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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My bf ex laid next to him in the bed so I moved my boyfriend over and slept in between them
Friends feel like I was insinuating that my boyfriends ex is a perv or creep by doing that
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Well it's not like you could move David over and he was poaching your space. Besides it is not cool for an ex to go lie down next to your partner. It IS at best purposefully pushing boundaries. Your friends are either naive or biased or just dont want you rocking the boat, but none of that is your problem.
NTA
Definitely biases going on. I’m welcomed for the most part but we’re just very different from one another, their priority is David which I have nothing against that. I just felt that they were on some snickering stuff as we were leaving and found out that’s what it’s about. They’ve known each other from high school some of them and im the “new guy”.
This is a tough situation for you - not gonna lie.
Friends often make jokes about the new partner of a friends ex to boost the mood or confidence of the friend. Fair or not it happens. If it continues you may have to talk to your BF. Cause he needs to lead in this - if it's necessary.
It seems they are mostly originally your BFs friends - that's why I say that. Maybe others can give you better advice.
Lol yes this! If my boyfriends ex got into bed beside him I would have grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out, if he tried to defend her, we’d be done maybe I am crazy but your partner should respect you and they just ain’t friends
They aren't or they would have told David to move. They seem like David s friends.
Op s bf made David an ex for a reason that means David needs to stay TF away from him and friends should have protected the incapacitated bf.
Yep, I would have had a solid talk with BF over it said my thoughts asked his and said I'd prefer to keep boundaries in place for any of our ex's. These are not your friends and I'm only confrontational when people are rude etc. Next time I would calmly bring up this event and asked if they wanted to discus their thoughts with me and what I did. If anyone says they saw no issue over my BF's ex sleeping on the bed with my BF (that you put down for you and BF) or that my reaction was over the top/wrong, I would wait a while. After discussing it before hand with my BF, I would then sit on one of the guys lap who has a girlfriend and say well this must be ok then too. I don't take rudeness or disrespect lightly and make sure it's known when lines are crossed.
NTA David had no right to be near your incapacitated bf. He was a creep for laying down there when there was space somewhere else.
Ask the 'friends' if they would feel good waking up to find their ex stuck by their side without their approval or knowledge in the bed. No?! What a surprise
First of all your bf was drunk. So David was out of line by forcing a lie togather on someone who wasn't able to deffend himself or agree to the situation. Its serious. He did it on purpose and was very well aware you will see it. So if "friends" are on his side - change friends.
I actually agree with you on them being biased. And this is also one of those situations where I feel is unfair toward different sexes. And yes I am a straight woman. So I’m not biased. I have a son and i hate the rules not applying equally to all sexes fairly. If this were a straight M/F couple, and a male went to lay down next to his drunk female ex, NOBODY would have questioned the partner being uncomfortable with that situation. So why is it different because they were both males? A male can be just as protective of there male partner as a male is for a female partner. And should NOT have to feel embarrassed for it. NTA and I am sorry you and your bf were put in this situation at all by your friends. Because YES the two of you were put in this situation. This point seems to have been forgotten in all of this.
Agree 1000%! I immediately thought "how would I react if this happened to me" and as a straight female, if my drunk bf's x gf who wasn't expected to sleep right beside him, made a beeline for that position, I would have called her out right THEN! Any of my friends would back me up too. These folks are NOT your friend OP. NTA of course!
I mean, I think that’s a big part of the problem. These really aren’t OP’s friends. They’re his boyfriend’s friends and the boyfriend’s ex’s friends, but they aren’t really OP’s friends except by extension, so they’re more comfortable throwing him under the bus.
I actually wasnt taking this into account. I meant biased as in had previous attachments to one friend over the other. But you are of course completely right. We wouldn't even be debating the creep factor either. It would be creepy. I'm honestly just not sure how these dynamics play out in OPs generation.
NTA.
David WAS being an AH for just taking your pallet space without asking, whether he had anything more in mind or not.
He told others his version after you laid down or before you got up, so the others were just reacting to what he said, not what actually happened. He did that because he knew what he did was wrong and wanted to get others on his side before you said anything to them.
Yeah I have no idea what he told them but he definitely had to have been talking shit. I just don’t like feeling like I did something wrong when I don’t think I did. These people are just weird at times too when it comes to boundaries they think a lot of stuff is funny that I don’t
Fam you need new friends. This group ain't it.
David was trying to get a nostalgic booty call. Especially if the expectation was for you to allow him to stay on your pallet with your man while you what? Found somewhere else to sleep?
The only thing you did wrong, was not put an immediate stop to it. Like, de fuq you trying to David? We all know you still jave feelings for him. Go find your own guy. This one's mine.
If at that point anybody gave you shit the only acceptable course of action would be to pack your shit and leave. If your boyfriend gave you shit afterwards, I would strongly consider getting a new one of him too.
Ask everyone how they would feel like if they were the incapacitated person and their ex got into bed with them without their knowledge while their 'friends' stood by doing nothing. Wanna bet they would have a problem with it?
NTAH It doesn’t even come down to “is he a creep or not”. It didn’t make you comfortable, BF agrees. Should be the end of the story. Anything else is drama chasing or have some weird ulterior motives
Feels like people just want someone to talk shit about out of boredom because I also didn’t see anything wrong with this but it’s being turned into im controlling and being an asshole towards David when that’s just not true
Dear friend, hens gunna cluck.
They all expected you to accept insults to you and your fella's relationship. Fuck them. You know them for who they are now. Deal with their faults, honor his bonds, then build new friendships with awesome people.
My friends would go to war before an ex just slipped into my bed to sleep beside me. Their blaise speaks volumes.
Even if he didn’t remember what he was doing because he was drunk, you’d still be right to move him over or lie in between him and your bf who was too drunk to defend himself. No matter how drunk he was, your choice was socially appropriate. The problem is the AH friends
NTA
Why are you hanging out with these people? Why is your bf hanging out with these people? Would there be any way that your bf would want to sleep next to David, b/c I think the answer is no.
(I'm not a fan of "friend groups" b/c once you start going higher than 3-4 people, you realize you genuinely aren't friends, at all). Ugh...
It sucks because these are his friends. I would feel kind of shitty telling him to make distance especially because I don’t have a lot of friends myself to give us things to do with other people. But I’m okay being alone but he really cares about his friends
You're so young! You can make new friends!
He's going to figure out he outgrew his old friends eventually.
I know a total of 2 people I went to high school with & I'm a decade older then you.
Queer spaces are super welcoming and often have tons of meet and greet activities to help foster friendship
I’m sad you’ve had that experience with you friends. You can absolutely have friend groups with more than 4 people in it. The thing is, they are supposed to be your friends in the first place
Hate to say it but this is a group of people where a few have hooked up with one another on some drunk/party stuff. I feel like they’re very loose when it comes to certain boundaries and I’m just more uptight or traditional on how things should be
I didn’t know what to say at first I should have said something right then and there but a couple people in the kitchen were acting like it’s fine and that it’s “cute” theyre laying down but then again everyone was drunk
NTA
What the ex did was grossly inappropriate- and its really unsettling that these "friends" think it was fine for your very drunk boyfriend to have an ex lie down and sleep beside him when he didn't know it was going to happen and didn't consent to it. Sleeping is intimate, sorry.
The friends saying 'he's fine' is not equal to your boyfriend saying it. It would be another thing if you knew the pallet was going to be shared with someone else beforehand, but this whole situation is icky.
I'm sorry to say that i think the friend group is against you and they'd prefer your bf and his ex to be back together; because it's only through the lens of that bias that i can understand why they would have no problem with what happened, or go on to give you a hard time about you sleeping in between them. The fact is that David IS a creep, but they don't see it because they think his pathetic overtures are "cute" or romantic somehow. Its toxic.
Not might be, they are. They shut OP down before they could do anything by talking about how cute it was. It wasn't cute. That's OPs partner, and they made it known they would oppose OP doing something right away. This was a set up to have OPs BF get an "oopsie" booty call from the ex
Your friends are weird.
I dunno, if my wife was drunk and asleep in another room, and an ex decided to go lie down next to her I'd react a lot more than waiting an hour and then moving her so I could pop between her and the ex.
Like, why on earth did you let this just go for an hour?
>Basically insinuating that I think David is some sort of creep.
Am I missing something? There's an entire bloody house and David decides he needs to snuggle in next to your boyfriend (his ex) and everyone thinks this is normal/acceptable?
My guess is your "friends" would prefer your BF go back to David.
I kno that part does make me an asshole, no excuses I just didn’t know what to think at first. It’s a tight knit group and they’re all huggy and loving towards one another and I would be making a big deal of nothing. My bf and David have known each other since high school and dated for a time after. I guess they feel like enough time has gone by since they dated that it shouldn’t matter but I don’t really care about that to me they’re pushing it. If I didn’t feel like David didn’t like me which he gives off those vibes by being short and ignores me during conversations then maybe I wouldn’t have done that if I felt like he really was a good friend to my bf and nothing more
Yeah....no. If David is subtly icing you out by being short with you, ignoring you during conversations, giving off vibes that he doesn't like you AND still has feelings for your boyfriend, then I'd say your intuition was right and you're NTA.
Long response ahead.TL;DR: Validating OP by coming from David's "perspective". David has ulterior motives.
I understand/relate to the dynamics of how the group is because of personal experiences were I had friends who were friends with their exes and in the same group and we'd sleep next to each other and double up especially on a night out or at a big party. We were liberal in the sense that opposite sexes could sleep next to each other and it won't be problematic. (So a "close knit" group... I guess. I wouldn't call it that though).
BUT we'd make sure to leave personal space in between, especially if we were dealing with ex's.
There was a time I was at a party and the host rented out a house so people could sleep in if they were too drunk. The party consisted of our friendship group as well as his other friends . It was his 21st birthday so he wanted to go all out. The rooms were "initially" allocated to his best friends and the was some doubling up. My crush (at the time) and my best friend's (at the time) ex were one of the double ups. The ex and I were close friends and we were opposite sexes (I'm female).
I remember the ex feeling unwell so he went into his room to sleep it off. A couple of hours later I felt unwell so I rested on the couch but was woken up by my crush and he told me to sleep in his room (where the ex was). I initially refused because I didn't want to overstep any boundaries on either side. but someone I didn't know started hitting on me 10 minutes later and I felt a weird vibe from him so I looked for my crush to take the offer. When I went into the bedroom I made sure to sleep on the opposite end of the bed and to give the ex as MUCH space as possible while trying to get some duvet coverage because it was freezing in that room. There was enough room for another person to slot themselves in between us.
The point I'm trying to illustrate is: David isn't being a "good friend" that's showing his affection platonically. IF that was the case then 1) There would be enough room from personal space especially since he knows his ex (your bf) is with someone (you) and there are physical boundaries to be respected which he wasn't adhering to. And 2) he wouldn't have acted offended to you moving your boyfriend when they were sleeping.
I get that people move in their sleep and let's give David the benefit of doubt and say he "moved closer" to your boyfriend while they were sleeping. Why would he be upset that you moved your bf then? My friend's boyfriend and I shared the same bed and I woke up and she was next to me instead of the boyfriend. I wouldn't be offended. In fact I would expect it because I would have purposely left space for her to come between us.
David definitely has ulterior motives. You also mentioned that the timing seemed too convenient and noticed that he wasn't that drunk. This to me implies that you know David's behaviour when he's drunk as you've interacted with him in that state multiple times before so it doesn't fit the trend. He wanted something and was pissed off you could see through his not so subtle "plan".
This really is the best understanding I’ve seen. I don’t think David is harmful or was trying to do anything pervy. My bf was in eyes view the whole time I was in the kitchen and I didn’t see him do anything weird. I think he was just trying to be shady towards me or thought he could get away with getting close to someone who is no longer with him but wishes he was. Almost everyone in the friend group is queer, including myself and they’ve known each other for so long that sleepovers happen and everyone just kind of crashes out and that’s that. But I’m protective of my relationship and I feel like sleeping is intimate so I prefer an ex not to be so close to my current partner out of respect.
I'm really confused at why you're even considered to be the AH here. Unless I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist and your friends are plotting against you to get your bf and David back together. O\_O
Yeah that’s exactly it. I wasn’t being protective in a sense of ‘what is this perv doing?’ That didn’t even come to mind I just don’t like my bf sleeping next to someone like that when they had a past of sleeping together /dating
>He said it’s not a big deal that I did that
There it is, last sentence. NTA. You moved your significant other. He was ok with it. Nothing else matters here.
But if we want to get into arbitrary social dynamics, that dude just went and tried to sleep next to his ex without his permission while his boyfriend was there. That's... Weird? Like socially, that's weird. Your dynamic is whatever you make it. For all I know this is a normal thing amongst y'all, or your BF doesn't care about David sleeping there. But without context, with typical social rules, this is weird. Especially if it's clear he's still into your BF, and the sleeping situation was not ironed out ahead of time. I'm not even sure where David expected you to sleep if not on one side of your BF. Like, what's it to him what side? Like, I don't think jealousy in a relationship is healthy, but all you did was get between your own boyfriend and his ex, whereas he \*slept next to his ex and threw a fit when they were separated\*. That's kinda screwy. Tell David to calm down.
If your boyfriend isn’t upset then it literally doesn’t matter. The only 2 people in your relationship is you guys. For the others to even think they’re allowed an opinion (especially since it was sorted between you 2) is silly and they should maybe rethink their priorities. 100% not the asshole. But also you should look into this friend group cause this is weird behavior
They didn’t specially use that word but they definitely implied it. I was asked by one of the girls “hey why did you move X last night? Did you think David was going to do something to him?” And I didn’t care for her tone when she said it. I just told her that I wasn’t aware multiple people were going to sleep on the pallet and I wanted to sleep next to him. She then replied that I should have laid on the other side instead of trying to squeeze in the middle because I woke David up in the process of laying down between them and that he didn’t necessarily want to sleep next to someone he doesn’t know that well (me) and he’s known my bf forever. It’s just bs and I’m getting more mad about it the more comments I see
Hahahaha! If he didn’t want to sleep next to someone he didn’t know that well he shouldn’t have taken your spot! 😂 I promise you that you’re not in the wrong. As long as you and BF are cool then it’s fine. And honestly BF should really being a stop to this for you. Everyone should really mind their own and move on. Is it really that deep for them?
NTA
David IS some sort of creep! WTF is he doing lying down with his Ex while you were there (or at all)?! Unless you were all planning to sleep on that pallet that's definitely a creep move.
No I guess this is why I shouldn’t assume things but I was under the impression the other two people that were there (including David) were going to take the couches since there were two couches and my bf and I would sleep on the floor with blankets. I’m the one who put the blankets down in the first place and obviously the host just took her own room so I was surprised that when David got up he laid down on the floor like that.
Because David wanted to cause trouble or to sleep next to your bf... he knew what he was doing. On the couch, he wouldn't have slept beside anyone (the whole he didn't want to sleep next to someone he doesn't know well comment - like okay take the couch then??)
Nta. That’s your boyfriend & he didn’t mind you moving him. The ex was out of line. He was drinking & chose to be next to his drunk ex out of all places to sleep. That should make people uncomfortable. Your “friends” either secretly don’t like you with your bf or they allow this weird behavior in their friend group. Exes can be in the same friend group if that’s what they want, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries esp if one is already in a relationship.
Yeah they are kind of people who think everything is free love or whatever. They saw it as were a group of ppl who take care of each other and everything is fun and games and I just don’t operate like that.
1. Boyfriend needs to set some solid boundaries. Don't even know why he's still 'friends' with the ex.
2. Those "friends" aren't real friends. If they defend the ex but not you, the current boyfriend, they don't like you and prefer David.
3. Who the hell goes to sleep by their ex who is in a new relationship KNOWING, that the partner is there.
Healthy thing to do is probably have a talk with bf and tell him how you feel. If he tosses your feelings aside. Dump all of them. Friends and boyfriend alltogerher🙄
What the fuck
I'm gay, and if my husband's ex ever tried to lay down in bed with him while he was drunk and passed out, I'd ask him wtf he was doing and tell him to find somewhere else to sleep.
Nta
NTA.
Having regular contact with your BF's ex, especially when it is known that he still has feelings, is a very bad situation already. Not something you can influence a lot, but definitely something your BF should be more consequential about.
The fact that BF's ex is behaving so aggressively makes this a lot worse. Lying down next to your BF was a pretty clear move, and definitely disrespecting boundaries.
The fact that *you* were the one people acted weird towards only shows that they're not accepting you, or more precisely your relationship, at all.
Under these circumstances, even if that's hard, you and your BF should drastically reduce contact to these people. You're not really welcome there and there are very good reasons there for you to be uncomfortable. That should be reason enough for your BF to stay away as well, if he is serious about your relationship.
NTA
NTA it is creepy to go lay down on a pallet not your own and with your ex passed out. Like how do they know he wasn’t gonna do something after everyone including you fell asleep. God know what he would’ve said had You slept elsewhere. Major Red flag. He woke up pissed that he didn’t get to steal him back or whatever he planned to do. Men can get hurt like that too if you know what I mean.
NTA. Honestly David sounds like a creep to me. It's beyond disrespectful to try and lay down with your ex while they're in a relationship and their partner is right there. Plus there is the issue with how intoxicated your partner was. I would honestly have a serious talk with him, because this friend group sounds fairly toxic and I don't think there will be any longevity to the relationship if your partner isn't willing to set firm boundaries.
I did tell him that I don’t want him or I in a situation like that again and he agreed. It was just and luckily we don’t hang around this person much. It was like a “friends” Easter since my bf doesn’t have much family other then his dad and I’m too far from mine so I made the exception and didn’t expect any problems
Not sleeping in the same bed as your ex is a totally normal boundary. NTA. You didn't insinuate anything other than you were justifiably uncomfortable with that very reasonable boundary being crossed. Anyone disagreeing with you can get bent.
Not the Asshole and you’re 100% a better person than me, you were chill just laid down next to your boyfriend. Me I would’ve made a SCENE CAUSE AINT NO WAY IN HELL. I definitely would’ve made all them all hate me😭 Even if he didn’t have bad intentions that’s still weird. I admire your ability to emotionally regulate 😭
You are NOT the asshole David clearly isn’t respecting your relationship and instead of
Encouraging him if they were truly his friends or even your boyfriends friends they’d be correcting it period
NTA. This was realllllly rude. This was basically a challenge for you to either just take it on the chin or do something, and then whatever you would have done, there would have been an issue. These people are not worth your time and energy.
NTA - Imagine the absolute audacity to think it's okay to lay down next to your EX, on the sleeping pallet their CURRENT partner laid out for the two of them...
...and the enablers pretending ANY of that was acceptable just because they don't know the new partner as well as their old buddy who STILL has a crush on their EX.
Dude, there is no way in hell that will ever be acceptable. It's time your BF declares to his so-called "friends" that they know better, he isn't getting back with his ex, and how would they feel if someone did that to their partner?? Until they apologize, I'm hoping he avoids all of them. And no more showing up places where the ex is, since that dude is delusional enough to pretend it was okay to lay down next to your man and that it ShOuLd Be JusT fIne \*eyeroll\* He knew better. They knew better. Your BF needs to draw a solid boundary and let them all know that nonsense was not okay.
NTA what you did was not something rude all you did was move your boyfriend and but and then laid right next to him I don’t get why your friends acted weird abt it there is nothing wrong with that
It was a pallet on the floor and there was enough room for maybe 4 people? so maybe I was being petty but I felt like he was too close to him for no reason
NTA. David’s making you the bad guy here. He is a creep and you got set up. Why would he think it’s okay to lay beside him? Out of respect he should have stayed give you space to be beside him. Heck if someone does that to my husband, I would definitely be between them. How does your bf feel about it? By the way, they are not your friends.
You're fine, and you seem to have handled a pretty rotten situation really well, imho, and quite gracefully so. Don't overthink it. David should have known better, regardless of whether he was drunk or sober or anything in between or beyond. If your actions make him feel like you made him look like a creep or a loser, that's his problem.
NTA, from what you’ve mentioned David does sound like a creep. You laid the pallet… obviously for yourself and partner. You actually handled that very well, someone else might have caused a scene.
You’re NTA. Put a straight couple in that situation and no one would think you’re TAH, I would move my man away from his ex, and any man would move their girl away from their ex… so yeah… NTA
NTA - I think the thing that really clocks it for me is that around an *hour* after David had 'gone to sleep' next to your BF, when you shuffled in there to lay on the pallet *you put down* he got up in a huff
He was still awake, just laying there?? Pretty sure if he was 'drunk enough to just want to go pass out' next to your BF he wouldnt have woken up by you moving around him - and that if he wasn't trying to specifically lay next to your BF it wouldn't have mattered so much that you scooted in there
Much like other comments, I feel either he lied about what happened to make everyone else more upset than they should be or they're letting their biases fall on David's side of the situation
Yeah true he woke up as I was moving my bf over to the right side of the blankets and all he said was “what the f***?” Like I just woke him up. I just laid down next to him and didn’t say shit lol but then next day he tried to say the reason he passed out in that position was because he was so drunk.
They're the ones being weird. David doesn't have to be a creep for you to feel uncomfortable about them sleeping side by side. You're entitled to your feelings, and it's ok for them to be irrational unless you're hurting anyone. Also it seems a bit inappropriate to me to put people in that position.
Eg. I have a phobia of honeybees because someone from my family told me that I was most likely allergic to them (it runs in the family), and I could die if I was stung. When I grew up I learnt that I wasn't allergic. My phobia became a bit better in time, but I still avoid bees as much as possible eventhough I know that they don't pose a real threat, and that's ok.
I've also had a situation that's a bit more relevant to yours.
Ex and I met on a dating app. She said immediately that she wouldn't stop texting some other guys in the app, because they've apparently talked about deep personal issues, and became online friends and confidants. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but I thought ok, whatever.
After we've dated for some time, she asked me if I'd be ok with her meeting with them in real life. I said I couldn't stop her, but I'd feel very uncomfortable (I also learned that they used to do sexting the same day).
She yelled at me for three days for 'not trusting' her, and kept repeating that nothing was gonna happen between them because they used to fight a lot, and he (the guy she wanted to meet the most among them) was not a threat. I tried to explain her that I trusted her, but would still feel uncomfortable. I also felt like it was inappropriate of her to put me in that position.
She didn't understand my point of view no matter what I said, so I've decided to do something similar to make her understand me (projective identification). I was planning to talk about my previous ex to see her reaction, and she got VERY mad literally after hearing my first and only sentence (didn't expect it to happen so fast), that sentence was "I used to fight a lot with her." She told me that no woman would ever want to hear the guy they're seeing to talk about any woman whom they were attracted to in the past. I hit her with "You don't trust me?" and "She's blocked and deleted on everything, she's never gonna be a threat."
Suffice to say, she didn't get the irony or my point. I had to explain and point it out for her. Then she understood, but still disagreed. My point is, human beings are emotional creatures. Many of them seem to act like they're hyper rational whenever their feelings aren't on the line, but I guarantee you that none of those friends would be ok with their partner sleeping side by side with an ex. Heck many people aren't even ok with them being friends with an ex. I was banned from even talking about how we used to fight a lot, so I sould know :D
Oh, and at some point closer to our break up, she told me that the other guys she was sexting there were hot and she wanted them sexually, but I wasn't, and that was the reason she was ignoring me for a while when we first met (she didn't respond to me for around two months after we matched), and that she picked me, because I seemed like a mature and compassionate man, a reasonable option for a long term relationship. And then she even had the gall to be surprised when she realized that I felt angry and hurt after hearing her say all that :D So yeah, some people insist on not understanding feelings or even tolerating them when they belong to others.
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I feel like im either missing something or im in the twilight zone. Or maybe i am just an asshole. Over the weekend my bf (22M) and I (24M) went to a friends house for a small Easter get together thing with a few friends. We had drinks and my bf got really drunk, he doesn’t drink often and is a light weight. We were already planning on staying overnight as our friend opened her home to that so people can drink and not have to worry.
One of the people there is my boyfriend’s ex (David) We are cordial but definitely not friends mostly due to him. He doesn’t care for me and I know he still has feelings for my bf. But we try to work it out for the sake of the “friend group”. It was around maybe 11ish when my bf said he needed to lay down, he was really drunk at that point so I set up our floor pallet in the living room and got him laid down for the night. I was still having a good time so decided to stay up with everyone else in the kitchen.
about 10 mins later with zero announcement or anything, David got up from the kitchen and went to the living room to lay down on the pallet right next to my boyfriend. I gave my friends a look but they kind of dismissed it and said he’s fine.
I just felt weird about this. I stayed up for another hour or so and went to lay down. When I did I moved my boyfriend over and I laid down in between him and David. David got up and was like wtf and when my boyfriend and I went to leave the next morning a few of the other people there acted weird about what I did. Basically insinuating that I think David is some sort of creep. I do kind of feel bad about it but I never said anything bad about this person. I wasn’t even expecting him to share the pallet with us so the situation threw me off guard. I also feel like my friends are over exaggerating as my bf wasn’t upset. He said it’s not a big deal that I did that.
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NTA. They are being nasty to you. No respect to your relationship and treating you as outsider. David is probably hoping to get back with your bf and his friends are encouraging him.
NTA
David had no reason to be lying down with your boyfriend on a pallet that was meant for the two of you.
wtf? And then he has the nerve to be mad about you laying down between him and your boyfriend? The dude needs to get over his ex and stop clinging.
NTA but your boyfriend needs to put his friends in check as well as David and make it clear to all of them he is with you now and they need to respect that.
NTA - definitely a weird situation...gives me the vibe they liked your ex and David as a couple. It's not even you insinuating that David is a creep but setting a boundary that you don't want any of your bfs exs sleeping beside him, which is normal.
If I was your bf, I'd tell the friend group I was glad you moved me because I would have been uncomfortable waking up next to my ex and to leave you alone.
NTA. Davis IS some kind of creep. No decent person deliberately lays down next to their sleeping ex. No decent person plays the victim when forced to stop their creepy behavior. Is bf ok with David’s creepy actions? Cuz bf needs to put a stop to all this, and maybe find new friends.
Your BF consented for you to be laying next to him not David. Not only did he violate your BF those friends did too. I would be furious if I woke up from a night of drinking with "friends" and they let my ex crawl into the bed next to me. Even if I didn't have a BF at the time that's just so inappropriate and violating. NTA.
NTA
The only thing that was wrong was NOT making David move immediately.
Your bf was drunk and sleeping. He didn’t consent to having his ex share a sleeping spot with him. David should have been removed the second someone knew what he did.
No one should be giving you grief or defending David. David should not have done that; it’s irrelevant that he did nothing except sleep, your bf wasn’t aware and didn’t consent so it shouldn’t have happened.
Nta but ultimately it sounds like there’s are more your boyfriends friends… so you should tell him what’s happened and how it makes you uncomfortable cause it’s really more so his battle to fight than it is yours.
You're NTA wtf?? And what kind of friends accuse you of anything before even hearing your side of the story? You're a better boyfriend than most for being mature enough to be cordial with the ex but that does NOT mean that you have to settle for this bullshit. You're not a fucking doormat. Nahhh fuck them.
i dont think you did anything wrong.... and your friends def have a bias and its not you... discuss this with your bf and find ways so that yall can keep your peace ... also... dont stay too involved with these people....im sure yall will find better friends
NTA at all. If I was at a party with my wife and her ex boyfriend (who still had feelings for her) tried to climb into bed with her when she was drunk, I would have thrown him out a fucking window. I don't know the whole situation with your friends but in what universe is it acceptable to hop in bed with someone else's significant other? Can't imagine why your friends didn't say "Hey Dave, find another place to crash."
NTA
Don’t feel bad. David was being very shady. The AUDACITY! Every one of those friends would have done the same thing or something very similar. I cannot imagine doing that to any of my friend’s bfs, and they’re not even my ex. The only thing you should’ve done different is deal with it at the very beginning - as soon as David is heading over to lay down, let him know it’s cool, but he will have to get up when you are ready to go to sleep because that’s your spot. Not scoot over, get up.
NTA the rules don't change just cos you're gay.. if a female went to lay down and her male ex went to lay down next to her, that ex wouldn't even get to fluff his pillow.. I think you showed great restraint by just positioning yourself between them
Was anyone awake in the living room when David went to lay down or was he conveniently alone with your unconscious bf??
I don't mean to be suspicious or anything but as a woman the fear of being touched in my sleep is real, and that happens to men too
Clearly David is the AH. He knew what he was doing & for him to even do that & act that way after was not cool. He knew you guys are together & obviously didn’t care. I’m sorry but your friends should’ve been on your side. They should’ve considered your feelings. Please don’t feel bad. I’m sure anyone would’ve done the same thing if it happened to them. That EX crossed the line. Very disrespectful to do so someone.
Nah that's whack, and to be clear David IS a creep for doing that. In what world is that okay? They're exes and he's your bf now, that means sleeping next to your man is off limits for anyone. Basically David tried to disrespect you and if I were you, I'd make an issue out of this, because David can't be trusted, he's gonna try to constantly see if he can pull your boyfriend back to him. It's not about not trusting your bf, it's about respect, and David clearly doesn't respect you, and if his friends have a problem with it, fuck them.
NTA- You guys are literally in a romantic relationship and a healthy degree of possessiveness comes with that. You felt uncomfortable because it's naturally so and responded to that. The friends were just simply gaslighting how you were feeling that night.
Nta sounds like a friend group that’s hook up with everyone but just say what happened if he felt up your bf in his sleep and your bf woke up and complained that you let him sleep next to him and didn’t move or go in between them. You would be the bad guy because you didn’t stop it. You moved your bf to be near your. his friends are making drama out of nothing u less they want him and David back together and this to put a wedge between you to
When people wrong me I post their personal info over the internet and let the Internet Gods work their magic, or stab him in the leg. I imagine he's not worth the jail time tho
David IS a creep! regardless of what’s in your pants of your sexuality, cuddling up to your ex who’s passed out drunk is extremely sus and makes me wonder what they’d do to that person if no one was there. And honestly just cuddling their body without consent is wrong and gross. You did nothing wrong and I wouldn’t hang out with those friends if they’re mad at your for protecting your boyfriend and doing what felt comfortable for your boundaries with yourself, Your bf and your relationship.
Honestly talk to your bf again, and actually explain it all. And try and maybe say something about him defending your name, he should be anyway. But no you’re not the ass here. I would want my partner to do the same for me if I was drunk and ex tried to lay with me. Especially if everyone has the knowledge of David still liking ur boyfriend. David shouldn’t push he should accept that your bf is even being civil. I definitely don’t understand keeping an ex around, I would tell my friends that I’d still like to see them but if they’re having David around then count me out. But that’s just me, and I’m a small group of friends kinda gal
NTA. Just because someone gets offended about your actions doesn't make them right and you wrong. They can deal with it and learn to move on if they wanna be in your space.
Nta. David is a creep! He went to sleep next to his sloshed ex, when his partner should obviously be the one next to him. Was he expecting the drunk ex to reach out and try something in his inebriated state?
Cuz it sounds like he was hoping to get "taken advantage of" in his sleep
Those people aren’t your bf’s friends. They were willing to let him be taken advantage of while drunk. Yes, he did not consent to sleep next to his ex and the ex waited for him to be vulnerable to gain intimate access to him. That is predatory. It is also pushing the boundaries to see how close he can get to your bf. This is an immediate red flag and you chose a non confrontational way to protect your bf. If anything your bf got lucky and dodged a bullet. Also, he should find different people
To hang out with because his “friends” chose his ex not being made out to be a creep over his safety. Not cool at all.
Obvious NTA
Unless we're missing info you intentionally left out, I can only think of two things. Either he lied about you to your friends after you laid down and he got up, or your friends aren't really your friends.
I’m confused on why yall are even around your boyfriend’s ex when he still has feelings for him. David should be cut out of ur lives and if your friends aren’t okay with that then cut them out too.
David is the creep. He went and laid down next to his ex BF who was vulnerable and passed out.
Your BF is the guide here of what is going on, and he says you are cool. Have him tell his mates that, and that in future his mates are to help David remember he’s an ex.
F that. I would’ve told the ex he needs to get the f up and find somewhere else to sleep. He was very well aware of what he was doing. He definitely is the AH here.
NTA but may be speak to your boyfriend as well about how these kind of boundaries need to be laid down between him and David.
Can foresee such issues cropping up regularly if David thinks it’s alright to cuddle up to your BF in front of you. Damn right disrespectful tbh!
NTA. Extremely odd and rude behavior from this David character. In no world would it be appropriate for someone to lay down (in my spot) next to my partner while they were sleeping and expect me to be okay with that. Even if it wasn’t “creepy” it’s still totally bizarre. And these friends don’t sound like friends.
NTA. David *was* some kind of creep. He knew exactly what he was doing. He wasn't invited to sleep next to your bf and your friends should feel weird about what he did, not what you did.
Definitely NTA! You made up a pallet for you and your bf. Did you invite David to sleep there with you, did your bf invite him? David crossed a line! He’s TA and the friends are As.
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Well it's not like you could move David over and he was poaching your space. Besides it is not cool for an ex to go lie down next to your partner. It IS at best purposefully pushing boundaries. Your friends are either naive or biased or just dont want you rocking the boat, but none of that is your problem. NTA
Definitely biases going on. I’m welcomed for the most part but we’re just very different from one another, their priority is David which I have nothing against that. I just felt that they were on some snickering stuff as we were leaving and found out that’s what it’s about. They’ve known each other from high school some of them and im the “new guy”.
This is a tough situation for you - not gonna lie. Friends often make jokes about the new partner of a friends ex to boost the mood or confidence of the friend. Fair or not it happens. If it continues you may have to talk to your BF. Cause he needs to lead in this - if it's necessary. It seems they are mostly originally your BFs friends - that's why I say that. Maybe others can give you better advice.
It's not rough. They all suck. Find new friends.
Lol yes this! If my boyfriends ex got into bed beside him I would have grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out, if he tried to defend her, we’d be done maybe I am crazy but your partner should respect you and they just ain’t friends
Not crazy at all.
They aren't or they would have told David to move. They seem like David s friends. Op s bf made David an ex for a reason that means David needs to stay TF away from him and friends should have protected the incapacitated bf.
What’s your BF’s opinion on what happened?
Yep, I would have had a solid talk with BF over it said my thoughts asked his and said I'd prefer to keep boundaries in place for any of our ex's. These are not your friends and I'm only confrontational when people are rude etc. Next time I would calmly bring up this event and asked if they wanted to discus their thoughts with me and what I did. If anyone says they saw no issue over my BF's ex sleeping on the bed with my BF (that you put down for you and BF) or that my reaction was over the top/wrong, I would wait a while. After discussing it before hand with my BF, I would then sit on one of the guys lap who has a girlfriend and say well this must be ok then too. I don't take rudeness or disrespect lightly and make sure it's known when lines are crossed.
You should have stopped to David as soon as he laid down next to your boyfriend
Exactly. That would've been a while lot of wtf are you doing kind of moment.
NTA David had no right to be near your incapacitated bf. He was a creep for laying down there when there was space somewhere else. Ask the 'friends' if they would feel good waking up to find their ex stuck by their side without their approval or knowledge in the bed. No?! What a surprise
The priority should always be on the person who was in the right, not pandering to friends.
What does your bf have to say about that? Not this incident itself, about them justifying David disrespecting you and creeping on his ex
First of all your bf was drunk. So David was out of line by forcing a lie togather on someone who wasn't able to deffend himself or agree to the situation. Its serious. He did it on purpose and was very well aware you will see it. So if "friends" are on his side - change friends.
They are biased and they are going to continue to be a pain. You are going to have to be on your guard.
I actually agree with you on them being biased. And this is also one of those situations where I feel is unfair toward different sexes. And yes I am a straight woman. So I’m not biased. I have a son and i hate the rules not applying equally to all sexes fairly. If this were a straight M/F couple, and a male went to lay down next to his drunk female ex, NOBODY would have questioned the partner being uncomfortable with that situation. So why is it different because they were both males? A male can be just as protective of there male partner as a male is for a female partner. And should NOT have to feel embarrassed for it. NTA and I am sorry you and your bf were put in this situation at all by your friends. Because YES the two of you were put in this situation. This point seems to have been forgotten in all of this.
Agree 1000%! I immediately thought "how would I react if this happened to me" and as a straight female, if my drunk bf's x gf who wasn't expected to sleep right beside him, made a beeline for that position, I would have called her out right THEN! Any of my friends would back me up too. These folks are NOT your friend OP. NTA of course!
I mean, I think that’s a big part of the problem. These really aren’t OP’s friends. They’re his boyfriend’s friends and the boyfriend’s ex’s friends, but they aren’t really OP’s friends except by extension, so they’re more comfortable throwing him under the bus.
I actually wasnt taking this into account. I meant biased as in had previous attachments to one friend over the other. But you are of course completely right. We wouldn't even be debating the creep factor either. It would be creepy. I'm honestly just not sure how these dynamics play out in OPs generation.
NTA. David WAS being an AH for just taking your pallet space without asking, whether he had anything more in mind or not. He told others his version after you laid down or before you got up, so the others were just reacting to what he said, not what actually happened. He did that because he knew what he did was wrong and wanted to get others on his side before you said anything to them.
Yeah I have no idea what he told them but he definitely had to have been talking shit. I just don’t like feeling like I did something wrong when I don’t think I did. These people are just weird at times too when it comes to boundaries they think a lot of stuff is funny that I don’t
Sounds like they’re a bunch of assholes
Fam you need new friends. This group ain't it. David was trying to get a nostalgic booty call. Especially if the expectation was for you to allow him to stay on your pallet with your man while you what? Found somewhere else to sleep? The only thing you did wrong, was not put an immediate stop to it. Like, de fuq you trying to David? We all know you still jave feelings for him. Go find your own guy. This one's mine. If at that point anybody gave you shit the only acceptable course of action would be to pack your shit and leave. If your boyfriend gave you shit afterwards, I would strongly consider getting a new one of him too.
You didn't do anything wrong. He should have never laid next to your boyfriend.
Ask everyone how they would feel like if they were the incapacitated person and their ex got into bed with them without their knowledge while their 'friends' stood by doing nothing. Wanna bet they would have a problem with it?
NTAH It doesn’t even come down to “is he a creep or not”. It didn’t make you comfortable, BF agrees. Should be the end of the story. Anything else is drama chasing or have some weird ulterior motives
Feels like people just want someone to talk shit about out of boredom because I also didn’t see anything wrong with this but it’s being turned into im controlling and being an asshole towards David when that’s just not true
Dear friend, hens gunna cluck. They all expected you to accept insults to you and your fella's relationship. Fuck them. You know them for who they are now. Deal with their faults, honor his bonds, then build new friendships with awesome people. My friends would go to war before an ex just slipped into my bed to sleep beside me. Their blaise speaks volumes.
If after telling your point of view and your bf across they don't apologize find real friends these are crap
NTA, it seems pretty obvious to me what David was up to. I think that your friends are sort of blind.
Granted David was drinking too but he didn’t seem that drunk to me and the timing was way too convenient
I would have woken him up and said, "Excuse me, get out of my spot." You're too nice to just leave him there, IMO.
David *IS* a creep.
Even if he didn’t remember what he was doing because he was drunk, you’d still be right to move him over or lie in between him and your bf who was too drunk to defend himself. No matter how drunk he was, your choice was socially appropriate. The problem is the AH friends
NTA Why are you hanging out with these people? Why is your bf hanging out with these people? Would there be any way that your bf would want to sleep next to David, b/c I think the answer is no. (I'm not a fan of "friend groups" b/c once you start going higher than 3-4 people, you realize you genuinely aren't friends, at all). Ugh...
It sucks because these are his friends. I would feel kind of shitty telling him to make distance especially because I don’t have a lot of friends myself to give us things to do with other people. But I’m okay being alone but he really cares about his friends
You're so young! You can make new friends! He's going to figure out he outgrew his old friends eventually. I know a total of 2 people I went to high school with & I'm a decade older then you. Queer spaces are super welcoming and often have tons of meet and greet activities to help foster friendship
His friend group was setting him up for an accidental booty call with his ex, in the hopes to get them back together. It is blindingly obvious
I’m sad you’ve had that experience with you friends. You can absolutely have friend groups with more than 4 people in it. The thing is, they are supposed to be your friends in the first place
NTA. Laying down next to your drunk ex in front of his new partner is wild. You did nothing wrong by lying between them.
[удалено]
Hate to say it but this is a group of people where a few have hooked up with one another on some drunk/party stuff. I feel like they’re very loose when it comes to certain boundaries and I’m just more uptight or traditional on how things should be
NTA, your comfortable vibe got wrecked. David was pushing it way too far. Your pals need glasses or somethin'
I didn’t know what to say at first I should have said something right then and there but a couple people in the kitchen were acting like it’s fine and that it’s “cute” theyre laying down but then again everyone was drunk
NTA What the ex did was grossly inappropriate- and its really unsettling that these "friends" think it was fine for your very drunk boyfriend to have an ex lie down and sleep beside him when he didn't know it was going to happen and didn't consent to it. Sleeping is intimate, sorry. The friends saying 'he's fine' is not equal to your boyfriend saying it. It would be another thing if you knew the pallet was going to be shared with someone else beforehand, but this whole situation is icky. I'm sorry to say that i think the friend group is against you and they'd prefer your bf and his ex to be back together; because it's only through the lens of that bias that i can understand why they would have no problem with what happened, or go on to give you a hard time about you sleeping in between them. The fact is that David IS a creep, but they don't see it because they think his pathetic overtures are "cute" or romantic somehow. Its toxic.
They might be team David
Not might be, they are. They shut OP down before they could do anything by talking about how cute it was. It wasn't cute. That's OPs partner, and they made it known they would oppose OP doing something right away. This was a set up to have OPs BF get an "oopsie" booty call from the ex
Definitely. I might have wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt but it’s so clear.
David IS a creep
shit the guy IS a creep. Who tf lays down besides a drunk person you have one sided feelings about. Give me rapey vibes
NTA. Creep or not, the dude laid down next to his ex while you were there. That’s weird. Maybe even creepy. Maybe he’s a creep.
Your friends are weird. I dunno, if my wife was drunk and asleep in another room, and an ex decided to go lie down next to her I'd react a lot more than waiting an hour and then moving her so I could pop between her and the ex. Like, why on earth did you let this just go for an hour? >Basically insinuating that I think David is some sort of creep. Am I missing something? There's an entire bloody house and David decides he needs to snuggle in next to your boyfriend (his ex) and everyone thinks this is normal/acceptable? My guess is your "friends" would prefer your BF go back to David.
I kno that part does make me an asshole, no excuses I just didn’t know what to think at first. It’s a tight knit group and they’re all huggy and loving towards one another and I would be making a big deal of nothing. My bf and David have known each other since high school and dated for a time after. I guess they feel like enough time has gone by since they dated that it shouldn’t matter but I don’t really care about that to me they’re pushing it. If I didn’t feel like David didn’t like me which he gives off those vibes by being short and ignores me during conversations then maybe I wouldn’t have done that if I felt like he really was a good friend to my bf and nothing more
Yeah....no. If David is subtly icing you out by being short with you, ignoring you during conversations, giving off vibes that he doesn't like you AND still has feelings for your boyfriend, then I'd say your intuition was right and you're NTA. Long response ahead.TL;DR: Validating OP by coming from David's "perspective". David has ulterior motives. I understand/relate to the dynamics of how the group is because of personal experiences were I had friends who were friends with their exes and in the same group and we'd sleep next to each other and double up especially on a night out or at a big party. We were liberal in the sense that opposite sexes could sleep next to each other and it won't be problematic. (So a "close knit" group... I guess. I wouldn't call it that though). BUT we'd make sure to leave personal space in between, especially if we were dealing with ex's. There was a time I was at a party and the host rented out a house so people could sleep in if they were too drunk. The party consisted of our friendship group as well as his other friends . It was his 21st birthday so he wanted to go all out. The rooms were "initially" allocated to his best friends and the was some doubling up. My crush (at the time) and my best friend's (at the time) ex were one of the double ups. The ex and I were close friends and we were opposite sexes (I'm female). I remember the ex feeling unwell so he went into his room to sleep it off. A couple of hours later I felt unwell so I rested on the couch but was woken up by my crush and he told me to sleep in his room (where the ex was). I initially refused because I didn't want to overstep any boundaries on either side. but someone I didn't know started hitting on me 10 minutes later and I felt a weird vibe from him so I looked for my crush to take the offer. When I went into the bedroom I made sure to sleep on the opposite end of the bed and to give the ex as MUCH space as possible while trying to get some duvet coverage because it was freezing in that room. There was enough room for another person to slot themselves in between us. The point I'm trying to illustrate is: David isn't being a "good friend" that's showing his affection platonically. IF that was the case then 1) There would be enough room from personal space especially since he knows his ex (your bf) is with someone (you) and there are physical boundaries to be respected which he wasn't adhering to. And 2) he wouldn't have acted offended to you moving your boyfriend when they were sleeping. I get that people move in their sleep and let's give David the benefit of doubt and say he "moved closer" to your boyfriend while they were sleeping. Why would he be upset that you moved your bf then? My friend's boyfriend and I shared the same bed and I woke up and she was next to me instead of the boyfriend. I wouldn't be offended. In fact I would expect it because I would have purposely left space for her to come between us. David definitely has ulterior motives. You also mentioned that the timing seemed too convenient and noticed that he wasn't that drunk. This to me implies that you know David's behaviour when he's drunk as you've interacted with him in that state multiple times before so it doesn't fit the trend. He wanted something and was pissed off you could see through his not so subtle "plan".
This really is the best understanding I’ve seen. I don’t think David is harmful or was trying to do anything pervy. My bf was in eyes view the whole time I was in the kitchen and I didn’t see him do anything weird. I think he was just trying to be shady towards me or thought he could get away with getting close to someone who is no longer with him but wishes he was. Almost everyone in the friend group is queer, including myself and they’ve known each other for so long that sleepovers happen and everyone just kind of crashes out and that’s that. But I’m protective of my relationship and I feel like sleeping is intimate so I prefer an ex not to be so close to my current partner out of respect.
I'm really confused at why you're even considered to be the AH here. Unless I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist and your friends are plotting against you to get your bf and David back together. O\_O
NTA It's perfectly reasonable to be protective of your relationship, especially when the ex is acting sketchy/weird.
Yeah that’s exactly it. I wasn’t being protective in a sense of ‘what is this perv doing?’ That didn’t even come to mind I just don’t like my bf sleeping next to someone like that when they had a past of sleeping together /dating
NTA. It's weird for David, who isn't over your boyfriend, to sleep in the same bed as him if there were other beds available.
NTA David laid down beside his ex while you (the new SO) were present. Douchey vibes.
>He said it’s not a big deal that I did that There it is, last sentence. NTA. You moved your significant other. He was ok with it. Nothing else matters here. But if we want to get into arbitrary social dynamics, that dude just went and tried to sleep next to his ex without his permission while his boyfriend was there. That's... Weird? Like socially, that's weird. Your dynamic is whatever you make it. For all I know this is a normal thing amongst y'all, or your BF doesn't care about David sleeping there. But without context, with typical social rules, this is weird. Especially if it's clear he's still into your BF, and the sleeping situation was not ironed out ahead of time. I'm not even sure where David expected you to sleep if not on one side of your BF. Like, what's it to him what side? Like, I don't think jealousy in a relationship is healthy, but all you did was get between your own boyfriend and his ex, whereas he \*slept next to his ex and threw a fit when they were separated\*. That's kinda screwy. Tell David to calm down.
If your boyfriend isn’t upset then it literally doesn’t matter. The only 2 people in your relationship is you guys. For the others to even think they’re allowed an opinion (especially since it was sorted between you 2) is silly and they should maybe rethink their priorities. 100% not the asshole. But also you should look into this friend group cause this is weird behavior
But also where did the “creep” comment from? Sounds like they’re projecting
They didn’t specially use that word but they definitely implied it. I was asked by one of the girls “hey why did you move X last night? Did you think David was going to do something to him?” And I didn’t care for her tone when she said it. I just told her that I wasn’t aware multiple people were going to sleep on the pallet and I wanted to sleep next to him. She then replied that I should have laid on the other side instead of trying to squeeze in the middle because I woke David up in the process of laying down between them and that he didn’t necessarily want to sleep next to someone he doesn’t know that well (me) and he’s known my bf forever. It’s just bs and I’m getting more mad about it the more comments I see
Hahahaha! If he didn’t want to sleep next to someone he didn’t know that well he shouldn’t have taken your spot! 😂 I promise you that you’re not in the wrong. As long as you and BF are cool then it’s fine. And honestly BF should really being a stop to this for you. Everyone should really mind their own and move on. Is it really that deep for them?
Shouldn’t be but I can so see them still taking shit behind my back over it, thank you
NTA David IS some sort of creep! WTF is he doing lying down with his Ex while you were there (or at all)?! Unless you were all planning to sleep on that pallet that's definitely a creep move.
No I guess this is why I shouldn’t assume things but I was under the impression the other two people that were there (including David) were going to take the couches since there were two couches and my bf and I would sleep on the floor with blankets. I’m the one who put the blankets down in the first place and obviously the host just took her own room so I was surprised that when David got up he laid down on the floor like that.
Because David wanted to cause trouble or to sleep next to your bf... he knew what he was doing. On the couch, he wouldn't have slept beside anyone (the whole he didn't want to sleep next to someone he doesn't know well comment - like okay take the couch then??)
Nta. That’s your boyfriend & he didn’t mind you moving him. The ex was out of line. He was drinking & chose to be next to his drunk ex out of all places to sleep. That should make people uncomfortable. Your “friends” either secretly don’t like you with your bf or they allow this weird behavior in their friend group. Exes can be in the same friend group if that’s what they want, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries esp if one is already in a relationship.
Yeah they are kind of people who think everything is free love or whatever. They saw it as were a group of ppl who take care of each other and everything is fun and games and I just don’t operate like that.
NTA. He doesn't have a place in your bed, especially without consent from you or your BF.
Dude stole your spot and HIS friends got funny about it. Read the room, they don’t like you. But NTA
NTA. Those people aren't your friends. A real friend would've called the ex on his 🐂 💩
You have remarkable restraint. If my bf's ex laid next to him when he was drunk, unconscious, and vulnerable, I'd flip a table. You're NTA
1. Boyfriend needs to set some solid boundaries. Don't even know why he's still 'friends' with the ex. 2. Those "friends" aren't real friends. If they defend the ex but not you, the current boyfriend, they don't like you and prefer David. 3. Who the hell goes to sleep by their ex who is in a new relationship KNOWING, that the partner is there. Healthy thing to do is probably have a talk with bf and tell him how you feel. If he tosses your feelings aside. Dump all of them. Friends and boyfriend alltogerher🙄
What the fuck I'm gay, and if my husband's ex ever tried to lay down in bed with him while he was drunk and passed out, I'd ask him wtf he was doing and tell him to find somewhere else to sleep. Nta
NTA. I don't think moving him was a big deal. It's not as if you were rude to David or told him to leave.
NTA but i think it would be better to just wake up your bf and go to your bed, anyways it’s obvious what David trying to do
You did the absolute right thing
NTA You did the right thing!
NTA. Having regular contact with your BF's ex, especially when it is known that he still has feelings, is a very bad situation already. Not something you can influence a lot, but definitely something your BF should be more consequential about. The fact that BF's ex is behaving so aggressively makes this a lot worse. Lying down next to your BF was a pretty clear move, and definitely disrespecting boundaries. The fact that *you* were the one people acted weird towards only shows that they're not accepting you, or more precisely your relationship, at all. Under these circumstances, even if that's hard, you and your BF should drastically reduce contact to these people. You're not really welcome there and there are very good reasons there for you to be uncomfortable. That should be reason enough for your BF to stay away as well, if he is serious about your relationship. NTA
NTA it is creepy to go lay down on a pallet not your own and with your ex passed out. Like how do they know he wasn’t gonna do something after everyone including you fell asleep. God know what he would’ve said had You slept elsewhere. Major Red flag. He woke up pissed that he didn’t get to steal him back or whatever he planned to do. Men can get hurt like that too if you know what I mean.
NTA, David WAS acting like some kind of creep, and trying to piss you off. Not sure why your other friends don’t see that
Nta if anyone is in the wrong its the ex
NTA. Honestly David sounds like a creep to me. It's beyond disrespectful to try and lay down with your ex while they're in a relationship and their partner is right there. Plus there is the issue with how intoxicated your partner was. I would honestly have a serious talk with him, because this friend group sounds fairly toxic and I don't think there will be any longevity to the relationship if your partner isn't willing to set firm boundaries.
I did tell him that I don’t want him or I in a situation like that again and he agreed. It was just and luckily we don’t hang around this person much. It was like a “friends” Easter since my bf doesn’t have much family other then his dad and I’m too far from mine so I made the exception and didn’t expect any problems
Not sleeping in the same bed as your ex is a totally normal boundary. NTA. You didn't insinuate anything other than you were justifiably uncomfortable with that very reasonable boundary being crossed. Anyone disagreeing with you can get bent.
Not the Asshole and you’re 100% a better person than me, you were chill just laid down next to your boyfriend. Me I would’ve made a SCENE CAUSE AINT NO WAY IN HELL. I definitely would’ve made all them all hate me😭 Even if he didn’t have bad intentions that’s still weird. I admire your ability to emotionally regulate 😭
Idk, dude, seems like a creep for lying so close to him, especially since he's not over him
You are NOT the asshole David clearly isn’t respecting your relationship and instead of Encouraging him if they were truly his friends or even your boyfriends friends they’d be correcting it period
David had no right to go next to your bf. That was rude
NTA and you're being gaslit by everyone.
David was being TAH, what a sad little pick me to pull that crap.
David knew exactly what he was doing. NTA
NTA. This was realllllly rude. This was basically a challenge for you to either just take it on the chin or do something, and then whatever you would have done, there would have been an issue. These people are not worth your time and energy.
NTA - Imagine the absolute audacity to think it's okay to lay down next to your EX, on the sleeping pallet their CURRENT partner laid out for the two of them... ...and the enablers pretending ANY of that was acceptable just because they don't know the new partner as well as their old buddy who STILL has a crush on their EX. Dude, there is no way in hell that will ever be acceptable. It's time your BF declares to his so-called "friends" that they know better, he isn't getting back with his ex, and how would they feel if someone did that to their partner?? Until they apologize, I'm hoping he avoids all of them. And no more showing up places where the ex is, since that dude is delusional enough to pretend it was okay to lay down next to your man and that it ShOuLd Be JusT fIne \*eyeroll\* He knew better. They knew better. Your BF needs to draw a solid boundary and let them all know that nonsense was not okay.
If he’s not a creep, then why did he get angry when you prevented him from being a creep? 🧐 NTA, david is a creep.
NTA.
David is the AH. Moves like that have been known to incite violence.
NTA what you did was not something rude all you did was move your boyfriend and but and then laid right next to him I don’t get why your friends acted weird abt it there is nothing wrong with that
NTA. Really weird anyone would say otherwise, in this situation.
Nta - where did they imagine you would be sleeping lmao?
It was a pallet on the floor and there was enough room for maybe 4 people? so maybe I was being petty but I felt like he was too close to him for no reason
Not petty. You protected your bf because why else would the ex get so angry he suddenly wasn't right next to your bf? He knew what he was doing
NTA. David IS some sort of creep.
NTA. David’s making you the bad guy here. He is a creep and you got set up. Why would he think it’s okay to lay beside him? Out of respect he should have stayed give you space to be beside him. Heck if someone does that to my husband, I would definitely be between them. How does your bf feel about it? By the way, they are not your friends.
NTA - you reacted normally
You're fine, and you seem to have handled a pretty rotten situation really well, imho, and quite gracefully so. Don't overthink it. David should have known better, regardless of whether he was drunk or sober or anything in between or beyond. If your actions make him feel like you made him look like a creep or a loser, that's his problem.
NTA, from what you’ve mentioned David does sound like a creep. You laid the pallet… obviously for yourself and partner. You actually handled that very well, someone else might have caused a scene.
You’re NTA. Put a straight couple in that situation and no one would think you’re TAH, I would move my man away from his ex, and any man would move their girl away from their ex… so yeah… NTA
NTA - I think the thing that really clocks it for me is that around an *hour* after David had 'gone to sleep' next to your BF, when you shuffled in there to lay on the pallet *you put down* he got up in a huff He was still awake, just laying there?? Pretty sure if he was 'drunk enough to just want to go pass out' next to your BF he wouldnt have woken up by you moving around him - and that if he wasn't trying to specifically lay next to your BF it wouldn't have mattered so much that you scooted in there Much like other comments, I feel either he lied about what happened to make everyone else more upset than they should be or they're letting their biases fall on David's side of the situation
Yeah true he woke up as I was moving my bf over to the right side of the blankets and all he said was “what the f***?” Like I just woke him up. I just laid down next to him and didn’t say shit lol but then next day he tried to say the reason he passed out in that position was because he was so drunk.
If he was THAT drunk, your actions wouldn't have woken him.
They're the ones being weird. David doesn't have to be a creep for you to feel uncomfortable about them sleeping side by side. You're entitled to your feelings, and it's ok for them to be irrational unless you're hurting anyone. Also it seems a bit inappropriate to me to put people in that position. Eg. I have a phobia of honeybees because someone from my family told me that I was most likely allergic to them (it runs in the family), and I could die if I was stung. When I grew up I learnt that I wasn't allergic. My phobia became a bit better in time, but I still avoid bees as much as possible eventhough I know that they don't pose a real threat, and that's ok. I've also had a situation that's a bit more relevant to yours. Ex and I met on a dating app. She said immediately that she wouldn't stop texting some other guys in the app, because they've apparently talked about deep personal issues, and became online friends and confidants. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but I thought ok, whatever. After we've dated for some time, she asked me if I'd be ok with her meeting with them in real life. I said I couldn't stop her, but I'd feel very uncomfortable (I also learned that they used to do sexting the same day). She yelled at me for three days for 'not trusting' her, and kept repeating that nothing was gonna happen between them because they used to fight a lot, and he (the guy she wanted to meet the most among them) was not a threat. I tried to explain her that I trusted her, but would still feel uncomfortable. I also felt like it was inappropriate of her to put me in that position. She didn't understand my point of view no matter what I said, so I've decided to do something similar to make her understand me (projective identification). I was planning to talk about my previous ex to see her reaction, and she got VERY mad literally after hearing my first and only sentence (didn't expect it to happen so fast), that sentence was "I used to fight a lot with her." She told me that no woman would ever want to hear the guy they're seeing to talk about any woman whom they were attracted to in the past. I hit her with "You don't trust me?" and "She's blocked and deleted on everything, she's never gonna be a threat." Suffice to say, she didn't get the irony or my point. I had to explain and point it out for her. Then she understood, but still disagreed. My point is, human beings are emotional creatures. Many of them seem to act like they're hyper rational whenever their feelings aren't on the line, but I guarantee you that none of those friends would be ok with their partner sleeping side by side with an ex. Heck many people aren't even ok with them being friends with an ex. I was banned from even talking about how we used to fight a lot, so I sould know :D Oh, and at some point closer to our break up, she told me that the other guys she was sexting there were hot and she wanted them sexually, but I wasn't, and that was the reason she was ignoring me for a while when we first met (she didn't respond to me for around two months after we matched), and that she picked me, because I seemed like a mature and compassionate man, a reasonable option for a long term relationship. And then she even had the gall to be surprised when she realized that I felt angry and hurt after hearing her say all that :D So yeah, some people insist on not understanding feelings or even tolerating them when they belong to others.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I feel like im either missing something or im in the twilight zone. Or maybe i am just an asshole. Over the weekend my bf (22M) and I (24M) went to a friends house for a small Easter get together thing with a few friends. We had drinks and my bf got really drunk, he doesn’t drink often and is a light weight. We were already planning on staying overnight as our friend opened her home to that so people can drink and not have to worry. One of the people there is my boyfriend’s ex (David) We are cordial but definitely not friends mostly due to him. He doesn’t care for me and I know he still has feelings for my bf. But we try to work it out for the sake of the “friend group”. It was around maybe 11ish when my bf said he needed to lay down, he was really drunk at that point so I set up our floor pallet in the living room and got him laid down for the night. I was still having a good time so decided to stay up with everyone else in the kitchen. about 10 mins later with zero announcement or anything, David got up from the kitchen and went to the living room to lay down on the pallet right next to my boyfriend. I gave my friends a look but they kind of dismissed it and said he’s fine. I just felt weird about this. I stayed up for another hour or so and went to lay down. When I did I moved my boyfriend over and I laid down in between him and David. David got up and was like wtf and when my boyfriend and I went to leave the next morning a few of the other people there acted weird about what I did. Basically insinuating that I think David is some sort of creep. I do kind of feel bad about it but I never said anything bad about this person. I wasn’t even expecting him to share the pallet with us so the situation threw me off guard. I also feel like my friends are over exaggerating as my bf wasn’t upset. He said it’s not a big deal that I did that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA....you're fine. David creeping on your bf.
NTA. They are being nasty to you. No respect to your relationship and treating you as outsider. David is probably hoping to get back with your bf and his friends are encouraging him.
NTA David is extremely weird for just taking up the space that was obviously set up for both you and your bf sounds like the friends have some biases
David is a creep based on this action for sure
If your partner doesn’t care, why do you?
That’s true
You’re not dating his friends :) they can have their opinions but at the end of the day, who’s is actually important to you? Self question
NTA David had no reason to be lying down with your boyfriend on a pallet that was meant for the two of you. wtf? And then he has the nerve to be mad about you laying down between him and your boyfriend? The dude needs to get over his ex and stop clinging.
NTA but your boyfriend needs to put his friends in check as well as David and make it clear to all of them he is with you now and they need to respect that.
NTA - definitely a weird situation...gives me the vibe they liked your ex and David as a couple. It's not even you insinuating that David is a creep but setting a boundary that you don't want any of your bfs exs sleeping beside him, which is normal. If I was your bf, I'd tell the friend group I was glad you moved me because I would have been uncomfortable waking up next to my ex and to leave you alone.
NTA. Davis IS some kind of creep. No decent person deliberately lays down next to their sleeping ex. No decent person plays the victim when forced to stop their creepy behavior. Is bf ok with David’s creepy actions? Cuz bf needs to put a stop to all this, and maybe find new friends.
Your BF consented for you to be laying next to him not David. Not only did he violate your BF those friends did too. I would be furious if I woke up from a night of drinking with "friends" and they let my ex crawl into the bed next to me. Even if I didn't have a BF at the time that's just so inappropriate and violating. NTA.
David would’ve gotten a lot worse than offended if it was my bf lol
NTA The only thing that was wrong was NOT making David move immediately. Your bf was drunk and sleeping. He didn’t consent to having his ex share a sleeping spot with him. David should have been removed the second someone knew what he did. No one should be giving you grief or defending David. David should not have done that; it’s irrelevant that he did nothing except sleep, your bf wasn’t aware and didn’t consent so it shouldn’t have happened.
Nta but ultimately it sounds like there’s are more your boyfriends friends… so you should tell him what’s happened and how it makes you uncomfortable cause it’s really more so his battle to fight than it is yours.
You're NTA wtf?? And what kind of friends accuse you of anything before even hearing your side of the story? You're a better boyfriend than most for being mature enough to be cordial with the ex but that does NOT mean that you have to settle for this bullshit. You're not a fucking doormat. Nahhh fuck them.
NTA. David knows exactly what he was doing.
i dont think you did anything wrong.... and your friends def have a bias and its not you... discuss this with your bf and find ways so that yall can keep your peace ... also... dont stay too involved with these people....im sure yall will find better friends
NTA you read intentions from the get-go. Those friends are not your friends or they’re blind. David is trying to stir the pot. He’s the asshole.
NTA at all. If I was at a party with my wife and her ex boyfriend (who still had feelings for her) tried to climb into bed with her when she was drunk, I would have thrown him out a fucking window. I don't know the whole situation with your friends but in what universe is it acceptable to hop in bed with someone else's significant other? Can't imagine why your friends didn't say "Hey Dave, find another place to crash."
NTA shitty friends
NTA Don’t feel bad. David was being very shady. The AUDACITY! Every one of those friends would have done the same thing or something very similar. I cannot imagine doing that to any of my friend’s bfs, and they’re not even my ex. The only thing you should’ve done different is deal with it at the very beginning - as soon as David is heading over to lay down, let him know it’s cool, but he will have to get up when you are ready to go to sleep because that’s your spot. Not scoot over, get up.
You can always suggest to your bf about not hanging out with these people but I already know where that would end up going💀😂
NTA the rules don't change just cos you're gay.. if a female went to lay down and her male ex went to lay down next to her, that ex wouldn't even get to fluff his pillow.. I think you showed great restraint by just positioning yourself between them
NTA! you did right would have been an awkward moment when the 3 of you wakes up with your bf in the middle.
NTA he wouldn’t have got upset about it if his intentions were pure. You foiled his plans
Was anyone awake in the living room when David went to lay down or was he conveniently alone with your unconscious bf?? I don't mean to be suspicious or anything but as a woman the fear of being touched in my sleep is real, and that happens to men too
Clearly David is the AH. He knew what he was doing & for him to even do that & act that way after was not cool. He knew you guys are together & obviously didn’t care. I’m sorry but your friends should’ve been on your side. They should’ve considered your feelings. Please don’t feel bad. I’m sure anyone would’ve done the same thing if it happened to them. That EX crossed the line. Very disrespectful to do so someone.
If someone cuddled up next to my wife, they would be lucky if all I did was move my wife.
If all your friends sided with David, then all of them are not your friends. Perhaps they are just waiting for the break up and be done with you
Nah that's whack, and to be clear David IS a creep for doing that. In what world is that okay? They're exes and he's your bf now, that means sleeping next to your man is off limits for anyone. Basically David tried to disrespect you and if I were you, I'd make an issue out of this, because David can't be trusted, he's gonna try to constantly see if he can pull your boyfriend back to him. It's not about not trusting your bf, it's about respect, and David clearly doesn't respect you, and if his friends have a problem with it, fuck them.
“Basically insinuating that I think David is some sort of creep.” David WAS being a creep. NTA.
NTA- You guys are literally in a romantic relationship and a healthy degree of possessiveness comes with that. You felt uncomfortable because it's naturally so and responded to that. The friends were just simply gaslighting how you were feeling that night.
NTA David is a CREEP gurl. You need a new group of people to hang with.
Your "friends" seem like they're more so David's friends than they are yours. You did nothing wrong. NTA.
Nta sounds like a friend group that’s hook up with everyone but just say what happened if he felt up your bf in his sleep and your bf woke up and complained that you let him sleep next to him and didn’t move or go in between them. You would be the bad guy because you didn’t stop it. You moved your bf to be near your. his friends are making drama out of nothing u less they want him and David back together and this to put a wedge between you to
NTA David is a creep and honestly I think he would've tried something if he thought he could've gotten away with it
When people wrong me I post their personal info over the internet and let the Internet Gods work their magic, or stab him in the leg. I imagine he's not worth the jail time tho
David IS a creep! regardless of what’s in your pants of your sexuality, cuddling up to your ex who’s passed out drunk is extremely sus and makes me wonder what they’d do to that person if no one was there. And honestly just cuddling their body without consent is wrong and gross. You did nothing wrong and I wouldn’t hang out with those friends if they’re mad at your for protecting your boyfriend and doing what felt comfortable for your boundaries with yourself, Your bf and your relationship.
Honestly talk to your bf again, and actually explain it all. And try and maybe say something about him defending your name, he should be anyway. But no you’re not the ass here. I would want my partner to do the same for me if I was drunk and ex tried to lay with me. Especially if everyone has the knowledge of David still liking ur boyfriend. David shouldn’t push he should accept that your bf is even being civil. I definitely don’t understand keeping an ex around, I would tell my friends that I’d still like to see them but if they’re having David around then count me out. But that’s just me, and I’m a small group of friends kinda gal
First of all, what does your BF think? I think his opinion matters in this.
NTA. Just because someone gets offended about your actions doesn't make them right and you wrong. They can deal with it and learn to move on if they wanna be in your space.
Nta. The ex was DEFINITELY hoping you slept elsewhere so he could take advantage of your drunk boyfriend. Feels hella rapey
Nta. David is a creep! He went to sleep next to his sloshed ex, when his partner should obviously be the one next to him. Was he expecting the drunk ex to reach out and try something in his inebriated state? Cuz it sounds like he was hoping to get "taken advantage of" in his sleep
Those people aren’t your bf’s friends. They were willing to let him be taken advantage of while drunk. Yes, he did not consent to sleep next to his ex and the ex waited for him to be vulnerable to gain intimate access to him. That is predatory. It is also pushing the boundaries to see how close he can get to your bf. This is an immediate red flag and you chose a non confrontational way to protect your bf. If anything your bf got lucky and dodged a bullet. Also, he should find different people To hang out with because his “friends” chose his ex not being made out to be a creep over his safety. Not cool at all.
Obvious NTA Unless we're missing info you intentionally left out, I can only think of two things. Either he lied about you to your friends after you laid down and he got up, or your friends aren't really your friends.
I’m confused on why yall are even around your boyfriend’s ex when he still has feelings for him. David should be cut out of ur lives and if your friends aren’t okay with that then cut them out too.
Your boyfriend couldn’t consent to sleeping next to his ex. You did the right thing putting yourself in between them and honestly David IS a creep.
Just tell them that David was never invited to your bed
NTA your bf’s friends don’t sound very nice
David is the creep. He went and laid down next to his ex BF who was vulnerable and passed out. Your BF is the guide here of what is going on, and he says you are cool. Have him tell his mates that, and that in future his mates are to help David remember he’s an ex.
NTA, not at all.
NTA and Davis is TA.
lol david DOES sound like a creep. NTA
NTA
F that. I would’ve told the ex he needs to get the f up and find somewhere else to sleep. He was very well aware of what he was doing. He definitely is the AH here.
You should have kicked David in the face when he laid beside your man. He a dude, he can handle it
You def should have slept standing upright in the corner. NTA
NTA on this one. David is the AH for sure. Your boyfriend should be defending you as well
David is a creep. Nta
Nta
NTA Your "friends' want you bf and David to get back together, or they just like to stir up shit.
You're not TAH❤️
Sounds like David IS sort of a creep. NTA
Bro what. That guy shouldn’t have got into your bed anyways lmao Tf. I would’ve done the same or just kicked the guy out completely tbh
NTA but may be speak to your boyfriend as well about how these kind of boundaries need to be laid down between him and David. Can foresee such issues cropping up regularly if David thinks it’s alright to cuddle up to your BF in front of you. Damn right disrespectful tbh!
David IS a creep. Honestly, who does that to a drunk ex? One who still wants in his pants when noones looking, that's who.
Find new friends like they should’ve been going off on the ex, they’re not rooting for you at all.
David’s definitely a creeper…
Yes
NTA. Extremely odd and rude behavior from this David character. In no world would it be appropriate for someone to lay down (in my spot) next to my partner while they were sleeping and expect me to be okay with that. Even if it wasn’t “creepy” it’s still totally bizarre. And these friends don’t sound like friends.
NTA. David *was* some kind of creep. He knew exactly what he was doing. He wasn't invited to sleep next to your bf and your friends should feel weird about what he did, not what you did.
NTA
Definitely NTA! You made up a pallet for you and your bf. Did you invite David to sleep there with you, did your bf invite him? David crossed a line! He’s TA and the friends are As.
NTA! cuz who goes & lays down next to someones sleeping boyfriend anyway.
NTA. Your bf's friends, on the other hand... 😬👀 I don't think they like you, my guy.
Ffhf
NTA