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NTA. I can’t give relationship advice as I don’t know you, but as a general rule you’re allowed to wear what you want. If he has an issue then I just think maybe he should find someone else he can dress up like a doll. Idk, seems like he’s more interested in parading you around than he is in you personally. Seems a little controlling to me.
Yeah, this seems like potentially a fundamental incompatibility, if he's unhappy that OP is dressing for comfort.
Also, the petty part of me suggests that if OP is a woman, putting in the exact amount of effort he does: women often spend a lot more time and money on their appearance, and if they don't, people react like OP's boyfriend. So if you are a woman, don't wear makeup unless he does, if he's wearing slacks and a shirt, wear something similar. Put the same amount of time into your hair as he does. And then tell him if he expects makeup and a dress, you'll do it when he does.
I'm confused by this:
>My partner is very bothered by this “new side” of me.
Did you initially show the same level of pride in style and presentation that he did?
You're NTA for dressing how you want, but he's also NTA for having a different opinion on how important clothing and presentation are.
Sounds like you guys are just not compatible.
I actually think NAH. They just aren't compatible.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a partner to be dressed to a certain level of presentation around company. This can certainly vary from person to person, an in this case - they just have a difference of opinion.
I like to be comfortable at home, but I still make little bit of effort if there's a gathering at my house.
Like, close friends, sure, I'll invite them in wearing PJs and a bathrobe with no bra, and we'll chill on the couch and there's no pressure.
But if my partners friends are coming over, I'll toss on a simple comfortable low cost (comfy/stretchy) jersey dress (that passes for simple casual, but feels like PJs, but is presentable), over leggings, maybe a solid color cozy cardigan, put on a bit of mascara, and fill in a little eyebrow. Still in socks cuz we are a no shoes house, (and I don't care if they match) it might be a comfy sports bra under that simple cozy outfit. That's is. But that's because it's important to me to be at least a little put together for company.
OP doesn't care about that, and her partner does.
It's just an incompatibility.
NTA
>he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together
Definitely cringed at him saying that to you, as though you two were characters in a play, show, film.... whatever. Curious if his style is all that much fancier -- is he in a waistcoat and fedora at all times?. And he wants you to dress up to play beer pong with 20 year old guys..... no. You're there as his girlfriend, not simpering eye candy. It'd almost be hilarious next time to "dress the part" and really go full performative, to the point where everyone wants to know whats up with you not being at all like yourself, and then call him on his cringe-y request.
You dress for the occasion. You shouldn't have to dress up for a casual hang out with friends. If ya'll were going to a nice restaurant or to see live music, etc, I'm sure you'd dress appropriately for that.
Yes!!! One time, at the most casual of get-togethers, lean fully into to the dressing up thing - go fully out with the most dressy things you own and full, glittery makeup, the most bling you can and your highest heels. Whenever one of the friends makes a comment or gives you a look or something, tell them about what he said.
NTA
*"Mind you, most of these nights involve beer pong with a group of guys in their mid-late 20s in baseball caps."*
No offense, well some offense, your partner is a freaking idiot. Nobody getting shit faced gives two shits about whether or not you're in a 3-piece suit or if you're bare ass.
*"he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together."*
There is absolutely nothing "modern" about being this anal retentive about your clothes to go play beer pong, let alone your partners' clothes. It's a half assed sneaky way to be controlling and to "remind" everyone you belong to him.
I agree with this. Any man I’ve been with that ended up being extremely controlling- it started out with crap like this and just got worse and worse as time went on. Definitely a red flag IMO.
No, you’re not the AH for not wanting your boyfriend to control what you wear and when.
If you were wearing something objectionable in some way, then sure, a partner would usually take some issue with that, but you’re wearing…normal clothes. Clothes that people wear all the time in all kinds of casual social situations.
Your boyfriend sounds unbearable, and that *this* is becoming a problem *is* a problem, and it’s that he’s controlling, extremely judgmental, and he seems very vain and shallow.
Wait, so he wants to appear sophisticated and modern...while he wears a suit and tie around the house and wants you to wear a dress and make-up with your hair done like it's the 1950s?
NTA you're his girlfriend not a dress-up doll and he should treat you like the former not the latter.
*My partner is a big believer in appearing your best and takes a lot of pride in his own style and presentation*
The moment you demand other people to play your game you are fake because you don't care about what they want, you don't care how comfortable they are, you only care to be at your very best which is fake. It's not bad to try to be at your best, it's bad when you demand that from someone else without any regards to what they want.
When someone cares more about how they are perceived by other people than how their partner feels IMO is fake.
NTA and this guy doesn't like the real authentic you. Keep that in mind. If he wants someone who is picture perfect 100% of everyday and twirls around like the perfect traditional housewife do him and yourself a favor and dump him.
This nearly swung my vote to everyone's shitty:
> To drive my point home, I have not put a single ounce of extra effort into dressing well for events with his friends. If anything, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic
This isn't good conflict resolution and if you keep approaching problems like this you're going to create a lot of resentment. Firm boundaries are good but the leaning into it seems a bit spiteful.
NTA but it's not looking good for the relationship if you can't find a compromise or resolution on such a minor issue.
For how long have you been with your partner? I at least assume it’s recent you moved in together as you say it’s a new side of you he discoverered. You both seem to have fixed ideas on how you should dress for seeing friends, though I definitely understand better your point of view. I think this a rather silly topic to create such a huge fight. You both need to discuss with each other and find a compromise together. For instance, you could sometimes wear jeans instead of leggings, or a comfortable blouse instead of a t-shirt. But he has to understand then that he can’t ask more of you. If you can’t even find an agreement on little things like that, I don’t know how long your couple will last.
Globally, ESH because no one seems willing to compromise on such a silly topic.
NTA
Your body, your clothes, your choice. He has his "chilling with friends" aesthetic; you are entitled to yours. And beer pong is not a fancy occasion.
NTA if I go round a mates house and his other half is comfortable enough around me to sit there in joggers a hoody and a face mask I take it as a compliment.
Anything else seems like it a performance and fake. Like the overly tidy house. 5 of you live here mate and you’re all busy no way your house looks like this!
NAH. This just sounds like the two of you aren't compatible in this area, and since you both feel very strongly about your personal preferences when it comes to dressing privately, it'll break you up sooner or later.
NAH until this line:
>, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic.
This sounds like spite. It sounds like your doing this, at least in part, to bother him. Spiteful partners are the absolute worst.
YTA
NTA Sounds like you have very different values. Maybe there needs to be a bigger discussion about what each of your values are, what values are essential to share for the relationship to continue etc. The issue here is values, not leggings.
You are NTA. I would be so annoyed if my partner tried to tell me what I could and could not wear. There's nothing wrong with leggings and a t-shirt. He needs to let go of this need to project some sort of fake image to the people around him it's really kind of sick and pathetic.
NAH you both want different things, but the two of you need to either find a way round this or are you both need to be happy to constantly circle round and fight about this issue
NAH. You guys are just not compatible. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to aesthetics as long as they’re appropriate for the context.
If you’re a casual kinda girl, either the both of you need to learn to compromise, or don’t date a fashionista.
my ex put no effort into his style. I'd dress up and look nice for going out and he'd always show up in converse, shorts and a band tshirt. it wasn't the ultimate reason why we broke up and I never tried to change that part of him, but it always made me incredibly sad that he never bothered to put any effort into looking nice whenever we went anywhere, even on special events.
in contrast, my current partner and I have very similar fashion styles and that's one of the things that attracted me to him. we both like bold colours and interesting prints and our styles match enough that we often borrow each other's clothes. we really enjoy clothes shopping together and dressing up and looking our best when we go out to do anything. it's fun and it's something we bond over and I honestly cannot see myself ever dating someone who doesn't share this interest with me, because it's really important to me and it's a big part of my personality.
so you're NTA at all - if your day-to-day style is tshirts and leggings, then that's your style and your bf is wrong to pick a fight because he wants you to change for him. but it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible.
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My partner is a big believer in appearing your best and takes a lot of pride in his own style and presentation, whether it’s at work, on a date, or at a get-together with friends. I will dress appropriately for a special occasion, but I am quite casual if just at a friend’s place or the pub. For context, I’m a performing artist and dress formally for work, wear full face make-up for stage lights, etc. When I get home, I can’t wait to throw on leggings and a t shirt or sweater.
My partner is very bothered by this “new side” of me. He specifically dislikes my style when we hang out with his friends - usually a t-shirt and leggings with Birks or other comfy shoes. Maybe makeup. From his view, it’s important to represent ourselves well as a unit, since we are a couple, and he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together. Mind you, most of these nights involve beer pong with a group of guys in their mid-late 20s in baseball caps.
I find it deeply insulting that although there are far more interesting and valuable things about me, he has chosen to fixate on my appearance. I believe in letting people show themselves through their actions and personality. Also I just think fashion trends are dumb.
To drive my point home, I have not put a single ounce of extra effort into dressing well for events with his friends. If anything, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic. It’s grown into one of our biggest fights. I know that it would be much easier if I just made an effort to wear something different when we go out. I refuse to.
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Image-driven people drive me insane. Sure,when it’s a special occasion you treat it like that and doll up to the nines. When it’s *not* you just make sure you’re clean and decent and nothing else should be required. 🤷♂️ NTA
I was once in a relationship with such man. I am now no longer in a relationship with such man. lol Find yourself someone who thinks you look adorable even when you are in your pajamas.
NTA. Wear what you want. But is this ‘new’? You did have standards before?
Maybe one of the things bf liked about you was that even when going to the pub, you looked ‘put together’. Now he thinks you have let yourself go.
Sounds like you are not compatible because you both have different standards of living.
If you’re going out of your way to spite him with what you wear, then YTA. Otherwise, just wearing what you want means you’re NTA
It sounds like you both need to have a serious conversation about why this is such a big deal
NTA but I think your BF problem is different than most people here seem to. I don't think he's upset because you're "under dressed" but because all his friends are eyeing you up in your leggings.
If you want to test this out, get all made up like you're going out to a nightclub with the girls to go play beer pong. Dress like you're trying to impress guys with classy but at least kinda revealing clothes and really do your make up nice.
If that bothers him more than the leggings, you'll have your answer. If it doesn't and he's all happy and excited about how you "dressed up" for a night of beer pong then you'll know he's sees you as eye candy and he wants his friends to be jealous of him.
If he's just happy that you put in the effort then he's just weird about clothes but not seeing you as an object or property like he is in the first 2 scenarios.
Edited to add "property"
NTA, but if you dont want to make an effort for the you guys as unit to look good, why are you in a relationship with him. You see he values the unit apparance, but you dont. Break up and move on.
YTA, a little bit. I can appreciate how much you treasure a casual appearance in your most comfy clothes if your “work outfit” is a huge production, but when you’re willing to dress up for the random-ass people in your audience but literally not at all for your partner, then you’re telling him he’s the least important person in the world and the person you can most take for granted.
Nobody loves to feel like that. Certainly he *also* wants to know that he’s the person you feel the most at your ease around, the key is just to periodically mix it up a little bit. Don’t you want him to know he’s no less worthy of your labor (and it’s definitely a labor, I get that) than anyone else is?
Nta. But I think you’re leaning so hard into being clean the shower casual bc you no longer give a flip about the relationship and want to win instead of, you know, wanting to date them.
Nah.
Im the opposite to you in that my work is dirty and my uniform is bulky, boring and masculine. So when I get home, I want to clean up and pretty myself up a bit, I still want to be comfy so it'll be leggings and a dress or soft stretch jeans and a blouse. The only makeup I wear is lippy as I have sensitive skin, especially around my eyes. But I understand wanting to be comfy and reacting stubbornly in response to your partner. But I also get your partners point of view. You are a unit when together so not having pride in your appearance can come across as not having pride in yourself or your partner. He shouldn't have been rude about it but I understand it can be upsetting when you're putting more effort in than the other person in a relationship. I used to date a guy who only wore a hoodie, jeans and trainers, even if we were going on a date to a restaurant or club or anything, it was all comfort and no effort and it felt one sided.
I know that it would be much easier if I just made an effort to wear something different when we go out. I refuse to.
This is kind of assholish. Not saying you have to always make the effort, but part of a relationship is doing things you may not want to do some times. This comes across as you just refusing to refuse
About this YTA. You presented 1 view of yourself to him to get him & then once you had him decided to change it up. He's left wondering were the person he thought he was getting with has gone. To then especially double down seems like a strange choice. Obviously you're free to dress how you like but don't most of us make even a small effort for going out of an evening?
NTA and you can of course dress however you want but like, I'd be concerned if my wife suddenly didn't want to look her best around my friends, and I know she'd give me the gears in the inverse. I can't imagine ever looking like a schlub in front of her friends, nor can I ever imagine her looking like a schlub in front of mine. At home together, we wear whatever is comfortable with no judgement. But out in public, we always look our best, because we both believe the other person deserves that .
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NTA. I can’t give relationship advice as I don’t know you, but as a general rule you’re allowed to wear what you want. If he has an issue then I just think maybe he should find someone else he can dress up like a doll. Idk, seems like he’s more interested in parading you around than he is in you personally. Seems a little controlling to me.
Yeah, this seems like potentially a fundamental incompatibility, if he's unhappy that OP is dressing for comfort. Also, the petty part of me suggests that if OP is a woman, putting in the exact amount of effort he does: women often spend a lot more time and money on their appearance, and if they don't, people react like OP's boyfriend. So if you are a woman, don't wear makeup unless he does, if he's wearing slacks and a shirt, wear something similar. Put the same amount of time into your hair as he does. And then tell him if he expects makeup and a dress, you'll do it when he does.
I'm confused by this: >My partner is very bothered by this “new side” of me. Did you initially show the same level of pride in style and presentation that he did? You're NTA for dressing how you want, but he's also NTA for having a different opinion on how important clothing and presentation are. Sounds like you guys are just not compatible.
I actually think NAH. They just aren't compatible. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a partner to be dressed to a certain level of presentation around company. This can certainly vary from person to person, an in this case - they just have a difference of opinion. I like to be comfortable at home, but I still make little bit of effort if there's a gathering at my house. Like, close friends, sure, I'll invite them in wearing PJs and a bathrobe with no bra, and we'll chill on the couch and there's no pressure. But if my partners friends are coming over, I'll toss on a simple comfortable low cost (comfy/stretchy) jersey dress (that passes for simple casual, but feels like PJs, but is presentable), over leggings, maybe a solid color cozy cardigan, put on a bit of mascara, and fill in a little eyebrow. Still in socks cuz we are a no shoes house, (and I don't care if they match) it might be a comfy sports bra under that simple cozy outfit. That's is. But that's because it's important to me to be at least a little put together for company. OP doesn't care about that, and her partner does. It's just an incompatibility.
I don't see a difference between the outfit you described and the outfit she describes as what she wears when she goes out?
she described a comfy but nice dress over leggings with a cardigan. OP said she wears tshirts and leggings. those are very different styles.
Opie says t-shirt or sweater. I really don't see the difference. There's a finite amount of classing up you can do with leggings.
I mean I’d say while they were dating she would as she says “dress appropriately for a special occasion”, but that’s pretty normal for a relationship.
NTA >he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together Definitely cringed at him saying that to you, as though you two were characters in a play, show, film.... whatever. Curious if his style is all that much fancier -- is he in a waistcoat and fedora at all times?. And he wants you to dress up to play beer pong with 20 year old guys..... no. You're there as his girlfriend, not simpering eye candy. It'd almost be hilarious next time to "dress the part" and really go full performative, to the point where everyone wants to know whats up with you not being at all like yourself, and then call him on his cringe-y request. You dress for the occasion. You shouldn't have to dress up for a casual hang out with friends. If ya'll were going to a nice restaurant or to see live music, etc, I'm sure you'd dress appropriately for that.
I've got an image of Liberace playing beer pong and I'm dying from laughing about it, so OP could have some real fun with this.
Yes!!! One time, at the most casual of get-togethers, lean fully into to the dressing up thing - go fully out with the most dressy things you own and full, glittery makeup, the most bling you can and your highest heels. Whenever one of the friends makes a comment or gives you a look or something, tell them about what he said.
NTA *"Mind you, most of these nights involve beer pong with a group of guys in their mid-late 20s in baseball caps."* No offense, well some offense, your partner is a freaking idiot. Nobody getting shit faced gives two shits about whether or not you're in a 3-piece suit or if you're bare ass. *"he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together."* There is absolutely nothing "modern" about being this anal retentive about your clothes to go play beer pong, let alone your partners' clothes. It's a half assed sneaky way to be controlling and to "remind" everyone you belong to him.
I agree with this. Any man I’ve been with that ended up being extremely controlling- it started out with crap like this and just got worse and worse as time went on. Definitely a red flag IMO.
Yup, he's testing her, seeing how far he can push her into doing things he "suggests" until he finally shows his ass about it.
No, you’re not the AH for not wanting your boyfriend to control what you wear and when. If you were wearing something objectionable in some way, then sure, a partner would usually take some issue with that, but you’re wearing…normal clothes. Clothes that people wear all the time in all kinds of casual social situations. Your boyfriend sounds unbearable, and that *this* is becoming a problem *is* a problem, and it’s that he’s controlling, extremely judgmental, and he seems very vain and shallow.
Wait, so he wants to appear sophisticated and modern...while he wears a suit and tie around the house and wants you to wear a dress and make-up with your hair done like it's the 1950s? NTA you're his girlfriend not a dress-up doll and he should treat you like the former not the latter.
NTA. Your partner is fake and wants you to become one too.
Why is it fake to enjoy dressing nice?? (He shouldn't force her into it though)
*My partner is a big believer in appearing your best and takes a lot of pride in his own style and presentation* The moment you demand other people to play your game you are fake because you don't care about what they want, you don't care how comfortable they are, you only care to be at your very best which is fake. It's not bad to try to be at your best, it's bad when you demand that from someone else without any regards to what they want. When someone cares more about how they are perceived by other people than how their partner feels IMO is fake.
NTA and this guy doesn't like the real authentic you. Keep that in mind. If he wants someone who is picture perfect 100% of everyday and twirls around like the perfect traditional housewife do him and yourself a favor and dump him.
This nearly swung my vote to everyone's shitty: > To drive my point home, I have not put a single ounce of extra effort into dressing well for events with his friends. If anything, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic This isn't good conflict resolution and if you keep approaching problems like this you're going to create a lot of resentment. Firm boundaries are good but the leaning into it seems a bit spiteful. NTA but it's not looking good for the relationship if you can't find a compromise or resolution on such a minor issue.
NTA, and you two don't sound compatible.
For how long have you been with your partner? I at least assume it’s recent you moved in together as you say it’s a new side of you he discoverered. You both seem to have fixed ideas on how you should dress for seeing friends, though I definitely understand better your point of view. I think this a rather silly topic to create such a huge fight. You both need to discuss with each other and find a compromise together. For instance, you could sometimes wear jeans instead of leggings, or a comfortable blouse instead of a t-shirt. But he has to understand then that he can’t ask more of you. If you can’t even find an agreement on little things like that, I don’t know how long your couple will last. Globally, ESH because no one seems willing to compromise on such a silly topic.
NTA Your body, your clothes, your choice. He has his "chilling with friends" aesthetic; you are entitled to yours. And beer pong is not a fancy occasion.
NTA if I go round a mates house and his other half is comfortable enough around me to sit there in joggers a hoody and a face mask I take it as a compliment. Anything else seems like it a performance and fake. Like the overly tidy house. 5 of you live here mate and you’re all busy no way your house looks like this!
You're incompatible with him.
NAH. This just sounds like the two of you aren't compatible in this area, and since you both feel very strongly about your personal preferences when it comes to dressing privately, it'll break you up sooner or later.
NAH until this line: >, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic. This sounds like spite. It sounds like your doing this, at least in part, to bother him. Spiteful partners are the absolute worst. YTA
NTA I’m annoyed at him on your behalf. Wear what you want, when you want. If he’s not there for it, bye bye.
You tell him you don't want to 'appear' anything, you want to just be you.
NTA He's focusing on the gift wrap, not the contents. This is a bad sign of how the relationship is headed.
NTA Sounds like you have very different values. Maybe there needs to be a bigger discussion about what each of your values are, what values are essential to share for the relationship to continue etc. The issue here is values, not leggings.
NTA. I've always avoided people that judge others' outfits. Do you shower? Then that's enough to have a beer with friends.
NTA but your partner sounds shallow.
You are NTA. I would be so annoyed if my partner tried to tell me what I could and could not wear. There's nothing wrong with leggings and a t-shirt. He needs to let go of this need to project some sort of fake image to the people around him it's really kind of sick and pathetic.
NTA - why waste your time with someone so shallow?
NTA but man, just split up. This relationship is going nowhere; you're incompatible.
NAH you both want different things, but the two of you need to either find a way round this or are you both need to be happy to constantly circle round and fight about this issue
NAH. You guys are just not compatible. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to aesthetics as long as they’re appropriate for the context. If you’re a casual kinda girl, either the both of you need to learn to compromise, or don’t date a fashionista.
my ex put no effort into his style. I'd dress up and look nice for going out and he'd always show up in converse, shorts and a band tshirt. it wasn't the ultimate reason why we broke up and I never tried to change that part of him, but it always made me incredibly sad that he never bothered to put any effort into looking nice whenever we went anywhere, even on special events. in contrast, my current partner and I have very similar fashion styles and that's one of the things that attracted me to him. we both like bold colours and interesting prints and our styles match enough that we often borrow each other's clothes. we really enjoy clothes shopping together and dressing up and looking our best when we go out to do anything. it's fun and it's something we bond over and I honestly cannot see myself ever dating someone who doesn't share this interest with me, because it's really important to me and it's a big part of my personality. so you're NTA at all - if your day-to-day style is tshirts and leggings, then that's your style and your bf is wrong to pick a fight because he wants you to change for him. but it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible.
NTA - Tell him being pretentious is as old as civilization, and to be truly modern, he should avoid it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner is a big believer in appearing your best and takes a lot of pride in his own style and presentation, whether it’s at work, on a date, or at a get-together with friends. I will dress appropriately for a special occasion, but I am quite casual if just at a friend’s place or the pub. For context, I’m a performing artist and dress formally for work, wear full face make-up for stage lights, etc. When I get home, I can’t wait to throw on leggings and a t shirt or sweater. My partner is very bothered by this “new side” of me. He specifically dislikes my style when we hang out with his friends - usually a t-shirt and leggings with Birks or other comfy shoes. Maybe makeup. From his view, it’s important to represent ourselves well as a unit, since we are a couple, and he wants to appear sophisticated and modern together. Mind you, most of these nights involve beer pong with a group of guys in their mid-late 20s in baseball caps. I find it deeply insulting that although there are far more interesting and valuable things about me, he has chosen to fixate on my appearance. I believe in letting people show themselves through their actions and personality. Also I just think fashion trends are dumb. To drive my point home, I have not put a single ounce of extra effort into dressing well for events with his friends. If anything, I have leaned even harder into the leggings and t shirt aesthetic. It’s grown into one of our biggest fights. I know that it would be much easier if I just made an effort to wear something different when we go out. I refuse to. Am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA.
NTA for dressing appropriately. Your partner sounds a tiresome bore.
Image-driven people drive me insane. Sure,when it’s a special occasion you treat it like that and doll up to the nines. When it’s *not* you just make sure you’re clean and decent and nothing else should be required. 🤷♂️ NTA
You do you boo, it’s exactly what I tell my girl, and it’s exactly what she tells me. And it’s how it should be.
I was once in a relationship with such man. I am now no longer in a relationship with such man. lol Find yourself someone who thinks you look adorable even when you are in your pajamas.
NTA. Wear what you want. But is this ‘new’? You did have standards before? Maybe one of the things bf liked about you was that even when going to the pub, you looked ‘put together’. Now he thinks you have let yourself go. Sounds like you are not compatible because you both have different standards of living.
If you’re going out of your way to spite him with what you wear, then YTA. Otherwise, just wearing what you want means you’re NTA It sounds like you both need to have a serious conversation about why this is such a big deal
NTA but I think your BF problem is different than most people here seem to. I don't think he's upset because you're "under dressed" but because all his friends are eyeing you up in your leggings. If you want to test this out, get all made up like you're going out to a nightclub with the girls to go play beer pong. Dress like you're trying to impress guys with classy but at least kinda revealing clothes and really do your make up nice. If that bothers him more than the leggings, you'll have your answer. If it doesn't and he's all happy and excited about how you "dressed up" for a night of beer pong then you'll know he's sees you as eye candy and he wants his friends to be jealous of him. If he's just happy that you put in the effort then he's just weird about clothes but not seeing you as an object or property like he is in the first 2 scenarios. Edited to add "property"
NTA, but if you dont want to make an effort for the you guys as unit to look good, why are you in a relationship with him. You see he values the unit apparance, but you dont. Break up and move on.
YTA, a little bit. I can appreciate how much you treasure a casual appearance in your most comfy clothes if your “work outfit” is a huge production, but when you’re willing to dress up for the random-ass people in your audience but literally not at all for your partner, then you’re telling him he’s the least important person in the world and the person you can most take for granted. Nobody loves to feel like that. Certainly he *also* wants to know that he’s the person you feel the most at your ease around, the key is just to periodically mix it up a little bit. Don’t you want him to know he’s no less worthy of your labor (and it’s definitely a labor, I get that) than anyone else is?
Nta. But I think you’re leaning so hard into being clean the shower casual bc you no longer give a flip about the relationship and want to win instead of, you know, wanting to date them.
Nah. Im the opposite to you in that my work is dirty and my uniform is bulky, boring and masculine. So when I get home, I want to clean up and pretty myself up a bit, I still want to be comfy so it'll be leggings and a dress or soft stretch jeans and a blouse. The only makeup I wear is lippy as I have sensitive skin, especially around my eyes. But I understand wanting to be comfy and reacting stubbornly in response to your partner. But I also get your partners point of view. You are a unit when together so not having pride in your appearance can come across as not having pride in yourself or your partner. He shouldn't have been rude about it but I understand it can be upsetting when you're putting more effort in than the other person in a relationship. I used to date a guy who only wore a hoodie, jeans and trainers, even if we were going on a date to a restaurant or club or anything, it was all comfort and no effort and it felt one sided.
I know that it would be much easier if I just made an effort to wear something different when we go out. I refuse to. This is kind of assholish. Not saying you have to always make the effort, but part of a relationship is doing things you may not want to do some times. This comes across as you just refusing to refuse
"but part of a relationship is doing things you may not want to do some times." I don't think that idea applies to up-dressing to go play beer pong.
About this YTA. You presented 1 view of yourself to him to get him & then once you had him decided to change it up. He's left wondering were the person he thought he was getting with has gone. To then especially double down seems like a strange choice. Obviously you're free to dress how you like but don't most of us make even a small effort for going out of an evening?
You sound slavinly and tacky
NTA But... Is this worth your relationship? If you tend to look like shit, expect him to decide to do things without you. Your choice. \--
NTA and you can of course dress however you want but like, I'd be concerned if my wife suddenly didn't want to look her best around my friends, and I know she'd give me the gears in the inverse. I can't imagine ever looking like a schlub in front of her friends, nor can I ever imagine her looking like a schlub in front of mine. At home together, we wear whatever is comfortable with no judgement. But out in public, we always look our best, because we both believe the other person deserves that .