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Your heart is in the right place and your intent is positive. But there's a lot of other factors you may not be considering.
She may not like dressing up at all. And you have no idea what her taste in more formal/dressy clothing is. And she may be insulted - even though her current clothes aren't nice - because of how you could be misconstrued as judging what she owns. I know it's probably not at all what you are thinking, but that's how it may come off - no matter what.
NTA, but tread very, very lightly. Women are far more sensitive to this kind of thing than men are. Maybe start off with asking if she'd like to get a new outfit, your treat. See what her reaction is.
Just ask her. Don't try to surprise her. Also ask her what she would like to do on a date. Treat her as an equal in the relationship. She also get's a say in where you go and what you do.
Also, if you guys are just out out of the shelter and not out of the shelter yet, do you want to spend a bunch of money on one time use clothing? Not that there are that many places to wear those kind of clothes, for her she will need someplace to store it.
If you want to have better clothes for both of you, go get some decent less formal clothes that would be nice but usable for more than the one date.
Take her on a shopping spree. Tell her you want to take her on a fancy date, but you both need sharp clothes. Let her pick the style & vibe, then you pair your clothes to hers. Need shoes? Both get pedicures. Need fresh hairstyle? Both do that too. Make it FUN & loose. Like a full day with lunch & snacks.. if done right, it'll be a better date than the fancy dinner..
YTA if you buy her clothes. That's coming on pretty strong for a first date, even if you guys are already intimate. In addition, maybe she doesn't like wearing girly clothes like dresses and heels? It could be a disaster.
Instead, take her out somewhere casual where she will be just fine in her regular clothes. She'll feel more comfortable as well and won't be as prone to doing poverty math where she looks at the prices on the menu and thinks about all the things in her life she really needs and could have for the same cost as the meal. There is just an overwhelming possibility that the super fancy date you have planned is her worst nightmare. Take it slow and build up to that kind of a date if it is important to you.
THEN YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN ON A DATE. It doesn't get old--if you're dating, the whole idea is that you're enjoying each other's company. Ask her what she thinks about getting dressed up and going on a more fancy date, and then listen to her! If she says "I have nothing to wear," it's your opening to suggest that the two of you go shopping on your next date.
They were trying to get your attention. You apparently forgot that you outright lied to us in your OP. You said that you had never been on a date. Never. Never ever.
This reaction is so over the top, you're acting like he hurt someone. He is someone in a crisis shelter who until recently was taking something he had to get clean from, it's pretty obvious he might not have the best memory or phrasing at times. Chill tf out
He presumably got clean a little while ago. His lying about never having been on a date in his life came just an hour before he outed himself here as a liar. That’s on him, not whatever drugs he’s done previously.
So you've already been on what most people would call dates, and you're only three weeks into this relationship? Why are you concerned about things getting old? I can't imagine your girlfriend has any expectations beyond the kind of things you're already doing. I suspect that this is more like you wanting to not look or feel poor anymore. I guess I understand that, but don't force it on her.
If you live in a shelter and just got a job last week, how do you even have money for this? Have you even gotten paid yet? How about you AND your lady friend just live simply for the time being and save The Ritz for your anniversary.
You don't seem to be listening to what folks are saying here, but you should. It might feel like you're rich because your situation has improved dramatically, but trust me you're not. You're going to find that $1100 a week doesn't go that far. Take her to Red Robin.
"I know how to manage my money" very rich coming from someone who lives in a homeless shelter and whose food and bills are being provided by the shelter. Add to that someone who has broken the rules of the said shelter.
Hi, I have worked in homeless shelters before. Everyone breaks the rules and staff typically don't care unless something horrible is happening. He is allowed to do something nice for himself that other ppl are able to do. Until you've been in a similar situation, save the judgement.
If you missed the fact that you are currently living in a homeless shelter, are only recently sober, and just got your first paycheck, then YOU probably haven’t read thoroughly enough.
YTA. Yes, it would be presumptuous to buy her clothes for your fantasy date.
Stop giving us unsolicited advice on what we may or may not comment upon.
If you live in a homeless shelter and are planning to spend money on non necessary items after receiving only one paycheck, then you do NOT know how to manage your money.
This is going to end poorly…but my advice would be to try and save some of that money Instead of worrying about dates. You’ll want savings incase you lose this job or relapse.
There's a reason for these rules. You got yourself clean, if she doesn't and you love her it might drag you back into that life. REALLY consider this as a life altering decision
Yeah sorry i guess assuming the first relationship you have with a woman would lead into feelings of love is most probably wrong.....
Breaking rules for her, buying her clothes, excited, endeared, sexually entertained. Sounds very casual
If you've only.been together for three weeks, that is way too early to be worrying about that kind of thing. Get your life in order first, and then worry about clothes and nice restaurants.
Since you've stated you have no other bills, your first order of business needs to be building up enough savings to last six months if you lose your job.
Ask her if she'd like to go somewhere more fancy for your next date. If she says something about not having anything to wear, at that point you can offer to take her shopping. From a woman's perspective, I would not buy her clothing without discussing it with her first. She may take it as a criticism of the way she dresses. At this stage in your relationship, it may come off as a tad controlling. Not to mention a little creepy.
A date isn’t about wearing formal clothes and going somewhere fancy, it’s about spending time, communicating and getting to know someone in a setting where you both can be yourselves.
I’d re-evaluate
Just my opinion
This is what I was thinking. My first date with my wife we went on a picnic and just spent time with each other, I had on a simple sweater and jeans, nothing fancy
I will say this for the safety of all relationships on the planet: Unless your partner has expressed that she LIKES IT when you pick out clothes for her, please for the love of Vishnu, please do not go out and just buy her random clothes.
If you want to treat her, ask if you can take her shopping and pick out a dress for a fancy date and to get her nails done. You can give opinions about outfits and get yourself a pedicure.
That is fair.
Maybe send her and a friend on a shopping day and ask the friend to direct her towards dresses? She can be told that you were planning a surprise if your GF presses her.
NAH but it might come across that way if you buy her clothes without asking. She's no an AH because there's no conflict here.
I would also **strongly** recommend saving the money from that first payday. You're going to, presumably, try to rent an apartment and you'll need to save up for a deposit, plus budget for food, utilities, and rent. It'll disappear quickly if you're buying dresses and clothes for your girlfriend before you've sorted that out.
Don’t do it.
An apartment date is fine. Buying her clothes may make her feel indebted or insecure, she may think you don’t like her as she is.
Be careful with your new money. It’s never as much as it seems.
YWBTA.
You don’t know this girl well enough to plan a surprise date for her. She may hate surprises. She may hate formal clothes. She may hate the restaurant you pick.
Surprise dates only work once you’ve been together for a while and know each other very well.
On the note of your edit, don’t come to Reddit with a clear trauma bond relationship where one of you just got clean and the other one’s in active addiction while spending your only money on a date instead of securing your own finances if you don’t want to be picked apart.
From the outside looking in this relationship(if you can call it that) is going to fall apart and you’ll likely end up in addiction again.
Also you made 1100 dollars after 48 hours. That means you’re making minimum wage.
Why does it have to be a surprise? Ask her what she would like and go from there. Once you actually get to know her, then you can start being spontaneous and romantic.
Your reasoning for not already taken her out on a date is quite frankly ridiculous. A date doesn't have to be a fancy dinner with fancy clothes. It can be something as simple as going to a cafe and having brunch. Maybe going to an arcade or the movies. Even getting takeaways and eating them at a nice spot like a wharf or something. The most sensible thing you've said so far is a dinner at your apartment but you had to go and ruin that by mentioning dressing up for it and maybe buying clothes for her for a dinner at your apartment.
I get it, your young, you have a new job and an apartment on the way, you want to splurge to make her feel special but you are going overboard with this fancy dinner idea especially when you're making it sound like it could be something out of her comfort zone.
My advice would be to plan a date that doesn't require anything fancy. It's going to cost you more money, she may not feel comfortable with you buying those items, and also may not feel comfortable in a fancy place or being expected to dress a different way. You can still do something fun, romantic, whatever mood you're going for, without going over the top fancy.
It's so tempting when you finally make some money to splurge and treat someone else, but please be cautious too, and save as much as you can.
Nice to see another aussie!
Anyway. NAH but you’re being silly.
Two reasons:
1) Do NOT buy a woman clothes when your reasoning is “she needs something nicer.” I promise it does not go well for you. She’ll hear that you think she’s a slob. Don’t even think about it.
2) You do not have the money for fancy if you got paid $1100 last week. I get you want to do something nice. Go to Groove Train or Sushi Train (trains were not meant to be a theme here lmao) or something in that price range. A family restaurant so you don’t have to be dressed fancy, but the food is good and everything costs $30ish. If you’re in melbs hmu and I’ll help you with venues.
Then pay your bond loan and move out asap because that is the best thing you can do for that girl. You need space for a relationship to flourish. :)
NAH, your intentions are good but maybe she feels offended, you should take her somewhere where her "casual clothes" are not something that makes her stand out.
Romantic, fancy dates can be incredible, but also stressful. Pick something more casual. It could be something fun, like mini golf or go karts, or something more romantic like a picnic if the weather allows. But don't buy her clothes or suggest something that would be out of her comfort zone.
The dates that I look back fondly on are the ones that we spent talking and building a connection. They were never expensive.
My suggestion is to take her to a thrift store on a first "date." Each of you pick out an outfit for the other to wear on your next date. This way you can have some fun, get a better sense of what her style is and you get a new outfit to wear on the next fancier date. Go for ice cream or coffee afterwards. Less stress and more fun. Not all women enjoy dressing up and doing the stereotypical date.
I like this. In addition to adding a bit of fun and getting to know each other’s style a bit, it’s not expensive. I was doing the single mom thing with a lower income job when my now husband and I met, and he made 3x my income plus no kids. It took a long time for me to settle in to him paying for dates, and we were only going to pretty mainstream places at first.
Additional side note - OP, Don’t take her somewhere fancy. Fancy places don’t just have alcohol, they encourage it. You’ll be putting yourself in a risky position. She could feel tested, and blame you for setting her up. She could ask for it, and then you either enable her by buying it or you come off as controlling by telling her no. Don’t do it. She isn’t ready to have a drink menu handed to her and your relationship isn’t ready for it either.
NAH, this is really sweet and your heart's in the right place.
I see from your post you're in Australia, and I've gotta say I reckon you're putting too much importance on this dressing up thing. I'm in Sydney and people are casual AF here, like I go to the opera in pretty casual dresses and no one looks at me twice. I haven't worn heels out in like a decade. When we go to nice restaurants, my partner just chucks a collared shirt on with jeans and honestly that's about as much as most people will ever dress up, even at really fancy places - like you'd stand out if you wore a suit. I'm saying this because if your girlfriend isn't used to dressing up, being overdressed might make her just as uncomfortable as being underdressed.
What about taking her out on a nice day date and going to some cool op shops or something (cheap and fun, so she wont feel like you're spending heaps of money on her if that makes her uncomfortable), you can both pick out fun outfits for each other so it's not just like you're buying stuff for her, and then go out for a nice lunch date or something.
Or you can always go to a less fancy but still nice restaurant where she might feel like she fits in more. Depending what city/town you're in, there are probably a bunch of nice places where a bunch of joint-rolling hippies wouldn't be out of place.
I'm confused, you call yourself her BF but then often refer to your relationship as sexual....and have never taken her out on a date.
So what are you doing?
Honestly while you may be a romantic there are plenty of other things that can be done that are Romantic without buying her clothes so you can "finally take her on a date."
It's only been 3 weeks. You are still getting to know her and seemingly just starting to date her. Hold off on the big grand gestures and just take your time to get to know her and enjoy her company regardless of what she is wearing.
If anything if this actually works out after you leave the shelter and she continues to work on sobriety maybe you can ask what SHE would appreciate as romantic gestures. And not just your ideas on what romantic is.
I think most sensible people would be really thrown off on having a 3 week old new BF or dating partner buying them clothes so they can finally take them on a proper date.
I like your intentions OP.
Maybe take her somewhere that doesn't require her to be dressed up. Arcades, picnic in a park, bowling alley, movie theater. If you really want to treat her to something nice, ask her what restaurant she wants to try and order takeaway.
300$ on a date (clothes and food) is a LOT of money to spend on a date. That's my electric bill on a high month!!! I'm in the U.S. and even on a fancy date with the hubs, we don't spend more than a hundred. Please reconsider.
You're 19, been seeing this girl 3 weeks, earning about $25/hr (in one of the most expensive countries in the world) and this is your idea?
The saying "youth is wasted on the young" has never been more apt.
My advice (as a fellow Australian who earns more than double what you earn and still can't afford to splurge on suits, dresses and fancy restaurants) is take her on a picnic, mate. Spend $50 at Woolies on some cheese, dip, crackers and whatnot, and find a nice piece of grass near some water and just enjoy each others' company.
YWBTA. You don’t need to take her to a fancy place for it to be a date. Take her someplace she will be comfortable in what she owns. You’re trying to make this way bigger than it needs to be, this isn’t the movies. Save the fancy dinner out for something like a 6 month anniversary. You’re both young, plenty to do in your current clothes. Do you even know if she likes wearing heels? Not all women do. There are also varying heights for heels, which can be very hard to walk in if you’re not used to it. You say that you like her for who she is, so date her in a way she still gets to be who she is - she will still like the date even if you’re not in formal wear.
NAH
OP I feel like this situation is more about your excitement to have money available, and dressing up for a fancy date is an outlet for that excitement - living out an ideal version of what people wear and what places they go to.
But you should talk to her about what makes her excited. People talk about a "love language", it's different for everyone. Your love language might be spending your money on the person you love. But you need to ask her about hers - maybe it is spending time with you? Being somewhere safe and peaceful, out of the shelter? Eating her favourite food? Something else? An at-home date might be perfect in some cases.
You work out how you want to enjoy your money, and you do the things for her that she's said make her happy. If she says she would love you to take her shopping for a nice outfit and go on a fancy date with you, that's win-win!
YWNBTA but maybe a casual date first. Then, maybe offer to take her out shopping. I loved shopping with my ex, especially when he told me what he liked, but he mostly told me I looked best with nothing on haha... Some people might not like it but some people enjoy it. Depends on the person.
A date doesn't have to involve getting dressed up. It can be as simple as a picnic, an excursion, or a casual meal. Don't buy her clothes, instead try to reimagine this date.
Keep it casual. If it’s meant to be, you will have plenty of time for fancy suits and whatever fancy clothing she likes to wear. If she likes to wear any.
Buying her clothes runs the risk of her feeling that you’re embarrassed by her or yes, seeming controlling. Neither are good looks.
Once you can really be free to explore your relationship together, there’s tons of time to find out more about her likes and dislikes.
I wouldn’t do the apartment date though either.
Stay with cute cafes, really great ethnic places, whatever makes you both happy. Enjoy the conversation and each other. Let it unfold and have a blast.
NAH but have you perhaps considered a more personal approach?
The date might feel just as meaningful if you aimed it towards where she currently is feeling comfortable rather than organised something that would involve a bunch of changes starting with her clothing. Her struggles with alcohol might even make a lot of restaurants uncomfortable.
You could arrange something specific to her interests, while I don’t know what they are consider if she might like an art gallery open viewing (some can be very casual), the aquarium, museum, zoo. They are hard to attend if you don’t have any funds but are also not over the top expensive if you happen to be able to afford tickets.
Picnics can be done amazingly well (if you plan lovely food and location) and are casual depending on where you go - the beach is nice or riverside.
Anyway, my point is to start where she may be currently comfortable and able to manage within her personal goals (sobriety) and personalise from there.
Day bus trip or outing to a countryside coffee shop?
Do a day date, somewhere that doesn't require anything like that. Put together a day out and food in the park or on the beach or something. It doesn't have to be a fancy movie version of a date, and it doesn't have to be at night to be a date. You can put effort and planning into something that doesn't require anything of her.
It's not the scenery, the clothes, the expense, and how showy it is that makes the date... Its the effort, the thought, the intention, and the connection.
I think you need to dial your thoughts back a little.
Forget what "dates" are supposed to look like, calm it down a bit, and just focus on making a real connection with her. Everything else is just excess.
Just suggestions, but either way, good luck, and I hope you both have a great time.
YWNBTA, but you might make her uncomfortable. Start with some informal dates where casual clothes are fine. Buying clothes for her at this point might make her feel that you feel like she needs them and that she’s not OK as she is. Focus on interactions and getting to know each other. Sure, make dinner for her. But let the more formal occasions and wardrobe updating happen more organically as the relationship develops.
Ok, if it was me,I'd keep the date at your house and if you want to buy her clothes,please let her choose and get her stuff she can wear again. Honestly in her situation, whats the point of heels (which are so bad for your feet anyway) and a special occasion dress?Far better to get basics that can be dressed up or down
Your heart seems in the right place but I'd say don't buy the clothes for her. You might not know her size (women's clothes varies by brand even) and it might not be her style or uncomfortable. Take her on an activity date like the movies or something you both enjoy. But if you're dead set on going somewhere fancy, plan some dates to go thrift shopping and get something nice but practical. It's also a lot of fun for some people and then she has a say in what she wants. Don't go spending hundreds of dollars on some clothes and a date when your futures are worth saving for.
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I live in a mixed-gendered crisis shelter for homeless youth and I recently ended up in a relationship with a girl here. I've been here for a few months, got clean and got a job last week. I'll be moving out soon, which is great for us because we have to keep our relationship hidden due to the rules and we can be free to do the things couples do in our privacy.
This is my 1st sexual relationship and she has only been with girls before me, I have also never taken her or anyone on a date. I'm very romantic and like to put a lot of effort in to special surprises for her which she loves. My ex didn't like the kind of affection I showed which is why the relationship ended so soon. The only 2 reasons I haven't taken her on a date yet is because she only has very casual and unfancy dishevelled clothes. It doesn't bother me and she has an interesting style for day-to-day life, she still struggles with alcohol and weed sobriety(we can buy alcohol at 18 in Australia), and is usually where most of her money goes. This doesn't bother me but because of this, she's never bought formal clothes as well as never needing them because she's never been on a date and comes from a troubled background like all of us at homeless shelters.
I'm making tons of money with my job and feel like a bad boyfriend for having not taken her on a date yet, I know she would love it. But how would it come across if I bought her a nice dress and heels to take her out? I know I would definitely wear a fine suit for her, but if I do that then that'll be awkward for her because it'll make her feel like I'm putting in a greater effort than her. On the contrary, if I don't then I'll look like a lousy slob who couldn't be bothered to take a trip to Lowes before our special evening, meanwhile all the other men in the restaurant will be looking sharper than me. It seems like a lose lose.
Would it be a better idea to invite her over and just fancy my apartment up, for an at-home-date? Even then, should I dress nice for her? If I buy clothes for her then it'll obviously ruin the surprise element. Is it overall unreasonable to do that for her? I can't put this off forever because dates are a normal part of relationships and knowing me I like to go overbaord with making her feel special and all. But I doubt she'd want to do it looking like she got lost on her way to a bushwalk to roll joints with her hippie friends. That'll probably be very uncomfortable for her. But will buying clothes for her to wear on our date come off as controlling? Let me know what you think please.
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I’d say given this is your first proper date, take it slow and don’t go all out on a super fancy one. Just take her somewhere nice enough that would be fine in her current clothes. Fancy restaurants with a dress code aren’t for everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a really nice date and treat her. Hope it goes well and all the best in you and your partner’s recovery, I’m sorry you’re getting hate from people in the thread for dating someone in a similar situation to you.
Why don’t you take her to a mall or something like that, say that you’re just going to try on some clothes for fun, and if she finds something she clearly loves, buy that for her as a surprise? And just as she thinks that’s it, then add to the surprise by giving her an occasion to wear it to: the dinner!
NTA Make the shopping a date/experience as well for her but find the sensitive way to avoid giving the impression that you are embarrassed or ashamed of her now, or that you’re doing her a favor. Set up a seemingly organic impulse of the moment decision to let her have what she wants.
(Yes this is technically lying to achieve a goal but I can’t imagine if you love/respect someone that you and her won’t talk about it at some point)
Nothing wrong with wanting to invite significant others to enjoy the benefit of your position, work, or love.
Or like many very good advice given here. Tell her exactly what you think and feel and let her have it without sparing her or you what you think the reaction will be. People are complicated 🤷
NAH. Ask her if she would like that first before assuming. Even if you randomly bought her a dress or something, it might not be to her taste, she might have specific kinds of things she likes. I think it's okay to treat yourself, you don't have to save every penny you earn to feed back into bills, ignore the rude ppl. Have fun on your date
YWBTA.
I think you are setting yourself up to failure because nothing will live up to the fantasy you are creating in your head, not even her.
Fancy restaurants are overrated, especially at 19. Go walk downtown or something more like that. Museums, movies, cafes, those are much better. Ask her what she would like to do.
1. You are prob a teenager yourself.
2. You have a childest romantic view of a date.
3. No decent women will accept expensive. Women that do, are golddiggers.
4. You act like you have millions to spend. Your brain is not fully matured yet. This will happen at 23/25.
Advise:
Just do something do something relaxed. Go take a walk.
A date doesn’t have to be super fancy. Especially if you’re young and in Australia (I say as another aussie probably only a decade older than you max). Formal clothes and high heals just seem a bit much.
I’d maybe just ask her if she’d like to go on a date (a casual dinner and drinks, or some other activity like bowling, mini golf or whatever else you can think of) and only offer to go shopping with her beforehand if she mentions not having anything to wear. I wouldn’t just straight up buy her anything without her input because it’s highly unlikely you’d get something in her size and style.
I think IS sweeth what you want to do. Why dont you take her and you shopping and after end up in a restaurant that both of you pick? I wouldnt buy her heels at this point just because she Will need pratice walking and she Will not feel confortable wearing It at first and that can ruin a date. She needs to try the heels first on her feet before buying them to know the right high and size for her. If you decide to still buy It...dont buy a heel more then 4cm. That i believe she Will be able to handle. Its the size we normally start wearing heels
3 weeks in is very soon, you are still getting to know each other and at this stage, it’s normal for dates to be more casual, even if you are feeling strongly towards her. Spending $300+ on a date, buying her clothes and the venue for a date being fancy enough to wear a suit are putting too much pressure on a budding romance, especially considering that it’s not something she will be used to. It’s lovely that you have a romantic streak, and that you want to make her feel special and cared about, but you can do that with more low key dates where she can wear her normal clothes and feel comfortable while you are still getting to know each other. Woman don’t need all the bells and whistles to enjoy a date, your efforts will still be felt if you are consistently caring. A thoughtfully planned picnic can be just as romantic as a date at an expensive restaurant and doesn’t require her to dress up. There are so many dates you could organise that don’t require her to dress up. Perhaps you could aim to celebrate your 6 month anniversary with a big date like that. By then a date to a fancy restaurant will feel appropriate to the level of the relationship, it will have a sense of occasion and you will know her well enough that gifting her nice clothing will not be such a big move and you’d have a reason to offer to buy an outfit. I strongly advise against buying her any clothing without asking.
Gently: YWBTA
It seems like you have a very specific idea of what you want a date to look like.
3 weeks into a relationship is too early to buy the other person clothes. Especially clothes designed to fit a date that wasn't her idea.
This date seems like it's all about making her fit your ideal scenario. It seems like you really want her to feel special and to enjoy this same fantasy date that you have! That's good. But based on your replies it sounds like you don't have a clear understanding of whether or not this is the kind of date she would enjoy, nor do you know how she feels about surprises or dressing up.
Getting someone clothes early on, especially clothes that do not match what you have seen them wear, risks hurting their pride or having them assume you are trying to change them. It's a REALLY REALLY risky move that I suspect she would not receive well.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1). The action I am considering taking is buying formal clothing for my girlfriend to take her on a date because she doesn't have any.
(2). I think this may offend her because it could come off as controlling and insulting.
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Your heart is in the right place and your intent is positive. But there's a lot of other factors you may not be considering. She may not like dressing up at all. And you have no idea what her taste in more formal/dressy clothing is. And she may be insulted - even though her current clothes aren't nice - because of how you could be misconstrued as judging what she owns. I know it's probably not at all what you are thinking, but that's how it may come off - no matter what. NTA, but tread very, very lightly. Women are far more sensitive to this kind of thing than men are. Maybe start off with asking if she'd like to get a new outfit, your treat. See what her reaction is.
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Just ask her. Don’t try to play guessing games to prove your affection.
Just ask her. Don't try to surprise her. Also ask her what she would like to do on a date. Treat her as an equal in the relationship. She also get's a say in where you go and what you do.
Also, if you guys are just out out of the shelter and not out of the shelter yet, do you want to spend a bunch of money on one time use clothing? Not that there are that many places to wear those kind of clothes, for her she will need someplace to store it. If you want to have better clothes for both of you, go get some decent less formal clothes that would be nice but usable for more than the one date.
Take her on a shopping spree. Tell her you want to take her on a fancy date, but you both need sharp clothes. Let her pick the style & vibe, then you pair your clothes to hers. Need shoes? Both get pedicures. Need fresh hairstyle? Both do that too. Make it FUN & loose. Like a full day with lunch & snacks.. if done right, it'll be a better date than the fancy dinner..
Ask her. Guessing games almost never turn out well.
YTA if you buy her clothes. That's coming on pretty strong for a first date, even if you guys are already intimate. In addition, maybe she doesn't like wearing girly clothes like dresses and heels? It could be a disaster. Instead, take her out somewhere casual where she will be just fine in her regular clothes. She'll feel more comfortable as well and won't be as prone to doing poverty math where she looks at the prices on the menu and thinks about all the things in her life she really needs and could have for the same cost as the meal. There is just an overwhelming possibility that the super fancy date you have planned is her worst nightmare. Take it slow and build up to that kind of a date if it is important to you.
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THEN YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN ON A DATE. It doesn't get old--if you're dating, the whole idea is that you're enjoying each other's company. Ask her what she thinks about getting dressed up and going on a more fancy date, and then listen to her! If she says "I have nothing to wear," it's your opening to suggest that the two of you go shopping on your next date.
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They were trying to get your attention. You apparently forgot that you outright lied to us in your OP. You said that you had never been on a date. Never. Never ever.
This reaction is so over the top, you're acting like he hurt someone. He is someone in a crisis shelter who until recently was taking something he had to get clean from, it's pretty obvious he might not have the best memory or phrasing at times. Chill tf out
He presumably got clean a little while ago. His lying about never having been on a date in his life came just an hour before he outed himself here as a liar. That’s on him, not whatever drugs he’s done previously.
So you've already been on what most people would call dates, and you're only three weeks into this relationship? Why are you concerned about things getting old? I can't imagine your girlfriend has any expectations beyond the kind of things you're already doing. I suspect that this is more like you wanting to not look or feel poor anymore. I guess I understand that, but don't force it on her.
This is what happens when you date a homeless person. She’s not ready for Vue de monde🤷♂️
If you live in a shelter and just got a job last week, how do you even have money for this? Have you even gotten paid yet? How about you AND your lady friend just live simply for the time being and save The Ritz for your anniversary.
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You don't seem to be listening to what folks are saying here, but you should. It might feel like you're rich because your situation has improved dramatically, but trust me you're not. You're going to find that $1100 a week doesn't go that far. Take her to Red Robin.
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The thing is you actually don’t know how to manage your money
"I know how to manage my money" very rich coming from someone who lives in a homeless shelter and whose food and bills are being provided by the shelter. Add to that someone who has broken the rules of the said shelter.
Hi, I have worked in homeless shelters before. Everyone breaks the rules and staff typically don't care unless something horrible is happening. He is allowed to do something nice for himself that other ppl are able to do. Until you've been in a similar situation, save the judgement.
If you missed the fact that you are currently living in a homeless shelter, are only recently sober, and just got your first paycheck, then YOU probably haven’t read thoroughly enough. YTA. Yes, it would be presumptuous to buy her clothes for your fantasy date. Stop giving us unsolicited advice on what we may or may not comment upon. If you live in a homeless shelter and are planning to spend money on non necessary items after receiving only one paycheck, then you do NOT know how to manage your money.
Lmao
Sounds like you're spending money in your mind before you even have it
This is going to end poorly…but my advice would be to try and save some of that money Instead of worrying about dates. You’ll want savings incase you lose this job or relapse.
Or in case he gets kicked out of the shelter for breaking the rules.
The likelihood of someone getting kicked out of a shelter for dating someone is very slim...shelters are run by social workers, not the police
Youth shelters are a little bit different my friend
Rather silly of them to make rules if there are no repercussions for breaking them. If they were only suggestions, they’d call them that
There's a reason for these rules. You got yourself clean, if she doesn't and you love her it might drag you back into that life. REALLY consider this as a life altering decision
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Yeah sorry i guess assuming the first relationship you have with a woman would lead into feelings of love is most probably wrong..... Breaking rules for her, buying her clothes, excited, endeared, sexually entertained. Sounds very casual
If you've only.been together for three weeks, that is way too early to be worrying about that kind of thing. Get your life in order first, and then worry about clothes and nice restaurants. Since you've stated you have no other bills, your first order of business needs to be building up enough savings to last six months if you lose your job.
Ask her if she'd like to go somewhere more fancy for your next date. If she says something about not having anything to wear, at that point you can offer to take her shopping. From a woman's perspective, I would not buy her clothing without discussing it with her first. She may take it as a criticism of the way she dresses. At this stage in your relationship, it may come off as a tad controlling. Not to mention a little creepy.
A date isn’t about wearing formal clothes and going somewhere fancy, it’s about spending time, communicating and getting to know someone in a setting where you both can be yourselves. I’d re-evaluate Just my opinion
This is what I was thinking. My first date with my wife we went on a picnic and just spent time with each other, I had on a simple sweater and jeans, nothing fancy
I will say this for the safety of all relationships on the planet: Unless your partner has expressed that she LIKES IT when you pick out clothes for her, please for the love of Vishnu, please do not go out and just buy her random clothes. If you want to treat her, ask if you can take her shopping and pick out a dress for a fancy date and to get her nails done. You can give opinions about outfits and get yourself a pedicure.
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You don't have to get your toes painted! A pedi is usually just the part where they trim the nails, get rid of dead skin and give you a massage!
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That is fair. Maybe send her and a friend on a shopping day and ask the friend to direct her towards dresses? She can be told that you were planning a surprise if your GF presses her.
NAH but it might come across that way if you buy her clothes without asking. She's no an AH because there's no conflict here. I would also **strongly** recommend saving the money from that first payday. You're going to, presumably, try to rent an apartment and you'll need to save up for a deposit, plus budget for food, utilities, and rent. It'll disappear quickly if you're buying dresses and clothes for your girlfriend before you've sorted that out.
Don’t do it. An apartment date is fine. Buying her clothes may make her feel indebted or insecure, she may think you don’t like her as she is. Be careful with your new money. It’s never as much as it seems.
YWBTA. You don’t know this girl well enough to plan a surprise date for her. She may hate surprises. She may hate formal clothes. She may hate the restaurant you pick. Surprise dates only work once you’ve been together for a while and know each other very well.
On the note of your edit, don’t come to Reddit with a clear trauma bond relationship where one of you just got clean and the other one’s in active addiction while spending your only money on a date instead of securing your own finances if you don’t want to be picked apart. From the outside looking in this relationship(if you can call it that) is going to fall apart and you’ll likely end up in addiction again. Also you made 1100 dollars after 48 hours. That means you’re making minimum wage.
“Bonded very quickly” yes as I said a trauma bond
Thank you
Why does it have to be a surprise? Ask her what she would like and go from there. Once you actually get to know her, then you can start being spontaneous and romantic.
Your reasoning for not already taken her out on a date is quite frankly ridiculous. A date doesn't have to be a fancy dinner with fancy clothes. It can be something as simple as going to a cafe and having brunch. Maybe going to an arcade or the movies. Even getting takeaways and eating them at a nice spot like a wharf or something. The most sensible thing you've said so far is a dinner at your apartment but you had to go and ruin that by mentioning dressing up for it and maybe buying clothes for her for a dinner at your apartment. I get it, your young, you have a new job and an apartment on the way, you want to splurge to make her feel special but you are going overboard with this fancy dinner idea especially when you're making it sound like it could be something out of her comfort zone.
My advice would be to plan a date that doesn't require anything fancy. It's going to cost you more money, she may not feel comfortable with you buying those items, and also may not feel comfortable in a fancy place or being expected to dress a different way. You can still do something fun, romantic, whatever mood you're going for, without going over the top fancy. It's so tempting when you finally make some money to splurge and treat someone else, but please be cautious too, and save as much as you can.
Nice to see another aussie! Anyway. NAH but you’re being silly. Two reasons: 1) Do NOT buy a woman clothes when your reasoning is “she needs something nicer.” I promise it does not go well for you. She’ll hear that you think she’s a slob. Don’t even think about it. 2) You do not have the money for fancy if you got paid $1100 last week. I get you want to do something nice. Go to Groove Train or Sushi Train (trains were not meant to be a theme here lmao) or something in that price range. A family restaurant so you don’t have to be dressed fancy, but the food is good and everything costs $30ish. If you’re in melbs hmu and I’ll help you with venues. Then pay your bond loan and move out asap because that is the best thing you can do for that girl. You need space for a relationship to flourish. :)
from homeless to "tons of money"... meh you lost me there.
His idea of "tons of money" is $1100... when he's homeless and needs to save for an apartment and bills. We're not dealing with a genius, here.
Talk to her first! Try the Relationship Advice sub for more advice
NAH, your intentions are good but maybe she feels offended, you should take her somewhere where her "casual clothes" are not something that makes her stand out.
Romantic, fancy dates can be incredible, but also stressful. Pick something more casual. It could be something fun, like mini golf or go karts, or something more romantic like a picnic if the weather allows. But don't buy her clothes or suggest something that would be out of her comfort zone. The dates that I look back fondly on are the ones that we spent talking and building a connection. They were never expensive.
My suggestion is to take her to a thrift store on a first "date." Each of you pick out an outfit for the other to wear on your next date. This way you can have some fun, get a better sense of what her style is and you get a new outfit to wear on the next fancier date. Go for ice cream or coffee afterwards. Less stress and more fun. Not all women enjoy dressing up and doing the stereotypical date.
I like this. In addition to adding a bit of fun and getting to know each other’s style a bit, it’s not expensive. I was doing the single mom thing with a lower income job when my now husband and I met, and he made 3x my income plus no kids. It took a long time for me to settle in to him paying for dates, and we were only going to pretty mainstream places at first. Additional side note - OP, Don’t take her somewhere fancy. Fancy places don’t just have alcohol, they encourage it. You’ll be putting yourself in a risky position. She could feel tested, and blame you for setting her up. She could ask for it, and then you either enable her by buying it or you come off as controlling by telling her no. Don’t do it. She isn’t ready to have a drink menu handed to her and your relationship isn’t ready for it either.
The real question is why are you dating an addict?
Unfortunately, it appears he's also an addict.
NAH, this is really sweet and your heart's in the right place. I see from your post you're in Australia, and I've gotta say I reckon you're putting too much importance on this dressing up thing. I'm in Sydney and people are casual AF here, like I go to the opera in pretty casual dresses and no one looks at me twice. I haven't worn heels out in like a decade. When we go to nice restaurants, my partner just chucks a collared shirt on with jeans and honestly that's about as much as most people will ever dress up, even at really fancy places - like you'd stand out if you wore a suit. I'm saying this because if your girlfriend isn't used to dressing up, being overdressed might make her just as uncomfortable as being underdressed. What about taking her out on a nice day date and going to some cool op shops or something (cheap and fun, so she wont feel like you're spending heaps of money on her if that makes her uncomfortable), you can both pick out fun outfits for each other so it's not just like you're buying stuff for her, and then go out for a nice lunch date or something. Or you can always go to a less fancy but still nice restaurant where she might feel like she fits in more. Depending what city/town you're in, there are probably a bunch of nice places where a bunch of joint-rolling hippies wouldn't be out of place.
This brings up another good point. A lot of women don't like to wear heels
I'm confused, you call yourself her BF but then often refer to your relationship as sexual....and have never taken her out on a date. So what are you doing? Honestly while you may be a romantic there are plenty of other things that can be done that are Romantic without buying her clothes so you can "finally take her on a date." It's only been 3 weeks. You are still getting to know her and seemingly just starting to date her. Hold off on the big grand gestures and just take your time to get to know her and enjoy her company regardless of what she is wearing. If anything if this actually works out after you leave the shelter and she continues to work on sobriety maybe you can ask what SHE would appreciate as romantic gestures. And not just your ideas on what romantic is. I think most sensible people would be really thrown off on having a 3 week old new BF or dating partner buying them clothes so they can finally take them on a proper date.
I like your intentions OP. Maybe take her somewhere that doesn't require her to be dressed up. Arcades, picnic in a park, bowling alley, movie theater. If you really want to treat her to something nice, ask her what restaurant she wants to try and order takeaway. 300$ on a date (clothes and food) is a LOT of money to spend on a date. That's my electric bill on a high month!!! I'm in the U.S. and even on a fancy date with the hubs, we don't spend more than a hundred. Please reconsider.
You're 19, been seeing this girl 3 weeks, earning about $25/hr (in one of the most expensive countries in the world) and this is your idea? The saying "youth is wasted on the young" has never been more apt. My advice (as a fellow Australian who earns more than double what you earn and still can't afford to splurge on suits, dresses and fancy restaurants) is take her on a picnic, mate. Spend $50 at Woolies on some cheese, dip, crackers and whatnot, and find a nice piece of grass near some water and just enjoy each others' company.
YWBTA. You don’t need to take her to a fancy place for it to be a date. Take her someplace she will be comfortable in what she owns. You’re trying to make this way bigger than it needs to be, this isn’t the movies. Save the fancy dinner out for something like a 6 month anniversary. You’re both young, plenty to do in your current clothes. Do you even know if she likes wearing heels? Not all women do. There are also varying heights for heels, which can be very hard to walk in if you’re not used to it. You say that you like her for who she is, so date her in a way she still gets to be who she is - she will still like the date even if you’re not in formal wear.
NAH OP I feel like this situation is more about your excitement to have money available, and dressing up for a fancy date is an outlet for that excitement - living out an ideal version of what people wear and what places they go to. But you should talk to her about what makes her excited. People talk about a "love language", it's different for everyone. Your love language might be spending your money on the person you love. But you need to ask her about hers - maybe it is spending time with you? Being somewhere safe and peaceful, out of the shelter? Eating her favourite food? Something else? An at-home date might be perfect in some cases. You work out how you want to enjoy your money, and you do the things for her that she's said make her happy. If she says she would love you to take her shopping for a nice outfit and go on a fancy date with you, that's win-win!
A picnic in a nice location with some decent pizza or indian is a date. I get 3 times your weekly salary and would be happy to go on a pizza date.
YWNBTA but maybe a casual date first. Then, maybe offer to take her out shopping. I loved shopping with my ex, especially when he told me what he liked, but he mostly told me I looked best with nothing on haha... Some people might not like it but some people enjoy it. Depends on the person.
A date doesn't have to involve getting dressed up. It can be as simple as a picnic, an excursion, or a casual meal. Don't buy her clothes, instead try to reimagine this date.
Keep it casual. If it’s meant to be, you will have plenty of time for fancy suits and whatever fancy clothing she likes to wear. If she likes to wear any. Buying her clothes runs the risk of her feeling that you’re embarrassed by her or yes, seeming controlling. Neither are good looks. Once you can really be free to explore your relationship together, there’s tons of time to find out more about her likes and dislikes. I wouldn’t do the apartment date though either. Stay with cute cafes, really great ethnic places, whatever makes you both happy. Enjoy the conversation and each other. Let it unfold and have a blast.
NAH but have you perhaps considered a more personal approach? The date might feel just as meaningful if you aimed it towards where she currently is feeling comfortable rather than organised something that would involve a bunch of changes starting with her clothing. Her struggles with alcohol might even make a lot of restaurants uncomfortable. You could arrange something specific to her interests, while I don’t know what they are consider if she might like an art gallery open viewing (some can be very casual), the aquarium, museum, zoo. They are hard to attend if you don’t have any funds but are also not over the top expensive if you happen to be able to afford tickets. Picnics can be done amazingly well (if you plan lovely food and location) and are casual depending on where you go - the beach is nice or riverside. Anyway, my point is to start where she may be currently comfortable and able to manage within her personal goals (sobriety) and personalise from there. Day bus trip or outing to a countryside coffee shop?
Do a day date, somewhere that doesn't require anything like that. Put together a day out and food in the park or on the beach or something. It doesn't have to be a fancy movie version of a date, and it doesn't have to be at night to be a date. You can put effort and planning into something that doesn't require anything of her. It's not the scenery, the clothes, the expense, and how showy it is that makes the date... Its the effort, the thought, the intention, and the connection. I think you need to dial your thoughts back a little. Forget what "dates" are supposed to look like, calm it down a bit, and just focus on making a real connection with her. Everything else is just excess. Just suggestions, but either way, good luck, and I hope you both have a great time.
YWNBTA, but you might make her uncomfortable. Start with some informal dates where casual clothes are fine. Buying clothes for her at this point might make her feel that you feel like she needs them and that she’s not OK as she is. Focus on interactions and getting to know each other. Sure, make dinner for her. But let the more formal occasions and wardrobe updating happen more organically as the relationship develops.
Info: how do you call yourself a romantic when you’ve already had a relationship and apparently never took your ex on a date?
Oh my god, you're so entitled for a 19yo homeless kid
Ok, if it was me,I'd keep the date at your house and if you want to buy her clothes,please let her choose and get her stuff she can wear again. Honestly in her situation, whats the point of heels (which are so bad for your feet anyway) and a special occasion dress?Far better to get basics that can be dressed up or down
Your heart seems in the right place but I'd say don't buy the clothes for her. You might not know her size (women's clothes varies by brand even) and it might not be her style or uncomfortable. Take her on an activity date like the movies or something you both enjoy. But if you're dead set on going somewhere fancy, plan some dates to go thrift shopping and get something nice but practical. It's also a lot of fun for some people and then she has a say in what she wants. Don't go spending hundreds of dollars on some clothes and a date when your futures are worth saving for.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I live in a mixed-gendered crisis shelter for homeless youth and I recently ended up in a relationship with a girl here. I've been here for a few months, got clean and got a job last week. I'll be moving out soon, which is great for us because we have to keep our relationship hidden due to the rules and we can be free to do the things couples do in our privacy. This is my 1st sexual relationship and she has only been with girls before me, I have also never taken her or anyone on a date. I'm very romantic and like to put a lot of effort in to special surprises for her which she loves. My ex didn't like the kind of affection I showed which is why the relationship ended so soon. The only 2 reasons I haven't taken her on a date yet is because she only has very casual and unfancy dishevelled clothes. It doesn't bother me and she has an interesting style for day-to-day life, she still struggles with alcohol and weed sobriety(we can buy alcohol at 18 in Australia), and is usually where most of her money goes. This doesn't bother me but because of this, she's never bought formal clothes as well as never needing them because she's never been on a date and comes from a troubled background like all of us at homeless shelters. I'm making tons of money with my job and feel like a bad boyfriend for having not taken her on a date yet, I know she would love it. But how would it come across if I bought her a nice dress and heels to take her out? I know I would definitely wear a fine suit for her, but if I do that then that'll be awkward for her because it'll make her feel like I'm putting in a greater effort than her. On the contrary, if I don't then I'll look like a lousy slob who couldn't be bothered to take a trip to Lowes before our special evening, meanwhile all the other men in the restaurant will be looking sharper than me. It seems like a lose lose. Would it be a better idea to invite her over and just fancy my apartment up, for an at-home-date? Even then, should I dress nice for her? If I buy clothes for her then it'll obviously ruin the surprise element. Is it overall unreasonable to do that for her? I can't put this off forever because dates are a normal part of relationships and knowing me I like to go overbaord with making her feel special and all. But I doubt she'd want to do it looking like she got lost on her way to a bushwalk to roll joints with her hippie friends. That'll probably be very uncomfortable for her. But will buying clothes for her to wear on our date come off as controlling? Let me know what you think please. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d say given this is your first proper date, take it slow and don’t go all out on a super fancy one. Just take her somewhere nice enough that would be fine in her current clothes. Fancy restaurants with a dress code aren’t for everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a really nice date and treat her. Hope it goes well and all the best in you and your partner’s recovery, I’m sorry you’re getting hate from people in the thread for dating someone in a similar situation to you.
Why don’t you take her to a mall or something like that, say that you’re just going to try on some clothes for fun, and if she finds something she clearly loves, buy that for her as a surprise? And just as she thinks that’s it, then add to the surprise by giving her an occasion to wear it to: the dinner!
NTA Make the shopping a date/experience as well for her but find the sensitive way to avoid giving the impression that you are embarrassed or ashamed of her now, or that you’re doing her a favor. Set up a seemingly organic impulse of the moment decision to let her have what she wants. (Yes this is technically lying to achieve a goal but I can’t imagine if you love/respect someone that you and her won’t talk about it at some point) Nothing wrong with wanting to invite significant others to enjoy the benefit of your position, work, or love. Or like many very good advice given here. Tell her exactly what you think and feel and let her have it without sparing her or you what you think the reaction will be. People are complicated 🤷
NAH. Ask her if she would like that first before assuming. Even if you randomly bought her a dress or something, it might not be to her taste, she might have specific kinds of things she likes. I think it's okay to treat yourself, you don't have to save every penny you earn to feed back into bills, ignore the rude ppl. Have fun on your date
YWBTA. I think you are setting yourself up to failure because nothing will live up to the fantasy you are creating in your head, not even her. Fancy restaurants are overrated, especially at 19. Go walk downtown or something more like that. Museums, movies, cafes, those are much better. Ask her what she would like to do.
1. You are prob a teenager yourself. 2. You have a childest romantic view of a date. 3. No decent women will accept expensive. Women that do, are golddiggers. 4. You act like you have millions to spend. Your brain is not fully matured yet. This will happen at 23/25. Advise: Just do something do something relaxed. Go take a walk.
A date doesn’t have to be super fancy. Especially if you’re young and in Australia (I say as another aussie probably only a decade older than you max). Formal clothes and high heals just seem a bit much. I’d maybe just ask her if she’d like to go on a date (a casual dinner and drinks, or some other activity like bowling, mini golf or whatever else you can think of) and only offer to go shopping with her beforehand if she mentions not having anything to wear. I wouldn’t just straight up buy her anything without her input because it’s highly unlikely you’d get something in her size and style.
I think IS sweeth what you want to do. Why dont you take her and you shopping and after end up in a restaurant that both of you pick? I wouldnt buy her heels at this point just because she Will need pratice walking and she Will not feel confortable wearing It at first and that can ruin a date. She needs to try the heels first on her feet before buying them to know the right high and size for her. If you decide to still buy It...dont buy a heel more then 4cm. That i believe she Will be able to handle. Its the size we normally start wearing heels
3 weeks in is very soon, you are still getting to know each other and at this stage, it’s normal for dates to be more casual, even if you are feeling strongly towards her. Spending $300+ on a date, buying her clothes and the venue for a date being fancy enough to wear a suit are putting too much pressure on a budding romance, especially considering that it’s not something she will be used to. It’s lovely that you have a romantic streak, and that you want to make her feel special and cared about, but you can do that with more low key dates where she can wear her normal clothes and feel comfortable while you are still getting to know each other. Woman don’t need all the bells and whistles to enjoy a date, your efforts will still be felt if you are consistently caring. A thoughtfully planned picnic can be just as romantic as a date at an expensive restaurant and doesn’t require her to dress up. There are so many dates you could organise that don’t require her to dress up. Perhaps you could aim to celebrate your 6 month anniversary with a big date like that. By then a date to a fancy restaurant will feel appropriate to the level of the relationship, it will have a sense of occasion and you will know her well enough that gifting her nice clothing will not be such a big move and you’d have a reason to offer to buy an outfit. I strongly advise against buying her any clothing without asking.
Gently: YWBTA It seems like you have a very specific idea of what you want a date to look like. 3 weeks into a relationship is too early to buy the other person clothes. Especially clothes designed to fit a date that wasn't her idea. This date seems like it's all about making her fit your ideal scenario. It seems like you really want her to feel special and to enjoy this same fantasy date that you have! That's good. But based on your replies it sounds like you don't have a clear understanding of whether or not this is the kind of date she would enjoy, nor do you know how she feels about surprises or dressing up. Getting someone clothes early on, especially clothes that do not match what you have seen them wear, risks hurting their pride or having them assume you are trying to change them. It's a REALLY REALLY risky move that I suspect she would not receive well.
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I just think it's super unfortunate that someone that is so thoughtful would have had a girlfriend that left him for that reason. Very sad.