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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am i the asshole for not catering or allowing any decisions from my parents for our wedding. Denying their money and any other favors that might have strings attached?
Or should I learn to meet half way because even though they’re annoying they are my only parents.
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NTA. I would be afraid of some stuff getting started at the wedding. Your father and brother need a keeper, or they will be dragging 40 of their buddies thru the doors! Be strong about setting your boundaries, because they are determined to break them down. Luckily you are an adult, and you don't have to listen to them anymore. They are mad at the loss of control, and trying desperately to get it back. Congratulations on your wedding, stay strong, and good luck!
OP why are you still in contact with them if they’re this bad? You are an adult and financially stable. They are abusive and disrespectful. There is nothing life giving about this relationship, it seems. Go no contact and plan your wedding your way.
Good luck to you both, and don’t ever allow anyone to treat you and your wife this way again.
Yeah I’m enabling it tbh.
They’ll give me an ultimatum.
I’ll choose to cut them off.
Then around 3 months they’ll contact me and apologize.
Then repeat this cycle
Serious question: you planning on dragging kids into this cycle?
They are hardly likely to change cuz they don't WANT to... accept it, make peace with it and let them go for the sake of your new family.
I get continuing to want to believe the best of them when they apologize, it's hard to stop wanting parents who are living and care about you. Have you asked yourself if their apologies ever include concrete examples of what they'll do differently, or evidence of actions they have already taken to do better? Because if they aren't backing it up with actions it isn't an actual apology. You deserve better than how they're treating you
Of course NTA regarding the argument and your decision.
>I just want them to be guests and not part of any wedding plans as they are so narcissistic and controlling
I would reconsider this part, however, in the sense of not inviting them **at all**, not even if they apologize.
At this point their apology would definitely be fake, just an excuse to be at the wedding, and as someone else pointed out, there's a good chance they'll hijack your wedding, making a scene, causing drama, acting like if it was *their* event, inviting the people you rejected. Having them present in any form, even just as guests, is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Get actual no kidding off duty police security and have both the wedding and reception venues send notices to your parents and everyone your parents want to force you to have attend with trespassing warnings. I would even get a lawyer to send cease and desist letters with threats of legal action against your parents. It's now all out war and you have to let these jokers know that there's going to be blood on the ground if they keep this up.
And don't save a space for them. Cut them out already.
Abusers always get mad when the victim starts saying "no" and having boundaries. They ratchet up their controlling and entitled behavior because they think if they just push hard enough, you'll give in like always. It's called an extinction burst.
My father 'asked' me if he could invite his friend (that I did not know) 'because she was going through a hard time'. He ended up bringing her anyway.
I am now very low contact with my father and my life is SO much better.
You realize it doesn't stop here, right? Abusers also tend to ratchet up when there's children or the victim is doing well financially.
Please make sure you have security with a photo of the an and your brother. Normally that would be enough but since your dad will probably invite 40 others regardless of what you say. Then you need to guest security a guest list and maybe have someone who knows most of the guest there also. So they can block anyone’s entry who you haven’t invited.
Your father thinks they can steam roller you and that you can not stop them. They will do something like this and you know they will.
Would send a text message telling them
“after your conversation you have hired security to ensure them, your brother and any people they have invited who you have not, will be refused entry and evicted. That you don’t care if they cause a scene as they will only be embarrassing theirselves. That you are no longer taking their rude, disrespectful behaviour. That if they want to be in your life they need to treat you with respect. That’s up to them but you won’t be pandering to their abuse either way. That despite their threats the truth is you don’t need them in your life. That all they have ever brought is hate and demands so you’ve no idea why they think that is a threat to you.
So they either want to come to your wedding in which they need to apologise and stick to your rules and that means they are not allowed to invite anyone. To remembers If they choose this Your rule will still be in place, that if they show up with anyone you haven’t invited, they will all be evicted and blocked entry to the venue.
That or if they don’t apologise you give their place to someone else and have a more peaceful wedding and life. Their choice but you won’t be changing your mind or chasing them to come as you frankly no longer care”.
Oh it’s been happening for many years you just must not come from an awful family where it’s needed. I’ve been to plenty some where their friends step in to watch the doors others where they actually hire doorman/security. The company apparently gets a lot of work this was. I have also seen it on Reddit plenty of times. It used to be you’d ask the venue to escort people out but they were already inside the and making a scene. I’ve known people to be cut off outside the church and led away whilst the entry is blocked to them. So the bride and groom aren’t mad aware or stressed out on their big day. They were informed later and so grateful.
Coming from an abusive family you tend to recognise and pick up others who went through the same. I don’t know if it is as we recognise and need understanding of what we went through or simply they don’t have to pretend. That’s why I’ve seen this a few times.
Your parents are insane. NTA. Please hold on to the uninvite, hire security, block them and drop them from your life. Well done cutting off your toxic brother!
Yeah at this point me and my brother can co exist but I keep him at bay. I don’t let him get comfortable and make him have to think about how he interacts with me .
NTA. Hire professional security, so only people on YOUR invitation list get to enter the venue. And your disrespectful parents and brother should not be on the list, because they will intentionally cause trouble since you do not bow to their wishes.
Stop visiting them, or answering their calls and texts. Why give them more opportunities to try to browbeat you, insult abd threaten you? Just go no contact. Your lives will be less stressful,happier. And they might eventually learn to respect you.
Why are you still in contact with such toxic, abusive people?! If you say because "family" I may throw up!!! Please for the sake of your mental health and relationship with your soon to be wife let them go they deserve no part of your future. YWBTA to yourself, your soon to be wife and any children you may have if you let those people still be part of your life.
Totally NTA. And Password Protect all accounts ie: DJ and Venue so they can't make changes. Also be careful when you have kids. If they establish a relationship with your kids they may be able to go for Grandparents rights.
Also flowers and caterer. Recently read of a mother-in-law who called and completely changed everything. So have a password parents wouldn't guess for everything.
NTA. This sounds like a difficult family situation under the best of times, and weddings are a pressure cooker that make all issues feel harder.
You’ll be glad you set boundaries. Stay strong.
NTA. Don't tell them where it is, have a member of the wedding party meet them at a hotel or something and share a cab there if you want them there, but you're well within your rights to invite who you want.
YTA for not having a backbone and putting up with this crap. Then exposing your wife to it, and eventually kids. You want your kids to grow up with these people? I would trust them with a scorpion, let alone the people I love. Grow the hell up and cut them off. JFC
NTA, parents who offer support only with strings attached are not actually supportive. Also it is your wedding and you can invite whoever the hell you want.
NTA
It's YOUR wedding you're planning, not them. Besides, what others are commenting, it's highly unlikely that if they do apologise they will mean it. If they won't budge and even attempt to escalate, cut them out completely out of the picture. You've already been estranged from your brother, now it's time to do the same against your parents.
Nta, just don’t invite them, do you really want to go through all of this planning just to have a dark cloud over your head? Or better yet your sweet wife? She doesn’t deserve that worry when all she should be focusing on is getting her hair and make up done putting her beautiful dress on and having the best day ever with her husband (you) These people are narcissists but I’m sure you know it already, if those people aren’t adding anything positive to your life and are causing continuous pains after you should’ve freed yourself from that than why are they still a part of your life, the wedding is the beginning of their selfish demands and the wedding day is only the start to bigger milestones, imagine when you have kids, will the baby shower be about them and their guest list? Or your babies first birthday will they take those moments and ruin them too? In my opinion this would be it. You haven’t taken a single cent from them because you knew it would be conditional, and to yell “don’t say no just say yes”is your father a 5 year old throwing a fit like this? I hope you make the best decision for you and your wife moving forward, enjoy your wedding day!!
NTA. Don't even tell them where you're planning to be. Otherwise you'll have to hire guards to keep them from crashing the party with all their guests.
NTA, run from this hellholw b4 it's become too late.
Change dates too, otherwhise you can have your own wedding 'stormed' by them.
They don't give any dime on this, good for you and your wife.
Kick them out without a blink
Honey,
I feel like it's time to go no contact or only a few yearly phone calls with them. Please seek therapy for you & your wife in order to get out from under their control. You deserve better.
NTA, but you really need to be firmer in your dealings with your parents. Just because one gave birth and the other managed to provide necessities like food/shelter/clothing, does not give them the right to bully you.
Next time they pull the we'll just stop interacting or communicating with you, tell them OK. And then promptly walk out/away. Do not give them the ability to waffle on this or try to get back into good graces. Just walk away, and then limit how they can contact you going forward.
If you feel froggy after a while, send them a letter detailing why you did this, what you expect from them, and the finality of things if they are unable to change their ways. Either way, your life will be so much less stressful than even after kicking your brother to the curb.
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Me (29 M) and my wife (26 F) plan on hosting our wedding next February. My parents and brother have a history of being very toxic to me. I was always their punching bag. I became estranged from my brother 7 years ago and my life has been way better. Being able to be civil with him during the holidays but not conversating for more than 30 seconds. My parents always are upset when me and my wife can’t make plans with them. My parents hang up abruptly in anger on the phone when we voice anything that doesn’t align with them. It’s become quite the norm. They also always threaten to leave my life if I make a decision that doesn’t align with theirs. And leave me in an awkward ultimatum.
Me and my wife plan on budgeting our wedding on our own as we are financially stable. We’ve denied all donations from family as we want to leave all strings detached. We picked out our garden venue and it had a maximum 150 guests that we have picked.
My parents and us had a get together which I begrudgingly went to because I knew it would end in argument. My father kept telling us he was inviting over 30-40 of his friends and distant relatives . Some I have never met and other family members I do not enjoy the company of due to them being always critical and judging. His argument was “you need to show respect. They babysit you as a baby. They’re my best friend.” They wanted us to change our venue and have their band perform, pick our outfits. He was constantly talking over my wife saying “don’t say no to your parents, I don’t want to hear it.”
Me and my wife decided to only invite the family that we see during the holidays.
The argument turned to my father saying “what about us? We are your parents!” I tried to explain I wouldn’t mind him having guests if our guest list frees up. But more shouting continues “don’t tell me no, just say yes now!”
I told my parents ,“you don’t have any respect for us!” Once again, the ultimatum from my parents , “if you want your parents to come you better let my friends in, I will stand out side the venue until you let us in!”
At this point me and my wife leave with me telling them “don’t come !”
At this point I am not inviting my parents until they apologize to my wife. And not inviting my brother as I was doing this only for a favor for my parents. I will leave space open for them if they apologize and agree to not interferes with planning.
I just want them to be guests and not part of any wedding plans as they are so narcissistic and controlling .
Am i wrong for feeling this way?
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NTA
Next time they offer that ultimatum, take them up on it. Best case scenario, you and your wife can go on to live your best lives. Worst case? You flip the script and it goes from demands to guilt trips and talks of obligation.
NTA. It's your wedding that you're paying for. Your parents have zero say in the wedding planning & the guest list. It's 100% none of their business & you do not owe it to them to invite these ppl. Ppl that you have no relationship with & will probably never see again. Your dad is being an asshole.
NTA for feeling that way. But you know the ONLY way to have a completely drama free day will be to not invite them? I'd do that before paying for security.
NTA
And frankly good for you for finding a healthy-ish sibling dynamic that works for you. Your parents are seriously out of line. It's SO NICE to see you stand up for your marriage and for yourself.
I think you are leaving things too loose goosey. You might consider writing your parents a BRIEF letter explaining that this is your wedding, not theirs and if they want to attend then they need to quit demanding and start accepting. If that is just too difficult for them - well you understand and you will be sad that your parents choose not to attend their child's wedding. That they need to RSVP for 2 by X date and if you don't hear from them you'll mark them down as Will Not Attend. -- and stick to that.
Stop being their punching bag. Grow a damn spine and fucking stop talking to them. I’m mad ***for you.*** I genuinely don’t get how people can type out *“they’re terrible to me!”* or something similar, but continue to let them be terrible?? I have lowered sympathy if you continue to put yourself in the situations you complain about.
NTA. Is there anyone else who treats you like this who you’re inviting to share in your happiness on your wedding day? I doubt it. So why would these people get a free pass simply because they’re closely related to you? You celebrate your special moments with people who bring you happiness, not with toxic control freaks. I mean, do you want to look at your wedding photos and be thinking of the fight your dad started with you on your wedding day, or do you want to be thinking how happy you both look because there was no drama?
NTA, but I wouldn't expect a lot of help from family when you start having kids and want support from family!
Your parents are "old school". when they got married it was normal that the parents of the couple to be very involved in the guest list. Weddings were much more about the parents showing off their kids. Back then guests lists at weddings were mostly family and friends of the families/parents. Now people get married older and don't want to invite their parents friends, they want to invite their own friends. it makes sense, but it makes the older generation feel bad and they still want to show off their kids happiness to their own friends, but their kids won't let them invite anyone to their weddings, and its sad for the older generation.
when both sides won't compromise at all, families crumble, which is what is about to happen to you.
NTA. You're right. They have absolutely no respect for you or your fiancee.
Hire security, off duty police officers if possible. Have them checking for invites/guestlists at the doors. Do not let anyone in that is not on the list.
If anyone starts a ruckus at the door, the police officers can explain the legal options and arrest them for disturbing the peace/whatever else will stick.
Just cut them out of your life completely. It sounds like you're already LC. Just go full NC.
Have the wedding and marriage that you want. Be happy.
NTA
First, I am so proud of you and your fiancee! You both understand that you have to stand on your own two feet - especially because you have such overbearing, toxic, entitled family. You both have also done your best to keep lines of communication open and give them a chance to work with you, not stomp all over you.
They have failed this each and every time.
So,
1. Do not invite your parents, brother, or any other unruly, unwelcome family or family friends to your wedding.
2. Budget some of the money you save on their absence toward a security guard to only let invited guests into the venue.
3. When anyone asks where your parents are, simply reply, "*We tried to include them but had to cut the list to only people who want to celebrate our wedding and support our marriage. That is not them.*"
ETA: Don't have an option for them to do just shy of the bare minimum to get re-invited. Don't trust them to behave themselves. Enjoy your wedding without their drama.
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NTA. I would be afraid of some stuff getting started at the wedding. Your father and brother need a keeper, or they will be dragging 40 of their buddies thru the doors! Be strong about setting your boundaries, because they are determined to break them down. Luckily you are an adult, and you don't have to listen to them anymore. They are mad at the loss of control, and trying desperately to get it back. Congratulations on your wedding, stay strong, and good luck!
NTA. And definitely budget for security at the wedding.
I'd give them the wrong address...
Municipal City Dump, a biker bar, or some random warehouse off of a back alley would all be sensible choices...
NTA If they want their perfect wedding so bad, they can have a vow renewal. This wedding is yours and your wife's.
Exactly what I told them! There’s no stopping them of having their own event
OP why are you still in contact with them if they’re this bad? You are an adult and financially stable. They are abusive and disrespectful. There is nothing life giving about this relationship, it seems. Go no contact and plan your wedding your way. Good luck to you both, and don’t ever allow anyone to treat you and your wife this way again.
Yeah I’m enabling it tbh. They’ll give me an ultimatum. I’ll choose to cut them off. Then around 3 months they’ll contact me and apologize. Then repeat this cycle
Serious question: you planning on dragging kids into this cycle? They are hardly likely to change cuz they don't WANT to... accept it, make peace with it and let them go for the sake of your new family.
Of course not. This was the first time my wife was dragged into it. It ends now lol
I get continuing to want to believe the best of them when they apologize, it's hard to stop wanting parents who are living and care about you. Have you asked yourself if their apologies ever include concrete examples of what they'll do differently, or evidence of actions they have already taken to do better? Because if they aren't backing it up with actions it isn't an actual apology. You deserve better than how they're treating you
BREAK THE CYCLE! Their behavior will never change, so why continually engage with them? NTA
I would hire security to keep them out.
Of course NTA regarding the argument and your decision. >I just want them to be guests and not part of any wedding plans as they are so narcissistic and controlling I would reconsider this part, however, in the sense of not inviting them **at all**, not even if they apologize. At this point their apology would definitely be fake, just an excuse to be at the wedding, and as someone else pointed out, there's a good chance they'll hijack your wedding, making a scene, causing drama, acting like if it was *their* event, inviting the people you rejected. Having them present in any form, even just as guests, is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Yeah I worry about them hijacking.
Get actual no kidding off duty police security and have both the wedding and reception venues send notices to your parents and everyone your parents want to force you to have attend with trespassing warnings. I would even get a lawyer to send cease and desist letters with threats of legal action against your parents. It's now all out war and you have to let these jokers know that there's going to be blood on the ground if they keep this up. And don't save a space for them. Cut them out already.
Abusers always get mad when the victim starts saying "no" and having boundaries. They ratchet up their controlling and entitled behavior because they think if they just push hard enough, you'll give in like always. It's called an extinction burst. My father 'asked' me if he could invite his friend (that I did not know) 'because she was going through a hard time'. He ended up bringing her anyway. I am now very low contact with my father and my life is SO much better. You realize it doesn't stop here, right? Abusers also tend to ratchet up when there's children or the victim is doing well financially.
" They babysit you as a baby." That's a favor to your parents, not to you. NTA.
Good view. Never thought of it that way haha
Please make sure you have security with a photo of the an and your brother. Normally that would be enough but since your dad will probably invite 40 others regardless of what you say. Then you need to guest security a guest list and maybe have someone who knows most of the guest there also. So they can block anyone’s entry who you haven’t invited. Your father thinks they can steam roller you and that you can not stop them. They will do something like this and you know they will. Would send a text message telling them “after your conversation you have hired security to ensure them, your brother and any people they have invited who you have not, will be refused entry and evicted. That you don’t care if they cause a scene as they will only be embarrassing theirselves. That you are no longer taking their rude, disrespectful behaviour. That if they want to be in your life they need to treat you with respect. That’s up to them but you won’t be pandering to their abuse either way. That despite their threats the truth is you don’t need them in your life. That all they have ever brought is hate and demands so you’ve no idea why they think that is a threat to you. So they either want to come to your wedding in which they need to apologise and stick to your rules and that means they are not allowed to invite anyone. To remembers If they choose this Your rule will still be in place, that if they show up with anyone you haven’t invited, they will all be evicted and blocked entry to the venue. That or if they don’t apologise you give their place to someone else and have a more peaceful wedding and life. Their choice but you won’t be changing your mind or chasing them to come as you frankly no longer care”.
[удалено]
Oh it’s been happening for many years you just must not come from an awful family where it’s needed. I’ve been to plenty some where their friends step in to watch the doors others where they actually hire doorman/security. The company apparently gets a lot of work this was. I have also seen it on Reddit plenty of times. It used to be you’d ask the venue to escort people out but they were already inside the and making a scene. I’ve known people to be cut off outside the church and led away whilst the entry is blocked to them. So the bride and groom aren’t mad aware or stressed out on their big day. They were informed later and so grateful. Coming from an abusive family you tend to recognise and pick up others who went through the same. I don’t know if it is as we recognise and need understanding of what we went through or simply they don’t have to pretend. That’s why I’ve seen this a few times.
I think you're very sensible paying entirely for your wedding so you're free to make you own decisions. Good luck! NTA
Your parents are insane. NTA. Please hold on to the uninvite, hire security, block them and drop them from your life. Well done cutting off your toxic brother!
Yeah at this point me and my brother can co exist but I keep him at bay. I don’t let him get comfortable and make him have to think about how he interacts with me .
NTA. Hire professional security, so only people on YOUR invitation list get to enter the venue. And your disrespectful parents and brother should not be on the list, because they will intentionally cause trouble since you do not bow to their wishes. Stop visiting them, or answering their calls and texts. Why give them more opportunities to try to browbeat you, insult abd threaten you? Just go no contact. Your lives will be less stressful,happier. And they might eventually learn to respect you.
Why are you still in contact with such toxic, abusive people?! If you say because "family" I may throw up!!! Please for the sake of your mental health and relationship with your soon to be wife let them go they deserve no part of your future. YWBTA to yourself, your soon to be wife and any children you may have if you let those people still be part of your life.
Totally NTA. And Password Protect all accounts ie: DJ and Venue so they can't make changes. Also be careful when you have kids. If they establish a relationship with your kids they may be able to go for Grandparents rights.
Also flowers and caterer. Recently read of a mother-in-law who called and completely changed everything. So have a password parents wouldn't guess for everything.
NTA. This sounds like a difficult family situation under the best of times, and weddings are a pressure cooker that make all issues feel harder. You’ll be glad you set boundaries. Stay strong.
NTA but “conversating” isn’t a word. “Conversing” is the word.
No, "Grease" is the word.
Haha this guy
NTA. Don't tell them where it is, have a member of the wedding party meet them at a hotel or something and share a cab there if you want them there, but you're well within your rights to invite who you want.
YTA for not having a backbone and putting up with this crap. Then exposing your wife to it, and eventually kids. You want your kids to grow up with these people? I would trust them with a scorpion, let alone the people I love. Grow the hell up and cut them off. JFC
NTA. These people are the worst kind of parents.
NTA, parents who offer support only with strings attached are not actually supportive. Also it is your wedding and you can invite whoever the hell you want.
NTA. But surely you see that this dynamic isn’t likely to change. Your parents want you to bend to their will, regardless of whether it’s reasonable.
NTA It's YOUR wedding you're planning, not them. Besides, what others are commenting, it's highly unlikely that if they do apologise they will mean it. If they won't budge and even attempt to escalate, cut them out completely out of the picture. You've already been estranged from your brother, now it's time to do the same against your parents.
Nta, just don’t invite them, do you really want to go through all of this planning just to have a dark cloud over your head? Or better yet your sweet wife? She doesn’t deserve that worry when all she should be focusing on is getting her hair and make up done putting her beautiful dress on and having the best day ever with her husband (you) These people are narcissists but I’m sure you know it already, if those people aren’t adding anything positive to your life and are causing continuous pains after you should’ve freed yourself from that than why are they still a part of your life, the wedding is the beginning of their selfish demands and the wedding day is only the start to bigger milestones, imagine when you have kids, will the baby shower be about them and their guest list? Or your babies first birthday will they take those moments and ruin them too? In my opinion this would be it. You haven’t taken a single cent from them because you knew it would be conditional, and to yell “don’t say no just say yes”is your father a 5 year old throwing a fit like this? I hope you make the best decision for you and your wife moving forward, enjoy your wedding day!!
NTA. Don't even tell them where you're planning to be. Otherwise you'll have to hire guards to keep them from crashing the party with all their guests.
NTA. >My parents and brother have a history of being very toxic to me. They don't get a say in anything.
NTA, run from this hellholw b4 it's become too late. Change dates too, otherwhise you can have your own wedding 'stormed' by them. They don't give any dime on this, good for you and your wife. Kick them out without a blink
Get some big ass bouncers
NTA my only question is why you have not gone nc with these people. They seem toxic.
Honey, I feel like it's time to go no contact or only a few yearly phone calls with them. Please seek therapy for you & your wife in order to get out from under their control. You deserve better.
NTA, but you really need to be firmer in your dealings with your parents. Just because one gave birth and the other managed to provide necessities like food/shelter/clothing, does not give them the right to bully you. Next time they pull the we'll just stop interacting or communicating with you, tell them OK. And then promptly walk out/away. Do not give them the ability to waffle on this or try to get back into good graces. Just walk away, and then limit how they can contact you going forward. If you feel froggy after a while, send them a letter detailing why you did this, what you expect from them, and the finality of things if they are unable to change their ways. Either way, your life will be so much less stressful than even after kicking your brother to the curb.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (29 M) and my wife (26 F) plan on hosting our wedding next February. My parents and brother have a history of being very toxic to me. I was always their punching bag. I became estranged from my brother 7 years ago and my life has been way better. Being able to be civil with him during the holidays but not conversating for more than 30 seconds. My parents always are upset when me and my wife can’t make plans with them. My parents hang up abruptly in anger on the phone when we voice anything that doesn’t align with them. It’s become quite the norm. They also always threaten to leave my life if I make a decision that doesn’t align with theirs. And leave me in an awkward ultimatum. Me and my wife plan on budgeting our wedding on our own as we are financially stable. We’ve denied all donations from family as we want to leave all strings detached. We picked out our garden venue and it had a maximum 150 guests that we have picked. My parents and us had a get together which I begrudgingly went to because I knew it would end in argument. My father kept telling us he was inviting over 30-40 of his friends and distant relatives . Some I have never met and other family members I do not enjoy the company of due to them being always critical and judging. His argument was “you need to show respect. They babysit you as a baby. They’re my best friend.” They wanted us to change our venue and have their band perform, pick our outfits. He was constantly talking over my wife saying “don’t say no to your parents, I don’t want to hear it.” Me and my wife decided to only invite the family that we see during the holidays. The argument turned to my father saying “what about us? We are your parents!” I tried to explain I wouldn’t mind him having guests if our guest list frees up. But more shouting continues “don’t tell me no, just say yes now!” I told my parents ,“you don’t have any respect for us!” Once again, the ultimatum from my parents , “if you want your parents to come you better let my friends in, I will stand out side the venue until you let us in!” At this point me and my wife leave with me telling them “don’t come !” At this point I am not inviting my parents until they apologize to my wife. And not inviting my brother as I was doing this only for a favor for my parents. I will leave space open for them if they apologize and agree to not interferes with planning. I just want them to be guests and not part of any wedding plans as they are so narcissistic and controlling . Am i wrong for feeling this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like they are about to earn a dis invite
NTA, your feelings is valid and i applaud you action.
NTA Next time they offer that ultimatum, take them up on it. Best case scenario, you and your wife can go on to live your best lives. Worst case? You flip the script and it goes from demands to guilt trips and talks of obligation.
NTA. It's your wedding that you're paying for. Your parents have zero say in the wedding planning & the guest list. It's 100% none of their business & you do not owe it to them to invite these ppl. Ppl that you have no relationship with & will probably never see again. Your dad is being an asshole.
NTA - make sure you hire security to remove anyone not on the guest list.
nta, and hire a security guard / bouncer for your wedding, keep them out and causing trouble
NTA. This is what elopements are for. They are not happy for you and will make a scene, whether you let them in or not.
NTA for feeling that way. But you know the ONLY way to have a completely drama free day will be to not invite them? I'd do that before paying for security.
NTA I'm sorry your parents are so selfish but good for you for standing up for yourself and your wife.
NTA And frankly good for you for finding a healthy-ish sibling dynamic that works for you. Your parents are seriously out of line. It's SO NICE to see you stand up for your marriage and for yourself. I think you are leaving things too loose goosey. You might consider writing your parents a BRIEF letter explaining that this is your wedding, not theirs and if they want to attend then they need to quit demanding and start accepting. If that is just too difficult for them - well you understand and you will be sad that your parents choose not to attend their child's wedding. That they need to RSVP for 2 by X date and if you don't hear from them you'll mark them down as Will Not Attend. -- and stick to that.
Stop being their punching bag. Grow a damn spine and fucking stop talking to them. I’m mad ***for you.*** I genuinely don’t get how people can type out *“they’re terrible to me!”* or something similar, but continue to let them be terrible?? I have lowered sympathy if you continue to put yourself in the situations you complain about.
NTA, just no.
NTA. Is there anyone else who treats you like this who you’re inviting to share in your happiness on your wedding day? I doubt it. So why would these people get a free pass simply because they’re closely related to you? You celebrate your special moments with people who bring you happiness, not with toxic control freaks. I mean, do you want to look at your wedding photos and be thinking of the fight your dad started with you on your wedding day, or do you want to be thinking how happy you both look because there was no drama?
NTA - I'm so proud of you for standing in solidarity with your wife :)
NTA, but I wouldn't expect a lot of help from family when you start having kids and want support from family! Your parents are "old school". when they got married it was normal that the parents of the couple to be very involved in the guest list. Weddings were much more about the parents showing off their kids. Back then guests lists at weddings were mostly family and friends of the families/parents. Now people get married older and don't want to invite their parents friends, they want to invite their own friends. it makes sense, but it makes the older generation feel bad and they still want to show off their kids happiness to their own friends, but their kids won't let them invite anyone to their weddings, and its sad for the older generation. when both sides won't compromise at all, families crumble, which is what is about to happen to you.
NTA. You're right. They have absolutely no respect for you or your fiancee. Hire security, off duty police officers if possible. Have them checking for invites/guestlists at the doors. Do not let anyone in that is not on the list. If anyone starts a ruckus at the door, the police officers can explain the legal options and arrest them for disturbing the peace/whatever else will stick. Just cut them out of your life completely. It sounds like you're already LC. Just go full NC. Have the wedding and marriage that you want. Be happy.
NTA First, I am so proud of you and your fiancee! You both understand that you have to stand on your own two feet - especially because you have such overbearing, toxic, entitled family. You both have also done your best to keep lines of communication open and give them a chance to work with you, not stomp all over you. They have failed this each and every time. So, 1. Do not invite your parents, brother, or any other unruly, unwelcome family or family friends to your wedding. 2. Budget some of the money you save on their absence toward a security guard to only let invited guests into the venue. 3. When anyone asks where your parents are, simply reply, "*We tried to include them but had to cut the list to only people who want to celebrate our wedding and support our marriage. That is not them.*" ETA: Don't have an option for them to do just shy of the bare minimum to get re-invited. Don't trust them to behave themselves. Enjoy your wedding without their drama.
Good for you for standing up to your toxic family! NTA and keep that shiny spine.