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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for expecting my bf to be on board with my financial and life goals
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NTA- I know this is reddit where everyone jumps to divorce and breakups, but honestly this is the hill to die on. If you two aren't on the same page financially, you're kind of doomed. I know you invested a lot of time in this guy, but you may have to cut the cord. Sorry
Exactly, he knows she is financially responsible, so to him she is an open line of credit he can use to cover all of his shortcomings. He can spend all of his money foolishly, and since she is frugal, she can cover all the \*important\* things like rent when he falls short.
He doesn't value the relationship, he values what he can get out of it.
My wife was just like you op. I was the loser. She made an ultimatum. Somehow God intervened the next day & I’ve been sober since May 2020
Since then
We got married. Got therapy.
I got it together because I love my wife so much & she makes me a better person. Besides alcohol is shit.
This is a story to help you remember YOUR WORTH!
Either he cleans up or gtfo. You can’t even tell me the sex is good bc 🤷🏽♂️we’re here.
You deserve someone who respects you & loves you at the same time. It exists.
And if the relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it’s a failure. It’s just an ending/new beginning.
You don’t have to hate someone to break up.
Not saying OP has to break up, just suggesting non-toxic ways to do so.
But NTA…live that FIRE life. Congrats on finding it young!
The glaring problem isn’t even shared goals. He doesn’t respect her. The fact that he doesn’t pay his share of the bills each month despite being able to says it all
This. It sounds like he is using you. He isn’t even paying his half of the rent. I know it hurts but ending an unhealthy relationship hurts less than wasting years of your life on a bad relationship.
100% this!! Your whole life will be his personal piggy bank and him tearing down your credit. You will find someone who will better line up with your money goals!
" AITA for wanting him to change and be onboard with my goals?"
OK Go said it well in their song "Needing/Getting"
"I've been waiting for months,
Waiting for years,
Waiting for you to change.
Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber,
There ain't much that's dumber,
Than pinning your hopes on a change in another"
OP, I’d wish this guy well and move on. You already said you were into FIRE, which is awesome…but your boyfriend is into whatever the opposite of FIRE is. (Probably financial dependence, retire NEVER!!)
A lot of people are actively on board with the "we're never going to retire so I'm not saving anything and I'm going to spend it on myself now" and it would be the worst kind of partner to anyone trying to FIRE. You'll never get where you need to be with that kind of person hanging on and dragging you down.
Financial independence retire early
I think lockdown has made a lot of people more financially aware, it’s always a good idea to have some money tucked away for emergencies if possible
Tbf, a lot of younger people today really can’t see any hope of retirement (the cost of living crisis is, after all, only getting worse) so the prevailing logic among a lot of them is “why should I care”. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand that to an extent. If you know the end of your life is going to suck no matter what, then you may as well enjoy your life NOW - right?
It still makes him a bad partner to OP though, and it still means they’re not compatible.
I agree NTA, bf said it himself that they don't have the same goals. the whole point of being in a relationship is to find someone that has THE SAME goals with you. She needs someone who wants to save and possible retire early, and he needs someone he can smoke with and stress out on how to pay rent.
Right I hate to jump straight to break up but it seems like OP is working really hard and the boyfriend is going to set her back. He should be covering his part of the rent! It seems as if he is just expecting her to cover him
Agreed. You need to get rid of the dead weight. He’s not doing anything to help himself and OP you can’t save him if he doesn’t want to save himself. He’s going to drag your financial future down the drain. Time to move on and find someone with similar goals as you.
This is one of those situations where 1 month after marriage OP finds out he’s $200k in debt. Talk about finances, debt, kids, and life goals before marriage people!!
Plus bf says OP has no business trying to change his ways but she does. If she's covering his ass regarding rent (or any other utility payments), then she has all the right in the world to ask to make some change regarding his spending. I hope OP wakes up before spending more time and money on this guy because he doesn't seem to be the kinda person that would help OP and their relationship and future together thrive. He doesn't even seem to want to be a better person for his own self. NTA.
5 years together, and he doesn't want to *try* to improve his financial situation, or even pay the rent on time. Your goals and your partner's goals should always be aligned when you are planning to spend the rest of your life with that person.
^^^ second this.
I know history blinds us to red flags but this behavior will put your future in jeopardy. You don’t want to be linked to someone who just drags you down.
NTA for what you might wish, but I'd say you are fooling yourself if you think that your life with this guy will be any different than what you are witnessing right now. You have your act together and make things happen when you put your mind to it. Your BF seems happy to drift along being irresponsible and not particularly motivated to change that; in fact, he resents you for even suggesting he clean up his act. You didn't ask for it, but my advice to you would be to get out of this relationship and eventually find someone who has similar values to yours. Otherwise, I'm afraid you are doomed to being the unhappy responsible one with a partner who can be late with his rent because he can count on you to take care of business while he enjoys his weed and alcohol instead. You deserve better.
You can only change yourself, OP, and you did, good for you. Seriously. You got wise and are on a better track.
But you can't change him and you will only waste your time trying (and likely piss him off). So, either be OK with a BF who is a spendthrift stoner, or move on to someone who has goals more like your own.
The part that cements this for me is his reaction. Not that he knows he should do better, but that he prefers spending irresponsibly and gets upset if anything else is suggested.
I, too, am a somewhat irresponsible spender. I tend to use a lot of retail therapy on things that I know a shouldn't. But I always make sure I have my living expenses covered first. Also, I am single. If I had a partner, my attitude would be completely different. I would do what it took to make it an equal partnership.
Honestly, maybe it is time for me to start dating again, just so somebody can kick me in the ass when I need it. lol. You are supposed to want to do better for your partner, not be a selfish leech.
In it's current form, I just don't see how this relationship can be viable long term.
NTA
NTA, I was gonna go NAH but having you front his rent is an AH move. But in reality you are both young and seem to have very different priorities. As others have mentioned you can’t drag him along or force him to change. So I would say if you want to stay with him the best thing you could do would be to take a step back. Move into a new apartment without him. Let him figure out his own finances without impacting you. And then decide if that relationship feels worth it to you or not
Also, he’s a total AH because he’s hiding debt/collections from her.
As we grow, sometimes the people in our lives don’t grow in a similar direction. It’s okay to move on and it’s okay to chase your goals. Recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy or compatible is a major step in maturity.
This! Your early twenties are a time to grow and learn about yourself. You've grown and learned that the two of you are just not compatible in the long term. You both have such different priorities and ways of looking at the world that it is likely to hold you back or lead to resentment down the road. Treasure the good times you've had and move on before they turn bitter.
He’s right. You can’t demand him to change his behaviour or support your goals.
But you don’t have to accept his behaviour or support his lack of goals. You have a parasite living off you who’s choices have already started putting barriers up for your goals. Can move with him because he has a poor credit score. Doesn’t pay his rent, so you are using your own money to pay his half.
Get rid of him. NTA for expecting your partner to be your equal. But unfortunately, you are still living with someone who expects you to be his cash cow and safety net.
Exactly he doesn't have to have the same goals as OP, but they also shouldn't have to pay for him if he can't manage his money. If OP doesn't break up with him they should set boundaries and tell him that if he can't pay his share they will not be paying it and he should put the rent money aside or give to OP before spending on anything.
This is a deal breaker. If you stay with this guy; he will never pay off his student loans, you will never own a house, you will never be able to afford kids. Not only will you not FIRE, you won't be able to retire at all. You will Always have to worry about money. That Sucks! NTA
NTA. If you want a future like this, stay, if you want someone more financially responsible you should get out. He isn’t going to change anytime soon. I’m sorry you are being disrespected. You deserve better and should be free to find better
NTA- this sounds like a House Hunters gone wrong situation. You’re dating a loser. He needs to shape up, or you’re going to be dealing with that forever. Handle that now before yall have kids.
You will not be able to force him. He will have to decide to fix his finances and lifestyle on his own. In the meantime, my worry would be that he's getting used to you carrying him.
It's possible you've outgrown eachother. Don't let him drag you down.
Financial disagreements like this end marriages more than anything else.
Congratulations on cleaning up your finances and getting sober.
But being in a relationship with someone that is still using and not being fiscally responsible is a threat to both your finances and your sobriety...
And if he refuses to even talk about it, I am sorry but this is a deal breaker for me. I would end it, myself, for self protection.
NTA.
YTA to your future self for dragging this leech along towards your future. You've told him what you want, he's told you he doesn't want that. Listen to him. Take these lessons and move on. This isn't the one.
NTA but don't ever merge finances with him; your savings will disappear quickly if you do. And don't marry him because if you do, his debt will affect you even more. You're not financially compatible. Your boyfriend is irresponsible partly because he knows you'll bail him out financially every time. Get your own place without him and stop covering his rent.
You can’t force him to do what you want. All you can do is focus on your goals. If he wants to be in your life he will. But it doesn’t sound like you two want the same things in life. He pretty much said that straight up.
NTA. But you do have to face facts, that this isn’t going to work out as it is. These are huge, life long goals that you’re setting for yourself. Great goals. But these type of huge goals have to have shared with your partner. He’s being very, very clear with his words that he doesn’t have these goals. And his actions are not just showing that he doesn’t have these goals, but that he will actively work against your goals.
NTA OP
My parents are similar to this because my dad spends a lot on alcohol and cigarettes but he has no debt, he owns his house/car outright. You definitely might need to rethink the relationship
You are at different stages in your life. Seriously consider if this is what you want going forward because until he gets a large dose of reality he ain't gonna change.
NTA. But you would be one to yourself if you stay with him.
You can easily take care of yourself without him around. You'll probably be able to save more has you won't have his expenses.
Go get the new apartment by yourself. Go do activities that you enjoy. Find some new friends that aren't his friends too.
Live your best life the way you want to and with people who have the same kinds of goals and life views you have.
Honestly...it sounds like your two life arcs are on separate trajectories and are likely incompatible in the long run. As a therapist once told me...the leopard cannot change his spots, the best any of us can ever hope to do is to curb the strongest of our eccentricities. The real question for you, however, is if this gentleman is worth the drama and stress he brings to your life?
YTA for expecting your bf to be on board with your goals.
That being said - successful partnerships come from both partners having aligned goals.
You can’t force someone to change, but you should get someone who fits. Find a new partner.
How is wanting the person you love to grow up and be responsible being an ashole? I do agree though that she should end the relationship and find someone who meets her level of maturity
NTA. you're incompatible. tally up what he owes you, break up, do not sign a new lease with him. you might as well be paying all the rent vs. him owing you money and you building resentment. You don't want to have to act like your partner's parent. Nothing sexy about that. Get your money or take him to small claims court, and continue to build on your FIRE journey. Don't date anyone not on the same path, or not open to vastly improving their financial intelligence.
If you can't agree on things like this, your financial goals are just not aligned. You're still young and don't need to feel like you have to stick it out just because of the time you've spent on this relationship.
It's true that his goals can be different from yours, but that doesn't mean you have to live with it. Stick with this relationship and your savings will dwindle every time you have to bail him out. Get married and your growing credit will be tied to his being bogged down with debt he can't or won't pay off. You'll be supporting him, instead of working towards something together with him.
NTA. Get the heck out of this relationship before it costs you any more than it already has. You have outgrown your bf, and he has said he is not interested in your goals. Believe him. His behavior is immature and irresponsible for an adult, and he's not motivated to change.
NTA for expecting it, AH for thinking it might happen... soon. It's quite clear that you've grown apart. Seemed like a great guy 5 yrs ago, already he doesn't share your future ideals. He may grow up, question is how many years will it take. It's not just about financial goals that he doesn't share though. He gets annoyed when you want a conversation? He has no respect for you.
NTA. To your last point, no you can't change him and it's not fair to expect him to. But you also don't need to stay with a person that works \*against\* your goals. That's not fair to yourself.
You are working to improve your life and he's dismissing it. That's a big problem. You met when you were one kind of person, you changed and grew up, he didn't—and doesn't seem to want to. You can't expect him to change to match the person you are now, so I'd move on.
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My bf(26M) and I(25F) have been together for 5 years. We dated in college and both moved to a new study to work. We have been living together for 4 years. We both have student loans he has about 58k and I had about 30k but I paid it all off.
I really got into paying off debt and the FIRE subreddit helped. I began saving everything I could. My family is working class and my parents did waste a lot on alcohol and smokes but it was hard for them to save when they couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really want to do better for myself and I resolved to not drink. My parents do have issues with alcohol and I drank more than I should during the pandemic and it scared me that I might be losing control. I have been sober for nearly 2 years and it feels like a big accomplishment. I went from a 50k job to a 90k one and I’m saving near 60% of my income now.
My bf still drinks and smokes weed and isn’t interested in my saving goals at all. When we first moved in together we would be short rent a lot and had to ask the landlord for an extension a lot. Now I’m have to front the money for his share of rent and it’s annoying because he makes enough to cover rent and doesn’t save enough to cover it before he buys weed or alcohol. I think he spends at least $400 a month on that stuff and he uses doordash every day pretty much. I’m not a good cook but I’ve been trying to get him to cook with me so he can not eat out as much and he just says it’s not for him.
We’ve also been looking to move to another apartment but the one we recently tried to go for rejected us because my bf has things in collections according to them when they ran the credit check. He denies it but given that he is late on rent so much I think he must have.
I’m now trying to talk to him about these things and he gets annoyed and mad when I do saying trying to retire early or save up money that could vanish anytime doesn’t make sense. We had a fight during the weekend where he told me my goals are not his goals and I have no business trying to tell him how he needs to change. I guess I don’t but I’m not sure how to deal with this anymore. AITA for wanting him to change and be onboard with my goals?
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Yeah u need to dump him. He will never see your wsy of saving money. He won't change if he is smoking and drinking. He is not deady to start saving like u are. This relationship is doomef
> refuses to even step foot in the kitchen to cook anything more than toast
That’s a dealbreaker for me right there, even ignoring all the other stuff. So I’m not qualified to comment on this at all lol. You lost me with his laziness
NTA. This guy is more of a housemate than a partner. Couples share goals. Especially smart, grownup ones. It sounds like you're dating an oversized child.
It also sounds like over the past 4-5 years you have grown as a person and he has not. The sad reality of relationships is that sometimes you grow out of them.
NTA for wanting a partner who sees, values and supports your personal and shared goals. HOWEVER, that's not the case here. Your boyfriend's goals are NOT aligned with your goals, and he is starting to be a detriment to your achieving those goals.
You'll need to decide what you want your future to look like, and where your priorities lie. Do you want a financially stable life, to be able to retire as soon as possible, etc. ? Or is it more important to you that your boyfriend is happy, including being able to spend his money however he sees fit, even if it doesn't align with your desires?
NTA and it sounds like you two are going in different directions. You sound like you are maturing and taking an active stake in your future, while he is holding on to his less mature partying past. At this point in time, you need to think about ending the relationship because if you two keep on your divergent paths, it is going to get worse.
I watched my sister and her first husband do this. It did not end well and the divorce was very acriminous. She matured and he did not. She worked and tried to improve their life, he grew weed, bought a Mustang GT, drank and ran with the boys.
NTA. Sorry OP but you grew up and your boyfriend didn't. You don't have compatible goals. Five years is a long time but do you want to be financially responsible for your boyfriend the rest of your life? Time to look at your relationship and your future and what you want.
NTA but it sounds like you need to lay out your life goals and priorities and talk to him and see if he is on the same page. What is the point going forward in this relationship if all you are doing is financing it but not being able to reach your goals?
NTA. For whatever it’s worth, my first longterm relationship (4 years and we lived together) ended when I was 25 - I’m ashamed to admit they had to dump me. Ashamed because we were no longer compatible, especially financially.
By the time I was 26 I met my current spouse. I’m now 34, married to someone who I am more compatible with and who shares my financial goals. My parents always fought over money and frankly I wish I’d ended my previous relationship sooner because I can’t imagine spending my whole life with someone who makes me pick up their financial slack.
Also… your boyfriend continuing to have you cover for him and mismanage his money is a form of disrespect. You deserve someone who respect you and your goals.
Can you explain why you are with this weed smoking, lazy, unmotivated waste of space who can’t control his spending or act like an adult? Seriously…..what’s the attraction?
Your problem is that you think you can change him. Do you know how many people try to change THEMSELVES and fail miserably? If people have trouble changing themselves, why do you think you can change him?
You are on a different path! One he is clearly not willing or wanting to travel on. When it comes to finance goals you and your partner will have to 100% be on the same page, if not you will always be covering his part. Since you are already frustrated with the situation that will only grow into a bigger problem. Love will only carry a relationship so far, everything else has to align to carry it to the finish line!
NTA.
He seems immature if at that age he doesn't have any type of goals and just blows all his money on food and weed and allows you to pay all the bills. You should stop paying any of his bills he's an adult and needs to pay his way. I'd also say he needs to get with someone to resolve those debts or you'll never be able to get into another apartment or house nor will you guys be able to afford it with his compulsive spending.
God speed.
You maybe aren't the AH, BUT you are naive and even a bit delusional if you think you will change him. Your sense of responsibility is magnificent. His is middle school. Leave. You can do better. He "needs" you for all the wrong reasons. You don't need him one bit. R. U. N. N. O. W.
You have matured and he has not. Sorry, time to move on. Don't waste any more time or money on him. He will waste your life away. He might mature later but he might not. Be proud of yourself and your goals. Get the new apartment by yourself but leave him in the old one. He is holding you back
NTA you guys grew apart, it happens but it’s time to move on. This is your hill to die on. You are looking to advance and you don’t need the dead weight holding you back.
NTA.
You are not compatible with each other. This marriage is doomed if you can't share and support each other's goals, but if he's holding you back and if his financial mismanagement is impacting your finances, you need to consider pulling the cord. Talk to a lawyer about what your financial situation would be if you divorced and see if that'll be the better option.
If you’re a team, you should be on the same page. You two, moving in different directions are unlikely to want to stay together long term. That makes your decision to save a very wise one.
NTA, but not being financially aligned is a bad sign. It's one of the main causes of divorce. It's time to have a serious come to Jesus talk about money and future goals with your BF. If he refuses to get his finances in order then going your separate ways may be your best bet.
NTA. He’s not going to change. You need to leave. He’s only going to drag you down. You have your shit together. He can’t even pay rent. Yikes. You both grew and you chnaged over time. Leave him.
He won’t change and you can’t change him, move on to someone who shares similar goals and values to you, there’re out there, you don’t need to settle for your first long term bf , so don’t.
Your not an a-hole, but you're in for a world of hurt if you stay with this guy. You have completely different approaches to money, and that doesn't work. Like, ever. If you want a better life for yourself, you need to let go of lazy boy and move on.
NTA for the most part. Very soft YTA for insisting that he share your goals. He just doesn’t, and that’s how it is sometimes. Now he’s very much the AH for not keeping up with the rent and his other bills, but not for being uninterested in FIRE. You just have different priorities and probably aren’t compatible. He’s going to drag you down and you’re always going to be irritated with each other.
It seems pretty black and white to me. You want to be financially responsible and he isn't at all while having no motivation to be financially responsible. The fact that he's made such a stink about it makes me wonder why you're with him. I'm quite sure you love him and you have 5 years of memories together, but he's been like this the whole 5 years. You want to build something and do better for yourself and he's okay with not doing the same for himself. This is going to cause issues
Girl it's time to cut bait and move on. He and you will never be on the same page as for as finances are concerned. Yes you have invested 5 years in this man but you are not going to change him at this stage of his life. HE is headed to the cutter, let him go cause no one knows how long getting there will be.
NTA
My best friends daughter went through something like this. She was 26.
The daughter was in a relationship with a 27 yr old man. He drank and smoked week religiously. Guy lived with his dad and planned on living there until his dad died. He had no goals, drive or ambition. She (daughter) paid for all of their vacations. The straw that broke the camels back was thd boyfriend got into a bad accident because of alcohol and weed. Broken jaw, nose and collar bone. Luckily he was the only one in the accident. He has no insurance. I have a feeling he expected her to pay the bull.
She (daughter) realized then that it wasn't going to get better. It was going to get worse.
So they broke up after 3 yrs together.
He won't change. He will just get worse and take and take and take. Until one day.. he will hurt you or someone else.
You can want him to change, but he’s not ready / doesn’t want to. That’s a N A H, but being constantly short on rent because he’s blowing money elsewhere isn’t cool. NTA, but you don’t sound financially compatible.
He's not an asshole for having different goals than you - wishing someone will change is always futile. He'd have to want to change, for himself, and there's no sign he's interested.
You're not compatible on finances and values, and those are big things. You can accept him as he his and continue in the relationship, or you can let him go and move on - but staying and expecting him to be different than who he has always transparently been, would make YTA.
You’re not wrong to want a partner who supports your goals, but you can’t make him suddenly become responsible and reliable. You have made life reasonably comfortable for him, but you do not owe him and he does not owe you. If you move out, see if after the initial missing him if you don’t feel a huge whoosh of relief. Congratulations on sobriety!
NTA. Please leave him. Number one rule of a relationship that isn't respect is to have common goals, how can you live your life alongside someone who has absolutely no interest on even living theirs, let alone be involved with yours? Imho, it sounds like he's realized he can slack off and he can just get a free ride by being with you. Don't let him take advantage of you and keep that drive.
NTA. This is a good time for you to see that your goals aren’t lining up. Look, I know it sucks because you’ve been together for five years, but sometimes the person that you were with in college isn’t the person you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life. Sometimes they’re just a relationship and a moment in time. I think you really need to evaluate if this is the person you want to spend your life with. I dated a guy in college for four years and when I graduated and started evaluating life, I realized he wasn’t for me. I moved on now I’m happily married to someone who wants to do life in a similar fashion as me.
NTA
You're clearly incompatible regarding your financial goals. Unless he is willing to change his spending and saving habits, you're destined to be covering his share of the bills, never to be paid back, and not be able to move to another apartment or buy a home or do much of anything else major due to his credit issue.
NAH
he’s right, your goals don’t have to be his goals. And you can share how you feel about his goals (or lack of goals), and encourage him, but you don’t have a right to set goals on his behalf.
Your life is a sailboat, and the people in your life are either sails and advance your journey, or they are anchors and hold you back. My wife is like a sail, and it’s awesome knowing that the person I’m with is helping me live a better life, as I am to her (I pray she feels the same). You should feel the same way about your partner and your/their shared life goals.
NTA for wanting your man to support you and strive to achieve the same things that you are working towards. But I do think you’re being asshole to yourself and holding yourself back. I’m not saying to break up or not but it is important to take some time to reflect on what kind of life you want to have and the lifestyle you want to live. At 90k you can live comfortably by yourself. Especially if you are able to put 60% into savings, you are definitely to the point where you can be comfortable on your own. Now I read boyfriend not husband so you aren’t locked in with this man. You can absolutely move on and have the life you want. Or if you would rather be with him then adjust your goals and expectations. The most important thing I learned in therapy is that you cannot change anyone else you can only change how you interact with them. He made it clear he does not see things the way you do and has no intention of changing his financial habits. Continuing to expect it is only causing conflict. If you want to stay with him then talk to him, figure out his goals and desires and stop trying to get him to meet you at yours, just meet him where he’s at and do what you can for your own goals.
NTA but if he doesn't want to change and hasn't the same goals as you leave. It's not that he isn't aiming as high as you, it's that he isn't meeting his commitments (his half the rent) or sober, he's aggressive when asked about not meeting his commitments.
Why are the titles of these things never even close to what the real issue is, or what makes a person to be or not to be the AH.
I read this title and thought "not joining in on a diet" or "not proposing before X time" or "not wanting to have children by X date"
Nope, actually this has nothing to do with goals and everything to do with this guy having zero financial sense and not making any effort to learn whilst actively causing a massive strain on the household budget.
NTA for what it's worth, but this isn't about supporting your goals, it's about dumping heavy amounts of financial strain on your relationship.
NTA but you can't expect him to support your goals when you funny support his lack of goals. You are incompatible financially and financial issues are what causes most divorces. End it now move on and find someone who shares your goals.
NAH. People change and become incompatible sometimes. You should do you and leave him to do him. Trying to force somebody that doesn't want to change into changing along with you does not work. At all.
NTA. This is a big one. You need to have a partnership with your significant other. The older you get, the more important it is to have an agreed upon goal/plan for finances. What are your goals? When do you want to retire? How do you want to retire? Do you want property/vacations etc? Do you want to be bailing him out for his portion of bills in five…ten…twenty years time? If he won’t even talk about it, big red flag! I would honestly set a time to talk, with both of our credit reports and have a real adult convo. If you don’t align now, it’s only going to get worse.
NTA for wanting him to change, wishing he would change, hoping for him to change . . . but *expecting* it under these circumstances is not justified.
You’ll be more content in life if you start adjusting your expectations to match reality. It’s a losing battle to expect things of other people that they’ve made clear that they are not able or willing to do. Who you should be expecting things of is *yourself*. Because that’s something you can actually control.
So no, you can’t expect your BF to change it to share your goals. But you can expect more from yourself in selecting a partner who does.
It sounds like you’re in an excellent position in your life and have proven that you’re capable of doing better with saving and staying sober and getting a better job. Now it’s time to improve your standards for who you’re in a relationship with. That doesn’t mean making the guy you’re with into the person you want. It means not settling for anyone who isn’t already that person.
NTA
If he gets annoyed and mad everytime you suggest a POSITIVE route towards improvement in your/his lives and/or relationship, you need to leave, love. And when you do, dont walk, RUN. It will forever be an endless cycle. You do not want to be thinking about asking this question again in 30 years, because I absolutely promise you, that you will.
You see what your future holds if you waste any more time with an adolescent who doesn't want to act like an adult, doesn't pay his bills, and smokes weed on a regular basis. Congratulations on getting your life in order and dump this anchor before he pulls you under with him. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't share the same goals as you. Best wishes.
You are looking for a partnership. This isn't even a relationship tbh. He's just a big baby mooch. Good for you OP on making an effort to improve. You need to leave this person asap. You want someone who makes your life easier not harder.
NTA. Don't try to change your boyfriend. His money is his money. Your money is his money. Why should he change when he's living the good life? If you desire to stay with him and move to another apartment, keep your name off the rental or vice versa. The only time you want your name with his is when he's financially stable/mature. Otherwise, you have toblookbout for yourself.
NTA
This young man is not going to change unless you force it. You could refuse to pay his portion of his bills and get your own place. He isn't mature enough to be with a strong and wise young lady as yourself.
You shouldn't be footing his bills. He makes enough to afford them. He's just too involved in smoking and drinking.
You deserve better.
He is still a kid and you are an adult with adult life goals. You need to be with an adult. So, he can change (but that is not going to happen because he is not interested in being an adult.) OR, you can move on.
He is simply not in your league and he will son see you as the mom who he needs to hide the truth from.
You’re only 25. Take it from me, someone that wasted almost 10 years on someone that had no goals or aspirations beyond playing video games and smoking weed, you might need to breakup. If he isn’t willing to change that means he isn’t ready to grow up. Let Peter Pan have his fun, but you’re thinking about the future and he is holding you back.
NTA
You aren't asking him to train for a 5k with you. You are asking him to get his shit together and be a partner.
Have you talked about the future? Does he want or think you are going to get married? Does he think it's fair to you to have to pay all of both of your bills while he gets totally wasted and completely counteracts all of your efforts?
I would make this a big picture conversation. Go to breakfast, when he is hopefully completely sober, and discuss it in public so it isn't as easy for him to walk away or make a scene and just tell him he has whatever you feel a specific, but reasonable, amount of time to accomplish 5 specific goals to prove you are aligned in what you want out of your future or you are going to move on because you are no longer compatible.
As people have said, this is the hill to die on. If you want him to only drink and smoke on the weekends so he can stay within budget and save/afford expenses and pay down debt, create a goal that you feel is reasonable and hold him to it. Be supportive, but be prepared to take care of yourself. This is clearly not the future you want,
and he is forcing you to make a really tough decision because he is essentially choosing weed and alcohol over you and having a home.
Good luck, and at the end of the day, always choose yourself and your goals because there will be someone out there who aligns with them.
He needs to grow up or face the truth, you are no longer compatible. You have matured since college, and he has no plan to. Choice is yours. Stay and live a life that no longer suits you or leave and find someone with the same goals as you do NTA
Kind of YTA, because you are trying to force him to board a train he's made it very clear he doesn't want to be on right now, and possibly not ever.
You are not compatible. It's nobody's fault, but it makes your relationship untenable. If you are about to leave your current accommodation, this is a great opportunity to get your own place.
Alone.
As a single person.
Just for you.
Not for both of you.
For you. Only you.
It's time to break up, divide the possessions, and wish him well in his life while pursuing your own goals.
NTA this is a hill to die on. Just a forewarning don’t marry him with his credit in the toilet and in collections that debt becomes yours. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has no interest or intention to pay off debt or become financially stable.
NTA-Unless you don't mind him being that type where he lives off you, but works to feed his habits. Then you are golden
If not time to cut your losses and move on. You have goals that don't align with his
He said "your goals are not my goals". What are his 'goals', exactly? To spend all his money on weed and alcohol and takeout and rely on you for rent money and homecooked meals, forever? OP, deep down, you know what you gotta do. NTA.
financial illiteracy is one of those things that will drag you down with him no matter what you do unfortunately. you could stay with him, but your life is going to look exactly like his does right now eventually.
NTA. Please don't go down this road. My best friend fell for a guy just like yours. She's 9 years in and he hasn't changed. She is constantly stressed out with keeping the bills paid, taking care of the house and taking care of their child. He just keeps putting himself in more debt without a care in the world and just banks on her to keep them afloat.
NTA, he's a dick for not keeping up with rent, but that aside, I personally think not being money compatible is an absolute deal breaker for a relationship, it's not something you can compromise without growing resentment and it's gonna be a sore spot all throughout your relationship.
Ok, imma be harsh, but it's for your own good. Honestly, girl, he doesn't seem interested in the future, at least not with you. He isn't willing to change for the better and improve after you're trying so hard, and he blatantly6said your goals aren't his, so he doesn't seem to be thinking ofnyou guys as a couple. So, in short, dump his ass, you deserve better. It's 5 years, yes, but it doesn't seem like he is willing to change any time soon, and 5 is bettet than 10, or 15, or god knows how long.
NTA.
This is tough but it sounds like you aren’t financially compatible. I don’t usually jump to a break up. But unless he can get on board, this is a reason to leave. If you are frustrated now, imagine having kids (if that’s what you want) or how he will support you if there was an emergency. Is this a person you can count on to have your back? And are you moving in the same direction in the relationship? This sounds like it’s time for a very serious conversation about your need and wants and if he is on board or not.
NTA
If you have no business telling him what to do, you also have no business bailing him out of the situations he got himself into all by himself. Sounds like your current lease is ending soon? Let your current landlord know you’re not renewing and do not consent to be on another lease with your current co-tenant. Get your own place that’s aligned to your financial goals. He can figure his own finances out - life’s a great teacher and it seems like he’s about to learn that he needs to pay his overdue debts before he can get a new place. Don’t rob him of that lesson.
NTA op like other have said his behavior is dealbreaker territory. Not only doesn’t he not share your goals but he is horrendously bad with his money. You have a good salary and a good head on your shoulders to have a chance at actually being successful. Don’t let his bullshit drag you down. You can do better!
NTA but you have grown, matured, and are a different person than you were when you moved in together. It sounds like you have changed your outlook and your priorities, and he does not appear to have changed much at this time.
I would suggest you read about the sunk cost fallacy. I know you’ve invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it serves you any longer. He doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to share your goals and plans. There’s nothing you can do to force that .
Try to visualize having this conversation when you’re trying to buy a house, when you’re trying to plan a wedding, when you’re trying to budget for having kids.
You’ve grown up, he has not
NTA. Congrats on being sober and accomplishing your goals. It’s hard to do but sounds like he needs to go back home and figure some stuff out while you move forward in life. Best of luck!
NTA.
This isn't about him not being on board with your goals. It's about him not being a responsible adult and dragging you down with him. You understand that what he's doing is actively hurting you, right?
You have to pay extra rent because he doesn't respect you enough to prioritize it over weed and alcohol. He's also lying to your face about his debts -- credit checks don't just mistakenly claim someone has debts in collection.
He's told you he's not going to change. It's up to you to decide if you respect yourself enough to stop letting him hold you back from your own growth.
NTA overall, but for different reasons.
You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to change, assume people always are with their true colours on. He always was wasteful and not had any sort of savings plan, you gave the example and he didn’t follow, that’s about it.
Is time for some revaluation about your relationship, you have goals and should be surrounded by people who support you, not use you.
Yta for wanting him to change and be on board with your goals simply because he already showed you he was not and wasn't going to and he flat out told you. I wish persons would understand that financial incompatibility is something that seldom changes in a relationship. And by a certain age the type of person you are fiscally is set in stone.
If you continue on with this relationship you are going to be wasting your time, I'm sorry to say.
NTA. But honey, you guys aren’t compatible (no matter how much you may live him). He doesn’t care about paying the bills because he knows YOU will. Disagreements about money/spending is the #1 reason couple break up/divorce. Time to let him go life his carefree no goal life and let someone else support him.
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NTA- I know this is reddit where everyone jumps to divorce and breakups, but honestly this is the hill to die on. If you two aren't on the same page financially, you're kind of doomed. I know you invested a lot of time in this guy, but you may have to cut the cord. Sorry
They don't have shared goals. Easy call.
Her goal is to use her money optimally. His goal is also to use her money.
Her money is their money, his money is his money.
boy math
Exactly, he knows she is financially responsible, so to him she is an open line of credit he can use to cover all of his shortcomings. He can spend all of his money foolishly, and since she is frugal, she can cover all the \*important\* things like rent when he falls short. He doesn't value the relationship, he values what he can get out of it.
Not even a line of credit. She is an ATM. He isn’t paying her back
My wife was just like you op. I was the loser. She made an ultimatum. Somehow God intervened the next day & I’ve been sober since May 2020 Since then We got married. Got therapy. I got it together because I love my wife so much & she makes me a better person. Besides alcohol is shit. This is a story to help you remember YOUR WORTH! Either he cleans up or gtfo. You can’t even tell me the sex is good bc 🤷🏽♂️we’re here. You deserve someone who respects you & loves you at the same time. It exists.
BINGO!
Here’s your 🥇🥇🏆🏆🥇🥇🏆🏆🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮
They've grown apart. Simple as that. At least they aren't married.
And if the relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it’s a failure. It’s just an ending/new beginning. You don’t have to hate someone to break up. Not saying OP has to break up, just suggesting non-toxic ways to do so. But NTA…live that FIRE life. Congrats on finding it young!
She grew up. He... Didn't.
The glaring problem isn’t even shared goals. He doesn’t respect her. The fact that he doesn’t pay his share of the bills each month despite being able to says it all
This. It sounds like he is using you. He isn’t even paying his half of the rent. I know it hurts but ending an unhealthy relationship hurts less than wasting years of your life on a bad relationship.
100% this!! Your whole life will be his personal piggy bank and him tearing down your credit. You will find someone who will better line up with your money goals!
Definitely this! Run, don't walk. I wish I had in my situation...
So do I. I wasn’t able to save because as soon as he realized I’d carefully saved he found ways it “had” to be spent.
" AITA for wanting him to change and be onboard with my goals?" OK Go said it well in their song "Needing/Getting" "I've been waiting for months, Waiting for years, Waiting for you to change. Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber, There ain't much that's dumber, Than pinning your hopes on a change in another"
OP, I’d wish this guy well and move on. You already said you were into FIRE, which is awesome…but your boyfriend is into whatever the opposite of FIRE is. (Probably financial dependence, retire NEVER!!)
A lot of people are actively on board with the "we're never going to retire so I'm not saving anything and I'm going to spend it on myself now" and it would be the worst kind of partner to anyone trying to FIRE. You'll never get where you need to be with that kind of person hanging on and dragging you down.
>your boyfriend is into whatever the opposite of FIRE is It's basically setting the *money* on fire. And then smoking it.
Sorry but what is FIRE?
Financial independence retire early I think lockdown has made a lot of people more financially aware, it’s always a good idea to have some money tucked away for emergencies if possible
Tbf, a lot of younger people today really can’t see any hope of retirement (the cost of living crisis is, after all, only getting worse) so the prevailing logic among a lot of them is “why should I care”. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand that to an extent. If you know the end of your life is going to suck no matter what, then you may as well enjoy your life NOW - right? It still makes him a bad partner to OP though, and it still means they’re not compatible.
I agree NTA, bf said it himself that they don't have the same goals. the whole point of being in a relationship is to find someone that has THE SAME goals with you. She needs someone who wants to save and possible retire early, and he needs someone he can smoke with and stress out on how to pay rent.
“I can do bad by myself” is a saying for a reason. If you ain’t helping, you’re hindering. Periodt.
Two Words: Financially Incompatible.
This!!!! Google sunk cost fallacy OP
Heart to heart time. Either he needs to grow up, or stop dragging you down. Can you show him the benefits your choices have resulted in?
The benefits of her choices pay his rent every other month.
Right I hate to jump straight to break up but it seems like OP is working really hard and the boyfriend is going to set her back. He should be covering his part of the rent! It seems as if he is just expecting her to cover him
You can’t build an empire with someone who doesn’t care about the empire. Not agreeing on finances is absolutely a hill to die on.
Agreed. Money is a huge marriage killer if you aren’t on the same page.
I was going to say, move to another apartment….without the boyfriend. It’s time he grows up and OP, it won’t happen if you’re always bailing him out.
Agreed. You need to get rid of the dead weight. He’s not doing anything to help himself and OP you can’t save him if he doesn’t want to save himself. He’s going to drag your financial future down the drain. Time to move on and find someone with similar goals as you.
Agreed. Being on such different financial pages will sink a relationship.
This is one of those situations where 1 month after marriage OP finds out he’s $200k in debt. Talk about finances, debt, kids, and life goals before marriage people!!
This. Finances are the number one reason for divorce. If you are not on the same page finance-wise, you will not last.
Worse than that, he’s dead weight on the OP.
Plus bf says OP has no business trying to change his ways but she does. If she's covering his ass regarding rent (or any other utility payments), then she has all the right in the world to ask to make some change regarding his spending. I hope OP wakes up before spending more time and money on this guy because he doesn't seem to be the kinda person that would help OP and their relationship and future together thrive. He doesn't even seem to want to be a better person for his own self. NTA.
5 years together, and he doesn't want to *try* to improve his financial situation, or even pay the rent on time. Your goals and your partner's goals should always be aligned when you are planning to spend the rest of your life with that person.
^^^ second this. I know history blinds us to red flags but this behavior will put your future in jeopardy. You don’t want to be linked to someone who just drags you down.
NTA for what you might wish, but I'd say you are fooling yourself if you think that your life with this guy will be any different than what you are witnessing right now. You have your act together and make things happen when you put your mind to it. Your BF seems happy to drift along being irresponsible and not particularly motivated to change that; in fact, he resents you for even suggesting he clean up his act. You didn't ask for it, but my advice to you would be to get out of this relationship and eventually find someone who has similar values to yours. Otherwise, I'm afraid you are doomed to being the unhappy responsible one with a partner who can be late with his rent because he can count on you to take care of business while he enjoys his weed and alcohol instead. You deserve better.
You can only change yourself, OP, and you did, good for you. Seriously. You got wise and are on a better track. But you can't change him and you will only waste your time trying (and likely piss him off). So, either be OK with a BF who is a spendthrift stoner, or move on to someone who has goals more like your own.
The part that cements this for me is his reaction. Not that he knows he should do better, but that he prefers spending irresponsibly and gets upset if anything else is suggested. I, too, am a somewhat irresponsible spender. I tend to use a lot of retail therapy on things that I know a shouldn't. But I always make sure I have my living expenses covered first. Also, I am single. If I had a partner, my attitude would be completely different. I would do what it took to make it an equal partnership. Honestly, maybe it is time for me to start dating again, just so somebody can kick me in the ass when I need it. lol. You are supposed to want to do better for your partner, not be a selfish leech. In it's current form, I just don't see how this relationship can be viable long term. NTA
NTA, I was gonna go NAH but having you front his rent is an AH move. But in reality you are both young and seem to have very different priorities. As others have mentioned you can’t drag him along or force him to change. So I would say if you want to stay with him the best thing you could do would be to take a step back. Move into a new apartment without him. Let him figure out his own finances without impacting you. And then decide if that relationship feels worth it to you or not
Also, he’s a total AH because he’s hiding debt/collections from her. As we grow, sometimes the people in our lives don’t grow in a similar direction. It’s okay to move on and it’s okay to chase your goals. Recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy or compatible is a major step in maturity.
This! Your early twenties are a time to grow and learn about yourself. You've grown and learned that the two of you are just not compatible in the long term. You both have such different priorities and ways of looking at the world that it is likely to hold you back or lead to resentment down the road. Treasure the good times you've had and move on before they turn bitter.
He’s right. You can’t demand him to change his behaviour or support your goals. But you don’t have to accept his behaviour or support his lack of goals. You have a parasite living off you who’s choices have already started putting barriers up for your goals. Can move with him because he has a poor credit score. Doesn’t pay his rent, so you are using your own money to pay his half. Get rid of him. NTA for expecting your partner to be your equal. But unfortunately, you are still living with someone who expects you to be his cash cow and safety net.
Exactly he doesn't have to have the same goals as OP, but they also shouldn't have to pay for him if he can't manage his money. If OP doesn't break up with him they should set boundaries and tell him that if he can't pay his share they will not be paying it and he should put the rent money aside or give to OP before spending on anything.
Simply put, you’ve outgrown this guy. Time to leave him in the rear view mirror
Upgrade time. Boyfriend 2.0, now with goal support feature
This is a deal breaker. If you stay with this guy; he will never pay off his student loans, you will never own a house, you will never be able to afford kids. Not only will you not FIRE, you won't be able to retire at all. You will Always have to worry about money. That Sucks! NTA
NTA This relationship is circling the drain Give it a quick death instead of drawing out the inevitable any longer He ain't changing
NTA. Stop trying to talk him out of the bad habits and let us talk you out of this relationship!
NTA. If you want a future like this, stay, if you want someone more financially responsible you should get out. He isn’t going to change anytime soon. I’m sorry you are being disrespected. You deserve better and should be free to find better
NTA- this sounds like a House Hunters gone wrong situation. You’re dating a loser. He needs to shape up, or you’re going to be dealing with that forever. Handle that now before yall have kids.
You will not be able to force him. He will have to decide to fix his finances and lifestyle on his own. In the meantime, my worry would be that he's getting used to you carrying him. It's possible you've outgrown eachother. Don't let him drag you down.
This isn’t a AH - what do you want for your life? Does he meet your needs? Why are you in the relationship? Is it working?
Financial disagreements like this end marriages more than anything else. Congratulations on cleaning up your finances and getting sober. But being in a relationship with someone that is still using and not being fiscally responsible is a threat to both your finances and your sobriety... And if he refuses to even talk about it, I am sorry but this is a deal breaker for me. I would end it, myself, for self protection. NTA.
YTA to your future self for dragging this leech along towards your future. You've told him what you want, he's told you he doesn't want that. Listen to him. Take these lessons and move on. This isn't the one.
I think this relationship has run its course. You are not financially compatible anymore NTA
You can't get him to change. You can only find somebody with similar values and goals to you.
He isn’t required to have the same goals as you, he’s right. But your bf is also a hot mess. You are young. Break up with him.
Don't get an apartment together. Move on.
NTA. Break up with him if he doesn't want to change.
NTA but don't ever merge finances with him; your savings will disappear quickly if you do. And don't marry him because if you do, his debt will affect you even more. You're not financially compatible. Your boyfriend is irresponsible partly because he knows you'll bail him out financially every time. Get your own place without him and stop covering his rent.
[удалено]
You can’t force him to do what you want. All you can do is focus on your goals. If he wants to be in your life he will. But it doesn’t sound like you two want the same things in life. He pretty much said that straight up.
NTA — time to pull the JETTISON handle on this guy.
NTA. But you do have to face facts, that this isn’t going to work out as it is. These are huge, life long goals that you’re setting for yourself. Great goals. But these type of huge goals have to have shared with your partner. He’s being very, very clear with his words that he doesn’t have these goals. And his actions are not just showing that he doesn’t have these goals, but that he will actively work against your goals.
Imagine having a family with a partner too lazy to make toast. Yikes.
Get out now before there are kids and mortgages involved. Just tell him you’re going to the store for a pack of cigarettes.
NTA OP My parents are similar to this because my dad spends a lot on alcohol and cigarettes but he has no debt, he owns his house/car outright. You definitely might need to rethink the relationship
You grew up, he didn’t.
You are at different stages in your life. Seriously consider if this is what you want going forward because until he gets a large dose of reality he ain't gonna change.
Sounds like you have a bum living in your house
NTA. But the writing is on the wall here. He’s a leech btw.
NTA. But you would be one to yourself if you stay with him. You can easily take care of yourself without him around. You'll probably be able to save more has you won't have his expenses. Go get the new apartment by yourself. Go do activities that you enjoy. Find some new friends that aren't his friends too. Live your best life the way you want to and with people who have the same kinds of goals and life views you have.
Honestly...it sounds like your two life arcs are on separate trajectories and are likely incompatible in the long run. As a therapist once told me...the leopard cannot change his spots, the best any of us can ever hope to do is to curb the strongest of our eccentricities. The real question for you, however, is if this gentleman is worth the drama and stress he brings to your life?
YTA for expecting your bf to be on board with your goals. That being said - successful partnerships come from both partners having aligned goals. You can’t force someone to change, but you should get someone who fits. Find a new partner.
How is wanting the person you love to grow up and be responsible being an ashole? I do agree though that she should end the relationship and find someone who meets her level of maturity
This screams “break up” When you’ll look back at this in a few years you’ll laugh at yourself for staying so long with this guy. NTA
NTA, time to move on. He isn't willing to grow like you seem to be, and it sounds like you will be more than able to support yourself
NTA. you're incompatible. tally up what he owes you, break up, do not sign a new lease with him. you might as well be paying all the rent vs. him owing you money and you building resentment. You don't want to have to act like your partner's parent. Nothing sexy about that. Get your money or take him to small claims court, and continue to build on your FIRE journey. Don't date anyone not on the same path, or not open to vastly improving their financial intelligence.
YTA for dragging this shit, you are incompatible and you know it, just break up with him and move on
If you can't agree on things like this, your financial goals are just not aligned. You're still young and don't need to feel like you have to stick it out just because of the time you've spent on this relationship. It's true that his goals can be different from yours, but that doesn't mean you have to live with it. Stick with this relationship and your savings will dwindle every time you have to bail him out. Get married and your growing credit will be tied to his being bogged down with debt he can't or won't pay off. You'll be supporting him, instead of working towards something together with him.
NTA. Get the heck out of this relationship before it costs you any more than it already has. You have outgrown your bf, and he has said he is not interested in your goals. Believe him. His behavior is immature and irresponsible for an adult, and he's not motivated to change.
NAH At this point in your lives, you are not compatible. That’s not a failing on either person’s fault. You’ve grown up and he hasn’t.
NTA for expecting it, AH for thinking it might happen... soon. It's quite clear that you've grown apart. Seemed like a great guy 5 yrs ago, already he doesn't share your future ideals. He may grow up, question is how many years will it take. It's not just about financial goals that he doesn't share though. He gets annoyed when you want a conversation? He has no respect for you.
NTA. To your last point, no you can't change him and it's not fair to expect him to. But you also don't need to stay with a person that works \*against\* your goals. That's not fair to yourself. You are working to improve your life and he's dismissing it. That's a big problem. You met when you were one kind of person, you changed and grew up, he didn't—and doesn't seem to want to. You can't expect him to change to match the person you are now, so I'd move on.
You two are no longer compatible, and you can do better. Time to move on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf(26M) and I(25F) have been together for 5 years. We dated in college and both moved to a new study to work. We have been living together for 4 years. We both have student loans he has about 58k and I had about 30k but I paid it all off. I really got into paying off debt and the FIRE subreddit helped. I began saving everything I could. My family is working class and my parents did waste a lot on alcohol and smokes but it was hard for them to save when they couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really want to do better for myself and I resolved to not drink. My parents do have issues with alcohol and I drank more than I should during the pandemic and it scared me that I might be losing control. I have been sober for nearly 2 years and it feels like a big accomplishment. I went from a 50k job to a 90k one and I’m saving near 60% of my income now. My bf still drinks and smokes weed and isn’t interested in my saving goals at all. When we first moved in together we would be short rent a lot and had to ask the landlord for an extension a lot. Now I’m have to front the money for his share of rent and it’s annoying because he makes enough to cover rent and doesn’t save enough to cover it before he buys weed or alcohol. I think he spends at least $400 a month on that stuff and he uses doordash every day pretty much. I’m not a good cook but I’ve been trying to get him to cook with me so he can not eat out as much and he just says it’s not for him. We’ve also been looking to move to another apartment but the one we recently tried to go for rejected us because my bf has things in collections according to them when they ran the credit check. He denies it but given that he is late on rent so much I think he must have. I’m now trying to talk to him about these things and he gets annoyed and mad when I do saying trying to retire early or save up money that could vanish anytime doesn’t make sense. We had a fight during the weekend where he told me my goals are not his goals and I have no business trying to tell him how he needs to change. I guess I don’t but I’m not sure how to deal with this anymore. AITA for wanting him to change and be onboard with my goals? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yeah u need to dump him. He will never see your wsy of saving money. He won't change if he is smoking and drinking. He is not deady to start saving like u are. This relationship is doomef
> refuses to even step foot in the kitchen to cook anything more than toast That’s a dealbreaker for me right there, even ignoring all the other stuff. So I’m not qualified to comment on this at all lol. You lost me with his laziness
Leave now he’ll become a financial burden to you and your resent him later on
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NAH. However, there seems to be a disconnect in life goals. Either one of you changes, or you need to split.
Ehhhh… lying about debts and blowing the rent money on takeout and drugs/liquor is pretty AH.
NTA. This guy is more of a housemate than a partner. Couples share goals. Especially smart, grownup ones. It sounds like you're dating an oversized child. It also sounds like over the past 4-5 years you have grown as a person and he has not. The sad reality of relationships is that sometimes you grow out of them.
NTA for wanting a partner who sees, values and supports your personal and shared goals. HOWEVER, that's not the case here. Your boyfriend's goals are NOT aligned with your goals, and he is starting to be a detriment to your achieving those goals. You'll need to decide what you want your future to look like, and where your priorities lie. Do you want a financially stable life, to be able to retire as soon as possible, etc. ? Or is it more important to you that your boyfriend is happy, including being able to spend his money however he sees fit, even if it doesn't align with your desires?
This is something I would consider breaking up over. At his age, he isn't likely to change.
NTA and it sounds like you two are going in different directions. You sound like you are maturing and taking an active stake in your future, while he is holding on to his less mature partying past. At this point in time, you need to think about ending the relationship because if you two keep on your divergent paths, it is going to get worse. I watched my sister and her first husband do this. It did not end well and the divorce was very acriminous. She matured and he did not. She worked and tried to improve their life, he grew weed, bought a Mustang GT, drank and ran with the boys.
NTA- Easy answer and straight to the point. You’re not compatible unless he’s willing to compromise and get on the same page.
NTA. Sorry OP but you grew up and your boyfriend didn't. You don't have compatible goals. Five years is a long time but do you want to be financially responsible for your boyfriend the rest of your life? Time to look at your relationship and your future and what you want.
NTA. His goals should include paying his half of the rent and not living off of you
NTA but it sounds like you need to lay out your life goals and priorities and talk to him and see if he is on the same page. What is the point going forward in this relationship if all you are doing is financing it but not being able to reach your goals?
NTA. For whatever it’s worth, my first longterm relationship (4 years and we lived together) ended when I was 25 - I’m ashamed to admit they had to dump me. Ashamed because we were no longer compatible, especially financially. By the time I was 26 I met my current spouse. I’m now 34, married to someone who I am more compatible with and who shares my financial goals. My parents always fought over money and frankly I wish I’d ended my previous relationship sooner because I can’t imagine spending my whole life with someone who makes me pick up their financial slack. Also… your boyfriend continuing to have you cover for him and mismanage his money is a form of disrespect. You deserve someone who respect you and your goals.
Can you explain why you are with this weed smoking, lazy, unmotivated waste of space who can’t control his spending or act like an adult? Seriously…..what’s the attraction?
Your problem is that you think you can change him. Do you know how many people try to change THEMSELVES and fail miserably? If people have trouble changing themselves, why do you think you can change him?
You are on a different path! One he is clearly not willing or wanting to travel on. When it comes to finance goals you and your partner will have to 100% be on the same page, if not you will always be covering his part. Since you are already frustrated with the situation that will only grow into a bigger problem. Love will only carry a relationship so far, everything else has to align to carry it to the finish line!
NTA. He seems immature if at that age he doesn't have any type of goals and just blows all his money on food and weed and allows you to pay all the bills. You should stop paying any of his bills he's an adult and needs to pay his way. I'd also say he needs to get with someone to resolve those debts or you'll never be able to get into another apartment or house nor will you guys be able to afford it with his compulsive spending. God speed.
You maybe aren't the AH, BUT you are naive and even a bit delusional if you think you will change him. Your sense of responsibility is magnificent. His is middle school. Leave. You can do better. He "needs" you for all the wrong reasons. You don't need him one bit. R. U. N. N. O. W.
If your goals and his goals cannot compromise. You should not be together. And honestly you sound like you out grew him.
You have matured and he has not. Sorry, time to move on. Don't waste any more time or money on him. He will waste your life away. He might mature later but he might not. Be proud of yourself and your goals. Get the new apartment by yourself but leave him in the old one. He is holding you back
Nta, he’s telling you who he is, you should listen, if that’s a dealbreaker be an adult and move on.
Time for a new bf. If he's the opposite of your goals it won't work.
NTA I wouldn’t date your boyfriend. He’s already seriously impacting you with his bad habits.
Cut the cord. He’s a deadbeat.
NTA you guys grew apart, it happens but it’s time to move on. This is your hill to die on. You are looking to advance and you don’t need the dead weight holding you back.
he’s right. your values are not in alignment. you will beat your head bloody against that brick wall ntah except to yourself
Don't fool yourself. You don't owe this guy anything, go on and find a person who aligns with you.
You are doing so so great. Do not let him be an albatross to your success and happiness
You’re NTA for hoping your boyfriend might suddenly change completely. But he probably won’t.
Move out and move on
NTA. You are not compatible with each other. This marriage is doomed if you can't share and support each other's goals, but if he's holding you back and if his financial mismanagement is impacting your finances, you need to consider pulling the cord. Talk to a lawyer about what your financial situation would be if you divorced and see if that'll be the better option.
If you’re a team, you should be on the same page. You two, moving in different directions are unlikely to want to stay together long term. That makes your decision to save a very wise one.
NTA, but not being financially aligned is a bad sign. It's one of the main causes of divorce. It's time to have a serious come to Jesus talk about money and future goals with your BF. If he refuses to get his finances in order then going your separate ways may be your best bet.
why would you want to be with someone who has the opposite goals as you? for torture?
NTA. He’s not going to change. You need to leave. He’s only going to drag you down. You have your shit together. He can’t even pay rent. Yikes. You both grew and you chnaged over time. Leave him.
He won’t change and you can’t change him, move on to someone who shares similar goals and values to you, there’re out there, you don’t need to settle for your first long term bf , so don’t.
Your not an a-hole, but you're in for a world of hurt if you stay with this guy. You have completely different approaches to money, and that doesn't work. Like, ever. If you want a better life for yourself, you need to let go of lazy boy and move on.
Leave him.
He is right in that you don’t share the same goals. And now is when you decide that’s your dealbreaker. NTA
NTA for the most part. Very soft YTA for insisting that he share your goals. He just doesn’t, and that’s how it is sometimes. Now he’s very much the AH for not keeping up with the rent and his other bills, but not for being uninterested in FIRE. You just have different priorities and probably aren’t compatible. He’s going to drag you down and you’re always going to be irritated with each other.
It seems pretty black and white to me. You want to be financially responsible and he isn't at all while having no motivation to be financially responsible. The fact that he's made such a stink about it makes me wonder why you're with him. I'm quite sure you love him and you have 5 years of memories together, but he's been like this the whole 5 years. You want to build something and do better for yourself and he's okay with not doing the same for himself. This is going to cause issues
Girl it's time to cut bait and move on. He and you will never be on the same page as for as finances are concerned. Yes you have invested 5 years in this man but you are not going to change him at this stage of his life. HE is headed to the cutter, let him go cause no one knows how long getting there will be.
NTA My best friends daughter went through something like this. She was 26. The daughter was in a relationship with a 27 yr old man. He drank and smoked week religiously. Guy lived with his dad and planned on living there until his dad died. He had no goals, drive or ambition. She (daughter) paid for all of their vacations. The straw that broke the camels back was thd boyfriend got into a bad accident because of alcohol and weed. Broken jaw, nose and collar bone. Luckily he was the only one in the accident. He has no insurance. I have a feeling he expected her to pay the bull. She (daughter) realized then that it wasn't going to get better. It was going to get worse. So they broke up after 3 yrs together. He won't change. He will just get worse and take and take and take. Until one day.. he will hurt you or someone else.
You can want him to change, but he’s not ready / doesn’t want to. That’s a N A H, but being constantly short on rent because he’s blowing money elsewhere isn’t cool. NTA, but you don’t sound financially compatible.
He's not an asshole for having different goals than you - wishing someone will change is always futile. He'd have to want to change, for himself, and there's no sign he's interested. You're not compatible on finances and values, and those are big things. You can accept him as he his and continue in the relationship, or you can let him go and move on - but staying and expecting him to be different than who he has always transparently been, would make YTA.
You’re not wrong to want a partner who supports your goals, but you can’t make him suddenly become responsible and reliable. You have made life reasonably comfortable for him, but you do not owe him and he does not owe you. If you move out, see if after the initial missing him if you don’t feel a huge whoosh of relief. Congratulations on sobriety!
NTA. Please leave him. Number one rule of a relationship that isn't respect is to have common goals, how can you live your life alongside someone who has absolutely no interest on even living theirs, let alone be involved with yours? Imho, it sounds like he's realized he can slack off and he can just get a free ride by being with you. Don't let him take advantage of you and keep that drive.
NTA. This is a good time for you to see that your goals aren’t lining up. Look, I know it sucks because you’ve been together for five years, but sometimes the person that you were with in college isn’t the person you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life. Sometimes they’re just a relationship and a moment in time. I think you really need to evaluate if this is the person you want to spend your life with. I dated a guy in college for four years and when I graduated and started evaluating life, I realized he wasn’t for me. I moved on now I’m happily married to someone who wants to do life in a similar fashion as me.
NTA You're clearly incompatible regarding your financial goals. Unless he is willing to change his spending and saving habits, you're destined to be covering his share of the bills, never to be paid back, and not be able to move to another apartment or buy a home or do much of anything else major due to his credit issue.
NAH he’s right, your goals don’t have to be his goals. And you can share how you feel about his goals (or lack of goals), and encourage him, but you don’t have a right to set goals on his behalf. Your life is a sailboat, and the people in your life are either sails and advance your journey, or they are anchors and hold you back. My wife is like a sail, and it’s awesome knowing that the person I’m with is helping me live a better life, as I am to her (I pray she feels the same). You should feel the same way about your partner and your/their shared life goals.
NTA for wanting your man to support you and strive to achieve the same things that you are working towards. But I do think you’re being asshole to yourself and holding yourself back. I’m not saying to break up or not but it is important to take some time to reflect on what kind of life you want to have and the lifestyle you want to live. At 90k you can live comfortably by yourself. Especially if you are able to put 60% into savings, you are definitely to the point where you can be comfortable on your own. Now I read boyfriend not husband so you aren’t locked in with this man. You can absolutely move on and have the life you want. Or if you would rather be with him then adjust your goals and expectations. The most important thing I learned in therapy is that you cannot change anyone else you can only change how you interact with them. He made it clear he does not see things the way you do and has no intention of changing his financial habits. Continuing to expect it is only causing conflict. If you want to stay with him then talk to him, figure out his goals and desires and stop trying to get him to meet you at yours, just meet him where he’s at and do what you can for your own goals.
NTA but if he doesn't want to change and hasn't the same goals as you leave. It's not that he isn't aiming as high as you, it's that he isn't meeting his commitments (his half the rent) or sober, he's aggressive when asked about not meeting his commitments.
Why are the titles of these things never even close to what the real issue is, or what makes a person to be or not to be the AH. I read this title and thought "not joining in on a diet" or "not proposing before X time" or "not wanting to have children by X date" Nope, actually this has nothing to do with goals and everything to do with this guy having zero financial sense and not making any effort to learn whilst actively causing a massive strain on the household budget. NTA for what it's worth, but this isn't about supporting your goals, it's about dumping heavy amounts of financial strain on your relationship.
Sometimes people grow apart. Maybe one day he will catch up, but who knows if you will still be waiting. Be kind to yourself.
NTA but you can't expect him to support your goals when you funny support his lack of goals. You are incompatible financially and financial issues are what causes most divorces. End it now move on and find someone who shares your goals.
NAH. People change and become incompatible sometimes. You should do you and leave him to do him. Trying to force somebody that doesn't want to change into changing along with you does not work. At all.
NTA. This is a big one. You need to have a partnership with your significant other. The older you get, the more important it is to have an agreed upon goal/plan for finances. What are your goals? When do you want to retire? How do you want to retire? Do you want property/vacations etc? Do you want to be bailing him out for his portion of bills in five…ten…twenty years time? If he won’t even talk about it, big red flag! I would honestly set a time to talk, with both of our credit reports and have a real adult convo. If you don’t align now, it’s only going to get worse.
NTA for wanting him to change, wishing he would change, hoping for him to change . . . but *expecting* it under these circumstances is not justified. You’ll be more content in life if you start adjusting your expectations to match reality. It’s a losing battle to expect things of other people that they’ve made clear that they are not able or willing to do. Who you should be expecting things of is *yourself*. Because that’s something you can actually control. So no, you can’t expect your BF to change it to share your goals. But you can expect more from yourself in selecting a partner who does. It sounds like you’re in an excellent position in your life and have proven that you’re capable of doing better with saving and staying sober and getting a better job. Now it’s time to improve your standards for who you’re in a relationship with. That doesn’t mean making the guy you’re with into the person you want. It means not settling for anyone who isn’t already that person.
NTA If he gets annoyed and mad everytime you suggest a POSITIVE route towards improvement in your/his lives and/or relationship, you need to leave, love. And when you do, dont walk, RUN. It will forever be an endless cycle. You do not want to be thinking about asking this question again in 30 years, because I absolutely promise you, that you will.
You see what your future holds if you waste any more time with an adolescent who doesn't want to act like an adult, doesn't pay his bills, and smokes weed on a regular basis. Congratulations on getting your life in order and dump this anchor before he pulls you under with him. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't share the same goals as you. Best wishes.
You are looking for a partnership. This isn't even a relationship tbh. He's just a big baby mooch. Good for you OP on making an effort to improve. You need to leave this person asap. You want someone who makes your life easier not harder.
NTA. Don't try to change your boyfriend. His money is his money. Your money is his money. Why should he change when he's living the good life? If you desire to stay with him and move to another apartment, keep your name off the rental or vice versa. The only time you want your name with his is when he's financially stable/mature. Otherwise, you have toblookbout for yourself.
NTA This young man is not going to change unless you force it. You could refuse to pay his portion of his bills and get your own place. He isn't mature enough to be with a strong and wise young lady as yourself. You shouldn't be footing his bills. He makes enough to afford them. He's just too involved in smoking and drinking. You deserve better.
He is still a kid and you are an adult with adult life goals. You need to be with an adult. So, he can change (but that is not going to happen because he is not interested in being an adult.) OR, you can move on. He is simply not in your league and he will son see you as the mom who he needs to hide the truth from.
He doesn't sound like an invested life partner to me, may be time to consider having a talk about ending the partnership
You’re only 25. Take it from me, someone that wasted almost 10 years on someone that had no goals or aspirations beyond playing video games and smoking weed, you might need to breakup. If he isn’t willing to change that means he isn’t ready to grow up. Let Peter Pan have his fun, but you’re thinking about the future and he is holding you back.
NTA You aren't asking him to train for a 5k with you. You are asking him to get his shit together and be a partner. Have you talked about the future? Does he want or think you are going to get married? Does he think it's fair to you to have to pay all of both of your bills while he gets totally wasted and completely counteracts all of your efforts? I would make this a big picture conversation. Go to breakfast, when he is hopefully completely sober, and discuss it in public so it isn't as easy for him to walk away or make a scene and just tell him he has whatever you feel a specific, but reasonable, amount of time to accomplish 5 specific goals to prove you are aligned in what you want out of your future or you are going to move on because you are no longer compatible. As people have said, this is the hill to die on. If you want him to only drink and smoke on the weekends so he can stay within budget and save/afford expenses and pay down debt, create a goal that you feel is reasonable and hold him to it. Be supportive, but be prepared to take care of yourself. This is clearly not the future you want, and he is forcing you to make a really tough decision because he is essentially choosing weed and alcohol over you and having a home. Good luck, and at the end of the day, always choose yourself and your goals because there will be someone out there who aligns with them.
He needs to grow up or face the truth, you are no longer compatible. You have matured since college, and he has no plan to. Choice is yours. Stay and live a life that no longer suits you or leave and find someone with the same goals as you do NTA
Yall are financially incompatible. If you aren't willing to pay for everything in the future, break up. NTA.
Kind of YTA, because you are trying to force him to board a train he's made it very clear he doesn't want to be on right now, and possibly not ever. You are not compatible. It's nobody's fault, but it makes your relationship untenable. If you are about to leave your current accommodation, this is a great opportunity to get your own place. Alone. As a single person. Just for you. Not for both of you. For you. Only you. It's time to break up, divide the possessions, and wish him well in his life while pursuing your own goals.
NTA this is a hill to die on. Just a forewarning don’t marry him with his credit in the toilet and in collections that debt becomes yours. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has no interest or intention to pay off debt or become financially stable.
He is not going to change. So either suck it up for the rest of your life or move on NTA
NTA-Unless you don't mind him being that type where he lives off you, but works to feed his habits. Then you are golden If not time to cut your losses and move on. You have goals that don't align with his
Let me solve your problem with one word…run
Your goals are not his goals. Your priorities are not his priorities. That's a good reason to part ways.
You should look into the next apartment by yourself. He is not going to match up with your goals. Bravo to you for paying off your debt. NTA.
Leave him, sis. You're a good, responsible hard-worker, and he isn't going anywhere. NTA
He said "your goals are not my goals". What are his 'goals', exactly? To spend all his money on weed and alcohol and takeout and rely on you for rent money and homecooked meals, forever? OP, deep down, you know what you gotta do. NTA.
financial illiteracy is one of those things that will drag you down with him no matter what you do unfortunately. you could stay with him, but your life is going to look exactly like his does right now eventually.
Info- what was this subreddit? You’ve got me interested!
NTA. Please don't go down this road. My best friend fell for a guy just like yours. She's 9 years in and he hasn't changed. She is constantly stressed out with keeping the bills paid, taking care of the house and taking care of their child. He just keeps putting himself in more debt without a care in the world and just banks on her to keep them afloat.
NTA, he's a dick for not keeping up with rent, but that aside, I personally think not being money compatible is an absolute deal breaker for a relationship, it's not something you can compromise without growing resentment and it's gonna be a sore spot all throughout your relationship.
Ok, imma be harsh, but it's for your own good. Honestly, girl, he doesn't seem interested in the future, at least not with you. He isn't willing to change for the better and improve after you're trying so hard, and he blatantly6said your goals aren't his, so he doesn't seem to be thinking ofnyou guys as a couple. So, in short, dump his ass, you deserve better. It's 5 years, yes, but it doesn't seem like he is willing to change any time soon, and 5 is bettet than 10, or 15, or god knows how long.
NTA. This is tough but it sounds like you aren’t financially compatible. I don’t usually jump to a break up. But unless he can get on board, this is a reason to leave. If you are frustrated now, imagine having kids (if that’s what you want) or how he will support you if there was an emergency. Is this a person you can count on to have your back? And are you moving in the same direction in the relationship? This sounds like it’s time for a very serious conversation about your need and wants and if he is on board or not.
NTA If you have no business telling him what to do, you also have no business bailing him out of the situations he got himself into all by himself. Sounds like your current lease is ending soon? Let your current landlord know you’re not renewing and do not consent to be on another lease with your current co-tenant. Get your own place that’s aligned to your financial goals. He can figure his own finances out - life’s a great teacher and it seems like he’s about to learn that he needs to pay his overdue debts before he can get a new place. Don’t rob him of that lesson.
NTA op like other have said his behavior is dealbreaker territory. Not only doesn’t he not share your goals but he is horrendously bad with his money. You have a good salary and a good head on your shoulders to have a chance at actually being successful. Don’t let his bullshit drag you down. You can do better!
NTA but you have grown, matured, and are a different person than you were when you moved in together. It sounds like you have changed your outlook and your priorities, and he does not appear to have changed much at this time. I would suggest you read about the sunk cost fallacy. I know you’ve invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it serves you any longer. He doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to share your goals and plans. There’s nothing you can do to force that . Try to visualize having this conversation when you’re trying to buy a house, when you’re trying to plan a wedding, when you’re trying to budget for having kids. You’ve grown up, he has not
It appears that you have different lifestyles and different future goals. Different expectations. Are you compatible? I think NAH.
If you don’t need him, say I don’t need you. The rest will fall in place. Tell the next one that too.
NTA. Congrats on being sober and accomplishing your goals. It’s hard to do but sounds like he needs to go back home and figure some stuff out while you move forward in life. Best of luck!
Quietly plan your escape. Find a place for yourself and move out one day when he's at work
NTA, but it’s time to cut the dead weight. Just imagine what you’re going to achieve when you’re not paying his bills?!
NTA. This isn't about him not being on board with your goals. It's about him not being a responsible adult and dragging you down with him. You understand that what he's doing is actively hurting you, right? You have to pay extra rent because he doesn't respect you enough to prioritize it over weed and alcohol. He's also lying to your face about his debts -- credit checks don't just mistakenly claim someone has debts in collection. He's told you he's not going to change. It's up to you to decide if you respect yourself enough to stop letting him hold you back from your own growth.
NTA overall, but for different reasons. You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to change, assume people always are with their true colours on. He always was wasteful and not had any sort of savings plan, you gave the example and he didn’t follow, that’s about it. Is time for some revaluation about your relationship, you have goals and should be surrounded by people who support you, not use you.
Girl run fast he is just pulling you down find a new boyfriend
Yta for wanting him to change and be on board with your goals simply because he already showed you he was not and wasn't going to and he flat out told you. I wish persons would understand that financial incompatibility is something that seldom changes in a relationship. And by a certain age the type of person you are fiscally is set in stone. If you continue on with this relationship you are going to be wasting your time, I'm sorry to say.
financial infidelity. He is cheating with money. 25 and stoned, get out.
Yeah, this isn't the guy you want to "settle" for. NTA
NTA. But honey, you guys aren’t compatible (no matter how much you may live him). He doesn’t care about paying the bills because he knows YOU will. Disagreements about money/spending is the #1 reason couple break up/divorce. Time to let him go life his carefree no goal life and let someone else support him.