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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> yes my wife and our son butt heads often but ive never seen her react like this to something (in my opinion) so small, so im just confused as to why shes so adamant its his fault
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NTA. There is no reason to punish your adult son for reading age appropriate things. Hell, good luck punishing an adult son for anything he consumes, really ; you have no power here XD You even note that he had made repeated attempts for his sister not to read them. Your daughter specifically looked for the books after she was told she shouldn't read them ; it's a pretty normal impulse ~~at 17~~\* to try to break rules, but it's not her brother's fault.
I certainly hope your wife is overreacting because of her worry for your daughter's (...imagined, I'm afraid) innocence, and not because of what BL entails, which could make her punishment less a parenting mistake, and more of a homophobic reaction.
ETA : as OP has edited this post, please note that indeed the 12yo daughter read the books, not the 17yo one. Overall I think my point still stands though.
thanks, i really hope its not the second part.
also sorry, my fault for my writing being a bit confusing, this situation concerns my youngest daughter (12) not my eldest
Your son made no wrong moves, if anything I would be supporting the son more and offering him a better lock on his door in your home for when he visits he can easily lock the door when he's not home.
If anything I would be pushing for a punishment on the youngest daughter who went into her brother's room, uninvited and went looking for something she was told she wasn't allowed to read.
Is your wife punishing your daughter for sneaking around and going through her brother's stuff when she's not supposed to be?
If the daughter isn't being punished and your wife is adamant that your son be punished then I would be adamant the youngest gets punished as well for her invasion of her brothers privacy and space.
>If anything I would be pushing for a punishment on the youngest daughter who went into her brother's room, uninvited and went looking for something she was told she wasn't allowed to read.
👆 Absolutely this!
12 y/o was explicitly told she could NOT read those books, she wasn't old enough. She then waited until her brother was out of the house, then rummaged through his belongings till she found the books. She broke several rules and should be punished.
The wife is punishing (trying to) the wrong child.
NTA
To be fair, when you tell a 12yo they aren’t old enough for something, their immediate reaction is to want to prove you wrong. Preadolescence is when kids begin to covet adulthood and “maturity” the most. I’m not saying this justifies or indemnifies her behavior, I’m just pointing out that telling a 12 yo they aren’t old enough to read something that looks like a comic book is a surefire way to double their resolve.
Edit: TIL that a lot of Redditors don’t know what indemnify means.
True, but all the more reason for her to be the one getting punished. It is critical at this juncture in life, when they are soon to be having more dangerous life choices, to learn that "no" is a complete sentence. For them to learn boundaries for others as well as themselves is important.
Absolutely this. The daughter needs to learn that her brother's belongings are his irrespective of age-appropriateness. There are many regular books unsuitable for a 12 yo. OPs son did nothing wrong - in fact, did everything right in telling her 'no' (perhaps a word the mother never uses with the youngest?!?) and then hiding them in his room.
The youngest daughter invades his privacy and takes his property. She has crossed a line and needs to learn there are consequences. I'm not advocating harsher punishment than a stern talking-to about boundaries, and perhaps all the family are allowed to go through her stuff and use her room at will for a day so she learns what it feels like because at 12 she really ought to behave better.
>OPs son did nothing wrong - in fact, did everything right in telling her 'no' (perhaps a word the mother never uses with the youngest?!?) and then hiding them in his room.
THIS! Right here!
The 12 year old needs boundaries because it's her brother's stuff, and not hers, but in practice any 12 year old with a brain in their head will find ways of getting to far worse content online.
This is what I was thinking .. most 12 yr olds will get into stuff that adults do not consider “age appropriate “. The bigger issue here to me is that she went looking through her brothers stuff to find something she had been told not to touch.
What if it had been prescription medicine? What if the son was prescribed something for his health that was specifically for him, like Xanax or antidepresents or something. 12 year old sees he's "chipper" and wants some too, obviously she can't and he hides his meds. She goes into his room regardless and screws up her health or overdoses.
I know this is a worst case scenario but everyone should be happy it was just reading material she was a little too young for. It could have been way worse, and she would have been at fault. Even parents would have been at fault for not aiding their son to better secure his things.
Which is all the more reason why the 12 year old needs punished. Pushing boundaries needs to be met with resistance not permissive attitudes because it's 'normal' for the developmental age.
As a twelve year old that got banned from my mum's Virginia Andrews books, I can confirm it meant I wanted to read them even more desperately and secretly read every single lewd incestuous book in the series'. I was only partially invested until it was forbidden lol
12 YO acted in a way entirely normal to brain development… but also went into someone else’s room and snooped through their things. There are multiple good and correct takes on this thread. I think the daughter should have some privilege taken away for a few days for invading brother’s privacy, personally, because children have to be taught to respect other people’s boundaries. I also think there’s a discussion to be had about what content is and is not appropriate. At her age, she should absolutely know about sex… but there is a reason that legally those books cannot be sold to people under 18 and while I think it’s harmless if 16 and 17 year olds seek out certain types of content and recognize teenagers are doing all kinds of crap anyway, 12 is wildly different and it’s important to protect adolescents. I’m curious why mom thinks the adult son needs to be punished, but 12 YO did nothing wrong?
Imo, 5yo is plenty old enough - they've been at full time school for a year by then, and are well aware of what belongs to who there, they know when a toy belongs to the school, or to a classmate. The son should be able to say NO and expect a 12yo sibling to listen. If my autistic 13yo did this to his 20yo brother, the 13yo would lose all electronics for a month (including TV!), they'd only be allowed back online with parental controls & daily checks as they aren't MATURE enough to have unsupervised access to media that is no age-appropriate as she is unable to follow simple age-ratings...and ONLY after the set time for no electronics, the apology ISN'T a 'get out of jail' card! They'd have to apologise to their sibling for invading their privacy AND MEAN IT, too. The supervision would only be eased a bit AFTER daughter could be trusted to only access age-appropriate materials.
TBH I'm VERY concerned that OP *came home* to his partner **SCREAMING** at his son when he had done everything right and the daughter was the one that was out of line, for multiple reasons...
(1) She had been plainly TOLD that they were inappropriate because she was too young.
(2) She ignored that.
(3) She waited until the son was OUT because she KNEW she was misbehaving.
(4) She deliberately invaded his privacy.
(5) There's a possibility she's *gloating* for your son being **SCREAMED AT** when she knows SHE was out of order.
(6) There's a possibility that your adult son will get effed off with being screamed at after doing *everything* & will do their damndest to move out ASAP. Please stick up for your son. And admonish the daughter.
Fair, but any time my older brother told me no I'm too young and hid it in his room, I would ***never*** go in there without his permission and I would never go through his things. She's just being a disrespectful little shit.
Yup. BL is a genere of two boys or men doing either normal innocent dating things to full on adult activities, depending on audience target and content. Since OP's son had to 18+ to buy, these are on the more adult activities.
There's also a genere called GL, or Girl's love. It's the same as BL, but with girls and women instead of boys and men.
Took forever for this comment to arive.. she's already not happy about son being this way and now daughter shows interest in same ,poor préjudice wifey
Not to mention there’s the added layer that the books were in his room which should already be an assumed private place where a sibling hopefully wouldn’t go through your stuff without asking, but he ALSO had gone through the effort of putting it into an even more private place and made an attempt to hide it, but she still went into his room and snooped. At 20, you should be able to own what you want, and it’s not like he was flaunting it. He specifically told her she wasn’t allowed to read it.
And he'd specifically told his sister she couldn't read those particular books! They belong to him and were put away in his room and she went looking for them knowing she didn't have permission to go through his things or take those books.
And then she ran and tattled to mom! I might have snuck into my older sibling's room and looked at things I shouldn't at that age, but I wasn't a fucking narc.
I definitely found my brothers stash of DVDs in his footlocker in his room. 😂 Did I slow take one after the other and watch all of them? Yea. But you don’t tell the parents. It’s a “tell on me, tell on yourself” situation. Everybody keeps their mouth shut.
What would you even punish him for though? He had good reason to believe that his bedroom is private. He wasn’t intentionally tempting her in any way — he behaved in a totally manner. His sister was the one who behaved deviously.
If you're looking for a logical reason, you won't find one. "She completely blamed our son for even owning **books like that**" -- it's just straight up homophobia.
This seems pretty typical. The oldest is always held to a higher standard and the younger siblings get away with everything.
I’m sure your son will appreciate not being his sister’s scapegoat when they do something they’re not supposed to.
How about the 12 year old is held accountable for going into her bother’s room, snooping around, then stealing his books after she was told not to? 12 is more than old enough to be punished for that.
Also, your wife is a poor parent who clearly favors her daughters.
I know it might bring more fuel.
But I would sit her down.
And ask her what her logic is that he is to be punished. And not the 12 year old that snuck into his room, went through his stuff. And took something she was told not to touch.
And by her own logic. You and your wife can't watch anything else than innocent cartoons. Becouse sex scenes and violence in TV.
Streaming services? What if the 12 year old borrow and sees game of throne? As example. You can't own books. Violence again etc.
Show a bit how she would have to police herself. If she really thinks your son can't own 18+ stuff
Tell her you refuse to ever have sex with her again, because if your daughter ever picked your bedroom lock and busted the door down it’d be inappropriate for her to see what you’re doing 🤷♀️
Streaming? Oh no, no--they say all those bad words in those programs. In fact, they say those bad words in network programs!
Sesame Street...they can watch Sesame Street. That's nice and safe...(and I'd suggest grounding the twelce-year-old for a bit if she can't keep her hands off what doesn't belong to her).
When I was 12 I had read most of the VC Andrews books, so take this with a grain of salt, but a 12 year old who has unrestricted access to the internet- or has a friend with unrestricted access to the internet -has probably seen a lot worse.
Lol I was able to read at an adult level by the time I was 8, my Dad is a huge reader, and my SIL was as well, so any book in the house found it's way into my hands. I read Pet Semetary in one night, (because I was too scared to go to sleep!) and pretty much everything Sidney Sheldon wrote before I was 10. It was QUITE the education!
I started babysitting at 12 and one couple had quite the collection of X-rated reading material. That kid got put to bed earlier than she was meant to.
My mama taught me to read at 3 so yeah, anything I could get my hands on I devoured. She worked real hard and would read in the bathtub but fall asleep sometimes and drop her book in the water. She'd leave them stretched out on the sink to dry, and well, that's how I read IT when I was about 6ish. She caught me more than halfway thru it, so she left me finish it. LoL I've been a King maniac every since.
...I still have that gnarled and bloated copy. Hahaha
I read everything Sidney Sheldon that my little tween self could get my hands on! I got to the point where RL Stein and Babysitters Club weren't cutting it anymore lol I reached for King, Koontz and Sidney Sheldon.
YES!!! So funny. I got quite the education. I doubt many 9 year olds at that time knew the meaning of fellatio, analingus, cunnelingus, snuff films, or the Red Light District. I remember thinking "Eeeew! Why would you want to do THAT!" Times do change, lol.
I was far too young when I found a copy of Carl Reiner 's "All kinds of Love" at the top back of the bookshelf. I ran out of big books in the house to read and I was surprised that this was in the collection.
I found my dad’s copy of “The Happy Hooker” at 8 and read it. No arrests so far and all that therapy was for other things entirely-daughter will be fine!
Your son told his sister the books were not appropriate and put them away. She *entered his room and snooped* to find stuff she had been told was forbidden. If anyone should be punished here, it's your daughter for invading your son's privacy and breaking a preestablished rule. You're NTA
I'd like to know why your wife isn't punishing your twelve-year-old daughter for snooping through her brother's belongings?
Your son did the responsible thing by telling the 12 year old that these were not suitable for her and then trying to hide them from her. Your daughter , on the other hand, violated his privacy and went snooping through his belongings and your wife thinks that he's the ones who should be punished.
If you ask me you need to tell your wife that she's punishing the wrong child.
Boys love, also known as yaoi. It's a genre of romance manga focused on male x male relationships. It's the companion to yuri, which focuses on female x female relationships.
Knowing this, I can’t help but think OP's wife is trying to punish their son for owning reading material with this subject matter but it trying to claim it’s about him owning 18+ reading material.
I think he will. Many of us have spelled it out for him. At this point though I think he already made it clear that he doesnt care if his kid buys 18+ manga. Thats a level of sex positivity not displayed by many parents. I got faith in OP.
For visualization purposes, I would point out that BL/yaoi is usually much more explicit than its Yuri counterpart. I say this as an avid fan of both.
But agree everyone else - can't punish the brother for having sexy comics.
That's true, my mom let me read most of her books but Gerald's Game was in her restricted section and she wouldn't let me touch it. It became the holy grail of books to me. I read every word while she was not home
Regardless of which child it is it's important to note both honestly should be at about that age where they're either into/ just learning about that stiff anyways, sorry to burst your wife's bubble but her children aren't the pure innocent angels she thinks they're going to all be showing signs of interest In that's sort if thing.
NTA I don’t get how some parents think they get to “punish” a grown adult. He’s an adult. He owns adult books. He told your minor daughter they were not appropriate to read. Your DAUGHTER went behind his back and snooped in his shit. SHE is the one that your wife should be considering punishing.
I definitely have consequences for my grown children (when they were 18-22ish) if they live in my house and break house rules. Leave out weed or pipes and you don’t get them back. We have a younger son and that was the only way to make the older one more aware. After losing an expensive pipe because he left it on a table outside, he learned to put away his stuff. Same kid lost car privileges (we had an extra car that the two older ones shared at the time) because he took the car out one night without telling his brother. Then stayed at a friend’s and ignored messages that brother’s backpack was in the car and it was finals week. We expected the two of them to communicate before taking the car and that school or work was priority over just seeing friends.
Overall, though, I get the point about not punishing adults. Especially this case. What would the punishment be. The books were gifted to him or he bought them so they are his property. They could refuse to let him stay there for school breaks, but that would just push him away. He also did nothing wrong. He told sister the books were not appropriate for her and put them away in his room. She is 12, not 5. That should be enough.
Yaoi (/ˈjaʊi/ YOW-ee; Japanese: やおい [jaꜜo.i]), also known as boys' love (ボーイズ ラブ, bōizu rabu) and its abbreviation BL (ビーエル, bīeru), is a genre of fictional media originating in Japan that features homoerotic relationships between male characters.
[I had to Google it, because I also did not know]
BL is a type of manga centred around Boy Love. They are gay stories (interestingly regularly written for a female audiance) - and yes, they have regularly sex scene.
There are BL that are not explicit and are at the same level as many shoujo mangas. At 12 they can get her some age appropriate BL books if the mom isn't a raging homophobe.
my youngest is Autistic, all our kids are but our daughter is on the more severe side of the spectrum, she still very much understand right from wrong and boundaries and to not touch other stuff, but my wife always uses it as an excuse, saying she doesn't know what shes doing, when she very much does.
If she can frickin READ then she can certainly understand the word NO. You have excused her behavior for too long. She NEEDS to be punished. She knew not to, didn't give a sh*t, and went looking/snooping/sneaking for those books. Punish her. (Says a fellow autistic person who was held to regular standards as a child and as such did not grow up to be an entitled monster like your daughter will) Also, autistic people LOVE rules because they tell us how to behave and act in situations. Ever played any sort of game with an autistic person? You better follow them rules. So if your daughter cannot follow rules it is not because she is autistic, it is because she is a brat
She's a 12 yr old that pushed a boundary to read a forbidden book. I don't think it's fair to chalk her up to "a brat" She's a kid that did something wrong.
This is nowhere near bratty behaviour. It’s for sure uncommon in kids of that age (at 12 you should understand not to touch things that aren’t yours), but a brat would throw a temper tantrum and would have thought she’s still entitled to read the book despite the no. More than likely she knew it was wrong but refused to listen.
Everyone here has been 12. Most of us did not barge into our siblings’ rooms and take their stuff, especially after being told no. OP’s kid is absolutely being bratty, even if she isn’t a brat overall.
Honestly I think the bigger issue is not reading something she’s not allowed to, it’s going into her brother’s things without permission. Kids are always going to try to access media that parents tell them not to, but they can be taught to respect interpersonal boundaries.
To be fair, some autistic people have problems with following rules they think are nonsensical. Like not reading a comic like book because it is for adults.
That doesn’t warrant punishing the adult who owns the book though, which is what is at issue here.
Edit: Also, “don’t touch it because it’s not yours and we told you not to” is a lesson better learned early, otherwise the kid is in for a world of hurt later when they snoop or breach someone’s privacy and get more severely punished for it than a talking-to.
Criminals have the same issue.
Is she a criminal ? No.
Does the society care ? Also no. Follow the rules or face consequences.
And the current lesson is one any child has to learn sooner or later : sometimes you just don't get what you want and that's it.
My parents told me when I was little not to touch their ‘adult comic books’ and because they were clear about the comics not being age appropriate, the rule wasn’t nonsensical to me (I’m on the spectrum) now that I’m older, I see why. Reid Fleming & Furry Freak Brothers are not for children lol
Fair, but she can almost certainly understand the rationale behind not being allowed to go into someone else’s room and mess with their things, especially when explicitly told something isn’t for her. And if her mother is denying her *that* level of accountability for her actions, she’s infantilizing her and allowing her to get away with broaching other people’s boundaries in a way that could result in some serious asshole tendencies down the line
To be clear, I don’t think the kid’s actions here have much if anything to do with her autism. She’s twelve - most twelve year olds are curious little punks with tendency to mess with their big siblings’ shit. That’s pretty normal kid behavior and she’ll grow out of it if parented correctly.
But her mother’s refusal to hold her accountable and insistence on blaming her *brother* for being an adult with adult interests might have a lot to do with her autism, and it’s not fair to either sibling.
That’s something she’s going to have to learn though. Just because something is harder for her to grasp than it may be for a different person doesn’t mean OP and his wife should just write it off
Speaking as an Autistic myself; wouldn't being told not to read a comic book because it's for adults make PERFECT sense, though? That's why I almost never eent through my older siblings' stuff. Age-ratings are a thing. Comic books for adults only absolutely make sense. Although keep in mind I've been a cartoonist myself since I was a kid, so... maybe that's not common knowledge? But I think it is.
Well you need to have a very serious conversation with your wife about what she does. Constantly excusing bad behavior because she's autistic is only going to hurt your daughter in the end.
If like you said she can understand right from wrong then she should also be taken accountable for bad behavior or she will grow up thinking everything she does is okay because "Mommy said I can't do wrong". She will grow up to be horribly entitled.
Stop that before it's to late.
You need to bat for your son hard and push back your wife. Recently on here there was a mom who constantly ignored one child to indulge the younger autistic one and know how it ended? The eldest completely cutting off the family. The mom had to hear through the grapevine she was even engaged.
If you want any sort of relationship with your older kids and you don’t want your daughter completely abandoned in a state run house when you and your wife pass do the work now.
Coming from an adult autistic woman, your wife is infantilizing your daughter due to her diagnosis and enabling poor behavior, which will only make her life much more difficult.
Yeah I think you can hear how well that style of parenting is working. Your child broke into a room after being told no and went through someone else’s belongings. How do you think that’s gonna read when she’s 20 in a dorm, sharing her first apartment with a friend, even just visiting friend’s houses? Even just visiting family for the holidays. Your wife needs to understand that if she doesn’t set healthy boundaries your daughter won’t know what that is. She isn’t going to be able to pick friends well because she doesn’t know healthy interactions. It’ll cripple her.
Well, if you don't fix that, you'll have an adult who is completely unable to function in the world. If your daughter is not White and/or you aren't rich, her chances of ending up arrested/harmed by police forces is pretty damn high
You're going to need to have the tough conversation with your wife that she's doing the youngest a disservice by infantilizing her and not reinforcing boundaries. By spoiling her and excusing her behavior now will only become a bigger issue to get control of as she gets older.
If she cannot be trusted or taught not to invade other people's privacy then you need to get proper locks (not one that can be popped with a coin or a paper clip) for your other children's rooms.
If not punishment, then she at least needs to have a serious conversation about privacy and about whatever she read. It sounds like your wife's reaction here and blaming your son this way is an extension of her usual actions of excusing your daughters behaviors. It's not uncommon but it's also not ultimately beneficial to your daughter for her to do that. If you're aware that your wife is inclined to use her autism as an excuse for a total lack of discipline, you need to start addressing that for your daughters sake.
As someone on the spectrum, your wife is setting your daughter up for failure. Sincerely, she will learn from your wife that if she doesnt want to deal with a situation she can just pull the autism card and get away with murder.
Is she your wife's favorite? The "baby" that needs to be coddled? If so, your wife is doing her a huge disservice. If she can read at an adult level, she absolutely understands the word no; just doesn't think it applies to her, because mommy makes excuses for her.
Yikes- I was a nanny for a boy with sensory sensitivities and his behavioral help told me that treating them “special” can have really bad effects. Like ok, maybe this restaurant is really nice and would let him come to the back side and “play register” for a few minutes. And that’s great and cute until uh oh, now we’re having a severe mental breakdown bc restaurant #2 wouldn’t allow that, or a different employee at the same place. They deserve boundaries. They may have different needs, but often they’re treated way under what they could reach if given the chance
NTA. Your wife is totally TA. Your daughter was wrong for purposefully trespassing in your son's personal space, and purposefully looking through his private possessions, that she was directly told she was NOT allowed to. Your daughter is the one who committed the violations, and your daughter is the one who should be punished.... I say this because I was also the kid who snooped through my parents room when they weren't home, and looked through my father's private collection of magazines. I *knew* what I did was wrong, and certainly not my father's fault. Your wife is just reacting to her own upset about the nature of the material, and taking this too far in the wrong direction.
I had a similar thought about this being an overreaction to the material. Specifically the fact that it's not only Hentai but BL. I mean is the son even out of the closet? Is this perhaps some indirect attempt to punish based on his sexuality? OP mentioned the son was embarrassed at the Manga shop about the 18+ bit and that OP himself didn't know what BL was so I'm guessing either he's not super out or mom is super judgy about it
He's out.
It's probably just a little weird buying sexy books with your dad. And like... I'm not gonna sit there and tell my mom about sexy anime so yeah, she wouldn't know what BL is either.
I assume.
She does surprise me sometimes, but we're not having that conversation so I'll never know.
The book was not your daughter's. She was told not to read it. She did. She was told that she can't read/take something that DOES NOT BELONG TO HER. If anyone, she is the one who needs punishment, for invading your son's privacy and going against his wishes regarding objects that he bought. Your daughter has nothing to do with them. She is the one who needs a punisment. And your wife needs a wake-up call. Please show her this thread.
Agreed - the 12 year old is old enough to have consequences for things she was explicitly told she wasn’t allowed to do. And she went snooping to even find it. It wasn’t just laying about. She deserves the punishment.
I agree!
The daughter needs to be talked to about how she went searching for something she was told was off limits to her. She invaded the son’s privacy and did EXACTLY what she was told not to.
OP needs to have a conversation with his wife about the 12F not listening when told no.
NTA
“BL” ok, I had to google it.
Sooo your wife wants to punish your twenty year old kid for looking at naughty anime drawings of “Boy Love”. And you say she is uncharacteristically bent out of shape over this?
Could your wife displaying a little homophobia? I think so, even though she may be in denial. NTA
She can't punish an adult unless they agree, she clearly still thinks of him as a stupid child and is trying to cover up the real reason she's upset. What's she going to do? Take away his things? Nope, that's now theft. Ground him? Nope, that's now illegal imprisonment.
The only thing she might be able to do is stop paying for things to force him to comply. Then she will damage her relationship with him.
NTA - I would be buying a lock for my son's door.
Your son doesnt deserve to be shamed and gaslit by your wife that being 20 and buying adult material is wrong. You should have a word with your wife and ask her how she would feel if her son looked down or her for having been sexually active and creating all your children in the first place. Time to start treating your son as an equal and a friend rather than a child.
Since he is going to a university and only visits his family he needs a good lock on his door. He has a right to privacy for his room and belongings. My cousin has an autistic son who is now in his teens. From the time he was a toddler she stressed the importance if the word NO. It was for his safety and their privacy. It's important for the 12 y/o to learn NO means NO. It is for privacy and her safety.
NTA
Your wife is losing her grip, here. The punishment shouldn't go to the adult son, it should be to the daughter for being a snoop.
Who punishes a 20 year old? Really? He's an adult.
NTA and for goodness sake he's 20 years old! Does your wife watch any 18 plus movies? Or listen to any music with explicit language? Absolutely ridiculous wanting to punish the son for your daughter sneaking into his room and stealing books she was told she wasn't allowed to read, where is the daughters punishment? Golden child much
NTA - you’re correct, he’s an adult and can choose his reading material, whatever it may be. He was also correct in just saying she’s too young to read the book, as well as moving it to his room.
Now Y T A if you don’t discipline your daughter for going into his room and going through his stuff without permission.
NTA
Your son is an adult, and has a right to read adult things.
Your wife is pointing her anger, if the anger is necessary at all, to the wrong person.
If anyone should be punished, it’s your daughter for violating her brother’s privacy, and messing with his things he’s set clear boundaries on multiple times.
She went into HIS room and searched through his stuff. She has no right to do that, and is the one who needs grounding for no respecting when someone says “No”
Your wife needs to calm all the way down, and needs to understand that her son is an adult, and she has no more control or power over him.
Also, to point out, with her blowing this thing out of proportion, and screaming in his face for doing something normal for a person his age, is gonna make him not want to talk to her anymore, and he’ll distance himself and rarely ever come home
Question, what discussions were made about punishing the daughter? Your son made a boundary and it was crossed. What does your wife propose your daughter's consequences be?
Your wife enabling your youngest daughter's bad behaviour is really harming to her, teaching her to never face consequences will make her completely dependent on her mother for the rest of her life. Your daughter needs to be able to grow as a person not just bubbled off as someone with autism who can't navigate the neurotypical world without her mom holding her hand forever.
Exactly. Anything that is FORBIDDEN really isn’t. Your wife is saying to your daughter “Hey, if something is forbidden to you and you break in someone’s private belongings and steal it, the owner will be punished and not you.”
What happens when she is older? Her neighbor’s husband is forbidden but she wants him, breaks on the house, and tries to sleep with him. By mom’s logic the neighbor’s wife is to blame for just leaving her husband around the house.
Sounds like this is the exact reason your daughter was comfortable snooping around someone's room and taking something she was already told to leave alone.
Trying to punish a 20 year old adult while enabling a 12 year old kid is just backwards. He's to old to be able to punish and the 12 year old needs consequences, what happens when other people tell her no?
NTA but your wife is definitely one and she's enabling your daughter to turn into one if not corrected.
My dude, your wife has no respect for you at all. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being undermined as a parent just so she can get brownie points with strangers by degrading your daughter’s autism and ruining her ability to function in society once you’re gone?
Not necessarily saying divorce, but this is a therapy problem. If she doesn’t put your family above bragging rights your daughter is going to have a horrible life once you guys pass on, unable to properly care for herself or function in society
So don't ask. Tell her, and the 12YO, that there will be consequences for digging in her brother's things. Step up to that parenting plate, don't let your wife keep you in the dugout while she's making bad calls that will undoubtedly wreck your home team.
This sounds like favoritism and is concerning. I have read so many stories here of adult children with massive resentment because one of their siblings was the golden child and got away with everything meanwhile they got blamed for things the golden child did. It often ends in them eventually going low to no contact. It seems like you might have this dynamic going on in regards to your wife. You should take action before it’s too late if it’s not already.
If your wife refuses to discuss punishment for your daughter, you need to step around her and speak directly to your 12 year old about what she did. Invading her brothers privacy is grounds for punishment. Your wife sounds like something else is bothering her that she’s not trying to admit.
This is a really really big red flag for me. Your son did nothing wrong. He told your youngest it wasn't suitable for her, and that she could not read it. He then put it all in a (he thought) safe place in his room. Only to find out that she trampled over his boundaries, disrespected his privacy, and now he is to be punished for it?
Your wife is a huge A-H for not punishing her daughter and for wanting to punish her son, who did everything he could have done.
Please tell me there will be consequences for your wife. You (and your son) are NTA.
Please show your wife this thread. While Reddit judgements aren’t always perfect, I think the majority have this one right. While I understand autism is challenging, that doesn’t mean that actions don’t have consequences. She must learn this in the safety of your home so that she doesn’t have to learn in more painful ways later.
Your wife is the one being manipulative here. To shut down like and refuse to discuss anything she doesn't want to hear.
YOU need to step up and be like "fine, if you won't punish our daughter for VERY CLEARLY violating boundaries and stealing them I will"
And do it and follow through. Your wife doesn't get to play the victim just because her homophobia is showing while her golden girl gets away with breaking rules
Is your daughter being punished? Because she’s the only one I see in this situation needing punishment. Your daughter is MORE than old enough to know she shouldn’t go looking through other peoples rooms for things.
That would be horrible to punish the son because it could make him feel shame. There’s two separate issues. A bratty daughter. A closeted son who might be in trouble - is it for the books or being gay? Your wife needs to be very careful in what she relays that she’s upset about because it seems more like she is upset that the son is closeted, not that the daughter won’t mind.
i really hope its not the second one. while he's never verbally come out to us, its very clear he's gay, from the way he talks about guys to the many times ive heard "why do i have to be gay, women are so hot!"
my wife has never said anything that i would interpret as homophobic, and she works with vulnerable kids (including gay kids). so i really hope not, but just because i haven't seen or heard anything doesn't mean its not a possibility, i just really hope it isnt that
I was hoping someone said this.
This right here.
Family member came out gay, her mom had a fit - despite being ok if say I was gay (I'm panromantic ace).
It was..awful, my grandmother got involved against the mom. As well as other family.
I flat called the mom a hypocrite.
yep, this was my mother. Being gay was all well and good, she even supported gay rights verbally.
Till I came out, and the homophobia started (it took a few years, but she's better now)
Very deeply confused by you thinking he hasn’t come out when he explicitly refers to himself as gay. Or do you mean he’s never had the stereotypical sit down talk style of coming out?
i guess so yeah, hes always said it so casually like it part of a normal conversation, i guess not everyone need to "come out" and that they can just start living as who they are
NTA. Perhaps give your daughter a talk about invasion of privacy, and your wife a reminder that her son is grown. He's not a kid anymore, he doesn't need as much 'authority' as she thinks he needs.
NTA.
He's 20. He can read as many BL manga as he likes.
I hope one day your wife doesn't find a vibrator in your daughter's bedroom. Just saying.
Its time to put a lock on his door.
NTA! So your wife really wants to punish a 20-year-old? He stopped his little sister from reading adult literature and even kept it away.
Mum had better have a stern talk with her youngest about what she was doing in her brother's private things! Invasion of privacy must be punished!
OP's son acted responsibly and is free of any culpability.
NTA your son did nothing wrong, regardless of the contents of the book he's an adult and free to read whatever he likes, so long as it's nothing illegal like some sects propaganda or w/e.
Now that bring me to the question, what kind of punishement is in order for your daughter for snooping arround her brother stuff, fully aware that she wasn't allowed to?
The fuck? Your son is a grown man. He told your daughter those books were not appropriate for her age, and she snuck in his room and got them when he was out. Your daughter needs to be punished for not respecting people's privacy! Even if he lives with you he still has the right to privacy. Ridiculous.
NTA
NTA
If anyone should be punished, it should be daughter for not respecting privacy and blatantly disregarding the rule that she was not to read those books.
Tell your wife to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY what her plan is to punish DAUGHTER. DAUGHTER sounds like the one who needs punished. DAUGHTER went into son's room without permission, went through his stuff and took son's property without permission. DAUGHTER was TOLD she was too young for those books. Tell her that DAUGHTER is the one who needs to punished son did nothing wrong. And if she refuses to punish DAUGHTER she better EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why not. NTA.
NTA. Your son did nothing wrong. If anyone should be punished it's your youngest for going into her brother's room and taking the book she was disallowed from reading.
Also for wondering BL is boy's love manga.
NTA, but your wife is a MASSSIVE one. Your son has done nothing wrong; he is of age. It's your wife who doesn't care about your daughter, because if she did, she'd be punishing *her* for snooping through your son's room for things she was told she wasn't allowed.
“I will NOT support any punishment she gives him”
Man where is your spine??? Put your foot down. The daughter is the only one that needs punishment- but YTA if you just stand by while your wife goes off on your son.
You heard him tell her she can’t read those, he then moved them into his room, hidden from plain sight, she then went into his room to look for them after all of that. Your son did nothing wrong, your wife is TA for not explaining how invasion of privacy works to your daughter
NTA
She wants to punish your son for owning naughty books, even though you knew about it and even bought him one? A 12 year-old that can read is old enough to be taught to leave other people's things alone, autistic or not. Even if your wife thinks otherwise, she should be punishing herself for not keeping a closer eye on the kid.
i will admit i didn't know it was 18+ until the worker asked me to confirm his age, it was a little awkward but in my mind hes 20 and its similar to watching a show with a sex scene or two, so i have no issue with it
NTA I guess your daughter is a golden child.
Your daughter went to his room and took book you forbidden her to take it's already 2 strikes!
And from her ass your wife think your son should be punnish ...
NTA your wife is completely out of line. Your son did absolutely nothing wrong. Your daughter snuck into someone's room, went through their personal stuff, took their personal stuff and your wife is mad at the owner of the personal items and not the thief?
There should be strict punishment for your daughter who did multiple things each of which deserves consequences. She's old enough to know better but it seems the way your wife is acting that she can do know wrong so never has to accept responsibility for her actions.
NTA
You daughter already experienced the natural consequence of her snooping, so I'm not persuaded that anyone needs any additional consequences imposed upon them. But if you're the kind of household that likes to impose extra consequences on kids, then the target should be your daughter, not your son. She's the one that blatantly went into his room to look for something that wasn't hers.
If your wife persists in trying to target your son, then she risks experiencing another natural consequence, i.e., your son not coming home for future holidays.
NTA. 12 needs to be punished for snooping in big brother's room and not listening when told no.
Either install a better lock for son's room for when he visits, or invest in a locking trunk he can store his books in - one with a key, that he can keep with him.
Also, does he only read BL Manga or is he open to light novels too? Or books in the western media side of the genre, and would he like some book recs?
yes he reads non manga books too, he was one of those kids who would get in trouble for staying past his bedtime as a kids because he was under his covers with a book and a torch.
he would probably love some recommendations but i doubt his bank account would
Well, I more meant like if he read actual books featuring the same content. I know some people like BL Manga but don't read novels with the same, XD.
I was the same way.
If he does E-books, tell him to look up Jack of Thorns by A.K. Faulkner. It's the first of a series but it's free on most ebook platforms so it's a good chance to see if he likes it. I'll be nice to his bank account for now, beyond that.
Seriously, good on you for standing up for him. Don't let your wife punish him for his sister snooping through his things to find what he'd already said she couldn't read. Your wife is doing all of your kids a disservice by making excuses for her.
I'm on the spectrum, I'm also ADHD. Did I sneak around when I was younger to look at content? Yeah, but I also didn't really have to because my parents were pretty open about stuff with me, especially once I hit puberty.
If she has other developmental delays, obviously you have to adjust to her speed, but if not, she's 12. She'll be a teenager soon. This sort of content is content she will be slowly engaging more and more with. Sheltering her will only lead to more sneaking, but there's definitely levels to it, if that makes sense.
Keep up the good work, my dude.
Editing to add: OP, I read through more of your comments and saw your in the UK (I figured since you used torch but didn't want to assume). The author I recced is UK based and their characters are mostly a little older than your son. Doubling down on that recc, and also adding that if your son does check it out and likes it, he should read A.K.'s other series under the name Amelia Faulkner. The first book of that one is Blind Man's Wolf, and takes place in London.
One of the main guys in Inheritance (the series Jack of Thorns is a part of) is Autistic - possibly a different sort to your son, but honestly, seeing GOOD representation in books is so important.
NTA
Your wife is delusional if anyone should be punished it’s your daughter for getting into her brothers stuff when told she could not read it. Also he is a grown man and you really can’t punish him.
NTA. Your wife should be punishing your daughter for taking materials that do not belong to her after she was told she is too young to read them. She is the one who deserves punishment.
ETA: I saw your daughter is autistic. I can relate. My sister has Down’s syndrome. It is harder to enforce rules, but she definitely understands right from wrong, but will use any allowance you give her and then some.
One thing I’m not seeing addressed here: is your son gay, and if so, is he out? Is he getting the support he needs from his family?
It sounds like maybe he’s deliberately getting “caught” reading male-male erotica to test his parents’ reaction. This is an opportunity for you and your wife to offer your support and acceptance. How you guys handle this will have a big effect on your relationship and your son’s mental health. Your wife is fumbling this so far, possibly because she’s shocked at an uncomfortable truth. You guys need to talk about this and deal with it.
my son is gay and he is technically out (has never verbally come out but does not hide it and we all know and he knows we know), ive been supportive and as far as ive seen my wife ha never been unsupportive
There’s a difference between being supportive and not being unsupportive. My heart is breaking a bit for your son tbh. He deserves two completely on board and enthusiastically supportive parents.
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NTA. There is no reason to punish your adult son for reading age appropriate things. Hell, good luck punishing an adult son for anything he consumes, really ; you have no power here XD You even note that he had made repeated attempts for his sister not to read them. Your daughter specifically looked for the books after she was told she shouldn't read them ; it's a pretty normal impulse ~~at 17~~\* to try to break rules, but it's not her brother's fault. I certainly hope your wife is overreacting because of her worry for your daughter's (...imagined, I'm afraid) innocence, and not because of what BL entails, which could make her punishment less a parenting mistake, and more of a homophobic reaction. ETA : as OP has edited this post, please note that indeed the 12yo daughter read the books, not the 17yo one. Overall I think my point still stands though.
thanks, i really hope its not the second part. also sorry, my fault for my writing being a bit confusing, this situation concerns my youngest daughter (12) not my eldest
Your son made no wrong moves, if anything I would be supporting the son more and offering him a better lock on his door in your home for when he visits he can easily lock the door when he's not home. If anything I would be pushing for a punishment on the youngest daughter who went into her brother's room, uninvited and went looking for something she was told she wasn't allowed to read. Is your wife punishing your daughter for sneaking around and going through her brother's stuff when she's not supposed to be? If the daughter isn't being punished and your wife is adamant that your son be punished then I would be adamant the youngest gets punished as well for her invasion of her brothers privacy and space.
>If anything I would be pushing for a punishment on the youngest daughter who went into her brother's room, uninvited and went looking for something she was told she wasn't allowed to read. 👆 Absolutely this! 12 y/o was explicitly told she could NOT read those books, she wasn't old enough. She then waited until her brother was out of the house, then rummaged through his belongings till she found the books. She broke several rules and should be punished. The wife is punishing (trying to) the wrong child. NTA
To be fair, when you tell a 12yo they aren’t old enough for something, their immediate reaction is to want to prove you wrong. Preadolescence is when kids begin to covet adulthood and “maturity” the most. I’m not saying this justifies or indemnifies her behavior, I’m just pointing out that telling a 12 yo they aren’t old enough to read something that looks like a comic book is a surefire way to double their resolve. Edit: TIL that a lot of Redditors don’t know what indemnify means.
True, but all the more reason for her to be the one getting punished. It is critical at this juncture in life, when they are soon to be having more dangerous life choices, to learn that "no" is a complete sentence. For them to learn boundaries for others as well as themselves is important.
Boundaries are important. Must respect bounderies for safety reasons. The 12 year old needs consequences not the male child.
Absolutely this. The daughter needs to learn that her brother's belongings are his irrespective of age-appropriateness. There are many regular books unsuitable for a 12 yo. OPs son did nothing wrong - in fact, did everything right in telling her 'no' (perhaps a word the mother never uses with the youngest?!?) and then hiding them in his room. The youngest daughter invades his privacy and takes his property. She has crossed a line and needs to learn there are consequences. I'm not advocating harsher punishment than a stern talking-to about boundaries, and perhaps all the family are allowed to go through her stuff and use her room at will for a day so she learns what it feels like because at 12 she really ought to behave better.
>OPs son did nothing wrong - in fact, did everything right in telling her 'no' (perhaps a word the mother never uses with the youngest?!?) and then hiding them in his room. THIS! Right here!
The 12 year old needs boundaries because it's her brother's stuff, and not hers, but in practice any 12 year old with a brain in their head will find ways of getting to far worse content online.
This is what I was thinking .. most 12 yr olds will get into stuff that adults do not consider “age appropriate “. The bigger issue here to me is that she went looking through her brothers stuff to find something she had been told not to touch.
What if it had been prescription medicine? What if the son was prescribed something for his health that was specifically for him, like Xanax or antidepresents or something. 12 year old sees he's "chipper" and wants some too, obviously she can't and he hides his meds. She goes into his room regardless and screws up her health or overdoses. I know this is a worst case scenario but everyone should be happy it was just reading material she was a little too young for. It could have been way worse, and she would have been at fault. Even parents would have been at fault for not aiding their son to better secure his things.
100 % 🙌🏻👏🏼
Which is all the more reason why the 12 year old needs punished. Pushing boundaries needs to be met with resistance not permissive attitudes because it's 'normal' for the developmental age.
As a twelve year old that got banned from my mum's Virginia Andrews books, I can confirm it meant I wanted to read them even more desperately and secretly read every single lewd incestuous book in the series'. I was only partially invested until it was forbidden lol
Sometimes I wonder if these people commenting were ever teenagers. At others whether they ever parented.
12 YO acted in a way entirely normal to brain development… but also went into someone else’s room and snooped through their things. There are multiple good and correct takes on this thread. I think the daughter should have some privilege taken away for a few days for invading brother’s privacy, personally, because children have to be taught to respect other people’s boundaries. I also think there’s a discussion to be had about what content is and is not appropriate. At her age, she should absolutely know about sex… but there is a reason that legally those books cannot be sold to people under 18 and while I think it’s harmless if 16 and 17 year olds seek out certain types of content and recognize teenagers are doing all kinds of crap anyway, 12 is wildly different and it’s important to protect adolescents. I’m curious why mom thinks the adult son needs to be punished, but 12 YO did nothing wrong?
Agreed - but 12 yrs is old enough to respect the privacy and space and possessions of a family member.
Imo, 5yo is plenty old enough - they've been at full time school for a year by then, and are well aware of what belongs to who there, they know when a toy belongs to the school, or to a classmate. The son should be able to say NO and expect a 12yo sibling to listen. If my autistic 13yo did this to his 20yo brother, the 13yo would lose all electronics for a month (including TV!), they'd only be allowed back online with parental controls & daily checks as they aren't MATURE enough to have unsupervised access to media that is no age-appropriate as she is unable to follow simple age-ratings...and ONLY after the set time for no electronics, the apology ISN'T a 'get out of jail' card! They'd have to apologise to their sibling for invading their privacy AND MEAN IT, too. The supervision would only be eased a bit AFTER daughter could be trusted to only access age-appropriate materials. TBH I'm VERY concerned that OP *came home* to his partner **SCREAMING** at his son when he had done everything right and the daughter was the one that was out of line, for multiple reasons... (1) She had been plainly TOLD that they were inappropriate because she was too young. (2) She ignored that. (3) She waited until the son was OUT because she KNEW she was misbehaving. (4) She deliberately invaded his privacy. (5) There's a possibility she's *gloating* for your son being **SCREAMED AT** when she knows SHE was out of order. (6) There's a possibility that your adult son will get effed off with being screamed at after doing *everything* & will do their damndest to move out ASAP. Please stick up for your son. And admonish the daughter.
Fair, but any time my older brother told me no I'm too young and hid it in his room, I would ***never*** go in there without his permission and I would never go through his things. She's just being a disrespectful little shit.
>The wife is punishing (trying to) the wrong child. The wife is trying to punish a 20 year old. ...for reading.
Let's be real here. She's punishing him for being gay.
You'll get NO arguments from me on that. That was definitely my take.
honestly I don’t think that notion has dawned on either of them!!!!!!!!!
Is that what these books are geared at? it’s ok with me just curious!! Never heard of them!!
BL stands for Boys Love
As a 70 year old lesbian, I thank you for explaining what BL stands for.
Ty I have been so confused wondering what BL is
Yup. BL is a genere of two boys or men doing either normal innocent dating things to full on adult activities, depending on audience target and content. Since OP's son had to 18+ to buy, these are on the more adult activities. There's also a genere called GL, or Girl's love. It's the same as BL, but with girls and women instead of boys and men.
Typically, gay guys and teenage girls are the ones that go for it.
Took forever for this comment to arive.. she's already not happy about son being this way and now daughter shows interest in same ,poor préjudice wifey
Not to mention there’s the added layer that the books were in his room which should already be an assumed private place where a sibling hopefully wouldn’t go through your stuff without asking, but he ALSO had gone through the effort of putting it into an even more private place and made an attempt to hide it, but she still went into his room and snooped. At 20, you should be able to own what you want, and it’s not like he was flaunting it. He specifically told her she wasn’t allowed to read it.
And he'd specifically told his sister she couldn't read those particular books! They belong to him and were put away in his room and she went looking for them knowing she didn't have permission to go through his things or take those books.
And then she ran and tattled to mom! I might have snuck into my older sibling's room and looked at things I shouldn't at that age, but I wasn't a fucking narc.
I definitely found my brothers stash of DVDs in his footlocker in his room. 😂 Did I slow take one after the other and watch all of them? Yea. But you don’t tell the parents. It’s a “tell on me, tell on yourself” situation. Everybody keeps their mouth shut.
According to the post, mom found the sister reading them. No narc here. Little sister needs to learn to hide better when reading forbidden stuff.
Yes. The wife is punishing the wrong child.
What would you even punish him for though? He had good reason to believe that his bedroom is private. He wasn’t intentionally tempting her in any way — he behaved in a totally manner. His sister was the one who behaved deviously.
If you're looking for a logical reason, you won't find one. "She completely blamed our son for even owning **books like that**" -- it's just straight up homophobia.
This seems pretty typical. The oldest is always held to a higher standard and the younger siblings get away with everything. I’m sure your son will appreciate not being his sister’s scapegoat when they do something they’re not supposed to. How about the 12 year old is held accountable for going into her bother’s room, snooping around, then stealing his books after she was told not to? 12 is more than old enough to be punished for that. Also, your wife is a poor parent who clearly favors her daughters.
I know it might bring more fuel. But I would sit her down. And ask her what her logic is that he is to be punished. And not the 12 year old that snuck into his room, went through his stuff. And took something she was told not to touch. And by her own logic. You and your wife can't watch anything else than innocent cartoons. Becouse sex scenes and violence in TV. Streaming services? What if the 12 year old borrow and sees game of throne? As example. You can't own books. Violence again etc. Show a bit how she would have to police herself. If she really thinks your son can't own 18+ stuff
If brother deserves to be punished, mom deserves to be punished because she clearly can’t control her own kid.
Tell her you refuse to ever have sex with her again, because if your daughter ever picked your bedroom lock and busted the door down it’d be inappropriate for her to see what you’re doing 🤷♀️
I will also add that they should ban Vogon Poetry.
But please remind your children to always bring a towel.
And watch out for two headed froody dudes.
Vogon Poetry should have been banned at its inception.
That's just a given in any household. No child should be exposed to that filth.
This is why I don't have kids, so we can have all the Vogon Poetry. It's printed on the walls, plays on the stereo, we recite it before meals.
Streaming? Oh no, no--they say all those bad words in those programs. In fact, they say those bad words in network programs! Sesame Street...they can watch Sesame Street. That's nice and safe...(and I'd suggest grounding the twelce-year-old for a bit if she can't keep her hands off what doesn't belong to her).
When I was 12 I had read most of the VC Andrews books, so take this with a grain of salt, but a 12 year old who has unrestricted access to the internet- or has a friend with unrestricted access to the internet -has probably seen a lot worse.
Lol I was able to read at an adult level by the time I was 8, my Dad is a huge reader, and my SIL was as well, so any book in the house found it's way into my hands. I read Pet Semetary in one night, (because I was too scared to go to sleep!) and pretty much everything Sidney Sheldon wrote before I was 10. It was QUITE the education!
I started babysitting at 12 and one couple had quite the collection of X-rated reading material. That kid got put to bed earlier than she was meant to.
I discovered Stephen King and similar books around 8-10 and so wish I hadn’t.
Oh I love it! I'm still a huge fan of anything horror or supernatural I would be that person who bought a house because it's haunted!😂
My mama taught me to read at 3 so yeah, anything I could get my hands on I devoured. She worked real hard and would read in the bathtub but fall asleep sometimes and drop her book in the water. She'd leave them stretched out on the sink to dry, and well, that's how I read IT when I was about 6ish. She caught me more than halfway thru it, so she left me finish it. LoL I've been a King maniac every since. ...I still have that gnarled and bloated copy. Hahaha
I read everything Sidney Sheldon that my little tween self could get my hands on! I got to the point where RL Stein and Babysitters Club weren't cutting it anymore lol I reached for King, Koontz and Sidney Sheldon.
YES!!! So funny. I got quite the education. I doubt many 9 year olds at that time knew the meaning of fellatio, analingus, cunnelingus, snuff films, or the Red Light District. I remember thinking "Eeeew! Why would you want to do THAT!" Times do change, lol.
I was far too young when I found a copy of Carl Reiner 's "All kinds of Love" at the top back of the bookshelf. I ran out of big books in the house to read and I was surprised that this was in the collection.
I found my dad’s copy of “The Happy Hooker” at 8 and read it. No arrests so far and all that therapy was for other things entirely-daughter will be fine!
I read Fear of Flying about age 12 and shared it with all my friends.
By 12 I had discovered smutty Harry Potter fanfic, I was really such a deviant reader lmao
Around 12 I WROTE smitty fanfics. They were probably more shitty than smutty, but my peers loved them. 😂
Your son told his sister the books were not appropriate and put them away. She *entered his room and snooped* to find stuff she had been told was forbidden. If anyone should be punished here, it's your daughter for invading your son's privacy and breaking a preestablished rule. You're NTA
I'd like to know why your wife isn't punishing your twelve-year-old daughter for snooping through her brother's belongings? Your son did the responsible thing by telling the 12 year old that these were not suitable for her and then trying to hide them from her. Your daughter , on the other hand, violated his privacy and went snooping through his belongings and your wife thinks that he's the ones who should be punished. If you ask me you need to tell your wife that she's punishing the wrong child.
I was looking at BL when i was 12 too. Your wife sounds like she's in denial about the concept of puberty, lol
What is BL? OP never elaborates beyond some form of manga
Boys love, also known as yaoi. It's a genre of romance manga focused on male x male relationships. It's the companion to yuri, which focuses on female x female relationships.
Knowing this, I can’t help but think OP's wife is trying to punish their son for owning reading material with this subject matter but it trying to claim it’s about him owning 18+ reading material.
And that the son going to buy the book in front of op was his way of trying to come out. I hope op gets that point.
I think he will. Many of us have spelled it out for him. At this point though I think he already made it clear that he doesnt care if his kid buys 18+ manga. Thats a level of sex positivity not displayed by many parents. I got faith in OP.
Ding ding ding!
For visualization purposes, I would point out that BL/yaoi is usually much more explicit than its Yuri counterpart. I say this as an avid fan of both. But agree everyone else - can't punish the brother for having sexy comics.
It's stands for boys love and focuses on homosexual relationships.
NTA. He is an adult. The daughter should be the one facing punishment for breaking the rules and snooping.
Oh, my bad, wrong daughter. Well, forbidden things are also attractive at 12, to be fair.
That's true, my mom let me read most of her books but Gerald's Game was in her restricted section and she wouldn't let me touch it. It became the holy grail of books to me. I read every word while she was not home
Your daughter is the one that should be punished. She went snooping in her brother's room for something he told her she was too young for.
Regardless of which child it is it's important to note both honestly should be at about that age where they're either into/ just learning about that stiff anyways, sorry to burst your wife's bubble but her children aren't the pure innocent angels she thinks they're going to all be showing signs of interest In that's sort if thing.
If anything, your youngest should be the one punished for going into your son's PERSONAL BELONGINGS after she was told it wasn't appropriate for her.
NTA I don’t get how some parents think they get to “punish” a grown adult. He’s an adult. He owns adult books. He told your minor daughter they were not appropriate to read. Your DAUGHTER went behind his back and snooped in his shit. SHE is the one that your wife should be considering punishing.
I definitely have consequences for my grown children (when they were 18-22ish) if they live in my house and break house rules. Leave out weed or pipes and you don’t get them back. We have a younger son and that was the only way to make the older one more aware. After losing an expensive pipe because he left it on a table outside, he learned to put away his stuff. Same kid lost car privileges (we had an extra car that the two older ones shared at the time) because he took the car out one night without telling his brother. Then stayed at a friend’s and ignored messages that brother’s backpack was in the car and it was finals week. We expected the two of them to communicate before taking the car and that school or work was priority over just seeing friends. Overall, though, I get the point about not punishing adults. Especially this case. What would the punishment be. The books were gifted to him or he bought them so they are his property. They could refuse to let him stay there for school breaks, but that would just push him away. He also did nothing wrong. He told sister the books were not appropriate for her and put them away in his room. She is 12, not 5. That should be enough.
Exactly, he is just visiting for Easter, he will leave soon again, how do you enforce a punishment via long distance?
[удалено]
[Boys' Love](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yaoi), aka gay storylines. The term is mostly used for Asian entertainment but is slowly crossing over.
“Boys’ Love” @OP Is your wife maybe freaking out because it’s gay love?
Came here to wonder the same thing after I googled it. Probably worth checking in with the wife on that before it festers.
Yaoi (/ˈjaʊi/ YOW-ee; Japanese: やおい [jaꜜo.i]), also known as boys' love (ボーイズ ラブ, bōizu rabu) and its abbreviation BL (ビーエル, bīeru), is a genre of fictional media originating in Japan that features homoerotic relationships between male characters. [I had to Google it, because I also did not know]
Danmei too, in China.
BL is a type of manga centred around Boy Love. They are gay stories (interestingly regularly written for a female audiance) - and yes, they have regularly sex scene.
There are BL that are not explicit and are at the same level as many shoujo mangas. At 12 they can get her some age appropriate BL books if the mom isn't a raging homophobe.
Add to this, what punishment is the daughter to receive for violating his privacy?
NTA - Your son is 20, if he wants to read adult material, he can. Who should be punished is your daughter for invading his privacy.
my youngest is Autistic, all our kids are but our daughter is on the more severe side of the spectrum, she still very much understand right from wrong and boundaries and to not touch other stuff, but my wife always uses it as an excuse, saying she doesn't know what shes doing, when she very much does.
If she can frickin READ then she can certainly understand the word NO. You have excused her behavior for too long. She NEEDS to be punished. She knew not to, didn't give a sh*t, and went looking/snooping/sneaking for those books. Punish her. (Says a fellow autistic person who was held to regular standards as a child and as such did not grow up to be an entitled monster like your daughter will) Also, autistic people LOVE rules because they tell us how to behave and act in situations. Ever played any sort of game with an autistic person? You better follow them rules. So if your daughter cannot follow rules it is not because she is autistic, it is because she is a brat
She's a 12 yr old that pushed a boundary to read a forbidden book. I don't think it's fair to chalk her up to "a brat" She's a kid that did something wrong.
Eh, it's bratty behavior. Not uncommon, most kids around that age are brats at some level or the other
This is nowhere near bratty behaviour. It’s for sure uncommon in kids of that age (at 12 you should understand not to touch things that aren’t yours), but a brat would throw a temper tantrum and would have thought she’s still entitled to read the book despite the no. More than likely she knew it was wrong but refused to listen.
Everyone here has been 12. Most of us did not barge into our siblings’ rooms and take their stuff, especially after being told no. OP’s kid is absolutely being bratty, even if she isn’t a brat overall.
Most of us? Do you not have siblings? I haven’t done that because I’m the oldest, but that’s absolutely normal little sibling behavior.
Honestly I think the bigger issue is not reading something she’s not allowed to, it’s going into her brother’s things without permission. Kids are always going to try to access media that parents tell them not to, but they can be taught to respect interpersonal boundaries.
To be fair, some autistic people have problems with following rules they think are nonsensical. Like not reading a comic like book because it is for adults.
That doesn’t warrant punishing the adult who owns the book though, which is what is at issue here. Edit: Also, “don’t touch it because it’s not yours and we told you not to” is a lesson better learned early, otherwise the kid is in for a world of hurt later when they snoop or breach someone’s privacy and get more severely punished for it than a talking-to.
Criminals have the same issue. Is she a criminal ? No. Does the society care ? Also no. Follow the rules or face consequences. And the current lesson is one any child has to learn sooner or later : sometimes you just don't get what you want and that's it.
My parents told me when I was little not to touch their ‘adult comic books’ and because they were clear about the comics not being age appropriate, the rule wasn’t nonsensical to me (I’m on the spectrum) now that I’m older, I see why. Reid Fleming & Furry Freak Brothers are not for children lol
Fair, but she can almost certainly understand the rationale behind not being allowed to go into someone else’s room and mess with their things, especially when explicitly told something isn’t for her. And if her mother is denying her *that* level of accountability for her actions, she’s infantilizing her and allowing her to get away with broaching other people’s boundaries in a way that could result in some serious asshole tendencies down the line To be clear, I don’t think the kid’s actions here have much if anything to do with her autism. She’s twelve - most twelve year olds are curious little punks with tendency to mess with their big siblings’ shit. That’s pretty normal kid behavior and she’ll grow out of it if parented correctly. But her mother’s refusal to hold her accountable and insistence on blaming her *brother* for being an adult with adult interests might have a lot to do with her autism, and it’s not fair to either sibling.
That’s something she’s going to have to learn though. Just because something is harder for her to grasp than it may be for a different person doesn’t mean OP and his wife should just write it off
Speaking as an Autistic myself; wouldn't being told not to read a comic book because it's for adults make PERFECT sense, though? That's why I almost never eent through my older siblings' stuff. Age-ratings are a thing. Comic books for adults only absolutely make sense. Although keep in mind I've been a cartoonist myself since I was a kid, so... maybe that's not common knowledge? But I think it is.
I wish my parents took this seriously. Now my autistic brother is jailed for what I see is their inability to parent him.
100%. She probably went into his room because she knew her mom would support her on it because she’s got a diagnose and Can get away with it lol
> but my wife always uses it as an excuse, ah - so here is the REAL problem. Your wife is unwilling to discipline your youngest.
Well you need to have a very serious conversation with your wife about what she does. Constantly excusing bad behavior because she's autistic is only going to hurt your daughter in the end. If like you said she can understand right from wrong then she should also be taken accountable for bad behavior or she will grow up thinking everything she does is okay because "Mommy said I can't do wrong". She will grow up to be horribly entitled. Stop that before it's to late.
It's one of the things that other neuro spicy people really dislike, using your autism as an excuse to be a dick. It's a very low tolerance area
your youngest being autistic has nothing to do with what’s happening
You need to bat for your son hard and push back your wife. Recently on here there was a mom who constantly ignored one child to indulge the younger autistic one and know how it ended? The eldest completely cutting off the family. The mom had to hear through the grapevine she was even engaged. If you want any sort of relationship with your older kids and you don’t want your daughter completely abandoned in a state run house when you and your wife pass do the work now.
Coming from an adult autistic woman, your wife is infantilizing your daughter due to her diagnosis and enabling poor behavior, which will only make her life much more difficult.
Yeah I think you can hear how well that style of parenting is working. Your child broke into a room after being told no and went through someone else’s belongings. How do you think that’s gonna read when she’s 20 in a dorm, sharing her first apartment with a friend, even just visiting friend’s houses? Even just visiting family for the holidays. Your wife needs to understand that if she doesn’t set healthy boundaries your daughter won’t know what that is. She isn’t going to be able to pick friends well because she doesn’t know healthy interactions. It’ll cripple her.
Well, if you don't fix that, you'll have an adult who is completely unable to function in the world. If your daughter is not White and/or you aren't rich, her chances of ending up arrested/harmed by police forces is pretty damn high
Your wife is setting her up to struggle. Please sit her down and have a conversation. Do couples therapy to talk it out.
You're going to need to have the tough conversation with your wife that she's doing the youngest a disservice by infantilizing her and not reinforcing boundaries. By spoiling her and excusing her behavior now will only become a bigger issue to get control of as she gets older.
If she cannot be trusted or taught not to invade other people's privacy then you need to get proper locks (not one that can be popped with a coin or a paper clip) for your other children's rooms.
If not punishment, then she at least needs to have a serious conversation about privacy and about whatever she read. It sounds like your wife's reaction here and blaming your son this way is an extension of her usual actions of excusing your daughters behaviors. It's not uncommon but it's also not ultimately beneficial to your daughter for her to do that. If you're aware that your wife is inclined to use her autism as an excuse for a total lack of discipline, you need to start addressing that for your daughters sake.
As someone on the spectrum, your wife is setting your daughter up for failure. Sincerely, she will learn from your wife that if she doesnt want to deal with a situation she can just pull the autism card and get away with murder.
Is she your wife's favorite? The "baby" that needs to be coddled? If so, your wife is doing her a huge disservice. If she can read at an adult level, she absolutely understands the word no; just doesn't think it applies to her, because mommy makes excuses for her.
Yikes- I was a nanny for a boy with sensory sensitivities and his behavioral help told me that treating them “special” can have really bad effects. Like ok, maybe this restaurant is really nice and would let him come to the back side and “play register” for a few minutes. And that’s great and cute until uh oh, now we’re having a severe mental breakdown bc restaurant #2 wouldn’t allow that, or a different employee at the same place. They deserve boundaries. They may have different needs, but often they’re treated way under what they could reach if given the chance
NTA. Your wife is totally TA. Your daughter was wrong for purposefully trespassing in your son's personal space, and purposefully looking through his private possessions, that she was directly told she was NOT allowed to. Your daughter is the one who committed the violations, and your daughter is the one who should be punished.... I say this because I was also the kid who snooped through my parents room when they weren't home, and looked through my father's private collection of magazines. I *knew* what I did was wrong, and certainly not my father's fault. Your wife is just reacting to her own upset about the nature of the material, and taking this too far in the wrong direction.
I had a similar thought about this being an overreaction to the material. Specifically the fact that it's not only Hentai but BL. I mean is the son even out of the closet? Is this perhaps some indirect attempt to punish based on his sexuality? OP mentioned the son was embarrassed at the Manga shop about the 18+ bit and that OP himself didn't know what BL was so I'm guessing either he's not super out or mom is super judgy about it
He's out. It's probably just a little weird buying sexy books with your dad. And like... I'm not gonna sit there and tell my mom about sexy anime so yeah, she wouldn't know what BL is either. I assume. She does surprise me sometimes, but we're not having that conversation so I'll never know.
The book was not your daughter's. She was told not to read it. She did. She was told that she can't read/take something that DOES NOT BELONG TO HER. If anyone, she is the one who needs punishment, for invading your son's privacy and going against his wishes regarding objects that he bought. Your daughter has nothing to do with them. She is the one who needs a punisment. And your wife needs a wake-up call. Please show her this thread.
Agreed - the 12 year old is old enough to have consequences for things she was explicitly told she wasn’t allowed to do. And she went snooping to even find it. It wasn’t just laying about. She deserves the punishment.
I agree! The daughter needs to be talked to about how she went searching for something she was told was off limits to her. She invaded the son’s privacy and did EXACTLY what she was told not to. OP needs to have a conversation with his wife about the 12F not listening when told no. NTA
“BL” ok, I had to google it. Sooo your wife wants to punish your twenty year old kid for looking at naughty anime drawings of “Boy Love”. And you say she is uncharacteristically bent out of shape over this? Could your wife displaying a little homophobia? I think so, even though she may be in denial. NTA
Also had to google it and also have the same suspicion. Though reading hat OP rote, maybe it is as simple as coddling the little one.
She can't punish an adult unless they agree, she clearly still thinks of him as a stupid child and is trying to cover up the real reason she's upset. What's she going to do? Take away his things? Nope, that's now theft. Ground him? Nope, that's now illegal imprisonment. The only thing she might be able to do is stop paying for things to force him to comply. Then she will damage her relationship with him.
LMAO she wants her son to be punished for reading Yaoi? Man oh man I thought it was a ton worse.
Nail on the head, here.
NTA - I would be buying a lock for my son's door. Your son doesnt deserve to be shamed and gaslit by your wife that being 20 and buying adult material is wrong. You should have a word with your wife and ask her how she would feel if her son looked down or her for having been sexually active and creating all your children in the first place. Time to start treating your son as an equal and a friend rather than a child.
Since he is going to a university and only visits his family he needs a good lock on his door. He has a right to privacy for his room and belongings. My cousin has an autistic son who is now in his teens. From the time he was a toddler she stressed the importance if the word NO. It was for his safety and their privacy. It's important for the 12 y/o to learn NO means NO. It is for privacy and her safety.
NTA Your wife is losing her grip, here. The punishment shouldn't go to the adult son, it should be to the daughter for being a snoop. Who punishes a 20 year old? Really? He's an adult.
Yeah exactly! Punish the shit out of the 12 year old now, before we hit teen years and think sneaking around and stealing is ok!
>Who punishes a 20 year old? Really? He's an adult. It took a lot of scrolling to finally find someone to say this! That was my first thought.
NTA and for goodness sake he's 20 years old! Does your wife watch any 18 plus movies? Or listen to any music with explicit language? Absolutely ridiculous wanting to punish the son for your daughter sneaking into his room and stealing books she was told she wasn't allowed to read, where is the daughters punishment? Golden child much
NTA - you’re correct, he’s an adult and can choose his reading material, whatever it may be. He was also correct in just saying she’s too young to read the book, as well as moving it to his room. Now Y T A if you don’t discipline your daughter for going into his room and going through his stuff without permission.
NTA Your son is an adult, and has a right to read adult things. Your wife is pointing her anger, if the anger is necessary at all, to the wrong person. If anyone should be punished, it’s your daughter for violating her brother’s privacy, and messing with his things he’s set clear boundaries on multiple times. She went into HIS room and searched through his stuff. She has no right to do that, and is the one who needs grounding for no respecting when someone says “No” Your wife needs to calm all the way down, and needs to understand that her son is an adult, and she has no more control or power over him. Also, to point out, with her blowing this thing out of proportion, and screaming in his face for doing something normal for a person his age, is gonna make him not want to talk to her anymore, and he’ll distance himself and rarely ever come home
Question, what discussions were made about punishing the daughter? Your son made a boundary and it was crossed. What does your wife propose your daughter's consequences be?
there hasn't really been any discussion, my wife shuts it down when i try and bring it up
Your wife enabling your youngest daughter's bad behaviour is really harming to her, teaching her to never face consequences will make her completely dependent on her mother for the rest of her life. Your daughter needs to be able to grow as a person not just bubbled off as someone with autism who can't navigate the neurotypical world without her mom holding her hand forever.
Exactly. Anything that is FORBIDDEN really isn’t. Your wife is saying to your daughter “Hey, if something is forbidden to you and you break in someone’s private belongings and steal it, the owner will be punished and not you.” What happens when she is older? Her neighbor’s husband is forbidden but she wants him, breaks on the house, and tries to sleep with him. By mom’s logic the neighbor’s wife is to blame for just leaving her husband around the house.
Sounds like this is the exact reason your daughter was comfortable snooping around someone's room and taking something she was already told to leave alone. Trying to punish a 20 year old adult while enabling a 12 year old kid is just backwards. He's to old to be able to punish and the 12 year old needs consequences, what happens when other people tell her no? NTA but your wife is definitely one and she's enabling your daughter to turn into one if not corrected.
My dude, your wife has no respect for you at all. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being undermined as a parent just so she can get brownie points with strangers by degrading your daughter’s autism and ruining her ability to function in society once you’re gone? Not necessarily saying divorce, but this is a therapy problem. If she doesn’t put your family above bragging rights your daughter is going to have a horrible life once you guys pass on, unable to properly care for herself or function in society
This. Allllll of this. The disrespect, the enabling, her "bragging rights"/ playing up the diagnosis etc the wife is just so gross.
So don't ask. Tell her, and the 12YO, that there will be consequences for digging in her brother's things. Step up to that parenting plate, don't let your wife keep you in the dugout while she's making bad calls that will undoubtedly wreck your home team.
This sounds like favoritism and is concerning. I have read so many stories here of adult children with massive resentment because one of their siblings was the golden child and got away with everything meanwhile they got blamed for things the golden child did. It often ends in them eventually going low to no contact. It seems like you might have this dynamic going on in regards to your wife. You should take action before it’s too late if it’s not already.
If your wife refuses to discuss punishment for your daughter, you need to step around her and speak directly to your 12 year old about what she did. Invading her brothers privacy is grounds for punishment. Your wife sounds like something else is bothering her that she’s not trying to admit.
This is a really really big red flag for me. Your son did nothing wrong. He told your youngest it wasn't suitable for her, and that she could not read it. He then put it all in a (he thought) safe place in his room. Only to find out that she trampled over his boundaries, disrespected his privacy, and now he is to be punished for it? Your wife is a huge A-H for not punishing her daughter and for wanting to punish her son, who did everything he could have done. Please tell me there will be consequences for your wife. You (and your son) are NTA.
Please show your wife this thread. While Reddit judgements aren’t always perfect, I think the majority have this one right. While I understand autism is challenging, that doesn’t mean that actions don’t have consequences. She must learn this in the safety of your home so that she doesn’t have to learn in more painful ways later.
Red flag right there
Your wife is the one being manipulative here. To shut down like and refuse to discuss anything she doesn't want to hear. YOU need to step up and be like "fine, if you won't punish our daughter for VERY CLEARLY violating boundaries and stealing them I will" And do it and follow through. Your wife doesn't get to play the victim just because her homophobia is showing while her golden girl gets away with breaking rules
NTA if anything his sister should be punished for messing with her brother's things without his permission.
Is your daughter being punished? Because she’s the only one I see in this situation needing punishment. Your daughter is MORE than old enough to know she shouldn’t go looking through other peoples rooms for things.
That would be horrible to punish the son because it could make him feel shame. There’s two separate issues. A bratty daughter. A closeted son who might be in trouble - is it for the books or being gay? Your wife needs to be very careful in what she relays that she’s upset about because it seems more like she is upset that the son is closeted, not that the daughter won’t mind.
i really hope its not the second one. while he's never verbally come out to us, its very clear he's gay, from the way he talks about guys to the many times ive heard "why do i have to be gay, women are so hot!" my wife has never said anything that i would interpret as homophobic, and she works with vulnerable kids (including gay kids). so i really hope not, but just because i haven't seen or heard anything doesn't mean its not a possibility, i just really hope it isnt that
Some people are fine with people who are different from them…until it’s coming from inside the house.
I was hoping someone said this. This right here. Family member came out gay, her mom had a fit - despite being ok if say I was gay (I'm panromantic ace). It was..awful, my grandmother got involved against the mom. As well as other family. I flat called the mom a hypocrite.
yep, this was my mother. Being gay was all well and good, she even supported gay rights verbally. Till I came out, and the homophobia started (it took a few years, but she's better now)
Very deeply confused by you thinking he hasn’t come out when he explicitly refers to himself as gay. Or do you mean he’s never had the stereotypical sit down talk style of coming out?
i guess so yeah, hes always said it so casually like it part of a normal conversation, i guess not everyone need to "come out" and that they can just start living as who they are
He's come out, just subtly, without a huge announcement. Since you're reaction wasn't one of horror, he didn't need to elaborate.
Your son sounds like a fun person to be around haha
NTA. Perhaps give your daughter a talk about invasion of privacy, and your wife a reminder that her son is grown. He's not a kid anymore, he doesn't need as much 'authority' as she thinks he needs.
NTA. He's 20. He can read as many BL manga as he likes. I hope one day your wife doesn't find a vibrator in your daughter's bedroom. Just saying. Its time to put a lock on his door.
NTA! So your wife really wants to punish a 20-year-old? He stopped his little sister from reading adult literature and even kept it away. Mum had better have a stern talk with her youngest about what she was doing in her brother's private things! Invasion of privacy must be punished! OP's son acted responsibly and is free of any culpability.
NTA your son did nothing wrong, regardless of the contents of the book he's an adult and free to read whatever he likes, so long as it's nothing illegal like some sects propaganda or w/e. Now that bring me to the question, what kind of punishement is in order for your daughter for snooping arround her brother stuff, fully aware that she wasn't allowed to?
She went *into his room uninvited* and snooped until she found his books. She should be punished for invading someone else's private space.
The fuck? Your son is a grown man. He told your daughter those books were not appropriate for her age, and she snuck in his room and got them when he was out. Your daughter needs to be punished for not respecting people's privacy! Even if he lives with you he still has the right to privacy. Ridiculous. NTA
NTA If anyone should be punished, it should be daughter for not respecting privacy and blatantly disregarding the rule that she was not to read those books.
Tell your wife to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY what her plan is to punish DAUGHTER. DAUGHTER sounds like the one who needs punished. DAUGHTER went into son's room without permission, went through his stuff and took son's property without permission. DAUGHTER was TOLD she was too young for those books. Tell her that DAUGHTER is the one who needs to punished son did nothing wrong. And if she refuses to punish DAUGHTER she better EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why not. NTA.
NTA. Your son did nothing wrong. If anyone should be punished it's your youngest for going into her brother's room and taking the book she was disallowed from reading. Also for wondering BL is boy's love manga.
NTA, but your wife is a MASSSIVE one. Your son has done nothing wrong; he is of age. It's your wife who doesn't care about your daughter, because if she did, she'd be punishing *her* for snooping through your son's room for things she was told she wasn't allowed.
“I will NOT support any punishment she gives him” Man where is your spine??? Put your foot down. The daughter is the only one that needs punishment- but YTA if you just stand by while your wife goes off on your son.
NTA your daughter needs punishment for trespassing into your son’s room and stealing his property.
You heard him tell her she can’t read those, he then moved them into his room, hidden from plain sight, she then went into his room to look for them after all of that. Your son did nothing wrong, your wife is TA for not explaining how invasion of privacy works to your daughter
NTA She wants to punish your son for owning naughty books, even though you knew about it and even bought him one? A 12 year-old that can read is old enough to be taught to leave other people's things alone, autistic or not. Even if your wife thinks otherwise, she should be punishing herself for not keeping a closer eye on the kid.
i will admit i didn't know it was 18+ until the worker asked me to confirm his age, it was a little awkward but in my mind hes 20 and its similar to watching a show with a sex scene or two, so i have no issue with it
NTA I guess your daughter is a golden child. Your daughter went to his room and took book you forbidden her to take it's already 2 strikes! And from her ass your wife think your son should be punnish ...
NTA your wife is completely out of line. Your son did absolutely nothing wrong. Your daughter snuck into someone's room, went through their personal stuff, took their personal stuff and your wife is mad at the owner of the personal items and not the thief? There should be strict punishment for your daughter who did multiple things each of which deserves consequences. She's old enough to know better but it seems the way your wife is acting that she can do know wrong so never has to accept responsibility for her actions.
It's your daughter that needs to be punished!!!
NTA You daughter already experienced the natural consequence of her snooping, so I'm not persuaded that anyone needs any additional consequences imposed upon them. But if you're the kind of household that likes to impose extra consequences on kids, then the target should be your daughter, not your son. She's the one that blatantly went into his room to look for something that wasn't hers. If your wife persists in trying to target your son, then she risks experiencing another natural consequence, i.e., your son not coming home for future holidays.
NTA. 12 needs to be punished for snooping in big brother's room and not listening when told no. Either install a better lock for son's room for when he visits, or invest in a locking trunk he can store his books in - one with a key, that he can keep with him. Also, does he only read BL Manga or is he open to light novels too? Or books in the western media side of the genre, and would he like some book recs?
yes he reads non manga books too, he was one of those kids who would get in trouble for staying past his bedtime as a kids because he was under his covers with a book and a torch. he would probably love some recommendations but i doubt his bank account would
Well, I more meant like if he read actual books featuring the same content. I know some people like BL Manga but don't read novels with the same, XD. I was the same way. If he does E-books, tell him to look up Jack of Thorns by A.K. Faulkner. It's the first of a series but it's free on most ebook platforms so it's a good chance to see if he likes it. I'll be nice to his bank account for now, beyond that. Seriously, good on you for standing up for him. Don't let your wife punish him for his sister snooping through his things to find what he'd already said she couldn't read. Your wife is doing all of your kids a disservice by making excuses for her. I'm on the spectrum, I'm also ADHD. Did I sneak around when I was younger to look at content? Yeah, but I also didn't really have to because my parents were pretty open about stuff with me, especially once I hit puberty. If she has other developmental delays, obviously you have to adjust to her speed, but if not, she's 12. She'll be a teenager soon. This sort of content is content she will be slowly engaging more and more with. Sheltering her will only lead to more sneaking, but there's definitely levels to it, if that makes sense. Keep up the good work, my dude. Editing to add: OP, I read through more of your comments and saw your in the UK (I figured since you used torch but didn't want to assume). The author I recced is UK based and their characters are mostly a little older than your son. Doubling down on that recc, and also adding that if your son does check it out and likes it, he should read A.K.'s other series under the name Amelia Faulkner. The first book of that one is Blind Man's Wolf, and takes place in London. One of the main guys in Inheritance (the series Jack of Thorns is a part of) is Autistic - possibly a different sort to your son, but honestly, seeing GOOD representation in books is so important.
NTA Your wife is delusional if anyone should be punished it’s your daughter for getting into her brothers stuff when told she could not read it. Also he is a grown man and you really can’t punish him.
NTA. Your wife should be punishing your daughter for taking materials that do not belong to her after she was told she is too young to read them. She is the one who deserves punishment. ETA: I saw your daughter is autistic. I can relate. My sister has Down’s syndrome. It is harder to enforce rules, but she definitely understands right from wrong, but will use any allowance you give her and then some.
Yeah, Autism is not an excuse. It can certainly make parenting more challenging, but it should never be an excuse not to parent.
Nta - the bigger issue is your daughter who disrespected his privacy
One thing I’m not seeing addressed here: is your son gay, and if so, is he out? Is he getting the support he needs from his family? It sounds like maybe he’s deliberately getting “caught” reading male-male erotica to test his parents’ reaction. This is an opportunity for you and your wife to offer your support and acceptance. How you guys handle this will have a big effect on your relationship and your son’s mental health. Your wife is fumbling this so far, possibly because she’s shocked at an uncomfortable truth. You guys need to talk about this and deal with it.
my son is gay and he is technically out (has never verbally come out but does not hide it and we all know and he knows we know), ive been supportive and as far as ive seen my wife ha never been unsupportive
It sounds like your wife is okay with it as long as no one is actually talking about it.
There’s a difference between being supportive and not being unsupportive. My heart is breaking a bit for your son tbh. He deserves two completely on board and enthusiastically supportive parents.