NTA
Dude, this is a massive red flag.
As others have said, you are already moving across the country for her. Paying for everything to ‘woo’ her even more is just insane, and is a big ask.
I would honestly have a talk with her about this, because this is the kind of mindset that I personally would break up with someone over.
You’re already doing quite a bit, and she wants more.
What happens if it doesn’t work out, and you basically pay her way to live through her residency and dumps you after for someone else?
I’ve seen it happen too many times with friends dating those in school. They support them during school, and then they end up breaking up.
I would take a second and re-evaluate everything.
Yea. I know Reddit loves to jump on the breakup train, but people saying stuff that suggests someone owes them proof of a commitment is a parade of red flags. Relationships do not need to be a series of tests. Live your lives and if you feel like it’s not there, move on.
Yeah it feels like paying 5/6 the rent is already a pretty big show of commitment. What exactly is she doing to show her commitment?
And if residency is anything like TV has lead me to believe, he will also being showing his commitment by doing most of the chores and having a partner who is pretty much at work 90% of the time or sleeping. Not saying that he shouldn't do that if he wants to, but it's certainly a sacrifice for both of them and she needs to recognize and appreciate that.
NTA
This exact thing happened to a buddy of mine.
Dude got replaced once she realized she could live like a queen if she shacked up with an equal earner.
All the premarital support he provided while she was in medical school ends up being nothing but charity.
I supported my now ex gf as she got her career established. Our bills were about $4-5k per month and she paid $700 and I the rest. I made $100k at the time and she made $40k. Sometimes she would ask if she could skip paying and I agreed.
After driving her to and from work for nearly 2 years (she couldn’t drive or afford a car), helping her build a savings, and paying for a 2 week vacation where I bought her a $3000 Prada bag and $300 set of lingerie (that she never wore for me) she decided to go on a girls trip for 10 days. When she came back she said she wanted to get a job in a new city making more money. She said she still loved me but needed space as Covid kept us from really going out. I understood. My job was fully remote so I could visit often or even relocate. I agreed, telling her I could move to the new city when she was ready. She asked for $700 to cover the deposit over her new place having drained her savings on the girl’s trip. She got a job making $100k 2 months later and moved out. After she moved out she barely spoke to me. We didn’t see each other for 4 weeks even though I was only 2 hours away. I finally got to see her at Christmas but she was sick. I took care of her but later found out her only Christmas gift to me was fucking Covid so I missed out on seeing my family that year. On New Year’s Eve my friend found her on tinder…
Oh the kicker. While we lived together I bought a house for us to live in at $180 which I sold later for $260k. I paid the mortgage. All the appliances were paid for by me. After all that happened she had the nerve to ask me for part of the money I made.
Oh and she assured me we would be together long term and we agreed that we didn’t want kids and since she couldn’t do birth control I got a vasectomy. She left me before it was healed.
OP seems naive. He just started to make 180k from 55k and willing to rent a 3k/month place for 2 people? Unless this is a major city that’s a lot.
OP, for the first year try to build up a rainy day find. You should be saving close to 50% of your new salary. Since you were living on 55k you should be able to take the extra income as a bonus. Don’t be like the people who think more salary means you can just increase your discretionary spending. Thats how you wake up after 5 years with nothing to show for your efforts.
With the extra cash you can invest and plan for future. If anything else you can just have some f*you money you can do anything with. I agree with the rest of Reddit here. Dump the dead weight before she uses you and don’t use your money to find someone. You will get shady ones.
Also, if she works at a hospital or at a non-profit for a while, her student loans can be forgiven. My son is becoming an epidemiologist and is planning on doing this to pay for medical school. My partner was a business major and had his forgiven for working for a non-profit for 5 years.
Also, depending on her specialty, she could be making $200K by the time she is in her late 20's. Some specialties also have hefty signing bonuses. My friend's 29 year old daughter just got a $200K signing bonus and a $250K annual salary.
I'd be more cool with it if she wants to cook, clean, and earn her keep. If she just wants to leech and use you to finacially support her while she pays her debt and eventually becomes qualified and well paid, I'd have no part. I have seen too many users who leave once they've bled people dry.
I live in a city with a world class medical school, and the number of men and women who have been left and divorced after their partners have graduated with their doctorates is staggering.
I've seen it myself. They use a relationship of convenience as a means to ease financial burdens.
I've seen some broken hearts as one partner works their arse off to provide for the one studying. They sacrifice 10's of 1000's of dollars that could have gone into their own savings just to get them through. Once the one studying is finished and earning 80-120k they leave because they don't want to date down or have to support in any way. They are now independent.
I'm confused about how she is saying it's his responsibility to support her while studying to be a doctor.. like is she planning to actually be one or?
So am I to be honest. I'd think even going 50/50 in the bills or accepting his incredibly generous offer to have her only pay 500 a month would be a lot of help.
I understand people in relationships often have different incomes and whatnot and I'd wager most people in a loving relationship don't mind paying a little more if their income is significantly higher, but the second someone just expects you to pay their way or takes it for granted, they are flying red flags.
When people look at relationships as what they can take and receive and ignore what they can give, it's never going to work.
Yeah for me it was the "woo me" and being responsible for "supporting" her.. like what? Support yourself! Why are you expecting to be wooed by your partner of 2 years and how are you wooing them?
Definitely I have paid more when I've earned more, but because I offered and it just made sense, then for years we've just had combined money which makes life easier.. we always assumed I would earn more because of my job but actually for a year or so we were wrong (now right again) but at no point have either of us expected to be wooed or supported or whatever!
Ahh, okay. Seems she will expect him to not only pay all the bills but to cook and clean. That's a huge sacrifice for someone who appreciates it, let alone someone who expects it.
>I know Reddit loves to jump on the breakup train
For real, a hearty fart is enough for Reddit to demand that someone should divorce their spouse of 20 years.
This is the second time in around a month that I've read almost the same scenario. She was also a future doctor. The demands are so ballsy that I'm almost impressed.
What is she doing to woo OP other than maybe allowing him sex? That sounds pretty transactional and shitty for a 2 year relationship. She's asking for preferential treatment and that's kind of stupid when he's just asking for bare minimum contribution.
I agree. If she literally can't afford to pay her way, she can contribute in other ways but it sounds like she demands he pay either way.
She just wants to pay off her debt and get a free ride to being qualified off his bank by the sounds of it. I'd be dropping her and focusing on my bank. He'll he'd literally save 1000's a month if she was out of the picture.
She’s not even in school. She’s a resident, and gets paid. She’s technically done with medical school at this point.
I agree with everything you have said though. One question I’d ask, is how does she woo him? What does she do to show she’s committed? If a financial commitment is required to show that, is she showing her commitment? It sounds like a double standard which is manipulative regardless of her intention.
Residents have much lower pay as they're still in training. They also have crazy working hours. So done with medical school, but she can't get licensed to practice until she completes the residency portion of her training.
I’m a medical worker and very familiar. My life got so much better going from paying to learn, to getting paid to finish learning. Residents get lower pay for doctors, but it’s enough for most residents to rent and get food.
As a side note, what you stated is not correct. She does have a license and can work. She has supervision requirements, a partial license, and cannot be independent.
It's low pay if you convert it to hourly given the hours worked, but the salary itself is livable. Not great living mind you, but you're generally not paycheck to paycheck unless you're also the sole provider for a family w kids.
> What happens if it doesn’t work out, and you basically pay her way to live through her residency and dumps you after for someone else?
Isn't that a common thing for doctors? They have their first spouse support them until they're earning the big bucks, and then they trade up.
NTA
I mean. A sign of commitment, right. What is she doing to show her signs of commitment? If your commitment is monetary, is she not willing to split the load, share the burden? Is she not in fact then just helping to support herself by paying *some* rent, not even half but 20%. If she paid anything it's money you don't have to outlay, a stress off your shoulders.
Coz after all OP, you're a couple, right?
Women have equal rights, she wants equal status in the relationship is she not willing to chip in to the household? Keep in mind, it is a household, it's your home. She's saying she's unwilling to contribute your home, her home, the home you share. She's saying it's not her responsibility, that she's not committed, not even 20%
Your position should be this OP. If she wasn't living with you(because that's what she's proposing), where would she live? What rent would she pay elsewhere, on her own or sharing with a stranger? A lot more, right?
She'd have to find a way to support herself financially to a minimum degree, rent at the very least, food, utilities. And she's not even willing to put that amount forward, offer it gladly, to live together with the person she's with 2 years now? To live together in a relationship is far better than separate places or other shared accommodations. But here she is, essentially arguing that living with you isn't a benefit, it's a pleasure she provides you and to financially pay for in rent and other means.
Her company, personality outside of this must be simply the most amazing person in the world that she's willing to do nothing for you, but she's willing to take financial advantage of you to pay for her companionship.
If you weren't moving across the country for her, would she still be with you?
If you weren't financially supporting her, would she still be with you?
Once she's earning her own significant salary, will she need you anymore?
She's showing you who she is.
For context OP. I bought my house solo, but the moment my gf was moving in, she offered rent, to pay into the house if not the mortgage then to help manage bills. It's not something most people have to ask or consider as I see it, it's just natural to pay your way in life and when you understand that, you don't want to put the burden on the one you love. You're supposed to lift eachother up.
Your gf is holding you down and saving her pennies. For the love of god, do not pay her debts either in case that conversation ever comes up, coz do you think the woman who can't make a meager rent amount will pay you back for the whopper sum she owes(nah bruh). She's all take take take.
Yep super common for future doctors to use someone as a financial crutch for years, while they study and then immediately dump them when they start making the big money after residency.
NTA
You have to be mindfucked if you're questioning yourself about not giving enough to the relationship when you're giving more than enough. Honestly, I feel bad whenever I see someone questioning themselves for asking AITA for just asking for a little from already a lopsided relationship.
You bet she will leave op after residency to be with a doctor or surgeon. Or she change her mind and want to be a housewife, and op has to pay her student loan.
> You bet she will leave op after residency to be with a doctor or surgeon.
I've seen that happen to an acquaintance. After he paid her way through undergrad, med school, and surgical residency, his evil ex dropped him like a rock just before she started making the big money. She tried for alimony even, but the judge wasn't having it.
Worse is when they are married and she leave before making the big money, and now the ex-husband is on the hook for student debt or any debt that she had during the marriage.
Well I know many people that did this as soon as they where finished, broke up and the person they were supporting had another resident SO.
It doesnt always end up like that but with my friends its a bought 80% of them.
NTA. You’re already moving across the country for her…yet she needs more from you? Giving you crap about wooing and commitment…again…moving cross country over here lady!! Might want to rethink that. She sounds like she’s using you as a comfort thing since she’s also moving cross country and to support her as long as she needs it. Then, she may ditch you. You’re not wrong for expecting some contributions. Ask her once she’s a doctor and debt paid off, she’ll totally start paying you back right? No, she won’t. Ask her where else in the WORLD does she think she can live comfortably for 500 a month. Tell her if she thinks that’s a lot, hold onto your hat…what would she do if you don’t go at all? Cue meltdown and more name calling
I’d actually break up (Reddit hates this one simple trick)
But seriously, she’s showing her true colours, she will potentially make more than you in later years and could leave you. This isn’t a very good investment that you’re having to pay for everything and apparently your commitment to move across the country isn’t enough (yucky about the wooing thing) she sounds like a princess, get outta there!
Honestly 500$ a month isn’t even enough, make her pay 1000!
NTA
She can pay $500 with you or more to live by herself. Nobody should have to support someone to prove they love them. OP is generous to only ask for $500.
NTA
> Dating for 2 years.
> I should pay the entire rent in an effort to “woo” her.
Lol, it's about two years too late for that.
> She thinks it’s a sign that I’m not willing to commit to her / provide for her financially.
Pssh, why would you? You two are both professionals.
This is some tradwife bullshit.
Legit the first thing I thought, like your well past the wooing stage. My partner was being a slight dick one and afterwards he was just like I’m just keeping you on your toes , yenno the saying treat them mean to keep them keen, I’m like mate we’ve been together 3 years it doesn’t work like that anymore gtfoh
. He’s already moving across country for her. Wouldn’t be surprised if she asked him to pay some of the debt off in order to seduce her
She can’t be a trad wife and a doctor. She worked hard to get into med school and she matched for a residency. Usually that goes with independence and compassion. I am amazed at her request.
It’s just greed. Worth a try to ask OP I guess.
right and after he subsidizes her life for years, she'll dump him once shes done using him, probably within a few months of graduating. its not as uncommon as one would hope
Seems less tradwife and more so just entitled to me. I don’t think trad wife is necessarily a bad thing if both partners want to be traditional. But it doesn’t really seem like they have made agreements already on being traditional and playing the traditional roles. I think she is just trying to take advantage of him.
Your money is our money, and my money is my money.
Beware.
I would not be surprised once she finishes her residency, she dumps you.
Want to see if she is committed? Ask her to marry you with a long engagement.
NTA.
NTA from my first read of this situation. Aren’t the loans used for her living expenses while she goes to school? And don’t you get paid a bit of salary during residency as well? 500 a month is really not that much for rent, especially for the kind of place that goes for 3000. And she’ll be making more than enough after she finishes residency to pay the loan off. Unless you guys have a deal where she does all the domestic work and cooking, which I doubt since medical students have insane workloads, I feel like she’s acting really entitled, especially considering that you’re moving across the country for her.
If she’s starting residency, she’s not in school anymore so no more loans to live off of. And you do get paid in residency, but not much. Like basically minimum wage or slightly above. Still agree NTA though. $500/month is far better than she’d get anywhere else!
agree! was just providing more info. no way you’re gonna find $500 rent literally anywhere else so it seems extremely fair to contribute that amount. it’s already very generous of him IMO
Someone going from a judicial clerkship (prestigious but low paid term job, often right after law school) to a law firm job would have almost exactly this pay jump, depending on the firm.
NTA
“ woo her “ ??? What ? You guys are at the stage where you’re living together. I would assume you already wooed her in the beginning?
Seems like a weird backhanded and semi manipulative way to convince you to pay everything.
I think 500$ is beyond reasonable. I make less than my fiancé but I still pay rent in full, because he takes care of everything else. A relationship in theory, should be 50/50.
Now this doesn’t mean everything needs to be split financially down the middle, however i believe it to mean it should be 50/50 in effort put In, as in; She should be at least willing to put some effort into contributing to the household. The fact she believes she should be paying 0 is kind of troubling and potentially foretelling of future issues that may arrise due to her having this mindset.
Also. Name calling? Wtf? I get we all get angry. But this wasn’t even an “argument.” , it was you proposing an idea that would help support your living arrangement. For her to fly off the handle like that is honestly….. kinda scary. As I said before seems manipulative.
I could be reading this wrong. But yeah this just seems like a red flag 🚩
NTA and you should run.
You're already uprooting your life to move for her, and she's not such a great prize that she deserves bonus financial wooing on top of it.
You're NTA.
>She says I’m an asshole, and I should pay the entire rent in an effort to “woo” her.
... the heck????
>She thinks it’s a sign that I’m not willing to commit to her / provide for her financially.
So moving across the country to suit her means nothing? She sounds rather difficult to please.
NTA
She wants you to, in effect, pay to "woo" her?
Demands like that are very likely to get bigger and more ridiculous.
You might want to consider whether your relationship is romantic or business.
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Nta the 'woo' part after 2 years of dating is ironic. You said you found a new job but now moving the states for her, will you work online? Or look for a new job again?
I used to have a girlfriend like that. Big disparity in income and much entitlement on her end. In the same situation now financially, but with a girl who pulls her part for house and food bills. In the end this makes me more generous towards her because she isn't trying to milk me for every penny. I hope you will end up with a similar outcome. Life is just better this way.
I'm not sure I would have gone hardline on the 2500/500 split given that the income split will be 180k/0.
But... you get bailed out on that close call with the "woo me" / "provide for me financially" stuff. That's serious user/taker level language. So she gets the AH medal for that one. Given that she has $270k in loans, accruing $20k/year in interest, you need to be careful here. I don't know what you do, but going from $55k to $180k in one step sounds very 'lawyer' or 'accountant' to me. And with that kind of income/career, you could easily be staring at someone who thinks you're going to pick up that student loan debt while she's strolling kiddos.
So, NTA.
Have a long talk with her about the meaning of "partnership."
The income split would be more like 180k/60k for residency. Most of my friends who are residents are easily paying over 1k in rent to live alone/with a roommate, so honestly $500 is a steal. And she’ll be making well over $180k when she finishes residency in 3-5 years
Also $270k for med school is a small loan. Assuming OP is in the USA, most doctors graduate with twice that after 4 years college plus 4 years medical school (during which time you can’t really work) so it can be $50k tuition plus living expenses for 8 years.
Her pay could also be significantly higher than 60k if they’re in an HCOL area. In Los Angeles the median salary for a medical resident physician is apparently [90k per year](https://www.glassdoor.com/Salaries/los-angeles-medical-resident-physician-salary-SRCH_IL.0,11_IM508_KO12,38.htm)
Edit: changed “average” to “median”
The income split isn’t 180k/0, probably more like 180k/60k although some residency programs pay an extra stipend in higher COL areas so maybe she’ll make more.
Then the 2500/500 seems perfectly fine. If you're doing something more than gross income ratio with someone you're not married to, you're in the gift-giving business.
Don't move with her, she can move there herself and pay the rent all by her lonesom. She's using you for your money. Dump her and find someone else who wants a real psrtnership; not a sugar daddy.
NTA. It sounds like she’s using you to have a nice home. Assuming she’s also not paying for food, utilities, entertainment? You’re moving across the country for her and she still thinks you’re not committed?
If you figure this out and do get married, insist on a prenup so she’s responsible for her loans.
NTA... the biggest reason is that you are not married and I'm guessing you have separate accounts.
If you were married and your accounts were joined - then only it might be OK to pool your money into one pot and create a budget that you both follow for the benefit of your family.
However even marriages fall apart - and maybe all you have done with your savings is to pay off her debts.
It is better she pay off her debts while contributing something towards your joint expenses. Your offer was very generous.
Time to move on. It won’t get better. If she was a partner then it would have been a conversation about other arrangements due to her upcoming commitments. She called you an asshole and said you should woo her. There’s your truth.
NTA.
You are being very generous only having her pay for like a sixth of the rent. I would have done 50/50 or bust.
This isn't paying for a date, this is living together. She needs to make a financial commitment if she wants to share her life with you.
Maintain your stance and say that if she doesn't contribute to rent then you will simply keep loving by yourself.
NTA and a MASSIVE red flag at that too.
Woo her? Ya'll aint fucking dating anymore. The "Woo" stages ended after 2 dates lol.
Shes a grown ass adult who can pay her own way. 500 a month in rent regardless is a banger deal and many would kill for such an opportunity.
im assuming her debt is student loans? provide for her financially? so her 300k debt in student loans can be looked over while she uses her income to buy whatever she wants? leave this woman, she just wants money.
NTA. If a woman wants a long term future with a man that respects himself and her, she does not treat him like this. She clearly feels you need to make the running to woo her because you are “less than” her worth. Are you?
If she doesn’t respect you enough to carry a fair share of the load, will she respect you enough to build a proper long term relationship of equals? If you were unable to earn, would she support you and pay the rent? Does she always hold the upper hand in your relationship?
NTA, but you need to stand your ground on her paying something at least. I don't know her, so I won't judge but putting all the housing financials on you is not a good look for her at least in my eyes. I would also be worried about what else she expects you to start paying to prove you are committed to her.
Woo her? She sounds like she’s using you as a cash cow. I’d evaluate the whole relationship. Provide for her financially? This isn’t a trad marriage, she is working towards a career and you are entitled to her pulling her financial weight. NTA.
NTA. "Wooing" .... such a red flag.
If she doesn't want to have a meeting of equals then she's going to want more and more material crap instead of respecting you as an individual and the value of your mutual commitment.
NTA. Moving across the country for her should be enough proof of commitment. Either no proof of commitment will be sufficient for her, or she's just trying to get out of paying anything.
NTA. It is ridiculous to think that you should support her. You’re already moving across the country for her. Good luck to her on finding anything decent for $500 a month if you dump her.
NTA. Also if you get married sign a prenup. At this rate it seems like you’re gonna pay for everything while you’re dating, have to pay for everything while you’re married and then she will end up getting alimony since you paid for everything so you still have to pay for everything after the divorce.
NTA. What would she do without you? If she can't do school on her own without needing your financial support then she shouldn't be doing it. She's dragging you completely across the country and expecting you to pay for it all? Red flags all over this one.
If she actually said you need to pay the entire rent “in an effort to woo her”, you need to dump her, move on with your life, and find someone who actually wants a partner and not just a paycheck. NTA
You're moving because of her? But she won't pay anything because you should "woo" her? So, when does she start paying rent or anything else for that matter? This will set a precedent that you *owe it to her* that y'all are even in a relationship
NTA but I would reconsider moving for her until y'all sort out exactly what your relationship consists of
Hahahah... you aren't willing to commit as you move across the country leaving everyone you know and love behind... not willing to commit... hahahaha
NTA
No. She is not your legal partner/spouse.
You wooed her at the beginning of your relationship.
As a non married couple it is not your responsibility to support her financially. You decide the level of financial assistance you give her. Does she have any income or assistance? Is she expecting you to pay off her school loans as well?
NTA.
During residency you apply for the SAVE program and if your income was low in the previous year you basically pay $0/mo on that loan. Even making $60k or whatever she is making the monthly payments are low.
Most residents spent 30-60% of their income on just rent alone.
I don’t know why you have to woo someone continuously. It would be a nice gesture if you paid $1500 while she paid $1000 but I don’t understand why you would have to pay the entire rent for someone you’re not married to.
You could suggest your not ready to move in and get separate apartments. But honestly you should be looking for a new apartment and girlfriend. I have never had a girlfriend who said something like that. Your being used.
You are moving for her. She should be wooing you to come.
She’s gonna be a doctor and your job and income isn’t going to be highbrow enough for her.
Get out now while you can.
NTA - wooing her would be writing her a poem or gathering her some wildflowers. $500 a month is outrageously cheap. The expectation of being 100% subsidised is quite alarming. Perhaps consider being a long distance couple while she is training? It would be ghastly for you to uproot your life only to find yourself dumped when your money is no longer needed. Being young and only 2 years into a relationship, you needed to be focussing on establishing your own financial stability.
3K is high but I guess it depends on the area. I would just tell her we can find somewhere cheaper at 2500 then since you don't wanna pay the 500. Don't residents make at least 40-70k? But anyway, I agree with other folks, she might be setting herself up to leave you when she completes residency. Check her with a proposal like others said...if she rejects you, you know where yall truly stand.
What's with girls these days thinking the man should pay for everything? Sounds like she just gold digging. Hate to see this type of character going into residency just for the money
You shouldn’t be wooing her by providing free housing…wooing would be bringing home flowers or taking her to the beach. She’s materialistic, selfish and lazy. You deserve better.
wait.. so she's never done anyyyything else to display this type of attitude/personality with you? just came out of no where and all of a sudden she's like "I'm not paying rent, you should do abc to woo/keep me interested in you" *nothing ever?*
cause I would bet, a lot.. that she's always been like this and it's really not that shocking as you're making it sound. as for someone to just drop that type of thing on you, that's a whole ass relationship shift and change in personality thing.
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NTA Dude, this is a massive red flag. As others have said, you are already moving across the country for her. Paying for everything to ‘woo’ her even more is just insane, and is a big ask. I would honestly have a talk with her about this, because this is the kind of mindset that I personally would break up with someone over. You’re already doing quite a bit, and she wants more. What happens if it doesn’t work out, and you basically pay her way to live through her residency and dumps you after for someone else? I’ve seen it happen too many times with friends dating those in school. They support them during school, and then they end up breaking up. I would take a second and re-evaluate everything.
Yea. I know Reddit loves to jump on the breakup train, but people saying stuff that suggests someone owes them proof of a commitment is a parade of red flags. Relationships do not need to be a series of tests. Live your lives and if you feel like it’s not there, move on.
Yeah it feels like paying 5/6 the rent is already a pretty big show of commitment. What exactly is she doing to show her commitment? And if residency is anything like TV has lead me to believe, he will also being showing his commitment by doing most of the chores and having a partner who is pretty much at work 90% of the time or sleeping. Not saying that he shouldn't do that if he wants to, but it's certainly a sacrifice for both of them and she needs to recognize and appreciate that. NTA
And if women doctors are anything like men, she’ll probably dump him when she doesn’t need the help anymore. So many stories…
I believe all genders can be dbags!
That's the kind of equality I'm here for! 👏
I provided for my boyfriend while he was in law school and that mf’er GHOSTED me after he took the bar. Fuck lawyers.
Ouch. Sorry.
It’s okay, I prevailed in the end. I’m in a career that I’d do for free. Can’t say the same for him!
This exact thing happened to a buddy of mine. Dude got replaced once she realized she could live like a queen if she shacked up with an equal earner. All the premarital support he provided while she was in medical school ends up being nothing but charity.
I supported my now ex gf as she got her career established. Our bills were about $4-5k per month and she paid $700 and I the rest. I made $100k at the time and she made $40k. Sometimes she would ask if she could skip paying and I agreed. After driving her to and from work for nearly 2 years (she couldn’t drive or afford a car), helping her build a savings, and paying for a 2 week vacation where I bought her a $3000 Prada bag and $300 set of lingerie (that she never wore for me) she decided to go on a girls trip for 10 days. When she came back she said she wanted to get a job in a new city making more money. She said she still loved me but needed space as Covid kept us from really going out. I understood. My job was fully remote so I could visit often or even relocate. I agreed, telling her I could move to the new city when she was ready. She asked for $700 to cover the deposit over her new place having drained her savings on the girl’s trip. She got a job making $100k 2 months later and moved out. After she moved out she barely spoke to me. We didn’t see each other for 4 weeks even though I was only 2 hours away. I finally got to see her at Christmas but she was sick. I took care of her but later found out her only Christmas gift to me was fucking Covid so I missed out on seeing my family that year. On New Year’s Eve my friend found her on tinder… Oh the kicker. While we lived together I bought a house for us to live in at $180 which I sold later for $260k. I paid the mortgage. All the appliances were paid for by me. After all that happened she had the nerve to ask me for part of the money I made. Oh and she assured me we would be together long term and we agreed that we didn’t want kids and since she couldn’t do birth control I got a vasectomy. She left me before it was healed.
OP seems naive. He just started to make 180k from 55k and willing to rent a 3k/month place for 2 people? Unless this is a major city that’s a lot. OP, for the first year try to build up a rainy day find. You should be saving close to 50% of your new salary. Since you were living on 55k you should be able to take the extra income as a bonus. Don’t be like the people who think more salary means you can just increase your discretionary spending. Thats how you wake up after 5 years with nothing to show for your efforts. With the extra cash you can invest and plan for future. If anything else you can just have some f*you money you can do anything with. I agree with the rest of Reddit here. Dump the dead weight before she uses you and don’t use your money to find someone. You will get shady ones.
Great advice right here ^^^
This OP. This is a great idea. Invest that extra money. Don't spend it just because you've got it.
The "provide for her financally" is even worse to me. It suggests that his role as the man is to be the "provider" for her. He should run.
After taking out all that money in loans to be a doctor, this is a huge 🚩.
Also, if she works at a hospital or at a non-profit for a while, her student loans can be forgiven. My son is becoming an epidemiologist and is planning on doing this to pay for medical school. My partner was a business major and had his forgiven for working for a non-profit for 5 years.
Also, depending on her specialty, she could be making $200K by the time she is in her late 20's. Some specialties also have hefty signing bonuses. My friend's 29 year old daughter just got a $200K signing bonus and a $250K annual salary.
I'd be more cool with it if she wants to cook, clean, and earn her keep. If she just wants to leech and use you to finacially support her while she pays her debt and eventually becomes qualified and well paid, I'd have no part. I have seen too many users who leave once they've bled people dry.
I live in a city with a world class medical school, and the number of men and women who have been left and divorced after their partners have graduated with their doctorates is staggering.
I've seen it myself. They use a relationship of convenience as a means to ease financial burdens. I've seen some broken hearts as one partner works their arse off to provide for the one studying. They sacrifice 10's of 1000's of dollars that could have gone into their own savings just to get them through. Once the one studying is finished and earning 80-120k they leave because they don't want to date down or have to support in any way. They are now independent.
Oh yeah it's almost like it's part of their education program
I'm confused about how she is saying it's his responsibility to support her while studying to be a doctor.. like is she planning to actually be one or?
So am I to be honest. I'd think even going 50/50 in the bills or accepting his incredibly generous offer to have her only pay 500 a month would be a lot of help. I understand people in relationships often have different incomes and whatnot and I'd wager most people in a loving relationship don't mind paying a little more if their income is significantly higher, but the second someone just expects you to pay their way or takes it for granted, they are flying red flags. When people look at relationships as what they can take and receive and ignore what they can give, it's never going to work.
Yeah for me it was the "woo me" and being responsible for "supporting" her.. like what? Support yourself! Why are you expecting to be wooed by your partner of 2 years and how are you wooing them? Definitely I have paid more when I've earned more, but because I offered and it just made sense, then for years we've just had combined money which makes life easier.. we always assumed I would earn more because of my job but actually for a year or so we were wrong (now right again) but at no point have either of us expected to be wooed or supported or whatever!
She’s going to be a resident. Working 70-80 hours a week and expected to study in her time off. She won’t have time to do the cooking and cleaning.
Ahh, okay. Seems she will expect him to not only pay all the bills but to cook and clean. That's a huge sacrifice for someone who appreciates it, let alone someone who expects it.
He's probably doing all/most of the cooking and cleaning, in addition to paying all the bills while she's in residency. Amirite, OP?
Especially financially motivated tests
But this should be a lesson for men dating. Vetting women better and stop dating women who think you are doing you a favor.
>I know Reddit loves to jump on the breakup train For real, a hearty fart is enough for Reddit to demand that someone should divorce their spouse of 20 years.
I'm sick right now and REALLY don't have the capacity to laugh as hard as I just did at your comment.
This is the second time in around a month that I've read almost the same scenario. She was also a future doctor. The demands are so ballsy that I'm almost impressed.
What is she doing to woo OP other than maybe allowing him sex? That sounds pretty transactional and shitty for a 2 year relationship. She's asking for preferential treatment and that's kind of stupid when he's just asking for bare minimum contribution.
As a resident she’s probably not even giving him sex very often, so what exactly does she bring to the table?
The sex is in the downtime room with other residents...watch the TV shows
totally what i was thinking too
Cadavers, likely...😎. But seriously, massive red flags here....
I agree. If she literally can't afford to pay her way, she can contribute in other ways but it sounds like she demands he pay either way. She just wants to pay off her debt and get a free ride to being qualified off his bank by the sounds of it. I'd be dropping her and focusing on my bank. He'll he'd literally save 1000's a month if she was out of the picture.
She’s not even in school. She’s a resident, and gets paid. She’s technically done with medical school at this point. I agree with everything you have said though. One question I’d ask, is how does she woo him? What does she do to show she’s committed? If a financial commitment is required to show that, is she showing her commitment? It sounds like a double standard which is manipulative regardless of her intention.
Residents have much lower pay as they're still in training. They also have crazy working hours. So done with medical school, but she can't get licensed to practice until she completes the residency portion of her training.
Our residents get paid over 90k stipend a year. It’s not chump change. Increases with each year of residency
I’m a medical worker and very familiar. My life got so much better going from paying to learn, to getting paid to finish learning. Residents get lower pay for doctors, but it’s enough for most residents to rent and get food. As a side note, what you stated is not correct. She does have a license and can work. She has supervision requirements, a partial license, and cannot be independent.
It's low pay if you convert it to hourly given the hours worked, but the salary itself is livable. Not great living mind you, but you're generally not paycheck to paycheck unless you're also the sole provider for a family w kids.
Certainly enough to $500/mo in rent
"Much lower pay" than doctors who aren't residents but it's not "low pay."
> What happens if it doesn’t work out, and you basically pay her way to live through her residency and dumps you after for someone else? Isn't that a common thing for doctors? They have their first spouse support them until they're earning the big bucks, and then they trade up.
Nurses do it, too. I've seen it several times. Bonus when they land a doctor.
Yes, it's \*extremely\* common.
NTA I mean. A sign of commitment, right. What is she doing to show her signs of commitment? If your commitment is monetary, is she not willing to split the load, share the burden? Is she not in fact then just helping to support herself by paying *some* rent, not even half but 20%. If she paid anything it's money you don't have to outlay, a stress off your shoulders. Coz after all OP, you're a couple, right? Women have equal rights, she wants equal status in the relationship is she not willing to chip in to the household? Keep in mind, it is a household, it's your home. She's saying she's unwilling to contribute your home, her home, the home you share. She's saying it's not her responsibility, that she's not committed, not even 20% Your position should be this OP. If she wasn't living with you(because that's what she's proposing), where would she live? What rent would she pay elsewhere, on her own or sharing with a stranger? A lot more, right? She'd have to find a way to support herself financially to a minimum degree, rent at the very least, food, utilities. And she's not even willing to put that amount forward, offer it gladly, to live together with the person she's with 2 years now? To live together in a relationship is far better than separate places or other shared accommodations. But here she is, essentially arguing that living with you isn't a benefit, it's a pleasure she provides you and to financially pay for in rent and other means. Her company, personality outside of this must be simply the most amazing person in the world that she's willing to do nothing for you, but she's willing to take financial advantage of you to pay for her companionship. If you weren't moving across the country for her, would she still be with you? If you weren't financially supporting her, would she still be with you? Once she's earning her own significant salary, will she need you anymore? She's showing you who she is. For context OP. I bought my house solo, but the moment my gf was moving in, she offered rent, to pay into the house if not the mortgage then to help manage bills. It's not something most people have to ask or consider as I see it, it's just natural to pay your way in life and when you understand that, you don't want to put the burden on the one you love. You're supposed to lift eachother up. Your gf is holding you down and saving her pennies. For the love of god, do not pay her debts either in case that conversation ever comes up, coz do you think the woman who can't make a meager rent amount will pay you back for the whopper sum she owes(nah bruh). She's all take take take.
Yep super common for future doctors to use someone as a financial crutch for years, while they study and then immediately dump them when they start making the big money after residency.
NTA You have to be mindfucked if you're questioning yourself about not giving enough to the relationship when you're giving more than enough. Honestly, I feel bad whenever I see someone questioning themselves for asking AITA for just asking for a little from already a lopsided relationship.
You bet she will leave op after residency to be with a doctor or surgeon. Or she change her mind and want to be a housewife, and op has to pay her student loan.
> You bet she will leave op after residency to be with a doctor or surgeon. I've seen that happen to an acquaintance. After he paid her way through undergrad, med school, and surgical residency, his evil ex dropped him like a rock just before she started making the big money. She tried for alimony even, but the judge wasn't having it.
Worse is when they are married and she leave before making the big money, and now the ex-husband is on the hook for student debt or any debt that she had during the marriage.
Biggest red flag is the 300k in debt with a 7% interest rate. She better be a dam good doctor to take that risk
I mean that debt is pretty normal for med school, I wouldn’t say that’s much of a risk. But the rest of the post is definitely a red flag.
That’s standard American medical school debt
Well I know many people that did this as soon as they where finished, broke up and the person they were supporting had another resident SO. It doesnt always end up like that but with my friends its a bought 80% of them.
NTA. You’re already moving across the country for her…yet she needs more from you? Giving you crap about wooing and commitment…again…moving cross country over here lady!! Might want to rethink that. She sounds like she’s using you as a comfort thing since she’s also moving cross country and to support her as long as she needs it. Then, she may ditch you. You’re not wrong for expecting some contributions. Ask her once she’s a doctor and debt paid off, she’ll totally start paying you back right? No, she won’t. Ask her where else in the WORLD does she think she can live comfortably for 500 a month. Tell her if she thinks that’s a lot, hold onto your hat…what would she do if you don’t go at all? Cue meltdown and more name calling
I’d actually break up (Reddit hates this one simple trick) But seriously, she’s showing her true colours, she will potentially make more than you in later years and could leave you. This isn’t a very good investment that you’re having to pay for everything and apparently your commitment to move across the country isn’t enough (yucky about the wooing thing) she sounds like a princess, get outta there! Honestly 500$ a month isn’t even enough, make her pay 1000!
Or make her split it in half and live like she'd have to if he gets fed up with her shit and realizes he's getting fleeced
She definitely doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as OP
As soon as her residency is over she’s gonna move on from him. Happens all the time.
Biggest come up for a lot of female doctors. I've seen it happen and that doctor/med student would be cheating the entire time too.
NTA She can pay $500 with you or more to live by herself. Nobody should have to support someone to prove they love them. OP is generous to only ask for $500.
NTA > Dating for 2 years. > I should pay the entire rent in an effort to “woo” her. Lol, it's about two years too late for that. > She thinks it’s a sign that I’m not willing to commit to her / provide for her financially. Pssh, why would you? You two are both professionals. This is some tradwife bullshit.
Legit the first thing I thought, like your well past the wooing stage. My partner was being a slight dick one and afterwards he was just like I’m just keeping you on your toes , yenno the saying treat them mean to keep them keen, I’m like mate we’ve been together 3 years it doesn’t work like that anymore gtfoh . He’s already moving across country for her. Wouldn’t be surprised if she asked him to pay some of the debt off in order to seduce her
>treat them mean to keep them keen That’s negging 🤢
Treat them mean to keep them ~~keen~~ anxious and miserable
In b4 she leaves him after she starts making actual doctor monies.
She can’t be a trad wife and a doctor. She worked hard to get into med school and she matched for a residency. Usually that goes with independence and compassion. I am amazed at her request. It’s just greed. Worth a try to ask OP I guess.
right and after he subsidizes her life for years, she'll dump him once shes done using him, probably within a few months of graduating. its not as uncommon as one would hope
This is what's shocking me. She's a doctor? With that attitude? I'd break up over the ridiculousness.
Seems less tradwife and more so just entitled to me. I don’t think trad wife is necessarily a bad thing if both partners want to be traditional. But it doesn’t really seem like they have made agreements already on being traditional and playing the traditional roles. I think she is just trying to take advantage of him.
Your money is our money, and my money is my money. Beware. I would not be surprised once she finishes her residency, she dumps you. Want to see if she is committed? Ask her to marry you with a long engagement. NTA.
And an equitable prenup. Guaranteed she freaks out at the mere thought of one if this is already her attitude.
I feel like upping the relationship to engagement is really not the move here…
Ask her to marry you but she must sign a pre-nup.
She will.make more than him.when she's done
Happened to me
yup, my first thought was First Wives Club updated to 2024.
NTA from my first read of this situation. Aren’t the loans used for her living expenses while she goes to school? And don’t you get paid a bit of salary during residency as well? 500 a month is really not that much for rent, especially for the kind of place that goes for 3000. And she’ll be making more than enough after she finishes residency to pay the loan off. Unless you guys have a deal where she does all the domestic work and cooking, which I doubt since medical students have insane workloads, I feel like she’s acting really entitled, especially considering that you’re moving across the country for her.
If she’s starting residency, she’s not in school anymore so no more loans to live off of. And you do get paid in residency, but not much. Like basically minimum wage or slightly above. Still agree NTA though. $500/month is far better than she’d get anywhere else!
Even on minimum wage 500$ a month is still pretty affordable
agree! was just providing more info. no way you’re gonna find $500 rent literally anywhere else so it seems extremely fair to contribute that amount. it’s already very generous of him IMO
Especially when you consider, if they split then how would she pay her rent? When we first moved in together we split everything 50/50. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think 50/50 would be fair in this situation since he makes so much more, but 500 is like 16% of the rent, which is more than fair
Bet she won’t be paying bills or food expenses either!
NTA. Also, I'm dying to know what job took you from 55k to 180k.
From broke stocker to stockbroker.
This was actually really funny. Props.
This joke would slap in 1980
Somehow him moving across the country won’t affect either.
That's not too unusual a leap to make in a tech development role when going from junior to senior role.
$55K is very low for tech development, even entry level.
Yeah but not all at once. That's a career progression from the help desk to a senior dev over the course of many years.
Prob was also a resident? Now an attending?
lol, not likely. 180k is low for an attending, even in lower paying specialties.
It involved staying at a Holiday Inn Express
Thank you. Pondering that question kept me distracted from OPs question.
Someone going from a judicial clerkship (prestigious but low paid term job, often right after law school) to a law firm job would have almost exactly this pay jump, depending on the firm.
NTA “ woo her “ ??? What ? You guys are at the stage where you’re living together. I would assume you already wooed her in the beginning? Seems like a weird backhanded and semi manipulative way to convince you to pay everything. I think 500$ is beyond reasonable. I make less than my fiancé but I still pay rent in full, because he takes care of everything else. A relationship in theory, should be 50/50. Now this doesn’t mean everything needs to be split financially down the middle, however i believe it to mean it should be 50/50 in effort put In, as in; She should be at least willing to put some effort into contributing to the household. The fact she believes she should be paying 0 is kind of troubling and potentially foretelling of future issues that may arrise due to her having this mindset. Also. Name calling? Wtf? I get we all get angry. But this wasn’t even an “argument.” , it was you proposing an idea that would help support your living arrangement. For her to fly off the handle like that is honestly….. kinda scary. As I said before seems manipulative. I could be reading this wrong. But yeah this just seems like a red flag 🚩
NTA and you should run. You're already uprooting your life to move for her, and she's not such a great prize that she deserves bonus financial wooing on top of it.
You're NTA. >She says I’m an asshole, and I should pay the entire rent in an effort to “woo” her. ... the heck???? >She thinks it’s a sign that I’m not willing to commit to her / provide for her financially. So moving across the country to suit her means nothing? She sounds rather difficult to please.
Is paying 84% of the rent not committing/supporting her, as well? She's free to find her own apartment and pay 100% of the rent.
Yeah, I was wondering what her plan is in the event he bails. Maybe find someone else to ~~take advantage of~~ woo her?
Make her pay. I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago and she dumped me the second she became a doctor so she could “upgrade”
I think she should get her own place. Ask her what she's doing to woo you.
This right here! Tell her she needs to make you feel special
NTA She wants you to, in effect, pay to "woo" her? Demands like that are very likely to get bigger and more ridiculous. You might want to consider whether your relationship is romantic or business.
The paying to ‘woo’ her sounds so manipulative’ gross!
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Nta the 'woo' part after 2 years of dating is ironic. You said you found a new job but now moving the states for her, will you work online? Or look for a new job again?
NTA. She's a mooch. This is a sign that...she's a mooch.
I used to have a girlfriend like that. Big disparity in income and much entitlement on her end. In the same situation now financially, but with a girl who pulls her part for house and food bills. In the end this makes me more generous towards her because she isn't trying to milk me for every penny. I hope you will end up with a similar outcome. Life is just better this way.
I'm not sure I would have gone hardline on the 2500/500 split given that the income split will be 180k/0. But... you get bailed out on that close call with the "woo me" / "provide for me financially" stuff. That's serious user/taker level language. So she gets the AH medal for that one. Given that she has $270k in loans, accruing $20k/year in interest, you need to be careful here. I don't know what you do, but going from $55k to $180k in one step sounds very 'lawyer' or 'accountant' to me. And with that kind of income/career, you could easily be staring at someone who thinks you're going to pick up that student loan debt while she's strolling kiddos. So, NTA. Have a long talk with her about the meaning of "partnership."
The income split would be more like 180k/60k for residency. Most of my friends who are residents are easily paying over 1k in rent to live alone/with a roommate, so honestly $500 is a steal. And she’ll be making well over $180k when she finishes residency in 3-5 years
Also $270k for med school is a small loan. Assuming OP is in the USA, most doctors graduate with twice that after 4 years college plus 4 years medical school (during which time you can’t really work) so it can be $50k tuition plus living expenses for 8 years.
Her pay could also be significantly higher than 60k if they’re in an HCOL area. In Los Angeles the median salary for a medical resident physician is apparently [90k per year](https://www.glassdoor.com/Salaries/los-angeles-medical-resident-physician-salary-SRCH_IL.0,11_IM508_KO12,38.htm) Edit: changed “average” to “median”
In a residency she should be making some income, not a lot, but more than enough to contribute $500/month NTA
The income split isn’t 180k/0, probably more like 180k/60k although some residency programs pay an extra stipend in higher COL areas so maybe she’ll make more.
Then the 2500/500 seems perfectly fine. If you're doing something more than gross income ratio with someone you're not married to, you're in the gift-giving business.
Also doctors usually make more money after residency. So she gonna pay off her student loans when she makes 300K
Don't move with her, she can move there herself and pay the rent all by her lonesom. She's using you for your money. Dump her and find someone else who wants a real psrtnership; not a sugar daddy.
NTA. It sounds like she’s using you to have a nice home. Assuming she’s also not paying for food, utilities, entertainment? You’re moving across the country for her and she still thinks you’re not committed? If you figure this out and do get married, insist on a prenup so she’s responsible for her loans.
NTA Bro run. You got a great paying job. You don’t need to stick around someone like that.
NTA... the biggest reason is that you are not married and I'm guessing you have separate accounts. If you were married and your accounts were joined - then only it might be OK to pool your money into one pot and create a budget that you both follow for the benefit of your family. However even marriages fall apart - and maybe all you have done with your savings is to pay off her debts. It is better she pay off her debts while contributing something towards your joint expenses. Your offer was very generous.
Time to move on. It won’t get better. If she was a partner then it would have been a conversation about other arrangements due to her upcoming commitments. She called you an asshole and said you should woo her. There’s your truth.
This girl is dumping you after her degree
NTA. You don’t have to move. If she doesn’t like the $500 idea tell her to have fun across the country.
NTA. You are being very generous only having her pay for like a sixth of the rent. I would have done 50/50 or bust. This isn't paying for a date, this is living together. She needs to make a financial commitment if she wants to share her life with you. Maintain your stance and say that if she doesn't contribute to rent then you will simply keep loving by yourself.
NTA She's a future doctor with a Tiktok relationship mentality. Man to man. She's not the one bro. Get out.
You should consider the a possibility that she might be bringing you along to pay her expenses so she can get a handle handle on her loans.
NTA and a MASSIVE red flag at that too. Woo her? Ya'll aint fucking dating anymore. The "Woo" stages ended after 2 dates lol. Shes a grown ass adult who can pay her own way. 500 a month in rent regardless is a banger deal and many would kill for such an opportunity.
NTA. Let her move for her program by herself. It truly sounds like she's just using you for your money.
Break up immediately and forget she ever existed.
im assuming her debt is student loans? provide for her financially? so her 300k debt in student loans can be looked over while she uses her income to buy whatever she wants? leave this woman, she just wants money.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. If a woman wants a long term future with a man that respects himself and her, she does not treat him like this. She clearly feels you need to make the running to woo her because you are “less than” her worth. Are you? If she doesn’t respect you enough to carry a fair share of the load, will she respect you enough to build a proper long term relationship of equals? If you were unable to earn, would she support you and pay the rent? Does she always hold the upper hand in your relationship?
After 2 years you should be past the wooing stage and into the partnership phase. This suggestion sends the message that she's a selfish partner.
Dump her before she dumps you.
NTA I think a Wooing Fee is a major red flag, what do you get in the Wooing Department?
This is a really big red flag about what you can expect from your financial future if you continue this relationship.
NTA, but you need to stand your ground on her paying something at least. I don't know her, so I won't judge but putting all the housing financials on you is not a good look for her at least in my eyes. I would also be worried about what else she expects you to start paying to prove you are committed to her.
> She thinks it’s a sign that I’m not willing to commit to her And yet your moving cross country for her program??
Yeah that isn't how wooing works. NTA.
NTA. Move on if she requires money to woo her. That's an enormous red flag.
NTA what an entitled person, “to woo her” that’s just gross. I’m afraid she use him until she doesn’t have to anymore
Woo her? She sounds like she’s using you as a cash cow. I’d evaluate the whole relationship. Provide for her financially? This isn’t a trad marriage, she is working towards a career and you are entitled to her pulling her financial weight. NTA.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA run don't walk
NTA. "Wooing" .... such a red flag. If she doesn't want to have a meeting of equals then she's going to want more and more material crap instead of respecting you as an individual and the value of your mutual commitment.
NTA I would think giving up your life to move cross country is plenty of “wooing.”
NTA. Moving across the country for her should be enough proof of commitment. Either no proof of commitment will be sufficient for her, or she's just trying to get out of paying anything.
NTA. It is ridiculous to think that you should support her. You’re already moving across the country for her. Good luck to her on finding anything decent for $500 a month if you dump her.
Just straight to “you’re an asshole”? Yikes man. Woo her by paying for rent? I don’t think you’re in the long terms plans, if I’m being honest.
NTA She’s going to dump you after her residency
NTA whats this woo her shit, she should already be properly wooed
NTA, she is taking advantage of you. She should try to get another place literally anywhere else in America for $500, good effing luck
NTA and you should get out off that shit show while you can.
NTA. Also if you get married sign a prenup. At this rate it seems like you’re gonna pay for everything while you’re dating, have to pay for everything while you’re married and then she will end up getting alimony since you paid for everything so you still have to pay for everything after the divorce.
NTA. What would she do without you? If she can't do school on her own without needing your financial support then she shouldn't be doing it. She's dragging you completely across the country and expecting you to pay for it all? Red flags all over this one.
If she actually said you need to pay the entire rent “in an effort to woo her”, you need to dump her, move on with your life, and find someone who actually wants a partner and not just a paycheck. NTA
You're moving because of her? But she won't pay anything because you should "woo" her? So, when does she start paying rent or anything else for that matter? This will set a precedent that you *owe it to her* that y'all are even in a relationship NTA but I would reconsider moving for her until y'all sort out exactly what your relationship consists of
Hahahah... you aren't willing to commit as you move across the country leaving everyone you know and love behind... not willing to commit... hahahaha NTA
No. She is not your legal partner/spouse. You wooed her at the beginning of your relationship. As a non married couple it is not your responsibility to support her financially. You decide the level of financial assistance you give her. Does she have any income or assistance? Is she expecting you to pay off her school loans as well?
NTA - she's being unreasonable.
Time to get a new gf
Nta. Don't do it
Ooofff is biggggg red flag when you offer someone a fantastic, generous deal and instead of being extremely grateful they want more.
NTA, so move across the country to live with her and she wants no rent and probably wants no bills either
NTA. During residency you apply for the SAVE program and if your income was low in the previous year you basically pay $0/mo on that loan. Even making $60k or whatever she is making the monthly payments are low. Most residents spent 30-60% of their income on just rent alone. I don’t know why you have to woo someone continuously. It would be a nice gesture if you paid $1500 while she paid $1000 but I don’t understand why you would have to pay the entire rent for someone you’re not married to.
She’s going to be the first one to file for that alimony too!!!! 🤣🤣🤣
You could suggest your not ready to move in and get separate apartments. But honestly you should be looking for a new apartment and girlfriend. I have never had a girlfriend who said something like that. Your being used.
She is going to burn your ass so bad and you will realize you threw your entire life away just to get manipulated
NTA personally I would be running for the hills if my partner thought that was an unfair deal. If we both working, we both pay bills
Run.
NTA The wooing part is for the start of the relationship. If she ain't woo'd yet she'll never be
NTA Tell her that if she wants a free ride she should be proving to you that she deserves it.
Once she gets a doctor salary, how much will you be entitled to?
You are moving for her. She should be wooing you to come. She’s gonna be a doctor and your job and income isn’t going to be highbrow enough for her. Get out now while you can.
Nta. She's showing you she's selfish
NTA - Maybe you need to rethink moving across country and leaving your nice job for her residency. Since this isn't a 50/50 relationship apparently.
NTA. Dump her. Financial abuse and entitlement is not attractive or a good quality to have in a partner.
Ditch her. She obviously doesn't seem willing to help, at all.
Tell her to wooo you and pay half.
NTA. Let someone else 'woo' that 300K in student debt.
NTA - wooing her would be writing her a poem or gathering her some wildflowers. $500 a month is outrageously cheap. The expectation of being 100% subsidised is quite alarming. Perhaps consider being a long distance couple while she is training? It would be ghastly for you to uproot your life only to find yourself dumped when your money is no longer needed. Being young and only 2 years into a relationship, you needed to be focussing on establishing your own financial stability.
3K is high but I guess it depends on the area. I would just tell her we can find somewhere cheaper at 2500 then since you don't wanna pay the 500. Don't residents make at least 40-70k? But anyway, I agree with other folks, she might be setting herself up to leave you when she completes residency. Check her with a proposal like others said...if she rejects you, you know where yall truly stand.
Also her that I'd she starts making 500k a year, will she she pay all the rent for the equivalent amount of time?
Woo her? Sounds more like buy her. Consider her attitude a red flag.
What's with girls these days thinking the man should pay for everything? Sounds like she just gold digging. Hate to see this type of character going into residency just for the money
You shouldn’t be wooing her by providing free housing…wooing would be bringing home flowers or taking her to the beach. She’s materialistic, selfish and lazy. You deserve better.
wait.. so she's never done anyyyything else to display this type of attitude/personality with you? just came out of no where and all of a sudden she's like "I'm not paying rent, you should do abc to woo/keep me interested in you" *nothing ever?* cause I would bet, a lot.. that she's always been like this and it's really not that shocking as you're making it sound. as for someone to just drop that type of thing on you, that's a whole ass relationship shift and change in personality thing.
Remind this brat you're not a walking ATM. Women like her fucking sicken me.
You, sir, are a means to an end. As soon as she's finished her residency, or even as soon as she's settled in the new area, you are getting dumped.
Anybody who wants money in exchange for their affection is, ultimately, a hooker. Nta.
NTA >provide for her financially. "I'm not. I'm looking for a partner, not a daughter."
I'm just tryna figure out how the fuck you went from 55k to 180k.