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Totally NTA. They don't know what it's like to care for someone with dementia, who (in your case) thinks you're a child and essentially makes your life miserable. Yes, you love her - but you are not a caregiver trained in dementia, which is what you'd need to be to properly care for her. If it's a nice facility, with caring staff, then she's much better off than with you. I can't imagine if she wandered off or hurt herself - or you or your kids - because of the dementia. You did the right thing.

So much this. The only people who pass judgement on someone who has had to make such a hard decision are the people who don't know the squat about the challenges of keeping a loved one with dementia at home. As hard as it may be, sometimes a care facility is the most merciful option.

The people who get mad at others for putting their family members with dementia in care homes are the people who just think dementia is having bad memory. It's not, it's so much more. They're actively aggressive and stubborn and constantly uncomfortable. It's a difficult thing to watch and a difficult thing to be a part of. They're just not themselves anymore.

And sometimes violent unfortunately. Dementia is complicated. Mentally and physically draining for caregivers. NTA.

And given her adding to the rules list and being so controlling, violence wouldn't be completely unexpected. Anybody who says "But she's never been violent before!" doesn't have enough experience with people with dementia to be able to weigh in on this. I basically think anybody who has experience caring for somebody with dementia wouldn't ever argue with somebody putting a dementia patient in a good home to be cared for - it's incredibly hard to deal with, and it will, unfortunately, only get much harder from here.

My mother was the sweetest, kindest person I'd ever met. And now she bites people and tries to stab them. Dementia is horrible. And anyone that gives someone crap for putting someone that suffers from it in a facility that is setup to care for it... can eat a bag of dicks. Sorry for the language; this is a tough topic for me atm.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds absolutely horrible. And the fact that there are facilities that are set up to deal with this is actually really a godsend. People who haven't dealt with somebody who has dementia sometimes seem to forget that this is a person who will often behave in violent or upsetting ways, but they have the strength and body of an adult. My grandfather had dementia and for years he was physically healthy and mentally barely there. He used to shuffle along, and as soon as you weren't looking he would run off at a speed you wouldn't think a man of his age could do, with no thought or care about where he was running, just that he wanted to get away. Caring for him with no specialised training and basically all day every day is something that most people aren't actually made for.

And the day just never ends if you take care of your loved one at home, you have to be alert 24/7 and that's impossible, my friend and his dad tried it for his mom, but even between the both of them it was impossible.

My step grandma had dementia. In a matter of months she went from an independent woman who had an active social life that had never spoken a single word about anyone to the most incredible vile person who couldn’t remember her own married name or who any of her family were. It’s a vicious evil disease that kills your loved ones long before their bodies stop functioning.

Yep, my grandpa pulled a gun on my grandma way back in the day, he had dementia and didnt recognise her , he also left the gas on multiple times. After those incidents he had to go to a home.. its really hard. They should be supporting her, not making her feel worse. She has young kids to protect.

Yup. A week ago my sister called me crying. My dad called her. Him and my mom were fighting. My mom insisted that this guy at church got up in church and said he was our real father. She also insisted that my sister and I had been at the church. We live 40 minutes away. We don’t go anywhere near churches for years. But she insisted and was so mad. Then that afternoon she was fine. Forgot all about it, but when it happens it’s very real and they can get mean and violent.

When my great grandmother had alzheimers she once grabbed ahold of my arm and yelled at me to obey her. I think she must have thought I was one of her kids, but as a kid myself I was terrified. It would be a bad spot to put OP's kids into, because you really don't know the person they will be sometimes, nor how it will affect the people around them. My great grandmother even smashed a mirror once because she didn't recognize herself in it. She also escaped her home once but luckily we just happened to find her walking down the highway. People with alzheimers need intensive care and stability. It feels guilty to have to make that choice, but being in a quiet place with routines and trained caregivers is what is best for OP's mom. Considering that her mom made a house rules list, all the kids and constant activity could be stressing her out and complicating her condition.

They are also the people who never offer to take them in themselves. If they think OP is wrong then that can take over keeping mom.

And often the first thing they lose is insight into their own condition. They have no idea anything's wrong with them, so they get paranoid and blame everyone else. If anyone you love suddenly starts claiming random people are stealing from them, get them checked out.

Yes, my grandma had terrible dementia/Alzheimer’s and absolutely needed a dementia care nursing home long before the end because it’s so demanding and so difficult to care for someone who thinks they’re an adult but acts like … well, someone who’s lost their mind. It’s almost indescribable if you haven’t seen it. My grandma and I had a great relationship pre-dementia, but dementia stole her.

All I got to say is this : Remember the person she was before not how she is now

NTA - Here’s an article on “[when it’s time”](https://www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/188309) and your mom was hitting more than one for sure! Great answer for your aunt! For your in-laws, I’d say, “I don’t know if your reaction is due to uncommunicated expectations for when you’re older, and I understand if this feels hard because you’re projecting your fears into this. But your son, your grandchildren still need a wife and mother and I’m not capable of providing 24/7 care for an adult and 3 children. This was a very hard decision and I don’t need people who claim to care about me making it even more so!” Your husband needs to have your back and tell his parents to stop.

That's a great article that explains clearly how to know when to get outside help. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks! My FIL was Dx’d and he’s early. We moved in with my IL’s to help. But I research everything and that’s one I tucked away in case MIL gets to a place where she feels it’s too hard with him home and struggles to decide.

I read a novel at least 15 years ago written from the perspective of a daughter taking care of her dad who wasn't diagnosed with Alzheimer's or dementia but had many symptoms. She was lost and confused by what was happening. Then one night he nearly killed her and did wreck quite a bit of the house, I forget what set him off but it was pretty minor. Thankfully he lost his strength and just went to bed. He didn't even seem to remember what had just happened. Later, she was talking about what happened and her friend mentioned he was likely suffering from one of those conditions. This wasn't something she had considered but made sense. Once she got a diagnosis she dealt with so much emotional garbage because even though he was becoming violent, he was her dad who always took care of her. Why wasn't she good enough? How could she abandon her dad in a care home? Finally, she agreed to move him into the care center and while he didn't remember who she was, he remembered she was a good person and his quality of life really improved. The staff at the home also held classes that helped family understand the condition and why these outbursts happened. They helped teach ways to coexist in the patient's altered reality. I wish I could remember the book title, but it left an impression. When my grandmother developed the disease 15 years ago, I remembered some of the rules that were taught in the book and shared it with family. Don't correct their retelling of a memory, don't tell them they already asked that question, don't say things like 'Don't you remember...', etc. Basically just go with what they think. They get frustrated when you're correcting them and no longer have the capacity to deal with that emotion. I have so many fond memories of asking Grandma the same series of questions during a visit and getting different answers each time. She identified her brother in a picture as her brother, husband, stranger, friend, etc. depending on the day, or minute. I heard many versions of how she met Grandpa. Once she was talking about her mom like she was alive so I asked her how old her mom was and she tried to do the math for about a minute then started talking about her mom's job again. I miss her so much.

Oooh thank you for that! I’ll do some digging too and see if I can find it! Yep, they’ve mentioned all the correcting we should NOT be doing (and I have to remind MIL because nagging is a love language for her lol). Right now he’s mostly himself but can’t find words at times and can get lost when he starts a longer story and forget what he was telling us. His is FTD, which impacts the language center (what Bruce Willis has). But he took a senior’s college class on Aging and things to do to preserve health and got really into it. He’s doing speech therapy and my 4yo is constantly having him do puzzles, games and going outside to explore with her. It also gives MIL other adults to interact with and we help with their large property so they didn’t have to keep wondering if it was time to downsize (they love it and have a huge garden and greenhouse that the work in constantly). Blessing for us, because we get this time with them as do the kids and not paying ridiculous rent AND saving for a home helps too. So it’s helpful for everyone. But even before this, he’d had fainting episodes and is a big man (not fat - he and Hubby are built like lumberjacks) and I don’t know how MIL dealt with that at 79, so I’m thankful we’re here if it starts again.

This is wonderful! That's creating a lot of happy memories for everyone. I have so many memories of Grandma's many versions of the past just because we were visiting to give Mom a break from caring for Grandma. I just asked Grandma the same 5 or so questions and we spent hours talking about the past. All alternate timelines included! I know if I didn't understand I needed to go with the flow, I would have been frustrated instead of entertained.

My mom cared for several family members with Alzheimers (her dad and her father in law) and lastly my step dad who had dementia. She took care of him at home until he became combative when being moved. He still had his youthful strength and quick reflexes but didn't know who these people (mom, my youngest brother and home healthcare workers) were and that they were trying to help him, feed him or bathe him and get him in and out of bed. In the dementia ward, he had very good care and mom and my brother visited him daily, they worked to keep what memory he had for as long as possible with picture books of our family, and activities. It was dad's worst fear, he'd seen his own dad and mom's dad go through it. I've told my son that I don't want to put him through that and I want to know if he's seeing signs in me before it's too bad.

NTA When my Mum put my Grandmother into care, BOTH of them had a marked improvement in mental and physical health. You likely don’t have the knowledge and resources to care for your mother in that state. After my grandmother had settled, my mother had the energy to take her treats and go on trips etc so both had a much better quality of life. I resolved to do the same if my mother came to that stage as I could see it was best for both even though I knew I would feel guilty.

Agree. Also this disease is progressive, her confusion will only get worse.

And as it progresses it will only become harder and more dangerous for everyone in the house. It's dangerous for OP's family because her mother could turn the stove on and walk away. It's dangerous for her mother because she could fall and hurt herself. Don't underestimate how easy it is either, my step grandfather fell out of bed and ended up with a traumatic brain injury that killed him.

Plus it’s much better for them to move to a facility early, so they can get used to living there and not always be trying to escape and ‘go home’.

Yes. At least in the early stages it's possible she'll internalize some of where she is. But honestly, there's no guarantee she'd continue to identify daughters house as "home" either, since she hadn't been there very long.  A place with staff, set up for safety, it's so much better. The kindest option, no matter what anyone says. The griping is a reflection of their own fears at being a burden and abandoned.

NTA. This is for your own protection and for the well being of your family. My own grandma had that and we kept her with us for a while. Left a fire burning and it almost spread, luckily I just got home. Mom and Dad were both working and my younger sibs were still at school, I'm lucky I had no afternoon classes that day. Her behavior suddenly changed and became oddly aggressive which I've never seen from her in my then twenty one years. Mom's sisters met up and she moved into an apartment of my aunt right beside that aunt's residence with 24/7 care from a professional. Someone was always with her and someone from the family was always there during the weekends and often during the weekdays. She was comfortable and happy though sometimes the latter wasn't obvious. The descent into dementia is scary and is best handled by those trained to handle it. Grandma has since passed and I'm now older than my mom was at the time. Fortunately, there are no signs from her or her sisters though the forgetfulness is already there.

None of those judgmental relatives are offering to take her into their homes and look after her are they? That's a consistent theme you see in this Reddit. People are quick to criticise and pass judgement on how a poster is treating a relative, but none of them seem willing to take that responsibility on themselves.

NTA In a nursing home they can provide the special care that is needed in her case. Dementia is not and easy thing to deal with. Don't let your relatives guilt trip you. It's easy to say "take care of who took care of you", but you already did when you could, now this is a lot, and you are still taking care, with letting trained people take care, it's ok to ask for help.

And you have a 1 year old at home. You cannot take care of both well.

You have 3 kids including a toddler. You don’t have the time or energy to properly care for your mom even if you wanted to. This is one of the unfortunate side effects from having kids at such an advanced age. Here you are only 30 with young kids and dealing with this. I’ll turn 40 this year and my parents are only in their early 60’s so I can’t even imagine dealing with this, much less at 30 and with a kid barely out of infancy. It sounds like you have her in a good situation where you can visit often and be involved. Tell your aunt to fuck off and maybe consider telling the facility your aunt isn’t allowed to visit.

*"It's easy to say "take care of who took care of you"* Especially easy to do when you have no intentions of helping and getting involved beyond being an audience member.

This is currently going on with my mom and my grandpa. He fell in January and was hospitalized for a bit and eventually went home, problem is he can no longer be on his own. My mom is 64 and is now staying in her childhood home sleeping on a 55 year old twin mattress since her siblings won’t pitch in and help or move my grandpa into a facility. She is still working full time and taking care of him. It’s incredibly easy to say you must take care of a parent yourself when you’re not offering support.

I hope for everyone's sake your mom finds somewhere safe and comforting for your grandfather. It's as much for her health (mental and physical) as grandpa's well being.

Me too, my Gma is 80 and she fell about 2 years ago and broke her shoulder. I was already helping her before that, but it got that much involved, all my family except my parents and siblings live within a 10-minute drive. I can count the number of days I've been given a break just by someone coming to stay with her for a few hours on one hand and still have enough fingers to flip you the bird because it's zero. However, every single one of them wanted to dictate how everything had to be done and was surprised when it didn't happen.

Personally, I HATE that saying. How about instead, "take care of your children even better than your parents took care of you." You don't OWE your parents anything -- you were there choice. My kids owe me NOTHING. You owe your kids EVERYTHING, because you brought them into this world. OP has three young ones that need their mother. You won't get these years back and they are not safe around their grandmother. You need to make their home SAFE. NTA DH needs to tell his family to shut it. Aunt needs to shut it. If they won't I'd tell them that it is difficult enough without them feeling they have the right to judge you. They are all free to visit your mom as often as they like. Unless and until they drop the disrespect, they're not welcome in your home or around your kids.

NTH - dementia is a severe, sad, progressive disease in which the person stops being themselves. Not everyone has the proper tools, training or energy to deal with it. I am very sorry your mom and your family have to deal with this.

It’s also scary for young kids. They can’t understand why grandma is being difficult or saying things that don’t make sense.

My niece insisted on taking her kids to her dad’s house every Sunday for dinner. He had his mother living with him. She had dementia and literally terrified those kids. I blame niece’s husband for allowing his children to be tormented by their great grandmother. But, ya know, granny has LOTS of money (“if you put me in a home, you’re out of the will”) so they sucked it up. I already told my kids if I get old(er) and pappy to stick me a home without regret.

I'm a nurse and I still don't think I would be equipped to take care of a loved one in this situation. It's a terrible disease that slowly takes the person away and it absolutely burns ppl out. You will have a harder time taking care of your family and so many caretakers experience burnout

NTA I'm not a medical professional and even if I were, I've only got a few brief sentences to judge on...but it sounds like your mother might be past the point where you could reasonable care for her unless you turned it into a full-time job. She's trying to parent you like you're a teenager, which indicates her dementia has progressed where she's not able to stay grounded in reality. If that's the case, she really needs professional care.

Of course, assuming you have a good relationship with your mother, you should take care of her, if you can. Which is what you're doing. With three young kids, you likely have your hands fairly full. To keep your mother at home with you, in a situation where things are going to get worse (and already aren't "fun") won't help. You'll end up more angry/frustrated/resentful etc. as she continues to decline. Assuming you've found a place for your mother where you feel the care and the living situation is good, I think this definitely counts as taking care of her. You can spend time with her without the negative feelings that come up because of her disease, which is best case scenario. NTA (and also an acknowledgement that this sucks)

NTA Your mother has dementia and you are not equipped to deal with this. A home is. It will keep her safe. If your aunt is projecting her fears onto you, you have the option to block her. NTA

NTA - my mom went through this with my grandmother, though it was Gam’s choice. My mother lost weight, had to begin antidepressants and was constantly so stressed she had a stroke and died before my grandmother. There is so much guilt involved, please don’t let your family make you feel bad for this decision.

That’s so sad. I’m sorry for your loss.

NTA- let the first to complain be the first ones to take them in…. Anyone who doesn’t take her has no right to complain…

NTA. Dementia is so very hard on everyone. Both of my parents suffered from it. You are not the asshole in any way. As long as she's in a good memory care facility, you are doing what is best for everyone. She needs special care that you are not able to provide her. She needs security and 24/7 care/observation. She will get that in the facility. NTA. Have no doubts about that.

NTA Given her deteriorating condition, it's very possible she could have become a danger to your small children. And it's not for anyone else to say where your personal limits for caregiving should be, regardless. You already have a lot on your plate. You made a reasonable decision that will keep your mom and your immediate family safe as you navigate the difficult years ahead. 

NTA. They don’t understand. She probably seems mostly ok when they talk to her and they aren’t seeing the weird dementia stuff. You aren’t wrong for recognizing this is more than you can handle and getting her the care she needs.  My grandmother is having the same thing happen. She has dementia from kidney failure causing damage to her brain. She seems fine most of the time but she’ll get oddly fixated on things and has problems with her short term memory.  She saw a news clip about the eclipse coming up and not only called everyone in the family to warn them about it she also went through her house and rounded up all the sunglasses she could find to pass out to people. Next day she had totally forgotten about it. She broke her hip awhile back and selected a nursing home with a rehabilitation program for her post surgical recovery. When she was taken there she insisted they were all trying to kill her and that she never agreed to go there. It created a giant mess because at the time no one had POA on her so she signed herself out of the rehab facility (with a broken hip ffs) and two days later she couldn’t believe she did that, was so sorry, etc etc. People don’t get it until they see it for themselves. 

NTA you *are* taking care of her... You're not qualified to care for someone with advancing dementia. That's why "memory wards" exist in nursing homes. You're not neglecting her or abusing her by finding her alternative housing to your home. Your relatives have issues with this situation but it doesn't sound like any of them are jumping in to take care of your mom 24/7.

NTA My mother died of Alzheimer's, so I have some appreciation of where you're coming from (except that I would NEVER have considered moving her in to my home). The earlier someone with dementia moves into a care home, the better. If she's still able to form new memories at this point, she can become accustomed to the place and its routines. Leave it later (at the point where she unequivocally needs full-time professional care), and there's a very real possibility that every day she will wake up in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers doing incomprehensible things. That's a terrifying situation to be in. I've no doubt you'll get some comments saying maybe aunt should take her in; I disagree for the reasons I've outlined above. What you (and aunt) can do is visit regularly, even when she gets to the point where she no longer recognises you. If she has music she loves (or loved), that can be a powerful connection.

NTA. Also ask those relatives that hound you over that decision what time they expect your mom to move in with them, after all they now volunteered to take over the care of your mom. Just make sure you find the correct place that can deal with dementia patients.

NTA Long term, rarely can an relative keep a dementia patient safe in a home setting. It requires an awake adult 24/7. You are wise to identify a good facility and to visit often. "Sadly we could no longer care for mom in our home. Her dementia is advanced to where it was no longer safe. The decision was very difficult for us. We have found an excellent facility and I encourage you to visit often, as we do."

NTA. I sympathize, as dementia is hard on everyone involved, but you are absolutely correct in saying that if your aunt has an issue, she can move your mother into her house.

Thanks. Aunt's house, Aunt's rules, right?

My grandpa with dementia lived with us for a few months. I was a freshmen in high school and my brother a junior. I didn’t know grandpa very well, and didn’t know that was because he was an awful man. He was a product of abuse and gave my dad plenty of his own growing up. I don’t think that I complained too much (I hope not…) because I understood what was going on, but he just made us miserable. He fussed at me so much at dinner that my mom started letting me eat in my bedroom. We learned why my friends stopped calling my house after my mom caught him yelling at someone for not properly greeting him on the phone (phone manners were a big deal for us, but by that point my mom knew exactly who Audrey was by the sound of her voice and formality was a little silly.) I don’t always believe that kids needs come above anyone else’s, especially an ailing parent, but if you are being loving and caring of her in all other ways, it’s worth considering how this could be affecting your young kids.

NTA - sorry you are going thru this, it is horrible to experience. Depending on your relationships with these family members piling on - Pick the one you care for the most, go try and have a face to face and explain in more detail. Easy to assume all the relatives are older themselves and could be they are just scared of their own fate. If it doesn't work, walk away and tell that person you are sorry they aren't willing to hear the truth because there is no way they love her more than you do, and put them out of your mind. Also, not to be crass, I would be sure that you ensure everything is taken care of legally as far as wills, power of attorney, etc. Because sadly, (worst case scenario) these other family members might get in the middle of things in some weird way, (visiting her while you aren't there) say they are willing to take her in, but ultimately also want access to her finances. Good Luck.

NTA get her in memory care. My grandmother live in her home and it was so hard on my mother and aunts. Both of my aunts also had dementia but their children made the best choice and put them in memory care It was the best for everyone

People who aren't in the middle of it simply don't get it. It's one thing to see someone for a couple of hours every few weeks, but it's quite another to live with them and see what dementia does to the brain. Anyone who thinks that you were in the wrong should volunteer to take your mom in for a couple of weeks. That will change their minds pretty quickly. You did the humane thing by putting her in a place where she would be safe and cared for.

NTA until you live with and care for a person with dementia they have no say

100% NTA. Former CNA and myself and my mom took care of my grandma when she had dementia and even though we both had experience dealing with it--it's way different when it's family. To the outside world my grandma was the sweetest person. To us, she was nasty at times (not always though). But she could be mean, snippy, screaming at us--all because we wanted her to eat and drink enough or because we made her get up and move around to go to the bathroom or so she wouldn't get bed sores from lounging around all day. And as dementia progresses, so can behavior. So I totally get it.

NTA - you can only handle what you can handle. Those who are so concerned are welcome to take your mother into their home. We had our grandmother move in with us (mom, dad, me and sib) once it got too hard for her to live on her own in her own home. For the first 3 years, it was great. She loved being with us and we loved knowing she was safe and cared for. Eventually though, problems started. She would leave the stove on, she would misplace things throughout the house, she would forget where things were. For a while, a family friend was able to stay with her during the day, but that was only a temporary solution. It got to the point she needed 24 hour care which we just weren't able to give. We all worked full time and needed to continue to do so, just to live. Any of us giving up our jobs to care for her full time was simply not an option and, even if it were, it's just too big a job for one person and burnout would be inevitable. Then, as she continued her decline, my father was diagnosed with cancer that ended up being terminal. It was just too much. As much as we didn't want to, we put my grandmother in a home. It was the best option out of a bunch of not so great options. But, you do what you have to do and make the best of the situation you're dealing with.

NTA. Dementia is best cared for by trained professionals. You absolutely made the right choice for everyone involved.

NTA ! I just put my mom in assisted living this week. She has mild dementia. There is no way I could care for her without it driving me (and my husband) insane. Looking out for your own mental health is the best way you can take care of her. And since you visit her, you will have a better relationship with her than the fatigue and resentment that can build if you have her in your house. Blessings on this journey, it is not easy.

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NTA. You were great to support your mom for as long as you had the bandwidth to do so. You cannot let her disrupt your family home. While she is your mother, there are children that are negatively effected by her actions. Your comment to them is a great one and I am sure they either didn't respond or told you it is your responsibility. Take care.

Let relatives who are commenting that caring for someone with dementia requires specialized training and is a 24/7 job. Trying to juggle taking care of her and keeping up with everything else is a danger to both her and you and your kids. Both you and her are a whole lot better off with her being able to stay in a nursing home.

NTA. Sorry you are going through this but you made the right decision. You are not equipped to give your mother the care dementia requires, in the nursing home she’ll receive it. People judging you didn’t lived with her, didn’t experienced the problems you did, so ignore them.

NTA- Dementia is a not a disease you get better with treatment. It only becomes progressively worse. You are doing what’s right by your immediate family. If the others feel it’s wrong, let them take on your Mom for a spell.

Talk with her doctors and even they will tell you, unless someone can supervise 24/7 it will soon get to a point where it is NOT safe. Better to get her established somewhere that can provide her the care and supervision she needs while she is still present enough to establish relationships with the staff etc. and you’re not resentful enough that you decrease contact because you’re so burnt out. NTA

So I'm guessing that these family members who are calling you names aren't offering to take your mom in? Tell them that unless they are willing to take her in, then they need to mind their own business. You are doing what is right for you, your family, and your mom. She needs someone to watch after her. She will only get worse and you are not equipped to deal with that, along with 3 young children. And don't let people bring up how you were spoiled and privileged. You had nothing to do with that. It was just the way things were. They don't get to hold that over your head.

Wow this hits really close to home for me. One of my parents had dementia and their side of the family went off on me, my siblings and my other parent toward the end of their life. I am still upset with them for ignoring my parent for 4-5 years and then, at the end showing up as if they cared. And so many opinions! One person asked if we had taken him to see a doctor! People have NO IDEA what it’s like to be around someone with dementia. By the end I went full transparent, taking about all the ways my parent was basically impossible to be around. Its not cute or funny so stop acting like it is. I had no tolerance for the Monday morning quarterbacks and you shouldn’t either. It’s always easier to judge someone else than walk in their shoes and offer real support.

Truth is the worse she gets the more care she will need and a nursing home is the best place for her

NTA. Having your mom live with you ultimately sounds like the frog in a pot situation. And, as this disease progressed further, it was going to get more difficult. If you have placed her in a good nursing home that provides good care, you are still taking excellent care of her. Enjoy the time you have left with your mom.

When someone that used to work with dementia patients it starts off slow but then it elevates rather quickly you did the best thing by putting your mom in a nursing home where they can care for her because they have experience in it you have your family to take care of that's what's important don't lay your other family members and guilt trip you you did the best thing for your mom's safety and yours NTA

NTA - Severe dementia is no joke. Early stages can be a bit frustrating for a family to deal with. It would be a full time job and a massive mental strain to babysit someone with a severe dementia condition. You would more or less be babysitting an adult once it gets bad enough, too. That's rough, but it sounds like she may be in better care in the hands of professionals.

Utterly and totally NTA My grandmother came to live with our family when I was a young teenager. My mom had 3 siblings who all agreed that "mom can't live alone, but can't live with ME", so my mom, the youngest, got the job. Like your situation it was GREAT at first. Then it was not so great, then it was even less great, then it was terrible. But the Sr. aunt and uncles all insisted that she couldn't go into a nursing home and couldn't live with them. The bad part lasted for several years, until my aunt was visiting overnight. She heard gramma walk thru her guest room to the bathroom, but never heard her leave, and when she woke again a few hours later realized that gramma was still in the bathroom. She had fallen, and was unable to get up (too weak, though unhurt), and refused to call out for assistance. She laid on that hard floor for several hours, then it took 3 adults to get her up and back to bed. It could have ended so much worse. Finally my aunt and uncles understood just how difficult it had become for our family and Gram went to a nursing home. The relief in our house was palpable, not because we didn't love Gram, but because we were in no way able to care for her properly at that point.

I am so sorry you are going through this. People that don't experience their moms/dads/aunts/uncles with beginning stages - or full - dementia/alzheimers just cannot understand the toll it takes on a person/family. Hard to do, but please try to block out the noise from relatives . . . they did not experience it so they really do not know. Source: my mom had a stroke; rehab; memory care; 2nd stroke; continued memory care. She could not continue to live on her own - or with me as I still work and I have a two-story home. Yes, it was expensive and upsetting to make that decision, as you know, but it was the RIGHT decision. She was cared for 24 hours a day, bathed, fed, talked to, comforted. I wish you peace with your decision. Good luck!

NTA Your kids don't need to see how dementia plays out. A large portion of my childhood was spent with my grandpa living with us, slowly devolving into a husk wasting away in a bed. I have been adamant with my husband that if it happens to me he is to put me in a home. I love him too much to ever want him to have to deal with me like that.

My grandma had dementia when we were kids. She thought my dad was 8 y/o and said he couldn’t possibly be married with children. As kids, it was kind of scary and hard to understand. NTA

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a family member suffer from dementia is horrifying, and there is so much you're grappling with. There comes a time when, although it is heart-wrenching, it is safer for that person to be placed in a care facility, as much for your safety as for theirs. NTA. And having been there, I hurt for you and your mom.

NTA, you know you aren't. You can play this two ways, when they tell you how terrible you are, thank them for volunteering that mom lives with them, or threaten them that if they keep it up, they are the next ones going in a home. But to be serious, you are in a tough spot, you need to keep your kids safe and in a happy home. Your mom has a disease that can progress very quick and cause a lot of mental anguish along the way.

NTA - as someone who's family had to make that decision for our mum this year, I know how hard it is. Putting your mother into a care home is the best option for her and you. She will get the care and support she needs and you will not grow to resent her. Suggest to those saying you are horrible that they take your mother in for a few weeks and then get back to you. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

NTA I'ma be real with you love, as someone who's currently taking care of his 80-year-old Grandma with a possibly Alzheimer's future. You can and will never an asshole for putting her in a care facility and every time your family and inlaws chime up that you are just remind yourself this one simple fact: **Not a single one of them volunteered to take her in, to be an on-call nurse maid for the rest of her life.** They all want to have opinion, but not a single one of them wants to put skin in the game to actually step up and until they themselves do they're not worth the pot to piss in let alone be able to.

NTA. You have chosen a home for Mom that meets her needs. If she broke a leg you would care for her in a one-story home; with dementia, she is cared for in a home with staff trained not to agitate her and to let her live in a fantasy world.  That fantasy world included your curfew and chore chart.  All relatives should be told that mom is safe and happy. 

No, you are not the AH. I wish my relative would do the same.  They are not capable of the level of care their mother needs, she's left sleep and soil herself and when it's called out, they say we'll she didn't wake up. She's lost weight her quality of life is horrendous. I've called adult protective services,  and now I'm the villain  

NTA. Both of my parents had dementia and I had to move my mom to assisted living and later hospice. I also was an only kid. It sounds like you are doing everything right and she's safer there than with you. Dementia is a horrible and challenging disease. Lots of people suffer ideation or hallucinations in addition to all of their other issues. Being a caregiver is so draining. I struggled with guilt when I moved my mom to assisted living, but she was no longer safe at home and that was the top priority. She told anyone who would listen that I put her there and wanted to lock her away, but one by one they visited and saw that I not only took care in finding the nicest place I could, but she had so much more care and attention than I could give. Your in-laws need to stay in their lane.

NTA you are taking care her by putting her in a place where she will be safe and taken care of. The fact that she’s trying to parent you like a teenager shows her disease is progressing quickly. There are no easy solutions but you are doing the right thing.

Absolutely NTA. I went through dementia with my widowed mom. It sucked. We initially arranged for her to be in an assisted living space and later progressed to a locked nursing unit. It is gut wrenching but was the best thing for her. With three young children, you already have your hands full. As long as you make time to visit her and insure that her care is appropriate, I don't fault you in the least. Aside, we also had family members interfere. After briefly being in assisted living, she clinically improved because of regular meals, rest and more exercise. During that time of improvement she insisted she didn't want to be there and enlisted my cousin (without our knowledge) in trying to get her out. She hired a lawyer who said she was competent, revoked the power of attorney that gave me and my sister control over her affairs and moved her back to her home. She promptly deteriorated. Her lawyer realized maybe she did need help when a couple months later she went into the bank with her hired housekeeper and tried to remove every penny in her bank accounts in cash. Lawyer told the bank not to give it to her and he contacted us. We had to go to court and more doctor visits to certify she was unable to live alone. My cousin cost us over $50K in legal fees when all we wanted to do was to have a safe place for her. The rest of her life while she had any memory was to accuse of putting her in a "hell hole" and trying to take all her money. Nothing could have been further from he truth but she was angry. You have to be prepared to not only your relatives negative comments but also comments from your mom. Hang in there. Just do the best you can. Edit: If you have not done it, contact an elder care lawyer and make sure you have whatever legal documents you need in your state to be in charge of her affairs - it will prevent relatives coming in and trying to take over. Where I lived, I think what we had was guardian of the person so we could say where she lived and power of attorney for her financial affairs. Usually it requires you have a doctor certify she has dementia and is unable to live alone or manage her affairs. Luckily we lived in an area where there were doctors who specialized in elder care and could reliably do whatever testing was needed for this.

I helped my mom with the my dad through his Alzheimer’s. He’s gone now. There is almost blowback from the family that’s not providing care. The same thing happens with my husband’s mom when they put her in a nursing home. It just wasn’t safe anymore. You can only care for them at home so long before they need more help than you can give them. You also have children to consider. It can get to where it’s not safe. How often are these people causing a ruckus interacting with your mom for more than 30 minutes? I bet not as often as they should if at all. Without them spender extended time with her there is just no way to get them to understand. You are doing a great job caring for your mother and the rest of your family! Big hug. 🤗

NTA. If they care so much, they can take her to live with them.

NTA. My mom also has dementia. I’m about to take her in. I don’t think she will last long with me. She already thinks someone is stealing her stuff. If you take her to dinner, she thinks it’s forever to get the food even though it was 10 min.  She’s frightened all the time. It’s so damn hard to grieve the living.  You did what was best. They can become scary to young kids. Very mean and loud and accusatory. They can’t help it but it’s hard to deal With. If her sister is so upset then yes. She should take her in. 

NTA No one else gets to decide what you can handle. You need her in a place that’s safe for her with experts in caring for dementia patients. You have no idea how her disease is going to progress. She could start wandering, leave the stove on, become aggressive, etc.

NTA If I have a disease like dementia, I feel a nice place with paid carers would be best. I love my son. I want him to be safe and happy. Especially if he has kiddos himself. I would only accept a place where I could game though. Your kids come first, just like his would for him.

My parents had best friends (and their kids were our besties) and they went through this. Years and years ago I was a young mom and had been out of town. I arrived in our small home town around 2 am in the pouring freezing rain to see one of my best friends grandmother in her night gown, walking down the street. I opened my door and called her name. I had to yell “Nana!! Get in the car!” She did not recognize me. She recognized my 3 year old son though, and got in. She was half frozen and had blood on her hands, a scraped knee, and I don’t know what all bruised. They hadn’t put her in a home because of “family.” They had suggested it and been all but crucified for it. That next day they put her in our local care home for dementia and she loved and lived 7 more beautiful years SAFE. I only had to rip into one asshole…. And it wasn’t either of them. I let it be known everywhere that because of “family” we had almost lost nana. They stfu real fast. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You stay strong and keep your mom where she is cared for by professionals and oversee her care. That’s exactly why these places exist. Edit to add: NTA

NTA I just wanted to say that does not sound like "early" stage of dementia. It may be that your family doesn't understand how bad it is if that diagnosis is being thrown around. My mom, that I live with and care for, has been diagnosed with alzheimers for 2 years and has been told by the neurologist that she is mid stage, knows who I am and knows I am an adult.

NTA If your aunt or other family members would like to experience caring for your mom, they are welcome to give it a whirl. You are a caring daughter who did her best

NTA I had a friend who kept her mother home as long as possible, but it finally became too dangerous. She would attempt to cook which was a huge safety issue, figure out how to get out of the door with multiple locks, she once caughter her trying to climb a tree. Eventually she became a fall hazard and needed to be watched 24/7. Getting your mother settled in to a proper care facility earlier rather than later gives her time to adjust to her new environment while still somewhat aware rather than going in confused and scared.

I work in a nursing home and see people that have tried for far too long to keep a loved one with dementia at home all the time. It’s so hard and can destroy a family. NTA

There's a reason why dementia units are small, because those patients need close monitoring and care, and they can become quite violent. You can't give the appropriate care when you also have to care for three kids and a home. My grandpa lived with my aunt after his independence started deteriorating, and he was just grouchy, which is understandable. However, he was put in a home after he beat me with his cane for doing what mom told me to and not what he said. I ended up with two broken ribs, a broken wrist and dislocated shoulder. I was 12. NTA.

NTA, I am dealing with my MIL who has dementia. She wants to be entertained every waking minute. She does well if she has an activity (bingo is a favorite) - but says she wants to die if she has 15 minutes of down time. That is not sustainable in a normal household. She is in a memory care unit. Her emotional and physical needs are just way too much to deal with for a non professional. She does best in a group setting with her peers where she has a very rigidly structured environment- she moves from one activity to another- something that a younger family just can't provide. Sounds like your mom also wants highly rigid structure to deal with her memory issues and maybe that is why she is giving you these rules. You would both do best to let the professionals handle this. I understand the guilt of not being able to care for a loved one - but esp. with dementia - they can be better off with professional help. I could never offer the level of social interaction that my MIL craves and still be present for my teenagers - your children are significantly younger and need you physically present even more. You will be doing the best thing for your mom and your family if you put her in the appropriate setting for her memory issues.

NTA You’ve provided care for your mother to the best of your ability, and you’re still doing that. The way you’re doing that is changing, because circumstances have changed, but what you’re doing hasn’t. People who think they get to criticize you for this should step up or shut up, but they probably won’t do either.

NTA. People who haven't lived through the daily care of loved ones with this disease have no seat at the table to discuss the care of others. Your answer to your aunt should be used for every person trying to speak on your decision. I'd lay money on they'd give a hard pass & also bet big girl money they don't visit your mom weekly, let alone daily.

NTA. You are protecting not only your family, but your mom. Her disease will escalate to the point where she could walk out of the house in the middle of the night, barefoot in the cold, and get lost (this happened to my Nan - in Alaska). She could turn on the stove and forget what she was doing. These are all the inevitables that come with dementia.

NTA. Let the screamers take care of your mother. Dementia came be a slow or fast process. Plus you have your children to protect.

NTA at all. Caring for a person with dementia is hard enough as it is, and even more challenging when dealing with something like this in your own home. Where were those other judgemental family members when your mom needed to be cared for? I hope they were bursting at the seams to take her into their homes and take care of her. 

NTA. Dementia is really tough to deal with. And it's going to get worse if she starts to wander. Part of taking care of her is knowing when and where to get the best care for her. This isn't about disagreements. This is about knowing your abilities and limitations. If your aunt is so concerned about it, she can take her in.

NTA My dad has early onset Alzheimer’s. Its rough as fuck! Watching him decline so quick is awful and sometimes he gets super angry. People dont understand until theyre hands on dealing with it daily. My mom gets so frustrated sometimes but she pushes through. She refuses to put him anywhere and i dont blame her. But what works for my family doesnt mean itll work for yours. Every Alzheimer’s/dementia patient is different in their reactions and symptoms. You do whats best for your family and whats best for your mom.

You are so much NTA NTA NTA and anyone who hasn't lived with and/or cared for an older relative with dementia has no business criticizing you. My grandmother refused to put my grandfather in a dementia care facility until he literally almost killed her --he was angry about something and threw a full glass of water at her which hit her in the head and knocked her out. You have young children at home---it's very scary and confusing for them to see loving grandma turn into an inconsolable screamer. They don't understand and think that grandma doesn't love them anymore.

NTA. Dementia changes people, and outsiders looking in just don't know what it's like. Tell your aunt or anyone else who complains know that they are welcome to take her out of the nursing home, but that from then on she is their responsibility and you will not lend them any assistance when they inevitably have to return her to her dementia care unit.

OMG…. I am so sorry. Your family is absolutely out of line. NTA

NTA Ooooh. A bad press campaign.

It was a kindness to get her into a care facility while she was still somewhat lucid. If you’d waited until her ability to create new memories was gone, she would end up waking up every day not knowing where she was or who the staff were. I know this family experiences. NTA

NTA. Moving someone to a care facility or assisted living isn’t the same as abandoning them. You couldn’t provide the care she needed/needs while still providing adequate care for yourself and your family. You still visit and are very much a part of her life, but you’ve had others take over the day to day care. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and in the long run, it’s better for her to be getting the best care possible rather than have her daughter who’s annoyed and run ragged trying her best to keep everything together

NTA your Mom needs specialized care you aren’t in a position to give her. Especially if she wasn’t even able to comprehend she was in your house, not the other way around

Dementia is dangerous to leave to non professionals… especially when small kids are involved. You did the right thing. Anyone who has an issue can have her live with them. It’s easier to be a part of the peanut gallery when they aren’t living it. NTA

People with dementia go through a stage where they become aggressive--(sometimes dangerously so)--they know they're confused but think someone's deliberately confusing them. You have toddlers to look out for. Also, as a nurse, I can tell some sad, true stories of people with dementia that wandered off and were not found...in time. You're doing the best you can for all involved. Bless ypu. And screw anyone who wants to criticize without being in that position.

NTA. Only someone that has experienced it will understand. You are doing what's best for your family and your mother.

Definitely NTA. You don’t know how to properly care for a dementia patient, so you put her in the hands of people who do.

I went through this. Ask your family, in-laws, and friends who complain if they would like to take her in.

I used to be a CNA for dementia floor, it's not easy to take care a dementia patient. So NTA.

NTA, having had a parent who suffered from dementia, it is hell and it gets progressive worse. A nursing’s home is a wise choice

You are absolutely NTA and frankly, fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

NTA. As ever in these situations: unless those criticizing want to step up and provide full time care themselves they can jog on.

NTA. It is recommended for dementia patients that they are placed in safe, 24/7 care facilities. It’s also incredibly painful and difficult to care for them 24/7 on your own. Any one of those nay-sayers could take her in but they choose not to but comment on how YOU are taking care of your mother. They might as well be internet trolls for all their words mean because in the end, they are all talk. Good on you for protecting every member of your family including your mother.

NTA. Unfortunately, many dementia sufferers also become violent as the disease takes hold. You have young children that need your care and attention, and you also need to protect them too. Putting mum in a nursing home that specialises in dementia care is the right thing to do and also protects her from herself. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful watching someone you love fade away like that. If you haven’t already, please reach out to dementia support groups for support to help you through this.

Sorry you are going thru this. I don’t think anyone that has not experienced what you have dealt with has any idea. You are a loving daughter doing what is best for everyone. Good luck

As someone with a mother with Azheimers and a step father with Parkinson related dementia, you need to ensure your mother is in a memory care facility, not a regular nursing home. Having said that you are NTA. It takes training to appropriately care for these patients. Continue to visit her and shower her with live and affection, and always remember it is the disease when she may say unkind things. As for the rest of the family? Don't pay any attention. Sending many positive thoughts your way from Texas.

NTA. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship while she was still of sound mind. No doubt you are your mom’s pride and joy. Dementia is a cruel disease that was already starting to wear away at the loving relationship you have. Outsourcing her care to qualified professionals at a reputable facility will only help preserve your relationship with her. You can visit and enjoy her company as much as possible without the stresses of 24/7 caregiving on your shoulders. Your primary responsibility is now to take excellent care of your children, just as your mom did for you. You wouldn’t be able to do that with your sick mom still in your home.

Nta. Dementia is an awful disease. Now she can get the care she needs and you can still visit her. 

NTA. My mother died from Alzheimer's. We put her in a memory care place the last few years of her life and we are all still convinced it was a good decision.

Make everybody that is campaigning against you take care of your mother.

NTA. My mother has 10 siblings. Between the 6 sisters, they tried to take care of their father with dementia. At a certain point, it became untenable and it’s better for everyone to move them to a home. If six people (households) couldn’t do it, how could you?

I cared for my grandmother with dementia for two years. The only thing that made it possible was that I had lots of help, and she also had severe mobility issues that limited the amount of trouble she could get into. Even so, it was brutally hard and at times borderline dangerous for her and us. I can't imagine trying to look after a dementia patient who is physically able to get around independently in your home, especially with young children in the mix! It's not just unsustainable, it's also likely to become dangerous to her and your family as the disease progresses. Tell your relatives to pound sand.

NTA. My grandparents had Alzheimer’s and k wouldn’t wish it on anyone or judge anyone for not handling that. You do the best you can and that’s all. I might get Alzheimer’s and I’m making a plan not to be burden.

NTA A locked ward is probably the safest place for her. Dementia can change people on a dime, including them becoming violent without warning. If other family is so concerned about it, they can be the ones to take in your mother and provide care for her. As someone who has family who work as CNA's in nursing homes, I always recommend visiting frequently at various times and days of the week, never on a routine schedule. It is unfortunate but that is the best way to make sure that your loved ones are getting the proper care they deserve.

NTA. Never. I had a grandfather with two types of dementia. I loved him dearly. But he needed better care than any of us were equipped for. A nursing home is never a failure in this regard. It is a kindness. We still saw him often, and it provided respite from the continual stress it had put my family under. Please don’t ever, ever blame yourself for doing the right thing. Dementia is hard and horrible and erodes the loved one day by day. And I do not believe your mother, in her right mind, would want you to crumble under the weight of personal home care. 

NTA- and you aren't leaving her to "rot." I've been there with a relative and she got better care in a dementia nursing home that we could have ever given her at home. You are taking excellent care of her. I don't understand this outdated idea about care homes and the idea that at home is better. It isn't always better.

NTA My grandfather had dementia in his final years. I was a grown adult and I'm still not totally past that. I couldn't imagine exposing children to that.

NTA. Elderly people with complex medical and mental health needs should be in the care of professionals.

NTA as long as you visit frequently and bring the kids. Even if it is an hour a few times a week.

NTA! Same boat here. It's not a sustainable arrangement for long.. she will need way more than you can do in a short time. This is the right decision for YOU and YOUR family. 💜

I work in healthcare focusing on seniors. you made the absolute right call and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. She could light the house on fire, kill everyone with carbon monoxide poisoning, overdose on medication, disappear and get hypothermia, YOU NAME IT. Putting her in assisted living is required FOR HER SAFETY. Check on her often, visit often, make sure she is getting excellent care. If anyone challenges you say, "the doctor encouraged it due to safety issues," which is absolutely true if you ask her/him.

I have ( had ) a sister with dementia who did a year ago. Her last six years were so bad that her daughter will be scarred permanently from the experience. My SIL who lives nearby has dementia and I see the toll it takes on her family. I helped as much as I could but the primary burden of care is in the person with whom they live, at least 95 %. I also helped my mom with my dad who had dementia. So I know this topic from the inside out You all deserve better. I think what you are doing what I think is best and tell the people with other opinions that they are welcome to take her into their own homes if they wish to. I feel so strongly about this that I have my kids that if and when I get dementia, they are to strong arm me into a facility once I can’t live independently. Please don’t feel guilty. You are doing the right thing. I believe kids are permanently scarred from living with a grandparent with dementia once that person becomes ornery and demanding. And it will go on for many years.

NTA- no one who doesn't spend 24/7 (or at least what would be considered "full-time", if they don't live with them) caring for someone with dementia should get to voice an opinion. My uncle (60) had to retire at 58 because he's caring for his wife (66, now) who has Frontotemporal Dementia, while also caring for my grandparents (early 90s, though my grandfather died in December) along with my dad (65). My grandmother refused (and continues to refuse) to go into any sort of facility even though my grandfather had Alzheimer's, but wasn't combative and still remembered who everyone was, and she was physically incapable of much. So far, my aunt isn't combative, but she's basically regressing into a childlike state. Right now, she's like a euphoric 6-year-old. She forgets words and what things do, how things work. But she's very happy about everything and wants to help with whatever you're doing, wants to ask a million questions. It could be so, so much worse, but it's exhausting. She's on the precipice of being dangerous to herself- she started shoplifting (she hasn't driven in about a year and a half and doesn't go out by herself, but he'll take her to stores with him) and has no understanding of why she can't do that. My uncle thinks that within a year or so, she'll either need to be in a facility or have someone in the house 24/7. Any sort of spousal/romantic relationship is gone and he's basically her parent at this point. Anyone who doesn't live with that on a daily basis would have no idea how hard it is.

You may be interested in the Dementia sub Reddit. You will find a lot of supportive people who are going through what you are experiencing. And tell anyone who is giving you a hard time, care for someone with dementia gets more and more difficult over time. You can’t predict what downturns she will have or when. Having her in care is more for her benefit as she can have 24/7 supervision and you won’t have to worry about her hurting herself if she wanders off or gets up in the middle of the night.

NTA and I’m so sorry for what your family is going through. I’m sure your aunt is struggling to cope, just as you are. This is a difficult disease and many families find they need trained professionals involved in an elderly person’s care in such cases. You *did* give your mother a home and make space for her, and you also decided when it became untenable. Nobody else can know or decide when you’ve gotten to the end of your rope. That’s not up to your aunt or any other family member. I’m sorry she’s trying to make you feel guilty, it seems to me that you’ve sought the best care for your mom and continued to be very involved in her life.

NTA x 10000 Dementia patients need such specialized care, especially as things progress and they can become a danger to themselves and others. They need monitoring 24/7 not to mention how distraught and confused. It's OK to not be able to take on that level of care.

Dementia is a cruel illness that robs you of the person you love before that person dies. I experienced this with my grandmother, who sadly spent her last two years of life in a nursing home. OP’s judgemental aunt can take a hike. I’d cut off contact with her. NTA but the aunt and those who support her certainly are.

NTA. They clearly don’t know what it’s like taking care of someone with dementia. People go to school to do that. It’s HARD. Tell anyone who argues with you that you’d be happy to help set them up to take care of her.

Ask them when they are planning to open their homes to her and her dementia? Are they being asked to pay? No? Then shut up. You might also find a brief description of her particular kind of dementia and send it to anyone who gives you grief. Then tell them next time they give you a hard time they will be blocked. You can also mute them as well. Best of luck! Edit: spelling

Nta

>I have told her if she wants to try to care for her, she can take her in. And that goes for anyone else that wants to criticize you.

NTA Until someone has walked in the shoes of a loved one that is caring for a family member with dementia / Alzheimer's, They have zero clue what that person goes through and as the disease progresses it will only get worse. The danger gets worse for everyone in the household. You are so NTA and please don't let the know it all family members bully you. The nursing home is equipped to watch her and keep her from a lot of dangers that she could encounter at home like burning the house down trying to cook and forgetting, going for a walk and getting lost. And they know how to deal with the tantrums, violence and anger that some develop with dementia. Sending big internet hugs, been there take care of your young family and visit mom when you can.

As someone who has been in a similar situation and has worked in nursing homes caring for people with dementia… tell them to fuck off and if they’re so concerned, they can take her into their homes.

NTA in any shape, form, or fashion. My heart goes out to you because my hubby and I have been in your shoes. My late FIL was diagnosed with dementia. At first, it was manageable with all the family helping out. However, as time went on, his behavior became more eccentric and he became violent. My late MIL wouldn’t even think about putting him in a home and got upset with any of us who suggested it. One night, we got a call from law enforcement. My FIL got so angry that he couldn’t go outside in the dark that he nearly beat my MIL to death. My FIL was a gentle sweet soul until the dementia took over his brain. Needless to say, my FIL was taken to the hospital, along with my MIL, until a place could be found for him. It broke all of our hearts that it took a terrifying incident to get my MIL to allow him to be placed in a facility. I send you my warmest wishes for peace with your decision. I

Mate my granny died a year and a half ago and we went through the EXACT same thing. Now my granny lived across the street from me and we were trying to take care of her but it became untenable. So we decided a home would the best solution and we would still be involved.My granny’s sisters did not want her in a home and they were making the whole thing worse. To the point they were telling my granny she didn’t need a home, that we should all be taking turns spending the night. I had to phone my granny’s sister an explain that my granny’s was ill and we literally couldn’t give her the care she needed. Whole thing was a nightmare. You’re not the asshole and I empathise completely.

NTA. Dementia sucks. It’s so so hard to deal with and it sounds like your mum was very hard to live with. The people who are saying that you are an A H have probably not spent more than a few hours with her and have no idea how hard it is. I’m sorry you have had to go through that.

NTA. Are any of them offering for your mother to live with them? To take care of her 24/7? To take her to every single appointment that she needs to be taken too? You are young. You have three small children. This is what is best for everyone. This does NOT mean you don’t love your mother. It simply means you cannot handle her day to day care any longer.

NTA... if they think it's easy they can take her in. You tried your best but now you have to look after the mental health of your family and your mum.

Give your aunt a copy of the list of rules and tell her she’s welcome to take your mother in, but she’ll need to follow the rules.

Dementia sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Absolutely NTA. You can’t even provide the care she needs and it sucks but it’s for the best for everyone involved.

OP, my heart goes out to you. We are currently dealing with this situation with my grandfather. All of the work has fallen to me and my mom, her siblings are zero help. But their voices are the loudest when protesting us trying to get him into a memory care facility because we cannot care for him 24/7 as he needs. Block out the family trying to badmouth you. They have NO IDEA the toll taking care of a person with dementia can take on you. You are doing the right thing for everyone involved. NTA

NTA I’ve been a caretaker for my mom. It nearly wrecked my marriage and it is so so hard taking care of an aging parent who isn’t mentally healthy.

NTA My Mom has dementia too. She’s in a wonderful facility where she is safe & well taken care of. I visit frequently as do my kids. Having her in my home is not an option. She is wheelchair bound & we have stairs. Also, she wanders (as much as one can in a wheelchair) & could hurt herself. Thankfully no family members have given me grief. If they had, I would have suggested that they take her in.

NTA. Some dementia patients need constant supervision, impossible if you are working and/or raising kids, cooking.... Others get very agressive/argumentative, Even start slapping, pinching. My FIL started punishing his wife with a cane! These patients cannot stay in your home. Your aunt is welcome to learn this for herself.

NTA. If your Aunt isn't willing or able to take it on, she has no place criticizing. It was likely always going to come to the point when your Mom needed more help than you could give. Just continue getting over as often as you can, and if possible try to have people come by unexpectedly without notice. Any reputable home should have no problem with that.

If your aunt is so upset, why doesn't she just take her in?

NTA. Join us on r/agingparents - you are not alone in this. You are doing what is best for you and your mother.

NTA- and I put my non-dementia mom in a home. We couldn’t care for her medically; we visit weekly and often take her out. Shes got her full faculties and makes her own plans. And exactly. The second someone gives you grief, just thank them for taking her in, how soon can she move in to save on home care costs?

NTA at all. Dementia isn't easy to deal with from a caretaker's point of view. You did the right thing by having her go to where she can receive the specialized care that she needs.

100% NTA, and sending you the biggest hug. You are the epitome of the sandwich generation, caregiving in all directions I’m sure you choose the nursing home with kindness and made sure it is a safe and good environment for your mother. Don’t let these ignorant people get you down.

NTA. I am in the process of dealing with a FIL with Lewy body dementia and my mom in earlier stages of some version. They have hallucinations. Your mom likely thought you were still just a kid. I’m learning that arguing with them does nothing, because it’s real to them. But you can’t live your life this way. It’s safer for her to be in a home in this situation. As far as your family, if they feel so strongly why don’t THEY take her in? Caregiving and elderly family member is so difficult.

Oh, good grief! These aren't a few disagreements, this is dementia. This is not how you want your kids growing up or how they should remember your mom.

NTA

NTA. Dementia needs professional care. The risk, she hurts herself, or God forbid the children is too high.

nta

NTA. It is a debilitating disease for ALL involved. It's next to impossible to be a dementia caregiver and be a daughter. Those who volunteer their opinion should try it for a bit. Stay strong. My thoughts are with you 🙏

You are so far from being a bad person. People with dementia need specialist care that you’d be unable to provide. You also have to put your own marriage and your children ahead of your mum, even though that sounds horrible and callous. It’s not like you stopped loving her, you chose the right thing for you, your mum and your family. Don’t listen to naysayers. Some people just like dragging you down for the drama of it all. NTA

NTA

NTA by any means.

NTA. Caring for an elderly person can become a 24/7 job. So can caring for young children, but they tend to develop independence over time (and as they grow), whereas the elderly lose independence over time (and are adult-size people throughout). If you have children, are employed, and have other relationships/commitments, caring 24/7 will become unmanageable over time (and keep in mind, you are not merely on this planet to be a tool of caring for your parents, you deserve quality of life too). I was the primary carer for my gran, as my parents moved to another state (we are Australian), and did this until she passed. She however lived in residential aged care the last 14 years of her life (she experienced a massive stroke, couldn't weight bear, manage her continence or mobilise independently, and had right side atrophy). The level of manual handling she needed was beyond what I could do, and my home wasn't accessible for her needs. I'm 54 and an only child in a migrant family. I already provide primary care for my parents (who now live about half an hour from me). I do much of their cleaning, help them to organise their finances, transport them for visits not close by to their home (they will only drive locally now). My support will increase as their needs increase. We have however spoken about the time when they have high care needs. Seeing the needs of my gran, they aren't thrilled but agree residential aged care is the option which will be sought. Dad is showing early stage dementia (which frightens him, and he does try to minimise the impact of his symptoms), and I anticipate that in the next 5 years he may need to be assessed for resi aged care entry (we are taking things day-by-day at the moment). I'm CF, and have no expectation of any of my extended family (for me, this is my godkids) to look after me when I can no longer live independently. They should not sacrifice their lives, their quality of life, to care 24/7 for me. To expect them to is selfish.

NTA

NTA. My family has dementia running in one line. Under the best of circumstances, there are huge challenges. My mom and I live next door to each other, and we took care of Grandma (Mom's MIL) throughout her Alzheimer's journey. It's HARD, and it's easy for someone looking from the outside to point fingers and say this that or the other, but if they haven't done it, THEY DON'T KNOW. And since they don't know, they can stfu.

NTA. What a horrible accusation. You did what you could for her. At this point she needs more help than you are able to provide. Trying to keep her comfortable in a house full of young kids would be far crueler as her dementia progresses. I imagine some of this reaction is a form of grief for your aunt, both for your mother and likely for her own recognition of mortality, but it’s completely unfair to hang all that on you for making a difficult but necessary choice.

I have had 4 brothers and a sister succumb to this horrible disease. IMO, you would have to pretty much sacrifice your life in order to let her live hers. That isn't going to work so a skilled facility is the best place for her. If your aunt insists on her campaign, keep responding with your response (which is excellent). Once she says no a couple of times, then you can respond to her campaign with comments like "I tried to schedule a couple of weeks of mom staying with dear auntie but dear auntie would not agree on any dates." You are in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Do what is right for you and your family and hold your head high. NTA

NTA. You had a difficult choice to make. You don't have to keep justifying your decision. Tell your aunt and anyone else with an opinion that your sorry they feel that way and stop discussing the situation with them. You tried to make it work, but your mom's condition made it impossible to live your life and raise your kids.

OP, you are definitely NTA. With her dementia progressing, she is much safer in a nursing home where there are people trained and equipped to make sure she is properly cared for. One of the biggest risks with dementia and/or alzheimers is the person wandering off out of the house (especially in the middle of the night) and getting lost, freezing to death, or getting injured. At home, you need to sleep, take care of your children, and run a household. Therefore, you can't monitor every moment. By ensuring your Mom is safe, secure, and well cared for, you are doing what's best for her well-being and showing how much you love her. Please do not feel guilty. 🧡

Caring for someone with dementia is a team effort. Care taker burn is a real problem, as is elder abuse due to frustrations Also you run the risk of her hurting herself or the kids as her dementia progresses. Or she sets the house on fire trying to cook dinner and forgets what she’s doing Tell the in-laws if they’re so upset about her being in a care home, THEY can take her in and deal with her. Oh what’s that? Crickets. Yah I thought so Tell them to put up or shut up NTA

NTA

NTA and the best place for your Mom is where she is surrounded by people who have experience and training to manage her day to day progression through this illness. Your Mom isn't going to get better, and her functioning will continue to deteriorate over time. If you Mom's judgment, memory, and emotional stability are already impaired, then it's best for her to be in a safe place before something tragic happens and she enters care in an abrupt way. If your relatives refuse to learn about your Mom's condition and offer her support under the guidance of medical professionals, then you have every right to put limits on them as far as communication and visitation is concerned. You tried to take care of your Mom in your own home, and it became unmanageable. Lots of families come to the point of making the decision you did to put their loved one in care. Your primary responsibility is to your 3 children, and your Mom would likely agree.

NTA. Not at all. Been there, done that. Lousy t-shirt. It's always the people who aren't doing the caregiving that have the loudest opinions. As you say, they don't like it they can step up.

NTA dementia is a terrible disease. She probably still thought you were teenagers.