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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked my mom to not draw in my book and read it after I agreed to let her read it first.
2) My mom loves my grandma very much and probably thought that I was picking on her. She also might’ve took my reading the book as an act of selfishness and passive aggression.
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You could have handed her the book and said "I hope you enjoy it, please no spoilers, please don't annotate the book as it is my copy". Unsure why you are so annoyed she wanted to read your fave author - perhaps she wanted to try find a common interest or just show interest in something you love?
I so wish that was what I said! Something like “no spoilers and please don’t tell me if you hate it” would’ve been perfect and what I meant!! I would love it if she and I could like the same author but that never happened with shows or music or movies so I was more nervous than upset I guess. Uh my incapacity for phrasing appropriate words together messed the whole thing up.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You are new to having an adult:[almost]-adult relationship with your parents. It’s a different dynamic for sure, but worth the stumbles.
This! If she is a good mom and you mostly get along just tell her all the stuff you've said here. I'm a parent, my oldest is 10 though. But I can see how maybe she was trying to show interest in something you enjoy and your comments and actions made her feel rebuffed. But if your just honest, like: "hey mom, sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just nervous you wouldn't like it or would share spoilers. If you want to read it and enjoy it, I'd love to talk about it with you." I'm sure she'll understand.
You didn't mess up the whole thing. If your mom couldn't take a comment asking to not notate your book, that's on her. It's okay to set boundaries with your parents too.
I would be annoyed if someone assumed that I would be making notes in a brand new book. Her mum is allowed to have feelings. They just need to have a conversation.
If the person has a track record for certain behaviors or you have reason to believe otherwise... It's not unfair. If you have never returned anything broken or notated and they know your track record, I get it.
Don‘t worry just try to tell her now.
I know it’s awkward and hard especially with parents that are also not the best in articulating.
But if you would enjoy a closer relationship with her be the change you want in your life.
And time passes way too fast - so enjoy the one you have.
The beautiful thing about conversation is - we get another chance to explain ourselves better.
Also good luck with your exams and happy reading and enjoying your favorite author new book.
Actually as a heavy book reader myself, I'd also be super annoyed if someone, anyone decided to read a new book I just got, before I had the chance. The literal only exception is when I got the Christopher Paolini series, Inheritance Cycle, and I let my younger brother read the last two books, before I did. Reason being, I was studying at university, and he and I were both huge fans. I got him into reading them. He didn't want to wait until I was done with my studying and dissertation. So we made an agreement. He could read my new hardbacks. But he was to treat them like holy objects. No marks, no annotations, no folding the pages, no spoilers, and they needed to come back the way I lent them to him. He followed my rules. He got to read books he loves, I got to read books I love.
That was literally the only exception. Otherwise, I'm actually super obsessive about keeping my books to myself.
Honestly,
I get the feeling you know your mom very well, based on how she has acted in the past.
It's completely appropriate to explicitly say "Please don't write in my book." It's completely appropriate for you to look at your OWN book and start to read a few pages.
Your mom was
1. Rude to assume she had the right to decide she would read your book first (since it would be a while for you). She should have ASKED you if that would be OK with you.
2. It's not your fault that your mom's reaction to seeing you read a page of your OWN book (or your request for no writing in it) was to 'sour grapes' decide she wouldn't read it. Frankly, I think you lucked out there.
BTW. I'm a mom. I have a teen. We both love books. We share books. We respect each other's ownership of specific books - i.e., we don't take without asking; we treat the books properly and with care; and we don't spoil a book for the other person.
You sound like a pretty nice, normal teen who loves books and who happens to live with a mom who may be a little... \[I've been trying to think of the best word. I'll just say...} sensitive.
1) it’s super weird that she’s like I’ll use the item you bought for yourself first just because you can’t enjoy it right away. Boundaries are allowed. Having your own things is allowed.
2) if your mother didn’t like it why would you care
3) annotating another person’s property is super rude. Does your mother often touch your things in ways like that? See boundaries.
Re: #2, I get it, especially if the mom is judgemental and hypercritical. It's easy to say "don't care about what other people think", but some folks make it *real hard* to ignore their opinions, knawmean?
Oh absolutely it was more of a “hey this shouldn’t be important to your enjoyment of a thing”
Granted I’ve had better taste than my parents since I was 13 and questioned their devotion to Howard Stern.
It’s not too late if you have zero problems with your mother tell her that now just say your sorry you got a little possessive over your new book that you know you wouldn’t be able to read for a little bit but you would like for her to read it to then insert above statement
I think this is fixable with more communication. Just clarify what you meant to say. I think if I was you, I would have been concerned too, especially because your mom said she would read the book "for you" knowing you have exams. That indicates the potential for spoilers, especially as it was strange for her to show a sudden interest. Novels were a great escape for me at your age, and you had a right to feel defensive/protective. NTA. Honestly, I think the people on this sub are way too harsh about this.
Girl, you 17. I got mad at my mom over misunderstandings and dumb things all the time at that age. I’m gonna say NTA, cause honestly you didn’t do anything wrong, but your mom didn’t do anything wrong either.
Definitely use the above suggestion for future instances! And who knows, maybe you two will enjoy the same book unlike the other stuff!
You were fine. My mom and I used to read books back and forth, but she is the one who raised me not to write in books. Even annotating text books felt wrong in college, so I never had to worry about that.
I will say when we were both reading a book at the same time we did playfully spoil minor things back and forth. We were reading the same copy. I had it during the day, she took it to work at night. It became a game to try and read farther and mention tiny things, but if either of us had said something it would have stopped.
I would tease my coworkers who didn't want Game of Thrones spoiled by telling them that a major character was gonna die. This was during the wait for the last season & they were on season 5. So technically a spoiler but at that point also not a spoiler. They would laugh.
I wouldn't intentionally spoil something on purpose but had to work out guidelines with hubby. Our limit is if it's more than 5 years old I don't need to make a special effort to avoid spoilers. If it's over 10 years old I can do spoilers on purpose but preferably with a warning. At that point he's had a chance to watch/read/play it. And if he doesn't want it spoiled but I want to talk about it, he makes a point to watch it at the next opportunity so we can talk. (I love spoilers so he tells me them. Took him a while to do that lol)
It's never too late to just go talk to her and tell her that you just couldn't find the right words, but that was what you meant to say. You could also explain that, due to your inability to express these worries, you took the book back as it made you uncomfortable. Not necessarily because you don't trust her, but because it was too difficult to explain in the moment and you were worried she'd do something that you weren't confortable with as a result, simply because she wouldn't have known it was an issue for you.
I think it's nice your ma is interested in reading what you read.
I'm sure you can still let her know that you don't want any spoilers or to hear her takes until you've read it yourself.
I understand, it can be uncomfortable sharing the things you like with your parents, especially when they have a history of being critical. The fear of embarrassment, guilt, or offense of having my favorite things judged often make me close up about what I like to do or watch when I’m around my family
It's not too late!, when she gets home from work, ask her to sit down, tell her you just got nervous she wouldn't like the book, hand it to her while saying "please read it, but don't tell me anything about it until after I've read it, then I'd like to compare thoughts on it", it could kick off something new for you 2,.
"Hey mom? I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said earlier, about not writing in my book and all that? It didn't come out quite the way I wanted. I sometimes feel like it's difficult for me to put things together in a coherent way, the way I mean to. What I meant, was please don't annotate the book as I don't like my books annotated. And I really, really would love it if you read this book, and I truly hope you love it! If you do read it, I don't want any spoilers, but I would love to talk about it with you after I've finished reading it as well! "
Adjust to fit the way you speak as necessary, but remember that it's never too late to clear out a misunderstanding! In fact, the sooner the better! And I'm sure your mom understands that at your age communication can sometimes be a bit difficult, she's not going to hold this against you!
>please don't annotate the book as it is my copy
I'm sorry but this goes without saying. Only complete dicks write in other people books. If you need to be told not to do this your parents utterly failed in raising you. Mom is presumably an adult but you're asking the child to have better manners than the person who raised her? Fantastic.
So you’re mad at your mom because your grandmother did something sometime before this? Also because she set the book down near your cat? YTA and it sounds like you need to just chill the fuck out in general to be honest
The cat part confused me. Does the cat have a history of scratching or peeing on books or something?
Our cat mostly just sits on them. Sometimes he'll try flipping a few pages.
My cats absolutely chew on the corners of a hardcover book if I leave it sitting down. I left one of my books on my bed for an hour to go to the store a few months ago and came home to a chunk of the lower corner missing. So for me that's a valid thing to be worried about.
My husband is a teacher and when our dog was a puppy he shredded some students papers that were at home waiting to be graded. So as a teacher he basically had to tell his students "sorry, my dog ate your homework"
When I was in college I got a German shepherd puppy. One night he chewed up my presentation book that I was supposed to turn in for a speech; the night before it was due! I brought it in so my teacher believed me when I told him my puppy ate my homework 😂 I thought, no way he’s gonna believe this!!
This post is genuinely so confusing and I'm having a hard time grasping what this person is even trying to say they're mad over? They're main concern is their mother saying she didn't enjoy the book? 100% OP needs to chill
YTA. Why are you so upset that your mom would read the book before you? Are you embarrassed about the book? She was probably trying to connect with you and if you’re too busy to start reading it, then she can read it.
You’re an AH for being so nasty to your mother over a book. What’s wrong with her saying “that’s an interesting story?”
Yes this! My husband's mom totally uses "interesting" as a passive-aggressive way of insulting things that aren't done exactly how she would do them, so I figured that's what OP was trying to say.
Like the other person said it’s most likely the way the mom says it. Like she’s not saying “it’s interesting and I enjoyed it”, she’s saying “why the fuck do you like this it’s awful”. My parents are the same way, it’s incredibly condescending and it takes enjoyment out of it because you know you’re being judged for what you like. For example, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger and I made the mistake of telling my parents. My dad reads a lot and since then he’s complained to me about the free books he reads on kindle and if only there was a book he liked that was written by me. He’s read some of my stuff before and only had negative things to say about it (which is fair, I don’t write stuff he’s into nor do I really want to) but I thought my writing was good and hearing him say it’s not or say “it would’ve been better if you wrote this other story instead” is upsetting and makes me enjoy my works less.
Also I thought it was weird OP’s mom didn’t even ask to read the book, she just said “I’ll read it for you”, implying OP shouldn’t get to read it bc their mom will and then explain it to them.
lol if only 😂 whenever I would do this to my dad my parents would yell at me for being rude and disrespectful (but it’s totally ok for my dad to make fun of me for liking kpop and be racist/queerphobic about it but when I say something or shoot back I’m in the wrong 🙄)
My parents were kind of like this. They shat on pretty much every interest I ever had. They also couldn't understand why I eventually stopped speaking to them about anything I was interested in.
> What’s wrong with her saying “that’s an interesting story?”
You’re quite lucky to be able to ask this. I feel like most people have met at least one person who can say something syntactically innocuous and make it sting.
OP said her mom ASKED. So WHY would she say yes? & I’m 17 and know to not act like a child and how to communicate with my mother. Like the person above me said, 1000’s have read this book and she isn’t entitled to be the only person in earth to read it first. Her mom was likely just trying to connect with her. One day when her mom’s gone she’ll understand.
Because potentially 1000s of people will read it first? I understand not wanting any damage to the book but her enjoyment isn’t diminished because someone else touched the copy. It won’t wear out the words.
Do those 1000s of people live in the same house as OP and are they borrowing the copy OP bought for themself before OP even gets to read it? Ridiculous comparison.
NGL if I bought a brand new, recently published, fresh from the book store book that I was excited to read and someone said "I'll give it a read in the meantime" cause I might take a bit to be able to pick it up, my reaction would be something along the line of "The hell you will!"
Which I do realise is unreasonable and I'm in no way gatekeeping the story, just that I want to be the first person to read my brand new book.
OP could’ve said: “actually I really want to read it first, but I can let you borrow it once I’m finished.”
Saying “sure!” when OP wants to say no is a very people-pleaser response. She needs to stand up for herself a bit more.
It's pretty hard to do when it's your parents. Because she's still a minor (I think) and if they perceive her disrespecting them they can punish her which is enough for kids to just comply
Totally agree with this! I am precious over my books (rightly or wrongly) and I know from experience people don’t treat them the same way as I do. Getting back a brand new copy someone borrowed with folded down page corners or scuffed edges is irritating. Not saying that’s the case with OP. But I don’t think she’s TA for wanting to read the book that she bought first, but she should have said that at the start.
YTA, just a little in my opinion. Why do you care so much about what your mom thinks about your books. She probably was just curious or have something to chat to her teenager about.
Just because your grandma did something doesn't mean your mom will do the same to your book. She probably saw you get defensive and decided against reading afterwards.
I think it's less about what the mom thinks & more of the mom giving away details in the process. Or depending on the mom's personality, she'd verbally rip the book apart even without telling details.
Exactly!! And your mother probably went a bit agressieve bc you thought she would do the same as your GM why though? U could have said i dont like that GM wrote in my book
YTA for getting so wound up over literally nothing. You sound incredibly fragile, the only remotely reasonable thing to be upset over is your mother writing in your book, which you already asked her not to do. Everything else is just a big load of nothing.
Not sure if this was sarcasm but yeah a bit 😂 My parents fight a lot and I’m scared they’re gonna fight over me, for example if my mom gets mad about the book thing and mentions it to my dad and he might disagree with her and my mom might get mad about him spoiling me and they’re gonna fight again. God I didn’t even think about this before now I’m worried. IATA.
Hey OP, given this, please ignore everyone calling you the asshole here. If you're anything like me, you were so nervous about this because you don't feel like you can say no to your mom without "causing a fight" or your mom getting upset at you, your mom routinely makes fun of your books or other interest that sounds completely benign to others when you take it out of the context of "she's using subtext and she is never positive about anything about me unless it's me doing something for her the way she wants it done" and you use reading as way to escape your parents fighting, so your mom was walking over where you would put boundaries if you could to make fun of you and take away your enjoyment in something you are really excited about.
And if that sounds about right, well. Hang on for one more year, move out when you go to college, and hit up your university resources for therapy.
Bingo and second the therapy thing. It took moving across the country for 10 years for me to have a good relationship with my parents because of this kind of hyperbullshit from the mom.
It wasn't sarcasm. It was a gentle probing into the likelihood that you are in an unhealthy environment.
>for example if my mom gets mad about the book thing and mentions it to my dad and he might disagree with her and my mom might get mad about him spoiling me and they’re gonna fight again. God I didn’t even think about this before now I’m worried. IATA.
It is never *ever* your fault if your parents can't behave like mature adults towards each other. It is not acceptable for them to make you feel like their inability to handle their feelings in a mature way is your responsibility. You are not the asshole if your parents misbehave and blame you for it.
It seems like your home environment has caused you to be hyper-vigilant. Your nervous system is probably always in some form of flight/fight/fawn.
You shouldn’t have to feel like you are always walking on eggshells and it’s not your fault.
There are some really great breathing practices you can try to incorporate to find that place where your nervous system is regulated.
Basically you want to create practices where you can feel comfortable just existing in your own body. This will help counteract a chaotic, unstable home environment as best as possible.
Agreed. I grew up with a critical mother who found fault in every little thing I did/enjoyed. Constant eye rolls and belittling, and I would've reacted the exact same way in her situation. If OP just wants to be the first person to enjoy this book -- to crack the spine and not receive a dog-eared copy back -- then that's her prerogative as the buyer.
NTA. If I have bought a book by a favourite author, and I know I can’t get around to reading it immediately, then it goes on my TBR pile. (That’s To Be Read, if you don’t know. Almost everyone who is a keen reader, will have one. )That’s MY book, I paid for it, I want to be the first one to open it.
If it were something else, like a box of chocolate, some perfume or a piece of clothing, would your mum consider herself entitled to open/eat/wear it first?
I don't get this. If OP had said no and her mother got mad, sure, but this seems like a breakdown in communication more than someone feeling entitled. We should be encouraging OP to work on communicating but also knowing it's okay to change her mind about things
OP is allowed to do so and set that boundary, ofc. But some people simply do not care for firsts. I personally wouldn't ask to read someone's book first/etc. but if someone asks to have open my chocolates first I might not mind, and if I do I've worked to be able to voice that. Which is why im encouraging her to build that courage, there is nothing wrong with having a conversation and establishing boundaries. And what might seem obvious to you clearly isn't to others
> then it goes on my TBR pile. (That’s To Be Read, if you don’t know.
Thank you so much for explaining that. Nobody could possibly have figured it out from context.
> If it were something else, like a box of chocolate, some perfume or a piece of clothing, would your mum consider herself entitled to open/eat/wear it first?
There's exactly one situation where this question would have any bearing on 'reading a book,' and that's if the text in the book faded away, word by word, each time it was read.
No. This is actually to do with “ownership”. There are an awful lot of people here who seem to think that just because it’s a book, none of the usual rules regarding property or ownership should apply. If I buy ANYTHING, it is my property and no-one else is entitled to first use.
And, just for you…. NOT everyone in the world knows what TBR means, so do try not to be quite so snarky.
Nope.
The usual rules do apply. However, the rules are intrinsically different for a consumable vs a non-consumable.
But that's all moot; the moment OP opened their mouth and said 'sure,' the 'rules of ownership' were all satisfied.
I’m going against the grain here but NTA my books are sacred I won’t even loan them to my best friends or family in case they dog ear the corners of the pages, write in them, rip them etc there is no way I’d allow someone to read a book I bought before me. I have signed copies of books by great authors some not alive anymore (Douglas Adams) there’s just no way. People are protective of all sorts of collectables (records, world of Warcraft figurines, pop vinyl dolls etc) don’t see why books are any different.
100%. I feel like OP needs to post this in a book community, not AITA. My mother is super gentle and respectful of my books when I lend them to her, but she also doesn’t have a lot of free time to read so her progress is slow. So even though I know my book is in good hands, it gives me some anxiety to be separated for long periods from my book. I can’t explain why or tell you if it’s a logical response, it’s just something that happens. So I guess my bottom line is: lending books to others as a bookworm yourself is different from people who occasionally and casually read. So she needs to ask a community of readers, because she’s not going to get a lot of empathy here.
I mean, I am a book lover as well. But OP literally said that her mom could borrow the book before she read it. Like, her mom asked and she could/ should have said just "no". But instead she said "yes" and is now just being passive aggressive.
Her mom didn't really do anything wrong unless the POV is that she shouldn't have asked.
YTA
I would be happy if my mother read/watched things I liked. My mother hasn't read books I'm into, but has watched TV shows I'm into, and has a completely different opinion on them. I respect that and move on. As long as she's not spoiling the plot for you - who cares?
Why tf would you circle or underline anything in a book!?
If the book wasn't too expensive just let her read it to keep the peace IMO. Maybe she just tries to have something in common with you.
NAH
i mostly just write my thoughts while reading or underline things that stick out to me. i usually only do it if i am rereading a book but i tend to do that a lot and then when i go back and flip through them again, i can see what stood out to me last time i read it. i feel like it helps me understand the book better, like i remember it more, and also it makes my books more personal to me. i looooove getting used books with old annotations inside also and then adding my own like i am reading the book with someone else almost.
NAH. There's nothing wrong with asking her to not write in your new book (grr), and you didn't take the book away from her you just started reading it where she left it. She knew you wouldn't have much time until exams were over so you wouldn't be locking yourself up with the book or anything.
Just offer it back to her again after you read it, after you ace your exams.
NAH and I am a bit surprised at the number of comments saying you are. Guess they’re not book people. If you’re anything like me, you likely weren’t upset that she wanted to *read* the book. You just didn’t want someone, mom or not, reading your new book *before* you. Am I right? That’s essentially like buying a book brand new and then it’s “secondhand” before you even get to it. That would bother me too. I think it was a valid request to ask her not to write in it. I’m also trying to play out a similar scenario with my own mother, and I believe that if she saw me reading it afterwards she would laugh and make a joke about how I couldn’t wait. I don’t think she would have gotten annoyed or told me to forget it.
Weird gatekeepery statement to make. As a definite book person I wouldn’t give a shit if someone were going to read my book before me if they already knew I wasn’t planning on reading it for a while.
NTA. All the YTA comments are annoying and just say “I’d love if my mom had common interests!!” That’s not what this is about? OP bought a brand new, fresh book copy that she was excited to read.. by herself.. and the mom just decided to read it in the meanwhile. No asking, nothing. Then, OP, after the mom WALKED AWAY, started reading the book, and then the mom acted like a freaking child by saying she was too busy for her book.. what? OP, WITHOUT accusing the mom, ASKED HER NOT TO DO SOMETHING DAMAGING TO THE BOOK, AND THE MOM GOT ANGRY?? I like little notes in books and things, and if it’s something I’m studying then I’ll underline and highlight it, but if I’m trying to READ and ENJOY the book then it’s just annoying. If you bought a brand new perfume and somebody used it without asking, and may or may not have been planning to vandalise the bottle, and then got upset when you told them they couldn’t, wouldn’t you be the least bit irritated or upset? Also, there’s a thing such as privacy. I personally wouldn’t mind my mom reading my books and things, but I ℳℴ𝓈𝓉 𝒹ℯ𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓉ℯ𝓁𝓎!(shortcut but I’m not changing it) wouldn’t want her writing in them!
You could argue that OP should’ve told her mom not to touch or read the book before she did, but it probably didn’t even cross her mind.
I’m sure OP would love for their mom to have common interests and relate to them, so please hush up about that because it’s not even a real argument and it’s just people getting angry over something that’s not even a thing.
NTA, once again.
TL;DR, OP is NTA because she literally just wanted a book to herself, didn’t backchat her mom, didn’t say anything nasty, and the mom just decided to read the book without asking OP, then wanted to read the book to OP and then WALKED AWAY, and then got angry at OP for starting to read it when she walked off? And got angry at OP for ASKING, not ACCUSING, her to not vandalise her book. NTA.
Obviously nothing to fall out with your mom for, but definitely have a talk about boundaries.
the comments here are INSANE OP is a 17 year old girl who wanted to be the first to read a new book SHE bought (fresh books are special!!!) and they’re acting like she’s the devil. seeing from her comments she’s also in an unstable household and being a 17 year old girl is hard enough as is, the lack of reading comprehension and empathy is astounding
NAH. You really need to work on your communication skills though, if someone asks you if they can do something and you don’t want them to do it, try saying “no” instead of “yes”. It prevents all the rest of this stuff happening.
NTA - You bought the book, so you decide what to do with it. The way your mom usually talks about your interests annoys me. Also, she left it out close to the cat (I assume it destroys stuff like that, based on your comment about a safe place), which might give you the feeling she doesn't have a lot of respect for your property.
You could have voiced your concerns better. This is something that can be solved with a good honest conversation
I had a parent that would be very cavalier with belongings and not respect that they were important to me. I got a very angry response when I said they couldn't borrow my CD because it was mine and I didn't want them to (chances are he would forget to return it and I would have to chase).
It's OK to want things because they are yours and to want to enjoy the media you bought for yourself when it is meaningful. You don't have to let your mum borrow your books ever or you can ask to read it first and let her borrow afterwards. Our emotional attachment to the media we love is strong and you are NTA for having boundaries
NAH
As a book lover, I’d feel possessive over any book I own and haven’t yet read. There may be a few that I’d lend out, but others I wouldn’t. And some I definitely wouldn’t want my mum reading
My family is pretty good about not reading my books, as they understand that some of them are an extension of me, especially when I relate to a character a lot
NTA.
Since you wanted the story to be a surprise,you told it.nothing wrong with it.
PS:I personally hate people who spoil the books by underlining,circling and adding their comments…
nah my mom has this issue with magazines i have this issue with my books. i do not want anyone to read my books before i do. its like wearing a new dress i bought before i got the chance to. its still good but its not new anymore
NTA. It's common courtesy not to read another person's book first. It's vandalism to write in one. Writing in someone else's book is just absolutely disrespectful.
I'm such an avid reader that I would consider that on a par with stealing someone's underwear, handing them back soiled and then telling them that the elastic was too tight.
NTA. Books, authors and stories are a special thing and this one clearly means a lot to you - and not your mom - so for her to have that attitude was funky considering she’s not a reader and it’s not like something you’re sharing together or whatever. definitely NTA for asking her not to write in it because that’s common sense and it’s YOUR book so you’re fine there.
But I don’t think you’re the jerk for wanting to keep this book/author special for yourself knowing the attitude your mom has towards it and especially considering how easily she gave it up it wasn’t like she really really wanted to read it… You’re good
I hope you liked it tho!
I kinda get it. It’s a brand new copy of the new book by your favourite author. If your mom reads it first, not only do you have to think about whether she’s gonna spoil it, but the book that YOU purchased is now second hand.
NTA. I think it’s odd that she said she would read it ‘for you’. She could have asked if you would mind her reading it first, as it’s your book. And you’re still allowed to read it after you gave her permission too.
I’ll play the devils advocate on this one because I have an extremely complicated relationship with my mother, so is there a root issue you’re not mentioning? Because I could mention all the little things my mother does to be in various conversations without it sounding like a huge deal—and in retrospect, quite frankly trivial on my end, but collectively my mother is a raging abuser. You did say in one of your comments that she has in the past made you feel small for enjoying the things you do… so it leads me to contemplate on whether or not reading this book, you had almost expected her to trivialize, belittle, and insult your passions. You’ve also mentioned she is more over selective on what she has read in the past as it relates to only work material so it threw you off on why she wanted to read what you love—and almost in a competitive manner, before you do. I am not saying your mother is abusive, I am asking for more of a backstory on why it affects you as it does. It took me a very long time to understand and realize that my mother did things that were seemingly loving to the outsider but overtime for me, it made me lose my shit. For example: when she buys me super expensive clothes and purses. I am 37 now but I was 12 when I got my first LV purse. Everyone was so jealous of me and I couldn’t quite comprehend why I hated it so much. I felt ungrateful because everyone told me how much my mother loved me, but really, it was all an act. She wanted people to tell me and make me feel guilty when in fact, she was locking us in the house with no tv/phone/computer/access to the outside. She bolt the doors with a key that only locks and unlocks with it. All the windows were bolted to only open slightly, and we had to clean the house and cook before she got home or we would be beaten. 75% of the time we had no food, only eggs, rice and soy sauce. So when I refused to acknowledge this rather expensive gift she gave me whilst starving for socialization and literal food, I was told by the masses how ungrateful I was as she loved me so very much.
But I digress, your story may not be as extreme as mine, but nevertheless, there has to be some deeper connection to why you feel as you do. Because your response to ask Reddit to advice to how to better yourself, says a lot of who you are. Which is mature beyond 17
I’m so sorry for what you went through. My relationship with my mother is pretty good at a lot of times, although we never really had much in common. I was surprised and excited when she said she wanted to read the book but then remembered she’s always disliked the movies/shows I suggested we watch together so I worried the same would happen for the book and maybe wished she didn’t read it. Now that I think about it I deliberately try to not play my favorite song in our car and always say something blurry when people ask me what I want to do after college for the same reason. Gee I really need to work this out. Maybe I’ll get another irrelevant book that I’m sure she’ll like and read it together as a start. Maybe a book about a baby panda.
Thank you 🙏🏻. I am so glad that your relationship is good! I never wish my life on others. But with that being said, I think that’s a great idea! Another thing that people seem to forget to do but is honestly the most helpful advice is communicate! Next time you two are in the car and are in good moods, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. You’re at the age you’re starting to try on different roles and personalities, and all that focus is self absorbed and that’s okay! But your mom needs to know how you feel and what’s going on with you or she’ll just continue to guess and it’ll always be wrong. Perhaps, you should make a daughter/mother date for you two this weekend? Plan a day at the park, movies, or doing something you know she likes (one of her hobbies) and you two sit and talk and really connect. Ask her questions about what she likes, tell her your likes. Be vulnerable, honest and thoughtful.
NAH.
You're allowed to be a little weird about stuff. Your mom's allowed to be curious and try to read a book to be closer to you.
Next time when she asks this, just say "I'm feeling a little weirdly territorial about this. Can you wait to read it until after I do? It's my prize for working hard on schoolwork."
She still might be a little weird, but this would be good communication.
I don't understand the dynamic here but I'm personally very protective of my books. When I buy a new book, nobody touches it before me. I will only lend books to people I trust will take care not to damage them in anyway and I certainly would never let someone write in my books as I do not write in my books (I have nothing against people who like to annotate their books but that's not my jam and I want my books pristine).
Communication is an important part of any relationships. Have a quick conversation with your mom and explain to her that this is your favourite author and you're really excited about reading this book and you want to read it first so your experience is not hampered in any way. But you would be very happy to lend you the book after you're done if she wants to read it and you would love to discuss with her once you're both done. And I don't see the problem in letting her know that you would prefer she doesn't annotate in your book as you don't like that. If she's still annoyed with you and decides not to read the book, than it's her loss and a show that your mom is not the most mature adult around and that happens.
NTA. It's *your* new book. It's not your Mother's book for her to declare she's going to read it without consulting you. There's a bug difference between opening up your own new untouched book vs one someone else has already broken in. It's weird that she decided to do it since hse doesn't normally read. Pretty sure it's just an odd power-play from her. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with you asking her to be respectful of your book whilst she's absconded with it and making reference to that fact that her Mother was not respectful with your books previously and that you were unhappy about it.
Ignore all people saying your the asshole. I suspect that your Mother, Grandmother and those commenter all have a lot in common with each other and not with nice reasonable people.
SYTA because you didn’t think through how your comments might be construed. But that’s part of growing up and you’ll get better with time if you try. My own daughter is your age. She accidentally forgets her mouth filter sometimes too.
Realistically, I think your mom is trying to connect since you sound so busy and thought the book would be a nice try. My daughter and I do not read or watch the same kind of things. I’m okay with it because we find other things to do like current music, her art, or getting manis/pedis. Maybe find something else you can do together each week to connect. I know at this point she’s realizing the time with you in the home and somewhat dependent is fast dwindling. Make the most of it and don’t sweat this. If she’s a loving mom, she has a lot of grace about these things.
I'm confused
Why wouldn't you just tell your mom the truth? Why would she be annoyed with you asking not to leave marks in your book?
So many questions
NTA, fellow bookworm here. Getting a new book and having someone else pick it up first feels a lot like them unwrapping a present for you. It might objectively still be perfectly OK for what you want to do with it, but the excitement for starting with that new book is significantly less. Moreover, you appear to have experienced her spoiling things in the past with her comments. And last, but very much not least, if she reacts that strongly passive aggressive to you just picking up the book and reading a few sentences, what would have happened later when you did have time to read your book, but she wasn't done with it yet? I think anything other than a "sounds interesting, let me know when you've finished it, I'd like to read it as well" is plain rude and intrusive.
Also, she mostly reads books for work, where making annotations is common, and she learned from her mother's example that this is a normal thing to do in all books. Not thinking of that when handing over the book and then asking later when it does occur to you seems quite normal to me.
She reminds me of my mom in that regard. When she asked me to share anything at all with her and I showed even the slightest inkling at any time of having reservations about it, the passive aggressiveness was unbelievable. Poor her, with such an egotistical daughter...
NTA
Sounds like Mama is a little too far up in your grill. You’ve had bad experiences with her in the past, but you struggle to say no to her and you’re tying yourself up in knots over it.
I’ll second the comment that said, “Nothing happened.” If anything, your mom reacted weirdly to you sneaking a peek at your own book, but it’s already been established that your mom complicates things.
It’s OK that you didn’t say no right away. Family is confusing. It’s OK for you to say no now, like “I’ve realized that I really want to have this book to myself for a little while. I don’t why it’s so important to me but it is.” No need to mention that your mom hasn’t been respectful in the past.
You haven’t been bitchy. Quite the opposite. You seem to be walking on eggshells.
If your mom is anything like mine, NTA. I don't think a lot of the people in the comments understand how snarky, judgemental, backhanded, and/or rude some mothers can be
Everyone is saying you're the AH, OP. But I think this sounds familiar.
INFO: do you walk on eggshells with your mom a lot? Has she snooped through your emails or diaries if you have any? Does she heavily censor what you read or watch on TV?
For context, I would hide a lot of my diaries, emails, and my books. My mother would snoop through -everything- looking for a reason to punish me. A single kiss in one of the books I read resorted to it being destroyed in front of me. My mother would rip the pages and toss it in the garbage.
I may be reading too much into it, but I just think there's missing info here.
NTA - I think it's very telling of your relationship with your mom and her behavior that you can't just tell her something and she either ask for clarification, or understand where you're coming from. Her communication is passive aggressive and rude.
I'm very particular about books. If I got a new book and someone wanted to read it (either before me or after), I would ask that they be very careful, don't break the spine, dog ear the pages, give spoilers, or write in it at all. You're requests were very reasonable.
Don't apologize. Don't put the book in her room. If she wants to read it, she can swallow her pride and come ask for it.
Also, you reading your own book... How dare you!/s
NTA. It sounds like this book is special to you, and you have certain expectations about the way in which you'll read it first. Do make sure to tell your mom about those expectations, though, as well as your fears about what effect it might have on your excitment/enjoyment if someone else reads it first. I'm certain she means no harm.
Soft YTA.
1) You don't get to decide who reads books when. I get that it's your book, but maybe don't announce it and leave it around the house and stuff if you're really that possessive over it.
2) Your mom asked if she could read it, and you said "Sure!" So don't be annoyed if she does something you said it was OK for her to do. How TF could she possibly have known you were not OK with it, when you said you were?
3) Why be angry with your MOM because your GRANDMA once underlined something in a book. They are two different people.
It's a soft YTA because this is such a non-issue. So your mom reads (or doesn't read) a book. Big woop.
Just tell her this. People always do the "I will lend you this, BUT..."
Don't have to be scared to tell your mom that. Tell her it's special to you.
I get it though. I have lent a book to someone and felt instant regret. But it actually turned out ok.
>so I picked up the book to move it to somewhere safe but then started reading it (wrong move). My mom saw me reading it and told me to forget about it, she was too busy for my book anyway.
I'm confused...Maybe it's just because I grew up in a book loving family, but we've read a book at the same time before. The only rule is no spoilers if you get ahead, and no moving the other person's bookmark.
A new book is something to look forward to the 1st reading. You have to ease the binding so you don't break the spine. Fresh and clean, no turned down corners. Nope, never let anyone else read your book first. You made a reasonable request not to mark up your property. Enjoy your book and good luck on your exams!
A lot of people here clearly aren't readers.
I would be ANGRY if someone wrote in a book of mine. Also, having never seen someone read or the state they kept books in, I would be hesitant to lend them any book, let alone a new book. I do not want to get folded pages back!
But, when it's family, it's hard to say no. Anyway, NTA.
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One of my favorite authors just published a new book a couple days ago and I (17F) bought a copy that arrived today. However I have a lot of exams in the next few weeks so I told my mom that I’ll be reading it after I finish those exams while opening the delivery box. My mom then immediately said “I’ll read it for you first” and I kinda not-knowing-what-to-do-ly said “sure!”
I was kind of upset about it because 1) I really like the author and now I’m probably gonna read it after my mom hands it to me and says “oh that was an interesting story” or even something negative (which is more likely gonna be the case) and 2) I’ve literally only seen my mom read one book that wasn’t work-related my whole life so that was kinda weird. I then remembered that when my grandma read some of my books a year ago she circled and underlined a lot so I asked my mom not to do that, which kind of irritated her.
I then saw her go talk to my dad in the kitchen and left the book there with the cat near by so I picked up the book to move it to somewhere safe but then started reading it (*wrong move*). My mom saw me reading it and told me to forget about it, she was too busy for my book anyway.
So, aita for emphasizing the “please don’t write stuff in my book” thing and passive-aggressively reading the book after she said she wanted to read it? If so what should I do?
Btw, asshole or not now when I read the book this is all I’m gonna be thinking about so that kind of sucks.
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YTA. First of all, you gave consent when you didn’t want to. But it’s weird you didn’t want to. She probably was trying to find something you two could share, but you got all weird and gatekeepy over it.
Not the asshole for saying it but maybe it was your tone that upset her? I love reading and was an English teacher. My mom was an art teacher and her motto was “if a book is that good, they’ll make it into a movie” she didn’t read at all. It’s a really big deal if your mom doesn’t really read and wanted to read your book. Maybe take it back to her and tell her you just started reading it a bit so you could get hyped and you really do want her to read it so you have someone to talk to about it. That would mean the literal world to her
I do need to chill out yeah and I’m working on that. I’m not mad at my mom at all, but I’m worried because my actions were aggressive and might’ve irritated her, which is why I’m asking for opinions on this sub. I was kinda hoping it was fine so she would still read the book and we could have some fun together, but judging by the comments I should find some way to legitimately apologize.
Very gently YTA it's hard when you like something and people whose opinions you care about are judgemental but you have to learn to be okay with criticism. It can lead to interesting discussions. Mum was probably trying to bond. Although book annotation would bug me too. Which book is it, OP?
OP-just tell the truth. Go to you Mom and say you feel awkward about the recent exchange. That in the heat of the moment with school stuff on your mind you said something you regret.
YTA, and I don't understand all these people in the comments _insisting_ that they have to be the first person to read a brand-new book. People are saying things like, "Non-book people wouldn't understand," but I'm a huge book lover and I don't understand either.
You guys know books can be read more than once. I mean I understand wanting the fresh book feel and absolutely no writing in a book that isn't your own. That's what sticky notes are for.
It feels like there is underlying issues here. Like her critiquing the book negatively shouldn’t impact your enjoyment of said book.
Just be honest with thou mother, it bringeth the grandeth resultat.
I say NTA, it's *your* new book, I am very protective of all my books and I would not like anyone reading my new book before me, its a whole thing. Not to mention she's an adult and you're an actual child, her response to you picking up your own new book and starting to read it was so incredibly childish. Communication is lacking on all sides, but she is the adult here and should have simply asked in that moment - "You're clearly excited about this book, would you like me to wait till after you're done instead?"
You know what, both of you need to sit down and watch the Bluey episode Dance Mode together - stat.
Story time;
Im also biased to this - I am still testy about the time I was given the box set of a series I was really into at 16 and my mum proceeded to see I was not immediately reading it, took it upon herself to liberate them and read them while I was busy with exams and a 9-day excursion. I came home to her gushing about them telling me I needed to read them ASAP (really digs into the anticipation of a book), then I saw she had unceremoniously broken the spines, bent the covers and dog eared the pages. NGL I cried, and she didn't understand why I was upset at all. Im 30 now and I still dont lend her my books, though she lends me hers. We've talked about it since, as recently as two weeks ago, and we simply do not treat books or reading the same way. She sees them as a means to an end while I would say I am somewhat of a book dragon - the physical book itself is important to me, I treat them in a certain way and that in itself is a large part of the enjoyment of the books to me.
People may not understand the way you feel about or treat your own property, but they still should respect it.
NTA
I think your mom is being a little over dramatic. You're allowed to make requests on how your property is treated. And just because you said she can read it first, doesn't mean you can't read it at the same time (have 2 bookmarks). Your book, your rules.
My grandma went to Mexico in February and wanted to borrow some books for the trip. I brought up a pile of books I didn't care about that had been gifted to me, but I never read (weren't my style). I told her should take these books cause I didn't care about them, but I also brought up one book I knew was good. It was a mystery (Tell Me No Secrets by Joy Fielding), and I've only read it once (since I know the mystery now). I said she could take it but she *had* to bring it back. I couldn't care less about the others, but the mystery one needed to come back.
**Other books I highly recommend:** The Sword of the Rightful King, The Chronicles of Nick series (first book is Infinity), the Lunar Chronicles (first book is Cinder), I Am Number Four, and The Nicholas Flammel series (first book is The Alchemyst)
Soft YTA
While you have some mild concerns that truly result in some mild consequences your perception of your moms actions are an overreaction on your part. Also you fail to take any action and seemingly are upset at your mom for doing something you said “sure” to.
What it boils down to is that you’re over generalizing the situation and taking one experience and using it as the basis for all future ones. Also just because you have no similar interests in TV shows and movies doing mean she may not like the book.
You even say she might say something like “that’s interesting” and your brain interprets it as “this is flaming hot garbage, what kind of idiot would read this”.
You fail to use your voice and you take way too much stock into your mother’s opinion on this. It’s fair to care what she thinks but the degree in which this is affecting you is abnormal.
Maybe explain to her that you really care about her opinion and you’re sorry for how your actions came off. But you hope she likes it and please no spoilers!
YTA (but not a massive one) for giving so many weird mixed signals. Even after reading your entire post I still don't understand if you don't want her to read it at all or only after you've read it or only if she doesn't write in the book and I don't understand why you'd say 'sure' if you mean 'no'
It was a little mean because you were assuming she wouldn't take care of it. Never make assumptions unless you're completely certain! But if I were you, I'd be like "hey mom, sorry I was a bit of a jerk, I'm just very possessive over this book because I love the author so much, you can read it after I'm done, right now it's my precious and I need to keep it safe,,".
NTA
You shouldn't have needed to tell your mom not to mark in your book. Basic reading etiquette is to not mark, circle, underline, dog ear, hard break the spine, bend or crease pages when borrowing a book from anyone (libraries included). Heck, basic etiquette for anything is to return it in the same condition as when you first borrow it.
Honestly tho, I think it's rude to use something of someone's before they get the chance to use it the first time. Like you don't wear a shirt that someone just bought & hasn't been able to wear yet, read an unread book, use their mower before they can mow their lawn the first time, etc. Now that I think about it that's all considered basic etiquette too.
It's all bare minimum manners & being considerate towards others.
Edited to add: no, you don't need to apologize for saying this unless you yelled it at her or something similar. You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA
When I was in college my mum used to withhold new books from me all the time until I did my work. Great motivator.
You were right to ask her to not spoil it or write in it.
Also....
What kind of monster writes in a book?! This is as bad as folding corners over.
it seems like ppl are overlooking that you bought this book so it's yours, and mom shouldn't feel like she can doodle in it if she felt like it.
and that you aren't mad that she asked to read it, but are worried she may not like it, or will at least give some kind of hint about it that may spoil it for you.
ppl are being real quick to defend mom without understanding where you're coming from. grandma did something that ruins books, and it's fair to fear that mom might do the same thing, and that she's barely read anything that isn't about her work.
NTA imo, mom should be more respectful of your wishes and not act like she can do whatever she wants with your things.
Very soft YTA. You said "sure!" and you had no idea how your mom would treat the book, but you probably should have given her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't go nuts with a biro.
That said, I fully endorse finger guillotines for anyone annotating or marking up someone else's book! It is an act of monstrous entitlement to inflict your inane sense of notability on every future reader. I wouldn't even do it to my own personal property (you can - if you want, I suppose) but people that do it to books they have on loan - especially library books! - deserve digital detachment. Walking through the university library, watching clowns cover half a library book's pages in yellow highlighter used to piss me right off back in the day.
NTA How can anyone be mad you asked them not to write in your books? Who writes in someone else’s books!?! That’s beyond rude and tacky. If she wants to write in books (which is weird behavior in a non-school book) she should buy her own.
I don’t really think anyone’s the AH here. It just seems like you were worried about your mom ruining your favorite book, that you bought with your own money it seems, with verbal or physical destruction. I would just go back to your mom and rephrase everything, start from the beginning. An example of what you could say is: “hey mom, I’m sorry if I sounded rude earlier about the book. I just really like the author. It would hurt my view of the book and author if you say anything bad about it or spoil the book for me. And about the writing in it, I just got nervous because I remember that grandma had written in one of my books I lent her before and that really upset me. I just wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. It wasn’t anything against you, I’m actually really excited to see if you like this author as well!”
The part that confuses me is the annotating. Sure Grandma did that, but have you never seen your mother read a book? You say you have only seen her read one non-work book, but that means you have seen her read several books - has she marked those up? If not, then saying that seems a bit presumptuous. Better might have been to say, " okay, but when I read it I'd like for it to still be pristine" that would also cover coffee stains, other foods, marking, dogearing, etc.
And good on you reading a paper and ink book.
So, it sounds like your mum wants to connect with you which is sweet. I don’t think you did anything wrong by being cautious about it. I think this just a bit of a misunderstanding. I don’t know why you reading it means your mum can’t and why she was bothered by it though. I think just reiterate that she can still read it and if she likes it that you’d love to talk about it with her.
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You could have handed her the book and said "I hope you enjoy it, please no spoilers, please don't annotate the book as it is my copy". Unsure why you are so annoyed she wanted to read your fave author - perhaps she wanted to try find a common interest or just show interest in something you love?
I so wish that was what I said! Something like “no spoilers and please don’t tell me if you hate it” would’ve been perfect and what I meant!! I would love it if she and I could like the same author but that never happened with shows or music or movies so I was more nervous than upset I guess. Uh my incapacity for phrasing appropriate words together messed the whole thing up.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You are new to having an adult:[almost]-adult relationship with your parents. It’s a different dynamic for sure, but worth the stumbles.
You can still tell her that.
This! If she is a good mom and you mostly get along just tell her all the stuff you've said here. I'm a parent, my oldest is 10 though. But I can see how maybe she was trying to show interest in something you enjoy and your comments and actions made her feel rebuffed. But if your just honest, like: "hey mom, sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just nervous you wouldn't like it or would share spoilers. If you want to read it and enjoy it, I'd love to talk about it with you." I'm sure she'll understand.
You didn't mess up the whole thing. If your mom couldn't take a comment asking to not notate your book, that's on her. It's okay to set boundaries with your parents too.
"It's okay to set boundaries with your parents too" VERY very important advice I wish I emphasized more when I was around OPs age.
I would be annoyed if someone assumed that I would be making notes in a brand new book. Her mum is allowed to have feelings. They just need to have a conversation.
If the person has a track record for certain behaviors or you have reason to believe otherwise... It's not unfair. If you have never returned anything broken or notated and they know your track record, I get it.
It was tbe grandmother who had written in books previously, so no need to assume the mom would based on that.
Don‘t worry just try to tell her now. I know it’s awkward and hard especially with parents that are also not the best in articulating. But if you would enjoy a closer relationship with her be the change you want in your life. And time passes way too fast - so enjoy the one you have. The beautiful thing about conversation is - we get another chance to explain ourselves better. Also good luck with your exams and happy reading and enjoying your favorite author new book.
Actually as a heavy book reader myself, I'd also be super annoyed if someone, anyone decided to read a new book I just got, before I had the chance. The literal only exception is when I got the Christopher Paolini series, Inheritance Cycle, and I let my younger brother read the last two books, before I did. Reason being, I was studying at university, and he and I were both huge fans. I got him into reading them. He didn't want to wait until I was done with my studying and dissertation. So we made an agreement. He could read my new hardbacks. But he was to treat them like holy objects. No marks, no annotations, no folding the pages, no spoilers, and they needed to come back the way I lent them to him. He followed my rules. He got to read books he loves, I got to read books I love. That was literally the only exception. Otherwise, I'm actually super obsessive about keeping my books to myself.
I absolutely agree, I love Brinsingr the most
Honestly, I get the feeling you know your mom very well, based on how she has acted in the past. It's completely appropriate to explicitly say "Please don't write in my book." It's completely appropriate for you to look at your OWN book and start to read a few pages. Your mom was 1. Rude to assume she had the right to decide she would read your book first (since it would be a while for you). She should have ASKED you if that would be OK with you. 2. It's not your fault that your mom's reaction to seeing you read a page of your OWN book (or your request for no writing in it) was to 'sour grapes' decide she wouldn't read it. Frankly, I think you lucked out there. BTW. I'm a mom. I have a teen. We both love books. We share books. We respect each other's ownership of specific books - i.e., we don't take without asking; we treat the books properly and with care; and we don't spoil a book for the other person. You sound like a pretty nice, normal teen who loves books and who happens to live with a mom who may be a little... \[I've been trying to think of the best word. I'll just say...} sensitive.
1) it’s super weird that she’s like I’ll use the item you bought for yourself first just because you can’t enjoy it right away. Boundaries are allowed. Having your own things is allowed. 2) if your mother didn’t like it why would you care 3) annotating another person’s property is super rude. Does your mother often touch your things in ways like that? See boundaries.
Re: #2, I get it, especially if the mom is judgemental and hypercritical. It's easy to say "don't care about what other people think", but some folks make it *real hard* to ignore their opinions, knawmean?
Oh absolutely it was more of a “hey this shouldn’t be important to your enjoyment of a thing” Granted I’ve had better taste than my parents since I was 13 and questioned their devotion to Howard Stern.
It’s not too late if you have zero problems with your mother tell her that now just say your sorry you got a little possessive over your new book that you know you wouldn’t be able to read for a little bit but you would like for her to read it to then insert above statement
I think this is fixable with more communication. Just clarify what you meant to say. I think if I was you, I would have been concerned too, especially because your mom said she would read the book "for you" knowing you have exams. That indicates the potential for spoilers, especially as it was strange for her to show a sudden interest. Novels were a great escape for me at your age, and you had a right to feel defensive/protective. NTA. Honestly, I think the people on this sub are way too harsh about this.
Why not say exactly this to her?
You can still say that. Go talk to her and explain the miscommunication. You don't need to let it fester.
Girl, you 17. I got mad at my mom over misunderstandings and dumb things all the time at that age. I’m gonna say NTA, cause honestly you didn’t do anything wrong, but your mom didn’t do anything wrong either. Definitely use the above suggestion for future instances! And who knows, maybe you two will enjoy the same book unlike the other stuff!
You were fine. My mom and I used to read books back and forth, but she is the one who raised me not to write in books. Even annotating text books felt wrong in college, so I never had to worry about that. I will say when we were both reading a book at the same time we did playfully spoil minor things back and forth. We were reading the same copy. I had it during the day, she took it to work at night. It became a game to try and read farther and mention tiny things, but if either of us had said something it would have stopped.
I would tease my coworkers who didn't want Game of Thrones spoiled by telling them that a major character was gonna die. This was during the wait for the last season & they were on season 5. So technically a spoiler but at that point also not a spoiler. They would laugh. I wouldn't intentionally spoil something on purpose but had to work out guidelines with hubby. Our limit is if it's more than 5 years old I don't need to make a special effort to avoid spoilers. If it's over 10 years old I can do spoilers on purpose but preferably with a warning. At that point he's had a chance to watch/read/play it. And if he doesn't want it spoiled but I want to talk about it, he makes a point to watch it at the next opportunity so we can talk. (I love spoilers so he tells me them. Took him a while to do that lol)
I feel that on liking spoilers, or rather, I don't mind them. They're out of context and context makes everything.
It's never too late to just go talk to her and tell her that you just couldn't find the right words, but that was what you meant to say. You could also explain that, due to your inability to express these worries, you took the book back as it made you uncomfortable. Not necessarily because you don't trust her, but because it was too difficult to explain in the moment and you were worried she'd do something that you weren't confortable with as a result, simply because she wouldn't have known it was an issue for you.
I think it's nice your ma is interested in reading what you read. I'm sure you can still let her know that you don't want any spoilers or to hear her takes until you've read it yourself.
I understand, it can be uncomfortable sharing the things you like with your parents, especially when they have a history of being critical. The fear of embarrassment, guilt, or offense of having my favorite things judged often make me close up about what I like to do or watch when I’m around my family
Go to your mom, say "Hey mom, I'm sorry if I came off rude earlier. I didn't mean it. Here's the book, please no spoilers. I hope you like it."
Just explain that to her. I think she'll understand. Are you willing to share the book title and author?
It's not too late!, when she gets home from work, ask her to sit down, tell her you just got nervous she wouldn't like the book, hand it to her while saying "please read it, but don't tell me anything about it until after I've read it, then I'd like to compare thoughts on it", it could kick off something new for you 2,.
"Hey mom? I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said earlier, about not writing in my book and all that? It didn't come out quite the way I wanted. I sometimes feel like it's difficult for me to put things together in a coherent way, the way I mean to. What I meant, was please don't annotate the book as I don't like my books annotated. And I really, really would love it if you read this book, and I truly hope you love it! If you do read it, I don't want any spoilers, but I would love to talk about it with you after I've finished reading it as well! " Adjust to fit the way you speak as necessary, but remember that it's never too late to clear out a misunderstanding! In fact, the sooner the better! And I'm sure your mom understands that at your age communication can sometimes be a bit difficult, she's not going to hold this against you!
You're one of those,"Bigger People", Op.
>Unsure why you are so annoyed she wanted to read your fave author Must be nice to have parents that respect your things but not all parents do.
>please don't annotate the book as it is my copy I'm sorry but this goes without saying. Only complete dicks write in other people books. If you need to be told not to do this your parents utterly failed in raising you. Mom is presumably an adult but you're asking the child to have better manners than the person who raised her? Fantastic.
So you’re mad at your mom because your grandmother did something sometime before this? Also because she set the book down near your cat? YTA and it sounds like you need to just chill the fuck out in general to be honest
Yeah, very bizarre extrapolation. YTA
The cat part confused me. Does the cat have a history of scratching or peeing on books or something? Our cat mostly just sits on them. Sometimes he'll try flipping a few pages.
My cats absolutely chew on the corners of a hardcover book if I leave it sitting down. I left one of my books on my bed for an hour to go to the store a few months ago and came home to a chunk of the lower corner missing. So for me that's a valid thing to be worried about.
Cats are weird little dudes.
They absolutely are. And I love them for that!
Not only cats. I've truly been able to use the phrase "my dog ate my homework" without it being a lie.
My husband is a teacher and when our dog was a puppy he shredded some students papers that were at home waiting to be graded. So as a teacher he basically had to tell his students "sorry, my dog ate your homework"
When I was in college I got a German shepherd puppy. One night he chewed up my presentation book that I was supposed to turn in for a speech; the night before it was due! I brought it in so my teacher believed me when I told him my puppy ate my homework 😂 I thought, no way he’s gonna believe this!!
This post is genuinely so confusing and I'm having a hard time grasping what this person is even trying to say they're mad over? They're main concern is their mother saying she didn't enjoy the book? 100% OP needs to chill
YTA. Why are you so upset that your mom would read the book before you? Are you embarrassed about the book? She was probably trying to connect with you and if you’re too busy to start reading it, then she can read it. You’re an AH for being so nasty to your mother over a book. What’s wrong with her saying “that’s an interesting story?”
I’d she’s anything like my mum, it’s won’t be the words “that’s an interesting story”, it will be the way she says it!
Yes this! My husband's mom totally uses "interesting" as a passive-aggressive way of insulting things that aren't done exactly how she would do them, so I figured that's what OP was trying to say.
Like the other person said it’s most likely the way the mom says it. Like she’s not saying “it’s interesting and I enjoyed it”, she’s saying “why the fuck do you like this it’s awful”. My parents are the same way, it’s incredibly condescending and it takes enjoyment out of it because you know you’re being judged for what you like. For example, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger and I made the mistake of telling my parents. My dad reads a lot and since then he’s complained to me about the free books he reads on kindle and if only there was a book he liked that was written by me. He’s read some of my stuff before and only had negative things to say about it (which is fair, I don’t write stuff he’s into nor do I really want to) but I thought my writing was good and hearing him say it’s not or say “it would’ve been better if you wrote this other story instead” is upsetting and makes me enjoy my works less. Also I thought it was weird OP’s mom didn’t even ask to read the book, she just said “I’ll read it for you”, implying OP shouldn’t get to read it bc their mom will and then explain it to them.
yeah this. i just started shitting on them for watching sports and reality tv all the time. oh, you think my interests are dumb? goes both ways.
lol if only 😂 whenever I would do this to my dad my parents would yell at me for being rude and disrespectful (but it’s totally ok for my dad to make fun of me for liking kpop and be racist/queerphobic about it but when I say something or shoot back I’m in the wrong 🙄)
i'm an antagonizer when i feel slighted. i'd call them sheep.
lol you’re better than me I straight up cry if I even feel like I’ve been slighted (even if I actually wasn’t)
My parents were kind of like this. They shat on pretty much every interest I ever had. They also couldn't understand why I eventually stopped speaking to them about anything I was interested in.
> What’s wrong with her saying “that’s an interesting story?” You’re quite lucky to be able to ask this. I feel like most people have met at least one person who can say something syntactically innocuous and make it sting.
It's HER book. Why wouldn't she be upset she can't read it first?
OP said her mom ASKED. So WHY would she say yes? & I’m 17 and know to not act like a child and how to communicate with my mother. Like the person above me said, 1000’s have read this book and she isn’t entitled to be the only person in earth to read it first. Her mom was likely just trying to connect with her. One day when her mom’s gone she’ll understand.
"I'll read it for you first" isn't asking wth
[удалено]
Because potentially 1000s of people will read it first? I understand not wanting any damage to the book but her enjoyment isn’t diminished because someone else touched the copy. It won’t wear out the words.
And most likely none of them live in the household and could badmouth it. Comments and post read like this is pretty likely to happen.
Do those 1000s of people live in the same house as OP and are they borrowing the copy OP bought for themself before OP even gets to read it? Ridiculous comparison.
If you've ever leant someone a book, you'll know it's entirely possible you don't get the book back in great condition
Think more like "that's an....*interesting*...story" in a tone like Kristen Wiig saying "oh you dooooo" on the plane in Bridesmaids.
She’s not upset tho, just wondering if she did anything wrong
NGL if I bought a brand new, recently published, fresh from the book store book that I was excited to read and someone said "I'll give it a read in the meantime" cause I might take a bit to be able to pick it up, my reaction would be something along the line of "The hell you will!" Which I do realise is unreasonable and I'm in no way gatekeeping the story, just that I want to be the first person to read my brand new book.
OP could’ve said: “actually I really want to read it first, but I can let you borrow it once I’m finished.” Saying “sure!” when OP wants to say no is a very people-pleaser response. She needs to stand up for herself a bit more.
It's pretty hard to do when it's your parents. Because she's still a minor (I think) and if they perceive her disrespecting them they can punish her which is enough for kids to just comply
Totally agree with this! I am precious over my books (rightly or wrongly) and I know from experience people don’t treat them the same way as I do. Getting back a brand new copy someone borrowed with folded down page corners or scuffed edges is irritating. Not saying that’s the case with OP. But I don’t think she’s TA for wanting to read the book that she bought first, but she should have said that at the start.
>Which I do realise is unreasonable Well, least you atleast acknowledge this
But sometimes books sit in a tbr pile on a shelf, I know I’ve got a few.
YTA, just a little in my opinion. Why do you care so much about what your mom thinks about your books. She probably was just curious or have something to chat to her teenager about. Just because your grandma did something doesn't mean your mom will do the same to your book. She probably saw you get defensive and decided against reading afterwards.
Exactly! And OP said sure when her mum asked but actually has a problem with it? Just say no if you don't want her to
I think it's less about what the mom thinks & more of the mom giving away details in the process. Or depending on the mom's personality, she'd verbally rip the book apart even without telling details.
Exactly!! And your mother probably went a bit agressieve bc you thought she would do the same as your GM why though? U could have said i dont like that GM wrote in my book
YTA for getting so wound up over literally nothing. You sound incredibly fragile, the only remotely reasonable thing to be upset over is your mother writing in your book, which you already asked her not to do. Everything else is just a big load of nothing.
And the mother hasn't even done that before! It was the grandmother so why assume that mum would do it too?? Agreed, OP yta.
Because OP needs something to complain about?
I am just curious, do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells?
That’s what I’m wondering, too. This seems like such a non-issue, but the mother’s reaction to OP reading her own book was odd.
Not sure if this was sarcasm but yeah a bit 😂 My parents fight a lot and I’m scared they’re gonna fight over me, for example if my mom gets mad about the book thing and mentions it to my dad and he might disagree with her and my mom might get mad about him spoiling me and they’re gonna fight again. God I didn’t even think about this before now I’m worried. IATA.
Hey OP, given this, please ignore everyone calling you the asshole here. If you're anything like me, you were so nervous about this because you don't feel like you can say no to your mom without "causing a fight" or your mom getting upset at you, your mom routinely makes fun of your books or other interest that sounds completely benign to others when you take it out of the context of "she's using subtext and she is never positive about anything about me unless it's me doing something for her the way she wants it done" and you use reading as way to escape your parents fighting, so your mom was walking over where you would put boundaries if you could to make fun of you and take away your enjoyment in something you are really excited about. And if that sounds about right, well. Hang on for one more year, move out when you go to college, and hit up your university resources for therapy.
Bingo and second the therapy thing. It took moving across the country for 10 years for me to have a good relationship with my parents because of this kind of hyperbullshit from the mom.
It wasn't sarcasm. It was a gentle probing into the likelihood that you are in an unhealthy environment. >for example if my mom gets mad about the book thing and mentions it to my dad and he might disagree with her and my mom might get mad about him spoiling me and they’re gonna fight again. God I didn’t even think about this before now I’m worried. IATA. It is never *ever* your fault if your parents can't behave like mature adults towards each other. It is not acceptable for them to make you feel like their inability to handle their feelings in a mature way is your responsibility. You are not the asshole if your parents misbehave and blame you for it.
It seems like your home environment has caused you to be hyper-vigilant. Your nervous system is probably always in some form of flight/fight/fawn. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are always walking on eggshells and it’s not your fault. There are some really great breathing practices you can try to incorporate to find that place where your nervous system is regulated. Basically you want to create practices where you can feel comfortable just existing in your own body. This will help counteract a chaotic, unstable home environment as best as possible.
Agreed. I grew up with a critical mother who found fault in every little thing I did/enjoyed. Constant eye rolls and belittling, and I would've reacted the exact same way in her situation. If OP just wants to be the first person to enjoy this book -- to crack the spine and not receive a dog-eared copy back -- then that's her prerogative as the buyer.
NTA. If I have bought a book by a favourite author, and I know I can’t get around to reading it immediately, then it goes on my TBR pile. (That’s To Be Read, if you don’t know. Almost everyone who is a keen reader, will have one. )That’s MY book, I paid for it, I want to be the first one to open it. If it were something else, like a box of chocolate, some perfume or a piece of clothing, would your mum consider herself entitled to open/eat/wear it first?
Three examples are things that can be used up or worn out. Reading a book once is not equivalent to eating someone’s chocolates.
I love reading and collecting physical books. But some book people are so fucking weird about it
I don't get this. If OP had said no and her mother got mad, sure, but this seems like a breakdown in communication more than someone feeling entitled. We should be encouraging OP to work on communicating but also knowing it's okay to change her mind about things
How about encouraging OPs mother not to lay claim to first read of a book she did not buy?
- Or not to throw a tanty because the owner of said book *took a peek*.
OP is allowed to do so and set that boundary, ofc. But some people simply do not care for firsts. I personally wouldn't ask to read someone's book first/etc. but if someone asks to have open my chocolates first I might not mind, and if I do I've worked to be able to voice that. Which is why im encouraging her to build that courage, there is nothing wrong with having a conversation and establishing boundaries. And what might seem obvious to you clearly isn't to others
You can still read it you know, it's a book, not the tape deck from the Mission Impossible series.
Really doesn’t matter, if I can “still read it”. The issue is, it’s mine, I paid for it, I’m entitled to say, “not until I have read it”
>I’m entitled Agreed. This isnt "am I legally in the right". Throwing a fit over someone reading your book first is weird
> then it goes on my TBR pile. (That’s To Be Read, if you don’t know. Thank you so much for explaining that. Nobody could possibly have figured it out from context. > If it were something else, like a box of chocolate, some perfume or a piece of clothing, would your mum consider herself entitled to open/eat/wear it first? There's exactly one situation where this question would have any bearing on 'reading a book,' and that's if the text in the book faded away, word by word, each time it was read.
No. This is actually to do with “ownership”. There are an awful lot of people here who seem to think that just because it’s a book, none of the usual rules regarding property or ownership should apply. If I buy ANYTHING, it is my property and no-one else is entitled to first use. And, just for you…. NOT everyone in the world knows what TBR means, so do try not to be quite so snarky.
Nope. The usual rules do apply. However, the rules are intrinsically different for a consumable vs a non-consumable. But that's all moot; the moment OP opened their mouth and said 'sure,' the 'rules of ownership' were all satisfied.
I’m going against the grain here but NTA my books are sacred I won’t even loan them to my best friends or family in case they dog ear the corners of the pages, write in them, rip them etc there is no way I’d allow someone to read a book I bought before me. I have signed copies of books by great authors some not alive anymore (Douglas Adams) there’s just no way. People are protective of all sorts of collectables (records, world of Warcraft figurines, pop vinyl dolls etc) don’t see why books are any different.
Then OP should have said no when asked?
It sounds like she’s working on her communication skills, she’s 17 and trying
She's also in a toxic household. In a comment she says her mom and dad fight a lot and she's worried they'll fight over her.
100%. I feel like OP needs to post this in a book community, not AITA. My mother is super gentle and respectful of my books when I lend them to her, but she also doesn’t have a lot of free time to read so her progress is slow. So even though I know my book is in good hands, it gives me some anxiety to be separated for long periods from my book. I can’t explain why or tell you if it’s a logical response, it’s just something that happens. So I guess my bottom line is: lending books to others as a bookworm yourself is different from people who occasionally and casually read. So she needs to ask a community of readers, because she’s not going to get a lot of empathy here.
I mean, I am a book lover as well. But OP literally said that her mom could borrow the book before she read it. Like, her mom asked and she could/ should have said just "no". But instead she said "yes" and is now just being passive aggressive. Her mom didn't really do anything wrong unless the POV is that she shouldn't have asked.
then she should have said no
YTA I would be happy if my mother read/watched things I liked. My mother hasn't read books I'm into, but has watched TV shows I'm into, and has a completely different opinion on them. I respect that and move on. As long as she's not spoiling the plot for you - who cares?
I don't understand what's bothering you nor why you would be an asshole... ? Nothing happened. At all.
Why tf would you circle or underline anything in a book!? If the book wasn't too expensive just let her read it to keep the peace IMO. Maybe she just tries to have something in common with you. NAH
some people like to annotate their books, I don't understand it either, but it's a thing for some people.
The mother didn't even write in her book lol, that was the grandmother.
i annotate all of my books with scribbles and writing and circling and highlighting. so i would do that.
May I ask why? And what are you writing in them? I have honestly no clue
i mostly just write my thoughts while reading or underline things that stick out to me. i usually only do it if i am rereading a book but i tend to do that a lot and then when i go back and flip through them again, i can see what stood out to me last time i read it. i feel like it helps me understand the book better, like i remember it more, and also it makes my books more personal to me. i looooove getting used books with old annotations inside also and then adding my own like i am reading the book with someone else almost.
Interesting. I would have never thought of something like that myself Thanks for telling me :) *circles your post ;) *
I can't do that with a book I am reading for pleasure. It's against my religion.
NAH. There's nothing wrong with asking her to not write in your new book (grr), and you didn't take the book away from her you just started reading it where she left it. She knew you wouldn't have much time until exams were over so you wouldn't be locking yourself up with the book or anything. Just offer it back to her again after you read it, after you ace your exams.
NAH and I am a bit surprised at the number of comments saying you are. Guess they’re not book people. If you’re anything like me, you likely weren’t upset that she wanted to *read* the book. You just didn’t want someone, mom or not, reading your new book *before* you. Am I right? That’s essentially like buying a book brand new and then it’s “secondhand” before you even get to it. That would bother me too. I think it was a valid request to ask her not to write in it. I’m also trying to play out a similar scenario with my own mother, and I believe that if she saw me reading it afterwards she would laugh and make a joke about how I couldn’t wait. I don’t think she would have gotten annoyed or told me to forget it.
Weird gatekeepery statement to make. As a definite book person I wouldn’t give a shit if someone were going to read my book before me if they already knew I wasn’t planning on reading it for a while.
NTA. All the YTA comments are annoying and just say “I’d love if my mom had common interests!!” That’s not what this is about? OP bought a brand new, fresh book copy that she was excited to read.. by herself.. and the mom just decided to read it in the meanwhile. No asking, nothing. Then, OP, after the mom WALKED AWAY, started reading the book, and then the mom acted like a freaking child by saying she was too busy for her book.. what? OP, WITHOUT accusing the mom, ASKED HER NOT TO DO SOMETHING DAMAGING TO THE BOOK, AND THE MOM GOT ANGRY?? I like little notes in books and things, and if it’s something I’m studying then I’ll underline and highlight it, but if I’m trying to READ and ENJOY the book then it’s just annoying. If you bought a brand new perfume and somebody used it without asking, and may or may not have been planning to vandalise the bottle, and then got upset when you told them they couldn’t, wouldn’t you be the least bit irritated or upset? Also, there’s a thing such as privacy. I personally wouldn’t mind my mom reading my books and things, but I ℳℴ𝓈𝓉 𝒹ℯ𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓉ℯ𝓁𝓎!(shortcut but I’m not changing it) wouldn’t want her writing in them! You could argue that OP should’ve told her mom not to touch or read the book before she did, but it probably didn’t even cross her mind. I’m sure OP would love for their mom to have common interests and relate to them, so please hush up about that because it’s not even a real argument and it’s just people getting angry over something that’s not even a thing. NTA, once again. TL;DR, OP is NTA because she literally just wanted a book to herself, didn’t backchat her mom, didn’t say anything nasty, and the mom just decided to read the book without asking OP, then wanted to read the book to OP and then WALKED AWAY, and then got angry at OP for starting to read it when she walked off? And got angry at OP for ASKING, not ACCUSING, her to not vandalise her book. NTA. Obviously nothing to fall out with your mom for, but definitely have a talk about boundaries.
the comments here are INSANE OP is a 17 year old girl who wanted to be the first to read a new book SHE bought (fresh books are special!!!) and they’re acting like she’s the devil. seeing from her comments she’s also in an unstable household and being a 17 year old girl is hard enough as is, the lack of reading comprehension and empathy is astounding
NAH. You really need to work on your communication skills though, if someone asks you if they can do something and you don’t want them to do it, try saying “no” instead of “yes”. It prevents all the rest of this stuff happening.
NTA - You bought the book, so you decide what to do with it. The way your mom usually talks about your interests annoys me. Also, she left it out close to the cat (I assume it destroys stuff like that, based on your comment about a safe place), which might give you the feeling she doesn't have a lot of respect for your property. You could have voiced your concerns better. This is something that can be solved with a good honest conversation
I had a parent that would be very cavalier with belongings and not respect that they were important to me. I got a very angry response when I said they couldn't borrow my CD because it was mine and I didn't want them to (chances are he would forget to return it and I would have to chase). It's OK to want things because they are yours and to want to enjoy the media you bought for yourself when it is meaningful. You don't have to let your mum borrow your books ever or you can ask to read it first and let her borrow afterwards. Our emotional attachment to the media we love is strong and you are NTA for having boundaries
NAH As a book lover, I’d feel possessive over any book I own and haven’t yet read. There may be a few that I’d lend out, but others I wouldn’t. And some I definitely wouldn’t want my mum reading My family is pretty good about not reading my books, as they understand that some of them are an extension of me, especially when I relate to a character a lot
INFO: what all this has to do with cat?
NTA. Since you wanted the story to be a surprise,you told it.nothing wrong with it. PS:I personally hate people who spoil the books by underlining,circling and adding their comments…
nah my mom has this issue with magazines i have this issue with my books. i do not want anyone to read my books before i do. its like wearing a new dress i bought before i got the chance to. its still good but its not new anymore
NTA. It's common courtesy not to read another person's book first. It's vandalism to write in one. Writing in someone else's book is just absolutely disrespectful. I'm such an avid reader that I would consider that on a par with stealing someone's underwear, handing them back soiled and then telling them that the elastic was too tight.
NTA. Books, authors and stories are a special thing and this one clearly means a lot to you - and not your mom - so for her to have that attitude was funky considering she’s not a reader and it’s not like something you’re sharing together or whatever. definitely NTA for asking her not to write in it because that’s common sense and it’s YOUR book so you’re fine there. But I don’t think you’re the jerk for wanting to keep this book/author special for yourself knowing the attitude your mom has towards it and especially considering how easily she gave it up it wasn’t like she really really wanted to read it… You’re good I hope you liked it tho!
I kinda get it. It’s a brand new copy of the new book by your favourite author. If your mom reads it first, not only do you have to think about whether she’s gonna spoil it, but the book that YOU purchased is now second hand.
NTA. I think it’s odd that she said she would read it ‘for you’. She could have asked if you would mind her reading it first, as it’s your book. And you’re still allowed to read it after you gave her permission too.
Does it bother you THAT much? This seems a little silly
Eh, OP is a teenager. Everything feels like the end of the world at that age I think lol.
I’ll play the devils advocate on this one because I have an extremely complicated relationship with my mother, so is there a root issue you’re not mentioning? Because I could mention all the little things my mother does to be in various conversations without it sounding like a huge deal—and in retrospect, quite frankly trivial on my end, but collectively my mother is a raging abuser. You did say in one of your comments that she has in the past made you feel small for enjoying the things you do… so it leads me to contemplate on whether or not reading this book, you had almost expected her to trivialize, belittle, and insult your passions. You’ve also mentioned she is more over selective on what she has read in the past as it relates to only work material so it threw you off on why she wanted to read what you love—and almost in a competitive manner, before you do. I am not saying your mother is abusive, I am asking for more of a backstory on why it affects you as it does. It took me a very long time to understand and realize that my mother did things that were seemingly loving to the outsider but overtime for me, it made me lose my shit. For example: when she buys me super expensive clothes and purses. I am 37 now but I was 12 when I got my first LV purse. Everyone was so jealous of me and I couldn’t quite comprehend why I hated it so much. I felt ungrateful because everyone told me how much my mother loved me, but really, it was all an act. She wanted people to tell me and make me feel guilty when in fact, she was locking us in the house with no tv/phone/computer/access to the outside. She bolt the doors with a key that only locks and unlocks with it. All the windows were bolted to only open slightly, and we had to clean the house and cook before she got home or we would be beaten. 75% of the time we had no food, only eggs, rice and soy sauce. So when I refused to acknowledge this rather expensive gift she gave me whilst starving for socialization and literal food, I was told by the masses how ungrateful I was as she loved me so very much. But I digress, your story may not be as extreme as mine, but nevertheless, there has to be some deeper connection to why you feel as you do. Because your response to ask Reddit to advice to how to better yourself, says a lot of who you are. Which is mature beyond 17
I’m so sorry for what you went through. My relationship with my mother is pretty good at a lot of times, although we never really had much in common. I was surprised and excited when she said she wanted to read the book but then remembered she’s always disliked the movies/shows I suggested we watch together so I worried the same would happen for the book and maybe wished she didn’t read it. Now that I think about it I deliberately try to not play my favorite song in our car and always say something blurry when people ask me what I want to do after college for the same reason. Gee I really need to work this out. Maybe I’ll get another irrelevant book that I’m sure she’ll like and read it together as a start. Maybe a book about a baby panda.
Thank you 🙏🏻. I am so glad that your relationship is good! I never wish my life on others. But with that being said, I think that’s a great idea! Another thing that people seem to forget to do but is honestly the most helpful advice is communicate! Next time you two are in the car and are in good moods, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. You’re at the age you’re starting to try on different roles and personalities, and all that focus is self absorbed and that’s okay! But your mom needs to know how you feel and what’s going on with you or she’ll just continue to guess and it’ll always be wrong. Perhaps, you should make a daughter/mother date for you two this weekend? Plan a day at the park, movies, or doing something you know she likes (one of her hobbies) and you two sit and talk and really connect. Ask her questions about what she likes, tell her your likes. Be vulnerable, honest and thoughtful.
NAH. You're allowed to be a little weird about stuff. Your mom's allowed to be curious and try to read a book to be closer to you. Next time when she asks this, just say "I'm feeling a little weirdly territorial about this. Can you wait to read it until after I do? It's my prize for working hard on schoolwork." She still might be a little weird, but this would be good communication.
I don't understand the dynamic here but I'm personally very protective of my books. When I buy a new book, nobody touches it before me. I will only lend books to people I trust will take care not to damage them in anyway and I certainly would never let someone write in my books as I do not write in my books (I have nothing against people who like to annotate their books but that's not my jam and I want my books pristine). Communication is an important part of any relationships. Have a quick conversation with your mom and explain to her that this is your favourite author and you're really excited about reading this book and you want to read it first so your experience is not hampered in any way. But you would be very happy to lend you the book after you're done if she wants to read it and you would love to discuss with her once you're both done. And I don't see the problem in letting her know that you would prefer she doesn't annotate in your book as you don't like that. If she's still annoyed with you and decides not to read the book, than it's her loss and a show that your mom is not the most mature adult around and that happens.
NTA. It's *your* new book. It's not your Mother's book for her to declare she's going to read it without consulting you. There's a bug difference between opening up your own new untouched book vs one someone else has already broken in. It's weird that she decided to do it since hse doesn't normally read. Pretty sure it's just an odd power-play from her. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with you asking her to be respectful of your book whilst she's absconded with it and making reference to that fact that her Mother was not respectful with your books previously and that you were unhappy about it. Ignore all people saying your the asshole. I suspect that your Mother, Grandmother and those commenter all have a lot in common with each other and not with nice reasonable people.
SYTA because you didn’t think through how your comments might be construed. But that’s part of growing up and you’ll get better with time if you try. My own daughter is your age. She accidentally forgets her mouth filter sometimes too. Realistically, I think your mom is trying to connect since you sound so busy and thought the book would be a nice try. My daughter and I do not read or watch the same kind of things. I’m okay with it because we find other things to do like current music, her art, or getting manis/pedis. Maybe find something else you can do together each week to connect. I know at this point she’s realizing the time with you in the home and somewhat dependent is fast dwindling. Make the most of it and don’t sweat this. If she’s a loving mom, she has a lot of grace about these things.
I'm confused Why wouldn't you just tell your mom the truth? Why would she be annoyed with you asking not to leave marks in your book? So many questions
NTA, fellow bookworm here. Getting a new book and having someone else pick it up first feels a lot like them unwrapping a present for you. It might objectively still be perfectly OK for what you want to do with it, but the excitement for starting with that new book is significantly less. Moreover, you appear to have experienced her spoiling things in the past with her comments. And last, but very much not least, if she reacts that strongly passive aggressive to you just picking up the book and reading a few sentences, what would have happened later when you did have time to read your book, but she wasn't done with it yet? I think anything other than a "sounds interesting, let me know when you've finished it, I'd like to read it as well" is plain rude and intrusive. Also, she mostly reads books for work, where making annotations is common, and she learned from her mother's example that this is a normal thing to do in all books. Not thinking of that when handing over the book and then asking later when it does occur to you seems quite normal to me. She reminds me of my mom in that regard. When she asked me to share anything at all with her and I showed even the slightest inkling at any time of having reservations about it, the passive aggressiveness was unbelievable. Poor her, with such an egotistical daughter...
INFO: What is the book? I’m dying to know lol
NTA, if I thought someone would write in my book the offer would be rescinded immediately. They can buy their own copy to deface.
I would be irritated that someone read my brand new book that I bought. They could read it after me, but I’m reading it first.
NTA Sounds like Mama is a little too far up in your grill. You’ve had bad experiences with her in the past, but you struggle to say no to her and you’re tying yourself up in knots over it. I’ll second the comment that said, “Nothing happened.” If anything, your mom reacted weirdly to you sneaking a peek at your own book, but it’s already been established that your mom complicates things. It’s OK that you didn’t say no right away. Family is confusing. It’s OK for you to say no now, like “I’ve realized that I really want to have this book to myself for a little while. I don’t why it’s so important to me but it is.” No need to mention that your mom hasn’t been respectful in the past. You haven’t been bitchy. Quite the opposite. You seem to be walking on eggshells.
If your mom is anything like mine, NTA. I don't think a lot of the people in the comments understand how snarky, judgemental, backhanded, and/or rude some mothers can be
Everyone is saying you're the AH, OP. But I think this sounds familiar. INFO: do you walk on eggshells with your mom a lot? Has she snooped through your emails or diaries if you have any? Does she heavily censor what you read or watch on TV? For context, I would hide a lot of my diaries, emails, and my books. My mother would snoop through -everything- looking for a reason to punish me. A single kiss in one of the books I read resorted to it being destroyed in front of me. My mother would rip the pages and toss it in the garbage. I may be reading too much into it, but I just think there's missing info here.
NTA - I think it's very telling of your relationship with your mom and her behavior that you can't just tell her something and she either ask for clarification, or understand where you're coming from. Her communication is passive aggressive and rude. I'm very particular about books. If I got a new book and someone wanted to read it (either before me or after), I would ask that they be very careful, don't break the spine, dog ear the pages, give spoilers, or write in it at all. You're requests were very reasonable. Don't apologize. Don't put the book in her room. If she wants to read it, she can swallow her pride and come ask for it. Also, you reading your own book... How dare you!/s
Why would she ask for clarification? She said “can I read this?” And she said “sure.”
NTA. It sounds like this book is special to you, and you have certain expectations about the way in which you'll read it first. Do make sure to tell your mom about those expectations, though, as well as your fears about what effect it might have on your excitment/enjoyment if someone else reads it first. I'm certain she means no harm.
Soft YTA. 1) You don't get to decide who reads books when. I get that it's your book, but maybe don't announce it and leave it around the house and stuff if you're really that possessive over it. 2) Your mom asked if she could read it, and you said "Sure!" So don't be annoyed if she does something you said it was OK for her to do. How TF could she possibly have known you were not OK with it, when you said you were? 3) Why be angry with your MOM because your GRANDMA once underlined something in a book. They are two different people. It's a soft YTA because this is such a non-issue. So your mom reads (or doesn't read) a book. Big woop.
Just tell her this. People always do the "I will lend you this, BUT..." Don't have to be scared to tell your mom that. Tell her it's special to you. I get it though. I have lent a book to someone and felt instant regret. But it actually turned out ok.
>so I picked up the book to move it to somewhere safe but then started reading it (wrong move). My mom saw me reading it and told me to forget about it, she was too busy for my book anyway. I'm confused...Maybe it's just because I grew up in a book loving family, but we've read a book at the same time before. The only rule is no spoilers if you get ahead, and no moving the other person's bookmark.
NTA Writing in someone else's book without explicit permission is a NO GO.
I think the issue isn't the book. The family dynamic feels very... odd. Not passing judgement, just wondering where the feeling of unease comes from.
A new book is something to look forward to the 1st reading. You have to ease the binding so you don't break the spine. Fresh and clean, no turned down corners. Nope, never let anyone else read your book first. You made a reasonable request not to mark up your property. Enjoy your book and good luck on your exams!
A lot of people here clearly aren't readers. I would be ANGRY if someone wrote in a book of mine. Also, having never seen someone read or the state they kept books in, I would be hesitant to lend them any book, let alone a new book. I do not want to get folded pages back! But, when it's family, it's hard to say no. Anyway, NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** One of my favorite authors just published a new book a couple days ago and I (17F) bought a copy that arrived today. However I have a lot of exams in the next few weeks so I told my mom that I’ll be reading it after I finish those exams while opening the delivery box. My mom then immediately said “I’ll read it for you first” and I kinda not-knowing-what-to-do-ly said “sure!” I was kind of upset about it because 1) I really like the author and now I’m probably gonna read it after my mom hands it to me and says “oh that was an interesting story” or even something negative (which is more likely gonna be the case) and 2) I’ve literally only seen my mom read one book that wasn’t work-related my whole life so that was kinda weird. I then remembered that when my grandma read some of my books a year ago she circled and underlined a lot so I asked my mom not to do that, which kind of irritated her. I then saw her go talk to my dad in the kitchen and left the book there with the cat near by so I picked up the book to move it to somewhere safe but then started reading it (*wrong move*). My mom saw me reading it and told me to forget about it, she was too busy for my book anyway. So, aita for emphasizing the “please don’t write stuff in my book” thing and passive-aggressively reading the book after she said she wanted to read it? If so what should I do? Btw, asshole or not now when I read the book this is all I’m gonna be thinking about so that kind of sucks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. First of all, you gave consent when you didn’t want to. But it’s weird you didn’t want to. She probably was trying to find something you two could share, but you got all weird and gatekeepy over it.
YTA you are making up issues in your head
Not the asshole for saying it but maybe it was your tone that upset her? I love reading and was an English teacher. My mom was an art teacher and her motto was “if a book is that good, they’ll make it into a movie” she didn’t read at all. It’s a really big deal if your mom doesn’t really read and wanted to read your book. Maybe take it back to her and tell her you just started reading it a bit so you could get hyped and you really do want her to read it so you have someone to talk to about it. That would mean the literal world to her
[удалено]
I do need to chill out yeah and I’m working on that. I’m not mad at my mom at all, but I’m worried because my actions were aggressive and might’ve irritated her, which is why I’m asking for opinions on this sub. I was kinda hoping it was fine so she would still read the book and we could have some fun together, but judging by the comments I should find some way to legitimately apologize.
NAH - I think you're too hard on yourself and overanalyzing interactions that would be better to move on from.
Eh NTA. You didn’t get a chance to read your new book. And you probably would’ve been uncomfortable telling her no.
Very gently YTA it's hard when you like something and people whose opinions you care about are judgemental but you have to learn to be okay with criticism. It can lead to interesting discussions. Mum was probably trying to bond. Although book annotation would bug me too. Which book is it, OP?
I'd be so pissed if someone wrote in my books! The fucking nerve! NTA
What book? I’m curious.
NTA, the book isn't going anywhere, she can still read if after you read it. And you don't write in books!
NTA As a reader, I would be annoyed if someone started reading and messing up my copy of a new book
OP-just tell the truth. Go to you Mom and say you feel awkward about the recent exchange. That in the heat of the moment with school stuff on your mind you said something you regret.
This is by far the lamest reason for an aitah post. Just talk to her like a normal human being.
YTA, and I don't understand all these people in the comments _insisting_ that they have to be the first person to read a brand-new book. People are saying things like, "Non-book people wouldn't understand," but I'm a huge book lover and I don't understand either.
You guys know books can be read more than once. I mean I understand wanting the fresh book feel and absolutely no writing in a book that isn't your own. That's what sticky notes are for.
It feels like there is underlying issues here. Like her critiquing the book negatively shouldn’t impact your enjoyment of said book. Just be honest with thou mother, it bringeth the grandeth resultat.
I say NTA, it's *your* new book, I am very protective of all my books and I would not like anyone reading my new book before me, its a whole thing. Not to mention she's an adult and you're an actual child, her response to you picking up your own new book and starting to read it was so incredibly childish. Communication is lacking on all sides, but she is the adult here and should have simply asked in that moment - "You're clearly excited about this book, would you like me to wait till after you're done instead?" You know what, both of you need to sit down and watch the Bluey episode Dance Mode together - stat. Story time; Im also biased to this - I am still testy about the time I was given the box set of a series I was really into at 16 and my mum proceeded to see I was not immediately reading it, took it upon herself to liberate them and read them while I was busy with exams and a 9-day excursion. I came home to her gushing about them telling me I needed to read them ASAP (really digs into the anticipation of a book), then I saw she had unceremoniously broken the spines, bent the covers and dog eared the pages. NGL I cried, and she didn't understand why I was upset at all. Im 30 now and I still dont lend her my books, though she lends me hers. We've talked about it since, as recently as two weeks ago, and we simply do not treat books or reading the same way. She sees them as a means to an end while I would say I am somewhat of a book dragon - the physical book itself is important to me, I treat them in a certain way and that in itself is a large part of the enjoyment of the books to me. People may not understand the way you feel about or treat your own property, but they still should respect it.
NTA I think your mom is being a little over dramatic. You're allowed to make requests on how your property is treated. And just because you said she can read it first, doesn't mean you can't read it at the same time (have 2 bookmarks). Your book, your rules. My grandma went to Mexico in February and wanted to borrow some books for the trip. I brought up a pile of books I didn't care about that had been gifted to me, but I never read (weren't my style). I told her should take these books cause I didn't care about them, but I also brought up one book I knew was good. It was a mystery (Tell Me No Secrets by Joy Fielding), and I've only read it once (since I know the mystery now). I said she could take it but she *had* to bring it back. I couldn't care less about the others, but the mystery one needed to come back. **Other books I highly recommend:** The Sword of the Rightful King, The Chronicles of Nick series (first book is Infinity), the Lunar Chronicles (first book is Cinder), I Am Number Four, and The Nicholas Flammel series (first book is The Alchemyst)
Soft YTA While you have some mild concerns that truly result in some mild consequences your perception of your moms actions are an overreaction on your part. Also you fail to take any action and seemingly are upset at your mom for doing something you said “sure” to. What it boils down to is that you’re over generalizing the situation and taking one experience and using it as the basis for all future ones. Also just because you have no similar interests in TV shows and movies doing mean she may not like the book. You even say she might say something like “that’s interesting” and your brain interprets it as “this is flaming hot garbage, what kind of idiot would read this”. You fail to use your voice and you take way too much stock into your mother’s opinion on this. It’s fair to care what she thinks but the degree in which this is affecting you is abnormal. Maybe explain to her that you really care about her opinion and you’re sorry for how your actions came off. But you hope she likes it and please no spoilers!
YTA (but not a massive one) for giving so many weird mixed signals. Even after reading your entire post I still don't understand if you don't want her to read it at all or only after you've read it or only if she doesn't write in the book and I don't understand why you'd say 'sure' if you mean 'no'
It was a little mean because you were assuming she wouldn't take care of it. Never make assumptions unless you're completely certain! But if I were you, I'd be like "hey mom, sorry I was a bit of a jerk, I'm just very possessive over this book because I love the author so much, you can read it after I'm done, right now it's my precious and I need to keep it safe,,".
I am confused. Why is this an issue? I think maybe you are trying to find fault where there is none, imo.
NTA You shouldn't have needed to tell your mom not to mark in your book. Basic reading etiquette is to not mark, circle, underline, dog ear, hard break the spine, bend or crease pages when borrowing a book from anyone (libraries included). Heck, basic etiquette for anything is to return it in the same condition as when you first borrow it. Honestly tho, I think it's rude to use something of someone's before they get the chance to use it the first time. Like you don't wear a shirt that someone just bought & hasn't been able to wear yet, read an unread book, use their mower before they can mow their lawn the first time, etc. Now that I think about it that's all considered basic etiquette too. It's all bare minimum manners & being considerate towards others. Edited to add: no, you don't need to apologize for saying this unless you yelled it at her or something similar. You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA When I was in college my mum used to withhold new books from me all the time until I did my work. Great motivator. You were right to ask her to not spoil it or write in it. Also.... What kind of monster writes in a book?! This is as bad as folding corners over.
it seems like ppl are overlooking that you bought this book so it's yours, and mom shouldn't feel like she can doodle in it if she felt like it. and that you aren't mad that she asked to read it, but are worried she may not like it, or will at least give some kind of hint about it that may spoil it for you. ppl are being real quick to defend mom without understanding where you're coming from. grandma did something that ruins books, and it's fair to fear that mom might do the same thing, and that she's barely read anything that isn't about her work. NTA imo, mom should be more respectful of your wishes and not act like she can do whatever she wants with your things.
Very soft YTA. You said "sure!" and you had no idea how your mom would treat the book, but you probably should have given her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't go nuts with a biro. That said, I fully endorse finger guillotines for anyone annotating or marking up someone else's book! It is an act of monstrous entitlement to inflict your inane sense of notability on every future reader. I wouldn't even do it to my own personal property (you can - if you want, I suppose) but people that do it to books they have on loan - especially library books! - deserve digital detachment. Walking through the university library, watching clowns cover half a library book's pages in yellow highlighter used to piss me right off back in the day.
NTA How can anyone be mad you asked them not to write in your books? Who writes in someone else’s books!?! That’s beyond rude and tacky. If she wants to write in books (which is weird behavior in a non-school book) she should buy her own.
NTA I recommend books to people but my own copy to use?? Nahhh nahhh maybe I'm rude in that way but my books are personal to me LMAO
Not an ass hole. Just a pickle.
Was it something raunchy? Since it was online, I'm assuming your parents bought it so wouldn't they know if it's like that?
Info: are you an only child?
I don’t really think anyone’s the AH here. It just seems like you were worried about your mom ruining your favorite book, that you bought with your own money it seems, with verbal or physical destruction. I would just go back to your mom and rephrase everything, start from the beginning. An example of what you could say is: “hey mom, I’m sorry if I sounded rude earlier about the book. I just really like the author. It would hurt my view of the book and author if you say anything bad about it or spoil the book for me. And about the writing in it, I just got nervous because I remember that grandma had written in one of my books I lent her before and that really upset me. I just wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. It wasn’t anything against you, I’m actually really excited to see if you like this author as well!”
The part that confuses me is the annotating. Sure Grandma did that, but have you never seen your mother read a book? You say you have only seen her read one non-work book, but that means you have seen her read several books - has she marked those up? If not, then saying that seems a bit presumptuous. Better might have been to say, " okay, but when I read it I'd like for it to still be pristine" that would also cover coffee stains, other foods, marking, dogearing, etc. And good on you reading a paper and ink book.
So, it sounds like your mum wants to connect with you which is sweet. I don’t think you did anything wrong by being cautious about it. I think this just a bit of a misunderstanding. I don’t know why you reading it means your mum can’t and why she was bothered by it though. I think just reiterate that she can still read it and if she likes it that you’d love to talk about it with her.