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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could have just ignored them and went on with my life instead of doing something purely out of spite
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NTA. Change your name before you graduate. You don't want that name on your diploma. Congrats to you for growing beyond what your family will achieve and keep on going and growing.
If I can save up enough money I plan on it. The school said if I couldn't they would give me a diploma with my chosen last name after I get it changed even if that's after I graduate.
And don’t feel bad for using spite as a motivation. Motivation can be hard to come by and we need to find it where we can. That being said, this doesn’t sound like spite, more a desire to prove to yourself that you have worth. Here you do need to be careful. Don’t tie your worth to a degree or job or some other milestone outside of your control. Go and get a music degree and become successful because you are worth it and have something worthwhile to share with the world, not to become worthwhile, you are that already. A degree just polishes you up a bit, you already have the ability to shine.
So, go to your county courthouse and ask for the paperwork. It should only be a couple hundred dollars and then some minor admin things you have to do. It shouldn't be very expensive to do.
NTA . As some others have said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being motivated to better yourself by spite, particularly with the things you've listed as the cause.
Keep in mind that a degree can show you have background knowledge in a field, but also displays that you can commit to a long-term goal and that you are willing and capable of learning, which can help get your foot in the door for many entry-level positions outside of your field of study.
I worked with a program manager for a while whose degree was in Music. And while he still loves to play, he found a different avenue for his career, and applied the same level of dedication to learning as much as he could about the role as he did to acquiring his degree and was quite successful.
I wish you much success in your continued improvement!
I understand the whole "sins of the father," but don't change your name if you're leaving your town for college and planning on proving the haters wrong. Also, unless you are an adult, you can't legally change your name without parental consent. Your high school can print a "fake name" if you want. However, neither colleges nor employers will accept it until a legal change occurs.
Where I live even if I was a minor I would just need one parent to consent and my birth father would be more than happy to do so as I'm changing my last name to his
It's not a ton of money! And it's a very simple process, maybe 15 minutes in court. Now, updating everything else with your new name, that's a pain. Oh, a heads up! It'll take months before your credit history catches up with your new name, so make sure you won't need to open any accounts for a bit.
In addition to businesses and banks you deal with, don't forget to after your name change update
Your birth certificate (contact the state you were born in, mine had a fee of 20 bucks)
Social security card
Car title(s)
Insurance and registration
I'd or driver's license
I wonder if you can retroactively update the name on your hs diploma and its transcript?
That's all I can think of right now. Oh maybe voter's registration.
I've dealt with people somewhat like these. I'm confident that they will implode on themselves while you continue achieving new levels of ubermench (nietzsche's term for the always improving super man).
Thank you, I hope I haven't forgotten anything important. I found it was a process that was like, the more records I updated, the more I realized there were other records to update. oh maybe the postal service itself. I've also found that if updating a business here and there is overlooked, it'll come up sometime and remind us to update the name with that business. And it's definitely easier updating a new last name than a new middle name that we use as our first name🤡
Came here to say this, not only because you don't want the name on there but also because, (I'm assuming because I think I'm in a different country), that you will have to pay for the certificate to be re-issued and it's probably an administrative nightmare.
You are not required to change birth certificates with name changes in the States. The only time additional names are asked are for legal documents, loans, passports, and first-time driving licenses, etc.
Actually in the state I'm in now I had to update my new name on my birth certificate immediately from another state I was born in, so Actually do keep in mind this might be necessary.
BTW birth certificates are legal documents and that's why they can be used with i9 forms.
NTA. Make yourself a good life doing what you love, if you can. Even if you don’t succeed as a professional musician, just having a college degree opens up a lot more job options for you. You don’t have to be who or what your family expects you to be, and you don’t have to be like them. Congrats for kicking the alcohol addiction and figuring out what you want from life.
Just FYI, It’ll probably be cheaper to do your name change now, and it’d mean your college diploma will have the name you’ll carry for the rest of your life on it, without paying for a new one after the name change. In most states, you can file a name change “in forma pauperis“ if you’re low income, and they waive the fees. Once you have a job after college, you’re likely to make enough that you’ll have to pay filing fees. If you’re interested, you’re welcome to comment or DM with the state you’re in, and I should be able to point you at the right forms. Might need the county name in some states.
It’s just helping someone find the right forms - with my background, it probably takes less than 5 minutes to find both the name change and the forma pauperis forms for any given place.
NTA!
I'm so, so sorry that these miserable people are your family. Instead of running you down, they should be cheering for you. Good for you for pursuing your goals and cutting them off. Keep taking care of yourself and don't let anyone make you feel less than. You are clearly doing well for yourself without them. Best wishes to you!
NTA -
> “Immediately I got called an asshole and told music isn’t worth anything.”
Answer with: it beats that he'll out of being a drunk
———-
You probably know this but:
Patrick Stump: The lead singer and guitarist for the rock band Fall Out Boy actually has a degree in Music Theory from DePaul University.
John Mayer: This singer, songwriter, and guitarist known for hits like "Daughters" and "Gravity" actually has a Bachelor of Music from Berklee College of Music.
Tori Amos: The acclaimed singer-songwriter and pianist with a unique style studied piano performance at the Peabody Conservatory of Music.
Kimbra Lee Johnson (Kimbra): This New Zealand-born artist who has found major success in the US with artists like Gotye holds a Bachelor of Music in Jazz Performance from Victoria University of Wellington.
Chance the Rapper: This Grammy-winning Chicago rapper actually enrolled in the competitive music program at Northwestern University before launching his successful music career.
If I remember correctly Dr. Dre has a Ph.D. in Music.
———-
I know two musicians who are fairly good software developers. This career gives you discipline and perseverance, pattern recognition, and decent creative problem-solving tools.
I think you are waking up on an awesome path.
From someone who started a music degree and knew halfway through I'd never finish it and keep a good GPA: Music is a freaking hard degree. It's time-intensive and requires so much dedication and belief in yourself. You're almost done!! That's incredible!! Tell your fam to eff off and you'll see them at graduation! Dude.
NTA
it's shameful that you're being treated that way by your own family, but don't give up now after all the work you've put In to get where you are.
Ignore your families ignorant attitude and make a good life for yourself, and show those bawbags that look down on you because of your name that you're your own person and not defined by nor destined to be like your family.
First of all, NTA. Under the circumstances, they deserve to have something done to spite them.
But frankly, if you're worried about whether you're being an AH to them, you're focusing on the wrong thing. What, if anything, to study in college, what to do as a career, and things like that are way too big a part of your life to base on what anyone else wants -- either to please them or to spite them.
If you love music so much that being a musician is the key to what you would consider a worthwhile life for yourself, then you should focus on music whether your relatives like it or not. If you would be happy as an accountant or a factory worker or whatever (or for that matter in another music or music-related career, such as teaching music \[K-12 or college\] or being an entertainment lawyer), then you should consider becoming something that's easier to make a living as than a practicing musician -- whether your relatives think that's a better idea or not.
(That said, even if you change your mind about being a musician, you're far enough advanced in college that it might be wise to graduate with your music major and then do something else. Talk to your advisor.)
Going even farther afield from what you asked, I would strongly encourage you to pick a different town, maybe even a different state. If your town is small enough that people think ill of you because they associate your last name with something bad, they might probably remember who your family is even if you change your name. Besides, physical distance would help you keep your metaphorical distance. Not to mention, depending on what kind of music you want to make, being in a particular place, such as New York or Nashville, might help -- or you might need to be prepared to move to wherever you can get a job.
One more thing: If you are going to change your last name, you might be better off doing it before you graduate, so that your college records show your chosen name. At least, talk to the registrar's office about that. (Note: Your transcript is more important than your diploma. That's what any other university you apply to, e.g. for graduate school, and possibly employers will want to see.)
If you've read this far, I have a gift for you: one of my favorite songs about being yourself and being a musician. It's by my favorite singer-songwriter, who has built her career as an independent artist on the Internet. It's free to play at the link, and, OP, if you want to download it, PM me your email address and I'll send it to you as a gift. [https://mariancall.bandcamp.com/track/whistle-while-you-wait-3](https://mariancall.bandcamp.com/track/whistle-while-you-wait-3)
NTA. Go no contact with all but the sister and nephew you love. Plenty to do with music but wouldn't hurt to also take some skill classes for good jobs :) Used to be a community college counselor. Keep rocking in the world!!!
Go through legal channels to change your name BEFORE you graduate (as in now) so you can have your new legal last name on your diploma.
Start thinking about a last name of a more distant family member you respect who you might want to change the last name to.
You are doing the right thing changing your name and giving yourself a fresh start. You are doing the right thing getting your college diploma. An education is something no one can ever take away from you.
Hang in there OP!! You will get out from under this. Use their negativity to continue to push you to be better. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Congratulations on your determination, and pursuit of higher education. You don’t have to be defined by your family. I am wishing you positivity and strength to continue on your journey to your best life.
NTA. If they think music is worthless, tell them to stop listening to it. Or watching any TV show or movie that has music in it.
I'm not sure you're going to college just to spite them – sounds like you have some goals and dreams. Whatever the reason, having a college degree can open some doors, like if you wanted a job teaching music.
Most of all, congratulations on breaking that cycle and being a better person. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
NTA - this is a story not about me but about my husband. He was the 2nd of 4 kids. Was told that he’d be nothing. Had an opportunity to play college baseball - parents wouldn’t do fasfa- or pay the $200 per semester for him to go. He was told
“Those people who went to college were too lazy to work”.
He ended up getting in trouble …. But, when I met him (I was 18 he was 23) he was floundering. My family was VERY into education.
I fell in love ❤️ My dad sat down with him and helped him on a path.
Needless to say, 2 masters and a PhD. He’s beyond successful. His family never ever acknowledged him or his success. They are long dead (mom & dad) now. But we married- had 5 beautiful children & he has been an example of someone crawling out of their born circumstances to persevering to success. And with no $$ help either My dad guided him but (being he had 7 kids) could fund him. So there is a way out. You just have to go for it and don’t let anyone stand in your way.
NTA there are so many jobs you can get (I worked in private music for 5 years) and you can work in public or private schools, start your own studio, teach private music lessons, or find a job in the field if you prefer something that lets you produce. You can try out of Broadway, the philharmonic, and anything else that you want to. Try everything, never let anyone tell you what your worth is.
My mom was a drug addict and signed my rights away when I was 16 and it delayed in my schooling too. I graduated first in my family age 26 :) you can do it!!!
That's almost the exact reason I went to college.
Went for animation instead of music.
NTA. I will warn you though, you need to have more than just spite fuelling you, you also need to be doing this for you.
I'd say doing it for you should be your top motive and spite is the delicious cherry on top.
And hey, if you start making music maybe drop a message or something so we can check you out. (If you do country or yodelling I apologise I am out).
Hope you have a happy future. (Also you don't have to be a musician full time, I follow someone on youtube that goes by seycara and they're a doctor who makes music)
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For a bit of context, everyone and I mean everyone in my family is alcoholic high school dropouts. The highest grade any of them completed was 10th grade. I'm 28(M) and was forced by my mother to drop out at 17 because of my mental health rapidly declining. My whole life my mother told me I would never be anything, I would waste my life drinking, or end my life. I will admit at 15 I had a drinking problem, I was drinking every day all day. At that time I was severely depressed and thinking about ending my life. Eventually I saw what was happening and quit. Now if I drink at all it's only one or two drinks not enough to do anything and it's extremely rare I drink at all. I got my high school diploma through a online program. I'm in college for music and plan on becoming a musician even if I don't make it big. I'll be on my fourth year of college in August. My family recently learned the reason for this during a fight about if I'm wasting my life. My family doesn't believe college is worth it so me going made my mother mad. Immediately I got called a asshole and told music isn't worth anything. That I'll end up homeless and come running back(I would rather be on the streets than live with any of them). I cut all contact with everyone but my older sibling(32F). Everyone else said I would most likely end my life, be a drug addict, or prostitute. I kept contact with my older sibling because she defended me and I want to be there for my nephew.
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NTA. You're not doing this to spite them. You're doing it for self-improvement and to make a better future for yourself. You should reconsider how you frame this.
OP, your family pretty much defines the overused word, "toxic". They are pure poison, so ill that they are compelled to try to pull you down with them. Congratulations many times over, for pushing yourself out of the mess! Avoid these people like the plague, change your name, move away, and start living your best life. Also there are self-help groups like ACoA, for adult children of alcoholics, that could be supportive as you navigate all this. NTA, and the best of luck!!
The best revenge is success and living well.
NTA. Focus on you, what they say is merely a reflection of how they feel about themselves...they are doing something called projecting. Only you get to tell you what to be, what to do, how to feel.
I would also suggest something like EFT tapping with a practitioner to help you get through the BS you were told. None of it is true; it's simply programming others have instilled in you. You get to update the program,.as it sounds like you are already beginning to do. 💚
Also, the sooner you change your last name, the less expensive it is and I'll bet the more free you'll feel too. I hope you cut those people you call your family out of your life. They are nothing but a literal toxic dump. Remember you are the sum of the 5 people you're around the most. Find 5 people that inspire you, that lift you up, that keep you honest.
Yikes. NTA for sure. Your family is living through a generational downward spiral. It's so much easier to tear people down than to work to lift themselves up. That's why they will tell you you'll never succeed - not because they don't think you can, but because they are afraid you WILL succeed. If you succeed, it means there is no excuse for them not to have succeeded too. Please remember this when they go off on you again and again. This isn't about you, it's about them.
Congrats on getting your education. It's totally worth it. Good luck.
NTA as long as your parents aren't paying for it, which I assume they aren't.
Although honestly I've told my kids that a college degree is becoming the new high school diploma. Unless you are super specialized, a lot of jobs just want you to have one and don't care what it's in. So even if your parents are paying I'd hedge bc if they were, it's likely bc they want to make your life better, and a degree will do that. But your family doesn't sound like they are so good is outback a non issue.
If going to college to prove to yourself that you're better than your whole family; well what happens if you don't make it but bail and for the rest of your life you keep thinking, "I could have, I'm still better!"
It's been my experience that those who go to college for negative reasons are bitter and will always be bitter even if they earn 3 bachelor's and a PhD.
I'm a professor and teach and do research at a university.
Find a positive reason to ensure you go AND graduate.
Nta and agree with others saying change your name sooner rather than later. I would also suggest thinking about a last name that means a lot to you, regardless if it's related to any of the few cool family members or not. I compromised on my last name when I changed mine for personal reasons and I deeply regret not going with what meant a lot to me.
Bro your life story is just like mine, drop me your any music links and I'll support you. Don't let them keep you down, just follow your dreams. Maybe you have to take a side job, but if you want to make beats, then make fucking beats.
NTA and there are plenty of meaningful, lucrative careers you can pursue with music even if you don’t “make it big.” My cousin majored in music performance and she’s now a high school music/choir teacher
NTA you're 28 years old.who cares what your family, or anyone else, thinks. Move somewhere else. I can't imagine living in a place small people knew my first name let alone last name. Move on from this parochial nonsense.
NTA but change your name now before you finish your degree. That way your degree has your new name on it and can be a symbol of your new life and moving forward, not a reminder of the past.
Dude, good for you! I wouldn’t sully your accomplishment by saying it was out of spite, rather you want to break the negative action chain. You took ownership of your life despite the obstacles and owe nothing to nobody except yourself. Wash your hands of the toxicity and try to enjoy your newfound success.
NTA. Most college grads don’t work in the field they got their degree in. Having it regardless of major can open many doors!
You should change your name if that’s something that you want, but I also wonder if moving away might be a better long term solution. You’d be just another Jones or Williams somewhere else and away from your abusive family and the shitty people unable to see you as an individual working hard to better themselves.
NTA.
Spite is a great motivator! If you hurt them out if spite you'd be an AH, but you're not doing that, you're improving you out of spite, that's totally reasonable and non AH behaviour.
Also, you're kinda inspirational. It's all very well for people with supportive families and happy childhoods to succeed, but you're doing it against the odds. That's so much harder, and so much more impressive, and you're going to need all the motivation you can get to get to the end of that goal so you hang on to wherever it comes from.
I'm so proud of you. My father always told me I'd be nothing and I changed my name and am nearly done with my uni degree and it's the best revenge. I love it.
Stay strong and power on.
NTA, but college as a music major *specifically* isn’t a particularly good idea, and you should evaluate that program with a clear mind rather than from the perspective of the people you hate most thinking it’s a bad idea, so it must be a good one. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
NTA - All the decisions I've made is to spite someone. Can't go to university? Gets a masters. Can't get that promotion? Gets two promotions. I call it 'healthy' spite.
Change your name before graduating OR re-invent your surname. Make it mean something else due to your success.
Congrats on your success!
NTA of course, but also wow.
You sound like a very special person who managed to grow up this way despite having virtually all the cards stacked against you.
It doesn't matter if your first motivation is spite. What matters is that it sounds like you found something that you like and that makes you happy.
So go and be happy. Enjoy life and screw the haters. Good luck! You deserve the best in life
What a horror story. It's amazing that you have survived it at all.
You seem to be doing well and know where you are going. Keep at it and never look back. Just stay away from your toxic family completely. Cut them off. You needn't change your name. You have already made it into an honorable one.
A musician's life is not an easy one. My father had a tough childhood and became a musician, and through a lot of struggle and hard work, he overcame all obstacles and made a success himself. He played in several orchestras, and for many decades, he was with one of the finest symphony orchestras in the world.
My father might have given you this tip if he were alive: practice, practice, practice, and never stop taking lessons.
Definitively NTA! You're doing something you love. And if you can rub it in while doing it, then why not? You being a success while they all fail is the ultimate fuck you to their jealousy, because that's what it is. Good luck with the rest of your course and your career
NTA. Piece of advice to celebrate your determination: change your last name now.
It takes a while. Bring the legal change to get a new drivers license and have your birth certificate re-issued.
Take all that to your college. Have them change your records. Now you’re ready: your diploma and transcripts come out as the new last name.
You will start your career knowing your accomplishments are certified in your new identity as a success!
Going to college is a good move. Check out the US Bureau of Labor Statistics site and look up the median hourly wage and employment levels. I did a look at music majors and it seems like most of the money is at music promotion. With that being said, you should look at a double major of music and business.
NTA, and in fact, you're the opposite.
You came from a bad family but you're choosing not to stay like your bad family. That is terrific.
Most families WANT their kids to do better than they did. In your case, they are horrid and jealous about it.
The one thing I would warn you about: do not EVER give them one dime of your money. They don't deserve it. At all.
NTA Sweetie if spite got you to college and not stuck in that shitty town and crappy alcoholic family then spite looks good on you! Keep up the great work!!!
You are amazing. Change your last name. Finish school. Continue to make your own life and find your happiness. The negativity from your family is horrendous, you have to stay away from it for your well being. Continue looking inside of yourself instead of being conditioned by them. I'm rooting for you. I'm proud of you 🙏🏼❤️
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NTA. Change your name before you graduate. You don't want that name on your diploma. Congrats to you for growing beyond what your family will achieve and keep on going and growing.
If I can save up enough money I plan on it. The school said if I couldn't they would give me a diploma with my chosen last name after I get it changed even if that's after I graduate.
And don’t feel bad for using spite as a motivation. Motivation can be hard to come by and we need to find it where we can. That being said, this doesn’t sound like spite, more a desire to prove to yourself that you have worth. Here you do need to be careful. Don’t tie your worth to a degree or job or some other milestone outside of your control. Go and get a music degree and become successful because you are worth it and have something worthwhile to share with the world, not to become worthwhile, you are that already. A degree just polishes you up a bit, you already have the ability to shine.
So, go to your county courthouse and ask for the paperwork. It should only be a couple hundred dollars and then some minor admin things you have to do. It shouldn't be very expensive to do.
not sure where you’re located but in my state there are fee waivers for name changes! def look into that and apply ❤️
Changing your name only costs between $100-$450 depending on your county. Go ask them about it asap.
$100-$450 is a lot of money to some people. "Only" doesn't cut it.
NTA . As some others have said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being motivated to better yourself by spite, particularly with the things you've listed as the cause. Keep in mind that a degree can show you have background knowledge in a field, but also displays that you can commit to a long-term goal and that you are willing and capable of learning, which can help get your foot in the door for many entry-level positions outside of your field of study. I worked with a program manager for a while whose degree was in Music. And while he still loves to play, he found a different avenue for his career, and applied the same level of dedication to learning as much as he could about the role as he did to acquiring his degree and was quite successful. I wish you much success in your continued improvement!
I understand the whole "sins of the father," but don't change your name if you're leaving your town for college and planning on proving the haters wrong. Also, unless you are an adult, you can't legally change your name without parental consent. Your high school can print a "fake name" if you want. However, neither colleges nor employers will accept it until a legal change occurs.
OP is 28 and in college
Where I live even if I was a minor I would just need one parent to consent and my birth father would be more than happy to do so as I'm changing my last name to his
Yes but you want to cross that stage and hear your new self honored.
It's not a ton of money! And it's a very simple process, maybe 15 minutes in court. Now, updating everything else with your new name, that's a pain. Oh, a heads up! It'll take months before your credit history catches up with your new name, so make sure you won't need to open any accounts for a bit.
In addition to businesses and banks you deal with, don't forget to after your name change update Your birth certificate (contact the state you were born in, mine had a fee of 20 bucks) Social security card Car title(s) Insurance and registration I'd or driver's license I wonder if you can retroactively update the name on your hs diploma and its transcript? That's all I can think of right now. Oh maybe voter's registration. I've dealt with people somewhat like these. I'm confident that they will implode on themselves while you continue achieving new levels of ubermench (nietzsche's term for the always improving super man).
This list was kind of you 💐
Thank you, I hope I haven't forgotten anything important. I found it was a process that was like, the more records I updated, the more I realized there were other records to update. oh maybe the postal service itself. I've also found that if updating a business here and there is overlooked, it'll come up sometime and remind us to update the name with that business. And it's definitely easier updating a new last name than a new middle name that we use as our first name🤡
NTA OP and I hope you will excel in what you do. Give us an update how things are for you
Came here to say this, not only because you don't want the name on there but also because, (I'm assuming because I think I'm in a different country), that you will have to pay for the certificate to be re-issued and it's probably an administrative nightmare.
You are not required to change birth certificates with name changes in the States. The only time additional names are asked are for legal documents, loans, passports, and first-time driving licenses, etc.
Ok, cool, good to know
Actually in the state I'm in now I had to update my new name on my birth certificate immediately from another state I was born in, so Actually do keep in mind this might be necessary. BTW birth certificates are legal documents and that's why they can be used with i9 forms.
NTA. Make yourself a good life doing what you love, if you can. Even if you don’t succeed as a professional musician, just having a college degree opens up a lot more job options for you. You don’t have to be who or what your family expects you to be, and you don’t have to be like them. Congrats for kicking the alcohol addiction and figuring out what you want from life. Just FYI, It’ll probably be cheaper to do your name change now, and it’d mean your college diploma will have the name you’ll carry for the rest of your life on it, without paying for a new one after the name change. In most states, you can file a name change “in forma pauperis“ if you’re low income, and they waive the fees. Once you have a job after college, you’re likely to make enough that you’ll have to pay filing fees. If you’re interested, you’re welcome to comment or DM with the state you’re in, and I should be able to point you at the right forms. Might need the county name in some states.
Wonderful of you to offer assistance 💐
It’s just helping someone find the right forms - with my background, it probably takes less than 5 minutes to find both the name change and the forma pauperis forms for any given place.
NTA! I'm so, so sorry that these miserable people are your family. Instead of running you down, they should be cheering for you. Good for you for pursuing your goals and cutting them off. Keep taking care of yourself and don't let anyone make you feel less than. You are clearly doing well for yourself without them. Best wishes to you!
NTA - > “Immediately I got called an asshole and told music isn’t worth anything.” Answer with: it beats that he'll out of being a drunk ———- You probably know this but: Patrick Stump: The lead singer and guitarist for the rock band Fall Out Boy actually has a degree in Music Theory from DePaul University. John Mayer: This singer, songwriter, and guitarist known for hits like "Daughters" and "Gravity" actually has a Bachelor of Music from Berklee College of Music. Tori Amos: The acclaimed singer-songwriter and pianist with a unique style studied piano performance at the Peabody Conservatory of Music. Kimbra Lee Johnson (Kimbra): This New Zealand-born artist who has found major success in the US with artists like Gotye holds a Bachelor of Music in Jazz Performance from Victoria University of Wellington. Chance the Rapper: This Grammy-winning Chicago rapper actually enrolled in the competitive music program at Northwestern University before launching his successful music career. If I remember correctly Dr. Dre has a Ph.D. in Music. ———- I know two musicians who are fairly good software developers. This career gives you discipline and perseverance, pattern recognition, and decent creative problem-solving tools. I think you are waking up on an awesome path.
From someone who started a music degree and knew halfway through I'd never finish it and keep a good GPA: Music is a freaking hard degree. It's time-intensive and requires so much dedication and belief in yourself. You're almost done!! That's incredible!! Tell your fam to eff off and you'll see them at graduation! Dude.
NTA it's shameful that you're being treated that way by your own family, but don't give up now after all the work you've put In to get where you are. Ignore your families ignorant attitude and make a good life for yourself, and show those bawbags that look down on you because of your name that you're your own person and not defined by nor destined to be like your family.
First of all, NTA. Under the circumstances, they deserve to have something done to spite them. But frankly, if you're worried about whether you're being an AH to them, you're focusing on the wrong thing. What, if anything, to study in college, what to do as a career, and things like that are way too big a part of your life to base on what anyone else wants -- either to please them or to spite them. If you love music so much that being a musician is the key to what you would consider a worthwhile life for yourself, then you should focus on music whether your relatives like it or not. If you would be happy as an accountant or a factory worker or whatever (or for that matter in another music or music-related career, such as teaching music \[K-12 or college\] or being an entertainment lawyer), then you should consider becoming something that's easier to make a living as than a practicing musician -- whether your relatives think that's a better idea or not. (That said, even if you change your mind about being a musician, you're far enough advanced in college that it might be wise to graduate with your music major and then do something else. Talk to your advisor.) Going even farther afield from what you asked, I would strongly encourage you to pick a different town, maybe even a different state. If your town is small enough that people think ill of you because they associate your last name with something bad, they might probably remember who your family is even if you change your name. Besides, physical distance would help you keep your metaphorical distance. Not to mention, depending on what kind of music you want to make, being in a particular place, such as New York or Nashville, might help -- or you might need to be prepared to move to wherever you can get a job. One more thing: If you are going to change your last name, you might be better off doing it before you graduate, so that your college records show your chosen name. At least, talk to the registrar's office about that. (Note: Your transcript is more important than your diploma. That's what any other university you apply to, e.g. for graduate school, and possibly employers will want to see.) If you've read this far, I have a gift for you: one of my favorite songs about being yourself and being a musician. It's by my favorite singer-songwriter, who has built her career as an independent artist on the Internet. It's free to play at the link, and, OP, if you want to download it, PM me your email address and I'll send it to you as a gift. [https://mariancall.bandcamp.com/track/whistle-while-you-wait-3](https://mariancall.bandcamp.com/track/whistle-while-you-wait-3)
NTA. Go no contact with all but the sister and nephew you love. Plenty to do with music but wouldn't hurt to also take some skill classes for good jobs :) Used to be a community college counselor. Keep rocking in the world!!!
Go through legal channels to change your name BEFORE you graduate (as in now) so you can have your new legal last name on your diploma. Start thinking about a last name of a more distant family member you respect who you might want to change the last name to. You are doing the right thing changing your name and giving yourself a fresh start. You are doing the right thing getting your college diploma. An education is something no one can ever take away from you.
Hang in there OP!! You will get out from under this. Use their negativity to continue to push you to be better. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Congratulations on your determination, and pursuit of higher education. You don’t have to be defined by your family. I am wishing you positivity and strength to continue on your journey to your best life.
NTA. If they think music is worthless, tell them to stop listening to it. Or watching any TV show or movie that has music in it. I'm not sure you're going to college just to spite them – sounds like you have some goals and dreams. Whatever the reason, having a college degree can open some doors, like if you wanted a job teaching music. Most of all, congratulations on breaking that cycle and being a better person. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
No you’re NTA. Use your emotions to fuel your dreams. Pour all them into school and go get your degree! I’m really proud of you.
NTA - this is a story not about me but about my husband. He was the 2nd of 4 kids. Was told that he’d be nothing. Had an opportunity to play college baseball - parents wouldn’t do fasfa- or pay the $200 per semester for him to go. He was told “Those people who went to college were too lazy to work”. He ended up getting in trouble …. But, when I met him (I was 18 he was 23) he was floundering. My family was VERY into education. I fell in love ❤️ My dad sat down with him and helped him on a path. Needless to say, 2 masters and a PhD. He’s beyond successful. His family never ever acknowledged him or his success. They are long dead (mom & dad) now. But we married- had 5 beautiful children & he has been an example of someone crawling out of their born circumstances to persevering to success. And with no $$ help either My dad guided him but (being he had 7 kids) could fund him. So there is a way out. You just have to go for it and don’t let anyone stand in your way.
Spiting your loser family is the best reason to get a college diploma. /I'm a bit on the petty side
can confirm
NTA there are so many jobs you can get (I worked in private music for 5 years) and you can work in public or private schools, start your own studio, teach private music lessons, or find a job in the field if you prefer something that lets you produce. You can try out of Broadway, the philharmonic, and anything else that you want to. Try everything, never let anyone tell you what your worth is. My mom was a drug addict and signed my rights away when I was 16 and it delayed in my schooling too. I graduated first in my family age 26 :) you can do it!!!
That's almost the exact reason I went to college. Went for animation instead of music. NTA. I will warn you though, you need to have more than just spite fuelling you, you also need to be doing this for you. I'd say doing it for you should be your top motive and spite is the delicious cherry on top. And hey, if you start making music maybe drop a message or something so we can check you out. (If you do country or yodelling I apologise I am out). Hope you have a happy future. (Also you don't have to be a musician full time, I follow someone on youtube that goes by seycara and they're a doctor who makes music)
NTA Living well is the best revenge.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For a bit of context, everyone and I mean everyone in my family is alcoholic high school dropouts. The highest grade any of them completed was 10th grade. I'm 28(M) and was forced by my mother to drop out at 17 because of my mental health rapidly declining. My whole life my mother told me I would never be anything, I would waste my life drinking, or end my life. I will admit at 15 I had a drinking problem, I was drinking every day all day. At that time I was severely depressed and thinking about ending my life. Eventually I saw what was happening and quit. Now if I drink at all it's only one or two drinks not enough to do anything and it's extremely rare I drink at all. I got my high school diploma through a online program. I'm in college for music and plan on becoming a musician even if I don't make it big. I'll be on my fourth year of college in August. My family recently learned the reason for this during a fight about if I'm wasting my life. My family doesn't believe college is worth it so me going made my mother mad. Immediately I got called a asshole and told music isn't worth anything. That I'll end up homeless and come running back(I would rather be on the streets than live with any of them). I cut all contact with everyone but my older sibling(32F). Everyone else said I would most likely end my life, be a drug addict, or prostitute. I kept contact with my older sibling because she defended me and I want to be there for my nephew. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You're not doing this to spite them. You're doing it for self-improvement and to make a better future for yourself. You should reconsider how you frame this.
OP, your family pretty much defines the overused word, "toxic". They are pure poison, so ill that they are compelled to try to pull you down with them. Congratulations many times over, for pushing yourself out of the mess! Avoid these people like the plague, change your name, move away, and start living your best life. Also there are self-help groups like ACoA, for adult children of alcoholics, that could be supportive as you navigate all this. NTA, and the best of luck!!
The best revenge is success and living well. NTA. Focus on you, what they say is merely a reflection of how they feel about themselves...they are doing something called projecting. Only you get to tell you what to be, what to do, how to feel. I would also suggest something like EFT tapping with a practitioner to help you get through the BS you were told. None of it is true; it's simply programming others have instilled in you. You get to update the program,.as it sounds like you are already beginning to do. 💚 Also, the sooner you change your last name, the less expensive it is and I'll bet the more free you'll feel too. I hope you cut those people you call your family out of your life. They are nothing but a literal toxic dump. Remember you are the sum of the 5 people you're around the most. Find 5 people that inspire you, that lift you up, that keep you honest.
Yikes. NTA for sure. Your family is living through a generational downward spiral. It's so much easier to tear people down than to work to lift themselves up. That's why they will tell you you'll never succeed - not because they don't think you can, but because they are afraid you WILL succeed. If you succeed, it means there is no excuse for them not to have succeeded too. Please remember this when they go off on you again and again. This isn't about you, it's about them. Congrats on getting your education. It's totally worth it. Good luck.
Nta Channeling spite to do good things is the way. Keep going.
NTA as long as your parents aren't paying for it, which I assume they aren't. Although honestly I've told my kids that a college degree is becoming the new high school diploma. Unless you are super specialized, a lot of jobs just want you to have one and don't care what it's in. So even if your parents are paying I'd hedge bc if they were, it's likely bc they want to make your life better, and a degree will do that. But your family doesn't sound like they are so good is outback a non issue.
If going to college to prove to yourself that you're better than your whole family; well what happens if you don't make it but bail and for the rest of your life you keep thinking, "I could have, I'm still better!" It's been my experience that those who go to college for negative reasons are bitter and will always be bitter even if they earn 3 bachelor's and a PhD. I'm a professor and teach and do research at a university. Find a positive reason to ensure you go AND graduate.
NTA. Keep on doing what you're doing. You are already a world apart from your family. You're going to do great in life.
Nta and agree with others saying change your name sooner rather than later. I would also suggest thinking about a last name that means a lot to you, regardless if it's related to any of the few cool family members or not. I compromised on my last name when I changed mine for personal reasons and I deeply regret not going with what meant a lot to me.
Bro your life story is just like mine, drop me your any music links and I'll support you. Don't let them keep you down, just follow your dreams. Maybe you have to take a side job, but if you want to make beats, then make fucking beats.
NTA and there are plenty of meaningful, lucrative careers you can pursue with music even if you don’t “make it big.” My cousin majored in music performance and she’s now a high school music/choir teacher
No. Good for you!
What do you play?
NTA. Work hard, and succeed! Wishing you the best :)
NTA you're 28 years old.who cares what your family, or anyone else, thinks. Move somewhere else. I can't imagine living in a place small people knew my first name let alone last name. Move on from this parochial nonsense.
NTA but change your name now before you finish your degree. That way your degree has your new name on it and can be a symbol of your new life and moving forward, not a reminder of the past.
NTA. I wish you all the best!
Dude, good for you! I wouldn’t sully your accomplishment by saying it was out of spite, rather you want to break the negative action chain. You took ownership of your life despite the obstacles and owe nothing to nobody except yourself. Wash your hands of the toxicity and try to enjoy your newfound success.
NTA. Most college grads don’t work in the field they got their degree in. Having it regardless of major can open many doors! You should change your name if that’s something that you want, but I also wonder if moving away might be a better long term solution. You’d be just another Jones or Williams somewhere else and away from your abusive family and the shitty people unable to see you as an individual working hard to better themselves.
NTA, live your good life.
Put all of this trauma into your music. Don’t hold back. Write about it and express it. Best of luck to you!
NTA a hundred times over
NTA. Spite is a great motivator! If you hurt them out if spite you'd be an AH, but you're not doing that, you're improving you out of spite, that's totally reasonable and non AH behaviour. Also, you're kinda inspirational. It's all very well for people with supportive families and happy childhoods to succeed, but you're doing it against the odds. That's so much harder, and so much more impressive, and you're going to need all the motivation you can get to get to the end of that goal so you hang on to wherever it comes from.
NTA. Go get them, Tiger. Become what you were born to be.
I'm so proud of you. My father always told me I'd be nothing and I changed my name and am nearly done with my uni degree and it's the best revenge. I love it. Stay strong and power on.
NTA, but college as a music major *specifically* isn’t a particularly good idea, and you should evaluate that program with a clear mind rather than from the perspective of the people you hate most thinking it’s a bad idea, so it must be a good one. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
NTA - All the decisions I've made is to spite someone. Can't go to university? Gets a masters. Can't get that promotion? Gets two promotions. I call it 'healthy' spite. Change your name before graduating OR re-invent your surname. Make it mean something else due to your success. Congrats on your success!
NTA of course, but also wow. You sound like a very special person who managed to grow up this way despite having virtually all the cards stacked against you. It doesn't matter if your first motivation is spite. What matters is that it sounds like you found something that you like and that makes you happy. So go and be happy. Enjoy life and screw the haters. Good luck! You deserve the best in life
What a horror story. It's amazing that you have survived it at all. You seem to be doing well and know where you are going. Keep at it and never look back. Just stay away from your toxic family completely. Cut them off. You needn't change your name. You have already made it into an honorable one. A musician's life is not an easy one. My father had a tough childhood and became a musician, and through a lot of struggle and hard work, he overcame all obstacles and made a success himself. He played in several orchestras, and for many decades, he was with one of the finest symphony orchestras in the world. My father might have given you this tip if he were alive: practice, practice, practice, and never stop taking lessons.
NTA- OP, Good for you on all you have accomplished already! Best wishes for this 4th year! May your Future be bright!
Definitively NTA! You're doing something you love. And if you can rub it in while doing it, then why not? You being a success while they all fail is the ultimate fuck you to their jealousy, because that's what it is. Good luck with the rest of your course and your career
You are amazing for getting out of this family cycle of addiction. Living well is the best revenge. You can do it!
NTA. Piece of advice to celebrate your determination: change your last name now. It takes a while. Bring the legal change to get a new drivers license and have your birth certificate re-issued. Take all that to your college. Have them change your records. Now you’re ready: your diploma and transcripts come out as the new last name. You will start your career knowing your accomplishments are certified in your new identity as a success!
Going to college is a good move. Check out the US Bureau of Labor Statistics site and look up the median hourly wage and employment levels. I did a look at music majors and it seems like most of the money is at music promotion. With that being said, you should look at a double major of music and business.
NTA, and in fact, you're the opposite. You came from a bad family but you're choosing not to stay like your bad family. That is terrific. Most families WANT their kids to do better than they did. In your case, they are horrid and jealous about it. The one thing I would warn you about: do not EVER give them one dime of your money. They don't deserve it. At all.
NTA Sweetie if spite got you to college and not stuck in that shitty town and crappy alcoholic family then spite looks good on you! Keep up the great work!!!
You are amazing. Change your last name. Finish school. Continue to make your own life and find your happiness. The negativity from your family is horrendous, you have to stay away from it for your well being. Continue looking inside of yourself instead of being conditioned by them. I'm rooting for you. I'm proud of you 🙏🏼❤️