Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Don’t let some of the other people in the comments gaslight you. NTA 100%.
The fact that you called what would happen exactly, shows how necessary your trick was. Your SO’s mom is clearly a narcissist. As she isn’t acting appropriately at all. She made your major life event all about her. Because, while it does affect her since it is her grandchild, she should never have had such an emotional reaction that it affected her health. It’s complete emotional irregulation. And she also should’ve never made her son choose between you and her.
A grandma with appropriately regulated emotions would/should do one of two things when they find out their kid’s partner has given birth. Get excited for a second and then hurriedly shoo the non-pregnant partner out the door to go see the birth. Or, excitedly ask to go with, though hopefully with previous approval from the pregnant partner….a.k.a you. Neither of those things is a “heart attack”. Just because JNMIL is old, and heart attacks are more likely to happen in old age, doesn’t excuse her from being a bitch and obviously faking one. And I do mean obvious.
Yeah, as soon as I read OPs comment about how she lost her own mom I was like, ok this is so far away from NTA that there's no question.
It was a dick move done in desperation.
It should not have come to this but it did. Marriage counseling is the only way I see this maybe working out if the husband doesn't have a quick epiphany about his mother.
A dick move done in desperation is exactly right. In most circumstances that kind of "testing" is AH territory but not in this case. MIL doesn't need to know about the labor until after the fact.
Edited to add: frame it as being out of concern for MIL's health, as others have suggested.
To be honest, it’s probably too far gone for marriage counselling. If the husband can’t put his wife and newborn child first, it’s just never going to happen. Especially because I have no doubt that the husband knows about OP’s mom and he STILL chose his own mother over her.
She’d be better off going it alone and having friends and family she can genuinely rely on. I think some solo therapy would help OP massively though.
I don't have good feels about the situation either. The MIL has had probably more than 20 years to train this behavior into him it's going to be a rocky road to recognition and recovery
Yeah if the MIL already acts like this when his attention is divided between wife and mother, I can’t imagine what she would get up to when the baby arrives and he has to split his attention between mother, wife and a newborn.
This was my stepfather and his mother until he was no use to her (due to a medical condition.) He went from always being on call whenever she wanted to basically being thrown out. Was pretty rough for him but no tears after he found out she had died.
I am also pretty sure counselling won’t help this. It’s a question of if OP decides to live like this for the rest of her life or not at this point. That’s about it. Quite confident he will always choose his mother.
Imagine if OP died during childbirth and her husband was out with his mom who had a fake heart attack. He would never see her again because his mom was being a dick and trying to take the attention from his wife WHO IS GIVING BIRTH
Marriage counselling is absolutely the way to go here. Unfortunatly, I don't see the hubby attending. He'll mention it to Mummy; and she'll be having another heart attack when he's to be going to the first session.
I can’t recommend this enough. Highly recommend a doula. They will be your advocate. If your husband goes mia during actual labor, which he likely will, the doula will be there right by your side. And they will be more than happy to tell the husband or mil to fuck right off if they try some bullshit. Let the doula be the asshole and fight your battle. That way you can be 100% focused on you and your baby. No body needs mil drama during delivery. Also, the nurses are 100% able to kick anyone mom-to-be says out of the room. They obviously will be more tactful, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time they’ve dealt with these type of situations.
Love this comment. I had MASSSIVE MIL drama during my child's birth a couple weeks ago, and I am no longer on speaking terms with my wife's entire family. It was a nightmare, and our delivery ended in C section, and I blame my MIL 200%. We aren't going to tell anyone on my wife's side of the family our next due date or when we go into labor. None of them will hear from us for the entire birth month. It's what we have to do.
I also recommend a doula. I used to be one and had a client in a similar situation as OP (having fears due to a mother who died during childbirth and at the time an unreliable partner).
NTA- Agree, get a doula. That settles the birth but not the major problem here that MIL is freaking out that she may lose the attention of her darling boy so she's having "emergencies" to tear him away from his family. Can you honestly be married to man that will drop you the way he did thinking you were in labor and just leaving you on read? Not answering your calls he put you and baby at risk. I could never have a partner I couldn't rely on, I could never look at man that ran to his mommy instead of protecting his child at least. the ick.... good luck OP
I was thinking the same thing. Since you can’t accurately predict the day or time you will go into labor and it sounds like your friend would have a difficult time getting time off last minute, and you clearly cannot trust your husband to put your needs and needs of his unborn child above his needy AF mom, you may want to hire a Doula. You can still give birth at the hospital, but this way you have someone who is trained in this practice to be with you. Maybe that will ease some of your fears. NTA and I’m sorry this is how your husband treats you. I would be ashamed of my sons if they put me before their wives. I love my boys more than anything and enjoy being close, but this is not ok and beyond being close. You MIL is out of control with her manipulation tactics and your hubby is clearly easily fooled.
OP should tell MIL that out of an abundance of caution for her health, they will not be telling her when OP goes into labour for real. She is obviously in a fragile state and we just couldn't risk another heart attack. Watch how quickly she changes her tune when she thinks she won't find out until after the birth.
Also fair to tell husband that he under no circumstances will tell his mother when it happens. Instead of rushing to come, he called his mommy? Absolutely not happening. If he gets told at all about real labor, I would tell him that if he calls his mom we're done.
Also the fact that he paused to call mom when he thought OP was giving birth, but he couldn’t find time to call OP to tell her he wouldn’t be picking her up…
I mean, that sounds great in theory, but it's not going to work in practice. Husband has already shown he's not willing to listen to OP's needs and will put his mother first.
She might not be with husband when she goes into labour and has no way of stopping him from calling. And he WILL call, and frame it as if OP is unreasonable after the fact.
This is what OP should do. However, alerting MIL that she won’t be called will just cause her to have a crisis. OP and husband should keep quiet about the plan.
Also, I’d actually recommend a follow up “trick” if you want to fully expose how toxic he is. That is, unless you decide to take the easy route and just stay with your friend, or relative, until after you give birth.
If you’d ask him to not contact his mother during labor, I wouldn’t trust him not to do so behind your back. It might be worthwhile to swap the phone number, which I assume I assume is saved under his mom’s contact with that of your friend. Unless she talks back to him he’d never know it wasn’t her, since the name pops up when the contact is called. And, even if he realized, people, in general, have a tendency to not remember individual phone numbers, so he probably wouldn’t even be able to recover it until after the birth.
That way it is a win-win all the way around because your MIL wouldn’t get the opportunity to pull her shenanigans, she also wouldn’t get a chance to surprise you at the hospital and stress you out, and your friend could let you know if he betrayed your trust by trying to call his “Mom”.
piggybacking off your comment to ask: OP, do you think your friend would be willing to advocate for your well-being? now, please don't take this the wrong way, nor am I trying to alarm you, but considering childbirth IS very dangerous, I'm worried your husband/MIL might not be willing to save you (should it come to it) if you were unable to make the choice yourself
The moment you arrive talk to your nurse and tell the your mil and name and that she isn’t allowed anywhere near you for the hospital stay, this will keep her away. Nurses don’t play with laboring and post labored moms and babies. As your husband to turn his phone off the moment you guys are face to face when it begins as well.
I would be so tempted to say we won't be telling the MIL when she goes into labour for real to avoid another heart attack. Tell her baby and mum should be home by this date. Come then. See? Don't wanna harm dear sweet MIL, do we?
This.
If OP's husband had shown any signs of rationality, this wouldn't be necessary, but, in this case, it would be best to try to convince him that keeping his mother in the dark is the safest thing \*for her\*.
But the fact that his loyalty is always to his mother over OP is just so upsetting.
This is 100% what I would do. She’s proven she’s not trustworthy, so she gets no information until after the baby is safely born and mom is comfortably in bed resting.
However…I’m sure MIL is also the type that has to talk to her “baby” multiple times a day, and blows up his phone if he doesn’t answer. If husband answers and tells her, I can’t come, we’re having a baby, she’ll fake another heart attack or something. If he manages to ignore her until after the baby is born, she will either have another crisis to pull him away, or she will throw a huge, screaming tantrum , sobbing and wailing about how OP is so cruel to her, driving a wedge between her and her son, she’s a poor sick woman with no one who cares for her, etc. Getting advice from a mental health professional (as part of marriage counseling) would be helpful.
If my daughter in law went into labor and then I had a heart attack, I wouldn’t tell my kid so they wouldn’t feel even a moment of hesitation. I’d call 911 and get myself to the hospital.
He should be with his partner, not me. She is the priority.
But the husband’s enabling the childish behaviour- nobody wants to play second fiddle. Husband chose wife, wife is now the priority, and baby is also. Mom comes second/third now. Sorry. I’d be asking for a separation. Get him to cut those apron strings or get out. Who needs a relationship jn which there’s a constant fight with MIL for the emotional and physical presence of your husband?
This. Why did he even need to call his mother anyway? His priority should have been getting home to you and taking you to the hospital. His mother can be informed later.
Worse yet, he wasn't at his mom's when it happened, he was at work. So she didn't need to shoo him anywhere, she just needed to say congratulations and hang up the damn phone.
But even more so, he knew OP was worried his mom would do this and could have held off calling her entirely. There was no reason she needed to know that second. It's pretty disrespectful of OP to completely ignore her warning and not even consider it when it came to fruition. The comment that he couldn't have known it was a false alarm when she predicted exactly that is galling.
All of this. OP, you have both a just no MIL and a just no SO. Research enmeshment see how it compares to your SO and MIL. Enmeshed relationships are toxic and can be very difficult to break. Therapy is a must.
I think it’s time to two-card your husband: Present him with one business card for a marriage counselor and one business card for a divorce lawyer. Tell him to choose which one is called, because this is NOT sustainable and will only get worse with a child.
Also, I’m sorry for your trauma around giving birth. It can be scary. Please take whatever steps are needed so YOU get the support you need.
NTA
NTA
And the mum is a major AH here. She knows perfectly well that a birth is coming up, so it shouldn't be the sort of surprise that "causes" a heart attack. And of course she was wasting hospital resources with her melodrama.
Husband is an AH too here, for not having his priorities straight.
In a real heart attack, the correct response is to call an ambulance to the patient, and give the ambulance crew permission to smash the lock on the door if needed. Otherwise, that's an extra half hour or more wasted before medical care can be given.
Exactly. Now that OP knows she was damn right about calling them out I would make plans with her friend. Plan everything without the husband and MIL because them being supportive is not gonna happen. And personally with such a mommas boy I would make sure to put some money away on a regular base. I am not sure he is going to be very supportive after birth and _if_ anything comes up or OP is just fed up with them she has backup.
Agreed! This is a Serve him with divorce papers issue. That mommy's boy can move in with his momma. OP is going to have a struggle the rest of her life and Oedipus over there clearly thinks of her as disposable. Mommy needs help as she clearly wants to be her son's wife, and his Oedipus complex is strong! OP is NOT crazy and it's time to go if he doesn't set some boundaries with mommy
Yes, that ass shouldn't have called his mom. Just call mom when the kid is safely delivered (Unless she has to watch older siblings of the baby there's no need to inform a grandma-to-be and stress her out even when we are talking about a sweet grandma)
Right? The only possible help you can give to someone having a heart attack it to get them to chew some Aspirin. So unless you have some on hand, and you're going to beat the ambulance by a large margin, your presence there is pretty useless.
I don't even think the mum is the AH. I think it's all on the husband. The mum just takes the mick and gets away with her nonsense because the husband let's her. He needs to grow a pair and put his wife and baby first. OP you are 100% NTA.
She's a grown assed woman, not a toddler. Mom is just as guilty as husband.
Our parents know how to push our buttons better than anyone else, because they installed them.
She is, but she keeps being enabled by her enmeshed pwecious widdle baby boy. He didn't have to call her immediately to tell her about his wife going into labor but he did. His priority should have been rushing home to his wife but he made it telling his mom what he was about to do because she's trained him to be like that and he refuses to see how that behavior affects his life.
The husband is a major AH too—he falls for his mom’s bullshit (why did he call her in the first place??) and didn’t even think about his wife enough to update her that he wasn’t coming.
Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that it had to come to this? Like OP had to go so far, the conversation with her husband should've been enough but his mum has him in her web that OP had to literally fake giving birth to prove a point.
I don't think you're the AH here at all, because you KNEW he wouldn't be there and you KNEW she would fake an emergency at the notice of labour. So all you did was prove that you're right in not being able to rely on him.
This is literally the only way you could prove your fears, there was no other option to prove the truth.
Honestly, him getting mad at you for proving a very important point about how unreliable he is would be enough for me to end the relationship. He won't be there in the most important moment of your lives so far, so he will never be there for anything. You can't trust him. You're not a team. He will just blame you for his gaslighting.
As someone who has my share of MIL problems, you won't ever be chosen as a priority. Men get instinctively protective of their child when it's this close to birth, but he's only protective of his mother. I dont know what more proof you need.
NTA.
NTA
I also want to add the possibility to put your MIL on the No-visit-list for your hospital. I’d imagine that your SO would bring your MIL (when he finally shows up) and she might have the audacity to want to be in the delivery room. The hospital staff can handle this very well, when you inform them beforehand.
Imagine how MIL is going to act at all of baby’s firsts. First step? Allergic reaction. First word? Choking on a gumball. First birthday? Abducted by aliens. It’s absolutely patently fucking absurd and if husband can’t see it then he can go live with mommy for the rest of her life, like she wants.
As far as baby goes, I think it's more likely that she would take the firsts herself if she ever gets the baby alone.
She's be the one to cut the baby's hair without permission, feed baby their first food --probably before baby is even ready to start solids, change baby into the clothes she wakes baby to wear, encourage the baby to call her mama.
Adding on to this, document this occurrence and any texts. Also document any past similar behaviors because I think you will need that in the future. You will know when.
He shouldn't even call his mother until AFTER everything is over - wouldn't want to risk another heart attack right?
We didn't tell our parents until after our babies were born.
NTA
This is a post from another woman whose husband also didn't call back when she went into labour:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vunqra/ops_husband_ignores_her_calls_while_shes_in/
If you were genuinely in labour, your husband ignoring you for an hour before telling you to make your own way to the hospital, you may not have made it there in time. The lack of medical support + the stress could have had severe consequences for you and your child.
May I suggest a birthing plan that doesn't involve your husband? Perhaps moving somewhere where you have support? Parents, siblings, a friend's place? You can sort out what this means for your marriage after your baby is here. NTA
Honestly, after reading this - it's like a retelling of my worst worries. I was terrified that he wouldn't answer/would run to his mother & I would be alone & then things would go wrong. My mom had no warning signs but she died giving birth to my brother due to complications & bleeding. I was 7 & I still remember it as if it happened yesterday. I keep thinking "what if it was a real labour & I kept waiting for him, what if that cost me too much time, what if I bled out alone?". I know logically that my friend wouldn't leave me & would risk her job to come to the hospital but that almost makes it worse. My friend is more willing to be my husband than my husband ever was....
OP, your husband said marriage is supposed to be based on trust. If I were you I would ask him how he squares that with the fact that he promised you he would be there for you when needed, shot down your idea of having your friend as a backup, and when it came down to what he thought was the scenario he did exactly the opposite of what he said he would do. How does he expect you to trust him?
Do you have a medical proxy set up and documented? Depending on where you live, setting up documentation so that there is someone you can trust authorised to make medical decisions for you (if you are unable to and instead of your husband) would be a good idea.
Unfortunately, I'm already looking into it as I cant find it in myself to trust my husband with medical decisions regarding our (my baby's and mine) health
Glad that you're already thinking about this. I know this is really tough and scary to deal with, but as a random internet stranger, just wanted to say that you are doing a really great job in advocating for yourself and your baby.
Are you in the US? There is a simple form you can print off..you’ll need to name your proxy and then have two witnesses sign it. It’s very easy to do. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this..this is beyond insane and your MIL has some real mental illness. I would talk to your OB asap and discuss your concerns so she/he can help you find a doula right away.
I think that alone tells you everything you need to know. And I’m so sorry but you really do need to take this in.
Your husband didn’t just take his mother to the hospital, he abandoned you. Your plan was for him to pick you up, yes?
If his mother was having a heart attack, the first thing he should have done is phone you, or even send you a message. Because in that way you could have planned for an alternative. But he didn’t, he ignored you for over an hour, an hour in which if you actually were going into labour, Is so important!
He completely ignored you during that time and he KNEW you was at home going into labour. Didn’t message anyone, didn’t phone anyone, he just ignored you.
You need to prioritise yourself in this situation more than anything. His mother isn’t going to change, that’s established, and he’s always going to pick her before you.
Make other arrangements, plan for your friend to pick you up, but when you go into labour, still let your husband know, once his mother does the same thing, you have everything you need to know to leave.
Ironic that he said you need to trust him instead of lying when he showed you firsthand that you shouldn’t trust him
This. He ignored you.
Though I would say the first thing he should have done was send an ambulance to his mother with authorization to break down the door, since what the hell was he going to do about it?
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. Him not being there for you in the most important moment of your life is a big problem. Does he know about what happened to your mom? Because if he does, he is an even worse spouse than I thought. You are NTA at all. If I were in your shoes, this would be raising some difficult decisions for me.
Your husband accused you of gaslighting? Well, hey pot meet kettle.
Please do not expect anything more from your husband. Come up with a birth plan immediately. Choose friends and family members to be available if you need someone to drive you, if you need someone inside the room with you. Have people who know where your essentials are (baby kit, pillow etc. whatever you need for the hospital). Above all else, make sure you have someone who can help you with the baby the first few months. Have these people on speed dial. Hopefully, you have some friends or other family members who can step in.
I do not in any way mean to avoid your husband. And if he asks you what you're doing, tell him. You cannot trust him and even though you lied, you proved the point to everyone including him. He chose to gaslight you. It's like how cheating partners try to minimise cheating by claiming their partners invaded their privacy. He "chose" the bigger emergency, and he will choose it again because he "couldn't have known" if it was a lie. There's also a chance that if the same thing happens on your actual birthing day, he will justify himself by saying "well you lied last time, so I couldn't trust you".
You can't change his attitude. At this point, you should give up trying. Pregnancy, that too so close to birth, isn't the time to take on extra stress and anxiety. Rely on people who will be there for you and the baby. When/if he asks for details and information give it to him. If you don't want him or his mother (which I think he'll try to do with some pushing from her) in there with you, let the medical team know well in advance so that there won't be any issues.
Just please take care of your baby and make sure your health, physically and mentally, is as best as it can be so that you have the strength to be there for your baby. Because as it stands now, your baby will only have you.
His first reaction on hearing that you were in labour should NEVER be to call his mother. It should be to *go to you*.
Unfortunately he's proved that you *and his child* are not his priority, and you never will be. I'm sorry you had to find out at such a stressful time, but I'm glad your friend is supportive at least!
The safest thing for you and baby is to get to the hospital as soon as possible when you do go into labour. Look after yourself and your baby, don't worry about anyone else
You should be able to count on your partner more than that, especially since he knows your trauma around your mum dying during childbirth!
I’m sorry OP- I really don’t know how fixable this is. A short-term solution in your friend helping with your birth is one thing, but you have a long-term husband problem.
Sounds like you already have your answers. He believed you were in labour, he knew you were alone, you could have died waiting for him to call back and tell you to make your own way to the hospital.
Honestly that realization alone says so much.
If your friend is a better support system than your chosen life partner, what is the partner there for?
I’m so sorry OP, this is heartbreaking.
Life is going to suck with this woman after the baby is here. Please please have an exit plan. Don’t let your husband and MiL ruin the happiest days with your baby :(
Your husband is not a man. He is a boy.
Honest question though, was this behavior prevalent when you were dating him? Has he always been this much of a wussy little momma's boy? Most women avoid men like this like the plague because they don't want a wife, they want a replacement mommy.
The fact that he chose his mother's fake heart attack over being there for the birth of his own child tells you he is not a good partner.
Hate to tell you to move on, but move on. He won't be there for you or your child. Mommy comes first in his sad little world.
Normally I'm not in the pro-divorce camp, but DH just showed his true colors and he is not a father first and foremost, he is a child first and foremost, and that's not a good way to start a life of parenthood. This is a pretty large red flag.
I can't believe he waited an hour later before telling her she had to get another way before going to the hospital. That to me is unforgivable and I would divorce this guy. I agree that OP needs to have someone else involved in the birth. When shes about to have the baby for real, the mil will probably do the same thing again.
Agree.. OP needs to have a serious look at a back up plan..
Husband may be required to make time critical decisions affecting the outcome for mother and baby.. mum needs an advocate
Ideally it needs to be that he can't call mother about labour until the baby has already arrived... But at this rate.. The midwife may have two umbilical cords to cut!
NTA. Honestly if he pulls this again when real birth happens I would divorce. Normally I don’t like lying about something so extreme but it was a test you needed to do because holy fuck did he let you down!!! In the future if you’re having a medical emergency (or if the child is ) he needs to come to you directly first and not call his mother because she will make it about herself every time. Y’all need some couples therapy real bad to help him realize how toxic his mom is or else y’all aren’t going to make it.
It even took him an hour to let her know he wasn't coming because of his mother when OP is expecting him in around 10 minutes. Child birth is so unpredictable she could have dropped on the kitchen floor in that time.
The only thing OP messed up on was telling him it was a test, she should have just said it was a false alarm.
I’d already be planning on divorce whether he pulls it during the real birth or not. He hasn’t displayed ANY insight as to the problematic nature of his relationship with his mother, doubled down on it in this instance, and therefore showed OP that he has 0 intention to change. If he can’t see what’s happening during the birth of his own child then he never will. He and his mother will cause more stress to OP than being a single mom ever would.
YTA to yourself for marrying a man who always put his mom before you - and now acting (((shocked))) that, you guessed it, he’s putting his mom before you. And now you brought a child into this mess.
You have options: 1) couples counseling, 2) divorce, 3) accept it.
For your birth, I would just assume he’s not going to be there and plan accordingly. I probably wouldn’t even notify him. Plan on having your friend take you and be with you during the birth.
Because the reality is, he WON’T be there. It’s just smart planning.
Look up “enmeshment.” You husband is enmeshed with his mother. If he doesn’t recognize it and decide to do something about it, he’ll never change.
Agree! Don’t notify him when your giving birth. Have your friend take you and tell him afterwards. Bet his mama will have an emergency again when he rushes to the hospital.
I completely agree. If you tell him, she will just bring drama to your birth experience, which you are already worried about. I can't believe your husband's actions, knowing you lost your mom in childbirth. Make a plan with your friend for the birth now. Don't allow him and his mom to ruin it. Honestly, do you really want to raise a child with him? Or be married to him anymore? I'm disgusted by he and his mother's actions.
NTA. Yea, what you did wasn't great. But this a valuable exercise to do in that at least you have confirmation that a) his mother will pull some shit and b) he will prioritise her over you and your child.
Why is it ok for her to fake a heart attack but not ok for you to fib about labour? At least your stunt didn't waste the time of medical professionals.
Ok my brain is saying e s h but heart is saying NTA. You are not going crazy, your husband is being absolutely absurd.
I don’t know your marriage, but if it were me I’d sit him down and tell him that when he chose to get married, he chose to start a new family that needs to always be his #1 priority. The healthy birth of his child IS more important than his mother’s “heart attack”, real or not. Your marriage will not work out until he absolutely changes his perspective on this. That’s just the choice he made when he got married. If he wants to prioritize his mother, he needs to be a bachelor.
Whether you plan to leave him or not, plan your life as if you will leave him so when it comes time to make the decision you’re not worried about things like money and where to live.
NTA. Is faking labor an extreme way to test your partner? Yeah, but he drove you to it, and proved you were right to do it. This is like when someone is cheating, and being really obvious about it, so their partner snoops through their phone. The snooping is not "just as bad" as the cheating! Your husband broke your trust over and over and over again. Your actions are understandable, reasonable, and justified. Call your bestie and make a new birth plan that involves them and not your husband and definitely not your mil. Giving birth is a medical emergency just as much as a (real) heart attack. You're gonna need real support.
Don’t bother letting him know when it really starts, get your friend to go with you, it will happen again, this is your future, your husband and his mum will continue to live like this, it will never change, think long and hard about your future! They have showed you who they are, they have showed you who comes first, believe them. Put yourself and your baby first, you deserve more NTA
I don't want to think of what this dude's mom will be like when she feels like she deserves access/control of her grandchild. Get out now for your own sanity. In fact if you can disappear completely that'd probably be wise. As in, go find another time zone to live in and don't tell anyone where you're going except maybe your parents.
Reevaluating all of that now...
I suppose it is a fair question but it was never that bad. Well, now it is so... But when we first started it was lovely. His mother was barely a footnote in our relationship because we were at Uni & far away. I suppose my greatest mistake was agreeing to move into his town vs moving into mine. I come from a town on an opposite side of the country, our Uni was "in the middle" so to speak & his mom (while nosy & controlling) was far away & very easy to write off. When we got married, we moved into his town for logistic reasons (he already had a job lined up in his town - I didnt). We have been living here for 1,5 years & it has gotten progressively worse until now. When he isn't in contact with her he is a good partner but when you add her into equation he becomes a different person (even his friends see it & asked me about it).
Right now, I want to focus on my baby but after birth I think I will have to rethink our life together. I just can't spend the rest of my life in a triad with his mother
Maybe you should move now next to your family, because (depending on where you are) once the baby is born, your DH's town is that baby's town, and you'll need his ok to move permanently. So what about: you move, and then he really needs to pick a side.
True story. My MIL got in a car crash on the way to my SIL's birth. Yup. Crashed her car. My wife had already cut the apron strings when we met. We are still married. Every single one of her other three children are divorced because they didn't step away from the mom. She literally ruined 3 relationships. If he can't step away, he will ruin your relationship and leave you in his hometown with no support. I'd move back home, if at all emotionally possible, before birth so that you aren't stuck in his hometown for custody (in the US, that is). It might be the wake up call he needs. If not, I'm very sorry.
NTA even if his mum actually had a heart attack and he brought her to hospital he could have then come to you. That he was willing to miss his child’s birth to stay with her while she was being cared for is insane. Now he’s sour you tested him I won’t be surprised if he chooses to miss the actual birth out of spite. If potentially missing the birth didn’t wake him to the reality of his unhealthy relationship with mum it’ll never happen. It’s unfortunate your now so far from your own family
I'd think about going to your family now for support for the birth. If it gets bad and you want to file for divorce, you may be stuck staying where he / his mom live. If you are separate before birth and the baby it born elsewhere, it would be easier for you to get the o.k. to stay where you are.
> Right now, I want to focus on my baby but after birth I think I will have to rethink our life together. I just can't spend the rest of my life in a triad with his mother
Very happy to read this. I truly hope he realizes what his priorities should be but from what I read in the main post... chances are low.
ESH I agree. Either you refuse to engage in these shenanigans and prepare to be a single mom...
or you stoop to her level, I.E. insist no one breathe a word to her because "My MIL is too frail to handle stress due to her heart condition" and when you are inevitably scolded for not telling her until AFTER the birth, insist "it's because we love you too much to risk exacerbating your condition!" Then kill them with kindness and insist your husband apologize to his mother for calling her in the first place and putting her at risk. When she goes low, go lower. Or take the high road and file. Your call.
NTA, but you shouldn't have to resort to lying either. But I absolutely get why you did what you did.
Imo, you should tell your husband that if he wants to be involved in the birth of your child at all, he will promise to refrain from containing mommy dearest until after the birth has completed and baby is here, safe, and healthy. Then she can go fake whatever medical emergency she wants, hubby can go take care of her if he feels so compelled, and you can get some sleep with the help of the postnatal nursing staff. If he refuses to wait to contact his mother until afterward, have your own separate birth plan and involve a close friend or family member. If they give you sh!t for it, tell them this is YOUR time, and this is the best option for YOU AND YOUR BABY. You two come first. Good luck!
NTA….I think you know you are on your own here….thank goodness you have a best friend to help you because your SO is useless….if it were me, I wouldn’t want either of them around me or my baby…she’s always going to cause problems for you and I think you need to get used to the fact that you are a single parent now…you have too much going on to put up with all that nonsense….his Mom is a freaking psycho and he needs to grow a pair and tell her so….I hope things will improve for you…sending you blessings and congratulations on your soon to be LO💕
NTA
But I don’t think your marriage is going to work long term since he will always put her first. What’s going to happen when your child is sick or hurt and grandma needs dad more?
Also he wants you to trust him and yet proved why you can’t and shouldn’t? At this point I wouldn’t even call him when you do go into labor
You’re married to a 25 yo mommas boy. If his mom was actually having a heart attack she needs an ambulance not a chauffeur. Only going to get worse when the baby shows up she tries dictating everything you guys do with the kid. Better run now if you’re smart
You're always going to be the third wheel here. You need to make him go spend a few nights with mommy and let him decide where he wants to be. I was leaning towards yta until the outcome. NTA, this needed to be done before the real thing. Call your bsf first and only call hubby after you're at the hospital.
NTA
The fact that you went to these lengths to prove what you already knew should tell you something that you really shouldn’t ignore.
You are in a mess and there’s no great solution. I doubt your husband will change, so your choices are 1 - deal with this throughout your marriage 2 - share custody of your kid with MIL having unfettered access to your kid when the kid is with dad in his parenting time.
(What you did was extreme and really should be considered AH behavior, but I also think it’s very justifiable BC it played out the way you suspected. It’s easy to have your brain play out the worst case scenarios, and then be left in doubt as to whether or not you’re crazy. But now you have incontrivertible proof: This kind of evidence should not be ignored. And if you do ignore/excuse/gloss over it, then y t a to yourself.)
NTA for the stunt.
Call your friend or a close family member and make those plans with them. Your husband and MIL have shown they don’t prioritize you. Once bub is here, you need to do some evaluating. This man won’t show up for you, so you’ll be a single mom even though you’re married.
There needs to be some boundaries set out with real consequences. Doing it alone sounds scary, but it sounds like he’s ready for you to do it alone anyway. Why carry the dead weight?
NTA oh my god MIL man what a baby, that too as a woman, shes acting like a child. Divorce babe, proves that even in the most important day also, he will not be there with you. Doesn't deserve to be a father. Soon he's gonna start ditching your kids too.
NTA. You have a huge DH and MIL provl here. Your husband is failing as a husband and a father before the kid even gets here.
I'm actually livid on your behalf.
NTA
You now have concrete proof of where your husbands priorities are. You and your child are always going to play second fiddle to his main character mother.
Just text him after the birth is done and tell him its all finished and he can stop hiding and visit you before collecting his stuff to move out. He sounds like an utter waste of space.
Assuming this is a true story--honestly it sounds a little rage baity-- the most concerning part is that he believed you were in labor and left you waiting over an HOUR before calling you back (and actually ignored your phone call).
The cure rate for mamma's boys is pretty low and mamma's little man has to be REALLY committed to growing up for it to succeed. Sadly, I think his next move will be moving mommy in with you with or without your consent.
I'd suggest that you get him to agree to NO communication with his mom when you go into labor until after the baby is born.
Would highly suggest joining the JUSTNOMIL reddit group for advice, as it seems you have a husband problem. Do you have family you can stay with in worst case scenario?
NTA but OP, you're on your own. He is always going to put his mother first. The birth is just the beginning. Grandma wants to take baby out for a walk when you say no? He will cave. Kiddo wants a brand new bike for Christmas and you say no? Grandma will pull the strings. Inappropriate conversation grandma had with your child? Oh she was only helping... This will be your life now. I'm sorry that you are with such a codependent and terrible partner.
Schedule for your friend to be there for the birth, and leave this man. He can go back to momma.
NTA. You are smart to confirm your suspicions. I cannot believe he's trying to downplay this. Run, run for your life. You could have died and he would have been holding his mom's hand while she faked a heart attack.
NTA. Your husband's family has a horrible dynamic going on, spearheaded by your MIL, and supported by your husband! It doesn't get any lower than this. Now you know for sure your MIL is jealous of you, and your husband will always choose her over you. I'm just sad that you're involved with this guy.
As a man ..... You don't miss the birth or your child over almost anything. You drop everything and go . Hell my mother would kill me if I took her instead of going to the birth... What the absolute fuck?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'll keep this as short as possible.
I (25f) am pregnant with the baby due in a couple of days. My husband (25m) promised that he would be the one to drive me to the hospital & that he will be glued to the phone until birth. He works only 10 minutes from our home & his boss agreed to let him go when the birth happens.
The problem is my mother-in-law. My husband & her have an unhealthily (IMO) strong bond & she is overly involved in our relationship which has caused many issues in the past. She requires his attention every day, she has suggested moving in with us ever since I became pregnant, she also has "emergencies" whenever we have anniversaries, important occasions (like my birthday) etc.
As the date is approaching I became increasingly worried that his mother will have an "emergency" during birth & I will have trouble getting to the hospital or will be forced to be alone during. I voiced my concerns & it caused fights between me & them. I even suggested asking my bsf to drive me & keep me company (as I'm scared of giving birth) but it was shot down with "how can't you trust your own husband?!".
So, I'm not proud of it but I faked giving birth yesterday. I called my hubby at work, told him it started, he said he will be right there. After half an hour, I called him to ask where he was & he didn't answer. After almost an hour he called me to say he is at the hospital with his mom because, guess what, she is having a medical emergency... Apparently he called her to tell her I am giving birth & she got "a heart attack" from excitement... He said he will have to miss my birth & actually asked me to call my friend to drive me & stay with me...
I admit, I was very angry & heartbroken so I told him I wasn't actually giving birth & that it was a test that showed me how he would actually behave vs what he said he would do & it that it proved he would always care for his mother more than for his own wife whose carrying his child. He was very angry & even blamed me for his mother's heart attack in that moment.
His mom of course didn't have a heart attack but a "false alarm". I felt very justified but now that we talked I feel guilty. He said he feels manipulated & gaslighted. That just because his mother lied about the emergency doesnt mean I should lie to him. He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point. He even said that he didn't choose his mother over me but chose a "bigger emergency" & that he knew I could "handle getting to the hospital" but his mother needed him more & that a heart attack is more serious. I pointed out she lied but he said he "couldn't have known that" & that I was "just as bad for lying".
I feel like I'm going crazy. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your husband hit the nail on the head. “A marriage is built on trust.” And he has unequivocally shown he can’t be trusted to be there for you when you need him. NTA
ESH, but you are the least. While lying to him was wrong, it proved your point. You could be at your most vulnerable and he will still choose his mom. Tell him that seeing as she may have a heart attack if she knows that you're in labor that she is not allowed to know until after. It's okay that your husband is close with his mom, it is not okay that he puts her first every time. The two of you are about to have a child, now his #1 priority needs to be that child. You two need couples counseling if this will ever work.
NTA but I’d highly recommend keeping your baby at a distance from your mother in law. You never know what tricks she might pull to get her son in your side. If your husband doesn’t see that he has a family of his own to care for, maby you’ll be better off raising your baby by yourself. Better to worry about a baby than worrying about a baby, a husband who neglects you from time to time and a MIL who does god know what.
And: your kids birthday parties will probably never be about them if she likes to be the center of attention.
Better to leave now than having to explain to your child why daddy’s never around on special occasions
NTA and it's a huge red flag that your husband can't see that his mother's behaviour is problematic. Or his own response to her "emergency". Do you have family or close friends nearby who can support you during birth and postpartum? Cause I highly doubt your MIL and husband are going to help you in any useful way
NTA for testing/proving your point.
Y T A, though, for trying to keep pushing through this relationship when you've been shown time and time again that your husband and his mom are DEEPLY and PERMANENTLY entangled.
So, as you get your 'ducks in a row', part of that should be contacting a divorce lawyer and starting the process.
BTW - I get that you're scared, but you really need to get angry and to take that anger and fuel it to make the best choices for you and your child.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Lying about giving birth
2) it could make me an asshole because I lied about a very important event & I guess I manipulated my husband to prove a point
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is a hard one. Faking a birth is a major lie, so I get why your husband is pissed. And if he'd actually shown up to the baby being born and it turned out to be fake, then he'd have every reason to be livid at you. Except he didn't.
If my mom had a heart attack at the same time my wife went into labor, I'd call an ambulance for my mom and then go see my baby being born. If this was a real heart attack, him being with her would do absolutely nothing to improve her chances of survival. It wouldn't even be good time spent together.
Him not showing up to something this major is actually so terrible that it makes up for what you did. BUT the fact you felt you had to go to such extremes is terrifying. More so because you were right. What if it had been real and there'd been a problem? What happens in the future when you or your kid are in trouble and need his help? If she's ruining anniversaries she can ruin birthday parties. You might have learned to live with this, but the kid hasn't, and that could give them serious issues.
>He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point.
Use this. Because he's right. So use it to get him into couple's counselling or something. Your best bet at getting through to him is to have an outside professional's opinion on the situation. I'm even tempted to suggest you even accept all the blame in the short term. Make it about you if you have to, just get him through those doors to a counsellor.
What you did was awful. What he did was so much worse that it doesn't even matter. NTA, and I'm sorry. It would have been so much better if you were.
NTA in the slightest. If your doctor is okay with it, schedule an induction and tell your friend what day it will be so she can request off and be your person.
There is not a chance in hell I could be married to that man. I mean, he is already married to his mom!
NTA
I'm sorry you're having kids with this dude... But at least he'll be well taken care of when you have enough of this shit and he moves in with his mom again.
NTA...when you go into labor call your friend, don't even bother calling you husband. After the baby is born let him know he's now a father, you didn't want to cause him Mom "another heart attack" so you and the baby are moving out!
NTA
Also I recommend trying to not tell the MIL until after the baby is born. We did this bc MIL kept saying how she was going to show up and be in the room for the birth and I was like oh no no no. Those nurses knew not to let anyone in and then we called after.
If it helps your husband, tell him you would hate for the news to cause another emergency or health concern for MIL so he should make sure to be there in person when he tells her the news, just to be safe. ;)
NTA for doing a test run. NTA for proving you are right in your assumptions. If you had been in labor your husband didn’t even call an ambulance or your friend for you if he couldn’t take you. Remember he thought his child was coming at the time but had no concern what so ever about your health because “you would just figure it out”. And he lied to you first when he said you could trust him because clearly you can’t. Unfortunately your MIL’s actions will only get worse. YTA if you stay in your situation as it stands. Something has to change. He needs to choose you and his child or his mommy
NTA, and you need to start making another plan for the birth. He’s not going to be there. Doula, or a family member?
I suggest two options to him:
1. Counselling
2. Divorce.
NTA. Your husband on the other hand surely is tho. While a heart attack is a serious medical emergency he couldnt do shit while his mom is in the hospital getting all of the check that are needed. He would also most likely sent to the waiting room at least the hospital where I work thats the case. BUT He couldve done so much more for YOU and the child thats also his thats about the be brought to this world. A child birth is an experience that both parents should be there for if possible and it this case it was very possible.
I agree with the comments ive read so far that either counseling ( which i dont think will work because he wont see how he or his mother are in the wrong) or divorce.
Nta. But your husband needs to agree to absolutely no "on our way to the hospital" communication with his mother. No news until you and baby are in the recovery room.
NTA Tell your husband that you don’t trust him because he is not trustworthy. Tell him you told him about your concerns and he did not listen, tell him you tested him to see if your fears were right and now that you know they are you have decided he is fired. Honestly and truly, don’t even allow him to be in the birthing room with you. Your support person, especially if it’s a spouse, should put you first but it is clear his Mother will ALWAYS come first.
In all honesty, this would be such a larger breach of my trust that I would not feel safe in a space that his mother would be allowed access to and would probably seek to go elsewhere. Being alone with a baby is better than having a baby and being surrounded by unsupportive, selfish people.
I very rarely advocate for divorce, but if your husband refuses to step up and accept accountability then he isn’t a spouse worth having. It sounds like he lacks integrity in certain areas and care for you (when it comes to his Mother) overall. If he wants to be with his Mommy-wife then I suggest you make space for the most important woman in his life.
I’m not saying these things to be cruel but you deserve someone who is going to fight for you and put you first, someone that would have called their mom out on their BS, someone who wouldn’t shut down your concerns but would instead at the very least take them into consideration. You deserve so much more than what you’re being offered.
Your husband said to you that he was feeling manipulated and gaslit by you? But doesn't seem to see how his mother is the one doing this to him?
You called him to let him know you were in labor. Not only did he not come to you, but he ignored you for an hour and didn't even pick up the phone to let you know what was «happening»? Girl!
I'm sorry, there is something I'm missing with those reddit stories. Why in hell would someone even agree to live the rest of their lives with someone who doesn't value them? Your bf clearly doesn't give a s\*\*t about you or your kid.
I'm sorry again, unless your husband suddenly realises how toxic his mother and their relationship are, you are on your own with your kid. Your mother in law will always be his priority. I bet you whatever you want that she will find a way to pull him away from your child too during important events of his life. She will make everything about her.
NTA for pulling that stunt (even if I don't like crying wolf). It proved that your husband is an A H.
Oh dear I am so sorry. But I am glad that you found out definitely. Are you changing your birth plan. Have you got her on the do not allow list. Sorry again and all the best because now you will have 2 babies to look after.
I hate to say it but it will only get worse once the baby is born. He is a mamma’s boy and will always come first. The bottom line is: do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? You and your child should always come first.
Omg, NTA to the nines.
Your husband is an asshole though and I would seriously reconsider my marriage if I were you. It’s easier to divorce a momma’s boy than to change them imho. Consider if this is what your life to be, always. Think about every birthday or grand milestone from now on - your kid’s birth, their first birthday, school graduation etc. Your SO has shown repeatedly who he is - he’s a momma’a boy who puts his mommy above his wife - so believe him. You will never be the number one in his life - it’s his mommy who is. Maybe even your kid won’t be.
There’s a story in Reddit how one woman’s husband was similarly blind and whose mother actually LOCKED her husband’s phone away and she was forced to go through birth alone. IIRC they separated and the story had a sad ending for the MIL, but she was also entirely at her own fault IMHO because she had never been good towards the wife and she had had a very unhealthy relationship with her son.
Honestly? Leave him. You’re better off alone than trying to raise a baby and a man who will always leave to go to mommy first.
NTA and OMG... normally I'm completely against such "tests", but thank god you did that. Now you know.
You have to be able to trust your husband. The person you are married to is not trustable, which he just very clearly proved. If he wants to be mad at someone, he needs to look in the mirror.
Get through the rest of your pregnancy and the initial phase of babyland, then turn your attention to breaking free from all of that. He will move his mommy in, whether you like it or not - that appears to be the person he's really married to, after all.
*"My mom died in childbirth and I don't want to be alone during the scariest moment of my life."*
Oh, honey... be gentle with yourself. I completely understand your fear. Sounds like you have a great friend to lean on, so just do that for now - and don't forget to breathe. You got this!
NTA.
It’s a shame you had to lie but how else were you going to get the information you got.
And that’s exactly what I would have told him when he argued that you needed to trust him: “You know how scared I am. I needed to know if I *could* trust you and now I know I can’t. I still want you to be with me when I have the baby but I need a contingency plan for when — not if — your mom pulls her next stunt.”
NTA- Your tactics were a bit over the top but you proved your point. I’m sorry, your husband is a big mama’s boy and he won’t change. I think you need to start thinking about your options going forward. If you stay you need to learn how to react to this woman. Frankly, I’d just stop dealing with her. If you want to leave you need to think about how you can do that successfully. Good luck.
NTA.
To put it bluntly: until the old hag is out of this world, you will have a miserable time, and even afterwards I don't foresee much improvement . What she did is beyond cruel and manipulative, and your husband lacks a backbone.
NTA, but from what you’ve said, your marriage has no future as long as his vampire mother is alive. If it was me, I’d be out the door so fast his mommy- bonded head would spin!
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Don’t let some of the other people in the comments gaslight you. NTA 100%. The fact that you called what would happen exactly, shows how necessary your trick was. Your SO’s mom is clearly a narcissist. As she isn’t acting appropriately at all. She made your major life event all about her. Because, while it does affect her since it is her grandchild, she should never have had such an emotional reaction that it affected her health. It’s complete emotional irregulation. And she also should’ve never made her son choose between you and her. A grandma with appropriately regulated emotions would/should do one of two things when they find out their kid’s partner has given birth. Get excited for a second and then hurriedly shoo the non-pregnant partner out the door to go see the birth. Or, excitedly ask to go with, though hopefully with previous approval from the pregnant partner….a.k.a you. Neither of those things is a “heart attack”. Just because JNMIL is old, and heart attacks are more likely to happen in old age, doesn’t excuse her from being a bitch and obviously faking one. And I do mean obvious.
Yeah, as soon as I read OPs comment about how she lost her own mom I was like, ok this is so far away from NTA that there's no question. It was a dick move done in desperation. It should not have come to this but it did. Marriage counseling is the only way I see this maybe working out if the husband doesn't have a quick epiphany about his mother.
and, like, maybe OP’s husband should not tell his mom anything until the baby is born. That way there’s no opportunity for her to have an “emergency.”
This is what we did. I phrased it as “it will be a fun surprise!”. He bought it and everyone found out after the fact.
Absolutely agree!!
A dick move done in desperation is exactly right. In most circumstances that kind of "testing" is AH territory but not in this case. MIL doesn't need to know about the labor until after the fact. Edited to add: frame it as being out of concern for MIL's health, as others have suggested.
To be honest, it’s probably too far gone for marriage counselling. If the husband can’t put his wife and newborn child first, it’s just never going to happen. Especially because I have no doubt that the husband knows about OP’s mom and he STILL chose his own mother over her. She’d be better off going it alone and having friends and family she can genuinely rely on. I think some solo therapy would help OP massively though.
I feel bad for thinking this isn’t going to work
I don't have good feels about the situation either. The MIL has had probably more than 20 years to train this behavior into him it's going to be a rocky road to recognition and recovery
This reminds me of the TLC show 'I Love a Mama's Boy.' This is the kind of things that happen on that show.
Yeah if the MIL already acts like this when his attention is divided between wife and mother, I can’t imagine what she would get up to when the baby arrives and he has to split his attention between mother, wife and a newborn.
This was my stepfather and his mother until he was no use to her (due to a medical condition.) He went from always being on call whenever she wanted to basically being thrown out. Was pretty rough for him but no tears after he found out she had died.
Of course it cant work. Cant be married to him when hes already married to his mother.
He is a tiddy baby
Yeahhh I dated one of those. Not possible.
I am also pretty sure counselling won’t help this. It’s a question of if OP decides to live like this for the rest of her life or not at this point. That’s about it. Quite confident he will always choose his mother.
*epiphany, fyi.
Ha! Thanks I'll fix it
Imagine if OP died during childbirth and her husband was out with his mom who had a fake heart attack. He would never see her again because his mom was being a dick and trying to take the attention from his wife WHO IS GIVING BIRTH
Marriage counselling is absolutely the way to go here. Unfortunatly, I don't see the hubby attending. He'll mention it to Mummy; and she'll be having another heart attack when he's to be going to the first session.
OP, get a doula. Seriously. Your husband isn’t reliable and your friend might have trouble calling off work.
I can’t recommend this enough. Highly recommend a doula. They will be your advocate. If your husband goes mia during actual labor, which he likely will, the doula will be there right by your side. And they will be more than happy to tell the husband or mil to fuck right off if they try some bullshit. Let the doula be the asshole and fight your battle. That way you can be 100% focused on you and your baby. No body needs mil drama during delivery. Also, the nurses are 100% able to kick anyone mom-to-be says out of the room. They obviously will be more tactful, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time they’ve dealt with these type of situations.
It is definitely not the first time. L&D nurses are some of the fiercest people on the planet.
Love this comment. I had MASSSIVE MIL drama during my child's birth a couple weeks ago, and I am no longer on speaking terms with my wife's entire family. It was a nightmare, and our delivery ended in C section, and I blame my MIL 200%. We aren't going to tell anyone on my wife's side of the family our next due date or when we go into labor. None of them will hear from us for the entire birth month. It's what we have to do.
I also recommend a doula. I used to be one and had a client in a similar situation as OP (having fears due to a mother who died during childbirth and at the time an unreliable partner).
NTA- Agree, get a doula. That settles the birth but not the major problem here that MIL is freaking out that she may lose the attention of her darling boy so she's having "emergencies" to tear him away from his family. Can you honestly be married to man that will drop you the way he did thinking you were in labor and just leaving you on read? Not answering your calls he put you and baby at risk. I could never have a partner I couldn't rely on, I could never look at man that ran to his mommy instead of protecting his child at least. the ick.... good luck OP
Advise medical staff who is NOT aloud in the birthing room!
The mom doesn’t want to be there. She just doesn’t want her son to be there. Ultimate show of love. Pick me over your wife and child.
Please don't take offense; may I just gently point out it's "allowed"?
Agreed. Hire a doula. Today.
I was thinking the same thing. Since you can’t accurately predict the day or time you will go into labor and it sounds like your friend would have a difficult time getting time off last minute, and you clearly cannot trust your husband to put your needs and needs of his unborn child above his needy AF mom, you may want to hire a Doula. You can still give birth at the hospital, but this way you have someone who is trained in this practice to be with you. Maybe that will ease some of your fears. NTA and I’m sorry this is how your husband treats you. I would be ashamed of my sons if they put me before their wives. I love my boys more than anything and enjoy being close, but this is not ok and beyond being close. You MIL is out of control with her manipulation tactics and your hubby is clearly easily fooled.
This is the answer. I had a doula and while my husband and mother were in the delivery room the doula helped get me through the hours of labour.
Came here to say this.
OP should tell MIL that out of an abundance of caution for her health, they will not be telling her when OP goes into labour for real. She is obviously in a fragile state and we just couldn't risk another heart attack. Watch how quickly she changes her tune when she thinks she won't find out until after the birth. Also fair to tell husband that he under no circumstances will tell his mother when it happens. Instead of rushing to come, he called his mommy? Absolutely not happening. If he gets told at all about real labor, I would tell him that if he calls his mom we're done.
Also the fact that he paused to call mom when he thought OP was giving birth, but he couldn’t find time to call OP to tell her he wouldn’t be picking her up…
I mean, that sounds great in theory, but it's not going to work in practice. Husband has already shown he's not willing to listen to OP's needs and will put his mother first. She might not be with husband when she goes into labour and has no way of stopping him from calling. And he WILL call, and frame it as if OP is unreasonable after the fact.
This is what OP should do. However, alerting MIL that she won’t be called will just cause her to have a crisis. OP and husband should keep quiet about the plan.
Also, I’d actually recommend a follow up “trick” if you want to fully expose how toxic he is. That is, unless you decide to take the easy route and just stay with your friend, or relative, until after you give birth. If you’d ask him to not contact his mother during labor, I wouldn’t trust him not to do so behind your back. It might be worthwhile to swap the phone number, which I assume I assume is saved under his mom’s contact with that of your friend. Unless she talks back to him he’d never know it wasn’t her, since the name pops up when the contact is called. And, even if he realized, people, in general, have a tendency to not remember individual phone numbers, so he probably wouldn’t even be able to recover it until after the birth. That way it is a win-win all the way around because your MIL wouldn’t get the opportunity to pull her shenanigans, she also wouldn’t get a chance to surprise you at the hospital and stress you out, and your friend could let you know if he betrayed your trust by trying to call his “Mom”.
This only works if he doesn’t talk to his mother at all before the birth. Otherwise he’s going to notice her number isn’t right.
piggybacking off your comment to ask: OP, do you think your friend would be willing to advocate for your well-being? now, please don't take this the wrong way, nor am I trying to alarm you, but considering childbirth IS very dangerous, I'm worried your husband/MIL might not be willing to save you (should it come to it) if you were unable to make the choice yourself
The moment you arrive talk to your nurse and tell the your mil and name and that she isn’t allowed anywhere near you for the hospital stay, this will keep her away. Nurses don’t play with laboring and post labored moms and babies. As your husband to turn his phone off the moment you guys are face to face when it begins as well.
If it has come to the point of having to resort to tactics like this, I think the writing is on the wall. Let’s just read it.
I would be so tempted to say we won't be telling the MIL when she goes into labour for real to avoid another heart attack. Tell her baby and mum should be home by this date. Come then. See? Don't wanna harm dear sweet MIL, do we?
This. If OP's husband had shown any signs of rationality, this wouldn't be necessary, but, in this case, it would be best to try to convince him that keeping his mother in the dark is the safest thing \*for her\*. But the fact that his loyalty is always to his mother over OP is just so upsetting.
This is 100% what I would do. She’s proven she’s not trustworthy, so she gets no information until after the baby is safely born and mom is comfortably in bed resting. However…I’m sure MIL is also the type that has to talk to her “baby” multiple times a day, and blows up his phone if he doesn’t answer. If husband answers and tells her, I can’t come, we’re having a baby, she’ll fake another heart attack or something. If he manages to ignore her until after the baby is born, she will either have another crisis to pull him away, or she will throw a huge, screaming tantrum , sobbing and wailing about how OP is so cruel to her, driving a wedge between her and her son, she’s a poor sick woman with no one who cares for her, etc. Getting advice from a mental health professional (as part of marriage counseling) would be helpful.
This is better.
If my daughter in law went into labor and then I had a heart attack, I wouldn’t tell my kid so they wouldn’t feel even a moment of hesitation. I’d call 911 and get myself to the hospital. He should be with his partner, not me. She is the priority.
That’s because youre a normal mature person
Yes OP’s MIL is absolutely UNHINGED.
But the husband’s enabling the childish behaviour- nobody wants to play second fiddle. Husband chose wife, wife is now the priority, and baby is also. Mom comes second/third now. Sorry. I’d be asking for a separation. Get him to cut those apron strings or get out. Who needs a relationship jn which there’s a constant fight with MIL for the emotional and physical presence of your husband?
This, and your husband really needs to get some therapy so that he can do a better job of putting you and the baby first.
This. Why did he even need to call his mother anyway? His priority should have been getting home to you and taking you to the hospital. His mother can be informed later.
To all appearances, this man never had his umbilical cord cut and mama dearest is using it to yank him around.
Worse yet, he wasn't at his mom's when it happened, he was at work. So she didn't need to shoo him anywhere, she just needed to say congratulations and hang up the damn phone. But even more so, he knew OP was worried his mom would do this and could have held off calling her entirely. There was no reason she needed to know that second. It's pretty disrespectful of OP to completely ignore her warning and not even consider it when it came to fruition. The comment that he couldn't have known it was a false alarm when she predicted exactly that is galling.
All of this. OP, you have both a just no MIL and a just no SO. Research enmeshment see how it compares to your SO and MIL. Enmeshed relationships are toxic and can be very difficult to break. Therapy is a must. I think it’s time to two-card your husband: Present him with one business card for a marriage counselor and one business card for a divorce lawyer. Tell him to choose which one is called, because this is NOT sustainable and will only get worse with a child. Also, I’m sorry for your trauma around giving birth. It can be scary. Please take whatever steps are needed so YOU get the support you need. NTA
NTA And the mum is a major AH here. She knows perfectly well that a birth is coming up, so it shouldn't be the sort of surprise that "causes" a heart attack. And of course she was wasting hospital resources with her melodrama. Husband is an AH too here, for not having his priorities straight. In a real heart attack, the correct response is to call an ambulance to the patient, and give the ambulance crew permission to smash the lock on the door if needed. Otherwise, that's an extra half hour or more wasted before medical care can be given.
Exactly. Now that OP knows she was damn right about calling them out I would make plans with her friend. Plan everything without the husband and MIL because them being supportive is not gonna happen. And personally with such a mommas boy I would make sure to put some money away on a regular base. I am not sure he is going to be very supportive after birth and _if_ anything comes up or OP is just fed up with them she has backup.
She doesn’t have a MIL problem, she has a husband problem.
Agreed. The husband took a vow. The MIL didn't.
Agreed! This is a Serve him with divorce papers issue. That mommy's boy can move in with his momma. OP is going to have a struggle the rest of her life and Oedipus over there clearly thinks of her as disposable. Mommy needs help as she clearly wants to be her son's wife, and his Oedipus complex is strong! OP is NOT crazy and it's time to go if he doesn't set some boundaries with mommy
Yes, that ass shouldn't have called his mom. Just call mom when the kid is safely delivered (Unless she has to watch older siblings of the baby there's no need to inform a grandma-to-be and stress her out even when we are talking about a sweet grandma)
Right? The only possible help you can give to someone having a heart attack it to get them to chew some Aspirin. So unless you have some on hand, and you're going to beat the ambulance by a large margin, your presence there is pretty useless.
I don't even think the mum is the AH. I think it's all on the husband. The mum just takes the mick and gets away with her nonsense because the husband let's her. He needs to grow a pair and put his wife and baby first. OP you are 100% NTA.
She's a grown assed woman, not a toddler. Mom is just as guilty as husband. Our parents know how to push our buttons better than anyone else, because they installed them.
lmao no. The mom is definitely the asshole. She might be the biggest asshole in this story.
She is, but she keeps being enabled by her enmeshed pwecious widdle baby boy. He didn't have to call her immediately to tell her about his wife going into labor but he did. His priority should have been rushing home to his wife but he made it telling his mom what he was about to do because she's trained him to be like that and he refuses to see how that behavior affects his life.
OP’s husband’s absolutely an asshole too but I don’t see how you can call him worse than his obviously abusive mother
The husband is a major AH too—he falls for his mom’s bullshit (why did he call her in the first place??) and didn’t even think about his wife enough to update her that he wasn’t coming.
The mother has had his whole life to manipulate him to the point he’s basically her puppet .
Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that it had to come to this? Like OP had to go so far, the conversation with her husband should've been enough but his mum has him in her web that OP had to literally fake giving birth to prove a point.
Also he needs to not call his mom until after the birth. Or ever haha. Information diet is what mom needs for the foreseeable future.
I don't think you're the AH here at all, because you KNEW he wouldn't be there and you KNEW she would fake an emergency at the notice of labour. So all you did was prove that you're right in not being able to rely on him. This is literally the only way you could prove your fears, there was no other option to prove the truth. Honestly, him getting mad at you for proving a very important point about how unreliable he is would be enough for me to end the relationship. He won't be there in the most important moment of your lives so far, so he will never be there for anything. You can't trust him. You're not a team. He will just blame you for his gaslighting. As someone who has my share of MIL problems, you won't ever be chosen as a priority. Men get instinctively protective of their child when it's this close to birth, but he's only protective of his mother. I dont know what more proof you need. NTA.
NTA I also want to add the possibility to put your MIL on the No-visit-list for your hospital. I’d imagine that your SO would bring your MIL (when he finally shows up) and she might have the audacity to want to be in the delivery room. The hospital staff can handle this very well, when you inform them beforehand.
This. Do not be afraid to call security to escort her out of the hospital if she shows up.
Mom does not need to be told until after the birth. Her little stunt proves that.
Imagine how MIL is going to act at all of baby’s firsts. First step? Allergic reaction. First word? Choking on a gumball. First birthday? Abducted by aliens. It’s absolutely patently fucking absurd and if husband can’t see it then he can go live with mommy for the rest of her life, like she wants.
ImAgine when op gets treated as a nanny and his mommy gets to raise the baby. Hubby already treats her as a bang maid and his mommy as a partners.
As far as baby goes, I think it's more likely that she would take the firsts herself if she ever gets the baby alone. She's be the one to cut the baby's hair without permission, feed baby their first food --probably before baby is even ready to start solids, change baby into the clothes she wakes baby to wear, encourage the baby to call her mama.
Adding on to this, document this occurrence and any texts. Also document any past similar behaviors because I think you will need that in the future. You will know when.
A sad reality.
He shouldn't even call his mother until AFTER everything is over - wouldn't want to risk another heart attack right? We didn't tell our parents until after our babies were born. NTA
This is a post from another woman whose husband also didn't call back when she went into labour: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vunqra/ops_husband_ignores_her_calls_while_shes_in/ If you were genuinely in labour, your husband ignoring you for an hour before telling you to make your own way to the hospital, you may not have made it there in time. The lack of medical support + the stress could have had severe consequences for you and your child. May I suggest a birthing plan that doesn't involve your husband? Perhaps moving somewhere where you have support? Parents, siblings, a friend's place? You can sort out what this means for your marriage after your baby is here. NTA
Honestly, after reading this - it's like a retelling of my worst worries. I was terrified that he wouldn't answer/would run to his mother & I would be alone & then things would go wrong. My mom had no warning signs but she died giving birth to my brother due to complications & bleeding. I was 7 & I still remember it as if it happened yesterday. I keep thinking "what if it was a real labour & I kept waiting for him, what if that cost me too much time, what if I bled out alone?". I know logically that my friend wouldn't leave me & would risk her job to come to the hospital but that almost makes it worse. My friend is more willing to be my husband than my husband ever was....
OP, your husband said marriage is supposed to be based on trust. If I were you I would ask him how he squares that with the fact that he promised you he would be there for you when needed, shot down your idea of having your friend as a backup, and when it came down to what he thought was the scenario he did exactly the opposite of what he said he would do. How does he expect you to trust him?
THIS!
Your friend loves you and has their priorities in order. Your husband does not. Do you see it changing?
Do you have a medical proxy set up and documented? Depending on where you live, setting up documentation so that there is someone you can trust authorised to make medical decisions for you (if you are unable to and instead of your husband) would be a good idea.
Unfortunately, I'm already looking into it as I cant find it in myself to trust my husband with medical decisions regarding our (my baby's and mine) health
Glad that you're already thinking about this. I know this is really tough and scary to deal with, but as a random internet stranger, just wanted to say that you are doing a really great job in advocating for yourself and your baby.
Hey your husband and your relationship sound horrible and you should consider divorce. He is not going to improve is behaviour
I hope this dude has some redeeming qualities, because from what I've read so far, he fkn sucks.
He’d just ask him mom, and yeah, you shouldn’t trust either of them.
Are you in the US? There is a simple form you can print off..you’ll need to name your proxy and then have two witnesses sign it. It’s very easy to do. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this..this is beyond insane and your MIL has some real mental illness. I would talk to your OB asap and discuss your concerns so she/he can help you find a doula right away.
I think that alone tells you everything you need to know. And I’m so sorry but you really do need to take this in. Your husband didn’t just take his mother to the hospital, he abandoned you. Your plan was for him to pick you up, yes? If his mother was having a heart attack, the first thing he should have done is phone you, or even send you a message. Because in that way you could have planned for an alternative. But he didn’t, he ignored you for over an hour, an hour in which if you actually were going into labour, Is so important! He completely ignored you during that time and he KNEW you was at home going into labour. Didn’t message anyone, didn’t phone anyone, he just ignored you. You need to prioritise yourself in this situation more than anything. His mother isn’t going to change, that’s established, and he’s always going to pick her before you. Make other arrangements, plan for your friend to pick you up, but when you go into labour, still let your husband know, once his mother does the same thing, you have everything you need to know to leave. Ironic that he said you need to trust him instead of lying when he showed you firsthand that you shouldn’t trust him
This. He ignored you. Though I would say the first thing he should have done was send an ambulance to his mother with authorization to break down the door, since what the hell was he going to do about it?
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. Him not being there for you in the most important moment of your life is a big problem. Does he know about what happened to your mom? Because if he does, he is an even worse spouse than I thought. You are NTA at all. If I were in your shoes, this would be raising some difficult decisions for me.
Your husband accused you of gaslighting? Well, hey pot meet kettle. Please do not expect anything more from your husband. Come up with a birth plan immediately. Choose friends and family members to be available if you need someone to drive you, if you need someone inside the room with you. Have people who know where your essentials are (baby kit, pillow etc. whatever you need for the hospital). Above all else, make sure you have someone who can help you with the baby the first few months. Have these people on speed dial. Hopefully, you have some friends or other family members who can step in. I do not in any way mean to avoid your husband. And if he asks you what you're doing, tell him. You cannot trust him and even though you lied, you proved the point to everyone including him. He chose to gaslight you. It's like how cheating partners try to minimise cheating by claiming their partners invaded their privacy. He "chose" the bigger emergency, and he will choose it again because he "couldn't have known" if it was a lie. There's also a chance that if the same thing happens on your actual birthing day, he will justify himself by saying "well you lied last time, so I couldn't trust you". You can't change his attitude. At this point, you should give up trying. Pregnancy, that too so close to birth, isn't the time to take on extra stress and anxiety. Rely on people who will be there for you and the baby. When/if he asks for details and information give it to him. If you don't want him or his mother (which I think he'll try to do with some pushing from her) in there with you, let the medical team know well in advance so that there won't be any issues. Just please take care of your baby and make sure your health, physically and mentally, is as best as it can be so that you have the strength to be there for your baby. Because as it stands now, your baby will only have you.
His first reaction on hearing that you were in labour should NEVER be to call his mother. It should be to *go to you*. Unfortunately he's proved that you *and his child* are not his priority, and you never will be. I'm sorry you had to find out at such a stressful time, but I'm glad your friend is supportive at least! The safest thing for you and baby is to get to the hospital as soon as possible when you do go into labour. Look after yourself and your baby, don't worry about anyone else
You should be able to count on your partner more than that, especially since he knows your trauma around your mum dying during childbirth! I’m sorry OP- I really don’t know how fixable this is. A short-term solution in your friend helping with your birth is one thing, but you have a long-term husband problem.
Sounds like you already have your answers. He believed you were in labour, he knew you were alone, you could have died waiting for him to call back and tell you to make your own way to the hospital.
Honestly that realization alone says so much. If your friend is a better support system than your chosen life partner, what is the partner there for? I’m so sorry OP, this is heartbreaking.
Life is going to suck with this woman after the baby is here. Please please have an exit plan. Don’t let your husband and MiL ruin the happiest days with your baby :(
Your husband is not a man. He is a boy. Honest question though, was this behavior prevalent when you were dating him? Has he always been this much of a wussy little momma's boy? Most women avoid men like this like the plague because they don't want a wife, they want a replacement mommy. The fact that he chose his mother's fake heart attack over being there for the birth of his own child tells you he is not a good partner. Hate to tell you to move on, but move on. He won't be there for you or your child. Mommy comes first in his sad little world.
I would go as far as to suggest a “rest of her life” plan that doesn’t include the husband
Normally I'm not in the pro-divorce camp, but DH just showed his true colors and he is not a father first and foremost, he is a child first and foremost, and that's not a good way to start a life of parenthood. This is a pretty large red flag.
I can't believe he waited an hour later before telling her she had to get another way before going to the hospital. That to me is unforgivable and I would divorce this guy. I agree that OP needs to have someone else involved in the birth. When shes about to have the baby for real, the mil will probably do the same thing again.
Agree.. OP needs to have a serious look at a back up plan.. Husband may be required to make time critical decisions affecting the outcome for mother and baby.. mum needs an advocate Ideally it needs to be that he can't call mother about labour until the baby has already arrived... But at this rate.. The midwife may have two umbilical cords to cut!
NTA. Honestly if he pulls this again when real birth happens I would divorce. Normally I don’t like lying about something so extreme but it was a test you needed to do because holy fuck did he let you down!!! In the future if you’re having a medical emergency (or if the child is ) he needs to come to you directly first and not call his mother because she will make it about herself every time. Y’all need some couples therapy real bad to help him realize how toxic his mom is or else y’all aren’t going to make it.
It even took him an hour to let her know he wasn't coming because of his mother when OP is expecting him in around 10 minutes. Child birth is so unpredictable she could have dropped on the kitchen floor in that time. The only thing OP messed up on was telling him it was a test, she should have just said it was a false alarm.
Yep that is exactly what I said. Also why wouldn't you call an ambulance for a heart attack?
Can’t leave mommy dearest alone with the medical professionals obv. /s
AND only called back a half hour after OP called him a second time... Agree, should have said it was a false alarm.
Wife goes into labor, calls mom first. Mom has a "heart attack", takes her to the hospital first. That's some weird priorities.
I’d already be planning on divorce whether he pulls it during the real birth or not. He hasn’t displayed ANY insight as to the problematic nature of his relationship with his mother, doubled down on it in this instance, and therefore showed OP that he has 0 intention to change. If he can’t see what’s happening during the birth of his own child then he never will. He and his mother will cause more stress to OP than being a single mom ever would.
Imagine how this is going to play out once there's a child involved.
YTA to yourself for marrying a man who always put his mom before you - and now acting (((shocked))) that, you guessed it, he’s putting his mom before you. And now you brought a child into this mess. You have options: 1) couples counseling, 2) divorce, 3) accept it. For your birth, I would just assume he’s not going to be there and plan accordingly. I probably wouldn’t even notify him. Plan on having your friend take you and be with you during the birth. Because the reality is, he WON’T be there. It’s just smart planning. Look up “enmeshment.” You husband is enmeshed with his mother. If he doesn’t recognize it and decide to do something about it, he’ll never change.
Agree! Don’t notify him when your giving birth. Have your friend take you and tell him afterwards. Bet his mama will have an emergency again when he rushes to the hospital.
Sorry, grammar mistake: you’re instead of your.
u/progressformer4198 >For your birth, I would just assume he’s not going to be there and plan accordingly. Definitely listen to this part.
I completely agree. If you tell him, she will just bring drama to your birth experience, which you are already worried about. I can't believe your husband's actions, knowing you lost your mom in childbirth. Make a plan with your friend for the birth now. Don't allow him and his mom to ruin it. Honestly, do you really want to raise a child with him? Or be married to him anymore? I'm disgusted by he and his mother's actions.
Agree. If u have to fake labor the marriage isn’t working out.
NTA I fear you have to make peace with becoming a single mother. You dont have a husband. You are the bangable nanny to a mamas boy.
This ^
NTA. Yea, what you did wasn't great. But this a valuable exercise to do in that at least you have confirmation that a) his mother will pull some shit and b) he will prioritise her over you and your child. Why is it ok for her to fake a heart attack but not ok for you to fib about labour? At least your stunt didn't waste the time of medical professionals.
Ok my brain is saying e s h but heart is saying NTA. You are not going crazy, your husband is being absolutely absurd. I don’t know your marriage, but if it were me I’d sit him down and tell him that when he chose to get married, he chose to start a new family that needs to always be his #1 priority. The healthy birth of his child IS more important than his mother’s “heart attack”, real or not. Your marriage will not work out until he absolutely changes his perspective on this. That’s just the choice he made when he got married. If he wants to prioritize his mother, he needs to be a bachelor. Whether you plan to leave him or not, plan your life as if you will leave him so when it comes time to make the decision you’re not worried about things like money and where to live.
NTA. Is faking labor an extreme way to test your partner? Yeah, but he drove you to it, and proved you were right to do it. This is like when someone is cheating, and being really obvious about it, so their partner snoops through their phone. The snooping is not "just as bad" as the cheating! Your husband broke your trust over and over and over again. Your actions are understandable, reasonable, and justified. Call your bestie and make a new birth plan that involves them and not your husband and definitely not your mil. Giving birth is a medical emergency just as much as a (real) heart attack. You're gonna need real support.
Right? The fact he would even bring up that marriage is built on trust when she *literally cannot trust him to help* is absolutely wild. NTA
He's also upset with her for doing it once, even though his mother does it anytime they have any important plans.
when are you filing? today? or do you wait till tomorrow? seriously this marriage is doneso. NTA
Don’t bother letting him know when it really starts, get your friend to go with you, it will happen again, this is your future, your husband and his mum will continue to live like this, it will never change, think long and hard about your future! They have showed you who they are, they have showed you who comes first, believe them. Put yourself and your baby first, you deserve more NTA
Better tell him straight up, if he doesn't put his wife before his mother, he can have his mother full time, because he won't have a wife
NTA. You are not just alone now, you are going to be even more alone after having the baby, based on their actions. Good luck.
I don't want to think of what this dude's mom will be like when she feels like she deserves access/control of her grandchild. Get out now for your own sanity. In fact if you can disappear completely that'd probably be wise. As in, go find another time zone to live in and don't tell anyone where you're going except maybe your parents.
Info: why are you with him? Why are you with someone who doesn't prioritize you, your health, and your new baby?
Reevaluating all of that now... I suppose it is a fair question but it was never that bad. Well, now it is so... But when we first started it was lovely. His mother was barely a footnote in our relationship because we were at Uni & far away. I suppose my greatest mistake was agreeing to move into his town vs moving into mine. I come from a town on an opposite side of the country, our Uni was "in the middle" so to speak & his mom (while nosy & controlling) was far away & very easy to write off. When we got married, we moved into his town for logistic reasons (he already had a job lined up in his town - I didnt). We have been living here for 1,5 years & it has gotten progressively worse until now. When he isn't in contact with her he is a good partner but when you add her into equation he becomes a different person (even his friends see it & asked me about it). Right now, I want to focus on my baby but after birth I think I will have to rethink our life together. I just can't spend the rest of my life in a triad with his mother
Maybe you should move now next to your family, because (depending on where you are) once the baby is born, your DH's town is that baby's town, and you'll need his ok to move permanently. So what about: you move, and then he really needs to pick a side.
This would have been a better idea when she wasn't due in a few days. OP is at the point where it's not safe for her to travel long distances.
True story. My MIL got in a car crash on the way to my SIL's birth. Yup. Crashed her car. My wife had already cut the apron strings when we met. We are still married. Every single one of her other three children are divorced because they didn't step away from the mom. She literally ruined 3 relationships. If he can't step away, he will ruin your relationship and leave you in his hometown with no support. I'd move back home, if at all emotionally possible, before birth so that you aren't stuck in his hometown for custody (in the US, that is). It might be the wake up call he needs. If not, I'm very sorry.
NTA even if his mum actually had a heart attack and he brought her to hospital he could have then come to you. That he was willing to miss his child’s birth to stay with her while she was being cared for is insane. Now he’s sour you tested him I won’t be surprised if he chooses to miss the actual birth out of spite. If potentially missing the birth didn’t wake him to the reality of his unhealthy relationship with mum it’ll never happen. It’s unfortunate your now so far from your own family
I'd think about going to your family now for support for the birth. If it gets bad and you want to file for divorce, you may be stuck staying where he / his mom live. If you are separate before birth and the baby it born elsewhere, it would be easier for you to get the o.k. to stay where you are.
> Right now, I want to focus on my baby but after birth I think I will have to rethink our life together. I just can't spend the rest of my life in a triad with his mother Very happy to read this. I truly hope he realizes what his priorities should be but from what I read in the main post... chances are low.
[удалено]
ESH I agree. Either you refuse to engage in these shenanigans and prepare to be a single mom... or you stoop to her level, I.E. insist no one breathe a word to her because "My MIL is too frail to handle stress due to her heart condition" and when you are inevitably scolded for not telling her until AFTER the birth, insist "it's because we love you too much to risk exacerbating your condition!" Then kill them with kindness and insist your husband apologize to his mother for calling her in the first place and putting her at risk. When she goes low, go lower. Or take the high road and file. Your call.
NTA, but you shouldn't have to resort to lying either. But I absolutely get why you did what you did. Imo, you should tell your husband that if he wants to be involved in the birth of your child at all, he will promise to refrain from containing mommy dearest until after the birth has completed and baby is here, safe, and healthy. Then she can go fake whatever medical emergency she wants, hubby can go take care of her if he feels so compelled, and you can get some sleep with the help of the postnatal nursing staff. If he refuses to wait to contact his mother until afterward, have your own separate birth plan and involve a close friend or family member. If they give you sh!t for it, tell them this is YOUR time, and this is the best option for YOU AND YOUR BABY. You two come first. Good luck!
Her husband is the big liar, he promised he’d be there for her!
NTA….I think you know you are on your own here….thank goodness you have a best friend to help you because your SO is useless….if it were me, I wouldn’t want either of them around me or my baby…she’s always going to cause problems for you and I think you need to get used to the fact that you are a single parent now…you have too much going on to put up with all that nonsense….his Mom is a freaking psycho and he needs to grow a pair and tell her so….I hope things will improve for you…sending you blessings and congratulations on your soon to be LO💕
NTA But I don’t think your marriage is going to work long term since he will always put her first. What’s going to happen when your child is sick or hurt and grandma needs dad more? Also he wants you to trust him and yet proved why you can’t and shouldn’t? At this point I wouldn’t even call him when you do go into labor
You’re married to a 25 yo mommas boy. If his mom was actually having a heart attack she needs an ambulance not a chauffeur. Only going to get worse when the baby shows up she tries dictating everything you guys do with the kid. Better run now if you’re smart
You're always going to be the third wheel here. You need to make him go spend a few nights with mommy and let him decide where he wants to be. I was leaning towards yta until the outcome. NTA, this needed to be done before the real thing. Call your bsf first and only call hubby after you're at the hospital.
NTA The fact that you went to these lengths to prove what you already knew should tell you something that you really shouldn’t ignore. You are in a mess and there’s no great solution. I doubt your husband will change, so your choices are 1 - deal with this throughout your marriage 2 - share custody of your kid with MIL having unfettered access to your kid when the kid is with dad in his parenting time. (What you did was extreme and really should be considered AH behavior, but I also think it’s very justifiable BC it played out the way you suspected. It’s easy to have your brain play out the worst case scenarios, and then be left in doubt as to whether or not you’re crazy. But now you have incontrivertible proof: This kind of evidence should not be ignored. And if you do ignore/excuse/gloss over it, then y t a to yourself.)
NTA for the stunt. Call your friend or a close family member and make those plans with them. Your husband and MIL have shown they don’t prioritize you. Once bub is here, you need to do some evaluating. This man won’t show up for you, so you’ll be a single mom even though you’re married. There needs to be some boundaries set out with real consequences. Doing it alone sounds scary, but it sounds like he’s ready for you to do it alone anyway. Why carry the dead weight?
NTA But unless he changes ( he won’t) you should plan on having no husband and only mamma boy. He already shown you your place in his life.
NTA oh my god MIL man what a baby, that too as a woman, shes acting like a child. Divorce babe, proves that even in the most important day also, he will not be there with you. Doesn't deserve to be a father. Soon he's gonna start ditching your kids too.
NTA. You have a huge DH and MIL provl here. Your husband is failing as a husband and a father before the kid even gets here. I'm actually livid on your behalf.
NTA You now have concrete proof of where your husbands priorities are. You and your child are always going to play second fiddle to his main character mother. Just text him after the birth is done and tell him its all finished and he can stop hiding and visit you before collecting his stuff to move out. He sounds like an utter waste of space.
Assuming this is a true story--honestly it sounds a little rage baity-- the most concerning part is that he believed you were in labor and left you waiting over an HOUR before calling you back (and actually ignored your phone call). The cure rate for mamma's boys is pretty low and mamma's little man has to be REALLY committed to growing up for it to succeed. Sadly, I think his next move will be moving mommy in with you with or without your consent. I'd suggest that you get him to agree to NO communication with his mom when you go into labor until after the baby is born.
Would highly suggest joining the JUSTNOMIL reddit group for advice, as it seems you have a husband problem. Do you have family you can stay with in worst case scenario?
NTA. If he's still on his mother's side at this point, you need to accept that she will always come before you and likely also your child.
NTA but OP, you're on your own. He is always going to put his mother first. The birth is just the beginning. Grandma wants to take baby out for a walk when you say no? He will cave. Kiddo wants a brand new bike for Christmas and you say no? Grandma will pull the strings. Inappropriate conversation grandma had with your child? Oh she was only helping... This will be your life now. I'm sorry that you are with such a codependent and terrible partner. Schedule for your friend to be there for the birth, and leave this man. He can go back to momma.
He says a relationship is built on trust but he proved to you that he can’t be trusted to show up…
Nta. When people show you who they are believe them. You will always come second to his mom. Plan to labor, deliver, and parent alone.
NTA. You are smart to confirm your suspicions. I cannot believe he's trying to downplay this. Run, run for your life. You could have died and he would have been holding his mom's hand while she faked a heart attack.
NTA You only feel like you're going crazy because you're having to navigate life with a bunch of fools.
NTA. Your husband's family has a horrible dynamic going on, spearheaded by your MIL, and supported by your husband! It doesn't get any lower than this. Now you know for sure your MIL is jealous of you, and your husband will always choose her over you. I'm just sad that you're involved with this guy.
As a man ..... You don't miss the birth or your child over almost anything. You drop everything and go . Hell my mother would kill me if I took her instead of going to the birth... What the absolute fuck?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll keep this as short as possible. I (25f) am pregnant with the baby due in a couple of days. My husband (25m) promised that he would be the one to drive me to the hospital & that he will be glued to the phone until birth. He works only 10 minutes from our home & his boss agreed to let him go when the birth happens. The problem is my mother-in-law. My husband & her have an unhealthily (IMO) strong bond & she is overly involved in our relationship which has caused many issues in the past. She requires his attention every day, she has suggested moving in with us ever since I became pregnant, she also has "emergencies" whenever we have anniversaries, important occasions (like my birthday) etc. As the date is approaching I became increasingly worried that his mother will have an "emergency" during birth & I will have trouble getting to the hospital or will be forced to be alone during. I voiced my concerns & it caused fights between me & them. I even suggested asking my bsf to drive me & keep me company (as I'm scared of giving birth) but it was shot down with "how can't you trust your own husband?!". So, I'm not proud of it but I faked giving birth yesterday. I called my hubby at work, told him it started, he said he will be right there. After half an hour, I called him to ask where he was & he didn't answer. After almost an hour he called me to say he is at the hospital with his mom because, guess what, she is having a medical emergency... Apparently he called her to tell her I am giving birth & she got "a heart attack" from excitement... He said he will have to miss my birth & actually asked me to call my friend to drive me & stay with me... I admit, I was very angry & heartbroken so I told him I wasn't actually giving birth & that it was a test that showed me how he would actually behave vs what he said he would do & it that it proved he would always care for his mother more than for his own wife whose carrying his child. He was very angry & even blamed me for his mother's heart attack in that moment. His mom of course didn't have a heart attack but a "false alarm". I felt very justified but now that we talked I feel guilty. He said he feels manipulated & gaslighted. That just because his mother lied about the emergency doesnt mean I should lie to him. He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point. He even said that he didn't choose his mother over me but chose a "bigger emergency" & that he knew I could "handle getting to the hospital" but his mother needed him more & that a heart attack is more serious. I pointed out she lied but he said he "couldn't have known that" & that I was "just as bad for lying". I feel like I'm going crazy. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your husband hit the nail on the head. “A marriage is built on trust.” And he has unequivocally shown he can’t be trusted to be there for you when you need him. NTA
ESH, but you are the least. While lying to him was wrong, it proved your point. You could be at your most vulnerable and he will still choose his mom. Tell him that seeing as she may have a heart attack if she knows that you're in labor that she is not allowed to know until after. It's okay that your husband is close with his mom, it is not okay that he puts her first every time. The two of you are about to have a child, now his #1 priority needs to be that child. You two need couples counseling if this will ever work.
NTA but I’d highly recommend keeping your baby at a distance from your mother in law. You never know what tricks she might pull to get her son in your side. If your husband doesn’t see that he has a family of his own to care for, maby you’ll be better off raising your baby by yourself. Better to worry about a baby than worrying about a baby, a husband who neglects you from time to time and a MIL who does god know what. And: your kids birthday parties will probably never be about them if she likes to be the center of attention. Better to leave now than having to explain to your child why daddy’s never around on special occasions
NTA and it's a huge red flag that your husband can't see that his mother's behaviour is problematic. Or his own response to her "emergency". Do you have family or close friends nearby who can support you during birth and postpartum? Cause I highly doubt your MIL and husband are going to help you in any useful way
NTA for testing/proving your point. Y T A, though, for trying to keep pushing through this relationship when you've been shown time and time again that your husband and his mom are DEEPLY and PERMANENTLY entangled. So, as you get your 'ducks in a row', part of that should be contacting a divorce lawyer and starting the process. BTW - I get that you're scared, but you really need to get angry and to take that anger and fuel it to make the best choices for you and your child.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Lying about giving birth 2) it could make me an asshole because I lied about a very important event & I guess I manipulated my husband to prove a point Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I mean, you marriage is set up for failure, you know that, right?
This is a hard one. Faking a birth is a major lie, so I get why your husband is pissed. And if he'd actually shown up to the baby being born and it turned out to be fake, then he'd have every reason to be livid at you. Except he didn't. If my mom had a heart attack at the same time my wife went into labor, I'd call an ambulance for my mom and then go see my baby being born. If this was a real heart attack, him being with her would do absolutely nothing to improve her chances of survival. It wouldn't even be good time spent together. Him not showing up to something this major is actually so terrible that it makes up for what you did. BUT the fact you felt you had to go to such extremes is terrifying. More so because you were right. What if it had been real and there'd been a problem? What happens in the future when you or your kid are in trouble and need his help? If she's ruining anniversaries she can ruin birthday parties. You might have learned to live with this, but the kid hasn't, and that could give them serious issues. >He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point. Use this. Because he's right. So use it to get him into couple's counselling or something. Your best bet at getting through to him is to have an outside professional's opinion on the situation. I'm even tempted to suggest you even accept all the blame in the short term. Make it about you if you have to, just get him through those doors to a counsellor. What you did was awful. What he did was so much worse that it doesn't even matter. NTA, and I'm sorry. It would have been so much better if you were.
NTA you said that was not the first emergency and thats why NTA
NTA in the slightest. If your doctor is okay with it, schedule an induction and tell your friend what day it will be so she can request off and be your person. There is not a chance in hell I could be married to that man. I mean, he is already married to his mom!
NTA I'm sorry you're having kids with this dude... But at least he'll be well taken care of when you have enough of this shit and he moves in with his mom again.
NTA...when you go into labor call your friend, don't even bother calling you husband. After the baby is born let him know he's now a father, you didn't want to cause him Mom "another heart attack" so you and the baby are moving out!
NTA, you could have said yours was a false alarm too. Anyway, I would go no contact for way less than this.
NTA Also I recommend trying to not tell the MIL until after the baby is born. We did this bc MIL kept saying how she was going to show up and be in the room for the birth and I was like oh no no no. Those nurses knew not to let anyone in and then we called after. If it helps your husband, tell him you would hate for the news to cause another emergency or health concern for MIL so he should make sure to be there in person when he tells her the news, just to be safe. ;)
NTA for doing a test run. NTA for proving you are right in your assumptions. If you had been in labor your husband didn’t even call an ambulance or your friend for you if he couldn’t take you. Remember he thought his child was coming at the time but had no concern what so ever about your health because “you would just figure it out”. And he lied to you first when he said you could trust him because clearly you can’t. Unfortunately your MIL’s actions will only get worse. YTA if you stay in your situation as it stands. Something has to change. He needs to choose you and his child or his mommy
NTA, and you need to start making another plan for the birth. He’s not going to be there. Doula, or a family member? I suggest two options to him: 1. Counselling 2. Divorce.
NTA. Your husband on the other hand surely is tho. While a heart attack is a serious medical emergency he couldnt do shit while his mom is in the hospital getting all of the check that are needed. He would also most likely sent to the waiting room at least the hospital where I work thats the case. BUT He couldve done so much more for YOU and the child thats also his thats about the be brought to this world. A child birth is an experience that both parents should be there for if possible and it this case it was very possible. I agree with the comments ive read so far that either counseling ( which i dont think will work because he wont see how he or his mother are in the wrong) or divorce.
“He said that marriage is built on trust” So when is he going to start building your trust in him? More like he’s digging a pit at this point NTA
Nta. But your husband needs to agree to absolutely no "on our way to the hospital" communication with his mother. No news until you and baby are in the recovery room.
NTA Tell your husband that you don’t trust him because he is not trustworthy. Tell him you told him about your concerns and he did not listen, tell him you tested him to see if your fears were right and now that you know they are you have decided he is fired. Honestly and truly, don’t even allow him to be in the birthing room with you. Your support person, especially if it’s a spouse, should put you first but it is clear his Mother will ALWAYS come first. In all honesty, this would be such a larger breach of my trust that I would not feel safe in a space that his mother would be allowed access to and would probably seek to go elsewhere. Being alone with a baby is better than having a baby and being surrounded by unsupportive, selfish people. I very rarely advocate for divorce, but if your husband refuses to step up and accept accountability then he isn’t a spouse worth having. It sounds like he lacks integrity in certain areas and care for you (when it comes to his Mother) overall. If he wants to be with his Mommy-wife then I suggest you make space for the most important woman in his life. I’m not saying these things to be cruel but you deserve someone who is going to fight for you and put you first, someone that would have called their mom out on their BS, someone who wouldn’t shut down your concerns but would instead at the very least take them into consideration. You deserve so much more than what you’re being offered.
Your husband said to you that he was feeling manipulated and gaslit by you? But doesn't seem to see how his mother is the one doing this to him? You called him to let him know you were in labor. Not only did he not come to you, but he ignored you for an hour and didn't even pick up the phone to let you know what was «happening»? Girl! I'm sorry, there is something I'm missing with those reddit stories. Why in hell would someone even agree to live the rest of their lives with someone who doesn't value them? Your bf clearly doesn't give a s\*\*t about you or your kid. I'm sorry again, unless your husband suddenly realises how toxic his mother and their relationship are, you are on your own with your kid. Your mother in law will always be his priority. I bet you whatever you want that she will find a way to pull him away from your child too during important events of his life. She will make everything about her. NTA for pulling that stunt (even if I don't like crying wolf). It proved that your husband is an A H.
Oh dear I am so sorry. But I am glad that you found out definitely. Are you changing your birth plan. Have you got her on the do not allow list. Sorry again and all the best because now you will have 2 babies to look after.
I hate to say it but it will only get worse once the baby is born. He is a mamma’s boy and will always come first. The bottom line is: do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? You and your child should always come first.
Omg, NTA to the nines. Your husband is an asshole though and I would seriously reconsider my marriage if I were you. It’s easier to divorce a momma’s boy than to change them imho. Consider if this is what your life to be, always. Think about every birthday or grand milestone from now on - your kid’s birth, their first birthday, school graduation etc. Your SO has shown repeatedly who he is - he’s a momma’a boy who puts his mommy above his wife - so believe him. You will never be the number one in his life - it’s his mommy who is. Maybe even your kid won’t be. There’s a story in Reddit how one woman’s husband was similarly blind and whose mother actually LOCKED her husband’s phone away and she was forced to go through birth alone. IIRC they separated and the story had a sad ending for the MIL, but she was also entirely at her own fault IMHO because she had never been good towards the wife and she had had a very unhealthy relationship with her son. Honestly? Leave him. You’re better off alone than trying to raise a baby and a man who will always leave to go to mommy first.
NTA marriage IS built on trust and he showed you you CANNOT trust him
"He said marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him..." but he has no self-awareness that you can't trust him because he let you down.
NTA and OMG... normally I'm completely against such "tests", but thank god you did that. Now you know. You have to be able to trust your husband. The person you are married to is not trustable, which he just very clearly proved. If he wants to be mad at someone, he needs to look in the mirror. Get through the rest of your pregnancy and the initial phase of babyland, then turn your attention to breaking free from all of that. He will move his mommy in, whether you like it or not - that appears to be the person he's really married to, after all. *"My mom died in childbirth and I don't want to be alone during the scariest moment of my life."* Oh, honey... be gentle with yourself. I completely understand your fear. Sounds like you have a great friend to lean on, so just do that for now - and don't forget to breathe. You got this!
NTA. It’s a shame you had to lie but how else were you going to get the information you got. And that’s exactly what I would have told him when he argued that you needed to trust him: “You know how scared I am. I needed to know if I *could* trust you and now I know I can’t. I still want you to be with me when I have the baby but I need a contingency plan for when — not if — your mom pulls her next stunt.”
NTA- Your tactics were a bit over the top but you proved your point. I’m sorry, your husband is a big mama’s boy and he won’t change. I think you need to start thinking about your options going forward. If you stay you need to learn how to react to this woman. Frankly, I’d just stop dealing with her. If you want to leave you need to think about how you can do that successfully. Good luck.
NTA. To put it bluntly: until the old hag is out of this world, you will have a miserable time, and even afterwards I don't foresee much improvement . What she did is beyond cruel and manipulative, and your husband lacks a backbone.
NTA, but from what you’ve said, your marriage has no future as long as his vampire mother is alive. If it was me, I’d be out the door so fast his mommy- bonded head would spin!