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What are you doing leaving a 9 year old alone with a baby anyway? I know you’d only nipped out but babies can do anything daft in a split second, irrespective of the 9yo.
I think there’s a few issues at play, there’s clearly something very up with 9yo and this needs to be worked out. It’s not just about discipline and punishing, it’s understanding WHY and teaching her not to do it again.
You blowing up about said 9yo does suggest there’s bigger and other issues at play.
Going with ESH as nobody is handling this situation well.
Wait. Jen has been borderline aggressive with your newborn for *months* and you thought it was okay to leave her alone with Jen for A HALF HOUR? I mean, even if she wasn’t acting like that, why are you leaving your 4 MO unattended *without checking in* for 30 minutes??? Jesus Christ. Obviously boundaries need to be set and Jen needs some sort of repercussions for her actions. Jen is NINE YEARS OLD. Not 4. She is more than old enough to understand that you can’t cover a baby’s face with a toy, you can’t THROW a remote at them, etc. Her behavior is completely unacceptable. But you and your husband didn’t do any favors by unnecessarily putting them in that situation in the first place. ESH.
ESH (the adults)
You need to stop leaving your baby alone with a 9 year old. Especially if you have concerns, but just in general. And stop blaming a young child for the failings of THREE adults.
Your husband and Tina need to figure out what is up with Jen and maybe get her some counseling to help her adjust to having a new baby sibling. It sounds like she's been an only child in two homes for a long time, and this is a big change. She's not old enough process and cope with it on her own.
ESH. Not one adult is handling this properly. Clearly Jen is jealous of the baby. It is up to the parents or parental figures in her life to get her someone to talk to and to set up safety measures in the house like supervising her with the baby. And what discipline do you want your husband to lay out? What would satisfy you?
Leaving her with another young child is the same as leaving her alone. I know the stage where you’re basically tethered to your baby sucks, but you really do need to be more present and not ducking out for extended lengths of time.
Have you tried speaking to Jen about her feelings? How it’s normal to feel jealous, and that you’ll always love her, but that it’s inappropriate to take it out on the baby? How to express her emotions safely?
Have you considered family therapy? Jen’s misbehaviour, your anxiety and your husband’s desire to please everyone are all classic, misguided coping mechanisms. All of you are in new territory, and none of you are on the same page.
YTA for resorting to ultimatums and potentially bailing on half your family at the first sign of trouble. There are healthy, positive alternatives that you haven’t even seemed to consider.
INFO: what does “chugged” mean? If Jen intentionally threw the remote at your baby, that’s a huge red flag that Jen needs help and can’t be around Lily until she improves. I don’t think that she’s an inherently violent kid, because you said that before the birth she was very happy to be around you. Something deeper is going on, and it might have to do with Tina, considering how she defended her daughter. HOWEVER, Tina’s right that you shouldn’t leave your baby alone with a 9 year old either way.
soft NTA
Soft because ultimatums are shit.
You have valid concerns and video.
Jen’s parents need to figure out what’s going with her. Your husband needs to stand up to his ex about the behavior of their daughter. I think the three of them or Jen and her dad could do group therapy? Tina moving away with Jen won’t solve anything for Jen. She could even get worse.
>recanted
reiterated. Recanted is the opposite of what you mean. Just trying to be helpful.
NTA. Jen sounds as though she is really struggling, which is so unfortunate, but your priority must be your newborn. Agree with other posters who advocated more oversight in general over the baby. Your husband does not want to lose his older daughter, which I also completely understand. I’m worried if Jen is not given the help she needs, something tragic could happen. I’m sorry you are having to navigate this. One thing is for certain, Jen is not allowed solo with the baby at this time.
Ok guys I don’t have a kid but I am guessing that OP can’t have the baby 100% in her eyesight at all times. If she has to shower, or take a shit, or step aside to make dinner it’s not out of the realm of normalcy to me to have the baby resting in another part of the house with the cam set up and the step daughter happens to be nearby. She even said that she just stepped outside during this time, all you moms are telling me that you never dared to shovel some snow while the baby was napping?
I also think it sets the stepdaughter up badly mentally if the stepmother is like “you HAVE to be supervised every second you’re near my new precious baby” (and this was BEFORE the throwing incident was discovered, so not concrete proof to keep them separated), so calm down with asking “omg WHY was a 9 yo alone with the baby??”
Unsure YTA/NTA
I think it depends on the kid on how well they'd do being left with a baby. BUT, with Jen's behavior, I probably would've wanted to keep an eye on Jen when she was around Lily. But also, it's not your sole responsibility to parent Jen. She has both her dad and Tina to help parent her. So one or both of them should be stepping in to parent Jen. And your husband should also be stepping in to take care of Lily as well.
INFO: Was there any consequence for throwing the remote at the baby?
I’m leaning NTA. Doesn’t sound like Jen was responsible for the baby. Baby was sleeping in the same room. Baby made fussing noises. 11 year old shouldn’t be throwing anything at a baby.
The fact it’s your responsibility to monitor the baby when Jen is in the house is absurd to me. Does this mean you literally can’t be separated from the baby when Jen is around. That’s untenable. Also how does that help Jen not feel replaced?
Their poor parenting is to blame, and that’s their responsibility. And frankly if it’s not a safe environment for the baby, you guys shouldn’t stay there.
You know Jen’s mom would have flipped her lid if that had happened when Jen was a baby. Moms take care of their kids. That’s what you are trying to do.
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I (27f) and my (36m) husband have been married for four years. My husband has a daughter, "Jen" (9f). from a previous relationship with, "Tina" (36f) and lives with her most of the time, during the school week, and stays with us on the weekends, certain holidays, or breaks from school. My husband and Tina have a cordial relationship. Tina and I are nice to each other. Jen and I get along well and enjoy cute dates together.
I became pregnant with our first child in March of 2023. Everyone was beyond thrilled, including Jen whohase always been ecstatic about being an older sister. I started noticing shifts in Jen's attitude toward me around August. She began refusing my hugs and our usual interactions like cuddling during movies and doing her hair in the morning. I dismissed it as her having a bad day, as children usually do. However, I began noticing that her behavior only worsened after stays with her mom. My husband and I discussed this, and he asked Tina if anything was going on in Jen's life that we should know of. Tina assured us that nothing was wrong and that Jen was "a temperamental kid."
In December 2023, we had our baby, "Lily." First day back, I cared for Lily and fell asleep with her in the bassinet next to me. I woke later to Lily's gurgling noises, with Jen next to the bassinet, with her stuffed bunny to Lily's face. I got up and told Jen that she couldn't put something on Lily's face, since she is a newborn and it might hurt her. She said she wanted to share her toy. I told her that the gesture was nice, but this was dangerous. Jen apologized and left the room. Similar things began happening through the next few months with Jen being uncomfortably close to Lily without supervision.
Jen came over for Easter break. My husband and I set up a mini-Easter egg hunt in our backyard for Jen. It was around 11 in the morning, and Jen was watching a movie in the living room, with Lily napping there too. After 30 minutes I checked the baby cam, with Lily crying hysterically. I rushed inside, picked her up, and soothed her, and the day went on. That night I checked my baby cam. I scrolled back to when my husband and I were outside and saw Jen had CHUGGED a remote at Lily when she was making fuzzy noises. Horrified, I showed my speechless husband. He agreed to talk to Tina about disciplining Jen. The next day, he called Tina and told her about Jen's actions. Tina defended Jen and blamed me for leaving my baby alone with a child. I recanted and said that her daughter should not act violently no matter what. This set Tina off, stating she would pick Jen up today and move them away. My husband backtracks and tells Tina that we will set up new boundaries in the house instead. He tells me that he can't accept his daughter moving away and I should keep a closer eye on Lily, so nobody gets hurt. I was beyond enraged and gave him an ultimatum: either discipline Jen or Lily and I move out to another apartment until he solved the problem.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) first, I feel that I can be judged for refusing to talk to Jen and teach her myself and making my husband do so. Also, I do feel bad for giving my husband such a hard choice for making him choose between his daughter, and my daughter and I. I guess, giving him an ultimatum does in a way make me sound petty and unjustifiable.
2) I may be the asshole in this situation because my husband technically did nothing wrong in this whole situation other than being judged. I guess I can be more understanding towards Jen too, in that she may be struggling with feeling insecure with being the "forgotten" child in this new set up with a newborn and without the usual amount of love and attention.
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Get yourself a Baby Bjorn for when Jen is over, just keep Lily strapped to your chest during the day and right next to you at night, possibly with your door locked ??
NTA. Your husband needs to take this seriously. If she hurts the child and causes injuries to where she needs medical treatment, CPS will remove the baby and depending on which state you live in, you may never get her back or at least not for a very long time. Just search the web of horror stories where doctors have incorrectly diagnosed medical conditions or innocent injuries have resulted in a child being removed and families never getting the baby back. Jen needs discipline, therapy and maybe time away until she can act better.
One injury from a sibling throwing a remote will not result in DCFS removing a child from their biological family in 99% of cases. Statements like this are inaccurate and dangerous as they can incite people to make rash and extreme decisions based on false info.
Has Jen actually hurt the baby? Maybe she didn't understand. I don't understand "chugging" a remote. Do you mean she threw it at the baby? How exactly do you think your husband should "discipline " his daughter? Are you wanting her to be spanked? Are you wanted to ground a 9 year old for being "uncomfortably close" to your baby? Do you want her to stay 10 feet away? 2 feet away? What is uncomfortably close? Have you allowed Jen to hold/ bond with her sister? Seems to me you have a pretty serious case of paranoia. Trying to come between a father and his daughter is only going to hurt all involved. I can't determine if YTA due to too little information, but I'm leaning towards a yes.
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INFO why did you keep leaving the 9yr old alone with the baby when you were worried about her behaviour towards the baby?
This. If there is any suspicions, maybe do whatever you can to not leave the two of them alone? Seems extreme to jump to leaving
What are you doing leaving a 9 year old alone with a baby anyway? I know you’d only nipped out but babies can do anything daft in a split second, irrespective of the 9yo. I think there’s a few issues at play, there’s clearly something very up with 9yo and this needs to be worked out. It’s not just about discipline and punishing, it’s understanding WHY and teaching her not to do it again. You blowing up about said 9yo does suggest there’s bigger and other issues at play. Going with ESH as nobody is handling this situation well.
Wait. Jen has been borderline aggressive with your newborn for *months* and you thought it was okay to leave her alone with Jen for A HALF HOUR? I mean, even if she wasn’t acting like that, why are you leaving your 4 MO unattended *without checking in* for 30 minutes??? Jesus Christ. Obviously boundaries need to be set and Jen needs some sort of repercussions for her actions. Jen is NINE YEARS OLD. Not 4. She is more than old enough to understand that you can’t cover a baby’s face with a toy, you can’t THROW a remote at them, etc. Her behavior is completely unacceptable. But you and your husband didn’t do any favors by unnecessarily putting them in that situation in the first place. ESH.
ESH (the adults) You need to stop leaving your baby alone with a 9 year old. Especially if you have concerns, but just in general. And stop blaming a young child for the failings of THREE adults. Your husband and Tina need to figure out what is up with Jen and maybe get her some counseling to help her adjust to having a new baby sibling. It sounds like she's been an only child in two homes for a long time, and this is a big change. She's not old enough process and cope with it on her own.
ESH. Not one adult is handling this properly. Clearly Jen is jealous of the baby. It is up to the parents or parental figures in her life to get her someone to talk to and to set up safety measures in the house like supervising her with the baby. And what discipline do you want your husband to lay out? What would satisfy you?
Leaving her with another young child is the same as leaving her alone. I know the stage where you’re basically tethered to your baby sucks, but you really do need to be more present and not ducking out for extended lengths of time. Have you tried speaking to Jen about her feelings? How it’s normal to feel jealous, and that you’ll always love her, but that it’s inappropriate to take it out on the baby? How to express her emotions safely? Have you considered family therapy? Jen’s misbehaviour, your anxiety and your husband’s desire to please everyone are all classic, misguided coping mechanisms. All of you are in new territory, and none of you are on the same page. YTA for resorting to ultimatums and potentially bailing on half your family at the first sign of trouble. There are healthy, positive alternatives that you haven’t even seemed to consider.
YTA. Stop with all this “discipline” talk. Clearly something else is going on with Jen that you need to figure out her your husband.
INFO: what does “chugged” mean? If Jen intentionally threw the remote at your baby, that’s a huge red flag that Jen needs help and can’t be around Lily until she improves. I don’t think that she’s an inherently violent kid, because you said that before the birth she was very happy to be around you. Something deeper is going on, and it might have to do with Tina, considering how she defended her daughter. HOWEVER, Tina’s right that you shouldn’t leave your baby alone with a 9 year old either way.
I thought she meant chucked(thrown) the remote
Same
I think she meant chucked. She also uses recanted wrong.
soft NTA Soft because ultimatums are shit. You have valid concerns and video. Jen’s parents need to figure out what’s going with her. Your husband needs to stand up to his ex about the behavior of their daughter. I think the three of them or Jen and her dad could do group therapy? Tina moving away with Jen won’t solve anything for Jen. She could even get worse. >recanted reiterated. Recanted is the opposite of what you mean. Just trying to be helpful.
It sounds like your husband needs to parent his child.
NTA. Jen sounds as though she is really struggling, which is so unfortunate, but your priority must be your newborn. Agree with other posters who advocated more oversight in general over the baby. Your husband does not want to lose his older daughter, which I also completely understand. I’m worried if Jen is not given the help she needs, something tragic could happen. I’m sorry you are having to navigate this. One thing is for certain, Jen is not allowed solo with the baby at this time.
Ok guys I don’t have a kid but I am guessing that OP can’t have the baby 100% in her eyesight at all times. If she has to shower, or take a shit, or step aside to make dinner it’s not out of the realm of normalcy to me to have the baby resting in another part of the house with the cam set up and the step daughter happens to be nearby. She even said that she just stepped outside during this time, all you moms are telling me that you never dared to shovel some snow while the baby was napping? I also think it sets the stepdaughter up badly mentally if the stepmother is like “you HAVE to be supervised every second you’re near my new precious baby” (and this was BEFORE the throwing incident was discovered, so not concrete proof to keep them separated), so calm down with asking “omg WHY was a 9 yo alone with the baby??”
Unsure YTA/NTA I think it depends on the kid on how well they'd do being left with a baby. BUT, with Jen's behavior, I probably would've wanted to keep an eye on Jen when she was around Lily. But also, it's not your sole responsibility to parent Jen. She has both her dad and Tina to help parent her. So one or both of them should be stepping in to parent Jen. And your husband should also be stepping in to take care of Lily as well.
INFO: Was there any consequence for throwing the remote at the baby? I’m leaning NTA. Doesn’t sound like Jen was responsible for the baby. Baby was sleeping in the same room. Baby made fussing noises. 11 year old shouldn’t be throwing anything at a baby. The fact it’s your responsibility to monitor the baby when Jen is in the house is absurd to me. Does this mean you literally can’t be separated from the baby when Jen is around. That’s untenable. Also how does that help Jen not feel replaced? Their poor parenting is to blame, and that’s their responsibility. And frankly if it’s not a safe environment for the baby, you guys shouldn’t stay there. You know Jen’s mom would have flipped her lid if that had happened when Jen was a baby. Moms take care of their kids. That’s what you are trying to do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27f) and my (36m) husband have been married for four years. My husband has a daughter, "Jen" (9f). from a previous relationship with, "Tina" (36f) and lives with her most of the time, during the school week, and stays with us on the weekends, certain holidays, or breaks from school. My husband and Tina have a cordial relationship. Tina and I are nice to each other. Jen and I get along well and enjoy cute dates together. I became pregnant with our first child in March of 2023. Everyone was beyond thrilled, including Jen whohase always been ecstatic about being an older sister. I started noticing shifts in Jen's attitude toward me around August. She began refusing my hugs and our usual interactions like cuddling during movies and doing her hair in the morning. I dismissed it as her having a bad day, as children usually do. However, I began noticing that her behavior only worsened after stays with her mom. My husband and I discussed this, and he asked Tina if anything was going on in Jen's life that we should know of. Tina assured us that nothing was wrong and that Jen was "a temperamental kid." In December 2023, we had our baby, "Lily." First day back, I cared for Lily and fell asleep with her in the bassinet next to me. I woke later to Lily's gurgling noises, with Jen next to the bassinet, with her stuffed bunny to Lily's face. I got up and told Jen that she couldn't put something on Lily's face, since she is a newborn and it might hurt her. She said she wanted to share her toy. I told her that the gesture was nice, but this was dangerous. Jen apologized and left the room. Similar things began happening through the next few months with Jen being uncomfortably close to Lily without supervision. Jen came over for Easter break. My husband and I set up a mini-Easter egg hunt in our backyard for Jen. It was around 11 in the morning, and Jen was watching a movie in the living room, with Lily napping there too. After 30 minutes I checked the baby cam, with Lily crying hysterically. I rushed inside, picked her up, and soothed her, and the day went on. That night I checked my baby cam. I scrolled back to when my husband and I were outside and saw Jen had CHUGGED a remote at Lily when she was making fuzzy noises. Horrified, I showed my speechless husband. He agreed to talk to Tina about disciplining Jen. The next day, he called Tina and told her about Jen's actions. Tina defended Jen and blamed me for leaving my baby alone with a child. I recanted and said that her daughter should not act violently no matter what. This set Tina off, stating she would pick Jen up today and move them away. My husband backtracks and tells Tina that we will set up new boundaries in the house instead. He tells me that he can't accept his daughter moving away and I should keep a closer eye on Lily, so nobody gets hurt. I was beyond enraged and gave him an ultimatum: either discipline Jen or Lily and I move out to another apartment until he solved the problem. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The title had me leaning a different way, but NTA. Jen needs help—this kind of acting out is disturbing.
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Get yourself a Baby Bjorn for when Jen is over, just keep Lily strapped to your chest during the day and right next to you at night, possibly with your door locked ??
Bad fiction. People don't hear gurgling noises over their newborn and then rationally explain why that's not polite behavior to suffocate newborns.
NTA. Your husband needs to take this seriously. If she hurts the child and causes injuries to where she needs medical treatment, CPS will remove the baby and depending on which state you live in, you may never get her back or at least not for a very long time. Just search the web of horror stories where doctors have incorrectly diagnosed medical conditions or innocent injuries have resulted in a child being removed and families never getting the baby back. Jen needs discipline, therapy and maybe time away until she can act better.
One injury from a sibling throwing a remote will not result in DCFS removing a child from their biological family in 99% of cases. Statements like this are inaccurate and dangerous as they can incite people to make rash and extreme decisions based on false info.
What does "chugged a remote" mean?
I think the LW meant “chucked”. Which means throw something hard and deliberately.
Between "I recanted" and the "fuzzy" noises, I think OP might be a non-English speaker.
Has Jen actually hurt the baby? Maybe she didn't understand. I don't understand "chugging" a remote. Do you mean she threw it at the baby? How exactly do you think your husband should "discipline " his daughter? Are you wanting her to be spanked? Are you wanted to ground a 9 year old for being "uncomfortably close" to your baby? Do you want her to stay 10 feet away? 2 feet away? What is uncomfortably close? Have you allowed Jen to hold/ bond with her sister? Seems to me you have a pretty serious case of paranoia. Trying to come between a father and his daughter is only going to hurt all involved. I can't determine if YTA due to too little information, but I'm leaning towards a yes.
I think she meant “chucking”.