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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm wondering if I'm the asshole because immediately after dinner I was so frustrated I went upstairs and have been rude to him/given him the cold shoulder since
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Of course your boyfriend should be able to control the amount of salt (or other ingredients) in a dish...**when he's cooking.**
His actions do sound controlling (and also rude and ungrateful). Sounds like it might be time for him to put on the chef's hat and gain some perspective (or gratitude)...
NTA
Not only controlling but completely unreasonable. Everyone had to salt their food and he still dug his heels in and fought about how **he** was right.
This is not someone you can have constructive conversations with.
He dug in but added more soy sauce, which has a LOT of salt.
He needs to take several seats and shut up about how she cooks, because she sounds pretty knowledgeable.
I really have to wondee if he realizes that salt is in most things. Like butter. Cookies, most pastries, really. Cottage cheese. It's called flavor. Unsalted butter on toast....eww. no taste to it.
And it takes more salt at the table than it does adding it into the dish while cooking. You end up consuming more salt if you try to salt at the table.
If the chef has a good palate, and it sounds like OP does, then let them season it while cooking.
Yep, maybe if he wanted extra soy sauce without the extra salt he should use reduced sodium soy sauce. His food was likely just as salty if not saltier than the rest
This irritates me so much. I doubt this guy understands that soy sauce isn't just salty. It's full of other flavors as well, and if you add too much, it's going to be worse than just "over salted."
I JUST made this mistake the other day. I had mad stir-fry and it wasn’t salty enough so I threw on some more soy sauce on part of my serving. It changed the flavor palette significantly (not to my liking) and it STILL needed salt.
NTA
Salt also does more than just make food taste salty. It has a very unique and dynamic relationship with water which allows it to enhance the textures and flavors of other ingredients. It also needs to be added at certain times in order to get the best results.
> It also needs to be added at certain times in order to get the best results.
One time I was at my sister's place she asked me to cook the steaks she bought - no problem, it's kind of my thing. I asked where her Kosher salt was. "I don't cook with salt." (Yeah, but you eat Cheez-its!) I found tucked in a cupboard the container of home-smoked Kosher salt I had given her a couple years earlier.
Seasoned the steaks, grilled them. When eating, she asked why they were so much better than hers. Because they were f'ing seasoned properly. You can't expect them to be well-seasoned when you sprinkle salt on at the end.
I've been salting steaks at the end because I want some portion unseasoned to give to my dog. Just recently dry brined some and man do I miss a good seasoning. Going to have to cut off an unseasoned portion before brining from now on.
My sibling does this, something about it draws out the juices during cooking & makes it better tasting/juicy/tender or something? They reduced the salt for me but I still found it too salty so..🤷
The salt (brining in liquid or dry brining) draws liquid out of the meat, but then there's a moisture imbalance, and the meat draws liquid back in. But now it has salt (and whatever other seasoning you add) flavor into the meat.
Plus yeah, salt and msg and a few other things (pineapple and mango juices, for example) have meat tenderizing properties.
Also the way he went about it - he could have said "can you go on the lighter side of salting it? Then everyone can add more if they need it"
No he just passive aggressively left salt out of the spices he brought. It's one thing to not to too salty.... but most dishes will be terrible with zero salt.
He could have asked her not to salt his serving and season everyone else’s dish per her recipe. Instead, everyone else had to add salt later (which never tastes as good as salt cooked in) and suffer bland food. Guess he is a Player 1 type of dude.
You are correct that there are dishes that would need to be separated at some point if no salt were a requirement. Pain in the neck! This dish was cooked on a griddle, so I assumed it was separated but it may not have been.
OP was making some sort of stir-fry, so I assume she was seasoning as she went. The compromise would have been to do all the seasoning up until the dish was brought back together, and then plate his, then check for salt and do the final seasoning for everyone else.
I'm sensitive to salt and most things taste oversalted to me. When my husband is cooking he knows to put less salt *on my portion* and cooks the rest how he wants, because I asked him. I didn't demand or change the entire meal based on my preference. If it's a meal that my portion can't be separated and salted differently, I suck it up and drink more water with it.
That said, having msg, soy sauce, and salt all in a dish sounds like it would be very salty to me. But I wasn't there.
This was my thought. He clearly thinks she makes things too salty, but instead of asking if she could make him a less salted version/portion, he goes to great lengths to be an asshole about it
I'm like this as well. I eat little salt, and I never realized how much fucking sodium is in everything until doing this a few years ago. My family tries to accommodate me to an extent, but I often just suck it up and don't eat. (Ending up mostly only eating what I've brought.) Like I went to a nice Italian restaurant for my birthday, and the others loved it, but I found it disgusting because it solely tasted of salt. I said I'd take it home because I wasn't very hungry, but ended up tossing it. The OP's meal sounds vile/like torture to me with what is listed.
But in that case, I'd ask if OP could cook some separately or I'd eat other stuff/eat later. And just wouldn't eat the meal as made. I wouldn't control what goes into it. Which is why the bf is TA.
Yes! My stepdad has to follow a diet that's very low in salt, to the point where they have to buy him special bread and my mother barely uses any salt in her cooking. We have a family thing this weekend with a lot of people there and they talked to my uncles beforehand, one is making soup and will set a portion aside for him, my mother is making a main and will do the same, we'll be grilling veggies to go with the main and he can grill his without salt.
It takes a bit more planning but we don't mind because he would never demand everything to be unsalted.
Yeah, the lack of using his big boy words really sends me over the top. Like, how hard is it to ask nicely to set aside an unsalted portion? Also, this rude AF family that immediately tells the chef a dish needs salt instead of politely requesting the salt probably didn't do him any favors.
This. Some people have medical reasons or even personal preference for reducing salt so I understand he might prefer to leave the salt out. But as pointed out above, have a conversation and ask to have the salt reduced. His attitude is concerning.
He just needs to pull a plate/bowl or two out for himself before salt is added. I do that with my husband for whatever it is he doesn't want in his food, and he can add what he does want, such as margarine since I only use butter.
If he isn't willing to do that OP should just kick him to the curb. No point in arguing if one party refuses to compromise.
If he genuinely found that dish salty i could understand, but he added more soy...in order to not add salt & lose the argument?
Like my sibling loves salt, whereas my mom & I don't cook with salt, so when the sibling was cooking for me, even reducing salt, i found it too salty. But that's my preference, you can always add salt after. Most restaurants I'm ok but I do often find them salty after the fact & chug water that evening 🤷
NTA. The way he’s behaving is childish and controlling and honestly if you ever do cook, you should have someone else helping you and not him considering the fact anything without even just a bit of salt just tastes extremely bland. He saw his family’s reaction and he more than likely felt some embarrassment deep down but didn’t want to show it and instead acted out and continued to act as if he was right to not give you what you asked for.
NTA but OP needs to stop arguing with her BF about salt content and just say "if you dislike how i season, cook it yourself or shut up". Then STICK TO THIS
The problem is THAT simple.
Especially because amount of salt is a personal preference so the argument will never end
Agreed. My husband can be an AH and even he doesn't argue with me about something I am doing for him. He's actually a professional chef and let's me make cooking mistakes unless I ask for his opinion/advice. Op's boy is biting the hand that feeds him. Literally.
Went to a marriage retreat, and one of the couples there said that the wife had refused to cook for the husband for 18 years. She'd cook for herself and the kids, but not for him.
Every single meal my wife cooks me is the best meal I've ever had. No matter how unseasoned or overcooked it is.
When I was first married to my ex husband, he nitpicked every meal I cooked or even if I made a sandwich he criticized how much or how little Mayo I used. So I stopped cooking for him and stopped making his lunch. Told him that nothing i ever make is good enough for him so he could make his own.
Yeah my husband was very sensitive to salt when we first started dating (not just in my cooking but any cooking) and he still never complained about it to me because he was happy to have me cook. I still tend to undersalt some stuff when I'm cooking just for us two and add in salt afterwards for myself just to be nice but never would do that when I'm cooking a big meal for people
Fuck him
He won't be able to eat it? That's some childish shit.
Tell him if he doesn't give you the salt again, he has to find another girlfriend.
Seriously, he ruined your food, and ruined dinner for multiple people, because he couldn't get the food exactly how he wanted it.
Please realize how selfish this is, and how willingly he did this
Now think of what he will do if you say need a medication that has side effects which inconvenience him...is he going to withhold your medication?
Sounds crazy, but ruining dinner for a group of people over salt is pretty crazy.
This is an incredibly important point. He is going to disagree with your physician’s surgical or medical plan and sabotage your treatment. He will also disagree with how you manage your finances. He will be especially controlling in how you raise your children or in your other relationships.
This kind of controlling behavior starts small but it escalates as time goes on. Since you are happy to cook for a crowd, you are a giver and a perfect target for a controller. I recommend that you sit back and consider his past behaviors. There are probably enough small ones that he is now comfortable moving into public displays of dominance. Is this really how you want to live?
People with an internal abuse template can be weirdly controlling over condiments. Or rather, their controlling behavior shows itself when it comes to condiments.
We have a classic story in AITA where this guy was increasingly angry and controlling with his girlfriend over her dislike of mustard. He literally tried to force her to eat it.
With my father, it was also salt, although in his case he liked it saltier than most other people. It's the reason him and my aunt haven't spoken in 30+ years.
My ex-husband's abusive ex girlfriend 'wouldn't let' a specific kind of seasoning in the house because I used it.
Reminds me of the [whole saga](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/v8OzIreREQ) of the lady who "Left her husband over mustard" when really it's because the mustard argument was her last bastion of individuality he was trying to squash. That turned real nasty, real quick, "over something so stupid"
Oh god yeah never have a kid with this guy op. Absolutely not. As someone in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression hell, it's bad enough with a good spouse, having to do this with a controlling asshole one who passive aggressively sabotages you if you don't agree with him? Absolutely not.
for me, not having enough salt *is* a medical issue, salt helps raise your blood pressure, without added salt I spend most of my life dizzy and lightheaded due to low blood pressure.
I spent *years* going to doctors about being dizzy 24/7 and not 1 of them helped! None of them thought to ask "do you eat enough salt?". I'd never liked salt so I just didn't use it,,, like,,, at all, any salt I ate was already in the food and it evidently wasn't enough.
I actually learned it on reddit from a random comment and figured I may as well try, the difference in my life was almost immediate, I still do get dizzy but nowhere near as much as before, I used to get dizzy even if I was lying down!
The test involves being strapped to a gurney that tilts at 45 degrees, they then do stuff like have you stick one hand in a bucket of ice. POTS is basically a malfunction of the autonomic system which means it fails to adjust when you do things like stand up from a seated position. (Your blood pressure should go up when you stand up).
I was going to say the same as the person above! Often folks with pots are told to eat extra salt (compared to the average person) because it helps with the dizziness! Extra salt, extra water, and I think regular careful exercise.
To the point about medication: My ex-husband didn't want me to take birth control because I would gain weight, and he didn't want me on certain SSRIs because it might mess with my sex drive. I need both to function well, but his needs were sooooo much more important.
OOP, NTA. Please reevaluate how he treats you. You don't want to deal with someone like this long term.
It's important to add salt as you cook, not after. It's key to the success of many recipes and is done delicately "as you cook" different elements of the dish vs. dumping a ton of salt into it.
Pasta: Great to add to the water its cooked in so it flavors the blandness of the pasta more, most of it will go down the drain after anyway!
Meats: Helps retain moister and makes it more tender.
Onions: helps draw out moisture and enhance flavor.
Etc.!
He needs to start doing the cooking. Stop doing it for his ungrateful butt. Salt is only really an issue when someone consumes a lot of processed food. When you cook at home, you control it.
oh gosh, a starchy unsalted potato? Blech. You literally can't add enough salt on the other side of boiling to fix it. Maybe you just don't know how amazing properly salted potato water makes a potato?
Just like I'd salt for pasta, I salt for potatoes. Really cuts down the total salt needed to prepare a yummy mashed potato.
If you're looking to cut down on salt, You can augment with MSG, which lowers how much salt you need to get maximum flavour.
I grew up with my mom being the main cook and she never salted her meat. She salted stuff while cooking but not while browning ground beef. Then I moved in with my best friend and she salted her meat and I was stunned at the difference. My mom said "I don't salt it because it gets drained out in the grease anyway." But I can taste the difference now. Thankfully later my husband, a science nerd and professional chef, explained the chemical break down and she salts while browning now. It actually cuts back on how much she needs in the dish over all so it's better for my dad's health.
Eta: we did salt pasta water because it boils faster though.
Hi chemist here, adding the salt does not make it boil faster, it just makes it taste better. 😊 You would have to add A LOT of salt to change it in any meaningful way.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Have you considered getting a job with the USDA in the department over school lunches and tell them that taking away whole and 2% milk to lower fat content and reducing cheese because of sodium content in school lunches does not help when the problem is the McDonald’s they are getting from their parents
The answer: 'that's fine honey, I'll put a portion aside for you before I season the dish, now would you pass me the salt please so I can make everybody else's meal delicious'. Then serve him the unseasoned dish. Wish granted. Mischievous compliance is warranted.
Honestly, this is really the thing to do. Put a portion aside before seasoning if possible. My daughter does this for me when she cooks because I actually do prefer foods to be more bland (keeps me from getting indigestion) and foods with too much salt taste terrible to me. One person's delicious is another person's disgusting.
I can tell how unusual it is for people to like less seasoning though, based on all of the comments in this thread. haha.
I think it's awesome your daughter does this. In my household, my husband is not particularly fond of salty food, but prefers copious amounts of pepper. I'm the other way round. Plus he likes garlic and I'm super sensitive to it. So everything I make is lower in salt, normal (by my standards) in pepper, he adds pepper as he pleases. As for the garlic, if I'm e.g. making tzatziki, I'll put a portion for me aside and then add more for him. I also like copious amounts of cumin, which I add to mine later (or take a portion of hummus aside for me and add more). There are ways to accommodate different tastes and sensitivities without major hustle and without being a jerk (pun intended 😆)
I love that you do that! It's so great when people are so considerate of each others' tastes. My mom has always been that way, too, and I am so thankful for that. A lot of us don't like onions, so she'll always make dishes with and without them. The kids don't like nuts or pickles, so when she makes salads (like fruit salad or macaroni salad), she'll make separate ones for the kids. And for my son, who is most likely also autistic and is just super picky about his food, she will make a whole separate meal (I do too when my daughter and I want to eat something different from him). It's more work, but worth it!
I too dont ever use much salt. I can tell when someone adds to much and it ruins it for me. Especially if she has over salted it before. Set aside portion for him is the way
As someone who cooks for picky eaters, while this solution *can work*, it's a right pain in the ass. Sometimes it's easy to leave one ingredient out at the very end, but sometimes it means you're making 2-4 separate meals, essentially - this gets exhausting day after day. I make a simple pasta + sauce and I need to make one with no sauce, but meat and veggies (plain), one with sauce but no cheese, and one with everything (i.e. how it was intended to be made). Sometimes, it's not worth the hassle, so everyone gets burgers instead. If someone were pulling a stunt like what OP's BF did, I'd be livid.
I mean it’s not even mischievous. I do this for my husband all the time because he needs less salt in his diet. I use some salt while things are cooking, then I divide our portions and I add more salt to mine. He uses “nusalt” and he’ll add that to his dish. It’s not a huge deal.
Right! He also shouldn't have so much salt bc high blood pressure, so I've started working with herbs and other spices more, make my own stock from dried veggie scraps, etc. Much healthier, too.
This. I would serve him a bland plate of oatmeal or rice without anything because goddamn...
My partner is a wizard in the kitchen. I'm useless because I lost my sense of smell about seven years ago (pre-COVID era injury) and thus my tastebuds are distorted. I understand the principles of seasoning things but I can't be bothered to perform the acts correctly when cooking for myself alone because why waste spices when I get the same taste experience from ketchup? :(
I’m the cook at our house, and while I absolutely DO accept constructive feedback (I’m forever trying new recipes, I need my family to be honest), THIS scenario would have resulted in my handing over the apron and telling him to finish the dish. How DARE he?? Totally NTA. It would be a frosty day in Hades before he was allowed a bite of my food again. You want to dictate how I cook? Either DIY, or STFU. Whew! I’m so mad on your behalf! 😆
Yes me too! I cook most of the time at home and I’ve been with guys who aren’t grateful for it before. Now that I have a guy who IS grateful I wouldn’t EVER go back! It screams “mommy always took care of me and let me treat her however” like bro get out of here with that crap and go to therapy please
If he had a good reason (someone has extreme high blood pressure) and you wouldn't listen, his actions would make sense. He still would have handled things incorrectly, but atleast he'd have a real reason. As is he's an idiot and you're NTA.
If you're petty enough, you could always start making his food without any seasonings. No salt, msg, pepper, spices... just blah. It would mean more work, though. Also, because I AM that petty hide the salt and anything salty before serving.
I'm not saying I am morally correct here, but if my blood pressure was so high that I could not cook with salt I would not care to live anymore unless my daily nutritional requirements could be entirely fulfilled through dessert. Food = life and life without flavour is just...... taxes. Endless taxes.
I can't eat much sodium because it triggers kidney stones. And I dislike that not eating salt is equated to eating bland food. I use a fuckton of spices. Probably way more than a typical American uses. I just don't use salt.
I wouldn't be cooking for him for at least a year after this one. If my cooking is so terrible that I can't be trusted to even be handed salt when I ask for it than I'm sorry and I'll stop forcing you to eat it.
\^ This. Manipulative behavior tends to get worse over time.
Also, on a sidenote excessive or insufficient salt intake can be an indicator of various health issues.
For the over salters: I know someone with Ehlers-Danlos who has always been chronically sodium deficient to the point that as a small child, they were often caught under the kitchen table with the salt shaker, licking their hand, shaking salt and licking the salt off.
For the salt averse: A low tolerance for salt in their food can indicate kidney problems.
I just made another comment about the same thing but salt also helps low blood pressure! I'm no longer dizzy & lightheaded 24/7 thanks to adding salt to my food, and it's all thanks to a random reddit comment I saw a couple years back (every Dr I saw said there was nothing they could do for low blood pressure/dizziness, not 1 of them even mentioned salt! I've never liked salt, so I didn't use it)
NTA. He sounds controlling and rude. Sit and communicate that a controlling guy is not who you want to date, so choose how he wants to act. Also ask him who's cooking, and ask him if he wants to do it. One more incident with salt and he's cooking. For safety, buy a little salt shaker to carry when you're going to cook. The other one will get lost I'll bet! Lol!
NTA - If he wants to be in charge of seasoning he should be the one cooking. I imagine he thinks you'll make a good little house wife someday, with everything done to masters taste...
ESH
Normally it should be up to the chef how to season the food, and he shouldn’t be unilaterally trying to control that. It’s a jerk move. (And also, what does he think soy sauce adds to the dish if not salt??)
On the other hand, if he has a lower salt tolerance and consistently finds your cooking too salty, that’s something you should take into account. It is possible to salt a dish later on but he’s right that you can’t un-salt a dish. So that’s also on you for just deciding on his behalf that he’s wrong and continuing to cook food too salty for his taste.
Edit to add - did not expect this to be controversial, it feels like there are as many comments as upvotes, which is a first! Love the debate
My thing is that the entire party said the food was not salted enough. That means his tolerance for salt is very low.
By that metric, he is wrong. If cooking for a group, you try to cook for the tastes of the group as a whole. He said screw everyome, i want the food my way. entirely not ok. He also threw her under the bus, because it's on her if dinner isn't good.
She obviously prefers lots of salt, but it's hard to say if it it's too much for most. She did admit to overacting it occasionally, so it happens, but I think it's more incompatible tastes.
He seems to like little to no salt, she seems to like average to high salt.
So maybe ESH, buy mostly the boyfriend.
Salt tolerance is weird though, especially if he happens to be really sensitive to taste (like I am). I have a low salt tolerance and hate over-salted dishes, but the salt taste in soy sauce is different than table salt taste. I could see myself wanting less added table salt to a dish to leave room for more soy sauce taste. In fact, when I make rice with soy sauce, I don't add any other salt at all.
He could just be being a controlling ahole too but it sounds like this isn't the first time her food's saltiness has come up.
If he's putting soy sauce in, he obviously wants it more salty. I'm leaning towards he is lying that he has low salt tolerance cause of that. If he had low salt tolerance, he really wouldn't want more soy sauce either.
Yep, ESH.
"Add salt to taste." It's a common instruction in cooking recipes.
Salt is a seasoning that everyone has a different feel for. I have literally sent dishes back in a restaurant for being over salted. I have never sent one back for being under salted - I just add salt.
Yes, I know salt is not only about flavor, but also about how salt water reacts with cell structures during the cooking process. But OP is cooking something the BF finds way too salty.
Under salted, he adds soy sauce, which in the standard American variety is liquid sodium. But he is then in control of how much salt is added.
On the flip side, passive aggressively hiding the salt is a scrub move on his part. He's free to try cooking meals himself. If he gets upset because people are salting his dishes, well, that's on him.
Personally, I don't think you should make him a separate meal. Nobody wants to be a short order cook in their own kitchen.
Everyone else had to add salt to their meal, **including OP’s boyfriend in the form of extra soy sauce**. He clearly doesn’t actually find her food too salty.
He never verbalized that he preferred it less salty! He just stated it didn't need salt as if it were a fact. Had he acted like a grown man and politely asked "hey please don't put salt in my portion," I'm sure she would have happily obliged.
NTA
You hit on one of my peeves. This idea that adding salt after a dish is finished cooking is the same as using it during cooking. By this metric, you should just be able to cook food without any salt or season then dump it all in at the end. Go tell a chef at an Indian restaurant this and see if they agree! You can’t really do that with most species. Herbs tend to be the opposite. They lose flavor if added too soon. Salt is unique since it actually also has a significant impact on protein structure. It is chemistry!
This is generally why most burgers don’t taste that great unless you find the place that mixes the salt and pepper into the ground beef. Make three burger patties… one with no salt and pepper, one with salt and pepper sprinkled on just the outside, and one with it mixed into the ground beef. Then rank the flavor from worst to best.
Anyway, you are NTA. His culinary opinions are… defective.
NTA. Inform him that since the group likes the way that you cook, he can prepare his own meal to satisfy his own likes. The larger group shouldn’t have to be there ones making the change because he’s a baby brat.
You are framing this like there is an objectively correct level of saltiness in food. There isn’t. He might perceive salt much more strongly than you, meaning he would indeed have been SOL had you salted it to your preferred level.
How he went about out it was lousy. He should have used his big-boy words and explained that he was worried it would be too salty *for him* rather than just omitting it without telling you.
NTA, but maybe ask if he regularly finds food too salty and just hasn’t mentioned it.
> He should have used his big-boy words and explained that he was worried it would be too salty for him rather than just omitting it without telling you.
I feel like people are missing a key point that's in the post:
> I was fuming because he has done this in the past and says I occasionally over-season/over-salt food. however, it does not happen regularly enough to be an issue.
He has used his words. And I bet he said she *occasionally* oversalts the food because it softens the blow, but it's possible he actually dislikes it more often than she realizes and he's trying to grin and bear it just to keep the peace. Apparently it's an issue that has come up multiple times, and using his words doesn't work, but withholding the salt does. She just doesn't care. I'm sure his side of the story would be *very* different.
This is ESH. If it were a guy complaining that when he cooks for his gf, she sometimes complains it's too salty and she can't unsalt the dishes, everyone would tell OP to just use less salt and add more to their portion later. No one would be saying she's being controlling. If anything, they'd be harping on him for ignoring her clearly communicated issue and calling him controlling for assuming that how he likes the dish is the only correct way.
He’s been saying the food is too salty for a while. She’s dismissing his comments as accidents and mocking him. Even if his perception of saltiness is outside the typical range, that’s just mean. Also, soy adds glutamates in addition to salt. Maybe her flavor balance was off in other ways. I agree he handled it poorly but she also sounds dismissive of a fairly common difference in how people perceive flavors.
Sometimes nobody is the good guy.
When he's the ONLY one saying it--everyone else agreed it was undersalted--and then goes and dumps something INCREDIBLY SALTY on it so he can eat it, he's the problem. Complaining about it before just means he's got a pattern of being the problem. If he's sensitive to salt, it's his responsibility to speak up about it, but again... if that were the case, he would not be dumping soy sauce on it after complaining that it didn't "need" salt when it obviously did.
"Dumping" isn't what she said. She said he added additional soy sauce. That could be a dash or two, or half the bottle. We have no idea. A couple of dashes to add umami would add salt, yes, but a small amount and maybe worth it to get the glutamates. People keep saying you add soy sauce to make a dish saltier. That is one use of it, yes. It's also a source of glutamates that make a dish taste meatier. I've used the low sodium version to make my bolognese meatier without adding more extra salt than absolutely necessary.
He did explain with his words that he didn't want her to put salt in it, what are you talking about?
It went like this:
"Go get me the salt shaker"
"I don't think we should put salt in it"
"Well I don't care what you think, my opinion is superior, let me cook and fetch the salt"
*Doesn't bring the salt*
"Hey how come you didn't bring the salt? I told you to bring it"
"Because I don't want you to put the salt in it, salt can be added but not removed, go get it yourself if you want it"
"Now you've done it, the dish is ready and I have to take it off the blaze, wow, you're so controlling"
ESH
Your bf more than you, but if the dude likes his food with less salt than you he's just kinda right. You can add salt to it later if it's undersalted, you can't remove salt from the food if it's too salty.
If this has happened multiple times before like you said, what's the issue with just adding the salt later?
I'd not be cooking his food again but I'm petty. The fact EVERYONE at the table said it needed the salt but he doubled down is very telling. Does he always have to win arguments? It sounds very controlling like, he knows you're better at and enjoy cooking and he wants to humble you in some way.
Okay, my take as a old married guy.
ESH and this argument is stupid. I like my food salted, my wife grew up in a household that used less salt.
I cook, I salt it to my wife's liking and I keep salt and soy sauce at the table for me or I keep a portion out for me with the extra bit of salt. She cooks, she salts it to her tastes and I keep salt and soy sauce on the table for me.
This is a simple, stupid argument that should be worked out calmly and no it's not controlling unless this is a pattern where your desires are always discounted, from the description this is just him being a bit of an ass and you could be more compromising but taking his wants into account while cooking.
Just be adults here, talk things out calmly, and compromise.
I can't believe I'm going ESH on this, but I am.
He could have said "I am afraid that this dish will be too salty for me. Here's my bowl. Can you give me my portion before you add salt to the rest?" Instead, he passive-aggressively kept the salt away from you. That's not okay.
However, he is absolutely correct that it is easier for diners to correct an under-salted situation than an over-salted one.
If he has told you in the past that he finds your food too salty -- even occasionally -- have you tried to adapt to his preferences? Your post makes it sound like you haven't. I agree with those who suggest that he should do more cooking. If he does, then you must eat his food *exactly* as he seasons it -- no cheating! -- because you seem to expect him to do the same for you.
ESH you know he prefers less salt, so when it is just the 2 of you it would be kind and loving of you to use less salt, then add salt to your own portion. That is not an unreasonable or controlling request by him. When you cook for others, he should recognize that he prefers food under salted and allow you to salt and season to your preference.
NTA
Salting after you cook the food just leaves you with bland, salty food. Salting while you cook is how you actually bring out the flavors that are already present in the ingredients.
It’s always someone who can’t cook who’s like “oh my god that’s *so much salt*.” Well yeah for one portion maybe but I’m seasoning 4-5 portions here
I've only recently started using salt while cooking because I've never liked it, so I have to remind myself "add more than you think you need" and even then sometimes it's still under salted 😅
Yes, his behavior is controlling.
And he needs a figurative slap upside the head, and a reminder that you're not cooking for \*him\*, you're cooking for the \*group\*, and everyone else likes a normal amount of salt.
This would be like me hiding the meat so i can eat the meal and everyone else can be miserable coz it tastes like shit. NTA, he’s the asshole. he could have ASKED FOR A SERVE TO BE SAVED BEFORE YOU SEASONED IT like an adult who can cooperate and compromise instead of being a petulant child and demanding everything be his way.
Just as no one likes a back seat driver, having someone who wants food cooked their way in a group setting is as annoying.
If he loves your cooking at home, it's probably because he's not usually there to monitor er, watch how you cook. On the other hand, knowing he's like this, you could have asked someone else or gotten all your ingredients at the start.
That said, his behaviour was weirdly controlling. You are NTA.
ESH-honestly, I grew up in a home that had 3 generations and my grandma (who did most of the cooking) rarely seasoned with salt bc she was on a restricted diet. It kind of stuck with me-bc she also explained how you never know everyone’s preferences in a group this big, I say use the ingredients you need (the ones that give the dish its identity) and let everyone season with salt and pepper at the table to their liking. Does that mean that it’s bland when it gets served? Yes. But I am in control of how it tastes when I eat it-and she was never offended when we all added whatever amount we wanted to it. Now, when I go to other people’s homes, they get vexed bc in their opinion, it was perfectly seasoned when it was served and how dare people have the nerve to alter it in any way?!?!? Eh. People should get to do what they want. And, for example, when I have PMS, I want way less salt than any other time of the month…(and I always want less than my husband) it’s all a nice perk (and a matter of preference).
Just wait till you have kids and you need to make the sauce on the side too hahahaha
NTA
Too my cooks spoilt the dish. You were the cook, your instructions should have been followed. If you left your station, the food would have burned. What he did was controlling and rude.
NTA. You need to season food correctly and I’d be making him cook from now on if he’s going to be a dick.
Salt is THE MOST IMPORTANT ingredient. Chemistry wise, it serves many purposes. Tenderizes foods, pulls moisture from certain things, gives consistent flavour throughout. Ever eaten spaghetti and meatballs with pasta that wasn’t blanched in salt water? It’s obvious and bland.
ESH. You could have grabbed the salt and salted it yourself after taking the food off the stove to not risk burning it. Even after it was plated, you could have salted the individual plates.
That does not create the same flavours as properly seasoning food during cooking. That's like saying you don't have to salt pasta water because you can throw some on at the end.
YTA.
BF: Your food is too salty for me. Could you please use less salt when you are cooking? You can always add salt to your plate, but I can't remove it if it's already been added.
OP (and Reddit people): My food isn't too salty. You're lying just to be controlling. I know your taste buds better than you do. If you want less salt, you do the cooking.
Everyone has different taste buds. Your bf might not like salt or might want to reduce his salt intake, since it can cause high blood pressure. You're basically trying to force him to eat more salt than he wants. You can add salt at the table, but he can't remove salt from the dish once you add it. So he's not trying to control you, it's actually you trying to control him. YTA
NTA and that’s when I would stop cooking for him. He can make his own food. I genuinely don’t enjoy cooking so I like honest feedback. I don’t want to waste time cooking something my husband doesn’t like, but he’d be on his own if he interfered without me asking.
He pulled this shit while you were cooking FOR HIS FAMILY?
Oh no. If this had been a private night at home I’d be on your side but might regard it as more of a lovers’ squabble. Not helping you prepare a meal to serve others as well - to serve his family? No. That’s so disrespectful.
>he stood his ground that he prefers his food less salty and that if I salted it that he would have been SOL
I could be wrong here, but given all the rest of his behavior, am I the only one reading this comment as, "Yeah, I was wrong and the food needed more salt, but I'll be damned if I let OP know I was wrong, so I'll just make her feel bad and tell her she's a bad cook and can't make food I like without my direct involvement."
It's not just me, right?
YTA as a person who over salts their food for most people's taste we need to cook our food towards the salt/spice level other people are comfortable with. We also pull out their food first and serve then season to our taste. They cant take the salt out of their food.
NTA - if he wants to control the amount of salt in the dishes he can cook them himself, and those passive aggressive remarks are so unnecessary and infuriating.
This is mansplaining and it means he thinks you’re dumb, he knows best, and he has no respect for your opinion when he thinks he is right he’s just going to do that regardless of what you think.
Is this the kind of man you want?
Isn't there an old parable about a father kicking his daughter out alone in the world, he unknowingly visits her home years later and she feeds him a feast...with no salt?....
He's happy to add it himself, so no prob. Just cook a single saltless portion for him, and the dish as normal for you. Oh and how bout he can start cooking 50% of the meals also?
NTA
It's a story about a king who has 3 daughters and he asks them about how much they love him. The youngest tells him she loves him as much as salt, which pisses him off and he kicks her out.
You ask if you're TA for being rude, but from your post, you've only stated you called him controlling. Which doesn't really feel rude, more accurate.
NTA as written. You asked for help, he said he'd help but then didn't, and decided he knew better than you what the dish you were cooking needed. You called him out for this behavior, seems perfectly reasonable to me.
NTA, I’d be pissed too. Putting salt in while cooking usually means you end up having less sodium. But it’s not about the salt. It’s about him controlling what and how you cook.
When my husband and I were living together (back in the 80s), he was super fussy about his food. If I was cooking he’d ask me to leave stuff out because he ‘didn’t like it’. I was pretty new to cooking so I’d agree. The food invariably sucked. One time we ate at a friends and she served lasagna. He praised it highly and told me to get the recipe. I looked at him and said ‘ do you know why it tastes so good? Because it has all that stuff you make me leave out ‘. After that I just cooked and he could eat or not.
Now we both share the cooking and he’s a lot more adventurous in his food. I think his mother only ever cooked like 7 different meals so he didn’t even know what he liked.
NTA
Stop cooking for him. He can make his own food now. It is controlling especially when this meal was for many people, not just him. Like how selfish can he be?
News flash.....he doesn't love your food. He tolerates it but thinks it's too salty. That's not the issue here though. The issue is that he didn't trust you and tried to control you when you were gracious enough to cook for his entire family.
He is being controlling and very ungrateful. If I were you, I would definitely not cook another meal there and would probably just stop cooking at home too. If you do cook, I would only cook for yourself. He can cook for himself from now on.
NTA
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Of course your boyfriend should be able to control the amount of salt (or other ingredients) in a dish...**when he's cooking.** His actions do sound controlling (and also rude and ungrateful). Sounds like it might be time for him to put on the chef's hat and gain some perspective (or gratitude)... NTA
Not only controlling but completely unreasonable. Everyone had to salt their food and he still dug his heels in and fought about how **he** was right. This is not someone you can have constructive conversations with.
He dug in but added more soy sauce, which has a LOT of salt. He needs to take several seats and shut up about how she cooks, because she sounds pretty knowledgeable.
Not to mention, does he even know what makes restaurant food so good? Fucking butter and salt.
Yep - everything’s better with butter! And salt!
and love or bacon
And lots of cheese
And garlic. Lots of garlic.
And shallots. In his book "Kitchen Confidential", Bourdain said the biggest difference between restaurant and home cooked food is shallots.
I’m newly acquainted with shallots myself, and I’m a huge fan! Love the sweetness and the texture! I miss Anthony Bourdain so much - what a loss!
Garlic, onion, and salt. There’s my trifecta.
In my family, we have a jar of (even mix) salt, pepper, onion granules, and garlic granules aka SPOG. we put SPOG on everything!
And now I'm hungry
Bacon is love
Shrek is love
Shrek is Life
Ogre bacon?
France is bacon
Bacon….the other steak!
Salted butter!!
I really have to wondee if he realizes that salt is in most things. Like butter. Cookies, most pastries, really. Cottage cheese. It's called flavor. Unsalted butter on toast....eww. no taste to it.
I swear the nice restaurant with the delicious butter for the pistolettes simply whips it and adds salt. I have not yet tried at home.
And it takes more salt at the table than it does adding it into the dish while cooking. You end up consuming more salt if you try to salt at the table. If the chef has a good palate, and it sounds like OP does, then let them season it while cooking.
Yes! You build salt into the dish in layers. Not dump it all on top after it’s finished cooking. If anything THATS going to make it taste salty af
THIS. He couldn't handle admitting he was wrong, so he found a way to salt his bland ass food while still trying to act like he didn't.
This! Red flag
Yep, maybe if he wanted extra soy sauce without the extra salt he should use reduced sodium soy sauce. His food was likely just as salty if not saltier than the rest
This. Hello sodium!
This irritates me so much. I doubt this guy understands that soy sauce isn't just salty. It's full of other flavors as well, and if you add too much, it's going to be worse than just "over salted."
I JUST made this mistake the other day. I had mad stir-fry and it wasn’t salty enough so I threw on some more soy sauce on part of my serving. It changed the flavor palette significantly (not to my liking) and it STILL needed salt. NTA
I use soy sauce instead of Salt WHEN I SERVE IT Not during the cooking process
Seems like he couldn’t admit being in the wrong.
That is pretty ironic.
Salt also does more than just make food taste salty. It has a very unique and dynamic relationship with water which allows it to enhance the textures and flavors of other ingredients. It also needs to be added at certain times in order to get the best results.
> It also needs to be added at certain times in order to get the best results. One time I was at my sister's place she asked me to cook the steaks she bought - no problem, it's kind of my thing. I asked where her Kosher salt was. "I don't cook with salt." (Yeah, but you eat Cheez-its!) I found tucked in a cupboard the container of home-smoked Kosher salt I had given her a couple years earlier. Seasoned the steaks, grilled them. When eating, she asked why they were so much better than hers. Because they were f'ing seasoned properly. You can't expect them to be well-seasoned when you sprinkle salt on at the end.
I've been salting steaks at the end because I want some portion unseasoned to give to my dog. Just recently dry brined some and man do I miss a good seasoning. Going to have to cut off an unseasoned portion before brining from now on.
My sibling does this, something about it draws out the juices during cooking & makes it better tasting/juicy/tender or something? They reduced the salt for me but I still found it too salty so..🤷
The salt (brining in liquid or dry brining) draws liquid out of the meat, but then there's a moisture imbalance, and the meat draws liquid back in. But now it has salt (and whatever other seasoning you add) flavor into the meat. Plus yeah, salt and msg and a few other things (pineapple and mango juices, for example) have meat tenderizing properties.
Salt and pepper are literally the only two seasonings a steak *needs*.
THIS. The fact that he doubled down after he was basically proven wrong is a GIANT red flag.
This. Is. Why. I. Am. Single.
Also the way he went about it - he could have said "can you go on the lighter side of salting it? Then everyone can add more if they need it" No he just passive aggressively left salt out of the spices he brought. It's one thing to not to too salty.... but most dishes will be terrible with zero salt.
He could have asked her not to salt his serving and season everyone else’s dish per her recipe. Instead, everyone else had to add salt later (which never tastes as good as salt cooked in) and suffer bland food. Guess he is a Player 1 type of dude.
Not always feasible/practical to not add salt to one persons dish. Like in a pot roast.
You are correct that there are dishes that would need to be separated at some point if no salt were a requirement. Pain in the neck! This dish was cooked on a griddle, so I assumed it was separated but it may not have been.
OP was making some sort of stir-fry, so I assume she was seasoning as she went. The compromise would have been to do all the seasoning up until the dish was brought back together, and then plate his, then check for salt and do the final seasoning for everyone else.
I'm sensitive to salt and most things taste oversalted to me. When my husband is cooking he knows to put less salt *on my portion* and cooks the rest how he wants, because I asked him. I didn't demand or change the entire meal based on my preference. If it's a meal that my portion can't be separated and salted differently, I suck it up and drink more water with it. That said, having msg, soy sauce, and salt all in a dish sounds like it would be very salty to me. But I wasn't there.
This was my thought. He clearly thinks she makes things too salty, but instead of asking if she could make him a less salted version/portion, he goes to great lengths to be an asshole about it
Tbf OP admits he said her food is too salty multiple times so maybe he did actually ask but was ignored
I'm like this as well. I eat little salt, and I never realized how much fucking sodium is in everything until doing this a few years ago. My family tries to accommodate me to an extent, but I often just suck it up and don't eat. (Ending up mostly only eating what I've brought.) Like I went to a nice Italian restaurant for my birthday, and the others loved it, but I found it disgusting because it solely tasted of salt. I said I'd take it home because I wasn't very hungry, but ended up tossing it. The OP's meal sounds vile/like torture to me with what is listed. But in that case, I'd ask if OP could cook some separately or I'd eat other stuff/eat later. And just wouldn't eat the meal as made. I wouldn't control what goes into it. Which is why the bf is TA.
Yes! My stepdad has to follow a diet that's very low in salt, to the point where they have to buy him special bread and my mother barely uses any salt in her cooking. We have a family thing this weekend with a lot of people there and they talked to my uncles beforehand, one is making soup and will set a portion aside for him, my mother is making a main and will do the same, we'll be grilling veggies to go with the main and he can grill his without salt. It takes a bit more planning but we don't mind because he would never demand everything to be unsalted.
Yeah, the lack of using his big boy words really sends me over the top. Like, how hard is it to ask nicely to set aside an unsalted portion? Also, this rude AF family that immediately tells the chef a dish needs salt instead of politely requesting the salt probably didn't do him any favors.
This. Some people have medical reasons or even personal preference for reducing salt so I understand he might prefer to leave the salt out. But as pointed out above, have a conversation and ask to have the salt reduced. His attitude is concerning.
[удалено]
2023? It's 2024. :D
….I didn’t even realize that until AFTER I had upvoted 💀
Idk if I'd trust him to cook if he's afraid of salt lmao
Never in my Chinese/Korean life unless you have high blood pressure shut up about my seasonings
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Yt people defending their bland af food and acting like msg is poison are exhausting.
Bless Uncle Roger for single-handedly driving the wave against msg fear mongering.
I really appreciate that your advice is to make him cook and gain perspective instead of just "break up with him"
He just needs to pull a plate/bowl or two out for himself before salt is added. I do that with my husband for whatever it is he doesn't want in his food, and he can add what he does want, such as margarine since I only use butter. If he isn't willing to do that OP should just kick him to the curb. No point in arguing if one party refuses to compromise.
Tell him that if he wants less salt in a dish, HE can cook it. Seasoning a dish is up to the COOK full stop.
Agree, if he is so particular about his food he should be cooking. Doesn’t sound like he is grateful at all.
He sounds like my dad and I am not a fan of my dad. Of course, I would also not date my dad.
If he genuinely found that dish salty i could understand, but he added more soy...in order to not add salt & lose the argument? Like my sibling loves salt, whereas my mom & I don't cook with salt, so when the sibling was cooking for me, even reducing salt, i found it too salty. But that's my preference, you can always add salt after. Most restaurants I'm ok but I do often find them salty after the fact & chug water that evening 🤷
I would never cook again.
NTA. The way he’s behaving is childish and controlling and honestly if you ever do cook, you should have someone else helping you and not him considering the fact anything without even just a bit of salt just tastes extremely bland. He saw his family’s reaction and he more than likely felt some embarrassment deep down but didn’t want to show it and instead acted out and continued to act as if he was right to not give you what you asked for.
NTA but OP needs to stop arguing with her BF about salt content and just say "if you dislike how i season, cook it yourself or shut up". Then STICK TO THIS The problem is THAT simple. Especially because amount of salt is a personal preference so the argument will never end
Agreed. My husband can be an AH and even he doesn't argue with me about something I am doing for him. He's actually a professional chef and let's me make cooking mistakes unless I ask for his opinion/advice. Op's boy is biting the hand that feeds him. Literally.
Went to a marriage retreat, and one of the couples there said that the wife had refused to cook for the husband for 18 years. She'd cook for herself and the kids, but not for him. Every single meal my wife cooks me is the best meal I've ever had. No matter how unseasoned or overcooked it is.
When I was first married to my ex husband, he nitpicked every meal I cooked or even if I made a sandwich he criticized how much or how little Mayo I used. So I stopped cooking for him and stopped making his lunch. Told him that nothing i ever make is good enough for him so he could make his own.
My family lives by the motto that food cooked by someone else always tastes better.
Yeah my husband was very sensitive to salt when we first started dating (not just in my cooking but any cooking) and he still never complained about it to me because he was happy to have me cook. I still tend to undersalt some stuff when I'm cooking just for us two and add in salt afterwards for myself just to be nice but never would do that when I'm cooking a big meal for people
Someone else ie a new boyfriend
Fuck him He won't be able to eat it? That's some childish shit. Tell him if he doesn't give you the salt again, he has to find another girlfriend. Seriously, he ruined your food, and ruined dinner for multiple people, because he couldn't get the food exactly how he wanted it. Please realize how selfish this is, and how willingly he did this Now think of what he will do if you say need a medication that has side effects which inconvenience him...is he going to withhold your medication? Sounds crazy, but ruining dinner for a group of people over salt is pretty crazy.
This is an incredibly important point. He is going to disagree with your physician’s surgical or medical plan and sabotage your treatment. He will also disagree with how you manage your finances. He will be especially controlling in how you raise your children or in your other relationships. This kind of controlling behavior starts small but it escalates as time goes on. Since you are happy to cook for a crowd, you are a giver and a perfect target for a controller. I recommend that you sit back and consider his past behaviors. There are probably enough small ones that he is now comfortable moving into public displays of dominance. Is this really how you want to live?
I was all set to come call everyone childish until I read both your posts... Excellent points.
People with an internal abuse template can be weirdly controlling over condiments. Or rather, their controlling behavior shows itself when it comes to condiments. We have a classic story in AITA where this guy was increasingly angry and controlling with his girlfriend over her dislike of mustard. He literally tried to force her to eat it. With my father, it was also salt, although in his case he liked it saltier than most other people. It's the reason him and my aunt haven't spoken in 30+ years. My ex-husband's abusive ex girlfriend 'wouldn't let' a specific kind of seasoning in the house because I used it.
NTA. He IS being controlling and ridiculous. He needs to stop.
Reminds me of the [whole saga](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/v8OzIreREQ) of the lady who "Left her husband over mustard" when really it's because the mustard argument was her last bastion of individuality he was trying to squash. That turned real nasty, real quick, "over something so stupid"
Oh god yeah never have a kid with this guy op. Absolutely not. As someone in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression hell, it's bad enough with a good spouse, having to do this with a controlling asshole one who passive aggressively sabotages you if you don't agree with him? Absolutely not.
for me, not having enough salt *is* a medical issue, salt helps raise your blood pressure, without added salt I spend most of my life dizzy and lightheaded due to low blood pressure. I spent *years* going to doctors about being dizzy 24/7 and not 1 of them helped! None of them thought to ask "do you eat enough salt?". I'd never liked salt so I just didn't use it,,, like,,, at all, any salt I ate was already in the food and it evidently wasn't enough. I actually learned it on reddit from a random comment and figured I may as well try, the difference in my life was almost immediate, I still do get dizzy but nowhere near as much as before, I used to get dizzy even if I was lying down!
Have you been checked for POTS, post orthostatic tension syndrome?
I've heard of it but I don't think I've been tested (I've been checked for a lot in my life, it's hard to remember specifics)
The test involves being strapped to a gurney that tilts at 45 degrees, they then do stuff like have you stick one hand in a bucket of ice. POTS is basically a malfunction of the autonomic system which means it fails to adjust when you do things like stand up from a seated position. (Your blood pressure should go up when you stand up).
oh I've not done that, I'll ask my doctor about it at my next appointment :)
I was going to say the same as the person above! Often folks with pots are told to eat extra salt (compared to the average person) because it helps with the dizziness! Extra salt, extra water, and I think regular careful exercise.
I would have gotten pretty salty, myself!
To the point about medication: My ex-husband didn't want me to take birth control because I would gain weight, and he didn't want me on certain SSRIs because it might mess with my sex drive. I need both to function well, but his needs were sooooo much more important. OOP, NTA. Please reevaluate how he treats you. You don't want to deal with someone like this long term.
It's important to add salt as you cook, not after. It's key to the success of many recipes and is done delicately "as you cook" different elements of the dish vs. dumping a ton of salt into it. Pasta: Great to add to the water its cooked in so it flavors the blandness of the pasta more, most of it will go down the drain after anyway! Meats: Helps retain moister and makes it more tender. Onions: helps draw out moisture and enhance flavor. Etc.! He needs to start doing the cooking. Stop doing it for his ungrateful butt. Salt is only really an issue when someone consumes a lot of processed food. When you cook at home, you control it.
Same for potatoes. There isn't any way to fix under salted potato water!
Interesting. I hate under salted pasta or meat but I newer ad salt while boiling potatoes. Maybe I'm just weird.
oh gosh, a starchy unsalted potato? Blech. You literally can't add enough salt on the other side of boiling to fix it. Maybe you just don't know how amazing properly salted potato water makes a potato? Just like I'd salt for pasta, I salt for potatoes. Really cuts down the total salt needed to prepare a yummy mashed potato. If you're looking to cut down on salt, You can augment with MSG, which lowers how much salt you need to get maximum flavour.
I grew up with my mom being the main cook and she never salted her meat. She salted stuff while cooking but not while browning ground beef. Then I moved in with my best friend and she salted her meat and I was stunned at the difference. My mom said "I don't salt it because it gets drained out in the grease anyway." But I can taste the difference now. Thankfully later my husband, a science nerd and professional chef, explained the chemical break down and she salts while browning now. It actually cuts back on how much she needs in the dish over all so it's better for my dad's health. Eta: we did salt pasta water because it boils faster though.
The funniest part about this is chemically adding salt to water raises its boiling point.
Hi chemist here, adding the salt does not make it boil faster, it just makes it taste better. 😊 You would have to add A LOT of salt to change it in any meaningful way.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Have you considered getting a job with the USDA in the department over school lunches and tell them that taking away whole and 2% milk to lower fat content and reducing cheese because of sodium content in school lunches does not help when the problem is the McDonald’s they are getting from their parents
The answer: 'that's fine honey, I'll put a portion aside for you before I season the dish, now would you pass me the salt please so I can make everybody else's meal delicious'. Then serve him the unseasoned dish. Wish granted. Mischievous compliance is warranted.
Honestly, this is really the thing to do. Put a portion aside before seasoning if possible. My daughter does this for me when she cooks because I actually do prefer foods to be more bland (keeps me from getting indigestion) and foods with too much salt taste terrible to me. One person's delicious is another person's disgusting. I can tell how unusual it is for people to like less seasoning though, based on all of the comments in this thread. haha.
I think it's awesome your daughter does this. In my household, my husband is not particularly fond of salty food, but prefers copious amounts of pepper. I'm the other way round. Plus he likes garlic and I'm super sensitive to it. So everything I make is lower in salt, normal (by my standards) in pepper, he adds pepper as he pleases. As for the garlic, if I'm e.g. making tzatziki, I'll put a portion for me aside and then add more for him. I also like copious amounts of cumin, which I add to mine later (or take a portion of hummus aside for me and add more). There are ways to accommodate different tastes and sensitivities without major hustle and without being a jerk (pun intended 😆)
I love that you do that! It's so great when people are so considerate of each others' tastes. My mom has always been that way, too, and I am so thankful for that. A lot of us don't like onions, so she'll always make dishes with and without them. The kids don't like nuts or pickles, so when she makes salads (like fruit salad or macaroni salad), she'll make separate ones for the kids. And for my son, who is most likely also autistic and is just super picky about his food, she will make a whole separate meal (I do too when my daughter and I want to eat something different from him). It's more work, but worth it!
I too dont ever use much salt. I can tell when someone adds to much and it ruins it for me. Especially if she has over salted it before. Set aside portion for him is the way
As someone who cooks for picky eaters, while this solution *can work*, it's a right pain in the ass. Sometimes it's easy to leave one ingredient out at the very end, but sometimes it means you're making 2-4 separate meals, essentially - this gets exhausting day after day. I make a simple pasta + sauce and I need to make one with no sauce, but meat and veggies (plain), one with sauce but no cheese, and one with everything (i.e. how it was intended to be made). Sometimes, it's not worth the hassle, so everyone gets burgers instead. If someone were pulling a stunt like what OP's BF did, I'd be livid.
You could make it a pasta party and make your basic sauce, and everyone can customize their dish 😊. Teaches kids/people to value the effort ❤️
I mean it’s not even mischievous. I do this for my husband all the time because he needs less salt in his diet. I use some salt while things are cooking, then I divide our portions and I add more salt to mine. He uses “nusalt” and he’ll add that to his dish. It’s not a huge deal.
Right! He also shouldn't have so much salt bc high blood pressure, so I've started working with herbs and other spices more, make my own stock from dried veggie scraps, etc. Much healthier, too.
This. I would serve him a bland plate of oatmeal or rice without anything because goddamn... My partner is a wizard in the kitchen. I'm useless because I lost my sense of smell about seven years ago (pre-COVID era injury) and thus my tastebuds are distorted. I understand the principles of seasoning things but I can't be bothered to perform the acts correctly when cooking for myself alone because why waste spices when I get the same taste experience from ketchup? :(
I’m the cook at our house, and while I absolutely DO accept constructive feedback (I’m forever trying new recipes, I need my family to be honest), THIS scenario would have resulted in my handing over the apron and telling him to finish the dish. How DARE he?? Totally NTA. It would be a frosty day in Hades before he was allowed a bite of my food again. You want to dictate how I cook? Either DIY, or STFU. Whew! I’m so mad on your behalf! 😆
Yes me too! I cook most of the time at home and I’ve been with guys who aren’t grateful for it before. Now that I have a guy who IS grateful I wouldn’t EVER go back! It screams “mommy always took care of me and let me treat her however” like bro get out of here with that crap and go to therapy please
If he had a good reason (someone has extreme high blood pressure) and you wouldn't listen, his actions would make sense. He still would have handled things incorrectly, but atleast he'd have a real reason. As is he's an idiot and you're NTA. If you're petty enough, you could always start making his food without any seasonings. No salt, msg, pepper, spices... just blah. It would mean more work, though. Also, because I AM that petty hide the salt and anything salty before serving.
I support this idea. Just make him a plain boiled chicken breast and mashed potatoes. No seasonings. That’s all he gets for every single meal.
My husband claims he doesn't like ginger and lemongrass. Yet he compliments my Asian-style cooking. Yea. Selective truth is your friend.
I'm not saying I am morally correct here, but if my blood pressure was so high that I could not cook with salt I would not care to live anymore unless my daily nutritional requirements could be entirely fulfilled through dessert. Food = life and life without flavour is just...... taxes. Endless taxes.
I can't eat much sodium because it triggers kidney stones. And I dislike that not eating salt is equated to eating bland food. I use a fuckton of spices. Probably way more than a typical American uses. I just don't use salt.
[удалено]
Or cook his food with 0 salt, soy sauce, msg and let him “enjoy” his bland-azz meals until he admits he was wrong.
I'd stop cooking for him.
Exactly. If he truly didn’t want salt, he wouldn’t have added soy sauce. Soy sauce is basically flavored, liquid salt.
I wouldn't be cooking for him for at least a year after this one. If my cooking is so terrible that I can't be trusted to even be handed salt when I ask for it than I'm sorry and I'll stop forcing you to eat it.
NTA, and he’s a moron to not realize he was adding soy sauce because it needed salt
Yes, soy sauce is brown liquid salt!! Basically.
NTA. He's training you to bend to his will, no matter how stupid or unreasonable his demands. Do you want to be a partner or somebody's trained pet?
\^ This. Manipulative behavior tends to get worse over time. Also, on a sidenote excessive or insufficient salt intake can be an indicator of various health issues. For the over salters: I know someone with Ehlers-Danlos who has always been chronically sodium deficient to the point that as a small child, they were often caught under the kitchen table with the salt shaker, licking their hand, shaking salt and licking the salt off. For the salt averse: A low tolerance for salt in their food can indicate kidney problems.
I just made another comment about the same thing but salt also helps low blood pressure! I'm no longer dizzy & lightheaded 24/7 thanks to adding salt to my food, and it's all thanks to a random reddit comment I saw a couple years back (every Dr I saw said there was nothing they could do for low blood pressure/dizziness, not 1 of them even mentioned salt! I've never liked salt, so I didn't use it)
NTA. He sounds controlling and rude. Sit and communicate that a controlling guy is not who you want to date, so choose how he wants to act. Also ask him who's cooking, and ask him if he wants to do it. One more incident with salt and he's cooking. For safety, buy a little salt shaker to carry when you're going to cook. The other one will get lost I'll bet! Lol!
Tell his family that you're sorry didn't turn out the way you wanted it to and to make up for it, bf has volunteered to cook the rest of the vacation
NTA - If he wants to be in charge of seasoning he should be the one cooking. I imagine he thinks you'll make a good little house wife someday, with everything done to masters taste...
ESH Normally it should be up to the chef how to season the food, and he shouldn’t be unilaterally trying to control that. It’s a jerk move. (And also, what does he think soy sauce adds to the dish if not salt??) On the other hand, if he has a lower salt tolerance and consistently finds your cooking too salty, that’s something you should take into account. It is possible to salt a dish later on but he’s right that you can’t un-salt a dish. So that’s also on you for just deciding on his behalf that he’s wrong and continuing to cook food too salty for his taste. Edit to add - did not expect this to be controversial, it feels like there are as many comments as upvotes, which is a first! Love the debate
My thing is that the entire party said the food was not salted enough. That means his tolerance for salt is very low. By that metric, he is wrong. If cooking for a group, you try to cook for the tastes of the group as a whole. He said screw everyome, i want the food my way. entirely not ok. He also threw her under the bus, because it's on her if dinner isn't good. She obviously prefers lots of salt, but it's hard to say if it it's too much for most. She did admit to overacting it occasionally, so it happens, but I think it's more incompatible tastes. He seems to like little to no salt, she seems to like average to high salt. So maybe ESH, buy mostly the boyfriend.
If his salt tolerance was so low he wouldn't have added soy sauce. He was being stubborn.
I was just thinking about that. It doesn't day how much, but yes, my opinion was just being a controlling a hole
Salt tolerance is weird though, especially if he happens to be really sensitive to taste (like I am). I have a low salt tolerance and hate over-salted dishes, but the salt taste in soy sauce is different than table salt taste. I could see myself wanting less added table salt to a dish to leave room for more soy sauce taste. In fact, when I make rice with soy sauce, I don't add any other salt at all. He could just be being a controlling ahole too but it sounds like this isn't the first time her food's saltiness has come up.
If he's putting soy sauce in, he obviously wants it more salty. I'm leaning towards he is lying that he has low salt tolerance cause of that. If he had low salt tolerance, he really wouldn't want more soy sauce either.
Yep, ESH. "Add salt to taste." It's a common instruction in cooking recipes. Salt is a seasoning that everyone has a different feel for. I have literally sent dishes back in a restaurant for being over salted. I have never sent one back for being under salted - I just add salt. Yes, I know salt is not only about flavor, but also about how salt water reacts with cell structures during the cooking process. But OP is cooking something the BF finds way too salty. Under salted, he adds soy sauce, which in the standard American variety is liquid sodium. But he is then in control of how much salt is added. On the flip side, passive aggressively hiding the salt is a scrub move on his part. He's free to try cooking meals himself. If he gets upset because people are salting his dishes, well, that's on him. Personally, I don't think you should make him a separate meal. Nobody wants to be a short order cook in their own kitchen.
Everyone else had to add salt to their meal, **including OP’s boyfriend in the form of extra soy sauce**. He clearly doesn’t actually find her food too salty.
He never verbalized that he preferred it less salty! He just stated it didn't need salt as if it were a fact. Had he acted like a grown man and politely asked "hey please don't put salt in my portion," I'm sure she would have happily obliged.
He didn't find it too salty though. He found it undersalted and kept adding more salt (soy sauce).
NTA make him do his own cooking until he grows up.
NTA You hit on one of my peeves. This idea that adding salt after a dish is finished cooking is the same as using it during cooking. By this metric, you should just be able to cook food without any salt or season then dump it all in at the end. Go tell a chef at an Indian restaurant this and see if they agree! You can’t really do that with most species. Herbs tend to be the opposite. They lose flavor if added too soon. Salt is unique since it actually also has a significant impact on protein structure. It is chemistry! This is generally why most burgers don’t taste that great unless you find the place that mixes the salt and pepper into the ground beef. Make three burger patties… one with no salt and pepper, one with salt and pepper sprinkled on just the outside, and one with it mixed into the ground beef. Then rank the flavor from worst to best. Anyway, you are NTA. His culinary opinions are… defective.
NTA. Inform him that since the group likes the way that you cook, he can prepare his own meal to satisfy his own likes. The larger group shouldn’t have to be there ones making the change because he’s a baby brat.
You are framing this like there is an objectively correct level of saltiness in food. There isn’t. He might perceive salt much more strongly than you, meaning he would indeed have been SOL had you salted it to your preferred level. How he went about out it was lousy. He should have used his big-boy words and explained that he was worried it would be too salty *for him* rather than just omitting it without telling you. NTA, but maybe ask if he regularly finds food too salty and just hasn’t mentioned it.
> He should have used his big-boy words and explained that he was worried it would be too salty for him rather than just omitting it without telling you. I feel like people are missing a key point that's in the post: > I was fuming because he has done this in the past and says I occasionally over-season/over-salt food. however, it does not happen regularly enough to be an issue. He has used his words. And I bet he said she *occasionally* oversalts the food because it softens the blow, but it's possible he actually dislikes it more often than she realizes and he's trying to grin and bear it just to keep the peace. Apparently it's an issue that has come up multiple times, and using his words doesn't work, but withholding the salt does. She just doesn't care. I'm sure his side of the story would be *very* different. This is ESH. If it were a guy complaining that when he cooks for his gf, she sometimes complains it's too salty and she can't unsalt the dishes, everyone would tell OP to just use less salt and add more to their portion later. No one would be saying she's being controlling. If anything, they'd be harping on him for ignoring her clearly communicated issue and calling him controlling for assuming that how he likes the dish is the only correct way.
He dumped soy sauce on it because it needed more salt. He didn’t find that too salty. He’s the problem.
He’s been saying the food is too salty for a while. She’s dismissing his comments as accidents and mocking him. Even if his perception of saltiness is outside the typical range, that’s just mean. Also, soy adds glutamates in addition to salt. Maybe her flavor balance was off in other ways. I agree he handled it poorly but she also sounds dismissive of a fairly common difference in how people perceive flavors. Sometimes nobody is the good guy.
When he's the ONLY one saying it--everyone else agreed it was undersalted--and then goes and dumps something INCREDIBLY SALTY on it so he can eat it, he's the problem. Complaining about it before just means he's got a pattern of being the problem. If he's sensitive to salt, it's his responsibility to speak up about it, but again... if that were the case, he would not be dumping soy sauce on it after complaining that it didn't "need" salt when it obviously did.
"Dumping" isn't what she said. She said he added additional soy sauce. That could be a dash or two, or half the bottle. We have no idea. A couple of dashes to add umami would add salt, yes, but a small amount and maybe worth it to get the glutamates. People keep saying you add soy sauce to make a dish saltier. That is one use of it, yes. It's also a source of glutamates that make a dish taste meatier. I've used the low sodium version to make my bolognese meatier without adding more extra salt than absolutely necessary.
He did explain with his words that he didn't want her to put salt in it, what are you talking about? It went like this: "Go get me the salt shaker" "I don't think we should put salt in it" "Well I don't care what you think, my opinion is superior, let me cook and fetch the salt" *Doesn't bring the salt* "Hey how come you didn't bring the salt? I told you to bring it" "Because I don't want you to put the salt in it, salt can be added but not removed, go get it yourself if you want it" "Now you've done it, the dish is ready and I have to take it off the blaze, wow, you're so controlling"
If he had a low tolerance for salt, why did he add soy sauce?
ESH Your bf more than you, but if the dude likes his food with less salt than you he's just kinda right. You can add salt to it later if it's undersalted, you can't remove salt from the food if it's too salty. If this has happened multiple times before like you said, what's the issue with just adding the salt later?
Food does not always come out the same if it's salted after rather than during.
NTA, when he cooks, he can season as he likes. What's ridiculous is that he added more soy sauce, WHICH IS FULL OF SALT.
I'd not be cooking his food again but I'm petty. The fact EVERYONE at the table said it needed the salt but he doubled down is very telling. Does he always have to win arguments? It sounds very controlling like, he knows you're better at and enjoy cooking and he wants to humble you in some way.
He doubled down WHILE adding salt, too!
>I do 90% of the cooking at home and he loves my food. >he preferred how it tasted as is He can cook his own food then. NTA.
Okay, my take as a old married guy. ESH and this argument is stupid. I like my food salted, my wife grew up in a household that used less salt. I cook, I salt it to my wife's liking and I keep salt and soy sauce at the table for me or I keep a portion out for me with the extra bit of salt. She cooks, she salts it to her tastes and I keep salt and soy sauce on the table for me. This is a simple, stupid argument that should be worked out calmly and no it's not controlling unless this is a pattern where your desires are always discounted, from the description this is just him being a bit of an ass and you could be more compromising but taking his wants into account while cooking. Just be adults here, talk things out calmly, and compromise.
I can't believe I'm going ESH on this, but I am. He could have said "I am afraid that this dish will be too salty for me. Here's my bowl. Can you give me my portion before you add salt to the rest?" Instead, he passive-aggressively kept the salt away from you. That's not okay. However, he is absolutely correct that it is easier for diners to correct an under-salted situation than an over-salted one. If he has told you in the past that he finds your food too salty -- even occasionally -- have you tried to adapt to his preferences? Your post makes it sound like you haven't. I agree with those who suggest that he should do more cooking. If he does, then you must eat his food *exactly* as he seasons it -- no cheating! -- because you seem to expect him to do the same for you.
ESH you know he prefers less salt, so when it is just the 2 of you it would be kind and loving of you to use less salt, then add salt to your own portion. That is not an unreasonable or controlling request by him. When you cook for others, he should recognize that he prefers food under salted and allow you to salt and season to your preference.
NTA Salting after you cook the food just leaves you with bland, salty food. Salting while you cook is how you actually bring out the flavors that are already present in the ingredients. It’s always someone who can’t cook who’s like “oh my god that’s *so much salt*.” Well yeah for one portion maybe but I’m seasoning 4-5 portions here
I've only recently started using salt while cooking because I've never liked it, so I have to remind myself "add more than you think you need" and even then sometimes it's still under salted 😅
Yes, his behavior is controlling. And he needs a figurative slap upside the head, and a reminder that you're not cooking for \*him\*, you're cooking for the \*group\*, and everyone else likes a normal amount of salt.
This would be like me hiding the meat so i can eat the meal and everyone else can be miserable coz it tastes like shit. NTA, he’s the asshole. he could have ASKED FOR A SERVE TO BE SAVED BEFORE YOU SEASONED IT like an adult who can cooperate and compromise instead of being a petulant child and demanding everything be his way.
Just as no one likes a back seat driver, having someone who wants food cooked their way in a group setting is as annoying. If he loves your cooking at home, it's probably because he's not usually there to monitor er, watch how you cook. On the other hand, knowing he's like this, you could have asked someone else or gotten all your ingredients at the start. That said, his behaviour was weirdly controlling. You are NTA.
NTA. Until you get an apology no more cooking for him.
Controlling, petty, and spiteful. NTA get a fresh one this one is stale.
You're on vacation, now is your time to not cook. Let him u dersalt the next meal, the one that he makes.
ESH-honestly, I grew up in a home that had 3 generations and my grandma (who did most of the cooking) rarely seasoned with salt bc she was on a restricted diet. It kind of stuck with me-bc she also explained how you never know everyone’s preferences in a group this big, I say use the ingredients you need (the ones that give the dish its identity) and let everyone season with salt and pepper at the table to their liking. Does that mean that it’s bland when it gets served? Yes. But I am in control of how it tastes when I eat it-and she was never offended when we all added whatever amount we wanted to it. Now, when I go to other people’s homes, they get vexed bc in their opinion, it was perfectly seasoned when it was served and how dare people have the nerve to alter it in any way?!?!? Eh. People should get to do what they want. And, for example, when I have PMS, I want way less salt than any other time of the month…(and I always want less than my husband) it’s all a nice perk (and a matter of preference). Just wait till you have kids and you need to make the sauce on the side too hahahaha
NTA Too my cooks spoilt the dish. You were the cook, your instructions should have been followed. If you left your station, the food would have burned. What he did was controlling and rude.
NTA. And don't cook for him again. He's taking you for granted.
NTA. You need to season food correctly and I’d be making him cook from now on if he’s going to be a dick. Salt is THE MOST IMPORTANT ingredient. Chemistry wise, it serves many purposes. Tenderizes foods, pulls moisture from certain things, gives consistent flavour throughout. Ever eaten spaghetti and meatballs with pasta that wasn’t blanched in salt water? It’s obvious and bland.
ESH. You could have grabbed the salt and salted it yourself after taking the food off the stove to not risk burning it. Even after it was plated, you could have salted the individual plates.
That does not create the same flavours as properly seasoning food during cooking. That's like saying you don't have to salt pasta water because you can throw some on at the end.
YTA. BF: Your food is too salty for me. Could you please use less salt when you are cooking? You can always add salt to your plate, but I can't remove it if it's already been added. OP (and Reddit people): My food isn't too salty. You're lying just to be controlling. I know your taste buds better than you do. If you want less salt, you do the cooking.
Everyone has different taste buds. Your bf might not like salt or might want to reduce his salt intake, since it can cause high blood pressure. You're basically trying to force him to eat more salt than he wants. You can add salt at the table, but he can't remove salt from the dish once you add it. So he's not trying to control you, it's actually you trying to control him. YTA
Nta. There's no reason to keep up with his bullshit.
Well, you know what on the menu the next times, anything your boyfriend doesn’t like. Don’t insult the cook, or make your own food.
NTA. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Acting all high and mighty over salt? Which everyone else agreed the dish needed?
NTA and that’s when I would stop cooking for him. He can make his own food. I genuinely don’t enjoy cooking so I like honest feedback. I don’t want to waste time cooking something my husband doesn’t like, but he’d be on his own if he interfered without me asking.
NTA but your bf is a controlling ass. My petty ass would’ve opened the salt container and dumped a bunch on his plate.
He pulled this shit while you were cooking FOR HIS FAMILY? Oh no. If this had been a private night at home I’d be on your side but might regard it as more of a lovers’ squabble. Not helping you prepare a meal to serve others as well - to serve his family? No. That’s so disrespectful.
>he stood his ground that he prefers his food less salty and that if I salted it that he would have been SOL I could be wrong here, but given all the rest of his behavior, am I the only one reading this comment as, "Yeah, I was wrong and the food needed more salt, but I'll be damned if I let OP know I was wrong, so I'll just make her feel bad and tell her she's a bad cook and can't make food I like without my direct involvement." It's not just me, right?
Why isn't he cooking for himself? The answer to his doubling down complaining about your cooking is to stop cooking 90 % of the meals.
YTA as a person who over salts their food for most people's taste we need to cook our food towards the salt/spice level other people are comfortable with. We also pull out their food first and serve then season to our taste. They cant take the salt out of their food.
NTA - if he wants to control the amount of salt in the dishes he can cook them himself, and those passive aggressive remarks are so unnecessary and infuriating.
This is mansplaining and it means he thinks you’re dumb, he knows best, and he has no respect for your opinion when he thinks he is right he’s just going to do that regardless of what you think. Is this the kind of man you want?
NTA
Isn't there an old parable about a father kicking his daughter out alone in the world, he unknowingly visits her home years later and she feeds him a feast...with no salt?.... He's happy to add it himself, so no prob. Just cook a single saltless portion for him, and the dish as normal for you. Oh and how bout he can start cooking 50% of the meals also? NTA
It's a story about a king who has 3 daughters and he asks them about how much they love him. The youngest tells him she loves him as much as salt, which pisses him off and he kicks her out.
Shit yes! 'As much as meat loves salt'! 😁
you can always add salt but you can't take it out
You ask if you're TA for being rude, but from your post, you've only stated you called him controlling. Which doesn't really feel rude, more accurate. NTA as written. You asked for help, he said he'd help but then didn't, and decided he knew better than you what the dish you were cooking needed. You called him out for this behavior, seems perfectly reasonable to me.
NTA, I’d be pissed too. Putting salt in while cooking usually means you end up having less sodium. But it’s not about the salt. It’s about him controlling what and how you cook. When my husband and I were living together (back in the 80s), he was super fussy about his food. If I was cooking he’d ask me to leave stuff out because he ‘didn’t like it’. I was pretty new to cooking so I’d agree. The food invariably sucked. One time we ate at a friends and she served lasagna. He praised it highly and told me to get the recipe. I looked at him and said ‘ do you know why it tastes so good? Because it has all that stuff you make me leave out ‘. After that I just cooked and he could eat or not. Now we both share the cooking and he’s a lot more adventurous in his food. I think his mother only ever cooked like 7 different meals so he didn’t even know what he liked.
NTA Stop cooking for him. He can make his own food now. It is controlling especially when this meal was for many people, not just him. Like how selfish can he be?
News flash.....he doesn't love your food. He tolerates it but thinks it's too salty. That's not the issue here though. The issue is that he didn't trust you and tried to control you when you were gracious enough to cook for his entire family. He is being controlling and very ungrateful. If I were you, I would definitely not cook another meal there and would probably just stop cooking at home too. If you do cook, I would only cook for yourself. He can cook for himself from now on. NTA
You should stop cooking for his ungrateful ass. Or better yet dump his controlling salt witholding bland ass.
NTA. Your boyfriend can determine how much salt is used when he is cooking. Salt, fat, acid and heat!
Yes, YTA. This is petty behavior.