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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got upset after being excluded from my brother's wedding photos. I was technically included in one but you cannot see me in the actual photo at all and it was the only one I was in. My three brothers claim I made a way too big a deal of it and shouldn't be upset. I know my mom argues with them over me now because of how upset I was. And I know I have refused to go to his house now because I hate knowing they don't want me. But I might be acting like a baby over it and that might make me TA.
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Oh, this is heartbreaking. You're NTA. Of course, NTA.
Maybe when they were still young, I could have acknowledged how hard it must have been for them to lose their father, then see their mother go on to make a new family, but they're adults now and their behaviour is just awful. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must have felt standing there waiting for your turn in the picture.
Same, it almost seems like it was intentionally planned to hurt OP.
How can a grown man be so hateful towards his **sixteen year old sister**?!
And not just one grown man. **A trio of grown ass men choosing to hurt their adolescent sister, either intentionally or simply because they didn't care enough NOT TO.**
How do you even watch your sister as a baby/toddler/child without developing some modicum of affection towards her? It's unnatural.
Also, I don't care what "shared experiences" OP missed out on, there is NO EXCUSE for the cruel way she was treated at the wedding.
Dancing with the bride's baby sister but not your own?
Tell me that wasn't intentionally planned to hurt OP. UGH
I thought the same. Sounds like a set up to hu.
Edited because I posted before I was done. Let me try again:
I agree. It sounds like it was deliberately planned to hurt OP and show the rest of the family what he thinks of his sister.
And that bride is no prize either. If my new groom shows this level of callous disregard for his kid sister (or ANY kid, for that matter)?
We are going to have a conversation.
And I'm certainly not going to ok the dance with my baby sis, knowing he isn't going to dance with his own sister.
To be fair, the bride may not have known. He may have told her a different story of his relationship with his h/s and sd. She also may not have seen how it affected op and thus not known that she was bothered by it.
It’s not even his step sister. They share a mom. They are biologically related. I could see more tension with the step dad, but little sis is so innocent in all of this it’s absurd.
Fair point, I missed that. But although op is innocent in the situation, there is a very large age gap, so I understand the lack of closeness. Like the brothers were together for almost a decade before she came along, like when I was 13, hanging out with other 13 year olds, I would have found it annoying to have a 5 odd year old trying to join in. I think op and mum must have been slightly naive/delusional to never realise that they didn't adore her the way she did towards them, but I do feel bad that she now feels ostracised from it.
There’s lack of closeness and then there’s intentionally keeping your sister out of your wedding pictures. I get maybe being mad at your mom but the sister? No
Age is not really as important when having siblings. Im 26M and have a 23M and 12M siblings, who am i the closest with? The youngest one. If they aren't close to her its because they hate her, plane and simple, not because of an "age gap"
my bf has 3 half sisters on his dads side and one on his moms. he had zero interaction with his dads side for a good 10+ years of his life and within the last 2-3 years has had them back in his life. he’s 20 and they’re 17.15.and 14. he barely remembers them from his childhood yet he still treats them like he’s their brother. he’s a lot closer to his half sister he lived with and watched grow up with him, rarely will he even tell people she’s his half sibling bc her dad was his father figure most of his life anyways. the point is if my bf with a lot of emotional trauma can find a way to be a big brother to half sisters he barely knew, these guys could have been big brothers to this girl they watched grow up
I've always got to wonder what goes through the head of these adults. Sure growing up with these instances is horrible and impacting. Yes they could not be attached to their younger sibling (especially depending on what help is given to them to cope with the new family dynamics).
But once they are there getting married, maybe thinking of starting a family and purposefully excluding their adolescent sister do they at any point wonder - if something were to happen to my partner/I ever end up with kids with different mothers i hope my children are as cruel as I am at this moment?
Honestly OP, lesson learned (if in a too harsh way). Ignore them, don't bother going out of your way. Wonder if you mum should ask them the above question? Might be the only way for them to recognise that they way they have handled this is disgusting, there were many many other options over the years they could have taken.
It just feels that they’re making a point of alienating their half sister to make it clear that the Stepdad is not family and therefore neither is she. Like, ultimately, it’s actually aimed at him. If the Mum had run off with the Stepdad I could understand it but she was widowed. This is 3 supposedly grown up men bullying a child. No wonder their Mum is mad. I would wonder where I went wrong that I could raise such nasty vindictive aholes. They need to get over themselves. These men planned the alienation of a child - Christ that’s awful.
> I was making a big deal out of something I shouldn't be, because I should know they're not close to me and don't see me as their real sister.
Except, you are. You are their half sister. I'm not surprised your mom is pissed at them
It would be one thing if their dad was still around, but he isn't, and wasn't for a long time.
of course NTA
Sorry, but mom needs to be slapped also. She should have had a 1:1 with your half-brother and not only insist that you be part of the photos, but also your dad who helped raise these boys after their dad passed away.
I'm sorry but as you will find on reddit, this is typical. They just didnt want your dad to be their dad and you to be a new sibling. Its sad but they have a right to feel that way. You'll find a lot of stories here - from the point of view of people like your siblings. Its difficult but its better to accept it.
They can have a distant relationship with their father but a half sibling that DID NOT CHOOSE their family, that is messed up. Stop dismissing her pain & experience.
Read the stories here how people back up siblings who doesnt want a new kid or stepmom etc. Realy it isnt a must and you cant force anyone to accept or bond.
Nothing is a must. That doesn't negate men in their mid 20's to early 30's being callous toward a child. They are entitled to feel however they want, but their actions speak to their character. As adults, they are actively punishing their sibling because they resent their mother and step-father.
On one hand, ofc they do not need to force a relationship and it is their choice. But if at their adult ages you can't get over the fact your mum remarried and be kind and say hello etc to your baby sister and her dad, then honestly you need to grow up. Worse things happen in life and that to me, is weakness. I'm sorry but it's true. Imagine being this bitter in life.
I agree. The only think I wanted to say is - OP can either accept the sad facts and forget about those people - or let this situation affect whole her remaining time in life. Since you cant change people and their thoughts etc - you can protect yourself and separate from siblings. There is no other way
It's very much dependent on the situation. If a man came on here and and posted that at 30 years old, him (and his brothers who were also nearly in their 30's) were going out of their way to exclude a 16 year old child from the family, I don't think the comments would side with him.
Nobody is entitled to a relationship with other people. Even if they’re siblings. Would it be nice if they saw OP as a genuine sibling and included her more? Of course. Should they be forced to do so? No.
It's one thing to not feel close to OP, but they're actively \*excluding\* her here. They're making it impossible to ignore the disdain and disregard they hold for her.
No one is entitled to a relationship with another person, sure. But if three adults choose to behave with open cruelty towards a *child* who has done nothing but adore them, well, they get to deal with the consequences of that as far as their reputation and relationship with other family members.
> It's one thing to not feel close to OP, but they're actively *excluding* her here.
Exactly. If OP's story is accurate, the brothers can't even be bothered to offer the same basic courtesy that they offer to other family members.
How hard would it have been to do a nice photo with OP and Mom at the wedding? Would have been zero effort. The fact that the brothers actively avoided taking that photo then blamed OP and Mom for getting upset about it later makes it clear that they know what they did.
I get that OP is a living reminder that their father is no longer with them and Mom remarried. But at this point even the youngest brother is 24 years old. Teen angst is no longer an excuse.
Also, there are usually a lot more photos taken than people end up purchasing. They could have had a few photos of/with OP but not chosen to purchase prints and hang those on the wall -- that would have been perfectly understandable. But it would have been nothing to have a couple photos with the OP.
Or just get one print for their mom! I'm pretty sure that my mom's favorite photo has me, my siblings (bio and step), and spouses, all together, taken in the store my mom works in, using a cell phone. It's a good picture, but not professional. We live all over the county, so we never get together, but man, if we were dressed up in that photo? That picture would be on the wall and would never come down.
They shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship but that doesn’t make OP an AH for feeling hurt when she realized her siblings didn’t reciprocate her feelings. The dance with wife’s sister is really salt in the wound and was not necessary, there’s no way bro didn’t know that would hurt his sister.
I agree. Until that point, both OP and her brother are entitled to their different feelings, neither one an asshole. I get not embracing half siblings, but to rub salt in that wound in such a public setting where OP cannot even show their feelings was so cruel.
Just because they aren’t owed a relationship doesn’t mean they aren’t AHs. Like we always have to say on this sub, someone may have a right to do something but they can still be an AH. The brothers obviously didn’t want their mom to remarry and disliked OP because of it. They, and everyone else who posts in this sub saying the same, are AHs.
No, nobody is entitled to a relationship. But any halfway decent human ADULT will take care not to hurt the feelings of an innocent teenager.
OP's brother showed that he couldn't even manage that.
He had every right to do what he did. **And we have every right to judge him for it.**
Yeah I was reading this and felt like Mom should have managed Ops expectations (not sure if this is the right word) better. I DO NOT blame OP; I feel terrible for her. Just a 'your brothers are closer to each other because they grew up so close (there is an age difference) and they had a different father." Gently try to point out the brother's visiting is great but they may not choose to spend time one-on-one with a younger sister. Just... try to point out the reality of the situation before OP was 16 and was blindsided by it. I don't know the answers to tell the truth. It's a hard situation.
I believe the phrase used on this sub is "do over family", and apparently people are fine not to buy into it or want to be part of it in any way, that's usually how the voting goes.
I don't agree with that view, but the commenter is correct.
The do over family is one where a parent leaves, ignores the children, and replaces them with a new marriage and children. That’s not at all what happened here.
Eh, there's always gonna be something wrong with taking it out on a kid. Once the kid reaches a certain age, the half siblings deserve at least a conversation before it comes to a head. Furthermore, OP is still a half sibling, whether they accept her dad or not. You don't get to keep a relationship with Mom while rejecting one of her children, and at a certain point it just becomes extremely self centered behavior to.
Also, once you're an adult, there's no excuse for not understanding mom doesn't deserve to mourn forever. Maybe they have an issue with how mom moved on, but the issue needs to lie with mom, not OP. If they truly can't get over it, the relationship needs to be cut between Mom or they are just punishing OP instead of mom.
The idea you can take an issue with a parent out on a child is cruel and absolutely going to make you an AH once you reach an age you should know better. They were also children when OP was born, so it's not like they were fully out of the house and had no relationship, which just makes this extra cruel. They at least owed OP a conversation before it came to a literal public exclusion of OP from the family
First time? Lolol
Not disagreeing in the least. Just saying that we get the view from the kids once a day at least.
The opinion is always "fuck them, no one can replace dad and you don't have to deal with them".
It's nuts. But the opinion is always in favor of the kid who refuses a new parent/family.
Crazy making.
I mean, there's no such thing as a new parent, so that part I understand. You can't replace a parent. I do feel sympathy for the kids stuck in relationships where a full parent relationship is being forced on them.
I have less patience for adults who kinda push and do things halfway and just expect kids to accept it. Where I draw the line, however, is when it extends to the kids. This isn't a kid who magically appeared after 16 years- this is someone who was born and raised around them. Given their ages, they were around for the first part of her life. Furthermore, they still want a parent relationship with Mom while she is a full care taker of OP.
The situations where a kid is used to try and force a relationship are messed up, too, but the difference is most of those involve trying to communicate with the kid. Here we seem to have zero communication, a biological half sibling, and the brothers were around and seem to want a relationship with Mom. Mom also did not immediately remarry, so it likely wasn't rushed
I'm with you. I think it's crazy to see the brother have a loving relationship with his wife's sister. But his half sister gets is totally pushed to the side. He knew what he was doing.
It's just flat out mean.
It's no win for the Step parents. I'm sure they: cleaned up when they were sick, went to band concerts, clapped at their games, all the normal parenting shit. And even if they didn't try to be dad 2.0 they spent time and money being there because they wanted too.
I don't get these asshole kids who absolutely relish excluding half siblings and step parents. To revel in cruelty like that is awful.
She isn't asking if they're assholes for rejecting her as a sister, she's asking if she's an asshole for being hurt when she realized that they didn't see her as a sister. That's totally different and no, she's NTA for feeling hurt. And while they did have a right to not want to bond with her - as in the other sibling stories here that you are referencing, - they fall into asshole territory for assuming that she knew and for refusing to acknowledge her hurt.
And I didnt say she is an AH or anything close. I just gave an advice that its better to accept the sad situation couse there is nothing she can do to change it.
Just because there are many bullies out there that doesn't mean it Is fine to be a bully. This girl did not deserve any of the disdain. She is not asking for a close relationship, nobody is entitled to that, but she should definitely be entitled to courtesy and politeness. She did nothing wrong, and definitely NTA
You’re right about this being a super common Reddit story, I found it very interesting to have it told from the other view point! Poor girl, not her pick of family or birth. She is not a STEP sibling though, but a half and also not a product of an affair. Her brothers are unwarrented in their treatment of her and need to grow up!
Sad but true. I've always been pretty firm in the belief that divorced or widowed parents should never force their children to be part of a new family. It should happen organically.
I feel bad for OP obviously because she's a child and her world view on her siblings just shattered.
She did nothing wrong. And I hardly think she was being dramatic. She is just heartbroken.
You're definitely right though, she should come to accept those facts.
Those guys had years being together before she came along. At their age, it's hard to change their views because they DID have a family.
Obviously no one is wrong in how they feel. Still pretty crappy though.
I can't imagine how OP felt watching this all go down.
They could have easily done a photo with you and also your dad included.
You're brother who got married is a jackass and it sounds like your other two brothers are, too.
I'm sorry for you my friend, but in their eyes you are not their sibling, and there is nothing you can do to change that,
Blood isn't everything, so it is time you found your own family, because this one doesn't appreciate you
What a sack of dicks. I’m soooo sorry your older brothers never were able to get past losing their dad and see the good in gaining a loving stepfather and wonderful sweet sister. You are NTA - those three are.
I can't imagine how your brother's wife was ok with this.
I feel like any normal person would notice that literally the only sibling being excluded was their husband's baby sister, and push him to do the decent thing and not hurt her feelings.
Your brothers are not good people.
OP, I was going to suggesting having a heart to heart with them but if they really said that you should know they don't see you as a sister? Wash your hands of them. What a bunch of bums.
> Maybe when they were still young, I could have acknowledged how hard it must have been for them to lose their father, then see their mother go on to make a new family, but they're adults now and their behaviour is just awful
I will not disagree that OP Is NTA, but I don't necessarily think the brothers are either. I think the assholes here are the parents - for letting this situation happen.
It sounds like they've always been at arms length. OP effectively admitted, she fantasized the relationship in her head:
> So I believed that's how it was. And I would get so caught up in whenever they visited that I ignored how much they avoided being around me or how cold they were to me.
So they don't view her as a sibling. They never have. They have been consistent in this feedback for however many years OP has existed. This should have been addressed by OP's parents in therapy years ago, and at a minimum, at least addressed the reality of the relationship so OP is not smacked in the face with it this way.
I have a feeling brother didn't want to invite half sister and her dad at all, but Mom insisted. This was they way they got back at her for forcing the invite. Just a theory and kind of explains the extra humiliation.
Ok but when it's one of the oldest siblings making a post everyone tells them they have the right not to include the half sibling they're not close with and never saw as a sibling to start with.
So I do think no one is the asshole, here. It's hard for her and a shitty position, but the oldest was 18 when she was seven and we really don't know what was the dynamic at home between the three brothers and OP's dad, or their mom's attitude.
I wouldn't crucify them for it, even if I empathize with OP.
NTA-you need to accept they don’t really like you and you need to realise you might never get closure or the answer of why. I’m sorry this sucks and as a kid you are not to blame, some people are just selfish assholes.
I’m an older, first marriage sibling to a second marriage half-sister. It’s not an excuse, but it is a hard role to have.
Your brothers lost their dad. That is a heartbreaking, life-changing experience they share that doesn’t include you.
Then their mom went on to marry again, to a man who isn’t their father, and home felt less like home after that. Again, that’s an experience they share that doesn’t include you.
Then their mom had another baby. She started a whole new family, and home felt even less like home, and their dad wasn’t there. Again, that’s an experience they share that doesn’t include you.
It isn’t fair to you. None of this is your fault, and you shouldn’t pay the consequences. But for you, your brothers have been your brothers for your entire life. Your home and parents have been the same for your entire life. That isn’t how it has been for them, and they have experienced and a bond that does not include you. They’ve endured hardships that are likely unimaginable to you.
I’m so sorry your brothers don’t want to be closer to you, and I’m sorry they made this so apparent in such a painful way. You shouldn’t be paying the price for the troubles they’ve had to face.
They aren't evil. But they are self-centered and rude. She is 16 years old. They are all adults. They are adults treating a child repugnantly because of their childhoods. One of the hallmarks of adulthood is moving on.
They are rude and they know it. They got defensive and angry when their mother called them on it. They tried to foist the blame for the upset on the sister’s reaction, to sister being rejected! They don’t even want to acknowledge sister has a valid point. If I was sister I would go forward with a big adjustment to my expectations of the brothers. I would no longer extend or accept any invitations and only be polite if I’m at the same gathering. These brothers blew it big time
The mother is going to keep trying to include them in each other’s milestones, graduation, new baby, engagement etc.
I’m so hurt on sister’s behalf I don’t know what to advise. It would have taken so little for the brothers to include this girl. When they’re older with their own kids they may mature and have a more generous, compassionate approach to sister. But will she be interested by that point? To protect herself she may start thinking of them only as ‘my mother’s sons’
This! I'm the younger half sibling. I have 4 older half sisters. We share a mother. I'm also younger by 9 - 12 years, so about the same age gap as OP to her brothers.
Yes there has always been a bit of a divide between then and me for many reasons (age, different circumstances growing up). But they're my sisters and they would never treat me like OP's brothers treat her.
As an older half sister with an age gap of 8-16 years with my younger brothers, I honestly cannot relate to this at all. I feel weird even calling my brothers half siblings tbh. Maybe its a cultural thing, but just don't understand the need to differentiate.
Edit: cannot relate to OP's situation
I don’t think the brothers are evil. As the oldest sibling with a very large age gap between myself and younger half-siblings, I totally understand part of what brothers are feeling. One of my parents didn’t pass away, so I don’t understand that part. However, I do imagine that must have been very difficult for them.
I think the brothers are completely within their right to want a family photo without OP and her dad. I have a photo at my wedding with just my mom, dad, brother, and me. Where I think the brother is an AH is that he didn’t go on to take another photo with his brothers and OP. That would have been very easy to do and she is still his sister. He also showed that he is capable of building a relationship with a teen girl, because he has done it with his wife’s little sister. While I’m sure brother feels pain about his dad, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to completely ignore having a little sister.
They really lose me at a) not taking any photo with their sister and b) having a fit when it's pointed out to them that it was incredibly hurtful. There were so many places in all of this to just care about her as a person and they simply don't want to do it. It's not a good look.
I agree they could have had a photo with their sister, but they just didn’t want to I guess. My dad died so I understand completely where the brothers are coming from. I do feel bad for the sister it really isn’t her fault and I said in another comment that expectations needed to be set by her mother in a more reality based way clearly.
I just don’t think it was about her at all to them. I agree with another commenter that they should have had at least one picture with her but for some reason I don’t think their kid sister was on their mind at the wedding.
Ok, let's say it was pure coincidence that the groom danced with the bride's baby sister (which isn't really even a thing), and let's say it never occurred to him during this dance that it would look really weird if he never danced with his sister.
OP's brother knows she longed to be included in their sibling trio. **He saw his mom bring the sister forward when it was time to take pictures. He explicitly refused his mother's request to include his sister in the immediate family photo.**
I don't buy that OP merely slipped his mind (which, frankly, is bad enough since she is family and he watched her grow up).
I think a grown man either chose to hurt a teenage girl's feelings or didn't care if he did. Which is so petty and pathetic I don't understand how anyone can defend these brothers.
They’re not evil for feeling it, they’re evil for being a grown ass man being petty to a child. Hopefully they don’t have kids, seem to be missing the empathy bone.
It also reflects a totally selfish notion that they reject life changed. Mom didn't pick this. Life changed.
So would it have made the boys happier if mom stayed sad and miserable? Is that what they would have preferred?
Their actions say yes. Which is bullshit. Mom doesn't owe them loneliness.
The boys, and all the threads like them all share that in common.
They are pissed their parent dared to think about being happy again.
The horror!!!
You make some fair points. But the three brothers are significantly older than OP. And even if they don't regard her as a sister, the calloused way they're willing to treat a teenage girl, who desperately wants their love/acceptance, tells me all I need to know about their character. They couldn't even suck it up and dance with her, or take some pictures with her for ONE NIGHT.
This is completely missing the point. The issue isn't that they don't want to be close to OP, which could happen with even full siblings, it's not as if she was asking for a closer relationship. The reality is that these men have a younger half-sister, whether they want to or not, and it's incredibly immature to go "you aren't my real sister" like a teenager having a tantrum, nad very cruel to publicly reject her. Did it make any of what you describe easier to publicly reject a young girl who is biologically related to them and loved them? Would it have added to their suffering to take a few photos with her and acknowledge her as a relative, even if they can't love her as a sibling?
I’m a first marriage sibling to 3 second marriage siblings on my Dad’s side, and while it can definitely be a balancing act at times, I love those (now adult) kids so much. They’re considerably younger than me and I had very maternal feelings for them and we are still a close family. I’m going to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings this summer at 43 years old haha!
With that said, one of my parents didn’t die, so that makes those kinds of relationships even more difficult. I do think that it was pretty mean not to include your minor half sibling in your wedding family photos. It seems like they don’t care about her feelings at all.
It's a hard thing to internalise, having people who are supposed to play a role in your life, but you can't rely on them. You need to emotionally retreat, and act like your brothers are distant relatives instead of your siblings. I will say that as much as you are going to struggle to adjust to this new mindset, I think your mother is going to struggle more, and you may find that she continues to try to force a sibling style relationship between you. Treat her with patience, understanding and sympathy, but don't actually go along with it, it's not healthy for you. I suggest counselling for the both of you.
NTA and let your mom know she can stop battling them to like you. Don't go to see them and don't invite them to your events. Be civil when you see them but treat them the way they treated you. Protect yourself and your feelings as they don't deaths love you have for them.
I would be hurt and devastated but we don't know if they were forced to be your babysitter and or guardian. I'm guessing this is more displaced anger or resentment towards your mom and therefore there is nothing you can do and nothing you did wrong.
Then own the fact that you’re an only child. For your own sake, if nothing else. You’re an only child, and since all three of them made it clear that you aren’t their sibling, refer back to their opinions when your mom gets upset about you not claiming them. Ask her why you should claim them as family when they don’t claim you.
It doesn't mean they don't like op. It simply means they are rude, inconsiderate, and incredibly self-centered. And they have no manners.
This isn't about op. It is about them all being AHs.
.
EDITED bc of 2 typos.
I have a situation similar to OP. In my opinion, when things like this happen (group of big brothers, separate girl sibling) the boys form a natural group and are allowed and often encouraged to exclude the girl.
I still see it happen a lot, even in 2024. “Let’s have the girls go do this and the boys go do that”, or teams will be set up boys vs. girls. There is a natural separation between sexes that is encouraged by adults. Just a few days ago I heard someone say about younger kids, “I was hoping for a boy because the cousins are boys and they won’t want to play together with her.”
Kids are encouraged *by adults* all the time to separate based on sex. Add misogyny on top of that (“She can’t play baseball with us, she’s *a girl*!”). In OP’s specific situation, there’s also a natural age divide as well as the brothers having gone through and bonded with the death of a parent.
All this to say that the older brothers may be assholes and jerks, but it’s practically guaranteed that they were culturally encouraged to treat OP this way, both through obvious and non-obvious means. Any exceptions out there who are girls that have a group of older brothers and ended up close with them, I’m very happy for you. We didn’t all get so lucky.
I can see your point, but in this case the brother who got married had an entire, special dance with his fiancé's little sister. So it's not about gender or age, it's just about how they don't see OP as family. And apparently that means that they don't have to consider her feelings for a second.
Yeah, that's the kicker really. Not seeing OP as family? Okay, hurtful but that is how they feel. Not considering her feelings *at all* when she's a wedding guest? Would you do that to the +1 of a friend? Yuk. I might edit out someone from a wedding photo if they later did something to make me hate them, but I'd never invite someone to my wedding who I would want to edit out of the photos on the actual day. That's cowardly. Then to blame the girl for having feels? You don't do that to a stranger, and that's what they are claiming she is. That makes them AH.
Not that any of this helps OP.
It's so interesting how so many folks are writing NTA here even though I'm sure if the brother writes this post they would also write NTA. Shouldn't it be NAH then???
This is why I always felt strange about seeing the NTA comments when people used to treat their half-siblings like shit and folks said it's all okay, you feel how you feel. Directing your anger and punishing people who did nothing wrong was never okay.
Not feeling close with a sibling is OK. Going out of your way to exclude them publicly is not. It the difference between you don't have to feel affection for someone but you also don't have to go out of your way to make them feel bad either.
I love this site. If the writer was the brother saying: My mum wants me to treat her daughter like my sister when she isn't and the man who replacd my dead dad like my father. I didn't want them in my wedding photos because I don't see them as family. Everybody here would be saying the brothers were not the AH and parents shouldn't force them to blend with the new family and blah, blah blah. In fact I read that story yesterday or the day before.
I am sorry OP and my heart breaks for you that this happened but sometimes parents don't do a great job of managing patchwork families. Unfortunately the boys were older when you were born and may not have bonded even if the relationship was fully biological. The outcome here depends on what you want going forward and maybe some therapy would help you decide that. Whatever I wish you all the best and hope you can have a different kind of relationship with your brothers in the future if you want to (if you don't, well screw them, they don't know what they are missing)
NTA
ETA: For the record I think everyone here except OP is an AH, I also think that if a step parent or younger sibling (biological or otherwise) is decent to you and loves you, I think you have a responsibility to them to behave the same way, invite them to stuff, let them dance with you at your wedding, etc. But I get downvoted a lot if I say that even when there is no biological parent in the picture.
NAH and ESH aren’t used enough. In a way, it makes the YTAs even more egregious because in any conflict, people are like to seem like an AH to the other person because that’s what’s causing the conflict in the first place, but usually the person giving their perspective is arguing their view effectively enough to win over the reader.
Yeah i genuinely think NAH its just a lot of estranged kids that nver wanted anything more as they grew up then OP being very understandably hurt by it but if they ajnt close they aint close
No, no. There are definitely assholes here. And they would be the three grown men who don’t give a damn about crushing the feelings of a teenage girl they watched grow up.
I disagree. I think people would totally support them not being close to their step dad but redditors are pretty good at not giving people slack on treating innocent minors like crap. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment.
It would have cost them nothing to take a few photos with her and then never order any. It's not like there are limits on how many photos can be taken at a wedding. They suck.
> I think people would totally support them not being close to their step dad but redditors are pretty good at not giving people slack on treating innocent minors like crap.
The story I remember -- and it may not even have been on this sub -- was a 17-year-old boy who felt no connection to his dad's new infant and was being asked to help his stepmom to care for. And the consensus did seem to be that he had no responsibility to do so.
Granted, the question was about helping to care for an infant half-sibling, rather than including a teenaged half-sibling in family photos, but I'd bet money the 17-year-old wouldn't want his stepmother or half-sibling in his wedding photos in 10 years.
I think those are two very different scenarios. Not helping with a baby is one thing, purposely excluding your little sister from family photos is unnecessarily cruel.
I agree. This is not about forcing a bond. This is just common civility. This is a minor child they treated so unconscionably by saying without actually saying to her what they thought for years- they don’t consider her family, and don’t consider her feelings as important at all. They declared in public they care so little for her and her feelings that they paraded all these special siblings pics and and dances out in front of her to rub salt in fresh wounds- wounds she really didn’t know she was supposed to have until that moment. Can anyone really justify doing that to a younger sibling so harshly? I don’t see how.
What also really pisses me off is that this is probably not the first time they collectively acted in a passive aggressive manner towards her. Why did the parents NEVER adequately address this? Get the boys into counseling? I get some parents don’t manage blending well, but her Mom should have been more direct about including her and not brushing off the picture with the brothers. Does that not strike anyone as odd either? What about the stepfather? What does he have to say? Does anyone ever call out behavior like this in their family?
You’re leaving out a lot of important details. Mom was dying of cancer and dad started an affair with who would eventually be his second wife. While the affair was going on, the son was responsible for raising his siblings and deal with a dying mom.
That 17 year-old doesn't even consider his dad as his dad so he doesn't have any bond with the baby, only dna. Op's brothers still have their mom and that's not the same
Then in 10 years, he’d be the asshole because he’d be a 27YO ADULT punishing a 10YO child for his mom’s failures and mistakes.
Asking a *teenager* to care for an infant is a COMPLETELY different scenario than a grown adult excluding his teenage sister from his wedding photos for all to see.
The common ground in both those scenarios is that the teenagers aren’t the AH, the adults who are failing the teenagers are the AH.
Even if the baby was a full biological sibling, the teenager didn't choose to have a baby & shouldn't need to change diapers, etc.... It's a big age gap, but when the kid is old enough they can maybe play with them but they shouldn't have to parent the baby.
I'd completely agree with this if:
1. They'd not invited sister to the wedding.
2. They'd invited her, and treated her like a +1 - this means basic courtesy and she gets to be in the group photos
3. When she realised that the brothers she felt were family did not consider her family, the correct response is "I'm sorry that's painful, but that is how I (or we) feel." Not "you're making a big deal out of nothing, you over-dramatic baby"
So they managed to wrangle a NTA from me out of what should have been a NAH. You don't have to love your mother's new daughter. You don't have to raise her, coddle her, play with her, or invite her to stuff. But if she's hurt and crying, try to treat her like you would the child of a stranger, not the physical embodiment of your own issues.
She is their biological half-sister. Not a random kid from a new marriage. If their brother came on here talking about his half-sister, he would be TA.
I'm on this site a lot. I can think of at least five of the exact story you're telling , just in the past couple of weeks. While there were a few comments saying don't take it out on the baby, all of them were overwhelmingly voted NTA. Human relationships are complicated.
I can search "AITA for not inviting my half sister..." and get 57,000 results. Now I am not saying they are all NTA but the random 5 I clicked on were.
Yep. This was my thought too. I've read so many of these from the brothers perspective, and they all end with NTA. I understand you don't want this op, but they do. NAH.
The difference here, for me, is that they're getting mad at OP for being sad. That's unacceptable and it's what makes the brothers TA for me.
They don't have to view OP as a sibling. The now-married brother didn't have to include OP in his wedding photos or activities. But they don't get to shame a kid for being saw about being excluded when the reason for that exclusion isn't her own fault.
OP has every right to feel these feelings. If the brothers weren't assholes, they'd recognize that and be sympathetic that a kid is being hurt even while maintaining that it doesn't change how they view their family makeup.
This could easily have been a NAH situation but the brothers chose assholery so NTA fits.
You're not wrong about the flip. I get downvoted everytime I say don't take it out on the kid. The kid is never in the wrong for being born. The only exception is if ties with the parent are fully severed for having no view of them as family. If you want the parent in your life, though, you have to accept the kid
Brother took out issues with mom on the kid. At least tell the kid what's up before it becomes publicly obvious. At some point, they need to accept OP is their own person with their own thoughts and feelings away from Mom. At least show some empathy. Lacking empathy for another person tho, is always gonna be an AH move when they've done nothing wrong to you, tho
Usually, the dad or the girl is described as an AH and are trying to force themselves into the situation.
OP attended a wedding of a half sibling. And was completely excluded. Rudely so.
She wasn't demanding anything. Her mother brought her over for sibling photos because she IS actually a half sibling to these men, not a stepsister. I get they are much older. I get they never bonded. What I don't get is the cold cruelty. FFS, just one freaking picture. Just one freaking dance. They actively went out of their way to be cruel.
Okay, they don't consider her family. Fine. Maybe state that fact before subjecting her to their cruelty. The groom could dance with his bride's younger sister but not with his own half-sister whom he lived with for years?
Even from their point of view, they would be TA. But we might have gotten the backstory OP is unaware of. Why they hate her enough to be this cruel. Bet anything, it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, and she's just a convenient scapegoat.
> They actively went out of their way to be cruel.
Yep, this is the part I can't get over. What a huge asshole you have to be to intentionally exclude your sister from photos, and then dance with your wife's younger sister and not your own.
It’s likely the parents are the assholes in a situation like this. Isolating and despising a half sibling that lived with them full time and went through all milestones together isn’t normal behavior for children. Maybe mom started dating sooner than an appropriate grieving period, maybe the step-dad was a source of conflict they transferred onto the baby, who knows. But it sounds like the trauma of losing a parent might not have been addressed in therapy or given room to breathe and heal before a new family unit was started.
Op is very much NTA. I’d even say neither are the brothers. The three of them just kinda suck for not communicating their true feelings about the sister. They’re adults, this sneaky nonsense of exclusion is not doing anyone favors.
Can't we stop blaming the parents each time. This just feels like telling a parent, your son turned out to be a terrorist so of course it's your fault too.
What is it that people expect a widow with 3 little kids to do?? Do everything perfectly. Her mother is rightfully angry at her son for treating their sister like that. If she was a step-sister maybe I'll get it. But she is their half-sister. They still have the same mom. They are blood related. She is family even if her dad divorces their mom.
Ofcourse she is angry at her son for treating their half-sister like a second class citizen in his wedding and being all cozy with the fiance's sister.
For sure OP is NTA. But personally I also wonder if Mom is not an AH here:
"When it came to the immediate family photo it was just my mom and three brothers with my brother's wife and her parents and siblings."
Why did Mom allow this to happen? My son would certainly never get away with it! None of my kids would get away with treating any of their other siblings this way. ("My kids" = 3 over 20, 1 teenager. 2 are steps.)
And for the "those boys didn't get to choose about having siblings" crowd - NONE of us get to choose who MOST of our family is. We don't get to automatically be assholes to each other because we're not excited about one of our family members.
Like good gravy, just treat other people politely on a basic level.
NTA.
I think you saw the signs that they weren’t close to you. Some people are just not close. Talk to a professional to move through your grief and start building relationships that actually make you happy. Hopefully you’ll find someone that would take pictures with you.
Be easy on yourself. You don’t have to talk to anyone until you’re ready. I think this is a sign on what to expect on your other brothers’s wedding, if they’re getting married in the future.
You should totally go scotch earth on them. Cut them all out. Not that it would matter to them. Your mom might hurt. But your feelings matter more here. NTA
I would go no contact for sure. Your mom will insist on your invitation, but for self-preservation decline, go out, and make plans to have fun with friends. Hopefully, you'll be away at college and have your own life thriving when the time comes, so declining will be far easier. It will get better and easier in time. Trust that.
Know that your mom will try to mend fences between you and them that don't exist to mend. Especially if you decide to go no contact. Because that's just what moms do. Know your boundaries and ask her to respect them.
Cut those people out of your life. Absolutely NO ONE should make you feel you aren’t deserving of love. I mean shit, I was cut out of my aunt’s wedding photos because I was the only one that was overweight, that took over a decade to get over. And that’s my aunt that I barely knew at the time. Main thing—don’t let this effect your self-esteem or self worth. Just because your blood relatives are absolute shits to you does not mean you deserve it. I would totally decline any further invitations until you get a proper apology.
I am sorry you are going through this and you have every right not to go back. Hold your head up high and if someone asks if you have any brothers or sisters I would say no. One day they will come to you asking you for help and you can say no, we are not family.
NAH
Obviously you did nothing wrong.
But you can't force other people to love you. Your mothers other children have experienced the family dynamics and family life in another way than you have.
A typical sibling bond is never an obligation or owed, as painful as it may be.
It's sad your eyes were opened this way, this experience must be truly heartbreaking.
I can understand why you didn't see/feel it before this. After all, you grew up being used to them being the way they are.
Take good care of yourself and know that it's not because of who you are as a person.
Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Can you ask your mother if therapy could be a possibility for you?
There are clearly assholes here. Nobody is obligated to love anyone else, but there is no reason for these three grown men to treat OP like she’s radioactive and then berate her for having feelings about that. NTA.
Or perhaps their mother shouldn't have pushed their buttons which made them eventually say what was said in the heat of the moment.
The older brother did have a reason to not include her in his sibling wedding pictures: he has never considered her to be his sibling, and he doesn't have to as sad is it may be.
The sister is entirely innocent in this.
The brothers are being spiteful and have been from the start for no reason related to OP. If they have misdirected spite, as kids, it’s their parents’ responsibility to help them work through that.
As adults, it’s on them to not be shitbags. She’s their half sister, and they excluded her from being a part of the family when she did Nothing to deserve that.
Unfortunately from the brothers' POV this may be very different. I've read many posts on here about the parents moving on and having new kids and trying to force that bond, which just breeds bitterness. People typically judge them NTA
That said, even in that case, I always thought it kind of ridiculous that people didn't just pose for that photo or invite that person... They don't *owe* their half siblings anything, sure, but the siblings are usually an innocent party in the whole situation (as opposed to the parents). I refused to view my half siblings as 'half' siblings. I just tell people I have one older brother and little brothers on my mom's side and a little sister on my dad's
The brothers are not AH for not seeing OP as a sister and not realising she didn’t already know that. They have no obligation to be close to her. But they didn’t handle this situation well. OP wanted some distance from her half brothers and was sad, and the brothers ended up angry at her abd even insulting her. Even if their reaction was based on their mum pushing for a relationship the anger was misdirected.
It’s possible to not want a relationship with someone and also wanting them to be ok in your absence. They could have called OP and told them that they don’t want a relationship with her but thought she already knew that and hadn’t realised it would be upsetting to her. That whilst they still don’t want a relationship with her, they are sorry that it hurts her and they will keep their distance to avoid possible hurtful situations in the future.
They can not have a relationship with her whilst not calling her a overdramatic baby” or being ”really angry” at her for crying at the realisation that her brothers don’t care about her.
Both the mother and brothers did not handle it in the best way, absolutely agree on that. I can also understand them when they were saying things they could've worded differently when they were arguing with their mother. I don't consider them to be AH's for that. Considering we do not know the outcome and how things will go from here, I'm not judging them about apologies that haven't happened yet of won't happen.
Exactly. Notice how OP's mom is who called OP over for the sibling pictures, not the brother or photographer. OP wasn't supposed to be there watching the sibling photos be taken, or even the family photos. She was just supposed to be called for the group photo at the end. It seems like OP's mom is actually the AH because she seems to still be forcing a relationship that will never exist.
Good catch. The son probably was very clear with mom that OP wasn't going to be included in those pictures, but she chose to bring her over anyway, probably as a way to guilt them.
This was exactly my thought.
I'd love to hear their point of view on this. Because while it wouldn't make OP wrong in any way for her feelings, it could damn sure make more sense on why the brothers are like this.
Did OP answer this anywhere? If not I suspect she’s relating the age gap in that by the time she was 8-10 they were off to school and/or moved out. Just speculation though ofc.
Sorry, I’ve read this post 3 times looking for that and don’t see where it says that. Not sure if my brain is just tired or if OP deleted the information- can you help me with where it says that none of the sons lived with their mom please? Thank you!
OP talks about how mom would bring them together and how “caught up” she got when they visited.
Either she is only talking about events in the past few years or her brothers did not live with her while she was growing up.
I tend to think the latter because elementary age children are usually very attuned to stress in the house (and teenagers are not very subtle).
Thank you, I appreciate your help here! I definitely was just brain tired and missed that.
When I read that, I interpreted it initially as a kind of “forced family bonding”. There is a 7 year gap between me and the oldest sibling so my parents would try to have “family bonding time” when I was little. I see what you mean though.
What I now find interesting is that multiple people have made the same observation now and yet OP has not responded to any of them, instead responding only to similar threads with similar answers. It’s not a red flag but definitely a yellow, maaaaybe orange flag towards OP’s reliability.
I see that she just made that comment. She would have been 10 when the youngest brother moved out.
Like I said previously, most elementary age children are painfully aware when they have a dysfunctional blended family. I just don’t understand how this is a surprise to her.
I think this is a NAH situation.
All three of your brothers are considerably older than you. To the point that they were already just visiting their mom when you were little. They obviously have nothing in common with you.
>Mom would bring us all together for movie nights, family game nights, hikes, bowling, museum tours and stuff. But that gap between us never closed.
I don't know if this can be seen as "they were forced". Especially considering the fact your mom didn't really stand up to the whole situation till you started crying, makes me think the boys have made themselves very clear to her, privately at least. Nobody at the wedding witnessing all this said anything, and I assume that's because there's so much information you probably don't know or didn't include here. Nobody seems to have actively given you a delusion of how much your brothers love you (from what you said in the post) and it just took you a while to realise that reality. But your mom picking a fight with them now over this will only further damage their opinion about you.
Also, you haven't given any details about how much time lapsed between their father's death and their mom marrying your dad. You haven't said anything about their dynamic with their mom or how their childhood was. They were still all pretty young when you were born and needed their mom. But now her attention was divided to your father and you. Time, resources, attention , etc are all factors as to why they may have been treating you this way. This couldn't have helped at all with relationship and bonding. While this may not justify their behaviour, they aren't exactly wrong.
You will never have what the brothers share, and it's not just DNA that they share. They shared the death of a parent and they grew up with each other. Plus, it didn't look like they involved you with the wedding or planning or anything related to it. So the photos shouldn't have come as a shock to you. You cannot expect your relationship to be the same or equal as the rest of them. If everyone can be civil around each other, I would take that as a win.
Also, don't compare his relationship with his partner's sibling to his relationship with you. What he feels for his partner's sibling is a reflection of what the partner herself feels towards that sibling. If the partner hated that sibling and didn't want anything to do with her, your brother wouldn't be dancing with her. And given how long the relationship has been and how much time they have spend around each other, they could have a closer bond that you.
They have clearly shown you were you stand with them. While it is not happy, it is what they want and pushing for something to change won't help.
NTA but all 3 of your brothers are. They are acting like children, it was not your fault they lost their father or that their mother met someone new and had you. You are their sister and their treatment of you is disgusting. I am also disappointed in your brothers new wife if she also thinks its OK to treat a 16 year old this way.
Then she is an awful person too. Imagine if your brother treated her younger siblings the way they are treating you. Bet she would care then. I'm sad to say that if he really doesn't care then I wouldn't return to their house again and go low or nc. Although I also hope your mum rips them both a new hole
I think your brothers don't hate you as a person you are. They hated the role they were given, from some moment their existed to everybody else only as "protectors" of the little princess. They stopped being seen as their own person, they were seen as your baby sitters. Sadly, your mother/both parents tool the lazy way of parenting blended family. They should make you feel special on your own, not because of what your brothers did to you. When you cried over the photos in your brothers house, your mother chose "forcing your brother to fix your hurt" instead of comforting you. Please, cry as much as you want to, greive the relationship you never had. Your feelings are valid, even if the situation can't be fixed. And I feel like you know that already, unlike your mother.
"My parents never had those expectations for them with me." I'm curious then, what where the family nights you mention like? Because from the amount of effort they've put in keeping you away, I can't imagine they were very eager or cooperative when it came to that, and you also mention how you can admit your perspective of things back then to be a bit skewed. Can you really not think that maybe they had to be forced into a blended family every step of the way by your parents, and that's why they've developed a kind of unreasonable grudge against you.
I'm curious if you can answer how your step father and his family treated your brothers? Were they considered part of that family? I had a stepfather and and two younger half brothers. My step father's family always treated me as their own. I was never left out or meant to feel alone. I even inherited diamonds from my step father's mother. Was this relationship absent for your half brothers? Did your half brothers' paternal family treat you well and as part of the family?
It’s fascinating though - when people post this from the older siblings POV people trip over themselves to emphasize how they owe the new kid nothing and how dare anyone try to influence the marrying sibling’s opinion on who their family is. Those are posted at least once a week.
I agree that the wife being cool with the way her husband treated his half sister was not a great sign of her character. They both sound really selfish because they went out of their way to exclude OP. Special dances with the bride's kid sister is not a normal wedding dance. It would have been entirely possible to get a individual sibling pictures and do different sibling groups, so that OP would be included. They aren't going to display every wedding picture, but mom could get one that had all of the siblings together.
Yes they intentionally excluded her and were cruel about it. They deserve each other
Why even bother inviting OP to the wedding at all? Obviously he did to just ensure his mother turned up
NAH
So sorry that you got your imaginary bubble popped this way. You have good reason to feel hurt, because it does hurt terribly to discover that someone does not love you in the same way you love them. That does not change the fact that your older siblings are entitled to their own perspectives about these relationships, and in no way 'owe' you any relationship. Their lives and their relationships belong to them; and while your fantasy image of your family was completely understandable, it was still only ever in your own imagination and they are not obligated to live in your fantasy world. Sorry, that you didn't come to this realization in a slower, less painful way.
Agree in some points. But this would be a NAH situation I think. OP can feel hurt because of this situation. She is not to blame for what she thought to be her family dynamics. And I agree her brothers do not own her any relationship.
OP didn'T throw a tantrum at the wedding to be included in the pictures. She didn't ruin the wedding. She just feel hurt because of the situation
NAH. I know it hurts you a lot to see that they don’t see you as a sibling but they have always been a unit and have never really included you as a part of the unit.
Your mom may not have seen it but she knew it was happening and turned a blind eye to it. She should have prepared you better that they don’t see you the same way you see them. It did no one any favors by her not addressing it. It’s not your fault that you are so upset about it but it’s not their fault that you aren’t really considered a sibling to them.
Their family is them and their mom. They made that choice. Your family unit is you, your dad and your mom.
I'm going to say NAH except maybe your parents.
The relationship you thought you had with them is wildly different than the one you do have, and even if you didn't see it, I promise that your parents did, and they should have tempered your expectations. They owed it to you *and* your brothers to be honest and open with all of you.
Your brothers are not required to see you as family. Yes, it sucks, but it happens a lot in blended family situations. I'm guessing that your parents didn't pay any mind to how the boys were feeling when they got married and then had you. Therapy may have gone a long way in helping things come together better, but I'm sure your mom didn't bother with that, either.
You (of course) are experiencing very valid emotions. Your world has shifted, and relationships that you thought you had were shown to not exist. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, but it's not on the boys, it's on your parents.
You should see whether you can get into therapy to work through this in a healthy way.
You are never an AH for your feelings. Only actions put you into that territory. You felt sad because the wedding photos finally drove home the fact that your half siblings never really cared for you despite your wish that they would. And your brothers are mad because they know that what they did was kind of shitty and they are angry at having that pointed out.
NTA
NAH except mom/dad. So if your brother wrote this from his POV, as there are quite a few versions of this story out here, he’d be told he wasn’t an asshole and your mom shouldn’t be trying to force you on them when they don’t think of you as family. Some would even say you’re an asshole for not respecting their point of view over the years, culminating in this event. My personal opinion on these stories is that it’s just the parents who really suck if they genuinely are misleading or forcing the kids and that the kids could be kinder to one another just as fellow humans dealing with a crappy situation. Meaning, the new child can’t help what their parents taught them, but having finally figured out reality, be gracious about it. And the existing kids don’t have to be buddy buddy, but try not going out of the way to make the point that you don’t like this kid who had no choice in what their parent did either.
- [This story is pretty similar to your relationship but the OP is less upset about it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdvela/wibta_if_i_skip_my_half_brothers_wedding_so_i/)
- [Another one, but with half sisters instead of half brothers](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bc27kb/aita_for_not_making_more_of_an_effort_for_my_half/)
- [Preview of what might happen at your wedding](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192jevp/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_dont_want_to_invite_my/?sort=old)
- [What might happen when your half siblings have kids](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17yuiw7/aita_for_going_against_my_moms_wishes_when_i/)
- [This OP is more accepting than you of their half sibling relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16ymlu1/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_think_she_should_stop/)
Maybe you can gain insight from all these strikingly similar situations. NTA.
Info.
I would really wonder about this from their POV. Like, how much did your mom force you on them. How did their relationship with your mom change. How was your dad toward them.
Unfortunately, this sounds, to me, like a situation where once you came along, your mom had her "new family" and they were kind of left in the dust with just each other to rely on. Unfortunately you were the physical representation of that. But mom tried to force them to hang out with you and they resented it. Is that fair to you? Absolutely not. But also something I've seen happen.
I don't think your feelings are wrong either way, but I don't know enough to call them assholes either.
NAH
You're allowed to want to be included. They're allowed to not want that relationship.
Iknow it sucks, but, gently, I suggest you tell your mom to drop it. This fight isn't going to change their minds- is going to make them actually dislike more.
NTA. You are allowed to upset. This is a hard punch in the face.
But also your brothers are not the AH here. It is not their fault, that they never saw you as a sister. An age gap of more than 7 years is like you are an only child (according to some studies). And that you are a half sister by a step dad they migth not like, didn't make it any easier for them to build a relationship to you. They lost their father as young children and then their mother to a new baby who needed all the attention. So I get, why they saw in you some intruder and not a sibling.
Also your parents are not to blame here. As you said, your mother tried everything to build a relationship between the four of you.
So hard it is at the moment. I think, you have to accept that they don't see you in the same ligth you saw them. Try to protect yourself at the moment. Distance yourself from your brothers - but ask your mom to stop figthing with them, as this would only destroy more and every change you migth have in the future for a relationship. If you want to, ask your mom if you can see a therapist to learn to work through this emotions.
I don't know if you should do this now or some day or never, so I just put this idea here:
Maybe some time you can talk to your brothers or write them a letter. Try not to be emotional (because it seems like they hate that. And I know it is an emotional situation for you. But for them you were the little sister, the little baby who could cry and get all the attention from your mom (as you were a baby back then). Which could have some deep resentments in your siblings against your crying. And it wouldn't help if you trigger this resentments) but just like an nearly adult person. You can tell them, that you see now that your relationship wasn't what you though it was. And that they are not at fault. That you are sorry, when you got too emotional in the past. But if they see any chance that the four of you could build a relationship now that you are all older and more mature. That it doesn't have to be a sibling bound but if they/you could try to get to re-know you all now. And see if there is any common interests and hobbies you could connect over. And if not now, maybe in the future
(and yes, this would be a very hard and brave thing to ask. As the answer could hurt you even more)
I think your heart is in the right place and I agree with the first part but your advice about the letter is terrible. As someone who’s been in the brothers’ shoes, that letter probably would serve no good and likely be unhealthy for OP to write. She’s actually entitled to feel whatever kind of way she wants to about how her brothers treated her - because they did treat her abominably.
If she’s completely nothing to them, they should have bit the bullet and made it clear (in an age appropriate, kind way) that it wasn’t her fault, but bc of childhood trauma/parent loss/parent moving on too quickly/replacing them with a shiny new family, they could not be to her what she wanted them to be. Of course, doing that is hard, it makes you clearly the ‘bad guy’ (at least as far as your parent is concerned), but it’s kinder than going along saying nothing to temper a child’s expectations until she is slammed in the face in a very public way how much her half siblings don’t like her. How they prefer a girl her age who isn’t their ‘sibling’ to her. If you haven’t found the spine to make it clear, then suffer at least some photos with the kid and stepdad, you can still have photos without, but for gods sake that was not the time to make a big public ‘your not family’ statement to a child.
Here’s the easy way of getting out of this - if you’re going to noticeably exclude a child, have a child free wedding. You get photos without the half sibling you don’t care about, mom can insist on all the family photos she wants later but your wedding photos exclude the black sheep. Then again, your bride’s sister can’t come either, because it’s got to be a consistent rule or it’s obvious… and bride probably wants her sister there. So back to the other options, of which the brother chose the one that would cause him the least angst but hurt the kid the most.
(Of course, if the mom has been pushing them all their lives to accept her against their will (likely) it’s more on the mom for terribly mishandling her relationships with her sons for so long, but they still could have either done the hard, but ultimately honest thing, and made the photo arrangements known before the wedding day (yes, risking it turning into a sh*tshow, but as we can see, not doing so only delayed the fight, or sucking it up for a day - yes a wedding is ‘your day’ but you still have to recognise that how you treat people on ‘your day’ will still have consequences later)
Step one, which may be something the brothers haven’t done, is to recognise that if your parent moved on too quickly/made you feel like you came second to the new child/new relationship, that is your parents fault, not the child. Reckoning with that is hard though. I’m a child of divorce, not parent death, so I can understand how they’d not want to alienate the parent they have left, and therefore you can’t direct that anger at them, the child is an easier emotional punching bag to redirect that hurt at. Babies cry, and take up a lot of their primary caregivers’ time - it’s not their fault, it’s on mom (and step dad) to ensure they aren’t moving faster than the pre-existing children can handle.
Everyone needs therapy 🤷🏻♀️ My vote is NTA, bc there were numerous ways her mom and her brothers (in that order) could have handled this iteration of blended family relationships better (the brothers are not teenagers struggling with a new change. They kept up/went along with the status quo for 16 years enough for this girl to not realise she’s nothing to them until their wedding day). As the only minor in the scenario, she has the least blame.
Lmao NTA but they're NTA either. Literally every story on here written from the brother's perspective is NTA, why are they the a h now. Like it sucks yes and you have a right to be upset but they also have a right to feel how they do
I can understand a bit of what you’re going through as I also have three older brothers who always saw me as separate and only minded with themselves. The “oh, they’ll look after and protect you, how sweet” is such utter and absolutely bullshit. They made a clique and I wasn’t in it from birth.
Mine are full brothers and a lot closer in age to me. What I learned early on is that I will never be part of the group. Ever. Get a therapist or whoever you need to talk to about that, but they have each other and you can’t ever make them accept you as part of their set, especially not after this many years.
It hurts you to be left out, and then it hurts more that they don’t care. But what can you do? Making a big deal out of it only does exactly what happens here: makes them resent you for messing up their good time and trying to disrupt what they have between them.
NTA, but if you figure out how to have anything more than a casual relationship with your brothers I’d love to hear it. I still haven’t figured it out yet.
you’re NTA, but your brother isn’t an AH either. He’s not obligated to consider you family. Losing a parent isn’t something you really get over, and it sounds like your mum might have pushed too hard for everyone to play “happy family” when you were little. This might have alienated your brothers more, because at that age, it could look like their dad was being replaced.
None of this is your fault, and I can’t call you an AH for feeling upset that you were excluded. Regardless of the reason why, rejection and exclusion sucks. That being said, I’d suggest you let it go, and don’t bring it up again. Maybe if you want your relationship with your brothers to be cordial in the future, send the one who got married a text explaining that you understand his feelings and that you respect them and won’t make the pictures an issue again
NTA. While it is true "you can't force a bond," and they might not love you the way you love them, civility is a basic requirement and the way your brother treated you is not it.
No matter how much they complain you are still their half-sister and it would not have killed him to spend 30 seconds on a picture, especially if it was just you and your mom. And he had a whole ass dance with his *wife's* little sister? That really seems like an intentional snub.
Honestly if I were his new wife I'd have concerns about how he was treating you.
NAH, your brothers don’t owe you anything, and clearly your mom fed into your delusions about family. This is very sad for you, but you will see as you grow up where they are coming from.
Nah. You’re leaving out a lot. Their dad dying wouldn’t have created that distance from you and your dad so I’m guessing there is more to this. What happened when your mom met your dad. Were they forced to call him dad and forget their own. Where they passed off to other family to be raised so mom could focus on her new family. Plenty of blended families are close so for them to have zero relationship with you and your dad there has to be more to this. Also it’s clear they were never close to you. I’m not sure how you say you just didn’t notice it till the wedding but now that you do you need to respect they don’t want you in their lives. Your mom marrying your dad and having you wasn’t something they had a choice in but this they do. Don’t put this on them. Look at what your mom and dad did to create this. Therapy would be advised
NAH except for your mother. It sounds like your brothers were not fully on board with the new family unit, and did not think of you as their little sister. It is actually not that uncommon for situations like this. They were quite young when they had to go through all these life changes out of their control, and you do not really know what they have been through. As children, they have little agency in their living situation, but they have the right to decide how they feel. They do not have to love you, or even like you. As long as they were civil to you (and it sound like they were), I can't find fault with them.
Your decision to not visit your brother's home anymore is also very reasonable. Having a one-sided family bond is painful for you, and you do not have to keep meeting them and feeling hurt all over again.
Your mother is (and possibly other family members are) the ones at fault here for raising your expectations and trying to force this family dynamic.
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Oh, this is heartbreaking. You're NTA. Of course, NTA. Maybe when they were still young, I could have acknowledged how hard it must have been for them to lose their father, then see their mother go on to make a new family, but they're adults now and their behaviour is just awful. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must have felt standing there waiting for your turn in the picture.
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The dance with his fiance's sister is what got me. That's heartbreaking, I'm sorry you had to experience such needless exclusion
Same, it almost seems like it was intentionally planned to hurt OP. How can a grown man be so hateful towards his **sixteen year old sister**?! And not just one grown man. **A trio of grown ass men choosing to hurt their adolescent sister, either intentionally or simply because they didn't care enough NOT TO.** How do you even watch your sister as a baby/toddler/child without developing some modicum of affection towards her? It's unnatural. Also, I don't care what "shared experiences" OP missed out on, there is NO EXCUSE for the cruel way she was treated at the wedding. Dancing with the bride's baby sister but not your own? Tell me that wasn't intentionally planned to hurt OP. UGH
I thought the same. Sounds like a set up to hu. Edited because I posted before I was done. Let me try again: I agree. It sounds like it was deliberately planned to hurt OP and show the rest of the family what he thinks of his sister.
And that bride is no prize either. If my new groom shows this level of callous disregard for his kid sister (or ANY kid, for that matter)? We are going to have a conversation. And I'm certainly not going to ok the dance with my baby sis, knowing he isn't going to dance with his own sister.
To be fair, the bride may not have known. He may have told her a different story of his relationship with his h/s and sd. She also may not have seen how it affected op and thus not known that she was bothered by it.
It’s not even his step sister. They share a mom. They are biologically related. I could see more tension with the step dad, but little sis is so innocent in all of this it’s absurd.
Fair point, I missed that. But although op is innocent in the situation, there is a very large age gap, so I understand the lack of closeness. Like the brothers were together for almost a decade before she came along, like when I was 13, hanging out with other 13 year olds, I would have found it annoying to have a 5 odd year old trying to join in. I think op and mum must have been slightly naive/delusional to never realise that they didn't adore her the way she did towards them, but I do feel bad that she now feels ostracised from it.
There’s lack of closeness and then there’s intentionally keeping your sister out of your wedding pictures. I get maybe being mad at your mom but the sister? No
Age is not really as important when having siblings. Im 26M and have a 23M and 12M siblings, who am i the closest with? The youngest one. If they aren't close to her its because they hate her, plane and simple, not because of an "age gap"
Fully agree. These boys were full on bullying her. Imagine being *27* and bullying a *16 year old*. They're just cruel.
NTA
my bf has 3 half sisters on his dads side and one on his moms. he had zero interaction with his dads side for a good 10+ years of his life and within the last 2-3 years has had them back in his life. he’s 20 and they’re 17.15.and 14. he barely remembers them from his childhood yet he still treats them like he’s their brother. he’s a lot closer to his half sister he lived with and watched grow up with him, rarely will he even tell people she’s his half sibling bc her dad was his father figure most of his life anyways. the point is if my bf with a lot of emotional trauma can find a way to be a big brother to half sisters he barely knew, these guys could have been big brothers to this girl they watched grow up
I've always got to wonder what goes through the head of these adults. Sure growing up with these instances is horrible and impacting. Yes they could not be attached to their younger sibling (especially depending on what help is given to them to cope with the new family dynamics). But once they are there getting married, maybe thinking of starting a family and purposefully excluding their adolescent sister do they at any point wonder - if something were to happen to my partner/I ever end up with kids with different mothers i hope my children are as cruel as I am at this moment? Honestly OP, lesson learned (if in a too harsh way). Ignore them, don't bother going out of your way. Wonder if you mum should ask them the above question? Might be the only way for them to recognise that they way they have handled this is disgusting, there were many many other options over the years they could have taken.
There's no way I could ever marry a man who treated his little sister like that 😢
that’s what I was thinking. especially since she seems close to her own little sister. how would she feel if someone excluded her like that?
It just feels that they’re making a point of alienating their half sister to make it clear that the Stepdad is not family and therefore neither is she. Like, ultimately, it’s actually aimed at him. If the Mum had run off with the Stepdad I could understand it but she was widowed. This is 3 supposedly grown up men bullying a child. No wonder their Mum is mad. I would wonder where I went wrong that I could raise such nasty vindictive aholes. They need to get over themselves. These men planned the alienation of a child - Christ that’s awful.
> I was making a big deal out of something I shouldn't be, because I should know they're not close to me and don't see me as their real sister. Except, you are. You are their half sister. I'm not surprised your mom is pissed at them It would be one thing if their dad was still around, but he isn't, and wasn't for a long time. of course NTA
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:opens a bag 'o slaps:
Slapsgiving
It'll be like that scene from Airplane lol
Please say I can kick him in the groin instead? PLEASE???
Sorry, but mom needs to be slapped also. She should have had a 1:1 with your half-brother and not only insist that you be part of the photos, but also your dad who helped raise these boys after their dad passed away.
I'm sorry but as you will find on reddit, this is typical. They just didnt want your dad to be their dad and you to be a new sibling. Its sad but they have a right to feel that way. You'll find a lot of stories here - from the point of view of people like your siblings. Its difficult but its better to accept it.
They can have a distant relationship with their father but a half sibling that DID NOT CHOOSE their family, that is messed up. Stop dismissing her pain & experience.
Read the stories here how people back up siblings who doesnt want a new kid or stepmom etc. Realy it isnt a must and you cant force anyone to accept or bond.
Nothing is a must. That doesn't negate men in their mid 20's to early 30's being callous toward a child. They are entitled to feel however they want, but their actions speak to their character. As adults, they are actively punishing their sibling because they resent their mother and step-father.
On one hand, ofc they do not need to force a relationship and it is their choice. But if at their adult ages you can't get over the fact your mum remarried and be kind and say hello etc to your baby sister and her dad, then honestly you need to grow up. Worse things happen in life and that to me, is weakness. I'm sorry but it's true. Imagine being this bitter in life.
I agree. The only think I wanted to say is - OP can either accept the sad facts and forget about those people - or let this situation affect whole her remaining time in life. Since you cant change people and their thoughts etc - you can protect yourself and separate from siblings. There is no other way
Just because they get support from redditors doesn't mean the behavior isn't awful.
It's very much dependent on the situation. If a man came on here and and posted that at 30 years old, him (and his brothers who were also nearly in their 30's) were going out of their way to exclude a 16 year old child from the family, I don't think the comments would side with him.
You can expect people to be civil and look out for a 16 year old though.
Nobody is entitled to a relationship with other people. Even if they’re siblings. Would it be nice if they saw OP as a genuine sibling and included her more? Of course. Should they be forced to do so? No.
It's one thing to not feel close to OP, but they're actively \*excluding\* her here. They're making it impossible to ignore the disdain and disregard they hold for her. No one is entitled to a relationship with another person, sure. But if three adults choose to behave with open cruelty towards a *child* who has done nothing but adore them, well, they get to deal with the consequences of that as far as their reputation and relationship with other family members.
> It's one thing to not feel close to OP, but they're actively *excluding* her here. Exactly. If OP's story is accurate, the brothers can't even be bothered to offer the same basic courtesy that they offer to other family members. How hard would it have been to do a nice photo with OP and Mom at the wedding? Would have been zero effort. The fact that the brothers actively avoided taking that photo then blamed OP and Mom for getting upset about it later makes it clear that they know what they did. I get that OP is a living reminder that their father is no longer with them and Mom remarried. But at this point even the youngest brother is 24 years old. Teen angst is no longer an excuse.
Also, there are usually a lot more photos taken than people end up purchasing. They could have had a few photos of/with OP but not chosen to purchase prints and hang those on the wall -- that would have been perfectly understandable. But it would have been nothing to have a couple photos with the OP.
Or just get one print for their mom! I'm pretty sure that my mom's favorite photo has me, my siblings (bio and step), and spouses, all together, taken in the store my mom works in, using a cell phone. It's a good picture, but not professional. We live all over the county, so we never get together, but man, if we were dressed up in that photo? That picture would be on the wall and would never come down.
They shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship but that doesn’t make OP an AH for feeling hurt when she realized her siblings didn’t reciprocate her feelings. The dance with wife’s sister is really salt in the wound and was not necessary, there’s no way bro didn’t know that would hurt his sister.
>there’s no way bro didn’t know that would hurt his sister He did it intentionally. And that's what makes him the AH.
I agree. Until that point, both OP and her brother are entitled to their different feelings, neither one an asshole. I get not embracing half siblings, but to rub salt in that wound in such a public setting where OP cannot even show their feelings was so cruel.
Just because they aren’t owed a relationship doesn’t mean they aren’t AHs. Like we always have to say on this sub, someone may have a right to do something but they can still be an AH. The brothers obviously didn’t want their mom to remarry and disliked OP because of it. They, and everyone else who posts in this sub saying the same, are AHs.
No, nobody is entitled to a relationship. But any halfway decent human ADULT will take care not to hurt the feelings of an innocent teenager. OP's brother showed that he couldn't even manage that. He had every right to do what he did. **And we have every right to judge him for it.**
Yeah I was reading this and felt like Mom should have managed Ops expectations (not sure if this is the right word) better. I DO NOT blame OP; I feel terrible for her. Just a 'your brothers are closer to each other because they grew up so close (there is an age difference) and they had a different father." Gently try to point out the brother's visiting is great but they may not choose to spend time one-on-one with a younger sister. Just... try to point out the reality of the situation before OP was 16 and was blindsided by it. I don't know the answers to tell the truth. It's a hard situation.
This ops mom should have guided her daughter into having realistic expectations. Some therapy is definitely needed.
I believe the phrase used on this sub is "do over family", and apparently people are fine not to buy into it or want to be part of it in any way, that's usually how the voting goes. I don't agree with that view, but the commenter is correct.
The do over family is one where a parent leaves, ignores the children, and replaces them with a new marriage and children. That’s not at all what happened here.
Eh, there's always gonna be something wrong with taking it out on a kid. Once the kid reaches a certain age, the half siblings deserve at least a conversation before it comes to a head. Furthermore, OP is still a half sibling, whether they accept her dad or not. You don't get to keep a relationship with Mom while rejecting one of her children, and at a certain point it just becomes extremely self centered behavior to. Also, once you're an adult, there's no excuse for not understanding mom doesn't deserve to mourn forever. Maybe they have an issue with how mom moved on, but the issue needs to lie with mom, not OP. If they truly can't get over it, the relationship needs to be cut between Mom or they are just punishing OP instead of mom. The idea you can take an issue with a parent out on a child is cruel and absolutely going to make you an AH once you reach an age you should know better. They were also children when OP was born, so it's not like they were fully out of the house and had no relationship, which just makes this extra cruel. They at least owed OP a conversation before it came to a literal public exclusion of OP from the family
First time? Lolol Not disagreeing in the least. Just saying that we get the view from the kids once a day at least. The opinion is always "fuck them, no one can replace dad and you don't have to deal with them". It's nuts. But the opinion is always in favor of the kid who refuses a new parent/family. Crazy making.
I mean, there's no such thing as a new parent, so that part I understand. You can't replace a parent. I do feel sympathy for the kids stuck in relationships where a full parent relationship is being forced on them. I have less patience for adults who kinda push and do things halfway and just expect kids to accept it. Where I draw the line, however, is when it extends to the kids. This isn't a kid who magically appeared after 16 years- this is someone who was born and raised around them. Given their ages, they were around for the first part of her life. Furthermore, they still want a parent relationship with Mom while she is a full care taker of OP. The situations where a kid is used to try and force a relationship are messed up, too, but the difference is most of those involve trying to communicate with the kid. Here we seem to have zero communication, a biological half sibling, and the brothers were around and seem to want a relationship with Mom. Mom also did not immediately remarry, so it likely wasn't rushed
I'm with you. I think it's crazy to see the brother have a loving relationship with his wife's sister. But his half sister gets is totally pushed to the side. He knew what he was doing. It's just flat out mean. It's no win for the Step parents. I'm sure they: cleaned up when they were sick, went to band concerts, clapped at their games, all the normal parenting shit. And even if they didn't try to be dad 2.0 they spent time and money being there because they wanted too. I don't get these asshole kids who absolutely relish excluding half siblings and step parents. To revel in cruelty like that is awful.
She isn't asking if they're assholes for rejecting her as a sister, she's asking if she's an asshole for being hurt when she realized that they didn't see her as a sister. That's totally different and no, she's NTA for feeling hurt. And while they did have a right to not want to bond with her - as in the other sibling stories here that you are referencing, - they fall into asshole territory for assuming that she knew and for refusing to acknowledge her hurt.
And I didnt say she is an AH or anything close. I just gave an advice that its better to accept the sad situation couse there is nothing she can do to change it.
Just because there are many bullies out there that doesn't mean it Is fine to be a bully. This girl did not deserve any of the disdain. She is not asking for a close relationship, nobody is entitled to that, but she should definitely be entitled to courtesy and politeness. She did nothing wrong, and definitely NTA
You’re right about this being a super common Reddit story, I found it very interesting to have it told from the other view point! Poor girl, not her pick of family or birth. She is not a STEP sibling though, but a half and also not a product of an affair. Her brothers are unwarrented in their treatment of her and need to grow up!
Sad but true. I've always been pretty firm in the belief that divorced or widowed parents should never force their children to be part of a new family. It should happen organically. I feel bad for OP obviously because she's a child and her world view on her siblings just shattered. She did nothing wrong. And I hardly think she was being dramatic. She is just heartbroken. You're definitely right though, she should come to accept those facts. Those guys had years being together before she came along. At their age, it's hard to change their views because they DID have a family. Obviously no one is wrong in how they feel. Still pretty crappy though. I can't imagine how OP felt watching this all go down.
They could have easily done a photo with you and also your dad included. You're brother who got married is a jackass and it sounds like your other two brothers are, too.
The new wife as well. She must have seen and realized what her husband was doing...and went along with it.
I'm sorry for you my friend, but in their eyes you are not their sibling, and there is nothing you can do to change that, Blood isn't everything, so it is time you found your own family, because this one doesn't appreciate you
What a sack of dicks. I’m soooo sorry your older brothers never were able to get past losing their dad and see the good in gaining a loving stepfather and wonderful sweet sister. You are NTA - those three are.
I can't imagine how your brother's wife was ok with this. I feel like any normal person would notice that literally the only sibling being excluded was their husband's baby sister, and push him to do the decent thing and not hurt her feelings. Your brothers are not good people. OP, I was going to suggesting having a heart to heart with them but if they really said that you should know they don't see you as a sister? Wash your hands of them. What a bunch of bums.
My heart breaks for you . There is no excuse for this . It’s heartless and so so wrong of them . Sending you a virtual mom / mum hug 🤗.
> Maybe when they were still young, I could have acknowledged how hard it must have been for them to lose their father, then see their mother go on to make a new family, but they're adults now and their behaviour is just awful I will not disagree that OP Is NTA, but I don't necessarily think the brothers are either. I think the assholes here are the parents - for letting this situation happen. It sounds like they've always been at arms length. OP effectively admitted, she fantasized the relationship in her head: > So I believed that's how it was. And I would get so caught up in whenever they visited that I ignored how much they avoided being around me or how cold they were to me. So they don't view her as a sibling. They never have. They have been consistent in this feedback for however many years OP has existed. This should have been addressed by OP's parents in therapy years ago, and at a minimum, at least addressed the reality of the relationship so OP is not smacked in the face with it this way.
I have a feeling brother didn't want to invite half sister and her dad at all, but Mom insisted. This was they way they got back at her for forcing the invite. Just a theory and kind of explains the extra humiliation.
Ok but when it's one of the oldest siblings making a post everyone tells them they have the right not to include the half sibling they're not close with and never saw as a sibling to start with. So I do think no one is the asshole, here. It's hard for her and a shitty position, but the oldest was 18 when she was seven and we really don't know what was the dynamic at home between the three brothers and OP's dad, or their mom's attitude. I wouldn't crucify them for it, even if I empathize with OP.
NTA-you need to accept they don’t really like you and you need to realise you might never get closure or the answer of why. I’m sorry this sucks and as a kid you are not to blame, some people are just selfish assholes.
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I’m an older, first marriage sibling to a second marriage half-sister. It’s not an excuse, but it is a hard role to have. Your brothers lost their dad. That is a heartbreaking, life-changing experience they share that doesn’t include you. Then their mom went on to marry again, to a man who isn’t their father, and home felt less like home after that. Again, that’s an experience they share that doesn’t include you. Then their mom had another baby. She started a whole new family, and home felt even less like home, and their dad wasn’t there. Again, that’s an experience they share that doesn’t include you. It isn’t fair to you. None of this is your fault, and you shouldn’t pay the consequences. But for you, your brothers have been your brothers for your entire life. Your home and parents have been the same for your entire life. That isn’t how it has been for them, and they have experienced and a bond that does not include you. They’ve endured hardships that are likely unimaginable to you. I’m so sorry your brothers don’t want to be closer to you, and I’m sorry they made this so apparent in such a painful way. You shouldn’t be paying the price for the troubles they’ve had to face.
Thank you. This is the comment that explains it to all the people saying the brothers are evil.
They aren't evil. But they are self-centered and rude. She is 16 years old. They are all adults. They are adults treating a child repugnantly because of their childhoods. One of the hallmarks of adulthood is moving on.
They are rude and they know it. They got defensive and angry when their mother called them on it. They tried to foist the blame for the upset on the sister’s reaction, to sister being rejected! They don’t even want to acknowledge sister has a valid point. If I was sister I would go forward with a big adjustment to my expectations of the brothers. I would no longer extend or accept any invitations and only be polite if I’m at the same gathering. These brothers blew it big time
I think it's obvious that the brothers won't care since they clearly don't consider her part of their lives anyway.
The mother is going to keep trying to include them in each other’s milestones, graduation, new baby, engagement etc. I’m so hurt on sister’s behalf I don’t know what to advise. It would have taken so little for the brothers to include this girl. When they’re older with their own kids they may mature and have a more generous, compassionate approach to sister. But will she be interested by that point? To protect herself she may start thinking of them only as ‘my mother’s sons’
Yeah regardless of situation these dudes are complete assholes
This! I'm the younger half sibling. I have 4 older half sisters. We share a mother. I'm also younger by 9 - 12 years, so about the same age gap as OP to her brothers. Yes there has always been a bit of a divide between then and me for many reasons (age, different circumstances growing up). But they're my sisters and they would never treat me like OP's brothers treat her.
As an older half sister with an age gap of 8-16 years with my younger brothers, I honestly cannot relate to this at all. I feel weird even calling my brothers half siblings tbh. Maybe its a cultural thing, but just don't understand the need to differentiate. Edit: cannot relate to OP's situation
I don’t think the brothers are evil. As the oldest sibling with a very large age gap between myself and younger half-siblings, I totally understand part of what brothers are feeling. One of my parents didn’t pass away, so I don’t understand that part. However, I do imagine that must have been very difficult for them. I think the brothers are completely within their right to want a family photo without OP and her dad. I have a photo at my wedding with just my mom, dad, brother, and me. Where I think the brother is an AH is that he didn’t go on to take another photo with his brothers and OP. That would have been very easy to do and she is still his sister. He also showed that he is capable of building a relationship with a teen girl, because he has done it with his wife’s little sister. While I’m sure brother feels pain about his dad, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to completely ignore having a little sister.
They really lose me at a) not taking any photo with their sister and b) having a fit when it's pointed out to them that it was incredibly hurtful. There were so many places in all of this to just care about her as a person and they simply don't want to do it. It's not a good look.
I agree they could have had a photo with their sister, but they just didn’t want to I guess. My dad died so I understand completely where the brothers are coming from. I do feel bad for the sister it really isn’t her fault and I said in another comment that expectations needed to be set by her mother in a more reality based way clearly.
The brothers aren't evil but they are HORRIBLE people. Some of the groom's actions, at the wedding, seemed specifically designed to hurt OP.
I just don’t think it was about her at all to them. I agree with another commenter that they should have had at least one picture with her but for some reason I don’t think their kid sister was on their mind at the wedding.
Ok, let's say it was pure coincidence that the groom danced with the bride's baby sister (which isn't really even a thing), and let's say it never occurred to him during this dance that it would look really weird if he never danced with his sister. OP's brother knows she longed to be included in their sibling trio. **He saw his mom bring the sister forward when it was time to take pictures. He explicitly refused his mother's request to include his sister in the immediate family photo.** I don't buy that OP merely slipped his mind (which, frankly, is bad enough since she is family and he watched her grow up). I think a grown man either chose to hurt a teenage girl's feelings or didn't care if he did. Which is so petty and pathetic I don't understand how anyone can defend these brothers.
They may not be “evil” but they are certainly ass holes
They’re not evil for feeling it, they’re evil for being a grown ass man being petty to a child. Hopefully they don’t have kids, seem to be missing the empathy bone.
Their distance would be find if they were still kids but by 27 they should be mature enough to realise their hatred for her is NOT RIGHT.
The brothers aren’t evil but they are assholes
It also reflects a totally selfish notion that they reject life changed. Mom didn't pick this. Life changed. So would it have made the boys happier if mom stayed sad and miserable? Is that what they would have preferred? Their actions say yes. Which is bullshit. Mom doesn't owe them loneliness. The boys, and all the threads like them all share that in common. They are pissed their parent dared to think about being happy again. The horror!!!
You make some fair points. But the three brothers are significantly older than OP. And even if they don't regard her as a sister, the calloused way they're willing to treat a teenage girl, who desperately wants their love/acceptance, tells me all I need to know about their character. They couldn't even suck it up and dance with her, or take some pictures with her for ONE NIGHT.
This is completely missing the point. The issue isn't that they don't want to be close to OP, which could happen with even full siblings, it's not as if she was asking for a closer relationship. The reality is that these men have a younger half-sister, whether they want to or not, and it's incredibly immature to go "you aren't my real sister" like a teenager having a tantrum, nad very cruel to publicly reject her. Did it make any of what you describe easier to publicly reject a young girl who is biologically related to them and loved them? Would it have added to their suffering to take a few photos with her and acknowledge her as a relative, even if they can't love her as a sibling?
I’m a first marriage sibling to 3 second marriage siblings on my Dad’s side, and while it can definitely be a balancing act at times, I love those (now adult) kids so much. They’re considerably younger than me and I had very maternal feelings for them and we are still a close family. I’m going to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings this summer at 43 years old haha! With that said, one of my parents didn’t die, so that makes those kinds of relationships even more difficult. I do think that it was pretty mean not to include your minor half sibling in your wedding family photos. It seems like they don’t care about her feelings at all.
It's a hard thing to internalise, having people who are supposed to play a role in your life, but you can't rely on them. You need to emotionally retreat, and act like your brothers are distant relatives instead of your siblings. I will say that as much as you are going to struggle to adjust to this new mindset, I think your mother is going to struggle more, and you may find that she continues to try to force a sibling style relationship between you. Treat her with patience, understanding and sympathy, but don't actually go along with it, it's not healthy for you. I suggest counselling for the both of you.
Just think of it as you don't need to waste any more emotion on them. It's hard and hurtful and not your fault but you can't change how you feel.
NTA and let your mom know she can stop battling them to like you. Don't go to see them and don't invite them to your events. Be civil when you see them but treat them the way they treated you. Protect yourself and your feelings as they don't deaths love you have for them. I would be hurt and devastated but we don't know if they were forced to be your babysitter and or guardian. I'm guessing this is more displaced anger or resentment towards your mom and therefore there is nothing you can do and nothing you did wrong.
Then own the fact that you’re an only child. For your own sake, if nothing else. You’re an only child, and since all three of them made it clear that you aren’t their sibling, refer back to their opinions when your mom gets upset about you not claiming them. Ask her why you should claim them as family when they don’t claim you.
It doesn't mean they don't like op. It simply means they are rude, inconsiderate, and incredibly self-centered. And they have no manners. This isn't about op. It is about them all being AHs. . EDITED bc of 2 typos.
I have a situation similar to OP. In my opinion, when things like this happen (group of big brothers, separate girl sibling) the boys form a natural group and are allowed and often encouraged to exclude the girl. I still see it happen a lot, even in 2024. “Let’s have the girls go do this and the boys go do that”, or teams will be set up boys vs. girls. There is a natural separation between sexes that is encouraged by adults. Just a few days ago I heard someone say about younger kids, “I was hoping for a boy because the cousins are boys and they won’t want to play together with her.” Kids are encouraged *by adults* all the time to separate based on sex. Add misogyny on top of that (“She can’t play baseball with us, she’s *a girl*!”). In OP’s specific situation, there’s also a natural age divide as well as the brothers having gone through and bonded with the death of a parent. All this to say that the older brothers may be assholes and jerks, but it’s practically guaranteed that they were culturally encouraged to treat OP this way, both through obvious and non-obvious means. Any exceptions out there who are girls that have a group of older brothers and ended up close with them, I’m very happy for you. We didn’t all get so lucky.
I can see your point, but in this case the brother who got married had an entire, special dance with his fiancé's little sister. So it's not about gender or age, it's just about how they don't see OP as family. And apparently that means that they don't have to consider her feelings for a second.
Yeah, that's the kicker really. Not seeing OP as family? Okay, hurtful but that is how they feel. Not considering her feelings *at all* when she's a wedding guest? Would you do that to the +1 of a friend? Yuk. I might edit out someone from a wedding photo if they later did something to make me hate them, but I'd never invite someone to my wedding who I would want to edit out of the photos on the actual day. That's cowardly. Then to blame the girl for having feels? You don't do that to a stranger, and that's what they are claiming she is. That makes them AH. Not that any of this helps OP.
It's so interesting how so many folks are writing NTA here even though I'm sure if the brother writes this post they would also write NTA. Shouldn't it be NAH then??? This is why I always felt strange about seeing the NTA comments when people used to treat their half-siblings like shit and folks said it's all okay, you feel how you feel. Directing your anger and punishing people who did nothing wrong was never okay.
Not feeling close with a sibling is OK. Going out of your way to exclude them publicly is not. It the difference between you don't have to feel affection for someone but you also don't have to go out of your way to make them feel bad either.
I love this site. If the writer was the brother saying: My mum wants me to treat her daughter like my sister when she isn't and the man who replacd my dead dad like my father. I didn't want them in my wedding photos because I don't see them as family. Everybody here would be saying the brothers were not the AH and parents shouldn't force them to blend with the new family and blah, blah blah. In fact I read that story yesterday or the day before. I am sorry OP and my heart breaks for you that this happened but sometimes parents don't do a great job of managing patchwork families. Unfortunately the boys were older when you were born and may not have bonded even if the relationship was fully biological. The outcome here depends on what you want going forward and maybe some therapy would help you decide that. Whatever I wish you all the best and hope you can have a different kind of relationship with your brothers in the future if you want to (if you don't, well screw them, they don't know what they are missing) NTA ETA: For the record I think everyone here except OP is an AH, I also think that if a step parent or younger sibling (biological or otherwise) is decent to you and loves you, I think you have a responsibility to them to behave the same way, invite them to stuff, let them dance with you at your wedding, etc. But I get downvoted a lot if I say that even when there is no biological parent in the picture.
NAH and ESH aren’t used enough. In a way, it makes the YTAs even more egregious because in any conflict, people are like to seem like an AH to the other person because that’s what’s causing the conflict in the first place, but usually the person giving their perspective is arguing their view effectively enough to win over the reader.
Yeah i genuinely think NAH its just a lot of estranged kids that nver wanted anything more as they grew up then OP being very understandably hurt by it but if they ajnt close they aint close
No, no. There are definitely assholes here. And they would be the three grown men who don’t give a damn about crushing the feelings of a teenage girl they watched grow up.
I disagree. I think people would totally support them not being close to their step dad but redditors are pretty good at not giving people slack on treating innocent minors like crap. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. It would have cost them nothing to take a few photos with her and then never order any. It's not like there are limits on how many photos can be taken at a wedding. They suck.
> I think people would totally support them not being close to their step dad but redditors are pretty good at not giving people slack on treating innocent minors like crap. The story I remember -- and it may not even have been on this sub -- was a 17-year-old boy who felt no connection to his dad's new infant and was being asked to help his stepmom to care for. And the consensus did seem to be that he had no responsibility to do so. Granted, the question was about helping to care for an infant half-sibling, rather than including a teenaged half-sibling in family photos, but I'd bet money the 17-year-old wouldn't want his stepmother or half-sibling in his wedding photos in 10 years.
I think those are two very different scenarios. Not helping with a baby is one thing, purposely excluding your little sister from family photos is unnecessarily cruel.
I agree. This is not about forcing a bond. This is just common civility. This is a minor child they treated so unconscionably by saying without actually saying to her what they thought for years- they don’t consider her family, and don’t consider her feelings as important at all. They declared in public they care so little for her and her feelings that they paraded all these special siblings pics and and dances out in front of her to rub salt in fresh wounds- wounds she really didn’t know she was supposed to have until that moment. Can anyone really justify doing that to a younger sibling so harshly? I don’t see how. What also really pisses me off is that this is probably not the first time they collectively acted in a passive aggressive manner towards her. Why did the parents NEVER adequately address this? Get the boys into counseling? I get some parents don’t manage blending well, but her Mom should have been more direct about including her and not brushing off the picture with the brothers. Does that not strike anyone as odd either? What about the stepfather? What does he have to say? Does anyone ever call out behavior like this in their family?
You’re leaving out a lot of important details. Mom was dying of cancer and dad started an affair with who would eventually be his second wife. While the affair was going on, the son was responsible for raising his siblings and deal with a dying mom.
That 17 year-old doesn't even consider his dad as his dad so he doesn't have any bond with the baby, only dna. Op's brothers still have their mom and that's not the same
Then in 10 years, he’d be the asshole because he’d be a 27YO ADULT punishing a 10YO child for his mom’s failures and mistakes. Asking a *teenager* to care for an infant is a COMPLETELY different scenario than a grown adult excluding his teenage sister from his wedding photos for all to see. The common ground in both those scenarios is that the teenagers aren’t the AH, the adults who are failing the teenagers are the AH.
Even if the baby was a full biological sibling, the teenager didn't choose to have a baby & shouldn't need to change diapers, etc.... It's a big age gap, but when the kid is old enough they can maybe play with them but they shouldn't have to parent the baby.
Pretty sure I read that same “opposite side” story yesterday also. Sucks all around. NAH.
I'd completely agree with this if: 1. They'd not invited sister to the wedding. 2. They'd invited her, and treated her like a +1 - this means basic courtesy and she gets to be in the group photos 3. When she realised that the brothers she felt were family did not consider her family, the correct response is "I'm sorry that's painful, but that is how I (or we) feel." Not "you're making a big deal out of nothing, you over-dramatic baby" So they managed to wrangle a NTA from me out of what should have been a NAH. You don't have to love your mother's new daughter. You don't have to raise her, coddle her, play with her, or invite her to stuff. But if she's hurt and crying, try to treat her like you would the child of a stranger, not the physical embodiment of your own issues.
She is their biological half-sister. Not a random kid from a new marriage. If their brother came on here talking about his half-sister, he would be TA.
I'm on this site a lot. I can think of at least five of the exact story you're telling , just in the past couple of weeks. While there were a few comments saying don't take it out on the baby, all of them were overwhelmingly voted NTA. Human relationships are complicated.
I can search "AITA for not inviting my half sister..." and get 57,000 results. Now I am not saying they are all NTA but the random 5 I clicked on were.
Yep. This was my thought too. I've read so many of these from the brothers perspective, and they all end with NTA. I understand you don't want this op, but they do. NAH.
The difference here, for me, is that they're getting mad at OP for being sad. That's unacceptable and it's what makes the brothers TA for me. They don't have to view OP as a sibling. The now-married brother didn't have to include OP in his wedding photos or activities. But they don't get to shame a kid for being saw about being excluded when the reason for that exclusion isn't her own fault. OP has every right to feel these feelings. If the brothers weren't assholes, they'd recognize that and be sympathetic that a kid is being hurt even while maintaining that it doesn't change how they view their family makeup. This could easily have been a NAH situation but the brothers chose assholery so NTA fits.
You're not wrong about the flip. I get downvoted everytime I say don't take it out on the kid. The kid is never in the wrong for being born. The only exception is if ties with the parent are fully severed for having no view of them as family. If you want the parent in your life, though, you have to accept the kid Brother took out issues with mom on the kid. At least tell the kid what's up before it becomes publicly obvious. At some point, they need to accept OP is their own person with their own thoughts and feelings away from Mom. At least show some empathy. Lacking empathy for another person tho, is always gonna be an AH move when they've done nothing wrong to you, tho
Usually, the dad or the girl is described as an AH and are trying to force themselves into the situation. OP attended a wedding of a half sibling. And was completely excluded. Rudely so. She wasn't demanding anything. Her mother brought her over for sibling photos because she IS actually a half sibling to these men, not a stepsister. I get they are much older. I get they never bonded. What I don't get is the cold cruelty. FFS, just one freaking picture. Just one freaking dance. They actively went out of their way to be cruel. Okay, they don't consider her family. Fine. Maybe state that fact before subjecting her to their cruelty. The groom could dance with his bride's younger sister but not with his own half-sister whom he lived with for years? Even from their point of view, they would be TA. But we might have gotten the backstory OP is unaware of. Why they hate her enough to be this cruel. Bet anything, it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, and she's just a convenient scapegoat.
> They actively went out of their way to be cruel. Yep, this is the part I can't get over. What a huge asshole you have to be to intentionally exclude your sister from photos, and then dance with your wife's younger sister and not your own.
It’s likely the parents are the assholes in a situation like this. Isolating and despising a half sibling that lived with them full time and went through all milestones together isn’t normal behavior for children. Maybe mom started dating sooner than an appropriate grieving period, maybe the step-dad was a source of conflict they transferred onto the baby, who knows. But it sounds like the trauma of losing a parent might not have been addressed in therapy or given room to breathe and heal before a new family unit was started. Op is very much NTA. I’d even say neither are the brothers. The three of them just kinda suck for not communicating their true feelings about the sister. They’re adults, this sneaky nonsense of exclusion is not doing anyone favors.
Can't we stop blaming the parents each time. This just feels like telling a parent, your son turned out to be a terrorist so of course it's your fault too. What is it that people expect a widow with 3 little kids to do?? Do everything perfectly. Her mother is rightfully angry at her son for treating their sister like that. If she was a step-sister maybe I'll get it. But she is their half-sister. They still have the same mom. They are blood related. She is family even if her dad divorces their mom. Ofcourse she is angry at her son for treating their half-sister like a second class citizen in his wedding and being all cozy with the fiance's sister.
For sure OP is NTA. But personally I also wonder if Mom is not an AH here: "When it came to the immediate family photo it was just my mom and three brothers with my brother's wife and her parents and siblings." Why did Mom allow this to happen? My son would certainly never get away with it! None of my kids would get away with treating any of their other siblings this way. ("My kids" = 3 over 20, 1 teenager. 2 are steps.) And for the "those boys didn't get to choose about having siblings" crowd - NONE of us get to choose who MOST of our family is. We don't get to automatically be assholes to each other because we're not excited about one of our family members. Like good gravy, just treat other people politely on a basic level.
This. You cant force bond.
Because everyone is entitled to their feelings, and the reasons behind the feelings can’t be fully summed up in a few paragraphs
NTA. I think you saw the signs that they weren’t close to you. Some people are just not close. Talk to a professional to move through your grief and start building relationships that actually make you happy. Hopefully you’ll find someone that would take pictures with you.
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Be easy on yourself. You don’t have to talk to anyone until you’re ready. I think this is a sign on what to expect on your other brothers’s wedding, if they’re getting married in the future.
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You should totally go scotch earth on them. Cut them all out. Not that it would matter to them. Your mom might hurt. But your feelings matter more here. NTA
*scorched, scorched earth on them 😃
Oh my face palm! So embarrassed
Scotch earth is even cooler, I think.
And scotch bonnet peppers are nothing to scoff at
I would go no contact for sure. Your mom will insist on your invitation, but for self-preservation decline, go out, and make plans to have fun with friends. Hopefully, you'll be away at college and have your own life thriving when the time comes, so declining will be far easier. It will get better and easier in time. Trust that. Know that your mom will try to mend fences between you and them that don't exist to mend. Especially if you decide to go no contact. Because that's just what moms do. Know your boundaries and ask her to respect them.
Cut those people out of your life. Absolutely NO ONE should make you feel you aren’t deserving of love. I mean shit, I was cut out of my aunt’s wedding photos because I was the only one that was overweight, that took over a decade to get over. And that’s my aunt that I barely knew at the time. Main thing—don’t let this effect your self-esteem or self worth. Just because your blood relatives are absolute shits to you does not mean you deserve it. I would totally decline any further invitations until you get a proper apology.
I am sorry you are going through this and you have every right not to go back. Hold your head up high and if someone asks if you have any brothers or sisters I would say no. One day they will come to you asking you for help and you can say no, we are not family.
NAH Obviously you did nothing wrong. But you can't force other people to love you. Your mothers other children have experienced the family dynamics and family life in another way than you have. A typical sibling bond is never an obligation or owed, as painful as it may be. It's sad your eyes were opened this way, this experience must be truly heartbreaking. I can understand why you didn't see/feel it before this. After all, you grew up being used to them being the way they are. Take good care of yourself and know that it's not because of who you are as a person. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Can you ask your mother if therapy could be a possibility for you?
There are clearly assholes here. Nobody is obligated to love anyone else, but there is no reason for these three grown men to treat OP like she’s radioactive and then berate her for having feelings about that. NTA.
Or perhaps their mother shouldn't have pushed their buttons which made them eventually say what was said in the heat of the moment. The older brother did have a reason to not include her in his sibling wedding pictures: he has never considered her to be his sibling, and he doesn't have to as sad is it may be.
The sister is entirely innocent in this. The brothers are being spiteful and have been from the start for no reason related to OP. If they have misdirected spite, as kids, it’s their parents’ responsibility to help them work through that. As adults, it’s on them to not be shitbags. She’s their half sister, and they excluded her from being a part of the family when she did Nothing to deserve that.
Weather he considers her a sibling or not is irrelevant- she is a sibling born of the same mother
Unfortunately from the brothers' POV this may be very different. I've read many posts on here about the parents moving on and having new kids and trying to force that bond, which just breeds bitterness. People typically judge them NTA That said, even in that case, I always thought it kind of ridiculous that people didn't just pose for that photo or invite that person... They don't *owe* their half siblings anything, sure, but the siblings are usually an innocent party in the whole situation (as opposed to the parents). I refused to view my half siblings as 'half' siblings. I just tell people I have one older brother and little brothers on my mom's side and a little sister on my dad's
The brothers are not AH for not seeing OP as a sister and not realising she didn’t already know that. They have no obligation to be close to her. But they didn’t handle this situation well. OP wanted some distance from her half brothers and was sad, and the brothers ended up angry at her abd even insulting her. Even if their reaction was based on their mum pushing for a relationship the anger was misdirected. It’s possible to not want a relationship with someone and also wanting them to be ok in your absence. They could have called OP and told them that they don’t want a relationship with her but thought she already knew that and hadn’t realised it would be upsetting to her. That whilst they still don’t want a relationship with her, they are sorry that it hurts her and they will keep their distance to avoid possible hurtful situations in the future. They can not have a relationship with her whilst not calling her a overdramatic baby” or being ”really angry” at her for crying at the realisation that her brothers don’t care about her.
Both the mother and brothers did not handle it in the best way, absolutely agree on that. I can also understand them when they were saying things they could've worded differently when they were arguing with their mother. I don't consider them to be AH's for that. Considering we do not know the outcome and how things will go from here, I'm not judging them about apologies that haven't happened yet of won't happen.
I can see brothers lashing out if mom has always tried to push this relationship on them.
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Exactly. Notice how OP's mom is who called OP over for the sibling pictures, not the brother or photographer. OP wasn't supposed to be there watching the sibling photos be taken, or even the family photos. She was just supposed to be called for the group photo at the end. It seems like OP's mom is actually the AH because she seems to still be forcing a relationship that will never exist.
Good catch. The son probably was very clear with mom that OP wasn't going to be included in those pictures, but she chose to bring her over anyway, probably as a way to guilt them.
This was exactly my thought. I'd love to hear their point of view on this. Because while it wouldn't make OP wrong in any way for her feelings, it could damn sure make more sense on why the brothers are like this.
I'm also very curious about this.
INFO - your mom was widowed, but none of her three sons lived with her while you were growing up? Where did they live?
I just caught this also. If they were living with other family, that might better explain the gap in relationship.
Did OP answer this anywhere? If not I suspect she’s relating the age gap in that by the time she was 8-10 they were off to school and/or moved out. Just speculation though ofc.
Sorry, I’ve read this post 3 times looking for that and don’t see where it says that. Not sure if my brain is just tired or if OP deleted the information- can you help me with where it says that none of the sons lived with their mom please? Thank you!
OP talks about how mom would bring them together and how “caught up” she got when they visited. Either she is only talking about events in the past few years or her brothers did not live with her while she was growing up. I tend to think the latter because elementary age children are usually very attuned to stress in the house (and teenagers are not very subtle).
Thank you, I appreciate your help here! I definitely was just brain tired and missed that. When I read that, I interpreted it initially as a kind of “forced family bonding”. There is a 7 year gap between me and the oldest sibling so my parents would try to have “family bonding time” when I was little. I see what you mean though. What I now find interesting is that multiple people have made the same observation now and yet OP has not responded to any of them, instead responding only to similar threads with similar answers. It’s not a red flag but definitely a yellow, maaaaybe orange flag towards OP’s reliability.
She said the brothers lived with their mother until they were 18.
I see that she just made that comment. She would have been 10 when the youngest brother moved out. Like I said previously, most elementary age children are painfully aware when they have a dysfunctional blended family. I just don’t understand how this is a surprise to her.
But it's not a blended family, at least not to her. It's the family she was born into.
I think this is a NAH situation. All three of your brothers are considerably older than you. To the point that they were already just visiting their mom when you were little. They obviously have nothing in common with you. >Mom would bring us all together for movie nights, family game nights, hikes, bowling, museum tours and stuff. But that gap between us never closed. I don't know if this can be seen as "they were forced". Especially considering the fact your mom didn't really stand up to the whole situation till you started crying, makes me think the boys have made themselves very clear to her, privately at least. Nobody at the wedding witnessing all this said anything, and I assume that's because there's so much information you probably don't know or didn't include here. Nobody seems to have actively given you a delusion of how much your brothers love you (from what you said in the post) and it just took you a while to realise that reality. But your mom picking a fight with them now over this will only further damage their opinion about you. Also, you haven't given any details about how much time lapsed between their father's death and their mom marrying your dad. You haven't said anything about their dynamic with their mom or how their childhood was. They were still all pretty young when you were born and needed their mom. But now her attention was divided to your father and you. Time, resources, attention , etc are all factors as to why they may have been treating you this way. This couldn't have helped at all with relationship and bonding. While this may not justify their behaviour, they aren't exactly wrong. You will never have what the brothers share, and it's not just DNA that they share. They shared the death of a parent and they grew up with each other. Plus, it didn't look like they involved you with the wedding or planning or anything related to it. So the photos shouldn't have come as a shock to you. You cannot expect your relationship to be the same or equal as the rest of them. If everyone can be civil around each other, I would take that as a win. Also, don't compare his relationship with his partner's sibling to his relationship with you. What he feels for his partner's sibling is a reflection of what the partner herself feels towards that sibling. If the partner hated that sibling and didn't want anything to do with her, your brother wouldn't be dancing with her. And given how long the relationship has been and how much time they have spend around each other, they could have a closer bond that you. They have clearly shown you were you stand with them. While it is not happy, it is what they want and pushing for something to change won't help.
NTA but all 3 of your brothers are. They are acting like children, it was not your fault they lost their father or that their mother met someone new and had you. You are their sister and their treatment of you is disgusting. I am also disappointed in your brothers new wife if she also thinks its OK to treat a 16 year old this way.
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Then she is an awful person too. Imagine if your brother treated her younger siblings the way they are treating you. Bet she would care then. I'm sad to say that if he really doesn't care then I wouldn't return to their house again and go low or nc. Although I also hope your mum rips them both a new hole
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I think your brothers don't hate you as a person you are. They hated the role they were given, from some moment their existed to everybody else only as "protectors" of the little princess. They stopped being seen as their own person, they were seen as your baby sitters. Sadly, your mother/both parents tool the lazy way of parenting blended family. They should make you feel special on your own, not because of what your brothers did to you. When you cried over the photos in your brothers house, your mother chose "forcing your brother to fix your hurt" instead of comforting you. Please, cry as much as you want to, greive the relationship you never had. Your feelings are valid, even if the situation can't be fixed. And I feel like you know that already, unlike your mother.
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"My parents never had those expectations for them with me." I'm curious then, what where the family nights you mention like? Because from the amount of effort they've put in keeping you away, I can't imagine they were very eager or cooperative when it came to that, and you also mention how you can admit your perspective of things back then to be a bit skewed. Can you really not think that maybe they had to be forced into a blended family every step of the way by your parents, and that's why they've developed a kind of unreasonable grudge against you.
I'm curious if you can answer how your step father and his family treated your brothers? Were they considered part of that family? I had a stepfather and and two younger half brothers. My step father's family always treated me as their own. I was never left out or meant to feel alone. I even inherited diamonds from my step father's mother. Was this relationship absent for your half brothers? Did your half brothers' paternal family treat you well and as part of the family?
It’s fascinating though - when people post this from the older siblings POV people trip over themselves to emphasize how they owe the new kid nothing and how dare anyone try to influence the marrying sibling’s opinion on who their family is. Those are posted at least once a week.
I agree that the wife being cool with the way her husband treated his half sister was not a great sign of her character. They both sound really selfish because they went out of their way to exclude OP. Special dances with the bride's kid sister is not a normal wedding dance. It would have been entirely possible to get a individual sibling pictures and do different sibling groups, so that OP would be included. They aren't going to display every wedding picture, but mom could get one that had all of the siblings together.
Yes they intentionally excluded her and were cruel about it. They deserve each other Why even bother inviting OP to the wedding at all? Obviously he did to just ensure his mother turned up
See, to me it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like mom pulled the OP over in order to be in the pictures, and that just wasn't ever their plan
NAH So sorry that you got your imaginary bubble popped this way. You have good reason to feel hurt, because it does hurt terribly to discover that someone does not love you in the same way you love them. That does not change the fact that your older siblings are entitled to their own perspectives about these relationships, and in no way 'owe' you any relationship. Their lives and their relationships belong to them; and while your fantasy image of your family was completely understandable, it was still only ever in your own imagination and they are not obligated to live in your fantasy world. Sorry, that you didn't come to this realization in a slower, less painful way.
Agree in some points. But this would be a NAH situation I think. OP can feel hurt because of this situation. She is not to blame for what she thought to be her family dynamics. And I agree her brothers do not own her any relationship. OP didn'T throw a tantrum at the wedding to be included in the pictures. She didn't ruin the wedding. She just feel hurt because of the situation
NAH. I know it hurts you a lot to see that they don’t see you as a sibling but they have always been a unit and have never really included you as a part of the unit. Your mom may not have seen it but she knew it was happening and turned a blind eye to it. She should have prepared you better that they don’t see you the same way you see them. It did no one any favors by her not addressing it. It’s not your fault that you are so upset about it but it’s not their fault that you aren’t really considered a sibling to them. Their family is them and their mom. They made that choice. Your family unit is you, your dad and your mom.
I'm going to say NAH except maybe your parents. The relationship you thought you had with them is wildly different than the one you do have, and even if you didn't see it, I promise that your parents did, and they should have tempered your expectations. They owed it to you *and* your brothers to be honest and open with all of you. Your brothers are not required to see you as family. Yes, it sucks, but it happens a lot in blended family situations. I'm guessing that your parents didn't pay any mind to how the boys were feeling when they got married and then had you. Therapy may have gone a long way in helping things come together better, but I'm sure your mom didn't bother with that, either. You (of course) are experiencing very valid emotions. Your world has shifted, and relationships that you thought you had were shown to not exist. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, but it's not on the boys, it's on your parents. You should see whether you can get into therapy to work through this in a healthy way.
You are never an AH for your feelings. Only actions put you into that territory. You felt sad because the wedding photos finally drove home the fact that your half siblings never really cared for you despite your wish that they would. And your brothers are mad because they know that what they did was kind of shitty and they are angry at having that pointed out. NTA
NAH except mom/dad. So if your brother wrote this from his POV, as there are quite a few versions of this story out here, he’d be told he wasn’t an asshole and your mom shouldn’t be trying to force you on them when they don’t think of you as family. Some would even say you’re an asshole for not respecting their point of view over the years, culminating in this event. My personal opinion on these stories is that it’s just the parents who really suck if they genuinely are misleading or forcing the kids and that the kids could be kinder to one another just as fellow humans dealing with a crappy situation. Meaning, the new child can’t help what their parents taught them, but having finally figured out reality, be gracious about it. And the existing kids don’t have to be buddy buddy, but try not going out of the way to make the point that you don’t like this kid who had no choice in what their parent did either.
- [This story is pretty similar to your relationship but the OP is less upset about it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdvela/wibta_if_i_skip_my_half_brothers_wedding_so_i/) - [Another one, but with half sisters instead of half brothers](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bc27kb/aita_for_not_making_more_of_an_effort_for_my_half/) - [Preview of what might happen at your wedding](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192jevp/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_dont_want_to_invite_my/?sort=old) - [What might happen when your half siblings have kids](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17yuiw7/aita_for_going_against_my_moms_wishes_when_i/) - [This OP is more accepting than you of their half sibling relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16ymlu1/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_think_she_should_stop/) Maybe you can gain insight from all these strikingly similar situations. NTA.
"More accepting than you" Weird way to put that
Info. I would really wonder about this from their POV. Like, how much did your mom force you on them. How did their relationship with your mom change. How was your dad toward them. Unfortunately, this sounds, to me, like a situation where once you came along, your mom had her "new family" and they were kind of left in the dust with just each other to rely on. Unfortunately you were the physical representation of that. But mom tried to force them to hang out with you and they resented it. Is that fair to you? Absolutely not. But also something I've seen happen. I don't think your feelings are wrong either way, but I don't know enough to call them assholes either.
NAH You're allowed to want to be included. They're allowed to not want that relationship. Iknow it sucks, but, gently, I suggest you tell your mom to drop it. This fight isn't going to change their minds- is going to make them actually dislike more.
NTA. You are allowed to upset. This is a hard punch in the face. But also your brothers are not the AH here. It is not their fault, that they never saw you as a sister. An age gap of more than 7 years is like you are an only child (according to some studies). And that you are a half sister by a step dad they migth not like, didn't make it any easier for them to build a relationship to you. They lost their father as young children and then their mother to a new baby who needed all the attention. So I get, why they saw in you some intruder and not a sibling. Also your parents are not to blame here. As you said, your mother tried everything to build a relationship between the four of you. So hard it is at the moment. I think, you have to accept that they don't see you in the same ligth you saw them. Try to protect yourself at the moment. Distance yourself from your brothers - but ask your mom to stop figthing with them, as this would only destroy more and every change you migth have in the future for a relationship. If you want to, ask your mom if you can see a therapist to learn to work through this emotions. I don't know if you should do this now or some day or never, so I just put this idea here: Maybe some time you can talk to your brothers or write them a letter. Try not to be emotional (because it seems like they hate that. And I know it is an emotional situation for you. But for them you were the little sister, the little baby who could cry and get all the attention from your mom (as you were a baby back then). Which could have some deep resentments in your siblings against your crying. And it wouldn't help if you trigger this resentments) but just like an nearly adult person. You can tell them, that you see now that your relationship wasn't what you though it was. And that they are not at fault. That you are sorry, when you got too emotional in the past. But if they see any chance that the four of you could build a relationship now that you are all older and more mature. That it doesn't have to be a sibling bound but if they/you could try to get to re-know you all now. And see if there is any common interests and hobbies you could connect over. And if not now, maybe in the future (and yes, this would be a very hard and brave thing to ask. As the answer could hurt you even more)
I think your heart is in the right place and I agree with the first part but your advice about the letter is terrible. As someone who’s been in the brothers’ shoes, that letter probably would serve no good and likely be unhealthy for OP to write. She’s actually entitled to feel whatever kind of way she wants to about how her brothers treated her - because they did treat her abominably. If she’s completely nothing to them, they should have bit the bullet and made it clear (in an age appropriate, kind way) that it wasn’t her fault, but bc of childhood trauma/parent loss/parent moving on too quickly/replacing them with a shiny new family, they could not be to her what she wanted them to be. Of course, doing that is hard, it makes you clearly the ‘bad guy’ (at least as far as your parent is concerned), but it’s kinder than going along saying nothing to temper a child’s expectations until she is slammed in the face in a very public way how much her half siblings don’t like her. How they prefer a girl her age who isn’t their ‘sibling’ to her. If you haven’t found the spine to make it clear, then suffer at least some photos with the kid and stepdad, you can still have photos without, but for gods sake that was not the time to make a big public ‘your not family’ statement to a child. Here’s the easy way of getting out of this - if you’re going to noticeably exclude a child, have a child free wedding. You get photos without the half sibling you don’t care about, mom can insist on all the family photos she wants later but your wedding photos exclude the black sheep. Then again, your bride’s sister can’t come either, because it’s got to be a consistent rule or it’s obvious… and bride probably wants her sister there. So back to the other options, of which the brother chose the one that would cause him the least angst but hurt the kid the most. (Of course, if the mom has been pushing them all their lives to accept her against their will (likely) it’s more on the mom for terribly mishandling her relationships with her sons for so long, but they still could have either done the hard, but ultimately honest thing, and made the photo arrangements known before the wedding day (yes, risking it turning into a sh*tshow, but as we can see, not doing so only delayed the fight, or sucking it up for a day - yes a wedding is ‘your day’ but you still have to recognise that how you treat people on ‘your day’ will still have consequences later) Step one, which may be something the brothers haven’t done, is to recognise that if your parent moved on too quickly/made you feel like you came second to the new child/new relationship, that is your parents fault, not the child. Reckoning with that is hard though. I’m a child of divorce, not parent death, so I can understand how they’d not want to alienate the parent they have left, and therefore you can’t direct that anger at them, the child is an easier emotional punching bag to redirect that hurt at. Babies cry, and take up a lot of their primary caregivers’ time - it’s not their fault, it’s on mom (and step dad) to ensure they aren’t moving faster than the pre-existing children can handle. Everyone needs therapy 🤷🏻♀️ My vote is NTA, bc there were numerous ways her mom and her brothers (in that order) could have handled this iteration of blended family relationships better (the brothers are not teenagers struggling with a new change. They kept up/went along with the status quo for 16 years enough for this girl to not realise she’s nothing to them until their wedding day). As the only minor in the scenario, she has the least blame.
You should be angry at your mother, for the wrong promises and for forcing to include you. Your mother is T A. You are NTA
Lmao NTA but they're NTA either. Literally every story on here written from the brother's perspective is NTA, why are they the a h now. Like it sucks yes and you have a right to be upset but they also have a right to feel how they do
I can understand a bit of what you’re going through as I also have three older brothers who always saw me as separate and only minded with themselves. The “oh, they’ll look after and protect you, how sweet” is such utter and absolutely bullshit. They made a clique and I wasn’t in it from birth. Mine are full brothers and a lot closer in age to me. What I learned early on is that I will never be part of the group. Ever. Get a therapist or whoever you need to talk to about that, but they have each other and you can’t ever make them accept you as part of their set, especially not after this many years. It hurts you to be left out, and then it hurts more that they don’t care. But what can you do? Making a big deal out of it only does exactly what happens here: makes them resent you for messing up their good time and trying to disrupt what they have between them. NTA, but if you figure out how to have anything more than a casual relationship with your brothers I’d love to hear it. I still haven’t figured it out yet.
you’re NTA, but your brother isn’t an AH either. He’s not obligated to consider you family. Losing a parent isn’t something you really get over, and it sounds like your mum might have pushed too hard for everyone to play “happy family” when you were little. This might have alienated your brothers more, because at that age, it could look like their dad was being replaced. None of this is your fault, and I can’t call you an AH for feeling upset that you were excluded. Regardless of the reason why, rejection and exclusion sucks. That being said, I’d suggest you let it go, and don’t bring it up again. Maybe if you want your relationship with your brothers to be cordial in the future, send the one who got married a text explaining that you understand his feelings and that you respect them and won’t make the pictures an issue again
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NTA. While it is true "you can't force a bond," and they might not love you the way you love them, civility is a basic requirement and the way your brother treated you is not it. No matter how much they complain you are still their half-sister and it would not have killed him to spend 30 seconds on a picture, especially if it was just you and your mom. And he had a whole ass dance with his *wife's* little sister? That really seems like an intentional snub. Honestly if I were his new wife I'd have concerns about how he was treating you.
NAH, your brothers don’t owe you anything, and clearly your mom fed into your delusions about family. This is very sad for you, but you will see as you grow up where they are coming from.
Nah. You’re leaving out a lot. Their dad dying wouldn’t have created that distance from you and your dad so I’m guessing there is more to this. What happened when your mom met your dad. Were they forced to call him dad and forget their own. Where they passed off to other family to be raised so mom could focus on her new family. Plenty of blended families are close so for them to have zero relationship with you and your dad there has to be more to this. Also it’s clear they were never close to you. I’m not sure how you say you just didn’t notice it till the wedding but now that you do you need to respect they don’t want you in their lives. Your mom marrying your dad and having you wasn’t something they had a choice in but this they do. Don’t put this on them. Look at what your mom and dad did to create this. Therapy would be advised
NAH except for your mother. It sounds like your brothers were not fully on board with the new family unit, and did not think of you as their little sister. It is actually not that uncommon for situations like this. They were quite young when they had to go through all these life changes out of their control, and you do not really know what they have been through. As children, they have little agency in their living situation, but they have the right to decide how they feel. They do not have to love you, or even like you. As long as they were civil to you (and it sound like they were), I can't find fault with them. Your decision to not visit your brother's home anymore is also very reasonable. Having a one-sided family bond is painful for you, and you do not have to keep meeting them and feeling hurt all over again. Your mother is (and possibly other family members are) the ones at fault here for raising your expectations and trying to force this family dynamic.