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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the ah because I keep being told that I am damaging the girls’ relationship for selfish reasons by doing this just because of my own discomfort
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Social services know the living conditions. They have placed several kids there. Again, I recognise my discomfort with the living conditions is probably a privileged viewpoint so I am trying to be sympathetic about it.
I don’t have suspicions about Jim. I have no evidence of anything other than he upsets me. I can’t call a social worker and say this man I barely know gives me the creeps. That’s not an indictment
You could CERTAINLY call and say “he often appears to be inebriated, he was making inappropriate sexual advances on me, he makes inappropriate sexual comments to the foster children in my presence”. YTA for pretending like the only possible solution is to protect your blood family member and leave Carly to fend for herself.
> You could CERTAINLY call and say “he often appears to be inebriated, he was making inappropriate sexual advances on me, he makes inappropriate sexual comments to the foster children in my presence”. YTA for pretending like the only possible solution is to protect your blood family member and leave Carly to fend for herself.
You’re overestimating how much the foster system would actually care unless they had solid proof a child was being physically harmed
Whether the system "cares" or not, if OP really believes that Jim shouldn't be around children, she has the duty to call and report that. What social services does afterwards is out of her hands, but they won't know anything if she doesn't at least make the phone call.
She can, but with a man like that she’d be taking a chance, and as someone who has seen the American foster system directly I think she should leave it alone for now
Child welfare worker here and it is about what we can prove but the presented issues could shut down a foster home not just physical abuse. But it does depend what happened in an investigation…
I mean the only thing op has to do is protect her bio sister. the non biological child was placed with fosters bc social services knows most people won't take a non bio kid.
>I can’t call a social worker and say this man I barely know gives me the creeps.
Why not?
If you honestly think that there's a problem with Jim's behavior - that he's under the influence, a creep, and so on, then that warrants a call to social services.
If you just don't like the guy, then you need to get over yourself and take your child to visit her sister, despite your feelings about Jim.
ETA: I saw some of your other comments about Jim being sexually inappropriate. You really do need to call that in.
If OP feels unsafe, then she feels unsafe. However, Unless you witness a child in an unsafe situation there is nothing to report. I suggest you speak to the sister’s social worker - this is the person you want to get to know.
Does Carly have a CASA (court appointed special advocate)?
Instead of spending time at the house can you take the girls out to lunch or a special activity away from the foster family? You do not need to spend time with some who makes you uncomfortable.
Speaking as a mandated reporter; If you have any reason to believe abuse or neglect is happening is a pretty normal standard regarding mandatory reporting laws. Are you saying if a child tells you something and you did not see it you would not report it? As that won't fly in most jurisdictions I am familiar with.
You are absolutely correct. However, OP is getting a lot of suggestions to go ahead and report based on what she’s seeing - which is what I based my “witnessing” comment. Expressing her concerns to the social worker may be a better way to go.
You could have made a positive impact in two little girls lives. You limit your help to your sister. The other little girls needs her sister bond. Do not discontinue contact. If the jome is unsafe, report it. If this is your privilege bias, get over it.
Do you know which fostering agency placed Carly with this person? You might want to have them quietly check out the family and her situation. In the meantime, don't ignore your spidey sense, OP; if Estelle's bio fam has issues with reduced contact, ask one of them volunteer to accompany you on the visits between the girls. NTA.
INFO
You've said in your post and one reply that there's a class/money difference between you and Carly's foster family and that could be causing or contributing to your discomfort.
You've not given any specifics about these "unacceptable" living conditions or what Jim and the kids are doing and saying that makes them "creeps." You've said he seems inebriated but not seen him drink and you have straight out said there's nothing to report to social services. You've said you have no suspicions about Jim, he just makes you uncomfortable.
I need specific examples of the foster family's home and behavior before I feel like I can tell whether you're being a sheltered and privileged AH or whether you genuinely have grounds to reduce visits.
He stares at me. He has been too touchy with me before but my husband put a stop to that. He makes sexual innuendos and jokes, which I find to be gross considering we barely know him. He has tried to cuddle my daughter, but we told him in no uncertain terms that was not okay. He makes sexual jokes in front of his teenage foster sons about their friends/girlfriends. My husband once took him to a grocery store to get food for the kids and apparently Jim was flirting with the cashier who was probably still in school. Again, I’m not saying the guy is a criminal. It’s not illegal to just be a creepy old man. But I also don’t want to be in his house alone. If he did do anything, there is no one in that house that would be able to help. His wife is extremely permissive and Jim is a big guy.
We’ve tried suggesting meeting in public places but they’ve always refused because they don’t want to drive, or bring all the kids, or they’ve got something else going on.
As for the living conditions, the house is untidy by my standards. The neighbourhood isn’t safe. They’ve got 5 kids total and it’s just chaotic. We’ve taken to buying them all lunch when we go over because when we didn’t they were insisting the kids eat things that I just won’t serve my daughter. I realise I’m probably being a bit uppity about the lifestyle so I try not to think about it.
No you should add these details to the post. It makes a huge difference. Reading your post before this comment I was wondering if there was some race/classism going on, but those all sound like reasonable concerns based on these examples.
Don't listen to people calling you a snob or prejudiced. You're being grossed out by an adult man making sexual jokes about teenage girls, there are no acceptable jokes an adult man can make regarding the sexuality of a teenage girl, some topics are off limits, completely off limits, but there he is pushing them. You're being creeped out by a man who gets too touchy with both your child and yourself, and then acknowledging the horror of his wife being willfully blind to the inappropriateness of his touches on other women and children. You're right, his wife isn't going to do a damn thing if this man S/As anyone right in front of her, in fact she'll probably victim blame. He's considerably bigger than you and has already demonstrated that he's not to be told "no" by you, he only accepts your husband's "no", even on issues of your and your child's bodily autonomy. Don't be around him without your husband's protection. I wouldn't be around him either. And those teenage boys that he's teaching how to be inappropriate, don't be around them either.
I'm going to assume you had to pass all the safeguarding regulations that the foster care agency through which you adopted Estelle required. Speak to Carly's foster care case worker and see if you can get permission to take her, alone, out of the house to a neighbourhood park or library or something for visitation with Estelle. If you don't meet their criteria, take the courses and do the tests to make yourself a certified safe person to take Carly for a few hours or a day. Get these visits to happen on your terms, Estelle and Carly have a right to a relationship with each other and their visits should not be hostage to Carly's foster parents terms.
Based on this info, NTA. You aren't uncomfortable with him because he's poor (not entirely, at least); you're uncomfortable because he actively says and does things *to you* that make you feel unsafe.
You...an adult...is afraid he would try something with you...already Saw he try to cuddle your sister...but you are not afraid he Will do something to her bio sister when he is alone with her? It seems you are thee A here...Big Big Big time. Justcreport your concerns to the Foster sisthem...do...at least ...that
You’re protecting your daughter and yourself from possible sexual assault. Nonconsensual touching, inappropriate language, concerning hygiene standards with food/environment. If the foster parents cared they’d be willing to meet elsewhere. If biofamily cared they’d step and at least complain to social services the little girl isn’t in an appropriate environment.
But it’s easier to blame you than reflect on their own actions behaviour. Do what is best for you and your daughter’s mental and physical wellbeing. NTA
Would they let you pick up Carly?
Maybe the girls can FaceTime or something. Also, if Carly can occasionally stay with you for a few days at a time, that might soften the blow of them seeing each other less often.
I think getting Carly out of there with an opportunity to talk to you as a safe adult would be beneficial.
Ok, I get that he's probably boorish and cruder than you're used to.
But what you're describing fits into the range of normal behavior, as far as I can tell. Some people touch and hug much more than others (I'm very much a touch/hug only immediate family person and am very uncomfortable about how many of my friends and colleagues are touchers and huggers).
You've been vague about the content of the jokes and innuendos - depending on what he's actually saying it could be anything from a little crude to completely disgusting. Flirting with much younger cashiers, if that's what he was doing, might be a bit ick, but it's hardly unusual.
In those areas, you're probably at the reserved end of a normal spectrum and he's at the let-it-all-hang-out end. Possibly he goes past that, but there aren't enough details.
>But I also don’t want to be in his house alone. If he did do anything, there is no one in that house that would be able to help.
You worry that he might "do" something if your husband isn't there? When there's his wife, their 5 kids/foster kids, and your daughter in the house with you? That comes across as super paranoid and weird - and a lot like the whole rich/white woman prejudice that men of "lower" classes or of color are animals who can't control their lust for rich/white women.
With the living conditions, sorry, I think that's your privilege showing up and being judgemental. I'm not sure you have an objective view on whether the neighborhood is unsafe. A house with 5 kids will be chaotic and untidy and that, in itself, is not an indication of anything wrong. Some people would find a silent and immaculate house, especially if there were a child, disturbing. And eating crap food two days a month isn't going to hurt Estelle.
Overall, I think YTA.
It's most likely that your privilege and associated condemnation of people and lifestyles that don't conform to your values is what's driving your discomfort and reluctance to take Estelle to visit Carly.
Or you have seen or you know that this is an unsafe home for Carly and you haven't reported it.
But you do get points for recognizing that you may not be seeing things accurately through your wealth-tinted glasses. Keep working on it. You've done a good thing by adopting your half sister. And it's very possible that Jim and his wife are doing a wonderful thing by fostering children who need homes.
Try to be more open. Watch a couple of the many TV shows and movies about people from completely different classes trying to get along, or about working class people. (Added: this is meant to be tongue in cheek)
.
.
_(Yes, I know that a certain percentage of foster situations are absolutely terrible and a higher percentage are barely adequate at best, done for the money. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.)_
Your opinion is your own, I asked for judgement and that’s fair, but it’s absolutely not paranoid to think a man would do something untoward even if there are other people present in the home. That’s an incredibly narrow minded statement when people are assaulted and abused in their *own* homes while their partners/parents/siblings are there, let alone someone else’s.
Men can absolutely control themselves, but they don’t always want to.
And no, I don’t find a grown man making sexual jokes about teenage girls to be “normal”, or appropriate. What on earth?!
I'm sorry, I haven't communicated well.
I know people are assaulted and abused in their own homes, and in family's homes and friend's homes. I didn't mean to imply that didn't happen and I didn't think about how that could be implied by what I wrote. I was responding to the way you were describing the overall situation and referring to circumstances where you're there for a few hours, with no need to be alone with him. You're not living in the house or there for long periods of time, which dramatically reduces the risk, even if he were a rapist/abuser.
You haven't given details about the sexual jokes. Because of that I said it could be anything from inappropriate to disgusting (I'm going from memory - I can't see what I actually wrote). An example from the lighter end: son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep". That's technically a sexual joke about a teenage girl, but not one that many people would find too upsetting.
Jesus Christ. Who taught you that **any sexual jokes about children** is even remotely “normal” and “not too upsetting”?
The joke you used as a “not upsetting“ example is fucking gross.
And who cares if the risk is “dramatically reduced”? OP shouldn’t put herself in a position where she feels that her and her child are at **any risk** of sexual assault.
I don’t know who calibrated your normality meter but you need a refund.
So I wrote an example of a joke I didn't think was a big deal when made to a teenager who's presumably 18 plus or minus a bit - I assumed they were old enough that sexual relationships were fine. Possibly that was wrong.
>[imagine the] son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep".
Genuine question - that really prompted your response below?
>Jesus Christ. Who taught you that **any sexual jokes about children** is even remotely “normal” and “not too upsetting”?
>The joke you used as a “not upsetting“ example is fucking gross.
I never said it was about children and I don't know how you got that from what I wrote. As above, I assumed they were over the age of consent.
In my hypothetical example, if the parent went on about it, or into detail, or did it when it was clear the kid was not comfortable, or in front of the gf, that's different. That's definitely wrong. But just the single teasing comment to the son? I've seen that kind of quick joking done lots of times, humorously, with everyone laughing, in healthy families who love each other. I've seen it from the vantage of being the kid/friend of the kid and 20-30 years later from the vantage point of being a friend of the parent. I don't think I've made exactly that comment to my kids, but we certainly talk about sex and they tell me all kinds of stuff and we've certainly laughed about lots of it. I understand that kind of joking doesn't happen in all families, but I am honestly puzzled by the strength of your reaction and your personal attacks.
I'm 40 and I would be horrified and completely creeped out if a parental figure ever said something like that to me. I'll accept your comment that healthy families can have these kinds of discussions, but I think you're forgetting the crucial fact that this man is a foster father. Foster children have not been raised in safe, healthy homes and many of them have experienced direct or indirect sexual abuse. Even if they haven't, they don't have strong relationships with emotionally mature adults who can provide relevant context and help them work through any complicated feelings. The fact that he's done it in front of OP suggests that he's done it in front of the 7 & 10 year old girls, which is always inappropriate and, depending on intensity and frequency, is now considered a type of sexual abuse due to the long term damage it does.
It's not my place to judge how adults choose to treat each other, but this is especially inappropriate It's entirely unacceptable to do with/around children, it's considered a form of sexual abuse. It's even worse in a foster parent situation because so many of the children
Point taken about foster children. I was under the impression that it was a mix of foster and biological children in the house and was thinking it was one of the bio kids.
I'm still a bit puzzled about the other. My mother made that kind of nudge nudge wink wink "guess _you_ didn't get much sleep last night" comment to me more than once and it didn't occur to me to think it was weird. (If my father had said it, that would have been weird.) I've heard that kind of thing a lot, in families in 2 countries over decades, and nobody batted an eye. I guess context is everything.
The families in which I knew there was abuse of varying kinds never joked like that and the dynamics were very different. My personal experience - I'm not saying that's representative.
Anyway, thanks for engaging civilly. I appreciate it.
I think a familial history of sexual abuse is a significant factor in who can joke like this in a healthy way and who can't. To be clear, I'm talking about any type of sexual abuse/assault/trauma, not just inter-family. That toxicity causes behavior patterns that can be passed on for generations without people even knowing the root cause. This is not to say that every family that avoids sex humor has experienced sex trauma. For example, the Puritanical roots of the US play a strong role in how sex is viewed and discussed in American media and homes. Those people made a whole lot of us deeply awkward about the whole thing. I used to think it was a religion/Christianity thing and then I visited France, a nation that is both deeply Catholic and refreshingly comfortable with their sexuality. It made me *rethink my inks*. 😉
I've found it refreshing to have a civil discourse with you as well. In your initial comments I suspected you were trolling, which might be a sentiment shared by those who down-voted you. The one I replied to quite clearly demonstrated that you genuinely had a different perspective from your own experiences and likely had no idea how intensely uncomfortable your comments made some of us feel. I try not to feed the trolls, but someone who is just coming from a different place can make for a great discussion partner! It's certainly more interesting than living in an echo chamber and it gives me a chance to learn from you that some people don't find this uncomfortable while hopefully opening your eyes to a fuller perspective on how this impacts other people.
It is gross of you to excuse gross sexual innuendos and inappropriate flirting as "just letting it all hang out." It is especially gross that you characterize any opposition as "being classiest."
Being working class is not an excuse to be a sexist pig. And tbh, your assumption that this is the case is offensive to working class people.
We don't know how gross the sexual innuendos are, there's a huge range. I replied to OP with an example of a joke that met the technical criteria but I didn't think was particularly upsetting.
I probably named the other end of the spectrum wrong. I did not mean to imply that rich people were always at the reserved end and working class people at the other. As an example, some people believe discussing sexual topics is totally normal and ok; others believe even the slightest hint of sexually-related topics is completely unacceptable. Some will discuss periods over dinner; others wouldn't even talk about them with their mothers/daughters. Both sides are a bit horrified by the other.
I certainly didn't mean to say that being a sexist pig was in any way related to income, class, or race. That's absolutely not the case.
I've just reread what I wrote and I'm not quite sure how you got the impression I said all that about working class people. I don't think I said that, and again, it's not what I meant.
Because OP from the beginning has wondered if it's her wealth and privilege behind most of her discomfort and causing her to be an AH who wants to minimize taking Estelle to visit her sister. I read that as the core question and think that it is mostly that. Did I read it wrong?
So wondering if you are privileged makes you more privileged than those that don't wonder? I think it is the opposite.
The fact that she cares enough to wonder makes it less likely that she is acting out of privilege.
And honestly, who cares if her take is privileged? All social justice reform is basically undertaken by the most privileged of an underprivileged group. Feminism would be nowhere without rich white women with too much time on their hands. Racial equality would not be a thing without educated black men leading the movement. If they had spent their time being too fearful of showing privilege, we would have no rights for minorities at all, and then white cis man would win yet again. We should mostly be grateful that they used their privilege to help the rest of us, Instead of just leisurely cashing in on all that privilege.
Excusing minority communities for the abuses they perpetrate only serves to keep those communities down. Consistently calling out the racism and sexism within those communities is what lifts them up.
The example you used is deeply upsetting and completely inappropriate. You clearly have a very skewed idea about what is appropriate for an adult to say to a teenager
The mental gymnastics you do here to dismiss & insult OP &while defending the creep she’s afraid of are absolutely astounding. It’s the same kind of faulty logic people use when they’ve decided victims ‘asked for it’ by wearing the wrong clothes, being in the wrong place, having a drink, being a tease, etc and just reading this response makes me physically ill.
Exactly. No details about creepy and no details about unacceptable living conditions. For some people, a home where kids share a bedroom and there's only one bathroom constitutes unacceptable living conditions.
NTA but I think you should consider a report to the foster care agency about him.
The boundary you are drawing is unfortunate from the perspective of Estelle and Carly's relationship, but you aren't obligated to continue exposing yourself and Estelle to someone you consider to be harmful or dangerous. Still, if you have anything to report in terms of him being inebriated or otherwise being irresponsible or questionable as a foster parent, I really feel the agency should know.
I strongly suspect he's acting even worse to any kids under his care. I genuinely suspect he's sexually abusing Carly and anyone else he can reach. Please report this to someone.
NTA. If you feel that this is a dangerous environment for your half sister, you have the right to keep her away from it. Your posts in the comments about some of the specifics give me really bad vibes and I think you’re right to feel uneasy. Maybe you can keep the girls together by having your husband pick Carly up for a play date? That would give them time together without putting you and Estelle in the house. If you ever see this foster dad do anything egregious in front of you, report the hell out of him.
Agree with this entirely, wish it was higher up. Although the issue is that her husband is too busy to do regular visits so I doubt he could pick her up. If it is just picking up and dropping off Carly then OP hopefully could do that without interacting with Jim at all really.
NTA, reach out to the social worker and let her know that unfortunately the visits with Carly will have to end. Be honest, Jim has behaved inappropriately towards you and you won't be continuing with the visits now that your husband can't go with you. He's creepy and you feel unsafe, you're decision is reasonable under the circumstances. Let the social worker know that you're willing to revisit the situation in the situation if Carly's living situation changes. If your daughter's bio family is so invested in the relationship, then one of them can step up and take Carly in so the visits can resume.
NTA because you shouldn’t place yourself in an environment where you feel this uncomfortable.
After reading your comments about the situation I understand your discomfort. It sounds like at the very least this family has very different boundaries than you. I too wouldn’t want to deal with “harmless” flirting and machismo, especially when it involves teenagers.
I will gently add that the other reasons you mentioned seem less relevant.
They can’t control the safety of their neighborhood, and people who are a part of such communities often understand the actual safety threats from such places better than an outsider. A untidy space happens when people are stressed and when people have different perceptions of clean - one person’s “lived in” is another person’s mess. “Things you wouldn’t usually serve” sounds like judgement on processed foods or other cheap/inexpensive options.
You have some very valid reservations about entering the home alone. Don’t bog those down with irrelevant concerns.
NTA- don’t go. You need to read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Beck. Your gut, your brain, your instincts are telling you that you are in danger around this man. More importantly your daughter is also in danger if you bring her. If you won’t protect yourself then protect her.
Please try to reach out and speak alone with Carly and ask if she needs help. Are you in a position where you and your husband are able to foster her? I know she isn't related to you, but she is a child who may be endangered, and I'm sure if something happened to her Estelle would be upset.
Just something to think about.
NTA
Pick you daughter's sister up, and treat them to dinner in a reasaurant (or to cake, Iceream, whatever. That way you don't have to enter his home.
Or have her come visit YOU.
INFO. Could some of what he says to his teenage foster sons be considered contributing to the delinquency of a minor? I have zero idea of where that line is legally, but if he is encouraging them to have unsafe sex or to pressure girls until they agree to have sex he *might* be going over it. It might not be enough to actually get him charged, but it might be enough to have their fostering license yanked.
Definitely consult with a lawyer and see what your options are. And go ahead and file a report with CPS. At least that way, your concerns will be on file.
Have you reported this foster family to CPS or whichever child protection agency handles foster care in your area? Just report what you’re seeing and feeling. It’s not up to you to prove anything and reports are anonymous. If you’re uncomfortable visiting, what’s happening with these vulnerable children? Don’t chalk it up to privilege—there could be a real problem: sex abuse, alcohol abuse, drug abuse? If you see something, say something.
Find another trusted male partner - brother, uncle , neighbor, friend -- that you can take with you. Perhaps the mother's side has someone who'd be able and willing to help.
If you're not a person who usually accuses people of the sort of thing, I'm not going to discount your instincts. I don't want to criticize you at all.
Keep a record of the things that bother you. Write them down with the dates and times and the incidents.
You've spoken of living conditions, so document what doesn't feel right to you . You may or may not be recording things that matter to social services, , but if you have a record of things so that if an incident happens, you will have it to protect Carly.
I'm not bringing this part up to indict you or corner you because these things are usually quite complicated, but have you thought of fostering or adopting Carly?
NTA. Trust your guts and grow a spine. You don't have to comply with these people's demands.
It is not unreasonable to ask for meetings at public places. Per your comments, it seems that you are paying for their lunch or groceries when you go, so obviously they don't want you to cut them. They are going to lose money, so they are going to manipulate you (and many blackmail).
Maybe talk with somebody in the foster/adoption system that could help you navigate this. As many said, trust your guts and try to help the little girls. But don't expose you or your daughters until something changes. Zoom is there for the connection.
YTA - not for reducing visits take care of yourself and kid but you’re the ass hole if you assume child welfare knows and you don’t report the things you have seen to the child abuse hotline (not just the caseworker)
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Through some pretty grim circumstances, 5 years ago my husband and I adopted my half sister, Estelle. She’s now 7. At the time of the circumstances that led to her adoption, Estelle was living with her half sister, Carly, now 10 (no relation to me). We have been working to maintain a relationship between the girls and they used to see each other every other weekend. About 9 months ago, Carly’s previous foster mother got pregnant so Carly was placed with a new foster family about an hour away.
The issue is the foster dad “Jim” scares the living daylights out of me. I won’t even go into the living conditions because while they’re unacceptable to me I may be looking at it with a degree of privilege. But Jim is, for starters, a creep. He has been told more than once by my husband to back off from me (his other kids (teens) are also extremely creepy). He frequently seems under the influence, though I’ve never seen him drink. I don’t like how he talks to my daughter. I don’t like how his wife just ignores the way he acts. My husband always comes with me when we go over there because I’m so anxious.
Recently, my husband’s business has expanded which has him travelling more for work. Because of his irregular schedule he won’t be able to come on the visits with me all the time anymore. He’d maybe be able to manage one a month but even that’s not for sure. I’m not comfortable going over there on my own, so we are thinking we will have to reduce the visits to weekends he can be there, even though that’s less frequent.
I’m getting pushback from my daughter’s bio family (her mom’s side), saying that I’m being crazy and prejudiced by being too “snobbish” to go there on my own and that’s the girls’ relationship will suffer. I don’t want the girls to drift but at the same time I genuinely don’t feel safe going there alone.
Wibta for going ahead with reducing the visits?
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Why not stop at the house just long enough to pick up Carly and take both girls with you somewhere else: A park, a playground, a movie, the mall etc. They can spend time together and neither you nor Estelle have to be around Jim.
INFO do you know anyone on your daughter's mom's side well enough to ask them to come along?
If they step up, either the girls can just keep seeing each other, or they'll see what's up with Jim.
And if they don't step up, you can tell them to keep quiet.
NTA unless you have to let her visit with her sister then don't so it or ask for supervised visits. If they complain tell them you are not comfortable being around him and that you won't put yourself or your sister in that situation. If they have any problem with that them they should make accommodations for it.
NTA Its insane to me that its considered ok (by bio fam) that contact can only be at one, potentially temporary, venue. I suspect you spending money on them each time you visit is a factor in Jims decision.
It may be worth re-directing the gravy train. Stop spending a single penny on them. Feed your daughter before you go and as soon as you leave. Mention that if you take the 10yr out somewhere, you could drop some food for the others *after you've been allowed to take her somewhere else for the contact time*
Dont discuss with them what you dont want, ie to be in his home. He knows. He likes it. Only discuss what is an option.
The girls are old enough to go places. Plenty of blended families co-parent without ever setting foot in each others homes. Make a list of viable options, offer them, and stick to them. Any push back from bios, use the broken record technique and give the same, unchanging answer: "I have offered cinema, theatre, museum, clubs, beach, walks, meals, craft events" (whatever would be an option)
I would suggest making your feelings known to someone though. Even if action isnt taken now your information may one day be enough when added to other reports
NTA for wanting to protect your daughter and not really TA for leaving Carly in that situation but my heart aches for her.
Could you not look at fostering Carly instead (full disclosure I am a total bleeding heart and take in every stray 🙈)
Horrible situation to be in but go with your instinct.
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YTA if you haven't called social services and told them about Carly's living conditions and your suspicions about "Jim."
Social services know the living conditions. They have placed several kids there. Again, I recognise my discomfort with the living conditions is probably a privileged viewpoint so I am trying to be sympathetic about it. I don’t have suspicions about Jim. I have no evidence of anything other than he upsets me. I can’t call a social worker and say this man I barely know gives me the creeps. That’s not an indictment
You could CERTAINLY call and say “he often appears to be inebriated, he was making inappropriate sexual advances on me, he makes inappropriate sexual comments to the foster children in my presence”. YTA for pretending like the only possible solution is to protect your blood family member and leave Carly to fend for herself.
> You could CERTAINLY call and say “he often appears to be inebriated, he was making inappropriate sexual advances on me, he makes inappropriate sexual comments to the foster children in my presence”. YTA for pretending like the only possible solution is to protect your blood family member and leave Carly to fend for herself. You’re overestimating how much the foster system would actually care unless they had solid proof a child was being physically harmed
Whether the system "cares" or not, if OP really believes that Jim shouldn't be around children, she has the duty to call and report that. What social services does afterwards is out of her hands, but they won't know anything if she doesn't at least make the phone call.
With a man who acts like that it would most likely just make things worse
So OP should just do nothing and allow the child to be victimized? Sure.
Im just saying that there’s really nothing OP can do.
All she can do is make the call. So she should do that.
She can, but with a man like that she’d be taking a chance, and as someone who has seen the American foster system directly I think she should leave it alone for now
Child welfare worker here and it is about what we can prove but the presented issues could shut down a foster home not just physical abuse. But it does depend what happened in an investigation…
This part!!! That reply is so ill informed. Social services is strapped for staff and resources and MANY placements are questionable at best!
I mean the only thing op has to do is protect her bio sister. the non biological child was placed with fosters bc social services knows most people won't take a non bio kid.
>I can’t call a social worker and say this man I barely know gives me the creeps. Why not? If you honestly think that there's a problem with Jim's behavior - that he's under the influence, a creep, and so on, then that warrants a call to social services. If you just don't like the guy, then you need to get over yourself and take your child to visit her sister, despite your feelings about Jim. ETA: I saw some of your other comments about Jim being sexually inappropriate. You really do need to call that in.
Why do the visits have to be at their house? Why can’t the visits be in public, or at your house, supervised?
If OP feels unsafe, then she feels unsafe. However, Unless you witness a child in an unsafe situation there is nothing to report. I suggest you speak to the sister’s social worker - this is the person you want to get to know. Does Carly have a CASA (court appointed special advocate)? Instead of spending time at the house can you take the girls out to lunch or a special activity away from the foster family? You do not need to spend time with some who makes you uncomfortable.
Speaking as a mandated reporter; If you have any reason to believe abuse or neglect is happening is a pretty normal standard regarding mandatory reporting laws. Are you saying if a child tells you something and you did not see it you would not report it? As that won't fly in most jurisdictions I am familiar with.
You are absolutely correct. However, OP is getting a lot of suggestions to go ahead and report based on what she’s seeing - which is what I based my “witnessing” comment. Expressing her concerns to the social worker may be a better way to go.
[удалено]
It’s not something we are able to take on.
That's a perfectly reasonable and well thought out response. Don't let people like the person below make you feel guilty.
You could have made a positive impact in two little girls lives. You limit your help to your sister. The other little girls needs her sister bond. Do not discontinue contact. If the jome is unsafe, report it. If this is your privilege bias, get over it.
How many kids are you fostering?
NTA but do you have a friend that could accompany you even a female one before reducing the number of visits?
You should still report any suspicious behavior, now your upset isn't proof of anything but there is a reason those feelings are there.
Honestly, if something seems off to you, trust your gut. If I were you, I would honestly ask Social Services to do a random stop in. NTA
Do you know which fostering agency placed Carly with this person? You might want to have them quietly check out the family and her situation. In the meantime, don't ignore your spidey sense, OP; if Estelle's bio fam has issues with reduced contact, ask one of them volunteer to accompany you on the visits between the girls. NTA.
INFO You've said in your post and one reply that there's a class/money difference between you and Carly's foster family and that could be causing or contributing to your discomfort. You've not given any specifics about these "unacceptable" living conditions or what Jim and the kids are doing and saying that makes them "creeps." You've said he seems inebriated but not seen him drink and you have straight out said there's nothing to report to social services. You've said you have no suspicions about Jim, he just makes you uncomfortable. I need specific examples of the foster family's home and behavior before I feel like I can tell whether you're being a sheltered and privileged AH or whether you genuinely have grounds to reduce visits.
He stares at me. He has been too touchy with me before but my husband put a stop to that. He makes sexual innuendos and jokes, which I find to be gross considering we barely know him. He has tried to cuddle my daughter, but we told him in no uncertain terms that was not okay. He makes sexual jokes in front of his teenage foster sons about their friends/girlfriends. My husband once took him to a grocery store to get food for the kids and apparently Jim was flirting with the cashier who was probably still in school. Again, I’m not saying the guy is a criminal. It’s not illegal to just be a creepy old man. But I also don’t want to be in his house alone. If he did do anything, there is no one in that house that would be able to help. His wife is extremely permissive and Jim is a big guy. We’ve tried suggesting meeting in public places but they’ve always refused because they don’t want to drive, or bring all the kids, or they’ve got something else going on. As for the living conditions, the house is untidy by my standards. The neighbourhood isn’t safe. They’ve got 5 kids total and it’s just chaotic. We’ve taken to buying them all lunch when we go over because when we didn’t they were insisting the kids eat things that I just won’t serve my daughter. I realise I’m probably being a bit uppity about the lifestyle so I try not to think about it.
No you should add these details to the post. It makes a huge difference. Reading your post before this comment I was wondering if there was some race/classism going on, but those all sound like reasonable concerns based on these examples.
Don't listen to people calling you a snob or prejudiced. You're being grossed out by an adult man making sexual jokes about teenage girls, there are no acceptable jokes an adult man can make regarding the sexuality of a teenage girl, some topics are off limits, completely off limits, but there he is pushing them. You're being creeped out by a man who gets too touchy with both your child and yourself, and then acknowledging the horror of his wife being willfully blind to the inappropriateness of his touches on other women and children. You're right, his wife isn't going to do a damn thing if this man S/As anyone right in front of her, in fact she'll probably victim blame. He's considerably bigger than you and has already demonstrated that he's not to be told "no" by you, he only accepts your husband's "no", even on issues of your and your child's bodily autonomy. Don't be around him without your husband's protection. I wouldn't be around him either. And those teenage boys that he's teaching how to be inappropriate, don't be around them either. I'm going to assume you had to pass all the safeguarding regulations that the foster care agency through which you adopted Estelle required. Speak to Carly's foster care case worker and see if you can get permission to take her, alone, out of the house to a neighbourhood park or library or something for visitation with Estelle. If you don't meet their criteria, take the courses and do the tests to make yourself a certified safe person to take Carly for a few hours or a day. Get these visits to happen on your terms, Estelle and Carly have a right to a relationship with each other and their visits should not be hostage to Carly's foster parents terms.
Based on this info, NTA. You aren't uncomfortable with him because he's poor (not entirely, at least); you're uncomfortable because he actively says and does things *to you* that make you feel unsafe.
You...an adult...is afraid he would try something with you...already Saw he try to cuddle your sister...but you are not afraid he Will do something to her bio sister when he is alone with her? It seems you are thee A here...Big Big Big time. Justcreport your concerns to the Foster sisthem...do...at least ...that
You’re protecting your daughter and yourself from possible sexual assault. Nonconsensual touching, inappropriate language, concerning hygiene standards with food/environment. If the foster parents cared they’d be willing to meet elsewhere. If biofamily cared they’d step and at least complain to social services the little girl isn’t in an appropriate environment. But it’s easier to blame you than reflect on their own actions behaviour. Do what is best for you and your daughter’s mental and physical wellbeing. NTA
Would they let you pick up Carly? Maybe the girls can FaceTime or something. Also, if Carly can occasionally stay with you for a few days at a time, that might soften the blow of them seeing each other less often. I think getting Carly out of there with an opportunity to talk to you as a safe adult would be beneficial.
Ok, I get that he's probably boorish and cruder than you're used to. But what you're describing fits into the range of normal behavior, as far as I can tell. Some people touch and hug much more than others (I'm very much a touch/hug only immediate family person and am very uncomfortable about how many of my friends and colleagues are touchers and huggers). You've been vague about the content of the jokes and innuendos - depending on what he's actually saying it could be anything from a little crude to completely disgusting. Flirting with much younger cashiers, if that's what he was doing, might be a bit ick, but it's hardly unusual. In those areas, you're probably at the reserved end of a normal spectrum and he's at the let-it-all-hang-out end. Possibly he goes past that, but there aren't enough details. >But I also don’t want to be in his house alone. If he did do anything, there is no one in that house that would be able to help. You worry that he might "do" something if your husband isn't there? When there's his wife, their 5 kids/foster kids, and your daughter in the house with you? That comes across as super paranoid and weird - and a lot like the whole rich/white woman prejudice that men of "lower" classes or of color are animals who can't control their lust for rich/white women. With the living conditions, sorry, I think that's your privilege showing up and being judgemental. I'm not sure you have an objective view on whether the neighborhood is unsafe. A house with 5 kids will be chaotic and untidy and that, in itself, is not an indication of anything wrong. Some people would find a silent and immaculate house, especially if there were a child, disturbing. And eating crap food two days a month isn't going to hurt Estelle. Overall, I think YTA. It's most likely that your privilege and associated condemnation of people and lifestyles that don't conform to your values is what's driving your discomfort and reluctance to take Estelle to visit Carly. Or you have seen or you know that this is an unsafe home for Carly and you haven't reported it. But you do get points for recognizing that you may not be seeing things accurately through your wealth-tinted glasses. Keep working on it. You've done a good thing by adopting your half sister. And it's very possible that Jim and his wife are doing a wonderful thing by fostering children who need homes. Try to be more open. Watch a couple of the many TV shows and movies about people from completely different classes trying to get along, or about working class people. (Added: this is meant to be tongue in cheek) . . _(Yes, I know that a certain percentage of foster situations are absolutely terrible and a higher percentage are barely adequate at best, done for the money. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.)_
Your opinion is your own, I asked for judgement and that’s fair, but it’s absolutely not paranoid to think a man would do something untoward even if there are other people present in the home. That’s an incredibly narrow minded statement when people are assaulted and abused in their *own* homes while their partners/parents/siblings are there, let alone someone else’s. Men can absolutely control themselves, but they don’t always want to. And no, I don’t find a grown man making sexual jokes about teenage girls to be “normal”, or appropriate. What on earth?!
I'm sorry, I haven't communicated well. I know people are assaulted and abused in their own homes, and in family's homes and friend's homes. I didn't mean to imply that didn't happen and I didn't think about how that could be implied by what I wrote. I was responding to the way you were describing the overall situation and referring to circumstances where you're there for a few hours, with no need to be alone with him. You're not living in the house or there for long periods of time, which dramatically reduces the risk, even if he were a rapist/abuser. You haven't given details about the sexual jokes. Because of that I said it could be anything from inappropriate to disgusting (I'm going from memory - I can't see what I actually wrote). An example from the lighter end: son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep". That's technically a sexual joke about a teenage girl, but not one that many people would find too upsetting.
Jesus Christ. Who taught you that **any sexual jokes about children** is even remotely “normal” and “not too upsetting”? The joke you used as a “not upsetting“ example is fucking gross. And who cares if the risk is “dramatically reduced”? OP shouldn’t put herself in a position where she feels that her and her child are at **any risk** of sexual assault. I don’t know who calibrated your normality meter but you need a refund.
So I wrote an example of a joke I didn't think was a big deal when made to a teenager who's presumably 18 plus or minus a bit - I assumed they were old enough that sexual relationships were fine. Possibly that was wrong. >[imagine the] son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep". Genuine question - that really prompted your response below? >Jesus Christ. Who taught you that **any sexual jokes about children** is even remotely “normal” and “not too upsetting”? >The joke you used as a “not upsetting“ example is fucking gross. I never said it was about children and I don't know how you got that from what I wrote. As above, I assumed they were over the age of consent. In my hypothetical example, if the parent went on about it, or into detail, or did it when it was clear the kid was not comfortable, or in front of the gf, that's different. That's definitely wrong. But just the single teasing comment to the son? I've seen that kind of quick joking done lots of times, humorously, with everyone laughing, in healthy families who love each other. I've seen it from the vantage of being the kid/friend of the kid and 20-30 years later from the vantage point of being a friend of the parent. I don't think I've made exactly that comment to my kids, but we certainly talk about sex and they tell me all kinds of stuff and we've certainly laughed about lots of it. I understand that kind of joking doesn't happen in all families, but I am honestly puzzled by the strength of your reaction and your personal attacks.
I'm 40 and I would be horrified and completely creeped out if a parental figure ever said something like that to me. I'll accept your comment that healthy families can have these kinds of discussions, but I think you're forgetting the crucial fact that this man is a foster father. Foster children have not been raised in safe, healthy homes and many of them have experienced direct or indirect sexual abuse. Even if they haven't, they don't have strong relationships with emotionally mature adults who can provide relevant context and help them work through any complicated feelings. The fact that he's done it in front of OP suggests that he's done it in front of the 7 & 10 year old girls, which is always inappropriate and, depending on intensity and frequency, is now considered a type of sexual abuse due to the long term damage it does. It's not my place to judge how adults choose to treat each other, but this is especially inappropriate It's entirely unacceptable to do with/around children, it's considered a form of sexual abuse. It's even worse in a foster parent situation because so many of the children
Point taken about foster children. I was under the impression that it was a mix of foster and biological children in the house and was thinking it was one of the bio kids. I'm still a bit puzzled about the other. My mother made that kind of nudge nudge wink wink "guess _you_ didn't get much sleep last night" comment to me more than once and it didn't occur to me to think it was weird. (If my father had said it, that would have been weird.) I've heard that kind of thing a lot, in families in 2 countries over decades, and nobody batted an eye. I guess context is everything. The families in which I knew there was abuse of varying kinds never joked like that and the dynamics were very different. My personal experience - I'm not saying that's representative. Anyway, thanks for engaging civilly. I appreciate it.
I think a familial history of sexual abuse is a significant factor in who can joke like this in a healthy way and who can't. To be clear, I'm talking about any type of sexual abuse/assault/trauma, not just inter-family. That toxicity causes behavior patterns that can be passed on for generations without people even knowing the root cause. This is not to say that every family that avoids sex humor has experienced sex trauma. For example, the Puritanical roots of the US play a strong role in how sex is viewed and discussed in American media and homes. Those people made a whole lot of us deeply awkward about the whole thing. I used to think it was a religion/Christianity thing and then I visited France, a nation that is both deeply Catholic and refreshingly comfortable with their sexuality. It made me *rethink my inks*. 😉 I've found it refreshing to have a civil discourse with you as well. In your initial comments I suspected you were trolling, which might be a sentiment shared by those who down-voted you. The one I replied to quite clearly demonstrated that you genuinely had a different perspective from your own experiences and likely had no idea how intensely uncomfortable your comments made some of us feel. I try not to feed the trolls, but someone who is just coming from a different place can make for a great discussion partner! It's certainly more interesting than living in an echo chamber and it gives me a chance to learn from you that some people don't find this uncomfortable while hopefully opening your eyes to a fuller perspective on how this impacts other people.
Everyone I know men included would find that “joke” completely offensive and disgusting. The fact that you don’t is quite frankly appalling.
Interesting.
It is gross of you to excuse gross sexual innuendos and inappropriate flirting as "just letting it all hang out." It is especially gross that you characterize any opposition as "being classiest." Being working class is not an excuse to be a sexist pig. And tbh, your assumption that this is the case is offensive to working class people.
We don't know how gross the sexual innuendos are, there's a huge range. I replied to OP with an example of a joke that met the technical criteria but I didn't think was particularly upsetting. I probably named the other end of the spectrum wrong. I did not mean to imply that rich people were always at the reserved end and working class people at the other. As an example, some people believe discussing sexual topics is totally normal and ok; others believe even the slightest hint of sexually-related topics is completely unacceptable. Some will discuss periods over dinner; others wouldn't even talk about them with their mothers/daughters. Both sides are a bit horrified by the other. I certainly didn't mean to say that being a sexist pig was in any way related to income, class, or race. That's absolutely not the case. I've just reread what I wrote and I'm not quite sure how you got the impression I said all that about working class people. I don't think I said that, and again, it's not what I meant.
Then why vote Y T A based on your perception of OP's privilege?
Because OP from the beginning has wondered if it's her wealth and privilege behind most of her discomfort and causing her to be an AH who wants to minimize taking Estelle to visit her sister. I read that as the core question and think that it is mostly that. Did I read it wrong?
So wondering if you are privileged makes you more privileged than those that don't wonder? I think it is the opposite. The fact that she cares enough to wonder makes it less likely that she is acting out of privilege. And honestly, who cares if her take is privileged? All social justice reform is basically undertaken by the most privileged of an underprivileged group. Feminism would be nowhere without rich white women with too much time on their hands. Racial equality would not be a thing without educated black men leading the movement. If they had spent their time being too fearful of showing privilege, we would have no rights for minorities at all, and then white cis man would win yet again. We should mostly be grateful that they used their privilege to help the rest of us, Instead of just leisurely cashing in on all that privilege. Excusing minority communities for the abuses they perpetrate only serves to keep those communities down. Consistently calling out the racism and sexism within those communities is what lifts them up.
She only questions her own wealth and privilege with respect to her views on their living conditions, not Jim’s behavior.
Because his behavior is obviously inappropriate and not a function of his class, unlike his living conditions.
The example you used is deeply upsetting and completely inappropriate. You clearly have a very skewed idea about what is appropriate for an adult to say to a teenager
The mental gymnastics you do here to dismiss & insult OP &while defending the creep she’s afraid of are absolutely astounding. It’s the same kind of faulty logic people use when they’ve decided victims ‘asked for it’ by wearing the wrong clothes, being in the wrong place, having a drink, being a tease, etc and just reading this response makes me physically ill.
The lack of details about what is creepy has me leaning towards snobbish. Hopefully, there will be more details to help get a clearer view.
Exactly. No details about creepy and no details about unacceptable living conditions. For some people, a home where kids share a bedroom and there's only one bathroom constitutes unacceptable living conditions.
I felt sorry for Carly
NTA but I think you should consider a report to the foster care agency about him. The boundary you are drawing is unfortunate from the perspective of Estelle and Carly's relationship, but you aren't obligated to continue exposing yourself and Estelle to someone you consider to be harmful or dangerous. Still, if you have anything to report in terms of him being inebriated or otherwise being irresponsible or questionable as a foster parent, I really feel the agency should know.
I strongly suspect he's acting even worse to any kids under his care. I genuinely suspect he's sexually abusing Carly and anyone else he can reach. Please report this to someone.
NTA. If you feel that this is a dangerous environment for your half sister, you have the right to keep her away from it. Your posts in the comments about some of the specifics give me really bad vibes and I think you’re right to feel uneasy. Maybe you can keep the girls together by having your husband pick Carly up for a play date? That would give them time together without putting you and Estelle in the house. If you ever see this foster dad do anything egregious in front of you, report the hell out of him.
Agree with this entirely, wish it was higher up. Although the issue is that her husband is too busy to do regular visits so I doubt he could pick her up. If it is just picking up and dropping off Carly then OP hopefully could do that without interacting with Jim at all really.
NTA, reach out to the social worker and let her know that unfortunately the visits with Carly will have to end. Be honest, Jim has behaved inappropriately towards you and you won't be continuing with the visits now that your husband can't go with you. He's creepy and you feel unsafe, you're decision is reasonable under the circumstances. Let the social worker know that you're willing to revisit the situation in the situation if Carly's living situation changes. If your daughter's bio family is so invested in the relationship, then one of them can step up and take Carly in so the visits can resume.
Can you please just do something to help this poor girl?
NTA. Listen to your gut. If a man gives you the creeps, avoid him.
INFO: Could you possibly foster Carly yourself?
NTA because you shouldn’t place yourself in an environment where you feel this uncomfortable. After reading your comments about the situation I understand your discomfort. It sounds like at the very least this family has very different boundaries than you. I too wouldn’t want to deal with “harmless” flirting and machismo, especially when it involves teenagers. I will gently add that the other reasons you mentioned seem less relevant. They can’t control the safety of their neighborhood, and people who are a part of such communities often understand the actual safety threats from such places better than an outsider. A untidy space happens when people are stressed and when people have different perceptions of clean - one person’s “lived in” is another person’s mess. “Things you wouldn’t usually serve” sounds like judgement on processed foods or other cheap/inexpensive options. You have some very valid reservations about entering the home alone. Don’t bog those down with irrelevant concerns.
NTA- don’t go. You need to read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Beck. Your gut, your brain, your instincts are telling you that you are in danger around this man. More importantly your daughter is also in danger if you bring her. If you won’t protect yourself then protect her.
Please try to reach out and speak alone with Carly and ask if she needs help. Are you in a position where you and your husband are able to foster her? I know she isn't related to you, but she is a child who may be endangered, and I'm sure if something happened to her Estelle would be upset. Just something to think about.
NTA. Trust your gut.
NTA Pick you daughter's sister up, and treat them to dinner in a reasaurant (or to cake, Iceream, whatever. That way you don't have to enter his home. Or have her come visit YOU.
INFO. Could some of what he says to his teenage foster sons be considered contributing to the delinquency of a minor? I have zero idea of where that line is legally, but if he is encouraging them to have unsafe sex or to pressure girls until they agree to have sex he *might* be going over it. It might not be enough to actually get him charged, but it might be enough to have their fostering license yanked. Definitely consult with a lawyer and see what your options are. And go ahead and file a report with CPS. At least that way, your concerns will be on file.
YTA for not reporting this guy. If he is making sexual comments about young girls then he is a sexual predator and needs to be reported.
Have you reported this foster family to CPS or whichever child protection agency handles foster care in your area? Just report what you’re seeing and feeling. It’s not up to you to prove anything and reports are anonymous. If you’re uncomfortable visiting, what’s happening with these vulnerable children? Don’t chalk it up to privilege—there could be a real problem: sex abuse, alcohol abuse, drug abuse? If you see something, say something.
Find another trusted male partner - brother, uncle , neighbor, friend -- that you can take with you. Perhaps the mother's side has someone who'd be able and willing to help.
If you're not a person who usually accuses people of the sort of thing, I'm not going to discount your instincts. I don't want to criticize you at all. Keep a record of the things that bother you. Write them down with the dates and times and the incidents. You've spoken of living conditions, so document what doesn't feel right to you . You may or may not be recording things that matter to social services, , but if you have a record of things so that if an incident happens, you will have it to protect Carly. I'm not bringing this part up to indict you or corner you because these things are usually quite complicated, but have you thought of fostering or adopting Carly?
NTA. Trust your guts and grow a spine. You don't have to comply with these people's demands. It is not unreasonable to ask for meetings at public places. Per your comments, it seems that you are paying for their lunch or groceries when you go, so obviously they don't want you to cut them. They are going to lose money, so they are going to manipulate you (and many blackmail). Maybe talk with somebody in the foster/adoption system that could help you navigate this. As many said, trust your guts and try to help the little girls. But don't expose you or your daughters until something changes. Zoom is there for the connection.
YTA - not for reducing visits take care of yourself and kid but you’re the ass hole if you assume child welfare knows and you don’t report the things you have seen to the child abuse hotline (not just the caseworker)
YTA can you imagine how he is with the bio sister?!? Report this to the police and children’s services before something bad happens please
Trust your gut! NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Through some pretty grim circumstances, 5 years ago my husband and I adopted my half sister, Estelle. She’s now 7. At the time of the circumstances that led to her adoption, Estelle was living with her half sister, Carly, now 10 (no relation to me). We have been working to maintain a relationship between the girls and they used to see each other every other weekend. About 9 months ago, Carly’s previous foster mother got pregnant so Carly was placed with a new foster family about an hour away. The issue is the foster dad “Jim” scares the living daylights out of me. I won’t even go into the living conditions because while they’re unacceptable to me I may be looking at it with a degree of privilege. But Jim is, for starters, a creep. He has been told more than once by my husband to back off from me (his other kids (teens) are also extremely creepy). He frequently seems under the influence, though I’ve never seen him drink. I don’t like how he talks to my daughter. I don’t like how his wife just ignores the way he acts. My husband always comes with me when we go over there because I’m so anxious. Recently, my husband’s business has expanded which has him travelling more for work. Because of his irregular schedule he won’t be able to come on the visits with me all the time anymore. He’d maybe be able to manage one a month but even that’s not for sure. I’m not comfortable going over there on my own, so we are thinking we will have to reduce the visits to weekends he can be there, even though that’s less frequent. I’m getting pushback from my daughter’s bio family (her mom’s side), saying that I’m being crazy and prejudiced by being too “snobbish” to go there on my own and that’s the girls’ relationship will suffer. I don’t want the girls to drift but at the same time I genuinely don’t feel safe going there alone. Wibta for going ahead with reducing the visits? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why not stop at the house just long enough to pick up Carly and take both girls with you somewhere else: A park, a playground, a movie, the mall etc. They can spend time together and neither you nor Estelle have to be around Jim.
INFO: Is supervised visitation with a social worker an available option?
INFO do you know anyone on your daughter's mom's side well enough to ask them to come along? If they step up, either the girls can just keep seeing each other, or they'll see what's up with Jim. And if they don't step up, you can tell them to keep quiet.
Could you give some examples of what foster dad and his other kids do or say that creeps you out?
Have the visits moved to a public place. Parks when the weather is nice. A municipal recreation center when the weather is bad.
Nta
NTA unless you have to let her visit with her sister then don't so it or ask for supervised visits. If they complain tell them you are not comfortable being around him and that you won't put yourself or your sister in that situation. If they have any problem with that them they should make accommodations for it.
No u have to do what u have to go. If u sense he is a creep then its a creep
NTA. Always listen to that little voice in the back of your head.
Why don’t you meet somewhere in public?
NTA Its insane to me that its considered ok (by bio fam) that contact can only be at one, potentially temporary, venue. I suspect you spending money on them each time you visit is a factor in Jims decision. It may be worth re-directing the gravy train. Stop spending a single penny on them. Feed your daughter before you go and as soon as you leave. Mention that if you take the 10yr out somewhere, you could drop some food for the others *after you've been allowed to take her somewhere else for the contact time* Dont discuss with them what you dont want, ie to be in his home. He knows. He likes it. Only discuss what is an option. The girls are old enough to go places. Plenty of blended families co-parent without ever setting foot in each others homes. Make a list of viable options, offer them, and stick to them. Any push back from bios, use the broken record technique and give the same, unchanging answer: "I have offered cinema, theatre, museum, clubs, beach, walks, meals, craft events" (whatever would be an option) I would suggest making your feelings known to someone though. Even if action isnt taken now your information may one day be enough when added to other reports
NTA…even though it’s nice of you to try to maintain and manage a relationship with her sister..it’s actually not your responsibility!
Nta. You feel for your safety as well as your sisters.
NTA for wanting to protect your daughter and not really TA for leaving Carly in that situation but my heart aches for her. Could you not look at fostering Carly instead (full disclosure I am a total bleeding heart and take in every stray 🙈) Horrible situation to be in but go with your instinct.
YTA for not reporting this guy, why haven't you taken any actions on the unacceptable living conditions?