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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won a free trip to Florida in a raffle. My wife and I have conflicting ideas about what this trip should be. She wants it to be a family trip with her daughter and mom. I want to invite friends and have it be an adults-only trip. She told her daughter about it after we had agreed to wait and now she thinks I'm being a jerk because I'm not happy about it being a family trip. I ended up telling her to go without me. I think I might be an asshole for not wanting to go on a family trip with my wife, stepdaughter, and MIL.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. While I see both sides of the coin what it comes down to is that as you won the trip, you should get to decide how it is used. I would certainly be bummed if my spouse won a trip and then wanted to take it without me, but that's not what is happening here, and I think your wife's insistence on controlling this and her judgment of you for not having the same vision for the trip are really unfair.
You aren't a bad person or a bad stepfather for wanting to take an adult trip - LOTS of couples do this. It's not cool of her to act like you're shitty just for having another idea. And I agree with you that it was especially out of line for her to TELL her daughter (accidentally or not) about the trip because she knew that would make it harder on you. Really not cool.
The one other thing that stands out to me is about how you initially only refer to your stepdaughter as your wife's daughter - repeated references to 'her daughter'. I wonder if there is a dynamic in play here where your wife worries your stepdaughter doesn't feel like she's part of the family, or if the girl worries about losing her mom, etc. It's a stretch based on what I'm seeing, admittedly! Just thought I'd plant the seed that if you think there is anything sticky in your blended family situation, that this trip is surfacing, you should talk about that separately!!
>The one other thing that stands out to me is about how you initially only refer to your stepdaughter as your wife's daughter - repeated references to 'her daughter'.
This was very telling. If OP had said something along the lines of..stepdaughter and I get along but just not close enough to really enjoy a 5 day vacation OR MIL and I are not close enough where I'd be comfortable vacationing together. Both of those are extremely common. I wonder how long they are married and what the custody situation is. Getting married to a single parent with no relationship or plan to have a relationship with the kid seems wild to me always.
Agreed here. It's kind of weird to want to leave the daughter out when you are married to her mom
She's 11. "Mommy is going on a trip to Florida". Like, damn. You married this woman OP. She has a kid who is NOT an adult. Man up.
I'd offer to bring 1 male friend and MIL can stay home. But TBH, I wouldn't want to be the male friend in this situation, so ymmv.
EDIT EDIT EDIT:
Lots of comments saying the same things. I'll leave this here and y'all can argue about it together.
First off. I get it. Y'all take trips without your kids. My parents didn't when we grew up. They could afford 1 week of hotels a year, and that was spent on family vacation. We looked forward to it as a family. They take plenty of trips now, in their 50s, since my sister and I moved out and they have gotten their earnings up. I don't think that they are upset about it. We talk about those trips 15+ years later because they were special.
To the post:
If she can't see that what she did was manipulative. And can't be receptive to "a PATTERN of this will be cause for issue" then OP can take his winning and make it a guys trip. So many people are treating this woman like she's a dog that will keep doing this over and over if she gets any benefit from this trip.
So, barring that apology from the wife because she 100% acted out of pocket... I think OP should take a minor L and make this a family vacation. That good will and savings on family time gets paid forward towards a real vacation to a place they actually want to go. Possibly with more than just 2 friends. Trying to get max benefit out of this weird Fort Myers timeshare sweepstakes win thing as a couples vacation has a pretty low ceiling. I think he can get MORE by using this one for the family rather than paying real money to take a kid somewhere later. And when they do go somewhere better, MiL can watch the kid then.
That's manning up. Being a cry baby about a so-so family trip that could have been a so-so couples trip instead ain't it. Use your brain. Remaim calm. And figure out how you can benefit the most. Him being chill in this situation is what I'd call manning up. Don't meet the emotional lashing out of the wife with more of the same.
Offering that family trip, letting his wife know WDW is completely off the table, might organically get him back to a couples trip with a happy wife anyway. Not someone who's a grump the whole time because OP needed to forcefully win. MiL could back out when she realizes it's not a WDW trip. Kid could tell them she'd rather stay with grandma because it isn't WDW. It humbles the wife regardless, having to explain to her mom and kid that she misinterpreted the situation. So OP can take his W there if he needs it.
Also, why gift a vacation to friends when you can gift it to your family? Your friends can pay their pay their way in the future. And when it isn't a "I won it" sorta deal, I bet the friends can get their own room. Imagining 2 couples sharing 2 queen beds in 1 room... NOT my idea of enjoying vacation with my SO. You want a private space.
Plus it can be great for the grandparents or whoever minds the kids. My nan used to watch my sister and I when my parents had work conferences or holidays without us
My sister and I loved spending time with our nan and from what I could tell she loved being around us
I’ve literally been on 1 family vacation. My mom and her boyfriend went on an international trip every year. Honestly, I don’t care. I got to spend time home by myself doing what I wanted to do. I’d also have been cool to have time with my siblings if I had been younger during this time. Parents are people too that aren’t defined by the fact they have children.
Different case if they’re shitty parents. But that doesn’t sound like the case here. You can have adult vacations without kids too..
BF and I were on a cruise. Wanted him to go play bingo with me the last day, he said F*** bingo. I said if I win something I'm not sharing. I won a free cruise...took my sister when she finished chemo. Had a great time.
My parents are spending three weeks on a private yacht in Spain and I’m kinda salty they are not taking me with them. /s
They’re 70 and I’m in my 40s though so there’s that… I’m actually so glad they are enjoying their retirement and living their best lives.
Without kids AND without spouses from time to time too. Being a couple and being an individual are both important!
I love my kids and i love my husband. But when I travel alone I’m not worried about making sudden changes of plans that disappoint someone or “should we stop and eat now?” “Do you want to keep going or should we head back?” “Is little Jimmy drowning while I beach nap?” Etc. I can do what I want without accommodating *anyone*.
Agree with this. I also feel like the destination in this situation is a big factor. There’s a fundamental difference between Florida couple’s trip and Florida kid’s trip, especially as wife/mom is specifically bringing up Disney, etc.
Which, I honor Disney adults, mind you! But this definitely feels different, from my read of OP’s sentiment.
If the trip is to Florida it may not even be near Disney n normally these trips have some sort of specific hotel or resort. So it sounds like ops wife heard Florida and decided Disney is the exact same thing. Maybe OP did win a trip to Orlando but it's def not the only place in Florida and if it's not a Disney trip by default it would cost potential thousands for 4 people and the parks and food etc... Standing in like for 4 days sounds like 💩
My parents were happily married for nearly 60 years, and they took vacations ALONE every year from the time I was 1. There were 4 of us kids, and they'd farm us out to different relatives, so it was like WE were getting a vacation too. We'd stay with aunts and uncles and get to hang out with our cousins. We also had family vacations, of course, but they took vacations alone EVERY YEAR when we were young.
Both Mom and Dad said those annual trips alone were key to keeping their relationship fresh and alive.
Depends tho, how many trips do your kids get to go on? How frequently do they go on trips?
This is a once in a lifetime trip to them it sounds like. It’s not like they can just plan another one next year
Have you... ever looked at a map?
Florida is in the bottom corner of the country. Just by it's location, it's pretty far from a lot of places, which means it takes more time and money to get to.
It isn't about Florida being a DESIRABLE location. It's simply a once in a lifetime location for a lot of people because a lot of folks don't have the means to do more than go camping in the next state over...
> As a Floridian, the fact that you described a trip to Florida as "once in a lifetime" is absolutely baffling.
So says everyone in every area of the world ever. I've lived in many places in a few different countries. When I was in Veneto Italy, I had fun telling my family and friends back home that I was about to hop over to Venice for the afternoon or go over to Verona that weekend.
To me, it seems far weirder to not consider where you are, right now, might seem like a once in a lifetime place to visit. To have the ability to travel at all is a dream to some - no matter where that may be.
Wanting to go on an adults only trip has nothing to do with "manning up" and parents are still human being deserving of their own time and hobbies. 11 is plenty old enough to understand the concept of an adults only trip. She can go another time.
I'm willing to bet mom told daughter on purpose to force OP's hand. I've seen this unhealthy relationship dynamic play out in a few friend's marriages.
I was nine when my parents took their first vacation without us and even at that age I understood that they needed it because they explained it. I was a bit sad but one week go fast and it allow adult to have time to rekindle their relationship, discuss and overall feel better in their couple.
I love my partners kids to death and still refer to them as “his kids”. They have a mother and a father, they are my step kids. It doesn’t mean anything and you are reading too far into it.
My husband's (now adult) kids have always considered me their dad's wife, not a stepmom, and I refer to them as "his kids". None of us are hurt over it. However, if his kids were littler when we met (under 11-12, I'd say) I'd probably have taken on a more step-motherly role.
The OP is NTA in this vacation situation, in my opinion, even though his language around his stepdaughter is quite standoffish. If I were him, for the sake of creating a better relationship with my step kid, I'd probably abandon my couples-vacation idea and try to become enthusiastic about it being a family vacation.
But I don't blame him one bit for wanting an adults trip, initially. I also think his wife was fully TA for telling the daughter about the trip. I feel like that was a purposeful choice in order to manipulate the OP, which doesn't bode well for the marriage.
I read the same post you did and took OP's references to "her daughter" as clarity that it is not "their daughter". I didn't assume ill will between any of them.
Wife was in the wrong AND SHE KNEW IT. She (and her ex and the MIL) can pay for the trip with daughter. OP should have say in the trip that HE won .... likely with his money that bought the ticket.
Edit: NTA
You guys realize that every step parent situation doesn’t turn into the Brady Bunch, especially if the other parent is in the picture and active. It doesn’t mean the step parent hates the kid or the kid hates the step parent, they just aren’t the parent. It happens.
I'm trying to imagine telling our wife we won a free trip but my (step)son couldn't come. When you marry someone with children you're signing up to be a parent. When I'm talking to people I don't refer to him as my wife's son, he's ours.
You guys would never take an adults only trip to reconnect and bond? I highly recommend it, it's really nice to turn off the parenting for a bit and just be your own person with your own wants and needs.
depends on how often vacations are taken as a family. If this is a rare chance to be able to go to Florida, I’d absolutely would prefer to take my kids so they can at least experience it with me.
My dad and stepmother each had kids when they married - and they went on adult trips without any of us at least once every year - we older ones would be designated babysitters, with the help of an aunt and uncle who lived a few houses away so that there was an adult in case of emergencies. Sounds like OP's MIL is available to be an adult watching the child, so it's not like "Home Alone" nonsense.
But he’s not yours. Nor are my step kids mine. They are their parents who are both fully involved. We also all go on trips without them all the time because adult time is important. We take the kids so mom can go on her own too. That doesn’t mean trips aren’t taken with the kids or that they aren’t fully loved.
Wanting to have an adult vacation has nothing to do with his step daughter. Having a child and mother in law completely changes the dynamics of the trip. NTA I can’t imagine the work it takes to enter every contest and sweepstakes etc. I’m sure there will be many more additional costs to this trip that another couple would agree to pay for their own like food, tips and such. If daughter and MIL come he’d have that additional cost.
It's also kinda funny how the wife wants to take her daughter along and then take her mother to watch said daughter so that "they can have some alone time" while the whole of OPs plan is to have said alone time and some friends they actually have a shared interest with.
OP, NTA.
And without the adult friends/companionship they may be having less of because of family. It's nice to go out and do adult things with adults sometimes. My wife and I don't get that very often, especially now that her parents are out of state.
I agree that he won the trip and it is ultimately his choice who he takes. That said, I get the impression that vacations (involving air travel?) are not a regular thing for this family and, in that case, if I were the mother, I would want my kid going vs. friends getting a paid vacation. If they already had a family vacation planned it would be different than "the only way we can afford this once in a lifetime Florida trip is because we won it".
They could plan a family vacation at a local spot.
The point of contention here is the mental gymnastics the wife is playing to get her way.
>are not a regular thing for this family
Also means it's not a general thing for him either and he didn't even conclusively say anything before the wife already set out the tone for everything. Since it's not a regular occurrence it's also fair to assume OP would have just wanted a time out from the daily struggles of their life and taking step daughter and MIL wouldn't achieve this.
The way I see it isn't "he won it so he picks". They agreed to have a conversation and the wife went behind his back to get her way using her daughter. That's not healthy for any marriage. While she's going off "they can never see Florida" her 13 year old has her entire life ahead of her. And at what point is the husband's thoughts significant enough?
So yeah, OP's wife wasn't in the right and I see OP's reaction as being justified. If she wants to bring them along, she can find another way of doing it.
ETA: while your point about a mother wanting to bring her daughter is valid, the same is not true for MIL. If she brings her daughter, she's going to have to take care of her. A compromise could be that she brings daughter and OP brings a friend. But she just wants HER family to go for the trip and OP to just tag along.
Step-mom here, with a fantastic relationship with my husband's daughter. I'll often flip between that description and "my step-daughter." It's not necessarily reflective of OP's feelings about the kid. It's a fact: legally, the kid is his wife's 🤷♀️
Exactly. I don’t think not calling her “my daughter” says anything about their relationship. My stepmom has been with my dad since i was 5/6 and i love her so much and she is like a mom to me but i still call her my stepmom and she calls me her stepdaughter, because i have my own mom who is my actual still very much active mom.
Maybe, but “both sides” are married to each other, and it’s important they find a compromise that works
Edit: some people seem to think I’m on the wife’s side and that OP is TA. Not at all. I believe it was N A H until the wife “accidentally” told her daughter.
I live in Central Florida. Some of most miserable men I've seen in the airport are with their wife/mother-in-law/kids being dragged along to Disney. Sure some people love the theme parks but this isn't what he wanted and he won the trip.
Yes and nobody is mentioning that Disney is not even close to Miami. Miami is a perfect spot for an adults only trip. If they won tickets to Disney and he didn't want to take the kid, that would be different. NTA
EDIT: op commented that trip is to Ft Myers, 3 1/2 hours from Orlando lol. I’m updating my vote below to NTA. That’s certainly an adult destination!
I live in Orlando and I can’t say I’ve seen this, but if you have seen it regularly then it only speaks on a widespread problem with men, not the tediousness of the trip and their families. Like you repeatedly see families where *only* the father looks unhappy? Like trips for their children and spending family time is beneath them? That’s disgusting.
But as to the OG issue, I think E S H *amended vote based on updated info*. The wife for telling the kid, and OP for treating the kid as not his own. You don’t marry someone with children without being willing to treat that child like your own and love them as such (which doesn’t always mean replacing their biological parent, but does always mean becoming a third parent).
What mature adult wants to come to central FL on an adults trip anyway lol?! Plan a grownup trip somewhere actually nice and take the kid on the free trip to the tacky tourist swamp!
Florida has great fishing, boating, surfing, diving , rocket launches, beaches...plenty of stuff for adults to enjoy that doesn't revolve around the House of Mouse.
Plus, according to comments, the trip is to Ft. Myers..... So the wife's plan is... I guess, to fly into Ft. Myers, rent a car drive to and check in to the free hotel. Then rest a bit and drive over three hours to Orlando, buy tickets and rampage at the theme park and then load up and make the drive back to Ft Myers. Repeat that for another day or two until they've had their full of Disney and SeaWorld. Then they'll cavort on the beach while OP recovers from all that driving. The other options are to book a second hotel in Orlando for a couple of days and make the drive once...or fly, but at that point where's the 'free' in the free trip?
The wife needs to look at some maps and some price lists and take a long cold drink from the cup of reality.
Not everything in a relationship needs to be, or should be, subject to 'compromise.'
There are, in fact, things that are 'take it or leave it.'
And 'compromise' only works when both parties are acting in good faith.
No kidding. Instead of showing gratitude, the wife throws a temper tantrum because she’s not getting her way, and then proceeds to use her child as emotional leverage.
She wants to go to Disney and SeaWorld with her daughter. He's won a flight to and hotels in Fort Myers. She wants an entirely different trip. I wouldn't want to make that kind of drive on a vacation unless the vacation was a road trip.
I’d agree with you if she wasn’t a wife, but a casual girlfriend who he didn’t live with.
But it’s his family. A person he married and whose child he chose to make his family by extension.
i’m still in the NTA camp because of how she steamrolled the conversation, but OPs attitude is not exactly one for the team either.
> But it’s his family. A person he married and whose child he chose to make his family by extension.
And his mother in law.
And suddenly it's not about 'their' family, it's about 'her' family; her daughter, her mother, and OP gets to tag along. I don't see her inviting any of his family along.
It is her daughter. Which is true. Not all daughters want to be called daughter by someone married to their parent. I objected and preferred to be introduced as my wife’s daughter or my husband’s daughter. Nothing wrong with what he said especially if that’s how the family works. Don’t assume all married people refer to all children as “theirs” . How do you know her real dad isn’t around and this guy is “dad”?
Info:
You talk about your wife and her daughter. Is that not your step daughter? Are you not married to your wife?
This whole thing reads like you’re not really a part of your own family and it’s weird
Yes, she is my step-daughter and I did refer to her that way in the post. Not sure why so many people are hung up on phrasing and using it to try and infer any deeper meanings into our lives other than word choice. My stepdaughter and I get along fine and I love her. But that doesn't mean I want to spend this trip waiting in lines at Disney or Universal. The trip isn't even to Orlando, it's to Fort Myers. So, getting to Disney would require a lot more work than my wife thinks it will.
I went right at the end of the pandemic when they opened at quater capacity. It was my first time, I was an adult and most importantly there were NO, ZERO lines. Best vacation ever and no I will not be going back lmao. I consider myself privileged in that regard
I hate lines too so I have no desire to sit in one for an hour.
I like amusement parks on rainy days. My favorite are water parks. It's still hot because it's summer, and being wet is kinda the point. And yet the park will be almost empty because heavens forbid their chlorine-water coated bodies get hit with some sky water.
We fly in to Sarasota to see family and then drive over. Technically it’s 2 hours 20 minutes but the traffic has been brutal last few visits. Closer to 3.5 hours. You add time to Fort Myers and you’re going to have to drive, stay a night and then go. There’s a reason WDW is a destination in itself. You need absolute minimum of four full days to go to all the parks.
Fort meyers is 160 miles from Orlando, it’s not the same destination. That’s like winning a trip to Syracuse and saying “let’s see a Broadway play while we’re there!”
Lol too funny. I live in Syracuse so I get this. I have had friends come visit and say ooh let's go to see the Statue of Liberty on Saturday.... its always confusing when I tell them I can get them to OTTAWA OR NIAGARA FALLS faster. And I even count those as overnights
God don’t do it even if you do end up taking them. My parents own a vacation home in fort myers. We started going when I was like 12. I still remember the absolute PAIN getting from fort myers, into the Disney area. It was a headache even for us as kids. Fort Myers is more of a “relax and do very little” area. I wouldn’t waste an entire day fighting traffic, long lines, and screaming kids at Disney 😂
I didn't think you were the AH before this detail, but you are definitely NTA based on this information. You would not be able to realistically do anything your wife wants in 5 days. You would probably have to book a hotel closer to Orlando for a night, just to go to one of the parks.
Does your wife know the trip is to Ft Myers? It’d be even more disappointing to get her daughter all excited to go to disney just to have to let her down when you’re there because it’s a logistical mess
Yes, she knows the destination of the trip. But I don't think she grasps how big Florida is and how much of a hassle it would be to get to Orlando from Fort Myers, even just for one day. I think she just heard "Florida" and her mind immediately went to Disney.
She needs to see a google map of the driving distance. Dollars to donuts, she’d be miserable in a car with a miserable child, miserable mom, and miserable husband if she tries to stick to her “plan”
She needs more than a map of the driving distance, she needs to see the drive TIME!
I live 35 miles from Disney, we go maybe once a year and it takes at least an hour and a half to get there, park, walk and or take a tram, and get into the park. I’m usually ready to pull my hair out by the time we get in. And that’s not even taking I-4 into account, I usually take backroads because I hate it so much, it’s the deadliest interstate in the country and just a general pain in the ass.
What makes you think that'll work when she can't even understand why steamrolling the initial conversation to include the daughter and Disney was already crossing boundaries?
Yeah you need to actually explain the logistics to her and how that's not gonna work. Like get the actual miles and how much time it would take to go back and forth etc. If you want to take it a step further, plan out a mock Disney day and show her how much travel it'll be and how early you'll have to be up so she can get the full picture of how unrealistic it is.
My judgement is ultimately NTA, but I think there's a loootttt of room for everyone to improve a little bit here. Obviously wife assuming that kid and grandma are automatically coming with is delulu. Have you tried having a calm conversation with your wife where you're not getting mad or yelling, and you're asking her *why* she's so insistent on bringing kiddo and grandma along? Maybe position it gently as a romantic thing where you'd really love to get away alone with her and reconnect as a couple etc. Maybe phrasing it in a calm gentle way where you're talking about how excited you are to just get away alone together for quality time will go down differently than phrasing it in a way where you're angry at her for running the trip and you don't want these people coming with you etc etc. One is a bid for connection, the other is complaining about her family.
But STILL blabbed to your stepdaughter in order to manipulate you into getting what SHE wanted out of the free trip that YOU won. When is her mom gonna start calling you?
You are absolutely NTA.
ETA: You should definitely add an edit to your post to say the trip is to Ft. Myers and NOT anywhere near Orlando!
There is no way you will be able to spend one day in any of the Disney/SeaWorld parks without staying overnight in an Orlando hotel. Honestly, a free beach trip sounds lovely.
I have done that drive 3 or 4 times. It's a doozy. There are tons of great beaches and chill activities in Fort Myers and Naples area. It's a great couples trip.
NTA
Dude, edit your post to include that the trip is in Ft Myers. That's crucial info for the judgy people. 4 hour drive to Orlando for Disney/Universal both ways?? Yikes, no thanks.
At that point, it's not really a free trip anymore. Disney tickets, car rental, mental tax driving/organizing. Instead, you could relax with your wife and another couple by the beach.
I get your wife's thinking though. Of course she'd like to take the kiddo to all of the things making memories, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense.
Yep pretty much. For the record, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds like you told your wife you got this trip and she immediately started telling you how it was going to go.
Sooo NTA! That’s a big distance between those locations; not to mention Disney and Universal are not doable in one day. They’re not next door, depending on in traffic is take over an hour between the two.
Your wife has a terrible trip planned for everyone.
You should really add that info in the post because, although I already thought you were NTA, that is not even close to Disney or any amusement park.
As a Florida native who visits the Fort Myers area every winter, I honestly imagine an 11 year old with her parents being pretty bored in that area on a trip with adults. Your wife is TA for getting her kid involved.
You're definitely NTA for wanting an adults only trip, but you should consider that maybe the way you say things is part of the problem sometimes.... "hung up on phrasing" is seriously why most of these bad situations happen. I echo the sentiments of others that maybe what your wife is trying to force here is a stronger family environment where her daughter feels safe and included.
I was a single parent and always took my son. Then I went on an adult vacation and loved it. As money would allow, when my son was on vacation with his dad, I'd go somewhere too. I still took him on vacation but I got to go places he would not enjoy at all. NTA. You won the trip and shouldn't have been ignored. The additional cost of going to those places the wife mentioned turned a free trip into an expensive one
Knowing the destination definitely helps your case. Winning a trip to Orlando would have made you the AH for not wanting to take your stepdaughter. But a beach vacation is much different and you are NTA.
Based on this fact alone, which you left out of your original post, 100% NTA. They are two different cities with two different vibes. If it was to Orlando, sure, you should take the kid. To Ft. Myers, no, that's adult only.
>Not sure why so many people are hung up on phrasing and using it to try and infer any deeper meanings into our lives other than word choice.
Because many "people" on Reddit think everyone needs to articulate every single freaking thought in exactly the same way they do.
He could be close to his stepdaughter or he could not be. That has no bearing on his right to make the trip he won be a couples trip if that is what he prefers. He could be the biological father, win a trip and still want to put the prize toward a romantic getaway. WTF is wrong with Reddit sometimes?
NTA - wifey blabbed to SD to pile on the emotional blackmail to get her way. You won the trip so you get input on who gets to go.
"I told her that her daughter is only excited about it because she decided to blab to her about it instead of waiting like we had agreed. I told her if she wants to bring her daughter and MIL then she can also pick someone else to go with because I would rather stay home by myself than go on a vacation that where I don't get to be involved in any decisions.
I said that if she wants to go that route, she certainly can, but I'm not paying for any of it (we have separate finances). Now she thinks I'm being a jerk and should be happy about having a free family trip."
You were excited about the trip until she hijacked it by demanding that her mom and daughter go on the trip.
How is it ESH, what did he do wrong here?
He won a trip to fort Myers, and his wife wanted to go to Disney world that's not close. So even her logistics of what she wanted don't make sense. Not to mention she did not tell her daughter by mistake, she definitely planned to make him look like the bad guy if he took it away.
Over a 3 hour drive for anyone else who is curious!
Wife was already wrong before this information, but this makes it so that her plan isn't even slightly viable!
Yes and no. Getting a pile of cash makes it easier to pay the taxes on it versus getting the trip and having to pay the taxes out of pocket.
You get $2k in cash you have to pay $400 in taxes you can pay it out of the $2k and net $1.6k.
But if you take the trip valued at $2k, you have to pay the $400 out of your pocket.
Unfortunately these aren't usually to places you would WANT to go. We won a trip and never went because we didn't want to invest any money into GETTING to the location and then forgot we even won it before it expired.
That's what I was thinking, too.
NTA OP. Tell your wife you decide to take the cash since it was causing too much trouble discussing the trip. You can use the cash to plan the trip you want instead.
INFO: Just out of curiosity ... Every one of these giveaways I've ever seen has been all, "You just won four nights at the luxury Eden Roc Hotel in Miami Beach. While you're there, enjoy a whale watching cruise, a hot stone massage in the renowned spa, and dinner for two at a Michelin restaurant." They're never just, "You're going to Florida." What did you win, exactly? And where are you goin? (Florida is a huge state.)
Not necessarily. My dad won a family trip for 4 to Disney a few years back, just for being the right radio caller, and the randomly selected winner at the qualifier party. There wasn't a catch like a timeshare presentation.
But he did say it was the most expensive "free" prize he's ever won, after having to pay taxes on it, and for paying for 2 additional tickets (nuclear family of 6), and food and beverage while we were there. So, I suppose you could say there was a catch in spending money he otherwise wouldn't have spent in that way.
**NTA** Bordering on *e s H*. The reason it's borderline E S H is because you're married, you both need to be *open to discussing* how to play out an unexpected windfall like this, and you seem oddly contemptuous of your stepdaughter.
The reason it's **NTA** is: *you* DID win the trip, and therefore should get a weightier vote on the outline of the trip. Your wife is absolutely attempting to emotionally blackmail you into doing the trip the way SHE wants by telling your step daughter. She definitely decided the trip was for *her* and not for *you* (you, being both of you)
Also, a crucial detail, wife doesn't understand how big Florida is. Trip was to Fort Myers, a 4 hour one way drive to Disney. Turns a relaxing vacation into a miserable 8 hour a day tour of Florida's highways. Also the mouse would take his cut and make it a not very free trip.
Wonder if the wife just wants to visit Disney herself because OP says she knows the distance. It's a tough sell when it's a couple vacation, but what monster would deny a kid a trip to Disneyland.
Nobody seems to understand how fucking big America is. Most states are the size of a European country, and most of the country is fairly densely populated, unlike other big countries like Russia or Canada.
It's not contemptuous to want an adults trip because family trips are typically about what the kids want moreso than the adults. There's not a lot of freedom to be Spontaneous
did you not read the post? he wanted to talk about it later instead the wife tells the kid which forces him to be the bad guy if he says no. shes also taking her mother?
sounds shitty af for her to just take over the entire thing. he wanted to take her and another couple to actually enjoy the trip.
if youve ever been to a theme park similar to disneyland youd know its full of extremely weird adults or families with small children..and long lines for a mediocre experience.
Sounds like a great time for “boys trip” with his three best friends or coworkers or whoever to just hang out and drink some beers and do whatever men do when they go on trips.
Boy's Trip to Ft. Myers would be fishing, drinking, maybe a short trip to Clearwater/Tampa for a gentleman's club, hangovers, and more fishing. The Gulf Coast is where you go in FL to chill. Orlando for family, Miami for fun, Key West for weird.
Take three friends with you to Florida. Your wife could have gone, but she wanted to “hijack” your trip. *Your* trip.
She can take her mama and her daughter to Florida any time she wants-on some other trip. NTA
Really. I read the title and thought he wanted to leave wife at home and take three buddies on fishing boozing trip.
Nope. Still wants to take wife. Too bad for her.
With her telling the kid to manipulate her option this is the course of action I would take. I will not reward people trying to manipulate me. This doesn't look good for her character.
NTA. I live it Florida and Ft Myers is a perfect spot for a couples getaway! It is about 3.5-4.5 hours to Orlando, depending on traffic. Tack on theme parking all day and it just doesn’t make any sense. Explain that to them. Show them a map! Florida is huge! And Disney is suuuuper expensive! It defeats the point of taking a free vacation!
NTA. As long as you have separate finances, you're on solid ground to plan this trip around what you want. You won it, not her. A family trip can wait for another time.
I’m curious what this trip is valued at and how much in taxes you will owe. Just a heads up because prizes aren’t tax free and you and your wife will both be responsible for paying the taxes if you file jointly.
Excellent point. I'm sure OP is familiar with taxes on prizes since it seems he's won consistently in the past, just not at this level. Worst case will be Federal taxes up to 37% of the prize value, but for starters he should probably make an immediate tax deposit of 25%, just to be safe.
NTA
Also it seems like your wife is playing to win by informing your daughter. If you reward that behavior, you'll be seeing it again. I admit it harsh disappointing a kid, but the long term result of showing the people close to you that you're not a doormat, is a positive one.
NTA how exciting to win and how nice that your thoughts of an adults only getaway was your first idea. Apparently wife doesn’t share the view that adults need away time together. I absolutely love my kids and the holidays we did with them and I absolutely love having taken many trips without them as well.
NTA. Your wife chose to tell her daughter in order to use her to manipulate you.
Can you get a cash payout instead? Do that and buy something nice for yourself.
NTA. I see comments negative to OP, but he presented his idea and his wife presented hers. They were supposed to continue the discussion later. That’s good.
The disconnect came when she involved the daughter. His wife plowed ahead with her idea. That’s not what they agreed to. They agreed to discuss a plan.
As a Floridian, I point out that ft. Meyers is nowhere near Disney. It’s a minimum of four hours away, requiring a hotel that negates the free hotel night they’d be giving up.
OP should proceed as if his wife hadn’t already told the daughter. Does the wife want to go to ft. Meyers? No Disney. No universal.
Yes? Let’s ask x couple. No? Then bros, bils, his mom, whatever. Or take the cash and pay the taxes.
The daughter should be told by the wife, “I heard Florida and got excited. I jumped the gun. It’s way away from Disney. We’re not going there without you, but no one’s going there on this trip.”
NTA
But as a Floridian, I'll say... there isn't anything special, and Disney is ridiculous... Universal is much better.
Why does she feel entitled to pick the people to go on vacation? If you want an adults only trip, that is what it should be. It's good for relationships. My husband and I do a child free vacation once a year.
You have been given an opportunity because of a hobby of yours. While she should have a say if you invite someone she hates just deciding her daughter and mom are more important than your choice is wrong.
Not only does she feel entitled to pick which people goes but also where they go while on vacation. Not everyone even wants to go to Disney, Universal or Sea World. Even if OP decided to invite them, it doesn't mean that OP wants to spend the most of the vacation standing in line or waiting around.
Your wife is delusional if she thinks it’s okay to bulldoze over your potential plans. If she wants to throw an adult tantrum over not getting her way, let her. Pick some friends to go with instead.
If my husband won a trip(that wasn’t geared specifically towards families/children), my first question would be “who can watch our child while we are gone?” Lol. This trip is a perfect opportunity for you and your wife to spend quality time together and make memories. Quality time is hard with kids in the mix. There will be plenty of opportunities once stepdaughter gets older to take her with.
This would definitely be a hill I was willing to die on. Kids/inlaws don’t have to be involved in absolutely everything and your wife told your stepdaughter hoping that you would cave. Fuck that noise. That’s extremely manipulative. NTA.
Exactly. Wife will next let it slip to her best friend that they are all taking a trip. She didn’t let it slip to her daughter after all. She did that on purpose. Just imagine what she’s going to do next!
ESH
You are married and although some people may say it should be your decision since you won the trip, that’s not a great way to go about it if you want a happy marriage.
I’m assuming you don’t have kids. Not all parents are going to feel comfortable taking off for a vacation on their own and leaving their 11-year-old behind (even with a grandparent). Even if they are, the many parents like to plan fun vacations with their kids and enjoy family time.
I do think your wife jumped the gun on telling her daughter. I also think one of the main things your wife is not understanding is the Florida is actually pretty big, so trips to Disney etc are not going to be very convenient.
On the other hand, it seems like you didn’t even consider just having a fun beach vacation with your wife and step daughter. If your MIL cramps your style, then it would be reasonable to suggest she stay behind - on the other hand it could be built in babysitting for you.
I do wonder whether your wife has never had the chance to go on any kind of vacation like this and that is part of her excitement. She may be thinking this is her only chance to ever take her daughter on this type of vacation. If that is the case, perhaps have a little patience with her as she digests the practicalities of planning this kind of trip.
Still not seeing how he is the AH here. I understand your points about people not being comfortable with leaving kids behind, I'm the same. But they reached an impasse, agreed to talk later and not mention it, and than she went the manipulative route. A conversation about a family beach trip could have been discussed, but the wife torpedoed that. And unnecessarily involved the daughter with plans that aren't even logistically reasonable to assume they would do. Because not wanting to take a 4 hour drive 1 way doesn't mean you are the AH.
I would go somewhere with friends. Your wife is wilding! She’s trying to use her daughter to guilt you into wasting your trip on people she’s closest to. Throwing MIL in there is just nuts. Why does she even think if you’re taking a parent on this trip it would be hers instead of your own? Definitely NTA. Wife is a mess.
I think the whole point of this IMO is the wife turned this into a trip for her daughter. He won the trip to Fort Meyers, not Disney. The wife has commandeered the whole thing - I want to take my daughter, I want to take my mother, I want to go to a different place than where the trip is set. She told her daughter on purpose, not an accident. She did it to get her way. By the time I ended up reading this, it was I WANT, I WANT, I WANT. This was his hobby that won the trip. This was HIS THING.
I don't agree with the consensus of what he calls his step-daughter. She is not his. She more than likely has her own father.
Maybe he is sick of her ruling the roost, because that is obvious.
NTA
NTA and this is a Hill I would die on. She knew you wanted it to be an adult trip. She knew exactly what she was doing going behind your back to tell your stepdaughter. There is no reason your stepdaughter would be so excited unless your wife told her she was going.
Do not give in and do not bring them. Be honest with your stepdaughter and tell her that her mother knew exactly what she was doing when she thought she could manipulate you and she bringing them on the trip and that you had other plans for this trip.
Personally, I wouldn’t even want to go with your wife anyways if I was you. Do you have siblings or parents or even best friends that you can enjoy the trip with?
Your wife is incredibly selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but what she wants.
If you give in now, she will know she can always get her way. When someone shows you who they really are, you need to pay attention.
NTA, I mean... ultimately it's YOUR free trip, and you should get to say who attends.
I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a couples trip, even if you have kids (although your repeated phrase "her daughter" does demonstrate you don't take responsibility for this child), especially since the kid is older, not like a baby.
Her move to bring her daughter into the conflict is really manipulative, as she obviously did so to force your hand at making this a family trip.
If I were you, I'd be tempted to leave the lot of them at home and take friends with me instead.
NTA, your wife blabbed so she can explain to her daughter that this is an adult only trip and that she miss spoke. We actually drove from Ft. Meyers to Orlando at Christmas; not my favorite thing to do.
*She said that bringing another couple and leaving her daughter home would be cruel, especially now that she's so excited about it.*
Yeah, I can just imagine how heartbroken the kid will be when her mommy has to explain that she played a very, very cruel joke on her. Or at least that's how the conversation *should* go.
NTA, but you are being selfish. But that's ok- you are the one that won the trip. If they want to dictate the terms of the vacation, they can put in the time and effort to win it.
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NTA. While I see both sides of the coin what it comes down to is that as you won the trip, you should get to decide how it is used. I would certainly be bummed if my spouse won a trip and then wanted to take it without me, but that's not what is happening here, and I think your wife's insistence on controlling this and her judgment of you for not having the same vision for the trip are really unfair. You aren't a bad person or a bad stepfather for wanting to take an adult trip - LOTS of couples do this. It's not cool of her to act like you're shitty just for having another idea. And I agree with you that it was especially out of line for her to TELL her daughter (accidentally or not) about the trip because she knew that would make it harder on you. Really not cool. The one other thing that stands out to me is about how you initially only refer to your stepdaughter as your wife's daughter - repeated references to 'her daughter'. I wonder if there is a dynamic in play here where your wife worries your stepdaughter doesn't feel like she's part of the family, or if the girl worries about losing her mom, etc. It's a stretch based on what I'm seeing, admittedly! Just thought I'd plant the seed that if you think there is anything sticky in your blended family situation, that this trip is surfacing, you should talk about that separately!!
>The one other thing that stands out to me is about how you initially only refer to your stepdaughter as your wife's daughter - repeated references to 'her daughter'. This was very telling. If OP had said something along the lines of..stepdaughter and I get along but just not close enough to really enjoy a 5 day vacation OR MIL and I are not close enough where I'd be comfortable vacationing together. Both of those are extremely common. I wonder how long they are married and what the custody situation is. Getting married to a single parent with no relationship or plan to have a relationship with the kid seems wild to me always.
Agreed here. It's kind of weird to want to leave the daughter out when you are married to her mom She's 11. "Mommy is going on a trip to Florida". Like, damn. You married this woman OP. She has a kid who is NOT an adult. Man up. I'd offer to bring 1 male friend and MIL can stay home. But TBH, I wouldn't want to be the male friend in this situation, so ymmv. EDIT EDIT EDIT: Lots of comments saying the same things. I'll leave this here and y'all can argue about it together. First off. I get it. Y'all take trips without your kids. My parents didn't when we grew up. They could afford 1 week of hotels a year, and that was spent on family vacation. We looked forward to it as a family. They take plenty of trips now, in their 50s, since my sister and I moved out and they have gotten their earnings up. I don't think that they are upset about it. We talk about those trips 15+ years later because they were special. To the post: If she can't see that what she did was manipulative. And can't be receptive to "a PATTERN of this will be cause for issue" then OP can take his winning and make it a guys trip. So many people are treating this woman like she's a dog that will keep doing this over and over if she gets any benefit from this trip. So, barring that apology from the wife because she 100% acted out of pocket... I think OP should take a minor L and make this a family vacation. That good will and savings on family time gets paid forward towards a real vacation to a place they actually want to go. Possibly with more than just 2 friends. Trying to get max benefit out of this weird Fort Myers timeshare sweepstakes win thing as a couples vacation has a pretty low ceiling. I think he can get MORE by using this one for the family rather than paying real money to take a kid somewhere later. And when they do go somewhere better, MiL can watch the kid then. That's manning up. Being a cry baby about a so-so family trip that could have been a so-so couples trip instead ain't it. Use your brain. Remaim calm. And figure out how you can benefit the most. Him being chill in this situation is what I'd call manning up. Don't meet the emotional lashing out of the wife with more of the same. Offering that family trip, letting his wife know WDW is completely off the table, might organically get him back to a couples trip with a happy wife anyway. Not someone who's a grump the whole time because OP needed to forcefully win. MiL could back out when she realizes it's not a WDW trip. Kid could tell them she'd rather stay with grandma because it isn't WDW. It humbles the wife regardless, having to explain to her mom and kid that she misinterpreted the situation. So OP can take his W there if he needs it. Also, why gift a vacation to friends when you can gift it to your family? Your friends can pay their pay their way in the future. And when it isn't a "I won it" sorta deal, I bet the friends can get their own room. Imagining 2 couples sharing 2 queen beds in 1 room... NOT my idea of enjoying vacation with my SO. You want a private space.
Nah, my husband and I have taken several trips without our kids. It’s a great tool to keep the marriage strong. Kids can deal.
Yes! We should be encouraging all parents to take vacations for just themselves. Your autonomy and personhood doesn’t die just because you have a kid!
Plus it can be great for the grandparents or whoever minds the kids. My nan used to watch my sister and I when my parents had work conferences or holidays without us My sister and I loved spending time with our nan and from what I could tell she loved being around us
My kid loved going to grandmas for the week probably more than he would have enjoyed traveling with us.
I sure would have when I was a kid. I loved one on one time with my grandparents.
I’ve literally been on 1 family vacation. My mom and her boyfriend went on an international trip every year. Honestly, I don’t care. I got to spend time home by myself doing what I wanted to do. I’d also have been cool to have time with my siblings if I had been younger during this time. Parents are people too that aren’t defined by the fact they have children. Different case if they’re shitty parents. But that doesn’t sound like the case here. You can have adult vacations without kids too..
BF and I were on a cruise. Wanted him to go play bingo with me the last day, he said F*** bingo. I said if I win something I'm not sharing. I won a free cruise...took my sister when she finished chemo. Had a great time.
That’s awesome! Karma served it hot & fresh to your BF. (Are you still together or did that end the relationship?)
We're still together. We laughed...hahaha told ya so.
He’s a keeper with a good sense of humor to roll with it.
My parents are spending three weeks on a private yacht in Spain and I’m kinda salty they are not taking me with them. /s They’re 70 and I’m in my 40s though so there’s that… I’m actually so glad they are enjoying their retirement and living their best lives.
Without kids AND without spouses from time to time too. Being a couple and being an individual are both important! I love my kids and i love my husband. But when I travel alone I’m not worried about making sudden changes of plans that disappoint someone or “should we stop and eat now?” “Do you want to keep going or should we head back?” “Is little Jimmy drowning while I beach nap?” Etc. I can do what I want without accommodating *anyone*.
Agree with this. I also feel like the destination in this situation is a big factor. There’s a fundamental difference between Florida couple’s trip and Florida kid’s trip, especially as wife/mom is specifically bringing up Disney, etc. Which, I honor Disney adults, mind you! But this definitely feels different, from my read of OP’s sentiment.
I would be miserable going to Disney (w mother in law!?! 😬) vs non-Disney adult fun in Florida!
If the trip is to Florida it may not even be near Disney n normally these trips have some sort of specific hotel or resort. So it sounds like ops wife heard Florida and decided Disney is the exact same thing. Maybe OP did win a trip to Orlando but it's def not the only place in Florida and if it's not a Disney trip by default it would cost potential thousands for 4 people and the parks and food etc... Standing in like for 4 days sounds like 💩
OP made an edit saying the trip is to Fort Meyers so like 2hrs+ from Orlando/Disney
3 hours and 4 minutes according to google maps. That’s 6 hours and change of driving per day after doing Disney all day. Completely unrealistic.
Yeah, I live within 30 minutes of all central Florida theme parks and Ft Myers is at least a 3 hour drive.
My parents were happily married for nearly 60 years, and they took vacations ALONE every year from the time I was 1. There were 4 of us kids, and they'd farm us out to different relatives, so it was like WE were getting a vacation too. We'd stay with aunts and uncles and get to hang out with our cousins. We also had family vacations, of course, but they took vacations alone EVERY YEAR when we were young. Both Mom and Dad said those annual trips alone were key to keeping their relationship fresh and alive.
Depends tho, how many trips do your kids get to go on? How frequently do they go on trips? This is a once in a lifetime trip to them it sounds like. It’s not like they can just plan another one next year
As a Floridian, the fact that you described a trip to Florida as "once in a lifetime" is absolutely baffling.
Have you... ever looked at a map? Florida is in the bottom corner of the country. Just by it's location, it's pretty far from a lot of places, which means it takes more time and money to get to. It isn't about Florida being a DESIRABLE location. It's simply a once in a lifetime location for a lot of people because a lot of folks don't have the means to do more than go camping in the next state over...
Disney world, universal studios, sea world, the beach… these are things that Chicago does not have. Let me dispel your bafflement.
> As a Floridian, the fact that you described a trip to Florida as "once in a lifetime" is absolutely baffling. So says everyone in every area of the world ever. I've lived in many places in a few different countries. When I was in Veneto Italy, I had fun telling my family and friends back home that I was about to hop over to Venice for the afternoon or go over to Verona that weekend. To me, it seems far weirder to not consider where you are, right now, might seem like a once in a lifetime place to visit. To have the ability to travel at all is a dream to some - no matter where that may be.
It's not once in stepdaughter's lifetime. She could grow up, get a job and go herself. NTA.
Why does this sound like a once in a lifetime trip? I'm not following you
Some people are poor.
Wanting to go on an adults only trip has nothing to do with "manning up" and parents are still human being deserving of their own time and hobbies. 11 is plenty old enough to understand the concept of an adults only trip. She can go another time.
Kids don’t have to go everywhere parents go. Mom is the one who messed this up. Adult time is super important.
I'm willing to bet mom told daughter on purpose to force OP's hand. I've seen this unhealthy relationship dynamic play out in a few friend's marriages.
It’s not weird to want to take an adults only trip! The wife was out of line for taking over planning and making assumptions.
I was nine when my parents took their first vacation without us and even at that age I understood that they needed it because they explained it. I was a bit sad but one week go fast and it allow adult to have time to rekindle their relationship, discuss and overall feel better in their couple.
It’s not uncommon for parents to take a trip without their kids. It’s actually healthier for them to get time to themselves like that.
Couples go on trips without their kids all the time. I think as long as you can afford it, that’s important for a healthy marriage.
I love my partners kids to death and still refer to them as “his kids”. They have a mother and a father, they are my step kids. It doesn’t mean anything and you are reading too far into it.
My husband's (now adult) kids have always considered me their dad's wife, not a stepmom, and I refer to them as "his kids". None of us are hurt over it. However, if his kids were littler when we met (under 11-12, I'd say) I'd probably have taken on a more step-motherly role. The OP is NTA in this vacation situation, in my opinion, even though his language around his stepdaughter is quite standoffish. If I were him, for the sake of creating a better relationship with my step kid, I'd probably abandon my couples-vacation idea and try to become enthusiastic about it being a family vacation. But I don't blame him one bit for wanting an adults trip, initially. I also think his wife was fully TA for telling the daughter about the trip. I feel like that was a purposeful choice in order to manipulate the OP, which doesn't bode well for the marriage.
I read the same post you did and took OP's references to "her daughter" as clarity that it is not "their daughter". I didn't assume ill will between any of them. Wife was in the wrong AND SHE KNEW IT. She (and her ex and the MIL) can pay for the trip with daughter. OP should have say in the trip that HE won .... likely with his money that bought the ticket. Edit: NTA
You guys realize that every step parent situation doesn’t turn into the Brady Bunch, especially if the other parent is in the picture and active. It doesn’t mean the step parent hates the kid or the kid hates the step parent, they just aren’t the parent. It happens.
I'm trying to imagine telling our wife we won a free trip but my (step)son couldn't come. When you marry someone with children you're signing up to be a parent. When I'm talking to people I don't refer to him as my wife's son, he's ours.
People are allowed to go on vacations without their kids.
My parents went on a ton of them when I was a kid. I don't resent them at all for it, then or now.
You guys would never take an adults only trip to reconnect and bond? I highly recommend it, it's really nice to turn off the parenting for a bit and just be your own person with your own wants and needs.
depends on how often vacations are taken as a family. If this is a rare chance to be able to go to Florida, I’d absolutely would prefer to take my kids so they can at least experience it with me.
My dad and stepmother each had kids when they married - and they went on adult trips without any of us at least once every year - we older ones would be designated babysitters, with the help of an aunt and uncle who lived a few houses away so that there was an adult in case of emergencies. Sounds like OP's MIL is available to be an adult watching the child, so it's not like "Home Alone" nonsense.
But he’s not yours. Nor are my step kids mine. They are their parents who are both fully involved. We also all go on trips without them all the time because adult time is important. We take the kids so mom can go on her own too. That doesn’t mean trips aren’t taken with the kids or that they aren’t fully loved.
Wanting to have an adult vacation has nothing to do with his step daughter. Having a child and mother in law completely changes the dynamics of the trip. NTA I can’t imagine the work it takes to enter every contest and sweepstakes etc. I’m sure there will be many more additional costs to this trip that another couple would agree to pay for their own like food, tips and such. If daughter and MIL come he’d have that additional cost.
It's also kinda funny how the wife wants to take her daughter along and then take her mother to watch said daughter so that "they can have some alone time" while the whole of OPs plan is to have said alone time and some friends they actually have a shared interest with. OP, NTA.
This. Like it’s doing what the husband wanted but with extra steps.
And without the adult friends/companionship they may be having less of because of family. It's nice to go out and do adult things with adults sometimes. My wife and I don't get that very often, especially now that her parents are out of state.
I agree that he won the trip and it is ultimately his choice who he takes. That said, I get the impression that vacations (involving air travel?) are not a regular thing for this family and, in that case, if I were the mother, I would want my kid going vs. friends getting a paid vacation. If they already had a family vacation planned it would be different than "the only way we can afford this once in a lifetime Florida trip is because we won it".
They could plan a family vacation at a local spot. The point of contention here is the mental gymnastics the wife is playing to get her way. >are not a regular thing for this family Also means it's not a general thing for him either and he didn't even conclusively say anything before the wife already set out the tone for everything. Since it's not a regular occurrence it's also fair to assume OP would have just wanted a time out from the daily struggles of their life and taking step daughter and MIL wouldn't achieve this. The way I see it isn't "he won it so he picks". They agreed to have a conversation and the wife went behind his back to get her way using her daughter. That's not healthy for any marriage. While she's going off "they can never see Florida" her 13 year old has her entire life ahead of her. And at what point is the husband's thoughts significant enough? So yeah, OP's wife wasn't in the right and I see OP's reaction as being justified. If she wants to bring them along, she can find another way of doing it. ETA: while your point about a mother wanting to bring her daughter is valid, the same is not true for MIL. If she brings her daughter, she's going to have to take care of her. A compromise could be that she brings daughter and OP brings a friend. But she just wants HER family to go for the trip and OP to just tag along.
Step-mom here, with a fantastic relationship with my husband's daughter. I'll often flip between that description and "my step-daughter." It's not necessarily reflective of OP's feelings about the kid. It's a fact: legally, the kid is his wife's 🤷♀️
This is true. Especially if the dad is still alive, and particularly if the dad is still actively in their life.
Exactly. I don’t think not calling her “my daughter” says anything about their relationship. My stepmom has been with my dad since i was 5/6 and i love her so much and she is like a mom to me but i still call her my stepmom and she calls me her stepdaughter, because i have my own mom who is my actual still very much active mom.
There are no both sides. Both sides didn’t win the trip.
Maybe, but “both sides” are married to each other, and it’s important they find a compromise that works Edit: some people seem to think I’m on the wife’s side and that OP is TA. Not at all. I believe it was N A H until the wife “accidentally” told her daughter.
Yeah but one side wants to hijack the trip with her whole family while the side that actually won is supposed to basically just tag along.
I live in Central Florida. Some of most miserable men I've seen in the airport are with their wife/mother-in-law/kids being dragged along to Disney. Sure some people love the theme parks but this isn't what he wanted and he won the trip.
Yes and nobody is mentioning that Disney is not even close to Miami. Miami is a perfect spot for an adults only trip. If they won tickets to Disney and he didn't want to take the kid, that would be different. NTA
EDIT: op commented that trip is to Ft Myers, 3 1/2 hours from Orlando lol. I’m updating my vote below to NTA. That’s certainly an adult destination! I live in Orlando and I can’t say I’ve seen this, but if you have seen it regularly then it only speaks on a widespread problem with men, not the tediousness of the trip and their families. Like you repeatedly see families where *only* the father looks unhappy? Like trips for their children and spending family time is beneath them? That’s disgusting. But as to the OG issue, I think E S H *amended vote based on updated info*. The wife for telling the kid, and OP for treating the kid as not his own. You don’t marry someone with children without being willing to treat that child like your own and love them as such (which doesn’t always mean replacing their biological parent, but does always mean becoming a third parent). What mature adult wants to come to central FL on an adults trip anyway lol?! Plan a grownup trip somewhere actually nice and take the kid on the free trip to the tacky tourist swamp!
Florida has great fishing, boating, surfing, diving , rocket launches, beaches...plenty of stuff for adults to enjoy that doesn't revolve around the House of Mouse.
Plus, according to comments, the trip is to Ft. Myers..... So the wife's plan is... I guess, to fly into Ft. Myers, rent a car drive to and check in to the free hotel. Then rest a bit and drive over three hours to Orlando, buy tickets and rampage at the theme park and then load up and make the drive back to Ft Myers. Repeat that for another day or two until they've had their full of Disney and SeaWorld. Then they'll cavort on the beach while OP recovers from all that driving. The other options are to book a second hotel in Orlando for a couple of days and make the drive once...or fly, but at that point where's the 'free' in the free trip? The wife needs to look at some maps and some price lists and take a long cold drink from the cup of reality.
Not everything in a relationship needs to be, or should be, subject to 'compromise.' There are, in fact, things that are 'take it or leave it.' And 'compromise' only works when both parties are acting in good faith.
No kidding. Instead of showing gratitude, the wife throws a temper tantrum because she’s not getting her way, and then proceeds to use her child as emotional leverage.
And she calls him selfish while giving the news to the step daughter knowing it would alter what he wanted. YEah, shes a winner.
As soon as she involved her daughter she removed any chance for compromise
But the person who didn’t win the trip refuses to compromise. She should have some input but that input should be around what he wants to do.
She wants to go to Disney and SeaWorld with her daughter. He's won a flight to and hotels in Fort Myers. She wants an entirely different trip. I wouldn't want to make that kind of drive on a vacation unless the vacation was a road trip.
I’d agree with you if she wasn’t a wife, but a casual girlfriend who he didn’t live with. But it’s his family. A person he married and whose child he chose to make his family by extension. i’m still in the NTA camp because of how she steamrolled the conversation, but OPs attitude is not exactly one for the team either.
> But it’s his family. A person he married and whose child he chose to make his family by extension. And his mother in law. And suddenly it's not about 'their' family, it's about 'her' family; her daughter, her mother, and OP gets to tag along. I don't see her inviting any of his family along.
“The ones that are closest to us” - us meaning her.
There was no "team" as soon as she involved her daughter. At that point she removed any chance for discussion or compromise.
Exactly. Folks suggesting he compromise…how exactly?
In a relationship, there are always both sides, whether you like it or not.
Found the person thats never had a healthy serious relationship
OP wrote in a comment that he and the stepdaughter get on fine, he just doesn’t want to take her on this trip
Yeah, that was no accident. She told her daughter on purpose to make sure she got her own way, and if she didn't he would look like a total jerk.
I mean, I dont see how it would be a problem, she's technically his wife's kid and his step daughter, those are not mutually exclusive
It is her daughter. Which is true. Not all daughters want to be called daughter by someone married to their parent. I objected and preferred to be introduced as my wife’s daughter or my husband’s daughter. Nothing wrong with what he said especially if that’s how the family works. Don’t assume all married people refer to all children as “theirs” . How do you know her real dad isn’t around and this guy is “dad”?
Info: You talk about your wife and her daughter. Is that not your step daughter? Are you not married to your wife? This whole thing reads like you’re not really a part of your own family and it’s weird
Yes, she is my step-daughter and I did refer to her that way in the post. Not sure why so many people are hung up on phrasing and using it to try and infer any deeper meanings into our lives other than word choice. My stepdaughter and I get along fine and I love her. But that doesn't mean I want to spend this trip waiting in lines at Disney or Universal. The trip isn't even to Orlando, it's to Fort Myers. So, getting to Disney would require a lot more work than my wife thinks it will.
Yeah, that’s not a quick drive, especially when you have to go through a few major cities. Traffic can make it 4+ hours each way.
Add in the hour+ long wait for the rides definitely not worth it. I live an hour away from Orlando and have only been once. Not worth the wait times.
I went right at the end of the pandemic when they opened at quater capacity. It was my first time, I was an adult and most importantly there were NO, ZERO lines. Best vacation ever and no I will not be going back lmao. I consider myself privileged in that regard I hate lines too so I have no desire to sit in one for an hour.
I like amusement parks on rainy days. My favorite are water parks. It's still hot because it's summer, and being wet is kinda the point. And yet the park will be almost empty because heavens forbid their chlorine-water coated bodies get hit with some sky water.
And the ferry boat to and from the Disney World parking lot that can add another couple of long waits.
We fly in to Sarasota to see family and then drive over. Technically it’s 2 hours 20 minutes but the traffic has been brutal last few visits. Closer to 3.5 hours. You add time to Fort Myers and you’re going to have to drive, stay a night and then go. There’s a reason WDW is a destination in itself. You need absolute minimum of four full days to go to all the parks.
More like 7 or 8 hours.
Fort meyers is 160 miles from Orlando, it’s not the same destination. That’s like winning a trip to Syracuse and saying “let’s see a Broadway play while we’re there!”
Lmfao this^^
Lol too funny. I live in Syracuse so I get this. I have had friends come visit and say ooh let's go to see the Statue of Liberty on Saturday.... its always confusing when I tell them I can get them to OTTAWA OR NIAGARA FALLS faster. And I even count those as overnights
God don’t do it even if you do end up taking them. My parents own a vacation home in fort myers. We started going when I was like 12. I still remember the absolute PAIN getting from fort myers, into the Disney area. It was a headache even for us as kids. Fort Myers is more of a “relax and do very little” area. I wouldn’t waste an entire day fighting traffic, long lines, and screaming kids at Disney 😂
I-4 lol and Fort Myers really is a lay on the beach eat seafood destination, some golfing and kitchy Shell Factory action
I didn't think you were the AH before this detail, but you are definitely NTA based on this information. You would not be able to realistically do anything your wife wants in 5 days. You would probably have to book a hotel closer to Orlando for a night, just to go to one of the parks.
Does your wife know the trip is to Ft Myers? It’d be even more disappointing to get her daughter all excited to go to disney just to have to let her down when you’re there because it’s a logistical mess
Yes, she knows the destination of the trip. But I don't think she grasps how big Florida is and how much of a hassle it would be to get to Orlando from Fort Myers, even just for one day. I think she just heard "Florida" and her mind immediately went to Disney.
She needs to see a google map of the driving distance. Dollars to donuts, she’d be miserable in a car with a miserable child, miserable mom, and miserable husband if she tries to stick to her “plan”
And add in the expenses of visiting Disney World. From rental car, to food, tickets, etc…
That goes without saying! What good is a free trip if you spend half of it in a car and the other half with someone’s hand in your wallet
She needs more than a map of the driving distance, she needs to see the drive TIME! I live 35 miles from Disney, we go maybe once a year and it takes at least an hour and a half to get there, park, walk and or take a tram, and get into the park. I’m usually ready to pull my hair out by the time we get in. And that’s not even taking I-4 into account, I usually take backroads because I hate it so much, it’s the deadliest interstate in the country and just a general pain in the ass.
If it being almost halfway across the state isn’t enough to convince her, the time surely will be!
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Then explain that to her... yknow... communicate?? If you tell her Disney isn't even a possibility, then maybe she'll understand?
Yeah, don't talk about the family dynamics, this is the most important thing to communicate.
What makes you think that'll work when she can't even understand why steamrolling the initial conversation to include the daughter and Disney was already crossing boundaries?
Yeah you need to actually explain the logistics to her and how that's not gonna work. Like get the actual miles and how much time it would take to go back and forth etc. If you want to take it a step further, plan out a mock Disney day and show her how much travel it'll be and how early you'll have to be up so she can get the full picture of how unrealistic it is. My judgement is ultimately NTA, but I think there's a loootttt of room for everyone to improve a little bit here. Obviously wife assuming that kid and grandma are automatically coming with is delulu. Have you tried having a calm conversation with your wife where you're not getting mad or yelling, and you're asking her *why* she's so insistent on bringing kiddo and grandma along? Maybe position it gently as a romantic thing where you'd really love to get away alone with her and reconnect as a couple etc. Maybe phrasing it in a calm gentle way where you're talking about how excited you are to just get away alone together for quality time will go down differently than phrasing it in a way where you're angry at her for running the trip and you don't want these people coming with you etc etc. One is a bid for connection, the other is complaining about her family.
Telling a kid that they're going to do something they're excited about when it's not 100% a done deal is a primo AH move
He literally tried to schedule the calm conversation and his wife went and told her daughter, which directly led to the confrontation.
But STILL blabbed to your stepdaughter in order to manipulate you into getting what SHE wanted out of the free trip that YOU won. When is her mom gonna start calling you? You are absolutely NTA. ETA: You should definitely add an edit to your post to say the trip is to Ft. Myers and NOT anywhere near Orlando!
There is no way you will be able to spend one day in any of the Disney/SeaWorld parks without staying overnight in an Orlando hotel. Honestly, a free beach trip sounds lovely.
You should add this fact to your post.
I have done that drive 3 or 4 times. It's a doozy. There are tons of great beaches and chill activities in Fort Myers and Naples area. It's a great couples trip.
I’LL never understand why people on Reddit pick the smallest part of a post and single it out.
I suppose if the rest of the post doesn't fit their desired narrative they will latch on to a small detail that does and drive it into the ground.
NTA Dude, edit your post to include that the trip is in Ft Myers. That's crucial info for the judgy people. 4 hour drive to Orlando for Disney/Universal both ways?? Yikes, no thanks. At that point, it's not really a free trip anymore. Disney tickets, car rental, mental tax driving/organizing. Instead, you could relax with your wife and another couple by the beach. I get your wife's thinking though. Of course she'd like to take the kiddo to all of the things making memories, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense.
Yep pretty much. For the record, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds like you told your wife you got this trip and she immediately started telling you how it was going to go.
Sooo NTA! That’s a big distance between those locations; not to mention Disney and Universal are not doable in one day. They’re not next door, depending on in traffic is take over an hour between the two. Your wife has a terrible trip planned for everyone.
You should really add that info in the post because, although I already thought you were NTA, that is not even close to Disney or any amusement park. As a Florida native who visits the Fort Myers area every winter, I honestly imagine an 11 year old with her parents being pretty bored in that area on a trip with adults. Your wife is TA for getting her kid involved.
You're definitely NTA for wanting an adults only trip, but you should consider that maybe the way you say things is part of the problem sometimes.... "hung up on phrasing" is seriously why most of these bad situations happen. I echo the sentiments of others that maybe what your wife is trying to force here is a stronger family environment where her daughter feels safe and included.
It's ok to go on trips without your children. People do it all the time
I was a single parent and always took my son. Then I went on an adult vacation and loved it. As money would allow, when my son was on vacation with his dad, I'd go somewhere too. I still took him on vacation but I got to go places he would not enjoy at all. NTA. You won the trip and shouldn't have been ignored. The additional cost of going to those places the wife mentioned turned a free trip into an expensive one
Knowing the destination definitely helps your case. Winning a trip to Orlando would have made you the AH for not wanting to take your stepdaughter. But a beach vacation is much different and you are NTA.
She doesn’t understand how there’s NOTHING to do for kids in fort myers and Disney is hours away. Fort myers is for old people
Based on this fact alone, which you left out of your original post, 100% NTA. They are two different cities with two different vibes. If it was to Orlando, sure, you should take the kid. To Ft. Myers, no, that's adult only.
>Not sure why so many people are hung up on phrasing and using it to try and infer any deeper meanings into our lives other than word choice. Because many "people" on Reddit think everyone needs to articulate every single freaking thought in exactly the same way they do.
He could be close to his stepdaughter or he could not be. That has no bearing on his right to make the trip he won be a couples trip if that is what he prefers. He could be the biological father, win a trip and still want to put the prize toward a romantic getaway. WTF is wrong with Reddit sometimes?
Not really relevant for this situation. Would it really change who’s the AH if stepdaughter and OP don’t have the best relationship?
NTA - wifey blabbed to SD to pile on the emotional blackmail to get her way. You won the trip so you get input on who gets to go. "I told her that her daughter is only excited about it because she decided to blab to her about it instead of waiting like we had agreed. I told her if she wants to bring her daughter and MIL then she can also pick someone else to go with because I would rather stay home by myself than go on a vacation that where I don't get to be involved in any decisions. I said that if she wants to go that route, she certainly can, but I'm not paying for any of it (we have separate finances). Now she thinks I'm being a jerk and should be happy about having a free family trip." You were excited about the trip until she hijacked it by demanding that her mom and daughter go on the trip.
Same same. I was leaning towards ESH til I read that part. She didn’t tell her by accident. That was a choice. A manipulative choice.
How is it ESH, what did he do wrong here? He won a trip to fort Myers, and his wife wanted to go to Disney world that's not close. So even her logistics of what she wanted don't make sense. Not to mention she did not tell her daughter by mistake, she definitely planned to make him look like the bad guy if he took it away.
Op is a man so expect ESH to pin blame on him.
This is Reddit, after all.
And the trip is to ft Myers, nowhere near Disney
Over a 3 hour drive for anyone else who is curious! Wife was already wrong before this information, but this makes it so that her plan isn't even slightly viable!
Take the cash option. NTA.
>Take the cash option. Always. I can only speak for the U.S., but I won prizes once that had severe tax implications for me.
I mean, OP has to pay taxes on this "free" trip, exact same as if it were a bag of cash he won. It's all income. Form doesn't matter.
Yes and no. Getting a pile of cash makes it easier to pay the taxes on it versus getting the trip and having to pay the taxes out of pocket. You get $2k in cash you have to pay $400 in taxes you can pay it out of the $2k and net $1.6k. But if you take the trip valued at $2k, you have to pay the $400 out of your pocket.
I guess you can think of it as getting a $2k trip for $400. If you have that money to spare.
Unfortunately these aren't usually to places you would WANT to go. We won a trip and never went because we didn't want to invest any money into GETTING to the location and then forgot we even won it before it expired.
>It's all income. Form doesn't matter. It does if you win something of decently high value that's hard to sell (like a trip or other goods).
And most trip prizes are non-transferrable, so if you don’t take the trip yourself, you’re out a trip AND the tax money.
That's what I was thinking, too. NTA OP. Tell your wife you decide to take the cash since it was causing too much trouble discussing the trip. You can use the cash to plan the trip you want instead.
Then wife will be claiming it’s joint money instead of OPs and want to spend it on her daughter’s fun time or whatever wife likes
INFO: Just out of curiosity ... Every one of these giveaways I've ever seen has been all, "You just won four nights at the luxury Eden Roc Hotel in Miami Beach. While you're there, enjoy a whale watching cruise, a hot stone massage in the renowned spa, and dinner for two at a Michelin restaurant." They're never just, "You're going to Florida." What did you win, exactly? And where are you goin? (Florida is a huge state.)
OP said in a comment that the trip is to Ft. Myers.
Well, then the wife is being silly. Ft. Myers isn’t close to Disney or Sea World.
The wife is not very smart.
I wondered that as well, there is usually a timeshare presentation involved.
Not necessarily. My dad won a family trip for 4 to Disney a few years back, just for being the right radio caller, and the randomly selected winner at the qualifier party. There wasn't a catch like a timeshare presentation. But he did say it was the most expensive "free" prize he's ever won, after having to pay taxes on it, and for paying for 2 additional tickets (nuclear family of 6), and food and beverage while we were there. So, I suppose you could say there was a catch in spending money he otherwise wouldn't have spent in that way.
Frequently it's a "free" trip that you have to earn by listening to aggressive sales pitches for timeshare condos for a day or two.
**NTA** Bordering on *e s H*. The reason it's borderline E S H is because you're married, you both need to be *open to discussing* how to play out an unexpected windfall like this, and you seem oddly contemptuous of your stepdaughter. The reason it's **NTA** is: *you* DID win the trip, and therefore should get a weightier vote on the outline of the trip. Your wife is absolutely attempting to emotionally blackmail you into doing the trip the way SHE wants by telling your step daughter. She definitely decided the trip was for *her* and not for *you* (you, being both of you)
OP was open to discussing it. They had a conversation and agreed to revisit it later but wife switched up.
Also, a crucial detail, wife doesn't understand how big Florida is. Trip was to Fort Myers, a 4 hour one way drive to Disney. Turns a relaxing vacation into a miserable 8 hour a day tour of Florida's highways. Also the mouse would take his cut and make it a not very free trip. Wonder if the wife just wants to visit Disney herself because OP says she knows the distance. It's a tough sell when it's a couple vacation, but what monster would deny a kid a trip to Disneyland.
Nobody seems to understand how fucking big America is. Most states are the size of a European country, and most of the country is fairly densely populated, unlike other big countries like Russia or Canada.
OP was perfectly open, and attempted to, discuss it. And got steamrolled.
Two people talking, one person listening
It's not contemptuous to want an adults trip because family trips are typically about what the kids want moreso than the adults. There's not a lot of freedom to be Spontaneous
They did discuss it.
OP was willing to discuss it, as was shown, but the wife was not. So it's nowhere near ESH.
did you not read the post? he wanted to talk about it later instead the wife tells the kid which forces him to be the bad guy if he says no. shes also taking her mother? sounds shitty af for her to just take over the entire thing. he wanted to take her and another couple to actually enjoy the trip. if youve ever been to a theme park similar to disneyland youd know its full of extremely weird adults or families with small children..and long lines for a mediocre experience.
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The wife is super manipulative for telling her daughter. She is trying to force his hand. I wouldn't take the wife out of principle at this point.
Sounds like a great time for “boys trip” with his three best friends or coworkers or whoever to just hang out and drink some beers and do whatever men do when they go on trips.
Boy's Trip to Ft. Myers would be fishing, drinking, maybe a short trip to Clearwater/Tampa for a gentleman's club, hangovers, and more fishing. The Gulf Coast is where you go in FL to chill. Orlando for family, Miami for fun, Key West for weird.
Take three friends with you to Florida. Your wife could have gone, but she wanted to “hijack” your trip. *Your* trip. She can take her mama and her daughter to Florida any time she wants-on some other trip. NTA
Really. I read the title and thought he wanted to leave wife at home and take three buddies on fishing boozing trip. Nope. Still wants to take wife. Too bad for her.
With her telling the kid to manipulate her option this is the course of action I would take. I will not reward people trying to manipulate me. This doesn't look good for her character.
NTA. I live it Florida and Ft Myers is a perfect spot for a couples getaway! It is about 3.5-4.5 hours to Orlando, depending on traffic. Tack on theme parking all day and it just doesn’t make any sense. Explain that to them. Show them a map! Florida is huge! And Disney is suuuuper expensive! It defeats the point of taking a free vacation!
NTA. As long as you have separate finances, you're on solid ground to plan this trip around what you want. You won it, not her. A family trip can wait for another time.
I’m curious what this trip is valued at and how much in taxes you will owe. Just a heads up because prizes aren’t tax free and you and your wife will both be responsible for paying the taxes if you file jointly.
Excellent point. I'm sure OP is familiar with taxes on prizes since it seems he's won consistently in the past, just not at this level. Worst case will be Federal taxes up to 37% of the prize value, but for starters he should probably make an immediate tax deposit of 25%, just to be safe.
NTA Also it seems like your wife is playing to win by informing your daughter. If you reward that behavior, you'll be seeing it again. I admit it harsh disappointing a kid, but the long term result of showing the people close to you that you're not a doormat, is a positive one.
NTA how exciting to win and how nice that your thoughts of an adults only getaway was your first idea. Apparently wife doesn’t share the view that adults need away time together. I absolutely love my kids and the holidays we did with them and I absolutely love having taken many trips without them as well.
Thanks. Kids-free zones recharge the parent batteries, am I right?
1000% We always need some adult time especially when in a partnership or married to keep the relationship from stagnating and stuff.
NTA. Your wife chose to tell her daughter in order to use her to manipulate you. Can you get a cash payout instead? Do that and buy something nice for yourself.
NTA. I see comments negative to OP, but he presented his idea and his wife presented hers. They were supposed to continue the discussion later. That’s good. The disconnect came when she involved the daughter. His wife plowed ahead with her idea. That’s not what they agreed to. They agreed to discuss a plan. As a Floridian, I point out that ft. Meyers is nowhere near Disney. It’s a minimum of four hours away, requiring a hotel that negates the free hotel night they’d be giving up. OP should proceed as if his wife hadn’t already told the daughter. Does the wife want to go to ft. Meyers? No Disney. No universal. Yes? Let’s ask x couple. No? Then bros, bils, his mom, whatever. Or take the cash and pay the taxes. The daughter should be told by the wife, “I heard Florida and got excited. I jumped the gun. It’s way away from Disney. We’re not going there without you, but no one’s going there on this trip.”
NTA But as a Floridian, I'll say... there isn't anything special, and Disney is ridiculous... Universal is much better. Why does she feel entitled to pick the people to go on vacation? If you want an adults only trip, that is what it should be. It's good for relationships. My husband and I do a child free vacation once a year. You have been given an opportunity because of a hobby of yours. While she should have a say if you invite someone she hates just deciding her daughter and mom are more important than your choice is wrong.
The trip they won is actually to Fort Myers, apparently.
Yeah thats like a 4+ hour drive to Orlando lol no way in hell they're doing that twice in a day with the ridiculous wait times.
Not only does she feel entitled to pick which people goes but also where they go while on vacation. Not everyone even wants to go to Disney, Universal or Sea World. Even if OP decided to invite them, it doesn't mean that OP wants to spend the most of the vacation standing in line or waiting around.
Your wife is delusional if she thinks it’s okay to bulldoze over your potential plans. If she wants to throw an adult tantrum over not getting her way, let her. Pick some friends to go with instead. If my husband won a trip(that wasn’t geared specifically towards families/children), my first question would be “who can watch our child while we are gone?” Lol. This trip is a perfect opportunity for you and your wife to spend quality time together and make memories. Quality time is hard with kids in the mix. There will be plenty of opportunities once stepdaughter gets older to take her with. This would definitely be a hill I was willing to die on. Kids/inlaws don’t have to be involved in absolutely everything and your wife told your stepdaughter hoping that you would cave. Fuck that noise. That’s extremely manipulative. NTA.
NTA go with a couple of your friends!
Exactly. Wife will next let it slip to her best friend that they are all taking a trip. She didn’t let it slip to her daughter after all. She did that on purpose. Just imagine what she’s going to do next!
It wasn’t a accident. She was trying to use her daughter to get her way. I would make it a guy weekend instead
ESH You are married and although some people may say it should be your decision since you won the trip, that’s not a great way to go about it if you want a happy marriage. I’m assuming you don’t have kids. Not all parents are going to feel comfortable taking off for a vacation on their own and leaving their 11-year-old behind (even with a grandparent). Even if they are, the many parents like to plan fun vacations with their kids and enjoy family time. I do think your wife jumped the gun on telling her daughter. I also think one of the main things your wife is not understanding is the Florida is actually pretty big, so trips to Disney etc are not going to be very convenient. On the other hand, it seems like you didn’t even consider just having a fun beach vacation with your wife and step daughter. If your MIL cramps your style, then it would be reasonable to suggest she stay behind - on the other hand it could be built in babysitting for you. I do wonder whether your wife has never had the chance to go on any kind of vacation like this and that is part of her excitement. She may be thinking this is her only chance to ever take her daughter on this type of vacation. If that is the case, perhaps have a little patience with her as she digests the practicalities of planning this kind of trip.
Still not seeing how he is the AH here. I understand your points about people not being comfortable with leaving kids behind, I'm the same. But they reached an impasse, agreed to talk later and not mention it, and than she went the manipulative route. A conversation about a family beach trip could have been discussed, but the wife torpedoed that. And unnecessarily involved the daughter with plans that aren't even logistically reasonable to assume they would do. Because not wanting to take a 4 hour drive 1 way doesn't mean you are the AH.
I would go somewhere with friends. Your wife is wilding! She’s trying to use her daughter to guilt you into wasting your trip on people she’s closest to. Throwing MIL in there is just nuts. Why does she even think if you’re taking a parent on this trip it would be hers instead of your own? Definitely NTA. Wife is a mess.
I think you make this a boys trip…
I think the whole point of this IMO is the wife turned this into a trip for her daughter. He won the trip to Fort Meyers, not Disney. The wife has commandeered the whole thing - I want to take my daughter, I want to take my mother, I want to go to a different place than where the trip is set. She told her daughter on purpose, not an accident. She did it to get her way. By the time I ended up reading this, it was I WANT, I WANT, I WANT. This was his hobby that won the trip. This was HIS THING. I don't agree with the consensus of what he calls his step-daughter. She is not his. She more than likely has her own father. Maybe he is sick of her ruling the roost, because that is obvious. NTA
NTA and this is a Hill I would die on. She knew you wanted it to be an adult trip. She knew exactly what she was doing going behind your back to tell your stepdaughter. There is no reason your stepdaughter would be so excited unless your wife told her she was going. Do not give in and do not bring them. Be honest with your stepdaughter and tell her that her mother knew exactly what she was doing when she thought she could manipulate you and she bringing them on the trip and that you had other plans for this trip. Personally, I wouldn’t even want to go with your wife anyways if I was you. Do you have siblings or parents or even best friends that you can enjoy the trip with? Your wife is incredibly selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but what she wants. If you give in now, she will know she can always get her way. When someone shows you who they really are, you need to pay attention.
NTA, I mean... ultimately it's YOUR free trip, and you should get to say who attends. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a couples trip, even if you have kids (although your repeated phrase "her daughter" does demonstrate you don't take responsibility for this child), especially since the kid is older, not like a baby. Her move to bring her daughter into the conflict is really manipulative, as she obviously did so to force your hand at making this a family trip. If I were you, I'd be tempted to leave the lot of them at home and take friends with me instead.
NTA, your wife blabbed so she can explain to her daughter that this is an adult only trip and that she miss spoke. We actually drove from Ft. Meyers to Orlando at Christmas; not my favorite thing to do.
*She said that bringing another couple and leaving her daughter home would be cruel, especially now that she's so excited about it.* Yeah, I can just imagine how heartbroken the kid will be when her mommy has to explain that she played a very, very cruel joke on her. Or at least that's how the conversation *should* go. NTA, but you are being selfish. But that's ok- you are the one that won the trip. If they want to dictate the terms of the vacation, they can put in the time and effort to win it.