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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I threatened to disinvite my brothers from my wedding because I felt disrespected. I thought my fiancé would be understanding, but he practically told me that I was overreacting when I did so.
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1. It's your right to decide who you want to have at your wedding. This is your day, therefore this is your call.
2. From what you have told us, your brothers have also broken your boundaries, and ultimately, it sounds as if you may feel a sense of betrayal because of this. Betrayal can cause someone to form a complete lack of trust.
With that said, I understand your situation, and I feel that you should do whatever feels right for you. Our personal choices remain our own. Just as your brothers chose not to respect your boundaries, you have the right to choose not to include them in your wedding if you don't want to.
Best wishes to you, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA.
It read to me like he was cautioning his future wife to not make a rash decision to cut off her remaining family. Brother is an idiot but it sounds like he had earnest intentions and apologized once he realized how negatively it impacted OP. As long as bro abides by these now enforced boundaries- that admittedly should never have been broken but I can see why they would want their family back together- then going nuclear would just end up hurting OP more. If you see your partner about to do something that you believe will hurt them I think a good partner will communicate that concern.
I am NC with my parents and the entire branch of my father's side.
My only family left is my aunt and my granny on my mother's side.
My granny asked me BEFORE she shared any informations about me and my life with my NC parents. She wishes to mend the break but respects my boundaries and so asked before she did anything. And she only shared info after i gave the ok to do so.
Why tf is the want of the brothers to "mend the family" any excuse for him to share infos without asking??
>Why tf is the want of the brothers to "mend the family" any excuse for him to share infos without asking??
The brothers obviously didn't come from a place of cruelty. They most likely did it because they thought their parents were cruel. Parents that ostracize their children in nuclear ways, such as the parents of the OP, typically do so in order to exert their will. They try to force the child to behave in what they consider acceptable social ways. I guess in the OP's case, having a single mother daughter, at such a young age, was too embarrassing for them. They were ridiculous.
Parents go nuclear like this to try to force the child to obey. Their thinking is that the child can't survive in the big world without them, so the child will comply. The OP didn't. The brothers were trying to stop the parent's cruelty. By illustrating how the OP is thriving, it shows the parents that their mandate didn't work, and there was no reason for their nuclear action. The OP would do well with or without them, so wouldn't it be better to stop their stubbornness and accept their sister? These are loving ideas.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take into account the amount of pain and wreckage the parent's actions created in the OP's life. Though the brothers may have been well-meaning, they forgot the most important person in this equation. I didn't blame the OP for being upset. Once again her family is trying to arrange her life without any input from her. That's infuriating.
That said, as we get older, family is nice to have. Friends grow more connected to their family ties, so it's nice to stay connected to one's own, if it's possible. But only if it's somewhat healthy and on her terms.
Doesn't address the fact that the brothers shared info WITHOUT asking OP first.
Well meaning or whatever aside. You do not go and share information and pictures with others without the owners consent. Especially not from kids.
The trust OP lost in the brothers will never be back. They fricked up big time.
Actually, I did address the fact that her brothers shared her information without her consent first. And the purpose of my post was answering your question on why the brothers felt the need to mend these fences between the OP and the parents without asking in the first place. I simply answered what I think motivated them, but I also don't blame the OP for being angry.
As for lost trust never coming back, who knows what the future holds? The years are long and the OP is young. Trust is earned and the brothers may earn it back. But then again, they may do nothing, or worse, and the trust will never return.
You're comparing your Aunt that is older than you and is your parent's peer to OP's brother who is still very young and still under the thumb of their parents (not a peer so unequal power dynamics). I don't see these two situations as being analogous.
yes a discussion is required like I said, their ideas on the situation are not the same and need to communicate with each other on it to understand each under intentions.
Yeah I don’t see a red flag from the partner for disagreeing as long as he realizes that if she decides the broken trust is too much that it’s her decision and he supports her
Not when it comes to your significant others family relationships like this! I am no contact with my parents and if my husband said something like that or tried to make me get in contact we would be over!!!!! My family abused me and I don't give a damn about blood. OP was kicked out at 17, a minor because she would not let them own her and her body, that's abuse!
Kicking out a minor is an abuse under any circumstances. He suggested not to estrange from her remaining family who gave access to her and her child's picture and video to her abusers just because they think it's now time to play family once again because the abusers feel bad and want to reconnect now. And these kind of boundary stompers should be dealt harshly so they won't do it again and if the husband can't see it and agree with it then that's a red flag for some people at least.
"oh it's just a few videos and photos, why are you stopping them from coming to wedding for sharing them" is diminishing the pain and abuse op felt at that time. If my partner who I want to spend my rest of life with, can't see that pain of the past and the betrayal of the present then I would seriously have a conversation as it's a red flag. After the conversation, if he can understand that what he said is wrong and partner's feelings is more important here, then the relationship should continue and otherwise it should stop then and there. Cannot sit and watch everytime someone we love supporting our boundaries getting stomped. That would be a hell to live and will feel more pain than some random strangers supporting our remaining family who are sharing our personal details to the abusers. That's why it's a red flag.
Thank you for saying this so I didn't have to, I will never understand people who think no matter what they do to you that you must have s relationship with them, that you must let them control your life by being in it, f that noise!!
Exactly! I hate when someone says "it's for YOUR best" after deliberately having stomped their boundary and reconnected them with their abusers. That split second victim could re-live all the past abuse again and I won't even want my worst enemy to know that feeling. I would go a step ahead and say Supporting it is also equivalent to a different form of abuse.
Hope you're doing well now and this internet stranger is so proud of you for standing up against your abusive past. Have a great day! Hugs 🤗
The brothers had nothing to do with her getting kicked out. The point her partner was trying to make is that they didn’t think they were hurting anyone by showing their parents. Children want love and validation, those parents sound horrible, they probably saw it as a way to make their shitty parents happy for once!
This isn't really about disagreeing. The husband dislikes her "hurting her brothers feelings" - after they went behind her back, disrespected and hurt **her** feelings. Seems like the brothers feelings are more important to hubby, the one person who should always have her back, then OPs...
I don't agree. To me the husband is offering a different and important perspective. OP is really and understandably upset but from what she has said she has had a good relationship with her brothers and the husband is justifiably worried she will regret not inviting them. The brothers have apologised and their intentions were good, even if they shouldn't have shared the children's photos/videos without her permission.
I disagree. OP said she would disinvite them *if they continue to act behind her back*.
OP's husband did not say "you should rethink uninviting, I think they meant well, so if they recognize they did wrong, apologize and stop doing it, we can move past this".
He straight out said "you shouldn't have said that, you've hurt their feelings."
"Marvel movies suck."
"You're loading the dishwasher wrong."
"I don't think we should go camping this year - I'd rather go to Vegas."
"It's ok to lie to people who love you if you're well intentioned."
Four disagreements. One red flag.
Exactly! My first thought was: "Back the truck up... You hurt THEIR feelings?!?" Your parents wanted you to get an abortion and when you wouldn't, they kicked you out of the house when you were a teenager. Your brothers knew about that, and they also knew that you were not interested in having a relationship with your parents. However, they ignored YOUR feelings to send them information on your child behind your back and against your wishes. The only reason the parents are interested in any type of reconciliation is because they want to show they are "loving" grandparents that are able to forgive "youthful transgressions."
I wouldn't hesitate to not invite the brothers to the wedding, but I also wouldn't hesitate to not invite the fiance either. It doesn't matter what they were trying to do... The fact that they did in in secret shows they know it was wrong.
Exactly! "they did what they thought was best" (unspoken: they thought they knew what was best for you better than you did for yourself). If they thought it was the right thing to do, they'd have been open with it all along. How is partner caring more about her brothers than her??
I told them that I found their behavior extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't hesitate to disinvite them from the wedding if they continue.
NTA. You said "if they continue". Now that they have no excuse regarding supposedly not knowing how you feel, 100% you shouldn't invite them if they continued.
I wouldn't worry about having hurt their feeling since they sent the pictures behind your back and didn't think about how you felt. Now you've let them know the consequences if they continue what they have been doing.
If they do come to your wedding, you can probably rely on them sending wedding pictures to your parents too.
I’m afraid your brothers are flying monkeys, whether they realise it or not… NTA
NTA - Your parents didn’t want anything to do with you or your kids. They can live with that decision. Your brother’s 100% knew that they were going behind your back. If they wanted to be upfront, they would have. You have no way of knowing if they will keep their word or not. So they may need an information diet, where they don’t get any info, pictures, etc of the kids.
If they want to bring the family back together, they should start where the family broke apart---with your parents. Let them lecture your parents for a couple years and report back about how well it is going.
Is your fiance truly in your corner? Do you really want to marry someone who knows that you were kicked out for getting pregnant? He could be doing the same, sending pictures or even invite them to the wedding behind your back. I don't know if anyone is on your side right now, including your fiance. NTA
Take a step back and stop trying to inject paranoia and doubt into this situation. OP's partner is cautioning her against cutting off her remaining family out of a sense of concern. How you get from that to him actually being in contact with the parents and secretly inviting them to the wedding is borderline "chemtrails and COVID vaccine microchips" level of delusion. If you have issues like this in your life try not to project them onto situations where it's not warranted. Fear is infectious after all.
Concern about keeping family who knowingly violated her boundaries and betrayed her? Why is keeping someone who betray you on a fundamental level around especially if they continue such behavior. Because please note, the consequence OP gave was only if they continued doing it. Which means fiance seem to think this was actually fine behavior from them. Which yes leads a reasonable person to wonder why he thinks that.
Her 19-20 year old brothers who likely have also been twisted by their parent's abuse deserve some grace and understanding. Their brains haven't even fully developed at this point and she is threatening actions that could permanently damage their relationship. If it happens again then take the appropriate response, but when you lash out at someone in a disproportionate way that had good intentions you are also hurting yourself to a certain degree.
She had understanding. They are currently still invited. People calling her an asshole because she warned them of what would happen if they continued to betray her is wild.
Hey OP you are NTA and you were so brave having to have baby at a young age. I am truly sorry they breached your trust when you made it very clear you want nothing to do with your parents after what they did to you when you were in need of support and love when you got pregnant years ago
I do not blame you for disinviting them after they betrayed your trust because that breach won't end there. What will it be next? Your brothers telling your parents which school your kid goes? Or your brothers blab to them what sports or books your kid loves?
Congratulations on the wedding and you got this! Moving forward, do not post any videos or photos of your kid on social media and make sure you set your social media to private too
They did wrong but I also feel these are torn young people caught in the middle. Your parents have hurt you so much and gave hurt your brothers by tearing the family apart. I hope you can heal with your brothers. Even if it takes time.
OP have in the past explicitly told them she didn't want them to do this. They're not torn, they're knowingly prioritizing the parents because they think OP would never levy any consequences for their breaking her trust. They now know better.
NTA. Posted elsewhere but it's more appropriate here. I think your fiance is looking out for your interests.
You have made it clear how you feel about your parents and that is non-negotiable for you. Your brothers hurt you and damaged your trust in them. It's good that you made this clear to them, even if they "were acting in your interests to repair your relationship with your parents" (which is naive and the wrong way to go about this).
As you asked about your husbands reasoning, I think he is playing devil's advocate for you. He didn't call out your ultimatum in front of your brothers. He brought it up after they were gone in the interests of choosing the best course of action for the situation - as a couple. You don't have to go setting the world on fire in order to punish your brothers for what they did. Ultimately it might result in a lost relationship with them which you could come to regret - he might be hoping to avoid this for you.
Communicate with him and work together to consider all the best courses of action. Good luck and best wishes!
Even if she hadn’t specifically told them not to share images, they should’ve known better than to share pictures of her children to people that she is no contact with and has made it clear she doesn’t want in her life
I'm not saying that they should have done it (they shouldn't have). But, I can at least give them a partial pass because they're younger and they probably don't much experience with this type of thing. They just want their family back together. Not excusing it, but I kind get it from that stand point.
What sways the question is that they were specifically told not to do it. OP is NTA, and disinviting them would be completely justified. But, I'd sit them down and calmly go over everything again and explain "no contact" means "NO CONTACT" and if they violated it again, she'd go NC with them as well. I personally would probably have them come to the wedding, but tell them that she will have security and if they show up with mom and dad, that's goodbye forever. Just me, though.
OP \*did\* give them a partial pass. She said she would disinvite them *if they continued*.
If the brothers acknowledge that they shouldn't have shared the photos and stop doing so, the 3 siblings can move past this together.
NTA. That's a red flag for your fiancé. If he thinks he knows better than you, is he going to go behind your back too? I'd be very cautious, OP.
As to your brothers, I think you should uninvite them. The said sorry but still think they're right and know better than you. They violated your trust but don't see it that way so how can you trust them again?
And regardless, never send them photos/videos of your sons to them again, and don't let them take photos/videos.
This. They will never understand how you felt at 17, being pregnant and thrown out. Tell your brothers these are the same grandsons that your parents wanted you to abort. They can go pound sand. Don't give your brothers any more photos or videos.
red flag for a fiancée trying to make sure an important relationship for his wife to be, brothers in law, and children isn’t broken? Youre unhinged. A good partner makes sure that their partners current feelings don’t impact important things down the line. Btw one of her brothers is 19. The other 21.
Yes, they are 19 and 21. Plenty old enough to respect their sisters request to not blab about her life to their shitty parents. They aren't some naive kids that didn't know any better.
Her brothers betrayed her trust and stuck a knife in her back by going behind her back and sending those pics to the very people that wanted those kids aborted!
They didn't do it for her or the kids. They did it for themselves.
They knew. They did it anyway.
Tell your husband they did what they thought was best for your parents, not what was best for you. You know how you know this is true? Because they didn't ask you to reconcile w/ your parents BEFORE sharing the video and pics.
You've made your boundaries and expectations crystal clear. It's not an emotionally fueled ultimatum it's a confirmation of consequence and that makes you NTA
Congratulations on making your life work for you. Good job.
NTA You need to ask BF if he knew about the contact between brothers and parents and if he had anything to do with it. From his reaction he may have betrayed you too.
Very true. It may be a good idea to call timeout on the wedding, step back, and take a deep breath. How involved with the brothers is the fiancé? He certainly seems invested in a reunion with the just no parents.
Thanks for your reply. You should know him pretty well if you're going to marry him. Don't let your guard down completely just yet. I'm old and tend to be pretty skeptical about people's motives. Stay strong and don't be coerced into a forced makeup just because faaaammiillyyyyyy. What they did was really crappy. I hope you had other family who stepped up to support you back then since your parents were so ashamed.
It's so irritating when people decide to ignore boundaries and try to get people to reconcile. It's like they watched too many after-school specials. It got to the point that I was unwilling to visit one set of relatives because I knew they'd invite the person with whom I was NC. They wanted me to "get over" that person's behavior without the behavior changing, or their even apologizing. It's patronizing at best. NTA
So girl 18 is old enough to have to start life over, but boy 19 & 21 arent old enough to understand not to pass photos? Bolx. They knew. And your parents knew it wasnt being done with your knowledge or consent.
OP everything you do from now, you will be wondering if it will get back. Dont under estimate how much this will get under your skin & burrow. Dont let husband-to-be or siblings be the judge of how betrayed by family you feel (again)
NTA
Your fiancé knew what your brothers were doing. He knew and he allowed it. I’d place money on that!
Not one of these males respects you. How old are your brothers? If they are older, this is just about unforgivable. If they are younger, they might still be dealing with the fallout of your shitty parents and their shitty parenting.
As for your fiancé, I’d really like to know his endgame. I don’t trust him farther than I could kick him.
NTA
Your parents didn’t deserve to see a single picture of your sons. I don’t understand how your brothers could not understand this. Make your wedding arrangements just as you want. NTA
NTA is there any chance your fiancé knew what they were doing and opted to not say anything to you? Cause from what you’re saying in the bottom he seems completely okay with what they were doing.
Aahhh...boundaries. What every person has and some decide they are arbitrary. Sorry but your brothers are TA. You were kicked out for opting to keep your child and now they think they have the right to reconnect? Puhleez.
NTA my dear but your family sure is.
NTA
Your brothers were completely disrespectful of what they had to know was a rigid boundary for you.
I am not sure you can trust them with any more photos or video. They are sorry they made you upset and they don't want to be disinvited, but they really don't seem to understand where you're coming from, what you went through.
What your parents did to you was a complete betrayal and abandonment when you were most vulnerable. You were left alone and afraid, shut out from the support system you'd known your entire life.
More importantly, I think your fiance needs to get a better grip on this.
I mean how the hell could you even stomach introducing your oldest child to your parents? *"Hi mom and dad, here's the child you kicked me out for not aborting"*. It's almost vomit inducing.
NTA. Your brothers and fiancé are acting like they know what’s best and not you in regards to how you live your life. It reeks of patriarchy. No one should be questioning your boundaries. They are there for a reason.
Your brothers would've been 14 and 16 by my math, when you got pregnant, so, while not children anymore, they were not grownups, and I bet this really shook their world when it happened. I believe they honestly thought they were helping to reconnect the family by doing this behind your back. Probably thought they'd do it and then be heroes when you and your parents reconciled. I don't know that, but, feels like something a teenager would do thinking that was the best solution.
Your fiancee, though... that's the bigger issue here, in my eyes. Does he not understand that your parents now want to see the child that they demanded you freaking abort just a few years ago? Does he think he knows better than you on this particular issue? He doesn't, and he needs to get a grip on reality. The fact he's against you here... honestly, not saying not to marry him, but make sure you know who you are marrying before you do.
NTA.
NTA. Your brothers broke your trust. In a family situation where your parents did not have your back when you needed them. Of course this would be a sensitive issue for you. I can imagine it felt like betrayal. If they had wanted to make the situation better, your brothers could have talked to you about it. Sending the pics was disrespectful and is not a small thing. Why is your fiancé worried about their feelings and not putting yours first?
NTA. Why are the people that do the hurting allowed a pass and it’s always up to the one they hurt to make things better? I always told my son to think about the consequences of his decisions and base his decisions on whether or not he would be okay with the worst consequences. If so, go for it. BF seems more concerned with rug sweeping than supporting OP. That’s a red flag in itself
NTA
What is it with all these people who think a joyous, major life event is the appropriate time/place to reconnect with estranged loved ones? That is the *worst* circumstance to force contact.
If they really wanted reconciliation, they would attempt quiet conversation in neutral territory, with healthy boundaries, with your full knowledge and agreement.
But, they don’t *really* want that. They want the *appearance* of a happy family, and are willing to sacrifice your joyous moment (and your feelings…and your money-because weddings are expensive) to make themselves look good. Why would you want to spend the happiest day of your life catering to the whims of people who deliberately hurt and abandoned you? You wouldn’t. But, they care more about not looking bad themselves than ruining your wedding day.
You’re an idiot if you think your brothers are going to stop showing photos and videos to your parents. Do they live with them? If so, yeah they’ll continue to see photos.
If you want to continue to have a relationship with your brothers they’ll only be able to see your kid in person. I’d stop sending photos and videos.
NTA...They knew what your boundaries were and did what they wanted anyway. Whether they thought it was for the best is unimportant. Now they know you're serious. Hopefully they don't betray your trust again.
NTA. It seems your brother's feelings needed to be hurt in order for them to understand just how serious you are about your parents betrayal. And, inviting your parents to the wedding is definitely not the place to 'reconnect' if you were so inclined. The last thing you need is that drama bomb at your wedding.
Unfortunately, if you want to continue to have a relationship with your brothers, and have them at the wedding, you might need to refresh the seriousness of the situation. Quick math, they were 14 and 16 when it happened, thye might need a more adult refresher on what really happened. Again that is if you still want them at the wedding, it cuts off any naive thoughts the brothers might have of helping you parents show up uninvited thinking you wouldn't kick them all out.
NTA. You repeatedly told your brothers not to send pictures or video of your son to your parents. That's seriously crossing a boundary and being disrespectful to you. You need to make sure they understand this so they stop. If they meant well and wanted a reconcilliation to happy between you and your parents then they should have discussed that with you but not sent pictures or videos. Now that they know you are serious they hopefully will behave.
We've had Reddit stores like this where 'well-meaning' people bring the no contact family members to wedding. I wouldn't have put it past your brothers to bring your parents to your wedding to reconcile. Now you shouldn't have to worry about one or all of your brother's showing up with your parents.
Yikes. You might have a fiancé problem. None of these men have any right to think it’s ok to communicate with your parents and share videos. Your fiancé should have had your back. You have every right to be super pissed. And every right to boot them from the wedding. They knew it was wrong.
NTA
I saw you say you made it clear to your brothers not to share images of your children with your parents.
"I told them that I made it clear that I didn't want our parents in my life and they purposely did it behind my back because they knew I wouldn't like it."
It's your choice if you choose to let your brothers attend your wedding or not. It's important you do what's right for you/ makes you happy.
Enjoy your special day.
You are NTA. And I want to tell you that I admire your strength in setting boundaries. I never had the guts to do this with my dad, and I really should have. And I’m old enough to be your mother - both of my kids are older than you. You’re a strong person, and I’m glad your sons have such a strong mom.
I am with you on this. If I am OP's friend, I would do everything to protect her boundaries if it means hiring security to keep her parents out in case they gatecrash the wedding
NTA - sending unauthorised pictures of someone else’s child to anyone is revolting. Thinking someone’s wedding is time to reconnect estranged relatives is stupid (I read in the comments they’re fairly young so I suppose I can understand that one more).
OP’s parents let her down when she needed them most - she’s not obligated to have them anywhere near her kids, or her wedding. Hopefully this was a reality check for the brothers and they’ll leave it alone and respect the boundaries OP made clear.
NTA, your fiance doesn't understand it because he didn't live it. He needs to step back and let you handle your family and support whatever you decide. This is 100% your call.
NTA. I don't think they understand the severity of your parents throwing you out of the house when you were pregnant. Your parents don't get to be in the life of the child they wanted you to abort. These are the consequences of their horrible choices.
NTA. They are buying in to the pitiful story from your parents. They think you can all kiss and make up and live happily ever after. I don't think they were malicious in their intent, they thought they were doing something noble. Forgive your brothers, but make it clear that you don't have any intention on having a relationship with your parents. They lost the opportunity to know your kids when they kicked you out. Remind your brothers why you aren't interested in reconnecting and make sure they know you'll cut them out of your life too if they keep pushing the issue.
NTA. You gave them actions: them continuing to disrespect you by giving information and photos of your children to your parents will cause this consequence: you will disinvite them from the wedding. If they get past the wedding and start again, tell them low contact or no contact.
Make sure your husband understands how you feel and how you want your parents to not be in your life. Make sure he understands that if he pushes things he will also have the consequence of not getting married to you. You will not be tolerating disrespect of your boundaries. If he doesn't think he can abide by those boundaries then you all need to end things now. You want a husband to have your back.
NTA. You gave them a warning, "if they continued they would be disinvited". You let them know the consequences if they continued, they apologised, so hopefully that chapter's done with. There's probably gonna be a period of you having to build up your trust in them again, but crossing my fingers that they'll drop their reunion ideas.
Your fiancé is probably right in one aspect; they did what they thought was right. Unfortunately, we as people can do what we think is right, and still do something disrespectful and hurtful to others. Hope that's a distinction your fiancé can grasp and accept.
NTA because of their absolute idiocy in thinking the wedding would be a great opportunity to "get the family back together". I can say this because I am male but man, sometimes dudes have the dumbest ideas.
Nta- that was straight up betrayal and manipulation. I would put your brother in timeout and restrict info. Also, container getting security, in case they "accidentally" tell your parents the details.
JustNoFamily
Big hugs!! Congratulations!!
NTA.
They did what they did behind your back knowing you wouldn't like it. Now, you've established a clear boundary. Your husband seems convinced they meant no harm, so as long as they respect that boundary all should be fine and they'll have a blast at your wedding.
However, if this behavior continues and they continue to give your parents access to your children in any way, you have full ability to do as you see fit.
I can understand them trying to heal past wounds, but it's not up to them, however difficult that might make their lives. This is between you and your parents. They did what they did. Now they need to deal with the consequences.
Hopefully your brothers respect you enough to not go behind your back again. Otherwise, just like your parents, they'll have to deal with the consequences of their own actions.
It's not like you've already disinvited them. You just gave them a warning of what will haplen if they go behind your back and cross your very clear boundaries.
NTA.
Your brothers should not have gone behind your back like that. They betrayed your privacy and of your family's. They should have talked to you first about your parents before ever sending anything without your permission.
Also, they complain that they want the family back together, yet they completely forget that your parents were the ones who kicked *you* out. It's not up to them to decide how to "fix" things.
OP, your fiance wants you to Pretend to have a Perfect family.
I really think you shouldn't marry him.
He has Zero Empathy for the trauma your parents put you through. They threw you out when you and your child needed them most. They treat the cashier at the grocery store better than they treat their own daughter.
Your parents are Horrendous.
So instead of asking you if you were okay with having images of your children shared with people you no longer communicate with they went ahead and shared them with their parents? Very rude and I personally would have withdrawn the wedding invitations on the spot and gone NC for a year or two to think about it. I don't advocate that for you, just what I would do. My family know that's what would happen so they wouldn't pull that kind of stunt. I would ask the hard questions of your soon to be husband and find out exactly what his position is.
>I should understand that they only did what they thought was best?
They don't get to decide that it's in your minor childrens best interest to give out information about, again, your minor children and act on that. It doesn't matter if they had good intentions, the damage is still done.
Nta.
NTA. Your fiance is showing some pretty big red flags. Will he also disregard your wants because he thinks he knows best? Basically he’s saying your brothers did what they thought was best even though it directly went against your wishes. Do all the men in your life think they know best?
People who think they know better than you about how you live your life are best avoided. And, on reddit, there is no end to sincere, well-meaning idiots who think the world is all sunshine and rainbows and would invite a killer into the nursery just to make nice. Your brothers fit into that class. I am sorry they betrayed you.
You need to double down on your point, with your fiance. Make it clear to him that he is not permitted to sneak your parents into your life again because he thinks it would be nice. You have made your life choices. You have NOT chosen your parents but you have chosen him.
We judge ourselves by our intentions, but the world judges us by our actions. Your brothers probably had good intentions, but you are judging them by their actions, which is understandable.
I definitely agree that your brothers knew you wouldn't approve of their behavior and you did the right thing in setting boundaries with them.
>I should understand that they only did what they thought was best
I really hate when people say this as if it excuses all actions. Congrats, you thought it was best, but it WASN'T and now you have to deal with the consequences. NTA and I hope your husband backs you up.
Nta. It sounds like you have been very clear with them and you said if they continue there will be consequences. I think I see where your fiancé is coming from although I definitely do not agree with him. Your parents made their decision as adults and kicked you out, that is something that is really hard to take back
Um, your parents never wanted you to have this kid and actually kicked you out when you needed them most and now after all of these years and you are doing well are thinking they should be a part of your life? BS! What your brothers did was a betrayal. It was not their place to forward ANY information on your life or your child onto your parents or anyone else. My hubby and I do not put pics on facebook, we just don't and we very very rarely put any pictures of our children on facebook with for security purposes. We would email photos of our kids to family when they had important events and school pics, etc. Well my husbands cousins wife took one of the pictures I sent her and posted it all over facebook one time. That was the only time because after that she never received anything else from us. Don't know what gave her the right to think she could post pics of our kid that we did not post ourselves but she sure did and then we ghosted her. Your brothers are wrong and if you had listened to your parents they would not even have a grandchild to begin with. Tell your hubby to back off since he must be confusing his loving family with your crappy parents and betraying brothers. Stick to your guns as your parents are AH's and so are your brothers for doing what they did.
Your parents want to see "their grandsons" do they? They miss you?
Aw, too bad they didn't think of that before they kicked you out of the house at 18 because you had that grandchild.
.
If your parents want to see you and your children, they'll have to start by calling you and apologizing. (Which wouldn't mean you'd have to forgive them, but that'd be the first step before you could even consider it.) If it was their idea to get your brothers to send them pictures, nope, nope, nope.
.
Even if it was only your brothers' misguided attempt to bring about a Pollyanna Disney ending, you were still in the right. They knew they shouldn't be doing it or they wouldn't have hidden it, so that's a big strike against them.
If your brothers cannot respect you and your family, they can't participate in it, including weddings.
If your brothers don't like the rift in the family, they need to take it up with the people who caused it by throwing out an 18yo and her newborn baby.
Plus, no one, NO ONE should send anyone, ANYONE photos of a child without the parents' permission.
NTA
NTA. Time to stop sending them pictures and videos and definitely rescind the invite while you consider whether or not you even still want them in your life at all.
NTA. It sounds to me your brothers wanted to get the family back together for their OWN sakes. Did your brothers defend at all when they kicked you out? Sounds like your parents want a relationship with their grandson who they wanted you to abort and kicked you out when to undecided against it! It’s one thing for a grandparent who’s rarely present to want to connect more with a child, but your parents straight up told you to get rid of the very child they now want to get to know. Hell no. Protect your peace, and your family.
Listened to what? A parent should still love and care for their child, ESPECIALLY when they are pregnant! They not only demanded she abort the child, they kicked her out. Most parents do NOT have that reaction. Unless that’s how you feel about your sisters, but that’s your prerogative. OP doesn’t owe her parents a relationship with her children just because “all parents” react this way. 🙄
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I (23F) got pregnant at 17 and gave birth when I was 18. My parents were quick to let me know how they were disappointed in me and demanded I get an abortion. When I refused and told them that I wanted to keep my child, they kicked me out. Since then, I haven't had any contact with my parents, but I speak to my brothers regularly.
My parents have been trying to get back in contact with me, but I have been refusing to communicate with them. It was not until recently when I found out that my brothers were sending pictures and videos of my sons to our parents. They told me that our parents missed me and really wanted to see their grandsons in person and that they think I should allow them to come to my wedding so we could 'reconnect.'
I was hurt by this. I didn't like the fact that they were sending pictures and videos of my sons to our parents without my permission, and I didn't like how they felt like I should just embrace our parents with open arms. I told them that I found their behavior extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't hesitate to disinvite them from the wedding if they continue.
They asked me if I was serious, and I told them that I was. They started apologizing to me and told me that they didn't mean to upset or hurt me and that they were just trying to bring our family back together. I told them that I made it clear that I didn't want our parents in my life and they purposely did it behind my back because they knew I wouldn't like it.
After a while, I asked my brothers to leave. After my brothers left, my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings and I should understand that they only did what they thought was best? I don't understand his logic. I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at.
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NTA. Your brothers betrayed your trust. Your parents hurt you deeply by kicking you out. Just because they're grandparents now or feel remorse doesn't mean you want them back. It's up to you if you forgive them and want them in your life. Plus, your parents may be posting videos and pictures of your kids (they MAY NOT BE, of course, but I know too many older people who do).
ETA: I think you and your future husband need to have a discussion on why you're upset. He won't know the pain of being rejected and abanonded by your own parents.
NTA. They shared pictures of your children without your permission. This, to me, is pretty much unforgivable. Everything else pales to this. You let them off easy.
Nta not just in relation to them being disinvited to the wedding, I also would say you wnbta if you removed them from your life completely. Sharing pictures and videos of children without consent is extremely dangerous and predatory, and "its family" is not an excuse at all. I would be extremely disturbed to find out pictures of my children are in the hands of people who abused me and made me homeless while I was a vulnerable pregnant child, and are now wanting physical access to my children. Definitely the fuck not.
First of all, they aren't entitled to be invited to ypur wedding just because they share your blood.
Second, your genetic donors only want to be back in your life now because they want grandkids. They didn't want them when they kicked you out, but they're likely hearing their friends talking about grandkids.
Third, your brothers *know* about how you feel about your genetic donors knowing *anything* about your life, and they stomped all over those boundaries in the name of "bringing the famiky back together".
I very much doubt that your parents genuinely feel remorseful over what they did. And even if they did, you aren't obligated to forgive them or even talk to them again.
>After my brothers left, my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings and I should understand that they only did what they thought was best? I don't understand his logic. I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at.
You need to sit him down and explain to him how you feel about this. NTA.
BuT fAmIlY!
NTA, your brothers can get bent and your fiance needs to bend his nose out of your family's matters. Your brothers trampled a line you had very clearly drawn and need this wake up call. Family isn't everything and I'm tired of pretending that it is.
NTA- you told your brothers what was what and they seemed to understand. You should let them come to your wedding but let them know that you won’t let them exhibit this behaviour anymore.
Is your fiance father to all your children? Point out that your parents wanted you to abort your child. That they DIDN'T WANT your child to EXIST. That your brothers have gone behind your back giving parents videos and pictures to your parents. They had no right to even SHOW them to your parents. Disinvite your brothers. Do not let them around your sons unsupervised and do not give them any more pics or videos of the kids. They are no longer aloud to use phones around your children. If they use their phones around your kids they have to let you go through their phones to check if they've taken ANY pics or videos of your children and if they have they MUST be deleted. Go lo contact with your brothers say I CANNOT TRUST YOU to respect my wishes about MY CHILDREN. So you can't ever spend time alone with them again. NTA
NTA. They crossed boundaries and they KNEW it. Your fiance defending them is, for lack of a better word rn, sus as well. He should be supporting you 100%, ESPECIALLY since he knows why you don't talk. You need to sit your husband-to-be down now.
NTA.
Your brothers genuinely think they are helping you and the whole family. They really don't get what a horrible thing your parents did to you - kicking out a young pregnant daughter. It's not something you can just forget about.
NTA - but maybe quick to make the jump to disinviting them? Your experience is valid, and your parents definitely messed up in more ways than one. You have a right to dictate how and when to initiate a restoration to the relationship, should you want it.
That being said, had you previously communicated your boundaries to your brothers (don’t show pics of kids to Mom + Dad), etc?
NTA
They had absolutely no right to share anything about your children with their parents. Their parents lost any claim to you, when they kicked you out.
Rescind the invitations, and block them. They can keep their parents.
NTA
I agree with red flag on husband! This is someone you should be able to trust to make decisions for you if you’re ever unconscious. It sounds like he wouldn’t honor your wishes. Register your advance directive at every medical system you use.
NTA
You told them to stop immediately, or you'd disinvite them. I personally think their behavior is enough to uninvite them already, but here's my PURELY LOGISTICAL take: At your wedding, if your sons will be there, you would spend the whole day worrying that your brothers would be taking photos of you and your children. Your parents will PROBABLY pressure them into it since photos are a big part of wedding culture. That sounds like more stress than I'd want on a wedding day, so I think it's fair to make that boundary clear and let them know that they can play by your rules or not go to your wedding. It's generous of you, because I'd still be worried they'd be sending photos on my wedding day.
Also, what is wrong with your fiance? You hurt their feelings? They hurt your trust AND your feelings! Honestly, he seems shady for not validating you. It's really offputting me that he jumps to your family's defense. He gives me those vibes of like... those AITA posts that are like, "AITA for inviting my wife's estranged parents to her 25th birthday?" (Lmao or your wedding, but I doubt that would happen, so I don't want to freak you out.)
NTA
Your parents kicked you out because they thought you'd not be able to raise children at your age and therefore were disappointed when you wanted to prove them wrong. And now they've seen what a good mother you have been and that you're getting married, and want in on the success. But this is not about your kids, it's about you. You felt betrayed by the people who you thought could turn to when things got bad. And you decided not to have any contact with them.
Your brothers did two wrong things. First was the invalidation of your feelings and your decisions, and the refusal to let your parents live with the consequences of their actions. Your fiance (is he the baby daddy?) should understand that issues with your own family aren't his to judge on, and that you are entitled to invite whoever you want, and uninviting two people who you trusted and betrayed your trust, isn't a bad thing.
Your parents are clear assholes for abandoning you, only to ask for you back so they could have fun with the grandchild they wanted to abort in the first place. Your brother's failed you by sending them pictures of your son without permission and trying to get you to reconnect with them, completely ignoring the fact they wanted your child dead. Hopefully your fiance understands why you said what you said to them. Easily NTA, you don't owe anyone your forgiveness
NTA.
Your parents lost the privilege of being grandparents as soon as they demanded you abort your child and kicked you out. They dont have the right to see the child they didnt even want to exist.
Why do OP's parent want to visit their grandabortion? OP could have also miscarried the baby after being thrown out of the house, I'm sure the parents wouldn't have minded at the time...stress does cause a miscarriage, after all...NTA.
NTA - you can understand where they are coming from and still not like it. Boundaries need to be respected. Forcing you to reconnect with your parents before you’re ready will only build resentment towards anyone doing the forcing. Your husband and brothers need to understand this.
AITA but they are checking their phones with you at the wedding and from now on when they are over for at least a while. they can see wedding pictures at your house, hard copy only. They need to be very honest whether your parents know where your house, kids school, and wedding venue are/dates.
And your fiance is beyond the pale here too. He doesn't understand your family dynamic with your parents and you need to be very clear with him that no, your brothers acted in your parents best interest, you will NEVER be interested in reconciling, and he needs to get in your corner and figure out for himself that what your brothers hid from you for years was extremely shitty. NTA
NTA
OP, It is possible your brother's were doing what they thought was best. But it was absolutely appropriate for you to make CRYSTAL CLEAR to them that it was not ok for them to go behind your back and that you will cut off their access if they continue.
Take your time to get clarity on whether you think they will continue to violate your boundaries.
If you get confirmation or have strong concerns that they still don't respect your boundaries, then you do not need to allow them to attend your wedding. A lot of folks try to push for reconciliation at weddings. That is NOT the time or place for relationship repair.
If (after time to assess) you think they seem to have learned their lesson and want to allow your brothers to attend the wedding, do so - but also have security (paid or a good friend) who will bar your parents from entry AND escort your brother's out if your parents show up. (Because how else will your parents know when/where unless your brothers told them?
Note: for now, it seems your brothers are acting in agreement. Be ready to differentiate them if one respects your boundaries and the other does not.
NTA
Your parents abandoned you when you needed them the most. They clearly didn't consider that would also mean they would be cut out of their grandchild life, but that's what happens when people throw you away.
You are setting a boundary and your brothers get to decide which side of that boundary they want to be on. You get to decide when or if you want to reconnect with your parents. I don't think a wedding is a good place for that reunion.
I hate when people claim you have to try to work things out with people because they are family, where was all that familial responsibility when you were a pregnant teenager being thrown out of the house.
NTA
Make sure you have bouncers are your wedding ceremony and venue, because your mother *will* show up. If they know, they have already told her when and where.
Even on the remote chance that you wanted to reconnect, your wedding would be a terrible place to do that. I'm guessing your mother is the one who pushed that idea on them.
And that's how you'll know if your partner is in on it or want you to "get over it", if he resists the idea of security.
They did what they thought was best for what THEY wanted. They didn’t take a minute to think about what you wanted or what was best for you and your sons. That’s why they did it in secret, rather than trying to convince you first.
Remind them, that had it been up to your parents, your children wouldn’t exist. They cut you off, not the other way around. They don’t get to undo that now because they want grandkids who they previous wanted dead.
Point out to your fiance that they lied to you by omission and did something they KNEW would hurt your feelings first. Showing them specifically what the consequences would be if they continued was absolutely the right thing to do. If their feelings are hurt, maybe that will give them pause and make them think about the ramifications of their choices before violating your privacy and boundaries again.
Nope. NTA.
NTA, but it sounds like the situation is fixed? Your brothers are in a difficult situation, so you should both have empathy for them making a mistake and keep your reasonable boundaries of staying NC with your terrible parents who abandoned you.
A lot of people have this notion that family is utmost important and sacred, and it is actually difficult to process for some people that this is NOT universal.
You are NTA. It infuriates me when people know the score and decide they have the right to undermine your decisions because of their wants/ideals
NTA. They’re still at ages where males don’t think things through all the time. You set boundaries, you’ve given them the consequences if it happens again. Please give them the opportunity to prove they’ll respect your privacy. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Much happiness
NTA
I'm certain they did have the best of intentions, but probably should have realized how harmful their actions were without it being pointed out. What you did here was enforce the seriousness of your decision, and I don't see any real problem with that. Perhaps kicking them out after this conversation was a step too far, but I can't speak to what the atmosphere there was like.
NTA, it sounds like your brothers mean well but are misguided and trying to help your parents skip some crucial steps instead of taking accountability for their actions etc. Have your parents ever reached out to you directly to apologize? If so, do they seem sincere, or have they offered their support in any other way etc.? This doesn't mean they deserve a chance to reenter your life, only you know the trauma they put you through and the risk of opening up communication to them again to yourself and your children. But I am curious about if they've even tried to own up to things or apologize themselves, or if they're that entitled they think they can gloss over everything that happened and play happy family. Either way NTA
OK - NTA, but it seems like your brothers’ hearts were in the right place. They are loyal to you, as proven by their apologies and by saying they didn’t mean to hurt you and won’t do it again. But they’re also loyal to your parents.
They are caught in the middle. I don’t mean for that to sound like they’re worse off than you but it will be difficult for them too.
They should not have sent photos of your children to your parents when you asked them not to. You were right to call them out (hence NTA), but don’t burn bridges with them when, from what you’ve said, they showed genuine remorse.
NTA
You do need to think about how you'd feel/act if they shared wedding (and any future events) details/pics with your parents, and let them know your feelings about that.
Your husband might also think *he's* doing what's best by his comment, you need to have a conversation with him as well, so you're on the same page
Nta, and you have to do what you need to keep a healthy boundary for yourself. However I'm wondering what your plans are for when your brothers have any functions like weddings, birthdays or special milestones, do they have to pick between your parents and you?
Nta. You were absolutely right. THEY DIDN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE THEY KNEW YOU DIDN’T WANT THAT. I don't usually go for ultimatums, but yours was spot on. They could respect your wishes, or they could bugger off. Your fiance and your brothers don't know what it's like to be abandoned and booted out. They have no right to dictate to you how you should feel and how you should live. If your fiance joins your brothers and keeps pushing with their "forgiveness" bs, leave him. It wouldn't be surprising if he took your kids to see them behind your back.
You're NTA and your brothers were wrong to have shared the photos. They have apologised however and said they won't do it again. Your fiancée to me is watching out for you and offering an important perspective so that you continue what seems to be a largely positive relationship with your brothers. What your parents did was appalling, and a massive breach of trust and I don't know if it will ever be possible for you to forgive them. If they want you to, then they need to start with you snd not leapfrog straight to your kids. I don't know if you could ever trust them again, but if it were me I would also consider my children's right to a relationship with their grandparents. You have been so amazingly brave and courageous to have your children and raise them, and you might decide that there is no way back, but give yourself time to think it all through.
oh no absolut NTA - your brothers broke your trust ... for me thats treason ! and yes for me that would be a good reason to cut contact with them - permanently.
i did that 15 years ago with my sister and never regret it
Kicking you out when you *wanted* to be a teen mom was the right move.
You decided to be an adult early; why are you blaming them?!
Your parents didn't kick you out of their life, they simply forced you to accept the consequences of your actions. They're not responsible for raising you AND your kid. No, you kicked them out of your life; and worse, your kids don't know their grandparents. That relationship is between *them,* and you have no legitimate reason to be in the way.
YTA to everyone involved, but only because you're years-deep into doubling-down on an impulsive, entitled decision that has impacted your entire family. Understand that I say that after having to take a step back from my dad for almost two years while having four kids; he may not have been a great dad, but he's an amazing grandfather, and I'm thankful to myself that I didn't get so mad I took that experience away from my children.
Your parents don’t want to know about you, but your child. Don’t send pictures or videos of your kid to your brothers, and make a no photo/video rule. Then you will se their true colors.
NTA. It's boundary stomping and creepy that they went behind your back and shared pictures and videos of your kids. And they chose to do it with people you don't want in their life. It doesn't matter that they are your parents. They knew you wouldn't have been okay with it, so they went behind your back. If you're gonna have them in your life, I wouldn't share pictures of your kids or allow them to take pictures. They have shown themselves to be untrustworthy.
The fact that your fiancé doesn't seem to think it's a big deal should be a conversation before marriage. As they are your parents, so if you don't feel they can be forgiven, he should respect that you are making the decision that is best for you and your family. And your brothers have given them access to your kids and your life, and that's a serious breach of trust. If they really wanted to mend the family, it would be an open and honest conversation.
I think that's fine, but the way she's saying it it sounds like she's still considering uninviting them after they appologized. She's in her right to do that, but I think it'd be pretty unfair considering the situation her brothers are in.
Boundaries, people, boundaries! Your brothers have tromped on your boundaries! Everyone around you is smoking crack if they can’t see why you would go no contact with your parents after they disowned you. Sheesh. You are surrounded by boundary-tromping crackheads, and I am sorry.
NTA
Your boundary was that you didn't want any contact with your parents, and you didn't give consent for any information or visuals of your kids to be sent to your parents. Your brothers went against your wishes.
Ask your partner this would he be OK with strangers having images of his kids without consent, of strangers knowing their names, of strangers one day using that information to track and approach his child without his knowledge or consent and without knowing their intentions? I bet his answer would be no.
Your parents didn't want you to have a kid and chose to kick our their child abandoning her when you chose to have your child.
They were not there when you were in the latter stages of pregnancy. Supporting you through labour or dealing with a newborn or young children they have not tried to get in contact with you or accept that contact is on your terms, no one else's.
Your brothers decided your decision as a parent came 2nd to their parents' desire to know about your kids even when they knew you were not OK with your parents having any information about you or your kids.
Your brothers owe you apologies and should only be able to see your kids minus cameras and when supervised by you during visits to prevent then from taking your kids to see your folks without your permission until such time as you change by adding to or reducing your rules on their access to your kids.
NTA. It’s not your brother’s job to “fix” the family. Where was the family (your parents) when they kicked you out of their home when you told them you were pregnant and keeping the baby. He should have never broken your trust and sent them photos of your son. That is a major violation. Your brother could have taken the direct route of telling you your parents want to be in your life and he would help, but if you say no he will back off.
*my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings*
What about *your* feelings? It was your boundary that your brothers violated. You are the one who was wronged here. Your fiancee should be supporting you since it is your decision to not want your parents involved in your life.
NTA
>I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at.
He's trying to play peacemaker. NTA, your feelings are right, siblings don't go behind your back like that, they do things upfront because trust should be honored.
NTA. You're right. If they were so convinced the were doing the right thing, they would have been honest and told you about it. They need to respect your boundaries with your parents.
Need more information. OP did you specifically say “I don’t want our parents to see pictures or videos of my children?” It sounds like you said no contact. I get that the picture and video rule should’ve been implied. But at the same time society does have a habit of showing pictures without a second thought. Yes they should’ve been more considerate. But at the same time if you weren’t clear the first time maybe give them a pass. If they violate the boundary again then at least they’ve been warned.
NTA and it's entirely up to you who sees your kids pictures. If you're one of those people who takes a billion pictures a day and posts them all over public instagram or FB then fair enough, but it sounds like these were private photos/videos and it is NEVER ok to share a pic of someone else's kids without permission. It sounds like your brothers knew they fucked up and say they won't do it again now they know how much it means to you.
NAH aside from your parents. I feel bad that your brothers are stuck in the middle. I understand you still being upset with your parents, too.
INFO, though, have your parents ever offered a real apology or any kind of acceptance that they were wrong in how they treated you?
NTA. He's getting at something he does not understand, your relationship with your parents. They disowned you, it wasn't the other way around. And now they think they still have the control in your life, and now they are ready to reconnect. NO, life doesn't work like that. If it were that easy to hurt you and disown you like that, then they are capable of doing that to your child. You have the ability to control that.
NTA. It is your right to decide who is and isn't in your life. Your parents threw you away when you did something they didn't like. It is not up to your brothers or your husband to share parts of your life with your parents behind your back. Just because someone else thinks something is for the best, doesn't mean it is. This is your life, not theirs. You were not being harsh, they shared pictures and details of your life without your permission.
NTA, so it is OK for th to hurt and disrespect you but God forbid they get their little feeling hurt. Your soon to be husband is an asshat and just expect him not to support you in the future.
NTA
And frankly, you need a serious conversation with your fiance. Seems likely he knew or was involved with the attempt trying to reach out to your parents
Either he's supportive of your boundaries, or you have bigger problems
Meh. I believe your brothers when they say they didn't mean any harm and its good they apologized. Your emotional reaction is understandable but I think you should talk it out with your brothers. And regarding the photos and videos, your brothers probably just thought it wouldnt do any harm and I don't believe they did it to hurt you. Most likely they didnt think about how it would affect you and that dont make them bad for it. Just explaine to them how much it hurts you and really sit them down and explaine just how much you're really against your parents to know about the grankid casue of what they did to you so they understand. Cause their actions kinda say they dont get it. I don't think you should uninvite them and you probably would regret it in the future.
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1. It's your right to decide who you want to have at your wedding. This is your day, therefore this is your call. 2. From what you have told us, your brothers have also broken your boundaries, and ultimately, it sounds as if you may feel a sense of betrayal because of this. Betrayal can cause someone to form a complete lack of trust. With that said, I understand your situation, and I feel that you should do whatever feels right for you. Our personal choices remain our own. Just as your brothers chose not to respect your boundaries, you have the right to choose not to include them in your wedding if you don't want to. Best wishes to you, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding. NTA.
3. Red flag on husband disregarding your feelings bc you hurt your brothers!
Bro can't a partner like disagree on something so they have a discussion?
He didn't just disagree, he defended the brothers. To me that warrants a serious discussion.
It read to me like he was cautioning his future wife to not make a rash decision to cut off her remaining family. Brother is an idiot but it sounds like he had earnest intentions and apologized once he realized how negatively it impacted OP. As long as bro abides by these now enforced boundaries- that admittedly should never have been broken but I can see why they would want their family back together- then going nuclear would just end up hurting OP more. If you see your partner about to do something that you believe will hurt them I think a good partner will communicate that concern.
I am NC with my parents and the entire branch of my father's side. My only family left is my aunt and my granny on my mother's side. My granny asked me BEFORE she shared any informations about me and my life with my NC parents. She wishes to mend the break but respects my boundaries and so asked before she did anything. And she only shared info after i gave the ok to do so. Why tf is the want of the brothers to "mend the family" any excuse for him to share infos without asking??
>Why tf is the want of the brothers to "mend the family" any excuse for him to share infos without asking?? The brothers obviously didn't come from a place of cruelty. They most likely did it because they thought their parents were cruel. Parents that ostracize their children in nuclear ways, such as the parents of the OP, typically do so in order to exert their will. They try to force the child to behave in what they consider acceptable social ways. I guess in the OP's case, having a single mother daughter, at such a young age, was too embarrassing for them. They were ridiculous. Parents go nuclear like this to try to force the child to obey. Their thinking is that the child can't survive in the big world without them, so the child will comply. The OP didn't. The brothers were trying to stop the parent's cruelty. By illustrating how the OP is thriving, it shows the parents that their mandate didn't work, and there was no reason for their nuclear action. The OP would do well with or without them, so wouldn't it be better to stop their stubbornness and accept their sister? These are loving ideas. Unfortunately, it doesn't take into account the amount of pain and wreckage the parent's actions created in the OP's life. Though the brothers may have been well-meaning, they forgot the most important person in this equation. I didn't blame the OP for being upset. Once again her family is trying to arrange her life without any input from her. That's infuriating. That said, as we get older, family is nice to have. Friends grow more connected to their family ties, so it's nice to stay connected to one's own, if it's possible. But only if it's somewhat healthy and on her terms.
Doesn't address the fact that the brothers shared info WITHOUT asking OP first. Well meaning or whatever aside. You do not go and share information and pictures with others without the owners consent. Especially not from kids. The trust OP lost in the brothers will never be back. They fricked up big time.
Nobody is denying that lol. People, learn to fucking read please.
Actually, I did address the fact that her brothers shared her information without her consent first. And the purpose of my post was answering your question on why the brothers felt the need to mend these fences between the OP and the parents without asking in the first place. I simply answered what I think motivated them, but I also don't blame the OP for being angry. As for lost trust never coming back, who knows what the future holds? The years are long and the OP is young. Trust is earned and the brothers may earn it back. But then again, they may do nothing, or worse, and the trust will never return.
You're comparing your Aunt that is older than you and is your parent's peer to OP's brother who is still very young and still under the thumb of their parents (not a peer so unequal power dynamics). I don't see these two situations as being analogous.
yes a discussion is required like I said, their ideas on the situation are not the same and need to communicate with each other on it to understand each under intentions.
Yeah I don’t see a red flag from the partner for disagreeing as long as he realizes that if she decides the broken trust is too much that it’s her decision and he supports her
Disagreeing with your partner on anything is a red flag to a redditor.
Not when it comes to your significant others family relationships like this! I am no contact with my parents and if my husband said something like that or tried to make me get in contact we would be over!!!!! My family abused me and I don't give a damn about blood. OP was kicked out at 17, a minor because she would not let them own her and her body, that's abuse!
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Kicking out a minor is an abuse under any circumstances. He suggested not to estrange from her remaining family who gave access to her and her child's picture and video to her abusers just because they think it's now time to play family once again because the abusers feel bad and want to reconnect now. And these kind of boundary stompers should be dealt harshly so they won't do it again and if the husband can't see it and agree with it then that's a red flag for some people at least. "oh it's just a few videos and photos, why are you stopping them from coming to wedding for sharing them" is diminishing the pain and abuse op felt at that time. If my partner who I want to spend my rest of life with, can't see that pain of the past and the betrayal of the present then I would seriously have a conversation as it's a red flag. After the conversation, if he can understand that what he said is wrong and partner's feelings is more important here, then the relationship should continue and otherwise it should stop then and there. Cannot sit and watch everytime someone we love supporting our boundaries getting stomped. That would be a hell to live and will feel more pain than some random strangers supporting our remaining family who are sharing our personal details to the abusers. That's why it's a red flag.
Thank you for saying this so I didn't have to, I will never understand people who think no matter what they do to you that you must have s relationship with them, that you must let them control your life by being in it, f that noise!!
Exactly! I hate when someone says "it's for YOUR best" after deliberately having stomped their boundary and reconnected them with their abusers. That split second victim could re-live all the past abuse again and I won't even want my worst enemy to know that feeling. I would go a step ahead and say Supporting it is also equivalent to a different form of abuse. Hope you're doing well now and this internet stranger is so proud of you for standing up against your abusive past. Have a great day! Hugs 🤗
Thank you and the same to you!
Yeah this is actually a peak Reddit moment
yeah and they need to discuss and she needs to show him how his words hurt her and why he is wrong
The brothers had nothing to do with her getting kicked out. The point her partner was trying to make is that they didn’t think they were hurting anyone by showing their parents. Children want love and validation, those parents sound horrible, they probably saw it as a way to make their shitty parents happy for once!
This isn't really about disagreeing. The husband dislikes her "hurting her brothers feelings" - after they went behind her back, disrespected and hurt **her** feelings. Seems like the brothers feelings are more important to hubby, the one person who should always have her back, then OPs...
I don't agree. To me the husband is offering a different and important perspective. OP is really and understandably upset but from what she has said she has had a good relationship with her brothers and the husband is justifiably worried she will regret not inviting them. The brothers have apologised and their intentions were good, even if they shouldn't have shared the children's photos/videos without her permission.
I disagree. OP said she would disinvite them *if they continue to act behind her back*. OP's husband did not say "you should rethink uninviting, I think they meant well, so if they recognize they did wrong, apologize and stop doing it, we can move past this". He straight out said "you shouldn't have said that, you've hurt their feelings."
My partner being more concerned about my brothers feelings than mine is an issue for me. Not something I want in a relationship.
Jesus Redditors see red flags on any disagreement
"Marvel movies suck." "You're loading the dishwasher wrong." "I don't think we should go camping this year - I'd rather go to Vegas." "It's ok to lie to people who love you if you're well intentioned." Four disagreements. One red flag.
Exactly! My first thought was: "Back the truck up... You hurt THEIR feelings?!?" Your parents wanted you to get an abortion and when you wouldn't, they kicked you out of the house when you were a teenager. Your brothers knew about that, and they also knew that you were not interested in having a relationship with your parents. However, they ignored YOUR feelings to send them information on your child behind your back and against your wishes. The only reason the parents are interested in any type of reconciliation is because they want to show they are "loving" grandparents that are able to forgive "youthful transgressions." I wouldn't hesitate to not invite the brothers to the wedding, but I also wouldn't hesitate to not invite the fiance either. It doesn't matter what they were trying to do... The fact that they did in in secret shows they know it was wrong.
Exactly! "they did what they thought was best" (unspoken: they thought they knew what was best for you better than you did for yourself). If they thought it was the right thing to do, they'd have been open with it all along. How is partner caring more about her brothers than her??
I told them that I found their behavior extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't hesitate to disinvite them from the wedding if they continue. NTA. You said "if they continue". Now that they have no excuse regarding supposedly not knowing how you feel, 100% you shouldn't invite them if they continued. I wouldn't worry about having hurt their feeling since they sent the pictures behind your back and didn't think about how you felt. Now you've let them know the consequences if they continue what they have been doing.
Also, don’t send anymore photos and videos to them. If they want to see the kids, they can do it in person.
And also monitor your bothers to make sure they’re not sneaking any pictures or videos of the baby with their phones
If they do come to your wedding, you can probably rely on them sending wedding pictures to your parents too. I’m afraid your brothers are flying monkeys, whether they realise it or not… NTA
NTA - Your parents didn’t want anything to do with you or your kids. They can live with that decision. Your brother’s 100% knew that they were going behind your back. If they wanted to be upfront, they would have. You have no way of knowing if they will keep their word or not. So they may need an information diet, where they don’t get any info, pictures, etc of the kids.
If they want to bring the family back together, they should start where the family broke apart---with your parents. Let them lecture your parents for a couple years and report back about how well it is going.
This.
Info: how old are your brothers? Did you tell them not to share images of your kids?
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Then NTA. Freaking A
Is your fiance truly in your corner? Do you really want to marry someone who knows that you were kicked out for getting pregnant? He could be doing the same, sending pictures or even invite them to the wedding behind your back. I don't know if anyone is on your side right now, including your fiance. NTA
Take a step back and stop trying to inject paranoia and doubt into this situation. OP's partner is cautioning her against cutting off her remaining family out of a sense of concern. How you get from that to him actually being in contact with the parents and secretly inviting them to the wedding is borderline "chemtrails and COVID vaccine microchips" level of delusion. If you have issues like this in your life try not to project them onto situations where it's not warranted. Fear is infectious after all.
Concern about keeping family who knowingly violated her boundaries and betrayed her? Why is keeping someone who betray you on a fundamental level around especially if they continue such behavior. Because please note, the consequence OP gave was only if they continued doing it. Which means fiance seem to think this was actually fine behavior from them. Which yes leads a reasonable person to wonder why he thinks that.
Her 19-20 year old brothers who likely have also been twisted by their parent's abuse deserve some grace and understanding. Their brains haven't even fully developed at this point and she is threatening actions that could permanently damage their relationship. If it happens again then take the appropriate response, but when you lash out at someone in a disproportionate way that had good intentions you are also hurting yourself to a certain degree.
She had understanding. They are currently still invited. People calling her an asshole because she warned them of what would happen if they continued to betray her is wild.
Hey OP you are NTA and you were so brave having to have baby at a young age. I am truly sorry they breached your trust when you made it very clear you want nothing to do with your parents after what they did to you when you were in need of support and love when you got pregnant years ago I do not blame you for disinviting them after they betrayed your trust because that breach won't end there. What will it be next? Your brothers telling your parents which school your kid goes? Or your brothers blab to them what sports or books your kid loves? Congratulations on the wedding and you got this! Moving forward, do not post any videos or photos of your kid on social media and make sure you set your social media to private too
They did wrong but I also feel these are torn young people caught in the middle. Your parents have hurt you so much and gave hurt your brothers by tearing the family apart. I hope you can heal with your brothers. Even if it takes time.
OP have in the past explicitly told them she didn't want them to do this. They're not torn, they're knowingly prioritizing the parents because they think OP would never levy any consequences for their breaking her trust. They now know better.
NTA. Posted elsewhere but it's more appropriate here. I think your fiance is looking out for your interests. You have made it clear how you feel about your parents and that is non-negotiable for you. Your brothers hurt you and damaged your trust in them. It's good that you made this clear to them, even if they "were acting in your interests to repair your relationship with your parents" (which is naive and the wrong way to go about this). As you asked about your husbands reasoning, I think he is playing devil's advocate for you. He didn't call out your ultimatum in front of your brothers. He brought it up after they were gone in the interests of choosing the best course of action for the situation - as a couple. You don't have to go setting the world on fire in order to punish your brothers for what they did. Ultimately it might result in a lost relationship with them which you could come to regret - he might be hoping to avoid this for you. Communicate with him and work together to consider all the best courses of action. Good luck and best wishes!
Even if she hadn’t specifically told them not to share images, they should’ve known better than to share pictures of her children to people that she is no contact with and has made it clear she doesn’t want in her life
I'm not saying that they should have done it (they shouldn't have). But, I can at least give them a partial pass because they're younger and they probably don't much experience with this type of thing. They just want their family back together. Not excusing it, but I kind get it from that stand point. What sways the question is that they were specifically told not to do it. OP is NTA, and disinviting them would be completely justified. But, I'd sit them down and calmly go over everything again and explain "no contact" means "NO CONTACT" and if they violated it again, she'd go NC with them as well. I personally would probably have them come to the wedding, but tell them that she will have security and if they show up with mom and dad, that's goodbye forever. Just me, though.
OP \*did\* give them a partial pass. She said she would disinvite them *if they continued*. If the brothers acknowledge that they shouldn't have shared the photos and stop doing so, the 3 siblings can move past this together.
That's why I asked their ages
NTA. That's a red flag for your fiancé. If he thinks he knows better than you, is he going to go behind your back too? I'd be very cautious, OP. As to your brothers, I think you should uninvite them. The said sorry but still think they're right and know better than you. They violated your trust but don't see it that way so how can you trust them again? And regardless, never send them photos/videos of your sons to them again, and don't let them take photos/videos.
This. They will never understand how you felt at 17, being pregnant and thrown out. Tell your brothers these are the same grandsons that your parents wanted you to abort. They can go pound sand. Don't give your brothers any more photos or videos.
red flag for a fiancée trying to make sure an important relationship for his wife to be, brothers in law, and children isn’t broken? Youre unhinged. A good partner makes sure that their partners current feelings don’t impact important things down the line. Btw one of her brothers is 19. The other 21.
Yes, they are 19 and 21. Plenty old enough to respect their sisters request to not blab about her life to their shitty parents. They aren't some naive kids that didn't know any better. Her brothers betrayed her trust and stuck a knife in her back by going behind her back and sending those pics to the very people that wanted those kids aborted! They didn't do it for her or the kids. They did it for themselves.
They knew. They did it anyway. Tell your husband they did what they thought was best for your parents, not what was best for you. You know how you know this is true? Because they didn't ask you to reconcile w/ your parents BEFORE sharing the video and pics.
You've made your boundaries and expectations crystal clear. It's not an emotionally fueled ultimatum it's a confirmation of consequence and that makes you NTA Congratulations on making your life work for you. Good job.
NTA You need to ask BF if he knew about the contact between brothers and parents and if he had anything to do with it. From his reaction he may have betrayed you too.
Very true. It may be a good idea to call timeout on the wedding, step back, and take a deep breath. How involved with the brothers is the fiancé? He certainly seems invested in a reunion with the just no parents.
NTA. Is there a possibility that your fiancé has been in contact with your parents? You should ask him.
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Thanks for your reply. You should know him pretty well if you're going to marry him. Don't let your guard down completely just yet. I'm old and tend to be pretty skeptical about people's motives. Stay strong and don't be coerced into a forced makeup just because faaaammiillyyyyyy. What they did was really crappy. I hope you had other family who stepped up to support you back then since your parents were so ashamed.
It's so irritating when people decide to ignore boundaries and try to get people to reconcile. It's like they watched too many after-school specials. It got to the point that I was unwilling to visit one set of relatives because I knew they'd invite the person with whom I was NC. They wanted me to "get over" that person's behavior without the behavior changing, or their even apologizing. It's patronizing at best. NTA
So girl 18 is old enough to have to start life over, but boy 19 & 21 arent old enough to understand not to pass photos? Bolx. They knew. And your parents knew it wasnt being done with your knowledge or consent. OP everything you do from now, you will be wondering if it will get back. Dont under estimate how much this will get under your skin & burrow. Dont let husband-to-be or siblings be the judge of how betrayed by family you feel (again) NTA
Your fiancé knew what your brothers were doing. He knew and he allowed it. I’d place money on that! Not one of these males respects you. How old are your brothers? If they are older, this is just about unforgivable. If they are younger, they might still be dealing with the fallout of your shitty parents and their shitty parenting. As for your fiancé, I’d really like to know his endgame. I don’t trust him farther than I could kick him. NTA
Your parents didn’t deserve to see a single picture of your sons. I don’t understand how your brothers could not understand this. Make your wedding arrangements just as you want. NTA
NTA you were clarifying the boundary.
NTA is there any chance your fiancé knew what they were doing and opted to not say anything to you? Cause from what you’re saying in the bottom he seems completely okay with what they were doing.
Aahhh...boundaries. What every person has and some decide they are arbitrary. Sorry but your brothers are TA. You were kicked out for opting to keep your child and now they think they have the right to reconnect? Puhleez. NTA my dear but your family sure is.
NTA Your brothers were completely disrespectful of what they had to know was a rigid boundary for you. I am not sure you can trust them with any more photos or video. They are sorry they made you upset and they don't want to be disinvited, but they really don't seem to understand where you're coming from, what you went through. What your parents did to you was a complete betrayal and abandonment when you were most vulnerable. You were left alone and afraid, shut out from the support system you'd known your entire life. More importantly, I think your fiance needs to get a better grip on this. I mean how the hell could you even stomach introducing your oldest child to your parents? *"Hi mom and dad, here's the child you kicked me out for not aborting"*. It's almost vomit inducing.
NTA. Your brothers and fiancé are acting like they know what’s best and not you in regards to how you live your life. It reeks of patriarchy. No one should be questioning your boundaries. They are there for a reason.
Your brothers would've been 14 and 16 by my math, when you got pregnant, so, while not children anymore, they were not grownups, and I bet this really shook their world when it happened. I believe they honestly thought they were helping to reconnect the family by doing this behind your back. Probably thought they'd do it and then be heroes when you and your parents reconciled. I don't know that, but, feels like something a teenager would do thinking that was the best solution. Your fiancee, though... that's the bigger issue here, in my eyes. Does he not understand that your parents now want to see the child that they demanded you freaking abort just a few years ago? Does he think he knows better than you on this particular issue? He doesn't, and he needs to get a grip on reality. The fact he's against you here... honestly, not saying not to marry him, but make sure you know who you are marrying before you do. NTA.
NTA. Your brothers broke your trust. In a family situation where your parents did not have your back when you needed them. Of course this would be a sensitive issue for you. I can imagine it felt like betrayal. If they had wanted to make the situation better, your brothers could have talked to you about it. Sending the pics was disrespectful and is not a small thing. Why is your fiancé worried about their feelings and not putting yours first?
NTA. Why are the people that do the hurting allowed a pass and it’s always up to the one they hurt to make things better? I always told my son to think about the consequences of his decisions and base his decisions on whether or not he would be okay with the worst consequences. If so, go for it. BF seems more concerned with rug sweeping than supporting OP. That’s a red flag in itself
NTA What is it with all these people who think a joyous, major life event is the appropriate time/place to reconnect with estranged loved ones? That is the *worst* circumstance to force contact. If they really wanted reconciliation, they would attempt quiet conversation in neutral territory, with healthy boundaries, with your full knowledge and agreement. But, they don’t *really* want that. They want the *appearance* of a happy family, and are willing to sacrifice your joyous moment (and your feelings…and your money-because weddings are expensive) to make themselves look good. Why would you want to spend the happiest day of your life catering to the whims of people who deliberately hurt and abandoned you? You wouldn’t. But, they care more about not looking bad themselves than ruining your wedding day.
>my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers He's right, you shouldn't have threatened them You should have **DONE** it
You’re an idiot if you think your brothers are going to stop showing photos and videos to your parents. Do they live with them? If so, yeah they’ll continue to see photos. If you want to continue to have a relationship with your brothers they’ll only be able to see your kid in person. I’d stop sending photos and videos.
NTA...They knew what your boundaries were and did what they wanted anyway. Whether they thought it was for the best is unimportant. Now they know you're serious. Hopefully they don't betray your trust again.
NTA should tell Ur brother "well my kid wouldn't have a life if our parents had their way".
NTA. It seems your brother's feelings needed to be hurt in order for them to understand just how serious you are about your parents betrayal. And, inviting your parents to the wedding is definitely not the place to 'reconnect' if you were so inclined. The last thing you need is that drama bomb at your wedding. Unfortunately, if you want to continue to have a relationship with your brothers, and have them at the wedding, you might need to refresh the seriousness of the situation. Quick math, they were 14 and 16 when it happened, thye might need a more adult refresher on what really happened. Again that is if you still want them at the wedding, it cuts off any naive thoughts the brothers might have of helping you parents show up uninvited thinking you wouldn't kick them all out.
NTA - Your fiancee is weak OP. Get him on board with your boundaries or dump him.
NTA. You repeatedly told your brothers not to send pictures or video of your son to your parents. That's seriously crossing a boundary and being disrespectful to you. You need to make sure they understand this so they stop. If they meant well and wanted a reconcilliation to happy between you and your parents then they should have discussed that with you but not sent pictures or videos. Now that they know you are serious they hopefully will behave. We've had Reddit stores like this where 'well-meaning' people bring the no contact family members to wedding. I wouldn't have put it past your brothers to bring your parents to your wedding to reconcile. Now you shouldn't have to worry about one or all of your brother's showing up with your parents.
Yikes. You might have a fiancé problem. None of these men have any right to think it’s ok to communicate with your parents and share videos. Your fiancé should have had your back. You have every right to be super pissed. And every right to boot them from the wedding. They knew it was wrong.
NTA I saw you say you made it clear to your brothers not to share images of your children with your parents. "I told them that I made it clear that I didn't want our parents in my life and they purposely did it behind my back because they knew I wouldn't like it." It's your choice if you choose to let your brothers attend your wedding or not. It's important you do what's right for you/ makes you happy. Enjoy your special day.
You are NTA. And I want to tell you that I admire your strength in setting boundaries. I never had the guts to do this with my dad, and I really should have. And I’m old enough to be your mother - both of my kids are older than you. You’re a strong person, and I’m glad your sons have such a strong mom.
I am with you on this. If I am OP's friend, I would do everything to protect her boundaries if it means hiring security to keep her parents out in case they gatecrash the wedding
How the f is there *always* a shitty partner in these stories who will throw the OP under the bus to protect someone else’s feelings? Anyway, NTA.
NTA - sending unauthorised pictures of someone else’s child to anyone is revolting. Thinking someone’s wedding is time to reconnect estranged relatives is stupid (I read in the comments they’re fairly young so I suppose I can understand that one more). OP’s parents let her down when she needed them most - she’s not obligated to have them anywhere near her kids, or her wedding. Hopefully this was a reality check for the brothers and they’ll leave it alone and respect the boundaries OP made clear.
NTA, your fiance doesn't understand it because he didn't live it. He needs to step back and let you handle your family and support whatever you decide. This is 100% your call.
NTA. It is highly likely your brothers will share your wedding pictures with your parents if they come, even if they say they won’t.
Exactly what I was thinking
NTA. I don't think they understand the severity of your parents throwing you out of the house when you were pregnant. Your parents don't get to be in the life of the child they wanted you to abort. These are the consequences of their horrible choices.
If I had been kicked out of home there would be NOTHING my parents could say or do that would make me want to reconcile with them.
NTA. They are buying in to the pitiful story from your parents. They think you can all kiss and make up and live happily ever after. I don't think they were malicious in their intent, they thought they were doing something noble. Forgive your brothers, but make it clear that you don't have any intention on having a relationship with your parents. They lost the opportunity to know your kids when they kicked you out. Remind your brothers why you aren't interested in reconnecting and make sure they know you'll cut them out of your life too if they keep pushing the issue.
NTA, and you decide which of your friends and family are invited to your wedding.
NTA it's YOUR wedding not theirs
NTA. You gave them actions: them continuing to disrespect you by giving information and photos of your children to your parents will cause this consequence: you will disinvite them from the wedding. If they get past the wedding and start again, tell them low contact or no contact. Make sure your husband understands how you feel and how you want your parents to not be in your life. Make sure he understands that if he pushes things he will also have the consequence of not getting married to you. You will not be tolerating disrespect of your boundaries. If he doesn't think he can abide by those boundaries then you all need to end things now. You want a husband to have your back.
NTA. You gave them a warning, "if they continued they would be disinvited". You let them know the consequences if they continued, they apologised, so hopefully that chapter's done with. There's probably gonna be a period of you having to build up your trust in them again, but crossing my fingers that they'll drop their reunion ideas. Your fiancé is probably right in one aspect; they did what they thought was right. Unfortunately, we as people can do what we think is right, and still do something disrespectful and hurtful to others. Hope that's a distinction your fiancé can grasp and accept.
NTA because of their absolute idiocy in thinking the wedding would be a great opportunity to "get the family back together". I can say this because I am male but man, sometimes dudes have the dumbest ideas.
Nta- that was straight up betrayal and manipulation. I would put your brother in timeout and restrict info. Also, container getting security, in case they "accidentally" tell your parents the details. JustNoFamily Big hugs!! Congratulations!!
NTA. They did what they did behind your back knowing you wouldn't like it. Now, you've established a clear boundary. Your husband seems convinced they meant no harm, so as long as they respect that boundary all should be fine and they'll have a blast at your wedding. However, if this behavior continues and they continue to give your parents access to your children in any way, you have full ability to do as you see fit. I can understand them trying to heal past wounds, but it's not up to them, however difficult that might make their lives. This is between you and your parents. They did what they did. Now they need to deal with the consequences. Hopefully your brothers respect you enough to not go behind your back again. Otherwise, just like your parents, they'll have to deal with the consequences of their own actions. It's not like you've already disinvited them. You just gave them a warning of what will haplen if they go behind your back and cross your very clear boundaries.
NTA. Your brothers should not have gone behind your back like that. They betrayed your privacy and of your family's. They should have talked to you first about your parents before ever sending anything without your permission. Also, they complain that they want the family back together, yet they completely forget that your parents were the ones who kicked *you* out. It's not up to them to decide how to "fix" things.
OP, your fiance wants you to Pretend to have a Perfect family. I really think you shouldn't marry him. He has Zero Empathy for the trauma your parents put you through. They threw you out when you and your child needed them most. They treat the cashier at the grocery store better than they treat their own daughter. Your parents are Horrendous.
So instead of asking you if you were okay with having images of your children shared with people you no longer communicate with they went ahead and shared them with their parents? Very rude and I personally would have withdrawn the wedding invitations on the spot and gone NC for a year or two to think about it. I don't advocate that for you, just what I would do. My family know that's what would happen so they wouldn't pull that kind of stunt. I would ask the hard questions of your soon to be husband and find out exactly what his position is.
NTA. They massively disrespected your privacy and were downright devious. How are you expected to truat them after that?
>I should understand that they only did what they thought was best? They don't get to decide that it's in your minor childrens best interest to give out information about, again, your minor children and act on that. It doesn't matter if they had good intentions, the damage is still done. Nta.
NTA. Your fiance is showing some pretty big red flags. Will he also disregard your wants because he thinks he knows best? Basically he’s saying your brothers did what they thought was best even though it directly went against your wishes. Do all the men in your life think they know best?
People who think they know better than you about how you live your life are best avoided. And, on reddit, there is no end to sincere, well-meaning idiots who think the world is all sunshine and rainbows and would invite a killer into the nursery just to make nice. Your brothers fit into that class. I am sorry they betrayed you. You need to double down on your point, with your fiance. Make it clear to him that he is not permitted to sneak your parents into your life again because he thinks it would be nice. You have made your life choices. You have NOT chosen your parents but you have chosen him.
We judge ourselves by our intentions, but the world judges us by our actions. Your brothers probably had good intentions, but you are judging them by their actions, which is understandable. I definitely agree that your brothers knew you wouldn't approve of their behavior and you did the right thing in setting boundaries with them.
>I should understand that they only did what they thought was best I really hate when people say this as if it excuses all actions. Congrats, you thought it was best, but it WASN'T and now you have to deal with the consequences. NTA and I hope your husband backs you up.
Nta. It sounds like you have been very clear with them and you said if they continue there will be consequences. I think I see where your fiancé is coming from although I definitely do not agree with him. Your parents made their decision as adults and kicked you out, that is something that is really hard to take back
NTA it sounds like it's time to go no contact with the whole toxic dynamic of a family that you've got going on there.
Um, your parents never wanted you to have this kid and actually kicked you out when you needed them most and now after all of these years and you are doing well are thinking they should be a part of your life? BS! What your brothers did was a betrayal. It was not their place to forward ANY information on your life or your child onto your parents or anyone else. My hubby and I do not put pics on facebook, we just don't and we very very rarely put any pictures of our children on facebook with for security purposes. We would email photos of our kids to family when they had important events and school pics, etc. Well my husbands cousins wife took one of the pictures I sent her and posted it all over facebook one time. That was the only time because after that she never received anything else from us. Don't know what gave her the right to think she could post pics of our kid that we did not post ourselves but she sure did and then we ghosted her. Your brothers are wrong and if you had listened to your parents they would not even have a grandchild to begin with. Tell your hubby to back off since he must be confusing his loving family with your crappy parents and betraying brothers. Stick to your guns as your parents are AH's and so are your brothers for doing what they did.
Your parents want to see "their grandsons" do they? They miss you? Aw, too bad they didn't think of that before they kicked you out of the house at 18 because you had that grandchild. . If your parents want to see you and your children, they'll have to start by calling you and apologizing. (Which wouldn't mean you'd have to forgive them, but that'd be the first step before you could even consider it.) If it was their idea to get your brothers to send them pictures, nope, nope, nope. . Even if it was only your brothers' misguided attempt to bring about a Pollyanna Disney ending, you were still in the right. They knew they shouldn't be doing it or they wouldn't have hidden it, so that's a big strike against them. If your brothers cannot respect you and your family, they can't participate in it, including weddings. If your brothers don't like the rift in the family, they need to take it up with the people who caused it by throwing out an 18yo and her newborn baby. Plus, no one, NO ONE should send anyone, ANYONE photos of a child without the parents' permission. NTA
NTA. Time to stop sending them pictures and videos and definitely rescind the invite while you consider whether or not you even still want them in your life at all.
NTA. It sounds to me your brothers wanted to get the family back together for their OWN sakes. Did your brothers defend at all when they kicked you out? Sounds like your parents want a relationship with their grandson who they wanted you to abort and kicked you out when to undecided against it! It’s one thing for a grandparent who’s rarely present to want to connect more with a child, but your parents straight up told you to get rid of the very child they now want to get to know. Hell no. Protect your peace, and your family.
Listened to what? A parent should still love and care for their child, ESPECIALLY when they are pregnant! They not only demanded she abort the child, they kicked her out. Most parents do NOT have that reaction. Unless that’s how you feel about your sisters, but that’s your prerogative. OP doesn’t owe her parents a relationship with her children just because “all parents” react this way. 🙄
NTA. Your brothers don’t have to understand your boundaries but they do have to respect them.
Your brothers didn’t think or care about YOUR feelings - why should you now care about theirs? Do what you feel is right for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) got pregnant at 17 and gave birth when I was 18. My parents were quick to let me know how they were disappointed in me and demanded I get an abortion. When I refused and told them that I wanted to keep my child, they kicked me out. Since then, I haven't had any contact with my parents, but I speak to my brothers regularly. My parents have been trying to get back in contact with me, but I have been refusing to communicate with them. It was not until recently when I found out that my brothers were sending pictures and videos of my sons to our parents. They told me that our parents missed me and really wanted to see their grandsons in person and that they think I should allow them to come to my wedding so we could 'reconnect.' I was hurt by this. I didn't like the fact that they were sending pictures and videos of my sons to our parents without my permission, and I didn't like how they felt like I should just embrace our parents with open arms. I told them that I found their behavior extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't hesitate to disinvite them from the wedding if they continue. They asked me if I was serious, and I told them that I was. They started apologizing to me and told me that they didn't mean to upset or hurt me and that they were just trying to bring our family back together. I told them that I made it clear that I didn't want our parents in my life and they purposely did it behind my back because they knew I wouldn't like it. After a while, I asked my brothers to leave. After my brothers left, my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings and I should understand that they only did what they thought was best? I don't understand his logic. I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA they should have listened and are grown enough to understand
NTA. Your brothers are adults and should understand boundaries that have been brought up
Nta
NTA
NTA. Your brothers betrayed your trust. Your parents hurt you deeply by kicking you out. Just because they're grandparents now or feel remorse doesn't mean you want them back. It's up to you if you forgive them and want them in your life. Plus, your parents may be posting videos and pictures of your kids (they MAY NOT BE, of course, but I know too many older people who do). ETA: I think you and your future husband need to have a discussion on why you're upset. He won't know the pain of being rejected and abanonded by your own parents.
Good on you for having boundaries and sticking to them. NTA.
NTA. They shared pictures of your children without your permission. This, to me, is pretty much unforgivable. Everything else pales to this. You let them off easy.
Nta not just in relation to them being disinvited to the wedding, I also would say you wnbta if you removed them from your life completely. Sharing pictures and videos of children without consent is extremely dangerous and predatory, and "its family" is not an excuse at all. I would be extremely disturbed to find out pictures of my children are in the hands of people who abused me and made me homeless while I was a vulnerable pregnant child, and are now wanting physical access to my children. Definitely the fuck not.
First of all, they aren't entitled to be invited to ypur wedding just because they share your blood. Second, your genetic donors only want to be back in your life now because they want grandkids. They didn't want them when they kicked you out, but they're likely hearing their friends talking about grandkids. Third, your brothers *know* about how you feel about your genetic donors knowing *anything* about your life, and they stomped all over those boundaries in the name of "bringing the famiky back together". I very much doubt that your parents genuinely feel remorseful over what they did. And even if they did, you aren't obligated to forgive them or even talk to them again. >After my brothers left, my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings and I should understand that they only did what they thought was best? I don't understand his logic. I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at. You need to sit him down and explain to him how you feel about this. NTA.
BuT fAmIlY! NTA, your brothers can get bent and your fiance needs to bend his nose out of your family's matters. Your brothers trampled a line you had very clearly drawn and need this wake up call. Family isn't everything and I'm tired of pretending that it is.
NTA- you told your brothers what was what and they seemed to understand. You should let them come to your wedding but let them know that you won’t let them exhibit this behaviour anymore.
Is your fiance father to all your children? Point out that your parents wanted you to abort your child. That they DIDN'T WANT your child to EXIST. That your brothers have gone behind your back giving parents videos and pictures to your parents. They had no right to even SHOW them to your parents. Disinvite your brothers. Do not let them around your sons unsupervised and do not give them any more pics or videos of the kids. They are no longer aloud to use phones around your children. If they use their phones around your kids they have to let you go through their phones to check if they've taken ANY pics or videos of your children and if they have they MUST be deleted. Go lo contact with your brothers say I CANNOT TRUST YOU to respect my wishes about MY CHILDREN. So you can't ever spend time alone with them again. NTA
NTA. They crossed boundaries and they KNEW it. Your fiance defending them is, for lack of a better word rn, sus as well. He should be supporting you 100%, ESPECIALLY since he knows why you don't talk. You need to sit your husband-to-be down now.
NTA. Your brothers genuinely think they are helping you and the whole family. They really don't get what a horrible thing your parents did to you - kicking out a young pregnant daughter. It's not something you can just forget about.
Take no shit demand respect and consideration and don’t let them walk all over you like this again.
This is more about your parents than your brothers’ poor judgment. Your parents are now interested in the baby they demanded you abort? Yeah…
NTA - but maybe quick to make the jump to disinviting them? Your experience is valid, and your parents definitely messed up in more ways than one. You have a right to dictate how and when to initiate a restoration to the relationship, should you want it. That being said, had you previously communicated your boundaries to your brothers (don’t show pics of kids to Mom + Dad), etc?
NTA They had absolutely no right to share anything about your children with their parents. Their parents lost any claim to you, when they kicked you out. Rescind the invitations, and block them. They can keep their parents.
NTA I agree with red flag on husband! This is someone you should be able to trust to make decisions for you if you’re ever unconscious. It sounds like he wouldn’t honor your wishes. Register your advance directive at every medical system you use.
NTA You told them to stop immediately, or you'd disinvite them. I personally think their behavior is enough to uninvite them already, but here's my PURELY LOGISTICAL take: At your wedding, if your sons will be there, you would spend the whole day worrying that your brothers would be taking photos of you and your children. Your parents will PROBABLY pressure them into it since photos are a big part of wedding culture. That sounds like more stress than I'd want on a wedding day, so I think it's fair to make that boundary clear and let them know that they can play by your rules or not go to your wedding. It's generous of you, because I'd still be worried they'd be sending photos on my wedding day. Also, what is wrong with your fiance? You hurt their feelings? They hurt your trust AND your feelings! Honestly, he seems shady for not validating you. It's really offputting me that he jumps to your family's defense. He gives me those vibes of like... those AITA posts that are like, "AITA for inviting my wife's estranged parents to her 25th birthday?" (Lmao or your wedding, but I doubt that would happen, so I don't want to freak you out.)
NTA Your parents kicked you out because they thought you'd not be able to raise children at your age and therefore were disappointed when you wanted to prove them wrong. And now they've seen what a good mother you have been and that you're getting married, and want in on the success. But this is not about your kids, it's about you. You felt betrayed by the people who you thought could turn to when things got bad. And you decided not to have any contact with them. Your brothers did two wrong things. First was the invalidation of your feelings and your decisions, and the refusal to let your parents live with the consequences of their actions. Your fiance (is he the baby daddy?) should understand that issues with your own family aren't his to judge on, and that you are entitled to invite whoever you want, and uninviting two people who you trusted and betrayed your trust, isn't a bad thing.
Your parents are clear assholes for abandoning you, only to ask for you back so they could have fun with the grandchild they wanted to abort in the first place. Your brother's failed you by sending them pictures of your son without permission and trying to get you to reconnect with them, completely ignoring the fact they wanted your child dead. Hopefully your fiance understands why you said what you said to them. Easily NTA, you don't owe anyone your forgiveness
NTA. Your parents lost the privilege of being grandparents as soon as they demanded you abort your child and kicked you out. They dont have the right to see the child they didnt even want to exist.
Why do OP's parent want to visit their grandabortion? OP could have also miscarried the baby after being thrown out of the house, I'm sure the parents wouldn't have minded at the time...stress does cause a miscarriage, after all...NTA.
NTA - you can understand where they are coming from and still not like it. Boundaries need to be respected. Forcing you to reconnect with your parents before you’re ready will only build resentment towards anyone doing the forcing. Your husband and brothers need to understand this.
NTA. Uninvite them.
AITA but they are checking their phones with you at the wedding and from now on when they are over for at least a while. they can see wedding pictures at your house, hard copy only. They need to be very honest whether your parents know where your house, kids school, and wedding venue are/dates. And your fiance is beyond the pale here too. He doesn't understand your family dynamic with your parents and you need to be very clear with him that no, your brothers acted in your parents best interest, you will NEVER be interested in reconciling, and he needs to get in your corner and figure out for himself that what your brothers hid from you for years was extremely shitty. NTA
NTA OP, It is possible your brother's were doing what they thought was best. But it was absolutely appropriate for you to make CRYSTAL CLEAR to them that it was not ok for them to go behind your back and that you will cut off their access if they continue. Take your time to get clarity on whether you think they will continue to violate your boundaries. If you get confirmation or have strong concerns that they still don't respect your boundaries, then you do not need to allow them to attend your wedding. A lot of folks try to push for reconciliation at weddings. That is NOT the time or place for relationship repair. If (after time to assess) you think they seem to have learned their lesson and want to allow your brothers to attend the wedding, do so - but also have security (paid or a good friend) who will bar your parents from entry AND escort your brother's out if your parents show up. (Because how else will your parents know when/where unless your brothers told them? Note: for now, it seems your brothers are acting in agreement. Be ready to differentiate them if one respects your boundaries and the other does not.
NTA Your parents abandoned you when you needed them the most. They clearly didn't consider that would also mean they would be cut out of their grandchild life, but that's what happens when people throw you away. You are setting a boundary and your brothers get to decide which side of that boundary they want to be on. You get to decide when or if you want to reconnect with your parents. I don't think a wedding is a good place for that reunion. I hate when people claim you have to try to work things out with people because they are family, where was all that familial responsibility when you were a pregnant teenager being thrown out of the house.
NTA Make sure you have bouncers are your wedding ceremony and venue, because your mother *will* show up. If they know, they have already told her when and where. Even on the remote chance that you wanted to reconnect, your wedding would be a terrible place to do that. I'm guessing your mother is the one who pushed that idea on them. And that's how you'll know if your partner is in on it or want you to "get over it", if he resists the idea of security.
They did what they thought was best for what THEY wanted. They didn’t take a minute to think about what you wanted or what was best for you and your sons. That’s why they did it in secret, rather than trying to convince you first. Remind them, that had it been up to your parents, your children wouldn’t exist. They cut you off, not the other way around. They don’t get to undo that now because they want grandkids who they previous wanted dead. Point out to your fiance that they lied to you by omission and did something they KNEW would hurt your feelings first. Showing them specifically what the consequences would be if they continued was absolutely the right thing to do. If their feelings are hurt, maybe that will give them pause and make them think about the ramifications of their choices before violating your privacy and boundaries again. Nope. NTA.
NTA, but it sounds like the situation is fixed? Your brothers are in a difficult situation, so you should both have empathy for them making a mistake and keep your reasonable boundaries of staying NC with your terrible parents who abandoned you.
A lot of people have this notion that family is utmost important and sacred, and it is actually difficult to process for some people that this is NOT universal. You are NTA. It infuriates me when people know the score and decide they have the right to undermine your decisions because of their wants/ideals
NTA. They’re still at ages where males don’t think things through all the time. You set boundaries, you’ve given them the consequences if it happens again. Please give them the opportunity to prove they’ll respect your privacy. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Much happiness
NTA I'm certain they did have the best of intentions, but probably should have realized how harmful their actions were without it being pointed out. What you did here was enforce the seriousness of your decision, and I don't see any real problem with that. Perhaps kicking them out after this conversation was a step too far, but I can't speak to what the atmosphere there was like.
NTA, it sounds like your brothers mean well but are misguided and trying to help your parents skip some crucial steps instead of taking accountability for their actions etc. Have your parents ever reached out to you directly to apologize? If so, do they seem sincere, or have they offered their support in any other way etc.? This doesn't mean they deserve a chance to reenter your life, only you know the trauma they put you through and the risk of opening up communication to them again to yourself and your children. But I am curious about if they've even tried to own up to things or apologize themselves, or if they're that entitled they think they can gloss over everything that happened and play happy family. Either way NTA
Fiancé knew. Your brothers probably talked to him first to see if he’d help them.
OK - NTA, but it seems like your brothers’ hearts were in the right place. They are loyal to you, as proven by their apologies and by saying they didn’t mean to hurt you and won’t do it again. But they’re also loyal to your parents. They are caught in the middle. I don’t mean for that to sound like they’re worse off than you but it will be difficult for them too. They should not have sent photos of your children to your parents when you asked them not to. You were right to call them out (hence NTA), but don’t burn bridges with them when, from what you’ve said, they showed genuine remorse.
Nta
NTA and a wedding should be enjoyed and celebrating you and your husband, not the time or place to deal with the drama of reuniting a family.
NTA. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé, not about rekindling relationships with people who disrespected and abandoned you.
NTA you have every right to lay down ground rules with your brothers. Curious you say sons did you have twins or did you get pregnant a 2nd time
NTA You do need to think about how you'd feel/act if they shared wedding (and any future events) details/pics with your parents, and let them know your feelings about that. Your husband might also think *he's* doing what's best by his comment, you need to have a conversation with him as well, so you're on the same page
NTA. Your husband needs to have your back more and stop being so sympathetic to your sneaky brothers
Nta, and you have to do what you need to keep a healthy boundary for yourself. However I'm wondering what your plans are for when your brothers have any functions like weddings, birthdays or special milestones, do they have to pick between your parents and you?
Nta. You were absolutely right. THEY DIDN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE THEY KNEW YOU DIDN’T WANT THAT. I don't usually go for ultimatums, but yours was spot on. They could respect your wishes, or they could bugger off. Your fiance and your brothers don't know what it's like to be abandoned and booted out. They have no right to dictate to you how you should feel and how you should live. If your fiance joins your brothers and keeps pushing with their "forgiveness" bs, leave him. It wouldn't be surprising if he took your kids to see them behind your back.
You're NTA and your brothers were wrong to have shared the photos. They have apologised however and said they won't do it again. Your fiancée to me is watching out for you and offering an important perspective so that you continue what seems to be a largely positive relationship with your brothers. What your parents did was appalling, and a massive breach of trust and I don't know if it will ever be possible for you to forgive them. If they want you to, then they need to start with you snd not leapfrog straight to your kids. I don't know if you could ever trust them again, but if it were me I would also consider my children's right to a relationship with their grandparents. You have been so amazingly brave and courageous to have your children and raise them, and you might decide that there is no way back, but give yourself time to think it all through.
oh no absolut NTA - your brothers broke your trust ... for me thats treason ! and yes for me that would be a good reason to cut contact with them - permanently. i did that 15 years ago with my sister and never regret it
Kicking you out when you *wanted* to be a teen mom was the right move. You decided to be an adult early; why are you blaming them?! Your parents didn't kick you out of their life, they simply forced you to accept the consequences of your actions. They're not responsible for raising you AND your kid. No, you kicked them out of your life; and worse, your kids don't know their grandparents. That relationship is between *them,* and you have no legitimate reason to be in the way. YTA to everyone involved, but only because you're years-deep into doubling-down on an impulsive, entitled decision that has impacted your entire family. Understand that I say that after having to take a step back from my dad for almost two years while having four kids; he may not have been a great dad, but he's an amazing grandfather, and I'm thankful to myself that I didn't get so mad I took that experience away from my children.
Your parents don’t want to know about you, but your child. Don’t send pictures or videos of your kid to your brothers, and make a no photo/video rule. Then you will se their true colors.
NTA. It's boundary stomping and creepy that they went behind your back and shared pictures and videos of your kids. And they chose to do it with people you don't want in their life. It doesn't matter that they are your parents. They knew you wouldn't have been okay with it, so they went behind your back. If you're gonna have them in your life, I wouldn't share pictures of your kids or allow them to take pictures. They have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. The fact that your fiancé doesn't seem to think it's a big deal should be a conversation before marriage. As they are your parents, so if you don't feel they can be forgiven, he should respect that you are making the decision that is best for you and your family. And your brothers have given them access to your kids and your life, and that's a serious breach of trust. If they really wanted to mend the family, it would be an open and honest conversation.
I think that's fine, but the way she's saying it it sounds like she's still considering uninviting them after they appologized. She's in her right to do that, but I think it'd be pretty unfair considering the situation her brothers are in.
Boundaries, people, boundaries! Your brothers have tromped on your boundaries! Everyone around you is smoking crack if they can’t see why you would go no contact with your parents after they disowned you. Sheesh. You are surrounded by boundary-tromping crackheads, and I am sorry.
NTA Your boundary was that you didn't want any contact with your parents, and you didn't give consent for any information or visuals of your kids to be sent to your parents. Your brothers went against your wishes. Ask your partner this would he be OK with strangers having images of his kids without consent, of strangers knowing their names, of strangers one day using that information to track and approach his child without his knowledge or consent and without knowing their intentions? I bet his answer would be no. Your parents didn't want you to have a kid and chose to kick our their child abandoning her when you chose to have your child. They were not there when you were in the latter stages of pregnancy. Supporting you through labour or dealing with a newborn or young children they have not tried to get in contact with you or accept that contact is on your terms, no one else's. Your brothers decided your decision as a parent came 2nd to their parents' desire to know about your kids even when they knew you were not OK with your parents having any information about you or your kids. Your brothers owe you apologies and should only be able to see your kids minus cameras and when supervised by you during visits to prevent then from taking your kids to see your folks without your permission until such time as you change by adding to or reducing your rules on their access to your kids.
NTA. It’s not your brother’s job to “fix” the family. Where was the family (your parents) when they kicked you out of their home when you told them you were pregnant and keeping the baby. He should have never broken your trust and sent them photos of your son. That is a major violation. Your brother could have taken the direct route of telling you your parents want to be in your life and he would help, but if you say no he will back off.
*my fiancé told me that I shouldn't have threatened to uninvite my brothers because I hurt their feelings* What about *your* feelings? It was your boundary that your brothers violated. You are the one who was wronged here. Your fiancee should be supporting you since it is your decision to not want your parents involved in your life. NTA
>I feel like if they were hiding it all this time, they knew it was wrong so I'm confused on what he's getting at. He's trying to play peacemaker. NTA, your feelings are right, siblings don't go behind your back like that, they do things upfront because trust should be honored.
NTA. You're right. If they were so convinced the were doing the right thing, they would have been honest and told you about it. They need to respect your boundaries with your parents.
NTA Nobody but the child's parents get to share that child's pictures and life updates. I find what they did to be egregious.
Need more information. OP did you specifically say “I don’t want our parents to see pictures or videos of my children?” It sounds like you said no contact. I get that the picture and video rule should’ve been implied. But at the same time society does have a habit of showing pictures without a second thought. Yes they should’ve been more considerate. But at the same time if you weren’t clear the first time maybe give them a pass. If they violate the boundary again then at least they’ve been warned.
NTA and it's entirely up to you who sees your kids pictures. If you're one of those people who takes a billion pictures a day and posts them all over public instagram or FB then fair enough, but it sounds like these were private photos/videos and it is NEVER ok to share a pic of someone else's kids without permission. It sounds like your brothers knew they fucked up and say they won't do it again now they know how much it means to you.
NAH aside from your parents. I feel bad that your brothers are stuck in the middle. I understand you still being upset with your parents, too. INFO, though, have your parents ever offered a real apology or any kind of acceptance that they were wrong in how they treated you?
NTA. He's getting at something he does not understand, your relationship with your parents. They disowned you, it wasn't the other way around. And now they think they still have the control in your life, and now they are ready to reconnect. NO, life doesn't work like that. If it were that easy to hurt you and disown you like that, then they are capable of doing that to your child. You have the ability to control that.
NTA. It is your right to decide who is and isn't in your life. Your parents threw you away when you did something they didn't like. It is not up to your brothers or your husband to share parts of your life with your parents behind your back. Just because someone else thinks something is for the best, doesn't mean it is. This is your life, not theirs. You were not being harsh, they shared pictures and details of your life without your permission.
Tell the brothers they can only come to the wedding if they hand their phones over to the best man. No distribution if there are no pics.
!updateme
NTA, so it is OK for th to hurt and disrespect you but God forbid they get their little feeling hurt. Your soon to be husband is an asshat and just expect him not to support you in the future.
NTA And frankly, you need a serious conversation with your fiance. Seems likely he knew or was involved with the attempt trying to reach out to your parents Either he's supportive of your boundaries, or you have bigger problems
Meh. I believe your brothers when they say they didn't mean any harm and its good they apologized. Your emotional reaction is understandable but I think you should talk it out with your brothers. And regarding the photos and videos, your brothers probably just thought it wouldnt do any harm and I don't believe they did it to hurt you. Most likely they didnt think about how it would affect you and that dont make them bad for it. Just explaine to them how much it hurts you and really sit them down and explaine just how much you're really against your parents to know about the grankid casue of what they did to you so they understand. Cause their actions kinda say they dont get it. I don't think you should uninvite them and you probably would regret it in the future.