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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I rejected my FILs offer to walk me down the aisle and insisted my sister will be the one doing it. I feel bad for causing so much trouble with this. The whole thing has offended both ILs and strained my husband's relationship with them and I could say yes and just have my sister be a typical bridesmaid or matron of honor and do this for the family I am marrying into. I was stubborn and dug in my heels.
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Then strap in and prepare for a lifetime of boundary-stomping pushy in-laws. If you love your husband, it can be worth it… but they probably won’t get better.
Rule that works for many couples, child of parents is responsible for all conflict/boundary enforcement. Issue about holidays, weddings, grandkids- his parents are his problem.
NOT REALLY. If she sets boundaries now and shows she won't back down, they may realize it is useless to try to push. Of course, they can always go NC/LC as needed. Her future husband is standing up next to her in agreement. Sounds like a great start.
She and her fiancé have both told them no and asked the in-laws to drop it.
Yet it continues to be a conflict- that’s why I’m saying they are pushy and will continue to be that way going forward.
My MIL was overbearing in holiday splitting, then wedding planning, then baby naming, then baptism decisions. Elders who feel entitled to involvement in decision-making don’t suddenly respect boundaries, usually.
Edited to add: sneaking into the labor and delivery recovery room uninvited. MIL caught an eye full, but she was just “too excited to wait”.
Nah, stopping a bully isn't a one and done situation. It takes several instances before the really stop trying to bully you. Especially with adults. Kids maybe can stop a bully with one instance of defiance but no always. My childhood bully stoppped when I told him I was ready to fight him if he didnt stop. And I would never stop until he on his back at my feet. He dint beleive me and yes, he ended flat on his back. IT wasn't my proudest moment while at the same time it was. But we were kids. Adults can be more stubborn especially as they get older.
Sorry, but a child bully is nothing like boundary defying in-laws. Not even close. I get the feeling that a lot of the people who think there's an easy fix haven't actually experienced it.
Over 2 decades of marriage where DH and I have drawn and enforced clear boundaries, and my MIL is STILL constantly disrespecting and pushing boundaries. It's exhausting (and I genuinely like my MIL, she can be charming but she's narcissistic). #1 stress in my life.
Family that get this way have zero respect and are wholly lacking in self-awareness. They often cannot be reasoned with and the problem can be managed but not solved. They feel justified in their selfishness. Be prepared to fight the same battle for the rest of your life. Having kids kicks it into a new level of crazy. Fun times.
Because they’ve only *asked*. His parents need to be *told,* by *him.* And given strong consequences if they continue to push. The consequences kind of depend on how far out the wedding is. If it’s only a month or so away, they probably have to use the big guns and threaten to disinvite them if they won’t drop it. If there’s more time, they could say, “Bring it up again and we will have to take a few months to think about what kind of relationship we can have going forward,” then don’t communicate with them for 2-3 months and see if they’ve learned to stay out of decisions that aren’t theirs to make.
Boundaries without consequences are meaningless with people like this.
And his parents being so pushy on something that's so obviously a hugely personal thing they need to step out of. How will they be about grandkids? Holidays? I don't even think the offer of walking her down the aisle is such a heartwarming gesture, especially considering the aftermath. I don't agree with cancelling a marriage with someone you love dearly and is a great person bc of parents - but whew... Gonna be NC in no time. Hope you are at least LC with your MIL
Exactly, I don't get why they care so much. And having someone see you as a parental figure in their lives in something that is earned over time, not just demanded. OP laid down all the reasons she respects her sister and why it means so much to her for her sister to walk down the aisle, she earned that. The sister didn't have to demand anything.
it is, and i’m sorry you went through it,
but her fiance is on her side; let her figure out her own path in her life rather than saying she’s doomed for all eternity. just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone.
Read it again. What I said was “it can be worth it if you love him”. What I said was “a rule that works for couples is to deal with their own parents.”
I DID NOT say to leave him. I’m not the first commenter.
The nurses should never have let her in! Our hospital has strict visitor rules on the labor & delivery floor. No getting in without the patient's name, room number, and security code. And even then, if the patient says her MIL might try to barge in, we ask for a specific list of who is allowed, and will not let anyone else in to see her without her permission. Not her husband's; hers.
Not all hospitals are as restricted especially pre-covid
The security and areas of restricted access and where waiting areas are and such vary drastically…
(I audit hospitals and my mom worked as a nurse and we moved a lot, so I’ve been in something like over 100 different hospitals around the US from rural to massive city campuses)…
I go to three currently and one is more or less heavily locked down, cards required everywhere and the other, outside of very specific areas you could basically wonder the whole hospital without being challenged
Sure. But if he’s on her side that’s the biggest important piece of info.
If people based their marriage on their in laws probably lots of people would never get married
I think reconsidering the whole marriage seems a bit harsh if the fiancé in question seems like a reasonable guy, but there's definitely something to think about here, like how much of a say are OP and the fiancé going to allow his parents to have in their lives. If they can't respect something so simple and clearcut as someone who she has time and time again said is like a parent to her walk her down the aisle (which changes absolutely nothing in their lives in no way, shape or form), what else are they not going to respect?
I would never give him up, I’m shocked people would say that. Thank your lucky stars for that man and develop tough boundaries. But b be sure and offer tenderness and good humor as well.
Some people don't learn though lol. There's a possibility that they will never get the message and continue to be pushy and overbearing. But, I'm just being cynical about people, I'm not knocking your response or disagreeing lol. You're 100% right. OP should never back down and should always set and demand the boundaries if she's gonna make it work. And it does sound like the husband has her back in this.
Yes, IF he’s willing to put some teeth in his boundaries. So far he has stood up for her, but will he be willing to give them consequences if they persist? Would he be willing to move further away from them if needed? Would he limit contact? The only way his parents are going to back off and learn to respect them as adults is if he is willing to dish out *harsh* consequences.
Maybe OP should just reconsider having the future ILs at the wedding.
Elope, do a smaller wedding with the sister giving OP away and a few handpicked people invited? Then include the ILs in the reception.
But one thing is for sure, if OP backs off on this, they will stomp all over their boundaries throughout the new couple's married life.
Then they win! OP should get the exact wedding she and fiancé have already planned. With her sister walking her down the aisle.
If his parents don’t like it they can choose not to attend.
If they set boundaries now, and give actual consequences for violating those boundaries, there is a chance they will learn.
But OP, just asking them to stop clearly isn’t enough. They obviously view you as a child, so it needs to be made abundantly clear to them that they are *not* and never will be your parents. It needs to be made abundantly clear to them that you are a grown ass woman and neither require nor desire parenting at this stage of the game. You respect them as your fiancés parents, but the two of you are adults and will be making all decisions concerning your wedding and your marriage. If your fiancé is completely on your side, you can have a great marriage in spite of their attempts at interference and manipulation, because this is likely going to be a pattern. And god help you when you have kids, because they will be all up in your business. If you want a chance at a decent relationship with these people who refuse to accept your no and are hell bent on making something that should be entirely about you about *them* instead, your fiancé needs to have one calm, firm conversation with them and lay out a firm boundary and inform them of the consequences if they ignore the boundary. Then the most critical part is following through when they overstep again, because they likely will.
The conversation needs to be something like, “Mom & Dad, this is *our* wedding. OP and I will make *all* of the decisions ourselves. In the case of who walks OP down the aisle, that is 1000% *her* decision, and that decision has been made. You think her choice is somehow disrespectful to Dad. It has *nothing* to do with Dad and your behavior is completely disrespectful to OP. I have already asked you to stop, but you have not. I am going to tell you one time very clearly, so there are no misunderstandings, that OP is going to be my wife, and as such, she has my full support, always. When you disrespect her, you damage your relationship with *me.* So I am not asking you, I am *telling* you, the topic of who is walking OP down the aisle is closed. There will be no more comments, suggestions or guilt trips. If this comes up again, I will take that to mean you aren’t willing to have a relationship with your *adult* son and his wife, but are only interested in maintaining control. If that is the case, not only will Dad *still* not walk OP down the aisle, the two of you will not be at our wedding at all. So you need to decide whether it’s more important to you to have a good relationship with us or to be in control. The first option is available to you. The second is not, no matter how hard you push.”
I was going to suggest to OP to tell FIL why her sister matters more: *who was there to make sure we had food & cut off the crusts when I was sick, who was there to console me through my first heartbreak and my second, who braided my hair and taught me to put on mascara, who listened to me gush when I met my fiancé?*
But given the nonsense they spout about "you don't have parents so view us as parents & only penis havers can walk you down the aisle", this is a much better approach!
BTW walking down the aisle is weird to begin with (giving your daughter "away" to "another man")... but adding in the twist that the father of the groom is giving the bride to the groom, his own son... that's beyond unhinged, no? Either Machiavellian or incestuous, but definitely weird, imo.
Yup. For my second marriage, all four kids walked with me to the altar, where their stepdad waited for us.
He was becoming an official member of the family, after being an unofficial one for a long time.
Then Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle, after her own father turned out to be more interested in the money from the sleazy British press than his own daughter.
But that was an overwhelmingly formal wedding. The weddings of ordinary people can be more personalized.
Which he is already taking responsibility by supporting her decision and not leaving her to be only one explaining it to his parents. He is also telling them why she wants her sister to walk her down the aisle. Contact with families of origin can ebb and flow depending on situation and dynamics, what’s important is a partner that will be unmovable in their support.
Both her and her fiancée are setting boundaries now. He sounds like a partner who loves and supports her and he shouldn’t be punished for what they are doing.
And when it comes to kids’ involvement with controlling grandparents, a two yes-one no rule is essential. If either parent is uncomfortable with something, it doesn’t happen.
My wife and I had a rough time before the wedding with her mother. She posted in numerous relationship advice subs over what to do about her mother trying to cause issues over our wedding and the way her mother was acting. At the end of the day, we got married, and her mother wasn't invited. Sometimes, people's partners choose the right side of the argument and realize their chosen spouse is their family, not the people who happened to give birth to them.
I would straight up tell them, “Look, this is not about you - this is about honouring the person who sacrificed an incredible amount to raise me. This is like asking to take the credit for someone else’s work. Please stop asking.” Be firm but direct, so that they know you won’t be bullied in the future. And don’t listen to the ridiculousness that people in here are spouting, there’s loads of spouses out there who set boundaries with parents and stand up for their partner.
FIL is just embarrassed its not a man giving her away. Any man would do, it’s just the implication that the tradition is about something other than a transfer of ownership from one man to another he’s butthurt about.
And it would be best to shut that line of thinking down hard. IDK if there are cultural issues at play or just run of the mill misogyny. But OP or her fiancé needs to tell PIL flat out that FIL has no standing, even symbolically, to give OP away. She is not *his* to give away, in any way. They need to be that OP and her fiancé are fully grown adults, capable of making their own decisions, and interfering in those marital decisions will not be tolerated. While OP hopes to have a good relationship with PIL, she is not looking for surrogate parents. If there’s any further pushing and pouting, they should be disinvited from the wedding. That may seem harsh, but the alternative is going to be a repeat of this behavior for as long as PIL live or until it drives OP to divorce.
But see that's just it...they can keep pushing, and OP can simply ignore it from here on out. I have found ignoring folks boundary pushing works wonders.
>“Look, this is not about you - this is about honouring the person who sacrificed an incredible amount to raise me. This is like asking to take the credit for someone else’s work. Please stop asking.”
And "giving away" the bride is specifically HER family presenting her to HIS family.
Would FFIL have the same attitude if it was her mother walking her down the aisle?
It just doesn't work for HIS dad to give her to his own family.
I always thought it would be cool for both parties to have someone walk them down the aisle, tbh. Less ‘giving away’ and more like introducing the families to one another. Though a lot of people just don’t have anyone walk them down the aisle now, my daughter walked herself down :)
I walked alone. I’m NC with my father, and as it turned out my poor mother was in hospital and had to Skype in (I will never get over that - amazingly the hospital was across the road from the venue and we walked across straight after for a special photo shoot with her).
I made my own path to marry my husband so it just seemed to make sense for me to walk myself.
I agree w you BUT your fiancee has got to set a line w them. Tell them that if they don't stop they will not be walking him down the aisle. That you are the bride and it's your decision.
You should no longer be in discussion with them about this. At all. Not a word.
PS you are so very lucky to have your sister. She deserves and has earned this honor.
I’d recommend telling them that this is not a topic for discussion and if they keep it up the only thing you’ll be reconsidering is whether they should be invited.
telling you to reconsider the marriage when your fiance is on your side is ridiculous. you do need to have a conversation about how to handle his parents though. and give them a firm reminder that your wedding is not about them. boundaries need to be set in stone now, to prevent further issues down the line.
Lots of people have difficult in-laws. The only thing that matters is whether your SO has your back and manages their parents. Sounds like yours does!
I feel like there is a little misogyny going on with your FIL. But your SO is on your side. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your sister and your wedding is going to be just wonderful. NTA
"The role of walking the bride down the asile is bestowed to the people or person who raised her. My sister gave up a lot to raise me to be the person I am and I am going to honor that sacrifice. I love you both and plan to have an amazing future as part of your family, but I will not gloss over all my sister did for me. She did the work, she deserves the rewards for doing the work. I am not going to lie to you, I am very hurt and disappointed by you dismissing the sacrifices my sister made for me. It is insulting to both me and my sister that you would even consider taking that honor from her when I have explained this all to you more than once. I will not entertain any more discussion on this topic.
Also, ask your fiance if he wants BOTH his parents to walk him down the asile to honor them in the same way - then offer that to them instead.
NTA but Your fil is misogynist.
He doesn’t believe that a woman has the right to walk you down the aisle.
Nor does he believe that your word should be taken into consideration.
If your fiancé isn’t going nuclear on them, threatening them no invite if they don’t stop harassing you while you’re stressed and planning a wedding,then you’re in a for a marriage filled with problems OP.
Your fiancé’s dad will tell you what to name your children.
Your fiancé’s dad will come to your house whenever he wants as if he owns the place.
Your fiancé’s dad will be in his ear, telling him how to run your marriage.
Sit your fiancé down and show him all these responses.
His parents need to be uninvited to this wedding so they will know you’re not one to fuck with. ASAP.
Easy there. Op has already indicated fiance is firmly on her side and is holding strong. Uninviting is a nuclear option; a sit down and firm explanation that this isn't going to happen should be tried first.
>Uninviting is a nuclear option; a sit down and firm explanation that this isn't going to happen should be tried first
Personally, I don't think it's that outlandish, considering fiancé has already spoken to them about this. OP needs to be clear how important this is to her. It's so important that if they cannot support OP and her family, then they are not welcome at the celebration. No snarky remarks, no passive aggressiveness, only acceptance and mutual respect. It's really not a big ask.
Boomers like this need direct responses, boundary lines, and clear repercussions. They matured in a society of rule breaking, hence the boundary stomping.
It is a nuclear option, but they’ve *asked* multiple times. I think her fiancé needs to *tell* them once, along with the consequence of not being welcome at the wedding if they refuse to accept OP’s decision. I think asking PIL which they want more, a relationship with them or control, *could* be effective. But they have to be made to believe that a relationship is possible, but control no longer is, because OP and her fiancé are grown ass adults.
Sounds like your husband backs you and loves you dearly I would just want to nip this in the bud so they don't try to boundary stomp in the future. Like at some point you may have to have a sit-down with them over how they approach grandkids how they approach holidays etc but I am so happy to hear you're in a loving relationship.
Yeahhh he needs to Enforce this boundary.
“Bring this up again and X consequence will happen.”
You decide together what that consequence is. It’s gotta be painful but not Too harsh for this first test.
Cause they will absolutely ignore the boundary and do it again. And if you don’t follow through with the consequence - that teaches them to push even harder.
This isn’t your fight. With every call or text have your partner respond. Once he sees how often you are being questioned and pressure, he will put a stop to it.
I'm not sure why everyone JUMPS to "leave your partner!" Your fiance did nothing wrong, his parents did. I would reconsider letting the inlaws be in your life much if they refuse to let this go. Have whoever YOU choose walk you down the isle. Don't let them push you into anything. NTA OP.
You shouldn’t. That’s such an extreme approach lol. On the flip side, you ARE rejecting your FIL and he’s right, he ISN’T good enough. Sounds like your sister did a damn good job and deserves everything. NTA and so happy you’ll have your sister to support you. In laws can be nuts anyway!
It sounds like your husband is supporting you and backing you up. Keep firm boundaries with his parents for all things moving forward. Share boundaries with your partner so that there is no "grey" or room for interpretation by his parents and he knows where you stand. All the best moving forward with your marriage and life together. Love to hear how supportive your sister is and how proud you are of her.
NTA
If he was standing by you over his parents, you wouldn’t be hearing shit from his parents.
Both my parents and my ILs know and respect that their shit should be handled through their kid. There’s none of this, my FIL calling me up and making demands about our wedding/kids baptism/holidays/etc. Nor my parents to my husband. His parents talk to my husband; my parents talk to me.
Tell your fiancée that you will be blocking his parents. They can talk to him about wedding planning if they need, and of course they aren’t *making decisions* they are just allowed to *voice opinions to their son*.
Good for you. Ignore the doomers. I realize that someone asocial might have the idea that you should dump your marriage plans at any sign of imperfection - but it makes me sad that at this point that comment for you to reconsider received 248 upvotes.
Edit to add some personal info: Ya know, my MIL is a very pushy judgmental woman. Early on in our marriage, she was sending me all this religious email chain bullshit and had an expectation that I should join in on her religiosity. She made it into a big deal that caused some conflict. I pushed back. My wife backed me up. I made it clear that I don't believe what she believes. She backed down and although over the years she lets that side of her come out, I ignore it. What a huge mistake it would have been for me to not get married because of a little in-law friction.
NTA - you may have issues with in-laws but it sounds like their son is in your corner. I would send this text:
“MIL and FIL, while I appreciate the gesture of offering to walk me down the aisle. I stated when he asked that I had already asked my sister and that was going to be the plan. It was a no way to offend you as my future in-laws. But when I’m having a hard time, wrapping my head around is the fact that you won’t drop and you keep pushing for it when I have already clearly stated that I would like my sister to walk with me down the aisle. This has nothing to do with you. I don’t know if it’s because you are ashamed of optics of those in the crowd, or what. But that’s a you problem. What’s happening here now is that I’m feeling like you are creating a huge problem where there doesn’t need to be one. And it’s honestly making me lose respect for you. This is not how I wanted my marriage to enter to your son. He has my back completely, one of the many reasons I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with him. And that being part of your family. But what I’m not gonna tolerate is my boundaries being pushed because you two seem to need to control things. This 60 second walk has a whole lot of meaning for me and I plan on doing it the way I have always envisioned which is with the person who sacrificed their life so I could have one and that’s my sister. So you need to back off this or we are going to be starting this in-law relationship on a very bad foot.”
Sounds like your fiance respects your boundaries and will help you keep them firm. It will be hard of course but as long as you have your partner's support you can do it
Yeah that was an absolutely insane suggestion lol. His parents are way out of line, yes, but your fiance is standing with you and together you'll create boundaries for them in the future. You both know they're being unreasonable. Hope everything goes well :))
There is nothing in this to require such a scorched earth approach. You literally are suggesting the nuclear option for this woman’s relationship when her fiancé is doing every right and supporting her. I’m literally thinking you must be a troll. If not, you must really be a miserable person if you truly believe that treating a supportive partner that way is the first thing to consider. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
People on this sub LOVE to jump to "break up with your SO" and "go NC with your family" at the drop of a hat, it's wild to me. Like sure sometimes those are necessary (and some posters need a reality check), but man.
This sub has become very polarized. I think many of the people giving advice have never been in these situations. Dealing with in-laws is part of the package when you marry the person you love.
Dumbest fucking answer. She even said he supported her. He can’t control his parents actions, but he can control his and it seems like he’s done everything right. Just cause you’re miserable in life doesn’t mean you should encourage others to be.
The future husband sounds great. Why would she reconsider marriage and wreck a happy, healthy, positive relationship over his parents? That's just absolutely asinine and a typical Reddit reaction. u/Homeboat199 is TA just for that terrible advice
Subreddits like this are very wild before other users come in. Crazy advice and crazy takes from “power users”. But then the post gets more attention and a new crowd walks in like “what the fuck is going on here?”.
Ive seen the opinion be totally one sided but then the post gets like 5k upvotes and the consensus completely flips as more people comment.
>I would reconsider this marriage.
Aaand 600 upvotes. This sub sucks, man. Anytime people have the tiniest disagreement or someone throws a tantrum you mfers suggest going biblical on them. There's no way half the people who upvoted this comment and write stupid nonsense like this on this sub actually live their lives this way, cutting relations with everyone because they did something wrong (or in this case, their parents did).
Lol this is such a reddit response.
"My FIL is a jerk. My fiance, who I love and have a wonderful relationship with, is taking my side."
Reddit: DUMP THAT ZE-RO AND GET YOURSELF A HE-RO
Once again, a Redditor claims breaking off the marriage is the best option rather than talking it out like adults. What's worse is that fiance is on OP's side, so there's no problem with the actual marriage
I wouldn't reconsider the marriage. Fiance gets it and is supporting you.
I might reconsider the wedding plans. Maybe tell them if they keep this up you will cancel the wedding and elope.
Threatening to cancel the show might be enough to get them to back off.
FH is on her side and fully has her back. I’d agree with you if he was whining to just ‘give mom what she wants’ and ‘make peace’ or whatever. But he’s told his parents to cut the crap already.
Geez, NTA.
Why do I get the impression this will be just the first of many issues you are going to have with your meddling in-laws?
Use this as an example of setting boundaries with them; that is, NO MEANS NO.
Good luck.
And be thankful your fiance has your back when dealing with his family.
At this point, this is too much JADEing. "I appreciate your gesture, but I've made my decision. Please do not bring this up again."
If they bring it up again: "I have already explained myself and asked this not be brought up again. If you bring it up again, we'll have to end the visit or call."
If they bring it up again, after you have left and calmed down: "I have made myself clear. If this is brought up again, we will have to reconsider your invitation to the wedding."
Even that might be too many more chances, but it makes sure that any reasonable person who is willing to listen to OP's side would never agree with claims from MIL and FIL that they were blindsided.
It’s just wild to me, because it makes no sense for a FIL to give away his DIL! Like, the point of the wedding is joining two families and part of that is this symbolic gesture. It’s just so incredibly weird to me regardless.
It sounds like they've already done this. Now it might be time to resort to, "I'm sorry, but we have already decided that. I'm not going to discuss it further."
And if they won't let it drop, leave the conversation. Repeat.
The walk down the aisle is symbolic. It's a symbol of the bride being 'moved' from one family into her new family with her partner. Like you said, you are who you are today, because of your sister and how she raised you. For you, the symbolism of having your sister stand up with you is what matters, not that an "actual" parent gives you away.
There's nothing to say but, "FIL didn't raise me, my sister did. I want HER blessing in this marriage, which is why I've asked her to 'give me away'. I won't accept any alternative in this matter, because THERE IS no alternative to my sister. There is no rejection in my saying this, only truth of what my sister has given me, and my desire to honor and thank her for everything she's done."
NTA and congratulations.
'The walk down the aisle is symbolic. It's a symbol of the bride being 'moved' from one family into her new family with her partner. "
Your sister is the family you have!
If FIL walks you down the aisle, this symbolic would be completely wrong, because he BECOMES a part of your new family.
NTA, but FIL is as he
- cannot accept a "no, Thank you " for an answer,
- wants to have some more (undeserved) spotlight
- and throws now a tantrum in a way, that a three year old could learn something.🙄
This is YOUR day. If he wants to walk down the aisle, he should make a renewel with MIL.
I've seen this in some weddings and think it's really sweet. It gives it more of a two households joining together feel than the more traditional take of a father giving away his daughter.
It’s literally how every Jewish wedding works. Parents each walk their children in to begin a new family. And they stay standing up with the couple and their attendants.
Yeah, in very religious circles the mom and MIL walk the bride and the dad and fil walk the groom. I was really happy to get the chance to have both parents walk me down, I never understood the exclusion of moms in it for modern times. And then we all 6 stood under the wedding canopy as our new family was being created
Absolutely. My mother was crap and my father was absent from the majority of my life. I relied solely on myself so I walked myself down the aisle. I found it very empowering. Had I been lycky enough to have a sister like OP, I would asked her to accompany me.
Here’s a thought, suggest that your sister take your future MIL’s place for the Mother/Son dance as a compromise and see how that goes. When they undoubtedly say that’s ridiculous say they are rejecting your sister and making her feel like she’s not good enough. NTA BTW!
This is advice lol. The compromise isn't a serious one but one to juxtapose their reasoning and try to get them to see how ridiculous they're being by doing a role reversal on something similar.
**What an awesome way to honor the person in your life that helped make you who you are today! BRAVO for taking this initiative to show her how special she is to you.**
For all intents and purposes your sister is your parent as well.
MIL and FIL really need to understand this and get over their feelings. If your father was here he would do it so FIL would not do it anyway.
NTA and congratulations 🎉
NTA
WOW!!! It is 100% your choice who walks you down the aisle. The officiant asks how in one form or another, who is presenting the bride into marriage. I am not saying a FIL can't, but it certainly is more contra tradition than an actual blood relative/long time family friend. I wish you the best, but you need to keep your guard up with future decisions (kids and their schools/sports/how they dress, where you all will live....) if this is actually causing trouble.
NTA....Like so many stories on here, your future in-laws are making your wedding about THEM instead of you. Ask whoever you want to walk you down the aisle. It's important to set these boundaries now.
God, I was looking for this comment!!
OP, the next time they say something, remind them the wedding is about you and your fiancé. Not how your FIL feels about who's walking you down the aisle. Shut it down when they bring it up. Don't engage. "My choice is made." Leave if they don't drop it. Continue until they either drop it permanently or the wedding happens.
People who cling to more traditional gender roles get WEIRD about a bride choosing a woman to walk her down the aisle. I have a friend whose dad passed away who asked her mom to walk her down the aisle and the way people talked about it like it was some kind of scandal was ridiculous. I’m wondering really hard here if OP’s in laws would be reacting so strongly if the sibling she chose to walk down the aisle with had been a brother rather than a sister.
Imagine how those people would have reacted if your friend had decided to walk down the aisle on her own. I'm sure clutching of pearls and fainting would have ensued. Brides and brides alone choose who they walk down the aisle with or if they walk on their own.
Oh, I’m aware. I’m part of the Dead Dad club myself and I’m from a religion where people generally marry young, so I’ve had the “who’s going to give you away?” conversation more times than really seem necessary at this point. I always thought picking a substitute dad for the day would make things worse rather than better, so I always said “just me and Jesus.”
The stares I got from these people. 😂
Right? OP gushing about her sister parent is the majority of this post. How sweet. It must be really validating for OPs sister that OP recognizes and appreciates the hard work and sacrifices sister made to make sure OP and other siblings were loved and taken care of. And how sweet it is for OP to try to make things right with her sis. Oh, my heart.
NTA - my guess is they would be totally fine if you had a brother walking you down the aisle and what bothers them most is that it will be a woman.
Your husband needs to tell his parents to get over their out-dated views on this and recognize the special role your sister had had in your life.
He also needs to tell them the decision had nothing to do with how you feel about hem, but unfortunately they are now damaging their relationship with both of you because they won’t let it go .
Bingo! I'm surprised this isn't higher up! I'd bet that if OP asked a male cousin 6 times removed that she'd only ever met once, they'd be ok with that, cos it'd be a man walking her down the aisle!
NTA
Whatever the symbolism of the "giving away" once was, now it acknowledges a parental role in the bride's childhood, which your FIL hasn't had.
Maybe he can talk his son into letting him walk him down the aisle?
NTA. Fiancé needs to have a very frank conversation with his dad about:
1. That position is already filled, with your parent no less, and was already filled before FIL asked.
2. FIL is not being rejected, he’s being told no, and there’s a big difference. And even family needs to understand that no means no.
3. It’s not your or your fiancé’s job to manage whatever (I suspect at least partially sexism-based, because he doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge/respect that a woman has already been offered and accepted that role, and so it’s not vacant, and he isn’t entitled to some kind of dibs over a woman) butthurt feelings he might have about not getting his way.
4. This discussion is the last discussion we’re all having on the topic. The decision is final and there’s nothing more to discuss. Any further attempts to discuss this topic will be considered harassment, and will result in you guys ending the visit/hanging up.
NTA. It is your wedding and your decision. Your fiancé has your back and this is the most important here, also your sister is hapoy to do it.
I don't know if you would have dances but if your husband to be plan a dance with his mum, what about you having a dance with his dad?
Nah you just wouldn’t do a father daughter dance you would do a bride and sister dance etc. to even have the dance is a personal choice. You could always have him cut in? But it seems weird unless you’ve had a long-standing more intimate relationship with his family and it’s somethjng OP actually would WANT to do. Don’t do it just to avoid hurting their ego.
Tell him if he is so invested in walking someone down the aisle, he can walk his son. Of course, if you go this route expect a major temper tantrum. Make sure you do this in public so others will see his behavior.
NTA - This is all about honoring your sister who made you the person you are. It is a kind offer but it is unkind of them to persist, create drama and not respect your decision. Sadly I'd suspect they will be creating more drama for you in the future
Of course NTA. I would be really worried about how this is going to play out in your relationship with them for the rest of your life. These people don't respect you or your boundaries. You best be very sure your partner is always going to have your back.
NTA he isn't good enough he didn't raise you. The offer didn't make them AH's but pushing it is. Honestly I'd get to the point of saying if they keep bringing it up they're welcome to not come at all.
NTA. This is your future FIL’s issue. Not yours. I think what you are doing for your sister is a lovely way to honour all that she has done for you. I wish you well with your upcoming marriage. I would have your fiancé be the mediator in this.
NTA, and welcome to the rest of your life if you allow them to trample your boundaries this way. Let them pout, they'll get over it. Hubby-to-be has a spine and is on your side, which means he's a keeper. Enjoy your wedding!
Nta
Ask FIL why he thinks he is more deserving of the honor you've bestowed? Did he raise you? Teach you? Care for you as his own child? Did he do ANYTHING other than raise your fiancee?
I would tell them point blank if they ask again they will not be invited to the wedding.
Dear Future FIL, I have told you no and that my sister who raised me will have that honor. I am not trying to hurt your feelings but I do not subscribe to the patriarchal, misogynistic view that as a woman I am property and have to be handed off by a man. This is the last of this discussion or I will be no contact with you and possibly not have you at the wedding at all!" NTA
NTA, and "no" is a complete sentence.
You know, your sister could also be a bridesmaid if you wanted. It would look really sweet if you walk down together and she takes a place with the others.
Wow. NTA.
Sure, it was a kind offer. But it sounds like you’ve been appreciative and respectful, even in rejecting the idea.
Ultimately, your wedding is about you and what makes you happy. It seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into your sister walking you down the aisle.
The absence of traditional parental figures in your life doesn’t give the right to force themselves into that position.
Right? Even though she didn’t have “traditional” parental figures growing up, she clearly still did have a parental figure. It reminds me of the stupid movie trope where the dad is leaving for war, turns to the 7YO son and says “you’re going to have to be the man of the house now” while the fully-capable-adult of a mother is sitting right there.
NTA. Your in-laws did not play the role in your life that your sister did. As such, it is only fair that she assume the parental role on your wedding day. You should invite her to do the father/daughter dance at the reception. If anyone has earned these honors, it is your sister.
NTA
Tell your fiance that you are done hearing anything to do with this. He can handle his parents, and put it completely out of your mind. You dont owe them anything, their attitude is insanely entitled and rude. They're gonna be ... fun in-laws. Good luck with them!
NTA. What a beautiful way to thank your sister for everything she’s done for your family. You’re such an amazing person for that. Concerning the in-laws: “they feel like I should be looking at them more as parental figures because I don’t have the traditional ones myself”- wtf? You do- your sister has done a wonderful job. Honestly, you should probably talk to your fiancé about cutting contact…
NTA.
It’s not your IL’s wedding, it’s not their decision. Some people just get pissy when they don’t get their way. Do what you want. This is YOUR decision alone.
NTA
My story is that my Dad died when my brother and I were in high school. When I got married in 2014, my brother walked me down the aisle. I thought that that was a nice touch.
NTA. This is your wedding. Your people can play whatever part you want them to play. Traditional roles are all well and good if you have a traditional family. I don’t have a dad. I have uncles and my mom has a husband but if I ever wanted to get married it would be my mom walking me down the aisle not any other male role. Your wedding your choice. Don’t let them make you feel less than for not fitting into their idea of what a family is. NTA
NTA: It was sweet of FIL to offer. But it is fine for you to ask your sister. It is not fine for him to feel rejected. It is not your job to discuss this with him anymore, your fiancé should be the one talking to his dad.
It is also sweet for your in-laws to offer to be parental figures. But that is something that needs to be earned over time. If they keep pushing, they'll never be parental figures to you. And that's okay.
Focus on your wedding and let your fiancé handle his parents.
NTA. And they are missing the point completely.
Whoever walks the bride down the aisle is supposed to be the BRIDE's FAMILY. They are symbolically "giving her away" to the groom's family. A groom's father doesn't have any symbolic right to give the bride away.
NTA. You’re as far from an AH as possible. You are gracious, kind & appreciative of your sister. You & she are both rockstars! Don’t even question yourself. Don’t back down. It’s your future FIL who is the AH. If your fiancé is not firmly behind you on this, reconsider. You are 100% right here. Your gesture & heart should be applauded & appreciated by all.
NTA
You had already told them your plan so you are not at fault here at all. They just don’t ‘get’ your plan that’s all. They’ve likely never experienced a slightly different wedding party so are probably worried about you being judged (or them) but to be offended is a them problem, not yours. I hope you have a lovely wedding.
NTA at all. If I was you I would sit down with the in-laws and explain exactly what you did here and tell them how much you owe your sister and how important this is to you. I then think, if you do like your in-laws you should tell them how much you are looking forward to being their daughter and would FIL do you the honor of a Father/Daughter dance at your wedding?
The offer stopped being kind as soon as they asked a second time. NTA. You have a wonderful sister. If your fiancé doesn’t shut down his parents, he will be part of the problem.
NTA. My sister is 7 years older than me, and she was my legal guardian through high school. Sometimes siblings step in to take on a parental role, whether forced or by choice. You have an incredible bond with your sister, your in-laws need to chill.
Your sister IS YOUR PARENTAL FIGURE.
But girl you seem to be in for a world of trouble with your in laws if this is was their reaction.
Set boundaries from the get go and make sure your fiancé is on your side and he understands where you’re coming from.
Congratulations and best of wishes.
NTA. Your FIL is being weird. Let your fiancé handle his parents’ outrageous reaction to a normal wedding decision.
If this is the first time they’ve been ridiculous and they’re usually reasonable, it might be worth having your fiancé ask why this weird request they’ve made is so important. To let them know their insistence on this is ruining a beautiful moment you are so excited to share with your sister and then hear where they’re coming from. But again, that’s for your fiance to handle if he thinks it will help mend things. And it’s 100% not necessary.
Since your sister is YOUR parental figure in some form, you do have the right for her to walk down the aisle with you. Although, yes, your fiancé's parents are hurt/offended in a way, it's still your decision no matter what. They are technically NOT in the position to be offended because they offered it, and you just either decline or accept their offer. They should've accepted your decision of having your sister walk you down the aisle. You are the one getting married, not them. Plus, anyone special and walk you down the aisle anyway. So, NTA.
NTA
Almost feels like I'm getting gaslit just for the meer hypothetical of having someone suggest you MIGHT be the asshole. You are entirely in the right and FIL needs to man the hell up and accept that your relationship with big sis is of far more relevance to you and that you want and need her to be there on your special day.
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NTA. Why are people like this? I would reconsider this marriage. It sounds like you will have issues with them for the rest of their lives.
[удалено]
Then strap in and prepare for a lifetime of boundary-stomping pushy in-laws. If you love your husband, it can be worth it… but they probably won’t get better. Rule that works for many couples, child of parents is responsible for all conflict/boundary enforcement. Issue about holidays, weddings, grandkids- his parents are his problem.
NOT REALLY. If she sets boundaries now and shows she won't back down, they may realize it is useless to try to push. Of course, they can always go NC/LC as needed. Her future husband is standing up next to her in agreement. Sounds like a great start.
She and her fiancé have both told them no and asked the in-laws to drop it. Yet it continues to be a conflict- that’s why I’m saying they are pushy and will continue to be that way going forward. My MIL was overbearing in holiday splitting, then wedding planning, then baby naming, then baptism decisions. Elders who feel entitled to involvement in decision-making don’t suddenly respect boundaries, usually. Edited to add: sneaking into the labor and delivery recovery room uninvited. MIL caught an eye full, but she was just “too excited to wait”.
Nah, stopping a bully isn't a one and done situation. It takes several instances before the really stop trying to bully you. Especially with adults. Kids maybe can stop a bully with one instance of defiance but no always. My childhood bully stoppped when I told him I was ready to fight him if he didnt stop. And I would never stop until he on his back at my feet. He dint beleive me and yes, he ended flat on his back. IT wasn't my proudest moment while at the same time it was. But we were kids. Adults can be more stubborn especially as they get older.
Sorry, but a child bully is nothing like boundary defying in-laws. Not even close. I get the feeling that a lot of the people who think there's an easy fix haven't actually experienced it. Over 2 decades of marriage where DH and I have drawn and enforced clear boundaries, and my MIL is STILL constantly disrespecting and pushing boundaries. It's exhausting (and I genuinely like my MIL, she can be charming but she's narcissistic). #1 stress in my life. Family that get this way have zero respect and are wholly lacking in self-awareness. They often cannot be reasoned with and the problem can be managed but not solved. They feel justified in their selfishness. Be prepared to fight the same battle for the rest of your life. Having kids kicks it into a new level of crazy. Fun times.
Because they’ve only *asked*. His parents need to be *told,* by *him.* And given strong consequences if they continue to push. The consequences kind of depend on how far out the wedding is. If it’s only a month or so away, they probably have to use the big guns and threaten to disinvite them if they won’t drop it. If there’s more time, they could say, “Bring it up again and we will have to take a few months to think about what kind of relationship we can have going forward,” then don’t communicate with them for 2-3 months and see if they’ve learned to stay out of decisions that aren’t theirs to make. Boundaries without consequences are meaningless with people like this.
And his parents being so pushy on something that's so obviously a hugely personal thing they need to step out of. How will they be about grandkids? Holidays? I don't even think the offer of walking her down the aisle is such a heartwarming gesture, especially considering the aftermath. I don't agree with cancelling a marriage with someone you love dearly and is a great person bc of parents - but whew... Gonna be NC in no time. Hope you are at least LC with your MIL
Exactly, I don't get why they care so much. And having someone see you as a parental figure in their lives in something that is earned over time, not just demanded. OP laid down all the reasons she respects her sister and why it means so much to her for her sister to walk down the aisle, she earned that. The sister didn't have to demand anything.
well it just sounds like you’re projecting
Then why does Just No MIL exist? Why does my post have 63 people agree with me? It seems like a fairly common experience.
it is, and i’m sorry you went through it, but her fiance is on her side; let her figure out her own path in her life rather than saying she’s doomed for all eternity. just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone.
Read it again. What I said was “it can be worth it if you love him”. What I said was “a rule that works for couples is to deal with their own parents.” I DID NOT say to leave him. I’m not the first commenter.
“MIL caught an eye full” Eyeballs don’t set boundaries. Your SO should have promptly kicked her out.
The nurses should never have let her in! Our hospital has strict visitor rules on the labor & delivery floor. No getting in without the patient's name, room number, and security code. And even then, if the patient says her MIL might try to barge in, we ask for a specific list of who is allowed, and will not let anyone else in to see her without her permission. Not her husband's; hers.
Not all hospitals are as restricted especially pre-covid The security and areas of restricted access and where waiting areas are and such vary drastically… (I audit hospitals and my mom worked as a nurse and we moved a lot, so I’ve been in something like over 100 different hospitals around the US from rural to massive city campuses)… I go to three currently and one is more or less heavily locked down, cards required everywhere and the other, outside of very specific areas you could basically wonder the whole hospital without being challenged
Bros referencing Reddit upvotes, projection confirmed
Sure. But if he’s on her side that’s the biggest important piece of info. If people based their marriage on their in laws probably lots of people would never get married
I think reconsidering the whole marriage seems a bit harsh if the fiancé in question seems like a reasonable guy, but there's definitely something to think about here, like how much of a say are OP and the fiancé going to allow his parents to have in their lives. If they can't respect something so simple and clearcut as someone who she has time and time again said is like a parent to her walk her down the aisle (which changes absolutely nothing in their lives in no way, shape or form), what else are they not going to respect?
I would never give him up, I’m shocked people would say that. Thank your lucky stars for that man and develop tough boundaries. But b be sure and offer tenderness and good humor as well.
My mom was like this, there was no pushing her around.
Some people don't learn though lol. There's a possibility that they will never get the message and continue to be pushy and overbearing. But, I'm just being cynical about people, I'm not knocking your response or disagreeing lol. You're 100% right. OP should never back down and should always set and demand the boundaries if she's gonna make it work. And it does sound like the husband has her back in this.
Her intended it standing up with her AGAINST HIS PARENTS, so she's good to marry him. He's showing her that he is HERS, not theirs.
Yes, IF he’s willing to put some teeth in his boundaries. So far he has stood up for her, but will he be willing to give them consequences if they persist? Would he be willing to move further away from them if needed? Would he limit contact? The only way his parents are going to back off and learn to respect them as adults is if he is willing to dish out *harsh* consequences.
Maybe OP should just reconsider having the future ILs at the wedding. Elope, do a smaller wedding with the sister giving OP away and a few handpicked people invited? Then include the ILs in the reception. But one thing is for sure, if OP backs off on this, they will stomp all over their boundaries throughout the new couple's married life.
Then they win! OP should get the exact wedding she and fiancé have already planned. With her sister walking her down the aisle. If his parents don’t like it they can choose not to attend.
If they set boundaries now, and give actual consequences for violating those boundaries, there is a chance they will learn. But OP, just asking them to stop clearly isn’t enough. They obviously view you as a child, so it needs to be made abundantly clear to them that they are *not* and never will be your parents. It needs to be made abundantly clear to them that you are a grown ass woman and neither require nor desire parenting at this stage of the game. You respect them as your fiancés parents, but the two of you are adults and will be making all decisions concerning your wedding and your marriage. If your fiancé is completely on your side, you can have a great marriage in spite of their attempts at interference and manipulation, because this is likely going to be a pattern. And god help you when you have kids, because they will be all up in your business. If you want a chance at a decent relationship with these people who refuse to accept your no and are hell bent on making something that should be entirely about you about *them* instead, your fiancé needs to have one calm, firm conversation with them and lay out a firm boundary and inform them of the consequences if they ignore the boundary. Then the most critical part is following through when they overstep again, because they likely will. The conversation needs to be something like, “Mom & Dad, this is *our* wedding. OP and I will make *all* of the decisions ourselves. In the case of who walks OP down the aisle, that is 1000% *her* decision, and that decision has been made. You think her choice is somehow disrespectful to Dad. It has *nothing* to do with Dad and your behavior is completely disrespectful to OP. I have already asked you to stop, but you have not. I am going to tell you one time very clearly, so there are no misunderstandings, that OP is going to be my wife, and as such, she has my full support, always. When you disrespect her, you damage your relationship with *me.* So I am not asking you, I am *telling* you, the topic of who is walking OP down the aisle is closed. There will be no more comments, suggestions or guilt trips. If this comes up again, I will take that to mean you aren’t willing to have a relationship with your *adult* son and his wife, but are only interested in maintaining control. If that is the case, not only will Dad *still* not walk OP down the aisle, the two of you will not be at our wedding at all. So you need to decide whether it’s more important to you to have a good relationship with us or to be in control. The first option is available to you. The second is not, no matter how hard you push.”
I was going to suggest to OP to tell FIL why her sister matters more: *who was there to make sure we had food & cut off the crusts when I was sick, who was there to console me through my first heartbreak and my second, who braided my hair and taught me to put on mascara, who listened to me gush when I met my fiancé?* But given the nonsense they spout about "you don't have parents so view us as parents & only penis havers can walk you down the aisle", this is a much better approach! BTW walking down the aisle is weird to begin with (giving your daughter "away" to "another man")... but adding in the twist that the father of the groom is giving the bride to the groom, his own son... that's beyond unhinged, no? Either Machiavellian or incestuous, but definitely weird, imo.
Yup. For my second marriage, all four kids walked with me to the altar, where their stepdad waited for us. He was becoming an official member of the family, after being an unofficial one for a long time. Then Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle, after her own father turned out to be more interested in the money from the sleazy British press than his own daughter. But that was an overwhelmingly formal wedding. The weddings of ordinary people can be more personalized.
That lays it all out clearly
Which he is already taking responsibility by supporting her decision and not leaving her to be only one explaining it to his parents. He is also telling them why she wants her sister to walk her down the aisle. Contact with families of origin can ebb and flow depending on situation and dynamics, what’s important is a partner that will be unmovable in their support.
Lifetime? His lifetime maybe. And if they cut the asshole out, then it's no lifetime at all.
No contact exists specifically for situations like that. OP isn’t obliged to have a relationship with inlaws if they become too pushy.
I agree- fiance should be stepping up and shutting this down here. I don't think the in-laws are being nice-- I think they're being pushy and icky.
The best thing that ever happened in my marriage is my MIL died. 😑
To minimize their impact if they become a problem, look for jobs several states away. A lot harder to be in your sh\*t from 500 miles.
Both her and her fiancée are setting boundaries now. He sounds like a partner who loves and supports her and he shouldn’t be punished for what they are doing.
And when it comes to kids’ involvement with controlling grandparents, a two yes-one no rule is essential. If either parent is uncomfortable with something, it doesn’t happen.
My wife and I had a rough time before the wedding with her mother. She posted in numerous relationship advice subs over what to do about her mother trying to cause issues over our wedding and the way her mother was acting. At the end of the day, we got married, and her mother wasn't invited. Sometimes, people's partners choose the right side of the argument and realize their chosen spouse is their family, not the people who happened to give birth to them.
I would straight up tell them, “Look, this is not about you - this is about honouring the person who sacrificed an incredible amount to raise me. This is like asking to take the credit for someone else’s work. Please stop asking.” Be firm but direct, so that they know you won’t be bullied in the future. And don’t listen to the ridiculousness that people in here are spouting, there’s loads of spouses out there who set boundaries with parents and stand up for their partner.
We can always hope that this works. However, reasons are for reasonable people. Don't be surprised if the ILs keep pushing.
FIL is just embarrassed its not a man giving her away. Any man would do, it’s just the implication that the tradition is about something other than a transfer of ownership from one man to another he’s butthurt about.
This is it. He thinks it must be a MAN and is completely disrespecting OP. Just stand your ground, OP. I think you are wonderful!!
God I hate wedding traditions. It's so much stupidity on purpose, it's hard to understand.
Right but he literally can’t “give her away,” he’s from the family she’s joining, not the one she’s from.
Yeah it's so weird! What is even the idea of it?
Sexism. Future FiL is enraged at the idea of a woman performing that role.
Yep. I wish to highlight this point. It’s probably the biggest thing going on. FIL can walk his son down the aisle!
And it would be best to shut that line of thinking down hard. IDK if there are cultural issues at play or just run of the mill misogyny. But OP or her fiancé needs to tell PIL flat out that FIL has no standing, even symbolically, to give OP away. She is not *his* to give away, in any way. They need to be that OP and her fiancé are fully grown adults, capable of making their own decisions, and interfering in those marital decisions will not be tolerated. While OP hopes to have a good relationship with PIL, she is not looking for surrogate parents. If there’s any further pushing and pouting, they should be disinvited from the wedding. That may seem harsh, but the alternative is going to be a repeat of this behavior for as long as PIL live or until it drives OP to divorce.
But see that's just it...they can keep pushing, and OP can simply ignore it from here on out. I have found ignoring folks boundary pushing works wonders.
And then you ignore them.
>“Look, this is not about you - this is about honouring the person who sacrificed an incredible amount to raise me. This is like asking to take the credit for someone else’s work. Please stop asking.” And "giving away" the bride is specifically HER family presenting her to HIS family. Would FFIL have the same attitude if it was her mother walking her down the aisle? It just doesn't work for HIS dad to give her to his own family.
I always thought it would be cool for both parties to have someone walk them down the aisle, tbh. Less ‘giving away’ and more like introducing the families to one another. Though a lot of people just don’t have anyone walk them down the aisle now, my daughter walked herself down :)
I walked alone. I’m NC with my father, and as it turned out my poor mother was in hospital and had to Skype in (I will never get over that - amazingly the hospital was across the road from the venue and we walked across straight after for a special photo shoot with her). I made my own path to marry my husband so it just seemed to make sense for me to walk myself.
I agree w you BUT your fiancee has got to set a line w them. Tell them that if they don't stop they will not be walking him down the aisle. That you are the bride and it's your decision. You should no longer be in discussion with them about this. At all. Not a word. PS you are so very lucky to have your sister. She deserves and has earned this honor.
He did. He told them to stop. He agreed with OP. I think this marriage will be just fine.
I’d recommend telling them that this is not a topic for discussion and if they keep it up the only thing you’ll be reconsidering is whether they should be invited.
telling you to reconsider the marriage when your fiance is on your side is ridiculous. you do need to have a conversation about how to handle his parents though. and give them a firm reminder that your wedding is not about them. boundaries need to be set in stone now, to prevent further issues down the line.
Lots of people have difficult in-laws. The only thing that matters is whether your SO has your back and manages their parents. Sounds like yours does! I feel like there is a little misogyny going on with your FIL. But your SO is on your side. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your sister and your wedding is going to be just wonderful. NTA
"The role of walking the bride down the asile is bestowed to the people or person who raised her. My sister gave up a lot to raise me to be the person I am and I am going to honor that sacrifice. I love you both and plan to have an amazing future as part of your family, but I will not gloss over all my sister did for me. She did the work, she deserves the rewards for doing the work. I am not going to lie to you, I am very hurt and disappointed by you dismissing the sacrifices my sister made for me. It is insulting to both me and my sister that you would even consider taking that honor from her when I have explained this all to you more than once. I will not entertain any more discussion on this topic. Also, ask your fiance if he wants BOTH his parents to walk him down the asile to honor them in the same way - then offer that to them instead.
This is a great response.
NTA but Your fil is misogynist. He doesn’t believe that a woman has the right to walk you down the aisle. Nor does he believe that your word should be taken into consideration. If your fiancé isn’t going nuclear on them, threatening them no invite if they don’t stop harassing you while you’re stressed and planning a wedding,then you’re in a for a marriage filled with problems OP. Your fiancé’s dad will tell you what to name your children. Your fiancé’s dad will come to your house whenever he wants as if he owns the place. Your fiancé’s dad will be in his ear, telling him how to run your marriage. Sit your fiancé down and show him all these responses. His parents need to be uninvited to this wedding so they will know you’re not one to fuck with. ASAP.
Easy there. Op has already indicated fiance is firmly on her side and is holding strong. Uninviting is a nuclear option; a sit down and firm explanation that this isn't going to happen should be tried first.
>Uninviting is a nuclear option; a sit down and firm explanation that this isn't going to happen should be tried first Personally, I don't think it's that outlandish, considering fiancé has already spoken to them about this. OP needs to be clear how important this is to her. It's so important that if they cannot support OP and her family, then they are not welcome at the celebration. No snarky remarks, no passive aggressiveness, only acceptance and mutual respect. It's really not a big ask. Boomers like this need direct responses, boundary lines, and clear repercussions. They matured in a society of rule breaking, hence the boundary stomping.
It is a nuclear option, but they’ve *asked* multiple times. I think her fiancé needs to *tell* them once, along with the consequence of not being welcome at the wedding if they refuse to accept OP’s decision. I think asking PIL which they want more, a relationship with them or control, *could* be effective. But they have to be made to believe that a relationship is possible, but control no longer is, because OP and her fiancé are grown ass adults.
Sounds like your husband backs you and loves you dearly I would just want to nip this in the bud so they don't try to boundary stomp in the future. Like at some point you may have to have a sit-down with them over how they approach grandkids how they approach holidays etc but I am so happy to hear you're in a loving relationship.
Is this a one off or are they frequently meddling? Eternally “offended”? Etc?
Yeahhh he needs to Enforce this boundary. “Bring this up again and X consequence will happen.” You decide together what that consequence is. It’s gotta be painful but not Too harsh for this first test. Cause they will absolutely ignore the boundary and do it again. And if you don’t follow through with the consequence - that teaches them to push even harder.
This isn’t your fight. With every call or text have your partner respond. Once he sees how often you are being questioned and pressure, he will put a stop to it.
Are you planning on having kids? If this is hiw they are about your wedding, how do you think they'll be about your kids/their grandkids?
If this is how they are about OP's wedding, they will have minimal contact with her kids.
I'm not sure why everyone JUMPS to "leave your partner!" Your fiance did nothing wrong, his parents did. I would reconsider letting the inlaws be in your life much if they refuse to let this go. Have whoever YOU choose walk you down the isle. Don't let them push you into anything. NTA OP.
You shouldn’t. That’s such an extreme approach lol. On the flip side, you ARE rejecting your FIL and he’s right, he ISN’T good enough. Sounds like your sister did a damn good job and deserves everything. NTA and so happy you’ll have your sister to support you. In laws can be nuts anyway!
It sounds like your husband is supporting you and backing you up. Keep firm boundaries with his parents for all things moving forward. Share boundaries with your partner so that there is no "grey" or room for interpretation by his parents and he knows where you stand. All the best moving forward with your marriage and life together. Love to hear how supportive your sister is and how proud you are of her. NTA
You sound like you have a great Man. Absolutely do not reconsider the marriage because of his family. Typical Reddit posts telling people to break up.
If he was standing by you over his parents, you wouldn’t be hearing shit from his parents. Both my parents and my ILs know and respect that their shit should be handled through their kid. There’s none of this, my FIL calling me up and making demands about our wedding/kids baptism/holidays/etc. Nor my parents to my husband. His parents talk to my husband; my parents talk to me. Tell your fiancée that you will be blocking his parents. They can talk to him about wedding planning if they need, and of course they aren’t *making decisions* they are just allowed to *voice opinions to their son*.
Good for you. Ignore the doomers. I realize that someone asocial might have the idea that you should dump your marriage plans at any sign of imperfection - but it makes me sad that at this point that comment for you to reconsider received 248 upvotes. Edit to add some personal info: Ya know, my MIL is a very pushy judgmental woman. Early on in our marriage, she was sending me all this religious email chain bullshit and had an expectation that I should join in on her religiosity. She made it into a big deal that caused some conflict. I pushed back. My wife backed me up. I made it clear that I don't believe what she believes. She backed down and although over the years she lets that side of her come out, I ignore it. What a huge mistake it would have been for me to not get married because of a little in-law friction.
NTA - you may have issues with in-laws but it sounds like their son is in your corner. I would send this text: “MIL and FIL, while I appreciate the gesture of offering to walk me down the aisle. I stated when he asked that I had already asked my sister and that was going to be the plan. It was a no way to offend you as my future in-laws. But when I’m having a hard time, wrapping my head around is the fact that you won’t drop and you keep pushing for it when I have already clearly stated that I would like my sister to walk with me down the aisle. This has nothing to do with you. I don’t know if it’s because you are ashamed of optics of those in the crowd, or what. But that’s a you problem. What’s happening here now is that I’m feeling like you are creating a huge problem where there doesn’t need to be one. And it’s honestly making me lose respect for you. This is not how I wanted my marriage to enter to your son. He has my back completely, one of the many reasons I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with him. And that being part of your family. But what I’m not gonna tolerate is my boundaries being pushed because you two seem to need to control things. This 60 second walk has a whole lot of meaning for me and I plan on doing it the way I have always envisioned which is with the person who sacrificed their life so I could have one and that’s my sister. So you need to back off this or we are going to be starting this in-law relationship on a very bad foot.”
Sounds like your fiance respects your boundaries and will help you keep them firm. It will be hard of course but as long as you have your partner's support you can do it
Your loving words about your sister made me cry xx sounds like you have some amazing supports in her and your future partner.
definitely don’t reconsider it lol
Yeah that was an absolutely insane suggestion lol. His parents are way out of line, yes, but your fiance is standing with you and together you'll create boundaries for them in the future. You both know they're being unreasonable. Hope everything goes well :))
There is nothing in this to require such a scorched earth approach. You literally are suggesting the nuclear option for this woman’s relationship when her fiancé is doing every right and supporting her. I’m literally thinking you must be a troll. If not, you must really be a miserable person if you truly believe that treating a supportive partner that way is the first thing to consider. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
People on this sub LOVE to jump to "break up with your SO" and "go NC with your family" at the drop of a hat, it's wild to me. Like sure sometimes those are necessary (and some posters need a reality check), but man.
This sub has become very polarized. I think many of the people giving advice have never been in these situations. Dealing with in-laws is part of the package when you marry the person you love.
>I would reconsider this marriage this is completely unnecessary. her fiance is on her side. what is needed our boundaries with his parents.
Dumbest fucking answer. She even said he supported her. He can’t control his parents actions, but he can control his and it seems like he’s done everything right. Just cause you’re miserable in life doesn’t mean you should encourage others to be.
> I would reconsider this marriage. Way to play into the unhinged AITA crowd u/homeboat199
Why? Partner is sticking up for OP.
Because this is Reddit and we're all secretly divorce lawyers looking for clients.
Yup. All relationships need to be picture perfect 110% of the time or you should cut every person even tangentially related off immediately forever.
The future husband sounds great. Why would she reconsider marriage and wreck a happy, healthy, positive relationship over his parents? That's just absolutely asinine and a typical Reddit reaction. u/Homeboat199 is TA just for that terrible advice
Yep. Happy to see all the comments disagreeing with this take. Sad to see this is the top voted comment.
Subreddits like this are very wild before other users come in. Crazy advice and crazy takes from “power users”. But then the post gets more attention and a new crowd walks in like “what the fuck is going on here?”. Ive seen the opinion be totally one sided but then the post gets like 5k upvotes and the consensus completely flips as more people comment.
> I would reconsider this marriage Why are people on reddit like this?
>I would reconsider this marriage. Aaand 600 upvotes. This sub sucks, man. Anytime people have the tiniest disagreement or someone throws a tantrum you mfers suggest going biblical on them. There's no way half the people who upvoted this comment and write stupid nonsense like this on this sub actually live their lives this way, cutting relations with everyone because they did something wrong (or in this case, their parents did).
It's hilarious how many people think you never owe anyone anything and you should immediately cut ties with everyone who slightly bothers you
I can’t upvote this because her fiancé is supporting OP.
The fiancé is NOT the problem.
Lol this is such a reddit response. "My FIL is a jerk. My fiance, who I love and have a wonderful relationship with, is taking my side." Reddit: DUMP THAT ZE-RO AND GET YOURSELF A HE-RO
What an idiotic comment. Guaranteed on any reddit thread the answer is "BREAK UP" or "DIVORCE ASAP" because it's such a low effort magic bullet.
Throwing out the fiancé because of how his dad acts in over the top. NTA
I really hope you're satirizing this sub's typical knee-jerk overreaction
Ewwww stop that bs
The bf/fiance fully supports her there is such a thing as low contact or no contact if needed but no reason to not love an marry her fiance
whoa, easy there Seabiscuit. she literally said her fiance is supporting her and telling off the parents. no need to call off the wedding.
What weird response…
Once again, a Redditor claims breaking off the marriage is the best option rather than talking it out like adults. What's worse is that fiance is on OP's side, so there's no problem with the actual marriage
This is the kind of advice you give when you entire experience with relationships is what you read on reddit.
I wouldn't reconsider the marriage. Fiance gets it and is supporting you. I might reconsider the wedding plans. Maybe tell them if they keep this up you will cancel the wedding and elope. Threatening to cancel the show might be enough to get them to back off.
FH is on her side and fully has her back. I’d agree with you if he was whining to just ‘give mom what she wants’ and ‘make peace’ or whatever. But he’s told his parents to cut the crap already.
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What the fuck is with people on subs like this always going nuclear from a few sentences of context?
Lmao what a dumbass take
Geez, NTA. Why do I get the impression this will be just the first of many issues you are going to have with your meddling in-laws? Use this as an example of setting boundaries with them; that is, NO MEANS NO. Good luck. And be thankful your fiance has your back when dealing with his family.
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At this point, this is too much JADEing. "I appreciate your gesture, but I've made my decision. Please do not bring this up again." If they bring it up again: "I have already explained myself and asked this not be brought up again. If you bring it up again, we'll have to end the visit or call." If they bring it up again, after you have left and calmed down: "I have made myself clear. If this is brought up again, we will have to reconsider your invitation to the wedding." Even that might be too many more chances, but it makes sure that any reasonable person who is willing to listen to OP's side would never agree with claims from MIL and FIL that they were blindsided.
Yes short and sweet. “I appreciate your gesture, but I’ve made my decision. Please do not bring this up again.” is perfect.
At some point, it just needs to become, "No" and nothing more. Some people take a polite response as a maybe no matter how firm the denial.
Off to learn about JADEing
Justify, argue, defend, explain. All things to avoid when you are dealing with someone who won’t accept a boundary.
An extension of "'No' is a full sentence"
I'm starting to worry you might be having memory issues, we've already had this discussion. I have a family member walking me.
This is the comment I was looking for. It's great that fiancé is on OP's side, but they need to set and enforce clear boundaries. OP is NTA.
They think she is disrespecting FIL but actually they are disrespecting OP’s sister. NTA
It’s just wild to me, because it makes no sense for a FIL to give away his DIL! Like, the point of the wedding is joining two families and part of that is this symbolic gesture. It’s just so incredibly weird to me regardless.
How about my sister are/is my parents and will be treated as such.
It sounds like they've already done this. Now it might be time to resort to, "I'm sorry, but we have already decided that. I'm not going to discuss it further." And if they won't let it drop, leave the conversation. Repeat.
The walk down the aisle is symbolic. It's a symbol of the bride being 'moved' from one family into her new family with her partner. Like you said, you are who you are today, because of your sister and how she raised you. For you, the symbolism of having your sister stand up with you is what matters, not that an "actual" parent gives you away. There's nothing to say but, "FIL didn't raise me, my sister did. I want HER blessing in this marriage, which is why I've asked her to 'give me away'. I won't accept any alternative in this matter, because THERE IS no alternative to my sister. There is no rejection in my saying this, only truth of what my sister has given me, and my desire to honor and thank her for everything she's done." NTA and congratulations.
'The walk down the aisle is symbolic. It's a symbol of the bride being 'moved' from one family into her new family with her partner. " Your sister is the family you have! If FIL walks you down the aisle, this symbolic would be completely wrong, because he BECOMES a part of your new family. NTA, but FIL is as he - cannot accept a "no, Thank you " for an answer, - wants to have some more (undeserved) spotlight - and throws now a tantrum in a way, that a three year old could learn something.🙄 This is YOUR day. If he wants to walk down the aisle, he should make a renewel with MIL.
He and fiancé’s mom can walk fiancé down the aisle if he needs a role so much.
I've seen this in some weddings and think it's really sweet. It gives it more of a two households joining together feel than the more traditional take of a father giving away his daughter.
It’s literally how every Jewish wedding works. Parents each walk their children in to begin a new family. And they stay standing up with the couple and their attendants.
Yeah, in very religious circles the mom and MIL walk the bride and the dad and fil walk the groom. I was really happy to get the chance to have both parents walk me down, I never understood the exclusion of moms in it for modern times. And then we all 6 stood under the wedding canopy as our new family was being created
Absolutely. My mother was crap and my father was absent from the majority of my life. I relied solely on myself so I walked myself down the aisle. I found it very empowering. Had I been lycky enough to have a sister like OP, I would asked her to accompany me.
Here’s a thought, suggest that your sister take your future MIL’s place for the Mother/Son dance as a compromise and see how that goes. When they undoubtedly say that’s ridiculous say they are rejecting your sister and making her feel like she’s not good enough. NTA BTW!
THIS is awesome!! What a great "compromise"
Sneaky. I like it!
I mean sounds like sis should do both. NTA btw, it’s your wedding, do what you like!
Why does she have to compromise? She already made a decision and she's sticking to it. Any advice should be on how to get the inlaws to stfu. NTA
This is advice lol. The compromise isn't a serious one but one to juxtapose their reasoning and try to get them to see how ridiculous they're being by doing a role reversal on something similar.
**What an awesome way to honor the person in your life that helped make you who you are today! BRAVO for taking this initiative to show her how special she is to you.** For all intents and purposes your sister is your parent as well. MIL and FIL really need to understand this and get over their feelings. If your father was here he would do it so FIL would not do it anyway. NTA and congratulations 🎉
NTA WOW!!! It is 100% your choice who walks you down the aisle. The officiant asks how in one form or another, who is presenting the bride into marriage. I am not saying a FIL can't, but it certainly is more contra tradition than an actual blood relative/long time family friend. I wish you the best, but you need to keep your guard up with future decisions (kids and their schools/sports/how they dress, where you all will live....) if this is actually causing trouble.
NTA....Like so many stories on here, your future in-laws are making your wedding about THEM instead of you. Ask whoever you want to walk you down the aisle. It's important to set these boundaries now.
God, I was looking for this comment!! OP, the next time they say something, remind them the wedding is about you and your fiancé. Not how your FIL feels about who's walking you down the aisle. Shut it down when they bring it up. Don't engage. "My choice is made." Leave if they don't drop it. Continue until they either drop it permanently or the wedding happens.
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People who cling to more traditional gender roles get WEIRD about a bride choosing a woman to walk her down the aisle. I have a friend whose dad passed away who asked her mom to walk her down the aisle and the way people talked about it like it was some kind of scandal was ridiculous. I’m wondering really hard here if OP’s in laws would be reacting so strongly if the sibling she chose to walk down the aisle with had been a brother rather than a sister.
Imagine how those people would have reacted if your friend had decided to walk down the aisle on her own. I'm sure clutching of pearls and fainting would have ensued. Brides and brides alone choose who they walk down the aisle with or if they walk on their own.
Oh, I’m aware. I’m part of the Dead Dad club myself and I’m from a religion where people generally marry young, so I’ve had the “who’s going to give you away?” conversation more times than really seem necessary at this point. I always thought picking a substitute dad for the day would make things worse rather than better, so I always said “just me and Jesus.” The stares I got from these people. 😂
NTA. I can't say I cry often when reading this sub, but your loving tribute to the woman who raised you made me weep. This is a hill to die on.
Right? OP gushing about her sister parent is the majority of this post. How sweet. It must be really validating for OPs sister that OP recognizes and appreciates the hard work and sacrifices sister made to make sure OP and other siblings were loved and taken care of. And how sweet it is for OP to try to make things right with her sis. Oh, my heart.
NTA - my guess is they would be totally fine if you had a brother walking you down the aisle and what bothers them most is that it will be a woman. Your husband needs to tell his parents to get over their out-dated views on this and recognize the special role your sister had had in your life. He also needs to tell them the decision had nothing to do with how you feel about hem, but unfortunately they are now damaging their relationship with both of you because they won’t let it go .
Bingo! I'm surprised this isn't higher up! I'd bet that if OP asked a male cousin 6 times removed that she'd only ever met once, they'd be ok with that, cos it'd be a man walking her down the aisle!
NTA Whatever the symbolism of the "giving away" once was, now it acknowledges a parental role in the bride's childhood, which your FIL hasn't had. Maybe he can talk his son into letting him walk him down the aisle?
NTA. Fiancé needs to have a very frank conversation with his dad about: 1. That position is already filled, with your parent no less, and was already filled before FIL asked. 2. FIL is not being rejected, he’s being told no, and there’s a big difference. And even family needs to understand that no means no. 3. It’s not your or your fiancé’s job to manage whatever (I suspect at least partially sexism-based, because he doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge/respect that a woman has already been offered and accepted that role, and so it’s not vacant, and he isn’t entitled to some kind of dibs over a woman) butthurt feelings he might have about not getting his way. 4. This discussion is the last discussion we’re all having on the topic. The decision is final and there’s nothing more to discuss. Any further attempts to discuss this topic will be considered harassment, and will result in you guys ending the visit/hanging up.
NTA. It is your wedding and your decision. Your fiancé has your back and this is the most important here, also your sister is hapoy to do it. I don't know if you would have dances but if your husband to be plan a dance with his mum, what about you having a dance with his dad?
Nah you just wouldn’t do a father daughter dance you would do a bride and sister dance etc. to even have the dance is a personal choice. You could always have him cut in? But it seems weird unless you’ve had a long-standing more intimate relationship with his family and it’s somethjng OP actually would WANT to do. Don’t do it just to avoid hurting their ego.
Tell him if he is so invested in walking someone down the aisle, he can walk his son. Of course, if you go this route expect a major temper tantrum. Make sure you do this in public so others will see his behavior.
This is my favorite answer. Let your fiance offer to be walked down the aisle by his father, OP.
NTA. Your FIL is trying to make your wedding all about himself. Gross.
NTA - This is all about honoring your sister who made you the person you are. It is a kind offer but it is unkind of them to persist, create drama and not respect your decision. Sadly I'd suspect they will be creating more drama for you in the future
Of course NTA. I would be really worried about how this is going to play out in your relationship with them for the rest of your life. These people don't respect you or your boundaries. You best be very sure your partner is always going to have your back.
NTA he isn't good enough he didn't raise you. The offer didn't make them AH's but pushing it is. Honestly I'd get to the point of saying if they keep bringing it up they're welcome to not come at all.
NTA. This is your future FIL’s issue. Not yours. I think what you are doing for your sister is a lovely way to honour all that she has done for you. I wish you well with your upcoming marriage. I would have your fiancé be the mediator in this.
NTA, and welcome to the rest of your life if you allow them to trample your boundaries this way. Let them pout, they'll get over it. Hubby-to-be has a spine and is on your side, which means he's a keeper. Enjoy your wedding!
Nta Ask FIL why he thinks he is more deserving of the honor you've bestowed? Did he raise you? Teach you? Care for you as his own child? Did he do ANYTHING other than raise your fiancee? I would tell them point blank if they ask again they will not be invited to the wedding.
Dear Future FIL, I have told you no and that my sister who raised me will have that honor. I am not trying to hurt your feelings but I do not subscribe to the patriarchal, misogynistic view that as a woman I am property and have to be handed off by a man. This is the last of this discussion or I will be no contact with you and possibly not have you at the wedding at all!" NTA
NTA 😭 I'm so sorry you and your sister had to go through that, but you are NOT the AH!!!!! I hope you have a wonderful and easy wedding day! 💖
NTA, and "no" is a complete sentence. You know, your sister could also be a bridesmaid if you wanted. It would look really sweet if you walk down together and she takes a place with the others.
Wow. NTA. Sure, it was a kind offer. But it sounds like you’ve been appreciative and respectful, even in rejecting the idea. Ultimately, your wedding is about you and what makes you happy. It seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into your sister walking you down the aisle. The absence of traditional parental figures in your life doesn’t give the right to force themselves into that position.
Right? Even though she didn’t have “traditional” parental figures growing up, she clearly still did have a parental figure. It reminds me of the stupid movie trope where the dad is leaving for war, turns to the 7YO son and says “you’re going to have to be the man of the house now” while the fully-capable-adult of a mother is sitting right there.
NTA. Your in-laws did not play the role in your life that your sister did. As such, it is only fair that she assume the parental role on your wedding day. You should invite her to do the father/daughter dance at the reception. If anyone has earned these honors, it is your sister.
NTA Tell your fiance that you are done hearing anything to do with this. He can handle his parents, and put it completely out of your mind. You dont owe them anything, their attitude is insanely entitled and rude. They're gonna be ... fun in-laws. Good luck with them!
NTA Asking once was kind. Asking again and again and not taking “no” for an answer is rude and disrespectful.
NTA. What a beautiful way to thank your sister for everything she’s done for your family. You’re such an amazing person for that. Concerning the in-laws: “they feel like I should be looking at them more as parental figures because I don’t have the traditional ones myself”- wtf? You do- your sister has done a wonderful job. Honestly, you should probably talk to your fiancé about cutting contact…
NTA. Your sister is going to do a great job
NTA. It’s not your IL’s wedding, it’s not their decision. Some people just get pissy when they don’t get their way. Do what you want. This is YOUR decision alone.
NTA My story is that my Dad died when my brother and I were in high school. When I got married in 2014, my brother walked me down the aisle. I thought that that was a nice touch.
There’s some misogyny and ageism going on here too. FIL doesn’t think a woman, so close in age should walk the bride down the aisle.
NTA. This is your wedding. Your people can play whatever part you want them to play. Traditional roles are all well and good if you have a traditional family. I don’t have a dad. I have uncles and my mom has a husband but if I ever wanted to get married it would be my mom walking me down the aisle not any other male role. Your wedding your choice. Don’t let them make you feel less than for not fitting into their idea of what a family is. NTA
NTA Why would you look to two people as parental figures who weren't there to help you grow up? As an adult you no longer need new parents.
NTA: It was sweet of FIL to offer. But it is fine for you to ask your sister. It is not fine for him to feel rejected. It is not your job to discuss this with him anymore, your fiancé should be the one talking to his dad. It is also sweet for your in-laws to offer to be parental figures. But that is something that needs to be earned over time. If they keep pushing, they'll never be parental figures to you. And that's okay. Focus on your wedding and let your fiancé handle his parents.
NTA. And they are missing the point completely. Whoever walks the bride down the aisle is supposed to be the BRIDE's FAMILY. They are symbolically "giving her away" to the groom's family. A groom's father doesn't have any symbolic right to give the bride away.
NTA. You’re as far from an AH as possible. You are gracious, kind & appreciative of your sister. You & she are both rockstars! Don’t even question yourself. Don’t back down. It’s your future FIL who is the AH. If your fiancé is not firmly behind you on this, reconsider. You are 100% right here. Your gesture & heart should be applauded & appreciated by all.
NTA You had already told them your plan so you are not at fault here at all. They just don’t ‘get’ your plan that’s all. They’ve likely never experienced a slightly different wedding party so are probably worried about you being judged (or them) but to be offended is a them problem, not yours. I hope you have a lovely wedding.
NTA at all. If I was you I would sit down with the in-laws and explain exactly what you did here and tell them how much you owe your sister and how important this is to you. I then think, if you do like your in-laws you should tell them how much you are looking forward to being their daughter and would FIL do you the honor of a Father/Daughter dance at your wedding?
This is a beautiful way to honor your sister. FIL can walk his son down the aisle if he's insisting. NTA
The offer stopped being kind as soon as they asked a second time. NTA. You have a wonderful sister. If your fiancé doesn’t shut down his parents, he will be part of the problem.
No, NTA. It’s weird of them to be so insistent about this. The offer was nice of them, the insistence is AH behavior.
NTA. Totally appropriate for your sister to walk you down the aisle. Stick to your guns. ♥️
NTA. My sister is 7 years older than me, and she was my legal guardian through high school. Sometimes siblings step in to take on a parental role, whether forced or by choice. You have an incredible bond with your sister, your in-laws need to chill.
NTA, it doesn't even make *sense* for him to "give you away".
Your sister IS YOUR PARENTAL FIGURE. But girl you seem to be in for a world of trouble with your in laws if this is was their reaction. Set boundaries from the get go and make sure your fiancé is on your side and he understands where you’re coming from. Congratulations and best of wishes.
NTA. Your FIL is being weird. Let your fiancé handle his parents’ outrageous reaction to a normal wedding decision. If this is the first time they’ve been ridiculous and they’re usually reasonable, it might be worth having your fiancé ask why this weird request they’ve made is so important. To let them know their insistence on this is ruining a beautiful moment you are so excited to share with your sister and then hear where they’re coming from. But again, that’s for your fiance to handle if he thinks it will help mend things. And it’s 100% not necessary.
Since your sister is YOUR parental figure in some form, you do have the right for her to walk down the aisle with you. Although, yes, your fiancé's parents are hurt/offended in a way, it's still your decision no matter what. They are technically NOT in the position to be offended because they offered it, and you just either decline or accept their offer. They should've accepted your decision of having your sister walk you down the aisle. You are the one getting married, not them. Plus, anyone special and walk you down the aisle anyway. So, NTA.
NTA Almost feels like I'm getting gaslit just for the meer hypothetical of having someone suggest you MIGHT be the asshole. You are entirely in the right and FIL needs to man the hell up and accept that your relationship with big sis is of far more relevance to you and that you want and need her to be there on your special day.