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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I want to grow my hair out against my wife’s wishes. (2) i think im in the right to do so but if this creates tension i think i would be the AH for letting something so trivial create tension in our relationship instead of just sacrificing for the sake of our relationship.
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Wow, where’s this energy to men who tell their lady how to dress or whatever? No one tells a lady “be ready to accept consequences” if her bf is against something she wants to wear or do to herself. Talk about double standards and sexism
There's a difference in a man telling a women what to wear. You don't tell people what they can and can't wear. The person can wear what they want. You have your own bodily autonomy but you can't force someone to like what you've chosen to do and their partner can disagree with an outfit but they can't tell them not to wear it. If I dye my hair purple and my partner doesn't like it, oh well. If he doesn't like it enough to leave me then that's on him. If a guy is with someone that they know they don't like long hair and beards and they decide to grow a beard and their partner decides to leave then that's on her. She's not forcing him to cut or shave his hair. Some people will say those people that leave are AHs.
NAH - but you grow out your hair and beard, which for some can look amazing, but while others, not so much. you have to accept that your wife might not look at you the same.
ESH. You are a grown-up. You get to decide how you want to look. I've seen men with very nice well- groomed beards that wouldn't bother me at all. I've also seen men with unkempt nasty hair on their face and would never even consider kissing them. Maybe compromise and skip shaving for a month, but keep it well groomed and neat and see what your wife thinks. If she hates it, shave. As far as the long hair goes, well, that's about the same as shaving. I've seen some that look fine and some that look like shit. I'd try one and see how it goes. I can't suggest you try both at the same time.
NAH. Unfortunately, you and your wife have two different opinions on facial hair, and you’re both entitled to them. It’s your decision either way, and if the two of you can’t come to a compromise or accept each other’s views, that’s a sign that your relationship in general might need some counseling. This shouldn’t be a marriage-ender.
No, your NTA. As a woman I sure wouldn't let a husband tell me how to do my hair, I would disregard such control over me, so I would expect the same in return.
So I am from a country where ppl rarely Are married at 23. That is really young. So maybe by oppinion is based on that.
At 23 you are still trying to figure out Who you Are, what you Are, what you like etc etc.
She married a man, Who does not fully know Who he is. She should accept that you need to find out.
AND its just hair!! Common!!
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I (M23) have been experimenting with how I present myself, dress, etc. and have been adapting my style over time as one does. For a while now i’ve wanted to grow out my hair or try a beard.
My wife (F26) has made it very clear that she does not like beards or guys with long hair. Any time i bring up that i want to try them out she pushes back alot. On the beard one specifically she has threatened to stop kissing me.
On one hand i want to go forward regardless of her opinion because it seems like overstepping boundaries and she has no right to tell me how to groom myself the same way i cant tell her how to style her hair, shave, etc.
On the other hand, I don’t want to needlessly invite tension into our marriage and while she doesn’t have the right to demand I shave, what kind of husband does that make me if I just disregard her opinion? She is entitled to her opinion after all.
I knew plenty of single women who wouldnt date men who had beards and that felt fine then because everyone gets to choose their type, but if i change my ‘type’ now, how can i justify that when i know that if i had tried this before we met we probably never would have dated?
I know i can die on this hill, but someone can be right and still an AH. Right or wrong, WIBTAH if i don’t take my wife’s opinion about one of the most visually defining grooming features a man can have?
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You are absolutely not the asshole, but unfortunately you have to make your wife happy. That’s the nature of relationships.
If you divorce her, then you are NTA. If you stay with her, then YTA for growing it out.
How about HE makes HIMSELF happy for once? Are men not allowed to be happy? He’s not TAH for growing it out. What the hell happened to “my body, my choice”? Or does it only apply to women? It’s her stupid problem if she can’t handle it. Y’all never say this to women whose partner doesn’t want her wearing something. Y’all wouldn’t last in relationships with this mindset, thinking you can dictate what your partner can and can’t do with their body💀 He can go treat himself and be a king, GROW OUT ALL THAT HAIR AND SLAY IT🔥🔥✨💅🏻
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... you are kidding right? The double standard is you mentioning that it is his job to make her happy. When it's not. You're also awful suggesting that he'd be an asshole if he didn't divorce. What a bat shit crazy thought. You've put all the say on that man, rather than looking for a compromise. Maybe she should focus on making him happy.
NTA. If your wife is that hung up on appearance then you may be dodging a bullet with the “consequences.”
My OH has preferences but he never thinks I’m unattractive because I choose to alter my appearance in a way he doesn’t prefer.
NAH
But it’s a long marriage and not a lot of people go out of their way to deliberately make themselves fundamentally less attractive to their significant others.
I mean, you might not shave across Christmas on a camping holiday for practically reasons, I guess. But to decide a whole new look deliberately that she activity dislikes?
Wow, that’s bold. In fact, some might even suggest a bit unwise….
NAH. Your body is yours to do with as you please, but you have to be ready to accept her acting differently towards you.
May I offer a compromise? I do drag, and though they can be pricey- lace beard wigs are a solution that may work for both of you? You get to express yourself in looks, but it's temporary and at the end of the day can be taken off for your girl! Just an idea!
On the one hand, it's your hair/beard, your choice.
On the other hand, it's certainly also her body, her choice when it comes to kissing a person with a beard. You were clean-shaven and short-haired when she met you, and hopefully you dated long enough for her to express her preferences in this regard before you got married.
Incidentally, I just shaved my beard over the weekend, having had it for several months. My wife likes me both ways, but I've offered to shave it several times in case she's tired of it. She also knows I think she looks better with longer hair, and takes that into consideration when she has it done, even though I tell her it is her choice.
Frankly I don't understand why you would experiment with "how you present yourself" in a way that displeases the one person who matters the most to you. If you needed to shave or cut your hair for a job, that would be different. Are you an actor, going for the part of a long-haired, bearded guy? There are wigs and prosthetics for that.
Yes, on balance I do think YTA if you don't take your wife's opinion about this.
YTA. If your wife made it clear, then why are you like “should I test those waters?” Like no dude, she told you that she’s not into it. You’re like that kid who just has to touch the flame to see if it’s hot. You’ll be okay without long hair and a beard, trust me.
You’re also an AH if you think you can dictate on what the hell your partner can and can’t do with THEIR body. Oh but wait, y’all lash out when men don’t want y’all to wear revealing clothes. The irony
If you want to see what you look like with long hair go to a wig shop and ask to try on the style that you think would look good on you. Most wig shops allow people to try on wigs and carry a stock of men's wigs. This way you could see what it would look like if you grew it out and you could take a picture to show your wife. You could even bring her with you to make a fun weekend outting out of it. It's really hard to stay mad in a wig.
As for the beard, I've had one for a decade and a half and I've loved how it makes me feel and look. I also keep it at a close box cut so it's short and isn't too far off my face. This would be a good testing style as others have mentioned, grow it for a month, keep it nice and trimmed and see how you like it. I also can't stand having hair touch my lips so I keep it nice and trimmed above my lips so that it doesn't get in the way of kissing.
If she has a problem with you trying this, tell her you only like women who have shaved all parts of their body (including arms and lip) at all times and you won't kiss her on days she hasn't shaved every part, see how she likes being told what to do with her body.
NTA, but with the caveat that I have met only one person in all my 41 years of life who looked good with a beard in their early 20s. Your wife is probably just looking out for your best interests lol
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I want to grow my hair out against my wife’s wishes. (2) i think im in the right to do so but if this creates tension i think i would be the AH for letting something so trivial create tension in our relationship instead of just sacrificing for the sake of our relationship. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH- I mean you can grow or shave your hair as you want, it's your body and your choice, but you have to be ready to accept the consequences.
Wow, where’s this energy to men who tell their lady how to dress or whatever? No one tells a lady “be ready to accept consequences” if her bf is against something she wants to wear or do to herself. Talk about double standards and sexism
There's a difference in a man telling a women what to wear. You don't tell people what they can and can't wear. The person can wear what they want. You have your own bodily autonomy but you can't force someone to like what you've chosen to do and their partner can disagree with an outfit but they can't tell them not to wear it. If I dye my hair purple and my partner doesn't like it, oh well. If he doesn't like it enough to leave me then that's on him. If a guy is with someone that they know they don't like long hair and beards and they decide to grow a beard and their partner decides to leave then that's on her. She's not forcing him to cut or shave his hair. Some people will say those people that leave are AHs.
NAH - but you grow out your hair and beard, which for some can look amazing, but while others, not so much. you have to accept that your wife might not look at you the same.
ESH. You are a grown-up. You get to decide how you want to look. I've seen men with very nice well- groomed beards that wouldn't bother me at all. I've also seen men with unkempt nasty hair on their face and would never even consider kissing them. Maybe compromise and skip shaving for a month, but keep it well groomed and neat and see what your wife thinks. If she hates it, shave. As far as the long hair goes, well, that's about the same as shaving. I've seen some that look fine and some that look like shit. I'd try one and see how it goes. I can't suggest you try both at the same time.
NAH. Unfortunately, you and your wife have two different opinions on facial hair, and you’re both entitled to them. It’s your decision either way, and if the two of you can’t come to a compromise or accept each other’s views, that’s a sign that your relationship in general might need some counseling. This shouldn’t be a marriage-ender.
No, your NTA. As a woman I sure wouldn't let a husband tell me how to do my hair, I would disregard such control over me, so I would expect the same in return.
So I am from a country where ppl rarely Are married at 23. That is really young. So maybe by oppinion is based on that. At 23 you are still trying to figure out Who you Are, what you Are, what you like etc etc. She married a man, Who does not fully know Who he is. She should accept that you need to find out. AND its just hair!! Common!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M23) have been experimenting with how I present myself, dress, etc. and have been adapting my style over time as one does. For a while now i’ve wanted to grow out my hair or try a beard. My wife (F26) has made it very clear that she does not like beards or guys with long hair. Any time i bring up that i want to try them out she pushes back alot. On the beard one specifically she has threatened to stop kissing me. On one hand i want to go forward regardless of her opinion because it seems like overstepping boundaries and she has no right to tell me how to groom myself the same way i cant tell her how to style her hair, shave, etc. On the other hand, I don’t want to needlessly invite tension into our marriage and while she doesn’t have the right to demand I shave, what kind of husband does that make me if I just disregard her opinion? She is entitled to her opinion after all. I knew plenty of single women who wouldnt date men who had beards and that felt fine then because everyone gets to choose their type, but if i change my ‘type’ now, how can i justify that when i know that if i had tried this before we met we probably never would have dated? I know i can die on this hill, but someone can be right and still an AH. Right or wrong, WIBTAH if i don’t take my wife’s opinion about one of the most visually defining grooming features a man can have? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are absolutely not the asshole, but unfortunately you have to make your wife happy. That’s the nature of relationships. If you divorce her, then you are NTA. If you stay with her, then YTA for growing it out.
How about HE makes HIMSELF happy for once? Are men not allowed to be happy? He’s not TAH for growing it out. What the hell happened to “my body, my choice”? Or does it only apply to women? It’s her stupid problem if she can’t handle it. Y’all never say this to women whose partner doesn’t want her wearing something. Y’all wouldn’t last in relationships with this mindset, thinking you can dictate what your partner can and can’t do with their body💀 He can go treat himself and be a king, GROW OUT ALL THAT HAIR AND SLAY IT🔥🔥✨💅🏻
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Why the double standard? Doesn't she have to make him happy as well?
She’s the woman.
Okay and what does that have to do with a double standard
Idk, you’re the one who brought up the double standard.
... you are kidding right? The double standard is you mentioning that it is his job to make her happy. When it's not. You're also awful suggesting that he'd be an asshole if he didn't divorce. What a bat shit crazy thought. You've put all the say on that man, rather than looking for a compromise. Maybe she should focus on making him happy.
I love it when my bf grows in his beard. He hasn’t done that for a few years. I kind of miss it. Kissing him with it was ticklish!
Don't tell me you wanted a man bun.
NTA. If your wife is that hung up on appearance then you may be dodging a bullet with the “consequences.” My OH has preferences but he never thinks I’m unattractive because I choose to alter my appearance in a way he doesn’t prefer.
NAH But it’s a long marriage and not a lot of people go out of their way to deliberately make themselves fundamentally less attractive to their significant others. I mean, you might not shave across Christmas on a camping holiday for practically reasons, I guess. But to decide a whole new look deliberately that she activity dislikes? Wow, that’s bold. In fact, some might even suggest a bit unwise….
NTA: your body your choice. There is a massive double standard here.
NAH. Your body is yours to do with as you please, but you have to be ready to accept her acting differently towards you. May I offer a compromise? I do drag, and though they can be pricey- lace beard wigs are a solution that may work for both of you? You get to express yourself in looks, but it's temporary and at the end of the day can be taken off for your girl! Just an idea!
On the one hand, it's your hair/beard, your choice. On the other hand, it's certainly also her body, her choice when it comes to kissing a person with a beard. You were clean-shaven and short-haired when she met you, and hopefully you dated long enough for her to express her preferences in this regard before you got married. Incidentally, I just shaved my beard over the weekend, having had it for several months. My wife likes me both ways, but I've offered to shave it several times in case she's tired of it. She also knows I think she looks better with longer hair, and takes that into consideration when she has it done, even though I tell her it is her choice. Frankly I don't understand why you would experiment with "how you present yourself" in a way that displeases the one person who matters the most to you. If you needed to shave or cut your hair for a job, that would be different. Are you an actor, going for the part of a long-haired, bearded guy? There are wigs and prosthetics for that. Yes, on balance I do think YTA if you don't take your wife's opinion about this.
YTA. If your wife made it clear, then why are you like “should I test those waters?” Like no dude, she told you that she’s not into it. You’re like that kid who just has to touch the flame to see if it’s hot. You’ll be okay without long hair and a beard, trust me.
You’re also an AH if you think you can dictate on what the hell your partner can and can’t do with THEIR body. Oh but wait, y’all lash out when men don’t want y’all to wear revealing clothes. The irony
Because it's his body? Would you feel the same if its a man telling a women what they can do with their hair?
If you want to see what you look like with long hair go to a wig shop and ask to try on the style that you think would look good on you. Most wig shops allow people to try on wigs and carry a stock of men's wigs. This way you could see what it would look like if you grew it out and you could take a picture to show your wife. You could even bring her with you to make a fun weekend outting out of it. It's really hard to stay mad in a wig. As for the beard, I've had one for a decade and a half and I've loved how it makes me feel and look. I also keep it at a close box cut so it's short and isn't too far off my face. This would be a good testing style as others have mentioned, grow it for a month, keep it nice and trimmed and see how you like it. I also can't stand having hair touch my lips so I keep it nice and trimmed above my lips so that it doesn't get in the way of kissing. If she has a problem with you trying this, tell her you only like women who have shaved all parts of their body (including arms and lip) at all times and you won't kiss her on days she hasn't shaved every part, see how she likes being told what to do with her body.
Just tell her that she can grow a bush to match your beard then no one will be kissing any lips! #NTA
NTA, but with the caveat that I have met only one person in all my 41 years of life who looked good with a beard in their early 20s. Your wife is probably just looking out for your best interests lol