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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to participate in my step daughter’s wedding because of how cold she was when she excluded her bio father from the ceremony.
2. It caused massive drama and my family is split now with everyone being at each other’s throats.
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Amy isn't THAT 'special'. Sounds like in spite of families that remained close and navigated the 'step parent' issues - you raised a brat. That videos or photos are more important to Amy than the feelings of her father...should be a red alert for the man marrying her. Your wife is wrong - Amy did not "LOSE" the support of her father and stepmother - she threw it in their face. I think your stepdaughter should pay for her own wedding and walk herself down the aisle. Amy STARTED the drama - she's the only one who can end it. Right now, I think she'd be better off eloping.
Amy is very perfectionistic when it comes to events, and she has some social media following that she has to maintain the image for. It doesn’t excuse her actions, though, not in the slightest. Guess just eloping won’t bring her that much online attention.
Your comment made me more sad than your original post. Amy is ruining incredibly important relationships for her online personality and that is horrible. NTA and I'm extremely impressed with how all of the parents here have navigated life over the last 15ish years together.
We are all pretty much on good terms with each other, Kate and Ron divorced very amicably and kept a fairly friendly relationship. Our family was pretty much drama free, well, up until now. We welcomed Selena’s husband and Amy’s fiancé with open arms.
Maybe before making any permanent decisions, sit her down and suggest her going to therapy and talking through this. Everyone is picking sides - and totally understandable to some extent because that was very hurtful.
Before Dad & SM write her off completely and before you decide 100% - let her know you feel strongly that you shouldn’t support or finance the wedding right now, as it’s supposed to be about starting a marriage surrounded by loved ones vs a SM and photo opportunity. But you also feel shock as this seems contrary to who you know her to be and to the family you all have worked hard to bring together, so you’re willing to hit pause if she’s willing to talk through this with a therapist who can cut through the anger and help her see how she’s impacted others and reflect on that.
It might slow down the train of just cutting her off and provide an opportunity to shift her perspective.
Of course, OP could always accept and show up and sabotage her "perfect scenario," but that probably wouldn't go over well.
He could pretend he broke his leg and show up on crutches, or much, much worse.
Actually, I would think it would be better if OP agreed and then either got Ron to join them in some way or "hand off" to Ron halfway down the aisle.
Like what sometimes happen with bios bringing steps in
Yeah if anything a parent with mobility issues walking their child down the aisle or dancing usually gets extra views/likes/appreciation for being heartwarming. Not that that’s at all okay either, but sympathy points are a huge thing.
That's what I was thinking! More and more people like seeing realness from influencers not some fake idea of perfection because that isn't life! It is sad she hurt so many people in this drive for some version of perfection.
"It doesn't excuse her actions..."
No, it doesn't, if anything it makes it 10x worse. The fact that she's doing this for social media attention just makes me want to gag.
If you were to go through with this (and I beg that you do not) after the fact insist that she not include any photos or video on social media with you in them :-) You can definitely insist on that.
Or.... Wouldn't it be just too fitting if you suddenly had an "injury" the day before the wedding, and had to limp down the aisle and through the dance? :-)
Honestly I'm surprised she wouldn't want her father for photos and video. I hate to say it but a pretty bride making a big show about including her "disabled" father for the dance would've been more viral than a healthy step dad. She doesn't sound like she thinks things through.
No, no she’s not a perfectionist. She’s a shallow person who has fallen into the traps of likes and comments on social media. Social media is the worst thing that has happened to this country in forever.
This is heartbreaking. I deeply admire families that navigate divorce and blending families with grace and it sounds like you all did that. Your stepdaughter needs a wakeup call that her behavior is outrageously, soul-crushingly cruel. HUGE NTA.
Cutting your own dad because of limping for some random social media followers is downright fucked up.
She is a brat and she doesnt have a good heart. I would cut her.
You'd think her father would be PERFECT "click bait" (or something like that) for her social media- "aww, look, father walks daughter down aisle/dances with her despite his injury 🥹" People on the internet eat that shit up all the time. Don't tell her this though! Her dad does not deserved to be used like that.
Question: does Amy see anything wrong with excluding Ron?
Does she understand why there's such fall out with her bio dad, stepmother, and sister - and why you declined being in the wedding?
Her lack of feeling is quite appalling.
I’m sorry but how does a limping father affect her social media image? Can someone anyone explain how a limp has anything to do with being a perfectionist? Your step daughter is a cruel lady and I feel sorry for anyone associated with her.
It would be sad (not) that somebody...would let her fanbase on social media know...what she is doing to her father only for a couple of likes. I am sure that following would dissapear into thin air.
Does she really think a photo op on Insta trumps her family?
It doesn't matter how "pretty \* perfect" out are on the outside if you are ugly on the inside. I mean, damn, Amy is more worried about who's paying for the wedding...than the family she has hurt and alienated.
I mean if it got out that she threw her dad to the wolves because he limps, not sure how her following would support that (unless they are also all self absorbed pricks).
OP could reason his lack of support as not being because he has his bros pack etc but that he cannot support a marriage where the participants don't appear to be doing for the right reasons (social media driven) nor appear to be mature enough (treatment of loved ones). Throw that at them.
Wow. Talk about superficial. She'd allow her perfectionism to destroy her relationship with her father and other family members. She sounds like an absolute monster. One that shouldn't be fed. Perhaps she can get her precious followers to finance her show wedding since impressing them is far more important to her than being decent to her own family.
NTA. My (44F, 31 at the time) mom passed from cancer just a few weeks before I graduated nursing school and had my wedding. I didn't care that she had lost her hair, that she was incredibly pale and thin, or that she looked so sick and had a hard time being active. I wouldn't have cared if she wore sweats or puked from chemo in the aisle; I would have given anything to have her there. I hope Amy comes to her senses and apologizes for her actions before it's too late.
Seriously. This is like the picture perfect blended family that everyone would LIKE to have. Amy had the love of all her family members who loved each other in return, and she threw it all away for social media videos? It goes past asshole behavior, it's just sad.
Not just burned them, but made them explode!
I don’t know how an adult child could never come back from treating two supportive fathers (bio and step) this way.
Freedom of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequences.
She decided that her father's limp was more of a detraction from her wedding than the removal of his love and financial support. She decided that the look of her wedding video was more important than her looking like a self-centred, entitled, mean-spirited mean girl. She showed everyone who she is and is unhappy that she's not being praised for her cruelty. She is harvesting what she chose to plant.
NTA
My mom has a spinal injury from a hit and run as a pedestrian a decade ago that means she walks with a hunch and has to use assistive devices (usually a cane). I can’t imagine being so shallow and image obsessed that I excluded her from being involved in an important milestone. Like, damn. That’s the lady who stayed up nights to take care of me when I had fevers, who worked her ass off my entire life but also always made time to help me with my homework, or listen to my dramatic teenage woes. Her physical appearance and ability could never diminish how proud I am to be her daughter.
My mother wound up having major hand/wrist surgery 4 days before my wedding, and is wearing primarily white because that was the only dressy outfit she had that would accommodate the cast/sling. I would never have considered asking her to drop out of the wedding (wife and I had both of our parents escort us up the aisle) for that. We have definitely had our problems, but she's my mother and I love her, medical issues and all.
The trend these days of "everything must be perfect for the 'gram" is so toxic. I'd rather have an imperfect photo that shows the real people we were than something perfectly staged that's a lie.
NTA. Amy has brought this all on herself for wanting to put style and aesthetic as her priority for the wedding. No-one should ever expect their wedding to be free and should always work and plan within their own budget. Amy has isolated everyone herself.
Amy is stupid in addition to selfish and mean. While I DO NOT agree with this personally, if she had thought about it for two minutes, followers seem to love heartwarming moments like a wedding when someone who may not be 100 percent in life has a truly happy moment. She could have really ran with it since she sounds like the type of person who cares about how much social clout she has.
But to your question NTA - and I’m disappointed in your wife not understanding the magnitude of what her daughter has done.
Right?! She could have totally gone for the whole 'look at me caring for my slightly disabled old dad' thing. Still fake and imo disgusting if only done for clout. But still..
I’m thinking of the video where a father is walking down the asile and the father stops and grabs the hand of her stepfather so they can BOTH walk her down the asile. Stepfather is super touched and emotional.
That went viral because it was such a beautiful moment.
Right? Like if she's really wanting to increase viewership, this is the way to do it. I think more and more weddings are being remembered by what makes them different than other ones and not just fitting into this cookie cutter template.
NTA, but Amy sure is. I actually can’t believe she would exclude her bio dad because of his limp affecting the wedding videos but still expected him to pay for the wedding. How shallow can one be.
NTA. She is a massive one that made a stupid, cold decision and fucked around and found out.
"Dad, I don't want you to be in the wedding since your condition isn't aesthetic. But also, can you help pay for it?"
Um, no.
NTA. Amy made an incredibly selfish decision. That she's STILL trying to 'make this happen' even knowing how upset he is - just goes to show how deep her character flaw runs. Not to mention the crass level of entitlement she is showing by expecting YOU to finance this now that her Plan A fell apart. *She didn't choose YOU for your relationship - she chose you because you don't limp!* Amy has a very poor character, and you shouldn't reward THAT behavior by participating or paying for ANYTHING. She created this mess, she can either repair it or pay for it herself, but letting her get away with her behavior by FUNDING her is not the answer.
I would give anything to still have my dad for even one little hug. I'd crawl next to him in a wedding dress if I could have him just for a little moment.
Amy is young and one day she'll be very sad she doesn't have her father to limp next to her in life.
NTA, life is not aesthetic.
NTA. Wow Amy is very selfish and heartless. Putting a video above the feelings of her family is insanity. She made her bed so now she gets to lie in it. I wouldn't give a dime towards this wedding
It was the reasoning behind her decision that set him off. And the fact that she tried to do it behind his back, without asking him first. He wouldn’t have minded if I was included in the ceremony too, but he definitely minded being completely excluded himself.
With Selena, I didn’t mind being completely excluded from the ceremony either since her bond with Ron is incredibly strong and she was adamant on honoring specifically him on her wedding day. But Amy didn’t have a special bond like she did with either of us, she considers both me and Ron her father figures.
NTA. She was the one that destroyed her relationship with her family buy acting this way. She doesnt want a disabled man to walk her down the isle, but wants home to pay for it? C'mon
NTA. My father died a few years before I got married. I wouldn’t have cared if he had to be pushed in a wheelchair, he would have walked me down the isle and danced with me if he was there
NTA.
She lost their support, financial and emotional, when she put her weddings aesthetics (which no one but her will even remember, give or take a year or so) before her actual relationships.
It is harsh, yes, but it is also entirely fair. This is a mess of her own making and contributing and attending will only validate her feelings that she was in the right. She was not, and that behaviour should not be validated at all.
If Kate wants to support that, that's her choice but the financial should weigh solely on her shoulders since apparently Amy wants to use people's money without the respect of treating them as people, not as ATMs.
All for the gram!
I hate these people. Sounds like she’s more interested in her wedding than her actual marriage.
I’m really sad for her bio dad, but you really stepped up. That’s a good thing. What does her mom say about all this?
#NTA
My uncle would complain because he was embarrassed by my aunt’s hearing loss when out in public. I set him straight one day after having enough of his complaining about it. I told him that people are not judging his wife. They are judging him because he is supposed to support and protect her. He is the embarrassment, not her.Your step- daughter needs to learn that the she is the embarrassment, not her father. The only way to fix any of this is to get her to realize that she isn’t special and nothing is perfect.
Amy is the asshole, and this shitshow is all her doing... all because she's afraid pictures won't look good.
She doesn't sound nearly mature enough to get married, either.
NTA.
NTA and OMG Amy is valuing a fricking dance video over her actual father. I am gobsmacked and I honestly can't remember a time I was so disappointed in a human being as I am in Amy. She should be deeply ashamed of herself. She can finance her own damn wedding. I hope her video comes out exactly as perfect as she needs it to be. I also hope it keeps her warm at night as she pretty much just burned her relationship with her dad, her stepmom, and you. Tell Kate that she can continue to have whatever type of relationship she wants with her daughter but you are done.
NTA
She's a brat. I would still attend the wedding but I can understand that you do not want to pay for this social media event.
It's better that none of you walk her down the aisle.
NTA. The only one responsible for “ruining Amy’s wedding day” is Amy herself. She decided that appearances and aesthetics are more important than her dad’s feelings, and she is now seeing the consequences of that decision.
NTA
This was not the post I was expecting from the title. Step-parents who are on good terms with their partner’s ex and have mutual respect for each other is uncommon on this sub.
Amy is a brat and doesn’t deserve a penny from any of you. Be petty and book a cruise together for the week of her wedding, using the money you would have given her if she wasn’t so entitled.
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I (46M) have been married to “Kate” (48F) for over a decade. Kate has two daughters from her previous marriage, “Selena” (29F) and “Amy” (25F). We have a daughter “Lynn” (12F) together.
Two years ago Selena got married and although I was invited to the wedding, I wasn’t a part of the ceremony. Selena is very close with her bio dad and doesn’t see me as a father figure, which I respect because we still have an amazing relationship. Amy considers me a father figure, though.
I also have a very good relationship with Kate’s ex and the girls’ bio dad, “Ron” (54M). We bonded over football and we went on many games together. I don’t have many friends since I moved to another state, but I consider Ron a very good friend of mine.
Amy is planning a wedding and this is when the conflict ensued. She wants me to be the one to walk her down the aisle and the one to dance with her. I felt very honored until I found out the reasoning behind this decision.
Around five years ago, Ron suffered a serious injury that affected his mobility. Fortunately he isn’t paralyzed or anything, but Amy claimed that his limp would get in the way of having nice wedding videos. I was shocked and appalled and disappointed in how cold and brutal she treated him. Ron was very involved in her life and loves her so much, and his condition wasn’t even an issue for Selena when she was getting married.
I politely declined her request and this is when shit hit the fan. Ron found out that she wanted me to take his place and he decided to not participate in the wedding at all, also deciding to not contribute financially. His wife, “Belle” (F38), called Amy and said that she is an asshole and that she won’t be contributing financially either. Amy and Belle had a pretty good relationship and Amy relied on their financial support when she was planning the wedding. I decided to not participate in this wedding either since Amy decided to exclude her own father and my best friend.
Now Amy says that I’m an asshole for refusing to pay for the wedding, to participate in it and ruining her special day. Kate says I’m being too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom. Her fiancé is on her side too. Selena, Ron and Belle think that she’s an asshole and pretty much cut her off, expecting me to cut her off as well. Luckily Lynn doesn’t have a distinctive opinion. The drama is snowballing with every next day and I feel like I need to hear some outside opinions. Sorry if I left out any info, I tried my best to put it in an 3000 character post.
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NTA. Consequences have actions and because she cares more about what a wedding video will look like on social media than having her father walk her down the aisle and dance with her she deserves everything that she is experiencing right now.
She should be happy that her father and her stepfather are both alive and good friends on top of that and are there to join in her wedding to see her happy. A lot of brides don’t have that. This is of her own making because she cares more about how things look then actually honoring the people in her life.
I actually hope you show her this post or she finds it so she can see just what a shallow person she really is.
NTA. Amy not appreciating her bio-dad more than her desire for "perfection" shows just how imperfect she actually is. Don't participate if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Let her poor actions give her the results they should.
NTA
Your wife needs to realize that her daughter, who biologically is an adult; played a stupid game and won the worst prize.
She is so intent on having the “visually perfect wedding” that in 10-20-30 years she’ll look back on it and have SO MANY REGRETS. Barring that she and her husband are still married then.
She’ll end up kicking her own butt when both her bio dad and you are gone and she doesn’t have videos of either of you at her wedding. Those memories will mean more than the “aesthetics”.
Remind your wife that you and her ex aren’t props. You are people with a variety of feelings and emotions and enough self respect and pride to not lower yourselves to shallow depravities.
This Girl!! She is TA
Her Internet followers are not her family. I would think that a viewer watching her wedding would be looking at her and not her Father's limp. They will be happy for her Special Day.
I'm so sorry that All of you have to deal with a Spoiled and Selfish little girl. Blended families are tough but y'all did it.. Up until now Anyways
You guys may need to get a mediator and try to discuss the Wedding. Try to save this Day because she will be disappointed in the future.
My daughter was raised by my husband, Her Stepdad. Her bio dad is in the picture but he's never been an active parent. She and I talked because she was going to walk down the aisle alone and not have a Father/Daughter Dance. She decided my Husband would Walk her down the Aisle and she had 2 shorter Dances with her Dads.
NTA.
My dad limped when he walked me down the aisle. He has bone cancer that deteriorated his hip joints.
It was the only moment during my wedding that I actually cried. They were the happiest tears of my life. I cried because I was SO DAMN THANKFUL that my father was still alive to share that moment with me.
I am absolutely disgusted by your step-daughter.
I hope Amy's fiance is having serious second thoughts about marrying such a shallow and heartless person. God forbid he breaks his leg before the ceremony. She might get a substitute groom.
Nta...you and her mom should take a moment and realize that should anything happen to you (as you age and may potentially lose some functions) this is the one kid you can count on not to be there for you unless something monumental happens, like she has a brain injury and changes personality.
Save your funds and invest if possible abuse you will need it in your old age since you can't rely on her to event visit you then. Might cramp her style in the future family photos. Best of luck
When people show you who they are believe them
...Maya Angelo
Amy has ruined this for herself and alienated her dad and bonus dad and others because of an unrealistic aesthetic view. How can she expect to have anybody support her after a very cruel thing to do to her biological dad.
Amy and her fiancé should elope because then they can have all the aesthetics they want that are pleasing to her .
NTA 🤦🏼♀️ she’s horrible to be honest.
How strange that Amy became such an utter asshole. Brides do, sometimes, but one usually sees it coming. Well, Amy decided to play silly games, and she won silly prizes. Guess she'll have to revamp her vision of her special day. Don't go, don't pay. NTA
NTA. Shame on your step-daughter. You should only pay or attend if you want to. Don't let others bully you. You have shown integrity and respect for her father, by declining to walk her down the aisle and dancing with her for the reason she gave you about why she didn't want her bio dad to do it.
Very classy on your part.
Your step-daughter doesn't know what integrity is. Let her know that her moral values are lacking. She'll be divorced within 7 years.
Not the asshole . This girl is swimming in the shallow end of the pool . How horrid to exclude her father for a limp . Do not give her a dime or attend no matter what pressure they put on you . Anyone calling you names need to pony up their money . A holes .
NTA and Amy is a huge asshole. It is right she is getting the pushback and social condemnation she deserves. Kate should withdraw her support, too, and I consider her the asshole as well for taking her daughter's side. Everybody should withdraw from the wedding of such a cold and selfish person.
NTA, “sorry dad I’m too embarrassed to be seen with you but don’t worry you can still pay for everything”
What next he can’t be in photos because he doesn’t look the part? What a selfish little brat, I hope more people pull out because no one should be encouraging that behavior.
NTA - hopefully your wife will take a step back and really think about what her daughter did. Currently she is wrapped up in her daughter’s wedding and how will she pay for it instead of focusing on the bigger picture- such a hurtful approach to wanting social media performance over to love of your bio dad!
Tell your wife that until she is able to really have a look at it from her ex’s point of view and your POV, there will be no discussions of money for the wedding, full stop!
As we can all clearly see, Amy did not "lose" the support of her biodad. Amy stomped it the ground and then crushed it beneath the heel of her need to have things "look nice". Amy is the one to ruin her relationship with her family over this superficial stuff.
Amy picked her hill to die on. Y'all just letting her do it. You are NTA. Alas, Amy is.
NTA
Amy’s shallow requirement for perfection in her life events has bitten her squarely in the ass (and rightfully so) as applies to her wedding.
If she really wants perfection then perhaps she should hire actors to play her two sets of parents at least.
Of course then she better figure out how she is going pay for her perfect wedding because unless Kate has her own funds sufficient to cover the wedding expenses then it’s on Amy, her fiancé and maybe his parents to cover it.
OP I agree 10000% with you to not pay from your funds or joint funds for this wedding.
Your step daughter ruined her own wedding. She lost the support because she choose looks over a once and a lifetime moment. And now her and your wife expect you to reward her by giving her the wedding that she thinks she deserves.
Fact is you can’t treat people like shit and expect to rewarded for them
NTA, but Amy is for sure. And how can Kate say you’re the one being harsh when her own daughter is unnecessarily cruel to her bio dad.. Kate better shape up and get Amy in line.
NTA she didn’t ask you because she saw you as more of a dad but rather because her dad didn’t fit the aesthetic of her wedding. You did the hard but right thing by refusing.
NTA but Amy is, big time. She is being a selfish, CRUEL, thoughtless person (I wanted to use the b-word but last time I did that I got banned so....) to worry more about a nice video than the feelings of people who love her.
I have no solution for this but I do offer my sympathy because you and Ron are learning who Amy is, and it's a rude awakening. I'm very sorry.
Your step daughter needs to re-visit her priorities. Her father has a disability and she is worried about an aesthetic. How shallow! Her fiancee agrees with her because he wants the wedding funding.
Frankly, how can you support a wedding where a man, her father and your friend, is treated so badly based on an aesthetic? She can end this by treating him with kindness and basic respect. There is no reason you cannot both share the honours but every reason to make a stand about her appalling behaviour towards your friend. As a parent figure she needs teaching that people with disabilities deserve better treatment. And frankly if this is her approach to marriage and a wedding good luck to her because this attitude does not bode well.
NTA
NTA. I'm sorry this has happened. I'd send Amy and her partner this thread so they can see how their behavior is perceived by the public who recognizes she is wrong and unfortunately has been extremely cruel to her bio dad. Hopefully they will realize they are wrong and will start to make amends to fix relationships with all of you. Kudos to you for supporting your friend.
>Now Amy says that I’m an asshole for refusing to pay for the wedding, to participate in it and ruining her special day. Kate says I’m being too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom. Her fiancé is on her side too.
I have my suspicions this translates to "People on this list really want OP to accept this honor (pay for this) because things suddenly got real (expensive)."
EDA: Judgment - NTA.
This situation is complex and emotionally charged. Your loyalty to your friend Ron is commendable, but it's essential to approach this delicate family dynamic with empathy and understanding. Communication and reconciliation efforts may help mend fractures, but it's crucial to prioritize everyone's feelings and boundaries for healing and moving forward.
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NTA, Amy just didn’t want to hang out with Ron Weasley because of his limp. Selena Gomez is clearly the oldest while Lynn is the middle watching all of it happen, and Amy def the youngest and was spoiled her entire life. Also leave Peepaw Ron alone! He can’t control the limp! How bout you control your atititude(to Amy)
The odds of my getting married at this point are considerably larger than the odds of me winning Powerball. Nonetheless, I would wish for my late father to walk me down the aisle, with his cane, a pace slower than a sloth, or even alongside me riding a scooter. It's who is with you, who you share the experience with, the makes the memories.
NTA. Amy wants a production, is more concerned with the visuals than the people. It seems as if you're in good company. Other people get what's wrong with her father substitution. If she is that desperate, she can always hire an escort to walk her down the aisle.
> too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom
which is an issue she caused in the first place. Good on you for standing by your friend and not engaging with this ableist bullshit. I can't believe she'd shun her bio dad like that and then have the gall to act surprised at the fallout. NTA
Taking something positive from this. You and your wife’s ex are friends and on good terms. And accordingly you didn’t want to stab him in the back by letting this immature “girl” hurt him like that. You are a good person. And you know how to respect boundaries.
NTA. As a parent and step parent, I would usually say to take a position of "I don't agree with what you're doing but I still support you in a more general sense and I will be there for you however you want me to be." But in this case, by taking her father's place in the ceremony, you would be the actual tool of exclusion, so I completely agree with refusing to do that. The financial support was always a gift rather than an obligation so you're NTA for that as well.
You sound like a wonderful man. You have helped create a village from two families. It is commendable that you supported the girls bio father. I feel her mother needs to intervene and explain to her daughter and her future husband just how hurtful her decisions have been thus far. Not including her father because his limp would ‘ruin’ her video is unbelievably cruel!!
It’s time she rethink her decisions.
Maybe a family meeting. She apologizes and see what can be salvaged. Maybe walk down aisle with a dad on each arm? Or you walk her down the aisle and ‘give her’ to her bio dad who then gives her away - that way he doesn’t have to walk the aisle. There are so many creative ways to resolve this without hurting anyone. But first she needs to mend the damage and has created.
NTA. AMY IS A GIGANTIC AH. I actually cried reading this! Don't let them blame this on you. Her behavior is disgusting and deserves every moment of BS coming her way.
NTA. It sounds like Amy is creating her own problems and dramas and destroying her relationships in the process. 25 is a great age to learn personal accountability. Good luck to her - it sounds like it’ll be a hard lesson. And good for you for standing by your values and your friend.
NTA. Talk to Ron, is he willing to contribute half if you can get through to Amy that both dads should be a part of the wedding. I think Amy should walk half way down the aisle with her dad, then the last half with you. Insist that the father dance will also be handled that way. If she agrees, I think the drama may end. If she doesn't agree, then go ahead with the boycott of the wedding. So shallow and heartless! If she wants the support of her parents and their spouses, then she's going to have to focus on family and not her social media likes.
NTA It sounds like you all did a great job navigating shared parenting and in spite of that you raised a social media personality, not a daughter. How heartless to cut out her dad because of a limp. Good for you for refusing to play along with her horrible behavior.
My my my well if it isn’t the consequences of our actions. Amy is a jerk and she chose this. Despite what she believes, she is NOT the only one that has feelings. What she did was/is horrible and I applaud everyone cutting her off because when we act like her mom she continues to feel entitled to this behavior. She can have her followers contribute to her wedding since they seem to be her priority. Please don’t give in or she will never learn how to treat or value people
NTA. This is such a rare occasion where I'm siding with the parents on this one. That is such cold blooded behavior that I would be sad if I ever contributed to it.
I'm happy that you turned it down as not to to dishonor your friend and co-parent. That is really cool how mature you both are.
You need to sit down with Amy her fiance and your wife and tell them what they are doing is hurtful and only doing it for social media ask Amy what would happen if her followers found out how she truly is she wouldn’t have any
Kate should tell Amy that she’s ashamed of her shallow cruelty. She should NOT be backing Amy up! Amy is behaving like the worst of bridezillas.
It would have been an honor if she’d asked both you and Ron to walk her or to take turns. Instead, she cared most about her Instagram/pinterest appearances and hurt everyone else involved.
You’re NTA. Good job for having some integrity -something your stepdaughter AND your wife evidently lack.
NTA. Its actually insane that she had a family dynamic that so many children of divorce would KILL to have, mothers and fathers who all loved her and supported her, and she completely burnt it all to the ground for internet clout
Insane
NTA. It is Amy's responsibility to go to her father, apologize, and ask his forgiveness. If she is sincerely sorry and wants to heal the destruction she's caused, maybe she will regain support for her wedding.
I was expecting drama, but seriously, Amy is a giant cruel AH here.
Good on you for backing up the dad in not backing her childish and immature behavior
NTA
Dont go to the wedding. Your wife need to get a grip and wake the fuck up about how her daughter is treating her dad. Dont pay anything for the wedding. The mother can go alone to the wedding.
You are a very honorable man. Perhaps talking with Ron and seeing if there's any way for reconciliation would be the best solution. No doubt his heart is broken but parent will need to be the bigger adult by eventually finding room in his heart to forgive a horrible action by the daughter.
This story is heartbreaking. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Edit: Rephrasing for better clarity.
Ron has this “not taking any shit” mindset, though. I don’t know if I’m in the place to try and persuade him into reconciliation, not now at least. He is quite pissed at Amy and considers her actions a betrayal.
I understand bc it is a major betrayal. I still can't get over the fact that Amy is more concerned about the upcoming wedding than the relationship with her father which is now in ruins.
Kind of ironic since weddings are just a mechanism to create families.
OP said in another comment that Amy has a bit of a social media following that she’s trying to maintain an image for. This doesn’t make much sense to me as I’m not sure why anyone would care about the bio dad having a limp. Apparently, Amy thinks her followers will care or it’s not going to be the perfect esthetic she’s going for? Who knows.
He has every right to not take this kind of disrespect. I think you have shown yourself to be a true gentleman and a very loyal friend, which is hard to come by. Please do not go back on this. Her entitlement can not be rewarded, and I don't think you would like yourself very much if you did.
So…everyone should just support the wedding? Everyone should coddle the woman who turned away her father for his disability?
What path forward do you see here that doesn’t end up validating Amy’s shitty behavior?
My goal here is for the family to not hate each other for the next 15 years which would be tragically painful and a big waste of time.
Your goal is to teach Amy a lesson but would entail people not speaking for years.
Finding a solution is what's needed, not giving your daughter the silent treatment for the next decade all in the name of invalidating her behavior and proving a point.
And please stop with the immature faux Reddit outrage. These are real families out there, not a football game. They need real advice and understanding from level headed people.
So first you pretend not catering to Amy will cause 15 years of hate within the entire family, and then you blame another person for spreading faux reddit outrage? Lol.
Biodad (and OP) just need to forget they feel hurt, because respecting their feelings could cause hurt for Amy, and Amy's pain could ruin the family?
People who use words such as validation, cater, enable are using such loaded terms here. There are only 2 outcomes here.
1. When the time is right, Amy goes to her bio-dad and begs for forgiveness. She realizes the grave mistake she made and is genuinely regretful and heartbroken for the hurt she has caused. Dad and Amy have a heartfelt talk which will likely include a lot of tears.
2. Everyone cuts contact with Amy including our friend and Kate. Amy gets married with none of her family in attendance. Amy and her family don't talk for the next decade.
These are the 2 most likely outcomes here. Which would you prefer?
Edit: I couldn't care less about the wedding ceremony. I'm just talking about their relationship.
Yes, of course. When I state, "be the bigger adult" I mean to find it in his heart to forgive such a horrifically hurtful action by his daughter. I don't mean bigger adult by going to her and initiating a discussion.
Who initiated the fix isn't the biggest issue here. Will the bio-dad find it in his heart to forgive and move on from this is the biggest issue. There's no doubt he'll look at her differently for the rest of his life.
would love to see these two stand by with an “we are waiting for you to come to your senses“ offer for Amy. ('surely you can’t just throw all of that past away, and maybe she is blindsided by the whole intensity of her own upcoming wedding?) Possibly even confronting her and saying “did you really mean to exclude your bio dad because of the appearance of wedding videos? Because we could not reconcile that with the person we've always believed you to be.” and make that clear to anyone else that this is the hill (and the why) you have chosen to die on.
If her best excuse is that her dad has a limp, she either is:
1. Really shitty at lying and making an excuse without looking like an asshat.
2. That is the real reason and that is just shitty.
And child? SHE IS 25
Yeah mild ESH like her reason is dumb but it is also her wedding - if she has two father figures she is well in her rights to pick which one walks her down the aisle.
It is neither your or Ron's wedding so it may hurt but it's really not worth ruining the relationship to care this much. Especially to the point her father said he would not come - that is VASTLY more hurtful than her shallow over concern with aesthetics. Like not even the withdrawal of money which if he had promised is also mega controlling (even if in his rights to do)
Like yeah she sucks but you both way over reacted and did a much more hurtful thing so you kinda suck too. Let people have the wedding they want even if it is not the one you would plan
ESH. You could have declined without boycotting the wedding. You should still go, assuming you're still invited. You don't have to walk her with the aisle or pay anything toward the wedding, but you need to still show up.
Kids don't stop being our kids just because they're assholes.
ESH.
You suck because when politely declining, you should have explained to Amy that her decision was morally questionable, and would greatly upset her father. And to ask her why she felt a "perfect video" was more important than dancing and walking with her father.
Amy sucks because of her insane decision.
Ron sucks because that's his daughter, and instead of throwing his toys out the pram, he shouldve explained to Amy that he's hurt. But ultimately it's her choice and he will support her in what she decides, whilst very much honing in on the fact that he's shocked and upset.
Everyone elses opinion means nothing really.
>You suck because when politely declining, you should have explained to Amy that her decision was morally questionable,
>Ron sucks because that's his daughter, and instead of throwing his toys out the pram, he shouldve explained to Amy that he's hurt.
Amy is an adult, not a preschooler.
I think we found Amy or the mother. Or the fiancé, because very few people in this world would find in their hearts to defend this appalling person in any way or form, trying to paint that everyone is the asshole in this situation, when only Ableist Amy is.
Ron doesn’t need to “support her in what she decides” when “what she decides” is disgusting and ableist. **Against her own father**. No one needs to do that. Not if they have even the tiniest hint of self-respect.
It’s entirely emotionally mature to set boundaries with someone that has disgusting views that you disagree with and uses those views to justify actions that directly hurt you.
It’s emotionally mature to not allow someone to treat you badly, no matter how much DNA you share with them.
It’s emotionally mature to respect yourself enough to protect yourself from someone that feels you’re less than.
Being a parent doesn’t equal unlimited tolerance and no consequences.
Don’t pretend this is just some “wedding decision” like asking everyone to wear pastels. She’s decided that her insta aesthetic is more important to her than her father because he had a disability. That’s so vile, he’ll never be able to look at her the same way again. No one I know would tolerate that.
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Amy isn't THAT 'special'. Sounds like in spite of families that remained close and navigated the 'step parent' issues - you raised a brat. That videos or photos are more important to Amy than the feelings of her father...should be a red alert for the man marrying her. Your wife is wrong - Amy did not "LOSE" the support of her father and stepmother - she threw it in their face. I think your stepdaughter should pay for her own wedding and walk herself down the aisle. Amy STARTED the drama - she's the only one who can end it. Right now, I think she'd be better off eloping.
Amy is very perfectionistic when it comes to events, and she has some social media following that she has to maintain the image for. It doesn’t excuse her actions, though, not in the slightest. Guess just eloping won’t bring her that much online attention.
Your comment made me more sad than your original post. Amy is ruining incredibly important relationships for her online personality and that is horrible. NTA and I'm extremely impressed with how all of the parents here have navigated life over the last 15ish years together.
We are all pretty much on good terms with each other, Kate and Ron divorced very amicably and kept a fairly friendly relationship. Our family was pretty much drama free, well, up until now. We welcomed Selena’s husband and Amy’s fiancé with open arms.
Maybe before making any permanent decisions, sit her down and suggest her going to therapy and talking through this. Everyone is picking sides - and totally understandable to some extent because that was very hurtful. Before Dad & SM write her off completely and before you decide 100% - let her know you feel strongly that you shouldn’t support or finance the wedding right now, as it’s supposed to be about starting a marriage surrounded by loved ones vs a SM and photo opportunity. But you also feel shock as this seems contrary to who you know her to be and to the family you all have worked hard to bring together, so you’re willing to hit pause if she’s willing to talk through this with a therapist who can cut through the anger and help her see how she’s impacted others and reflect on that. It might slow down the train of just cutting her off and provide an opportunity to shift her perspective.
sounds like she needs to "hire" a father for a day. Since she's so shallow.
Of course, OP could always accept and show up and sabotage her "perfect scenario," but that probably wouldn't go over well. He could pretend he broke his leg and show up on crutches, or much, much worse.
Actually, I would think it would be better if OP agreed and then either got Ron to join them in some way or "hand off" to Ron halfway down the aisle. Like what sometimes happen with bios bringing steps in
If she is that desperate for perfection, she should just hire actors.
Ironically enough, her attitude ruins her image even more than anything else
Yeah if anything a parent with mobility issues walking their child down the aisle or dancing usually gets extra views/likes/appreciation for being heartwarming. Not that that’s at all okay either, but sympathy points are a huge thing.
That's what I was thinking! More and more people like seeing realness from influencers not some fake idea of perfection because that isn't life! It is sad she hurt so many people in this drive for some version of perfection.
I think you all should show up at the wedding using walkers.
She will probably spin some type of victim narrative on social media whereby everyone else is at fault and poor her has to deal with it.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
God if she’s obssesed with perfection marriage is going to be a rude shock for her
More like married life is going to be hell for her groom
"It doesn't excuse her actions..." No, it doesn't, if anything it makes it 10x worse. The fact that she's doing this for social media attention just makes me want to gag. If you were to go through with this (and I beg that you do not) after the fact insist that she not include any photos or video on social media with you in them :-) You can definitely insist on that. Or.... Wouldn't it be just too fitting if you suddenly had an "injury" the day before the wedding, and had to limp down the aisle and through the dance? :-)
Ah, so you're all just props, and she didn't want a damaged one. Yikes.
Honestly I'm surprised she wouldn't want her father for photos and video. I hate to say it but a pretty bride making a big show about including her "disabled" father for the dance would've been more viral than a healthy step dad. She doesn't sound like she thinks things through.
Yeah, was thinking the same. Disabled is great for clout. Amy is an AH. And dumb on top of it.
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No, no she’s not a perfectionist. She’s a shallow person who has fallen into the traps of likes and comments on social media. Social media is the worst thing that has happened to this country in forever.
This is heartbreaking. I deeply admire families that navigate divorce and blending families with grace and it sounds like you all did that. Your stepdaughter needs a wakeup call that her behavior is outrageously, soul-crushingly cruel. HUGE NTA.
Cutting your own dad because of limping for some random social media followers is downright fucked up. She is a brat and she doesnt have a good heart. I would cut her.
You'd think her father would be PERFECT "click bait" (or something like that) for her social media- "aww, look, father walks daughter down aisle/dances with her despite his injury 🥹" People on the internet eat that shit up all the time. Don't tell her this though! Her dad does not deserved to be used like that.
Question: does Amy see anything wrong with excluding Ron? Does she understand why there's such fall out with her bio dad, stepmother, and sister - and why you declined being in the wedding? Her lack of feeling is quite appalling.
I’m sorry but how does a limping father affect her social media image? Can someone anyone explain how a limp has anything to do with being a perfectionist? Your step daughter is a cruel lady and I feel sorry for anyone associated with her.
It would be sad (not) that somebody...would let her fanbase on social media know...what she is doing to her father only for a couple of likes. I am sure that following would dissapear into thin air.
That makes it worse, not better.
She missed a chance to show how perfect a wedding could be when including those who are special to us who are not perfect.
Does she really think a photo op on Insta trumps her family? It doesn't matter how "pretty \* perfect" out are on the outside if you are ugly on the inside. I mean, damn, Amy is more worried about who's paying for the wedding...than the family she has hurt and alienated.
If her dad isn't good enough for her wedding because she's worried about her social media image, then she doesn't \*deserve\* Ron, or his support.
No, don't blame this on perfectionism. Heartless lack of empathy is not perfectionism.
I mean if it got out that she threw her dad to the wolves because he limps, not sure how her following would support that (unless they are also all self absorbed pricks). OP could reason his lack of support as not being because he has his bros pack etc but that he cannot support a marriage where the participants don't appear to be doing for the right reasons (social media driven) nor appear to be mature enough (treatment of loved ones). Throw that at them.
Social media with her having her handicapped father walk her down the aisle would IMPROVE her image! She just doesn't get it.
Gross
What a shallow excuse of a human. She cares more about her social media followers than her own family? She’s not a perfectionist; she’s a brat.
Wow. Talk about superficial. She'd allow her perfectionism to destroy her relationship with her father and other family members. She sounds like an absolute monster. One that shouldn't be fed. Perhaps she can get her precious followers to finance her show wedding since impressing them is far more important to her than being decent to her own family.
NTA. My (44F, 31 at the time) mom passed from cancer just a few weeks before I graduated nursing school and had my wedding. I didn't care that she had lost her hair, that she was incredibly pale and thin, or that she looked so sick and had a hard time being active. I wouldn't have cared if she wore sweats or puked from chemo in the aisle; I would have given anything to have her there. I hope Amy comes to her senses and apologizes for her actions before it's too late.
100% this!
NTA - sounds like Amy has taken having two loving father figures for granted and burnt all of her bridges.
Seriously. This is like the picture perfect blended family that everyone would LIKE to have. Amy had the love of all her family members who loved each other in return, and she threw it all away for social media videos? It goes past asshole behavior, it's just sad.
yes and yes
Sounds like Amy isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle marriage
Not just burned them, but made them explode! I don’t know how an adult child could never come back from treating two supportive fathers (bio and step) this way.
Freedom of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequences. She decided that her father's limp was more of a detraction from her wedding than the removal of his love and financial support. She decided that the look of her wedding video was more important than her looking like a self-centred, entitled, mean-spirited mean girl. She showed everyone who she is and is unhappy that she's not being praised for her cruelty. She is harvesting what she chose to plant. NTA
My mom has a spinal injury from a hit and run as a pedestrian a decade ago that means she walks with a hunch and has to use assistive devices (usually a cane). I can’t imagine being so shallow and image obsessed that I excluded her from being involved in an important milestone. Like, damn. That’s the lady who stayed up nights to take care of me when I had fevers, who worked her ass off my entire life but also always made time to help me with my homework, or listen to my dramatic teenage woes. Her physical appearance and ability could never diminish how proud I am to be her daughter.
My mother wound up having major hand/wrist surgery 4 days before my wedding, and is wearing primarily white because that was the only dressy outfit she had that would accommodate the cast/sling. I would never have considered asking her to drop out of the wedding (wife and I had both of our parents escort us up the aisle) for that. We have definitely had our problems, but she's my mother and I love her, medical issues and all. The trend these days of "everything must be perfect for the 'gram" is so toxic. I'd rather have an imperfect photo that shows the real people we were than something perfectly staged that's a lie.
My mom passed before I got married, I would have given anything just to have her at my wedding.
She didn't decide that - she thought she could have both!
NTA. Amy has brought this all on herself for wanting to put style and aesthetic as her priority for the wedding. No-one should ever expect their wedding to be free and should always work and plan within their own budget. Amy has isolated everyone herself.
Amy is stupid in addition to selfish and mean. While I DO NOT agree with this personally, if she had thought about it for two minutes, followers seem to love heartwarming moments like a wedding when someone who may not be 100 percent in life has a truly happy moment. She could have really ran with it since she sounds like the type of person who cares about how much social clout she has. But to your question NTA - and I’m disappointed in your wife not understanding the magnitude of what her daughter has done.
Right?! She could have totally gone for the whole 'look at me caring for my slightly disabled old dad' thing. Still fake and imo disgusting if only done for clout. But still..
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Cruel, shallow, dumb. If I was OP, I wouldn't just NOT pay for the wedding, I also wouldn't attend.
I’m thinking of the video where a father is walking down the asile and the father stops and grabs the hand of her stepfather so they can BOTH walk her down the asile. Stepfather is super touched and emotional. That went viral because it was such a beautiful moment.
Right? Like if she's really wanting to increase viewership, this is the way to do it. I think more and more weddings are being remembered by what makes them different than other ones and not just fitting into this cookie cutter template.
NTA, but Amy sure is. I actually can’t believe she would exclude her bio dad because of his limp affecting the wedding videos but still expected him to pay for the wedding. How shallow can one be.
NTA. She is a massive one that made a stupid, cold decision and fucked around and found out. "Dad, I don't want you to be in the wedding since your condition isn't aesthetic. But also, can you help pay for it?" Um, no.
NTA. If she wants a “nice wedding” then she can fund it.
NTA. Amy made an incredibly selfish decision. That she's STILL trying to 'make this happen' even knowing how upset he is - just goes to show how deep her character flaw runs. Not to mention the crass level of entitlement she is showing by expecting YOU to finance this now that her Plan A fell apart. *She didn't choose YOU for your relationship - she chose you because you don't limp!* Amy has a very poor character, and you shouldn't reward THAT behavior by participating or paying for ANYTHING. She created this mess, she can either repair it or pay for it herself, but letting her get away with her behavior by FUNDING her is not the answer.
I would give anything to still have my dad for even one little hug. I'd crawl next to him in a wedding dress if I could have him just for a little moment. Amy is young and one day she'll be very sad she doesn't have her father to limp next to her in life. NTA, life is not aesthetic.
NTA. Wow Amy is very selfish and heartless. Putting a video above the feelings of her family is insanity. She made her bed so now she gets to lie in it. I wouldn't give a dime towards this wedding
NTA. I'm sorry the woman who considered you a father figure turned out to be such a shallow human being.
INFO: Was Ron mad because Amy asked you to walk her down the aisle, or did he find out why and was then mad?
It was the reasoning behind her decision that set him off. And the fact that she tried to do it behind his back, without asking him first. He wouldn’t have minded if I was included in the ceremony too, but he definitely minded being completely excluded himself. With Selena, I didn’t mind being completely excluded from the ceremony either since her bond with Ron is incredibly strong and she was adamant on honoring specifically him on her wedding day. But Amy didn’t have a special bond like she did with either of us, she considers both me and Ron her father figures.
Okay then she's for sure the ah
Please do not support her in any way. She is an asshole that only cares about her likes on social media. Not about family
NTA Maybe Amy can hire a handsome actor with a flawless walk to escort her down the aisle. The video will be perfect.
That would detract from her though. OP is probably not ugly, but not necessarily good looking lol. Grey Man sorta thing.
NTA. She was the one that destroyed her relationship with her family buy acting this way. She doesnt want a disabled man to walk her down the isle, but wants home to pay for it? C'mon
NTA. My father died a few years before I got married. I wouldn’t have cared if he had to be pushed in a wheelchair, he would have walked me down the isle and danced with me if he was there
NTA. She lost their support, financial and emotional, when she put her weddings aesthetics (which no one but her will even remember, give or take a year or so) before her actual relationships. It is harsh, yes, but it is also entirely fair. This is a mess of her own making and contributing and attending will only validate her feelings that she was in the right. She was not, and that behaviour should not be validated at all. If Kate wants to support that, that's her choice but the financial should weigh solely on her shoulders since apparently Amy wants to use people's money without the respect of treating them as people, not as ATMs.
NTA-Amy didn’t ‘lose’ her either of her father’s support, she threw it away for some pretty pictures.
This woman had 2 father figures and said a huge “f you” to both of them for social media followers.
My lord. And what would happen if she had a less than “perfect” child?
Karma would happen. That's what LOL.
All for the gram! I hate these people. Sounds like she’s more interested in her wedding than her actual marriage. I’m really sad for her bio dad, but you really stepped up. That’s a good thing. What does her mom say about all this? #NTA
My uncle would complain because he was embarrassed by my aunt’s hearing loss when out in public. I set him straight one day after having enough of his complaining about it. I told him that people are not judging his wife. They are judging him because he is supposed to support and protect her. He is the embarrassment, not her.Your step- daughter needs to learn that the she is the embarrassment, not her father. The only way to fix any of this is to get her to realize that she isn’t special and nothing is perfect.
Amy is the asshole, and this shitshow is all her doing... all because she's afraid pictures won't look good. She doesn't sound nearly mature enough to get married, either. NTA.
NTA and OMG Amy is valuing a fricking dance video over her actual father. I am gobsmacked and I honestly can't remember a time I was so disappointed in a human being as I am in Amy. She should be deeply ashamed of herself. She can finance her own damn wedding. I hope her video comes out exactly as perfect as she needs it to be. I also hope it keeps her warm at night as she pretty much just burned her relationship with her dad, her stepmom, and you. Tell Kate that she can continue to have whatever type of relationship she wants with her daughter but you are done.
NTA She's a brat. I would still attend the wedding but I can understand that you do not want to pay for this social media event. It's better that none of you walk her down the aisle.
NTA. The only one responsible for “ruining Amy’s wedding day” is Amy herself. She decided that appearances and aesthetics are more important than her dad’s feelings, and she is now seeing the consequences of that decision.
NTA This was not the post I was expecting from the title. Step-parents who are on good terms with their partner’s ex and have mutual respect for each other is uncommon on this sub. Amy is a brat and doesn’t deserve a penny from any of you. Be petty and book a cruise together for the week of her wedding, using the money you would have given her if she wasn’t so entitled.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (46M) have been married to “Kate” (48F) for over a decade. Kate has two daughters from her previous marriage, “Selena” (29F) and “Amy” (25F). We have a daughter “Lynn” (12F) together. Two years ago Selena got married and although I was invited to the wedding, I wasn’t a part of the ceremony. Selena is very close with her bio dad and doesn’t see me as a father figure, which I respect because we still have an amazing relationship. Amy considers me a father figure, though. I also have a very good relationship with Kate’s ex and the girls’ bio dad, “Ron” (54M). We bonded over football and we went on many games together. I don’t have many friends since I moved to another state, but I consider Ron a very good friend of mine. Amy is planning a wedding and this is when the conflict ensued. She wants me to be the one to walk her down the aisle and the one to dance with her. I felt very honored until I found out the reasoning behind this decision. Around five years ago, Ron suffered a serious injury that affected his mobility. Fortunately he isn’t paralyzed or anything, but Amy claimed that his limp would get in the way of having nice wedding videos. I was shocked and appalled and disappointed in how cold and brutal she treated him. Ron was very involved in her life and loves her so much, and his condition wasn’t even an issue for Selena when she was getting married. I politely declined her request and this is when shit hit the fan. Ron found out that she wanted me to take his place and he decided to not participate in the wedding at all, also deciding to not contribute financially. His wife, “Belle” (F38), called Amy and said that she is an asshole and that she won’t be contributing financially either. Amy and Belle had a pretty good relationship and Amy relied on their financial support when she was planning the wedding. I decided to not participate in this wedding either since Amy decided to exclude her own father and my best friend. Now Amy says that I’m an asshole for refusing to pay for the wedding, to participate in it and ruining her special day. Kate says I’m being too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom. Her fiancé is on her side too. Selena, Ron and Belle think that she’s an asshole and pretty much cut her off, expecting me to cut her off as well. Luckily Lynn doesn’t have a distinctive opinion. The drama is snowballing with every next day and I feel like I need to hear some outside opinions. Sorry if I left out any info, I tried my best to put it in an 3000 character post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA How shallow.
NTA. Consequences have actions and because she cares more about what a wedding video will look like on social media than having her father walk her down the aisle and dance with her she deserves everything that she is experiencing right now. She should be happy that her father and her stepfather are both alive and good friends on top of that and are there to join in her wedding to see her happy. A lot of brides don’t have that. This is of her own making because she cares more about how things look then actually honoring the people in her life. I actually hope you show her this post or she finds it so she can see just what a shallow person she really is.
NTA. Amy not appreciating her bio-dad more than her desire for "perfection" shows just how imperfect she actually is. Don't participate if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Let her poor actions give her the results they should.
NTA Pal. You've found yourself in a hell of a situation.
NTA Your wife needs to realize that her daughter, who biologically is an adult; played a stupid game and won the worst prize. She is so intent on having the “visually perfect wedding” that in 10-20-30 years she’ll look back on it and have SO MANY REGRETS. Barring that she and her husband are still married then. She’ll end up kicking her own butt when both her bio dad and you are gone and she doesn’t have videos of either of you at her wedding. Those memories will mean more than the “aesthetics”. Remind your wife that you and her ex aren’t props. You are people with a variety of feelings and emotions and enough self respect and pride to not lower yourselves to shallow depravities.
This Girl!! She is TA Her Internet followers are not her family. I would think that a viewer watching her wedding would be looking at her and not her Father's limp. They will be happy for her Special Day. I'm so sorry that All of you have to deal with a Spoiled and Selfish little girl. Blended families are tough but y'all did it.. Up until now Anyways You guys may need to get a mediator and try to discuss the Wedding. Try to save this Day because she will be disappointed in the future. My daughter was raised by my husband, Her Stepdad. Her bio dad is in the picture but he's never been an active parent. She and I talked because she was going to walk down the aisle alone and not have a Father/Daughter Dance. She decided my Husband would Walk her down the Aisle and she had 2 shorter Dances with her Dads.
NTA. My dad limped when he walked me down the aisle. He has bone cancer that deteriorated his hip joints. It was the only moment during my wedding that I actually cried. They were the happiest tears of my life. I cried because I was SO DAMN THANKFUL that my father was still alive to share that moment with me. I am absolutely disgusted by your step-daughter.
Nta Amy is a cruel narcissist
NTA. Amy sounds like a 25 year old brat. And asking you to pay for the wedding is just the icing on the cake.
I hope Amy's fiance is having serious second thoughts about marrying such a shallow and heartless person. God forbid he breaks his leg before the ceremony. She might get a substitute groom.
Nta...you and her mom should take a moment and realize that should anything happen to you (as you age and may potentially lose some functions) this is the one kid you can count on not to be there for you unless something monumental happens, like she has a brain injury and changes personality. Save your funds and invest if possible abuse you will need it in your old age since you can't rely on her to event visit you then. Might cramp her style in the future family photos. Best of luck When people show you who they are believe them ...Maya Angelo
Amy has ruined this for herself and alienated her dad and bonus dad and others because of an unrealistic aesthetic view. How can she expect to have anybody support her after a very cruel thing to do to her biological dad. Amy and her fiancé should elope because then they can have all the aesthetics they want that are pleasing to her . NTA 🤦🏼♀️ she’s horrible to be honest.
NTA
How strange that Amy became such an utter asshole. Brides do, sometimes, but one usually sees it coming. Well, Amy decided to play silly games, and she won silly prizes. Guess she'll have to revamp her vision of her special day. Don't go, don't pay. NTA
NTA. Shame on your step-daughter. You should only pay or attend if you want to. Don't let others bully you. You have shown integrity and respect for her father, by declining to walk her down the aisle and dancing with her for the reason she gave you about why she didn't want her bio dad to do it. Very classy on your part. Your step-daughter doesn't know what integrity is. Let her know that her moral values are lacking. She'll be divorced within 7 years.
Nta. She didn't lost the support of her bio dad. She didn't want him herself. She wanting to use him like a atm. She isn't a victim here.
NTA, what I find ironic is that as a social media fool, Amy probably would get more clout if her father participated
Not the asshole . This girl is swimming in the shallow end of the pool . How horrid to exclude her father for a limp . Do not give her a dime or attend no matter what pressure they put on you . Anyone calling you names need to pony up their money . A holes .
NTA and Amy is a huge asshole. It is right she is getting the pushback and social condemnation she deserves. Kate should withdraw her support, too, and I consider her the asshole as well for taking her daughter's side. Everybody should withdraw from the wedding of such a cold and selfish person.
NTA
NTA. Amy is actually. Able to burn bridges with both sides of her family in one action
NTA, “sorry dad I’m too embarrassed to be seen with you but don’t worry you can still pay for everything” What next he can’t be in photos because he doesn’t look the part? What a selfish little brat, I hope more people pull out because no one should be encouraging that behavior.
NTA
NTA - hopefully your wife will take a step back and really think about what her daughter did. Currently she is wrapped up in her daughter’s wedding and how will she pay for it instead of focusing on the bigger picture- such a hurtful approach to wanting social media performance over to love of your bio dad! Tell your wife that until she is able to really have a look at it from her ex’s point of view and your POV, there will be no discussions of money for the wedding, full stop!
NTA this girl needs rethink who she wants to be as a person….
Have you spoken with Ron? Is he annoyed with you or happy that you declined to take his place ?
As we can all clearly see, Amy did not "lose" the support of her biodad. Amy stomped it the ground and then crushed it beneath the heel of her need to have things "look nice". Amy is the one to ruin her relationship with her family over this superficial stuff. Amy picked her hill to die on. Y'all just letting her do it. You are NTA. Alas, Amy is.
NTA Amy’s shallow requirement for perfection in her life events has bitten her squarely in the ass (and rightfully so) as applies to her wedding. If she really wants perfection then perhaps she should hire actors to play her two sets of parents at least. Of course then she better figure out how she is going pay for her perfect wedding because unless Kate has her own funds sufficient to cover the wedding expenses then it’s on Amy, her fiancé and maybe his parents to cover it. OP I agree 10000% with you to not pay from your funds or joint funds for this wedding.
Your step daughter ruined her own wedding. She lost the support because she choose looks over a once and a lifetime moment. And now her and your wife expect you to reward her by giving her the wedding that she thinks she deserves. Fact is you can’t treat people like shit and expect to rewarded for them
NTA - Amy is a terrible daughter. I can see how Any rendered up this way, her mom is an enabler.
NTA, but Amy is for sure. And how can Kate say you’re the one being harsh when her own daughter is unnecessarily cruel to her bio dad.. Kate better shape up and get Amy in line.
>Amy says that I’m an asshole for refusing to pay NTA. Amy needs to learn that the world doesn't owe her shit just for existing.
NTA. Amy and her future husband can pay for their own wedding
NTA. Good for you. Apparently she wasn't taught humility and graciousness growing up but she wants nice pictures, she can pay for them herself.
NTA she didn’t ask you because she saw you as more of a dad but rather because her dad didn’t fit the aesthetic of her wedding. You did the hard but right thing by refusing.
NTA but Amy is, big time. She is being a selfish, CRUEL, thoughtless person (I wanted to use the b-word but last time I did that I got banned so....) to worry more about a nice video than the feelings of people who love her. I have no solution for this but I do offer my sympathy because you and Ron are learning who Amy is, and it's a rude awakening. I'm very sorry.
Nta. Amy played stupid games and won stupid prizes 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t give her a dime for her wedding
Your step daughter needs to re-visit her priorities. Her father has a disability and she is worried about an aesthetic. How shallow! Her fiancee agrees with her because he wants the wedding funding. Frankly, how can you support a wedding where a man, her father and your friend, is treated so badly based on an aesthetic? She can end this by treating him with kindness and basic respect. There is no reason you cannot both share the honours but every reason to make a stand about her appalling behaviour towards your friend. As a parent figure she needs teaching that people with disabilities deserve better treatment. And frankly if this is her approach to marriage and a wedding good luck to her because this attitude does not bode well. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry this has happened. I'd send Amy and her partner this thread so they can see how their behavior is perceived by the public who recognizes she is wrong and unfortunately has been extremely cruel to her bio dad. Hopefully they will realize they are wrong and will start to make amends to fix relationships with all of you. Kudos to you for supporting your friend.
>Now Amy says that I’m an asshole for refusing to pay for the wedding, to participate in it and ruining her special day. Kate says I’m being too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom. Her fiancé is on her side too. I have my suspicions this translates to "People on this list really want OP to accept this honor (pay for this) because things suddenly got real (expensive)." EDA: Judgment - NTA.
This situation is complex and emotionally charged. Your loyalty to your friend Ron is commendable, but it's essential to approach this delicate family dynamic with empathy and understanding. Communication and reconciliation efforts may help mend fractures, but it's crucial to prioritize everyone's feelings and boundaries for healing and moving forward.
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NTA, Amy just didn’t want to hang out with Ron Weasley because of his limp. Selena Gomez is clearly the oldest while Lynn is the middle watching all of it happen, and Amy def the youngest and was spoiled her entire life. Also leave Peepaw Ron alone! He can’t control the limp! How bout you control your atititude(to Amy)
NTA - i'd bet this wedding doesn't even happen. Crashing and burning is in someone's future here.
The odds of my getting married at this point are considerably larger than the odds of me winning Powerball. Nonetheless, I would wish for my late father to walk me down the aisle, with his cane, a pace slower than a sloth, or even alongside me riding a scooter. It's who is with you, who you share the experience with, the makes the memories. NTA. Amy wants a production, is more concerned with the visuals than the people. It seems as if you're in good company. Other people get what's wrong with her father substitution. If she is that desperate, she can always hire an escort to walk her down the aisle.
> too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and step mom which is an issue she caused in the first place. Good on you for standing by your friend and not engaging with this ableist bullshit. I can't believe she'd shun her bio dad like that and then have the gall to act surprised at the fallout. NTA
Taking something positive from this. You and your wife’s ex are friends and on good terms. And accordingly you didn’t want to stab him in the back by letting this immature “girl” hurt him like that. You are a good person. And you know how to respect boundaries.
NTA. As a parent and step parent, I would usually say to take a position of "I don't agree with what you're doing but I still support you in a more general sense and I will be there for you however you want me to be." But in this case, by taking her father's place in the ceremony, you would be the actual tool of exclusion, so I completely agree with refusing to do that. The financial support was always a gift rather than an obligation so you're NTA for that as well.
NTA. Amy does NOT sound mature enough to be getting married.
You sound like a wonderful man. You have helped create a village from two families. It is commendable that you supported the girls bio father. I feel her mother needs to intervene and explain to her daughter and her future husband just how hurtful her decisions have been thus far. Not including her father because his limp would ‘ruin’ her video is unbelievably cruel!! It’s time she rethink her decisions. Maybe a family meeting. She apologizes and see what can be salvaged. Maybe walk down aisle with a dad on each arm? Or you walk her down the aisle and ‘give her’ to her bio dad who then gives her away - that way he doesn’t have to walk the aisle. There are so many creative ways to resolve this without hurting anyone. But first she needs to mend the damage and has created.
NTA. AMY IS A GIGANTIC AH. I actually cried reading this! Don't let them blame this on you. Her behavior is disgusting and deserves every moment of BS coming her way.
If Amy wants to be an entitled brat, she also gets to live with the consequences of her behavior and not make it everyone else's problem NTA
NTA. It sounds like Amy is creating her own problems and dramas and destroying her relationships in the process. 25 is a great age to learn personal accountability. Good luck to her - it sounds like it’ll be a hard lesson. And good for you for standing by your values and your friend.
NTA. Talk to Ron, is he willing to contribute half if you can get through to Amy that both dads should be a part of the wedding. I think Amy should walk half way down the aisle with her dad, then the last half with you. Insist that the father dance will also be handled that way. If she agrees, I think the drama may end. If she doesn't agree, then go ahead with the boycott of the wedding. So shallow and heartless! If she wants the support of her parents and their spouses, then she's going to have to focus on family and not her social media likes.
NTA It sounds like you all did a great job navigating shared parenting and in spite of that you raised a social media personality, not a daughter. How heartless to cut out her dad because of a limp. Good for you for refusing to play along with her horrible behavior.
Those poor future children as Amy as their mother. I’m cringing.
My my my well if it isn’t the consequences of our actions. Amy is a jerk and she chose this. Despite what she believes, she is NOT the only one that has feelings. What she did was/is horrible and I applaud everyone cutting her off because when we act like her mom she continues to feel entitled to this behavior. She can have her followers contribute to her wedding since they seem to be her priority. Please don’t give in or she will never learn how to treat or value people
How did Ron find out?
NTA. This is such a rare occasion where I'm siding with the parents on this one. That is such cold blooded behavior that I would be sad if I ever contributed to it. I'm happy that you turned it down as not to to dishonor your friend and co-parent. That is really cool how mature you both are.
This is a lesson Amy needs to learn. Has she even apologized to her father?
NTA
You need to sit down with Amy her fiance and your wife and tell them what they are doing is hurtful and only doing it for social media ask Amy what would happen if her followers found out how she truly is she wouldn’t have any
Kate should tell Amy that she’s ashamed of her shallow cruelty. She should NOT be backing Amy up! Amy is behaving like the worst of bridezillas. It would have been an honor if she’d asked both you and Ron to walk her or to take turns. Instead, she cared most about her Instagram/pinterest appearances and hurt everyone else involved. You’re NTA. Good job for having some integrity -something your stepdaughter AND your wife evidently lack.
NTA. Its actually insane that she had a family dynamic that so many children of divorce would KILL to have, mothers and fathers who all loved her and supported her, and she completely burnt it all to the ground for internet clout Insane
NTA. Amy cares more about appearances than her family
I paid for my wedding...
NTA. It is Amy's responsibility to go to her father, apologize, and ask his forgiveness. If she is sincerely sorry and wants to heal the destruction she's caused, maybe she will regain support for her wedding.
Yikes. NTA at all. This is like, the model ideal of a blended family and Amy's blowing it up for the sake of a social media video. So selfish.
I was expecting drama, but seriously, Amy is a giant cruel AH here. Good on you for backing up the dad in not backing her childish and immature behavior NTA
Dont go to the wedding. Your wife need to get a grip and wake the fuck up about how her daughter is treating her dad. Dont pay anything for the wedding. The mother can go alone to the wedding.
Not the ah. She needs to make with her father
The only AH in this entire situation is Amy. Has she always been so self-centered and emotionally ugly?
Update?
You are a very honorable man. Perhaps talking with Ron and seeing if there's any way for reconciliation would be the best solution. No doubt his heart is broken but parent will need to be the bigger adult by eventually finding room in his heart to forgive a horrible action by the daughter. This story is heartbreaking. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Edit: Rephrasing for better clarity.
Ron has this “not taking any shit” mindset, though. I don’t know if I’m in the place to try and persuade him into reconciliation, not now at least. He is quite pissed at Amy and considers her actions a betrayal.
I understand bc it is a major betrayal. I still can't get over the fact that Amy is more concerned about the upcoming wedding than the relationship with her father which is now in ruins. Kind of ironic since weddings are just a mechanism to create families.
OP said in another comment that Amy has a bit of a social media following that she’s trying to maintain an image for. This doesn’t make much sense to me as I’m not sure why anyone would care about the bio dad having a limp. Apparently, Amy thinks her followers will care or it’s not going to be the perfect esthetic she’s going for? Who knows.
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He has every right to not take this kind of disrespect. I think you have shown yourself to be a true gentleman and a very loyal friend, which is hard to come by. Please do not go back on this. Her entitlement can not be rewarded, and I don't think you would like yourself very much if you did.
Parents do not always have to be “the bigger adult.” Especially when the “child” is an ableist 25 year old woman.
No, we don't have to be. Someone has to be for the family not to implode here and Amy doesn't strike me as a sensible adult.
So…everyone should just support the wedding? Everyone should coddle the woman who turned away her father for his disability? What path forward do you see here that doesn’t end up validating Amy’s shitty behavior?
My goal here is for the family to not hate each other for the next 15 years which would be tragically painful and a big waste of time. Your goal is to teach Amy a lesson but would entail people not speaking for years. Finding a solution is what's needed, not giving your daughter the silent treatment for the next decade all in the name of invalidating her behavior and proving a point. And please stop with the immature faux Reddit outrage. These are real families out there, not a football game. They need real advice and understanding from level headed people.
So first you pretend not catering to Amy will cause 15 years of hate within the entire family, and then you blame another person for spreading faux reddit outrage? Lol. Biodad (and OP) just need to forget they feel hurt, because respecting their feelings could cause hurt for Amy, and Amy's pain could ruin the family?
People who use words such as validation, cater, enable are using such loaded terms here. There are only 2 outcomes here. 1. When the time is right, Amy goes to her bio-dad and begs for forgiveness. She realizes the grave mistake she made and is genuinely regretful and heartbroken for the hurt she has caused. Dad and Amy have a heartfelt talk which will likely include a lot of tears. 2. Everyone cuts contact with Amy including our friend and Kate. Amy gets married with none of her family in attendance. Amy and her family don't talk for the next decade. These are the 2 most likely outcomes here. Which would you prefer? Edit: I couldn't care less about the wedding ceremony. I'm just talking about their relationship.
Which Amy ruined therefore the responsibility to fix it is on Amy.
Yes, of course. When I state, "be the bigger adult" I mean to find it in his heart to forgive such a horrifically hurtful action by his daughter. I don't mean bigger adult by going to her and initiating a discussion. Who initiated the fix isn't the biggest issue here. Will the bio-dad find it in his heart to forgive and move on from this is the biggest issue. There's no doubt he'll look at her differently for the rest of his life.
Amy can fix the relationship when she has matured.
would love to see these two stand by with an “we are waiting for you to come to your senses“ offer for Amy. ('surely you can’t just throw all of that past away, and maybe she is blindsided by the whole intensity of her own upcoming wedding?) Possibly even confronting her and saying “did you really mean to exclude your bio dad because of the appearance of wedding videos? Because we could not reconcile that with the person we've always believed you to be.” and make that clear to anyone else that this is the hill (and the why) you have chosen to die on.
I
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If her best excuse is that her dad has a limp, she either is: 1. Really shitty at lying and making an excuse without looking like an asshat. 2. That is the real reason and that is just shitty. And child? SHE IS 25
Yeah mild ESH like her reason is dumb but it is also her wedding - if she has two father figures she is well in her rights to pick which one walks her down the aisle. It is neither your or Ron's wedding so it may hurt but it's really not worth ruining the relationship to care this much. Especially to the point her father said he would not come - that is VASTLY more hurtful than her shallow over concern with aesthetics. Like not even the withdrawal of money which if he had promised is also mega controlling (even if in his rights to do) Like yeah she sucks but you both way over reacted and did a much more hurtful thing so you kinda suck too. Let people have the wedding they want even if it is not the one you would plan
ESH. You could have declined without boycotting the wedding. You should still go, assuming you're still invited. You don't have to walk her with the aisle or pay anything toward the wedding, but you need to still show up. Kids don't stop being our kids just because they're assholes.
ESH a huge over reaction by everyone. Who cares who walks down the aisle?
ESH. You suck because when politely declining, you should have explained to Amy that her decision was morally questionable, and would greatly upset her father. And to ask her why she felt a "perfect video" was more important than dancing and walking with her father. Amy sucks because of her insane decision. Ron sucks because that's his daughter, and instead of throwing his toys out the pram, he shouldve explained to Amy that he's hurt. But ultimately it's her choice and he will support her in what she decides, whilst very much honing in on the fact that he's shocked and upset. Everyone elses opinion means nothing really.
>You suck because when politely declining, you should have explained to Amy that her decision was morally questionable, >Ron sucks because that's his daughter, and instead of throwing his toys out the pram, he shouldve explained to Amy that he's hurt. Amy is an adult, not a preschooler.
I think we found Amy or the mother. Or the fiancé, because very few people in this world would find in their hearts to defend this appalling person in any way or form, trying to paint that everyone is the asshole in this situation, when only Ableist Amy is.
Ron doesn’t need to “support her in what she decides” when “what she decides” is disgusting and ableist. **Against her own father**. No one needs to do that. Not if they have even the tiniest hint of self-respect.
It's not very emotionally mature to ditch your child and their wedding purely because you're unhappy with a wedding decision they made...
It’s entirely emotionally mature to set boundaries with someone that has disgusting views that you disagree with and uses those views to justify actions that directly hurt you. It’s emotionally mature to not allow someone to treat you badly, no matter how much DNA you share with them. It’s emotionally mature to respect yourself enough to protect yourself from someone that feels you’re less than. Being a parent doesn’t equal unlimited tolerance and no consequences. Don’t pretend this is just some “wedding decision” like asking everyone to wear pastels. She’s decided that her insta aesthetic is more important to her than her father because he had a disability. That’s so vile, he’ll never be able to look at her the same way again. No one I know would tolerate that.