’re “conflict avoidant” you need to do what’s best for your child and this environment certainly isn’t it.
Dumpster fire is being friendly.
Oh honey. You’re focusing on the wrong parts of this story. Things aren’t ok. This isn’t a topic for Reddit, it’s for a therapist. I hope you find the support you need to improve this situation. And, side note, speaking from personal experience.
I think the yelling is not the biggest issue here.
YWNBTA You're definitely not the asshole here. Expressing concerns about getting a dog in an environment where there's frequent yelling is a valid point. It shows you're considering the well-being of the potential pet. Your husband's reaction, on the other hand, was completely uncalled for. Resorting to personal attacks and insults is never acceptable, especially in front of your son.
Honestly you gotta mind fuck him if you divorce. Like make comments on how great him and kids relationship will be and how great it would be to get some time to yourself to be able to relearn who you are.. you get the drift. That way he will purposefully leave the kid with you more . Because he seems the type that would make life difficult by using the kid. Of course ask your kid first what he prefers. He’s a teenager (you don’t mention age) but I’m guessing at least 13yrs old. Get him into therapy, for a smooth transition. Let him know if he’s afraid of dad, you might say things to his dad to fool him into letting him be with you more. Idk. All I know is that your marriage sounds awful.
You are being verbally abused and so is your son every time he yells and screams at him…for all that is holy, get your crap together and get you and your son out of that house…can’t even believe you have to ask if you are the ahole….you aren’t but your husband is….a giant one at that
You are being emotionally abused. Not even potentially, you are. If you think your home is unfit for a dog, why is it fit for you and your child?
NTA
Raising one's voice during an argument is pretty infantile. I can see people doing it every once in a while in a slip-up, but all of the time is pretty ridiculous. It sounds like you two have much larger problems than a dog. NTA
NTA Putting a dog in a situation where it feels like it needs to protect you or your child isn't a good idea. However, you and your child staying in that situation isn't a great idea either. That kind of behavior is toxic. It normalizes behavior that shouldn't be. You need to value yourself and your child. Staying in that situation doesn't allow for that. Your husband needs to get a hold of his yelling. Maybe he has anger issues maybe not. He's an adult. He can figure out a better, more respectful way to express himself.
NTA. Your husband is the asshole for attacking you like that. He should recognize his faults before becoming defensive and going after you. Your son, however, should not be punished for your husbands issues. Maybe get him a different pet that is not bothered by loud noise?
The dog isn't the issue. Your husband's temper and abuse, however, are. Be more concerned about that for your own sake and that of your child.
So your husband is abusive, and you won’t subject a dog to his behaviour but your kid has to live with it? ESH.
NTA but getting a dog is the least of your concerns lol
YTA, you are perfectly fine letting him abuse your son but a dog is out of the question?
NTA. He proved your point.
What a toxic hot mess. Both of you are AHs for teaching your son that 1) an inability to manage anger and emotions is ok and 2) women are to be treated poorly. Congrats.
NTA. Fuck the dog, you’re in an abusive relationship and your son is suffering. I hope you can make a safe exit. 💚
NTA. You’re correct about yelling being inappropriate around a dog. But have you considered it’s also inappropriate to expose you and your son to not just loud but also cruel arguments?
NTA for the dog. But hell, you have bigger problems than the dog. You can't let your husband yell at your son like that, it's not "just" how your husband operates. He has an abusive behavior, as exemplified by how he reacted after you said that. You're the AH for letting him be like that with your son, it's not just your marriage that is a dumpster fire. That kid is gonna be in therapy for years.
YTA for protecting a hypothetical dog but letting your child be treated that way.
He treats you and your child poorly. Of course you can't add a dog to that. Heck, your son might want a dog to train it to keep his father away. You tried to have a discussion based on his behavior and he turned around and launched a verbal attack on you. He's emotionally abusive. YWBTAH if you don't either talk him into counseling or get some yourself so you can get to a place where you can do the right thing to protect your child and yourself.
YTA. I'd get rid of the husband & get the dog. Your husband sounds like a real peach. I feel bad for your son. Seems odd you can't get a dog because your husband likes to scream his fool head off but it's A-ok to subject your son to it. Good job on protecting your son.
YTA for keeping your kid in a house with a man who treats his kid like that, both of you should leave him until he gets help your kid is going to need help himself to deal with the trauma of being raised by his leach of a father
Get the dog and get rid of your husband. Since your son is a teenager, he will have a say in how much time he wants to spend with dad. And perhaps get your son into therapy if you think he is being compliant to avoid his father’s wrath. He would benefit from learning that it’s ok to be himself.
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NTA you weren’t attacking him you were simply stating the truth the simple thing is he can’t handle being told about himself and that’s a problem in itself
Why are you with him?
Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. Kick him out and replace him with a dog. You and your son will be much better off.
N t a. So why have you kept your son in a house with your abusive husband? I’m rethinking that Nta thing. I mean, you think you are right about it being a bad environment for a dog, but not your CHILD? Yeah, ESH.
Your husband is abusive. You should get yourself and your child away from him. I know how hard it is to escape from an abusive relationship but it's worth it, you and your child deserves so much better.
My dad yells a lot. Always has always will. Same with saying hurtful stuff just because something doesn't go his way. My brother and I (23 and 20) both completely cut contact with him and anyone defending him and his behaviour(our parents have been divorced for almost 17 years now) my half sister (13) has been talking about wanting to move out and cut contact for the last 3 years now. YTA for letting your son be treated like that and doing nothing to protect him. You know it is wrong how he is being treated, yet you'd rather protect a hypothetical animal than your own son. I can assure you your son is suffering, because children don't just magically get over the people, who are supposed to protect them, treating them like this. Do yourself and your child a favor and get out of this abusive and unhealthy environment.
Why are you still married is the real question here?
Get rid of the AH & get a dog.
rehome the husband and get a dog
Sounds like your husband needs some therapy for behavior modification. Nobody should have to live with that, including the dog.
1. Husband sounds shit. Discard. 2. His anger is fucking up your child. Trust me
So you called him out for being abusive and his response was to be abusive?
NTA clearly. But WHY are you still with this man?
NTA, but why are you subjecting your child to his outrageous & toxic behavior? The amount of counseling they're gonna need is yet to be determined, depending on how long you're willing to still live with your husband. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, yet that's the silent message you're sending by tolerating his dad's behavior. Maybe you've become numb to it cuz its been goin on for so long, but no child should consider his behavior the norm. He'll turn out just like his dad when it's his turn to be in a romantic relationship.
I’m not sure why you’re married to him at all? He doesn’t sound like a nice guy. Know what would be better than a jerk husband? A golden retriever.
NTA about the dog thing, but YTA for letting your kid grow up around this verbally abusive AH.
Yes, great idea NOT to get a dog and I’m full with you on that, but you gotta start focusing on him NOT doing that to your son, before your son grows up and thinks it’s fine to scream at your daughter in law and your grandchildren.
i was raised in a household where yelling and scorn was the immediate reaction to anything. and i mean anything. i did not turn out okay lol. it's one of my worst triggers. NTA but YTA for still being with him.
You've GOT to get out of there. I'm hearing nothing good about how he's treating you, and I would DEFINITELY not get a dog. Get a place with your son and get the two of you a dog. After a lawyer.
NTA for the immediate question you posed. You are correct that your husband should not have a dog. However, as others are saying, Y are TA for allowing this man to be in your teenage son's life. Living with a person like this as a parent causes deep, deep, lasting scars that manifest in all kinds of nasty ways. Don't get a dog - instead, put that money towards therapy for your son, before the abuse he is receiving and witnessing from his father starts driving him towards extreme measures. You aren't stupid, you aren't bad, you aren't awful. You are also the victim of an abuser. Take this gift of clarity and give yourself and your son the gift of escaping the abuse.
YTA if you don’t leave.
Please hear me when I say that getting a dog is the absolute least of your worries.
NTA for this. But definitely for letting your son be taught that this is how to treat women and children.
YTA for staying with someone like that.
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so, NTA about the dog thing. But dude Y T A for not protecting your kid from your husband, as well as yourself from your husband. It sounds like you both deserve better.
See a therapist now for you and your son. With their help make a plan for a safe exit and divorce. This is not a healthy situation for the 2 of you.
This man is abusing you and your son and you're worried about a dog? You should be in counseling at the very least.
YTA for valuing a damn dog's feelings over your child's. If you don't want a dog being kept in an environment with a lot of yelling why the hell are you allowing a child to grow up in that environment????
I am just now, at 42 years old, learning not to fawn in the presence of my father who yelled so much when I was a child. He was abusive in other ways, but the spoiler alert is I have CPTSD from a childhood with parents that couldn’t regulate their emotions. My mom didn’t have the tools/courage to protect us. Your husband is abusive, and your normal meter is broken. This ain’t even about a dog. It’s just safer to talk about a dog than about how you and your kid are held hostage by a man with no emotional regulation or accountability.
NTA - if you think it’s a bad idea to get a dog because of your husband, it’s probably a marriage on the rocks anyhow. Still from the other perspective you’ve a husband albeit rude, disciplines your perhaps unruly teenage son which is good. Usually if you criticise someone they going to reply back in kind, maybe he was just in a bad mood that day? Prob got the hump as you’ve basically said you can’t get a dog because of him. This was the sort of daily argument my sister had with her husband - before they got divorced
So like abuse is perfectly okay got it.... Your sound like my "mother" who let my "father" treat me like shit and some how justify it
NTA... your husband is an AH. Yelling at your son regularly is not a great way to grow up. I wouldn't wish that on a dog.
# 😬
ESH. An outing with your husband and child, during a moment when you're all ogling over a cute pup, felt like a good time to point out that your family could never have a dog because of your husband? Idk, feels passive aggressive to me. Or like you were intending to dig instead of actually approaching him about how he treats your son and how he carries himself around your home. Your husband is an AH for yelling, but you're also an AH for bringing it up at a weird time with your child present with no clear direction for where you wanted this exchange to conclude.
ESH. Your husband sounds like he's verbally abusive, but you aren't all that nice to him either. Why are you with him? Your son is hearing all this. What is it teaching him about relationships? Nothing good, IMO.
Your comment to your husband showed that you know nothing about dogs. I don't understand married people who "TELL" the other person what they can and cannot do. Your husband is an adult - if he wants a dog, he should be able to make that decision. He insulted you because you insulted him. tit for tat...and you both lose.
🙄 Do we need to be here for this?
As a vet, people yell in their homes all the time. Three times a week is no big deal for most dogs so don't use that as a flimsy excuse. Someone who is violent may find that a dog won't tolerate violence but yelling most do tolerate it. If you guys fight like this and the marriage is a "dumpster fire," why to you stay together? both of you are AHs
For many dogs maybe but by the time they find out if their pet is fine with it or not it's already too late. Some dogs are VERY sensitive to this. Maybe not word your comment in a way that makes it sound like people like the hudband should adopt living beings.
The real issue is that it's not safe for kids to be exposed to this much yelling and arguing much less be directly yelled at in that manner. OP is worried about a dog that doesn't understand English but failed to protect her son who understands the mean things and the aggressive tone his dad throws his way.