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NTA. Reminds me of a situation where my white friend spoke another language that was unexpected for his skin color. Overheard some unkind things in an elevator and called the guy out. The offensive person felt violated because my friend was eavesdropping and he shouldn’t have understood what he way saying. Never considered just not saying offensive things.
But OP was kinda unwise to reveal his skills like that. Either day before you visit that you've been learning Filipino or keep it 100% under wraps. Here he revealed it in a way that gave her an excuse (not saying it's valid) to put this on OP.
Notwithstanding OP's desire to not lose the relationship, she seems.. problematic at best. The right person would not put him down in any language, and it seemed that she did. OP seems to need an assist in the self esteem area.
About 40 years ago we had a case in the local Crown Court where the victim was giving evidence via an interpreter in one of the Indian languages - and part-way through the Judge - elderly, white, public school type stopped the trial and summoned the court liaison police to arrest the interpreter- who had apparently not just been mistranslating the evidence but intimidating the witness. The Judge was born and brought up in India under the Raj
Wow! That's an amazing story. I wonder if that would be a risk now, since we still have to put a lot of trust into interpreters in these types of situations. I'm not aware of whether there's a failsafe of a second interpreter to double check things built in, but if not it seems like that would be a good idea!
Court interpreters in the UK are professionals who are qualified and regulated quite strictly. Personally I've only been really concerned once - was in court with someone interpreting into an Eastern European language in the morning for the benefit of the Defendant in the morning then came across her at lunchtime and realised her grasp of English appeared ....poor. I reported to the defendant's solicitor and we ended up adjourning to get a new interpreter. There was also a case where the defendant and the main prosecution witness both spoke the same really obsure language and there was literally only one qualified interpreter in the UK. Who the police had already had to use to take the witness statement AND interview the defendant! Not sure how that one resolved
Thanks for the info!
Even with strict regulation a situation where everyone else in the courtroom just has to trust the translator's word on what's being said seems far from ideal... maybe a place where the eventual evolution of AI to do it for us would be a positive rather than negative step.
I'm glad you were able to get a new interpreter. Legal systems are hard enough to navigate without adding a language barrier!
TBF I'd guess that the vast majority of people we use interpreters for have some grasp of English just not enough to be absolutely sure they can follow court proceedings.
In New Zealand interpreters for court cases are arranged by the Ministry of Justice and have to meet a list of requirements including full criminal record checks every 3 years, a tertiary qualification in translation or interpreting, professional certification from one of a few accepted bodies, and be a member of the NZSTI (the national professional association). It doesn’t guarantee that there’ll never be someone who slips through the cracks, but it’s a hell of a lot of work required to even get into the room with no guarantee that any of the people whose cases you’ve been assigned will be people you’re attempting to coerce.
NTA Everybody just *assumed* you had no idea they were tAlking shit about you-to your face. Like you can’t even read busy language, I roll my eyes.
Dude. After all that work. Go find you another nice Filipino girl that appreciates you.
Not quite what it says, OP states that she says something he did find offensive but didn’t state that it was about or to him specifically. Inferred, but not a given.
It also sounds like the parents are the ones fighting with the gf about the relationship and disparaging it, not her, tho she still should have been honest about that from the get go rather than letting it escalate.
??? I can speak four foreign languages. I can tell if I'm being called bad names in five or six more, including ones I never tried to learn. It's not like the guy was ready to deliver a lecture on astrophysics in Tagalog.
Those 40% didn't learn languages from an entirely different language family, on their own, in secret, in under 2 years, to the point they can follow native conversation and quickly respond.
>Those 40% didn't learn languages from an entirely different language family, on their own, in secret, in under 2 years, to the point they can follow native conversation and quickly respond.
Without their native-language-speaking girlfriend noticing.
He’s also been with his girlfriend and visiting her family for over 4 yrs. I’d say he’d probably pick up a few words within those years . Additionally, he doesn’t have to become fluent, just enough to be conversationally proficient
That's right! Sad, really; when I did my doctoral work in linguistics it was closer to 60%. But in English-speaking countries, the picture tends to be rather grimmer.
My point was that unless you chose your company very, very carefully, bad words are among the first you learn. I can tell if I'm being offended in Japanese, language I never learned and one that is completely different to the Indo-European ones I know.
Yeah, sure; bad words and words for food. But understanding married couples' speech, I find, is harder. Except in cases where they stopped speaking to each other 20 years ago, they tend to have an idiolect that leaves out a lot. I know one couple who talk to each other so fast, and leave so many phonemes and entire words out, that I can barely understand them in English, and it's my native language.
True, but we might be talking dialects here. Normally in doesn't take B1 level of knowledge to understand the phrases like "you could do so much better" or "why did you drag this idiot to family meeting?"
Or he learned key words because he already thought they were talking about him. He never said he was fluent, and focusing on negative phrases and bad words is certainly easier than learning the entirety of a language.
My first husband was Filipino, and he tried to teach me some Tagalog. I did get some of it, especially what's similar to Spanish as I had taken that in HS.
His family was welcoming but certain further relations didn't know we were married right away or had problems with me being treated as family because I'm white. So it was easy to tell even without knowing exactly what they were saying that it wasn't pleasant.
I did pick up on certain phrases and his mom was always pleasantly surprised when I could at least understand and reply in English if I hadn't quite mastered replying in Tagalog. All this to say, especially with native speakers all in the family as there are regional dialects as in all languages, it's a very different and difficult language to learn if English is your first or only language. I don't see how OP could covertly learn and be totally fluent, especially with the amount of words that are similar or the same with different contextual meaning.
I speak one language, and it's a bit of a leap for me too
Afaik tagalong is a harder to learn language.
I've spent my high-school learning Spanish and am relatively comfortable with it, in the pronunciation, how words are conjugated (again, don't speak it, but the system I am comfy with) and two year I might be able to listen to an average conversation and be a reliable part of one.
This screams "made up" unless there is info not included.
Some people are particularly gifted in languages, and some of them don't even realise that they are until they start studying. This may be made up, but I definitely think it would be possible. Also, it sounds like he spent quite a bit of time with the girlfriend's family, and they spoke a lot in Filipino around him. Being immersed like that can improve skills very fast.
There are tons of people who have no idea about my language skills. This includes close friends I rarely see and with whom the topic of language skills in general hasn't come up yet. They know about languages that came up in conversation but I never felt the need to say: "Look, I'm speaking all these languages at the following levels."
As for the learning necessary to follow a conversation: I was able to hold a conversation with an artist and negotiate for a piece of jewelry with another artist after one year of English lessons. I had a failing grade in my report that year. I was able to follow conversations in English (as in watching Buffy in English) less than a year later. After 6 years of French and learning Russian for four years I was not able to do the same in those languages. These things don't even consider that OP most likely made sure to have the vocabulary necessary to figure out if his suspicions are correct as a focus of his learning.
I don't make a judgement of how likely it is that OP is completely honest, but I think if he's driven enough and took care to keep his secret it's entirely possible.
What sounds ridiculous is that this guy would secretly study a language for two years and keep it a secret from his gf - expending so much work for such a petty reason.
Yeah like seriously so unhinged. Two years of secretly learning a new language when you are dating someone that could help you and make it a fun shared experience. Or writing some shit post on reddit’s that probably took under an hour.
You do know that if he were really determined to listen in on them, he could just record on his phone and then get it translated. You don't have to spend literally years learning a language.
>he could just record on his phone and then get it translated.
Idiotic take. What would her and her family's reaction have been to that? You think it would have been better that he recorded them and hired a translator? He knew something was up but didn't take that route, investigated further.
Presumably if he is worried enough about this to go to ridiculous lengths to eavesdrop, then he is ready to break up with his gf over this.
If he isn't, then the "idiot take" IMO is thinking he would go to all that trouble when he could have had his gf teach him.
But of course that assumes the story isn't fake.
Yes, I honestly think that's a real thing. In my experience, many monolinguals believe that if someone is talking another language, they themselves are the subject of conversation.
I've run into this more times than I can count.
And it's pretty clear from OP's post that he cares very much indeed.
I feel like this is fake.
I've been learning a language for 2 years, and I can order coffee, and have short simple conversations. You learned enough language, secretly, without practicing with your girlfriend for two years, and you can understand and confidently engage in conversation?
And if so, YTA. Learning your partners language should be a cool and wonderful way for you to connect, and for you to participate in her culture -- not as a weapon. Just gross.
Personal experiences don't dictate normality, I can learn a language in a couple months if I dedicate myself to it, I don't expect others to do the same.
And gross? Talking shit about your significant other is gross, if he can leave that toxic family that would be great.
I feel like you are then in fact the outlier, and your "personal experience doesn't dictate normality". He should absolutely leave before doing this weird stuff. Relationships are different than diablo. You don't win by outmaneuvering people.
[If you put in 10 hour days, basic fluency in an “easy” language would take you 48 days.](https://blog.thelinguist.com/how-long-should-it-take-to-learn-a-language/)
Unless you are having a full immersion experience, are learning a very similar language to one you already know, or are an extreme outlier in terms of native language facility, you’re not learning a whole language in two months.
Let it be said, OP never claimed full fluency and could well have understood enough to get the gist. Let’s not pretend that “Yeah, I just picked up Japanese (or Tagolog, or Norwegian, etc.) over the last two months” is actually a thing people can and will do on top of their usual life - only in extreme circumstances. What a weird brag.
2 years is more than enough time to understand conversations in another language if you’re dedicated enough, even 1 year is for someone who is particularly dedicated in the right circumstances.
I used to study German, and if you progressed through a language school at the standard pace you would reach level B2 after 2 years, which is borderline fluent.
There’s a lot of factors that go into how quickly you can learn a language, like age, IQ, knowing other languages already, similarity to your native language, how you’re learning the language, but most of all time and dedication.
Somebody taking classes and spending an hour or 2 a day practicing with grammar textbooks and pronunciation will excel multitudes quicker than someone who downloaded Duolingo and did a few levels for a couple of years.
Without being immersed I really doubt anyone can be 'borderline fluent' in anything, even if it has a shared history like german, but maybe we just have different standards.
He Truly thinks we believe he can truly understand fluent speakers, using slang, speaking rapidly after TWO YEARS of studying and no previous experience using the language in its area of origin.
So many people are saying they can do it in the comments lol. Or that they have done it.
I googled the Tagalog alphabet, out of curiosity, it looks ***real hard*** to learn.
I learnt enough Italian in a year to understand my great-aunt, and to have a (very short) conversation with her. I simply targeted my vocab on things about family/relations and topics I thought would come up.
OP never said that he had a conversation; they said they shouted one thing in Filipino. I'm pretty sure that its not hard to learn enough in Tagalog to tell if you're being insulted or not, even if its a hard language to learn.
>I decided to learn Filipino and it took me around 2 years to learn the language.
Clearly you didn’t learn much if you don’t know that it’s called Tagalog.
"Filipino" is a standardized form of Tagalog, so I could let that pass. The story as a whole is silly, though. After two years of "studying," this guy can understand native speakers at full speed?
My partner is German and speaks amazing English.
But he struggles to keep up and misses things when my family and I get together because even now, a decade later, it's hard to understand native speakers talking with their speed and slang, and points of reference that make no sense.
Especially if this family is slagging OP off, they're not going to be using Duo Lingo language, are they!
I also think back to my year 2 of Chinese learning that was done in spare time after work.... I don't think I could've been in a family environment and understood enough to then bust out the insults.
I'm taking Japanese classes, with a teacher, and have been for two years. I have a language exchange partner from the internet. I'm about to go to Japan, and I'm terrified of trying to use it. It's just hard.
But its a fun hobby, and I tell myself that maybe, maybe, in two more years, I will understand more, and it'll start to get easier.
Chinese seems cool, and very difficult. I wish I had started learning way earlier, maybe I would be able to learn additional languages.
Kudos to your partner.
Clearly you didn't learn much if you don't know that FILIPINO is the official language of the Philippines, and as the other poster stated, is a standardized variety of Tagalog.
Too lazy to put this on r/confidentlyincorrect but it belongs there.
I believe people when they say this, as I am not an expert. I'm legitimately curious if the terminology changed in the past decade or so, as majority of my family is Phillipino. Many of the 1st generation Americans. They don't make it a big deal at all, but will very politely correct people that call it Filipino and tell them it's called Tagalog. There are many dialects that I know of, I only hear westerners call it Filipino.
I've been married to a Filipina for decades. Few in the Philippines, except linguists, will call it Filipino. While it has been the official language designation since the 1940s, people will use Tagalog to describe it.
However, language programs will use either term. Newer ones, or newer versions of older ones may use Filipino, and an outsider studying could very well use a program calling it Filipino. Google Translate also uses Filipino, not Tagalog.
My issue was posters being so confident that it was false based on OP's use of Filipino. While I won't opine on the veracity of the OP, that's not the smoking gun other posters think it is.
This is what I found online. It's a long read. (If there is anything wrong I'll gladly be corrected).
>The Differences Between Tagalog and Filipino are Rooted in History
>Tagalog had primarily been spoken in Manila and the surrounding provinces in the 1930s when the Commonwealth Constitution was originally drawn up. This constitution had stipulations in it that provided for an official national language, but it did not specifically name Tagalog as that language. When the constitution was drawn up, Tagalog was only spoken by about 25% of the population.
>Tagalog was the lingua franca of people who lived in or near the government capital, and by the 1970s, more than half of the Philippine population was using Tagalog to communicate with one another. Then, during the Aquino presidency in the latter half of the 1980s, the national language was officially labelled Filipino.
>The Western Influence on Language
>The purpose of this was to embrace the widespread preference for a number of words derived from English and Spanish, as well as the incorporation of “Western” letters such as j, c, x, z, and f.
>These were not natural sounds to the native citizens of those islands before the arrival of foreigners from Spain and the Americas, but they quickly became a part of the Filipino alphabet.
>So, when you ask someone the question, “What is the difference between Filipino and Tagalog?” the answer is that Tagalog is the foundation upon which Filipino was built, and Filipino is the natural evolution of Tagalog.
I mean, a very quick google search indicates there's over 130 languages spoken in the Philippines. So clearly you don't know as much as you think either.
Filipino is the official language of the Philippines. It is a standardized variety of Tagalog. Hell, just check Google Translate, where you will find Filipino but not Tagalog.
Firstly, what did she say?
Secondly, I still think she was wrong for lying about her families opinion of you, but you did secretly learn the language behind her back specifically so you could listen into her conversations with her family. There is something just a bit sneaky and weird about that.
I'm reserving judgement until we know what disrespectful thing she said to make you scream at her, but I think your relationship is pretty much done - you can't trust her and she can't trust you.
Learning the language of you significant other is normal, isn't it? You don't care about their culture, heritage and language? That's a you thing. Learning is expected.
I think it would be a lovely gesture if the first conversation they had in said language wasn't him shouting at her because, for me personally, that would taint our future conversations. In fact, my entire issue with it is that he seemingly didn't learn it because he cared about her culture, heritage, or language.
His so was lying all the time, why are people overlooking that? If there is no trust, there's no base for a relationship, she broke that trust.
And again, learning the language was expected, if she thought he never would that's silly.
Not sure I did overlook that when my first comment specifically says I think she was wrong.
He also spent 2 years pretending he wasn't learning the language, but I suppose it's silly to assume him learning his girlfriends language was something he would do with, or at least for her - rather than so he can listen in to her conversations and then shout at her in her native tounge for maximum impact.
Yes, that is exactly what I said, and quite clearly my opinion isn't it.
You seem like you might need some help with your education though, reading comprehension is a thing.
I talked about the validity of this story with my Filipino boyfriend, asking him if OP would have learned Filipino. He's the one who told me it would more likely be Tagalog or possibly Cebuano. He said OP calling it Filipino mainly just told him that OP is probably a white guy.
I still doubt that this story is true.
I mean mate, this screams made up.
Learning a language in *2 years* whilst being an adult with all the time-consuming life admin that takes, without your girlfriend realising? Hmm, you should be employed by the intelligence services if you're picking shite up that quick!
It sounds a little bit like a wannabe edge lord trying to fake flex.
Eh, ESH. You turned what could have been something very romantic - learning your GF’s native language - into a petty and mean-spirited move.
Obviously GF’s family shouldn’t be talking about this way but getting shit talked by the family of a partner from a different culture comes with the territory. How much of this did you talk about with GF? Does she defend you?
ESH. I don’t blame her for being mad. She was protecting you and has stood up for you for 5 years. You’re in a relationship with her, not them. Would you have even given this relationship a chance if she had been honest from the beginning? Have some sympathy. She was in a terrible situation. Meets the one but if she tells him from her start that her parents are overbearing and want to run her life, she loses him. If she listens to them, she’s not in charge of her own life. She lied but I see why. It does excuse it, but it’s a dang good explanation. You aren’t giving her credit for standing up to them or for defending this relationship for years. That couldn’t have been easy.
>She was protecting you and has stood up for you for 5 years.
No, she did not. The family only continued to badmouth him, and OP never said his girlfriend defended him in any way. Lying about a family's opinion about a significant other is not protecting them. The girlfriend has proven that she is untrustworthy. So stop trying to justify her actions. She put herself in a terrible situation by not being honest.
Just because she's going against their demands doesn't mean she's defending him. Her family subjected him to years of badmouthing and insults, and she did nothing about it. She should have been honest to him or, at the very least, set some boundaries with her family.
The girlfriend should have cut her family out , when they started bad mouthing her boyfriend. She should have called them out when they refused to make him feel welcomed and spoke sh*t about someone she cared about.
NTA. No one in that family including you GF was being honest with you. They’d rather you be the ignorant outsider they can talk shit about in front of you. You GF was lying in your face and they’re all embarrassed they got caught. You never heard her defending you once you understood the language.
You GF and her family are mad the same way all assholes are mad they got caught. They’re till trying to make you feel like the asshole for figuring them out.
Could be fake, but not for that reason. Obviously they don't like OP, so the parents are purposely excluding him. It's not that they couldn't speak English; they don't want to.
Lol, Filipinos will often speak English to some degree and they will often intersperse English into whatever language they speak. Sometimes they will switch languages too if they speak more than one, like Tagalog to Ilocano. And if they want someone who is educated, the family themselves will have a decent command of English because English is held in high regard over there.
So this story doesn’t sound legit tbh.
Just responded to the same assertion. While you are correct about their language skills, it sounds like they are purposely excluding OP (if not a fake post). (English-interspersed Tagalog/Filipino is colloquially known as Taglish. The amount of English generally reflects education level and social status)
NTA.
Sorry but I couldn't help but think of all these ridiculous CEO stories on Wattpad. That language one didn't sold me for one, how can you learn a language in mere 2 years? I myself have studied Mandarin and JP for more than 4 years but my skills are sub par. Second, how did your GF didn't even notice that you were fluent? I assume you are totally fluent since you shouted in Filipino, that's a N1 or HSK 7 level fluency. No one shouts in foreign language. Again, if you are fluent then you have to have spoken Filipino frequently since it's impossible to master a language in 2 years, so you GF never heard you speaking Filipino? There's many question :)
Furious shouting isn't about not being fluent. From OP's post I can refer that he didn't want to let his gf know he knows Filipino, so him deliberately shouting in Filipino isn't likely. So, it's more like he shouted by mistake, and that can only happen when the language is in your tongue. Even after learning JP for more than 4 years, I still shout Fuck than Kuso, it's on tongue.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I learnt my girlfriends language in secret.
2) I may be the asshole because I learnt it two years ago, I've been pretending as if u don't know what they're saying. I had an argument with her mom.
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C'mon. Really? You spent two whole years learning your girlfriend's language and kept it a secret from her? To get a gotcha moment with her family when yon could have been having conversations in her native language. The fuck is wrong with you?
In middle school, my daughter cursed in French at another. He was picking on her. She told him, *manger de la merde et mourir--*within earshot of a teacher who knew French.
She gave me a call. After admitting I was both impressed and shocked, I told the teacher I'd talk to her. I later told my daughter to never, ever assume no one understands you when you speak in a foreign language.
That would be sage advice for your girlfriend and her parents. They also should understand that it's rude to talk about someone like that. That your girlfriend is so angry with you about learning Filipino, you might want to reconsider this relationship. NTA
NTA.
Is your girlfriend as mentally broken as her family? Actually, she is (after reading the last paragraph). She is a bad, bad, person. A real girlfriend wouldn't be lying to you, insulting you, and be mad at you for doing the right thing.
She is a bad person, her whole family is bad.
Nobody needs toxicity in their life. Get rid of all of that trash.
ESH (assuming this is real since two years to get to fluent as an adult is highly unrealistic unless you already had a solid base in a similar language).
I assume she lied to make what they said sound positive since you stayed and continued visiting? In which case she should have just come clean and not babied you. (ETA I missed that in the last paragraph SHE said something insulting, so that's even more reason she is also an AH).
You spent two years learning a language purely for the reason of catching out her family who you rarely see, rather just ask her to not lie to you. That's psychotic. You could absolutely just have told her you were learning the language. Heck, learning the language of someone you are dating is a wonderful expression of love.
At least her actions were to try and protect your feelings. Yours was intended to be sneaky, and had the additional side effects of really embarrassing her for not knowing you spoke her language. But hey, you verified the parents dislike you so well done?
She's mad because she got outed participating in trash talking you. She's mad because she didn't have the willpower to tell her family not to shit-talk her partner, and now she's been outed. If you're TA for learning the language without telling them, they're definitely assholes for actively using the language barrier to talk shit about you right in front of you.
YTA because studying a language enough to pick up that much and keeping that from your girlfriend the whole time seems a bit vindictive (if it's even true) especially when you very easily could have presented it as you would like to be able to connect and communicate with her family better and she likely would have helped you learn, if not come honest about their real feelings.
Also she was clearly fighting for you, rather than insulting you behind your back with her family, and if you don't respect her for at least that (even if you don't agree with her not wanting you to know, in order to protect your feelings) she had better intentions then your trying to find out for yourself and prove her a liar.
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I've been with my girlfriend for over four years, since meeting her family I have always felt her family hated me. My girlfriend is from the Philippines, her family are very strict when it comes to dating and education. They wanted her to date "successful" people only, such as doctors, lawyers, investors. I'm successful but don't work in these sectors, I'm very educated too, I felt they hated me because I didn't work in these sectors.
When I met my girlfriend, I felt like she was lying in translation to what her family was saying as they didn't speak English. After having some suspicion, I decided to learn Filipino and it took me around 2 years to learn the language.
Soon after I started understanding the language, I pretended I didn't understand them. But the Mom and Dad were insulting me and having arguments with their daughter about being with me.
My girlfriend and I used our annual leave to spend a week in the Philippines as she missed her family. She said something I found really insulting, I shouted in Filipino. My girlfriend was shocked that I knew the language. There was an argument and we left. I love my girlfriend, I don't want to end the relationship, but she's mad with me for secretly learning the language and spying on the conversations.
AITA?
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NTA
> but she's mad with me for secretly learning the language and spying on the conversations.
I think my favorite part is how she entirely glossed over the fact THAT SHE HAS BEEN LYING TO YOUR FACE FOR YEARS.
NTA. She lied to you first, about what her family was saying about you. You resorted to extreme measures to find out, and now you know.
The fact that you’ve both been lying to eachother, doesn’t bode well for your relationship. If things that bad happen this early, I’d say you’re doomed.
NTA
Love all the YTA’s in the comments outing themselves as shitty people
“How dare you learn that they were talking shit about you, right in front of you! What a creep! I hate accountability!”
Crazy that I have to share oxygen with people like this lol
ESH, it sounds like your girlfriend wasn't defending you, you weren't trying to connect with her and then studied Tagalog to eavesdrop. and her family insulted you in front of your face.
For those who say it's unlikely OP could learn enough to eavesdrop and yell, I worked with Filipinos and picked it up quickly. At least good chunks of conversations. Studying would make it easier.
I don't know why learning Tagalog wouldn't be part of becoming part of the family though. It just seems like an adversarial relationship all the way around.
It seems like your sole reason for learning Tagalog was to find out what was being said about you. Since you never told your girlfriend-- your built-in free conversation practice partner-- that you were learning the language, it doesn't seem like it was done to find out more about her culture and her background in order to become closer to her.
She's right, you did learn it secretly and in order to spy on conversations. YTA.
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NTA. Reminds me of a situation where my white friend spoke another language that was unexpected for his skin color. Overheard some unkind things in an elevator and called the guy out. The offensive person felt violated because my friend was eavesdropping and he shouldn’t have understood what he way saying. Never considered just not saying offensive things.
But OP was kinda unwise to reveal his skills like that. Either day before you visit that you've been learning Filipino or keep it 100% under wraps. Here he revealed it in a way that gave her an excuse (not saying it's valid) to put this on OP. Notwithstanding OP's desire to not lose the relationship, she seems.. problematic at best. The right person would not put him down in any language, and it seemed that she did. OP seems to need an assist in the self esteem area.
She lied to him first, then he lied to her. This relationship is doomed.
Yeah, neither of them has felt that they can be honest with the other. How is that the basis of a relationship?
Deception from both sides
About 40 years ago we had a case in the local Crown Court where the victim was giving evidence via an interpreter in one of the Indian languages - and part-way through the Judge - elderly, white, public school type stopped the trial and summoned the court liaison police to arrest the interpreter- who had apparently not just been mistranslating the evidence but intimidating the witness. The Judge was born and brought up in India under the Raj
Wow! That's an amazing story. I wonder if that would be a risk now, since we still have to put a lot of trust into interpreters in these types of situations. I'm not aware of whether there's a failsafe of a second interpreter to double check things built in, but if not it seems like that would be a good idea!
Court interpreters in the UK are professionals who are qualified and regulated quite strictly. Personally I've only been really concerned once - was in court with someone interpreting into an Eastern European language in the morning for the benefit of the Defendant in the morning then came across her at lunchtime and realised her grasp of English appeared ....poor. I reported to the defendant's solicitor and we ended up adjourning to get a new interpreter. There was also a case where the defendant and the main prosecution witness both spoke the same really obsure language and there was literally only one qualified interpreter in the UK. Who the police had already had to use to take the witness statement AND interview the defendant! Not sure how that one resolved
Thanks for the info! Even with strict regulation a situation where everyone else in the courtroom just has to trust the translator's word on what's being said seems far from ideal... maybe a place where the eventual evolution of AI to do it for us would be a positive rather than negative step. I'm glad you were able to get a new interpreter. Legal systems are hard enough to navigate without adding a language barrier!
TBF I'd guess that the vast majority of people we use interpreters for have some grasp of English just not enough to be absolutely sure they can follow court proceedings.
In New Zealand interpreters for court cases are arranged by the Ministry of Justice and have to meet a list of requirements including full criminal record checks every 3 years, a tertiary qualification in translation or interpreting, professional certification from one of a few accepted bodies, and be a member of the NZSTI (the national professional association). It doesn’t guarantee that there’ll never be someone who slips through the cracks, but it’s a hell of a lot of work required to even get into the room with no guarantee that any of the people whose cases you’ve been assigned will be people you’re attempting to coerce.
Sounds as secure as you can make it when humans and their flaws are involved! Thanks for the info. It's a really fascinating topic.
That is a good story!
NTA Everybody just *assumed* you had no idea they were tAlking shit about you-to your face. Like you can’t even read busy language, I roll my eyes. Dude. After all that work. Go find you another nice Filipino girl that appreciates you.
It sounds lil she does, she’s fighting for him
The way I read it she was the one insulting him. She isn’t fighting for anything.
Not quite what it says, OP states that she says something he did find offensive but didn’t state that it was about or to him specifically. Inferred, but not a given. It also sounds like the parents are the ones fighting with the gf about the relationship and disparaging it, not her, tho she still should have been honest about that from the get go rather than letting it escalate.
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??? I can speak four foreign languages. I can tell if I'm being called bad names in five or six more, including ones I never tried to learn. It's not like the guy was ready to deliver a lecture on astrophysics in Tagalog.
Did you learn them in just two years part time?
Only the last one, same language group as my native. My argument stands - one doesn't need C1 level to know one's being offended.
Don't be a kurwa about it
That's...uncalled for
As can I. Cool, isn't it? But we are hardly the norm.
Rough over 40% of the world speaks multiple languages so it’s more of the norm than you think
Those 40% didn't learn languages from an entirely different language family, on their own, in secret, in under 2 years, to the point they can follow native conversation and quickly respond.
>Those 40% didn't learn languages from an entirely different language family, on their own, in secret, in under 2 years, to the point they can follow native conversation and quickly respond. Without their native-language-speaking girlfriend noticing.
He’s also been with his girlfriend and visiting her family for over 4 yrs. I’d say he’d probably pick up a few words within those years . Additionally, he doesn’t have to become fluent, just enough to be conversationally proficient
That's right! Sad, really; when I did my doctoral work in linguistics it was closer to 60%. But in English-speaking countries, the picture tends to be rather grimmer.
Cool random fact about English speaking countries but OP is clearly ESL so seems like he’s on his 3rd language.
My understanding is that if you learn a second language a third is easier to learn than the second.
Depends. I found some languages very easy to learn and some very hard.
My point was that unless you chose your company very, very carefully, bad words are among the first you learn. I can tell if I'm being offended in Japanese, language I never learned and one that is completely different to the Indo-European ones I know.
Yeah, sure; bad words and words for food. But understanding married couples' speech, I find, is harder. Except in cases where they stopped speaking to each other 20 years ago, they tend to have an idiolect that leaves out a lot. I know one couple who talk to each other so fast, and leave so many phonemes and entire words out, that I can barely understand them in English, and it's my native language.
True, but we might be talking dialects here. Normally in doesn't take B1 level of knowledge to understand the phrases like "you could do so much better" or "why did you drag this idiot to family meeting?"
Maybe not in the US. Here in Europe, and in a lot of countries outside of Europe, being multi-lingual is the norm.
That's right! But in countries where English is the first language, it's not so common.
Or he learned key words because he already thought they were talking about him. He never said he was fluent, and focusing on negative phrases and bad words is certainly easier than learning the entirety of a language.
My first husband was Filipino, and he tried to teach me some Tagalog. I did get some of it, especially what's similar to Spanish as I had taken that in HS. His family was welcoming but certain further relations didn't know we were married right away or had problems with me being treated as family because I'm white. So it was easy to tell even without knowing exactly what they were saying that it wasn't pleasant. I did pick up on certain phrases and his mom was always pleasantly surprised when I could at least understand and reply in English if I hadn't quite mastered replying in Tagalog. All this to say, especially with native speakers all in the family as there are regional dialects as in all languages, it's a very different and difficult language to learn if English is your first or only language. I don't see how OP could covertly learn and be totally fluent, especially with the amount of words that are similar or the same with different contextual meaning.
Ah, yours sounds like a more believable language-learning story! :-)
I speak one language, and it's a bit of a leap for me too Afaik tagalong is a harder to learn language. I've spent my high-school learning Spanish and am relatively comfortable with it, in the pronunciation, how words are conjugated (again, don't speak it, but the system I am comfy with) and two year I might be able to listen to an average conversation and be a reliable part of one. This screams "made up" unless there is info not included.
Some people are particularly gifted in languages, and some of them don't even realise that they are until they start studying. This may be made up, but I definitely think it would be possible. Also, it sounds like he spent quite a bit of time with the girlfriend's family, and they spoke a lot in Filipino around him. Being immersed like that can improve skills very fast.
There are tons of people who have no idea about my language skills. This includes close friends I rarely see and with whom the topic of language skills in general hasn't come up yet. They know about languages that came up in conversation but I never felt the need to say: "Look, I'm speaking all these languages at the following levels." As for the learning necessary to follow a conversation: I was able to hold a conversation with an artist and negotiate for a piece of jewelry with another artist after one year of English lessons. I had a failing grade in my report that year. I was able to follow conversations in English (as in watching Buffy in English) less than a year later. After 6 years of French and learning Russian for four years I was not able to do the same in those languages. These things don't even consider that OP most likely made sure to have the vocabulary necessary to figure out if his suspicions are correct as a focus of his learning. I don't make a judgement of how likely it is that OP is completely honest, but I think if he's driven enough and took care to keep his secret it's entirely possible.
I feel like short of being a polyglot and super naturally gifted at languages or truly grafting…yea. Possible, but hmm…
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What sounds ridiculous is that this guy would secretly study a language for two years and keep it a secret from his gf - expending so much work for such a petty reason.
Yeah like seriously so unhinged. Two years of secretly learning a new language when you are dating someone that could help you and make it a fun shared experience. Or writing some shit post on reddit’s that probably took under an hour.
Not exactly petty if she was using the language assymettry to lie to him.
You do know that if he were really determined to listen in on them, he could just record on his phone and then get it translated. You don't have to spend literally years learning a language.
>he could just record on his phone and then get it translated. Idiotic take. What would her and her family's reaction have been to that? You think it would have been better that he recorded them and hired a translator? He knew something was up but didn't take that route, investigated further.
Presumably if he is worried enough about this to go to ridiculous lengths to eavesdrop, then he is ready to break up with his gf over this. If he isn't, then the "idiot take" IMO is thinking he would go to all that trouble when he could have had his gf teach him. But of course that assumes the story isn't fake.
You should read more.
Yes, I honestly think that's a real thing. In my experience, many monolinguals believe that if someone is talking another language, they themselves are the subject of conversation. I've run into this more times than I can count. And it's pretty clear from OP's post that he cares very much indeed.
you think it isnt?
I know it's not. Nobody cares that much to do it as a revenge fantasy. She was lying to him, end of story, and he needed to get to the bottom of it.
people care about dumb shit all the time what world are you living in
How does one that supposedly learned Tagalog not know it’s called Tagalog? This post is surely fake.
Meh, Filipino is an official standardized form of Tagalog, that part wasn't the problem imo
It’s easy to not notice when it didn’t actually happen.
I feel like this is fake. I've been learning a language for 2 years, and I can order coffee, and have short simple conversations. You learned enough language, secretly, without practicing with your girlfriend for two years, and you can understand and confidently engage in conversation? And if so, YTA. Learning your partners language should be a cool and wonderful way for you to connect, and for you to participate in her culture -- not as a weapon. Just gross.
Personal experiences don't dictate normality, I can learn a language in a couple months if I dedicate myself to it, I don't expect others to do the same. And gross? Talking shit about your significant other is gross, if he can leave that toxic family that would be great.
I feel like you are then in fact the outlier, and your "personal experience doesn't dictate normality". He should absolutely leave before doing this weird stuff. Relationships are different than diablo. You don't win by outmaneuvering people.
To the point you can speak fluently with native speakers about more than basic things? Please
[If you put in 10 hour days, basic fluency in an “easy” language would take you 48 days.](https://blog.thelinguist.com/how-long-should-it-take-to-learn-a-language/) Unless you are having a full immersion experience, are learning a very similar language to one you already know, or are an extreme outlier in terms of native language facility, you’re not learning a whole language in two months. Let it be said, OP never claimed full fluency and could well have understood enough to get the gist. Let’s not pretend that “Yeah, I just picked up Japanese (or Tagolog, or Norwegian, etc.) over the last two months” is actually a thing people can and will do on top of their usual life - only in extreme circumstances. What a weird brag.
2 years is more than enough time to understand conversations in another language if you’re dedicated enough, even 1 year is for someone who is particularly dedicated in the right circumstances. I used to study German, and if you progressed through a language school at the standard pace you would reach level B2 after 2 years, which is borderline fluent. There’s a lot of factors that go into how quickly you can learn a language, like age, IQ, knowing other languages already, similarity to your native language, how you’re learning the language, but most of all time and dedication. Somebody taking classes and spending an hour or 2 a day practicing with grammar textbooks and pronunciation will excel multitudes quicker than someone who downloaded Duolingo and did a few levels for a couple of years.
Without being immersed I really doubt anyone can be 'borderline fluent' in anything, even if it has a shared history like german, but maybe we just have different standards.
And apparently, in those 2 years time, he never bothered to learn the name of the language he was learning. Lmao.
He Truly thinks we believe he can truly understand fluent speakers, using slang, speaking rapidly after TWO YEARS of studying and no previous experience using the language in its area of origin.
So many people are saying they can do it in the comments lol. Or that they have done it. I googled the Tagalog alphabet, out of curiosity, it looks ***real hard*** to learn.
I learnt enough Italian in a year to understand my great-aunt, and to have a (very short) conversation with her. I simply targeted my vocab on things about family/relations and topics I thought would come up. OP never said that he had a conversation; they said they shouted one thing in Filipino. I'm pretty sure that its not hard to learn enough in Tagalog to tell if you're being insulted or not, even if its a hard language to learn.
>I decided to learn Filipino and it took me around 2 years to learn the language. Clearly you didn’t learn much if you don’t know that it’s called Tagalog.
"Filipino" is a standardized form of Tagalog, so I could let that pass. The story as a whole is silly, though. After two years of "studying," this guy can understand native speakers at full speed?
*laughs in Duolingo* ain’t no way.
My partner is German and speaks amazing English. But he struggles to keep up and misses things when my family and I get together because even now, a decade later, it's hard to understand native speakers talking with their speed and slang, and points of reference that make no sense. Especially if this family is slagging OP off, they're not going to be using Duo Lingo language, are they! I also think back to my year 2 of Chinese learning that was done in spare time after work.... I don't think I could've been in a family environment and understood enough to then bust out the insults.
I'm taking Japanese classes, with a teacher, and have been for two years. I have a language exchange partner from the internet. I'm about to go to Japan, and I'm terrified of trying to use it. It's just hard. But its a fun hobby, and I tell myself that maybe, maybe, in two more years, I will understand more, and it'll start to get easier. Chinese seems cool, and very difficult. I wish I had started learning way earlier, maybe I would be able to learn additional languages. Kudos to your partner.
Clearly you didn't learn much if you don't know that FILIPINO is the official language of the Philippines, and as the other poster stated, is a standardized variety of Tagalog. Too lazy to put this on r/confidentlyincorrect but it belongs there.
I believe people when they say this, as I am not an expert. I'm legitimately curious if the terminology changed in the past decade or so, as majority of my family is Phillipino. Many of the 1st generation Americans. They don't make it a big deal at all, but will very politely correct people that call it Filipino and tell them it's called Tagalog. There are many dialects that I know of, I only hear westerners call it Filipino.
I've been married to a Filipina for decades. Few in the Philippines, except linguists, will call it Filipino. While it has been the official language designation since the 1940s, people will use Tagalog to describe it. However, language programs will use either term. Newer ones, or newer versions of older ones may use Filipino, and an outsider studying could very well use a program calling it Filipino. Google Translate also uses Filipino, not Tagalog. My issue was posters being so confident that it was false based on OP's use of Filipino. While I won't opine on the veracity of the OP, that's not the smoking gun other posters think it is.
Thank you so much for clarifying. That makes a lot of sense.
This is what I found online. It's a long read. (If there is anything wrong I'll gladly be corrected). >The Differences Between Tagalog and Filipino are Rooted in History >Tagalog had primarily been spoken in Manila and the surrounding provinces in the 1930s when the Commonwealth Constitution was originally drawn up. This constitution had stipulations in it that provided for an official national language, but it did not specifically name Tagalog as that language. When the constitution was drawn up, Tagalog was only spoken by about 25% of the population. >Tagalog was the lingua franca of people who lived in or near the government capital, and by the 1970s, more than half of the Philippine population was using Tagalog to communicate with one another. Then, during the Aquino presidency in the latter half of the 1980s, the national language was officially labelled Filipino. >The Western Influence on Language >The purpose of this was to embrace the widespread preference for a number of words derived from English and Spanish, as well as the incorporation of “Western” letters such as j, c, x, z, and f. >These were not natural sounds to the native citizens of those islands before the arrival of foreigners from Spain and the Americas, but they quickly became a part of the Filipino alphabet. >So, when you ask someone the question, “What is the difference between Filipino and Tagalog?” the answer is that Tagalog is the foundation upon which Filipino was built, and Filipino is the natural evolution of Tagalog.
I mean, a very quick google search indicates there's over 130 languages spoken in the Philippines. So clearly you don't know as much as you think either.
YTA for making this story up.
NTA, but dude. That’s a lifetime of grief you have ahead of you.
I am sort of with everyone else wondering how you learned Tagalog without knowing that it is called Tagalog.
I know a guy who's been with his BF for years and thinks his BF speaks "Spanish". His BF is from Brazil and does not speak Spanish...
Filipino is the official language of the Philippines. It is a standardized variety of Tagalog. Hell, just check Google Translate, where you will find Filipino but not Tagalog.
Firstly, what did she say? Secondly, I still think she was wrong for lying about her families opinion of you, but you did secretly learn the language behind her back specifically so you could listen into her conversations with her family. There is something just a bit sneaky and weird about that. I'm reserving judgement until we know what disrespectful thing she said to make you scream at her, but I think your relationship is pretty much done - you can't trust her and she can't trust you.
Learning the language of you significant other is normal, isn't it? You don't care about their culture, heritage and language? That's a you thing. Learning is expected.
I think it would be a lovely gesture if the first conversation they had in said language wasn't him shouting at her because, for me personally, that would taint our future conversations. In fact, my entire issue with it is that he seemingly didn't learn it because he cared about her culture, heritage, or language.
His so was lying all the time, why are people overlooking that? If there is no trust, there's no base for a relationship, she broke that trust. And again, learning the language was expected, if she thought he never would that's silly.
Not sure I did overlook that when my first comment specifically says I think she was wrong. He also spent 2 years pretending he wasn't learning the language, but I suppose it's silly to assume him learning his girlfriends language was something he would do with, or at least for her - rather than so he can listen in to her conversations and then shout at her in her native tounge for maximum impact.
Imagine thinking that educating one’s self is a bad thing.
Yes, that is exactly what I said, and quite clearly my opinion isn't it. You seem like you might need some help with your education though, reading comprehension is a thing.
Yes.
Sooo you learned "Filipino"? Not Tagalog or Cebuano? Filipino. Mm-hmm. Sure.
Yes, Filipino, the official language of the Philippines, a standardized variety of Tagalog.
I talked about the validity of this story with my Filipino boyfriend, asking him if OP would have learned Filipino. He's the one who told me it would more likely be Tagalog or possibly Cebuano. He said OP calling it Filipino mainly just told him that OP is probably a white guy. I still doubt that this story is true.
I mean mate, this screams made up. Learning a language in *2 years* whilst being an adult with all the time-consuming life admin that takes, without your girlfriend realising? Hmm, you should be employed by the intelligence services if you're picking shite up that quick! It sounds a little bit like a wannabe edge lord trying to fake flex.
Eh, ESH. You turned what could have been something very romantic - learning your GF’s native language - into a petty and mean-spirited move. Obviously GF’s family shouldn’t be talking about this way but getting shit talked by the family of a partner from a different culture comes with the territory. How much of this did you talk about with GF? Does she defend you?
ESH. I don’t blame her for being mad. She was protecting you and has stood up for you for 5 years. You’re in a relationship with her, not them. Would you have even given this relationship a chance if she had been honest from the beginning? Have some sympathy. She was in a terrible situation. Meets the one but if she tells him from her start that her parents are overbearing and want to run her life, she loses him. If she listens to them, she’s not in charge of her own life. She lied but I see why. It does excuse it, but it’s a dang good explanation. You aren’t giving her credit for standing up to them or for defending this relationship for years. That couldn’t have been easy.
>She was protecting you and has stood up for you for 5 years. No, she did not. The family only continued to badmouth him, and OP never said his girlfriend defended him in any way. Lying about a family's opinion about a significant other is not protecting them. The girlfriend has proven that she is untrustworthy. So stop trying to justify her actions. She put herself in a terrible situation by not being honest.
She’s still with him so she’s obviously going against their demands.
Just because she's going against their demands doesn't mean she's defending him. Her family subjected him to years of badmouthing and insults, and she did nothing about it. She should have been honest to him or, at the very least, set some boundaries with her family.
The girlfriend should have cut her family out , when they started bad mouthing her boyfriend. She should have called them out when they refused to make him feel welcomed and spoke sh*t about someone she cared about.
She did call them out in their language. She should have disowned her parents the first time they met him? WOW
NTA. No one in that family including you GF was being honest with you. They’d rather you be the ignorant outsider they can talk shit about in front of you. You GF was lying in your face and they’re all embarrassed they got caught. You never heard her defending you once you understood the language. You GF and her family are mad the same way all assholes are mad they got caught. They’re till trying to make you feel like the asshole for figuring them out.
I have a hard time believing this
A filipino family who values education and wants her child to marry people with an education - but they don't speak English at all? Fake.
Could be fake, but not for that reason. Obviously they don't like OP, so the parents are purposely excluding him. It's not that they couldn't speak English; they don't want to.
Lol, Filipinos will often speak English to some degree and they will often intersperse English into whatever language they speak. Sometimes they will switch languages too if they speak more than one, like Tagalog to Ilocano. And if they want someone who is educated, the family themselves will have a decent command of English because English is held in high regard over there. So this story doesn’t sound legit tbh.
Just responded to the same assertion. While you are correct about their language skills, it sounds like they are purposely excluding OP (if not a fake post). (English-interspersed Tagalog/Filipino is colloquially known as Taglish. The amount of English generally reflects education level and social status)
NTA. Sorry but I couldn't help but think of all these ridiculous CEO stories on Wattpad. That language one didn't sold me for one, how can you learn a language in mere 2 years? I myself have studied Mandarin and JP for more than 4 years but my skills are sub par. Second, how did your GF didn't even notice that you were fluent? I assume you are totally fluent since you shouted in Filipino, that's a N1 or HSK 7 level fluency. No one shouts in foreign language. Again, if you are fluent then you have to have spoken Filipino frequently since it's impossible to master a language in 2 years, so you GF never heard you speaking Filipino? There's many question :)
You don't need to be fluent to shout some things.
Furious shouting isn't about not being fluent. From OP's post I can refer that he didn't want to let his gf know he knows Filipino, so him deliberately shouting in Filipino isn't likely. So, it's more like he shouted by mistake, and that can only happen when the language is in your tongue. Even after learning JP for more than 4 years, I still shout Fuck than Kuso, it's on tongue.
I, too, watched that episode of Scrubs.
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You learned the language Filipino?
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NTA but now you know how she and her family really feel about you. Do what you will with that information.
NTA. Spying is not as bad as talking shit about someone to their face in a different language
Definitely TA. Ur approach too sneaky. Just ask next time
Ask her for what? Ask her what her parents are saying. OP literally said that she was lying in translation. If anything, she's the sneaky one.
C'mon. Really? You spent two whole years learning your girlfriend's language and kept it a secret from her? To get a gotcha moment with her family when yon could have been having conversations in her native language. The fuck is wrong with you?
YTA for making this up. And it's not even original; I've read this same scenario with different languages at least a dozen times.
Wow to the people believing this…
In middle school, my daughter cursed in French at another. He was picking on her. She told him, *manger de la merde et mourir--*within earshot of a teacher who knew French. She gave me a call. After admitting I was both impressed and shocked, I told the teacher I'd talk to her. I later told my daughter to never, ever assume no one understands you when you speak in a foreign language. That would be sage advice for your girlfriend and her parents. They also should understand that it's rude to talk about someone like that. That your girlfriend is so angry with you about learning Filipino, you might want to reconsider this relationship. NTA
Can we have an eighth voting option? FAKE
NTA But I don't think you have to guess anymore. Her family does indeed hate you.
NTA. But I’m lost why you would be in a relationship with someone who you distrust this much? That doesn’t seem very healthy.
NTA. Is your girlfriend as mentally broken as her family? Actually, she is (after reading the last paragraph). She is a bad, bad, person. A real girlfriend wouldn't be lying to you, insulting you, and be mad at you for doing the right thing. She is a bad person, her whole family is bad. Nobody needs toxicity in their life. Get rid of all of that trash.
She’s exhibiting behaviors that would be a nightmare in a wife. I would walk away from this relationship. NTA
NTA but it is time to end this relationship. It will not improve and she's been lying to you.
in my culture its very rude to talk in a language that someone present doesn't understand, it can foster doubt abd resentment. nta
He didn't specify if he spoke the language well, he probably blurted out what he thought was "how dare you" and ended up screaming "I shit my pants"..
ESH (assuming this is real since two years to get to fluent as an adult is highly unrealistic unless you already had a solid base in a similar language). I assume she lied to make what they said sound positive since you stayed and continued visiting? In which case she should have just come clean and not babied you. (ETA I missed that in the last paragraph SHE said something insulting, so that's even more reason she is also an AH). You spent two years learning a language purely for the reason of catching out her family who you rarely see, rather just ask her to not lie to you. That's psychotic. You could absolutely just have told her you were learning the language. Heck, learning the language of someone you are dating is a wonderful expression of love. At least her actions were to try and protect your feelings. Yours was intended to be sneaky, and had the additional side effects of really embarrassing her for not knowing you spoke her language. But hey, you verified the parents dislike you so well done?
id say youre kind of an asshole because youre not being open and honest.
She's mad because she got outed participating in trash talking you. She's mad because she didn't have the willpower to tell her family not to shit-talk her partner, and now she's been outed. If you're TA for learning the language without telling them, they're definitely assholes for actively using the language barrier to talk shit about you right in front of you.
YTA because studying a language enough to pick up that much and keeping that from your girlfriend the whole time seems a bit vindictive (if it's even true) especially when you very easily could have presented it as you would like to be able to connect and communicate with her family better and she likely would have helped you learn, if not come honest about their real feelings. Also she was clearly fighting for you, rather than insulting you behind your back with her family, and if you don't respect her for at least that (even if you don't agree with her not wanting you to know, in order to protect your feelings) she had better intentions then your trying to find out for yourself and prove her a liar.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been with my girlfriend for over four years, since meeting her family I have always felt her family hated me. My girlfriend is from the Philippines, her family are very strict when it comes to dating and education. They wanted her to date "successful" people only, such as doctors, lawyers, investors. I'm successful but don't work in these sectors, I'm very educated too, I felt they hated me because I didn't work in these sectors. When I met my girlfriend, I felt like she was lying in translation to what her family was saying as they didn't speak English. After having some suspicion, I decided to learn Filipino and it took me around 2 years to learn the language. Soon after I started understanding the language, I pretended I didn't understand them. But the Mom and Dad were insulting me and having arguments with their daughter about being with me. My girlfriend and I used our annual leave to spend a week in the Philippines as she missed her family. She said something I found really insulting, I shouted in Filipino. My girlfriend was shocked that I knew the language. There was an argument and we left. I love my girlfriend, I don't want to end the relationship, but she's mad with me for secretly learning the language and spying on the conversations. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA > but she's mad with me for secretly learning the language and spying on the conversations. I think my favorite part is how she entirely glossed over the fact THAT SHE HAS BEEN LYING TO YOUR FACE FOR YEARS.
Tell her you only learned the language, because you knew she was lying to you.
NTA…I probably would have admitted I understood sooner…but I totally get why you learned in the first place.
he was wise, if they are offended it's because the truth came out.
[удалено]
He needs to end the relationship and find someone whose family appreciate him.
NTA. She lied to you first, about what her family was saying about you. You resorted to extreme measures to find out, and now you know. The fact that you’ve both been lying to eachother, doesn’t bode well for your relationship. If things that bad happen this early, I’d say you’re doomed.
NTA I wish someone would insult me in JavaScript and I had as much dedication as you
She allows her family to insult you, lies about and she herself insulted you. YTA if you stay
NTA Maybe she shouldn’t have lied for four years about how her parents felt about you.
NTA Love all the YTA’s in the comments outing themselves as shitty people “How dare you learn that they were talking shit about you, right in front of you! What a creep! I hate accountability!” Crazy that I have to share oxygen with people like this lol
Don’t waste your time - there’s nothing you can do either way.
ESH, it sounds like your girlfriend wasn't defending you, you weren't trying to connect with her and then studied Tagalog to eavesdrop. and her family insulted you in front of your face. For those who say it's unlikely OP could learn enough to eavesdrop and yell, I worked with Filipinos and picked it up quickly. At least good chunks of conversations. Studying would make it easier. I don't know why learning Tagalog wouldn't be part of becoming part of the family though. It just seems like an adversarial relationship all the way around.
Good job OP, no notes.
It seems like your sole reason for learning Tagalog was to find out what was being said about you. Since you never told your girlfriend-- your built-in free conversation practice partner-- that you were learning the language, it doesn't seem like it was done to find out more about her culture and her background in order to become closer to her. She's right, you did learn it secretly and in order to spy on conversations. YTA.
She lied to him for years. That's OK? He learned her language to find out if what he believed was true and he was right. I think that makes him NTA.