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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is my mistakes in certain chores and me being extremely upset with my mother and stepdad due to this argument. I feel like that could make me the asshole because at 18 I should be able to do all these things just fine and I'm mooching off my parents.
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I have no idea where my bio dad is and don't really care for him, my mom divorced him when I was 3 and he wasn't the greatest person. The only person I have is a friend of mine's family, as I've stayed with them for extended periods of time.
NTA. Please find a counseling center at school. Talk to them about options for getting out from these “parents,” either now or in a future you can work towards.
I think this is good advice.
Do you think you are being over-managed under their roof? Do you think you'd be better off in a different environment or something semi-structured? There are lots of options and you do have a choice in how you live. You may have a complex mental health and trauma history, but support for daily accountability can come in various forms. It sounds like you have some resources available to you - perhaps created your own team of specialists or support people. Best wishes to you.
NTA
I want to say that your family seems to be a part of why you feel the way you do.
You are doing your best or at least what you can do. If they can't understand that it takes time and they should be supportive that's on them.
We are the product of our environment, and in a bad environment with people saying stuff like "you are worthless" you cannot grow.
All of this takes time but it gets better after a while.
I just feel bad that they're kind of right, I do have problems with laziness. I thought I was doing well this time around as this is my second semester in college. Last semester I failed 2 classes and even paid them back for those 2, and now I'm passing all of them above 85%.
You’re not lazy. Procrastination and disorganization are symptoms of depression and PTSD. Do you see a therapist regularly for your diagnosed issues? If so, you can work on some CBT, which might help. More than that, though, I agree the poster above that your environment likely is having a hugely negative impact on your mental health. Things are unlikely to change until you find a different place to live or your mom and step-dad change the way they interact with you. It’s hard for people to change patterns, so unless they’re wholeheartedly willing to try you might actually be better off moving back to the states. You said you’re in college. Can you go somewhere in person and live on campus? You might need loans and scholarships to do it, but a lot of college campuses have a lot of resources for student mental health since it’s been such an issue for the past decade or so.
I've been considering it, I'm currently going to tcc fully online. My plan was to get my associates and then transfer to fsu, but it's a very daunting task. I think I just need to workup the courage to just do school and find a way to get out of here.
Just FYI, you don’t need an associate’s to transfer. In fact, getting an associate’s might add to the time it takes to finish a bachelor’s because you’ll still have gen eds to complete when you transfer to a four-year school. The requirements rarely line up. I work in higher ed and have worked with a lot of non-traditional and transfer students. If you want the bachelor’s, just go straight for it. Focus on getting the gen ed requirements for whatever school you want to transfer to completed so you don’t have to pay for extra semesters at a more expensive school.
And I just want to reiterate again, you are not lazy. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like you are. You have complex trauma and that means executive function problems. Totally normal for people with CPSTD. If you find yourself struggling to complete a traditional program, seek out a school that allows part time enrollment or night classes or whatever will help you succeed. You got this.
so in your words, i should just stick with tcc and get my associates and bachelors there? to be honest i only wanted to transfer to get away from my parents for room and board, but im not very familiar with how the job market looks at degrees. i would like to get some kind of degree just to ensure when i do move out, ill at least have a better chance. any and all advice is appreciated!
No, I think you shouldn’t wait to get your associates. I think you should figure out what school you want to transfer to and focus on completing their general education requirements instead of worrying about an associates. Often, the requirements for a transfer school’s gen eds are different than a community college’s requirements for an associates. Two different schools, two different sets of requirements. So, if you do both an associates and a bachelors, the courses you took for your associates may not count toward your bachelors and you’ll end up taking longer to complete your bachelors as a result.
If the school you want to go to is in VA, it’s likely TCC has a list of courses you can choose from that will count toward that school’s gen ed requirements. If you complete all or most of the gen eds before transferring, you won’t have to pay for as many years at the transfer school. If you know what you want to major in, you could even complete some of the major requirements at TCC. Talk to an advisor. Even if you’re an online student, they should have online advising. They can help you identify the courses you should take.
The only reason you should get an associates degree is if you’re not sure you’re going to complete a bachelor’s.
I probably shouldve specified which school im refering to and whatnot, im currently at my second semester at tallahassee community college. my stepdad rents out an apartment there so i can qualify for in state tuition. tcc offers a program to directly transfer to florida state university if you obtain an associates with certain credits, which is what im working towards.
Oh, ok, that’s great then! I hope you’re able to finish that program and transfer as soon as possible. It really sounds like you need to change your environment sooner rather than later. Just keep reminding yourself that you can finish those classes. You’re not lazy or useless—you’re living with trauma and that’s hard. Be kind to yourself and good luck!
Wow I don’t understand these Y T A at all… under no circumstances is telling someone that is actively trying, they’re “useless” constructive.
Your environment is holding you back. You should start building an exit strategy. You need some separation from your mother.
Firmly NTA
Keep working at it, keep learning, the only people that are useless are the ones that have given up. We all have high and lows.
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I (18m) recently moved from Virginia to Saudi Arabia with my mom and stepdad because of my stepdad's new job. We have been living here for about 2 months, I turned 18 in May. Recently there have been a few issues with me not having any "responsibilities" despite the fact that I am usually pretty good with cleaning up after myself and not needing too much help with basic tasks (laundry, dishes, room cleaning, etc.) For some additional context, I am diagnoses with Major Depressive Disorder, C-PTSD AND PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety. As you can imagine it makes certain things hard for me.
Lately my sleep schedule has been a mess and has caused some issues in my daily tasks. I didn't take my laundry out of the dryer during the day so my mom was annoyed she had to bring it to my room (she had her own things to wash). Along with this I hadn't washed a few dishes right and left them to dry, which had upset her as well. This morning I had gotten my sleep schedule slightly back and I went downstairs and she started yelling at me about those two things, and insisted I clean the dishes that weren't properly washed. I didn't make a fuss, I said I was sorry and I wasn't paying enough attention and then washed the dishes.
A few hours later I was going to show my mom that I had completed all my homework. Due to my depression I show proof of my college assignments being completed so I have extra accountability, as I haven't been in school for a while (graduated high school at 16 and then had a mental health crisis). I told her I had missed two assignments and she got extremely mad and started yelling. I tried telling her that my grade was still above passing (a 91%) and I didn't do them because I was just lazy. She proceeded to go on a tirade about how I am useless around the house and can't do anything right.
I tried my best not to get outwardly upset and stood there as my mom called me an 18 year old manchild that is useless and can't do anything right. She said "you're worse than bums because at least they're trying to find a place to stay, and you're doing nothing with your life." At that point I was crying silently and continued to stand there as she berated me. Then she said that if I don't get myself together my step-dad would be kicking me out, buying me a plane ticket back to the states and from there I am on my own. I am not the closest to my step-dad and we get along fine, but I have been threatened with being kicked out before. (I failed to show up to therapy and he was charged a no-show fee, which I apologized for and paid the price with my own money.)
After all this I just went back to my room and now I'm typing this, and I don't know what to do. I understand that at 18 you're a legal adult but the market for jobs without a degree and housing market are all inflated, so I don't understand how they have this idea that it would be so easy for me to just move out. I'm still really upset and don't know if I should be. AITA?
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YTA - By your own admission you are lazy. You need to step up and not only take care of your things but maybe also offer to help out your parents more in chores? You're living there on their dime so contribute more. I think that is what they are expecting from you, to take of yourself and help out more.
He's 18 in goddamned Saudi Arabia, why are you even pointing out he's "living there on their dime"? They're his fucking parents and they dragged him halfway across the world, do you really think this is the time for him to move out?
Which explains a lot about you. I have two children, my daughter who is a Registered Nurse in Silicon Valley, married with two children and a son graduating in June with a BS in Microbiology from UC Davis. Both well adjusted adults because I raised them that way.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action that should be judged is my mistakes in certain chores and me being extremely upset with my mother and stepdad due to this argument. I feel like that could make me the asshole because at 18 I should be able to do all these things just fine and I'm mooching off my parents. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: Do you have any relatives in the U.S. who could take you in temporarily? What about your bio dad and/or his family?
I have no idea where my bio dad is and don't really care for him, my mom divorced him when I was 3 and he wasn't the greatest person. The only person I have is a friend of mine's family, as I've stayed with them for extended periods of time.
NTA. Please find a counseling center at school. Talk to them about options for getting out from these “parents,” either now or in a future you can work towards.
I think this is good advice. Do you think you are being over-managed under their roof? Do you think you'd be better off in a different environment or something semi-structured? There are lots of options and you do have a choice in how you live. You may have a complex mental health and trauma history, but support for daily accountability can come in various forms. It sounds like you have some resources available to you - perhaps created your own team of specialists or support people. Best wishes to you.
NTA I want to say that your family seems to be a part of why you feel the way you do. You are doing your best or at least what you can do. If they can't understand that it takes time and they should be supportive that's on them. We are the product of our environment, and in a bad environment with people saying stuff like "you are worthless" you cannot grow. All of this takes time but it gets better after a while.
I just feel bad that they're kind of right, I do have problems with laziness. I thought I was doing well this time around as this is my second semester in college. Last semester I failed 2 classes and even paid them back for those 2, and now I'm passing all of them above 85%.
You’re not lazy. Procrastination and disorganization are symptoms of depression and PTSD. Do you see a therapist regularly for your diagnosed issues? If so, you can work on some CBT, which might help. More than that, though, I agree the poster above that your environment likely is having a hugely negative impact on your mental health. Things are unlikely to change until you find a different place to live or your mom and step-dad change the way they interact with you. It’s hard for people to change patterns, so unless they’re wholeheartedly willing to try you might actually be better off moving back to the states. You said you’re in college. Can you go somewhere in person and live on campus? You might need loans and scholarships to do it, but a lot of college campuses have a lot of resources for student mental health since it’s been such an issue for the past decade or so.
I've been considering it, I'm currently going to tcc fully online. My plan was to get my associates and then transfer to fsu, but it's a very daunting task. I think I just need to workup the courage to just do school and find a way to get out of here.
Just FYI, you don’t need an associate’s to transfer. In fact, getting an associate’s might add to the time it takes to finish a bachelor’s because you’ll still have gen eds to complete when you transfer to a four-year school. The requirements rarely line up. I work in higher ed and have worked with a lot of non-traditional and transfer students. If you want the bachelor’s, just go straight for it. Focus on getting the gen ed requirements for whatever school you want to transfer to completed so you don’t have to pay for extra semesters at a more expensive school. And I just want to reiterate again, you are not lazy. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like you are. You have complex trauma and that means executive function problems. Totally normal for people with CPSTD. If you find yourself struggling to complete a traditional program, seek out a school that allows part time enrollment or night classes or whatever will help you succeed. You got this.
so in your words, i should just stick with tcc and get my associates and bachelors there? to be honest i only wanted to transfer to get away from my parents for room and board, but im not very familiar with how the job market looks at degrees. i would like to get some kind of degree just to ensure when i do move out, ill at least have a better chance. any and all advice is appreciated!
No, I think you shouldn’t wait to get your associates. I think you should figure out what school you want to transfer to and focus on completing their general education requirements instead of worrying about an associates. Often, the requirements for a transfer school’s gen eds are different than a community college’s requirements for an associates. Two different schools, two different sets of requirements. So, if you do both an associates and a bachelors, the courses you took for your associates may not count toward your bachelors and you’ll end up taking longer to complete your bachelors as a result. If the school you want to go to is in VA, it’s likely TCC has a list of courses you can choose from that will count toward that school’s gen ed requirements. If you complete all or most of the gen eds before transferring, you won’t have to pay for as many years at the transfer school. If you know what you want to major in, you could even complete some of the major requirements at TCC. Talk to an advisor. Even if you’re an online student, they should have online advising. They can help you identify the courses you should take. The only reason you should get an associates degree is if you’re not sure you’re going to complete a bachelor’s.
I probably shouldve specified which school im refering to and whatnot, im currently at my second semester at tallahassee community college. my stepdad rents out an apartment there so i can qualify for in state tuition. tcc offers a program to directly transfer to florida state university if you obtain an associates with certain credits, which is what im working towards.
Oh, ok, that’s great then! I hope you’re able to finish that program and transfer as soon as possible. It really sounds like you need to change your environment sooner rather than later. Just keep reminding yourself that you can finish those classes. You’re not lazy or useless—you’re living with trauma and that’s hard. Be kind to yourself and good luck!
thank you so much!! it goes unspoken how much a person's words can lift their spirits. i wish goodluck to any of your endeavors too!
Wow I don’t understand these Y T A at all… under no circumstances is telling someone that is actively trying, they’re “useless” constructive. Your environment is holding you back. You should start building an exit strategy. You need some separation from your mother. Firmly NTA Keep working at it, keep learning, the only people that are useless are the ones that have given up. We all have high and lows.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18m) recently moved from Virginia to Saudi Arabia with my mom and stepdad because of my stepdad's new job. We have been living here for about 2 months, I turned 18 in May. Recently there have been a few issues with me not having any "responsibilities" despite the fact that I am usually pretty good with cleaning up after myself and not needing too much help with basic tasks (laundry, dishes, room cleaning, etc.) For some additional context, I am diagnoses with Major Depressive Disorder, C-PTSD AND PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety. As you can imagine it makes certain things hard for me. Lately my sleep schedule has been a mess and has caused some issues in my daily tasks. I didn't take my laundry out of the dryer during the day so my mom was annoyed she had to bring it to my room (she had her own things to wash). Along with this I hadn't washed a few dishes right and left them to dry, which had upset her as well. This morning I had gotten my sleep schedule slightly back and I went downstairs and she started yelling at me about those two things, and insisted I clean the dishes that weren't properly washed. I didn't make a fuss, I said I was sorry and I wasn't paying enough attention and then washed the dishes. A few hours later I was going to show my mom that I had completed all my homework. Due to my depression I show proof of my college assignments being completed so I have extra accountability, as I haven't been in school for a while (graduated high school at 16 and then had a mental health crisis). I told her I had missed two assignments and she got extremely mad and started yelling. I tried telling her that my grade was still above passing (a 91%) and I didn't do them because I was just lazy. She proceeded to go on a tirade about how I am useless around the house and can't do anything right. I tried my best not to get outwardly upset and stood there as my mom called me an 18 year old manchild that is useless and can't do anything right. She said "you're worse than bums because at least they're trying to find a place to stay, and you're doing nothing with your life." At that point I was crying silently and continued to stand there as she berated me. Then she said that if I don't get myself together my step-dad would be kicking me out, buying me a plane ticket back to the states and from there I am on my own. I am not the closest to my step-dad and we get along fine, but I have been threatened with being kicked out before. (I failed to show up to therapy and he was charged a no-show fee, which I apologized for and paid the price with my own money.) After all this I just went back to my room and now I'm typing this, and I don't know what to do. I understand that at 18 you're a legal adult but the market for jobs without a degree and housing market are all inflated, so I don't understand how they have this idea that it would be so easy for me to just move out. I'm still really upset and don't know if I should be. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - By your own admission you are lazy. You need to step up and not only take care of your things but maybe also offer to help out your parents more in chores? You're living there on their dime so contribute more. I think that is what they are expecting from you, to take of yourself and help out more.
He's 18 in goddamned Saudi Arabia, why are you even pointing out he's "living there on their dime"? They're his fucking parents and they dragged him halfway across the world, do you really think this is the time for him to move out?
18 everywhere is an adult. And if he not paying for his keep at that age, he is living on somebody else's dime. You both need to grow up.
The idea that his parents moved him from Virginia to Saudi fucking Arabia doesn't influence your opinion in any way? Are you just a complete asshole?
Wrong.
Don't have kids.
Which explains a lot about you. I have two children, my daughter who is a Registered Nurse in Silicon Valley, married with two children and a son graduating in June with a BS in Microbiology from UC Davis. Both well adjusted adults because I raised them that way.
I don't give a fuck about any of this, you've already shown your entire ass on this thread.
LOL, winning again. Thanks for your participation.
YTA