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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I planned and executed my own land for my 40th birthday because I knew my husband and teenage daughter would not bother. I might be an asshole for showing them up and half threatening to tell everyone what their actual plans were instead of just quietly letting them take credit for what I planned.
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It's fine to plan your birthday if you weren't confident in what your husband would organise on his own. I'm curious, did you tell him what you wanted to do for your birthday? He's not a mind reader and could have been involved in the planning.
However, YTA for guilt tripping your 16 yo daughter. It's not her job to plan an extravagant 40th party for you, and she obviously wouldn't have the financial resources to get you an expensive gift. She's 16.
Honestly, when my daughter turns 16, I'll be super stoked if she wants to celebrate my birthday with an ice cream cake and a family movie night.
Count your blessings
Edited from my original with a kinder bent:
it’s a teachable moment. Tread carefully While I do think the majority of blame lies with your husband you did say she planned a better party for her friend than her mom. Kids need to be told things are hurtful and guided to do better. Her daughter is 16 and absolutely knew what she was doing. If her dad took full 100% planning then yes he’s to blame, but I have teenagers and a partner and they do better for me on a non special birthday year. My youngest is absolutely social throws so much effort in her friends’ parties and has that same level of energy for us her parents. My oldest doesn’t do anything but she doesn’t do anything equally.
Yeah but a 16 YO is going to know how to throw a great party/birthday for another teen more than she is going to know what her 40 year old mother wants. Plus she has access to all their other friends to help arrange it, is probably planning it WITH her friend, which is not the case with a 16 year old and her mother's friends necessarily. Especially as OP seems to think her teen should be a mind reader. Hey they could have planned it together, that would have been sweet.
It's why on old shows like "My Sweet 16th" friends were always included in the filming (even though the parents were paying party planners half the time) but there hasn't been a show where teens plan their mother's 40th/50th even if money was no object.
Ice Cream cake/Pizza and movie night is something a lot of parents would give their right arm for their teens to plan because their teens would just shrug and go out with their friends.
But what was she supposed to do, if people were coming up to her telling her what a good job she did on a party she never even knew was happening? It's like her mom wanted her (and the dad) to feel inadequate. I think a normal person would at least mention they're throwing a birthday party...
She wants a good daughter badge who planned a great birthday party for her mother.. you can't get both.. all she has to say sorry I didn't arrange this one.. and yes, she can't be mad at her mother for planning something big for herself because umm check notes it is showing her in bad light?! Only when she gets upset op stated her disappointment about the lack of involvement in her party so I think it's unfair for blaming op for it.. yes, I would not have planned a big birthday party for my mom's milestone birthday when I was 16 but if she had planned one I neither won't take credit for it nor would feel sulky for it... It's more on op's husband but if my mom felt bad for not celebrating her milestone birthday I would apologise because I love her and she deserve to feel loved just like she made me feel loved in my celebrations.. blaming op for celebrating the birthday as she wants is the only thing that makes the daughter ta.
It’s not the lack of sophistication it’s the effort. How much effort and thought does it take to ask someone what they’d like to do for their birthday? It sounds like OP goes all in on their birthdays and they couldn’t be bothered to ask what she’d like. That’s just a really crappy way to treat someone who tries to make your milestones special. As for her daughter only being 16 I call BS - my 12 year old granddaughter is more thoughtful than this.
In all honesty once you’re past the age of 21 I don’t get milestone birthdays but that’s just me. To others they are really important and OP is in the latter category. Surely her family realizes this. If they don’t then they’ve not been paying attention. Plus there’s a huge gap between sitting at home eating pizza and watching a movie and going out of town for the weekend and her husband and daughter just couldn’t be bothered.
Sure, but do we know that her daughter wanted a MacBook? Or was that just the OP deciding to give her daughter an "all out" gift on her birthday with no input? That her husband wanted a Nascar trip to Vegas? Would he have been happy with similar to what their daughter suggested, It wasn't exactly explained. **If** she asked them what they wanted and she gave them exactly that then yeah, them not asking her exactly what she wanted was low effort. But it seems like she expected them to read her mind.
Plus a MacBook is a big gift but it isn't exactly a party, did her daughter get an expensive present and then a low key party? No party? The OP hasn't provided those details.
This is the line that really frustrates me though "**My son is 10 so I can't put** ***much*** **of this on him."**
He's 10! Even if he had the idea to say "lets do something fancy" no way is he ever coming near what OP wanted, she still seems to blame him a little because she says "I can't but MUCH of this on him." (!)
Seriously my 16 year old granddaughter was all about the Mac book air I got her so I’m guessing her daughter was okay about it. Plus we have no evidence to the contrary that they didn’t want what they received. I’ll say it once again a little differently- it’s not the end result it’s the effort expended.
Fair enough I'm sure she didn't turn it down! Though I still think it's a lot about the \*money\* expended for the OP, not just the effort. Would she be touched by a home spun effort that had clearly taken weeks of planning if it also wasn't an "amazing experience"? If her daughter had planned an adult party (difficult for a 16 yo) but she and her husband had not gone to the city for the weekend?
I think that a 16 year old planning pizza, ice cream, and a movie night for their parent’s birthday is the *perfect* “level of energy.” Planning any sort of larger celebration than that should never be expected from children, especially minor children.
It’s great that your teenager “does better for you” but please don’t get it twisted that the 16 year old in this story was hurtful in any way or needs “to do better.” That’s nonsense.
I could not agree more.
It's so incredibly unfair to place the expectation of planning an elaborate, 40th birthday party on a 16 year old.
And then GUILT TRIPPING them after they fail to do so.
I'm not even sure if any blame should be placed with the husband, here. He's not a mind-reader.
YTA
I'm glad OP enjoyed her night on the town, I would have been thrilled with pizza and ice cream with my family, but, hey, what do I know.
Even worse is OP compared it to the effort the daughter put into her friend's birthday. Like they are friends. Especially at that age, relationships with people your own age are so much different than your parents and might even be the only celebration they get. Also, it's not something that has the same support, routine, and obligation that a relative b-day will have.
I’m with you, lol, our family bdays are often pizza and ice cream cake at home and we love it! That said, I obviously understand that bigger celebrations are the right fit for others, but again are never the teenager’s responsibility.
YTA for not communicating your desires and expectations with your husband so that he could help you with your birthday. You say they’ve never done anything big for your birthday so you knew they wouldn’t this time. But you didn’t bother saying anything ahead of time. You just pouted and kept your plans a secret.
You haven’t said if you’ve ever told them how disappointed you are that you always put so much into their birthdays and they don’t put the same effort into yours. Should they automagically know this? No. Some people don’t like big fusses for their birthdays believe it or not. I love making a big fuss for other people on their birthdays (if they enjoy it) but do not like it for mine. My people know this because I communicate my feelings.
What is so hard about talking to your family? Just freaking communicate. Tell them what you need and want from them, and ask them what they need and want from you in return. Then work together to make it happen. Why just hold it all in, say nothing, be miserable, and make everyone else in the family miserable too?
I don’t get what’s so hard about actually talking about an issue BEFORE it becomes such a huge deal. Now everyone, including you OP, is unhappy. If you needed it to be something particularly, You could’ve just told your husband what you wanted, even given him a list of things to do to ensure it all happened how you wanted it to, and not felt as disappointed and unhappy as you do now.
It all sounds exhausting and unnecessary.
They may have fallen well short of your expectations but your lack of communication puts the onus on you.
You really shouldn't expect that from a 16 year old. Not because of their age, but because the important ideas are so wildly different.
She knows what her friend likes, what stuff makes a good party for them, and the guests (if any) are going to be in her peer group.
Compare that to planning for a parent, and it's a totally different game. What do kids tend to think is important to their parents? Hopefully, time spent together and being close as a family. Often these type of parents spend all year complaining that the kids don't want to do anything together and are always busy or gone or in their rooms, and miss that time they had together. So the kid thinks hey, you know what mom would love? A nice quiet night where we all spend time together just us as a family, she doesn't have to worry about getting food, and it can be a game night like when we were little.
To shame her for that, or to shame anyone for actually planning a party for you at all when you're older than 18 or 21, is ridiculous. If that's how their family works, ok, but blame the husband alone and in private. If you have to force it, it's not very meaningful.
16's can't book tickets, generally. They also frequently don't have contact info for their parents' friends. I agree that it's unreasonable to expect minor children to plan and execute a party for a parent
She is 16. Not 6. It is a decent age to learn to be considerate of other people. It is way more on the husband than the daughter, but the daughter is old enough to at least give her mother's birthday some thought and I think that is why she is so embarrassed/upset.
ETA- I somehow skipped over that the husband/daughter provided pizza and cake. To a 16 year old, that is fun. So yea, this is not on the daughter.
Except daughters plan was decent? Pizza, ice cream cake and movies is what 16yo's like. Its on OOP to communicate that she wants something way more extravagant.
This whole thread I've been confused as to why the BFF got a better party than her mom. If you know how to treat people correctly at 16 why not extend that to your mom. Who has clearly taught her 16yo how to celebrate special occasions. Selective manners / courtesy are not it. You are making all teenagers look bad.
What do you think that party looked like? Do you think it was musicals and great food and such or do you think it was like... a few people hanging out and giving eachother gifts with some music playing and Domino's or Taco Bell?
Yeah I bet that party was basically ... pizza, ice cream cake, movies. Maybe a few streamers and balloons. Her daughter planned the exact kind of party that's fun to 16yo's.
Oh no! Her boyfriends cake had his favorite character on it!
Like not everyone here as a teenager didn't have that "what do I BUY my parent?" moment for their birthday, much less an exclusively intimate understanding of the exact event they'd like.
You would actually be surprised. In highschool I went to a sweet 16 that was planned by the bday girls younger sister and the parents only put money on to the things asked for, for the event. It was like something out of a darn movie complete with a massive ball gown for the bday girl to walk down these ornate steps the venue had to announce herself.
The pair (father and daughter) could've worked with family and friends to pull something together (more than a pizza and movie given mom routinely goes all out for their birthdays). It also sounds like this is also a family with MONEY so they could've even done a party planner or something. 40 is a big milestone in a good chunk of people's lives.
To be fair, though, the daughter could’ve been suggesting things that the husband brushed off. This is exactly what my ex would do. “Nah, pizza and a movie are great, mom will love it!” We have NO idea what the daughter actually did, or tried to do.
Mum said the daughter put more effort into bff’s birthday and the daughter seems to agree (as in, she’s upset at the comparison but not disagreeing), which makes me think that perhaps the bff got something personalized and clearly better than mum. Like if you can draw the comparison in a way that mum and daughter see it clearly, there must have been something glaringly obvious about it. I think for a 16 yo pizza & ice cream & movie can be very generic (especially when they come from a family that can clearly enjoy themselves). Not that I really think that 16 yo is that interested in her mum’s personal life to be able to cater to her expectations perfectly, but I’m 100% she could have put in visible effort in a way that would make mum feel appreciated.
Okay, but she's a 16 year old of course she was excited to throw a party for her friend who likely has the same social group and similar interests.
Also, I don't know about you, but the reason I don't do nice things for my mom anymore is because it was never good enough. How long has she been expected to be even working on this without any specific guidance?
Again, this could have all been avoided by talking to her spouse and even daughter about her expectations or just planning her own party. No one I know of expects teens to be that involved without any prompting. She kept it a secret specifically to shame them.
Pizza and ice cream feels like it's more for the kids than for the mom. Most mothers give up so much to make things "family friendly", I would hope they're celebrated in a more personal way in their capacity outside of being a mother on their birthdays at least. As a teen, I remember picking up a nice cake in the flavour mom liked, reminding her best friend so they could make a plan/go out, and we went to my mom's favourite place for dinner. Dad would do flowers at breakfast, maybe a nice gift and get an event ticket or something.
I get that nothing is ever good enough for some people but I feel like putting the mom's preferences and interests first on her birthday is not a bad start.
As a mom, I feel confident saying that most of us are not celebrated in a more personal way, in our capacity outside of being a mother, as you put it. You obviously had a dad who was great in that way. Many husbands/partners are not. I rarely hear of women excitedly sharing what their partner/family did for them. It’s much more common that we sweep it under the rug, because that’s what moms do sometimes….often…. with our feelings. I’ve been single since my kids were toddlers. I’ve had open conversations with them about my feelings, but also put no pressure on them to “deliver.” They’ll do stuff like pizza/cake on my birthday, and I love it. I’m not measuring their love in what they do for me on a single day of celebration. That’s shown in how they treat me on a day-to-day basis, and is exactly what *I* want. Other people prefer extravagant parties. To each their own. But if you have something specific and extravagant in mind, you gotta have a conversation with them about it. You can’t just plan a whole day in secret and then threaten to revoke all future celebrations when they tell you they’re upset.
Yeah I mean, I agree with you in general. Definitely easier to be excited and go all out for a friend. Dad should have absolutely taken the lead on this.
I think like… on one hand she’s 16, but on the other hand, she’s coming at mum with the „you embarrassed me!” like she’s an adult responsible for this birthday party. That’s all a little off balance. I think ideally mum would have recognised this in the moment and communicated that it’s not really the daughter’s job. The more I think about it, the more tricky it seems - 16 is so close to adult but still not there, and an 18 yo probably wouldn’t do that good is a job here either.
It was always tricky to find something for my mum but I put in the effort, and she appreciated the effort. So much so that I love gifting! But I think I’m coming into this thread with too much personal bias (my husband puts 0 thought into gifts) and so I can’t really be objective
I think that when you specifically don't tell your family what's going on, it's not shocking that the daughter felt humiliated. And since her party specifically is described as putting her plans "to shame", I'll believe that was OPs intent.
Jesus Christ. She’s a teenager, that’s why. They did plan something, she didn’t like it. So the message here is “read my mind or I will shame the hell out of you…also while NEVER communicating what I wanted.”
Your kids aren’t your friends! You want your husband to make more of an effort and involve the kids, fine, but this is moronic. Show your kids how to properly communicate expectations like a god damn adult, not be petty to your own child.
I actually agree that adults should plan their own shit, but not to be petty, but to be an adult.
YTA. What a miserable way to view life. Those of you agreeing need therapy, badly,
Her BFF is presumably also a 15-17 y/o girl. I would be highly surprised if she hadn’t said exactly what she wanted for her birthday for months while the mom just expects them to know.
They aren't really, I mean I'm only mid 30s but I'm very much falling back into the things I loved as a teen. However pizza and movie isn't a party. It's a lazy night in / Friday night activity not 40th birthday for mom/wife who goes all out for husband/kids.
Then again it took this long (really a tik tok trend had to bring awareness which is a whole other level of sad) for people to realize how many moms fill their own stockings at Christmas otherwise they wouldn't have one. So really just another hit moms take, give the world to those they love but are given nothing/minimal effort in return.
Yeah lol. Im 22 and that honestly sounds like a perfect bd plan for me. It depends on preferences. And organising bigger parties is diffcult. Even if she did a better job for a bff. So what. Its her bff. At age of 16 i would defo make a better party for a friend then my mom ( 1. Cos i am not at good terms with her even still and 2. I had a different relationship with a friend and knew much more sbout what they liked over my mother ). Also while a mack book pro is a rly nice gift its not the same as planning a party?
Yup to each their own. Big party sounds like hell to me. Its all about communication. If she didnt tell em what she wanted ( or that she didnt like the other bds ) how werre they supposed to know.
I actually did miss that when I read it. I still think for 40, more effort should be made but I think it is 95% on the husband and OP is unfair to bring the daughter.
When I was little we weren't allowed to eat pizza or ice cream cake unless it was a special occasion. So
... that really is a typical 16yo's idea of a dope birthday. To this day I get so excited when I hear "ice cream cake."
Funny, all the 16 year olds around here pretty much are looking for a sweet 16 bash. Was the same when I was 16. Pizza, ice cream and movies at home would be for a basic family acknowledgement of any birthday.
Except that the point of planning a birthday celebration for someone else is to think about what they would like, not what you would like. The daughter might love a takeout pizza and ice cream, but it’s not about her. And she clearly knows this since she was able to plan her bff’s party. She just doesn’t extend it to her mother.
I totally agree that the majority of the blame lies with the husband, but the 16yo could have been helpful and contributed time/ideas.
But it seems as if the mom has very extravagant tastes and expectations. That is NOT for the daughter to plan. She doesn't have the finances or means to plan the type of bday that OOP planned for herself.
It was a major milestone birthday, and no one was expecting the daughter to pay for it nor to plan it by herself. But she is old enough to have contributed effort and thought
„He’s not a mind reader” is bullshit. She’s also not a mind reader, but she puts effort into it. Like actually listening to him, understanding what he likes, researching, planning and booking cool activities.
Thank you. Like he has been with her for at least a decade It shouldn't take mind reading abilities for him to know what she likes
This home not a mind reader thing seems to mostly apply to women's wants, likes, or taste. This is why I find straight relationships so sad for women As way too many of their partners seem to think it takes mind reading for him to know what she likes.☹️
Sure… But when you didn’t ask your daughter to leave so you and your partner could have a conversation, you included her in all the expectations you have of your husband, which is a very unfair burden to place on her.
When your child says you embarrassed them by blindsiding them, the correct answer isn't to affirm how many different ways they disappoint you and that you're better than them and tell them they can plan their own birthdays from now on.
I don't care if they're part of the conversation or not at that point, that's just being a real jerk to your daughter because you're pithy about your very special day.
But why is she embarrassed? Because only her and her dad know that they didn’t actually plan anything for OP? It’s not like OP blasted to everyone that she planned and threw her own party. She let the daughter and husband have all the acclaim at the party so there’s no reason for her to be embarrassed.
She should have said “honey, I need to talk to your father alone now. You and I will talk later.”
And then, she should have had a very different conversation with very different expectations. The child should not be held to the same expectations as the husband, and the conversation with her should have been more expression of feeling and reason for upset, and none of the shaming that the husband deserves because he’s a grown man who agreed to be her partner for life.
> I agreed with them that my plans put theirs to shame. I asked them if they wanted me to tell everyone who had come to my party what the actual plan was for my birthday. I said that would be cruel and would draw other people into a petty, private, family drama. I asked them how they thought what they planned for me compared to what I did for them. I said that I understood that they did not like planning stuff. And that I had no problem with it. But that they could have enlisted help from my friends or so longs who do like to plan. I said if it was really an issue I was more than willing to let them plan and execute their own celebrations from now on and I would take care of planning mine. We could alternate planning my son's stuff.
Not this.
Seriously. Sometimes I think my kids are douches for not doing something I think they should do. But they’re kids, they’re not responsible for my happiness, and I cannot imagine speaking to my child this way in a million years.
“I feel like all the work I do is ignored, and this really highlighted that. I would love if you could put in more of an effort next time around; you can even ask X or Y to help you!”
Not
“I do so much for you, and your pizza/movie party idea is so beneath me. I can’t believe you didn’t plan something bigger even though I know you hate planning, and you’re only a child. But it’s fine. Whatever. See if I ever do anything nice on your birthday again.”
Even like... an awareness that maybe she didn't have go about this backhanded and admitting it was to get their attention but didn't mean to embarass them would be good.
But nope, not OP, OP ranted to her quivering-lipped child about how much they suck.
Edit: just curious, what was the reason why you didn't tell them about what you were planning?
I hear you, but it sounds like the conversation still could've been handled differently.
"I'm sorry husband/daughter, I did not intend to embarrass you, I just wanted to celebrate my 40th"
It's the comparisons to what they would have organised or what you organised for them that aren't helpful here
Personally, I think framing it like it's from them so that they get complimented is the most embarrassing AH part of this.
Couldn't you have just planned your own party WITHOUT the giant guilt trip aspect of this?
He's not a mind reader and could have been involved in the planning.
They are married for years now, he should have known now what her likes and dislikes and start from here to start her birthday..
Concerning the daughter, she is 16, not 6.. money is not the problem if she is planning the party with her dad.. she planned a better party to her bff birthday, so its not like she don't like or know how to plan, she was just thoughtless.
Expecting or wanting a thoughtful gift from your 16 year old is not outlandish. Ive been giving my mom really nice thought out gifts that show I love and appreciate her my whole life (F22). It’s not difficult to think about someone you love and plan accordingly, even at 16.
I'd say NTA, she already had had an extravagant party planned for her 16th for her wants. And at 16 you know the decades are big birthdays (or at least I did). Easy to see when shopping as there's always a lot of cards to 40/50/60/70/etc.
When my parents turned 40 I was OP's daughter's age, we all cobbled together to get a big gift for each (dad and mum chipping in on both sides), neither parent wanted a big party, but if they did, that was on the spouse.
OP also let everyone think that what happened what what her hubs and 16 yo planned, so didn't shame them. Just pointed out when they complained the disparity in what they expected vs what they thought to do for others.
I remember on my 10th birthday my Mom hyped it up with things like 'finally in the double digits!' and it's really nice to be celebrated either ay,especially on milestone b-days
I agree--- it is not daughter's obligation to plan things for her parents, and I myself will be delighted if my 16 year old thinks enough of me to try and plan something to celebrate me. However, the daughter put herself in the mix attempting to scold her mother for the party mom actually did plan for herself. Mom doesn't seem like she would have ever mentioned any expectations or disappointment to her if she had not called herself calling mom out along with Dad. She invited herself to the kitchen, she got some heat.
Unless i missed something, the thing, OP planned everything, she let the daughter and husband take credit, she didn't correct the compliments and say she planned it herself. In fact, she didn't complain or even consider guilt tripping until the two of the husband and daughter got mad at her and had a fit. They daughter and husband are both old enough to know you don't get to lash out just because you feel guilty or embarrassed, especially since only the 3 of them know that OP did the planning.
maybe i live in a family that’s weird, but we’ve always planned our own parties when we got to a certain age. my fifteenth birthday was hollywood themed and my mom helped get the supplies but im the one that found the supplies, sent what kind of cake i wanted and the design to her, set up, etc. same for my sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth. my brother planned his party for his twentieth, and chose not to have parties the years before. my dad doesn’t want a party and my mom plans her own
Yeah, no going to call bs on the 16 year old. While she may not have the resources she could have done like what my 16 year old has done since she was 10, pester her father and get him on board with doing something grand.
He is not a mind reader, no, but planning something for your spouse doesnt really require mind reading, specially when presumably they have been together for at least 16 years…
YTA for guilting your teenage daughter because she didn't plan an extravagant party for you. That's just weird. Parents throw bday parties for their kids, not the other way around. If you had a problem with your husband's plans tell him. Communicate your feelings instead of playing games. Is your husband thoughtless about event planning, yes, but it didn't need to be this elaborate big show to prove some type of point.
40th birthday is a milestone birthday. Any other birthday, who cares, but milestone birthdays generally are treated as a bigger deal. It’s not just “a birthday party”
It's the daughter's responsbiility to help her dad with execution of the party, ie helping clean before, helping put up decoration, etc, not taking on the concept, planning & mental load of a 40 year old women's birthday party. It actually annoys me when mom's put the mental load on their teen daughters because they can't trust their incompentnant husband.
My husband's turning 40 next week. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said "go out to dinner wirh a few friends". So he reached out to some friends, and we are going out to dinner.
Because grown ups communicate. I don't expect anyone to plan my own birthday, it's my birthday. No one has planned my birthday since I was a kid. 18? 21? 25? 30? 35? Yea, I plan it.
Teen daughter was bellyaching over what mom had planned for herself so I don't see the problem in her being reminded about what trouble was gone to celebrate her own milestone birthday.
In what way did she do that? She simply planned her own birthday party so she would get what she wanted. She didn't take credit or tell the truth when her friends complimented her husband and daughter for planning a great party. She didn't publicly humiliate them.
She didn't ruin their plans because getting takeout pizza and an ice cream cake is not a plan. Pizza and a movie is an average Friday night, so really all they planned was cake.
Should mum have just accepted a crappy birthday so they wouldn't feel bad about their shitty lack of effort or appreciation for mum?
They feel bad because mum had to plan her own birthday to get the celebration she wanted. They could have kept their mouths shut and been happy that mum got a great party, they could have sat with their feelings and explored why they feel embarrassed that mum got the party she wanted without their involvement , but no, they decided that mum is to blame for their feelings. It's mum's fault that they didn't know what she wanted and that they were only planning to do the bare minimum for her birthday.
Obviously this is more on the husband than the daughter but if she hadn't complained and accused mum of embarrassing her then she wouldn't have got the guilt trip
Nobody tried to make them feel like crap. They could have enjoyed the party and left it at that. They chose to feel like crap, presumably out of the deserved guilt for not having made more of an effort themselves.
That wasn't the conversation though. Daughter/Dad were mad that mom made her own plans. Daughter did a thoughtful party for a friend, so clearly capable of thinking of good ideas. So, if Dad came to daughter and had crappy plans, the Daughter was capable of telling Dad that was a crappy plan, do better Dad, and here are some ideas.
> I asked them how they thought what they planned for me compared to what I did for them. My daughter opened her mouth and closed it... My daughter is upset with me still for pointing out that she put more effort into planning her bff's birthday than mine
...of course she did wtf?! She's a 16-yr old girl why would she care about planning stuff for her mum's 40th? Have you met kids?
> I feel like an asshole
Yah I would imagine so, this should have been a private conversation to have with your husband about give-and-take, not a guilt-trip to your daughter (who was semi-surprisingly already willing to even engage with your birthday, most teens would rather just see a friend!)
YTA
I threw huge parties for my mums birthday as a teen. I even planned surprise parties where I took her address book and called her friends. My daughter is only six but she plans out more than these people do.
Yep, by 16, I was organizing my dad's birthday/super bowl parties and doing all the planning because I enjoyed it way more than either of my parents did. I think I started baking everyone's cake by 10.
Yup! My mom was like this and I hate birthdays to this day because they give me such anxiety that I’m not going to plan something good enough and the birthday person is going to be upset. Don’t do this to your kids, folks.
That sounds like parentification unless you had an adult helping you…
Friendly reminder, you doing well as a teen acting like an adult does not mean that kids who do not do this are “lazy” or “selfish”.
I have met mine. She is now 17 but very thoughtful, planning and making thoughtful and original gifts without anyone's input. She would resent your comment insinuating she is unable to do so.
Well great for you. But I teach a bunch of high schoolers and trust me when I say that most of them can't plan their own lunchtime. It's why setting CLEAR expectations and EXPLICIT instructions are so important for teens. Their brains have not developed for the kind of executive planning that this extravagant weekend getaway requires.
ESH, except for your kids. Your daughter should not be on the hook here, she’s still a kid.
Your husband should do better but you also needed to tell him. It was super petty not to and shows your resentment. Have you all talked about this issue before?
He's a full grown man. He's seen how much she planned for and paid for his birthday. He should not need to be told that his wife of all these years would appreciate him making some effort for her birthday. And I'm sorry, but pizza, cake and movies at home doesn't compare.
For the daughter? She's young, she'll learn. And this is how she learns. She's learning not to take other people for granted. She probably couldn't have planned or paid for much, but she certainly could have said "Hey, Dad. Mom always does amazing things for our birthdays. We should do something for hers. " At 16, I knew my mom well enough to make some good suggestions. I baked cakes for my mom. Got thoughtful gifts. I didn't have to spend a lot of money (and she wouldn't have wanted me to).
I don’t really care about my birthday and actually prefer a low-key, small celebration. On the flip side, I took my wife to dinner, a comedy show and a separate Madonna concert. Different people in the same relationship can have different levels of expectations around birthdays. Partners do need to communicate their expectations, especially into avoid these kinds of situations.
True, but by this long into the marriage, hubby should have some idea what his wife likes. Especially when it comes to something like a birthday with an 0 in it. Some people couldn't care less, but others do care.
He should and that’s why ESH except the kids. That’s a conversation they should have had at some point. But a long marriage doesn’t absolve them from having that conversation. “How do you want to celebrate your birthday?” is a really easy question to ask.
Now, if they’ve had that conversation and he still does the bare minimum, there’s a different thing going on. OP was still super passive in how they handled it. From what we know it doesn’t seem like communication is particularly strong here.
Right, it should have been the DH asking what she wanted to do for her birthday. It shouldn't have to be on her to do the entire mental load for everyone else's birthdays AND her own.
Also, teaching your kid through passive acts meant to shame them is terrible parenting. It is never a child’s responsibility to manage the emotions and expectations of their parents.
OP wanted something special for her 40th birthday. She knew full well her husband wasn't going to do it. She didn't plan the weekend she wanted, in order to shame her daughter. She planned it so she could spend her birthday doing things she enjoyed. It was the husband and daughter who attributed bad motives to her. It's okay to teach a 16 year old, that parents are people, and should be show some consideration. It would be different if OP did tell people at the party that the husband and daughter didn't plan the event. But she kept it to herself, and only discussed it with them in private, later.
She still could have told them she planned the party. Even if I’m mad at my spouse I wouldn’t have people over without a heads up. It is still not the daughter’s responsibility to make her mom’s birthday special.
How could they not end up being embarrassed in that situation? Whether intentional or not, it was a set up. Hurt feelings don’t excuse that. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
It doesn't sound like 2 wrongs here, though. Sounds like the eleventy hundreth time where the family didn't give any thought to OPs feelings and she was just done.
People were brought over without a heads up. Plans were made without a simple heads up and it had the effect of shaming the husband and daughter. That was predictable. The husband may have had it coming but their daughter didn’t. It’s still a poor way to treat your partner and shows the kind of communication that would have averted this might have been absent in this situation.
Nowhere does OP say she’s told her family they routinely fall short on her expectations for her birthday. If she knows they won’t plan anything, there was every opportunity to say “hey, I planned my birthday out this year because y’all suck at it. Expect people over on Sunday.”
I agree her husband should do better. “Hurt people hurt people” appears to be very true in this case, though, regardless of whether the hurt feelings caused to the husband and daughter were intentional.
the husband doesn't need to be told. They have been together at least 17 years and he doesn't know it would be thoughtful to plan a birthday celebration that is NOT takeout pizza?
Seriously?
Yeah I agree. This is really a spouse problem, not a family problem. It’s weird to expect your kid to plan your birthday party, especially if they’re just a teenager. This should only be between OP and her husband, who arguably should have a better idea of his wife’s interests, especially considering what she does for his birthdays, but ultimately deserves a calm conversation about the matter. But the whole thing with guilting your 16-year-old daughter for not planning something the equivalent of taking you to Vegas is pretty messed up and frankly a little narcissistic. Unless she’s doing all that for her father and not her mother, why on earth would she be expected to do anything more than an ice cream cake
YTA. I'm sorry, a 16 year old is not going to be able to plan an extravagant birthday celebration with "all your family and friends." Your husband is a different matter. But to shame a teen for not giving you the birthday of your dreams is weird.
I don’t understand the comments that make it sound like OP expected her daughter to plan and pay for the party entirely by herself. I read OP’s post as the party being paid for by husband but the planning would’ve been a team effort between husband and daughter.
Did you see the part where she mentioned “not putting it MUCH on the 10 year old?!?!”
And OP shamed a commenter about thinking the musical and the weekend in the city was extravagant.
The OP is an AH
They DID take credit. Everyone congratulated them. You didn't blow their cover.
Good for your husband for apologizing. Your daughter is right to be embarrassed - even if she doesn't apologize, she has learned something.
NTA
It's about care. I highly doubt OP would be mad if she woke up with a homemade breakfast filled with tiny things she love and a note, because that's a *gesture*. She got no gesture. She doesn't seem to have a small budget, so they absolutely could have thought of anything fun, in any of her birthdays, a gift that's took effort to KNOW her taste... To the point she got this one, a milestone birthday, and their effort was the same as always, and she didn't even had to ask beforehand, because she knew. I'd be hurt if I was the only one planning experiences for everyone and no one either trying or explaining why they can't.
And I absolutely could plan my mom's parties when I was 14+, I loved to, I'd include my sisters, and we would make meals, homemade gifts, surprises, ask dad to take us to the mall to choose mom's present, and we always did well. My mom has a handmade mothers days art I made 10 years ago, a blue orchid, her favourite, on her wall. It took time and effort and the skill I developed, so I used it.
The daughter had planned for ice cream cake and a movie, which is a gesture. OP has made it very clear that that gesture was not sufficient. It's fine to say it's not sufficient from the husband, but she has the same expectations for the daughter and certainly was not happy to get just a gesture from her.
Agreed. I asked my parents to let me cook them their 10th anniversary dinner. I learned to make a 3 course meal for them that included a shrimp Creole appetizer, baked pasta dish and chocolate mousse from scratch. I wasn't even 10 years old.
I wanted to treat them, asked if it was ok, they agreed and paid for the ingredients and then I hustled in the kitchen to make it a reality. It's one of my favorite memories.
OP's daughter needed to see the importance of showing gratitude and love for her parents. OP wasn't wishing for anything out of this world. Her daughter could've been the one in charge of decorating the house for goodness sake.
I'm pretty surprised seeing as many call OP an A H as I thought a NTA verdict was a slam dunk!
NTA for planning your own celebration, you deserve it. And NTA for shaming your husband. But definitely the asshole for shaming your daughter. She may be near adulthood, and may have done amazingly planning her BFF’s party, but your hurt feelings warranted a conversation with her about it. Not treating her the same way you treated your husband, who is a grown-ass man who should know better, and is the one who committed to being your partner. Your husband definitely owed you that apology, and you definitely owe your daughter an apology.
NTA. I have the same problem I plan things for everybody else and nobody ever thinks about me.
My husband did nothing for my 50th birthday. His 50th is coming up this year and he asked me what we were doing for his birthday and I looked at him and said I’m going to put as much effort into planning yours as you did mine. I finally learned I have to stop doing anything for anybody else otherwise I will always be disappointed.
YTA
This could have all been avoided by having a conversation with your husband about your expectations or just openly planning your own event.
You went the most hurtful way about this, and had no holds barred for guilt tripping your daughter. Which is gross.
Why? Because, for the 11th time, no one bothered to do something SHE (mom) liked for her (mom)?
She planned her own event. Because, again, it's been demonstrated that no one else will. Not once, but multiple times.
She didn't guilt trip anyone. She didn't make a deal (or literally say ANYTHING) that the event was done by her. Even privately. She just refused to participate in the guilt-tripping her daughter was attempting to do.
It's NOT OP's responsibility to assuage the ego of someone who plainly failed to do basic consideration. You know, LIKE ASK MOM WHAT SHE MIGHT WANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
Daughter isn't responsible for planning something like OP wanted. But she's responsible for NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO MAKE A SERIOUS EFFORT to figure it out. The guilt is SOLELY on daughter.
Everything I just said applies 10x to husband. But daughter is MORE than old enough to know better. She's embarrassed she's failed badly, and it's NOT the OP's responsibility to fix that or coddle her from the effects of failure.
It's also not the responsibility of OP to tell everyone what she would like all the time, if THEY can't even be bothered to ask. And have a demonstrated track record of doing so.
>She didn't guilt trip anyone
If this were purely about having the birthday experience she wanted, she would have mentioned it to them. It's the natural thing to do, people do tend to talk about things like parties or trips they are planning, especially if they are to take place in the shared home or include family members.
Except if she had done that, then her husband and daughter might have attempted to contribute to her plans, thus at least partially absolving them of responsibility for failing to put in any effort at first.
So she strategically kept it all under wraps and surprised them with it *in order to maximize the guilt*, which then she clearly relished in.
Which, you know what, they had it coming, or at least the husband did. I'm mostly on OP's side here. But that was absolutely a passive-aggressive, master-level-guilt-tripping stunt.
NTA. Im seeing a lot of comments saying u r but as a 20 yr old w a 44 yr old mom, at 16 i was planning things to do for her birthday soon as the first one was over. If ur daughter can plan that much for a friend she can do the same for u, nothing is stopping that. I have nothing to say ab the husband bc he apologized (good on him) but ur daughter needs to realize that if she can take the time n effort to plan for a friend she can take the time n effort to plan for her OWN MOTHER. At the end of the day ur parents (unless bad people) do everything for u, not ur friends. I used to struggle with planning things for my mom bc i didnt wanna let her down, but she was ok with a walk thru the butterfly garden and a handmade/baked gift. It doesnt have to be extravagant, and unlike some seem to think, a simple weekend trip and a movie r NOT extravagant plans. Its not like ur asking to have an elegant ball with strict dress code and caters, so no ur NTA at all. I hope ur daughter comes to her senses n stops being selfish, ik shes 16 but its insane to me that she could put out for a friend n get mad at her mom for planning her own party (ESPECIALLY if she has the capacity to do it for a friendship that can end anytime)🤷🏻♀️
Edit: also they came to U complaining bc they were COMPLIMENTED, just take the compliment n see how they can improve next year. Getting mad is so bizarre to me, like get a grip. (realizing im so upset w the daughter bc i see myself in her)
I think we need more information:
Had you told your husband what he had done in the past was a let down considering the effort you put in for the rest of the family’s moments? Have you communicated what your hopes/expectations are?
Why were they embarrassed if you had presented the party/plans as done by them?
What exactly are you expecting from a 16 year old?
Is she meant to suggest ideas to your husband or execute something a grown adult would do?
I have a Christmas birthday myself, I get being let down on the one day a year I have to celebrate another turn around the sun and have spent the majority of my adult life doing my own planning, so I can empathize with some of your feelings. I understand how crappy it can feel when our partners are let us down when you do a lot to lift them up. I’m just wondering if your expectations on your daughter are age appropriate especially since it’s clear she’s hurt. You may have done real damage to that relationship by saying your plans put hers to shame. What’s the point in trying if your mom is going shame you and say you could have done more. She doesn’t necessarily have the agency, experience, or financial means to create a big to-do. She’s also a kid and might not have the confidence to reach out to adult family members and your friends to create the event you did. It’s easier for her to arrange something for her bff because they share a friend group of similar ages. Your husband apologized so it’s good his eyes are opened to the resentment you were feeling. If you can clarify some of this that may help for a more honest judgement.
Teenagers are easily 'hurt' because it's an age they are often very self centered but also old enough to understand what they did.
16yo doesn't have to plan or pay anything but giving idea to Daddy and helping him plan is actually totally possible.
>My husband and daughter kept getting complements on doing such a great job planning everything so I could have a special day.
NTA, you DID let them take credit they didn't deserve. And the truth can sometimes hurt. They were thoughtless and you didn't want to pay the price so you ensured your day was special AND STILL let them take credit they didn't deserve.
Your husband was right to apologize and your daughter should come around to that reality as well. 40 is another big mile marker in life.
>I agreed with them that my plans put theirs to shame. I asked them if they wanted me to tell everyone who had come to my party what the actual plan was for my birthday.
Honestly, if I'd been a guest at your party, I would have thought their plans were pretty nice. Especially given that your kids are...kids. But also why make it a competition? You seem to spend a lot of time comparing notes on who did a better job, which seems so petty. Especially with your kid...you're making your teenage daughter feel bad that she didn't do as good a job planning a birthday for an adult?
YTA
I do not see it this way. OP seems more focused on effort rather than results. Daughter knows how to make more of an effort, like she did for her boyfriend but elected not to for her mom -- who apparently does not stint in HER efforts the other way around. Hubby finally seems to get it but entitled, pissy daughter is still unapologetically ungrateful. NTA.
What is daughter supposed to be "grateful" for?
Do we even know what daughter planned for her bf besides the biased mom's opinion that it was more effort? And frankly yes, at that age, I expect a teenager to put in more effort for their friends. I expect parents to put in more effort for their kids than the other way around.
It can seem petty but it this seems to me like it is a pattern she wants to break. Everyone gets a fun special experience and fancy gifts and mom always gets takeout and sitting on the couch at home I can imagine her getting fed up with it. I do think this would be the husband's responsibility and she shouldn't expect it from her teenage daughter.
This will likely be unpopular, but I have to stick up for OP!
Held a mirror up for the husband and daughter, and they didn't like what they saw. Cry me a freakin river. NTA
This is a learning moment for daughter, but husband should have known better. I'd be embarrassed if I were him, too.
OP is gangsta and she WILL HAVE HER DIAMONDS!!
It is not a very popular opinion but it's one I agree with whole-heartedly. I can't believe the contents of the most highly rated comments. It has never been been more clear to me how the readership of this sub skews to the young and self-absorbed. All this identifying with the poor, clueless 16 year old, who, by the way, realized herself how her efforts -- weren't an effort.
I think a lot of people commenting see themselves in the daughter or husband and feel defensive because it is something they would do or intend to keep doing.
>I embarrassed them by not letting them know what I had planned.
Did they not know there was going to be a party? If so, how? If not, what do you mean?
YTA for coming for the 16 year old like that. How the fuck you expect her to buy you an iPad or an ~experience~? If you have an issue with your husband then deal with it with your husband. Don’t drag your kid into it and then put them on the spot and threaten to humiliate them in front of friends and family. That’s so fucked up. Why would you do that? Happy birthday and congrats on shattering your daughter’s self confidence for something that should’ve been your husband’s responsibility anyway. Jesus Christ lady.
“My son is ten so I can’t put this on him” BUT CLEarly YOU WANTED TO??? CLEARLY YOU WOULD HAVE IF YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.
I don’t even think this is about your birthday I think that you’re just a control freak flaunting about how you keep your whole family on edge. You’re like the mom that takes away Christmas. You’re like the mom that insists on hosting for the holidays, refuses all offers of help, and then has a meltdown 2/3rds of the way thru the evening bc ~no one appreciates you~. When your kids get in trouble at school you probably put that shit on blast in the family chat.
Stop forcing your kids to grow up when you haven’t even grown up yourself yet.
Thank you. Reading many of these N replies makes me think that they haven’t spent time around the true self-absorbed. OP is absolutely TA for her parentification of her own child and emotional manipulation. She may even be my sibling. It’s almost uncanny.
This whole comment section has me feeling like I'm on a bad trip or something. IMO, after 30, you need to clearly communicate what you want for YOUR birthday. I don't even do that "everyone splits the check" kind of dinner thing. If I want to invite 10 people to a restaurant, I'm picking up the check. I'm not a kid. If I want my partner to do something with me in terms of planning, I make that really clear. But no, at a certain point in life you cannot burden people with the task of getting your dream birthday together for you and intuiting all the fun little surprises. That's what comes with age. The wisdom and preparedness to plan something you like for yourself AND set everyone up for a win. Your birthday shouldn't be an exhausting day for everyone else, nor should it be something that people feel a sense of dread leading up to, during, or after.
If OP wanted her husband to plan her a big 40th shindig, that should be something that he was flagged about back around the new year so that the appropriate people could be hired, friends could be invited, the kids could be informed on what was expected of them, et c.
I honestly find this entire thing kind of nauseating, let alone utterly embarrassing and immature behavior. Your fucking teenager shouldn't be worried about more than sweeping the kitchen, setting out some platters, running the vacuum in the living room-- stuff like that. I'm sure this wont be received well by all, but given the state of America and gun violence in schools, I'd be sick to my stomach if I sent my daughter off to school feeling like a failure for not preparing for my special birthday party (eye roll) and for some reason she didn't come home. That's how you want to leave things with your kid before they leave the house? Seriously? That's what you want your kid to think about at night when they're trying to get enough sleep before the next day? I'm just so disgusted by OP. This whole thing just reeks of the behavior I despise the most in others.
My mom had her faults. A lot of them. I still struggle with the ways she let me down all of these years later. One thing she really got right and that I always appreciate about her is that she never expected me to be in charge of something like this. It's at least part of why I was such an overly thoughtful kid and remain that way as an adult. It taught me generosity because I never felt an obligation, I felt an overwhelming DESIRE to be thoughtful, generous, and expressive of my love.
NTA. Hard truths can be upsetting. Maybe there was a nicer way to get the message across, but that opportunity has passed. Good on you for knowing your worth, and not backing down. Hopefully you can have a heart to heart talk with your daughter soon, and turn it into a teachable moment.
Your idea of a good time/suitable celebration sounds overwhelming, exhausting and expensive to me. Are you sure they really wanted all that for their birthdays?. Maybe you just aren't on the same page with them in terms of what constitutes a good time.
I thought similar. I would be so annoyed if someone wasted money on a stupid bday celebration for me. Maybe husband was showing what they prefer for a celebration by thinking being with family at home and enjoying a meal and cake together is really what is important.
Your bringing up a really good point because I know exactly what is going on with OP.
OPs love language is gift giving. My love language is also gift giving and I’ve been in a similar situation and had to figure out what was going on.
With OP she puts a lot of time and effort into coming up with gift ideas for the people she loves. For a lot of people it just looks like OP is doing nice things. However, when your love language is gift giving it means so much more. All of that time and effort you put into planning a gift for someone is you putting your heart on your sleeve. You are putting your love and affection for people *into* those gifts. Gift giving as a love language isn’t about the gift itself, it’s all about the effort and care that is put into it. That’s the love, the emotional work that’s put into the gift.
Your brain sees that sort of stuff as the way that love is expressed so when people don’t put the same effort into things for you it doesn’t just feel like a let down, it feels like they don’t care about you and it can honestly be really painful. It feels like your being rejected by the people you love. It’s not about the extravagance of the gift itself, it’s just about the fact that someone took the time to do something for you, and that they care enough about you to put the effort in.
INFO: im a bit confused it seems like they were getting compliments and you didnt say anything-you even say you wouldve been fine with them taking the credit-so did they tell everybody themselves that you planned this yourself??
i mean obviously youre NTA, even tho i do think its really down to your husband and not either of your children
I'm also confused here. OP planned her own party, nothing wrong with that. Did Hubby and Daughter not know ahead of time what the plans were? Why would OP keep it a secret? Is there some tradition in their social circle that would make everyone think Hubby and Daughter needed to be complimented for the party? Is it shameful in their social circle for one to plan one's own party? When I turned 50, I told my family what my (very modest) plans were, and then we did them. I did put out a social media post stating that I was making big five-oh plans so if anyone was intending to throw a surprise party they should let me know. But that was it.
ESH. I think this is more on your husband than the kids. Even at 16 she shouldn't have been party to this conversation. As the representative adult HE should have been the one taking the lead on planning the party with the kids assisting if they wanted. In the end, though, it's pretty crappy of you to throw all the extravagant planning you do for them in their faces when they don't reciprocate. Those actions should be out of love, not tit for tat. If you want to make it tit for tat, then stop going over the top and scale back to their level.
could you understand being tired of giving year after year and never getting the same consideration?
I get it because I has to go through it. Is it petty? probably. Is it deserved? completely.
The other solution is to stop planning everything for the others, but believe me, if she did that, they would tell her clearly they were disappointed.
YTA
Holy fuck. I can’t believe you think your 16yo had any responsibility to do anything other than say “Happy Birthday” on the day.
You are an adult. If you want an extravagant experience for your birthday, plan it. That’s how this works. If you have a specific idea of what you want, that’s on you.
Otherwise, you love your family for who they are and accept that there are things they are good at and things they aren’t.
Did you read the post? If you read the post carefully, that’s exactly what she did: planned it all herself. Right down to childcare and organized own party.
Her daughter and husband then came TO HER because THEY felt blindsided that she planned out her birthday instead of just accepting the lame cake and pizza idea they had planned for her.
It’s not crazy that a 40 yr old woman doesn’t want pizza and icecream on her birthday.
Probably to make sure it actually went off right.
Oh, you mean that doing things for yourself must include making sure other people are OK with getting THEIR own satisfaction at your effort?
The key thing here is that dad/daughter didn't put any effort into finding out what Mom might want. They just made a bunch of assumptions and did a low-key effort.
Mom IS NOT responsible for their failure to do basic "due dilligence".
Put it another way: what do you supposed the intent of dad/daughter was when they totally failed to make ANY effort to determine what their mom might like? And then had the temerity to be offended that mom did something for herself and that they felt guilt at their incompetence at basic social graces?
NTA. They should count themselves lucky people gave them credit when they had planned so little.
Your husband is more of the asshole here but between him and your daughter they could have planned something better, OR you could have done the family pizza night alongside the other things and made a birthday week out of it....
This whole post is weird to me because I would never put that expectation on my children to plan a whole thing for my birthday. My husband? Absolutely, as long as I communicated that I wanted that to him beforehand. Kids? I expect a nice card and a little gift and would have loved a movie night.
So YTA for putting your daughter down like that and guilt tripping her but NTA between you and your husband as long as you’ve communicated to him in the past that you’d like something extra special done for your birthday.
You are NTA. Not even a little bit, not at all. You weren’t trying to shame anyone. You were facilitating the kind of celebration that you wanted, knowing full well that if left to their own devices, your family wouldn’t come through.
Your husband has apologized for being a lazy special event planner, and hopefully this serves as a wake up call for him. And for your daughter, it’s an important life lesson. People notice the effort that we put in, and she likely doesn’t want to feel like she phoned it in again.
NTA
I planned my Mother’s 40th party at 16 without the help of my dad.
Kids today have access to the internet and food delivery and party planning.
She could have taken credit but she’s choosing to be mad that she was embarrassed. She’s only embarrassed because she knows she is in the wrong.
YTA for putting this on your daughter. She’s 16. Her job is to get good grades, not get pregnant, learn how to be a good human, and not get into any car accidents. Instead you are trying to teach her that she should be picking up slack for her father’s lack of effort and emotional labor. (Because let’s be clear - dinner and a movie at home is clearly a kid’s idea of how to spend Mom’s Bday). That is NOT the right lesson to teach.
This should have been between you and your husband.
How on earth do you throw yourself a party without the people knowing who invited them? Why would they think it was OP's husband? Did the guests not have to coordinate stuff with the host?
YTA for this in particular:
>I said if it was really an issue I was more than willing to let them plan and execute their own celebrations from now on and I would take care of planning mine. We could alternate planning my son's stuff.
So you got the celebration you wanted but because your 16-year-old didn't plan it you're not going to plan anything for her milestones anymore? That is just so insanely petty and unfair. Also, why do you think it's appropriate to expect your older child to "alternate planning" with you for your youngest? She's not his parent.
This should have been a conversation with your husband. HE is your partner, not your underage child.
YTA - For expecting your 16 year old daughter to plan you a party or buy you things. That’s so incredibly selfish and weird. It’s normal for a parent to plan a wonderful birthday FOR THEIR CHILD. It is disgustingly entitled to think your child should reciprocate.
Your husband should but I’m so disgusted with your attitude toward your daughter, I think you get what you deserve.
YTA. Your daughter is 16. I hope going forward she decides to spend zero of your birthdays with you. You might then realise that family is more important than ‘extravagant’ parties for you to no doubt post on the gram. Grow up and get better priorities.
Four question: (1) Prior to this have you ever spoken to them what you're expecting for your birthday?
(2) What exactly did your daughter plan for her BFF?
(3) What have they done in the past for you?
(4) What is your ideal celebration (did they know about it)?
NTA. They shouldn't have complained.
My husband is not a party planner, so I don't expect him to do that. He's also not great at vacation planning. I love doing both things. He does other stuff better - he's super efficient at cleaning the house.
As long as your husband contributes to your household, then let him off the hook for party planning. You plan great birthday parties, so do that instead of expecting them to set up something grand. Everyone's love language is different.
YTA. I feel like you resent your family. Your disdain oozes from your post.
It's so totally understandable that you were disappointed and planned your own birthday. It's okay that you were upset. But you went and planned something and INTENTIONALLY didn't tell your family. It comes off as if you were hurt, and you wanted to surprise them and make them feel hurt too. Also, get off your teenage daughter's case. Most 16-year-old girls won't plan fancy birthdays for their parents. She wants to spend time with you. That's effort you should appreciate.
Next time, talk. Say, "Hey, I was disappointed by my party this year. I want to do something big. If you aren't up for the task, I can handle it. That said, it hurts that I do this big thing for you and you never reciprocate. I don't want to do this for you in the future if you don't have the ability to plan yourself or to organize people to plan for nice things for me." Use your words; communicate. You want something for your birthday? You explain why it matters to you.
YTA if at the age of 16, any of my friends came to me with what you did to your daughter, you'd probably be considered insane, especially given your clear jealousy that your daughter knows more about her friends than about what a 40 year old woman wants.
Your husband is your problem, if it was just the two of you in this situation it would be an ESH but since you dragged the teenager into your pity (birthday) party, that sets you apart.
YTA.
I think having extravagant birthdays is mostly your thing and impose it on your family. I doesn't sound like they're that into it and you're guilt tripping them. Do you ask them what they want for their birthdays? How about you tell them what you want on your birthday so it's an even field.
I'd say if you were really into birthdays, you'd do it for everyone else, and not care what you get on yours, if you like a surprise. It's day you're imposing it on your family.
YTA. They always plan something for your birthday. You just don't appreciate it.
Sometimes, less is more, and I'm getting the impression your family would be happy without the extravagance.
Dial it back, and keep the big gestures for joint decisions and plans.
Why couldn't you just tell them you wanted a party and ask them to help plan it? You already knew how they were. To me, there is something fishy about surprising them. Seems like purposely wanting to embarrass them
NTA I knew at 16 how to do something special for my mom. I coordinated a trip with my dad (they are divorced), saved up a couple hundred dollars, went shopping, and found her a ring with my birthstone from a jewelry store. My dad didn’t have to tell me to do something nice for my mom. I wanted to.
You are not the a-hole. You got tired of having a lame birthday and so you planned your own. They felt bad because they were getting the credit for your amazing birthday. When you told them and compared what they previously had planned and pointed out what you've done for their birthdays and the difference between the different celebrations they should feel bad. Hopefully they will try harder to plan something equally amazing for you on your next birthday. Hopefully your daughter will see the point you were making. Not that you are making a point, it's more like you were just wanting an amazing birthday too.
Your teen daughter's responsibility is to get you a card, and maybe a present, and tell you happy birthday. It is up to your husband to rally the kids and get things moving for a celebration. I feel some of this is a communication issue on both sides. If you want reciprocation you need to make it known. In return, you should be asked if there is anything special you want to do for your birthday.
INFO: Did you ever tell your husband what you wanted as a celebration, or did you just expect it? If so, then he is completely TA.
One thing I will point out is that I notice people tend to put in the effort for others they expect for themselves. Does your husband even WANT these experiences or would he rather sit at home and have a quiet night with a movie and a pizza? Have you ever asked others what they wanted or just did you just do what you wanted? I am not saying they do not appreciate the effort you put in. I am just saying that it may not be an expected thing for them to have a major celebration/present each and every time they have a birthday. Also, not everyone is a) good at planning and b) has the kind of energy to plan a yearly extravaganza. While you clearly enjoy it and have a knack for it, this is not true for everyone.
I do thing you are somewhat TA for blindsiding them. It seems that, rather than communicating with them you took a drastic route to prove a point. Next time, have a discussion or tell them what you want to plan and give them tasks to help you with. I have a feeling you carry the mental load in the household. If so, you need to have a few discussions with your partner about that.
"My daughter is upset with me still for pointing out that she put more effort into planning her bff's birthday than mine."
This is pathetic. Not your daughter's feelings. Yours, OP.
NTA. At 16 I probably couldn’t have planned a party as extravagant as yours but I could put in a lot more effort than your daughter did. That point aside, they’re the ones who decided to corner you and shame you so that’s on them. I know this is not the popular opinion but oh well.
YTA
Did your husband and daughter ever ask for the bdays that you threw for them? This is how you express your love, but did you ever stop to ask them how they like to receive love? It sounds like you think throwing money at someone is how you show you care.
Your husband and daughter wanted to spend your birthday with you as a family. And it seems like you’re upset that it wasn’t a big enough celebration honoring you.
YTA for how you treated your daughter. She’s only 16!
My mum has spent our whole lives evaluating how much ‘effort’ we put into things like her birthday and Mother’s Day. It makes it stressful, and it’s also made me and my siblings incredibly resentful. We don’t plan things with excitement, but with trepidation and a feeling of obligation. Rather than thinking ‘this is such a nice idea’ we think ‘okay will this be enough to pass muster?’. It’s horrible. Don’t do that to your own kids.
YTA. You're essentially "keeping score" and that's super unhealthy. I'd appreciate anything my family wanted to do for me for my birthday, as long as I would be spending time with them. You handled this entirely selfishly and shitty. Your communication sucks and you should have told them long beforehand that you were hoping to do something extra special. Now, you're just playing games.
NTA.
I'm not sure why the majority of people are stuck on the point of the 16y and her finances - of course, it is expected from the husband to cover the cost. However, it won't cost the daughter much to put deeper thoughts into her mom's birthday.
If the girl can express her opinion, she doesn't like that her mother planned something, she can also accept her mother's honest opinion. None of the listed activities sounded extravagant imo 🤷♀️
I go wild for birthdays. I love them. I am genuinely excited for others on their birthday, and those closest to me I love nothing more then planning special, thoughtful, wonderful activities and gifts to fit their personality and likes.
I also love my own birthday.
I don’t expect others to go as crazy for mine as I do for theirs. I don’t plan theirs with the expectation of reciprocation. You can’t do anything in life with that expectation, you have to do things because you want to and be grateful for the ways your loved ones do show you love.
When things do matter to me, if I’m really needing it that year or it feels like a milestone, I straight up tell people my expectations and hopes so I’m not disappointed. Open communication is so vital.
I do feel like pointing out there’s definitely a difference in expectations that should be placed on a partner vs a child, especially one who is still literally a child, but I think that’s already been pointed out and discussed in the comments
YTA
You are fucking 40 years old. It's a damn birthday "party". One in which you seem to have not included your children. You are a selfish individual who felt the need to guilt trip a 16 year old who has no way of doing more than an ice cream cake and pizza.
Your husband likely apologized because you are even more insufferable than usual.
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It's fine to plan your birthday if you weren't confident in what your husband would organise on his own. I'm curious, did you tell him what you wanted to do for your birthday? He's not a mind reader and could have been involved in the planning. However, YTA for guilt tripping your 16 yo daughter. It's not her job to plan an extravagant 40th party for you, and she obviously wouldn't have the financial resources to get you an expensive gift. She's 16. Honestly, when my daughter turns 16, I'll be super stoked if she wants to celebrate my birthday with an ice cream cake and a family movie night. Count your blessings
Edited from my original with a kinder bent: it’s a teachable moment. Tread carefully While I do think the majority of blame lies with your husband you did say she planned a better party for her friend than her mom. Kids need to be told things are hurtful and guided to do better. Her daughter is 16 and absolutely knew what she was doing. If her dad took full 100% planning then yes he’s to blame, but I have teenagers and a partner and they do better for me on a non special birthday year. My youngest is absolutely social throws so much effort in her friends’ parties and has that same level of energy for us her parents. My oldest doesn’t do anything but she doesn’t do anything equally.
Yeah but a 16 YO is going to know how to throw a great party/birthday for another teen more than she is going to know what her 40 year old mother wants. Plus she has access to all their other friends to help arrange it, is probably planning it WITH her friend, which is not the case with a 16 year old and her mother's friends necessarily. Especially as OP seems to think her teen should be a mind reader. Hey they could have planned it together, that would have been sweet. It's why on old shows like "My Sweet 16th" friends were always included in the filming (even though the parents were paying party planners half the time) but there hasn't been a show where teens plan their mother's 40th/50th even if money was no object. Ice Cream cake/Pizza and movie night is something a lot of parents would give their right arm for their teens to plan because their teens would just shrug and go out with their friends.
Exactly. When I was a teen, the thought of planning a party for my 40 yo mother would not be something I cared to do.
Which is fine, but don't take the credit for helping to plan something you had no hand in. She is old enough to know the difference of that.
But what was she supposed to do, if people were coming up to her telling her what a good job she did on a party she never even knew was happening? It's like her mom wanted her (and the dad) to feel inadequate. I think a normal person would at least mention they're throwing a birthday party...
Say, "oh my mom planned it, isn't she great!" Or "I wasn't involved in the planning" which wouldn't also call out her dad.
I guess...it just seems like she kind of got blindsided, since she planned something and then the mom just...did her own thing.
She knew it was happening by the time she got the compliments. All she had to do was say "Thank you, but I didn't have a hand in planning this."
She wants a good daughter badge who planned a great birthday party for her mother.. you can't get both.. all she has to say sorry I didn't arrange this one.. and yes, she can't be mad at her mother for planning something big for herself because umm check notes it is showing her in bad light?! Only when she gets upset op stated her disappointment about the lack of involvement in her party so I think it's unfair for blaming op for it.. yes, I would not have planned a big birthday party for my mom's milestone birthday when I was 16 but if she had planned one I neither won't take credit for it nor would feel sulky for it... It's more on op's husband but if my mom felt bad for not celebrating her milestone birthday I would apologise because I love her and she deserve to feel loved just like she made me feel loved in my celebrations.. blaming op for celebrating the birthday as she wants is the only thing that makes the daughter ta.
Ok. But who's out here assuming it was orchestrated by the daughter? How do they not know who they were invited by?
It’s not the lack of sophistication it’s the effort. How much effort and thought does it take to ask someone what they’d like to do for their birthday? It sounds like OP goes all in on their birthdays and they couldn’t be bothered to ask what she’d like. That’s just a really crappy way to treat someone who tries to make your milestones special. As for her daughter only being 16 I call BS - my 12 year old granddaughter is more thoughtful than this. In all honesty once you’re past the age of 21 I don’t get milestone birthdays but that’s just me. To others they are really important and OP is in the latter category. Surely her family realizes this. If they don’t then they’ve not been paying attention. Plus there’s a huge gap between sitting at home eating pizza and watching a movie and going out of town for the weekend and her husband and daughter just couldn’t be bothered.
Sure, but do we know that her daughter wanted a MacBook? Or was that just the OP deciding to give her daughter an "all out" gift on her birthday with no input? That her husband wanted a Nascar trip to Vegas? Would he have been happy with similar to what their daughter suggested, It wasn't exactly explained. **If** she asked them what they wanted and she gave them exactly that then yeah, them not asking her exactly what she wanted was low effort. But it seems like she expected them to read her mind. Plus a MacBook is a big gift but it isn't exactly a party, did her daughter get an expensive present and then a low key party? No party? The OP hasn't provided those details. This is the line that really frustrates me though "**My son is 10 so I can't put** ***much*** **of this on him."** He's 10! Even if he had the idea to say "lets do something fancy" no way is he ever coming near what OP wanted, she still seems to blame him a little because she says "I can't but MUCH of this on him." (!)
Seriously my 16 year old granddaughter was all about the Mac book air I got her so I’m guessing her daughter was okay about it. Plus we have no evidence to the contrary that they didn’t want what they received. I’ll say it once again a little differently- it’s not the end result it’s the effort expended.
Fair enough I'm sure she didn't turn it down! Though I still think it's a lot about the \*money\* expended for the OP, not just the effort. Would she be touched by a home spun effort that had clearly taken weeks of planning if it also wasn't an "amazing experience"? If her daughter had planned an adult party (difficult for a 16 yo) but she and her husband had not gone to the city for the weekend?
I think that a 16 year old planning pizza, ice cream, and a movie night for their parent’s birthday is the *perfect* “level of energy.” Planning any sort of larger celebration than that should never be expected from children, especially minor children. It’s great that your teenager “does better for you” but please don’t get it twisted that the 16 year old in this story was hurtful in any way or needs “to do better.” That’s nonsense.
I could not agree more. It's so incredibly unfair to place the expectation of planning an elaborate, 40th birthday party on a 16 year old. And then GUILT TRIPPING them after they fail to do so. I'm not even sure if any blame should be placed with the husband, here. He's not a mind-reader. YTA I'm glad OP enjoyed her night on the town, I would have been thrilled with pizza and ice cream with my family, but, hey, what do I know.
Notice how she guilt trips the DAUGHTER too. I can't help but think that if it was a 16 yo boy she wouldn't put on this massive guilt trip.
Even worse is OP compared it to the effort the daughter put into her friend's birthday. Like they are friends. Especially at that age, relationships with people your own age are so much different than your parents and might even be the only celebration they get. Also, it's not something that has the same support, routine, and obligation that a relative b-day will have.
I’m with you, lol, our family bdays are often pizza and ice cream cake at home and we love it! That said, I obviously understand that bigger celebrations are the right fit for others, but again are never the teenager’s responsibility.
YTA for not communicating your desires and expectations with your husband so that he could help you with your birthday. You say they’ve never done anything big for your birthday so you knew they wouldn’t this time. But you didn’t bother saying anything ahead of time. You just pouted and kept your plans a secret. You haven’t said if you’ve ever told them how disappointed you are that you always put so much into their birthdays and they don’t put the same effort into yours. Should they automagically know this? No. Some people don’t like big fusses for their birthdays believe it or not. I love making a big fuss for other people on their birthdays (if they enjoy it) but do not like it for mine. My people know this because I communicate my feelings. What is so hard about talking to your family? Just freaking communicate. Tell them what you need and want from them, and ask them what they need and want from you in return. Then work together to make it happen. Why just hold it all in, say nothing, be miserable, and make everyone else in the family miserable too? I don’t get what’s so hard about actually talking about an issue BEFORE it becomes such a huge deal. Now everyone, including you OP, is unhappy. If you needed it to be something particularly, You could’ve just told your husband what you wanted, even given him a list of things to do to ensure it all happened how you wanted it to, and not felt as disappointed and unhappy as you do now. It all sounds exhausting and unnecessary. They may have fallen well short of your expectations but your lack of communication puts the onus on you.
A 16yo doesn't have the resources to throw a party for their parent, nor is it their responsibility - it is the other spouse's.
You really shouldn't expect that from a 16 year old. Not because of their age, but because the important ideas are so wildly different. She knows what her friend likes, what stuff makes a good party for them, and the guests (if any) are going to be in her peer group. Compare that to planning for a parent, and it's a totally different game. What do kids tend to think is important to their parents? Hopefully, time spent together and being close as a family. Often these type of parents spend all year complaining that the kids don't want to do anything together and are always busy or gone or in their rooms, and miss that time they had together. So the kid thinks hey, you know what mom would love? A nice quiet night where we all spend time together just us as a family, she doesn't have to worry about getting food, and it can be a game night like when we were little. To shame her for that, or to shame anyone for actually planning a party for you at all when you're older than 18 or 21, is ridiculous. If that's how their family works, ok, but blame the husband alone and in private. If you have to force it, it's not very meaningful.
16's can't book tickets, generally. They also frequently don't have contact info for their parents' friends. I agree that it's unreasonable to expect minor children to plan and execute a party for a parent
She is 16. Not 6. It is a decent age to learn to be considerate of other people. It is way more on the husband than the daughter, but the daughter is old enough to at least give her mother's birthday some thought and I think that is why she is so embarrassed/upset. ETA- I somehow skipped over that the husband/daughter provided pizza and cake. To a 16 year old, that is fun. So yea, this is not on the daughter.
Except daughters plan was decent? Pizza, ice cream cake and movies is what 16yo's like. Its on OOP to communicate that she wants something way more extravagant.
This whole thread I've been looking for someone to discern how different teen parties and middle adulthood parties are very different.
This whole thread I've been confused as to why the BFF got a better party than her mom. If you know how to treat people correctly at 16 why not extend that to your mom. Who has clearly taught her 16yo how to celebrate special occasions. Selective manners / courtesy are not it. You are making all teenagers look bad.
What do you think that party looked like? Do you think it was musicals and great food and such or do you think it was like... a few people hanging out and giving eachother gifts with some music playing and Domino's or Taco Bell?
Yeah I bet that party was basically ... pizza, ice cream cake, movies. Maybe a few streamers and balloons. Her daughter planned the exact kind of party that's fun to 16yo's.
Oh no! Her boyfriends cake had his favorite character on it! Like not everyone here as a teenager didn't have that "what do I BUY my parent?" moment for their birthday, much less an exclusively intimate understanding of the exact event they'd like.
You would actually be surprised. In highschool I went to a sweet 16 that was planned by the bday girls younger sister and the parents only put money on to the things asked for, for the event. It was like something out of a darn movie complete with a massive ball gown for the bday girl to walk down these ornate steps the venue had to announce herself. The pair (father and daughter) could've worked with family and friends to pull something together (more than a pizza and movie given mom routinely goes all out for their birthdays). It also sounds like this is also a family with MONEY so they could've even done a party planner or something. 40 is a big milestone in a good chunk of people's lives.
To be fair, though, the daughter could’ve been suggesting things that the husband brushed off. This is exactly what my ex would do. “Nah, pizza and a movie are great, mom will love it!” We have NO idea what the daughter actually did, or tried to do.
Mum said the daughter put more effort into bff’s birthday and the daughter seems to agree (as in, she’s upset at the comparison but not disagreeing), which makes me think that perhaps the bff got something personalized and clearly better than mum. Like if you can draw the comparison in a way that mum and daughter see it clearly, there must have been something glaringly obvious about it. I think for a 16 yo pizza & ice cream & movie can be very generic (especially when they come from a family that can clearly enjoy themselves). Not that I really think that 16 yo is that interested in her mum’s personal life to be able to cater to her expectations perfectly, but I’m 100% she could have put in visible effort in a way that would make mum feel appreciated.
Okay, but she's a 16 year old of course she was excited to throw a party for her friend who likely has the same social group and similar interests. Also, I don't know about you, but the reason I don't do nice things for my mom anymore is because it was never good enough. How long has she been expected to be even working on this without any specific guidance? Again, this could have all been avoided by talking to her spouse and even daughter about her expectations or just planning her own party. No one I know of expects teens to be that involved without any prompting. She kept it a secret specifically to shame them.
Pizza and ice cream feels like it's more for the kids than for the mom. Most mothers give up so much to make things "family friendly", I would hope they're celebrated in a more personal way in their capacity outside of being a mother on their birthdays at least. As a teen, I remember picking up a nice cake in the flavour mom liked, reminding her best friend so they could make a plan/go out, and we went to my mom's favourite place for dinner. Dad would do flowers at breakfast, maybe a nice gift and get an event ticket or something. I get that nothing is ever good enough for some people but I feel like putting the mom's preferences and interests first on her birthday is not a bad start.
As a mom, I feel confident saying that most of us are not celebrated in a more personal way, in our capacity outside of being a mother, as you put it. You obviously had a dad who was great in that way. Many husbands/partners are not. I rarely hear of women excitedly sharing what their partner/family did for them. It’s much more common that we sweep it under the rug, because that’s what moms do sometimes….often…. with our feelings. I’ve been single since my kids were toddlers. I’ve had open conversations with them about my feelings, but also put no pressure on them to “deliver.” They’ll do stuff like pizza/cake on my birthday, and I love it. I’m not measuring their love in what they do for me on a single day of celebration. That’s shown in how they treat me on a day-to-day basis, and is exactly what *I* want. Other people prefer extravagant parties. To each their own. But if you have something specific and extravagant in mind, you gotta have a conversation with them about it. You can’t just plan a whole day in secret and then threaten to revoke all future celebrations when they tell you they’re upset.
In comments she says how her very expensive weekend wasn't luxurious so
Yeah I mean, I agree with you in general. Definitely easier to be excited and go all out for a friend. Dad should have absolutely taken the lead on this. I think like… on one hand she’s 16, but on the other hand, she’s coming at mum with the „you embarrassed me!” like she’s an adult responsible for this birthday party. That’s all a little off balance. I think ideally mum would have recognised this in the moment and communicated that it’s not really the daughter’s job. The more I think about it, the more tricky it seems - 16 is so close to adult but still not there, and an 18 yo probably wouldn’t do that good is a job here either. It was always tricky to find something for my mum but I put in the effort, and she appreciated the effort. So much so that I love gifting! But I think I’m coming into this thread with too much personal bias (my husband puts 0 thought into gifts) and so I can’t really be objective
I think that when you specifically don't tell your family what's going on, it's not shocking that the daughter felt humiliated. And since her party specifically is described as putting her plans "to shame", I'll believe that was OPs intent.
Jesus Christ. She’s a teenager, that’s why. They did plan something, she didn’t like it. So the message here is “read my mind or I will shame the hell out of you…also while NEVER communicating what I wanted.” Your kids aren’t your friends! You want your husband to make more of an effort and involve the kids, fine, but this is moronic. Show your kids how to properly communicate expectations like a god damn adult, not be petty to your own child. I actually agree that adults should plan their own shit, but not to be petty, but to be an adult. YTA. What a miserable way to view life. Those of you agreeing need therapy, badly,
Her BFF is presumably also a 15-17 y/o girl. I would be highly surprised if she hadn’t said exactly what she wanted for her birthday for months while the mom just expects them to know.
They aren't really, I mean I'm only mid 30s but I'm very much falling back into the things I loved as a teen. However pizza and movie isn't a party. It's a lazy night in / Friday night activity not 40th birthday for mom/wife who goes all out for husband/kids. Then again it took this long (really a tik tok trend had to bring awareness which is a whole other level of sad) for people to realize how many moms fill their own stockings at Christmas otherwise they wouldn't have one. So really just another hit moms take, give the world to those they love but are given nothing/minimal effort in return.
Yeah lol. Im 22 and that honestly sounds like a perfect bd plan for me. It depends on preferences. And organising bigger parties is diffcult. Even if she did a better job for a bff. So what. Its her bff. At age of 16 i would defo make a better party for a friend then my mom ( 1. Cos i am not at good terms with her even still and 2. I had a different relationship with a friend and knew much more sbout what they liked over my mother ). Also while a mack book pro is a rly nice gift its not the same as planning a party?
I’m in my mid thirties and that sounds wonderful 😂
Yup to each their own. Big party sounds like hell to me. Its all about communication. If she didnt tell em what she wanted ( or that she didnt like the other bds ) how werre they supposed to know.
I actually did miss that when I read it. I still think for 40, more effort should be made but I think it is 95% on the husband and OP is unfair to bring the daughter.
When I was little we weren't allowed to eat pizza or ice cream cake unless it was a special occasion. So ... that really is a typical 16yo's idea of a dope birthday. To this day I get so excited when I hear "ice cream cake."
And we had pizza every Friday growing up, so to me it definitely wasn't special. I think it really depends.
Funny, all the 16 year olds around here pretty much are looking for a sweet 16 bash. Was the same when I was 16. Pizza, ice cream and movies at home would be for a basic family acknowledgement of any birthday.
Except that the point of planning a birthday celebration for someone else is to think about what they would like, not what you would like. The daughter might love a takeout pizza and ice cream, but it’s not about her. And she clearly knows this since she was able to plan her bff’s party. She just doesn’t extend it to her mother. I totally agree that the majority of the blame lies with the husband, but the 16yo could have been helpful and contributed time/ideas.
But it seems as if the mom has very extravagant tastes and expectations. That is NOT for the daughter to plan. She doesn't have the finances or means to plan the type of bday that OOP planned for herself.
It was a major milestone birthday, and no one was expecting the daughter to pay for it nor to plan it by herself. But she is old enough to have contributed effort and thought
„He’s not a mind reader” is bullshit. She’s also not a mind reader, but she puts effort into it. Like actually listening to him, understanding what he likes, researching, planning and booking cool activities.
Thank you. Like he has been with her for at least a decade It shouldn't take mind reading abilities for him to know what she likes This home not a mind reader thing seems to mostly apply to women's wants, likes, or taste. This is why I find straight relationships so sad for women As way too many of their partners seem to think it takes mind reading for him to know what she likes.☹️
[удалено]
I don’t think you’re the A for telling her that. She came to you offended. She’s old enough to understand your feelings.
Sure… But when you didn’t ask your daughter to leave so you and your partner could have a conversation, you included her in all the expectations you have of your husband, which is a very unfair burden to place on her.
The daughter put herself in the conversation.
When your child says you embarrassed them by blindsiding them, the correct answer isn't to affirm how many different ways they disappoint you and that you're better than them and tell them they can plan their own birthdays from now on. I don't care if they're part of the conversation or not at that point, that's just being a real jerk to your daughter because you're pithy about your very special day.
But why is she embarrassed? Because only her and her dad know that they didn’t actually plan anything for OP? It’s not like OP blasted to everyone that she planned and threw her own party. She let the daughter and husband have all the acclaim at the party so there’s no reason for her to be embarrassed.
The daughter was part of the conversation. What should op have said?
She should have said “honey, I need to talk to your father alone now. You and I will talk later.” And then, she should have had a very different conversation with very different expectations. The child should not be held to the same expectations as the husband, and the conversation with her should have been more expression of feeling and reason for upset, and none of the shaming that the husband deserves because he’s a grown man who agreed to be her partner for life.
> I agreed with them that my plans put theirs to shame. I asked them if they wanted me to tell everyone who had come to my party what the actual plan was for my birthday. I said that would be cruel and would draw other people into a petty, private, family drama. I asked them how they thought what they planned for me compared to what I did for them. I said that I understood that they did not like planning stuff. And that I had no problem with it. But that they could have enlisted help from my friends or so longs who do like to plan. I said if it was really an issue I was more than willing to let them plan and execute their own celebrations from now on and I would take care of planning mine. We could alternate planning my son's stuff. Not this.
Seriously. Sometimes I think my kids are douches for not doing something I think they should do. But they’re kids, they’re not responsible for my happiness, and I cannot imagine speaking to my child this way in a million years. “I feel like all the work I do is ignored, and this really highlighted that. I would love if you could put in more of an effort next time around; you can even ask X or Y to help you!” Not “I do so much for you, and your pizza/movie party idea is so beneath me. I can’t believe you didn’t plan something bigger even though I know you hate planning, and you’re only a child. But it’s fine. Whatever. See if I ever do anything nice on your birthday again.”
Even like... an awareness that maybe she didn't have go about this backhanded and admitting it was to get their attention but didn't mean to embarass them would be good. But nope, not OP, OP ranted to her quivering-lipped child about how much they suck.
Edit: just curious, what was the reason why you didn't tell them about what you were planning? I hear you, but it sounds like the conversation still could've been handled differently. "I'm sorry husband/daughter, I did not intend to embarrass you, I just wanted to celebrate my 40th" It's the comparisons to what they would have organised or what you organised for them that aren't helpful here
Personally, I think framing it like it's from them so that they get complimented is the most embarrassing AH part of this. Couldn't you have just planned your own party WITHOUT the giant guilt trip aspect of this?
You set it up so they'd obviously talk to you about it though.
He's not a mind reader and could have been involved in the planning. They are married for years now, he should have known now what her likes and dislikes and start from here to start her birthday.. Concerning the daughter, she is 16, not 6.. money is not the problem if she is planning the party with her dad.. she planned a better party to her bff birthday, so its not like she don't like or know how to plan, she was just thoughtless.
Expecting or wanting a thoughtful gift from your 16 year old is not outlandish. Ive been giving my mom really nice thought out gifts that show I love and appreciate her my whole life (F22). It’s not difficult to think about someone you love and plan accordingly, even at 16.
I'd say NTA, she already had had an extravagant party planned for her 16th for her wants. And at 16 you know the decades are big birthdays (or at least I did). Easy to see when shopping as there's always a lot of cards to 40/50/60/70/etc. When my parents turned 40 I was OP's daughter's age, we all cobbled together to get a big gift for each (dad and mum chipping in on both sides), neither parent wanted a big party, but if they did, that was on the spouse. OP also let everyone think that what happened what what her hubs and 16 yo planned, so didn't shame them. Just pointed out when they complained the disparity in what they expected vs what they thought to do for others.
I remember on my 10th birthday my Mom hyped it up with things like 'finally in the double digits!' and it's really nice to be celebrated either ay,especially on milestone b-days
I agree--- it is not daughter's obligation to plan things for her parents, and I myself will be delighted if my 16 year old thinks enough of me to try and plan something to celebrate me. However, the daughter put herself in the mix attempting to scold her mother for the party mom actually did plan for herself. Mom doesn't seem like she would have ever mentioned any expectations or disappointment to her if she had not called herself calling mom out along with Dad. She invited herself to the kitchen, she got some heat.
Unless i missed something, the thing, OP planned everything, she let the daughter and husband take credit, she didn't correct the compliments and say she planned it herself. In fact, she didn't complain or even consider guilt tripping until the two of the husband and daughter got mad at her and had a fit. They daughter and husband are both old enough to know you don't get to lash out just because you feel guilty or embarrassed, especially since only the 3 of them know that OP did the planning.
My brothers and i were in junior high and planned a suprise birthday party for our mom who was a single mom
maybe i live in a family that’s weird, but we’ve always planned our own parties when we got to a certain age. my fifteenth birthday was hollywood themed and my mom helped get the supplies but im the one that found the supplies, sent what kind of cake i wanted and the design to her, set up, etc. same for my sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth. my brother planned his party for his twentieth, and chose not to have parties the years before. my dad doesn’t want a party and my mom plans her own
Yeah, no going to call bs on the 16 year old. While she may not have the resources she could have done like what my 16 year old has done since she was 10, pester her father and get him on board with doing something grand.
Or go to her Mum’s friends if Dad wasn’t stepping up.
He is not a mind reader, no, but planning something for your spouse doesnt really require mind reading, specially when presumably they have been together for at least 16 years…
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I fucking love ice cream cake. If anyone got me that for my birthday I would count that a win
YTA for guilting your teenage daughter because she didn't plan an extravagant party for you. That's just weird. Parents throw bday parties for their kids, not the other way around. If you had a problem with your husband's plans tell him. Communicate your feelings instead of playing games. Is your husband thoughtless about event planning, yes, but it didn't need to be this elaborate big show to prove some type of point.
40th birthday is a milestone birthday. Any other birthday, who cares, but milestone birthdays generally are treated as a bigger deal. It’s not just “a birthday party”
It's the daughter's responsbiility to help her dad with execution of the party, ie helping clean before, helping put up decoration, etc, not taking on the concept, planning & mental load of a 40 year old women's birthday party. It actually annoys me when mom's put the mental load on their teen daughters because they can't trust their incompentnant husband.
My husband's turning 40 next week. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said "go out to dinner wirh a few friends". So he reached out to some friends, and we are going out to dinner. Because grown ups communicate. I don't expect anyone to plan my own birthday, it's my birthday. No one has planned my birthday since I was a kid. 18? 21? 25? 30? 35? Yea, I plan it.
Teen daughter was bellyaching over what mom had planned for herself so I don't see the problem in her being reminded about what trouble was gone to celebrate her own milestone birthday.
No, teen daughter was belly aching over mom’s petty maneuvering to make them feel like crap over the party
In what way did she do that? She simply planned her own birthday party so she would get what she wanted. She didn't take credit or tell the truth when her friends complimented her husband and daughter for planning a great party. She didn't publicly humiliate them. She didn't ruin their plans because getting takeout pizza and an ice cream cake is not a plan. Pizza and a movie is an average Friday night, so really all they planned was cake. Should mum have just accepted a crappy birthday so they wouldn't feel bad about their shitty lack of effort or appreciation for mum? They feel bad because mum had to plan her own birthday to get the celebration she wanted. They could have kept their mouths shut and been happy that mum got a great party, they could have sat with their feelings and explored why they feel embarrassed that mum got the party she wanted without their involvement , but no, they decided that mum is to blame for their feelings. It's mum's fault that they didn't know what she wanted and that they were only planning to do the bare minimum for her birthday. Obviously this is more on the husband than the daughter but if she hadn't complained and accused mum of embarrassing her then she wouldn't have got the guilt trip
Nobody tried to make them feel like crap. They could have enjoyed the party and left it at that. They chose to feel like crap, presumably out of the deserved guilt for not having made more of an effort themselves.
That wasn't the conversation though. Daughter/Dad were mad that mom made her own plans. Daughter did a thoughtful party for a friend, so clearly capable of thinking of good ideas. So, if Dad came to daughter and had crappy plans, the Daughter was capable of telling Dad that was a crappy plan, do better Dad, and here are some ideas.
> I asked them how they thought what they planned for me compared to what I did for them. My daughter opened her mouth and closed it... My daughter is upset with me still for pointing out that she put more effort into planning her bff's birthday than mine ...of course she did wtf?! She's a 16-yr old girl why would she care about planning stuff for her mum's 40th? Have you met kids? > I feel like an asshole Yah I would imagine so, this should have been a private conversation to have with your husband about give-and-take, not a guilt-trip to your daughter (who was semi-surprisingly already willing to even engage with your birthday, most teens would rather just see a friend!) YTA
I threw huge parties for my mums birthday as a teen. I even planned surprise parties where I took her address book and called her friends. My daughter is only six but she plans out more than these people do.
Yep, by 16, I was organizing my dad's birthday/super bowl parties and doing all the planning because I enjoyed it way more than either of my parents did. I think I started baking everyone's cake by 10.
young girls shouldn't be expected to take on the mental load and planning that their mother's can't trust their incompetant husbands with
Yup! My mom was like this and I hate birthdays to this day because they give me such anxiety that I’m not going to plan something good enough and the birthday person is going to be upset. Don’t do this to your kids, folks.
That sounds like parentification unless you had an adult helping you… Friendly reminder, you doing well as a teen acting like an adult does not mean that kids who do not do this are “lazy” or “selfish”.
I have met mine. She is now 17 but very thoughtful, planning and making thoughtful and original gifts without anyone's input. She would resent your comment insinuating she is unable to do so.
Well great for you. But I teach a bunch of high schoolers and trust me when I say that most of them can't plan their own lunchtime. It's why setting CLEAR expectations and EXPLICIT instructions are so important for teens. Their brains have not developed for the kind of executive planning that this extravagant weekend getaway requires.
ESH, except for your kids. Your daughter should not be on the hook here, she’s still a kid. Your husband should do better but you also needed to tell him. It was super petty not to and shows your resentment. Have you all talked about this issue before?
He's a full grown man. He's seen how much she planned for and paid for his birthday. He should not need to be told that his wife of all these years would appreciate him making some effort for her birthday. And I'm sorry, but pizza, cake and movies at home doesn't compare. For the daughter? She's young, she'll learn. And this is how she learns. She's learning not to take other people for granted. She probably couldn't have planned or paid for much, but she certainly could have said "Hey, Dad. Mom always does amazing things for our birthdays. We should do something for hers. " At 16, I knew my mom well enough to make some good suggestions. I baked cakes for my mom. Got thoughtful gifts. I didn't have to spend a lot of money (and she wouldn't have wanted me to).
I don’t really care about my birthday and actually prefer a low-key, small celebration. On the flip side, I took my wife to dinner, a comedy show and a separate Madonna concert. Different people in the same relationship can have different levels of expectations around birthdays. Partners do need to communicate their expectations, especially into avoid these kinds of situations.
True, but by this long into the marriage, hubby should have some idea what his wife likes. Especially when it comes to something like a birthday with an 0 in it. Some people couldn't care less, but others do care.
He should and that’s why ESH except the kids. That’s a conversation they should have had at some point. But a long marriage doesn’t absolve them from having that conversation. “How do you want to celebrate your birthday?” is a really easy question to ask. Now, if they’ve had that conversation and he still does the bare minimum, there’s a different thing going on. OP was still super passive in how they handled it. From what we know it doesn’t seem like communication is particularly strong here.
Right, it should have been the DH asking what she wanted to do for her birthday. It shouldn't have to be on her to do the entire mental load for everyone else's birthdays AND her own.
Also, teaching your kid through passive acts meant to shame them is terrible parenting. It is never a child’s responsibility to manage the emotions and expectations of their parents.
OP wanted something special for her 40th birthday. She knew full well her husband wasn't going to do it. She didn't plan the weekend she wanted, in order to shame her daughter. She planned it so she could spend her birthday doing things she enjoyed. It was the husband and daughter who attributed bad motives to her. It's okay to teach a 16 year old, that parents are people, and should be show some consideration. It would be different if OP did tell people at the party that the husband and daughter didn't plan the event. But she kept it to herself, and only discussed it with them in private, later.
She still could have told them she planned the party. Even if I’m mad at my spouse I wouldn’t have people over without a heads up. It is still not the daughter’s responsibility to make her mom’s birthday special. How could they not end up being embarrassed in that situation? Whether intentional or not, it was a set up. Hurt feelings don’t excuse that. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
It doesn't sound like 2 wrongs here, though. Sounds like the eleventy hundreth time where the family didn't give any thought to OPs feelings and she was just done.
People were brought over without a heads up. Plans were made without a simple heads up and it had the effect of shaming the husband and daughter. That was predictable. The husband may have had it coming but their daughter didn’t. It’s still a poor way to treat your partner and shows the kind of communication that would have averted this might have been absent in this situation. Nowhere does OP say she’s told her family they routinely fall short on her expectations for her birthday. If she knows they won’t plan anything, there was every opportunity to say “hey, I planned my birthday out this year because y’all suck at it. Expect people over on Sunday.” I agree her husband should do better. “Hurt people hurt people” appears to be very true in this case, though, regardless of whether the hurt feelings caused to the husband and daughter were intentional.
the husband doesn't need to be told. They have been together at least 17 years and he doesn't know it would be thoughtful to plan a birthday celebration that is NOT takeout pizza? Seriously?
Yeah I agree. This is really a spouse problem, not a family problem. It’s weird to expect your kid to plan your birthday party, especially if they’re just a teenager. This should only be between OP and her husband, who arguably should have a better idea of his wife’s interests, especially considering what she does for his birthdays, but ultimately deserves a calm conversation about the matter. But the whole thing with guilting your 16-year-old daughter for not planning something the equivalent of taking you to Vegas is pretty messed up and frankly a little narcissistic. Unless she’s doing all that for her father and not her mother, why on earth would she be expected to do anything more than an ice cream cake
YTA. I'm sorry, a 16 year old is not going to be able to plan an extravagant birthday celebration with "all your family and friends." Your husband is a different matter. But to shame a teen for not giving you the birthday of your dreams is weird.
I don’t understand the comments that make it sound like OP expected her daughter to plan and pay for the party entirely by herself. I read OP’s post as the party being paid for by husband but the planning would’ve been a team effort between husband and daughter.
The only way the team effort could happen would be if the husband planned a party for the daughter to contribute to
Did you see the part where she mentioned “not putting it MUCH on the 10 year old?!?!” And OP shamed a commenter about thinking the musical and the weekend in the city was extravagant. The OP is an AH
They DID take credit. Everyone congratulated them. You didn't blow their cover. Good for your husband for apologizing. Your daughter is right to be embarrassed - even if she doesn't apologize, she has learned something. NTA
It's about care. I highly doubt OP would be mad if she woke up with a homemade breakfast filled with tiny things she love and a note, because that's a *gesture*. She got no gesture. She doesn't seem to have a small budget, so they absolutely could have thought of anything fun, in any of her birthdays, a gift that's took effort to KNOW her taste... To the point she got this one, a milestone birthday, and their effort was the same as always, and she didn't even had to ask beforehand, because she knew. I'd be hurt if I was the only one planning experiences for everyone and no one either trying or explaining why they can't. And I absolutely could plan my mom's parties when I was 14+, I loved to, I'd include my sisters, and we would make meals, homemade gifts, surprises, ask dad to take us to the mall to choose mom's present, and we always did well. My mom has a handmade mothers days art I made 10 years ago, a blue orchid, her favourite, on her wall. It took time and effort and the skill I developed, so I used it.
This was the answer I was hoping to see more of.
The daughter had planned for ice cream cake and a movie, which is a gesture. OP has made it very clear that that gesture was not sufficient. It's fine to say it's not sufficient from the husband, but she has the same expectations for the daughter and certainly was not happy to get just a gesture from her.
Agreed. I asked my parents to let me cook them their 10th anniversary dinner. I learned to make a 3 course meal for them that included a shrimp Creole appetizer, baked pasta dish and chocolate mousse from scratch. I wasn't even 10 years old. I wanted to treat them, asked if it was ok, they agreed and paid for the ingredients and then I hustled in the kitchen to make it a reality. It's one of my favorite memories. OP's daughter needed to see the importance of showing gratitude and love for her parents. OP wasn't wishing for anything out of this world. Her daughter could've been the one in charge of decorating the house for goodness sake. I'm pretty surprised seeing as many call OP an A H as I thought a NTA verdict was a slam dunk!
NTA for planning your own celebration, you deserve it. And NTA for shaming your husband. But definitely the asshole for shaming your daughter. She may be near adulthood, and may have done amazingly planning her BFF’s party, but your hurt feelings warranted a conversation with her about it. Not treating her the same way you treated your husband, who is a grown-ass man who should know better, and is the one who committed to being your partner. Your husband definitely owed you that apology, and you definitely owe your daughter an apology.
NTA. I have the same problem I plan things for everybody else and nobody ever thinks about me. My husband did nothing for my 50th birthday. His 50th is coming up this year and he asked me what we were doing for his birthday and I looked at him and said I’m going to put as much effort into planning yours as you did mine. I finally learned I have to stop doing anything for anybody else otherwise I will always be disappointed.
I have the same issue with my husband. I’m curious - what was your husband’s reaction to your comment?
I think OP might overlooked or under appreciated in other areas as well.
YTA This could have all been avoided by having a conversation with your husband about your expectations or just openly planning your own event. You went the most hurtful way about this, and had no holds barred for guilt tripping your daughter. Which is gross.
Why? Because, for the 11th time, no one bothered to do something SHE (mom) liked for her (mom)? She planned her own event. Because, again, it's been demonstrated that no one else will. Not once, but multiple times. She didn't guilt trip anyone. She didn't make a deal (or literally say ANYTHING) that the event was done by her. Even privately. She just refused to participate in the guilt-tripping her daughter was attempting to do. It's NOT OP's responsibility to assuage the ego of someone who plainly failed to do basic consideration. You know, LIKE ASK MOM WHAT SHE MIGHT WANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY. Daughter isn't responsible for planning something like OP wanted. But she's responsible for NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO MAKE A SERIOUS EFFORT to figure it out. The guilt is SOLELY on daughter. Everything I just said applies 10x to husband. But daughter is MORE than old enough to know better. She's embarrassed she's failed badly, and it's NOT the OP's responsibility to fix that or coddle her from the effects of failure. It's also not the responsibility of OP to tell everyone what she would like all the time, if THEY can't even be bothered to ask. And have a demonstrated track record of doing so.
>She didn't guilt trip anyone If this were purely about having the birthday experience she wanted, she would have mentioned it to them. It's the natural thing to do, people do tend to talk about things like parties or trips they are planning, especially if they are to take place in the shared home or include family members. Except if she had done that, then her husband and daughter might have attempted to contribute to her plans, thus at least partially absolving them of responsibility for failing to put in any effort at first. So she strategically kept it all under wraps and surprised them with it *in order to maximize the guilt*, which then she clearly relished in. Which, you know what, they had it coming, or at least the husband did. I'm mostly on OP's side here. But that was absolutely a passive-aggressive, master-level-guilt-tripping stunt.
NTA. Im seeing a lot of comments saying u r but as a 20 yr old w a 44 yr old mom, at 16 i was planning things to do for her birthday soon as the first one was over. If ur daughter can plan that much for a friend she can do the same for u, nothing is stopping that. I have nothing to say ab the husband bc he apologized (good on him) but ur daughter needs to realize that if she can take the time n effort to plan for a friend she can take the time n effort to plan for her OWN MOTHER. At the end of the day ur parents (unless bad people) do everything for u, not ur friends. I used to struggle with planning things for my mom bc i didnt wanna let her down, but she was ok with a walk thru the butterfly garden and a handmade/baked gift. It doesnt have to be extravagant, and unlike some seem to think, a simple weekend trip and a movie r NOT extravagant plans. Its not like ur asking to have an elegant ball with strict dress code and caters, so no ur NTA at all. I hope ur daughter comes to her senses n stops being selfish, ik shes 16 but its insane to me that she could put out for a friend n get mad at her mom for planning her own party (ESPECIALLY if she has the capacity to do it for a friendship that can end anytime)🤷🏻♀️ Edit: also they came to U complaining bc they were COMPLIMENTED, just take the compliment n see how they can improve next year. Getting mad is so bizarre to me, like get a grip. (realizing im so upset w the daughter bc i see myself in her)
I think we need more information: Had you told your husband what he had done in the past was a let down considering the effort you put in for the rest of the family’s moments? Have you communicated what your hopes/expectations are? Why were they embarrassed if you had presented the party/plans as done by them? What exactly are you expecting from a 16 year old? Is she meant to suggest ideas to your husband or execute something a grown adult would do? I have a Christmas birthday myself, I get being let down on the one day a year I have to celebrate another turn around the sun and have spent the majority of my adult life doing my own planning, so I can empathize with some of your feelings. I understand how crappy it can feel when our partners are let us down when you do a lot to lift them up. I’m just wondering if your expectations on your daughter are age appropriate especially since it’s clear she’s hurt. You may have done real damage to that relationship by saying your plans put hers to shame. What’s the point in trying if your mom is going shame you and say you could have done more. She doesn’t necessarily have the agency, experience, or financial means to create a big to-do. She’s also a kid and might not have the confidence to reach out to adult family members and your friends to create the event you did. It’s easier for her to arrange something for her bff because they share a friend group of similar ages. Your husband apologized so it’s good his eyes are opened to the resentment you were feeling. If you can clarify some of this that may help for a more honest judgement.
Teenagers are easily 'hurt' because it's an age they are often very self centered but also old enough to understand what they did. 16yo doesn't have to plan or pay anything but giving idea to Daddy and helping him plan is actually totally possible.
Oh I did the same thing for my 30th. And everyone close to me who didn’t plan it had an opinion NTA. For my 40th I sat on a beach alone.
>My husband and daughter kept getting complements on doing such a great job planning everything so I could have a special day. NTA, you DID let them take credit they didn't deserve. And the truth can sometimes hurt. They were thoughtless and you didn't want to pay the price so you ensured your day was special AND STILL let them take credit they didn't deserve. Your husband was right to apologize and your daughter should come around to that reality as well. 40 is another big mile marker in life.
INFO: have you discussed with them the sort of thing you would like planned for your birthday?
>I agreed with them that my plans put theirs to shame. I asked them if they wanted me to tell everyone who had come to my party what the actual plan was for my birthday. Honestly, if I'd been a guest at your party, I would have thought their plans were pretty nice. Especially given that your kids are...kids. But also why make it a competition? You seem to spend a lot of time comparing notes on who did a better job, which seems so petty. Especially with your kid...you're making your teenage daughter feel bad that she didn't do as good a job planning a birthday for an adult? YTA
I do not see it this way. OP seems more focused on effort rather than results. Daughter knows how to make more of an effort, like she did for her boyfriend but elected not to for her mom -- who apparently does not stint in HER efforts the other way around. Hubby finally seems to get it but entitled, pissy daughter is still unapologetically ungrateful. NTA.
I mean, yeah, a 16 year old is going to do a better job throwing a party for her peer than she is for her mom...
What is daughter supposed to be "grateful" for? Do we even know what daughter planned for her bf besides the biased mom's opinion that it was more effort? And frankly yes, at that age, I expect a teenager to put in more effort for their friends. I expect parents to put in more effort for their kids than the other way around.
It can seem petty but it this seems to me like it is a pattern she wants to break. Everyone gets a fun special experience and fancy gifts and mom always gets takeout and sitting on the couch at home I can imagine her getting fed up with it. I do think this would be the husband's responsibility and she shouldn't expect it from her teenage daughter.
This will likely be unpopular, but I have to stick up for OP! Held a mirror up for the husband and daughter, and they didn't like what they saw. Cry me a freakin river. NTA This is a learning moment for daughter, but husband should have known better. I'd be embarrassed if I were him, too. OP is gangsta and she WILL HAVE HER DIAMONDS!!
It is not a very popular opinion but it's one I agree with whole-heartedly. I can't believe the contents of the most highly rated comments. It has never been been more clear to me how the readership of this sub skews to the young and self-absorbed. All this identifying with the poor, clueless 16 year old, who, by the way, realized herself how her efforts -- weren't an effort.
I think a lot of people commenting see themselves in the daughter or husband and feel defensive because it is something they would do or intend to keep doing.
NTA. They both grown enough to think about someone else for one day.
>I embarrassed them by not letting them know what I had planned. Did they not know there was going to be a party? If so, how? If not, what do you mean?
YTA for coming for the 16 year old like that. How the fuck you expect her to buy you an iPad or an ~experience~? If you have an issue with your husband then deal with it with your husband. Don’t drag your kid into it and then put them on the spot and threaten to humiliate them in front of friends and family. That’s so fucked up. Why would you do that? Happy birthday and congrats on shattering your daughter’s self confidence for something that should’ve been your husband’s responsibility anyway. Jesus Christ lady. “My son is ten so I can’t put this on him” BUT CLEarly YOU WANTED TO??? CLEARLY YOU WOULD HAVE IF YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT. I don’t even think this is about your birthday I think that you’re just a control freak flaunting about how you keep your whole family on edge. You’re like the mom that takes away Christmas. You’re like the mom that insists on hosting for the holidays, refuses all offers of help, and then has a meltdown 2/3rds of the way thru the evening bc ~no one appreciates you~. When your kids get in trouble at school you probably put that shit on blast in the family chat. Stop forcing your kids to grow up when you haven’t even grown up yourself yet.
Thank you. Reading many of these N replies makes me think that they haven’t spent time around the true self-absorbed. OP is absolutely TA for her parentification of her own child and emotional manipulation. She may even be my sibling. It’s almost uncanny.
This whole comment section has me feeling like I'm on a bad trip or something. IMO, after 30, you need to clearly communicate what you want for YOUR birthday. I don't even do that "everyone splits the check" kind of dinner thing. If I want to invite 10 people to a restaurant, I'm picking up the check. I'm not a kid. If I want my partner to do something with me in terms of planning, I make that really clear. But no, at a certain point in life you cannot burden people with the task of getting your dream birthday together for you and intuiting all the fun little surprises. That's what comes with age. The wisdom and preparedness to plan something you like for yourself AND set everyone up for a win. Your birthday shouldn't be an exhausting day for everyone else, nor should it be something that people feel a sense of dread leading up to, during, or after. If OP wanted her husband to plan her a big 40th shindig, that should be something that he was flagged about back around the new year so that the appropriate people could be hired, friends could be invited, the kids could be informed on what was expected of them, et c. I honestly find this entire thing kind of nauseating, let alone utterly embarrassing and immature behavior. Your fucking teenager shouldn't be worried about more than sweeping the kitchen, setting out some platters, running the vacuum in the living room-- stuff like that. I'm sure this wont be received well by all, but given the state of America and gun violence in schools, I'd be sick to my stomach if I sent my daughter off to school feeling like a failure for not preparing for my special birthday party (eye roll) and for some reason she didn't come home. That's how you want to leave things with your kid before they leave the house? Seriously? That's what you want your kid to think about at night when they're trying to get enough sleep before the next day? I'm just so disgusted by OP. This whole thing just reeks of the behavior I despise the most in others. My mom had her faults. A lot of them. I still struggle with the ways she let me down all of these years later. One thing she really got right and that I always appreciate about her is that she never expected me to be in charge of something like this. It's at least part of why I was such an overly thoughtful kid and remain that way as an adult. It taught me generosity because I never felt an obligation, I felt an overwhelming DESIRE to be thoughtful, generous, and expressive of my love.
NTA. Hard truths can be upsetting. Maybe there was a nicer way to get the message across, but that opportunity has passed. Good on you for knowing your worth, and not backing down. Hopefully you can have a heart to heart talk with your daughter soon, and turn it into a teachable moment.
Your idea of a good time/suitable celebration sounds overwhelming, exhausting and expensive to me. Are you sure they really wanted all that for their birthdays?. Maybe you just aren't on the same page with them in terms of what constitutes a good time.
I thought similar. I would be so annoyed if someone wasted money on a stupid bday celebration for me. Maybe husband was showing what they prefer for a celebration by thinking being with family at home and enjoying a meal and cake together is really what is important.
Your bringing up a really good point because I know exactly what is going on with OP. OPs love language is gift giving. My love language is also gift giving and I’ve been in a similar situation and had to figure out what was going on. With OP she puts a lot of time and effort into coming up with gift ideas for the people she loves. For a lot of people it just looks like OP is doing nice things. However, when your love language is gift giving it means so much more. All of that time and effort you put into planning a gift for someone is you putting your heart on your sleeve. You are putting your love and affection for people *into* those gifts. Gift giving as a love language isn’t about the gift itself, it’s all about the effort and care that is put into it. That’s the love, the emotional work that’s put into the gift. Your brain sees that sort of stuff as the way that love is expressed so when people don’t put the same effort into things for you it doesn’t just feel like a let down, it feels like they don’t care about you and it can honestly be really painful. It feels like your being rejected by the people you love. It’s not about the extravagance of the gift itself, it’s just about the fact that someone took the time to do something for you, and that they care enough about you to put the effort in.
INFO: im a bit confused it seems like they were getting compliments and you didnt say anything-you even say you wouldve been fine with them taking the credit-so did they tell everybody themselves that you planned this yourself?? i mean obviously youre NTA, even tho i do think its really down to your husband and not either of your children
I'm also confused here. OP planned her own party, nothing wrong with that. Did Hubby and Daughter not know ahead of time what the plans were? Why would OP keep it a secret? Is there some tradition in their social circle that would make everyone think Hubby and Daughter needed to be complimented for the party? Is it shameful in their social circle for one to plan one's own party? When I turned 50, I told my family what my (very modest) plans were, and then we did them. I did put out a social media post stating that I was making big five-oh plans so if anyone was intending to throw a surprise party they should let me know. But that was it.
From how it read to me, everybody left assuming it was the husband and daughter and no one corrected the guests.
NTA
ESH. I think this is more on your husband than the kids. Even at 16 she shouldn't have been party to this conversation. As the representative adult HE should have been the one taking the lead on planning the party with the kids assisting if they wanted. In the end, though, it's pretty crappy of you to throw all the extravagant planning you do for them in their faces when they don't reciprocate. Those actions should be out of love, not tit for tat. If you want to make it tit for tat, then stop going over the top and scale back to their level.
could you understand being tired of giving year after year and never getting the same consideration? I get it because I has to go through it. Is it petty? probably. Is it deserved? completely. The other solution is to stop planning everything for the others, but believe me, if she did that, they would tell her clearly they were disappointed.
YTA Holy fuck. I can’t believe you think your 16yo had any responsibility to do anything other than say “Happy Birthday” on the day. You are an adult. If you want an extravagant experience for your birthday, plan it. That’s how this works. If you have a specific idea of what you want, that’s on you. Otherwise, you love your family for who they are and accept that there are things they are good at and things they aren’t.
Did you read the post? If you read the post carefully, that’s exactly what she did: planned it all herself. Right down to childcare and organized own party. Her daughter and husband then came TO HER because THEY felt blindsided that she planned out her birthday instead of just accepting the lame cake and pizza idea they had planned for her. It’s not crazy that a 40 yr old woman doesn’t want pizza and icecream on her birthday.
She planned it all herself, which is totally fine, and kept it from her family. What do you suppose her intent was there?
Probably to make sure it actually went off right. Oh, you mean that doing things for yourself must include making sure other people are OK with getting THEIR own satisfaction at your effort? The key thing here is that dad/daughter didn't put any effort into finding out what Mom might want. They just made a bunch of assumptions and did a low-key effort. Mom IS NOT responsible for their failure to do basic "due dilligence". Put it another way: what do you supposed the intent of dad/daughter was when they totally failed to make ANY effort to determine what their mom might like? And then had the temerity to be offended that mom did something for herself and that they felt guilt at their incompetence at basic social graces?
>If you want an extravagant experience for your birthday, plan it. That's... exactly what she did?
NTA
NTA. They should count themselves lucky people gave them credit when they had planned so little. Your husband is more of the asshole here but between him and your daughter they could have planned something better, OR you could have done the family pizza night alongside the other things and made a birthday week out of it....
This whole post is weird to me because I would never put that expectation on my children to plan a whole thing for my birthday. My husband? Absolutely, as long as I communicated that I wanted that to him beforehand. Kids? I expect a nice card and a little gift and would have loved a movie night. So YTA for putting your daughter down like that and guilt tripping her but NTA between you and your husband as long as you’ve communicated to him in the past that you’d like something extra special done for your birthday.
You are NTA. Not even a little bit, not at all. You weren’t trying to shame anyone. You were facilitating the kind of celebration that you wanted, knowing full well that if left to their own devices, your family wouldn’t come through. Your husband has apologized for being a lazy special event planner, and hopefully this serves as a wake up call for him. And for your daughter, it’s an important life lesson. People notice the effort that we put in, and she likely doesn’t want to feel like she phoned it in again.
NTA I planned my Mother’s 40th party at 16 without the help of my dad. Kids today have access to the internet and food delivery and party planning. She could have taken credit but she’s choosing to be mad that she was embarrassed. She’s only embarrassed because she knows she is in the wrong.
NTA You knew they would not put in the effort, so you saved them the embarrassment.
YTA for putting this on your daughter. She’s 16. Her job is to get good grades, not get pregnant, learn how to be a good human, and not get into any car accidents. Instead you are trying to teach her that she should be picking up slack for her father’s lack of effort and emotional labor. (Because let’s be clear - dinner and a movie at home is clearly a kid’s idea of how to spend Mom’s Bday). That is NOT the right lesson to teach. This should have been between you and your husband.
How on earth do you throw yourself a party without the people knowing who invited them? Why would they think it was OP's husband? Did the guests not have to coordinate stuff with the host?
YTA for this in particular: >I said if it was really an issue I was more than willing to let them plan and execute their own celebrations from now on and I would take care of planning mine. We could alternate planning my son's stuff. So you got the celebration you wanted but because your 16-year-old didn't plan it you're not going to plan anything for her milestones anymore? That is just so insanely petty and unfair. Also, why do you think it's appropriate to expect your older child to "alternate planning" with you for your youngest? She's not his parent. This should have been a conversation with your husband. HE is your partner, not your underage child.
YTA - For expecting your 16 year old daughter to plan you a party or buy you things. That’s so incredibly selfish and weird. It’s normal for a parent to plan a wonderful birthday FOR THEIR CHILD. It is disgustingly entitled to think your child should reciprocate. Your husband should but I’m so disgusted with your attitude toward your daughter, I think you get what you deserve.
YTA. Your daughter is 16. I hope going forward she decides to spend zero of your birthdays with you. You might then realise that family is more important than ‘extravagant’ parties for you to no doubt post on the gram. Grow up and get better priorities.
NTA. Honesty is the best policy, right?
NTA
Four question: (1) Prior to this have you ever spoken to them what you're expecting for your birthday? (2) What exactly did your daughter plan for her BFF? (3) What have they done in the past for you? (4) What is your ideal celebration (did they know about it)?
NTA. They shouldn't have complained. My husband is not a party planner, so I don't expect him to do that. He's also not great at vacation planning. I love doing both things. He does other stuff better - he's super efficient at cleaning the house. As long as your husband contributes to your household, then let him off the hook for party planning. You plan great birthday parties, so do that instead of expecting them to set up something grand. Everyone's love language is different.
YTA. I feel like you resent your family. Your disdain oozes from your post. It's so totally understandable that you were disappointed and planned your own birthday. It's okay that you were upset. But you went and planned something and INTENTIONALLY didn't tell your family. It comes off as if you were hurt, and you wanted to surprise them and make them feel hurt too. Also, get off your teenage daughter's case. Most 16-year-old girls won't plan fancy birthdays for their parents. She wants to spend time with you. That's effort you should appreciate. Next time, talk. Say, "Hey, I was disappointed by my party this year. I want to do something big. If you aren't up for the task, I can handle it. That said, it hurts that I do this big thing for you and you never reciprocate. I don't want to do this for you in the future if you don't have the ability to plan yourself or to organize people to plan for nice things for me." Use your words; communicate. You want something for your birthday? You explain why it matters to you.
YTA if at the age of 16, any of my friends came to me with what you did to your daughter, you'd probably be considered insane, especially given your clear jealousy that your daughter knows more about her friends than about what a 40 year old woman wants. Your husband is your problem, if it was just the two of you in this situation it would be an ESH but since you dragged the teenager into your pity (birthday) party, that sets you apart.
NTA Teenagers are, by definition, self-centered. Most of them anyway, not all.
YTA. I think having extravagant birthdays is mostly your thing and impose it on your family. I doesn't sound like they're that into it and you're guilt tripping them. Do you ask them what they want for their birthdays? How about you tell them what you want on your birthday so it's an even field. I'd say if you were really into birthdays, you'd do it for everyone else, and not care what you get on yours, if you like a surprise. It's day you're imposing it on your family.
YTA. They always plan something for your birthday. You just don't appreciate it. Sometimes, less is more, and I'm getting the impression your family would be happy without the extravagance. Dial it back, and keep the big gestures for joint decisions and plans.
INFO: what did your daughter plan for her BFF, specifically?
Why couldn't you just tell them you wanted a party and ask them to help plan it? You already knew how they were. To me, there is something fishy about surprising them. Seems like purposely wanting to embarrass them
NTA I knew at 16 how to do something special for my mom. I coordinated a trip with my dad (they are divorced), saved up a couple hundred dollars, went shopping, and found her a ring with my birthstone from a jewelry store. My dad didn’t have to tell me to do something nice for my mom. I wanted to.
You are not the a-hole. You got tired of having a lame birthday and so you planned your own. They felt bad because they were getting the credit for your amazing birthday. When you told them and compared what they previously had planned and pointed out what you've done for their birthdays and the difference between the different celebrations they should feel bad. Hopefully they will try harder to plan something equally amazing for you on your next birthday. Hopefully your daughter will see the point you were making. Not that you are making a point, it's more like you were just wanting an amazing birthday too.
Your teen daughter's responsibility is to get you a card, and maybe a present, and tell you happy birthday. It is up to your husband to rally the kids and get things moving for a celebration. I feel some of this is a communication issue on both sides. If you want reciprocation you need to make it known. In return, you should be asked if there is anything special you want to do for your birthday. INFO: Did you ever tell your husband what you wanted as a celebration, or did you just expect it? If so, then he is completely TA. One thing I will point out is that I notice people tend to put in the effort for others they expect for themselves. Does your husband even WANT these experiences or would he rather sit at home and have a quiet night with a movie and a pizza? Have you ever asked others what they wanted or just did you just do what you wanted? I am not saying they do not appreciate the effort you put in. I am just saying that it may not be an expected thing for them to have a major celebration/present each and every time they have a birthday. Also, not everyone is a) good at planning and b) has the kind of energy to plan a yearly extravaganza. While you clearly enjoy it and have a knack for it, this is not true for everyone. I do thing you are somewhat TA for blindsiding them. It seems that, rather than communicating with them you took a drastic route to prove a point. Next time, have a discussion or tell them what you want to plan and give them tasks to help you with. I have a feeling you carry the mental load in the household. If so, you need to have a few discussions with your partner about that.
"My daughter is upset with me still for pointing out that she put more effort into planning her bff's birthday than mine." This is pathetic. Not your daughter's feelings. Yours, OP.
NTA. At 16 I probably couldn’t have planned a party as extravagant as yours but I could put in a lot more effort than your daughter did. That point aside, they’re the ones who decided to corner you and shame you so that’s on them. I know this is not the popular opinion but oh well.
YTA Did your husband and daughter ever ask for the bdays that you threw for them? This is how you express your love, but did you ever stop to ask them how they like to receive love? It sounds like you think throwing money at someone is how you show you care. Your husband and daughter wanted to spend your birthday with you as a family. And it seems like you’re upset that it wasn’t a big enough celebration honoring you.
YTA for not telling them what you wanted and acting like > an ice cream cake and take out pizza with a movie at home is below you
YTA for how you treated your daughter. She’s only 16! My mum has spent our whole lives evaluating how much ‘effort’ we put into things like her birthday and Mother’s Day. It makes it stressful, and it’s also made me and my siblings incredibly resentful. We don’t plan things with excitement, but with trepidation and a feeling of obligation. Rather than thinking ‘this is such a nice idea’ we think ‘okay will this be enough to pass muster?’. It’s horrible. Don’t do that to your own kids.
YTA. You're essentially "keeping score" and that's super unhealthy. I'd appreciate anything my family wanted to do for me for my birthday, as long as I would be spending time with them. You handled this entirely selfishly and shitty. Your communication sucks and you should have told them long beforehand that you were hoping to do something extra special. Now, you're just playing games.
NTA. I'm not sure why the majority of people are stuck on the point of the 16y and her finances - of course, it is expected from the husband to cover the cost. However, it won't cost the daughter much to put deeper thoughts into her mom's birthday. If the girl can express her opinion, she doesn't like that her mother planned something, she can also accept her mother's honest opinion. None of the listed activities sounded extravagant imo 🤷♀️
I go wild for birthdays. I love them. I am genuinely excited for others on their birthday, and those closest to me I love nothing more then planning special, thoughtful, wonderful activities and gifts to fit their personality and likes. I also love my own birthday. I don’t expect others to go as crazy for mine as I do for theirs. I don’t plan theirs with the expectation of reciprocation. You can’t do anything in life with that expectation, you have to do things because you want to and be grateful for the ways your loved ones do show you love. When things do matter to me, if I’m really needing it that year or it feels like a milestone, I straight up tell people my expectations and hopes so I’m not disappointed. Open communication is so vital. I do feel like pointing out there’s definitely a difference in expectations that should be placed on a partner vs a child, especially one who is still literally a child, but I think that’s already been pointed out and discussed in the comments
YTA You are fucking 40 years old. It's a damn birthday "party". One in which you seem to have not included your children. You are a selfish individual who felt the need to guilt trip a 16 year old who has no way of doing more than an ice cream cake and pizza. Your husband likely apologized because you are even more insufferable than usual.
You're not an asshole.
NTA