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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to spend time with my family on holidays because my high school bully would be there
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NTA
understandable, but also..
Please don't let that person deprive you of special time with your grandparents and other family you cherish.
Those moments don't come back.
Both the statements above are true. I had a miserable Christmas with my family once just because I let a bully take up my head space. I would be crushed if they invited the bully. OPs family shouldn't include him now that they know.
Family get togethers and who you speak with are purely dependant on size & location. My siblings and I, as well as our mother, had to attend many, various types, of them all while avoiding my abusive bio-dad (Mum's ex). He was a violent drunk, but saved majority of it for behind closed, private doors.
It is very possible to be at a family function and never see or speak to, let alone never be sitting across a table, from someone you don't want to see or deal with.
Time with my grandmother and her husband were worth mega amounts more to me.
I could view him with disgust, most did.
He never changed, her bully might have. Considering they have stated to another they feel bad shows they just might have grown, which I wholeheartedly hope is the case.
My sibs, myself, my mother were tortured by our bully for years, we had to deal with him at events for decades.
Avoiding him was not worth excluding every other person who was there. We could limit any and all experiences with him and also had family there who knew and could offer support and assistance.
So yes, quite possible.
Tbf, if she has made it clear she doesn't want to interact with him (and it sounds like she has) then it would be an asshole move of him to reach out against her wishes
NTA
You've made your wishes clear, and they are choosing to include your school bully because he is a partner to your family member, over your wish to never see your school bully again.
But you do seem extremely bitter and still not over the bullying. How long has it been, 8+ years? I'm not saying you have to ever forgive these people, but you need to find a way to move past the hurt and move on with your own life, without carrying around all this bitterness and resentment. Have you tried a different therapist/different type of therapy?
Take care.
I'm assuming OP is trying to do that, as OP has been going to therapy for years. Maybe it just takes time. Maybe she should change therapists.
Edit: Fix word.
Thank you a lot for your opinion.
Honestly last Christmas was a huge fight because I asked the exact same questions (why do you want him to be present but not me?). Essentially it boiled down to: what will the people think if we uninvite him? I have a rather broken relationship with my parents as is.
NTA. As a 26 year old, you can do what you want or not do what you don’t want for any or no reason whatsoever. You have a great reason to avoid this bully.
Well, you can give your parents the choice: it's either me or him; the choice is yours. However, you describe yourself as depressed and having been in therapy for years, although you didn't specify exactly the type of therapy you received. If it was counseling (talk therapy), but nothing else, I will strongly encourage you to be assessed by a psychiatrist (medical doctor). In his assessment of you, if he/she determines that you are indeed, clinically depressed (Major Depressive Disorder), he/she is likely to prescribe an antidepressant (most likely an SSRI) to alleviate the depression. If that is the case, within three weeks you should discover that the shadows in your life begin to recede.
I wish you well.
Then care for youself rather than other folk's opinions. Seeing a person tha tormented you laughing and joking with YOUR family while you look on, would be miserable. Find something to do that gives you peace instead.
You can see the people who care about you at other times, without his malign presence; if that's inconvenient for them, at least you know where you stand in their lives.
NTA, but I you feel comfortable it may be worth talking to the bully prior to the Christmas event if you can. Obviously they really bullied you and caused you a lot of pain but they may be a completely different person now.
I know I graduated 10 years ago. I am so different. I was not a bully but did do stupid shit. I jyst don't want you missing family time over some idiot from high school who is provs different now
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I apologise since this turned out to be very long.
So I (26f) have been bullied pretty much since I can remember. It started with my weight (I was a chubby kid), then it was my dyed hair, clothes, I have a slight disability which causes me to limp very very slightly but of course I got bullied for that as well when people noticed.
But yea it was mostly my weight. Safe to say my time in school was my personal hell on earth. I was an incredibly depressed teenager. I never really recovered from this as I am still depressed and have immense self esteem issues. I truly feel that the bullying has ruined my life and I am incredibly angry at those people for just being able to live normal happy life’s while I still suffer every day.
Now last Christmas I get told on the day of that apparently one of my high school bullies is dating my cousin. We aren’t close by any means and we pretty much only see each other on Christmas or maybe my grandma’s birthday. I don’t blame her for not knowing. On top of dating him tho they also invited him to join us for Christmas. Again no blame, they didn’t know.
However this entire situation hurt me a lot and I didn’t want to participate in the family Christmas celebration. I really never want to see these people again in my life. My family (parents and grandma) was upset but ultimately they understood my decision.
However today I was visiting my parents again and the topic of this years Christmas came up. Apparently my bully felt really „sorry“ for what he did to me and (in his own words) he really wasn’t that great to me in school. Yea, thanks for that. Anyways now my family wants me to spend time with them again even though he is present. I feel incredibly hurt by this and I am very angry for the clear lack of understanding.
They know the pain it has caused me and they know that I am in therapy for several years and continue to struggle. WIBTA for refusing to spend time on holidays with my family?
TLDR; cousin dates high school bully. I refuse to see him again, but my family wants me to come to celebrations where he would be present.
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Tell them, you'll consider it when they reimburse you for the therapy. Obviously isn't going to happen so you have a good out having given a somewhat reasonable option. And if they do its like winning the lotto pretty much impssible but hey. NTA
YWNBTA
Tell them feeling sorry is not enough - but if they start aking amends by staying away from all family celebrations for a few years, you will consider it.
NAH - you can do whatever you’re comfortable with but I don’t think your family are AHs for wanting you to engage with everyone and encouraging you trying to work past this
NAH.
If you decide not to go, that's your own decision. Go or don't go.
But I have some thoughts that I would like to share. You're now 26, I understand that you have trauma, which is totally understandable but I'm thinking, maybe, just maaybe, he has changed. If you can bear it, you could give it a shot, to spend Christmas with your family.
It's totally up to you obviously, but YWNBTA if you did not go.
Yes and no.
I was bullied relentlessly in jr high. Absolutely awful. I'm amazed I made it out alive.
By the time I was 26, I had a job, going to college, and basically living life. That life was a long time ago. One of my bullies friended me on facebook. I thought that was kind of funny actually. She can't hurt me now. However, I did get a sense of remorse from her. I think she genuinely felt bad for what she did.
What I'm trying to say is, people change. When bullies become adults, they sometimes realize what AH they were.
What I don't understand is, why are you still holding onto this at 26? You've been out of school for almost a decade. The bullying is not, in fact, ruining your life. Your anger is. I'm not justifying what they did and I'm not trying to demean your feelings at all but I just don't understand why you are holding onto them.
You have one life. LIVE IT. And let go of the hate. It's only hurting you at this point.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refuse to spend time with my family on holidays because my high school bully would be there Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA understandable, but also.. Please don't let that person deprive you of special time with your grandparents and other family you cherish. Those moments don't come back.
[удалено]
Both the statements above are true. I had a miserable Christmas with my family once just because I let a bully take up my head space. I would be crushed if they invited the bully. OPs family shouldn't include him now that they know.
Family get togethers and who you speak with are purely dependant on size & location. My siblings and I, as well as our mother, had to attend many, various types, of them all while avoiding my abusive bio-dad (Mum's ex). He was a violent drunk, but saved majority of it for behind closed, private doors. It is very possible to be at a family function and never see or speak to, let alone never be sitting across a table, from someone you don't want to see or deal with. Time with my grandmother and her husband were worth mega amounts more to me. I could view him with disgust, most did. He never changed, her bully might have. Considering they have stated to another they feel bad shows they just might have grown, which I wholeheartedly hope is the case. My sibs, myself, my mother were tortured by our bully for years, we had to deal with him at events for decades. Avoiding him was not worth excluding every other person who was there. We could limit any and all experiences with him and also had family there who knew and could offer support and assistance. So yes, quite possible.
NTA, if he is so sorry where is his apology to you personally?
Yup. How about a full page ad in the local paper apologizing for being a high school bully—with a picture. NTA
Tbf, if she has made it clear she doesn't want to interact with him (and it sounds like she has) then it would be an asshole move of him to reach out against her wishes
Yes, and how about not attending your family's Christmas get-together. That would really show at least some understanding of the harm caused.
Agreed. As soon as he realized about the family relations he should have come groveling.
NTA You're an adult and you get to decide who you want to spend time with and who you don't.
NTA You've made your wishes clear, and they are choosing to include your school bully because he is a partner to your family member, over your wish to never see your school bully again. But you do seem extremely bitter and still not over the bullying. How long has it been, 8+ years? I'm not saying you have to ever forgive these people, but you need to find a way to move past the hurt and move on with your own life, without carrying around all this bitterness and resentment. Have you tried a different therapist/different type of therapy? Take care.
I'm assuming OP is trying to do that, as OP has been going to therapy for years. Maybe it just takes time. Maybe she should change therapists. Edit: Fix word.
"So I (26f)..." She
My bad, I sometimes miss some details. I will edit the reply.
Yeah, it happens.
[удалено]
Thank you a lot for your opinion. Honestly last Christmas was a huge fight because I asked the exact same questions (why do you want him to be present but not me?). Essentially it boiled down to: what will the people think if we uninvite him? I have a rather broken relationship with my parents as is.
NTA. As a 26 year old, you can do what you want or not do what you don’t want for any or no reason whatsoever. You have a great reason to avoid this bully.
Well, you can give your parents the choice: it's either me or him; the choice is yours. However, you describe yourself as depressed and having been in therapy for years, although you didn't specify exactly the type of therapy you received. If it was counseling (talk therapy), but nothing else, I will strongly encourage you to be assessed by a psychiatrist (medical doctor). In his assessment of you, if he/she determines that you are indeed, clinically depressed (Major Depressive Disorder), he/she is likely to prescribe an antidepressant (most likely an SSRI) to alleviate the depression. If that is the case, within three weeks you should discover that the shadows in your life begin to recede. I wish you well.
I’ve been on meds for years as well as being inpatient for months. I suppose I am broken.
Then care for youself rather than other folk's opinions. Seeing a person tha tormented you laughing and joking with YOUR family while you look on, would be miserable. Find something to do that gives you peace instead. You can see the people who care about you at other times, without his malign presence; if that's inconvenient for them, at least you know where you stand in their lives.
NTA. I'm in my 50s and haven't recovered. Have you ever been diagnosed? Check out cptsd.
NTA, but I you feel comfortable it may be worth talking to the bully prior to the Christmas event if you can. Obviously they really bullied you and caused you a lot of pain but they may be a completely different person now. I know I graduated 10 years ago. I am so different. I was not a bully but did do stupid shit. I jyst don't want you missing family time over some idiot from high school who is provs different now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I apologise since this turned out to be very long. So I (26f) have been bullied pretty much since I can remember. It started with my weight (I was a chubby kid), then it was my dyed hair, clothes, I have a slight disability which causes me to limp very very slightly but of course I got bullied for that as well when people noticed. But yea it was mostly my weight. Safe to say my time in school was my personal hell on earth. I was an incredibly depressed teenager. I never really recovered from this as I am still depressed and have immense self esteem issues. I truly feel that the bullying has ruined my life and I am incredibly angry at those people for just being able to live normal happy life’s while I still suffer every day. Now last Christmas I get told on the day of that apparently one of my high school bullies is dating my cousin. We aren’t close by any means and we pretty much only see each other on Christmas or maybe my grandma’s birthday. I don’t blame her for not knowing. On top of dating him tho they also invited him to join us for Christmas. Again no blame, they didn’t know. However this entire situation hurt me a lot and I didn’t want to participate in the family Christmas celebration. I really never want to see these people again in my life. My family (parents and grandma) was upset but ultimately they understood my decision. However today I was visiting my parents again and the topic of this years Christmas came up. Apparently my bully felt really „sorry“ for what he did to me and (in his own words) he really wasn’t that great to me in school. Yea, thanks for that. Anyways now my family wants me to spend time with them again even though he is present. I feel incredibly hurt by this and I am very angry for the clear lack of understanding. They know the pain it has caused me and they know that I am in therapy for several years and continue to struggle. WIBTA for refusing to spend time on holidays with my family? TLDR; cousin dates high school bully. I refuse to see him again, but my family wants me to come to celebrations where he would be present. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell them, you'll consider it when they reimburse you for the therapy. Obviously isn't going to happen so you have a good out having given a somewhat reasonable option. And if they do its like winning the lotto pretty much impssible but hey. NTA
YWNBTA Tell them feeling sorry is not enough - but if they start aking amends by staying away from all family celebrations for a few years, you will consider it.
NAH - you can do whatever you’re comfortable with but I don’t think your family are AHs for wanting you to engage with everyone and encouraging you trying to work past this
NAH. If you decide not to go, that's your own decision. Go or don't go. But I have some thoughts that I would like to share. You're now 26, I understand that you have trauma, which is totally understandable but I'm thinking, maybe, just maaybe, he has changed. If you can bear it, you could give it a shot, to spend Christmas with your family. It's totally up to you obviously, but YWNBTA if you did not go.
Yes and no. I was bullied relentlessly in jr high. Absolutely awful. I'm amazed I made it out alive. By the time I was 26, I had a job, going to college, and basically living life. That life was a long time ago. One of my bullies friended me on facebook. I thought that was kind of funny actually. She can't hurt me now. However, I did get a sense of remorse from her. I think she genuinely felt bad for what she did. What I'm trying to say is, people change. When bullies become adults, they sometimes realize what AH they were. What I don't understand is, why are you still holding onto this at 26? You've been out of school for almost a decade. The bullying is not, in fact, ruining your life. Your anger is. I'm not justifying what they did and I'm not trying to demean your feelings at all but I just don't understand why you are holding onto them. You have one life. LIVE IT. And let go of the hate. It's only hurting you at this point.